#you too can have a glorious relationship & revel in the daily knowledge you're a plague upon this earth!

[harbingrs]

no bullshit on this post this is immensely personal & not meant to imply anything broader. no comments/interaction from strangers either thanks

Thinking about breakup songs & the past 15 years and it just. Makes my head spin, truth be told.

Saying it plainly: the majority of my relationships have been with men while being perceived as a woman.

I am always fundamentally Too Much emotionally. Definitely a case of Sad Too Much, Takes Things Too Seriously, Needs Too Much Reassurance, etc. Not delving into the backstory on that.

When I was perceived as a woman and dating a man? I'm being too needy. I'm histrionic and hysterical. High maintenance, even - as opposed to the Chill Cool Girl who existed to make him feel good about himself. Really, I should just learn to shut up!

When I'm perceived as a man dating a woman? I'm requiring too much emotional labour. I'm weak and pathetic. A failure of manhood, even. It's frankly embarrassing for a man to have those kind of anxieties. Really, I should just learn to toughen up!

This is not going to be some in-depth analysis of the dynamics at play here. I'm not even going to state my actual gender (the public one or the private personal one).

The point of this post is just. Damn, it's brutal out here.