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panticwritten · 6 years ago

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In-Between Collection #2 Scene 2

A Summons

Table of contents!

All of my writing!

What are the In-Between Collections?

This one happened sometime in the nebulous space that I was kind of pretending the Breaking Furnace daydream wasn’t happening lmao. I think it would have been around chapter 4.

Also, I’m gonna be 20 in two weeks, what is real life

Word count: 1241

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The Original June 22nd 2016

In less than a month in the real world, I’ve progressed years in the new Gravity Falls universe. I haven’t been able to find more than traces of Bill. I’m starting to think I might have to summon him to get him to show his face.

That’s a little hard to swing when I’m trying to convince Stanford not to drop out of Backupsmore. He’s so close to finishing his thesis, the whole thing will be ruined if he doesn’t get through it.

We need funding in Gravity Falls, after all. It’s hard enough to explain where I get my money as it is, but if I could suddenly fund our research it would bring up questions I can’t answer. I doubt it would go over well that I work for an organization that hired me to fuck with his life.

I kneel down to gather another armful of fallen debris. I might be able to get by with checks from the Scouts in the new universe, but I have to actually work in the real world. Preparing firebreaks is mind-numbing enough for me to be able to talk to Kane at the same time, however.

“I still don’t think you had to start so early.”

He keeps pace with me on my back and forth between the tree line and our brush piles. I don’t look at him. I’m not sure how long we’ve been working today. I’m starting to get a headache, and I’m not sure if it’s from the work itself or Kane’s voice.

“I knew he would get closed off later. The only other people he talks to without prompting are his parents and Fiddleford.” I clench my jaw and resist the temptation to fall back into the universe, back into the argument with Stanford. “These days I’m more of a sounding board than an actual person, I think.”

“Genuine affection?” Kane appears in front of me, head inclined. “That’s dangerous.”

I walk right through him.

“I don’t know how much about him I’ve changed just by being there,” I go on as if he never spoke. “But I would never be able to get close enough if I waited much longer.”

“Have you found your contact yet?”

I shake my head, just a little, even in the real world.

“I think he’s tipped his hat at me in the few chances I’ve had to sneak away to Gravity Falls, but—” I stop with a grunt, knelt down to tug a branch back into the road. “—I might have to risk opening my mind to him if I want him to talk to me.”

He makes a thoughtful sound, and I finally take the bait to step back into my full dreamscape. I keep half a mind on my job, but the two of us land back in the Cube to talk. I turn on my heel to face him.

“About time.”

He lounges against the wall with a thick envelope held out in offering. It doesn’t look like a job card, but he doesn’t have any other business to be bothering me with. I make no move to take it, so he holds it up to inspect it under the light.

“I don’t know the last time I had to deliver a summons.” He gives me a side-eye. “Especially to an F-Class Scout.”

I glower and hold a hand out for the envelope. He surprises me by actually handing it over.

“And where am I being summoned to?” I ask while I break the wax sealing it shut.

“The council.”

I pause with the thick paper halfway out of its sheath. I stare down at my hands with the momentary expectation for it to attack.

But, no, it’s just paper. A normal envelope carrying a letter on the kind of stationary I wish I could afford. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to receive from an Ivy League college or a government official. It’s certainly fancier than the scrolls I normally send notes around the Cube in.

I’ve always gotten the feeling that the council hated me. I’ve only heard whispers, rumors of threats, from the group. I’ve met only one of the members, though I’m almost certain he’s not a good indication of what the council is like.

They’re the ones that hold our lists. They keep track of who they can use as leverage against individual Scouts. They watch us and decide what requires punishment in the form of making those lists shorter.

I manage to only hesitate a few seconds before diving in and reading the letter. It’s a full sheet of paper, but it only bears five words typed neatly in the center.

‘Come at your earliest convenience.’

I fold the paper and shove it back into the envelope. I look back to Kane, who watches me with narrowed eyes.

I won’t let him see that I’m nervous.

I won’t let him see anything.

“Take me to them.”

~-S-~

I try to avoid actually going to the Scouts’ main headquarters. Base. Lair. Whatever. It’s busy, everyone recognizes me, and I don’t like it. I want to keep my work with the Scouts and my identity in the Cube as separate as possible. I’m starting to think that won’t be possible.

I force myself not to look at anyone, at anything. I only take in a vague impression of gray in the halls, the rumble of voices only presenting as a low hum. A few faces jump out at me as more familiar than others, members of The Collective and others I wasn’t aware of being part of the clan.

If they try to talk to me, it doesn’t register.

I focus on Kane instead.

I thought he would lead and expect me to follow. He doesn’t. He walks barely a half-step ahead of me, so I have to watch him out of the corner of my eye. I’ve never seen a trainee walk beside their supervisor.

Then again, Kane hasn’t exactly been treating me like a trainee lately. All of it’s off, ever so slightly. I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t know him so well.

The smile, missing its mocking edge. His stride straight and clipped instead of fluid. Where’s the joke he always seems to be telling just by being present?

He’s normally so difficult to work with. I have to jump through hoops to get an answer. He twists and flips a problem until I come to the conclusion he wants me to, making it sound like it’s my idea. Distracts me when I’m trying to do my job or focus on the real world.

I didn’t have to convince him to hand over the summons.

I think back on it, to when he first offered me my job back. He was his normal self then. He stayed that way until I accepted it. Until I finished training. Until I started the job in Gravity Falls.

No.

He dropped it once. It was the second time I’d ever seen him let go of the persona. When he came to tell me about the new member of The Collective in the Breaking Furnace universe, he was serious.

Almost kind.

Since then, we’ve almost been on the same foot. He only hovers as much as the rules say he has to. He follows me on jobs, reminds me of deadlines, the bare minimum. Other than that, he stays out of my way with just a touch of snark.

“Here we are.”

His voice doesn’t reflect the change at all. Light, a laugh hidden beneath the words. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes when he stops in front of a wide door, though.

I reach for the door, but he grabs my arm. I freeze.

The last time he physically stopped me from doing something, I almost got myself killed. He would have been fine, he’s made of cement. I would have been fine eventually, would have woken up good as new. No one wants to die, though.

It stuck with me, I guess.

“Be careful,” he mutters. “They don’t take well to clever kids.”

He doesn’t let go right away, and that’s probably a good thing. I can’t move, though the desire to flee sears my blood. I shouldn’t have come. It would have been better to take my chances and ignore the council.

The thought flickers and dies when Kane releases me. He opens the door so I don’t have much choice but to walk in.

The door clicks shut behind me to leave me walking down a plush hall on my own. I have to squint in the low light, but there isn’t much to see. A crimson carpet and bare cream walls leading up to a door set at the end of the passage, that’s it.

Dark, warm, red. I hate the cliche of walking down a lion’s throat, but come on. Such a straight, plain hall leaves no room for surprises. It also gives me nowhere to hide if I lose my nerve.

But nothing happens. Nothing peels from the walls on the attack. No shadows move. The big, bad, tongue of a floor doesn’t constrict and drag me into the depths. I reach the luxurious door wound like a spring, but otherwise unharmed.

The room it spits me out in leaves me blind and uneasy. I pause when the door closes, frozen in place. My ears strain, panic pushing me to survey what I can how I can. I’m too aware of everything I’ve heard of the council to push down the fear clawing up my throat.

To believe the silence.

Families going missing. Friends put in the hospital. Children recruited. Punishments, all of it, against disobedient workers. Why would they call me here? If I did something wrong, why would they call for me instead of striking a name?

It occurs to me that I may have been looking at this wrong.

How many lists am I on?

I heard D joined the Scouts just days after I took Kane’s job offer. Half the Cube must be on his with how many strays he picks up. Then there’s the members of The Collective I saw on the way in. Haz, Jezebeth, who knows how many others? Is it too much to hope that they don’t care enough for me to be on theirs’?

I’m not the most rebellious out of us all. If Haz ignores an order or Jezebeth mouths off, could I be a target? If D refuses to hurt someone? If Gray’s out there, she vanishes at the drop of a hat. If it’s decided she needs incentive to stay here, am I on her list?

I know I could take out the council if I wanted to. I could level the entire base, leave a hole in the Cube so deep nothing could crawl out of it. It could be over, the lists and the jobs and the orders.

But I can’t—more accurately, I won’t.

I’ve been hasty before and had it come back to bite me. Destroyed Tchaikovsky’s original compound not long after I left, ended up with the man himself on my doorstep because I convinced myself he was gone.

If that happens with the Scouts, worse will happen than a single nightmare haunting me. I’ve made death too temporary here. No matter what I want, they would come back.

No.

I have to find out what they want like a good little soldier.

I take a miraculously steady breath and unclench my hands. I didn’t realize I’d curled them in so tight. I focus on the sting and imagine the half-moon impressions on my palm when I step out into the dark.

I don’t know if they’ve been watching me—I’m not sure if they could, it’s so dark—but a light flicks on before I take more than a few steps. Before my bearings can become more mixed up than they already are. Before I can trip up the stairs to the raised platform illuminated in the spotlight just in front of me.

I manage not to hesitate to climb onto the circular platform and settle in the center. The dramatics of the whole thing make it feel so staged it’s almost easy to pretend it’s all for show.

Just another performance.

I can do that.

I hold my head high to slide my gaze over the seven figures seated above me. I work to keep myself from showing even a flicker of the defiance or fear I feel, but I know better than to think I fully succeed. I’ve faced worse than the council, but I’ve cracked at less.

I probably should have put on my uniform before coming here, though I haven’t touched it once since receiving it. It might make me seem more conforming. Less like I’m spitting in their face just by existing.

At first glance the council members appear identical. Their white hoods block what little of the light focused on me hitting them, fabric masks cover what the hood doesn’t. Unlike the standard Scout uniform, aside from the arrogance of being white while the rest of us need the black uniforms to keep from being seen, their sleeves cover their arms, snug against the seams of their shorter gloves.

The longer I stand here in silence, though, the more I see.

The hood of the second to the right bulges, the telltale sign of horns or too much hair hidden underneath. Their mirror has a snout, their mask fitted to compensate. A shadow looms behind the center chair, and it takes me a second to recognize them as wings. On the far left, red eyes gleam through the shadows of the hood.

Devon.

I don’t linger on him, wary of revealing I know the guy. I doubt that would help either of us out any.

My chest hurts, the anxiety now physically painful. I don’t know what they’re waiting for. Am I supposed to say something? Am I supposed to suffer and wait? I can’t make a wrong move here.

I might be hot shit in the Cube, but this isn’t my territory. I have too much history of disobedience, too much power. I could sway half of this universe against them if I tried, they know I could walk out of here and unmake them with barely a thought.

But they also know I don’t enjoy ruining the ending of a good story.

And that’s the whole reason I’m here, isn’t it?

So I wait, hands at my sides, obedient. I won’t give them any reason to believe I’m a threat. They’re just as good at setting hidden plots in motions as I am.

“Perry.”

I incline my head rather than speak aloud. I don’t know if I’d be able to hide my surprise at Devon being the one to address me first.

“You have shown remarkable ability, considering how long you were—” he pauses and the others hiss a breath on cue. “—away.”

Do they rehearse these things?

“It’s as if you never left,” he purrs. “Aside from the rebellious attitude you seem to have shed.”

Rebellious attitude.

I lift my head, careful not to move too fast, and turn my eyes on Devon.

I’ve met him once, not long before I ‘went away.’ He was cold and completely ignored me until Kane left the room. His gaze felt like it could read everything about me, but all I could do was glare at him like the little shit I was when I was eight.

I can’t remember what he said, when he finally spoke to me, but it confused me. Something about Kane. I can almost find the shape of the words, but they’ve been lost to time.

The figure in the center chair shifts. Their wings catch the light, though not enough for me to really see them. It would be too easy to identify them if I did, I suppose.

“Your supervisor has hinted that your current classification is restricting both your efficiency and improvement.” The winged council member’s voice snakes through the room, high and smooth. Unfamiliar. “Knowing this, your council has seen fit to elevate you to your previous status.”

I raise my brows, but still say nothing. This isn’t what I expected. Not only am I not being threatened, I’m being promoted? Skipping a classification?

“Your talents are wasted in F-Class—see that you continue to impress.”

Ah, there’s the threat.

“Do you require any clarifications or reminders of what returning to D-Class will require of you?” a thin wheeze asks from the far right. “It has been several years, after all.”

I hesitate.

I remember how it works. My supervisor will fill my PDA with pre-screened jobs for me to choose from instead of handpicking them for me. I have a quota, a balance between jobs of different sizes, that I’m expected to fill. He doesn’t have to shadow me. He technically doesn’t have to contact me at all unless I’m behind, but expecting Kane to leave me alone is laughable.

This is highly unusual.

Both times I was promoted as a kid, Kane walked in and announced it by throwing me an official description of my new responsibilities and a new PDA equipped for them. As far as I know, the council doesn’t do this. This isn’t how this works.

But Kane warned me about being clever. What would they consider cheek? Would asking why they decided to give me the news be presumptuous? Would asking any question be ruled as another strike against me?

In the end, I ask when I’ll be getting my D-Class PDA. The one in my pocket will be useless in my new role.

The winged council member’s face mask strains in a smile, and I can’t help the feeling they’re laughing at me. I don’t move, sure that if I do I won’t be leaving this room.

“It was delivered to your supervisor moments ago,” they say. “You’d better go get it.”

It would be hard to miss a dismissal as pointed as that.

I dip my head in a nod, touch my left hand to my right shoulder in a hasty salute, and turn on my heel. It takes all of my self control not to run.

When I open the door to leave the room, I step out back in the fresh air of forest instead of the terrible hall. A handful of sticks falls from my hand, and I have to re-orient myself. The taste of fear still sticky in my throat, the dreamscape a thick web clinging to my skin.

I’ll have to deal with that later. I have to get the PDA from Kane. I have to sort through the terror keeping me from scooping up sticks with any kind of efficiency. I have to decide if the satisfaction at a promotion makes me a bad person or not.

Leaving a dream is always a lot harder than getting into it, and I’m starting to wonder if I ever really leave them anymore.

#writing #madd #maddart #in between collections #my writing #this one turned out really good #i hope #!! we're almost to death sentence what the fuck #i cant believe it

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xuseokgyu · 3 years ago

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This might be the longest one yet.......... rip. i had some stories to tell.... :((

My job is to mostly to tell people when they make mistakes lmao. i work in document quality control ? for a manufacturing company, mostly check the inspection paperwork and certificates for the medical/surgical devices. and then have to be like this... is not right. fix this. currently have a lot of prototype parts going through which have some added requirements but also they keep changing the prints so then obviously the paperwork then changes and its just been annoying cuz its redo-ing a lot of paperwork.

yeah, that makes sense and that is part of it sometimes... i also think im just not in the mood for certain genres of music at times lol.

lol yeah it was so funny in the beginning she was watching some mv's and kept sending me screenshots of jeonghan with different hair styles with this message "who is this????" and every single time it was still jeonghan. i was just like lmao you should just assume that its jeonghan at this point. her defense was that he looks really different every time he changes his hair. she can recognize him now at least. the only other ones she can recognize currently are s.coups (her current favorite member overall) and vernon (her favorite rapper in their songs - she really like how vernon raps). shes more rap biased lol.

thank you.. you are only a little late lol my bday was the 11th. the last time i played bingo i spent $40 total over two days (80 games @ $0.50/game) and won zero. its a skill... i only got close to bingo (1 space away) like 3 times total. it was really tragic... at one point the lady sitting at the same table as us was just like wow... i haven't seen you even get three in a row since i've been here (which was like an hour).

We went to the same kindergarten, then i moved away and then i moved back in the 8th grade (i also have known the friend that is getting into svt for the same amount of time since she went to that same school, though her family are basically neighbors with my cousins family, and they are really close, so i saw her a lot more overall but wasn't super close to her until more recently actually, when we went to the same wedding (my cousin's) and starting talking again)

also to help this make more sense (as in why would they remember me lol) my graduating class size at that school was only 22 people, and my cousins also went to that same school. my dad went to that school, the english teacher there had taught my dad when he was in high school, its extreme small town vibes. people would literally just recognize what family i came from and just start talking to me. and i'd just be frantically trying to figure out who they were. like oh god oh god am i supposed to know who this is?? have i met this person before???

actually the wackiest thing is one of my friends from when i moved (big school), her grandma, i found out after we moved back to the small town, used to babysit my dad and her grandmas house was literally a mile down the street from us... you could see her grandmas house from our living room windows. i was just like what?? her cousins also then went to the same school as me. and then we fell out of touch but then ended up going to the same college. where she would be like "i saw you on campus today" and i was just like??? i did not see you, where are you? i haven't talked to you in like 3 years wtf?? i'm not in touch with her anymore but my younger sister is currently roommates with her younger sister in college lmao. oh other bizarre thing... one of my classmate's (from the big school) relatives bought the house we sold when i moved in kindergarten, and idk for some reason a few years after we moved we went back to the old house for something idk, and my classmate was visiting her family at my old house at the same time. we saw each other and we just stared at each other like what are you doing here?? we had moved like hour away (highway travel times) lol so it was just so random. (wow i hope these made sense lol)

the heat was worse in the beginning of summer i think... or i've just gotten used to it lol. there was all that smoke though that blew in from canada a bit ago though. but thats almost become a yearly thing now unfortunately. lol your weather sounds like how the weather is here sometimes - i live in minnesota, we are known for our wildly fluctuating weather. extreme highs and lows.

I love piano in music! I had to learn how to play piano as a kid... my grandma taught (most) of the grandchildren. i'm not very good at it tbh i never liked to practice and i havent played in years lol. we also learned how to play the piano/read sheet music when i went to the big school for music class for a year. I feel like if you are able to buy a little cheap or used keyboard it shouldn't be too hard to teach yourself if you wanted to start?? at least simple songs. I guess learning to read music would be the hardest place to start if you've never read sheet music before?? but thats what cheat sheets are for tbh. write the notes in, write them on the keys whatever works. we had a foldable note cheat sheet thing that went behind the keys and said the name of the note and where it was on the staff behind all the keys. when I was learning i'd be like b b b where is the b im looking for... ah here it is *ding* ok and now c ... c . c. ah ha *ding* and then repeat until you can play at a normal speed lol.

oh hands down its Oh My! best summer song lol i love Oh My! .... You Made My Day is also my fav album... what about you?

also what's ur favorite cold drink (#2)? picked this one cuz I have been buying myself bubble tea like once a week almost uhhh all summer lol the tapioca pearls at this place are so much better than other places i've been to and this place has cheese foam that i have also become obsessed with (tho thats very expensive its an extreme treat myself drink add-on lol) the blended mango with cheese foam... so good.... its like $7 though. today i got the normal mango milk tea which i hadn't had in a while cuz i'd been going through the various types of regular? milk tea (made with different types of black tea - i love black tea i have um a lot of tea i think i have like 15 different types rn). Otherwise I almost always have ginger ale in my fridge lol its great for a lot of things and also just to drink. love ginger ale... i just love ginger honestly.....

Is 1am and I should be sleeping but I wanna answer this before reveal day!!!

Best job description 😂😂 I feel like your job is one that can become automatic very easily so I can see how the changes can be annoying

SCoups and Vernon are definitely the ones with more distinctive faces, they were the ones I recognized better first, same for my father... he knows the names of all the members now but he still messes up the three Js hahah Jeonghan Joshua and Jun always take a while for him to recognize, sometimes Wonwoo too, which drives my sister crazy cause two of her three bias are there 😂😂

These small town vibes are so cool! I love that you have this community and managed to form long lasting friendships!! I basically had the same classmates for ten years and as soon as we graduated I lost touch... I made great friends at college tho The pandemic has been hard, we are respecting our health and haven’t seen each other personally since it all started, but I hope once we can meet again everything will go back to how it was between us

I had a situation sort of similar to yours at school too ahha My mom was and had already been a teacher (P.E.) at my school for years so all the staff and a looot of the older students knew who I was, but I had no idea who those people were hahah To this day almost everywhere we go together we will encounter some old student of hers...

Is so cool that your grandma did that! But I can see how it was more a task than something you truly wanted to do so you probably wouldn’t be very excited heheh I was part of a choir growing up and we had sheet music but our teacher never truly showed us how to read it, I know the basics but is literally like a toddler that just learned the alphabet hahah

Oh my! really is THE summer song I completely agree with you there!! I also absolutely loove the mv and whole comeback seemed really cool

Oohh I only had bubble tea once and I want to drink it again!! I only know of one place that sells it here, it is still a pretty new “concept” so there’s not a lot of shops around... And I never had ginger ale! I’m super curious about it cause I’ve heard it being mentioned in, like, tv series, but I don’t drink sodas so I don’t know if I would break my “diet” for a taste heheh My favorite cold drink is lemon iced tea, the ones we have here are really sweet and kinda “sparkling”? (I don’t know how to say it... is almost like a soda but not really 😅) Even during the winter, we drink it during weekends cause is a “special drink” hahahah not a Brazilian thing, just in my house

#hope you had a great weekend anon!!#super curious to reveal day 👀#ask #anon #caratanonevent

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alirhi · 3 years ago

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Posting for a friend

I will probably take this down later lol. I didn't write it to share - remember my post a few days ago about writing fanfiction as free therapy? That's what this was - but I sent a tiny chunk of this to a friend last night and she seemed to like it, so I figured I'd let her read the whole thing. (Friend shall remain nameless, in case she was just being polite ❤😂)

Anyway, here, if you're bored and feel like reading some awkward and weird Sebastian Stan fanfiction lmao... (and yes, I am aware that it's wildly unrealistic and 90% of what Seb says and does would never actually happen. if I'd been planning on sharing this when I wrote it, I would have put in more effort to make it less stupid XD)

She couldn't believe she was really doing this. What the hell was wrong with her? This was so not going to end well. Heart in her throat, she wandered this city she hated with a burning passion and kept a lookout for familiar landmarks. Stalking. This was officially stalking, and it was creepy and horrible. What the hell was wrong with her?!

There he was. She stopped dead in her tracks, stunned; she'd been trying to find his gym or something, the saner part of her hoping she'd find nothing and could walk away saying she'd tried. She never expected to see him walking down the street, coffee in hand. At least he didn't appear to be on the phone, or with anyone.

Tightening her grip on the object in her hands, she sucked in a deep breath and forced herself to approach him. "E-Excuse me? Mr. Stan?" He stopped, breathtaking blue eyes locked on her, and she flinched. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry to bother you, and I know this is crazy unprofessional. I'm not even in the film business in any way, I just... I'm doing a favor for my sister. She's in film school, to be a director, and she was too scared to approach you."

"You don't sound too thrilled about it, yourself."

His wry smile soothed her nerves ever so slightly and she let out a nervous giggle. "Big fan. Also a big fan of respect and boundaries, so I pretty much hate myself right now. Um. So..."

He nodded to the thing she was unconsciously crumpling in her hands. "That a script?"

"Uh-huh." Shaking violently now, she thrust it out at him and nearly wept when he took it. "I know it's beyond a pipe dream, I just... I promised her I'd try, and... Well, it'd mean the world to us both if you would even bother reading it. The super pipe dream is... is you starring in it. As Ben."

Still smiling awkwardly, Sebastian was flipping absently through the pages. "Contact info in here?"

She nodded. "Hers; it's on the inside of the front cover."

He handed it back, smile widening when she began to quietly panic. "Add yours. I want you to act as her agent; this took guts. I'll let you know what I think, okay?"

"For real?" Quickly scribbling her name and phone number under her sister's information, she stammered, "M-mulțumesc!" Then she caught herself and cringed. "I'm sorry. I probably mangled that, I-"

"You speak Romanian?!"

She stole a glance at his beautiful face and immediately melted at the puppy-dog excitement there. With another nervous laugh, she admitted, "No. I've been trying to learn it, but not much has sunk in yet."

Sebastian chuckled, taking the script back and glancing at the cover. "Well, then I appreciate the effort even more, Ali. Nice to meet you. I'll let you know, okay?"

"I'll only be eagerly staring at my phone like a crazy person."

They both laughed and Ali turned to walk away before she could humiliate herself any further - though, she didn't think there was a new low to reach after driving five hours to stalk a stranger - when Sebastian stopped her with a gentle, "Hey." When she turned back to face him, he smiled, expression somewhere between tender and sly. "Why did you do this? Aside from her being your sister, what's your connection to all this?"

"What, I can't just be a good sister?" She laughed at the look on his face and blushed. "I never do anything. Smart or dumb, safe or risky... I just... I do nothing. I work, and if I'm lucky, I sleep. I guess I just wanted to be able to say I did something, even if it was stupid and crazy and, let's face it, really creepy. And I really am sorry for stalking you and disrupting your day. Thank you for not immediately calling the cops."

"Don't be so hard on yourself." He held up the script, grinning at her. "What started out super creepy turned out to actually be kinda sweet. I hope your sister knows how much you love her."

"She knows how much I love you." She'd muttered it under her breath, or thought she had. Apparently Sebastian had bat ears, because he turned pink and laughed. "...Sorry."

He shook his head. "I love you, too. I love all my fans."

"Wonder boy, you are perfect." That got another laugh out of him, and knowing her luck would run out soon if she didn't quit while she was ahead, she waved, wished him well, and fled.

The fact that she'd just met Sebastian fucking Stan kept her buzzing like a bumblebee in a jar for for the rest of the day. She nearly exploded with joy when he called her the next morning.

She almost ignored it out of habit; she never answered the phone if she didn't recognize the number. Then, kicking herself for her absurd optimism, on the off chance that it was him, she answered.

"Hey, it's Sebastian." As if she didn't know his voice! Her heart stopped, lodged itself in her throat again, and she just barely managed to choke out an awkward grunt by way of greeting. "So, I just finished the script, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet up for lunch to discuss it?"

Holy. Shit. She cleared her throat, but it didn't help much. "Uh... when?"

"Does around one or two work?"

"Today?!" Her eyes bugged, and then she realized she'd never told him where she was from and she laughed. "Um. It might have to be a bit later than that. I'm in Massachusetts."

"You drop off work for me and then just take off?" His tone was obviously teasing, and she smiled. "What the hell is that about? You're a crap agent!"

"I live in Massachusetts, dude! I had to go home and feed my cats."

He went from teasing to stunned in a heartbeat. "You mean you drove all the way down to New York to spend five minutes talking to me, and then drove all the way back?"

"Yep. I did mention that I'm a crazy person."

"Apparently!" He chuckled, and the sound warmed her heart. "It seems cruel to make you drive all the way back down here again when you just got home."

"I don't mind," she was quick to assure him. "I just need a little more time to get there, is all. It's a five-hour drive, not..." She glanced at the clock; it was eleven. "...Two."

"Alright, dinner then!" He still sounded somewhat dubious, but they made plans to meet up for dinner around six to give her some extra time in case of traffic, and hung up. Then Ali entered Panic Mode as she scrambled around the room trying to make herself presentable in a hurry.

It took until she was pulling onto the final road for her to realize the address Sebastian had texted to her wasn't in NYC; it wasn't even in New York. He was meeting her at a restaurant in CT. She'd been so distracted by the 'oh holy shit' of it all that she hadn't been paying much attention when she copied it into her phone's GPS.

"I figured you might be more comfortable out here," he explained with a smile when he showed up shortly after she did. When she reached out to shake his hand, he took hers and leaned down, kissing her cheek. "You don't strike me as the big city type."

"Not at all," she agreed with a laugh, trying not to blush as they settled in their seats. The script - now curled and spiked with little tabs and scraps of paper - sat on the table by his hand. Fighting the urge to sink into herself, she forced herself to ask, "So what did you think? Looks like you have some notes."

Sebastian smiled somewhat bashfully. "Oh, no. Well... kind of. My first run through, I marked scenes and lines that stood out to me, so I could pay extra attention when I went back over it. The 'notes' are mostly just my dorky comments."

"...Like...?"

His shy smile turned into a playful grin. "Let's order first. I'm starving!"

She absolutely hated eating in front of people, hot guys especially, but she didn't want to be weird and just watch him eat while she sipped water or something, either. Desperately praying that they'd both be too distracted by talking about work for her to be self-conscious, she scanned the menu for something cheap and simple.

"When's the last time you actually went on a date?" When her head snapped up and she gaped at him, Sebastian laughed. "I'm not saying that's what this is. I'd have been very clear and up front about it if I was asking you out. I just mean, you somehow look even more uncomfortable than you did yesterday, and you're looking at the prices before you even look at what the food actually is. I just figured you're not used to being treated to dinner."

"You never said you were treating," she pointed out with an awkward giggle. "I'm poor, and so is everyone I know. I always look at the prices first." Under no circumstances would she tell this man that she hadn't been on a "proper" date... ever, really.

"I don't even want to think about how much gas you burned through, driving down to New York and back in one day, and then coming down to Connecticut today." He laughed and shrugged. "I figured paying for dinner was the least I could do."

The least you could do? she thought, a little dismayed. Not having your stalker arrested or slapped with a restraining order is already more than most would do!

"Did I lose you somewhere?"

Jolted out of her thoughts, Ali blushed. "No, sorry. I just..." She stared at him, lost in those big blue eyes she loved so much. "You're not fake. Not that I thought you were! I just mean... Gods, you really are just the nicest guy in the world!"

Sebastian laughed. "For buying you food?"

"For giving a shit. You don't know me; I did something unforgivably creepy and invasive yesterday, and I feel like most people would be running full-tilt the other way, but here you are, actually sitting down and talking to me."

"If I can't handle being stopped on the street now and then, I'm in the wrong line of work."

Okay, she had to give him that one; but still... "If you love what you do, you're never in the wrong line of work. I don't believe for a second that you 'signed up' to have your time off disrupted by strangers, or to be constantly surrounded by people all demanding things from you."

With a grin, he teased, "Maybe that's why I want to give you a chance. You didn't demand; you asked, very nicely, and apologized for turning up out of the blue. And you're forgiven, by the way, so can we put that to rest?"

Ali blushed again, staring down at the table. "...Yeah. Of course. Um... Thank you."

"Ali, I like that you're honest; that you know when you've fucked up, you own up to it, and you apologize. That's... that's a good quality. And as for this fuck up..." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him lift the somewhat mangled script and risked a glance up at him. He was grinning. "You've got my attention. The question is, what are you going to do with it?"

Down to business, then. Bracing herself against her own anxiety, she sat back and looked him right in the eye. "That depends largely on you. It's basically a student film written to be a full-length movie. Amelia's still in school; I don't know if she's even been taught how to secure funding yet, and networking isn't her strongest skill. That's why she sent the script to me to try to get things in motion. Believe it or not, my anxious, neurotic ass is the one better with people, at least in a professional capacity."

Sebastian stared at her, wide-eyed. "...Wow. You're...eloquent. Where the hell did this come from?"

Snorting, she flashed him a quick smile. "You got me through the 'oh god I'm such a pest' meltdown. Now it's work time. I've got a fair bit of attachment to this project; her screenplay was based on a comment I made and a few lines of dialogue I sent her-"

"So this was your idea?"

"Both of ours." Ali had no interest in being a screenwriter, so while her ego wanted credit for her contribution, she downplayed it, instead. "Anyway, I'm invested, and not just because I want to support my sister. The thing is, I may be better with people, but I'm nobody; I know nothing about this industry." With a wry smirk, she added, "Except just enough to know that I'm doing this whole thing ass-backwards, but whatever. Now, what did you think of it? Plot, characters, whatever comes to mind."

"The first thing that caught my eye was this little list in the beginning." He flipped the cover open, pointing to where the 'dream cast' the girls had discussed was listed and grinned while Ali blushed all over again. "I've never worked with Avan Jogia, but I wouldn't mind making out with him. His lips look really soft."

She wanted to crack up at that, but settled for a muffled snort, instead. "They do, don't they?"

"So, have you spoken-" He stopped when she shook her head, and he gave her a patient smile. "This is it for progress so far, isn't it? Just having the script at all, and talking to me."

"Which is more than I honestly expected," she admitted with a nod. "I mean, I have faith that if it can somehow get made, it'll be amazing, but right now that's all we've got, is faith."

The grin was back, even as Sebastian dropped his gaze back to the screenplay in his hands. "Faith and a very funny script so full of fandom nods it would never work without exactly who you want in each role."

"...You noticed that, huh?"

It was his turn to snort with amusement. "Kinda hard not to. You dressed Ben as army-Bucky. If we do this wrong, Marvel might sue."

"We?"

The 'duh' look he gave her made her laugh. "What? You thought I dragged you all the way down here to tell you I'm not interested? The Halloween party alone had me laughing until I cried." With another glance at the page, he added, "It helps that I know most of these guys. If you can get me a digital copy of this, I can send it along and see how many of them I can prod into helping. Hopefully my manager can reach out to Avan and Elliot. I can probably get hold of Mark on instagram..."

"That would be amazing." She couldn't believe how well this was going. The more they talked, the more clear it became that Sebastian was really into it, and his excitement made her giddy. They talked for hours; Ali was so distracted by the deep dive they took into the characters and the story that not only did she forget to be self-conscious about eating, but she even forgot to spazz internally about the fact that she was talking to her hero and biggest celebrity crush.

The restaurant had a bar attached, so it was open pretty late. By the time they realized how long they'd been sitting there, it was midnight.

"You are not driving four hours alone, not right now," he insisted as he walked her to her car. "Let me at least get you a room in the city."

Ali smiled, touched by his concern. "I'm fine, I promise. If I get too tired, I can always pull over and take a nap in my car."

"It is insane to me that you're so casual about driving, like, what? Three, four states over? Just to sit here with me for a couple of hours."

"Do you not know who you are?" she half-joked, laughing. "And for the record, I don't give a flying fuck that you're famous. I care that you're kind; you're warm and open and patient in a world that works so hard to crush all of those qualities. You're a hero to me, not because of the spotlight, but because of who you continue to be in spite of it." He looked like he was getting a little misty-eyed and flustered, so to lighten the mood, she added, "When Sebastian fucking Stan invites you to dinner, distance be damned! You go to dinner!"

He still turned adorably red, but he laughed, so she considered that mission accomplished. "At least call me when you get in so I know you're safe?"

"It'll be like four in the morning," she pointed out gently, "and that's if I don't stop for a nap."

"I'll be up, trust me." At her dubious look, he crossed his arms and playfully stared her down. "In about two seconds I'm just gonna take you home with me so I know you won't die on the road."

"I wouldn't say 'no' to that!" The second the words were out of her mouth, she cringed so hard she had to squeeze her eyes shut. Sebastian was laughing again, so that was a small comfort.

"Oh, is that what you've been angling for this whole time?"

She could tell from his tone that he was just kidding, but she was still quick to tell him 'no.' Then her mouth and her weird sense of humor got away from her again. "I mean, you're gorgeous and I want your babies, but that's beside the point."

"Oh god!" He was cracking up now, and she couldn't even tell if he was genuinely amused, or just really uncomfortable.

"Jesus, I really have to get away from you, right now!" Shaking her head, she started digging through her bag for her keys. "We're done with work, which means Fangirl Mode has reactivated, and that's good for no one!"

"No, I think you need to stick around." He smiled softly when she glanced up at him, eyes seeming to see right through her. "You're really always honest, even if the truth humiliates you beyond bearing. That's incredible. Are you just incapable of lying? Did a little kid make a birthday wish about you or something?"

Oh gods, she'd almost forgotten he was a huge Jim Carrey fan. "If they did, it was for a lot longer than a day!" His intense, if oddly tender, scrutiny was starting to make her feel things best left buried and she hastily looked away. "Could you please stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

Tears stinging her eyes, she glanced into his and then quickly away again. "Like I've got a chance. I know that's not-"

He cut her off with a soft kiss, shocking her into silence, and then gave her the saddest little smile she'd ever seen. "Why wouldn't you?"

"Don't do this to me." She shook her head, feeling as though she was shrinking in on herself. "I can't be the thing that fucks this whole thing up for my sister when it all goes to shit between us. I can't!"

"That's a rather bleak outlook on the entire situation. I don't know whether to be more offended by your lack of faith in my ability to be professional, or the fact that we're not even together and you're already seeing a breakup."

"I'm a lot to handle," she pointed out with a pathetic attempt at a smirk. "An unmedicated mess. Nobody likes me for long."

Sebastian scowled, reaching up to wipe her tears off her cheeks. "Least of all you, it sounds like."

"Sebastian, you don't understand." Though all she wanted was to fall into his arms and never move again, she broke away and backed up a few steps. "I have been shit to her, and this movie means too much to me and her career means too much to her, and I can't keep ruining everything for us both!"

"You don't do anything." He grabbed her by her upper arms to hold her in place and keep her from moving any farther away from him. "You told me yesterday that you never do anything. Ali... Ali!" When she wouldn't look at him, he shook her; lightly, but enough to startle her into looking him in the eye. "Do something."

She shook her head, closing her eyes as if that would help; as if his beautiful face wasn't already burned forever in her mind. "I can't. I can't. I know too much about you, it's creepy!"

"Okay, let's make it fair, then." She could actually hear his grin. "Tell me the creepiest thing you know about me, and then match it with something about you."

Ali couldn't help laughing at that. "Actually, the creepiest fact for me to know actually came to me in the least creepy way." Involuntarily, she glanced at his crotch, and then quickly back up just in time to see him blush.

"You've seen Monday."

"And everyone who has knows you're not circumcised," she pointed out with a mostly awkward laugh. "Which honestly didn't surprise me, seeing as how you're from Europe and aren't Jewish, so why would you be? ...I don't really know how to 'match' that one."

"If we weren't standing out in a parking lot I could be a total asshole and say you can strip down and let me see you naked." He laughed when she turned bright red and swatted his chest. "But that seems like a bit much. Um... well, that's sort of a body modification, right? So do you have any risque piercings or tattoos?"

She shook her head, giggling. "No. No tattoos at all yet, and the only piercings so far are my ears. There's a bunch that I want, but I haven't gotten around to it."

"You know what? Gimme your phone." He grinned when she handed it right over, clearly not realizing that it was confusion that prompted the move, more than trust. A few seconds later, her GPS was talking as he handed it back. "I'll meet you there."

"Please tell me you're not-" She glanced down and cringed. "You are. You're making me drive in New York City."

"You could always just ride with me and I can bring you back in the morning for your car."

"Oh hell no! I'll meet you there! ...Wherever 'there' is."

'There' turned out to be a rather classy-looking brick apartment building in Manhattan. Unable to process what that likely meant - there was no way! - Ali squashed the thought down and ignored it, simply focusing on finding a place to park. That alone was a Herculean task.

"I can't believe you made me drive a RAV4 through New York!" she playfully snapped as she got out and approached his little sports car.

Sebastian laughed. "I can't believe you drive a RAV4! You're so tiny!"

"I'm only four inches shorter than you, Tank."

"I'm not a tank..." He glanced down at himself, looking adorably confused. "Am I a tank? I kind of was for Civil War, but that was years ago."

"Mmm..." Feeling bold, she draped her arms over his shoulders, smiling when his hands moved automatically to her waist. "You're lean, but you still look like you could bench me with one hand. I don't like the big, veiny Dwayne Johnson types, anyway. Don't get so bogged down in what Hollywood wants you to be; you're perfect, Sebastian."

"Wow." He grinned, pulling her closer. "You're good for my ego!" With a playful nip to her neck, he started backing her toward the door. "Yep. Definitely sleeping with you. Come on."

Ali laughed as he finally released her waist and took her hand instead, and she followed him inside. "Do I get a say in this, Casanova?"

"I said I was gonna sleep with you," he mock-growled, face buried against her neck again, "not rape you. Get in here."

She giggled when, apparently deciding she was moving too slowly, he yanked her inside and into his arms, kicking the door shut behind her. "Sebastian... Sebastian!" All she wanted was to let him keep being silly and flirty, but she couldn't shake the feeling that they were about to make a mistake. "You are incredibly charming. You are. And my god I want you so bad it hurts!"

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem..." She framed his face with her hands, letting him kiss her before pushing him back. "The problem is that I'm your fan, and I hunted you down like a crazy person-"

"And I forgave you for that."

"That's sweet, and I appreciate that. And that's not the point. The point is, I did that to work with you."

"No," he pointed out with a smirk, "you did that to get me to work with your sister. I made you stay stuck in the middle because you're really pretty and I'm really lonely and you kinda seem somehow even lonelier than me."

"You're not wrong..."

"Ali, listen. Relax." Mirroring her pose in a weird way, he framed her face with his hands and smiled when she turned her head to kiss his palm without thinking. "Whatever happens, it's not gonna happen tonight. It never was; I was just being goofy. It's late and I'm old; I'm tired."

"You're not old-"

He kissed her quiet. "I'm too old to be fucking a twenty-year-old at one in the morning. I brought you here because we were spending an awkwardly long time in that parking lot, and-what?" He grinned, watching her lose her shit, and she pressed her face against his chest. "Why are you laughing?"

"I love you!" She hugged him, still giggling helplessly. "You really think I'm only twenty?"

"Around there, yeah. Why?"

"Dude, I'm thirty-four!"

"No way." He gaped at her and then grinned, shaking his head. "No way!"

Still giggling helplessly, she nodded. "We're only five years apart, man."

"Got a painting in your attic I should know about?"

"No!" Oh god she couldn't breathe! "Just good genes. And I don't drink or smoke."

"Wow. Wow!" Sebastian laughed, pulling her down with him as he sat on the couch. "I feel so called out right now!"

"Not my intent, Smoogie-OHMYGOD!" She'd been about to cuddle him but the second she realized what she'd said, she launched herself off his lap, red-faced and laughing hysterically.

"What? What was that?" Laughing almost as hard as she was, Sebastian yanked her back down onto the couch. "What did you just call me?" Pinning her in place, he tickled her mercilessly as she screeched and howled with laughter.

"I'm sorry! It slipped!"

"What the hell is a Smoogie?!"

"Nothing!" He finally let up, and she gasped and wheezed, gulping in lungfuls of air like he'd been strangling her. "It... It literally has no meaning," she rasped. "It's just a random made-up word I used once out of nowhere and I guess it kinda stuck in my brain."

Sebastian snorted and helped her sit up. "Like 'winter's children.' Alright, the brain is a weird, weird place. I get that." With a grin, he nudged her and added, "Smoogie."

"Nooo!" Giggling, Ali pushed him back. "You're Smoogie! Come up with your own dumbass nickname." Eyes wide as she thought back to some of the weird shit that she'd heard come out of his mouth in the past, she hastily amended, "Better yet, don't."

"Oh, no." He hugged her tight. "No, no, no. Challenge fucking accepted! I'm gonna give you the single most embarrassing nickname you've ever heard of!"

She groaned, but it quickly turned into laughter. "At least fuck me first, so when I die of embarrassment, I can die somewhat happy!"

"Oh, so now you want it?"

They grinned at each other right before Ali hid her face against his chest. "I always did, I just don't think it'd be smart."

"Tell you what..." He pushed her back a bit, just enough to duck his head and kiss her. "Let's get some sleep, and see how things stand in the morning. That'll also give you time to think about this:" Those warm, soft hands were back on her jaw and she found herself lost in his gorgeous blue eyes. "My interest in that script has nothing to do with my interest in you. Your sister wrote a funny movie, and had it come to me through my manager, I'd still want in. You are beautiful and vibrant and honest, and my god, I'm into you! Completely separate things, and neither has any influence over the other."

"Promise?" Tears blurred her vision, but not enough to hide his soft smile from her. "I mean-"

He kissed her quiet and stood, pulling her with him. "Come to bed. We can talk about it in the morning. I just... I know I shouldn't be this overprotective of a total stranger, but I couldn't deal with the thought of you possibly crashing and dying on the way home tonight. I don't like people driving tired."

"You're so sweet it hurts." She grinned, but it quickly faded as it registered that he was pulling her into his bedroom, and she planted her feet. "I can just crash on the couch."

"What? Don't trust me to be a gentleman?"

It was obvious that he was just teasing her, but she still was quick to assure him, "No, I trust you. I just..." She sighed. "Oh, to hell with it. It's not like there's anywhere to go but up after literal stalking. I don't want to be a one-night-stand or fuck buddies or whatever. I don't want 'something casual'. Maybe some women are fine with just, like, the bragging rights of fucking a celebrity or something, but that's not me. I don't give a rat's ass that you're famous; I really don't."

"Yeah, you said that earlier. So what do you want?" He gave her a wry, tired smile. "And why can't it wait until after sleep?"

"I'm sorry!" Despite her rather bleak mood, Ali giggled a little before hastily getting to the point: "I want to be your girlfriend, but for many reasons, I'm not optimistic about the chances of that happening. And falling asleep in your arms, or even in your bed at all, is just..."

"Ah." With a nod, Sebastian released her hand and stepped back. "I'll get you a blanket."

She couldn't help it; when he came back and tossed a blanket on the end of the couch, she grinned and said, "Anthony's gonna be so jealous."

"Anthony Mackie has never been in my house!" They both laughed, and then Sebastian gave her a sweet kiss on the forehead before disappearing into his bedroom with a soft, "Goodnight, Ali."

"Night, Seb."

The couch was surprisingly comfortable, but Ali still couldn't sleep. On top of the discomfort of being in someone else's home for the first time, she was too busy spiraling over what a fucking idiot she was. If she didn't stop getting in her own way, she was going to end up pushing Sebastian away completely; something told her she didn't have long before he'd get sick of her constantly grasping for excuses to keep some professional distance between them. Would her desperate desire to not ruin things by sleeping with him end up ruining things by annoying the hell out of him?

Eventually she passed out from sheer exhaustion near dawn, and woke sometime later to the soft murmur of a familiar voice. At first she thought she'd left a video going on her laptop or something, but then as she sucked in a deep breath and stretched, the previous night floated back to her along with a lungful of Sebastian's scent and the weird realization that she actually knew what he smelled like now.

As awareness reluctantly returned to her, she realized Sebastian was on the phone in the other room and, blessing the natural softness of his voice, did her best to tune him out. Not her business. Instead she sat up and started playing with her phone, checking messages and jumping into another youtube rabbit hole.

"You know, I'm right here." Startled by the very amused voice right behind her, she whirled around and answered his grin with one of her own. "You don't have to look me up on the internet."

"You were on the phone," she pointed out, even as she dropped hers into her purse, "and you're funny as hell on press tours."

"I was on the phone with your sister." He sank down onto the couch beside her, and without thinking she snuggled up against his side, smiling when his arm dropped over her shoulders. "It took me thirty minutes to convince her I'm really me and it wasn't a prank. Not a very trusting woman, that one."

Ali laughed. "Did she spend the next thirty minutes after that hyperventilating?"

"No, she held it together pretty well after that. Very giggly, but we managed to say what needed to be said." She felt him shift and glanced up to see him staring down at her. "You didn't tell me she was in Florida."

"...Oops." She flashed him a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

"It's fine; doesn't really change things, it was just a surprise. Now..." He shifted, and she took her cue to scoot back a bit so they could look at each other more easily. "Shall we be grownups and talk about last night?"

About half a dozen childish jokes were on the tip of her tongue, but she pushed them all down with a deep sigh and nodded. "I suppose we should."

"Tell me why you think you have no chance." He crossed his arms, staring her down and making her feel about two inches tall. "I don't want to get fifteen minutes into a conversation and feel like you're just grasping at straws to drive me insane. Get it all out."

"Jeez, no pressure or anything," she grumbled, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I don't have a neat, itemized list of everything that's wrong with me. That's not how my brain works. If I miss or forget something and think of it later, and you're just gonna make me feel like a bug for opening my mouth, why don't I just leave now and save us both the headache?"

"I can't tell if you're being frustrating on purpose for some reason, or if you're just the single most insecure person to ever walk the planet."

Oh, so many snarky comebacks were bouncing around in her head, but once again she squashed the impulse to be childish and just shook her head. "I'm sorry. Neither, really, I just... I have this really annoying habit of pushing people away so I'm never vulnerable and I can never get hurt."

"How's that working out for you?"

Ass. She looked away, crossing her arms over her knees and resting her head on them. "We've all got damage. Sue me."

"You're never going to find someone who'll put in the work to fix you. You gotta do that yourself. If you keep pushing people away hoping one will try to take a jackhammer to all these walls you put up, you'll just be constantly disappointed."

"What are you, my shrink now?" She jerked her head up to glare at him, but the intense look on his face stopped her cold.

With a look that reminded her quite a bit of the Winter Soldier, Sebastian demanded quietly, "What do you want, Ali?"

"...I don't know." She looked away again, hiding behind the curtain of her long copper-red hair. "You don't even know how terrifying that is. I always knew! I knew who I was, who and what I wanted to be... Now, I just... I have no idea."

"You should try acting." His tone was only half joking but she still snorted. "What? You get to try on different lives, and maybe you'll find one that suits you. Who knows?" He nudged her, making her smile a little. "Maybe you'll find that you love the work, and it's your new calling. Whaddaya got to lose?"

"People don't start acting in their thirties."

"Well, that's utter bullshit." She glanced up just in time to see his cheeky grin. "And you don't look anywhere near thirty, so I say cash in on that while you can. But! I wasn't actually asking the deep life question when I asked what you want."

"I know," she admitted with a sheepish shrug. "I got sidetracked by existential dread. Sorry."

"Happens to the best of us."

Ali grinned, shaking her head, but her amusement didn't last long. With a sigh, she told him, "The sad fact is, I don't know. I don't know if I want a relationship, or if I just don't want to feel like a whore. The juvenile fangirl in me wants to make you happy; to be in your life no matter what form that connection takes. And I'm lonely and antsy, and definitely attracted to you..."

"This all sounds like a good start," he said with a soft laugh. "And it doesn't sound juvenile to me; it's sweet."

"There is one thing I do know that I want." Hoo boy, this was not going to end well. Damn her psychotic obsession with honesty! "One thought-one desire, I guess - that haunts me." She was afraid to look at him, but she needed to see his reaction. Steeling herself against her own anxiety, she looked him right in the eye and confessed, "More than anything in the world right now, I want to be a mother. It's freaking me out, because I never wanted kids until very recently, but for the last couple of years it's been practically consuming me."

He was analyzing her again; if it was anyone else, it would have pissed her off royally, but all she could think of was 'bionic staring machine' and she had to fight not to laugh. "I wonder why that is."

"Oh, I know exactly why." She finally gave in and snickered a little. "But if I tell you, you're gonna think I'm insane."

"I already know you're insane," he teased, "so just tell me anyway."

"I'm a witch," she told him point-blank. "I sometimes get little glimpses of possible futures. I've seen my future daughters, and they've become so real to me, so vibrant and full of life, that I'm desperate to meet them for real."

Sebastian smiled faintly. "What if you end up having a boy?"

"I've seen that possibility, too," she conceded with a laugh. "He's adorable. These kids... Sebastian, I've seen their faces. I know their names. And every day that goes by that they don't exist is more painful for me than the last. And that's... That's a huge part of why I didn't - still don't - think it would be a good idea to sleep with you. Why I'd feel like a trashy whore if I did."

He slowly nodded, understanding visibly dawning in his eyes. "Because you want too badly to get pregnant. More than you want to be with me; with anyone."

"Yeah. And I have yet to think of a way to go about that without being just... so creepy, or straight-up evil."

"...This." At her look of surprise and confusion, he made a little nod/shrug gesture she couldn't quite describe. "This is the way to not be creepy or evil - being honest, up front. Talking it out. You may not necessarily get what you want, but if you do, this is absolutely the way to do it respectfully."

She smiled and nodded. "Good point."

He ruffled her hair, making her smile again. "You've got a lot going on in that head of yours. Must be exhausting."

"It can be."

"You're an absolute mess, no doubt about that." He nudged her with that boyish, playful grin she loved so much. "But I still like you. Start as friends, see how it goes?"

Heart swelling, she nodded. "I'd love that."

There was a moment of weirdly charged silence, and then Ali blurted, "I do have one question I've been dying to ask you for months, though."

"Oh god." He laughed. "Should I be scared?"

"Maybe," she conceded with a giggle. "I won't be offended or even surprised if you refuse to answer, let me just lead with that. It's personal, I'm just curious."

"Okay, so it's not a request, per se."

She laughed again, shaking her head. "No, not a request. I was just wondering, after seeing Monday-"

"Oh no!" Cracking up, Sebastian backed away. "Any 'personal' question that starts with a reference to Monday can't be good!"

"And the set shots for Pam and Tommy!" She had a feeling she was going to have trouble breathing around this man a lot. He always had her cracking up. "You had so little body hair, but I know it grows! I've seen you with hair on your chest - which was unbelievably sexy, by the way - so, like... is that just a thing you do in recent years? Do you always get that in-depth with your grooming, or is it just when you know you'll be showing a lot of skin in public?"

"Obviously it's just when I know someone's gonna see!" He laughed, shaking his head. "I mean, do you shave your legs when you're not gonna show them off?"

"Yes." Grinning at his look of surprise, she shrugged. "My skin is so stupidly sensitive that body hair makes me unbearably itchy, all the time. I eradicate that shit constantly."

"Oh, okay." He nodded a little. "So for you, it's not an aesthetic choice, it's for a good reason and really is just for yourself. That makes sense." It was his turn to shrug and grin. "I'm just shallow. If I'm gonna be naked on screen, I wanna look good."

"You're gorgeous, you're allowed to be shallow."

"Is that how that works?" They both laughed, and much to Ali's immediate, overwhelming joy, Sebastian tugged her against his side and squeezed in a sort of half-hug. "That seems like an unfair standard. And I'm not sure I still fit that bill at my age."

"Oh, stop!" She swatted his chest, even as she rested her head on his shoulder and cuddled closer.

"By the way..." He kissed her temple, lips still pressed against her flesh as he murmured, "I know you wrote that script."

Flinching, she tried to move away from him; she only wanted to be able to look at him, but he seemed to misinterpret and held her tight against his side.

"Your sister confirmed it, but I figured it out last night. You know way too much about this story and the characters to just be a messenger." She felt him smile as he kissed her head again, and couldn't help smiling with him. "You're brilliant. I hope little sis is half as good a director as you are a writer."

"...Thank you." What the hell else could she say to that? All she could really think about, folded in his arms and feeling so warm and safe, was that he was already an amazing friend. She'd known for a while that he approached friendship in a way more typical to women, with the cuddling and constant complimenting; the sort of wholesome, deep love-without-romance that was exactly how she was as a friend. It was amazing to be on the receiving end of that, and while her hormones would probably always scream to jump his bones, she hoped things stayed exactly as they were between them.

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1103

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday

What day of the week was it yesterday? It wassss Thursday.

What “number day” was it? February 4th.

What time did you wake up yesterday? I automatically wake up at about 6:30 AM every weekday since I have to start work by 8 sharp. I use the free hour and a half to either get some more sleep, or go ahead and try to properly wake up.

What was the weather like? It’s been chilly these days, so I’m trying to savor it as much as I can before it leaves for good in a few weeks.

What did you eat for breakfast? I had coffee so I can psyche myself up for my one-on-one talk with the CEO of the company I work at - she apparently does that with all the new hires to get to know them which I appreciate, but it also made me nervous as fuck. Other than chugging that coffee down, my mom also made me corned beef with rice.

What did you wear? I wore an olive green top I typically wear outside so that I could look nice for the aforementioned video call.

What did you eat for lunch? I’m not usually able to take a lot of bites when I’m working, so the corned beef meal actually stayed wiith me the whole day.

What did you eat for dinner? We had sisig, mainly. My dad also got a free sample of kare-kare when he was out today for some reason lol, so I had that with my rice.

Did you have any snacks or treats? I don’t think so, no.

Who did you talk to in person yesterday? Just my immediate family as I didn’t get to go outdoors.

Who did you text or call yesterday? I had two work-related video calls yesterday. One of them was with Leah, the CEO; the other one was with a client along with my teammates Ysa and Bea.

Did you work yesterday? If so, what time was your work shift? Yeah, as I do every weekday. My shift is from 9 AM to 6 PM, but I start working at 8 AM. I so wish I got paid for that extra hour, lmao.

Did you have to go to school? I have not had to go to UP in a long time, no. I don’t even call it my school anymore.

Did you have to run any errands? If so, then where? All my errands were work-related, so.

Name something you watched yesterday. Good Mythical Morning posts a new video every weeknight here, so I watched it as soon as it came out. I watched some wrestling stuff as well.

Name something you read yesterday. I don’t think I was able to read anything.

Name a song that you remember listening to yesterday. Hm, I do remember feeling a little down very briefly last night and I got in the mood to listen to 26, by Paramore (because of course).

Did you do anything different/atypical yesterday? Did something out of the ordinary happen? Well the talk with Leah happened, so there’s that. I was really nervous for it, but I’m glad it went well. She seems to have liked me so I hope I stay on her good side.

Did you hang out with anyone yesterday? If so, then who - and what did you do? Just with my family. We did the usual stuff, like having dinner together < Same. I usually hang out in the living room with my family after dinner as well, but in the last few days I’ve taken to spending some time alone on the rooftop because the weather has been nice again. I might keep it up until March, or whenever the weather gets sucky and all humid all over again.

What is something fun that you did yesterday? I ordered from a high school batchmate’s small business. I’ve loved her pastries for years, and when she reopened her shop for 2021 the other day, I saw that she had added croissants to her menu. They looked fucking good, so I didn’t hesitate to order from her and now I can’t wait to get them next week, hahah.

What time did you go to bed? For some reason I was really tired yesterday; I think I was asleep by 9 or 9:30.

Today

What day of the week is it today? Friday THE BEST DAY

What “number day” is it? February 5th.

What time did you wake up? I woke up earlier today because I slept early last night – around 6 AM. I was actually woken up by an earthquake, so that’s my new thing for today lol.

What is the weather like? It’s only 8:30 in the morning so I can’t say for sure, but right now at least I can say it hasn’t been warm or uncomfortable.

What did you eat for breakfast? I haven’t had it yet. But I did smell my dad cooking bacon before he left for work today and that smelled nice. I might pick up a strip or two to munch on.

What did you wear today? I’m still wearing the same stuff. I take showers in the evenings on Fridays so that I feel great in welcoming the weekend, haha.

What did you eat for lunch? I will most likely skip it.

What did you eat for dinner? No clue but I’m looking forward to what my dad has planned.

Did you have any snacks or treats? Nope, but we still have some leftover tteokbokki in the fridge. I might heat it up later in the day if I get in the mood for it.

Who did you talk to in person? So far only my parents, but I know I’ll be talking to Nina as well once she gets up for the day.

Who did you text or call? No one yet. We’ll see if I have to text anyone for work today, but so far there’s been no need to.

Did you work today? If so, what time was your work shift? I will be. My shift will officially start in half an hour, but I’ve gotten up early to start other tasks.

Did you have to go to school? No. If I’m not mistaken, I think UP was also recently closed to the public until the 15th because of recent Covid cases, so that sucks. I was looking forward to visit.

Did you have to run any errands? If so, then where? I’m out of 3-in-1 coffee packs so if my parents don’t buy a bundle today, I might have to go to the nearby convenience store to pick one up myself.

Name something you watched today. I have a Good Mythical More video playing at present to accompany me as background noise. I’m not necessarily watching it, though.

Name something you read today. I needed to read several articles for work a few minutes ago.

Name a song that you remember listening to today. I haven’t turned on my Spotify yet but I’m looking forward to Hayley’s single coming out at noon. AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Did you do anything different/atypical today? Did something out of the ordinary happen? I got up very early for work, lol. I usually wait until 8 AM sharp for me to pull myself out of bed, but I was up and at my workspace by 7:20ish. I feel like this set-up is better for me, so I might try waking up earlier again in the next few days.

Did you hang out with anyone today? If so, then who - and what did you do? No. I do want to go to a coffee shop tonight, though.

What is something fun that you did today? Haven’t done much today considering the time... but idk. I might give Grey’s Anatomy a start tonight? Or maybe revisit The Crown?? Maybe go for a long walk around the neighborhood tonight with Kimi? We’ll see. I’m in the mood to be spontaneous this Friday.

What time will you go to bed? I’d like to sleep by midnight or even beyond it because it’s the weekend, and I wouldn’t want to waste my free time.

Tomorrow

What day of the week will it be tomorrow? It will be Saturday.

What “number day” will it be? Feb 6th.

What time do you have to get up? No time - the best kind of morning. I want to get up early though so I can maximize my day.

What is the weather supposed to be like? The high is supposed to be 31ºC, while the low will be 24ºC.

What do you plan on eating for breakfast? It depends on what either of my parents will cook, but I am guessing some type of omelette and either hotdogs or corned beef. And rice, of course.

What do you plan on wearing? I haven’t planned it out yet. Definitely something comfy though, especially if I decide to only stay in.

What will you eat for lunch? Will be skipping it.

What will you eat for dinner? If my mom cooks it will probably be some type of pasta. My dad mixes his dishes up every time, so if he decides to be the one to make dinner I’m not sure what he has planned.

Will you have any snacks or treats? I’d love to be able to. My parents will sometimes whip something up in the afternoons, like pancakes or wicked Oreos. Should I decide to land in a coffee shop tomorrow or on Sunday, I will most likely pick up a savory pastry.

Who will talk to in person tomorrow? My immediate family for sure. < Same. I haven’t made plans to see friends recently.

Who will you text or call tomorrow? Out of all my friends, I’ll probably message Angela. Otherwise I have the day to myself tomorrow.

Did you have to work tomorrow? If so, what time is your work shift? Not during the weekend, thank fuck. There are some clients who are relentless and will continue to message over the weekend, but I ignore them.

Do you have to go to school? Nope. Couldn’t go to my university even if I wanted to.

Do you have to run any errands? If so, then where do you need to go? Not that I know of yet. < Same.

Name something you plan to watch tomorrow. I think it’s time for a new series, haha. Like I mentioned, probably Grey’s.

Name something you plan to read tomorrow. I’ve got nothing lined up. Maybe my usual Wikipedia binge as always.

Name an music artist that you plan on listening to tomorrow. Probably streaming the shit out of descansos.

Will you do anything different/atypical tomorrow? Is something non-routine supposed to happen? I actually haven’t picked up my embroidery kit since January. I wanna get back on it.

Will you hang out with anyone tomorrow? If so, then who - and what will you do? Just me and my dogs.

What is something fun that you hope to do tomorrow? I want to resume my embroidery templates and I already know how fun I’ll find that :)

What time might you go to bed? Again, just any time that’s extremely late because it’s the weekend.

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

#survey #surveys

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cheerisuu · 5 years ago

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Im Back.

Boy, how time flies fast when you’re busy keeping things feel right. I mean, they’re supposed to be. I’m going to make this update as quick as i can and as precise as i can, bet i cant do both tho lmao.

It has been approximately 3 weeks since Rock Bottom (i guess it’s what you call it? Well, close.) and things has been quite, nice.

The month of July has really been a journey of what felt like forever. Today is the 12th of the month and i have come to the point where i realised that the mind is the only thing that keeps us from doing or achieveing something that we want. And this applies to a couple of situations:

I learned how to do a buck tuck.

This is one of the few things i achieved as i underwent through a “therapaeutic healing” after the incident. I surrounded myself with the few people that im friends with in our Pep Squad and fortunately my friend Dapitanon, P. also had a common friend which made our days more progressive. Just the act of cheering for each other to do one’s best really lifts everyone’s morale.

“It’s really all in the mind.”

We ARE physically capable of doing things but our mind seems to think that there’s an invisible obstacle that prevents us from pursuing what we want to achieve. I realise this as we were practicing for a back tuck, which i proudly achieved (with a spotter pa hehe). But that achievement was already some proof that if i can have control over my body, i can do all things if i just believe just enough to do it right. Heck, I think I’ll attach my tuck video somewhere on here.

1st of July.

We went to a dog cafe.

Idk what’s with me but i really like to do something special at least once a month with him and WITHOUT telling him. After all, I can’t just let myself be carried away with the emotions that lead me almost to the verge of thinking it was over, right? So despite our awkwardness and difference of treatment (slight), I still picked him up (with miraculously good timing too) with our Navara and was able to use it for the whole day before returning it back to my Granddad’s. Did i mention he got car sick? It was the cutest. (Am i weird for saying that? Doesn’t matter tho lmao) i thought of going to the dog cafe cause i was thinking, “Hey dogs can like help with your mental and emotional health right? So why the frick not.” Im surely going to post a little GIF here somewhere on how cute the doggos were. And when i tell you, dogs CAN bring the purest out of anyone. We literally were like talking to babies man and boy the dogs were HUUGE, only the pugs were like “hey hooman u can luv me unlyk diz oder bitchez” haha. But if ever things do go well for us in the future, we are DEFINITELY going to get a golden retriever man. It’s my dream!

Anyways, we also got to watch our first movie as “barkada pero gusto ang isat isa” or BPGAII, it was Toy Story 4. And bitch, dont get me started on how we were wondering if it was a child’s movie or not coz boi, we did NOT like the jump scares at ALL. But still, me being an emotional, soft potato, it still made me cry in the end. The meaning behind was great it was all about taking the risk, which was kind fitting? For him at least hekhek. Basically Woody chose to be with his hoe, Bo, for Buzz, his bro. But this aint no movie review so, *boop.

I gave him my skin care?

Ok tbh this was so random right. He realised my skin was glowing better (coz bitch, we aint lettin no sadness ruin this skin ya feel?) so he asked what was i using cos he was contemplating on his gorgeous face that he was getting ugly now. (The audacity, am i right?? Lol) so i CLEARLY (no pun intended) put into the effort of giving him some travel bottles and put in some samples of what moisturiser and micellar water i was using right, and i guess it worked out well? I also got to drive it TO him still. But the good side of this was i was able to be with my Granddad and spend some time together as his driver hihi.

LADY DRIVER.

So I’m getting good at this driving thing right, as driving from Malaybalay to Cagayan, Davao to Tagum and vice versa, Tagum to Maco and back. So i might as well be good at city driving and yall cant tell me otherwise lol,

(SIDENOTE:except for the fact i got stopped by the Yellow Ranger in Ecoland coz i was at the left lane at a traffic light and my mom told me to go straight WHICH WAS WRONG I GUESS THATS A THING RIGHT, so i was almost charged 1500 pesoses. But thank Heezuz i was with my mom and she was able to talk through the officer but sadly we had to name drop my Granddad since he was a known regional director at LTO before. Sorry Pops, i swear it’ll be the first and last time.)

Back to real time, i helped him with his errands and was really lucky with the timing coz my Dad went off for a trip and my mom was left with his car. So yup, got the chance to borrow it for half of the day and drove all the way to Maa to get a keyboard his friend is letting him use for the mean time, her name is Jen and she’s the sweetest. (No backstory will be dropped for privacy). Aight, so we drove back to their house at Magallanes but didn’t have enough time to say hi to his folks coz it was noon and they were on siyestas, right. I still regret why i didnt like fake-pee or something tho. HahahahahahahDONTJUDGE. We ate for some late lunch at SML and felt korek coz before we joke about “asa ta nag park?” And now we get to be in the situation haha. It’s funny coz just when i thought things were detoriating between us, the world just chooses to keep things tight and close and say something like “oh, u guys are having an emotional conflict and struggle about ur relationship? Here are things that only REAL couples do and i hope u enjoy em!!” Dumbass. Jokes aside, I drove him home and goodbyes are still awkward, but i was starting to understand the type of ‘low-key’ he means.

Usapang Gym.

Oh wow it’s already the fifth point. If you manage to read this far, congrats! You get nothing but to keep on reading this rollercoaster wreck lmao. I wasn’t expecting he would pay the whole month at our gym and expects me to come with him. And it came to me: i kept on thinking that i should ask for assurance but in reality, he really does mean what he said about just being “me”. Things were different but things also got better. It’s like losing some and gaining some right? Like a body excrcising, losing weight, gaining muscle, idk its a weak analogy but its close enough for yall to understand. It’s our first week today, (it’s Friday) i hope i could keep up tho haha. I guess I’ll keep progress updated? Idkidkidk. Also, i got to mention thats he is VAIN af. Idk if its a good thing or just a tragedy waiting to happen haha. I also became his coach, (oha san kapa haha), he told me he wanted help with increasing his verticle as he would help me with abdominals. So i bought sets of ankle weights only to find out the first one didnt suit him so i had to buy another set. AND IT WAS HALF THE PRICE I BOUGHT THE FIRST SET AND IT WAS BETTER. Prices will be disclosed. (250) So i like, i do my own workout right and he suddenly shows his hot-headed side of things coz he was upset he had to go home early coz there was this no-towel-no-workout policy at my gym so we had to cut our day short.

In times like these, my mind just goes to places to different situations. All the what-ifs start filling up my mind on how he could react to other situations that would cause a similar effect on what his character was showing right. But in the end, i still give kudos to myself coz im able to keep up and cope with how quick his personality changes sometimes. And sometimes, im the one with a crack on the head lmao. Well, most of the time.

TAKE AWAYS.

Fast forward to this very moment, its 11:30 in the evening and im recalling all of this on a positive note. Today was an addition to a great day we had as a rest day from gym. We watched Spiderman: Far From Home and i guess its now my current favorite and HAD to watch it twice.

Speaking of Twice, bruh i want to do a dance cover so bad of #Fancy or #YesOrYes coz i been itching and the choreo is sooo goood! Not to mention Twice was in Manila last 29th of June. *sighs in broke* but i cant say it was the best concert from them coz there were complications like Jungyeon had a sty and was wearing an eye patch the whole concert, Dahyun got sick after along with Mina who wont be attending the 2019 Twicelights Worldtour because she gets anxiety attacks and feels insecure about performing on stage suddenly. I mean i know you got no idea what im talking about but its just sad to think of the fact that even someone so adored by many people, someone who has great physical, social and emotional support, can still feel the lack of these mentally. And if you’re one of those people who feels anxious about anything? I hope you get well soon and i hope you find the true meaning of your purpose in this simulation, because you are not alone. x

In addition to almost wrapping this up, i also treated myself again something from Adidas (coz again, bitch, if no man gon treat me i gon treat myself! HAHA!) which i later on realise i now own 3 bags from there and thinking to get a fourth one....someone help me¿ i also have to mention i already treated myself about a week ago (🎶) by waxing my own axillae, grooming my own brows, a gorgeous lippie from Beauty Cottage called Elegant Impressionist shade #9 Byzantine for half its original price haha, nothing beats fishing me through a sale. Speaking of treat, my Dad gave me my first pair of Tigers man and i cant help but tell yall its the same pair that the He wanted and it totally pissed him off that i got the pair he wanted first so bad and now he doesn’t know what to do coz he’s afraid if we have the same pair we might wear it at the same time and it would be cringy and weird (now for normal people that would sound cute right, matching kicks and all. But no. Not in this lifetime.), since im just blabbering of how im spoiling myself might as well end it here folks.

Guess I’ll keep you updated on how stuff might go on from now since class is fast approaching. Tomorrow I guess I’ll be attending a send-off party for our friend she’s going to the U.S soon. Oh, did i mention the re-run for Endgame is out? 🤔

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silentmight · 8 years ago

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BTS LIVE Trilogy Episode III the WINGS TOUR in Bangkok 2017

Sometimes, all it takes is a little faith and the wings you never knew you had will fly.

About a week and a half ago I YOLO’ed to Bangkok for BTS’ Wings Tour, and it’s a decision I absolutely have no regrets on. Just gonna keep this here as a diary post and concert impression of sorts!

The BTS Wings Tour in Bangkok holds special meaning for me in many ways, but I'll get to that later.

I haven't been to a concert this massive, no not even the local rock bands and gigs I attended while in Singapore can rival this full house of screaming fangirls. Queuing was intense and really stuffy, as Bangkok's weather can really fry you but thankfully I met up with Fonnoi (the girl I bought my ticket from; I randomly saw her post on FB) and then joined her for the concert!

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS PAYING FOR THE STANDING TICKET. We positioned ourselves to the back and could learn against the guard rails, which makes for good viewing cause everyone crammed to the front and I'm glad my height's at an advantage here lol :3 Also I guess I must be old because I was on energy saving mode until the lights went off; the younger fans were all screaming when their bias appeared on screen when they played the MVs to pass time.

As an introduction, they played Spring Day’s MV and when the first verse kicked in I started tearing… IN FACT I WAS SILENTLY CRYING THROUGHOUT MANY SONGS, PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME idk man this is the first time I've cried multiple times during a concert because you can feel the atmosphere and I just have too many FEELINGS.

The boys came on stage and kicked off with Not Today- great way to get the crowd pumping and it's also my fav (hell all of it is). The playlist is pretty much faithful to the one listed on the wiki, you can go check it out there… Hearing Bapsae and DOPE live is such a treat. Anyway I'm, so very glad to be able to watch the BTS boys perform their solo songs from the Wings album, coupled with visuals and stage props that are reflective of their personality and song.

Jungkook’s ‘Begin’ displayed his smooth dancing, which felt like a silent sort of strength. Right after was Jimin's ‘Lie’, which holy shit I've been waiting to watch in person ever since this kid became my no.2… I cannot explain in words how 色っぽい sexy it is, goddamnit! Stop attacking my heart! I cannot fathom how Jimin can look like a marshmallow one minute and then like a wolf!! *tears hair out* My favourite part of the dance was when he was blindfolded onwards /COUGH and when he was lifted into the air by the backup dancers too.

And then… my angel Min Yoongi, aka SUGA’s solo. I usually am unable to listen to 'First Love’ because he outputs a ton of intense emotions when he raps, so when I'm stressed I skip it. Hearing it live is no shortage of his raw feelings, and just listening to him rap it live is truly amazing.

The singer line then performed Lost and Save Me, in which during Lost they started to walk all over stage and I'm glad I… am just less than 10 feet away from them… just seeing Jimin sing live, I can die happy. OH and after this was 'I NEED U', aka the one song that I love to butcher with @hweiro and @wataksampingan in the car. Their pronunciation of “I need you gurrrr” hasn't changed IRL either lol.

Rapmon’s solo really did it for me. The introduction was of him looking at a whale, and this is just my assumption: Was he looking at the loneliest whale in the world? Which he wrote Whalien 52 in the previous album? Is it an allusion to himself, because we all know his song 'Reflection’ is melancholic by nature? As the song progressed, it felt like some deep acid trip going through the ocean and the universe and finally Rapmon ends it by walking into an elevated phone booth… however hearing him repeat, “I wish I could love myself” with the concert visuals truly struck a deep chord within. I don't have a deep soul like him but I can resonate with the feeling of looking at life pass you by, you want to love yourself but it's hard as fuck.

V's “Stigma” was next, sorry my attention here died a bit so I don't remember much lol. The last two solos had me in a silent tearing mess though- J-Hope and Jin. J-Hope is SUCH a good performer, his stage charisma is great and we're treated to his childhood photos as he sang ’MAMA’. He had a long pause before finishing off the song, but in that last verse, he sang it with the intensity of his gratitude and love for his mother I just.. my eyelids were like a leaky tap okay. You can totally see the look of admiration and adoration when he looked up after the song ended. J-HOPE!!! ;____;

Jin… oh Jin. It took me so long to appreciate 'Awake’, but after watching him perform live, I see this song in a new light. He and the violinists/cellists were on individual raised platforms, while the backdrop is pretty simple. It felt like a dreamy sky, and on the front of the platforms were projected feathers. Tbh, from what I know of Jin is that he was mainly the visual, who can't really sing or dance so people were like, why is he even there? And perhaps Jin himself feels it too, being the oldest in the group. The line “Maybe I can, can never fly… I Can't fly like the flower petals over there” just struck me of that train of thought.

But to me, Jin, at that very moment you're flying- flying so high and you could touch the sky.

Feelings of inadequacy and yet wanting to keep on keeping on resonates too much within. This song really punched me in the gut and I was trying to not sniffle (and guess what my eyeliner didn't run lmao)

'Cypher 4’ was the rapper line just doing their thing and going wild, then next was FIRE. OMG I've waited so long to also see this dance in person and also sing along T_Tbbb The next couple of songs had them singing yet running all over stage and I took the opportunity to sneak some photos lol but I'm sad that Suga didn't really come to our side of the stage 🙁 Speaking of Suga, this fella is really funny... as for most of his rap lines he just held his mic up and let the audience fill it in woi wwwwww

I managed to sneak some photos of Jimin as he came over to our side of the pen during ‘LOST’- when the singer line started walking around.

Anyway, I have also been looking forward to the main dances of the night: J-Hope’s insane solo for ‘Boy Meets Evil’ and finally, ‘Blood Sweat and Tears’ in the FLESH. I love BST a lot so getting to see it live is just too much for my heart to take.. even with Wings Outro right after. Tbh I wanted to jump up and down like at a rave party with this song (and Dope/Fire) but.. no one else was doing so.. guess no one jumps at a kpop concert lmfao

I got to see everyone up close though, in particular Jimin, J-Hope, V, Jungkook and Rapmon. Damn, Rapmon gave a flying kiss to the small area of 4-5 i was squashed in and the girl in the front went BERSERK. lol Jimin also high 5’ed a very lucky person!

After a short intermission, they returned with ”There Will Be Better Days” and I was already expecting to bawl at this song because of how easy you can sing along to the lyrics (and their meaning), and fucking bawl I did! Before performing this song Rapmon was like, don't be sad, we'll walk together always in our hearts and towards better days always and damn, I'm moved. I could mainly understand whatever RM was saying cause he's the only one speaking in English haha…

Last song of the night was 'Spring Day,’ which was a fitting end to the entire concert. And with that, the Wings Tour has come to an end.

If I didn't take leap of faith in messaging a total random stranger, who is now a concert goer and new found friend, I would never experience this. People precaution one against randomly asking and buying something from online strangers but if I never spotted Fonnoi’s post on the IME thread, I would never have this experience. I've been shown so much hospitality and warmth throughout, and I'm glad we could establish that trust. I'm really thankful to her for selling the ticket at an ok price!

I guess this concert and trip alone fulfills one of my small dreams; to YOLO to another country solely for a concert and to also solo travel before I'm 30. Honestly I thought I'd never be able to do it but just slog away and slave at work- growing old and letting all my youthful dreams die as I leave behind the vestiges of youth. It might have not been to Japan for sakanaction (still a dream), but I'm infinitely grateful that I was able to watch another one of my favourite groups perform live… not to mention seeing Suga, my ultimate BTS crush and also Jimin in person.

Here’s some sneak shots I took:

Rapmon!!! He’s so charismatic.

#diary #bts #bts wings tour

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pisati · 5 years ago

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I don’t want to jump the gun here, but I’m nervous.

could be I’m just intimidated by the learning curve. I’m not familiar with procedure yet and everything is uncomfortable. I answered the phone the right way today but couldn’t hear the person on the line and of course it was busy and both the other receptionists were doing something and I had to awkwardly put them on hold and ugh

that’s not what’s making me nervous. it’s that I’ve only been there for two days, at half the amount of time I’m going to be working in a few weeks, and I’m already exhausted.

it’s a lot to keep up with. I’ve had zero experience with our scheduling software and it’s complicated. I don’t know procedure at the clinic yet, and I don’t know how to navigate anything. I’m still learning what buttons to click. there’s so much they’re having me watch and, bless them, they’re explaining all of it, but I can’t absorb much of it. I’m still trying to learn people’s names. meanwhile I’m watching the receptionist that’s training me answering the phone no sweat, pulling up a search box, typing in the person’s name (sometimes it’s already being typed in as she’s answering because she saw the caller ID), taking a glance at the profile and without a pause asking about the pet by name, scrolling through the log of interactions and noting what vaccines and tests they’ve had and what they’re due for and what the doctors said, typing in notes about the call with abbreviations and details about everything, knowing where to right-click to pull up other boxes and add new notes or prescription requests, knowing which buttons to press for estimates and invoices and knowing what things look like when those things are ready and the charges are accurate... I know that’s what happens when you’ve had years of experience with it, and I shouldn’t be so intimidated as a newbie, but it really is intimidating. I still barely know what I’m looking at, let alone what half the vaccines are for. so I guess in that way it could be exhausting. just trying to process everything. maybe once it becomes more routine it’ll be less taxing.

everyone’s confident I’ll learn, and they’ve been really encouraging. I know eventually I’ll get it. I’m always nervous about messing up, but it is what it is. I know it’s going to happen. I’m glad everyone’s being so supportive, and I’m trying to get over my anxieties in a productive way. like I asked if we could maybe write down some generic scripts for making/answering different types of phone calls, because that I think is the biggest one I’m nervous about. I don’t know what to even say half the time. they wanted me to make an “easy” call earlier, and I know it was pretty easy (they just wanted to ask an owner if they could possibly come in 10 minutes earlier because the online appointment they booked overlapped with another appointment), but I had no idea how to even... what do you say? or, rather, how do I relay that information and also remember to introduce myself and the clinic and say everything else that needed to be said without rambling or stopping to look for the right words? I tried to remember how the girl training me phrased it so I could write it down, but I think she started a text document after that and is going to write down some basic scripts for me. and also for the training manual she wants to write, because they don’t even have one (??). she wrote the manual for the clinic she worked at in california, so she wants to start writing one for this clinic too. I’m just surprised it hasn’t been done yet. they might’ve had old training manuals, but.. they’re old now. might be good to write up a new one now, so I can be the guinea pig as a totally blank slate, lmao

anyways I’m just nervous about my energy levels. I’ve got two closing shifts tomorrow and friday, 12:30-7 and then 2-7, and I’m afraid tomorrow might actually kill me. I’ve only done 4 hours these last two days and it’s been hard. I crashed hard yesterday and today, even though I tried not to nap. it’s not even 8 hours tomorrow but I just know I’m going to leave that clinic, get in my car, be too tired to make dinner when I get home, and just want to go straight to bed. it reminds me of my last job, and I don’t like that at all. as much as it Sucks getting up at 6am, I think I’d much rather have morning shifts. I can be out in the afternoon, be able to do shopping if I need to, and it’ll still be daylight when I get home. I told them I didn’t have a preference as far as schedules, but I think I might. I didn’t want to say I preferred mornings because I never have, but I think now I’d rather have more time in my day than more time to sleep in and lay in bed feeling useless and tired til it’s time to go in, then close and go home just to go straight back to bed.

maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to tell the clinic manager that. she did want to sit down with me and go over things. for now I’m okay being flexible, and I might need flexibility since I have doctor appointments on scattered mornings. I guess I’ll see.

other than that, it was a pretty good day today. relaxed, though it was a little busy; we had two emergency appointments we had to fit in in the morning, one dog who’d been throwing up all night and another who’d had a new kind of treat and the owner thought a piece of it might’ve gotten stuck. we had another come in with a bad cough later in the day. there were only two of us opening, and one of them was me and I’m basically useless lmao. so it was a little crazy, but we managed.

the other receptionist I’ve been working with (the one who’s leaving soon) wasn’t there today, and I guess she’s the one who usually puts on music, so the one that’s training me put on spotify on her phone. I asked if she’d heard of noah gundersen, because some of the songs on her playlist reminded me of him, and she said she had! that was a surprise to me; literally nobody I know has heard of him. I only knew about him because he opened for city & colour a few years ago. turns out we have a lot of overlapping indie tastes, and some of hers are even more obscure than mine. so that’s really cool. I wasn’t sure if she was joking when she said “we should totally go!!” when I told her noah gundersen was touring in DC in october, but if I win that ticket contest I might ask if she wants to go. I already asked charlotte, so she’s got first dibs, but knowing her she’ll be too busy. even if I don’t win, I’ll probably want to buy tickets anyway. she told me about this artist she discovered a while back and played a song of his for me; he’d done a gorgeous cover of city & colour’s Waiting (she loves C&C too!!). and on his first tour to the US she talked to him, went to both of his shows in SF and LA, I think. she said she lived 2 hours north of LA and 4 hours south of SF, and she road tripped to both because she just liked his music that much. she says the artist knows her and her mom at this point and loves them both; he didn’t feel like flying to LA from SF so he apparently asked if he could road trip with them and she said it was a great time. that’s such a cool experience to have.

so it was nice being able to bond with the coworkers a little, to have something in common to talk about. I didn’t have that at my last job. the one person nearest in age to me was almost 10 years older, so I didn’t have much to talk about with anyone. I didn’t follow sports or watch anything on tv that my all-male coworkers did, so all the pop culture references went right over my head (except one time when my coworker happened to also have watched Flint Town, the mini docuseries about Flint, MI, and we actually had a decent discussion about it). my supervisor and I basically just had the fact that we were women in common, lmao. the only two in the company, by the time I left. we’d joke about men sometimes, and she was cool to talk to when we needed a conversation break from work, but I still never felt all that comfortable there. the expectation was more... head down, work 8 straight hours, limit chit-chat, go home.

of course at the clinic the expectation is work first, but it’s only human to talk to each other in between tasks. and it’s easy enough; most of our interruptions are phone calls and clients coming in, and all of us know to drop what we’re doing and attend to those first. it’s just nice to be able to relax a little and feel like a person, to be able to talk to other humans to get through the day and not feel guilty for having personal conversations because you know you’re still getting your work done in between. I don’t have to cram my fuzzy-socked feet into uncomfortable ballet flats or sit in the same seat for 8 straight hours, ruining my jaw propping my head up at my desk; I get to wear the comfy sneakers I got at walmart, scrubs, and yoga pants (for now-- I think they want us to wear scrub pants but I don’t have any in my size yet). I get to get up every once in a while, to check in patients and let the techs know the appointments are there, get medications, so on. I’m nervous for plenty of reasons, but I still definitely appreciate the environment at this clinic a hell of a lot. I’m sure it’ll help me feel more comfortable and more confident in myself in a work environment, especially once I start actually learning the ropes. I’ve been burned a lot with jobs that have been just beyond my capacity and I think I just need to rebuild that confidence. maybe if my health situation improves I’ll start being able to expand my capacity again. I feel like I definitely backslid, but I guess that’s just what happens when your health hasn’t been great for 10+ years.

I emailed my psychiatrist’s office to ask if they’d gotten my EKG results 2 days after I’d gotten it done (my primary said I could even call that day because they were going to fax them right away), but they emailed me back saying they hadn’t gotten them. I should’ve called my primary days ago to ask them to actually send it, but I hate calling people (cool that I’m working as a receptionist now,,,). so today I went into my patient portal and looked for the results; I hadn’t been able to see them before because I guess they started using a new service or something? but whenever I tried to log in on chrome it’d just give me a spinny wheel and wouldn’t actually log me in. I thought to try safari today, because I remembered my bank had been giving me a similar issue for a while, and it worked. they’d uploaded my actual EKG chart to my profile, so I just downloaded it and emailed it to my psych’s office myself. I explained that my primary said it was totally normal and I’m cleared for adderall. hopefully that’s enough for my doc. we were kind of hoping that I’d be able to try the adderall before I started work, but I guess being part-time for 2 weeks isn’t the worst time to try it either. if my sending it to her is ok, maybe she’ll be able to send out the prescrip tomorrow. the hope is that, since it’s a stimulant, it’ll give me enough of an energy kick to be able to get through work days and be able to focus and retain a little more information. I hope that’s the end result, anyway. god knows I need the energy.

it’s good for me to get the anxieties out now. it actually does feel a little better to get them out and see them written out, because looking at them written down, from the outside, I do look like I’m hyperbolizing a bit. just worrying, worrying, worrying. I’m glad it’s just nagging worries and not actual anxiety, but I do wish my brain would shut up and let me do things. it’d be cool if I didn’t get so self-deprecating over little mistakes too, but one thing at a time. nervous, definitely, but I just need time. everything’s working out so far; got charlotte’s wedding on the calendar already just to get that definitely squared away. my sleep med doctor appointment is on a morning when I’m scheduled after noon. at least for the next few weeks I don’t have any problems or conflicts so that’s real nice. I think this week might be a pay week, so I’ll have to see if I’m getting paid yet; my first paycheck’s going to be really small but it’ll be something, and something is more than I’ve been getting for the last year, so. I can’t complain. I fixed an issue I had with my investment money yesterday, and I was really proud of myself for making a scary phone call and actually adulting, lol. I got that issue all sorted out thanks to the nice guy at the investment company who had to put some puzzle pieces together bc the guy that helped me do the transaction fucked up and I couldn’t figure out how (because I did this 4 months ago and only looked at it now 🙄). I’m just glad to have it sorted, and I’m meeting with my mom’s financial advisor on monday to talk about all of this too, so hopefully that’ll ease my mind some, just knowing that my financial situation is being taken care of. maybe I’ll start getting some sense of where I’m at relative to what I need for the things I want in the next few years, and I’ll be getting some guidance on how to get the most out of what I have. I don’t know anything about money and I’m terrible at numbers; I would rather not have any kind of involvement in the stock market at all. it’s too confusing and anything involving even a little bit of math makes me want to barf. but it’s the smartest move at this point and I know it. I’m just glad I have help. knowing that, knowing that things are generally okay, even if I’m still not in the best shape... I just feel balanced. I haven’t been able to feel that in a long-ass time, and god am I happy to be there.

I just want to keep this calmness going.

#an anxieties purge #wow am I glad I have a side blog so I don't have to feelings-dump on anyone else lmao #everyone should have a private outlet like that #it's always been a comfort just to sit down and write #even if I don't feel like I got it all out #blah blah

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