#you need some help or vent just lemme know im always here

[blurrycow]

therapyyyyy. therapy! THERAPY. theRAPYYYYYYY

[jayden-killer]

WORTHY ON THIS EARTH.

Paring: Steven Grant × Gender neutral! Reader (hints of Jake and Marc).

Warnings: angst, hints of suicidal tendencies, hints of suicide attempts, mentions of bipolar disorder, low self esteem, Steven being a cutie💕

A/N: Hello everyone, just a quick message: this is kinda of a self insert story. I just wanted to vent a little. The thing is: I don't feel worthy, and my thoughts go to me thinking I'm a bit of a useless human. That's how I recently feel. Constantly worrying myself if I'm doing the right thing, if i can be really useful, etc. Im sorry :( If some of you guys don't feel comfortable reading this fic, skip it, your mental health is more important than a piece of story..but, if you keep going, I hope you will enjoy it♡ if so, lemme know in the comments.♡ as always, I excuse myself for any mistakes in this fic, and the rushing at the end, but I was crying my eyes out while writing this.

°~°

They hoped to find a distraction from their thoughts. They were devouring them, little by little. Everything seemed exhausting, needless to say or do. They also considered it was useless to cry or any other outburst that might give comfort. There was nothing that could help them get out of this. They could hear the constant murmur of their thoughts,

"You’re useless"

"You don’t excel at anything"

"Are you doing something good in your life?"

And to this last question, they already knew the answer: absolutely nothing. So if it was useless, what were they still doing there, lying on their boyfriend’s bed, curled up on one side? Their life was supposed to be over for years. And yet they were still there and they kept going.

He hated keeping going on.

—Love? Why aren't you asleep?

They tensed, heading his sweet, yet tired voice. Steven's looks were absolutely astonishing, even though he had some curls sticked on his forehead and some bags under his eyes. He looked like an angel, sent by God or whoever to help them. But they still couldn't understand why, a sweet and beautiful soul like Steven, was with them. He could've had everyone, but he chose them over someone else. It was painful. This was another thing that was eating them alive.

«You shouldn't be with me, Steven. You really shouldn't. I am nothing, but a piece of meat without beauty. Without skills. Without a soul».

—I can't. M'not tired— they lied, havoding his gaze. In fact, they were craving for a good sleep, but their head couldn't shut up for a second.

Steven remained silent for a solid minute. Perhaps he was thinking, perhaps he was discussing with his brothers.

—Love, I know something is up. Tell me— he tried to reach their hand, but they slapped it away. No, you don't deserve to hold my hand. Neither my love.

—___? What is happening? What are you...

—Please— their voice clearly broken, barley a whisper—please, just leave me alone, just leave me alone, one fucking minute...

Steven perfectly understood what was going on. He just make the less noise possibile by turning on his night lamp, carefully sitting onto the bed. He understood his soulmate needed the space they requested. He stayed there, gazing their shaking form, accompanied by sobs. Even If he wasn't saying anything, his presence said a lot more than his words.

I'm here, I won't go anywhere, love. Take your time, then we'll be talk about what's troubling you.

He was about to get up and get a glass of fresh water to them, but when the bed cracked under his weight, (meaning he was about to get up), they turned their red face and puffy eyes to Steven. They whispered: —I didn't mean it. I want you. Please, stay with me, don't leave me, Steven.

—Hey, hey— he rushed, kneeling at their side of the bed, —can I touch your cheeks? Is that OK?—

—No, no, please don't.. please don't touch them...

Steven smiled. —It's okay, love, I wo...

—I meant, yes please, touch me.. I need a hug, I need comfort, I need..

Their words kept going on, but Steven tried to reassure them by brining slowly and carefully his arms around their body. He pet their hair with a gentlest touches, eventually giving pecks to their forehead and sweet nothings above their words.

I'm here, won't hurt you, I will be forever here, love. Its okay, let it out...

When they calmed down enough to keep a steady breathing, Steven took their cheeks between his palms hands and made them look into his chocolate eyes. A comfortable place where their soulmate would always find peace.

—Mind telling me what's bothering you, my love? Only if you can.

They made a breath. Inhale, exhale. They never dared to look away for his eyes, shaking their head slightly. —I... I guess I'm not worthy, Steven. That's what is going on.

Steven furrowed his browns. —Is that a sorta of joke, lovebug?

Of course not, idiota. Stop saying bullshit in a serious moment like this.

Nice move, fella.

—No, sorry— Steven quickly tried to dismiss what he just said, —I said a stupid phrase. I shouldn't...

—Wait, Steven, it is okay. I'm not offended... I.. I'll tell you everything.

Steven put his hand on theirs and just smiled, mentioning that he's listening.

—Okay so... uhm, everything lately seems so fucking sad. Its that...— they inhaled deeply and tried to find the courage to organise their thoughts, —its that I'm so fucking unless, Steven. Im incapable of doing anything. Nobody seems proud of me or my actions and, believe me, I'm trying my hardest to succeed, but it seems that they only want the results. I'm.. I'm so fucking tired. I thought I just needed a sleep, but it's more than that. It's more.

They haven't realised they were crying again, so hard, and Steven didnt wait a moment to hug them again. He couldn't believe their words. He knew they were having a tough time in their life and he tried his best to make their days cheerful, maybe it didn't work at all. But he never gave up.

—I've never been so proud of you, my love. Believe me when I say so. Life is a challenge everyday, and even if you fall ans fall and keep falling, you never surrend. You stand up and try again. And this makes honor to you, y'know that?— They smiled between sobs, —Even Jake and Marc are so proud of you! Jake says that you're the toughest person he's ever met— They laugh a little and Steven laughs too. Their laugh is the most beautiful sound on the earth. He missed hearing it.

—I know this is a hard period for you, but it's okay. You can do it. We can do it.

Pause.

—Never say again you're useless, ___. I don't want to hear those words again escaping from your mouth. Never.

—I'll try my best— they wishpered.

And maybe, maybe this time, they felt worthy on this earth.

[tonoiho]

ok now i can properly make a pinned post

heyo im Hypno. 20. any pronouns. aroace spec trans swag.

i sign off art with Hypnocus (old art is signed with Kradeloh or Soloiho)

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Art Tags

#hypnart, #doodlz (wips go under doodlz as well)

Text Post Tags

#postnocus

#soloitar (<- guitar posting)

#persolnel (<- mostly ranting/mild venting. feel free to filter!)

---☆

if you need any posts tw/cw tagged lemme know (:

Reblog Sideblog: @macaqaroni

i am bad at talking to people i dont already know & im not keen on reaching out to people lawl, so sorry if i just like. dont respond well or if im slow about it

---☆

heres some links bc i feel like they'd be more helpful than me speaking about myself

Carrd

Twitter

Favorite Songs

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media/things i otherwise enjoy

-Sonic the Hedgehog

-The Owl House

-guitars (specifically electric)

-Deltarune

-Lego Monkie Kid

-object shows

what i use to draw

-really old broken ass Wacom Intuos tablet that has looked Death in the eyes one too many times (not anymore but im leaving this here bc im funny)

-Deco 01 XP PEN Tablet

-Clip Studio Paint

-ibis Paint X (desktop ver.)

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asks are always on with anon allowed

ok bye

[kittybellestark]

Oops I think I’m late to the ask thing... but what’s your favorite marvel fics that you have read?? You can also add yours btw

It’s never too late, I love answering these questions honestly the more the merrier

EDIT: Link to some other fave’s I recc’d back in November that I also love vvvvv much 

I most definitely will not be adding my own to this list I like my stuff full like a full two minutes and only actually like only one fic that I’ve posted long term so oops but lemme go thru my history and stuff and I’ll get some of my faves lined up

also this took me hours and i wanted to put more but when i was going thru my history you could always tell when i was about to get my monthly visit which is kinda really funny but also made this much harder than it needed to be 

some recent faves of mine is under the cut

Your Heart Changed (Mine Stayed the Same) by  loisselina (LoisSelina)

Peter Parker is back but 5 years into the future and the world has changed. Peter goes home with May only to find she had moved on, with a husband and two kids. Peter struggles to find his place in this new family with a strict step uncle, the longer he's there the harder he finds it to stay on his good side, uncertain if May will believe him.

Contains physical abuse, emotional/verbal abuse, and May Parker being neglectful at the very least.

Notes: I still haven’t read the last two chapter bc I’m not ready for it to be over, it’s really good and I am a sucker for Peter coming back post snap and is put into a bad situation bc no one handled their grief well

You Better Let Somebody Love You (Before It’s Too Late) by ambivilantangst

Tony finds Spider-Man on the roof of his favorite coffee shop.

A few days after Siberia, it hurts to move—to reply to Spider-Man, even, when he tries to talk—but Tony, while irritated, assumes it’s a one-off incident.

It’s not.

Tony keeps leaving the too-quiet Tower for his caffeine fix, Spider-Man keeps popping up against the shop’s heater vent, and as weeks turn into months, Tony finds himself with a new friend. And if Spider-Man is a little dodgy here and there, well, Tony figures everyone’s entitled to their secrets.

//

Or, Tony doesn’t recruit Spider-Man for the Avengers’ Civil War. Maybe if he had, he would’ve caught that something was up with the guy before things went to shit.

Notes: this one is really good. Tony tries to keep Spider-Man at arms length and while having some suspicions about him he respects the secret identity and the friendship they’ve built together. Everyone is hurt and then everyone is healing and i just ugh I love these sort of things

It’s a Secret to Everybody by StarPrince_Punk

“I have kids," Clint said. "I know dad behavior when I see it.” Tony blinked multiple consecutive times, processing the statement. “Excuse me?” “Tony,” Steve said now, “how long have you had a son? And how come we’ve never known about him?” “Yeah,” Clint spoke again, “I thought I was the only one with a secret family. Turns out you’ve had one longer than me!” ------- Peter gets to spend all summer living in Avengers Tower with Tony. When the Rogue Avengers get pardoned and come back to live at the Tower too, they're confused as to who Peter is. However, once they see how Tony acts around Peter, that confusion goes away, as they know for certain who Peter must be - Tony's secret son. Tony and Peter decide to make the most of the situation, and play along. They hope they can keep up the act all summer. But they soon learn that they barely have to act at all.

Notes: This is one of the first multi-chap irondad fics that I read, I had read  one shots before hand, and I mostly read Avengers Found Family and Tony/literally anyone in the avengers pairings before getting into irondad. So it holds a small place in my heart being one of the first multi-chap fics. I love the confusion, the shenanigans the way how everyone is in on the joke except for the avengers and how this made Tony and Peter bond into a father-son relationship. idk im sentimental ig

Body Pillow by The_Winter_Writer

It wasn't a surprise that everyone in the Tower seemed a bit cautious and wary around him. Bucky completely understood. That's why it was a surprise when someone, a very breakable someone, decided the Winter Soldier was an acceptable choice for sleepy cuddling.

Notes: Surprise Shawty it’s Winteriron and not irondad. This is just so cute and I really enjoy the way Bucky doesn’t trust himself and is being ostracized by others and he just is so insecure and accepts that ??? and Tony just rolls in and is like ‘ah yes optimal place to sleep is ontop of you’  like yes tony i too would love to sleep ontop of bucky u right anyways i love my insecure boys they so soft

Chances Missed, Chances Taken by winterbitch (WinterLadyy)

Steve, with Peggy's help, realizes that he's in fact, in love with his best friend who he left back in the present. He decides to go back to him. Only, something went wrong and 3 weeks for him had been 3 years in his present and there's an unhappy surprise waiting for him. Apparently, Bucky is capable of finding new friends himself, and even finding a family... A happiness of his own.

Notes: Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. His assumptions really come back to bite him in the butt and I don’t really feel as bad for him as I should. I don’t know, maybe I’m cold but he is much more reliant on Bucky then Bucky is on Steve and just, I like that Bucky built a whole life for himself and idk I guess there’s a little part of me that feels satisfaction in the fact that Steve doesn’t get the happy ending he wanted. idk makes me feel like im a lil cold sometimes but i have a love/hate relationship with steve mcu!steve is just so blah yknow 

[dolphin-enthusiast]

hi there, my sunflower~!! 🌻🌞💛 how was your day? did you eat and drink enough?? remember, it's important to take care of yourself darling!! oh my stars, i was so happy to come back to such nice words from everyone,, and to that, i thank you all very much as always 💞 i'm no angel but gosh,, you are so so sweet morgy!! and the other's words helped motivate me thus morning!! (1/7)

" i saw that someone said something along the lines of "waifu is best thing to happen in 2020" and mamma mia,, that was so kind!!! i'm nothing special really, just a girl trying to do her best,, but that really means a lot to me!! i'm so so so happy that i can make 2020 a little bit easier 💓💓💓 (2/7)

and of course i'm always available to listen to vents and giving support,, no one deserves to suffer alone after all!! truly, its nothing, i'm just trying to be the kind of person i need in life,, if any of you do need someone with no bias to talk to, my DMs are always open to welcome you 💖 (3/7)

today i did a lot of modeling,, as much as i love it so, it can be difficult when narcolepsy kicks in mid session!! i was perfectly posed when i suddenly felt such strong exhaustion, so i was forced to take a nap and then had to do it all over again!! i got some nice photos though, so it paid off in the end 🌠 (4/7)

and i got to spend some time picking flowers outside,, it was warm out so i was very relaxed!! i put some of the flowers in my hair because i thought it would be funny, and it actually looked kind of cute when i saw my reflection!! 🌺 (5/7)

oh, and one of my favorite holidays comes soon!! it's called ferragosto, and it marks the end of the italian summer harvest,, and we italianos normally celebrate with the day off, beach trips, and little festivals!! since the pandemic is pretty troubling here, i'll be celebrating at home with my family this year!! we're going to cook an entire feast,, with pasta and fresh bread, and even a timpano!! (which is basically a very extra fancy lasagne hehe) (6/ 7̶ 8)

the holiday often reminds me of the bahamas, which i have traveled to some times while on past cruises,, those islands are truly wonderful and carefree,, it's my happy place where i can forget all of life's stresses,, it's sad that i go there so rarely!! ahhh i'd love to go there with you someday,, i bet you would love it too!!! ✨ (7/8)

it's getting late now, and i have some appointments tomorrow, so i should get to bed!! take care love, and make sure to get some rest!!! - sweet dreams~! love, waifu xoxo 🌺🌼🌻🌸💘😳💫✨😍🌠💖💕💓💗❤💋💌💞 ps: i know i said i'm not an angel, but i wouldn't mind being the angel to your demon 🥺👉👈💞💞💞 (8/8)"

Wow i never knew italians had such a holiday and it sounds fun tbh?? We have plenty of traditional holidays as well but im not used to celebrating most of them since my family never really did stuff but hEy that sounds like alot of free food👁️👁️ also modelling?? Hello?? MY MODEL HCS ARE S H A K I N G AND C R Y I N G RN LEMME KNOW WHEN U MAKE IT ON THE COVER OF VOGUE DARLIN😳😳😳😳😳😤😤😤😤

I obvs never even went to the bahamas and overly sunny places aren't really my favorites since i get burnt to a c r i s p easily but i cant say i wouldnt take the risk and not travel with u there either😞👊 u n l e s s ?

And dear u already are p much the ultimate angel to my demon i mean look at u giving support to everyone and picking flowers peacefully meanwhile all i do is cause chaos and clown around 🤡🤡🤭🤭 i guess thats what makes us a p iconic duo h u h

[irndad]

weak- b.b.

a/n: this is nothing. like its 700 words but i liked it a lot so its a oneshot. lemme know if u want this on the masterlist bc i dont think im gonna have it on there

summary: ur stressed and sleep deprived bc school +finals and bucky makes u sleep and its all very sweet (just imagine thats his dg tags round his neck thanks)

masterlist

wc: ~800

Painful heat sits in her chest, humming like an ache she can’t quite identify what made it, and it hurts. She presses the warm mug to her chest, wincing slightly and her tips her head down, leaning back on the kitchen counter.

The humming is so loud in her mind she misses him entering. This almost never happens.

Everything is so loud, the hum of the vents and the sounds of the birds outside their window, the blinds shifting and her solitude only making it all louder. She wants Bucky here. Wants him to wake from his sleep and wrap his arms around her so she could have some of her own.

God, she’s usually so attuned to him, can tell when he walks in just by the way the energy in the room picks up. But now, she’s so caught up in herself, int he ache, in the way her fingers keep tapping and her hearts beating fast and her head just won’t slow down-

“Hey, sweetheart,” she hears him approach her, his eyes a gentle blue, unspoken fondness in them- she’s so weak for that, finds it so easy to melt into him. Melt into the way he looks at her like she’s something precious. Something to be treasured. For some reason, it never startles her. He could come out of nowhere where she’d never expect to be and he’d still never be able to startle her.

Her heart’s like a compass. He’s north.

He places his hand on her cheek, rough but still him, and that more than makes up for it. He’s still her weakness, so she leans into his touch, growing warmer when he makes himself closer to her, metal arm curling around her waist.

“Could hear you worrying from the bedroom, baby.” He kisses her cheek, barely there just a swipe of dry lips on her skin before he leans down and rests his forehead on hers. “Wanna tell me what you’re worrying about so loud?”

A chill runs down her spine, and she feels silly, so stupid for, god, having worry over school? The man she’s standing in front of, the man who’s curled into her protectively, the man who’s looking at her like he’d move the world to make her smile- he’d been through hell. He’d fought through it and came out the other side, and here she was. Worrying about finals.

“Hey, no, don’t do that, sugar.” He says, and how can he do that, know what she’s thinking by the turn of her gaze? If she had asked, she knew what he’d have said. He’d have said he loved her, and it makes him pay attention. She’s his favorite subject, “Whatever you’re worrying about, doll, I’m not gonna think any less of you. You’re my girl. I just wanna help.”

Weak. She curls further into him, letting him wrap both arms around her and her head falling into his chest, before she hears herself speak.

“I just haven’t- haven’t slept. In 2 days, and I’ve been studying and my scores still aren’t going up and-“

“You haven’t slept in how long?” His blue eyes widen, concern flooding his expression and he moves his hand to stroke her cheek with the back of his hand. The metal is cool to the touch. She notes how soft something built with destruction in mind can be.

Then that metal hand curled around her wrist and pulled her to their bedroom.

He’s so much stronger than her, lifts her like a feather into bed, instantly pulling her into his embrace. The bed is still warm, him having left minutes ago, and she sighs. He fills her senses.

“You need to rest, love.” And she sighs again, as he pulls just the bit tighter into his chest.

“I love you,” she says. She hears the pick up of his heart, and for a second she wonders if this what it’s always like for him. If he can always hear her heart beat when he says it. Seems like one of the gifts of the serum.

“Love you more, sweet girl.” He kisses her forehead again, so tender in how he treats her. Not fragile, but just his. His to protect. His to care for.

She was never into possessiveness, but it works for them.

Dimly, as she falls asleep to the beat of his heart and the way he holds her, she thinks that it works, because he’s hers.

Her Bucky, and she’s his girl.

tag list under the cut! ask if u wanna be on it!!

@delicatecapnerd

@alylionheart

@who-the-hell-is-sebastianstan

@httpmcrvel  @frecklesholland @heckin-good-holland@afoxwonderland@radicalstars @once-upon-a-walking-wolf-demigod@thecreativeangel@barnesvogue @nedthegay @the-girl-with-no-plan @uglygirlkk@macfullyloaded17@dianileesawsomeness@readixgkodie615@blamebangtan @emgrace728 @nedslaptop @dangerousluv1@midtownsparker@loverboy-holland@princeofsassgard@rareunicorntris912 @sammy-holland@livingoffsavvyillusions@painterwithhope@spiderboytotherescue@yoitsnotkim@pandartist@vampireloveandfun@gracethegeek9902   @spectacularspiderman58 @not-reptilian@ashleyhearto@thehollandcommittee@holtzmannnd@tmrhollandkay

[letsbefeminist]

Hi, I hope I'm not bothering you but I was wondering if you had any advice for like getting your self-esteem/positive self-image back after being cheated on? My s.o. and I decided to still stay together but I'm just having trouble in the aftermath with feeling like myself, or feeling good about myself, or feeling like I'm still attractive to my partner. Also I love your blog and you're always so amazing and sweet in your replies so I hope you don't mind, thank you!

You are definitely not a bother & I’m incredibly sorry you’re even dealing with this right now. It’s a devastating thing to go through & it really can change who you are & how you see/think about yourself.

((This is gonna be looooong as hell tbh & also, thank you for being so sweet! It really made my night & I don’t mind at all you coming to me to talk! 💜💗))

Okaaay, I found out all the way back in November that my partner cheated on me. Like you, i decided to stay with him & work through things but I gotta say, this has been a challenge like no other.

Sooo, I know EXACTLY what you mean about not feeling good about yourself & not feeling attractive to the person you love so dearly. It’s incredibly difficult to feel like yourself when you’ve been betrayed by someone so close to you. By someone who’s supposed to have your back. But you’re still in there my love. It’s just a new scar, that’s all.

Like, it’s taken me months to even attempt this, but day by day lately, I’ve been stacking bricks, trying to build a wall between me & all that bullshit & hurt. Like I literally envision a wall. So yes, it is hard but it’s also doable. Even if it’s slow to happen.

You gotta remember/find out who you are outside of your relationship & outside of being cheated on. Yes, it changes you, it makes you angry & sad & sometimes it’s just agonizing to live with it but it’s not who we are at all. Being cheated on isn’t what defines us!

We are so much more than this shitty thing that happened to us. Sooo much more.

My angel, remember that you weren’t cheated on because you’re unattractive, unworthy, unlovable, or whatever. You’re gonna have to tell yourself this until you listen. Until you actually start believing it. This is legit one of the bricks for my wall & it’s going to be one of the most important ones tbh.

& yeah, this part is DEFINITELY easier said than done, but I’m closer to listening to that today than I was just last month. You’ll get there too. Biggest thing is, don’t rush. Healing takes time. Working on trusting again takes time. Working on feeling like yourself takes time. That’s okay. Believe me.

Next step to building that confidence back up is don’t fucking hate on yourself!!! My goodness, I struggle with this so every time I say that I’m just ugly or that he doesn’t love me I’m knocking a brick off my wall & I got to start over again. That’s unfair to ourselves. We can’t do that.

So every time you start hating on yourself you HAVE to make the conscious effort to quit that shit. Say something nice about yourself. I don’t care if it’s something like your earlobe is cute. Anything positive, no matter how small, is AUTOMATICALLY better than whatever hateful thing you’re saying at the moment. Work on that. Work on being nice to yourself because you’re already going through so much & without a doubt, you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve being cheated on. You wouldn’t say mean things to someone who is already hurting, so why do it to yourself?

Ask for help is the next thing on my list. Find people who boost your confidence & who you can vent to. A family member, your BFF, anyone. Ask them to be your hype man. To remind you how great you are. How fucking gorgeous & sweet you are, how damn funny & smart you are. This is especially important when you start falling into a self-hate spiral. It’s sooo easy to forget how others see us when someone so close changed the way you view yourself, but that positive reinforcement does do a lot. ((& yeah, you’re gonna be like bullshit a lot of the times, but it does help to hear it. Even if you only believe them for a minute, that’s one less minute of feeling horrible)).

You should also try to do all those things that make you feel good about yourself. The things that made you feel lovable & attractive. Whether that’s dressing up & going on a date or something more intimate & personal. Allow yourself to feel sexy in your own eyes & in the eyes of your partner.

Do the things that always seem to make your partner go wild for you (I know how cheesy this sounds😎). If they’re all like “daaaaaaamnnn,” that’s gonna feel pretty fucking good. Bask in those moments because you need that good feeling. It helps so much to feel like you’re fine as hell to your partner & if you find yourself no believing them, revert back to the above.

Also, you’re gonna have to tell your partner what you need from them. Specifically & generically. Like, that was the biggest thing for me & our relationship. I needed him to be an open book so he’s steady being open about who he’s talking to on his phone, what he’s doing on social media & so on & so forth. Like it’s gotten to the point where Im not always having to ask, he’ll just tell me. That helps build the trust back up.

I also asked him to do things that make me feel important & special again. Things that are outside of sex (this is so damn important). Like when he buys me flowers randomly or calls me beautiful when I least expect it, that feel so good. That helps me feel like I’m thought about, cared about, loved & special to him. It sounds basic but that’s what normal partners do & the goal is to feel normal within the relationship again.

You clearly love this person & want this relationship to workout so you’re also gonna need to remind yourself about how they used to make you feel. Like, at some point they made you feel like you were on top of the world. Hold on to those feelings & memories. REMIND YOURSELF THAT THE PERSON WHO MADE YOU FEEL SO GREAT IS STILL IN THERE!!! THAT THEY LOVE YOU FOR YOU!! THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!!!

Yes, a lot has changed & you’re gonna have to accept that things can’t go exactly back to the way they used to be. So you gotta work on a better tomorrow. A tomorrow where you can trust this person again. One where you feel normal & good & attractive again. Hold onto the good memories & make even better ones. This all helps you move forward, & that’s the whole point. I know you miss those good ol’ days but those aren’t the only ones that are going to matter & getting caught up on how things used to be is just gonna depress the hell outta you. Like I’ve made myself sick doing this & I’m trying like hell to stop doing it. It’s okay to miss how things were, but if you really want to move on, you got to accept that things have changed & that it can be a good thing.

Another great thing you can do for yourself is live up the moments you feel good. Like when you had a good day, hold onto that. Be excited about that. Be proud of e v e r y single moment that you didn’t think about yourself negatively or about being cheated on, because like I said, it isn’t what defines you.

There’s a lot you are going to have to work on personally. There’s also a lot you’ll have to work on together. You’re going to have to be open when you can & sometimes you’re just gonna have to wipe the tears & keep on keepin’ on. That shit is hard but it’s for you & your relationship. It can be worth it!

Don’t be so quick to doubt yourself & the impact you have on your partner. There is soooo many qualities of yours that would make anyone lucky to have you in their life & lemme tell you, they know this.

Soo if you gotta walk around like the cockiest mofo around in order to believe it, so be it. If that’s what helps get your confidence back up, shooooo then fake it till you make it boo.

It’s gonna take so much strength & courage from you to feel better & to feel like yourself again but it will happen. It’s gonna be agonizing at times & it’ll probably be slow too but progress is progress, no matter how much bullshit you go through to get there.

But, all in all my dear, you are smart, beautiful, kind, sweet, strong as fuck, & worth loving & if you need me to remind you of that, I will. Every day I will.

I want you to be happy & it’s okay to struggle with how you feel. Just know that that’s not the end of the road. This isn’t the only chapter that’s written in your book. You have to remember all the great things about you & that happens one day at time. So be patient. Be gentle with yourself & allow yourself time to heal.

You’ll feel like yourself again one day & you’ll feel attractive & good about yourself one day too. Just know you have my support & I know exactly how you feel so if you ever need to talk shugg, I am here for you.

So let me end all this with hopefully a smile because I’m gonna send you all the great, incredible love vibes your way sugaaaaah ��🔮💕💚💘

[dewitty1]

My one follower recommended your page lol.I see your friends with lots of cool people and writers. how do you get to do that? Did you just talk to them? Im new on tumbler and love drarry. who are your biggest followers and friends? do they follow you by asking? who is good to follow? thank!

Hello there, Anon!I'm sorry I sat on your ask for a bit the real world got in my way and I didn't get a chance to get to it, plus I was mulling over how to answer for a bit, if I'm being completely honest (which if you decide to follow me, you'll see that I always am, sometimes to the point of brutality).

One follower??? How do you only have one follower? Come out from behind anon and say hello, I won’t bite! Well, you know, unless you’re into that sort of thing *rawrrrr*

How did I become friends with writers, you ask? Well, it was difficult for me. I was a lurker in the fandom for a long time. Meaning, I just read fics, and sometimes the comments, but I never had the nerve to comment myself. I didn't really know there was fandom activity on Tumblr until a few years ago(2014-ish), when I started looking for fic recs. So, I started following a bunch of Drarry Tumblr blogs, @goldentruth813 was one of the first authors and Drarry blogs I followed. She's great. From there I just started following other blogs, and authors who left their Tumblr links in their AO3 fic notes. 

But how did you get to talk to them, you ask??? Well, that's when I found out about the Drarry Discord chat from @carpemermaidtales! It's a good way for you to go and meet the authors,and other fandom people, because Tumblr is a terrible platform for actually having a conversation with people. I must warn you though,sometimes the chat can be very busy, and its hard to get a word in, and sometimes its very dead. It just really depends on your time zone, your working hours, your sleep habits, and whatnot. Also if may not be a good fit for you. It wasn't for me after a while. It can be overwhelming if you have social anxiety. Also,like any other place, it can be a bit cliquey. I don't think anyone does it on purpose. It's just how people are. Everyone is very nice, though. Hopefully me saying that out loud doesn't come back to bite me in the ass,but it probably will. 😬 Oh well, brutal honesty, right? Also, the Discord is great for you if you're working on writing yourself. They have all kinds of great helpful things there, activity rooms, production sprints, Brit picking, fest talk, beta help, and cool stuff like that. So, its a good place overall, really. Ok, biggest followers and friends-Well the friend I’ve had the longest here would be Dave, aka @pleasantlyhumongouspizza. We’ve been friends since I got on twitter in 2008 or so. He’s even on my Facebook (YIKES) so he really knows too much about me.My Tumblr daughter is @rose-grangerweasleyisbae. I scolded her about not doing homework or something on one of her drabbles, and I’ve been Tumblr Mom ever since.She’s a good daughter! And a fabulous writer! Her work is really coming along well. I’m uber proud of her, as if I were really her mom. I don’t mind being called Mom. I’m open for more youngins to come talk to me. I’ve since been adopted by a few more - @oolaan (vents to me very often. I try to give good advice.) & @chaoticbong (shes buckling down and studying hard on hiatus right now).Other good friends -Sam - @xx-thedarklord-xx Love her writing! It’s almost always fluffy. She does not do much angst or character death (like once and it STILL had a happy ending). And of course you can’t have Sam without Ren her bestie, @rmh8402, she ships Drarry, but also Frostiron (Tony Stark/Loki) so be warned, there. She works nights  here in the USA so can be hard to catch if you want to talk but usually has good stuff on her blog.Then there’s one of my favorite authors @lqtraintracks, who write fab fics, usually with amazing smut, and her girlfriend, @whipmyhairlikebangbang, who shares my love of Gal Gadot, and is a fic writer herself.Can’t forget @femmequixotic & @noeeon a couple who is definitely GOALS if there ever was. Love them both! And their Erised fic last year was AMAZE! OMG! Also if you’re not reading Tales From The Special Branch Series, then what are you doing?Another power couple I love would be @camael-fanart & @skarhead. I don’t talk to them as much as I’d like, unfortunately, but you definitely need to follow them if you aren’t.If you’re not following @llap115 then you are really missing out on a good fandom friend too. Amazing art, and very supportive.Another fab friend and artist is @scarlet47. Lover her, her art rocks. Also she posts kittens, lol...Then there’s my favorite kitten (*only I can call her that though mmmkay?) @parkkate. Lovely, gorgeous, friend, that I keep curled up in my pocket, safe and warm. Oh and she writes as well, lol....My lovely Aussies- @jadepresley who was the first fic writer to follow me back and I think I screamed out loud and startled my cat. @queenofthyme who has probably the best blog, and writes lovely fluffy works as well. @henrymercury, gorgeous Hannah who sings like an angel and rocks a fantastic suit, not to mention writes some great fics. Oh and follow @fleamontpotter for hilarious comics.Follow @bixgirl1 and for great writing as well - Lemme tell you, The Claiming of Grimmauld Place - I was trying to tell my son how funny Paul was, about him eating Bertie Bott’s and calling our boys “Fruckers”, watching them shag, lol... I about died laughing and he just looked at me like I was nuts. LOL.You really can’t have Bix and not have @l0vegl0wsinthedark. It’d be like popcorn and no butter or salt. Blegh. L0ve is an awesome writer too, and has a great blog. 

Okay from here I think I’ll just post other blogs I think you should follow because this post is really long, lol---

@staganddragon Love her, but we don’t talk enough anymore, and i miss her A LOT!! Same goes for @pukingpastilles @puking-pastilles. Follow @insufferable-git aka @scarheads-malfoy because Rachel is beautiful inside and out and her Draco is perfect. Follow @jesreally & @askdoratonks Because Jes is lovely and does amazing RP though we’ve never talked. If you want leftist political stuff (I DO) follow @eidheann, butshe posts other interesting things too, though if you follow me I usually just reblog her anyway, lol. Follow @magpiefngrl for more fab Drarry writing, as well as @callingdrarry and also because Gracie is hella funny, and I adore her to bits. If you like cool Aesthetic stuff as well as interesting HP rarepairs follow @untilourapathy, Gwen is fab tooo! I’ve probably left a bunch out and have made someone feel bad because I did and if so I’m sorry, but my brain is shit, because I don’t sleep. and it’s basically filled with song lyrics, and movie quotes, and other uselesstrash that nobody cares about. So anon, I REALLY hop that gives you a good idea about who to follow, because if not, then IDEKWTF to tell you, lol...

for now BUH BYE!

[angelrunners]

So Earl Grey cookie drops soon. And im gonna play crob like mad when he does. Just shut everyone out. If you need to talk to me during then, feel free to pm me but don't expect a speedy reply.

Im stressed to shit and im not ok mentally or physically. So im shoving everyone away when i get him. Because hot damn i need a break from people using me. Im so fucking tired of people only coming to me when they need something. Then they ignore when i hint or even flat out say im not in a good place to help.

Like its funny to say this. But this update is what's kept me from trying to take my life. Yeah that's silly. But when you've sat alone in the void and everything gets so much worse. And there is no cure for what your body does. And anyone you reach out to just fucking pushes you then demands you give them lots of support and love. Shit gets to me. That and something really severe happened Christmas eve last year and im still traumatized.

But no i have to be the guy who smiles and gives positive bullshit 24/7. I love to smother people in good vibes. But itd be nice if people could ask if im ok. Or at least fucking stop coming to me like im a therapist. Dude i literally have people who encourage me to kill myself. No its not internet shit either. Real life people who i see face to face. Its draining me.

Like earl grey is my comfort character. And all my writing of him that i do is just him being a sweetheart boy. And i just....man i need that shit.

Im one fucking person here. I give people resources but they just fucking scream how they're there for me so I'm being a bitch. Dude im literally so stressed that im fully numb. Im having blackouts and my trembles are getting deadly severe again. I cannot fucking handle someone else's problems. Especially when these people do not give a shit about ME.

And if anyone trashes me for using cookie run as a reason to not kill myself. Suck my ass. Because i was supposed to be dead 5 years ago over having to deal with all this bullshit ive been forced through. Yes i binge in game. Yes i audibly swoon over the game and in every video i make you can hear my emotions.

I just want some nice feels for once. And people always ask me what i want then if i deny my sad emotions. They take that as "ok so your fine. Lemme fuck with you." Like dude STOP.

I know venting here aint doing shit. But its 11:22pm i work in a few hours. Stress is making me want to cry. And i cannot sleep from how severe the stress is.

Ya boi aint ok.

- Lilac

[monotype-on-phantom]

i didnt want to say this before but man.. Danny kind of.. sucks, at least in the heart of canon. i get that he's young and learns "Those Valuable Lessons" and but people dont acknowledge most of this douchebag's shitty antics cause he's a cute boy or whatever. although Danny has a very excellent premise for a character, he is sincere sometimes, but overall its not executed well. he falls into too many awful high school tropes

i guess im glad people are making use of his character premise by reading too closely than the show intended, or by making content of their own interpretations. but we cant ignore that he is quite a goddamned piece of hell shit who i fucking hate in the real show sometimes. i feel there’s just too much emphasis on a character and show that wasn’t well crafted and well managed to begin with. its kinda sad when all the hate is somehow directed towards other characters like Sam.

it feels like most people are praising him and the overall show for what they imagine it to be instead of what it actually is. srsly this awful goddamned fuckboy sells stuff garage lab items he aint supposed to just to buy some fucking clothes??? uses ghost powers to spy girls in their locker room?? he fuckin destroys ghost writer’s writing and then doesnt feel sorry about it just cause it’s christmas-related and he’s so pissy about it.

so.. yeah. i dont get why people think he’s literal kid Jesus and always wants to protect this little fucker. he puts himself in alot of mess. the “D” on his suit stands for “dick”, bc that’s what he is.  i want to beat him up sometimes

Okay.

Normally, I delete all character hate on sight, because the point of my blog is to focus on the show’s strengths and how the weaknesses could’ve been done better. I get critical sometimes, but I like focusing on a characters’ strengths rather than their poor writing and garbage like that.

This was so long, detailed, and harsh that it’s really hard to ignore. Maybe I should. Stick to my guns and not let some anonymous rant change how I work. You came to me, though, so if you want to debate this, then alright. I’ll bite.

First off, who in the fandom is portraying Danny as a kid Jesus? Maybe it’s just the circles I’m familiar with, but one of the most reblogged posts that pops up in my notifications is one with a ton of additions arguing why Danny totally deserves to suffer. The majority of the fandom loves tormenting this kid. Even those that do say he needs to be protected never claim he has no flaws. Far from it. They just acknowledge he has it hard for a kid and he deserves a break sometimes.

Second, have you ever…met a 14 year old? As someone who spent most of his career life working with kids and who is the oldest of 5 (with one brother who’s turning 14 this November), lemme tell you that the main trio are saints for their age.

People talk about the terrible twos, but 14 year olds are so much worse. I’m not slamming them, because it makes sense. They’re in a tough transition period between childhood and adulthood. Adults tell them to act more mature, but refuse to acknowledge their voices in serious situations. Middle school and high school are cutthroat places, and one mistake can ruin the entirety of the four-six years you spend there. They’re pressured to get good grades or they’ll fail, they have to be part of the cool crowd or they’ll fail, and people are more likely to blame them for whatever goes wrong in their lives than anything that goes on around them.

Doesn’t change the fact that they can be little demons sometimes. With all the hormones and drama, young teenagers can be really emotional and make problems bigger than they seem. They can be harsh and judgmental, because that’s the environment they’re being exposed to. They need guidance, but they don’t want it. They argue with adults and to some, it seems like they want to make their own lives miserable. They can be tough to work with unless you’re willing to take them as seriously as they take themselves, and most people don’t want to bother.

There are shitty things Danny does in canon, but that’s true for literally every fourteen year old. And heck, are you telling me you didn’t do some ridiculously stupid stuff at that age? I actually stole money from my folks to buy something I wanted. My group of friends frequently set stuff on fire in their backyards. And fuck, nobody can prove Danny was spying on girls in the locker room. While I think the scene is shit and refuse to accept it as canon, all we see is Danny coming out of the locker room. He could’ve been just looking to see what it was like in there. Nothing says there were actually girls in there. But I’m so sick of talking about that shit scene, so I’m gonna leave it at that.

Danny has flaws. He can be selfish and petty and inconsiderate. But really? You wanna beat him up for that?

Are you forgetting that he canonically already does get beaten up every single episode? Whether it’s by ghosts, bullies, his own goddam parents, or whatever, getting beat up is something he’s familiar with.

The reason some fans cut him some slack is because, hey, yeah. He is a kid, and you know what? He’s entitled to be a dick sometimes. He loses sleep every night, almost dies on a daily basis, has his dreams ripped away from him often, and is picked on at school. Despite all of that, he still fights ghosts to keep his town safe, and he’s under no obligation to do that. He saves lives, even when people hate him for it. He puts himself in danger, even for those who are cruel to him. He tries to use his powers for the right reason more often than not, and he’ll take the high road against his bully because he feels like he shouldn’t stoop to his level.

We acknowledge that canon can be shit. We acknowledge that sometimes, Danny’s writing makes him out to be a dick. At the “heart of canon,” though, as you so eloquently put it, he’s the kid who risked his life for a little girl he barely knew that nobody else would miss. He’s the one who saves the lives of his own bully, the teacher who used to be so hard on him, and the parents he fully believes would cut him open if they knew what he was. He’s the one who could so easily be Vlad, but instead he tries his best to be a hero.

You’re under no obligation to like him, and you don’t have to ignore the shitty parts of canon like some of us do. I do it just because I enjoy thinking about what the show could’ve been, not what it was. You don’t have to do that, though.

But really, are you going to march into your nearest high school and beat the shit out of the first kid you see messing up? Seriously? You honestly think that the mistakes Danny makes outweigh the good he’s constantly trying to do enough that he deserves that? Even when he already gets beat up in every single episode already?

Well, fine. That’s your pessimistic opinion. It’s not fact, though. How many cartoons do you watch? You gonna beat up Timmy Turner and Jimmy Neutron, too? They can be right assholes. What about Jake Long? He’s a shallow, obnoxious, irresponsible kid a lot of the time. Sure, he’s just 13, but why should we show mercy to kids who mess up? Serena/Usagi from Sailor Moon? Yeah, let’s ignore all the people defending her and just focus on the fact that the show makes her a dumb kid who doesn’t have enough backbone to immediately become the savior of the galaxy. Come to think of it, where’s your rant about Dash Baxter? Or is he not popular enough for you to rag on?

Perfect characters aren’t the ones who are the most upstanding. They’re the ones who are realistic and flawed. So Danny sells his parents stuff. So he sneaked into the girls’ locker room. So he took out his anger on an innocent person.

I’m not saying any of those things weren’t wrong, what I’m saying is that kids make fucking mistakes. And sometimes, they’re huge ones. Sometimes, kids get curious and break into a house. Sometimes they get hungry at the store and shoplift. Sometimes they lie and cheat and make fun of each other. Sometimes they can be perverted little leaches.

So fucking what? We’ve all been there. We all need to learn and grow.

And seriously, if you’re going to be one of those people who gives Sam a break, don’t turn around and start criticizing Danny for the same shitty writing he sometimes gets. That hypocrisy is exactly why I so adamantly defend Sam.

I don’t know what you wanted to accomplish with these asks. Maybe you just wanted to vent. Maybe you were looking to stir up drama. Maybe you don’t know what you wanted and you just sent these asks randomly without any real reason.

Regardless of what you think, I’m still gonna enjoy my fucking fictional character, even if I don’t always agree with how he’s written. I relate to him, his struggles, and even his mistakes. You have fun ripping on characters people like because you don’t think they should be allowed to make mistakes, but let the rest of us have our fun, too. You’re not helping anyone with this, so maybe just fuck off, m’kay?

Being stupidly nice is kind of my thing, but I’m tired of putting up with this self righteous crap. Let characters fuck up. Let fans rewrite things they don’t like. Let people enjoy their fucking cartoon, because they aren’t hurting anyone. I’ve yet to find a single phan who considers the DP cartoon to be completely canon anyway. They enjoy it for the fan content or the few really spot on episodes. We’re already aware that there’s shitty stuff in there, and we don’t need you to tell us.

If I ever get any asks like this that rip on characters for stupid, petty reasons again, I’m deleting them on sight. That was my initial plan anyway, but I really needed to say my piece here.

Tumblr, maybe stop being such judgmental pieces of fucking shit, okay? You’ll accomplish nothing good by being so harsh toward anything that doesn’t fit your standard of “perfect.”

[verdigrisprowl]

Feb 7 Blurr’s Horror Stream - IT

Only Blurr and Soundwave showed up. The stream kinda stopped being IC halfway through.

Welcome to the 'speedxstealer' room. The chat room has been cleared by the moderator. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Peek.* B l u r r: / Here he is. Arriving in all of his pirate style / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Will follow in and park himself. No minis tonight. Rumble and Frenzy are on balcony washing duty.* B l u r r: [[ okay. got my foood. I haven't eaten all day yikes ]] B l u r r: / wiggles claws at Soundwave / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Bob bob.* B l u r r: Good to see you, as usual. B l u r r: mechlets busy today, hn? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Mechs, full. And, yes. They're busy seeing the error of their recent ways.]] B l u r r: Oh? Punishment, hnn? K-Kyehehheh. Got into trouble? B l u r r: [[ lemme know when y'all are ready! ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((ready whenevs)) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Quite a bit.]] B l u r r: A pity. I certainly hope they're easy to educate? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Sometimes.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[This particular incident's a bit of a repeat. Work in progress.]] B l u r r: Ah, a repeat offense, then? K-Kyeheheh. B l u r r: They'll learn eventually, I'm sure. So long as the punishment is something they hate. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You'd think that.]] B l u r r: Do they enjoy getting punished then? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You'd think that.]] B l u r r: / shrugs slightly/  Teaching is a concept I'm well versed in, though I admit, not EVERY mech is able to be educated. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[In truth, he would not change them too much. But he would prefer they targeted someone other than him.]] B l u r r: Ahh... pranked you, hn? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Mhm.]] B l u r r: K-Kyeheheheh. Well, that's not /so/ bad. BoneAndHook: ((what is this?)) B l u r r: [[ In the Heights ]] B l u r r: [[ it makes me an emotional meSS but here we are ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He's considering turning the tables on at least one of them. Rumble is typically the ringleader. A dating application for him might be amusing.]] B l u r r: K-Kyehheeheh. You want to prank them back? Sounds amusing. I've got down time. If you need some help with that. BoneAndHook: ((feel free to start, i'm not feeling up to hauling a structie in at the minute but i might later in the movie)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Turns his head to the side. He's... not so sure he wants help from a murderer like Blurr.* B l u r r: [[ okie dokie. ] B l u r r: / Hey, a murderer and then some. / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Especially after the talk with Prowl.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...He'll think about it. But he should be capable of it himself.]] B l u r r: / shrugs a shoulder / If you'd like. B l u r r: We're currently in a lull. Stocking up on supplies before our next chase. B l u r r: We've got quite the lead on a relic, you see. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[What relic would that be?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *If he hears one more person talk about the blasted Covenant...* B l u r r: Hnnh... what was it called? B l u r r: / fiddling through datapads / The speed ring was one thing... then we located another. Some sort of... giant hammer from Malgus. ItsyBitsySpyers: *THAT?* [[Good luck with that one.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Try not to let yourself get boxed in.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soft huffing.* B l u r r: K-KYAHAHAHA!! I'm not that idiot. B l u r r: I wouldn't get stuck. Besides... if it's not worth grabbing, there are /other/ things in that universe. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[There are.]] B l u r r: [[ honestly tho like is this what people do in these back country towns? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Vent snort.* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((well i mean the story was originally set in the 50s, paper boats -were- a thing)) B l u r r: [[... true. i am a fool ]] B l u r r: [[ captions are okay, right? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((captions are very helpful)) B l u r r: [[ okie! ]] B l u r r: / snort / I hear their Magnus is out of commission anyway... B l u r r: Now the hammer sits in the hands of some... idiot. Or was it Optimus? I can't recall. B l u r r: [[ this guy deserves an award 4 how creepy he is ]] BoneAndHook: ((he does)) B l u r r: [[ cause i am terrified of clowns ] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((well you're in for fun tonight)) B l u r r: [[ but IT never scared me ??? Like. IDK B l u r r: Maybe it's because I know he's not really a clown?? ] B l u r r: [[ ALSO IM SORRY BUT Have you guys seen the freaking second take of this scene?? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Startled.* BoneAndHook: ((YES)) B l u r r: [[DSNFKADFS ]] B l u r r: [[ THE ONE WHERE HE GETS THE BOAT? ?] ] BoneAndHook: ((yes lmao)) B l u r r: [[ I was wheezing. ]] B l u r r: [[ ' shiit ' ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Does Earth have an Underworld of its own?]] B l u r r: Earth? Not that I know of... B l u r r: Well... I do know of SOME places. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Such as?]] B l u r r: Well, there's been a few anomolies we've detected. B l u r r: I know that the Earth in my universe has a belief of the Underworld, but there's so many different things people believe. B l u r r: [[ oh my god I thought that was the actor for Carl Grimes for ten seconds and I was like wHAT ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Rude.]] B l u r r: But, I /have/ found something. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Go on.]] B l u r r: It's a little hard to get to, but if you give me some time... I could show you. B l u r r: I bet you would enjoy it. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Possibly. He's willing to see what it is.]] B l u r r: I've been there only once. It was a complete mistake. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And?]] B l u r r: It's something I think you would like. B l u r r: It has a lot of... color. B l u r r: / wiggles claws/ and music! B l u r r: [[ oh hELL NAH KID RUN ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Is it that tiny alternate toy of his.]] B l u r r: No no. B l u r r: It's an Earth I've never been to before. B l u r r: We stopped by to seek out some resources, but I ended up getting into a bit of trouble. B l u r r: What else is new, right? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Huff.* B l u r r: / smirks and leans forward / But this place. Well, if you're into music, you'd love it. Even /I/ liked the way it looked. B l u r r: And, you know me, I'm a fan of dark and gloomy. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Are you going to hint all night or do you intend to tell him?]] B l u r r: [[ I am A) not used to seeing this kid outside of Stranger tThings and B) not used to the glasses ]] B l u r r: ... Well, I don't know what it's CALLED. B l u r r: They call it the Land of the Dead. Very typical. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[-No.-]] B l u r r: No? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[No. He goes nowhere the dead rule.]] B l u r r: Oh, please. They don't RULE. B l u r r: They just... it's like a whole city. B l u r r: They even have jobs. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Suspicious as all hell.* B l u r r: Listen, I don't usually go where the dead walk either, but it isn't something as scary as it seems. B l u r r: Or unsettling. Whatever you'd like to call it. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Corrupted.]] B l u r r: That, too. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((also: stream ded)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((pennywise too scary, gave up the ghost)) B l u r r: [[ i pause it ]] B l u r r: [[ is it back? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((ye)) B l u r r: [[ its good, yeah? ]] BoneAndHook: ((lagging tho. only JUST paused)) B l u r r: [[ want me to reset it ? ]] BoneAndHook: ((nah, it's technically looking okay)) B l u r r: [[ lemme know if it isn't ]] B l u r r: [[ it's dropping it isnt it? ]] BoneAndHook: ((no, it's fine)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((sorry i had to grab drink)) B l u r r: [[ no worries. Welcome back! ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Irreverent, isn't he.]] B l u r r: I suppose. B l u r r: [[ it's a no for me, dog. I would not go in there ] B l u r r: [[ not without two bottles of pink fairies and a sword ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Armor clamps down.* B l u r r: / reaches over and pat / ItsyBitsySpyers: **Human terrorcons. No better than their own kind.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *SMACK the hand away. Do not touch.* B l u r r: / B( / B l u r r: / wiggles claws at and settles back in seat / B l u r r: [[ eW ??? fsbhgjsf EW ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((creepo)) B l u r r: [[ so gross ]] B l u r r: [[ I always hated her dad, too fbgjkfdss ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Why is that on the television.]] B l u r r: who knows? Human television is weird. B l u r r: [[ awww she's cute with short hair ]] BoneAndHook: ((giiirl nooooo don't put it in the sink, it's gonna clog the drain and then you have filthy nasty wet hair clogging it up)) B l u r r: [[ i knoooow it's gross ]] B l u r r: [[ true horror of the night: the government shut down again ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((lord)) BoneAndHook: ((at least they can pass fewer shiitty laws while they're closed)) B l u r r: [[ truth ] BoneAndHook: ((i like that wild musical interlude)) B l u r r: [[ yesss ]] B l u r r: [[ they aged the kids up for this movie, eh? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((no idea)) B l u r r: [[ Honestly, I haven't read the book in so long, so I dunno ]] BoneAndHook: ((don't put your eye over the talking drain ffs)) B l u r r: [[ nah fam. nAH ]] BoneAndHook: ((don't you know what's down there? HAIR)) B l u r r: EW DONT OPEN YOUR MOUTH  ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((god this grosses me out so bad)) B l u r r: [[ IM SORRY ;A; ]] BoneAndHook: ((ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((lmao it's okay)) B l u r r: [[ to be fAIR I have never seen this ]] B l u r r: [[ i mean not this version ]] BoneAndHook: ((and both of us have lmao)) B l u r r: [[ oh yeah , i forgot. lmao ]] BoneAndHook: ((there's something in this movie for everyone and FOR ME IT'S HAIR)) B l u r r: [[ i thought something was going to go in her eye tbfh ]] B l u r r: [ i had a leg up in defensE ]] BoneAndHook: ((i had an arm up to block it and i still gagged lmao)) B l u r r: [[ big mood ]] B l u r r: [[ NAH FAM I SAW THIS PART IN A PREVIEW NAH THIS IS SOME CLOWNERY ]] BoneAndHook: ((if i had been in her place i would have just. thrown up the moment the tape measure came up with hair on it. just. straight into the sink. it would have been like "the FVCK")) B l u r r: [[ truth ]] B l u r r: [[ how do people take him seriously with the goofy eyes. He got TFP Megatron eye syndrome ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((it's supposed to be extra alienating or somethin)) B l u r r: [[ im wheezing ]] BoneAndHook: ((yeah it helps give IT away as a lure rather than a real person)) B l u r r: [[ i like it. ]] B l u r r: [[ but i keep snorting ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((nobody's gonna bribe the kid on the steps to shush?)) B l u r r: [[ first of all, they are cleaning all of that wrong ]] BoneAndHook: ((didn't the kid come in with them?)) B l u r r: [[ nah richie is outside ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((no no there was richie as lookout but also some kid on the steps)) B l u r r: [[ ooh. ]] BoneAndHook: ((no the one who was waiting on the steps, i thought i saw them get up and follow them in. i wasn't paying attention to which one it was)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((i'm not sure now)) B l u r r: [[ she's a cute kid ]] B l u r r: [[ just drop ur bikes in the street wtf ] B l u r r: [[ i can't fdbkda ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((HELL NO not this)) B l u r r: [[ is there a thing i should know? ]] BoneAndHook: ((yes. hold onto ur seat.)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((literally)) B l u r r: [[ gsbhjfksd ]] B l u r r: [[ thats not helpful ]] BoneAndHook: ((here we go)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((*crawls under blanket*)) B l u r r: [[ see, i can dig this version of this movie a lot ]] B l u r r: [[ I appreciate its appeal ]] B l u r r: [[ bRO WHY WOULD YOU GO ]] B l u r r: [[ nah faqm im good fjks ]] BoneAndHook: ((u just know IT heard "scared of clowns" and went "oh this one's gonna be so easy")) B l u r r: [[ me tbh ]] BoneAndHook: ((me getting out of bed in the morning)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((LMAO)) B l u r r: [[ LMAO ] B l u r r: [[ well, don't be scared of it, u fool ]] B l u r r: [[ u go, bill. u fight that *** ]] B l u r r: [[ he is not gonna shoot that fuccking cat, is he ]] B l u r r: [[ im gonna scream ]] B l u r r: [ please tell me if he does or not because i can't watch that shyte. ]] BoneAndHook: ((i don't remember if he gets it)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((iirc no)) BoneAndHook: ((... notice we see this weirdass show in the houses of abusive parents)) B l u r r: [[ right ? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((didn't catch that before)) B l u r r: [[ why would u hide in the bathroom ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((so you can do that)) B l u r r: [[wow guess who missed all of that ] B l u r r: [[ because this dang woman had to yell at me to put one fuckking bowl away ]] BoneAndHook: ((you can rewind if you want)) B l u r r: [[ nah it's fine ]] BoneAndHook: ((dad followed her into the bathroom, she was hiding behind the tub curtain)) B l u r r: [[ i saw up to when she hit him ]] BoneAndHook: ((he fell down and died, she tried to walk out the bathroom door, IT grabbed her throat)) B l u r r: ahh ]]] BoneAndHook: ((we cut to bill out in the park, probably waiting for bev, but she doesn't come so he goes to her house. finds dad dead in the bathroom and YOU DIE IF YOU TRY written on the ceiling in blood)) B l u r r: got it ]] BoneAndHook: ((and now the avengers are assembling and you're caught up)) B l u r r: [[ sweet ]] B l u r r: thank ]] B l u r r: [[ well this shows his collection and hideout better ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((what's really behind slendy's mask)) BoneAndHook: ((LMAO)) BoneAndHook: ((it's an accurate amount of teeth)) B l u r r: lmaooo ]] B l u r r: [[ thats stanley. Always causing issues. ]] B l u r r: [[ i remember that from the book ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((CRIMINY, CATS DID YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE THIS MOMENT TO BOTH STARTLE)) B l u r r: [[ omg ]]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((hfff i'm so tired but i wanna see the rest)) B l u r r: [[ it says it's almost over ]] BoneAndHook: ((we're close!!)) BoneAndHook: ((i was so terrified that georgie wasn't going to start moving again)) B l u r r: [[ omg ]] BoneAndHook: ((i was like "oh no what if IT left him alive as bait and he kILLED THE REAL ONE")) B l u r r: [[ right? ]] B l u r r: [[ *has flashbacks to boggarts* ]] B l u r r: [[ Sequel is this or next year I think ]] B l u r r: [ anywaYS. Thanks for dealing with me for a lil while with the horror filmies. Next week is horror aND cute ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((yaaaay)) B l u r r: [[ HOPEFULLY I can squeeze both in. ]] B l u r r: [[ neither movie is terribly long ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((we shall see! but for now.... zzz)) B l u r r: [[ but thank y'all for coming! ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((yw!)) B l u r r: <3 ]] BoneAndHook: ((ty for hosting!))

[captainjellyroll]

IM GONNA try this thing where ppl answer asks in bulk or smth??? idk- LETS GO!!

these are all asks that i got (when i asked for ppl to tell me any personality flaws i have; so i can become a better person) aaaand truthfully, i thought i was gonna get a few weird ones (aka mean ones). but, i consider myself a pretty open-minded person, so i took any asks that i got w/ a grain of salt bwahaha

i know none of these have the intention of being a personal attack, so none of these offend me in any way. i really do appreciate the feedback from y’all, it helps a lot!!

truthfully-- they are all very sweet and more nicer “roasts” than anything. if anything else; they seem more like compliments (which i dont mind, but wasnt what i was really looking for-- i guess i was kinda looking for harsher reality checks but instead i got these haha). but nonetheless, i am grateful for these, so thank you!

lets get into the nitty-gritty, shall we~? (more under the cut if it interests you LOL)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

disclaimer: i realize that most of my answers may sound like im being defensive, but i do take any critiques to heart. i am 100% listening to you guys and learning. but i do have some points id like to further explain or debunk. i hope you understand!!

aaaaand w/o further ado;; lets do this..!! //cracks fingers

1) i appreciate you read my FAQ haha. but what you are implying is that i DONT go to any friends for help. or that i even HAVE friends irl to begin with. i think you assume that i come to tumblr to vent all the time, when in truth-- tumblr is one of my last resort places i go to vent. i start with online friends who seem to care enough, then i make my way to my private twitter if i need to. i DO go to other people first who have some impact on me, and most of the time i DO NOT vent here. but when i do-- it means im at my last resort. i dont have any “irl friends” to go to. all of my medical help is in california. i have literally no where to turn to besides the internet.

when i vent here- 9/10 im just screaming into the void hoping someone will give me validation or sympathy. im not asking for any real help besides for someone to listen. thats all. if i need more, i will mention it. if not-- just listening helps me. thats all.

2) i would like for you to further explain what this means?? or if this is referencing to smth i said? again, i would like to consider myself a very open-minded or reasonable person, and im always changing and growing, whether it be in opinions or viewpoints. i think as a human, we evolve as we live on. idk, im re-reading this one over and over and i cant seem to see what you are trying to say. sorry!!

3) i agree with this one the most. i feel like if im too arrogant of my work, i will never get better. but.... i do admit that im getting to that point where i dislike what i do so much so that i dont enjoy it. and thats a really shitty feeling, lemme tell ya... so, ill try and love myself more-- but i dont believe at all that im a good artist. maybe decent, but im no top tier. i WANT to be there, and i WANT to be able to stand side-by-side w/ my senpais and truely believe i belong there, but... i dont see it. and i can admit that im not a perfect artist. i might be overrated, tbh. thats just my personal feelings on it. everyone’s eyes are different, and in my eyes, im not anything special. and im not being humble either, i really believe that. YOU may see that im pretty good, but other people may not. you get me?

but, thank you for saying so. <3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

ALRIGHTY folks thats enough rambling for today-- again, thank you for these asks, ill definitely think about them c:

[rurounidrift]

Jan 11 Blurr’s Horror Stream - I Am Not a Serial Killer

Drift helped zip-tie people together.

Also, he finally gave Blurr the coordinates to his alternate and Ratchet, so Blurr can pass them on to Tarn to kill.

Welcome to the 'speedxstealer' room. The chat room has been cleared by the moderator. Drift: *drift has arrived Early As Hell tonight* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave and the group nod to Drift from his couch.* B l u r r: / here he comes, stumbling in and hopping on a mangled leg / Whirl: *trotting right behind him, keeping a close eye on Blurr in case he topples* Drift: ... Good mission? Whirl: *also, he looks next to nothing like himself. Also there is just a straight up hole punched in his side. Just right through him* Drift: *so, REALLY good mission* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave leans back slightly at the sight of you two.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Why are you not both in the medbay?]] B l u r r: / hops a little and tries to step on his pede / It wasn't even a mission Drift: Heroic rescue trip. Whirl: Hell yeah it went well! B l u r r: Not a hero /hisses and yanks some wiring out of his leg / Drift: *starts rummaging around in his pockets. He's got a hole punch and zip ties somewhere.* Whirl: And we're fine, we're fine. We're on the ship, that's good enough. Drift: Don't, don't—leave that in there. It's supposed to be on the inside. B l u r r: *it's B l u r r: It's hurting. So, t's coming out. Whirl: Oh, no, don't let him fool you. He's a hero. He's a COMPLETE hero. One undred percent. B l u r r: .. /hisses at Whirl / Drift: It'll hurt more if you tug on it. B l u r r: ... /sulks / ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HEY! YOU LISTEN TO 'IM. DON'T BE PULLIN' THAT SCRAP OUT.\\ Whirl: *rattles his long new rotors in reply. He isn't even slighlty admonished* B l u r r: / rolls optic and moves to sit down. Flops. / ItsyBitsySpyers: \\THEY AIN'T HURT YA BAD ENOUGH FOR RIPPIN' IT OUT THEIR OWN SELVES, THEY DON'T GET YA DOIN' IT FOR 'EM.\\ Whirl: Listen to Frenzy, Teach. Besides, the less you rip up now, the more HE gets to step on. Whirl: *sly look* If you know what I mean. Drift: Frenzy, you wanna come help patch him up? I can close the holes up. *holds up zip ties* B l u r r: ... /gets an odd expression/ Pits I just want him to crush my throat with his servo... Drift: *looks at Whirl* You're not getting out of getting patched up too. Whirl: *SNICKERS and pats Blurr's shoulder with one huge claw* I know, Teach. I know. B l u r r: / grumbles / We have yet to find him... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy "mutters" something about crushing something else if these two get filled with rust and goes to help Drift* Airachnid: [sneaks in] Whirl: *waves Drift off, turning to approach his hammock dubiously. He's still not 100% adjusted to all this new armor and doesn't trust his balance* I'll be fine. Just get me a sock or something. Shockbox: /he arrives at last. anyone who knew him well enough could tell from the way he moved that he was exhausted, but damn if he wasn't going to get his weekly dose of human media enrichment. Whirl: *bobs his head to Airachnid--though she might not present recognize Whirl, as he looks Extremely Different* B l u r r: / waves a claw at Airachnid / Drift: Oh no. I'm patching you up. You've got a gaping hole. B l u r r: /snickers at Whirl / Drift: ((it's still spinning for me. why..... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave bobs his helm at the small Shockwave.* B l u r r: [[ it might be LS. Apparently LS is, as always, experiencing problems ]] Airachnid: [waves in return and takes her normal position in the back] Drift: ((is it for anyone else?)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((how many tabs you got open? it's workin fine here...)) Airachnid: yeah same)) Drift: ((less than usual)) Airachnid: yeah same)) Drift: ((then I'm the lucky duck. SIGH)) Shockbox: /he registers the nod after a few seconds, and nods back. on his way to his usual seat, he grabs a small bowl of energon goods. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Long project?]] Whirl: *sloowly testing the hammock, pushing on it, leaning on it, etc* It's not GAPING. And it's not bleeding any more, it's fine. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((try incognito???)) Drift: ((there it goes)) Whirl: ((brb, i must clean up a spill, assume Wghirl is like. Hilariously slowly getting into this hammock* Drift: ((i refreshed)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((aaaaaay)) B l u r r: [[ yaaay ]] B l u r r: [[ lemme know when yall are back / ready ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((ready when y'all are)) Shockbox: (( my body may be exhausted, but it is still ready. )) Airachnid: my head's stuffed up but I'll be fine. Eventually)) Shockbox: So, I presume the protagonist of this series is, in fact, not a serial killer? B l u r r: / anyway. Will watch Drift and Frenzy work on Whirl with an amused expression / B l u r r: I'm not sure. I've never seen this one. Being on Earth again has updated my horror library. Shockbox: ((*film, not series )) Shockbox: I suppose we shall find out for ourselves, then. Whirl: ((OK BACK)) B l u r r: Mm yes, I think so. /twisting wiring around his digits from his leg / I'm thrilled. Drift: You never know, he might be lying. Whirl: *HE IS IN THE HAMMOCK, success. He can't lounge though because his new rotor array is on his back, so he just sits up* B l u r r: [[ OKAY is everyone here / ready?? ]] Whirl: ((ye!)) Shockbox: (( like 9000 ready. )) B l u r r: [[ Puff, is it working for you okay now? ]] Whirl: *looks to Airachnid* Didn't see you at the movie night on Monday. Drift: ((ye)) Airachnid: I just hope there's a decent amount of human blood. Airachnid: I was otherwise engaged. Airachnid: aka MY F*CKING INTERNET WENT OUT)) B l u r r: [[ rUDE ]] Shockbox: (( awh....you missed shockwave night...)) Whirl: Ohh, if you wanna see some human blood, you should get some footage from Teach later! *pulls out a half cube of The Good Stuff and toasts the memory of carnage* Shockbox: (( a tragedy. )) B l u r r: [[ okay i shall start now ]] Whirl: Nobody does bloodshed quite like Blurr. Drift: Okay. Whirl. Look. You've got a hole in your side. *holds up a hole punch and zip ties* You're gonna at least let me close it up. Airachnid: for the whole damn night. no reason either)) B l u r r: / snort / No one knows how to murder like I do. Airachnid: I just want to see human blood and not get in trouble for it. B l u r r: / eyeing Whirl. Vents. The Good Stuff better not be anything not allowed on the ship / FakeProwl: *appears! and just in time* Whirl: *watches Drift with a deadpal expression and just takes a long pull* Shh. Movie's starting. Whirl: @Drift: It's not as bad as it looks, I promise. Take care of Teach first. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Makes room next to himself and the minis. Prowl is welcome to it.* Whirl: *HE FORGOT AGAIN, TELL HIM AND HE'LL STOP* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\AIN'T WE OR AIN'T WE NOT ZIPPIN' SOMEONE?\\ Whirl: *HE JUST WANTED TO TASTE A THING* B l u r r: / HOW DO YOU FORGET THE ONLY ' NO ' RULE HE HAS / Drift: @Whirl «I can't help with that kind of damage. I can close holes and that's about it. Frenzy's gotta look at him first.» Whirl: *BECAUSE I DID TOO* B l u r r: / he doesn't have to tell Whirl. Someone else will / Airachnid: [she's not even going to question what happened to Whirl] Whirl: ((omfg chistopher lloyd.....)) Drift: We're zipping someone. Can you look at Blurr while I close Whirl up? Piston: [ leans over the couch. Taps the cube ] This is an illegal substance, Whirl. FakeProwl: *sits with* Whirl: (9BEST *** INTO HAHA)) Piston: [ as a silent, terrifying mortician, he has snuck in without a word or sound ] ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YEAH, GUESS SO. C'MERE, SPEEDY ONE.\\ B l u r r: / grumbles/ My medic will fix it. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YEAH? 'N WHOZAT?\\ Whirl: A zip tie isn't gonna fix this, mech, it'll be fine. *AND THEN IMMEDIATELY JUMPS AND LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER* Where the frag did YOU come from!? Whirl: ...But. oh. Damn. Sorry, Teach. *subspaces it, and then pulls out a cube of regular old midgrade* Whirl: I got excited. Wanted to delebrate. Piston: I live here. [ dull stare ] Drift: ... Then I'm zip tying you after Frenzy's done with you. Shockbox: /he sprawls out on his lonely couch. though he would usually have no problem resisting the urge to nod off, getting the chance to sit still after bustling about all day might just entice him into -* Shockbox: *-rechage.* B l u r r: / vents and leans back. / Whirl: *turns and takes a long drink of his canister while returning Piston's dull stare* Rght. B l u r r: I say help patch up Whirl. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\Y'AIN'T MY BOSS.\\ Piston: [ props an elbow on the couch. Looks at Drift and Frenzy ] Hello again, Drift. Drift: ... Frenzy, who needs to be patched first? Whirl: Again--sorry. Forgot. Hey, Frenzy, d9o you know if they make a non-high-grade verison of... *pauses* ItsyBitsySpyers: *He's gonna start peeking at that mangled leg* Drift: *nods at Piston* Hey. Whirl: *something feels weird. Whirl shifts and looks down. His hammock is getting wet. Because the ful he just tried to drink is leaking out of his side-hole* Whirl: ... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Laserbeak, sensing semi-unattended treats, joins SHockwave on his lonely couch and starts sneaking treats from the bowl* B l u r r: / grumbles and shifts leg away / It's just missing plating. All the mechanisms work. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Company missed before. Prowl safe since last meeting? New news? Whirl: Okay. So. ...okay, fine. *side-eyes Piston* Drift can patch me up. DRIFT. Piston: [ moves from the couch and wanders around the hammock. Stares at Whirl] Frame can be modified, then? ItsyBitsySpyers: \\UH-HUH. I'MMA BELIEVE THAT CAUSE WHY?\\ Piston: This is not what I catalogued. No, no. Something much more complex. Blending into Tyran... [ monotone ] How fascinating. Whirl: *slowly swivels his helm to keep Piston in his sights* Yep. This is a pretty minor one: changed my alt-mode. Shockbox: *he jumps a bit at a sudden shifting sensation, attempting to identify the source of movement.* B l u r r: / glances at Frenzy and scowls/ My legs are complex... Airachnid: Ah, brings back memories. Drift: I'm waiting for Frenzy's call. Whirl: *antenna slowly pins back* ... I spent most of my life looking like this. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh yeah. He was, wasn't he? Frenzy looks over and - is Whirl leaking.* FakeProwl: *ugh. serial killer fanboy.* Shockbox: *ah, it's lazerbeak. he gives a slight nod, pushing the bowl a little in her direction and returns his dazed attention back to the screen.* Piston: Yes. [ leans forward just a little more ] I like it. Whirl: *now looks to Frenzy. Don't u dare stick himwith Piston* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\BOTHA BUNCHA... I OUGHTA POP ANOTHER HOLE INTO YA.\\ Whirl: Well. *leans back a LITTLE. Just a little* Well. ...good? Piston: ... Yes. [moves to walk away and settles in his own seat ] ItsyBitsySpyers: \\IN MY LEARNIN' OPINION, THE DUMBAFT LEAKIN' HIS FUEL PROBABLY GOTTA GO GET SURGERIED FIRST.\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: \\I AIN'T LEARNED TANKS YET.\\ Whirl: ((THERE HE BEEEE)) FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Yes, safe. Tarantulas has been bugging me. Nothing else has changed.» B l u r r: [[ there he iiiiisss ]] Whirl: *relaxes a bit, watching Piston walk away, puzzled* Airachnid: Would you like me to use some webbing to temporarily patch the wound? Whirl: ...*tilts his head* Would that work? ItsyBitsySpyers: \\...IT CLEAN?\\ Airachnid: Yes. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «And Chromedome called me, but had nothing of worth to say.» Airachnid: To both questions. Whirl: Well. Sure, mech. Give it a shot. Come on over. *he's gonna sit up a bit straighter to give her a better view and shot* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy chews on a thumb claw.* \\GUESS SO. BETTER'N PASSIN' OUT.\\ Drift: I was gonna suggest duct tape, but it gets greasy and falls off. So yeah, web sounds good. Airachnid: [she's going to get up and walk over to where Whirl is] Whirl: *bobs his head cordially; he seems quite pleased with this solution* Just gob it right up in there. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Tarantulas attention wanted? Iacon progress? Soundwave can of-- ItsyBitsySpyers: *HOLD ON NOW* B l u r r: ... /twitches finials. Ignoring all this medical talk. Watching this movie / Airachnid: [she gives a nod and webs up the wound for now] Of course it'll need to be changed eventually. B l u r r: [[ guys lemme know if it starts tanking stream wise ]] Drift: ((fine so far)) Whirl: Yeah, I'll need to get everything, y'know, FIXED fixed before we go into a battle again. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): What wanted, this Chromedome. Prowl all right? Which alternate? Whirl: *gonna lean a  little and scoot to the side. Airachnid is welcome to share the hammock, if she deigns to* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\DUCT TAPE AIN'T SO BAD IF YA STICK IT ON MOUTHS. ANYWAY.\\ Grabs for Blurr's leg again. \\GIMME, NERD.\\ Airachnid: ... [eh. might as well. She gets into the hammock as well] Airachnid: [copter hammock] FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Fine, I'm fine. He tried to tell me lies about what memory he took from me in an attempt to manipulate me into agreeing to a verbal conversation.» Whirl: *SCORE* B l u r r: / tries to pull his leg away / Whirl: Hey now, Teach. I took my medicine, time fo you to take yours. B l u r r: / waves claw. / Whirl: I'll hold him down if you want, Frenzy. *TOTAL TRAITOR* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\GOOD. HURRY UP. HE'S FAST.\\ B l u r r: Don't touch me... Whirl: You gonna make me do it, Teach? Or you gonna behave? B l u r r: / scoffs and sticks his leg out / Do not touch anything inside. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\FINALLY.\\ Gonna get peeping inside. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): What lies told? Expected conversation purpose? B l u r r: Just shove the wiring inside and wrap my leg up. Don't go poking around. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Squint.* \\Y'BETTER SEE THAT MEDIC AFTER.\\ B l u r r: ... /smirks wider / Whirl: Yeah, Piston. Why don't you make yourself useful? Go see to your captain? B l u r r: K-Kyeheheheh... /props chin on claw/ ItsyBitsySpyers: *Gets shoving. He's gonna start charging for all this doctorin' stuff, he swears.* Airachnid: [so many memories of academy. Fun] Piston: I will. Right now, we are constructing an outer armor casing for his leg back in medical. B l u r r: I knew someone like her... /vents / FakeProwl: @Soundwave «He tried to tell me that he deleted my memory because I blackmailed him. Last time, he told me he deleted my memory because I was in love with him and embarrassed him.» Whirl: *he is not gonna even comment or think about this too much. He doesn't need anyone to know about is corpse-cave* B l u r r: Now I know someone like that, but he's much more cheery! Ain't yah, Piston? K-Kyeheheheh. Piston: ... Ha. Ha. [ dull laugh. Literally as it is read. ha. ha. ] FakeProwl: @Soundwave «The story changes every time. He's trying out stories until he finds one that sticks. None are logically plausible.» ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy whistles to Drift. Got more zip ties?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Not gonna leave room for Blurr to be picking wires back out* Drift: *got 'em.* Want me to put them in? I'm a pro. Whirl: Taking bets now--it's the therapist. Airachnid: Now that would be a plot twist. Drift: That'd make sense. He's trying to frame the kid by telling people he's a sociopath. B l u r r: / tilts helm/ What if the kid doesn't need framing? Whirl: *points at Drift* Yep. Whirl: Like that movie with the monsters--Nightbreed. Drift: Therapists aren't supposed to share stuff like that. Whirl: You groom your patient and put ideas in their head. Airachnid: This reminds me of my younger years, only I didn't have a therapist. Whirl: But, I could be wrong. *looks to Airachnid* Yeah? Count yourself lucky. B l u r r: They tried to give me one once... ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YA MIND?\\ He scoots out of the way. \\HE PROBABLY AIN'T GONNA PUNCH -YOU- IF IT HURTS.\\ Whirl: ...*pauses, and then relents* Well. Okkay. To be fair, Rung's... noit a bad sort. He's all right. B l u r r: He didn't taste very good. B l u r r: A little bland with awful ideas. B l u r r: Stale. That's how he tasted. Stale. Whirl: Heh. Was his name Froid? FakeProwl: *did have a therapist. a diagnosis of sociopathy was batted around. absolutely not contributing that to the conversation.* Airachnid: Never really wanted one. And when everyone is dying to psychoanalyze you, it gets annoying. B l u r r: ... No, I don't remember his name. Whirl: That guy's a real... He's. I mean, what a jerk. ItsyBitsySpyers: *None of Soundwave's group have been to a therapist. Primus only knows what one would do with them.* B l u r r: Eugh, I hate when mechs do that. They act like they know everything based on one tiny interaction. Airachnid: Medical school was quite irritating. B l u r r: ... !!! FakeProwl: *ugh now they're talking about froid. quick. what was soundwave's other question.* Airachnid: Well then. Shockbox: (( isn't that how the terminator kills people? )) Whirl: *pauses; momentary blank look* ... Yeah. But, anyway, unfortunately, mine's mandated. Shockbox: (( /has not watched terminator. )) ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): More information needed. Chromedome not familiar mech yet. What not plausible about presented stories? Whirl: O-HO. Count me wrong, then. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((it's how the one in the sequel does)) Whirl: ((i have not seen term 2)) B l u r r: ... wow. He's like us! B l u r r: / points/ That's what we do !!! B l u r r: / excited leg kick / Whirl: *now looks to Airachnid* You went to medic school? Shockbox: (( interesting. i remember seeing that sort of thing in a review once. )) ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YOU WAS IN MEDICAL SCHOOL, AIRACHNID?\\ Whirl: ((PFFT, HIVEMIND, FRENZY)) Airachnid: Arachnicons, like myself, are often medics as we can produce webbing and that functions as bandages. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I lost interest in him very shortly after we broke up, long before he became an expert in mnemosurgeon.» B l u r r: ... /makes a slight face/ A lot of people in this... remind me of people I knew once. Airachnid: [gestures to Whirl's now bandaged wound] Whirl: Hmm. I see. *examines his own* Whirl: So far no leaks, so, not bad, mech. Airachnid: But, unfortunately, I was not CREATED to be a medic, so it did not work out. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HUH. Y'EVER MEET... FRAG. WHATSERFACE. COG SOMETHIN'. REMEDY TALKS 'BOUT 'ER SOMETIMES.\\ FakeProwl: @Soundwave «And I wouldn't have blackmailed him because I've never needed to, he's always been eager to get more work.» Whirl: ...yeah. Sucks when you have different ideas as to what you wanna be. ItsyBitsySpyers: *He has no idea how old Airachnid is or isn't, so he's just throwing darts here* Whirl: *he feels ya* Airachnid: I mean, if I had just passed one more class, I could have been a medic, but my teacher failed me because I wasn't made to be one. Airachnid: So I killed him. Whirl: *LAUGHS* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage snorts.* Airachnid: Not all arachnicons know each other. B l u r r: / makes a face/ He should have failed you for more logical reasons. B l u r r: Failing someone just because they don't seem to be part of the function means that the teacher was lazy. Whirl: On behalf of all teachers everywhere--and I'm sure Blurr can agree with me--I say, good job. Airachnid: No, he was a functionalist. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Of course—if he modified my memories extensively and thoroughly enough, EITHER of those stories could be true. I have no way to know.» B l u r r: Why would I agree with you? FakeProwl: @Soundwave «But neither lines up with what I DO know.» Whirl: Because a lazy teacher deserves to be murdered by his students. Especially a FUNCITONIST one. B l u r r: / he spaced out / Killing him? Yes, he sounded lazy. A terrible teacher. By all means. Is that what I'm agreeing on? Whirl: Yes. ...you ste you're all right? Airachnid: He was insufferable too. So he deserved it. B l u r r: Hm? B l u r r: [[ his handwriting is so weird wtf ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave glances up at the ceiling, thinking.* Airachnid: After that, of course, I couldn't get my medical degree so I became a bounty hunter in Kaon. Amazing how things can change. Whirl: Like, you're still with us, right, Teach? Not lsot too much fuel? Whirl: *looks to Airachnid; he seems genuinely interested* Bounty hunting before the war, eh? How well did THAT go? ItsyBitsySpyers: \\IF HE'S DYIN', I DIDN'T DO IT.\\ B l u r r: ... / twitches finials/ Ah. Yes. / settles. He's not all there but he's okay / FakeProwl: @Soundwave «He's been talking about trying to make amends and talk to me again. I suspects he wants to persuade me to meet in person. He probably wants to go after my memories again. Don't know why.» Airachnid: It paid well and there were plenty of mecha hiring. Whirl: *dryly* I hereby absolve you of all guilt, Frenzy. Whirl: ...THIS time. Whirl: For THIS specific instance. Whirl: ((pfft, emmett. I see what u did there)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Prowl doesn't have -no- way to know. Soundwave could dig into Chromedome and find out himself. He's been wanting to do it since he found out about Chromedome in the first place. But he also said he-- ItsyBitsySpyers: wouldn't become a pet mnemosurgeon. And Prowl hated the idea so much with Tarantulas...* B l u r r: ... Is he going to take his spine? That would just make my day.../muttering/ ItsyBitsySpyers: *Stops staring at the ceiling and looks back to Prowl.* Whirl: It's absolutely NOT ethical. Whirl: *antenna pins back* FakeProwl: That's extremely unethical. Whirl: ...*shakes his head and returns his attention to more pleasant things* Did you mostly run jobs for the Functionists, or for the 'Cons? Or what? Airachnid: Well, yes. Airachnid: The Decepticons were not formed at the time B l u r r: ... /slouches a little / Drift: ... *nudges blurr* Airachnid: Mostly criminals trying to get other criminals. B l u r r: /shifts a bit / Hm? Whirl: Ever take a hit on the establishment? Drift: Sup? *blurr's slouchin* B l u r r: ... /thinking/ Nothing, it's just that this reminds me of a lt. B l u r r: *lot Airachnid: I went after anyone. Some happened to be under that kind of label as well. Whirl: ...*looks over* Hey, Teach. Don't let he memories get to ya. Becaus we're HERE, now. Whirl: Kicking aft, taking names, getting shot--all the good things in life! Whirl: *adds, with another sly, sidelong look* Getting stepped on. Maybe. B l u r r: ... oh stop /snort / Whirl: *shrugs* Fair enough. If I'd been out and about around that time, I might've done the same. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Prowl under Soundwave, deployer protection if Chromedome visit helps uncover truth. Avatar also possible.-- Whirl: I'm telling you, mech. It's gonna happen. I'm not gonna let you down. B l u r r: Hnnn.. ItsyBitsySpyers: Would put Chromedome down, provide recorded evidence if second attack attempted. Shockbox: (( this reminds me of an old story written by lovecraft. )) ItsyBitsySpyers: *He says 'attempted' because there's no way he'd let it actually happen.* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... I can't.» B l u r r: /vents and sets his leg out straight in front of him/ It reminds me of things I'm fond of. Harvesting for parts. Drift: ((which story? i don't remember one like this)) B l u r r: It's the people around him that strike familiar . Whirl: ((this is based on a book actually!)) ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): ...Arrest restriction? Personal comfort? Whirl: *nods to Blurr* Gotcha, Teach. ...*now swivels his helm about to regard Frenzy. Is he done with medic duty? Does he need  aseat?* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I can't be near him.» *absent-mindedly rubs the back of his neck* B l u r r: [[ good news: whatever I ate today that messed me up is done messing me up. Bad news: I'm hungry but afeared to eat ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Small ping. You're doing the thing.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy's good on the floor, he's watching all this weird killers who are and aren't.* Whirl: ((LMAO I WENT TO THE imdb to look up brooke's actress cos the girl seems familiar and C/ LLoyd's character name is Crowley)) FakeProwl: *quickly laces hands in lap* Whirl: *then that is quite fine* FakeProwl: Don't taunt the monster, you idiot. Now he has an opportunity to get his guard up. B l u r r: Not if he needs constant harvesting B l u r r: if you scare him to stay inside, his parts rot and he can't get to a new source. B l u r r: In a way, he's actually quite smart. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Understood. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Believe him, he gets it.* Drift: *... comm ping to blurr* B l u r r: / twitches finial. Pings back/ @Drift: :: Hm? :: Whirl: ((WILLIAM BLAKE)) Whirl: ((AND WHAT HAND, AND WHAT ART, COULD TWIST THE SINEWS OF THY HERAT)) Whirl: ((william blake man. lovim. me and him have the sam bday y'all)) B l u r r: [[[ nice ]] Drift: @Blurr «This is where my alternate is landed right now.» *a set of coordinates.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): ... Could assign Soundwave intercept duty. Make Soundwave Prowl's 'voice'. Chromedome, Trepan appearing; multiple contact attempts... disliked, distrusted. Should hunt truth. B l u r r: @Drift: :: Hnn? I thought you changed your mind? :: Whirl: Hmm. Drift: @Blurr «I had to think about it. But, I want to go through with it.» B l u r r: @Drift: ::Well, if you're sure. Once I give them, I can't stop it. :: Drift: @Blurr «I know. I'm sure.» B l u r r: / vents and slides over to lean on. Comfy / Whirl: *has been very twitchy since he arrived. Small little movements, rotor shuffles, etc. Constant fidgeting. Sorry Airachnid* Shockbox: (( hahahahahahah i saw that coming )) FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Right now, the Constructicons are intercepting. Chromedome knows I want nothing to do with him so long as he has my memory and I don't.» Airachnid: [she's fine, she hardly notices] B l u r r: @Drift: :: Well, if you're sure. :: ItsyBitsySpyers: (AHA i was sitting here wondering why i knew the lead)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((they were in that wild things movie a while back)) B l u r r: @Drift: :: I'll have to tell you when it's done, if you want to know? :: Drift: @Blurr «Yeah. Wait until I'm over for movie night to tell me. I don't want any long-range comms that might be tracked.» B l u r r: @Drift: :: Naturally. I'll be here every time, you know. :: Whirl: ((christopher lloyd is so *** good in this)) B l u r r: [[ yeeessss ]] Drift: @Blurr «I know. ... Thanks.» B l u r r: @Drift: :: Oh, you know me. Hero to all, apparently. :: /rolls optic / Whirl: So is she still dating the therapist? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Wants nothing more than to offer to rip it out and put it back.* FakeProwl: *can't ask that* Whirl: Tiger. That comes back again. Hmmm. Whirl: *clicks claws clowly, contemplatively* Whirl: Wonder if that's significant. B l u r r: [[ the beanie ]] Airachnid: the pandie)) Whirl: ((The Beanie)) Shockbox: (( such a serious moment )) B l u r r: [[ the music. the pandiie ]] Shockbox: (( you can see the pain in his eyes as he slips on the adorable panda mask )) B l u r r: ... / sinks down more / Whirl: *tilts his head to an even further degree* Shockbox: (( this is some very LoZ: TP music. )) B l u r r: / going to stick his apparently zip tied leg out / B l u r r: / hurts at the moment / Drift: *wraps arm around blurr* Airachnid: [she's very focused on this. she's even starting to blep] Whirl: ((oh my ufccing god)) Whirl: ((the mental image of an airachnid blep has killed me. goodbye curle worl)) Airachnid: glad I could help)) Shockbox: (( goodbye curle whirl )) Shockbox: (( but yeah that's hella cute )) B l u r r: / leans on Drift / Whirl: ((is similarly engrossed so has not noticed the blep* Whirl: Oh, COME ON, you big baby. At least he told you the truth! Airachnid: Indeed. He has no right to complain. FakeProwl: *... mildly empathizes with main character.* FakeProwl: *isn't a sociopath. doesn't fantasize about killing people. but.* Shockbox: If the human had simply communicated the amount of danger he was really in, his friend might have considered him mad enough to let his words slide. FakeProwl: *the rules, to try to appear normal? the fear of being abnormal?* B l u r r: If the world didn't make it so hard to be abnormal, maybe people wouldn't have to worry about being normal. B l u r r: / holds out claws like duh / Whirl: ((i have that same cup...)) B l u r r: [[ same ]] Airachnid: we used to)) B l u r r: / sinks down more / Whirl: Well, the world's not gonna change. It's kind of amusing how similar it is across multiversal boundaries. Whirl: The thing is, you just gotta be ready to FIGHT the world. B l u r r: ...How endearing. /mumbling/ B l u r r: He dropped the knife. B l u r r: /muttering to self. full slouch on couch / ItsyBitsySpyers: *To the Pit with it.* Drift: *slowly slouches down with blurr* B l u r r: / glances at Drift . pokes his arm / Drift: *pokes back* Yeah? B l u r r: /flicks finials/ What're you slouched for? Drift: Cuz you are. B l u r r: / smirks/ Oh, yeah? Dodge is, too. Whirl: *glances to Drift and Blurr, watching; for once he's not sort of low-key jealous. He's just curiously watching them* Shockbox: *at this point it's seriously hard to tell whether or not he's awake.* Whirl: ((here lies shockwave)) B l u r r: ... /making a face / Shockbox: (( bested by exhaustion, for once. )) Whirl: *once again engrossed* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): If Chromedome: feared, Prowl: controlled. If goal: escape, what tools needed? ... Give legal options. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... Legal options?» *he'd reported it to Ultra Magnus, who had done nothing. what was left? Who else would do anything?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Folds his servos in his lap. Takes a moment to notice the half-asleep Shockwave. He'll send them home later if they pass out.* Whirl: That's the therapist, right? Pfft. Good. Shockbox: (( how many funerals has this been at this point? )) Airachnid: a lot)) B l u r r: ... What a good person. /dims optic/ B l u r r: She's the only person that's nice to him. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... If you're willing, you could—monitor him. See what you can find out.» ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Legal options. Solutions not outside Starscream's laws. ItsyBitsySpyers: *...Nod.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *He's not going to ask Prowl for the illegal ones. Must leave his ally some room to deny knowledge of anything he might do.* ItsyBitsySpyers: anything terrible* Whirl: *snickers* Shockbox: (( how did this man even manage to /get/ a wife. )) Whirl: *snickers again* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Conversations? Monitoring only? FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... Be cautious if you have conversations. You know what he is. Don't let him know you have ties to me. I disappear when he arrives, he probably doesn't know yet.» Whirl: *click click click in anticipation* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I will not ask you to converse with him. Don't endanger yourself and don't endanger me.» ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Acknowledged. Whirl: nICE! Airachnid: Ah, nothing like bonding over an autopsy. Drift: ... If his hand hadn't been out like that, his mom might not have believed him. He's lucky. Whirl: *snorts* Shockbox: (( some top notch vivisection going on right here. )) Whirl: Or, a living dissection. Shockbox: (( yes, that is what a vivisection is. a living dissection. )) Airachnid: Or vivisection. Drift: They're pumping out his blood. Whirl: Yep! *tips his canister in mock-toast and drinks* Whirl: I think they're pumping out his HIM. Drift: ... What if it pollutes the water? Airachnid: That is nor normal organic blood. Whirl: The black stuff---whatever he's made of. Drift: If he's made of the black stuff, then it could travel to someone else if it's pumped out, right? Whirl: Maybe... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Sudden small plating flare* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Quickly puts it back down* FakeProwl: *that's a new one* B l u r r: / monster!!! / B l u r r: / excited leg kick / Whirl: *leans forward* Whirl: Is he gonna like... take true fo--ohhhh. FakeProwl: *not sure what plating flare means. brushes hand?* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\GROSS, HAHA.\\ Whirl: Neat! Shockbox: *goddamnit he would be so intrigued by this right now if he weren't ASLEEP.* B l u r r: ... /oh no. Oh god it's gonna end sad isn't it / Whirl: *i mean he won't admit it but it's kind of compelling that this murderous vicious monster's primary motivation is its love for someon* Whirl: *a good story* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Hand twitches slightly; he hadn't expected the contact. But he'll take it.* Drift: *AW. WHY THIS. 8(* Airachnid: [it is sickingly sweet] B l u r r: / this is hitting his fEELINGS that he thought he bURIED / Whirl: *tips his canister again& B l u r r: / ow. ow. ow ow pain. Picking at zip ties / Whirl: *well fucc that's. Compelling* Drift: *oh nooo. clings to blurr* Whirl: *but he's got a VERY good poker face* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy absently swats Blurr's hand.* Shockbox: (( ***, mang. )) Whirl: *it's the specific line: "i've never got it before" that got him. You've got company, Blurr* B l u r r: / swats at Frenzy. / Shockbox: ((didn't expect this to get feelsy. )) B l u r r: / is clinged to. Still picking at his zipties / Whirl: Ha. The therapist died. Good. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Turns.* \\CUT IT OUT.\\ B l u r r: / wheeze. He's having an emotional moment let him have it / B l u r r: / actually wait don't, hell rip the ties / Whirl: ((I REALLY LIKED THIS MOVIE. The pacing could;ve been better but it was good)) B l u r r: [[ IT WAS NICE? ?? I liked it ]] Drift: ... His therapist died because he was trying to help him. I think he was an okay one. Airachnid: and explained what the f*ck the old guy was)) Whirl: I don't like him. B l u r r: / rubbing his optic. / Drift: Questionable ethics, dated his mom, yeah... but died trying to help him. B l u r r: WELL At least humans died. That was great /rub rub / Whirl: Eh. Still don't like him. His motives were tainted. How can you trust someone knowing they're playing you for their own benefit? You CAN'T. Shockbox: *he is motionless. one could mistake him for dead in his recharge.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Apologies. Soundwave: fine. Unexpected recollection. Airachnid: I think Shockwave died. Whirl: Well. Ravage. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\I DIDN'T DO THAT NEITHER.\\ Whirl: You know what to do. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[No, Ravage.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy gets up to poke Shockwave.* Shockbox: *he shifts a little at the prodding.* Piston: [ pops up right behind Whirl ] What an endearing movie. I rather like that method. I use a system similar... on bodies I deem... worthy. [ stare ] FakeProwl: *small nod* Shockbox: *might need a little more to get him up and out.* Whirl: *swivels his helm around, DAMN YOU PISTON YOU STARTLED HIM AGAIN* is that so. Piston: [ stare back ] Yes. Piston: I look forward to the Tyran bodies you will bring me. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\\I GOT THIS. YER ALL GONNA WANNA CUT AUDIOS.\\ Shockbox: *oh no. * ItsyBitsySpyers: *So, Shockwave. You know how loud Frenzy is normally. Do you know how loud he can ACTUALLY be?* Drift: *covers audials* Airachnid: [covers audials] Whirl: Well, I'm not bringing you any. FakeProwl: ... Don't do that. FakeProwl: He's sensitive to noises. Whirl: You'll hafta ask Blurr for that. I usually don't leave ENOUGH of a body for any kind of preservation, mech. FakeProwl: *look who managed to notice a thing* Shockbox: * something tells me this is going to be the last time he attempts to fall asleep in a social gathering if this goes on.* Whirl: ...*pointedly does not, he wants to hear Frenzy scream* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy opens his mouth - then stops and looks at Prowl. Since when does he care?* Piston: What a shame. [ looks Whirl over ] I was told that you would be helpful to avoid your own ... ritual. Whirl: Ritual? Shockbox: *prowl, have we...bonded over a mutual sensitivity to sound?* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\...I GUESS.\\ He gets up and dusts his knees off, walking to the other corner of the room. ItsyBitsySpyers: *THEN TAKES A RUNNING LEAP AND BELLY FLOPS ON SHOCKWAVE'S MIDDLE* Piston: ... [just stares at Whirl ] I really do wish to know how a spark works... FakeProwl: *...... he's mildly protective of people with hypersensitivity, don't read into it* Airachnid: [uncovers audials. Or that could work too] Whirl: Well. That's a damn shame, isn;'t it? not having one to experiment. *pokes him roughly in the chest& Whirl: *...okay well he was gonna call you a wimp for not screeching but a belly flop is acceptable* Piston: [ reaches out and pokes Whirl's shoulder ] Good luck out there. What I do to bodies would make the humans feel shame. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Congrats, Prowl. In case you were wondering about how far ally privilege goes, you've just discovered a small (but not always reliable) perk.* Whirl: *swats at Piston's hand* Oh, I'm SURE. FakeProwl: *the occasional power to stop Frenzy from screaming?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Something like that.* FakeProwl: *he'll use it wisely* Whirl: *The Poer to Instintill Discretion in Frenzy?* Piston: [ chuckles. It sounds like a doll tbh ] Shockbox: *WHEEZES and suddenly has his blaster raised in the air. he had attempted to trigger the alarms to his base, not realizing that he was, in fact, not home.* Whirl: Or I get thrown into the trash, or an incinerator. Whirl: Anyway, hate to disappoint you, but I've promised my corpse to Buzzsaw, Laserbeak, and Ravage. They're probably gonna devour me. Piston: Accidents happen. Whirl: Or, if anyone else is nearby and wants to eat me, that's fine. B l u r r: / moves a leg out. Going to try and stand / Right. I have... an announcement to make! Whirl: I'm sure they do, Piston. It'd be a damn shame if one of them happened to YOU. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HEH HEH HEH.\\ Rolls off Shockwave. \\DROP THE GUN, MECH. JUS' ME.\\ Whirl: *swivels his helm to regard Blurr* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Announcement?]] Airachnid: [that got her attention] Airachnid: [she never tries to miss out on the opprotunity for free food] Piston: [ quiet for things ] Piston: It would be. But my Captain has a strong belief in our driving spirit. Whirl: *well Airachnid. You are welcome to devour his corpse if you ask* Shockbox: *His helm flicks every which way as he slowly sets his arm down. He looks to Frenzy.* ....What did I miss? Airachnid: Most of the movie. B l u r r: I, that is me. /presses claw to his chassis / Have decided that my Skeleton Crew will... will be liberating... /trailing off./ ItsyBitsySpyers: \\SOME KINDA MONSTER THING CRAWLED OUTTA THE KILLER GUY 'N HIS BLOOD 'N STUFF. REAL MUSHY STUFF 'BOUT HIS WIFE.\\ B l u r r: / flicking finials. Turns to his left and mumbles. / ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He's never heard of]] [][][]mumble[][][]. [[Where is that?]] Whirl: Yeah. Believe it or not, an ACTUALLY compelling romance, as compred to last week's movie's Garbage Romance. B l u r r: / vents and points to Whirl and hisses in another dialect / Drift: Are you rescuing the Autobots? 8) Whirl: *tilts his head as he is pointed at, his long rotors rattling questioningly* B l u r r: Oh, fine. After much conference, we've decided that ...we will, indeed. Help the Autobots. Shockbox: Hm. The last thing I recall was that the human adolescent attempted to murder the old woman. B l u r r: Only because it will have Optimus Prime of Tyran in my debt. Drift: *hugs Blurr's waist. ... since he's still sitting and all.* Whirl: And so he'll step on you. Whirl: But sexy-like. Shockbox: Was....the monster, interesting? B l u r r: / pats Drift's helm/ AND. Whirl: And also because... *sly look* Blurr's got a hero's streak in him. Airachnid: Made up of mostly blood that came from the old human. B l u r r: I will.../ gritting denta/ I. Will. Release. The. Wreckers. To their rightful... home. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YO, BOSS. MONSTER IMAGE?\\ And now Shockwave can see it. Airachnid: So, I would say so. B l u r r: / that was hard to say / Whirl: You're damn right you will. Whirl: If you decided not to then we'd have us a PROBLEM, Teach. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Will they not be endangered by the humans?]] Shockbox: *He considers the monster.* Whirl: But, I had faith you'd come around. Real..........................................heroic of ya. B l u r r: ... Shut up, Whirl. B l u r r: I'm doing this because I get to slaughter humans for free. Free buffet. Whirl: I will not shut up. Whirl: Nobody has ever figured out how to do that yet. Whirl: And neither will you. *beams cheerfully* B l u r r: / crosses arms / Optimus Prime of Tyran will owe me. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((omg is this the rock)) Whirl: ((IT IIIS)) Whirl: ((HIS VOICE IS SO GREAT)) B l u r r: [[ it is ]] Airachnid: I do not know Whirl very well, but I don't think "shut up" and "Whirl" really go together. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((adoration <3)) B l u r r: Absolutely. Anything. B l u r r: And Optimus Prime of Tyran in my debt means that I can request anything... Whirl: *nudges her* You got me! B l u r r: So if I die, know that he tore me in half and it was glorious... Shockbox: (( such a  good song...)) Whirl: And also, Optimus Prime of Tyran will step on you. Sexily. Whirl: Hey, if you gotta die, I'll make sure, Teach, as your friend, to make sure it';s at his hands. At his FURIOUS hands. Whirl: *salutes; whirl is 100% your wingman Blurr* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...A debt from Optimus Prime should be used on something more... useful.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Than your libido.]] B l u r r: ... Look, you just don't understand. Whirl: Uhh, you're understimating the amount of enjoyment Blurr will get out of that. Don't judge. Whirl: People like us need to tke whateve joy from life we can. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Looks at the both of them.* B l u r r: You have no idea what it is like to see an angry Optimus charging at you like he broke through the flames of hell. /claws to chassis / Whirl: I mean, obviously, you got no problem serving YOUR libido, *ndos at Soundwave and Prwl* Whirl: Let the rest of us do what we need to. B l u r r: With that gun charging and that angry snarl. The HATE in those optics. ItsyBitsySpyers: *And then Soundwave transformed into an iceberg.* B l u r r: The way it feels to have limbs torn from attachments... Whirl: ((i am very sorry fo my sh it typing lmao)) FakeProwl: I wouldn't trade in a highly useful debt for a fifteen-second session with an unwilling dom. Whirl: Yeah, well, you're not Blurr. B l u r r: Besides... he has a soft spot. Whirl: Like I said--don;t judge. Shockbox: *he is confused by the implication of soundwave and prowl having...a relationship?* FakeProwl: *is judging. is judging hard.* B l u r r: And. /deep vent / Roadbuster and I are. Whirl: *no regrets; Whirl got u Blurr. U fam* B l u r r: Figuring out. B l u r r: Friends. Whirl: *LOOKS TO BLURR* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Well, that's going to speed up certain conversations with the alternate Shockwave, isn't it.* B l u r r: I think we've figured that out. Whirl: Mech! That's great! Shockbox: *observing this conversation, even if he didn't hear the very beginning of it.* Whirl: You did it! FakeProwl: *whirl didn't say "serving your libido WITH EACH OTHER" so prowl missed the implication* B l u r r: Basically... do you guys want anything from Earth while I'm there? Shockbox: *thanks whirl you're helping us talk to eachother. * B l u r r: Oh, and Whirl is helping me. I'll make sure he comes home. Whirl: They might pay you NOT to, teach. *laughs* Whirl: Pfft. Whirl: But heck yeah, you guys want souvenirs? FakeProwl: *considers asking for a red crayon.* FakeProwl: *no—they'd kill somebody to get it.* B l u r r: [[ blurr has those omfg ]] Whirl: *i mean you're not wrong* Airachnid: [goes to Earth all the time so she's fine] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Prowl, you are approximately six feet away from an artist.* B l u r r: [[ blurr and whirl break into Crayola ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: //Ooh! Ooh! I want - uh. They been doin' this whole - this whole thing 'bout some Ham human.// Shockbox: *unsure about what level of quality specimens they would return with if their goal for the trip doesn't involve preserving them.* Whirl: ((whirl gets a cybertronian-sized crayon, somehow)) Whirl: ((Prowl. Don't ask. But look how awesome this is.) B l u r r: ... Ham human? Whirl: ...ham. Whirl: *You're not included in Whirl's offer, Shockwave; you're an active con* FakeProwl: *why would buzzsaw use Earth wax sticks designed for children* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Yeah. Some Hamtown guy. The Boss got the music but they got a... the frag do humans call datapads.// B l u r r: / blurr will bring u gifts, shockwave / Whirl: *but Soundwave, his team, Drift, prowl, and Airachnid are all being offered souvenirs* Shockbox: *to be fair he nor i were paying attention to the beginning of this exchange.* Whirl: Music. Hamtown. FakeProwl: *he's approximately six feet away from an artist IRL too, but he wouldn't ask Bonecrusher for crayons either.* Whirl: Ham... burg? Drift: *shrugs* Surprise me. Whirl: I need a little more to go on, mech. Whirl: ...*gl;ances to Drift* Got it. Shockbox: *shockwave would appreciate gifts.* Drift: Human datapads? Books. B l u r r: Oh, I already know what I'm getting you, Drift. ItsyBitsySpyers: *He likes the way the blue ones can be melted and reshaped into energon.* Airachnid: How about some crystals? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Good spattering, too.* Whirl: *he might not have had a lot of time to talk to Drift but Drift has wormed his way into Wgirl's Relatively Good Graces* Whirl: Crystals? What kind? ItsyBitsySpyers: //Books! Yeah.// Wait. He just. Admitted to wanting a book out loud. Any minute now-- ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HAHA. NERRRRRD.\\ Drift: And get repaired before you come home! I don't want Rodimus asking questions about your "vacation." Whirl: *throws his canister at Frenzy's head* Whirl: PIPE DOWN I'm trying to hear your brother. Airachnid: Quartz is always fine. B l u r r: ... you didn't tell him you were coming ? ItsyBitsySpyers: //Frag off, I jus' want the pictures.// Whirl: ...weee-ell. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy yelps and ducks.* Whirl: I might have neglected to mention... certain aspects of my vacation. But yeah. Got it. *Dift is gonna cover for him? he's getting TWO souvenirs* Whirl: So. Rumble. ...what are youeven asking me. Whirl: Ham City? Whirl: *he is lost* Drift: Honestly? I think you would have gotten a free pass from him if you said you were gonna go rescue Autobots in that universe where they got chewed up. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble grits his dentae together. Incoming file, Whirl.* Shockbox: (( as much as i would enjoy staying up until around two in the morning....)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((get some rest!!)) Whirl: *but he got your message Airahnid, he is deffo bringing some quartz for YOU. You are Interesting and Whirl is not gonna forget YOU* Whirl: ((IS IT HAMILTON xd)) Shockbox: (( i need to shower. and sleep. )) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((Yes. Yes it is.)) Whirl: ((REST WELL SHOCKBOX)) Shockbox: ((slendy should i link the fic to this group before i jet out. )) Whirl: ((exclelent)) Airachnid: [thank you Whirl] Drift: But if you're calling it a "vacation," fine. Just... don't come home beaten up. Then one of us is gonna HAVE to explain what happened. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((up to you!)) Whirl: *tilts his head, and then nods; as one mech with bioth kick-*** and nerdy tendencies, he got u, Rumble* Got it. Shockbox: (( hmmmmm. welp. yolo. )) B l u r r: In any case. B l u r r: Do you guys wanna see how much humans wanna pay for us? Shockbox: (( http://shocktrooper-redstreaker.tumblr.com/post/155750914201/intentionally-bad-fic-stuck-tiddy )) Shockbox: (( my friend wrote this, it's great, g'night. )) B l u r r: well, me. I'm on their list. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((night!)) Airachnid: goodnight!)) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He would like to know what the humans ask for our kind, yes.]] Drift: ((gnight~)) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[If only to know how far to stay away from them.]] Whirl: ((i see te phrase "massive uniboob" and i am pleased)) Whirl: You mean, the sorts of things they wat from us? From our bodies? B l u r r: It depends on the mech. B l u r r: See, me? They want my legs, apparently. /motions to his leg / B l u r r: They think the speed is in the legs. Morons. Drift: Don't correct them. Whirl: A s far as I've been able to determine, they mostly want me dead, or me to stop killing all of them. *this is spoken matter-of-factly; he's not bragging. He's telling the truth* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Pffft. They ain't seen Velocitronians, huh.// Whirl: But, you got it. *nods cordially to Soundwave* B l u r r: / vents/ Regardless, Cemetery Wind knows there are more of us. This might ruin Lockdown's plans. B l u r r: / rubs claws together / B l u r r: Imagine me getting on that big ship... Whirl: Ohh, yeah. Snuffing LOCKDOWN. Whirl: That sounds like FUN. B l u r r: So, I just want you all to know... Airachnid: [that designation sounds familiar] B l u r r: / points to everyone./ I am not a hero. I am doing this for my own benefit. /sits down/ Airachnid: Suuure you are. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Sure. 'N I ain't really Ultra Magnus.// Whirl: *gently disengages fro the hammock so it doesn't dump his Distinguished Company, which is Airachnid* Whirl: And I would like the room to know... Whirl: *hand over his cockpit* That Blurr one hundred percent IS a hero. I seen it. I was HERE. Whirl: *There Airachnid: [she might as well leave it as well. She gently leaves the hammock] B l u r r: I am not-! Whirl: He's a good deal more good than he wants all of you to believe. *regards Blurr with an expression that seems to mingle cheekiness with something like affectiion* Whirl: Despite everything, he is... a Autobot. Whirl: *an B l u r r: / rolls optic/ B l u r r: / buries face in claws / Whirl: And you know what? I only knew his former commande from one... really. Uh. WEIRD conversation. But I will say this, in case we both die i a fiery inferno tomorrow: I bet he'd be pretty proud. B l u r r: ... /peeks through his claws/ Whirl: Sluahgteing uppity humans for the greater good? He'd be chuffed. I guarantee it. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave can hear Laserbeak about to ask what's good about Autobots. He quiets her.* B l u r r: ... /oh no that makes him feel things / Whirl: *he means it, you big turd* B l u r r: / and he's doing a sort of good thing for bestie / B l u r r: / emoTIONS / Whirl: *continues to regard Blurr with that cheeky/maybe, if u squint, affectionate expression* Drift: *that was a nice speech, Whirl. nice words for Blurr. pats Blurr's back.* Whirl: *And Whirl will tell u, Laserbeak, if u ask: what's good about us? The way we DECIMATE THE OPPOSITION* B l u r r: / clamps digits together and just face in claws / ItsyBitsySpyers: *She IS the opposition. Was. Something. CLOSE ENOUGH.* B l u r r: / vents and finally lowers claws. Trying to look fINE / B l u r r: ... People will still be scared of me, right? / looks at Drift / Whirl: *nah, you're almost in the same boat Drift is. Anyone who comes against yo u IS the oppostion* Drift: Of course they will. Whirl: *he got u Laserbeak; you're a spot of all right* Whirl: Pfft. How could they not be, teach. Whirl: I mean, LOOK at you. Whirl: You're a monster. *this is said as a compliment* B l u r r: ... /looks at self and smirks / I'm gonna give that Prime something to fear, aren't I? Whirl: You gonna give him something to fear, but most importantly...... a place to rest his feet. *sly look* B l u r r: ... /vents/ Oh stop. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave shakes his helm a little. Can't believe they're still on that.* FakeProwl: *these past couple weeks Prowl has been learning far too much about other people's kinks, and 100% of it has come from Whirl* Whirl: *what ca he say? he's a fount of knowledge. who shows he cares for his pals by embarrassing them* B l u r r: Maybe I should keep the favor... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Haha. A couple of weeks. Boy, that must be nice.* Whirl: *snickers and shrugs* You gotta stop making it so easy for me, then, mech. Airachnid: [going to sneak off now] B l u r r: Regardless... Airachnid: akak mun needs sleep because of classes in the morning)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage huffs a tired goodbye to Airachnid on her way out* Whirl: ((night!)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((NO HOW DARE)) B l u r r: The point is. I think we can get things done with a week or so. Whirl: But know you've got yourself a ready and willing windmech. ...despite the fact U don;t have wings. Airachnid: goodnight!)) B l u r r: [[ ni ni ]] Whirl: *will swuvel and bob his helm to her; Whirl is pleased with the night's arrangements* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave sits up slightly and tilts his helm just so to catch this song.* Whirl: ((oh my god my typing iso bad. it's the rum. es tut mir leid)) Whirl: ((i am sorry)) Whirl: ((and that was fuccin german)) FakeProwl: ((see I just assumed it was a row of extreme typos)) B l u r r: / vents and smirks at Drift / @D: :: And I'll get your thing taken care of. :: Whirl: (( would say i'm cutting myself off now but the bottle is empty)) Drift: @Blurr «Thanks. I appreciate it.» B l u r r: ... and I get to be the fastest mech in their ugly group! /stands up and immediately falls down / ItsyBitsySpyers: *A good piece to end the post-movie music on.* B l u r r: ... Well. When I get my leg fixed. Whirl: And I get to be the ugliest in their fast group! *snickers* Drift: You're getting fixed before you go, right? Whirl: Yes. He is. Whirl: Don;t worry. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\THEY BETTER. I AIN'T MISSIN' MOVIE STUFF FOR NOTHIN'.\\ B l u r r: ... Yes, I am. Drift: Good. Drift: That goes for you too, Whirl. B l u r r: Both of us. Drift: We all just put you back together, you're not allowed to fall apart. Whirl: I'm tough! B l u r r: I've stitched myself together through worse. Whirl: I can take a lot of damage. As if I'd let some HUMANS do me in! Drift: You've also got a hole in your side. Whirl: Yeah, it's no big. I've had a lot worse than this hole. Recently. I've been injured worse during a THERAPY SESSION than this. Whirl: *it's 100% true; Fort Max ripped one of is arms off AND impaled him* Drift: It stopped counting as a therapy session when it turned into a hostage situation. Whirl: Really? I didn't. B l u r r: / he's on his datapad, sending a message/ Oh, Drift!! /yanks him over and holds the datapad up/ Smile!! ItsyBitsySpyers: *That's a new story to ask about later.* Drift: *smiles on cue* Drift: *why's he smiling, he doesn't know* B l u r r: / snaps pictures!! Selfies / Whirl: *we'll see how much you get told* Whirl: *will return to his hammock and settle in; he's staying here, so he doesn't hafta leave* B l u r r: See? /shows Drift / Drift: *looks at* Who's the picture for? B l u r r: I just got in contact with an old... acuaintance. B l u r r: *acquaintance B l u r r: I don't know if we're friends because I can't really remembering us establishing that. Drift: Roadbuster? B l u r r: ... no no. He's a Tyran mech, though. Drift: Who? B l u r r: Ratchet. Whirl: *settles in, after another extended "can i balance this" session; he's ebginning to finally look a little tred* Drift: Oh. B l u r r: ... And Roadbuster. B l u r r: And Topspin. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ratchet???* Drift: ... And you're gonna save them all. *sly grin* You hero. ItsyBitsySpyers: *No. Wait. He said Tyran. It's okay.* Whirl: *perks his helm up* Yep! Hero! B l u r r: ... /vents and pushes his claw in Drift's face/ B l u r r: Sshhhh... not a hero. Whirl: *before carefully lying himself back, settling in and getting comfortable* Absolutely one. B l u r r: Doing one good thing in a sea of bad won't make me a hero. Whirl: You've not lived long enough to do enough abd to make yourself irredeemable. Whirl: Take it from someone who HAS. *wiggles in; ahh, yes. Nice and comfy. He is sleeping here tonight* Drift: *pushes claw back* Totally a hero. B l u r r: Perhaps, for the moment. B l u r r: It will pass, like many have before. Whirl: So you saaaay. Whirl: Let's see. Get back with me in five milion years. *snorts as he nuzzles his helm into the fabric* B l u r r: Oh go to sleep. /vents and rubs his optic/ I've got to sort out where we're going tomorrow. B l u r r: Keep track of the Autobots. Find where Prime is... Yeager human.. /yawn/ B l u r r: / sharp tooth yawn / Drift: *stands* I'll let you get to your preparations, then. I've gotta get back home. Whirl: *rattles his rotors* Seeya, Drift. B l u r r: / smirks and wiggles claws at Drift. His turn to hug ur waist / Whirl: ..and hanks. For covering for me. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Well, if they're all settling in and going home. Looks at Prowl.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Also returning? Whirl: *shoots Blurr another cheeky look before relaxing; there's hope for you YET, Blurr. he ain't about to let u forget it* Drift: Sure. I didn't really do anything, I just didn't tell Rodimus what your vacation is for. Drift: Don't get in too much trouble, okay? I can only cover so much. B l u r r: I'll keep him safe. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Yes.» Whirl: *snorts, but refrains from making a self-depreciatig comment about how everyone would be happier if he WASN'T safe. For once. progress??? progress* FakeProwl: *flickers out* ItsyBitsySpyers: *That was unusually quick. All right. He gets up and gathers his minicons, then makes his way out* Whirl: *raises his helm to bob it good-night at Soundwave & Co* B l u r r: / waves claw at everyone. Wiggles for Drift. Will lay on the couch and work on his datapad / Drift: *wiggles fingers at Blurr. and he's out.* Whirl: *will now sleep; it's been Quite a Day and he is tired* B l u r r: / will probably also sleep in here /

[kyberled]

☀ ♦ ♥ ☢ ✖

the salty af munday meme

☀ What’s your rp pet peeve? –> Ship forcing. This is literally the best way to get me to unfollow or even block another mun. I’ll explain what ship-forcing is below, but yeah, that’s one of them.

♦ What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise? –> See above. It happened once on my Warren blog, and once very recently on here. Now, a bit of a definition, here - I don’t see ship-forcing as asking me if I want to ship, or saying your muse has a crush on Braig - heck, that can be flattering (though I prefer if we know each other, first - it can get a bit uncomfy for me, kind of like virtual catcalling, I guess, when complete strangers tell me how attractive they think Braig is). I don’t see it as someone’s muse having feelings for Braig, one-sided or otherwise. All of these things are A-Okay, and can be quite fun, too! What I do see ship forcing is when someone asks if they can ship with Braig, and instantly, as soon as I say ‘we can give it a try’, deciding that our muses are suddenly soulmates, even if they’ve hardly said four sentences to each other, before. I see it as asking to ship, then immediately dropping the thread where they were actually in the process of meeting each other to have them now in the middle of a date, which, given the context of where, when, and how said date was taking place would likely have gotten them both killed. I see it as pestering Braig to do something ‘romantic’, having both Braig and I say no, he doesn’t want to, and the other person keeps pushing, regardless, or getting upset when Braig decides to respond with something not romantic and replying to that with some rude, snarky comment. ‘Uh, I think [muse] wanted Braig to do [X], actually’ - Yes, that has happened, before. I’ve been vagueblogged about, spammed on and off anon, been told I’ve made peoples’ depression/anxiety worse, had on-blog events ruined and muses killed and simply been harassed at all hours of the day because of ship-forcing and my trying to deal with it gently and politely, instead of just flat-out saying ‘no’ or ‘I’m not comfortable with this’. So, if it ever seems like I’m coming down too hard on someone in regards to shipping, I swear I don’t mean to come off as abrasive or rude - I just learned the hard way that you’ve gotta be blunt about your comfort zones or else things go south faster than a flock of geese on an adrenaline high. Basically, to sum this novel up: As long as you respect my boundaries, we’re good; if I haven’t told you you’re skeeving me out, we’re good. If I have told you you are, and you keep doing whatever it was, we’re not so good. 

☢ What fads/trends are you so over? –> I don’t really keep up with trends enough to know lmao. I mean I guess I’ve seen a few, but they don’t really bother me. You do you, and all… Though, I guess I never entirely understood the whole ‘personified objects’ thing? I mean, you do you, and all, but it just never  made sense to me.

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started? –> It hasn’t, not really. I think the only real changes have been purely aesthetic, like small text,  contained themes, etc. I really don’t care what other people do, as long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone.

♥ What’s the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

[Under a cut for length]

Okay, so, I told two of my rp horror stories over on Xig, so I’ll tell my third one here. Since I gave the other two pseudonyms, we’ll call this one ‘Cheeper’. Cheeper was someone I had met when a mutual friend we’ll call Battery allegedly recommended my blog to them. Now, Battery was someone I had approximately zero problems with. Really friendly, sweet guy, talented writer, great sense of humour, one of my favourite people to write with. So, I figured, if Cheeper was a friend of Battery’s, they must be cool, too, right? … Wrong. So, things start out okay-ish, as they always do, but things get downhill pretty fast. Starts off with small things, like ignoring asks or dropping literally all of our threads without letting me know. And I understand wanting to drop threads or not being able to get to everything in your ask box, but when that happens consistently, it gets a little disheartening.

The next little thing was when they started making AUs of my muse, and expecting me to write them. Lemme say here that I am totally fine with people suggesting AUs for my muses. That’s where this blog came from, Rodi suggesting a Star Wars AU where another one of my muses was Obi’s padawan, so, again, I’m fine with AU prompts. What I’m not fine with is when someone writing a really detailed version of my muse without consulting me at all, and then expecting me to write that AU they made with no warning and no problems. Cheeper comes into my IMs listing this novel-length AU detailing not only how their muse changed, but how mine did, as well. Basically, the entire idea was that their muse, who in canon was a big tank-type character who had been straight-up abusive to multiple characters, and turned them into a small, fluffy little mage who was actually a good guy and hadn’t done any bad things, and was being forced to do the bad guys’ dirty work, whereas my muse… Was suddenly the abusive one. For absolutely no reason. In a way that not only completely contradicted all of my personal headcanons - all of which were posted and easily viewable on my blog - but also went against all of what canon had showed us about my muse, and quite frankly made me really uncomfortable. I mean, you’ve seen some of the stuff I’ve written, you know I’m down to write some pretty messed up stuff, but to straight up turn my muse into a child abuser, WITHOUT CONSULTING ME AT ALL, just so your muse can be the good guy? That doesn’t fly so well. On top of that, writing such a detailed version of my muse and expecting me to play it for you? Why not write it yourself? I mean like I said, I am thrilled with AU suggestions, but, hell, keep it to a sentence or two, tops. Let me experiment and develop my muse to fit the AU myself, thanks. … And, while these things were pretty irritating, especially when a few of them happened over and over again, it got worse.

A lot of the time, when I’m having OOC conversations to get to know another mun before we start writing together, I look for a sort of ‘spark’ or ‘click’ - something that shows this person and I are gonna get along. For a lot of people, including my favourite partners, this click is basically immediate - just this instant ‘wow, we’re gonna be good friends, this is great!’, and, for others, it takes a bit longer, and that’s totally okay! Some people take a while to open up, or maybe it wasn’t a good day for one of us, I totally get it, happens to me, too. How quickly the click happens has absolutely NO BEARING ON MY OPINION OF A PERSON WHATSOEVER. There have been I think only three or four times I haven’t clicked with someone - twice on Warren, once on Xig, and once here. If I message you first, send asks, tag you in things, like your posts, etc, we’ve clicked, don’t worry. Anyway, Cheeper was one of these rare occurrences where there was not only no click, there was the opposite of a click. At first I thought it was just ‘cause our first convo was a bit awkward - from what I remember, it was basically just ‘hi, My name is [Cheeper], I’m [Battery]’s friend and he recommended your blog so I thought I’d give you a follow’, you know, typical ‘hi, nice to meet you’ type thing, I didn’t think much of it. Unfortunately, that was the only pleasant conversation we had.

You see, Cheeper had the habit of starting conversations with some variation of ‘how are you?’. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Well, in typical Canadian fashion, I always did my best to follow social protocol and be polite, and say ‘I’m good/fine/great, thanks, how are you?’, and, much like Han Solo, I learned that there are some situations you shouldn’t ask that question. Every time, without fail, Cheeper would say some variation of ‘bad’ or ‘horrible’, and proceed to dump literally all their life’s problems on me, and I mean all of them. I’m perfectly fine with letting my friends vent/rant to me as much as they need, and offering advice is a pass-time of mine. But, I had only known this person for- Less than a week, when this started (I hardly even knew their NAME I had to look it up on their blog), and they kept going on and on about some really personal shit, like hours of how they hated their job and school was stressful, and their family was aphobic and never used the right pronouns, literally everything about their personal life, no matter how private it was, just- Constant negativity, all the time. It was literally all they spoke about, ever. I don’t know anything else about them, just that their life was terrible and they decided to use me as some sort of verbal stress ball. Even if I tried to divert the conversation to a different topic, or just ignore them entirely, I’d still get floods of negativity and complaints. And what makes it even better? They had a frickin therapist! This person, who had a professional, trained therapist, would spend hours unloading all of their mental/emotional burdens on me, an untrained stranger who had only said ‘hi’ to them once. And, after they had dumped all their baggage on me, they’d say, ‘oh, gotta go, it’s time to go to my therapist’. And, honestly? That was the only time I felt safe to post on my blog. Yes, you read that right - it was the only time I felt safe to post on my own blog. I honestly could not make a post on my blog without Cheeper spamming my IMs with boatloads of stress-inducing negativity. And, call me selfish, call me insensitive, call me whatever you want, but, fuck, I had my own problems! I was in university, trying to get law school level grades, while working a part time job to try and help my family out when we were struggling financially, doing what I could to make sure there was enough food in the fridge for my younger brothers, trying to help my grandma take care of my grandpa, trying to keep up with my martial arts - which I have to do in order to keep my job - and trying to write multiple essays for both my younger brother and myself, as we were prepping for our black sash tests, but he was also trying to get into film school, so I’d volunteered to write the sash essays for him, and, let me tell you, I did not need to play counsellor to someone I didn’t even know on top of that. And, like I said, this happened constantly, and I’d get a new flood of messages every time I so much as hinted at being online.

And believe it or not, it got worse, Sakrine.

I remember there was one conversation we had (’conversation’ being used loosely, of course) towards the end of our interactions where Cheeper was complaining at me, as per usual, and mentioned how all of their friends were blocking them without saying why. Funnily enough, I was planning on blocking them soon, myself (probably should have done it a long time ago). But, lo and behold, right after saying how they were always getting blocked, Cheeper goes and says ‘but you’d never block me, so at least I have you. You’re my best friend, Jay’. And I’m sitting here really uncomfortable because, uh, no, we’re not best friends, and I have no idea what gave them that idea, since I never told them anything of the sort, and in fact barely spoke to to them at all, both because I didn’t much care for their company, and because I could hardly get a word in edgewise - and, even if I could, how does one respond to a total stranger badgering you for advice on how to deal with their family not handling their being out well? I’m not out to my family, and I don’t think I ever will be, so, again, how can I give that sort of advice to someone I don’t know?

About the time this was happening was when I met and was chatting with Rodi, who’s actually one of my best friends and the light of my life. Like I mentioned above, it was at her suggestion that I decided to make this li’l OC mess that we know and love here. He was originally gonna be a verse on my other blog, until I realised that I’d have tags for a Jedi verse, a padawan verse, a Sith verse, etc., and that was too many for one AU, so I made a sideblog. Then, after only a day of having that, and a bit of encouragement from both Rodi and Milla (my main Talon), I made this stand-alone blog for my son, and I was having a great time.

Cheeper, however, was not, and made sure I knew it.

Now, my muse for that blog had been steadily dying, mostly because of this, but also for a few other, more minor reasons, and I felt way more comfortable here, was having more fun, and generally just enjoying myself way more on this blog than the other, so, naturally, this is where I spent most of my time. Within a day or two of my neglecting Xig, Cheeper pops into the IMs to complain about me, to me. Yes, I am dead serious, this is an actual thing that happened. They start badgering me to go back to my other blog, and, I dunno if this has ever happened to you, but, it’s really disheartening. I explained to Cheeper that I felt more comfortable on this blog (though I didn’t tell them why I felt that way on Xig; Perhaps I should’ve), that I had more drafts and asks on this blog, and that I had more muse for this character at the moment, so I’d be spending my time over here, at least for a little bit. Their oh-so-eloquent response was, and this is a verbatim quote, ‘boo, you suck.’ And I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, so I didn’t. I just sat there, staring, feeling an interesting concoction of shocked, annoyed, and offended. About a minute later, they added a ‘lol, just kidding’, and proceeded to… Continue… To complain about me, as well as about their life and still expected me to give them advice and solutions I didn’t have. I’ve never had someone act more entitled to my time and energy as this person did. 

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking - ‘they were probably just some kid, Jay, young people can be like that at times, you’re taking it too hard’, and, hey, I thought so, too. I was nineteen years old when this was happening; Cheeper was around 24 or 25. Yup, this person was about five or six years older than me, and a grown-ass adult the entire time. And like I said, they were constantly acting entitled to everything I did, like I owed them something. There was another time where I’d actually gotten a bit of muse for my other blog back, so I went on, answered a bunch of asks, slammed out some drafts, sent some memes, answered some IMs… It was a really productive evening for me. Once I was finished, I came back here and got a bit more done. Next morning rolls around, and Cheeper messages me with ‘I miss you, dude. You’re never on Xig, any more.’ I tell them that, actually I’d been on last night, for a few hours, at least. Their response? ‘Well, I wasn’t on.’, after which they kept complaining about how much they missed my muse and my writing. I get this was probably supposed to be flattering, but it really wasn’t? Especially considering that, while they were going on and on about how much they missed me and wanted to write with me, they were completely ignoring the THREE STARTERS I had written for them in the weeks leading up to this point. Hadn’t even given them a like, which I like to do to let someone know that, even if I’m slow as all Hell - which I tend to be - I have seen it, and it’s in my drafts. So, I mentioned this to Cheeper, said ‘you know, I have a couple starters for you on the other blog, why don’t you check those out?’ ‘Oh, I didn’t see them, I’ll give them a look.’ And then, blissfully, they stopped messaging. Little while later, a few days, I got another message from them (keep in mind I never contacted them or interacted with them first, since, rude as it may sound, I was kind of hoping they’d get the message), and once again they were whining about how I was never on Xig again, so I went to check the starters again, and… Still no notes. So I ask them about the starters, and they say ‘I couldn’t find them’. You know how I looked them up? [my blog’s url]/tagged/[cheeper’s url], and, bam. There they were. I told Cheeper this and even sent them the link to their tag. They said okay, that they’d check it out later, and started complaining about their life again. I was serious when I said this was the only thing they talked about, outside of basically harassing me to write with them. Few days later, they get on my case AGAIN for not being on Xig/not rping with them. I check the THREE FUCKING STARTERS again,  STILL NO NOTES. I ask, and ‘oh I just don’t have muse for them right now lol’. And I’m left sitting here like, okay, do you really want to write with me, or are you just mad I’m not dedicating all of my attention to you and your godawful AU muses? I mean, I have NOTHING against AU muses - that’s where this kiddo came from, after all - but AUS WHERE THEY PUSHED MY CHARACTER TO BE A FUCKING CHILD ABUSER WERE APPARENTLY ALL THEY HAD MUSE FOR. And my character was a moral fuckhead I admit but he WASN’T OVERTLY ABUSIVE THAT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I WAS COOL PLAYING HIM AS THE ANTAGONIST HE WAS AND JUST. And as well, when I have no muse, it’s apparently a major fuckin’ disaster and they complain to the ends of the earth about it and go on and on about how I should still be writing that character and how much they miss me, but when THEY have no muse I have to accommodate it and make allowances and write with them anyway???? Like???

So anyway yeah they proceeded to ignore those starters for months, and every time I posted a new starter call,they’d like that, I’d post a starter, they’d completely ignore it, then come crying and complaining to me, berating me and all but sobbing about how much they missed me.

BUT IT GETS WORSE STILL, SAKRINE.

After a while, Cheeper starts asking me about Star Wars. And I’m torn between ‘fuck no, this is my new safe place, and I’m TRYING TO BE SAFE FROM YOU’ and ‘well maybe if they get into this series they’ll stop getting upset with me for not writing on a blog I have no muse for and am not comfortable on’. So they ask me what they need to watch to understand Star Wars. I tell them to watch the movies, since those are the unchanging canon, no matter what Disney did to the Legends material. Apparently they don’t even have the attention span for their favourite show, so they can’t watch the movies. They complain to me about that for a while, because apparently I care. I did not. I tell them that everything Star Wars - or at least, in the era I write in - revolves around those movies. I tell them they can just watch the PT (and explain what the different trilogies are) and that will get them caught up with where I write. Nope, can’t do that. So I tell them there are book versions of the movies they can read, instead, and there are also comics and stuff they can look into if that would be better.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for books.

Complain about that to me for a while, then ask what they absolutely HAVE to watch to understand. 

I tell them about the Clone Wars show, give them a link to the relevant KissCartoon page. They ask how long the show is - I tell them the number of seasons (mention that 6 is unfinished), and the average length of an episode.

Nope, don’t have the attention span for that, either.

They reiterate that they hardly have the attention span for their favourite show, and once again complain to me before asking me what the /HAVE TO WATCH/ to understand.

I tell them that they’re free to try interacting with my muse on their KH blogs, since I’m open to crossovers and still, for some ungodly reason, trying to be civil.

They keep asking about star wars.

I mention the video games.

Don’t have the attention span for video games.

So this person, who apparently can’t watch movies or TV shows, or read books or comics, or play video games, is asking me what source material they need to know to roleplay a Star Wars verse. 

I, as a last-ditch and mostly sarcastic effort, give them a link to Wookieepedia. I’m a terrible person, I know.

…

They don’t have the patience to look through the wiki pages.

I’m all but smashing my face against the keyboard now, while this person is COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HOW LONG STAR WARS IS. 

I mean I get it’s a lot but I tried to break it down?? And last I checked I’m not George Lucas like I’m sorry but it’s not my fault, my problem, or in my power to change? And I tell them it’s 40 years worth of worldbuilding and try to help them break it down again and they just KEEP FUCKING COMPLAINING.

And after like. Two hours of me trying to reason with them and help them out they say ‘I’m not even interested in star Wars, I just want to write with you’. 

And now, maybe I’m reading into it too much. Maybe I listen to too many narrated Let’s Not Meet videos too late at night. But holy shit, I have never felt like I had a legitimate stalker until that moment. It was one of the most uncomfortable things that has ever happened to me. I had zero idea how to respond, and so again I don’t think I did. Or, if I did, it was to again try to explain to them that there was a lot of material, and they should [leavemethefuckalone] focus on things they were interested in, especially if they didn’t think they could handle just the show. So they complain to me about that for a bit, before moving on to other topics to whine about. Always comes back to how I’m not writing with them any more (meanwhile, the countless starters I’ve written them are still being ignored, as are any and all threads we had on the go at the time. Everything’s either been ignored, abandoned, or both, all without letting me know.).I honestly don’t remember how that conversation ended. Just thinking about it makes me blank out and get a sort of mild pins-and-needles feeling. I mean, I get it was probably supposed to be flattering, and if we had been friends it might have been, but coming from this person? Alarm bells were ringing like a retro emergency evac PSE. 

AND IT GETS WORSE STILL, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I STILL PUT UP WITH THIS PERSON. 

So, enter me, just going back to uni for the spring/early summer semester. Our stage sets itself in my campus’ bookstore, at about noon or one o’clock in the afternoon. The line from the bookstore stretches from the counter, at one end of the store, wraps around the perimeter of that very large, very spacious room that was at one point a lecture hall, goes through the hall to the next room which also used to be a massive classroom, wraps around that and goes out the back door. I had to get up for an 8:30 that was across the field that day. I had non-stop class until this point, I had had no breakfast (though I think I had a sip of orange juice to keep from conking out), I had been waiting in line for close to an hour, my arms were full of heavy textbooks I dreaded having to pay for, and I only had one hand free for typing, and there was a chance I’d be late to my next class if this line didn’t get moving. As you can imagine, I wasn’t much in the mood for talking (though I think I made the effort for Rodi and Maddie (my best friend from public school who I still talk to) since I enjoy talking to them and it made me feel a bit better). Anyway, I’m in line, tired, irate, and scrolling through tumblr, and Cheeper messages me with a ‘hey’. Oh fuck, I think, this isn’t good. I greet them anyway - just a ‘hi’. I’m only giving one word answers at this point, since I’m not in a chatty mood, and, as I mentioned, I’m typing with just my thumb and that fucking sucks and takes forever, and I’m also trying to keep my place in line. Cheeper starts asking me about school, and I’m very confused, because never once in the months I’d known them had they ever taken an interest in me or my life. ‘so you’re in university right’ they ask. I remember most of this conversation word for word, and you’ll see why. ‘yeah’, I reply. ‘What year?’ they ask; ‘Second \o/’ I say, adding an emoji b/c I love that one. ‘Cool, what’s your major?’ they ask, and I’m getting hopeful that maybe they’ve turned a new leaf and my patience with them has been rewarded. So I tell them ‘Classics \O/’ with a slightly more excited emoji, and they tell me that’s cool, mention their major is in foreign languages - I think Chinese? Maybe Spanish? This is the one message I can never remember in its entirety, because the next one almost knocked me over. I replied with ‘cool’, and a half second later, Cheeper asks, 

“Are you out to your family yet?”

This complete fucking stranger, this grown-ass adult I barely knew, straight up asked me if I was out to my family, yet. I have never been asked that question before or since. I am out only to people on tumblr, and a small group of my most trusted friends from high school. And this person had the fucking audacity to ask me right out if I was. 

I was shocked.

I will not lie to you, I almost dropped my phone. I think I stopped breathing for a second, and I nearly lost my place in line. I was torn between just being frozen and being fucking livid. After a moment when I didn’t respond, they added, ‘Can I ask that?’ And I swear those two messages are tattooed into my mind.

“Are you out to your family yet?”

Holy fuck.

So I manage to collect myself enough to type out ‘no, I’m not’. 

‘Damn,’ they say. ‘Because my mom keeps messing up my pronouns and I wanted to know if you have any advice.’ 

Because why the fuck else would they care about me, right?

And then they proceeded to complain about their life and their aphobic family to me AGAIN, for HOURS, but at that point I’d been ignoring their messages and was instead talking to Maddie for advice on how to handle the situation. I had no idea what to do. I was lost. Like. I wanted to block them so bad but they’d been subtly guilt-tripping me about it for so long (’you’d never block me, you’re my best friend’ was just the start of that, tbh) that I felt bad for it? And Maddie was just like ‘jay no that’s fucked up get rid of them’ and I did.

I have never once regretted it and holy fuck it feels amazing to get this shit off my chest.

And yeah, so.

That was one of my worst RP experiences.

Are you out to your family yet.

I’d sell them to Satan for half a stale corn chip I swear to Christ. 

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[haeroniel-doliet]

thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird! 

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough  or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try. 

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability. 

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby. 

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit  so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.