#you literally cant say anything to this dude even remotely suggesting he might be in the wrong or that something could be done better

[nothingbutalgae]

I have been off work for 7 and a half hours and Im still enraged from the last two hours of my shift. That's how my day went.

And the rage is not towards a customer or customers, but a fucking coworker. Good news is that I straight up texted my boss DURING MY SHIFT and went "hey, I need to have a discussion with you about so-and-so this week. What day works best for that?" And the vibe of the text I got back was essentially "uh-oh" cause like.. when i go in to talk to her about stuff on my days off or besides when im working she knows something is about to go down because I think in 3 years of working for her and the company Ive done it maybe 3 times. First time would be when I tried to put in a transfer to a different location, second time was I wasnt getting hours and was like... hey... i need at least this many hours a week or I will find a different job, and... you know what? This actually might be the third time. So I've done it twice in 3 years both of which were serious discussions. Anyway also texted another manager and went "hey.. im talking to boss about him because Im ridiculously angry. He needs to be responsible for once in his life" and told her what happened and she agreed it was dishonest and a bunch of bullshit and said he does similar things to her all the time and she is going to talk to our boss and him separately about it this week because something needs to happen and some rules need to be set and we need to figure out what exactly his job entails bc I doubt it's to sit there and look pretty.

Im angry enough I cant sleep and I couldnt take a nap to calm down when I got home despite being tired bc I was that worked up, and still am. Like every time I try to relax I literally just feel my heart like slamming in my chest and it's like... oh boy

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 13.10.17 lb

ok i’m actually incapable of watching this godforsaken show without constantly scream-typing every thought that passes through my head, so here we are.

omfg what is this ajeeb chandni bar type lighting?? 😟😟😟

i love how shivaay’s been missing for a whole 24 hours and no one even bothered to ask him where he was. like it’s so routine now that no one even gives a fuck anymore. he eventually comes back. he ALWAYS comes back. (unfortunately.)

this whole fucking memorial plan was hella dumb in the first place.

LMAO WHUT SHUKLA IS IN A COMA???? HOW?????? matlab kuchhhh bhi????

lol godddd these fuckers are gonna get caught coz they never stop fighting.

OMFG SHIVAAY YOU IDIOT HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE THE MIRRORS ARE IN YOUR OWNNNNN HOUSE 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

lololololol shaatir singh oberoi gonna get fucked over by uncle TEZZZZZ singh oberoi.

like, i can’t believe that shivaay/anika are thinking that the sr. oberois are incapable of doing such things. once again may i remind you ppl, pinky GOT HER OWN SON KIDNAPPED/ALMOST KILLED AND JUST GENERALLY FUCKED HIM OVER COZ SHE WASNT GETTING HIS ATTENTION. tej tried to SET FIRE TO HIS WIFE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND GET HIS SON EATEN BY A CROCODILE SO HE COULD MARRY HIS SIDE CHICK. whyyyyyyyy do you think they’re not capable of setting a mill on fire for insurance money???? this actually is very lowwwww level kameenapan compared to the shit they’ve already done???? 😒😒😒

god shivaay you’re a fucking idiot.

anikaaaaa has had enouuuuugh of this bullllllllllshit. no one is letting her fucking enjoy her honeymoon period! she should be doted on and fussed over and getting orgasms on the daily; not having to deal with this garbage! 😤😤😤😤

ok fuck you shivaay. maybe if you bothered LISTENING to her when she talked then you’d understand the issue. god i hate men.

WHAT THE FUCK HES NOT EVEN TELLING HER WHERE HES GOING????? OMG FUCKING LEAVE HIS ASS ANIKA. TAKE TANYA AND RUN AWAY. MY GOD THESE OBEROI MEN ARE THE FUCKING WORST HUSBANDS IN THE UNIVERSE.

lol of course she’s gonna follow you. why are you even bothering to say that?!!? do you not know your wife at all?

like even if she wasn’t thinking of it, you’ve put the idea in her head now.

ok on one hand i’m like anika, why??? he’s clearly got something else on his mind. also he doesn’t deserve this seduction routine with how rude he’s being. on the other OMG WHAT KINDA PATTHAR DIL SANAM ARE YOU SHIVAAY????? she’s so stinking cute and she’s trying to loveeeee you and my goddddd why aren’t you responding even a littleeeeee? you’re the fucking worst omg.

anika should have married that kinda-psycho-but-overall-cute che footiya vikram when she had the chance. he’s an orphan too, so uske yeh roz roz ke family waale siyaape bhi nahi hote. 😕😕😕

ouff why do these two have to bring dadi in between all their private marriage waale issues???? you two are so fucking immature. 😒😒😒

omfg anika stop playing him retro songs and just tell him to fuckkkkk offfff already; you didn’t even do anything wrong here?!?!!

god what even am i watching; just gimme my rikara. i want to see my sweetu sardarKara. 👳🏽‍♀️👳🏽‍♀️👳🏽‍♀️👳🏽‍♀️

ugh fucking fuckkkkkk rudra i don’t wanna waste my time on this garbage.

mwahaha bhavya calling rudra out on trying to ape SSO. 🙃🙃🙃

daaaadi chaante toh bachpan mein lagaane the isko. 😒😒😒

wait, the fashion wing is an official oberoi thing? and they trusted rudra with it. wow.

bitchh what did you do for that land deal??? abhay did everything. 🙄🙄🙄

ouffff i wanted to see abhay’s abs.

OK THIS FUCKER IS JUST ASKING FOR IT WITH THE WAY HE’S TREATING MY GIRL TANYA. GIRL, TIME TO GHUSAOFY THAT KHANJAR YOU FOUND IN THE DRAWER. OR CALL IN THE EXPERT: QUEEN SVETLANA. 😈😈😈

god i’m feeling the shivika/abhya (tanAy?) parallels and all but god i just want my girls to leave these assholes already. all oberoi men are unworthy of their women and their love. ALL OF THEM.

what the fuck are these looks abhay gives every time she mentions love??? does he not love her??? why did he marry her then? 🤔🤔🤔

god abhay, you manipulative piece of shit. ugh why is your face so goddamn attractive that i can’t hate youuuuu. 😭😭😭😭😭 (the same genes that shivKara have. ouff. jeena haraam kar rakha hai in kambakht mardon ne.)

lmao what these ppl are really going to goa???? i thought that was to mislead shivaay!!!

hahahahaha shivaay’s seen ipkknd and knows that wife can smuggle herself (and pakore) in via the boot. 😂😂😂

lmaooooo of course dadi is in on this.

god tanya, you’re the worst at this.

why the fuck does GAURI have to pay for richa’s shaadi????

how the fuck is this all INCLUDING gehne only coming up to 40k??? like gehne alone should hella expensive???? 😐😐😐

oooooooh she called him omkara!

ok girl have you ever considered if everything is SO similar (down to the earring he’s wearing!), it might be him???? just a… suggestion. 😬😬😬

she’s basing her conclusion that this isn’t omkara purely on the fact that dilpreet’s shaayari is so fucking horrible. amaze.

oh. richa’s been a good friend. chalo theek hai phir.

chirraiya be like bitch you don’t know me. i mastered a whole language in one week flat. i brought down kali thakur, svetlana, and buamaa oberoi single handedly. i did dangal and pachadofied a trained pehelwan. i have shivaay singh oberoi wrapped around my little finger. mereko underestimate na kariyo. 😒😒😒

god i love this girl so much. she’s so amazing. this whole show and everyone in it is so unworthy of her.

look at him watch her gooooo. he’s soooo falling in love with her. eeeeeee. 😚😚😚

lmao why is he always hungryyyyy, yeh anika ka bhai hai kya???

ok abhay really hates tanya. and i hate him for hating tanya. my poor girl.

abhay can you just take your shirt off while you do this nonsense evil monologue (complete with cliche evil laugh) of yours??? give a girl something to work with here. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

oufffff this fucking maaaaaaa is so annoying. can she just die????

this woman doesn’t even look remotely sick.

WHY CANT THIS USELESS MAAAAAAAA GIVE HIM THE FOOD????

um gauri, don’t touch his stuff. it’s weird.

ooooooh noooooo the cardddddddd. 😬😬😬

oh thank god

MERA KAMRA TOH AAP….

pffffft typical spoilt brown dude. ugh.

oh ho, can’t eat till gauri’s eaten, what a patnivrata boy. ☺️☺️☺️

LMAO THE WAY HE STARTLED HER

god he’s so annoying. cute but annoying. talks tooooo much.

hmph. achchi biwis are wasted on you men. fuck you allllll.

ok why this fucking song. lordddddd it sooooo doesn’t go with the scene.

him sneaking lovestruck looks at her though. oufffffff omki, just let me haaaaate you yaaar. 😩😩😩😩

OK THIS DEVI KI CHUNNI THING AND THIS SONG TOTALLY DOESNT GO TOGETHER. WYD SONG DEPT????

his little kaan pakad-ing thing is cute tho. 😊😊😊

ok the hand grabbing is a litttle inappropriate bro. keep distance. horn ok please. 😑😑😑

ummmmm ok wtf is this sundari bua and don waala garbage??? i literally do not give a single fuck about this nonsense rn. fwding.

errrrrrr ok?!?? i find it realllly hard to believe that gauri would fall asleep on some rando dude she doesn’t even know like that. matlab awaiiii ka romance ghusaane ke liye kuch bhi???? 🤔🤔🤔

don’t touch her!!!! you suck and are not worthy!!!! (yet.)

yup. gauri has all the GHORRR PAAAAAAAAAP 😱😱😱😱😱 waale feels

wow, gauri toh ab shankarji se bhi maafi english mein maangti hai. too much.

um girl you don’t know he’s an achcha insaan??? you literally know nothing about him.

like i love dilpreet. i do. with all my heart. but this is suchhhhhhh a ridiculous fucking plot. honestly. i mean… i know i should suspend all belief but DUDE. HADH HAI. HE EVEN HAS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING TATTOO ON HIS WRIST. HE HASNT EVEN BOTHERED COVERING THAT UP!!!!!!! LIKE WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT???? COME ON GAURI. AANKHEIN HAI YA BUTTON???????? 😒😒😒😒😒😒

pfffft sheher chota ho ya bada, rehnewaalon ki soch kahin bhi rehkar choti ho sakti hai.

um then why have you let some random guy you don’t even know live in your house???

LMAO BHAIIIIIIIII KI TARAH 😂😂😂

snort. hubs is having a srs panic attack at being termed bhai. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

precap: guess we’re all going to goa then. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️