#you twist yourself in all kind of positions to fuck one thing you wont look like is gracefully posed

[samipekoe]

this is probably a common question but roughly what is your approach to anatomy? i’m into biology in itself so that + nude figure studies have been so so helpful but your lines are so effortless and confident and stylized while still carrying so much raw human weight. that is especially why i love your 18+ stuff because it feels tasteful and real and not just gooner slop 😭. you have a very very good understanding of how fat and muscle sit on the body and i’m impressed thoroughly

😢 thank you so much! my go-to for learning anatomy was live drawing! not classes though but just watching people in motion and drawing like that. I still have a habit of staring so much at people when I'm outside mostly bc im thinking about drawing the shapes I'm seeing that I have to catch myself to not weird someone out LOL

after having a good enough grasp on anatomy then it was learning what to exaggerate and how I wanted to do it! many of my favorite artists who I dutifully copied as I learned how to draw are all animators so I picked up a lot of quirks from that despite not animating myself lol bowed legs and such

and LOL I'm grateful I'm above goon sloop..I think its impossible to come away from live drawing without appreciation for all kinds of bodies! and all the less flattering angles of them. I think its what adds a lot of charm and warmth to erotic scenes :-)

[bokugaos]

anon: ive been thinkin about being with bokuto around the team, hes a little sleepy so he lays his head in your lap and before you know it hes trying to lick your cunt through your jeans, your trying to pry his head off of you but he wont give, so embarrassing 😖

other mans: suck your titties. bokuto: straight up goes to lick your cunt ♡

length: 650w

tags — nsfw, clothed, semi-public, exhibitionism, orally-fixated bokuto

the thing is, you can always get him in the mood without even trying. it's not particularly hard, given bokuto’s insatiable libido, but he’s also got this other thing, other than his body or his sheer stamina, he's got this thing that he always has to appease... with his mouth.

and, now, as he lays on the floor, head in your lap, the television loudly playing an episode of a show—one that they have all collectively agreed to watch, something not that hard to achieve, surprisingly to you—you get the sense that he’s not actually invested in watching at the moment. 

his fingers are idly playing with the hem of your shirt, it’s something about the lax of his eyebrows, the half-hooded eyelids, the soft part of his lips, the way he kind of tries to stifle his yawn so as to not draw your attention from the screen, and you already know he's sleepy, so you avert your gaze back to the show because bokuto will fall asleep soon, especially when his head is nicely pillowed on your thighs like this.

he seems oblivious. he's not oblivious. he's been having his thoughts on a particular thing for a while now, and if you really look at him, he’s less than subtle, and he's been messing with you to see how long it takes for you to give you some attention.

is that childish? possibly, but he’s been eyeing up your thighs—or rather, between it—more than usual, at least. he wants to bury his face in between your thighs and just eat you out, for fuck's sakes.

bokuto shifts a little to position his head snugly, his face facing your core. you look down anyway in an attempt at a casual response. his lips twist into a lazy grin and, oh fuck, you’re practically tingling when he makes the first move to leave kisses towards your inner thighs, and your reaction is really embarrassingly fast.

"what are you doing?" you hiss, as low and soft as you can, and bokuto shakes his head, distracted by his current mission of trailing his mouth to your core, and you just sit there trying to look as if your boyfriend is simply not trying to start something in front of his friends.

he ignores you, instead moving his hands to skate up and down your thighs, the heat from his hand practically burning through the fabric. "stop!" you whisper, just to keep yourself sane, and one of your hand shoots out to halt him in place before he can get any closer. “not here!”

he disregards your protest again and chooses not to listen anyway, because he'd much rather smash his face as close to your cunny as is possible.

he hopes you know just how much he wants to give you kisses and licks right there, an action that simply puts his mind at bliss and ease. the way he's salivating at the sight of your clothed cunt; it’s as if he could see through your pants and he wants to suckle you obscenely through the fabric itself, leave your crotch damp and warm.

he doesn't even seem to mind the rough texture as he mouths you, feeling the wetness and the warmth growing wider.

you try to push him away with minimal movement, but just how subtle can you even be, when bokuto’s face is practically up against your cunt, his tongue darting out to lap against the fabric of your pants?

"get a room!" atsumu yells, his tone amused, just on the side of teasing.

the exclamation renders you speechless, not due to the fact that bokuto’s teammates know exactly what he’s doing, but largely because the man himself doesn’t stop his ministrations and has the fucking guts to openly go for it now, his efforts this time less hidden.

sleepy or not, bokuto is enthusiastic as fuck.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

I Didn't Know This Was A Date

You end up on a date unknowingly.

Masterlist

Warnings:Adult situations +18 ,Smut ,Masturbation ,Swearing

A/n: So I'm basing Clark's confidence issues on my own, I'm either overconfident and cocky or have absolutely none whatsoever and can got from one to the other in seconds. I have nothing against Lois as a character but I do think she is spoiled and a little selfish I don't want to make her mean and turn her into the typical rival, but at the same time I could see her getting a little too wrapped up in the whole hero thing and I am 99.9% sure that if they broke up she would find it hard accepting him moving on.

Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters​

I Didn't Know This Was A Date

You quickly cut across the field to your little blue farm house, heart racing as you replayed his words over and over. Squealing girlishly. Wow he was hot, soo hot and sweet he seemed shy but he definitely knew he was attractive. Shit this was so crazy but you trusted him. Martha had told you lots about her Clark, that he was shy and been raised a true gentleman, he was kind and it sometimes caused him problems smart, gentle and loving a true catch by the sound of it.

He had seemed all these things and more, you scaled the steps to your house running straight to the master bedroom pulling out a pink medium sized suitcase before gathering clothes you'd need, then your essentials pajamas underwear, make up bag and a hair kit. Finally you came to the dress you would wear on the night you smiled you would look stunning if you did say so yourself. After deliberating packing then repacking you looked up at the clock nine pm sighing you decided it was time for a shower then bed. Making your way to the bath room you were flooded with thoughts anticipating what was to come.

You debated on weather to epilate, honestly you couldn't be bothered but decided it would be best to just in case anything did happen between you a the blue eyed hottie. You quickly washed your hair epilating your legs then shaved tidying up the apex of your thighs a little not that it needed much doing to it, it was your legs you never bothered with. You couldn't help but moan as you used the shower head to rinse yourself,rocking forward as the spray hit your sensitive clit biting your lip as you imagined him there with you, a burning hand pushing you back against the cool tiles pinning you with one hand on your ribs fingers splayed almost covering your whole rib cage, you size kink was well and truly activated by the hulk of a man you hummed imagining how he would use his size and strength to hold you still ,use it to man handle you, manipulate you into any position, to fuck you anyway he saw fit weather you liked it or not.

You thought about how he navigate the shower head between your open legs forcing the spray on your heated core, angling it to graze you swollen clit. FUCK. You grunted head falling back to the wall widening your feet letting the warm water hit your bundle of nerves mouth open panting as you lost yourself in the fantasy, he'd tease you moving the water in small circles the back and forth letting it caress you from your ass all the way up to your tender clit leaning over you, crowding you with his huge form.

You shivered you wouldn't be able to escape, not even if you wanted to, his piercing blue eyes would be all you saw as you managed to open your eyes mewling softly , he'd have to audacity to still look a little shy as he toyed with you. Finally he'd let his hand slip down your body dragging the pads of his heated fingers in slow patterns, your hand followed as you held your eyes close imagining he was there instead, he would ghost them along your seam slow, prying your lips apart, but once he opened you up he wouldn't waste time spearing you with one then two digits stretching you, tormenting your walls as his thick fingers easing their way inside you crooking them forward scissoring them trying to prepare you for his cock, he would move slow at first then fast forcing you into a sudden climax.

"AH OH FUCK YES C-Clark shit hah!~" you cried out his name as you came across your own hand bucking and twisting as you held the water firm on your erect clit the whole time panting hard as you came down finally pulling the water away for a few moments the cursing as you returned it to wash away your mess that still clung to you.

Clark laid in bed his jaw clenched growling trying to keep quiet not wanting to disturb his mom, erect cock in hand furiously pumping it, he'd been at this now for nearly half an hour, the same as you. In this moment he didn't know if his super hearing was a gift or curse. He could hear you, crying out for him as you fucked yourself in your bed across the field, he could even hear the fucking vibrator be turned up a notch as you cried out high and desperately for him once again panting and groaning.

Fuck that was good but something tells you that once you get to bed you’d be forcing another few climax's out of yourself over him tonight.

He grunted as he closed his eyes concentrating on the soft whimpers he had half a mind to go over there and fuck you properly, pin you down and force feed you his cock....not that there would be any forcing from the sounds of it you'd be happy to oblige. That toy wouldn't compare to anything he could Would do to you, fuck you'd be so tight for him, even with how wet you'd be he'd have to be careful not to hurt you, that's not to say he would be gentle. No. He would be delicate enough not to break bones or tear you but that was about it.

He grunted tightening his fist until, it was slightly painful, just the way he liked it. He always put his pain kink down to the fact he couldn't ever really get hurt, he was indestructible, the man of steel, but when he first discovered this as a teen he thought he was weird for enjoying it so much, strange that he would get off faster if his sensitive erect cock was pinched and pulled at or squeezed painfully tight.

It then developed into a size kink, wanting to find the smallest woman he could that would give him that delicious pain and pleasure mix that he craved. He grunted biting his other hand as he panted harshly hearing you begin to come undone again moaning out for him, thinking about him.

He groaned throwing his head back hearing you finally come down from your high panting laughing a little hoarse from your screams, you'd be more than hoarse when he finally finished with you, you'd loose your voice completely after he hung your face off the side of the bed and plowed your throat he gave one final harsh pinch with the side of his thumb and pointer finger imagining breaching your cervix and came the hardest he thinks he ever has jerking his hips seeing stars for a second, he was so lost in his orgasm he thought he was going to fall out of bed.

He wondered what you was imagining, if it was the same as him, he could see it now him standing up right with you folded in half before him, hooking your bent leg over his arms as he pulled them up to your sides knees nearly at your armpits as he pulled them back, facing away from him as his hands threaded together cupping behind your neck holding your entire weight on his forearm as he pulled and pushed Into you pounding away

You'd cry and moan for him, begging him to slow down as it was to much, he wouldn't tho he'd just tell you to enjoy the ride and fuck you until you felt him for days, stuffing your tight little cunt full until you'd struggle trying to get away from him, it'd be impossible tho, you wont get away until he decided to let you which was unlikely, not until he floods your tiny pussy, even then he knew it wont be just the once, no it normally took four or five rounds to empty his balls and you'd be getting the full dose each time, weather it was down your throat, in your cunt or across your tits if he played his cards right he hoped he could spend himself in that prefect peach of an ass either way you was getting all of it.

"Oh-fuck yes yes fuck baby so tiny and tight for me fuckfuck fuck that's it ugh!"He came in thick powerful ropes, thankfully he had angled himself up towards his chest when he finished not getting any on the sheets cumming across his stomach and chest instead, he was a little shocked as a few drops had made it to his collar bone.

He was frustrated and hurt when he came here today, wanting his moms advice on how to get over Lois and now he was happy and for the first time in a long time hopeful, he could definitely see himself with you but didn't want to rush, he was finding peace with the fact that he had been falling out of love with Lois for a long time, all she seemed to go on about now was the next article she could write about Superman even going so far as to 'accidentally' fall out of a moving car into oncoming speeding traffic so she could,write about how she was saved. That particular one had made him very angry.

He panted resting an arm across his closed eyes catching his breath as his cock finally seemed sated for now, he listened he could hear the relaxed heartbeat of his mother he hadn't woke her which was good, he was embarrassed being caught as a teen and he would hate it even more now. He turned his head a little listening out for you he was greeted with you moaning drowsily about drenched sheets then a few moments later light snores you was out like a light.

He chuckled you'd fucked yourself into a coma just for him. He smiled moving his arm from his eyes a relief flowed through him. His mom was right you did like him, he might just be good enough for you after all, he was going to try and win your heart over the next week, determined to make Saturdays party you first time together he exhaled content tucking himself back into his boxers then made for the bathroom to clean himself up flushing the toilet roll away when he finished making his way back to bed hands behind his head.

Bottom line she wanted him to be superman day and night,she even started calling him Kal when not in the office. Then there was the sex now he wasn't against role play in the bedroom, quite the opposite but it would be nice to hear his name every once in a while, his human name the one he has grown up with and as for using his powers he didn't mind occasionally but they aren't toys or party tricks, it got exhausting, he sees being superman as a job in itself, but it was a job Lois never gave him time off of, he drew the line when he found it hard to relax and just be himself that was when he new he had to call it off.

He nearly lost who he was to a symbol of hope, he knew if that happened he would have grown to hate superman and everything it stood for which could only end in disaster. The whole situation had been weighing him down for the best part of a year as he tried to deny it, putting the break up off willing her to change and when she didn't he finally called it quits and has felt guilty ever since, until today that is.

After meeting you today and getting them nervous flutters in his stomach again he felt nothing but relief over it, he knew it was the right thing to do, this is what it should feel like, light and happy, care free and warm. For the first time in what felt like years he fell asleep with a smile across his face.

All day there had been casually flirting on both parts which gave him hope that you was interested in more then just a quick fuck still tho it was torture watching other men giving you looks and not being able to do anything ,you laughed a little nervous as he leaned in over the table as you waited for your food.

The next evening you found yourself in a quaint little diner near Clark’s apartment for dinner after spending the day exploring the city. Clark couldn't take his eyes off you, you were stunning dressed in a floral print button up shirt that you had tied in the front showing a small patch of skin of your tummy and high waist light blue jeans showing off your curves , he groaned inwardly the jeans were like a second skin cupping your ass perfectly your hair was down and you had spent most of the day tucking it behind your ears, a nervous habit he assumed.

"So Ma said you moved here four months ago bit of a jump what ,made you decide to come all this way?"

"Well my parents were separated , my mum was well-to put it bluntly she was like Lois, she wanted my dad to be something he's not and she destroyed him constantly chasing her version of perfection without any care to how unhappy she was making him in the end it drove him into a deep depression. One day he had a wake up call and threw her out he tried divorcing her but she wouldn't sigh the papers she kept trying to make his life worse didn't want him to move on she used me as an excuse to keep hanging around...Dad was well off I think that's the reason she wouldn't leave. When he passed away mum was left hardly anything even our housekeeper got more then she did, he really fucked her over for the hell she put him through. After the will was settled she kept harassing me for money and the house each week another sob story and another amount. One time I felt sorry for her and let her in she got me drunk and tried to make me give her the deeds for safe keeping that was the last straw after that I started searching online and after about a week I found the farm house It needed a lot of work doing to it but I liked that... I fell in love with it and put in an offer straight away. Three weeks later I was on the plane" he blinked it was a little sad you ran to the other side of the globe to avoid your mother.

"Wow did you ever tell her?" You shook your head

"No she came over when the the day before I left I let her in and she lost her shit screaming about where all the stuff was and I told her it had been packed she asked why and I told her that I was moving  she thought i was just moving across the county she flipped when i told her I was coming to America and never coming back, she asked where but I wouldn't tell her it ended in an argument she called me a thief and said some shit then left she was just angry that I like my dad had figured her out." He looked shocked how could a mother do such a thing, but then again money is the root of most evil.

"That must have been hard"

"No not really she hadn't been in my life since I was seven when my dad threw her out and I knew what she had done to him fuck I was the one who found him when he tried-I mean it wasn't a big loss" he picked up on the correction but decided not to push it.

"So you came over here to get away?"  You nodded sipping your pepsi

"Yeah in a way I should thank her its the best thing I've ever done, its strange and I still get a little confused at times as you saw with the whole,chip incident earlier but I  really like it over here, smallville is wonderful and much more laid back" he smiled biting his lip as your face lit up.

"Well I for one am glad you made the move" he winked at you you giggle blushing. Busying yourself fiddling with the straw in your drink.

"So my mom? When did you meet her?" You looked up quickly.

"Oh she came over the day I moved in, I was lucky she did i was freaking out it had just sunk in that I was over here completely on my own and didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do, I had nothing to eat the trucks were held up and I couldn't figure out how to turn on the electricity I just sort of sat on the porch with my carry on luggage and broke down she came over with a peach crumble and a bottle of wine and we spent the morning on the porch eating it from the tray and she showed me the fuse box in the basement which I didn't even know the house had to turn on the electricity then went back home coming over with more wine my stuff showed up at lunch time by that time we were both a little tipsy and we have been friends ever since, she helped me sell the fields on the property to the local farmers in return I gave her the small paddock on your side of the road that came with the house. Every time I get confused, need help or if I'm bored I'll pop over to bug her" he laughed not exactly sure what to expect but honestly he didn't know what he was expecting but you getting drunk and eating crumble together wasn't a scenario he could ever have imagined.

"Yes just nice to see a girl with a healthy appetite ,don't get that much around here" you giggled a little

You were interrupted when your food arrived. He watched as you closed your eyes moaning a little at your fully loaded burger grunting at the sound a little, fuck did you have to make them noises he though as he twitched a little, you stopped looking at him staring at you

"What? Is everything okay?" He snapped out of it

"Well I've never heard him referred to like that before!"

"Yes well the bigger I get the bigger the boobs" he blushed unconsciously glance at your chest you snickered catching him as he started to eat, he enjoyed your company as you spent the time flirting and getting to know each other, you were easy to talk to and laid back, full of funny stories about your home and the differences you'd noticed being here.

He was enamored with you the whole time. He told you about his work and the different articles he had written then just out of curiosity he brought up the topic of Superman wanting to hear your views

"Superman? He's the flying one the lycra and bed sheet right?" He bellowed a laugh slapping his thigh a little.

"I'm not wrong tho am I? I suppose I think he's cool  I think people should cut him some slack I mean he is doing more for others than most, leave the man alone you know?" He smiled nodding he found it refreshing to hear something other then the same old 'he should reveal himself' or the negative 'he's an alien and should go home'

"Yeah I agree, so you wouldn't want to know who he was? Or for him to reveal himself?" You leaned back in your seat then shook your head

"No honestly I'm not that interested, he saves people and that should be enough, he don't have to but he is and that shows that he is a better person then me but then again I’m lazy, as for revealing himself I think we owe it to him to let him have a bit of normality, I mean he was here his whole life, living just like one of us then suddenly one day he had to step up and kick the shit out of that other fuck nut. I feel a little sorry for him" you sighed he frowned that he hadn't heard before

"Sorry for him?" You nodded offering him some of your chips that he had been eyeing up.

"Yeah he was never really given a choice was he? One day he was normal like you and me living his life the next being called out by the freaky one with the buzz cut and lisp" he leaned forward stealing more chips fries off your plate.

"Well he did have a choice he could have stayed hidden" you scoffed

"With them holding the world as hostage, he had to think of his loved ones he must have a family and friends you can't live your whole life without having people you want to protect" he smiled wide his eyes soft, you were the complete opposite to Lois she felt like he should tell everyone who he was believing that if he proved he was one of you people would accept him more, not that most didn't but a few still held him responsible for what happened.

"So you wouldn't mind if he swooped down and took off with you?" You laughed

"To our first date?" you blushed at him not realizing he had classed this as a date but was ecstatic trying not you squeal in excitement.

"Depends, if I'm falling to my death I'd appreciate a lift, but if he did it for shits and giggles.... well there'd be more shitting then giggling I tell you that much I'm not one for heights" he roared up unable to stop the bellowing laughs from escaping

"You think I'm joking I threw up once because I wore heels.....okay I was a little drunk and the stairs were glass but that's not the point I am just uncomfortable with heights I don't even wear high heels anymore kitten heels only" he smiled shaking his head

"Gotcha no heights" he said stealing more fries off your plate making you roll your eyes.

Once you'd finished your food he lifted his glass to you, you followed suit raising your glass.

"Date? I didn't know this was a date Mr Kent?" He smiled sheepishly then cleared his throat nervously his voice wavered a bit.

"Well that's only if you want it to be?" You stared at him making him squirm a little then smiled nodding

"Yes I would like that But for the record if you'd asked me I wouldn't have turned you down" then tapped your glass with his

"R-really you would have said yes?" You smiled at his flustered expression it was strange how one moment he was confident then the next a sweet shy teddy bear, you knew it must be something to do with his ex but you was patient enough to wait it out, he has had his confidence knocked and you were determined to build it back up.

"Clark would you like to go out to dinner again tomorrow? Make it our second date" He stuttered flushing as you held on to his hand across the table then nodded smiling.

"Yes I-I'd love that" you smiled at that.

"About what?"

"So what do you think? Seriously?" He asked walking down the road as you left the diner you tilted your head a little staring up at him he squeezed your hand.

"Well we only met yesterday and you only came here to help me with my ex ,I just wanted to know what you really think about all this? About me?" He tried to keep his nerves at bay as he asked you, he wanted to know straight away what your thoughts were, as soon as the question left his mouth he wanted to take it back dreading your answer.

You felt a little sorry for him, what ever his ex had done had really knocked him, you hummed lightly, wanting to pick your words carefully, you had to get across that you really did like him and wanted to pursue him and not just for his looks either.

"Really? You really want to try? And not just be friends?" He said in slight disbelief you nodded

"Fine enough dicking about I like you, really like you, I'm really attracted to you Clark, not just your looks, your sweet, kind and I've had a brilliant time today laughing more than I think I ever have on a first date, it true we have just met but I'm not someone to waste time or beat around the bush, I like you a lot if I thought nothing would come of this I wouldn't be here...I know that you've been hurt but I-I do feel there's something between us, something has just sort of clicked and would like to explore it if you would like to." His heart soared at your words and his shoulders relaxed letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Like I said I felt something  and I definitely want to carry on and see where this takes us." He grinned wide tucking you into his side

"Good I was so afraid you didn't feel the same!" Silence fell over you, you could feel there he was thinking to hard, he took a deep breath and turned to you smiling then leant down ever so slowly,tentative and nervous giving you every opportunity to back away but you didn't leaning in closer to him wanting him to make the decision,  he made a slow decent licking his lip lightly,you braced yourself your breathing hitched as he descended towards you shifting a little, you cautiously rose to meet him but he hovered lips just above yours breath fanning across your lips unsure he was thinking to much you could see it you made the decision for him standing on your tip toes pressing your lips to his in a sweet kiss, moving in sync he melted into the kiss before opening his mouth wrapping his arms around you pulling you flush against him groaning as he grabbed your ass in his huge warm hands tugging you towards him leaning down so you could plant you heels back on to the floor.

You mewled winding your arms around his neck locking your fingers together playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He licked at your lips coaxing them open once you did you whined as his tongue wrapped around yours twisting and licking dominating your mouth then he slowed his movements relishing in the kiss holding you tighter to him afraid you'd leave, you grunted softly then pulled back for air before gasping then dragging him back this time more desperate you dove straight in running your tongue across the inside of his mouth moaning fucking his mouth with your tongue trying to taste him as much as you could grinding against Him slowly making him shiver before biting at his bottom lip sucking it harshly. Then pulled away panting. His face glowed a bright red no doubt your did to, you stood by his side and he pulled you in under his arm squeezing your bicep reassuringly.

"So we are dating now then?" He asked still trying to calm his heart beat, yours was racing to which didn't help.

"I would say so yes." He smiled down at you resting his face on your Head kissing it every now and then unable to stop now.

"Good, I couldn't stand everyone looking at you today unable to do anything about it" you faltered as he growled the words out. You flushed, the possessiveness in his voice was enough to make a girl swoon.UGH.Panty dropping you all but melted at his words clenching.

"This" it was the only warning you got before you squealed he lifted you up wrapping your legs around his waist pinning you to the nearest wall grinding slow against you making you moan into him, your clit erect almost instantly as he rocked across it threw your jeans, the cotton of your panties becoming a damp.

"Oh really and what are you gonna do about it then?" You asked a cheeky grin he raised an eyebrow

He laughed a little as you wriggled against him trying to get away not wanting to seep threw onto your pale jeans his hands merely held you firm as his cock throbbed against you, you could feel it hot and twitching he rubbed harder moaning into your mouth as he took your breath away, kissing you deeper than before, almost trying to devour you as he licked into your open mouth then coiled his tongue around yours caressing it with a thrusting motions making you groan lightly.

He began sucking yours into his mouth pulling away he trailed a few light kisses down your neck then licked at your neck just below your ear nipping it before opening his mouth wide biting down and sucking heavily, you cried out arching into him pressing your core firmly onto his very eager cock making him hiss and pull away he grunted keeping your rocking hips still looking at his work a dark bruise forming on your neck high enough that it wont be getting covered any time soon he puffed out his chest a sense of pride then leaned forward kissing it softly making you sigh then ran his nose across it before speaking lowly into your ear.

"Oh my god Clark I'm so sorry! that is so embarrassing!" You panicked and felt like you could cry covering your crotch and ass looking around for something to hide it with he smirked a little he couldn't help being smug, that was just a little taster and you’d soaked yourself through.

"There we go now everyone will see that your all mine" you whimpered as your pussy shuddered he hissed feeling it. Then set you back down chuckling lightly as he spotted the wet patch on your jeans you followed his gaze and gasped mortified

"Nothing to be sorry for its very flattering! But here use this" shrugging off his jacket you accepted it gladly pulling it over your arms and holding the neck breathing in his scent, he groaned in his chest. It drowned you, the hem falling to your knees ,You looked perfect. He will definitely be putting you in his clothes more often, he cleared his throat tugging on his jeans rearranging himself then took hold of your hand walking towards his apartment. Yes today had been good but something tells him this week would only get better and better.

[touchmycoat]

If you're still taking prompts from the smut list: 5, 7, 12 or 22 for He Xuan / LQG. Sexual or not, considering the leverage!au, those quotes could be job related.@.@

((Smut dialogue prompts))

5. “Take your clothes off. Right now.” 7. “Hands behind your back.” 12. “I’m going to fucking ruin you.” 22. “Look how good you take it.”

Word Count: 3267 Leverage!AU

(i)

"Take your clothes off. Right now."

Liu Qingge was halfway out of his shirt before he really registered the order, and then He Xuan was next to him yanking the shirt off the rest of the way before Liu Qingge could pull it back down.

"Pants."

"Back off," Liu Qingge tried to snap, but was quickly losing ground as He Xuan backed him up among the racks of clothes and stage design props. And when he smacked He Xuan's hands away from his belt, He Xuan smacked his hand right back with his own belt buckle.

"You heard her," He Xuan said, low and dangerous in something that sounded a lot like the fuck around and find out voice he reserved for marks. "Models and designers only."

"So you be the model."

He Xuan tugged Liu Qingge's belt off with a neat yank. Then he took a step back and folded his arms.

"Fine. Then talk fashion."

Liu Qingge had to resist the urge to fold his arms in mirror, because in his current state, it would look just a little too much like he was covering himself up out of shyness.

"Shen Qingqiu?" he snapped into his earpiece.

"Sorry," Shen Qingqiu coughed. "All I know are brand names."

"Come on, Liu Qingge," Luo Binghe chimed in, all schadenfreude, "you were hired for your body."

"And not to rush but Lan Xichen is being held hostage..."

"Fine." Glaring vicious murder, Liu Qingge thrust out a hand at He Xuan. "What do I wear?"

With a smug not-smile, He Xuan turned on his heel and tossed the long end of Liu Qingge's belt over his shoulder. When the leather smacked against his back, Liu Qingge's gaze flickered.

"You're not wearing anything," He Xuan snorted. "Just shut up, follow me, and flex."

(ii)

"State police! Nobody move!"

He Xuan, slipping his fake detective badge away, of course made for Liu Qingge first, who stood in the middle of a pile of broken noses and unconscious bodies, as was his wont. A frenetic, giddy smile split the mark's bloody mouth (which had already been split once by Liu Qingge, before the private security forces moved in) as four policemen stepped into the room.

He Xuan grabbed Liu Qingge by the back of the neck like an errant puppy and shoved him face-first against the wall.

"Hands behind your back."

Behind him, the mark was babbling some thank god, where have you been bullshit, but He Xuan was too busy not-smirking at Liu Qingge's hissed curses when the cuffs went on too tight. Then there was a hand on his elbow. For the sake of the con, He Xuan didn't tear the man's arm off.

(Didn't unleash Liu Qingge on him; what the mark got a taste of before was really just a friendly nip.)

"Cheng Luan, was it?" He Xuan growled into Liu Qingge's ear. "I've been looking forward to this moment for a long time."

"Hey, excuse me—"

Then he was hauling Liu Qingge around to bury a fist in Liu Qingge's gut. It was real—it had to be at this proximity—but He Xuan had already given Liu Qingge's stomach a little tap to signal where he was going to hit. His knuckles found flexed muscles, but Liu Qingge doubled over anyways.

"Whoa, whoa hey—"

With a palm over Liu Qingge's jaw, He Xuan pulled him up and squeezed. Liu Qingge's pupils were completely blown when he glared at He Xuan.

"Wait just a moment, look, are you, are you one of them?"

He Xuan gave Liu Qingge's face another little shake, and Liu Qingge actually growled. Adorable.

"I'm talking to you!"

"What?" He Xuan finally snapped back, tossing a look of annoyance down at the CEO-of-the-week beside him.

"I'm asking," the mark said, throwing his hands up in exasperation, "if you're one of the dirty cops I pay off! Holy Christ, you really are all just a bunch of meatheads, huh? Don't know anything but violence, but it's fine, you're doing me a favor here. Make sure he goes away for good for me, alright? Whatever you did to that last Chen guy, I want you to double for him. I'll pay you double too, just make sure he really, really suffers."

Rabid blood-thirst slipping away in an instant, He Xuan moved his grip down into Liu Qingge's shirt collar and pulled Liu Qingge up straight. There was a loud plastic snap, as Liu Qingge broke the fake link in the cuff behind his torso.

"Hear that? He wants you to really suffer," He Xuan said as he plucked the detective badge out of his pocket and tossed it across the room. As they walked past the dumbstruck mark, Liu Qingge got right up into his face.

"He's lucky I didn't break his jaw."

"I don't—You're not real cops?!"

He Xuan didn't know how the mark hadn't pieced it together yet—he'd already answered that question with the detective's badge. One of the four men who'd entered with him—real police officers—had caught it, and pocketed it with the solemnity that spoke volumes about whom that badge belonged to. A fallen cop, perhaps, one set up and ambushed by his own, who were in turn on the payroll of a local arms-dealing CEO.

"You actually punched me," Liu Qingge complained on their way out. He Xuan eyed the halved handcuffs still hanging from his wrists, and the skin rubbed red beneath the teeth.

"You're the one who told me I wasn't putting my hip into it."

(iii)

The cuffs this time were real. At Xie Lian's light-voiced, inflection-less call, He Xuan hauled Liu Qingge out into the swimming pool.

"Is this the man who's been giving you trouble?"

The trafficker smiled, toothy and depraved, as he drank in the sight of Liu Qingge's bare feet and torn clothing. Liu Qingge jerked forward in He Xuan's grip and spat at his feet.

"Sang Jingxing, I'm going to fucking ruin you!" he promised.

"Master Fangxin," Sang Jingxing applauded, "you truly exceed your reputation. This man's managed to avoid me for days."

Weeks, actually, but He Xuan didn't bother calling him out on it. He let Xie Lian's mild little smile take care of that.

"You've proven your skills..." Sang Jingxing continued, glossing over the look. "Alright, you've got a deal."

Xie Lian touched Sang Jingxing's outstretched hand with the very tip of two fingers in lieu of a handshake. His hands were even gloved.

"Thank you for your time, Master Sang. We'll be on our way now."

"Ah, just a moment." Of them three, only Liu Qingge's feet slipped on the tiles, and that was because they were meant to, with He Xuan hoisting him half-up in the air like this. "Master Fangxin, if you'd be so kind—I like to do all my inquiries and reconnaissance in-house."

Meaning, he wanted to keep Liu Qingge. With any other underground criminal boss, the threat would be torture by electricity, blunt force trauma, and dismemberment. Sang Jingxing had all of the above plus one favored trick up his sleeve—one that made the slip of Xie Lian's eyes over to him go icy cold.

"Ah yes," Xie Lian said, smiling just barely, "I've heard of Master Sang's proclivities. Several stories involve this precise setting, I believe—a VIP hotel swimming pool. With as many men."

Sang Jingxing chuckled, and so did the eight bodyguards poised around his surroundings.

"Drains and plenty of water, you understand," Sang Jingxing leered. "Gentlemen like yourself always frown upon a touch of more libidinous fun. Such a shame, for a figure like yourself."

"I'm going to tear out his eyeballs," Hua Cheng said calmly through the comms, and He Xuan thought he saw a touch of genuine humor light the corner of Xie Lian's mouth.

"It's true I don't personally participate in such methods, but you've got the wrong idea," Xie Lian spoke, shrugging. He waved a hand in gesture to He Xuan. "It's simply that I've already promised my trusty lieutenant here the same reward."

"No, you're certain? Then he simply must demonstrate." Simpering, Sang Jingxing clapped once and loudly, the sharp sound echoing through the tiled room. Liu Qingge was stiffening in He Xuan's hold. "Such a fine specimen—I actually said to my men how lucky we were that a man like that was coming after me. Surely you won't deny me a taste?"

Xie Lian had really perfected the look of heedless nobility, completely ignorant to the suffering of people beneath his station.

"If Ming Yi doesn't mind, I certainly don't."

He Xuan was instantly in motion, marching Liu Qingge forward and slamming him over the nearest table. He had to swipe aside fruits and cakes and coffees to do it. With Liu Qingge bent over, he tore one sleeve of Liu Qingge's shirt clean off, before moving down to Liu Qingge's pants.

They hadn't planned out of any of this, but Liu Qingge knew damn well there was only one thing he was meant to do in this position—he struggled like his honor depended on it (and it certainly did), bucking and kicking and twisting even after He Xuan slammed his forehead twice into the table.

"Feisty," He Xuan heard Sang Jingxing comment gleefully. "Just say the word if you want any help."

"My lieutenant's not a fan of touching what other people have soiled," Xie Lian commented idly, to Sang Jingxing's chuckles.

When a toss of Liu Qingge's head almost broke He Xuan's nose, He Xuan's hand found a roll of plastic wrap sitting by the fruits. This was the good stuff too, translucent and thick, breakable only by blades.

Forcing Liu Qingge down with a well-jabbed elbow, He Xuan flung the box off the roll of wrap and yanked a clear film over Liu Qingge's face. Fast as anything, he pushed the roll through the crook of his elbow and wrapped another bunched-up loop over Liu Qingge's neck.

Then he started pulling. Liu Qingge's back arched, plastic divoting instantly into his mouth, into his nostrils on an inhale. When he exhaled, He Xuan adjusted his left hand, pulling the cling film even tighter to not let any air in or out. Soon enough, the noises of Liu Qingge's ragged choking were echoing through the room.

"Wha—He Xuan?" came Shen Qingqiu's voice over the comms, alarmed. "Liu Qingge? What's going on? Xie Lian?"

"Alright, alright! That's enough!" Sang Jingxing said, laughing brightly and clapping his hands. "Don't whet my appetite if you're not going to feed it. You can take him, but on the off-chance there are any pieces left, why don't you have your man bring it back around? I'm less persnickety about those sorts of things than your man."

"I'll see what I can do," Xie Lian replied. "Ming Yi."

But He Xuan still hadn't let up. He could feel each of Liu Qingge's unfinished breaths lose rhythm in their panic, Liu Qingge's body going slack under his weight. Still, he kept his hands taught, leaning forward and pinning Liu Qingge's hips to the table with his—

"He has to sell it, A-Yuan-ge, Sang Jingxing's only testing—"

"Ming Yi."

He Xuan halted. Released his hands.

Liu Qingge spat the plastic wrap off his face and promptly vomited bile onto the table.

"I said, we're leaving." Xie Lian's voice this time was icy, and Sang Jingxing almost clasped Xie Lian's shoulder with a sympathetic hand until he thought better of it.

"Everybody gets carried away sometimes. Boys will be boys."

And he had the nerve to wink at He Xuan. If He Xuan were any less good at keeping his own feelings under wraps, he'd have hauled across the room and beaten Sang Jingxing to a pulp by now.

"I have no use for attack dogs that don't follow my order," was all Xie Lian had to say on that. He inclined his head, and that was all the order He Xuan needed to pull Liu Qingge up again and march him back out the room.

(Ignoring what felt like a very little but very real flinch when his hand closed over Liu Qingge's shoulder.)

A bit later, they parted ways with Xie Lian, who would make his exit through the hotel lobby. He Xuan and Liu Qingge took a circuitous route to the back of the hotel garage, where Liu Qingge shrugged off He Xuan's gesture to help, instead marching over ten meters of rough gravel ground on bare feet to get to his shoes and their car.

"Oooh," Luo Binghe murmured in his I'm-cracking-a-safe-so-have-little-brain-to-mouth-filter voice. "Trouble in paradise?"

"That's why you should always ask for consent before choking people," Shen Qingqiu mumbled mutinously. "Liu-xuedi, can you even speak right now?"

Liu Qingge snarled, but didn't answer, which definitely meant that he knew his voice would be compromised. A rough red line was carved across the left side of his neck where He Xuan had applied most pressure, and He Xuan couldn't help but stare at it when they got into the car.

It wasn't until Liu Qingge smacked a hand against his steering wheel that He Xuan looked up, and saw Liu Qingge mouth clearly and angrily, drive!

Pressing on the cabin lights above their heads, He Xuan articulated his motions as he moved in to pluck the earpiece from Liu Qingge's ear. Then he did the same for himself, gathering the two comm pieces into one fist. Liu Qingge looked at him with a distrustful frown the whole time.

"I'm sorry," He Xuan said, simply and honestly. He didn't bother giving any reasons or excuses or promises, only his regret, pure and true.

Liu Qingge watched him back for one long moment, before rolling his eyes.

You had to take off the comms to apologize? he mouthed, clearly angling his face and exaggerating his lip movements for He Xuan to see. Something tight between He Xuan's lungs loosened and slipped away, and He Xuan turned back to face the steering wheel, the tight line of his own lips relaxing.

"Sorry," he said, dropping the comms into the cup-holder between them. "I don't read lips."

(iv)

"Xuedi, you know my money's on Binghe," Shen Qingqiu had shrugged.

"And I'd bet on you, Liu Qingge, but I'm afraid with my luck, you wouldn't want me to," Xie Lian had laughed apologetically.

"He Xuan," Liu Qingge now demanded to know, rounding on He Xuan and crossing his arms. He Xuan just adjusted his glasses and kept typing on his computer. "Who's your money on?"

They were after a black widow predator, so of course Luo Binghe and Liu Qingge had made the bachelor auction into a competition.

By the door, Luo Binghe was rolling his eyes.

"Oh sure, go crying to daddy when you're losing a bet—"

He Xuan personally thought Luo Binghe, of all people, had no business mocking other people's relationships with the term "daddy." But that wasn't why he interrupted.

"Keep talking, Luo Binghe, and I'm changing my mind."

Luo Binghe brightened, standing up straight.

"Wait, you mean?"

"A hundred on you."

Whooping with a brilliant and admittedly handsome grin, Luo Binghe lifted his chin at Liu Qingge in a gesture of triumph.

"Told you I'm going to get a higher bid. But chin up, maybe you'll defy all, and I do mean all expectations and take home the pot. Cheers, He Xuan."

With that, he left, closing He Xuan's apartment door behind him, leaving only He Xuan and a very, very betrayed-lookng Liu Qingge standing inside.

He Xuan finally shut his laptop screen and looked up, meeting Liu Qingge's glare with an unapologetic look of his own.

"Yes?"

With a huff of disbelief, Liu Qingge turned and stormed away. Mid-storm, he paused, pivoted, and stormed right back.

"You're always—!" He jabbed a finger into He Xuan's chest, and He Xuan let him. He Xuan even circled over to the other side of the counter to let him. "Mocking me."

With a sound of agreement, He Xuan took a step closer. And as always, Liu Qingge read exactly what he wanted in a gesture, and didn't back away, despite clearly wanting to stomp off somewhere and lick his wounded pride in peace.

He Xuan nudged up his chin with a single knuckle, and allowed himself something just a tiny bit smaller than a smile, but no less true.

"And look how good you take it."

(iv)

It started after they stole an election, and then a country, and then took down Wen Ruohan.

"Take your clothes off. Right now."

It caught aflame between bright, almost disbelieving stares that they'd pulled off such a thing, and that Lang Qianqiu was now legally the president-elect.

"Hands behind your back."

It surged into all-consuming fire with Liu Qingge, all pliant limbs and steel-certain center as always, making his way into He Xuan's hotel room.

"I'm going to fucking ruin you."

"I fucking dare you."

It found them encased in sunlight, warm and oven-hot on this tiny European island. Luckily, the AC was on full blast, cooling the room enough that Liu Qingge and He Xuan could comfortably heat it back up again.

Indeed, Liu Qingge was sweating, and He Xuan was wiping his own forehead and body clean with a wet washcloth by the open-planning bathroom sink. At a leisurely pace, He Xuan twisted open a complimentary glass bottle of sparkling water and quenched his own thirst.

He made sure to gulp loudly enough that Liu Qingge, panting and grunting on the bed, could hear what he was doing. And sure enough, Liu Qingge growled in response.

A look of pleasure broke out over He Xuan's face, and he strolled back to bed, dangling another bottle between his fingers. He didn't open it though, opting instead to watch the little show he'd left going on the bed.

They'd co-opted one of the hotel curtain rails and some white satin curtain ties. The rail was currently tied between Liu Qingge's ankles as a make-do spreader bar. When he was fucking Liu Qingge, He Xuan had hauled that spreader bar far over Liu Qingge's head, hooking the center over a point on the headboard. Beneath Liu Qingge's thus-lifted ass, his hands were tied, wrist-to-wrist by yet another white curtain tie.

After he'd finished and before he'd gone for a towel and a drink, He Xuan had said, if you want me to fuck you again, don't let any of my cum leak out.

So now Liu Qingge was left to compress and contort himself every time he felt He Xuan's spend leaking out of him. When he saw He Xuan so blatantly watching, Liu Qingge went red—but that didn't stop him from gritting his teeth and chasing after a leaking trail with his straining fingers.

He Xuan hummed, pleased, as Liu Qingge fingered the cum back into himself, which inevitably just smeared white liquid even more messily over his exposed hole and the flesh of his ass.

"Look how good you take it," He Xuan murmured, getting back onto the bed.

Due to his position, Liu Qingge sounded a bit winded as he spoke, all of his abdominal muscles engaged to keep his hips and legs up like so.

"Don't you ever get tired of giving orders?"

It was a lighthearted complain, as meaningless as Liu Qingge, such a meaningful man, could make anything sound. It might have struck a nerve in He Xuan on any other day, but on this day, it liquefied in his belly and turned to warmth, pleasant like hot tea.

Because he understood that against all odds, this was Liu Qingge understanding him. Liu Qingge's exasperation, rather than humiliation or frustration at being put in such a position and given such a task, was proof that he knew what it was that made He Xuan tick. He got it, He Xuan's thing with orders.

That was why he was so damn good at taking them.

So He Xuan cracked open the second bottle of water and placed it between Liu Qingge's palms. Lifted an eyebrow when Liu Qingge realized He Xuan had no intention to help him get that bottle to his mouth (or vice versa—as such, it might actually be easier for him to get his mouth to the bottle).

"To you?" He Xuan murmured as he sat back against the pillows to watch the show. "Never."

[spacemilkies]

gateau→  ; part i of iii

pairing: cal kestis x reader

word count: 2.5k+

summary: “So you had a Jedi as a roommate … that wont be a problem in the future or anything.”

a/n:  a bunch of new things to get me writing. all written at some ungoldly hour. this will probably be a three part series. something short and simple, based off the prologue with some background. hey, no song fic for once. i spent all day in this fandom. i feel ready. put me in coach.

                                                                    _______

“C’mon just this once, please.”

“Oh ho, no no. This is definitely not the first time.”

There was never a good reason for your roommate to visit you on the job. Not only were you stationed on opposite side of the station, you differing positions also lessened the opportunity for you to meet up without explicit reason. 

He was a rigger and you were a builder, simple as that. 

You refrained from lifting your mask, maintaining a sense of distance from the conversation as you continued to weld the two pieces of metal together. Maybe if you did your job hard enough he would eventually give up out of respect of your workload….

Who were you kidding.

A fiery shock of red hair crouched down next to you, apparently uncaring for the wayward sparks emitting from your torch. It was only when he dared to lean closer that you reluctantly cut the power out of concern for basic occupational safety. 

Flipping the hood of your mask, you gave him your sharpest glare to which he combatted easily with a killer smile. If only it was as effective on his conquests as he seemed to think the same applies to you. 

“You’re all just going to melt it down any.”

Any metals and ores that made it up here were better than the average scraps found in the lower sectors and certainly worth a pretty sum of credits. It was your roommate's favorite way to exploit your job and threaten your only means of survival in the same breath. 

 Darting your gaze around, you found that for once your colleges were rather forgiving of personal space. Though it didn’t mean that your supervisors wouldn’t have watchful eyes on your every move. Hence why these daring favors tended to have more impact than meaningless valve. 

You weren’t agreeing. Definitely were not going to get drawn into to those pleading baby blues. You were just curious. 

“And what exactly do two upstanding individuals as yourselves need with my fine metals?”

Cal’s smirk was shallow but no where lacking in its killer properties,” I’d bend your fine metals anyway.”

With a huff, you nudged him away with your shoulder. Practice allowing you to ignore the faint flush it brought to your cheeks. 

“You’re wasting time, Cal.”

“Just something nice. I’ll pay you back.”

You were not going to fall for it Totally, explicitly would not lose resolve on your promise to not give in like last time. You were strong and resilient and Cal was a big boy with his own means of survival and-

“I swear to all above, Cal if you-”

The force of his lips against your cheek nearly knocked you over and you were left momentarily stunned as nimble fingers searched knowingly against your body. Before you knew it, he was drawing away, your access card in hand. 

You should be happy with how quickly he scrambled to his feet, prepared for a hasty departure. It wouldn’t be long before your superiors began making their rounds and the last thing they wanted to see was a scrapper hunting around their stores. 

Gesturing with two fingers against his temple, Cal waved off before he disappeared around the corner. 

“Why are you not working? Your pay is based on your progress, not your time.”

Swallowing down a retort, you merely smiled shallowly in response to the haughty order as you tugged back down your face mask, Cal’s phantom touch still lingering against your form.

“Of course, sir.”

                                                                    _______

It should be said that Cal wasn’t a terrible roommate. In fact, when he first responded to your advertisement you had a feeling that he would actually be a helpful one.

That was a lie.

You knew that he would be a cute one. Someone that you would have to try /really hard to keep your hands off of. Fortunately for you, at the beginning he felt more like a brother than a bachelor. His boyish habits cutting into some of his charm.

It didn’t take much longer than that before the two of you fell into a rhythm of sorts. 

Having another human around was kind of nice too. 

Not to say you preached xenophobia. Some of your closer friends on this desolate planet were part of varying species. But in a way it aided in building a familiar quality of home even as you reside on the opposite side of the galaxy. 

Cal was moderately fair roommate. He wasn’t spotty with rent and you split the amenities, as scarce as they were, fairly. He was a little messy but not in the obnoxious unhygienic way. 

Everything was balanced. 

And you couldn’t really complain. 

He was a great guy. His humor and antics proving to raise your mood after a long day. Just the way he spoke about his own day bringing tears to your eyes and curling your stomach with laughter. 

You were a capable engineer, even though your talents were wasted on rebuilding the same schematics over and over again. At home, you are able to hone your own skills. Working on various knick knacks and gadgets. It was nice to have a second opinion as well. 

The two of you had spent many nights huddled around the living room surrounded by scattered parts and various prototypes. Only to have to separate the more advanced ones in fear of being caught. 

It was nice. 

                                                                    _______

“Damn, I didn’t think the boss would ever let you off.”

With less finesse and not a care in the world, you dropped haggeded into the seat offered by your friends. After another long week it was nice to finally load off with a few drinks and company chatter. 

For some reason the quota skyrocketed in the past few weeks. The recycling of old metal into new vessels becoming an unrelenting force on your crew. 

It turned out to be one of the worst moments to find yourself promoted. 

To think just three weeks ago you were throwing around drinks in celebration and now you were ready to drown out the accomplishment with whatever was on tap. 

“Apparently they’re bringing in a huge freighter soon,” you called out solemnly. Your supervisor had shown you the schematics of the parts that would be salvaged and what they wanted to accomplish with its predecessor. 

After another long shift all you could really make out was work and more work. 

But at least the same would be said for the riggers. 

To your right Reif, a Rodian, spoke crudely over a mouthful of food,” Yeah, been hearing about that one for sometime now. Suppose to be a Separist ship. Going to be quite the project.”

Slouching idly in your seat, you played lazily with the handle of the mug offered to you. Just another long project to keep you stranded on this planet. Not to say you had any plans otherwise. 

If anything you should really thank them for giving you something to focus on. 

Garnering everyone’s attention with a slam of her glass against the table, Enisa a pretty pale blue Rylothian, slurs loudly,” Enough of all this work talk. Let’s focus on something else.”

Then she’s sliding sharply into you, leaving you to fumble with your own glass,” Like your roommate. Why didn’t you tell me he was available.”

Because you weren’t in the market providing companions?

Your furrowed burrow must have voiced your thoughts because she was rolling her eyes without your verbal response. 

“Oh don’t play dumb. You’re harboring one of the few attractive souls on this god forsaken planet. And you’re not even bumping uglies with him, what a shame.”

You were stuck between defending your own choices and wondering when she learned such a human phrase. It was hardly worth the effort of explaining how the two of you just weren't like that. Your inventory of excuses were running dry.

“Stop making it awkward for her, she has to live with the guy.”

Catching Reif’s gaze over the rim of your glass, you give him a thankful nod. The rest of your group takes the initiative to fill the silence and progresses the conversation further into the night. Unlike most outings, neither of you are able to keep up with one another past a few extra hours. The weight of the day taking more out of you as it came to a close. 

You’re not the only one grateful when Reif brings the outing to a close. 

There is just enough alcohol in your system to make you stumble through the threshold of your home, groaning quietly as you try to stabilize yourself. More likely than not Cal was already asleep and you didn’t want to disrupt that. 

Now with the evening settling into your bones, there wasn't a part of your body that didn't ache and the incoming headache didn't make any part of it better. 

Right now the couch was looking a lot more inviting than it should be. You’d deal with the consequences it would leave on your body in the morning. 

Rounding the edge, you collapsed back into the cushions.

“What the hell?”

“Shit, Cal! What the fuck?”

A sharp hiss escapes him when your elbow jabs unkindly into the softness of his side. Before you could try to remedy it, his hand is gripping your upper arm and settling you more safely in the available space rather than on top of him. 

For a moment it's just your mixed breaths as you come down from the unexpected surprise. With more care, you twist more comfortably mindful of your limbs this time. 

It's hardly necessary but you whisper anyway. 

“Why are you here?”

You feel his arm wiggling behind your head and you raise your neck obediently to allow it to rest beneath you. As a reward, the same hand curls inward to comb through your hair lazily. He works his fingers across your nape and back up to your scalp finding just the right spot and drew small circles. 

“Dunno, just came home and ended up here. Kind of like you but less dramatically.”

You snort, “Sorry, wasn’t expecting a party of two.”

He hums to himself, the pad of his thumb pressing inward in a way the manages to reset your whole mindframe and you nearly white out from the release. 

There is more that could be said but the words escape you both as you settle for the night. If you weren't already going to regret this before, you were definitely were going to more now for an entirely different reason. But there was no chance of you altering the flow of what it was now. 

You would just have to lay there and try not to think too hard about the natural slot of your body to Lance’s despite the finite space. It was much easier to count the staccato of his dull thumping heartbeat as it lulled you off to sleep. 

                                                                     _______

“Goddammit, Meeka. You’re going to wake up your mom.”

Too late. 

Though in the defense of your mischievous loth-cat, the warm smell of breakfast permeating from the kitchen was just one waft away from rousing you. Stretching out your arms, you used the length of them to hook around the back of the couch to drag you up. 

Questionably burnt but you recognize the scent of some of your favorites.You has not caught a glimpse of what he was wearing last night but Cal appears to be wearing some fresh clothes. The way the collar of his shirt is damp in the back hints towards a shower. 

Part of you wonders if breakfast is a preemptive apology towards a cold shower you would be expecting later. 

“Where do you have to go so early?”

If you startle him, he doesn't show. He slides a bit of food onto a plate, giving Meeka more than gracious portion before bringing the plate to you. You take it gratefully, balancing it on the spine of the couch.

Alert to your presence and no doubt ready to beg for more scraps, you watch unimpressed as the feline-like creature slinks against you. She gets what's expected anyway as you part with a strip of meat.

Leaning against the counter within view, Cal scolds you playfully. “And you said I spoil her.”

“You start it,” you retort without any bite.

You blame the queasiness on residue alcohol when he laughs warmly. 

“Oh. “ You look up and Cal has a fork pointed at you. ‘’Your access card is on the table there.”

You’d already forgotten about that.

“Get anything good?” Safely, is weighted on your tongue but it seems like a waste to add it. Cal has always been mindful of his self, actions and footsteps in a way that makes you wonder how long he’s been watching his own back. 

In the few years you’ve known him, things like the past rarely came up. No one really came to Bracca chasing a future. It was just a means to an end until you could find something better if you could manage to get out. 

You hard already stopped trying when Cal stumbled into your life. But now it hardly seemed like a bad thing. 

The clank of dishes brings you out of your thoughts. His back is to you now as he cleans his mess.

“It will be a nice personal pay raise, that’s for sure. Prauf sends his thanks too.”

Cal surprises you again when he comes to collect your empty plate. Rather than comment it on it, you lounge comfortably in the domesticity of it all. 

“What’s your plan for the day?”

That was a good question. 

Your body had an obvious vote towards rest but responsibilities made a greater bid on your time. A bit of shopping would unfortunately be necessary but your savings would have to survive. Between the recent raise and this upcoming project, you should survive to hit. 

Replenish resources it would be then. At least if you start early enough it would allow you to relax for the remainder of the day. 

Cal’s gaze follows as you stretch and eventually slink off the couch. Meeka happy to have the entire furniture to herself doesn’t waste a moment to snuggle into your lingering warmth. 

“Down to the Bazaar first, then after that we’ll see.”

But first to see how much hot water you were going to be working with. Yawning loudly, you get to work with untangling the mess of your hair. Just before you can round the corner, Cal calls out to you.

“Want to make it a date?”

It’s an innocent play of words. One’s he’s used in the past without acting on it. 

‘And you’re not even bumping uglies with him, what a shame.’

And just when you finally stopped overthinking it.

Peeking over your shoulder, you found Cal waiting expectantly yet so unaware of the winds of the storm picking up in your mind. Was it even worth it to wonder if similar thoughts ever troubled him?

-nah, it was just easier to smile.

“Yeah, it’s a date.”

[skiller0dani]

Heather | Zagene

M A S T E R L I S T YouTube Masterlist

angst  requests info

I’ve always been really selective of what I write about. But I’m done doing that lol. I’m going to write about what I want to write about, and if people don’t like it then they can go to another blog. 

And today I feel like writing something kinda sad about one of my favorite YouTube ships. Zagene, or Zach and Eugene from The Try Guys. There’s something so pure about how opposite they are. Also I love that Eugene “hates” hugs but like always is hugging Zach?? And just being cuddly towards him??? but sure, Eugene “doesn’t like” hugs. 

also I got inspired obvi by the song “Heather” so Zach’s imaginary girlfriend is named Heather. I couldn’t use Maggie, I love her and Zach together too much. 

Eugene didn’t hate her, he just wanted to. 

Honestly she was sweet, she was kind, and funny, and it was all his damned fault. He had helped Zach polish his Tinder profile after days of Zach’s endless begging. Eugene didn’t even know how deep his feelings ran until after Zach and Heather got together. He was the master at hiding his emotions, even from himself it would seem. Heather was quirky, wore penguin socks to work, once shaved her head just for fun, she was so perfect for him. They were both tiny, odd, and were much kinder than this world deserved. 

Eugene did not hate Heather, no matter how badly he wanted to. 

He wanted to hate her. He wanted to hate her when he saw her press her lips to Zach’s. He wanted to hate her when Zach shed his jacket to lay softly over her shoulders when the wind picked up. Eugene wanted to hate her, but mostly because of the way Zach lit up whenever she was around. He wanted to be the one making Zach come alive, he wanted to be the most important person in Zach’s life. Eugene is completely aware how incredibly selfish that is but he can’t help himself, he wants Zach all to himself. He wanted to hate Heather, but he didn’t. How could he hate someone who was always so unfailingly kind to him? If anything, Eugene hates himself for letting it go this far. He should have dealt with this stupid crush on Zach the first second he noticed it, but he didn’t. He let it fester and grow until it felt like a wound infected with flowers. Something that should be horrible, but isn’t. That almost makes it more horrible. 

Zach walked into the office that cursed day with the brightest smile upon his face. He waltzed right over to his standing desk and ignored the questioning gaze Eugene was giving him, he looked happier than he usually did. Eugene couldn’t help but ask. 

“What the hell are you smiling about?” He scowled, but Zach didn’t seem to notice. 

“Well good morning to you too sunshine.” Zach teased, the corners of his eyes still wrinkled with that faint smile. It bugged Eugene immensely. What on Earth had Zach in such a good mood today? He turned back to his desk, trying to ignore the smaller man sitting to his left, but it nagged at him for most of the day, like an annoying itch under his skin. Eugene tried to concentrate on his work, but every time Zach’s phone screen lit up, it caught his attention. Who was Zach talking to so much? Then came the question that sent everything in Eugene’s mind spiraling downwards. 

“Hey Zach, how was your date?” It was Keith who asked, and Eugene’s throat went try in an instant. Date? Eugene looked at Zach in subtle interest, watching Zach’s face crack into that beautiful smile once more. “Great, I’m seeing her again after work.” Ned and Keith congratulated him, and asked who would be the new Mayor of ‘Singleville’. Eugene couldn’t focus on anything other than the news that Zach has found somebody. Zach, his Zach, has found somebody? Who the hell even is she? She’s probably awful, it won’t last long. Guilt flashed through Eugene at the selfish thoughts plaguing his mind, but his heart yearned for Zach painfully. 

Eugene managed to ignore Zach and the new girlfriend for the remainder of the day, that is until she was meeting him right after work. As in meeting him at the office, and unfortunately meeting the other Try Guys as well. Eugene included. 

The first thing he noticed was that annoyingly, she was absolutely beautiful. Her eyes gleamed when she looked at Zach, her hand searching for him in some way, eventually grasping at his hand. “Hi, uh I’m Heather.” She greeted nervously upon looking at Eugene. She seemed put together when she spoke to Keith and Ned, but Eugene was far more intimidating to approach then the other two. Plus the deep set glare Eugene had on his face didn’t make him feel any more approachable. Zach shot him a pleading look, a ‘please don’t scare her away’ look. 

Eugene promptly ignored him. He was trying to scare her away. 

“Eugene.” He said coldly, his handshake brief as he towered above her. She really was tiny, even Zach towered over her. She couldn’t have been taller than 5,0″. Zach pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before shooting Eugene another look after excusing himself to gather his things. Poor Heather stood trembling in Eugene’s presence, and found herself inching closer to Keith and Ned. But Eugene was someone really important to Zach, so she wanted to know him. Even if Eugene didn’t want to know her. “S-So how long have you known Zach?” 

Eugene was hoping she wasn’t talking to him, but when he looked over at her their eyes met. 

“Longer than you.” Eugene snapped. He couldn’t help himself, it felt like they were competing for Zach’s attention. Eugene was going to win. 

“Oh don’t mind him, he doesn’t really like strangers.” Ned laughed nervously, Eugene was closed off to people he didn’t know so that was no surprise, but he was being extra bristly today and nobody knew why. Well, nobody except for maybe Keith- who’d had a hunch about where Eugene’s heart was located and Eugene’s less than welcoming attitude towards Zach’s girlfriend was all the confirmation he needed. Heather steeled her frazzled nerves and faced Eugene again. 

“Zach speaks very highly of you, he says you’re an extremely talented film director.” She says and Eugene feels disarmed for a moment. Zach has told her about him? What else has Zach said? 

“He embellishes my skills. I’ve had a lot of work on the projects I’ve directed.” 

“He also said you were stoic.” She smiled when she saw a crack in Eugene’s armor. She may not know how intense Eugene’s feelings for Zach are but she can certainly see that Zach is a soft spot for Eugene. She figures it’s in a brotherly way- and she finds that endearing. She’s wrong, but Eugene won’t tell her that. Heather opens her mouth to say something else but when Zach emerges with a large backpack slung over his shoulder- Eugene’s eyebrows pinch together in concern. 

“Let me-” 

“Eugene you don’t have to.” 

“Your back is going to hurt.” Eugene insists as he takes Zach’s bag and car keys, his eyes only briefly glancing towards Heather. Zach watches with heated cheeks as Eugene hauls his bag out to the car, “why didn’t you tell me Eugene has such a soft spot for you?” Heather asks with a small smile. 

Confusion is the first thing that crosses Zach’s mind. 

“He doesn’t?” Zach questions with a laugh but Heather merely raises a brow at him. 

“Oh he so does, he wanted nothing to do with me until I started talking about you.” She said and another blush roared across Zach’s pale cheeks. He drapes an arm over her shoulder with a nervous shrug. But when he sees Eugene sitting on the porch steps outside, he pulls away from Heather. 

Eugene hears the door creak open, and he already knows who it is by the scent of Zach’s cologne. He never wears cologne. He probably wore it for Heather. “You okay ‘Gene?” That was a nickname Eugene detested at first, but now he doesn’t mind it. Only when Zach says it- he snaps at anyone else who says it. 

“Mhm.” Eugene offers a glance over his shoulder, but Zach doesn’t move. Eugene feels his heart splintering with every worried look Zach gives him, he could never tell Zach why he was so upset. Sorry I’ve been in love with you for the last 3 years, so that’s why I hate your girlfriend, except I don’t really hate her because she’s actually not that bad! 

Zach sits next to Eugene and bumps their shoulders together. “You’re retreating back into yourself again.” It’s safer that way. Eugene wants to say, but he doesn’t. Instead he merely offers nothing more than a shrug, he needs to stop being selfish and just let Zach be happy even if it’s not with him. Eugene feels nauseated in Zach’s presence, he feels like Zach is cheating on him. He knows how ridiculous that sounds, but thinking of him with Heather, makes Eugene positively sick to his stomach. The anger rising inside Eugene is going to erupt from him any second now, why wont Zach just leave him alone? 

“Eugene whatever it is-” 

“It’s you Zach! Why the hell do you talk about me so damn much? There’s no reason your fucking girlfriend should know so much about me already.” Eugene snaps angrily, his face twisting as he glares over at Zach. The normal smile on Zach’s face has melted away, “I’m sorry- I didn’t know-” 

“No you did know you just didn’t care. You’re selfish Zach and you don’t think about anyone except for yourself. Now get your stupid girlfriend and leave me the hell alone.” Eugene nearly yells, the pain in his heart overwhelming him. He doesn’t dare glance at Zach, even when he hears a sniffle come from him, not even when Zach stands and hastily turns back inside, not when the door slams shut behind him. Zach was crying. Eugene made him cry. Eugene drops his head to his hands, feeling tears pushing into his own eyes. 

Nothing felt the same after Eugene’s angry outburst, and the last thing Eugene wanted to do was change the dynamic of his and Zach’s friendship. But everything felt different now. He didn’t know if he should talk to Zach about it or...apologize? Zach didn’t seem very keen on talking to Eugene anyway. Heather swung by the office more often, and despite what happened with Zach she still smiled at Eugene. She still brought him coffee when she brought everyone else coffee, she still told him ‘good afternoon’. She was still so damn nice. 

Damn her. 

It was late, and Zach was trying to get some work done, he found himself in the office but his back was starting to scream in pain. The stiffness in his neck had spread far down the length of his spine, and he winced in pain as he stood and stretched. Zach couldn’t stop thinking about what Eugene said, how angry he was. Zach wanted to know what was wrong, and he knew 100% it wasn’t because he told Heather about Eugene. It still hurt to hear the hurtful things Eugene said, but something else is bothering him and he was lashing out. 

“Oh hey babe.” Zach greeted after hearing his Vampire Weekend ringtone. Heather was silent, in all honesty Zach wasn’t sure how interested he even was in her. Sure she was beautiful, funny, kind, and the sex was okay but the entire relationship lacked that spark. It lacked that butterflies in your stomach moment, when Zach kissed Heather he felt no fireworks going off, no weak in the knees. It just felt like a kiss, and he knew he couldn’t keep this up forever. He has no idea why he asked her out in the first place. 

“Can we talk?” This question should make him nervous, but it doesn’t. 

Zach leans against the wall, the pain in his spine becoming unbearable by the second. “Sure.” He winces, Heather doesn’t mention it if she hears him. 

“I like you Zach, but I can tell you don’t like me. Because of Eugene.” Zach’s eyebrows furrow, because of Eugene? 

“What do you mean?” He asks in confusion, and it honestly breaks her heart that Zach doesn’t deny the fact that he doesn’t like her. 

“I have no idea how you haven’t noticed your obvious crush on Eugene.” The second the words leave her lips, Zach’s entire world seems to stop. Zach doesn’t have a crush on Eugene, does he? 

“Look it really isn’t a big deal to me, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Heather says and she doesn’t sound angry, or even hurt but Zach knows she probably is. “Uh yeah okay.” Is all he can think to say, does he have a crush on Eugene? 

Zach feels like he should be more bothered by the fact that Heather just broke up with him but as soon as he hangs up the call, his back pain goes sky high. Zach collapses against the couch, his legs going numb from the pain. Zach reaches for his phone but groans, he can’t call Heather for help obviously and Keith and Ned are on double date night with their wives. 

That leaves only Eugene. 

As soon as Eugene hears the pain in Zach’s voice, and the gentle plea he’s out his apartment door. When he reaches the office, Zach is still on the floor, propped against the couch as he writhes in pain. Neither of them say anything as Eugene kneels down to take Zach’s hands, and neither of them address the spark that shoots through them at the feel of skin on skin. Neither of them talk about the fight, neither of them talk about the fact that Zach leaned into Eugene’s chest more naturally then he would have liked. Eugene scoops Zach into his arms, and he ignores how nice it feels to be the one Zach called for help, to be the one Zach wanted to take care of him. 

No neither of them talk about the obvious feelings stirring in both of their chests.

They don’t talk about it, but they should.  

[richard-of-windoor]

anyways this post is. idk i just want to try writing out my feelings. i cant promise any of this is gonna make sense. bc if i cant talk to anyone ill just type it out. 

tw for dark feelings and self harm mention

like if you read

i messed up so bad. i messed up so bad. i get told that things arent always my fault but guess what they always end up being my fault. and this is 2000% my fault. i will always have to live with the scar i created. a knife thrust deep in my chest, the blood pouring out of it like the tears running down my face. i gave in to temptation and i never should have. i wanted to experience something, but i experienced it all with the wrong person. i was so selfish. people always tell you “think of yourself first” and i fucking did. and it caused a catastrophe in my mind. i dont deserve sympathy, i dont deserve kindness, i dont deserve second chances. i deserve to rot 6 feet under. alone. like i deserve. like im used to. i told myself in school a lot that id die alone, and im telling myself that again. because its true. no one will love me. they will for a short time but then ill fuck up again or cry too long and theyll see im not worth it. people think its so easy. no one understands how deep my self hatred is. how its apart of me now. i look in the mirror i see a fucking disgusting asshole. i try to put on makeup, all i see is a clown trying to be pretty and failing. i try to cosplay, all i see is garbage. theres a reason whenever i beg for help theres no one there. its what i deserve. no one. i lost all those friends for a reason, did i really think theyd stay. did my delusional mind really tell myself that? i try to make new friends to replace old ones and no one wants me. no one wants an annoying whiny bitch. i can barely stutter through a sentence. i dont need a fortune teller for my future. my future is sitting alone in an apartment. begging for anyone to help me. but no one coming. i wont have a roommate. no one would be able to live with me, im sure even someone on craigslist would leave in a second. “but maybe youll find love” no. no no nononnonononononoNONONO. no i fucking wont. no one wants to love me. no one will love me. the second i let myself fall in love with someone is when im able to get hurt and i dont want to be in pain. im not a good partner. i will never be good for anyone. im a leech. i suck away any happiness you could possibly have. no one will ever want someone this depressed. this messed up. no one this ugly. its been a while since i thought about self harming. id love nothing more right now than to slice my pathetic skin open. to carve useless into my arm so im forced to look at it. but im too scared of my parents finding out. i wish all my friends were smarter and just dropped me. im unhealthy. im sick.

ill never get to experience anything with you. i never attempted to try anything bc. you were always so uncomfortable with anything i did. i didnt want to push you away. i just wanted longer kisses. cuddle in the back of your car. feeding each other things. stupid lovey stuff. the knife twists even deeper, remembering all that i lost. twists deeper as i remember how i hurt you. how selfish i was. at the time i really did think youd be glad to be rid of me. i mean wouldnt anyone? no one wants someone like me hanging around them. youre always so busy already why should i take up more of your precious free time. im scared. i really am. i want to believe i have even a 1% chance with you again but im wrong and i know it. i fucked it up.  im scared of her experiencing everything i dreamed of. her getting you to the fullest. im scared of her telling you im a bad person. opening your eyes to how toxic i am. your vision is clouded but hers wont be. im bad for you. for everyone. i feel like theres a wall in between us. your knuckles are probably hurt and bloody from trying to knock it down, but i refuse to let it fall. i dont want you hurt by me again. when i wrote you that letter i wanted you to scream at me. refuse me. fight for me. i wanted you to tell me how wrong i was. but no you accepted it. like the good person you are. you should feel happy right now that im finally getting my karma. but youre too nice to think like that. 

im having trouble breathing again. its such a simple task but why is it so hard right now. my own body might be trying to kill me for the sake of everyone. i want to give up. i really do. i want this stupid dream of having a chance to end. i want to stop trying to think positively that one day your hand may be in mine because its not true and it will never be true.  i cant keep trying to hope for these delusions to come true. i want to cling to my daydream of us in an apartment. one of us coming home from work being greeted by the other. we kiss and cuddle on our couch. the glass breaks. its not happening.  a stupid daydream thought up by a stupider individual. that dream is reserved for another. 

[fearlessandfreespirited]

To the one following me, from afar

      You still follow me daily. Not physically but mentally. You have scarred me, altered my mental state. As I will always walk with your shadow.      There are so many things to say to you if i went back to day one. Many things i would say, that i was too afraid of saying before. Things i know would anger you, and make you want to hurt me. There are so many things, That i could spit twards you. I'll say this.       I'll forgive you.      I hated myself everyday, our whole time together. I admit i didnt fall in love with you. I fell in love with the release. It was all a distraction from the emotional wreckage i carried with me the day we met. I was hurt by a short term issue, and you were nothing more than a therapist. At least you told me you were.      I had low self esteem, to which you groped. You saw my distress, and you used that weakness to mold me into someone i now look back, and have absolutely no love for.       See the thing is, somehow you made me think you loved me, You had me fooled. You used kind words to gain from my weakened heart. Lied from the begining. Gave me a facade that you were a therapist. Made me believe i needed you. Because you numbed my pain with your false security. You spoke words that covered the other half of my heart. Used a tounge of gold and words of love, that i was missing in that one moment.        I made the mistake of listening to your altering words from the day we met. I trusted your lies. You made me jump into an illusion of what i wanted. I dont understand how i was sheepish enough to let you instantly flip my pain. Leaving me dispensing it at the person i longed for the most. How could i be so easily turned against the only person i needed. I had made mistakes but he had not been one. How could i let words change me. You made me think he didnt even want me? You fucked up my head. I thought i was stronger. You twisted me into feeling a new hurt, by someone who wasn't even there to hurt me. You rewired my mind with words and illusions. You re-crafted the mind of the woman you had in your clutch. Yet you left me still feeling i wasn't good enough?      You've kept me up, and continue to keep me up at night. You caused my utter disgust twards life itself... My utter hatred twards that weak minded fool, that walked in on that awful day. I blamed myself for your actions. But no such blame exists anymore. I was weak, and i allowed you to change my views. I never deserved the pain you delivered. No person, deserves the actions you have shown twards me.  We fought so much, and severely. You've pushed me through windows. You've beat me with fists. You've cut me with kitchen knives. You have tossed me around like i was nothing. Acttacking for my disobedience twards your sexist visions. Do you still hear me screaming for you to "please, stop" over and over again until my lungs burned. You got upset at any sign of me being my own person. We never talked about what was wrong. When i tried to talk about what was wrong, you hurt me. You lie, so much. You've lied to me, to everyone. When your'e asked why i left you, does it feel less haunting by making yourself the victim? I foolishly fell for the “it wont happen again”s your “im sorry baby”s the “I'm getting help”s.            All of it; And still.        I will forgive you.       There is no hope in hatred twards you. Hating only harms me, i cant hate that you created who i became. I can never undo you not stopping after i asked you too. The bruises have healed, but my bones still crack. Although i can never get back the things you stole from me, I still choose to be the bigger person.       Because of you, I now know what i want, What i need, And what i deserve; not only from a partner, but from anyone within my life.        Because of you i remember what it was like before you, I remember that love. I now know to not tolerate those that make me feel worthless.        You taught me what; Narcissism, Severe anger, Compulsive lying, Mental and Physical abuse, Manipulation, Abandonment, Paranoia, Controlling, and Mental destruction; looks, and feels like.      Ive gained the beautiful freedom from your hypnotic tounge. I am a lot of things because of you're actions, and my decisions. I am not forgiving you because anything you did to me was ever okay. I choose to forgive you because you shown me what love, is not.       And No, its not giving you credit for the upbringing, that your sneaking downward pull, broke me to choose. I am just stating that i have choosen to forgive you, for you brought me down so far into a mental captivity; That I am forced to climb back up from. I admit to myself that i had allowed myself to hurt.  I could have left quicker. I made that choice. ME.               I gathered the strength, and courage to help myself. I did that. I made the change that finally ended my suffering. All by acknowledging you were no good for me. You are not better than me Sir, you are cowardly. I own up to the reality that everyone make mistakes, even me.       For your momma, you are in a very hard spot. I respect, and care for your safety and health. I have personally seen the fear he placed in your eyes. He puts you in a position i felt stuck in, like a deer in headlights. It's worse for you, are his mother. You recieve disrespect through his actions to women, to other people and his blatant lack of shame or remorse.      I stood up for myself;   Yes, physically. i was left fearing my own life. I never intended to harm anyone. Even in fighting back i put his well being before mine. I felt i deserved the pain. Because i let his words bring me to where i was. I tore a heart full of love for no fucking reason. So I did not retaliate until i felt he was hurting me to much for me to handle. For the better, i stood up by leaving. I wish it was as simple as leaving him for you. He feeds off of you, and has caused your health to deteriorate. He would be lost without you, for he can not care for himself. Yet he runs your life. I sincerely hope you find peace. Before you lose all strength. He is slowly killing you. Please dont look down apon me, for standing up and saving myself. But, for him...       I will forgive you for my newfound anxiety issues, My Night terrors, My lack of trust, My fear of men, My scars, The avoidable broken hearts and the death of my old self; into a woman who thinks about what the next person will do to her.        I'll forgive you for making me believe that your gift of my never ending fear, constant paranoia and self hate was love. I have forgiven you. Sincerely, Katt

[geminimoonbeamx]

Over the River and Through the Woods

A/N: A biker! Bucky AU Christmas time story was what the world needed lol. I’m just contributing to world peace. I made this one a little personal, with the readers mom having died years before. It’s hard out here for us kids with dead parents during the holidays and I wanted to address that.

Word Count: 7k+

Warnings: Pretty SFW but definite hot moments, lots of kissing and cuddling, cursing like a sailor(because it’s who I am as a human) and TOOTH ROTTINGLY SWEET CHRISTMAS FLUFF

Summary: In which Bucky and Y/N attempt to survive not one, but three family Christmas parties on Christmas Eve. Hilarity ensues. A biker!Bucky x Plus size reader AU.

There seems to be this romanticized version of what Christmas is supposed to be like. You know, the Hallmark movie kind? Blanketed with white snow and soundtracked by caroler’s? Yeah? Well you lived in New York. The snow here was only white for a second at most before it turned to grimy slush on the streets and the soundtrack were the usual noises of the inner city; car horn and sirens.

Of course, the city did have it’s magic. Christmas in New York was something that was famed, dreamed about. People came from far and wide to see the lights, to skate the rink at Rockefeller. Bucky had taken you to the tree lighting this year, and although you’d been packed like a sardine along with crowds of other people; it’d been one of the most romantic things you’d ever done with him. Your cheeks had ached for hours afterwards because of all the smiling.

Spending your first Christmas together had been a success so far. Decorating your respective trees with one and other(because you still hadn’t taken that big step and moved in together yet), to decorating the club house with him; you’d had such a good time with Natasha and ,her and Sam’s seven year old daughter Mila. Winding twinkling lights around the bar. Hanging garlands and candy canes and mistletoe. Mila had squealed in protest when Sam had dipped Natasha dramatically under one of them, kissing her showily.

There’d been multiple Christmas movie marathon’s, mostly because the two of you couldn’t manage to get through more then a couple at a time. One of you always ended up falling asleep…or got too handsy under the blankets. Elf(Bucky’s favorite), The Santa Clause, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Love, Actually(your favorite), The Polar Express, Jack Frost(which makes you cry every time, and you swear, Bucky got teary eyed too!) And Nightmare Before Christmas(because you both agree on the big, important, things. Like that face that it’s both a Halloween and a Christmas movie).

You’d baked together. You knew the man was a good chef, but goddamn; his sugar cookies could bring you to your knees. The image of him, in nothing but a tight singlet, a pair of boxers and an apron; his hair twisted into a bun and flour on his bearded cheek was one you’d always hold near and dear to your heart.

You’d even managed to survive Holliday shopping, braving the chaos with a couple of your girlfriends and tackling your insanely long gift list, happy for all that overtime you’d managed to pull because it made you wince even thinking back on how much money you had spent. It’d taken the better part of two hours to wrap them all- mostly because you were a totally OCD about making sure they were all perfectly wrapped, adorned with bows and ribbons.

But the two of you hadn’t even endured the most challenging task of all…

“It’s going to be fucking insane” You cry, your both in your bed. You leaning against the headboard rigidly and Bucky lounging on his side.

“I know, babe”

“There’s no way…”

“We’ll find a way to make it work”

You’d shot him a dubious look. Why did he have to be so…Bucky-like all the time?! Level headed and reassuring. You’d groaned and buried your face in your hands.

“Yeah? Please explain to me how?” You’d muttered into your hands, over dramatically. You were acting like the world was ending. Like you were going to be forced into a war zone.

“We’ve just gotta’ plan it out right” Bucky’d reached over to run his thumb reassuringly over your bare thigh. He knew how you got, knew you were very easily overwhelmed “We’ll go to your families’ first, then mine, then we’ll head to the clubhouse. It wont be that bad, I promise”

Three.

Three different celebrations to go to on Christmas Eve. Why no one celebrated Christmas day, you don’t know. You cursed about it harshly.

“The traffic’s going to be aweful”

“I know” Bucky’s hand is inching dangerously close to your inner thigh. Steadily creeping up.

“How are we even going to eat three different dinners?”

“Will power and perseverance” He shrugs, grinning up at you and you cant help but giggle and card your fingers adoringly through his shaggy hair.

“You’re really feeling the Christmas spirit, huh, babe?” You say sarcastically at his positive outlook “Arent you even freaking out a little bit? Were going to have to drive from Brooklyn to Staten Island and back. On Christmas Eve” You eye him seriously, looking for any falter. For any kink in his shining armor.

“You know I fuckin’ love Christmas, so yeah I’m feelin’ it” Bucky starts “The traffic’s gonna be hell, no doubt. I swear everyone forgets how to drive when there’s a little snow on the ground, but I’m wiling to brave it to spend time with our families” That look he gives you, that beautiful one that made you turn to jelly, calms your nerves. Even if it is just for the moment. Your families. Both of yours. You were going to spend the day surrounded by people you loved and that’s all that really mattered. “Plus, I’ve been dyin’ for your aunt’s mashed potatoes since Thanksgiving”

You giggle and slip down, into his arms. Cuddling into his chest.

“Fine, but you’re being the DD” You tease and the protesting scoff he makes in his throat is hilarious.

“That’s not fair!”

-Christmas Eve-

You’re just finishing up getting ready for the night. It’s almost five, the dusk rolling in. Bucky’s been done getting ready for over an hour and sits on your sofa. He knows better then to rush you; bless that man. You were already stressed out about the night and he didn’t want to get chewed out for asking you if you were done with your makeup.

Which you were. Your face was done up, as usual. Your girly ways in full force. Your lashes long(and false, if that’s up your ally), your brows done. Your highlight gleaming and your contour blended. Your hair fell into loose curls that you had a burn on your forefinger to show for. Picking what to wear had been a little tricky, mostly because you were so indecisive and had changed twice much to Bucky’s dismay because “I really liked that red one, doll! Your tit’s looked amazing”

You’d finally landed on an bardot style gray dress that came down to mid-thigh and a pair of black semi-opaque tights underneath it. You wore your most comfortable pair of spanx, not caring about the outline of your belly because you’d rather be comfortable then smooth for the night. You adorn yourself in gold jewelry; dainty midi rings and a pair of hoops.

“Well damn” You hear Bucky approach as your putting on the earrings and you smile wolfishly at his reflection through the mirror.

“You like?”

“Mhmm, very much” His blue eyes drink in your curves “You should see the way your hips looks from here”

You snort and roll your eyes before going to your shoe rack and snatching up a pair of ebony heeled over the knee boots.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, mister” You grin at him from your place on your bed as you tug on the boots. Bucky looks insanely handsome. Not that that wasn’t usual. Fuck, he was always the prettiest person in the room, but the navy sweater that he wears is snug on his broad chest, paired with dark wash jeans and a pair of dapper looking, hide colored Chelsea style boots was really something. He’s trimmed up his beard and slicked his hair back.

“Well I’ve gotta’ keep up with you, don’t I? I cant have you looking all gorgeous and me looking like a scrub. It’s unsightly”

You scoff out a laugh as you stand, wiggling to adjust everything “Like you’ve ever looked like a scrub a day in your life, Bucky”

You then go up to him, smiling, reaching to press your lips peckingly to his, your hands roaming teasingly light over his chest.

“Merry Christmas Eve, baby” You whisper into his mouth.

“Mmm, Merry Christmas Eve, doll” He replies between little kisses, his arm winding around your thick middle “You smell so good tonight”

“Thank you, I think that might be the cookies, but thank you” He chuckles into your mouth and you swallow it greedily, loving the tickle of his beard. The peek of his tongue, poking out to swipe at your bottom lip enticingly-

“We have to head out soon” You press one last kiss to his lips before pulling away, knowing if you let it, it would go to far and you’d just put on lipstick!

“Why'do you gotta’ be the worst tease all the time?” Bucky sighs through his nose, good naturedly and you shrug innocently, telling him that he loved it and not to pout, because frown lines.

You shrieked when he’d grabbed you and pressed your body into the wall, pinning you with his own.

So you guys could be a little late…

After packing up Bucky’s car with the fuck load of presents and food that you guys were bringing to the parties, you start your journey.

Over the river and through the snow…

More like over the Verrazano Bridge and through the hundreds of other cars on the road.

The drive isn’t so bad, all the radio stations seem to be playing Christmas music and you crank it up and belt your lungs out.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need” You attempt(and fail) to resemble Mariah’s sultry voice and Bucky think’s your sexy even when you’re terribly off key as you crook your finger over his cheek, his jaw, and under his chin.

“I just want you for my own, more then you could ever know. Make my wish come true(you both cant help but laugh out loud at the way your voice breaks) All I want for Christmas is you”

The rest of the ride goes a lot like that. You annoying your boyfriend, as usual, and him being totally amused by your antics. Also as usual.

Your childhood home, in Staten Island, is first on the roster.

When he parks down the street because of all of the other parked vehicles you take a deep breath and look to him for reassurance.

“Let’s rock this shit?” You announce and he grins at you like maybe your the sun.

“Definitely, doll”

It’s chaos. Twinkling, red and green colored chaos in your grandmothers house. Your Aunt’s and Uncles, and great Aunts and Uncles and littering cousins and siblings are all in the small space. Your family was big, like crazy big, and they all seemed to be condensed into the house. There’s at least twenty(thirty) people already there and at least half of them are children. Screaming, wild kids. You squeeze Bucky’s hand, because yeah he’d met them before, had survived Thanksgiving, but still…

“They’re here. Y/N and Bucky are here!” Your Aunt Gina, one of many, announces loudly. Her Staten Island native accent thick “Come in, come in! You’re letting all the heat out”

Your family is handsy. That’s just the blunt truth. Touchy and over the top.

She pulls you both in and you balance the platter of cookies inbetween you as she hugs you both tight. Bone cracking tight

“Look at you! Don’t you look pretty, Sal! Sal, doesn’t she look so pretty?!” Her voice is loud in your ear, her hand never heaving your shoulder. That’s how most all of the introductions go as you make your way through the room, snug hugs. Cheek kisses. Bucky even survives your Aunt Ang and her full on mouth kisses. Your only the hot commodity for a moment, another one of your family members showing up soon after. Thank god. You put the presents under the tree with the mountains of others and take off your coats, hanging them in the over flowing coat closet.

The atmosphere is bustling and lively and you can tell the drinks have been flowing.

Everyone was talking over each other. Energy sparking the way it always does at Holliday gatherings. Just barley subdued, the possibilities of arguments high.

You and Bucky make your rounds, making sure to mingle and speak with most everyone just a little before settling down in the kitchen with your sister and a few of your favorite cousins…

All of their eye’s red rimmed.

“You guys are so stoned” Bucky chuckles after a moment of talking to them. It’s met with giggles and jumbled answers and ‘were going to head out back soon if you wanna’ come, man"

“Nah, I’m drivin, or else most definitely I would”

“You down, Y/N?” Your cousin asks next and you shake your head vehemently.

“Hell no, the last time I smoked with you I couldn’t stand for an hour! I was stuck on that couch! Aunt Vicki almost called an ambulance, do you remember that?” The memory brings on rounds of laughter, spurs on even more embarrassing stories. Childhood ones- the teenaged ones were the worse and you blush and as Bucky digs for more, in stiches at stories of your life.

He’s good at this, talking. Being charming and helpful and warm.

Everyone loves him, as they always had and he helps your grandmother serve food. Holds his own with your uncles, doesn’t flinch as your younger cousins hang on him like monkeys, or ask about his prosthetic arm.

“He is so handsome its almost hard to look at him for too long” You’re standing with a group of women, all of them your blood.

You beam proudly “Isn’t he though?”

“How the hell’d you catch a man like that, Y/N?” one of your cattier cousins asks and it stings, yeah, but you shrug it off. Having a big family meant you’d grown up with thick skin. Learned to not take anything to personally early.

“Some men like a woman with a little meat on her bones!” Another of your cousins snaps at her. Another slight wince. It had nothing to do with body types.

“I aint tryin’ to start anything!” Catty cousin defends, lying “I’m just sayin’ he looks like a Calvin Klein model! I mean even Beyoncé married a Jay-Z. Y/N, got lucky! That’s all”

“Hun, you better hold on to that one tight. Suck his dick when he wakes up. Suck his dick when you make him breakfast, suck his dick before he goes to work-” one of your various Aunts gives you her 'relationship motto’

Oh, how you love family gatherings.

“It had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with self respect” You smile, because that’s all you can do. You know that this could easily turn into a fight, and you refused to do that in your grandmothers home. “And auntie, I don’t know if my jaw could handle all that”

“If anything he’s the lucky one” Your sister interjects, her eyes hard at your cousin “Did you tell them about that promotion you got a work? Fucking crazy. She beat out a shit ton'a people for it!”

You swing an arm around her neck and kiss her cheek. You’d always been close, always been each others support.

And that’s how you end up doing shots.

A shot for your promotion.

A shot for your Uncle’s company getting the deal he’d been working on.

A shot for your Aunt remodeling her house?

And finally, one for your mother. May god rest her soul.

Luckily the spread is large enough for you to balance the liquor in your stomach with food. Your left pleasantly tipsy, but not drunk. It takes the edge off of things for the couple of hours that you and Buck spend with your family. He nurses the same beer the whole time, turning down any hard alcohol which you commend him on because you came from a long line of peer pressures. You both make sure not to eat too much, knowing that you had two more meals to go through.

Your family, luckily, decides to open presents early this year. A lot of them working early in the morning, needing to leave before it got too late. It’s a mess of multi colored wrapping paper as the presents are dibbied out and then torn into. You have a small pile infront of you and it makes you happy that your Aunt Gina, your sister and your grandmother had taken the time to get Bucky gifts too(they were your inner family, and had spent more time with him then anyone)

You end up with a pile of makeup, gift cards, home goods a pair of pajamas and socks. Lot’s of socks. That was your families thing. Everyone in the room had been fixed some.

Bucky holds up his own pair of fuzzy socks with a grin.

“You’re a real part of the family now, Bucky!” Your sister teases drunkly, but seriously and you agree with a nod and a kiss you his cheek.

“We’ve accepted you as our own”

You don’t stay long after that, and saying goodbyes is as long and taking as the introductions had been. You hug your grandmother tight, telling her how much you loved her and she pets your hair thanking you for your gift(a large, iron vined framed picture of all of the grandkids) and whispering in your ear that it was her favorite. Your Aunt Gia gives you a “Do ya’ really have to go? Oh, alright. Drive safe, baby. It’s nuts out there!” As you exit out into the bitter December air. The walk to the car sobers you back up real quick.

“We survived” you cheer melodramatically, digging your hands into the pockets of your trench coat for warmth.

“I told you we would be fine!” Bucky chuckles as you slide into his car, he instantly cranks up the heat.

“I don’t know, I almost lost my life back there a few times” you jest playfully as he pulls out into the street “They all love you like crazy, you know that? My cousins want to steal you from me”

“Well it doesn’t surprise me, I’m a lovable guy-” you roll your eyes at him “But I’ve already found the only L/N I want” he takes your hand, holding the wheel one handed and presses a kiss to your knuckles. It makes your chest ache.

“I love you” You tell him, honestly. Wholey.

“'Love you too, dollface- did you really used to sneak guys in through your window?” He chuckles and you shake your head.

“I was sixteen, Buck, shut up”

“I just don’t get how you could even fit 'em through there! That basement Windows like a foot across”

“I was a crafty teenager, okay?”

“Crafty? Or bad?”

“Bad” You confess “Definatley so bad. I gave my mom a run for her money” the end is noted with sadness. Melancholy. Even though your mother had passed years ago, holidays never failed to bring the memory of her to the surface.

Bucky’s been noticing it all night, keeping his tongue in cheek. Not knowing exactly how to comfort you.

“You okay, baby?” He asks and you shake your head and nod, giving him a soft smile. “Of course!”

“Okay…you let me know if you’re not. Okay?” He kisses your hand again, eyes not leaving the road. And you kiss his back. “Okay”

The ride back into the city is a BITCH, and it’s filled with both you and Bucky’s curses. The traffic is ridiculous and it takes over an hour to get to Bucky’s parents house.

“Stupid fuckin’ cocksucker. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you! Learn how to drive!”

Bucky is an it imitating specimen of a man, you don’t blame the guy in the other car for not yelling back.

The duplex that Bucky grew up in is prettily lit up in Christmas lights and he parks in the drive way and you two rush in with arm fills of gifts and food.

Bucky’s family gathering is much smaller then yours had been. More intimate, less chaotic for sure. His mother, Winni greets you at the door. Hugging you both tightly and leading you into the living room where everyone’s gathered. There’s Rebecca, the eldest of Bucky’s sisters and her two sons, his sister Bonnie is helping his dad, George tinker with the TV and Lizzie, the baby of the family, was on the couch with her girlfriend, laughing with Steve and Peggy about something you couldn’t hear.

Of course Steve was there. Why wouldn’t he be? The Barnes had adopted him into the family decades ago. There might not have been the paper work that came with adopting all of their other children, but still.

You chit chat with Winnie about how bad the drive had been and she teases that she was surprised her son hadn’t gotten out of the car and started a brawl, him and his awful case of road rage.

“No, Ma’, I do have a little self restraint. I’m not like Steve here who couldn’t keep his fists to himself to save his life” Bucky pokes fun at his best friend as they do their man-shake half hug thing.

“Merry Christmas, Punk”

You just walk around them to full hug a very pregnant Peggy. Allowing them to Brokeback Mountian with eachother as they always did.

“Help haul me off this thing, would you?” She begs, reaching up and you laugh and help her to her feet. She really was going to pop any day now.

She blows a whisp of dark hair from her eyes “I can’t wait til’ this child is out of me”

“I bet” you sympathize as you embrace Lizzie, who introduces you to her girlfriend “at least you’re a cute pregnant lady”

“Hah!” Peggy deadpans in response.

Steve hugs you tight, and you giggle at the scrape of his beard. Bucky tells Peggy she’s glowing, like the charmer he is. Squeezes from Rebecca and Bonnie come next and George claps both of you on the shoulder, before dragging Bucky off to the garage show him some new car parts he’d gotten in. Georgie, Becca’s oldest trails them and Steve perks up and looks at Peggy longingly.

“Go on” she sighs and he pecks her cheek in thanks before hopping up to follow.

“You can only stay in there until dinners ready!” Winnie hollers behind them “I’m dead serious, if you’re not back in here when this ham comes outta’ the oven I’m dragging you all back in this house by your ears. You hear me!”

Each of them men give her a “yes mam” and you spire to be Winifred Barnes when you grow up.

Being at Bucky’s parents is relaxing, it’s nice and calm and you talk with the women idly. Helping out with dinner here and there, catching up with Bucky’s sisters and Peggy. You end up with Rebecca’s youngest son, Conner, in your lap. As usual. You loved the 5 year old and luckily, that love was reciprocated.

“You happy to see your girlfriend, Con?” Becca teases her son who just glares at her a little. With those signature stormy blue he shared with his mother and Uncle.

“She ain’t my girlfriend, Mommy, she’s Uncle Buck’s!” He corrects her sternly. “Duh”

It earns him laughs and coo’s.

“Uh huh, your right, But don’t duh me, ya hear” Rebecca warns, lightly, before she joins her mom in the kitchen.

“You excited to have one of your own?” Bonnie questions Peggy who rubs her purtruding stomach for a moment.

“Yeah” She nods “I think I’m more excited to be able to drink wine again, though. It’s killing me to watch you all. You have no idea how lucky you are”

“I’ve heard it’s okay for pregnant women to drink a glass of wine a day” Lizzie chimes.

“Uh huh, you try telling Steve that” Peggy rolls her dark eyes.

“He still in crazy over protective papa bear mode?” You wonder, knowingly. He’d been extremely dutiful during the duration of her pregnancy. Highlight extreme.

“Yep” Is all Peggy says, the two of you sharing a look. You spent a good chunk of your time with her, obviously, and she’s become a good friend. She’d vented to you many a time about lumberjack, dad to be Steve who forgot that she was a trained cop.

“Oh my gosh, you just fucking wait Y/N. When you and Bucky start to have kids he’s going to be a thousand times worse” Lizzie giggles “He literally walked me to and from school til’ junior year when I begged him to stop. I can only imagine him as a dad”

Your ears burn at that and you bite your lips together as you try to stay casual. Had you thought about baring Bucky Barnes’ children before? Yes. Many times. But to hear it out loud was something else.

“You and Uncle Buck are gonna’ have babies?” Connor asks you and you almost choke on your spit.

“Maybe one day, buddy, I don’t know” you answer him, honestly, and he mules it over, deep in thought.

“If he sperms you, right?”

Oh hell no.

He says it so confidently and bluntly that you don’t know how to react. His aunts laugh and Peggy bites her fist, her cherry red lips pulled into a grin.

“What? That’s what Toby said! Stop laughing at me!” And you just hug the child’s head to your chest because bless his soul, you knew he was going to get teased about this forever.

You venture out into the cold of the backyard to retrieve the men for dinner, braving the winter air that is specked with little flakes of white. They dizzily swirl from the sky and you take a moment to revel in it. Wrapped in your coat, your tilt your face upwards and breath the frigid air into your lungs. Your still just the tiniest bit tipsy and it feels good to be in the quiet, your cheeks that had been flushed since you’d left your grandmothers welcome the cool night.

That only lasts for a minute or so. You do, after all, have a dress and tights on so you hurry into the garage in order not to turn into an icicle.

Bucky’s under his father’s jacked up, classic Thunderbird, and little Georgie’s handing him tools. Steve and George senior are under the hood and none of them seem to realize you’d walked in. They’re all so animated, chattering excitedly about the car.

“Mhmhm” You cough to make your presence known and three pairs or eyes turn to you, Bucky’s head peeks out at you from under the car “I come as the messenger; Winnie said you all better get your butt’s inside before she has to come out here herself”

George sighs, pushing his glasses up his nose and grumbling that “They’d better get in, that woman doesn’t mess around” before shuffling out of the garage, stopping to squeeze your shoulder fondly before shouting “You better shut that hood real delicately, Steve! And Don’t leave anything loose down there, Buck!” then he’s gone. Little George right after him, tugging on his hand.

“You heard the man” You sass as you lean against the door frame, amused. Watching the two beefy men make sure to leave their father’s car as he’d asked.

Bucky, being Bucky, couldn’t go one day without tinkering with some kind of vehicle and his fingers are mucky, stained black from the underbelly of the Firebird and he had a smear of it on his forehead. You just grin and lick your thumb, ushering him closer so that you can wipe it away fondly. Your grease monkey of a boyfriend.

Dinner is delicious. Too delicious. You stuff your self to the brim with Ham and all the trimmings and sides. Bucky’s family really can cook, you suspect he’d gotten his chef like skills from his mother and father. Peggy eats her body weight in the decadent lasagna and Steve eats so many deviled eggs that he ends up having to pop the button on his jeans. Bucky’s head lulls onto your shoulder after he feasts his way through three heaping plates, barley able to move.

“I don’t know if I can eat anything else for a week” He grumbles into your ear and you pat his cheek.

“Positive thoughts and perseverance, baby” you chime back at him.

The second round of present opening of the night is a happy little affair. Bucky’s mom likes the candle set you’d gotten her(along with the spa appointments to go with them) and his dad is happy for the robe and new foot massager that he could plug into his favorite chair. His sisters are grateful for their gift cards and Bath&Body Works products. Georgie and Connor go to rip open the LEGO sets you and Bucky had gotten for themalmost instantly and Becca hollers for them to clean up their messes.

“Y/N, Bucky, oh my god” Peggy gasps as she unwraps her gift. It’s an set of Ornaments, customized and ornate with her ultrasound pictures encapsulated in each. Steve laughs as he pulls out the Harley Davidson crib mobile from his own box. You and Bucky had worked hard on their gifts and seeing them so happy made both of you beam excitedly.

Each of Bucky’s sister gets you a gift a gift card to Sephora, a LUSH bag full of goodies and from Lizzie your eyes widen as you look into the bag that was labeled “To: Buck & Y/N. Love you lots, Lizzie. Have Fun!”

It’s two boxes, one labeled 'Naughty Dice’ and the other a 'Love is Art: Body Painting Kit’

You try to keep the giddy, nervous giggles at bay and Bucky glares at her “Lizzie!”

“What? I’m just trying to help you keep the romance alive!” She protests innocently “They’re really fun, I promise. I’ve played them myself” She winks an Bucky grimaces and shakes his head, telling his Ma’ that she didn’t want to see what was in the bag when Winnie insisted he show her. Secretly, you were more then a little excited to play with them later.

You spend only an hour or so more with them, digesting and laughing a drinking. Both you and Buck have your fair share of scotch with his father. The Clubhouse wasn’t far from here, and since both Steve and Peggy were staying sober(“If she cant drink, neither can I”) they’d agreed that one of them would drive Bucky’s car for him.

You leave the Barnes household warm and happy. Full and carrying bags of presents and wrapped up left overs that Bucky’s mom insisted you take with you. You decide that you and Peggy would go in her car since she had driven and Steve would drive behind you with Bucky in his. Luckily, you’d happened to park the two cars beside each other so the pack up and arranging wasn’t hard.

You’re drunk. Not shitfaced, or wasted, but drunk. To where the cold doesn’t affect you and you hang on Bucky for longer then necessary, kissing him over and over, sucking on his bottom lip unabashedly. He’s a little drunk himself, so he just clutches you tighter and reciprocates by nipping the side of your mouth.

“Christ, you guys!” Steve laughs, interrupting the two of you “It’s a ten minute drive. He’s not going off to Nam! Let’s go!”

“You’re just jealous” Bucky shoots at him, his arms still wrapped around your waist. His breaths come out in vapor like puffs due to the cold.

“You taking a jab at my relationship, Barnes?” Peggy glares ruefully at him, before she slips into the drivers seat of his car.

“No mam, I don’t have the balls for that” You laugh and separate from him “Don’t let her crash my baby” Bucky teases.

“I am a far better driver then you could ever hope to be!” Peggy hollers at him.

You and Peggy spend the short drive belting out 'Jingle Bell Rock’, you much more animated then her in your inebriated state. She humors you all the same though.

“I love you so much, Peg, you know that?” You tell her earnestly as you pull up to the Clubhouse, the bright lettered sign of “The Tower: Home of the Howling Commando’s” proud and bright on the window outside. Usually, the biker bar full to the brim, the parking lot over flowing, but tonight was a members only night and only familiar cars and bikes were parked out front.

“I love you too, Y/N” Peggy shakes her head with a chuckle as she finds a space, and then unbuckles.

“No seriously, I don’t know how I ever would have adjusted to this whole "Old Lady” thing without you" You continue “Your like my british biker fairy god mother”

And Peggy informs you that she was going to have that etched into her tombstone with a bark out laughter.

The bar is cozy and filled with family. Not blood family, but maybe something even more important then that. The family that Bucky had chosen for himself, the family that had accepted you with open arms. You’d think a biker bar full of big men in leathers would be more ominous, right?

Wrong.

Thor was hurrying out of the kitchen with a tray of piping hot cookies, his brother Loki right behind him hissing about him having burnt them. Bruce is nursing a mug of what you knew wasn’t only hot coco, a dopey smile on his face as he belted out carols with Happy. Tony had a santa hat perched haphazardly on his head and sat with the kids at the smaller kiddy table that had been dragged out, insisting his adoptive son Peter join them. Peter, who insisted he was seventeen and not seven played on his phone, his mom, Pepper next to him subtly taking pictures of her Santa capped husband. Natasha and Sam were cuddled up at that bar with Wanda, Vis and Pietro. Clint’s behind the bar as usual, mixing up wonky looking eggnog cocktails that you knew were probably killer. Pietro reaches across the wood to press a kiss to his knuckles.

It’s a sight, a beautiful one. A magical one and you truly feel lucky to have all these people in your life. You could cry, but you didn’t want to mess up your eye makeup.

“Look who finally decided to join us!” Sam boomed, coming over “We were thinking ya’ll got lost out there in that storm, just bout'a come find you”

“It’s been a long night, bird brain. I told ya’ we’d be a little late” Bucky hugs the man good heartedly “I bet you demolished all the Budwisers already, huh?”

“You snooze you loose, Sarge. All that’s left are the 'Lite’s’” Sam grins.

The atmosphere here is your favorite of the night. Filled with joy, everyone talking to one an other. Enjoying each other. Most comfortable and at peace with each other. There’s many drinks that are drank and many stories told. There’s hugging and god awful singing and the crew of Bikers letting loose like they always did. It was like any other night with them, except with spiked eggnog and Christmas trees. It’s laid back and relaxed and you sit in the circle of Bucky’s arms content, your head resting on his shoulder as you engage in multiple conversations easily.

At the stroke of midnight; you all open gifts. There’s a ton of them, everyone had gotten everyone a little something.

Except for Tony, ever luxurious, who had gotten everyone not so little somethings.

It’s funny, that they give each other everything from sweaters and baking mittens(for Thor), to X-Boxes and nerdy gifts galore, to numerous bike parts. Eclectic, just like they are. You end up with another little pile of gifts; your favorites a glittery gold thermos, furry slippers and that pair of sunglasses that Natasha had seen you ogle at the mall. Peggy and Steve gift you a Harry Potter collectors book kit and you squeal out loud. “Oh my god, I love it!”

And Tony and Pepper give you and Bucky a-

“Holy shit, Tone!” Bucky gasps as you open up the huge present, an 84’ high definition smart TV.

“I thought it would go nice in the living room. You know, with all of the redecorating you’re about to be do-” Bucky cuts him off with glare at the same time that Pepper slaps his chest.

“Redecorating?” You ask, suspicious, looking up at your boyfriend “Why are you redecorating?”

“Don’t worry about it doll” Bucky murmurs, easily distracting you with that dimpled smile You let it drop, but you don’t forget it. You gnaw on it the rest of the night, silently. Laughing and having a good time with your friends but still thinking about it in the back of your head.

It’s a little after two when you and Bucky drag yourselves and the piles of gifts up to his apartment, above the bar.

“We made it” He smiles at you as you yank off your uncomfortable heeled boots and plop onto his sofa with a groan.

“I’m so tired” You wine. So tired and drunk and full. You honestly just wanted to crawl into Bucky’s bed and crash but he reminded you that you had yet to exchange presents with each other.

“Oh yeah!”

You gaze at his little tree, and the gifts that lay under them. You’d wanted it to be more intimate, just you and him for these.

“Can we go get changed first? I think these spanx are cutting off the circulation to my brain” You announce and he snorts and tells you of course. You end up in your panties and one of Bucky’s giant shirts that fit even your curvy body loosely. It didn’t go down to your knees or anything, and he could see your ass cheeks peek out from the bottom of it but it was comfy and soft and smelled like him. The two of you make yourselves comfortable on the floor infront of the lit tree, sitting criss cross opposite of eachother.

Bucky hands you the gifts he’s gotten you, and he’s not going to lie; he went a little crazy on you this year. Wanting to spoil the ever loving shit out of his girl. There’s big boxes and small boxes and bags. About ten or more of them and you grin and blush as he gives them to you. You then hand him his own, there were a few less, but then again you’d dropped a pretty penny on some of them so it made up for it. Not that he cared, about the amount. At all. He just felt special enough that the two of you were here, together.

“Ready?” He grins at you and you nod eagerly, biting your lip. “How do you wanna do this? One after the other? Or let’s just go crazy?”

“One after the other!” You insist “I want to see your reactions!”

And so that’s what you do. You open one, and then he does.

You go first one of the bigger boxes; a Michael Kors bag that you had been dying over for months.

“Baby!” You smile. “I love it”

“It cost a car payment” He teases and you pout “But that’s okay, I’m happy you like it”

Then him. He goes for one of the boxes too-

“What the fuck!”

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah I like it, Y/N, oh my god” He looks at the new iPad with shocked eyes. He’d been complaining about needing an updated one, that he needed it to manage the garage better.

You: A collection of Mac lipsticks

Him: A nice, antique-esque shaving kit

You: A huge fuzzy blanket to add to your collection

Him: A new pair of riding sunglasses and gloves. Stylish ones, dark leather.

You hold up the striped pink Victoria’s secret bag “Is this for me or you, huh?”

“Let’s just say they’re for the both of us” Bucky grins and you dig through the lacy panties and bras that he’d bought. All in your size, when he’d asked your breast size you’d known this was why. They’re pretty, right up your alley cause he knows what you like. Blacks and creams, eyelash lace and delicate bows. You hold up one set though, that’s bright red and eye catching.

“That one’s definitely for me though” He licks his lips and you smirk at him.

He’s gone to all of your favorite stores; LUSH, Sephora, Target. He’d even made a trip to that little metaphysical store in SOHO, the witchy one you liked so much and gotten you crystals. You loved every gift you opened, because you could tell he’d really thought about you with each.

He’s more then surprised at what you get him; the parts for that Harley he was building from the ground up. Expensive, rare ones that he knew had to have been a bitch to hunt down. He gawks at you.

“Steve helped” You giggle. You’d got him his favorite cologne, and a couple records because he was old fashioned and he could add them to his collection. You’d taken the time to go to a nice lingerie store, one that specialized in plus sizes, and had purchased a striking, red bustier set with a matching barley there lace thong and garters. You knew it was his favorite color on you.

Bucky groans and fingers the fabric as he looks it over “I think this one’s my favorite, doll”

“Shut up!” You giggle, ushering him to open your last gift. You chew on your lip, hoping he liked it as you watch him unwrap and unbox it.

Bucky was very attached to his tattered leather riding jacket. He’d had it for years, and you weren’t sure that getting him a new one had been a good idea, but when you’d seen it you’d just had to order it. It looked just like his lucky one, except new, not falling apart.

“Where did you get this?” He wonders as his eyes trail over it.

“A website from this little boutique in Manhattan”

He cant believe it…it’s almost identical to the one he’d had since his early twenties he stands so that he can shrug into it, nearly gasping at the fit.

How in the hell?…

“Do you like it?” You whisper up at him as he stares down at you.

“I fuckin’ love it Y/N! Holy shit” He rolls his shoulders, amazed. You beam and stand up too.

“There’s another little thing” You feel the most nervous for this as you pull on his let arm, cuffing the leather so that the inside revealed a little trinket dangling from the inside of the sleeve. It’s a gold and heartshaped, almost like a tiny locket and as he raised his arm to inspect it he see’s both of your initials engraved into it.

“Remember how on that first date we went on, you told me you wear your heart on your sleeve?” Your words are barley above a whisper as your big, doll like eyes, gaze up at him. The knot in his throat has him nearly panting as he rests his forehead against your own.

“I love you so goddamn much” He says, his breath fanning out across your face and you bask in his praise, his knuckles gently rasp against your cheek and you feel like you might burst. Or melt. One of the two. You stay like that for a moment before he pulls back.

“I’ve got one more for you” He tells you, reaching into the drawer of the table and pulling out a small box.

Your stomach does knots. Your mind goes haywire

That’s a jewelry box, no doubt. He hands it to you and you just stare at it blankly for a moment.

“Well open it, Y/N” He laughs and you exhale a shaky breath and do as he says.

The ring inside of it is gorgeous, a small little oval diamond, encased by opal stones on a simple white gold band, your eyes snap up to his in alarm.

“It’s not an engagement ring” He reassures fast and you untense- just a little as he slides it onto your left ring finger “It’s a promise ring, because I know we’ve only been together nine months, but they’ve been the best of my life. As fuckin’ cheesy as that sounds. I know that one day, your the woman I’m going to marry. I don’t want anyone else, ever again. And so I vow myself to you with this. I’m only loyal to you, baby. I’m only yours, I got myself one too”

Why are you crying? You cant stop the tears that roll down your cheeks. You feel overwhelmed, so loved. In a way that you’d never experienced before him.

“These are happy tears I hope” He laughs, nervously, catching the moisture with his thumb.

“Yes, fuck yes. They’re happy, baby. I’m so happy” You croon as you finally pull yourself together enough to throw your arms around his neck and press kiss after kiss to his lips. His cheeks, his chin, his nose. Anywhere you can reach. He giggles and leans into the onslaught of kisses.

“Wait, there’s more”

“More?” You ask. What more? How? He pulls up the lapel to the box to reveal a key. You take it out and inspect it, your eyebrows knitted together and your eyes calculating.

“It’s to here” Bucky clarifies “To this apartment” you still don’t understand so he goes on “I know your lease is up in January and I figured…Y/N, do you want to move in here with me? I know it’s not the Taj Mahal or anything, but I thought we could redecorate. Make it feel like your space too, you know? So that you don’t just feel like a guest…I want to share this with you. I want to share a home with you, because I fuckin’ hate waking up with out you. I know were probably going to irritate the shit outta’ eachother, but I don’t care. I want to live with you”

Crying. You’re crying again and you wordlessly jump back into his arms, and he stumbles a little bit, but catches you none the less, like he always does. Like he always will.

“Yes, yes” You manage to get out between tears and he just holds you tight, grinning like a mad man. Like someone who’d just won the lottery.

“Merry Christmas, baby doll”

A Merry Christmas it was, indeed.

Wow this was long and so fluff filled I’m almost feeling sick to my stomach. Little blurbs and background facts from the story:

-Bucky is adopted, Rebecca is is biological sister but the Barnes adopted all of their children.

-Clint and Laura are divorced but still get along and are close friends and he and Pietro are in a relationship.

-Tony and Pepper adopted Peter when he was a few years back after Aunt May passed

-Bucky owns both the bar, the above apartment and the garage that’s attached to it.

I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’m really thinking about developing this into a full length story, what do you guys think? Leave me some feedback! I love reading your comments, I love connecting with you all on here.

[olga-eulalia]

Fic dump! As in I’m dumping you, fic! Bye. #improvingmylife

Unbeta’d Pre-S1 Prostitute!Silver/Patron!Flint PWP. 2500 words. Warnings: Non-native speaker writing here. Explicit content. Weird content. Money & Masturbation. No plot. Unfinished.

Except for the ink staining his fingers, his body was clean, his sweat crisp. A whiff of battle, of smoke and metal, sometimes lingered in the thick of his hair and in the folds of his clothing. He was wont to kiss Silver sweetly on the side of his neck where it was most tender and cradle his body with gentle hands as if it were a fragile parcel. Yet he fucked deep and hard, and knew how to make Silver come on his dick.

Flint was the one patron Silver would not part with without protest.

Once or twice, gingerly removing his legs from Flint's shoulders, Silver, in an addled state, had entertained fancies of recompense. He might be getting paid for providing a service and whether he was attracted to his client or not ought to have no influence on his performance, but if Flint somehow managed to make him excited just at the thought of him, and not only because he could make a kiss on the mouth be as effective as a hand down Silver’s silk trousers, if Silver’s breaths came a little faster at the mere sight of his favourite, returned from the sea, mounting the stairs with one hand on the hilt of his sword, eyes tempting like a dare while he took each step with strategic deliberation, surely that was not something to be taken for granted?

On the bed, jostled into the space between Silver’s bare thighs, Flint held another doubloon up to the light and then placed it on Silver's belly so that it kissed the upper arch of the navel from above. He watched it lie there for a moment, watched it rise and fall in the rhythm of Silver’s quickened breaths, before he added another one of its kind to it, and then another, making the potential reward a rather generous one already and making it, in turn, very difficult for Silver who had to slow down his measured strokes even further in order to contain his excitement.

"Think you can reach that?" Flint peered at him, fingertips glancing over his latest addition.

Against the red backdrop of Silver’s bed, his features were of a mind-boggling brilliance as sunset fell on them through a sliver in the curtain, changing the colour of his eyes into a vivid sea-green and turning his beard bright orange, his lips pale pink. Freckles crowded on his arms, were scattered across his chest, but gradually decreased in volume the further down his body tapered to his white underpants where the skin was soft and tender and kisses made him groan, where the shape of his hard dick, gorgeous and hefty like the rest of him, now pushed against the linen.

“Certainly," Silver answered, pointedly serene, snaking a leg around Flint’s waist while he eyed the coins on his abdomen to make sure they did not dislodge themselves during his attempt to pull Flint closer. One of them was about to slip off already. "If you fucked me, however--"

Flint lifted a stern eyebrow at him.

Silver dropped his leg and his head back into the sheets and sighed, providing a bit of a show.

An exercise in patience was nothing new, after all. Even with Flint primed and ready from the first kiss, as he usually was, it seemed impossible to accelerate the progress of events, and as long as Silver’s attempts at steering them according to his will kept misfiring, their trysts would always remain a source of frustration for him.

As a meagre consolation, Flint gave him two more gold pieces to attain to, placing the second in the centre of his chest. "How about this one? You think you can reach it?” A hint of wiliness twinkled in his eyes, twitched in the pointy ends of his mustache. Distracted by such roguish charm, one could easily forget that all those shiny coins had been raked in by means of violence and coercion.

"Please," Silver said, aiming for nonchalance, but missing by a considerable margin.

He put one hand between his legs, two fingertips to his taint and nudged them in. Habit almost made him reach further down and give himself something to writhe down onto, which would have been disastrous; would have not only broken the agreement he had with Flint, but also ruined over a week’s worth of monumental restraint, when it was the promise of having it done for him good and proper that had made him so well-behaved in the first place.

Flint guided Silver’s thighs further apart, holding him open to his gaze, eager to see. “Fuck,” he said, readjusting his grip a tad crudely. “There’s not an inch of you that’s not pretty.” Without taking his eyes off Silver, he loosened the drawstring on his underpants and reached inside, knuckles straining against the fabric as he soothed himself. His jaw worked as though he was going to alter his plans after all and suck cock until Silver was a begging, incoherent mess.

It wouldn’t be the worst of outcomes, really. Silver, at his most attentive, held his breath.

“You’ve been waiting for me?” Flint asked.

“Yes,” Silver breathed out.

Not having to lie was quite something. Excitement at the prospect of Flint sinking into him, filling him, heavy and thick, and fucking him open had his nipples perking up, his cockhead blurting out drops of precome with every tug and twist of his hand so that his palm produced a delicate, slick noise sliding up and down on his dick.

“Spent all week without letting anyone touch you--” Flint was relentless now, smoothing a hand down into the crook of Silver’s groin, running a fingertip over Silver’s knuckles and coaxing Silver’s fingertips to his tight little sphincter. “Where you need it most.”

A pulse of pure want swept through Silver when, lashes lifting, Flint locked eyes with him as he continued to probe for the truth. “Next time, you’re going to let me watch you stretch yourself open. Let me see how you try to stuff yourself with those gorgeously thick fingers of yours. Do you know how many you can take?”

Silver licked his dry lips. “Four, I think.”

Flint made a rumbly noise deep down in his throat. “I think you should try to take one more.” Eyes glinting, he leaned over Silver like something dangerous lowering itself to feed, filling Silver’s field of vision, his senses, with the sumptuous, dramatic delights of him. “Or would you want me to try for you?”

There was a lump in Silver’s throat that he could hardly swallow past. His breaths sounded harsh and shivery  to his ears as he kept jerking himself wetly with his legs spread open wide on Flint’s thighs.

In his line of work, he had done a lot of stuff, stuff that would make even a hardened pirate blush just hearing about it, so he couldn’t really say why this affected him so much or what about the situation had him so ready to shoot his load all of a sudden that speech was difficult, his tongue chasing fragments of words like crumbs around his mouth. If only there wasn’t space yet for one more doubloon at the top of his chest. If only he didn’t know exactly that Flint would give it to him if he kept going just a little longer.

Of all his clients, it was this man who agitated him the most, because he furthered the possibility of a life in which Silver’s future was not under the lock and key of someone else’s schemes like no other. With this much additional income laid out on his body, with it shimmering on his skin like sunken treasure or fool’s gold in a brook, Silver’s mind was awash in the glow of its potential. If only he could speed up the actualization of his plans.

“No,” he told Flint. “I want to try. While you watch.”

Flint looked pained somehow and pushed himself upright, taking up his former position, scrutinizing Silver. “What else would you try for me?”

A keen shock of pleasure jolted Silver’s body as the first of many ideas poured in. Monosyllabic Flint, who chose to lie back and say things like mount, waiting for Silver to swing his leg over, was much easier to deal with.

“How long would you keep yourself in such an agonizing state just to have this?” Flint asked, holding up the last doubloon between finger and thumb, mesmerizing Silver, who squirmed inside his skin and gasped wordlessly, with its gleam.

It seemed to take forever until he resolved the suspended moment and used the coin to complete the line that ran straight from Silver’s groin up to his throat. But finally, it came to rest cold on feverish skin.

Silver’s eyes rolled back in his head as the inevitability of his release pulled at his tendons like a cramp, gathered on the tip of his tongue behind his teeth. After one last thought in which he remembered to aim properly, he was gone, disappearing to that place inside his mind where it was quiet and peaceful, where he found bliss warming him through and through, and he was floating weightless, even as his climax wrenched at his core, forced his mouth open around a loud noise, and then ebbed, ever so abruptly.

Emerging from that state felt a bit like waking up in a foreign place. It took a long time to get reacquainted with the colours of the room, which were greying now, the sounds and the sweet, spicy smell of the brothel, the feel of his own limbs. Loss of tension let him sprawl like an ocean creature stranded by the tide. He wiggled his toes.

Above him, Flint was holding himself up with one arm. "I must say I’m impressed,” he said and gave Silver a small, but fetching, wink.

The coins, as they were being collected and set aside, sounded merry, sliding against one another. Silver wondered whether he’d truly earned all of them and reached for his neck, but Flint snatched his hand and calmed it with a kiss to its back. He had that look on his face, the one that had accumulated bit by bit. The one that softened his whole demeanour.

When Silver had first come to know the man, he couldn’t have guessed at its existence, finding him brusque and of a highly sceptical nature. But Silver knew a business opportunity when he saw one and rumour-laden Captain Flint had been well worth the effort.

Though Flint had been close to turning on his heel and walking out of Silver’s room even after it’d taken a month of intricate planning to get him there, he had then revealed himself determined to make the experience a pleasant one; a little bit rusty in responding to Silver’s advances, a little bit rough when he took Silver at first, filling him with a couple of impatient thrusts, but soon moving them like a dream, his strokes long and confident up to the finish, his kisses full of passion and appreciative little groans.

“You know what I like,” Silver said, letting a lazy smirk pull at his mouth.

Flint’s face twitched.

They had always been honest with each other about the nature of their arrangement and Flint, especially, had always seemed very pleased by the absence of any illusions, which was why Silver had used the demystification of his work as a handy tool and never been hesitant to mention his love of coin, but seeing Flint’s eyes now so mirthless in response made something dissatisfied squirm inside of him, urging him to amend his statement somehow.

With a hand on the back of his neck, Flint let himself be pulled down easily enough, but he evaded Silver’s seeking mouth by bending to taste the underside of his chin instead, nipping at the skin there, running his tongue across the stubble, his beard a not unwelcome caress as he placed kisses all the way to the dip at the base of Silver’s throat, licking Silver clean in the process. Silver, with his reasoning still reassembling itself, could not deny that Flint’s hand stroking down his side sparked exhilaration along the way and that being measured by its great span made him feel utterly claimed. And when that touch swept over the curve of his ass and lifted him off the bed so that Flint could fill his hand with one plump cheek and their bodies came sliding together with the smooth caress of skin on skin, he sighed contentedly, all remorse forgotten.

Flint interrupted his exploration and lifted his head. His face was flushed, his eyes glazed with lust. A couple of strands of his hair had sprung loose from their leather string and Silver, stifling his amusement at the sight, brushed them back with his hands, cradling the skull tenderly. Finally, he thought, teasing Flint’s hard-on with the slow drag of his hips. After all, Flint was paying for the privilege to be the only one to enjoy him that particular way, and not too little either since everyone was intrigued by what greater men desired but they themselves could not possess.

“I want to put my mouth on you,” Flint rasped, his fingers slipping down into the cleft between Silver’s buttocks. “Yeah?”  

Silver sucked in a breath, not expecting his cock to firm up again so soon. “By all means,” he said, dizzied by how fast he was then put onto his stomach and given a pillow to squish. 

When it came to parting with information, however, Flint was less generous. His commentary on the very latest was entertaining, but mostly scathing, as though he was reluctant to sound well-disposed towards anyone lest someone should accuse him of having a heart. So one could mainly tell how important a topic was to him by how much it strained him to keep his thoughts to himself and how dear someone was to him by how unhappy it made him to hear them mentioned unfavourably in gossip.

"I've got my eye on a prize that might prove a bit of a challenge," Flint had said.

Silver's ears had pricked up. He’d masked his interest with a saucy remark, but that sort of coquetry rarely gained any approval from Flint.

Standing in front of the cabinet, pouring a drink, watching it run into the cup like the clearest water, he considered the options available to him. He could offer to find a captain more suitable to the task and by doing so inflame Flint’s competitiveness splendidly, no doubt. Or he could offer reassurance by saying that most pirates on the island were only alive because they chose easy pickings whereas Flint’s skills were truly exceptional and that someone of his calibre had nothing to worry about. He could also choose to take a slightly more subtle approach and talk about the time he’d seen a fistfight break out after someone had insulted Flint's competence as a captain, use that opportunity to put his own thoughts on the tongues of strangers to find out what exactly such an experienced mariner deemed challenging. This could be the day he coaxed a lucrative lead out of one of the most tight-lipped of clients.

But he did none of these things and instead wondered aloud, "Why not take some other prize, then?"

"I’m afraid that, too, lies beyond choice,” Flint said.

It occurred to Silver that, while he was still barred from being a confidant, any worry that filtered through in Flint’s tone of voice would have to remain assuaged superficially. Sliding the bottle back onto the cherrywood shelf, he paused for a second before he corked it. Then he turned and slowly, on wobbly legs, crossed the room.

Flint, waiting for him on the edge of the bed, took the offered drink and downed a couple of swigs before he wetted a cloth with which he wiped at his beard. He was quiet, contemplative. But his gaze, flashing like crystal from beneath the heavy fringe of his eyelashes, travelled over Silver’s naked body in a manner that said his thirst was far from slaked.

Silver eased himself onto Flint’s lap.

Putting his head back, Flint studied him with unconcealed curiosity. His expression was open, wondering. His lips were parted, kissable. “You’re really not going to ask me about it?”

Silver considered his next words, the heart suddenly jumping in his chest.

[random0gener8r]

August 21, 2017 Obviously, all of my feeling come from my perspective and so have nothing to really do with him. That was what I was trying to spare him from by not communicating. Next time, I’ll communicate that. It’s clear and concise with no emotional tones or spillover. Yes, I indulged my humanity. Yes, I reveled in my story. Yes, I chose pain due to fear. And that’s okay. I let my stories envelope me. I allowed them to whisper in my mind. I chose to play the game. Because I had a question and wanted an answer. I wanted my spiritual test. It started with an innocent viewing of a half million dollar home. I swear, it was 90% for the Center for Life Exploration. You don’t understand the vision I have. Hell, I don’t. I have an overview; with the Spiritual Center being the clearest at the moment as I’ve put the most focus into envisioning it. Point – I was trying to bring vision into reality, find out the questions and answers I’d need to think and learn about, while seeing what half a million could buy, the potentiality of lots, and enjoying looking at great big beautiful and yet completely wasteful unless shared, opened, and used to the benefit of the community, I mean WWWEEEEEEEEEEE! Fun stuff. But at a level I’m not ready for. Not even close. There is no magic spell. No inherent knowledge. You have to experience it. That’s the class system – at what level of monetary creation you have been exposed to. Rich people get to skip all the steps below. That’s what’s bullshit. And I’m not saying every one of them. I don’t know any to truly hold any judgement on the matter. You don’t see them around, though, if you get what I mean. I liked the people I met at the Ventana Staycation. I had a great time. It’s too bad none reached back out to me. Anyway, you, my dear, have to experience it for yourself. Take an idea and make it happen from the ground up. That’s what you’ve never done. The novel was too lonely. I didn’t have anyone to talk with it about. So, that’s what happened. I changed, not to my great pleasure, from wanting to be alone, do everything by myself, to wanting to share the process of creation. The lack of completion to date can be viewed not as failure to finish things you start (which really, there aren’t that many, jobs not included, ‘cuz I’m batting maybe 50-50 in that arena). I thought there was something wrong with me, with my abilities, but they were simply forcing me forward, as slow as I was to catch on. Now, I’m in FUN World. Where I remember it’s just a game that I’m playing against myself, with everyone around me having their part to play. It is my choice in how I want to perceive any encounter. I do bond too quickly for most people. I can’t help it. The more you know, the more interesting it is. But that’s me. I can see how that could come off as rather needy. I don’t know. I’ve never asked. Intense. Perhaps that’s a better word. Squirrel – Dipping down into full humanity is how I play my game. I can’t stay in FUN World forever yet. Don’t know that I’d want to. It down here in the aware emotions of pain and suffering that I find my truth reaffirmed. It is where I find my signposts and tests of my beliefs, ethics and morality come into play. That is the real battle takes place – between you and yourself and how much of your ideology, morality and ethics, and beliefs are you willing to violate to get what you want, to make the world conform to your desires – which are absolutely no more important or better, right, good, or than anyone else’s . However a person derives their code, those sets of experiences and choices is their ultimate right of choice (and from the highest level the experience you or I would have chosen had we experienced/lived that person’s life. We all really are doing what we were meant to do, the pain and suffering and need to make other people and this world bend to our will to spread our perspective like a virus (what every groups of individual people is wont to do by the way). Not one perspective is better or worse. It’s all a personal preference. Personal desire to create what we want, that which makes us most comfortable (the question then, to what expense? 1 person, 10, a million, the world?) How many perspectives must you assimilate until you feel safe enough? Life isn’t supposed to be safe. Death is inevitable. Yes, none of us want to lose our loved ones. Most are terrified of what comes next. Some preferences make some social situations less applicable to their perceived well-being. Those are the foundation of a person’s core personality or being. Everyone has a “right” and a “wrong” division. Those that don’t are mentally ill. Everyone else is on a spectrum. It’s time to regroup. That’s all. And redistribute. It will be okay. We promise not to rip your heads off, drink your blood, sing songs of hatred and abuse and curse you to whatever scares you the most, which is actually having to give a shit about our perspectives. You know they exist but you just don’t care because you’re thinking on global levels – well, you fucked that up as well. You are bad at your jobs. You are fired. But that has swerved in a political direction so, let’s move on from that. This could take a minute.  Section from AUG 17 ESSAY written today (Aug 17 section) In the dream, I was hanging with a couple, noting going on; they were kind to me, I had use of all of their facilities, but I didn’t consider that beyond an off-road vehicle that I would like to try. Point – we were cool, and so I wanted to make them breakfast, but suddenly everything went crazy. They left to do what they did out of the house, and I was preparing to leave, I was anticipating packing my car, and yet, making them individualized breakfasts, I guess as going away gift – then everything went wrong. The house hated me. A mattress hated me. I tried to banish it but the overall power of the house was to strong. There was no way I could win. And it just kept taking things from me. My parents. I couldn’t reach my cat. My clothes. The breakfast. My car. I couldn’t escape in the one thing I could always count on. (BTW my tire indicator came on today, FYI, I’d been thinking about it, but today, of all days. I mean, it was due, but really!!!!!) (Aug 21) And the wall tried to suck me in to eat me. The walls, floors, streets were twisted and roiling. Trapped in my car, viewed as through the lens of a Monet painting, I don’t know, the Starry Night guy with the comet, was that Picasso? (How sad, but you know who I mean so communication completed! Yeah for me!) Unable to escape, all of my possessions eaten by the wall, a curse placed on me, and my car turned into the mirrored innards of an eight sided die, I was tossed about, all control gone flipping and flopping against the hard glass, no longer in a painting but all hard iron and glass. And I awoke. And I knew I’d failed my spiritual test. My desire to force a favorable outcome goes against my code – gifts only. And I’d tried so hard, I mean, I really put my spiritual back into it. I have expended energy like that longer than I can remember. I really crossed my code – my moral, ethical and belief/spiritual choices that define my personal and only applicable to me, set of absolute judgements of right/wrong, good/bad, acceptance/fear. All ultimate dualities. And as I was looking for a test, there ya go, I got one, and I failed, but I apologized sincerely, yet was still mad ‘cuz it was only 10% about me, a girls gotta live, and not off her parents. I thought it was reasonable. I was wrong. Unable to leave it that way, I took a nap and I was rolled out into a nice world and all was forgiven, but that was their/my higher-self dimension, not down here in the mud, so I got pissed, both meanings. I cursed them back for their miserliness. I thought death thoughts. Then I had some cannasand and talked to Paul. And he cared. And that was all I needed. Just one. The next night was a fabulous dream of flying and reality jumping and enjoying the situation which was fun. So I knew that I had passed the following test to see if I’d actually learned anything. As Paul said, “there is always another test”. I don’t like wasting my time. So I took that experience along with Paul’s creating his own Meetup group as an inspiration to do what it takes to create the reality you want through forward motion, to set a date for the first Center for Spiritual Exploration (from her on out aka CSE) meeting. I was looking forward to sharing it and inviting him to help me out by participating, when the whole camping and movie meetup and having his daughter, situation occurred. I was curious to see how much of the Four Agreements he could apply to the situation. He used the word assume, so it shows awareness of his logical state which is effected by the emotional, and it was what it was. So, I’ve been binge watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and as Paul and I are restoring communicational clarity, and Nina the neighbor in Unit 5 came over to introduce herself, Kimmy goes to church and the pastor’s name is Denise. Yes, I know that the use of my name is on the rise. So, as I’ve been having revelations and positive communications, I get a signpost/note/”hey”, a confirmation of the application of experiences with personal positive outcomes in a way that didn’t transgress my Code. It felt like a congratulatory, “you’ll get there, you’re on your ‘really cool’ path.” Not perfect, never perfect as goal, or you lose all chance of spontaneous authenticity; strive for your best each and every day, whatever that may look like that day. Lazy language allows more miscommunications. No amount of communal agreement can make you “right” when you go against Your Own Code.

[knightofbalance-13]

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/159435864121/context-for-the-not-going-to-elaborate-on-side-or#notes

I can’t believe it’s come to this but I must tackle MULTIPLE people at the same time.

Get ready everyone, this is gonna be a rough one.

From the OP, we have the following:

Miles and kerry stated that because of the tumblr fandom disliking the jaune arc they aren’t going to do arcs for other characters. Which when writing a story heavy series and trying to make it sound smart and well written is not an excuse.

Considering the fact that Ren and Nora, Weiss, Blake and Yang all had an arc, I have to assume that was a joke they made that you took out of context. maybe if I had a link or source to see for myself and be proven wrong otherwise but nope, no source I’ll just make my own assumptions.

So jaune a side character got little establishment and barely even stuck to it. (note the “This is all I ever wanted to be.” Yet neglected all study portions) and the actual 4 main characters of team rwby get no arcs cause people complained about jaune.

I saw Jaune slack off once in the entire series. That is it. And in that very same scene, Nora and Pyrrha were slacking off as well so it’s not just jaune. And consider the fact that Jaune in Volume 4 is constantly training as shown in Episode 2 of Volume 4 that is obviously not true that he hasn’t stuck to his character.

Also: Jaune is a main character. It has been confirmed by Monty himself that Jaune and his team are main characters. This is a GOOD thing as this means there is at least two male main characters in a female eccentric show meaning RWBY is officially putting in more effort to actually be progressive than most so called “progressive” shows.

And again: Weiss, Blake and Yang had arcs in this very volume so again, this seems like you’re just ignoring whatever you want to justify your hate to Miles, which puts your entire criticism at risk.

“You wanna elaborate on how ruby’s a tactician?”  Miles: “Nope.”

Midn providing a link? Because otherwise, I can point out that RWBY devised the plan to kill the Nevermore in EPisode 8 so Miles SHOULDN’T need to point out the obvious to you. This isn’t Evangelion where symbolism and insanity runs rampant so there’s no excuse to miss points like this.

Lesser writers of a lower station than RT would be flayed alive if they gave that response.

I highly doubt that. That would just be looked over and ignored: you’re just being ind of nitpicky.

And insert a lazy gif here and that’s it for Sokumo. Result- Poorly made, relying entirely on the rwde audience having  lot of hate for Miles.

Next up we have Sageyanna to tackle. Luckily this is pretty short.

Writers outside RT could be flayed alive because they dont get the Cultish RT Fandom Protection™ that MKG get.

Considering the fact that so many in the rwde tag twist their critics words to make them seem like the bad guys when they aren’t agreeing with them (myself discluded for obvious reasons) and you yourself have said that black people who don’t agree with you are coons as @mageknight14  can attest, your group has a much more cultish attitude than the main fandom which has evolved beyond that.

And that’s it. Result- Hypocritical.

Next up is someone named Xenodweeb...Yeah, the name doesn’t make sense to me either.

Like seriously, if Konami did this shit, you’d get like 10 #FucKonami News bits from Jim Sterling out of it and they’d feel the wrath of a dozen salty communities.

And Konami has about 100x the fanbase of RT so that just tells me that the rwde tag is toxic enough to account for 12 communities.

However, just because Takeshi0′s circle co-opted the fandom, all of this is suddenly above criticism and doing so makes you a “troggled pro-censorship SJW cuck.”

... All this tells me is that you have a personal grudge against @takashi0 and that you don’t understand that the fandom as a whole is pretty accepting of criticism. Also, rwde has had some very strong Radical Social Jsutice views in it to the point that they kind of mirror actual misogyny just in reverse, blaming guys for everything. As in, I hardly hear criticism about females in rwde. so he might have a point there. Dunno what a “cuck” means.

Result- bias accusation and fundamental misunderstanding of fanbase size.

like people already pointed out that jaune’s had too much screentime to miles. it was like during volume 2 or something, and miles and kerry said theyd work on that. lol no work happened and jaune ended up being the “And Knuckles” of the show and now theyre getting pissed because fans dont like it?????? miles and kerry need to hire some different writers

But they have. Jaune was written down to being a support character for Pyrrha in Volume 3 and has been written down as a support character for Ruby in Volume 4. He hasn’t had the focus of Volume 1 or even 2 in a long time.

And considering Miles and Kerry are the ones who made RWBY alomgside Monty and you demand they step down before they’re ready, that’s akin to demanding Burnie step down from RvB before his time: It’ll do nothing but damage.

Result- Ignorance of acknowledged and fixed flaws.

Next up we have Sageyanna in his new URL. Fantastic.

More like RWBY ended up being the &Knuckles. Jaune & RWBY.

In Volume 4, The amount of focus the main characters got are as follows: Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Oscar, Ren and Nora, Yang, Jaune. Jaune, unlike even Yang, had barely any focus on himself: it was all used to develop Ruby, it was all Ruby’s focus using Jaune as a tool. That is fundamentally wrong.

And the problem is that THEY are the writers. And both have high RT positions and several dozens of layers of Cultish RT Fandom Protection.

No, the problem is that all of you have shown yourselves untrustworthy as you bully and harass people without end be it the writers or the fandom. You will call anyone who defends the a cultish, basically demanding everyone change around you instead of changing yourself. If you could just stop insulting Miles and Kerry and the fandom then people will actually listen.

Unless they REALLY fuck up (and I am talking about a literal catastrophe here, because RT have really low standards for this kind of shit), they wont move. Ever. Probably not even get a reprimand.

You said “Jaune is getting too much screentime” they gave him less screentime, you said they ignored you. It’s pretty obvious why they aren’t listening to you: you have proven yourselves unworthy of paying attention. Only I, someone with almost no self worth, listen to you and even tehn it’d to try and cork your hole. All it takes is some respect and restraint to be worthy of listening.

If shit didnt change when Shane’s letter happened, I cant think of a thing that will make RT stop hiding behind their massive apologist cult fandom. Again.

That’s because Shane was depressed and his letter was obviously biased as he wrote up entire pages of things that had no relation to RT outside of getting sympathy. And instead of getting him to the hospitial, people in your community used his depression to attack RT, going as far as to use MONTY against them. Honestly, they’re only as much of a cult as you are. Perhaps try being nicer.

Result- Hypocrisy and name calling.

And finally we have Dudeblade.

I signed on to watch four kickass girls fighting monsters. Not some badly-written attention whore who apparently isn’t morally obligated to send Pyrrha’s stuff to her parents because Creator’s Pet™.

*Lets out a frustrated sigh* If Jaune was a creator’s pet then his entire purprose in Volumes 3 and 4 wouldn’t be building up other characters. His strategies wouldn’t be used as jokes, eh wouldn’t fail at every corner, eh wouldn’t get crocthed shotted, he wouldn’t be outted as the elader of his team to Ruby, he wouldn’t get the rape face from Tyrian, eh wouldn't get glared at by everyone for calling out Qorw, he would attribute what little character development he had to Ruby and his upgrade wouldn’t result in him getting bitchslapped..

Jaune is not the main focus: he never was and he certainly isn’t now. I don’t now why you insist in it so: eventually the writers will give up and actually do it then what will you do? You’re complaints will have actually damamged the show and the writers all because you can’t understand that a female eccentric show can have a strong male cast.

Final Result: Very skewed Perspectives and massive hypocrisy.

Advice: Calm down and think or try being kinder or just stop.

[theday]

Those feelings are perfectly valid. It doesn't make you petty just because you still feel this way while some have moved on; people feel and deal with things differently. I don't know how you feel about these feelings of yours, but try not to beat yourself about it. Hopefully he'll apologize if he gets the chance. If he doesn't, I hope these feelings leave eventually.

For the Jae situation (if you’re talking about the song) I think it’s unfortunate that the song he recommended has such problematic lyrics. My stomach was twisting the whole time I was reading them and to know that he thought it was appropriate to recommend it didn’t make that it any better. I try my best not to blindly love bands or idols but a part of me thought that he was going to apologize. It’s been almost a week but I don’t think I’ve seen anything yet. This has me feeling torn at this (1)

point. This might be biased but I suggest having a bit of faith in him perhaps? Based on his personality (from what we can see anyway) I feel like he wouldn’t leave a topic like this untouched on purpose, especially if he knew that my days were upset about it. I understand that it can be unsettling to have one of your favorite people do something that rubs you the wrong way without any closure to disappate those negative feelings. Even if you do continue to feel badly towards him, know that (2)

hi anon!! how are you i didnt really expect anyone to talk about it bc i have v few day6 mutuals but thank you for bringing it up!!! i have talked about this before in an ask i answered on my main blog (thought it doesnt relate to the topic at all so ill just copy and paste what i said) under cut bc this will get long!

as of november 6:

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics… i SURE hope not… idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

 jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm 

okay so that ^ was like 4 days ago and it was answering a question on pet peeves so it didnt really have to do much with jae at all sorry for making u read that the second last paragraph is probably the most relevant whoops anyway

ive already said this but thank you so much for coming to my ask to talk (? though its mostly to reassure) about this with me because on twitter where i follow more mydays, i barely saw anyone talking about it and as i mentioned above it really bothered me :-/ everyone has different ways of responding to it so ill let that slide because there may be people who still want to enjoy day6′s music without having to deal with anythng “problematic” idk i cant speak for those fans who keep quiet about it but this isnt about other mydays its about jae and 

the fact that he’s been active on twitter since the release of the november magazine but has yet to speak about it also bothers me and its not smth i can just brush aside because like you said the lyrics are fucking terrible and has upset at least 2 people??? (which is completely understandable, the lyrics are trash along with the artist but i doubt jae knows about the shit the artist has done) from what i managed to catch on twitter idk about others and i posted a message on fans here because he has said that they do check fans so im hoping he ends up seeing it soon assuming he doesnt know about how the song distresses some mydays (i think most people have stopped @ing him about it at this point) and ill try to keep tweeting him??

i check the jae_day6 tweets and there are barely any tweets about the whole thing which is sad :-( so im just giving him as you said, the benefit of doubt and i believe that once jae finds out he’ll speak about it because jae is still the kind, encouraging person to mydays and i dont want something like this to change my opinion of him although it did eventually since i cant look jae (and pictures of him) the same way :-/ it probably has to do with the fact that i get influenced really easily by what others think?? and this time bc of what i think i ended up reacting negatively/not at all to jae things and i mean it sucks??? but i know that its okay to feel the way i do since we havent gotten any sort of explanation whatsoever 

anon i hope youre doing much better and even if you harbour any negative feelings towards jae too i want you to know that it’s really alright to feel that way like you said!!!! it makes me a feel a bit better that i have done my part to try and get jae to notice the mistake he’s made and i just hope he’ll talk about it eventually because he has so many opportunities to apologize/discuss the matter (vlive, twitter, fans) theres also music access which i will try and tune in to next monday so i can leave a comment (id feel bad for bernard though since hes the main dj)

once again thank you so much for being kind enough to reassure me and im glad it gave you a chance to talk about this too because something like this isnt something i can forget easily and i hope you have a good day because youre really great!!!!! i love you and its amazing that you believe in jae idk i think youre amazing!!!! 

[viewofsal]

Alrighty. EFF IT- LIFE UPDATE POST!

Soooo a lot of good things have been happening in my life. I know from my posts I sound bitter, sad, heartbroken, blah blah but its been a rough time in my life and I’m finally understanding and accepting my life, my lessons, my blessings, my mistakes and experiences. *Someone told me recently my blog is very raw* but I like to keep it real and what not, plus no one knows me on here lol i have followers from all over the US to international countries as well. Also I feel like I haven’t done an “intro” about myself in a long time.. I think since I’ve started blogging so what the hell…. this is going to be long but hey whatever!

Intro!-

Hey guys! Im Salia Sheikh, 25 (old af, jk!), I look younger than my age (thanks to good genes lol), I am still in school, pursuing a career in Business. I love to read, write (duh I have a blog for a reason!), paint, work out, try new food, BIG FOOD JUNKIE, binge watch amazing shows on Netflix (bae for life), I love the color purple and blue. If school wasnt so damn expensive and I didnt have a timelime (being brown aint fun… sometimes) I would definitely get a degree in business of course, dermatology and psychology. I love learning new things and expanding my mind. I come off as a bitch sometimes to people because of the way my face can be… AKA RESTING BITCH FACE. But honestly its just me observing and understanding how people think and work. I know I am a weirdo but whatever! Humans are so freaking interesting. Oh did I mention I live in PNW!? Seattle. <3 Rain city lol. If I could live anywhere else it would be California, Chicago or New York. Anywho enough about me… lets get into the juicy stuff right?

This summer I had a lot going on! I was at the doctors a lot, i went through a lot exams for my breast cancer and it was a very rough time… but I got through it. Alhumdulillah I have such amazing friends and family to support me and were there for me. Along with that,  I went through a very harsh break up and I know that a few posts below this one I went off on my ex FJ, but in this post Im not going to bash on him or anything. Honestly…. my tumblr isnt made to bash on anyone. I wouldnt want to be talked about on the internet but sadly… it happens. So anyways, I went through a rough heart break that honestly I dont blame anyone but myself and because of this heartbreak I am beyond hard on myself with a lot of things but especially guarding my heart, my feelings and letting anyone in. I was told by someone that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I took this relationship too seriously. Its true, I was madly and crazy in love with him but he wasnt. I would push and force him to make it work but when the other person doesnt see any solution or anything to fix it, you should really just back off Sally. One person cant do all the work, it becomes so draining. I literally have so much love to give but at the same time Im just kind of tired, exhausted, bitter and numb. Its weird because I just said Im full of love but at the same time a heart break really gets you guarded. But you know this was a lesson for myself, to not get ahead of yourself, dont have expectations and if you arent getting what you deserve please walk the fuck away, like ASAP. Just abort lol. Because at the end of the day as hurt as I was, I made myself go through hell because I chose to be like very stupid, LIKE VERY. But at the same time, I take it as a blessing in disguise in many ways and a lesson I would love to teach my daughters and possibly sons. Anywho… along with this I was in school UGH, but because I have a goal and I am so motivated I didnt let it affect my school at all. One thing I did do in the past was let such little things like this get in the way of my focus in school and at the end of the day my dreams and career will be right next to me but the person whos temporary will not be. I will not sacrifice my school for anything. This summer I went to Atlanta with all of my cousins and we had so much fun! And then I came back and attended another wedding. It was a lot of chaos but a lot of fun. I come from a very huge family on both sides, and if youre brown you know three day weddings are HECTIC AS HELL! But I gotta say it was a roller coaster type summer.

Once all of the wedding shenanigans were over and all of my cousins flew back to the East Coast and I started school again. After my break up I really started focusing on my mental health, focusing on school, having a better relationship with my parents (its been a rough road but alhumdulillah I am so blessed with such amazing parents. esp my mom helping me a lot through my break up and all .) I didnt even think about talking to any guys or whatever it was literally not even in my head because I was so focused on myself. But a little birdie out of the blue and into my life for a short time but a sweet time. HA is literally every brown girls dream man. A little white wash (EDM LOVER), knows urdu, deen, open minded, handsome as hell… and family orientated. OH AND TREATS A WOMAN RIGHT! Honestly my first impression was like “fuck boy. STRAIGHT UP F BOY! Cocky, too into himself, thinks hes better than anyone…” OH ALSO- didnt meet him off of dating apps lol, its called IG thats the new hook up spot jk! But when you actually talk to him and stuff omg… he is so different. I dont think I have laughed this much while talking to someone, he is so hilarious. He opened my mind to a lot of things that I didnt know about or he pushed me to see things differently, which I loved. When we started talking I was very upfront and blunt with him. As a brown girl I dont have the freedom to just get up and leave for a guy. Period. He understood that and accepted it. He told me he had no expectations. What I really liked about him was that he would always communicate, he was very honest and he was really respectful. When I say REALLY RESPECTFUL, like super. We were talking about our exes (no I didnt say bad shit lol) and he brought it up and he told me that his ex would everyday for six months since they were together would ask, “when are we getting engaged?” Not once did he say, omg shes bat shit crazy.. or annoying or whatever. He just said that much and he was like “you know I felt pressured and I wanted to explain myself why I broke up with her.” I mean if he wanted too he could made her the victim… but damn. Very kind. Not just that when he came here he was showing me a convo with this girl who was kind of mentally not there, and she would act weird its really hard to explain but he talked to her respectfully and was like “hey listen if you want to make friends you have – “ something along those lines. He was just really nice to her because he knew that something wasnt right with that girl at all. I mean I know a lot of people who would straight up just cuss her out… like without a doubt. I remember one time he asked me over FaceTime, “why are you waiting after you get your degree to get married?” I kind of just ignored it lol. But then one night he was with his cousins and cousin’s wife in DC and he FT’d me and all I heard was a girl yelling, “Who are you talking too!? Who is this bitch!?” And he goes “oh this is bae”, and after she saw me (without make up and my raspy voice at 12am lol) she was like “OMG SHES SO PRETTY and her voice is so cute! Shes such a good girl  being at home lol.” Then he goes, “Hani, ask her why she wont get married while being in school?” And she said, “look Im 23, still in CC and Im married, you can too.” I wasnt going to put anyone under the bus and be like “well arent you going to be rolling the dice on me!?” - (because someone said that once to me…) like I said, I dont bash on my ex at all. Even after that, he asked me again lol, “IF we were to get married why wont you get married, transfer your credits and stuff? You can work if you like but even if you dont its okay… just go to school. I gotchu bae.” Im just like “uhh…. wouldnt you want someone who has everything set?” He literally probably wanted to slap me for saying that and he was like “No… what am I here for?” Honestly he was so accepting of me, my past, my dreams, my goals, honestly everything. Even when he came here it was like I knew him from a long time ago, it wasnt causing me to have anxiety or feel scared. We laughed so much, watched so many shows and ate such amazing food. OMG. It was so good to be true, i mean we trusted each other, communication was there. He told me some things that really made me realize wow he is so freaking amazing… His brother doesnt have his AA or degree, his sister in law has her AA but he helps a lot around the house. Hes such a good son and omg, when I say more guys should be like him I MEAN IT.  He was suppose to be a police man lol but then he went back to school and took a few classes and became a consultant. He didnt have a stable job until he came back to VA. I mean he was on contract to contract and even jobless for a few months but he was so positive and happy, which is why I loved being around him. Whenever he would FT me, he would be around his cousins and they would always say, “H is so loyal and faithful, family orientated and he will treat you right.” like as if I didnt know that lol. But you know after he left something really unexpected happened and it wasnt in our control to save it. But it was no ones fault either, sometimes life does a plot twist on you when you least expect it but I had accepted the unexpected and like someone wise said (Jatin, this is your shoutout), “you cant compete with history.” It took me a while to understand but I definitely knew that he was always honest, communicated with me and he was amazing. We didnt really need closure but trust me the way we had closure was like I dont even need to talk about this again. Not every situation needs it but sometimes you need it. But you know, this was Gods way of showing me and saying, “Salia… dont lose faith in guys. There are good guys out there.” And you know, there are. But I dont want anyone right now. Im perfectly fine being single. Plus I am already a brat, sassy mc sassy… with me being a little numb sometimes… I think I have a lot to say sometimes and I have a strong personality lol, it would drive someone nuts. But Idk everytime I talk about HA my heart melts just a little because I was treated with so much respect and he would always tell me that I was a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. But sometimes good things dont last forever. I accepted it.

Along with losing him, I chose to cut off a friend who meant the world to me. She was like a little sister and a best friend. After going through so much in just a few months I realized what I want, who I want in my life and what Im going to do about it. I cant handle negativity… like AT ALL. Friends are suppose to support you, be happy for you and be there for you. This friend lol.. she wasnt there for me at all during my break up, i get it YOU DONT LIKE FJ but I need my girl to be there for me.. shit. I felt like she was jealous and trust me I aint hot shit… Im very like normal, pakistani, short girl… living life. But the vibe and the way she started acting about HA was weird. None of my best friends asked me questions like, “Did he kiss you?” like what…. thats not why he flew here for from VA…. But either way she was asking weird questions like, “was it just fun and games”- PAUSE! So I know Im 25, brown girls get the pressure once theyre in their 20s… But I am in no rush to get married and that is not because I dont have a degree- TO HELL WITH THAT. I can burn that shit and I would still be amazing. But like you dont talk to a guy and jump into the marriage topic, wth? HA and I had a very clear understanding that we are going to take baby steps, no telling parents, siblings, whatever… no labels. TAKE IT SLOW. But either way she was just a total bitch. She loves saying, “I told you so.” Either way I had enough of her, her nazar (evil eye) and negativity. Like I dont need that… I need to be around people who support me, love me and dont bash on my ass. I love my circle small and ever since I cut her off of my life, I am doing so much better because I dont have a gun to my head. It wasn’t even over a guy that I ended our friendship… it was because she wasn’t a good friend and she was jealous. She was never truly happy for me about anything. She envied the relationship I have with my mom and would always be like oh your mom was okay with that? Isk just very weird vibes…. I really wish that she changes her way of approach and what not. No guy is going to love a girl who expects so much and no girl is going to be with a friend who is so judgemental as fuck. Period. I never cuss any of my girlfriends out ever. But she really pissed me off and I felt judged and like a hoe. I really dont need that, thanks anyways.

Now that I got that out of my way, like I said earlier… I have been working on myself. I started going to the gym but its been a while because of school and working a ton of hours. But now that I am on break I am going to go back to the gym, start reading my book- EVERYONE MUST READ “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life“- literally eye opening and so funny! It has changed my life. Reading really does help with your knowledge and growing as a person. If anyone knows any good reads, please drop me a message! :) Im also going to start reading the Quran but in English translation because I really want to know what Im reading and what the Quran is saying, I just want to self educate myself and know about my religion, I am not religious at all… but one thing I do want to start doing is praying and being connected with Allah. I think having a spiritual connection is so good for the mind and soul.

As I was turning 25 I was thinking a lot about myself, my past and my future. I am a thinker but I also love testing myself. When I was 23 going to 24 I was a very weak person. I was fragile and sensitive to a lot of things. I didnt have thick skin at all. I will admit that and I was little a push over. I lost myself at the age of 23, I had a stalker who ruined my life. I never had anxiety my whole life… I took everything like it was nothing. But after dealing with that… it made me weak. I wasnt the Salia that everyone knew. But now that Im past it, I went through some tough stuff in 2017… it made me wiser, smarter, grateful and stronger.  I dont get affected by anything lately… and I was very hesitant to post this but its my blog, my page and I will do whatever to it. Plus I love to write. I feel like a lot has happened but I have been just writing bits and pieces here and there. But I guess I thought I would write something its been a while. lol.

ALSO- Im flying out to Arizona next week for the weekend and I am so excited! to celebrate and have a vacation and to be not dealing with school for a month! Hell yaaaaaa. *THIS WAS MY FAV LIFE UPDATE IN THIS LONGGGGGG POST*

Okay guys… its 1246am here! Im off to bed. Have fun reading this, judging this, whatever you want :D

[eminentconscript-blog]

MEINIR: =After the one Strider kid's announcement about Orphus' whereabouts had reached her ears, it had taken no time at all questioning the locals and figuring out just where it was he happened to be hiding his cowardly flesh sack. Meinir and two of her crew had broken in through the loft window of Dennab's house when they were sure no one was there. It was a simple thing of combined climbs and jumps, and a few deft moments with a lockpick. The three of them sneaking inside and closing the window back up behind them, leaving no trace of their activities. Now Meinir was sitting square in the room, filing her nails with impatient flicks of her tail. The two ladies from her crew standing on either side of the door, back to the wall to keep out of Orphus' field of vision once he were to enter. The stage is set. The yellow bellied little brother will be caught once and for all.=

ORPHUS: -It was later in the day when he returned to Dennab's house. By now his friend had given him a key so it was easy enough to get in and out when he wasn't there, after all Dennab was usually gone and busy by this point. He had left in the middle of the night the day before to go see Taalay on skaia, and it went as well as expected possibly even better considering he was still in the same number of pieces as he was before he left. At this point he was just exhausted from the interaction and he slowly made his way to the guest room where he had been staying the last several weeks.-  ORPHUS: -He's hardly paying attention, rubbing at his tired eyes before removing his hood and opening the door. He gets about two steps into the room before he realizes he's not alone and his eyes fly open to settle on his sister sitting right there in front of him.- ................................... ORPHUS: -Hes so fucked, holy shit. His stomach starts churning and his chest feels tight with anxiety and he hasn't even seen the other two ladies behind him. Is it too late to quickly back out and retreat through the door way, he sure as hell is going to try anyways.-

MEINIR: =She doesn't lift her gaze as the door opens, blue eyes trained on her claws. Blowing on them and looking them over. It sure as hell is too late for Orphus to back out, because the large teal standing behind the door slammed it shut the moment he had stepped inside enough and placed herself in front of it. The psionic looming just in the corner of his vision, energy crackling between her horns. Meinir points at him with her nail file.= |)earest, sweetest little brother. How nice to see that you are still among the living.  MEINIR: \V/hy don't you take a seat? =There's a chair placed right opposite her. How convenient.=

ORPHUS: -Orphus's attention darts between the fellow teal blood and the psionic. This is a very less then ideal situation and there is no possible way for him to escape while surrounded like this.- ORPHUS: -His pulse is racing and he slowly drags his gaze back to his sister and swallows dryly.- Meinir...  ORPHUS: This.  ORPHUS: This is a <ivilian residen<e you should not be trespassing here. -He is not going to sit.-

MEINIR: =Looks up at him, legs crossed and tapping her file slowly against her knee. She's smiling, but everything about her is oozing agitation, like she is ready to leap at him at any moment.= | don't believe you are in any position to start lecturing me about, why, just about anything really! I'm honestly shocked you have the fuckin' nerve to try it right out the gate.  MEINIR: =Gestures to the psion with her file, then at Orphus, then at the chair.= /|/ow. Sit.  MEINIR: =Orphus will find himself surrounded with psionic energy, and will now be attempted lifted and snapped down onto the chair.=

ORPHUS: I am not trying to le<ture you I am telling you that you shouldnt be-- -He really has no way to fight off the psionics surrounding him and moving his body, struggle as he may hes lifted and then dropped into the chair. Of course the moment he is in it he is going to attempt to jump right back up. This is all very stressful for him.- This is redi<ulous!! <ease this!  ORPHUS: -Its hard to tell with the baggy sweatshirt on, but perhaps now that they are closer face to face Meinir might be able to see it in his face how he's lost more weight since they last saw each other.-

MEINIR: =Sorry Orphus, but the psion is definitely going to keep pressure on his shoulders to prevent him from jumping back up, and around his ankles to keep him "chained" to the chair. His commentary makes Meinir laugh, a big booming one, her head falling backwards. Her gaze firm and burning once she stops, pupils only tiny slits.= |Y|ou really have some gall to start making demands from me! I shall cease nothing! Maybe if you had kept your promise I would have given you a more gentle escort back to daddy, but we both very well know there's not a chance in hell of that happening now.  MEINIR: /|\aybe that's why you're squatting up in this shithole, huh? Too afraid of "big bad Meinir" coming to haul you back to face the goddamn music? You really had me with that story y'know! About how this was something you needed, and that you would really, really, keep in touch and let me know that you were still kicking.  MEINIR: \V/HAT A FUCKIN' JOKE!!!

ORPHUS: -His eyes go wide when she says her intentions of carting him back to their father, no, hes not ready for that he can't face his dad yet thats too much. His fear is momentarily forgotten though when she dares to insult his friend's dwelling.-  ORPHUS: It is not a shithole!! -He snarls in response, teeth bared and his volatile reaction a little over played but his entire system is on high alert, any reaction at all is going to be extreme.-

MEINIR: =Snorts.= |>lease. This entire planet smells of animal shit and mud. At least it is an upgrade from LOTAM, seein' as there ain't as many zealots high on fairydust fumes laying around in the street. MEINIR: |T|o think you'd rather spend your time in these hovels than go back home-- \V/hat are you so afraid of anyway? That you failed like, what, once? You're acting as if honor and pride is all that matters!  MEINIR: §o tell me then! \V/hat could you possibly hope to gain from squatting on one planet to the next, wallowing in your own self pity? Like. REALLY? How is THAT going to fix your wounded pride?

ORPHUS: -Growls.- I am aware it wont do anything to fix it. But it is my <hoi<e to live as I please. But tell me what do I even have to go ba<k to?? Even if I were to pro<ure a repla<ement limb who is to say I will ever regain the same use and skills that I had. And more importantly what do I have left with his <rew after I all but formally burned the bridge by abandoning them all in the first pla<e to fool heartily feed my own ego and ambitions by serving with another?? ORPHUS: I have embarrassed myself and my family name with my a<tions. Even if I had the smallest <han<e of rea<hing su<ess at home I've forever ruined it with my past a<tions. ORPHUS: I dont want to fa<e that.... ORPHUS: .......But I told you all of this the first time we met. You released me then, so you had to have some semblan<e of understanding.

MEINIR: ()h!!! Yes! I certainly did! I bought into all of this shit, hoping that you'd find your way and be honest to yourself and your fuckin' family! But WHOOPS!!! MEINIR: |3IG SURPRISE! Orphus is nothing but a COWARD. MEINIR: |Y|ou're not trying to fix anything, you're just running away. You don't even give your family the kindness to let them know you're alive. =Her knuckles are going white around the nailfile, and for a moment her expression twists, brows furrowing as her mouth twitches downwards. A split moment of something stinging at her eyes, a grief that she swallows down, her shoulders now squared.= | kept my promise you know. I did! Because FUCK ME if I didn't always believe you to be honest. I kept my bleedin' mouth shut the whole time, even as I saw how daddy was shutting down more for each day gone without a word!  MEINIR: |Y|ou're a fucking coward Orphus, one that cares more about your own ego than your family.  MEINIR: |)o you honestly think I-- that daddy or Taalay or any of us, are trying to haul you back to force you into somethin' you don't wanna do? To immediately force you back into something that cost you your arm? That's left you looking like-- Like you're not even yourself!  MEINIR: /|/obody GIVES A SHIT about what you did. We all just wanted to know that you were safe! That you're alive and that we would see you again! GOD!!! =She laughs, almost pathetically, looking down into her lap while the muscles in her arms tense.=  MEINIR: |)addy's crew kept muttering about holding a funeral, did you know that?

ORPHUS: -He is quiet over the duration of her short speech. In part because he knows she is absolutely right. He is a damn coward, a fool, a troll too full of himself that it blinded him until the consequences grew too large to come back from.- ORPHUS: -He's dropped his gaze to the floor, fighting back the lump in his throat and trying to ignore the pathetic way his eyes sting as teal colored tears hang at the very edges. It hurts even more to hear about his father, and the pain the rest of his family was put through because of his reckless actions. It had taken him months to understand he wasnt just hurting himself by running away but everyone else suffered for it too. But what could he even do to fix it now?- ORPHUS: .....No. I did not know that. -He sniffs.-

MEINIR: =It's probably a little awkward for the two other trolls in the room witnessing all of this, but they know to keep both their ears and mouths shut. Meinir's grip on the file eases, letting her fists loosen up on her knees. Taking a breath to steady herself.=  MEINIR: |'m taking you back Orphus, whether you like it or not. I'm not going to lie for you anymore, I can't do it. I can lie about a lot of things, more and better than most, but I'm not going to fuckin' play along with this shit anymore. I'm not gonna help you hurt our family, I can't do it.  MEINIR: |Y|ou're going to gather what little of your spine you have left, and you will see daddy, and you'll apologize for dropping off of the fuckin' starcharts. Just as I will for not telling him the truth about you.

ORPHUS: -He doesnt lift his head, he's not even straining against the psionic bonds anymore.-  ORPHUS: M-Meinir please.... dont.  ORPHUS: I-I cant f...fa<e him. -Fuck tears are starting to drip down his face. Orphus shuts his eyes tight to try to stop himself from full out crying but its too late.-

MEINIR: =Honestly, even angry as she is, it hurts seeing him cry. It hurts seeing him cry, hurts seeing him like this, and it hurts knowing that she fed into it when she could have just told everyone the truth. She wants to pinch his cheeks, hug him and say that it's okay! Stop the sniffling and let your sister take care of it! But she can't let herself do it. Keep hurting them all for the sake of a lie. Her voice is almost flat.= |f not now, then when? MEINIR:  /-\fter he's destroyed your mother's ships in his grieving fury? After he's held the funeral for his firstborn? All while I watch, knowing that you're alive, but sworn on my word to keep it secret while our family burns? I gave you time with the lie, Orphus, time that I hoped you'd use to build yourself back up. You can't ask me to give you more. Not this time.

ORPHUS: -He is a mess of snot and tears, its really pitiful to look at and Orphus would give anything to not appear so vulnerable in front of the other two trolls, its quite embarrassing. He didn't mean for things to get this way, for everything to go so far. But every time he thought about facing his problems it felt like the end of the world and so he grew comfortable pretending like he could just brush off his old life and live in the shadows without consequences. It was stupid of him to think he could have ever slowly acclimated to interacting with his family and loved ones again, especially after Joel broadcasted his whereabouts.-  ORPHUS: Im s-sorry I shouldn't have broken your promise I just-- ORPHUS: I didnt mean t-to hurt anyone else...

MEINIR: =She can't bring herself to cry, even if she feels like doing it alongside him. She doesn't really have any right to, having done what she did, or so she feels anyhow. Wearing masks is what she does, and now she is donning one to keep her eyes from watering. Her breathing is steady, her focus on every even inhale and exhale, a form of meditation to place her focus on that rather than her feelings. So she could say her words without emotions muddling them up. She straightens her back, looking right ahead at him.= | know. MEINIR: |'m not going to pretend you didn't truly have a horrible time, that this experience and your feelings are all invalid, but I still think you a coward for running away without a word for so long. This isn't helping you. The longer you run away, isolate yourself, pretend you're dead.... The worse you're just making it for yourself. If I'm not stopping it now, a hard stop, then I don't honestly think you'll ever stop running. =She stands up from her chair.= MEINIR: |Y|ou can hate me if you'd like, but we are going. =Not like he didn't hate her before though, hah...=

ORPHUS: -Hate is a strong word, but he will not correct her. Its not as though his actions or the way he has behaved towards her in their past would prove otherwise. And Meinir has a small point, even now Orphus still wanted to run and hide (perhaps it had something to do with the feeling of being currently trapped against his will but even so) could he ever trust himself to voluntarily go through with returning home? Possibly not...- ORPHUS: -Still, that did not mean he was thrilled about being delivered straight to his father, and while he had nothing more to say he slowly dried his tears gave one last ditched effort at trying to pull free of the invisible restraints holding him into the chair.-

MEINIR: =Having nothing more to say, and Orphus apparently having no words left either, Meinir gives a quick nod in direction of the psion. The yellowblood swiftly applies a sharp jabbing jolt against Orphus' pressure points, not enough to permanently damage, but certainly enough to make him pass out and slouch like a sack of potatoes. Perfect for transport. The teal hoists him over her shoulder, Meinir watching with an expression more blatantly sad and tired than any that had come before. She shakes it off with a sigh.=/-\islin, search the room for belongings and the like. We are taking it, and him, and we are leaving.  MEINIR: =The psion, Aislin, nods, making short process of searching the room with their psionics. Meinir, in the meantime, writes a note which she attatches to the chair via dagger. Polite enough to leave behind an explaination, as the room is left abandoned. The Wave Dancer leaves port only minutes after their boarding.=