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botanistlester · 7 years

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Sweet Pea (17/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: warnings for this chapter include anxiety and more angst. thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Lantern by The White Birch!

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Chapter Seventeen

I watched the lanterns tilt through days of darkened guilt. I prayed for newborn skies to lift me up so high.

Phil didn’t end up texting Chandler back that night.

Perhaps it was the fear; the fear that had never left him, digging under his skin, melding into his bones. It was a part of him now, tearing deep through his mind, ripping him to shreds until there was absolutely nothing left to be salvaged.

Dan had tried to patch him up as best as he could, stitching him up with affection, telling him how much he meant to him. He put plasters on Phil’s heart in the form of piano playing and reading aloud, except he wasn’t a surgeon and he didn’t seem to know where to put them, so Phil’s heart continued to shatter, crumbling to the floor like rotting wood. It was inevitable, and there was nothing Dan could do about it, but he tried his best anyway, picking up the broken pieces and trying to glue them back together, not caring that the same pieces kept crumbling and he was just repeating actions with no real resolution.

Nearly a week had passed before he finally decided to text Chandler back. He barely left his flat, only doing so when he had work. He was grateful for LaBella’s then, for not firing him when they heard about the police coming to Phil’s home, but also because they allowed him to change his hours to work lunches so he didn’t have to work with his ex best friend.

Since he’d quit school, he had a lot of free time. Since Dan still had school, Dan didn’t have a lot of free time. So Phil worked during the times when he would have school, and when Dan got out, Phil would cling to him like a static-filled blanket. Phil had turned into an actual child, but Dan never seemed to care. He was just too soft and caring for his own good, and Phil vowed to himself that he would make it up to Dan one day.

Phil was alone when he decided to finally man up and text Chandler. He refused to call her his best friend anymore, because he didn’t think that friends were supposed to screw their friends’ boyfriends. He took a deep breath, staring at Chandler’s name in his phone - he had long since deleted the threatening text because it hurt to much to look at it, but now he was ready.

He was ready to know what the fuck was going on.

So with his heart pounding hard in his chest, Phil typed out a message and sent it before he could talk himself out of it. As soon as he pressed the little send button, he threw his phone across the room, and hid under the blankets of his bed so he could hide from his problems.

Phil Lester - 1:54pm

Hi. Can you please explain to me what happened and why you decided to sleep with my boyfriend? I’m really hurt.

Even when he heard his phone chime from across the room, alerting him of a new message, Phil still didn’t look at it. He didn’t look at it until he had calmed down the racing in his veins and he could think just a tad more clearly. Only then did he stand up to grab his phone, closing his eyes before looking at the message, just so he could ground himself a little bit.

Chandler Jones - 1:56pm

I told you before. You werent appreciating him. You made him upset more than not. And then, after treating him like shit, you accused him of abuse? Youre so ungrateful and its no wonder he wanted to find someone better

Phil bit his tongue and fought against the dumb tears in his eyes. Stay strong.

Phil Lester - 1:57pm

You knew i loved him though. So why would you sleep with him when youre supposed to be my best friend? And why would you hide that from me?

Chandler Jones - 2:01pm

He didnt want me to tell you. And frankly he deserves better than you.

Phil Lester - 2:02pm

I thought you were my friend.

Chandler Jones - 2:04pm

Yeah well things change.. Get over it.

Phil set his phone down and pressed his palms into his eyes. He was quivering, had been quivering nonstop for a week now, and he couldn’t seem to stop it at all. Everything that he had known before Nico had come into his life had been torn down in a fortnight. He didn’t know who his friends were, didn’t know who he could trust.

Nico had taken all of that away from him.

Suddenly, he was angry. He wanted to kill, to cause destruction. He wanted to throw things against the wall, like the phone Nico had shattered only months ago. He wanted to grab Nico and scream at him, he wanted to shout about how he used to be normal, but now he couldn’t remember what ‘normal’ was, or how to get himself out of this awful funk he’s found himself in.

He was taken back to those few days at his mum’s house, those days where he was left in a limbo, unsure of where he stood with Nico. He had been empty, had dropped out of school, had gotten piercings that he knew Nico hated. He wasn’t himself anymore - he was this person, this machine, who was just doing things recklessly without feeling.

He felt like Nico had felt after his dad had gotten arrested. Without emotion, numb. He thought about how Nico had said there was no feeling in his chest aside from the numbness, and how he had no hope. Phil felt like that now. Devoid of hope. Devoid of emotion. Cold, reckless, uncaring.

He didn’t want to be like this, damn it. He just wanted to feel something again.

Without thinking about it, Phil grabbed his phone once more. He screenshotted his text messages and sent them to Dan with no context. He knew that Dan would understand. Afterwards, he deleted Chandler’s messages and the screenshots. He didn’t need them anymore, and he would rather not be reminded of what his friend had done to him.

He opened up a new text message, a blank slate, one for someone he had never messaged before. He narrowed his eyes as he typed up a message, ignoring Dan’s incoming text, ignoring a few extra messages from Charlie, who had been trying to text Phil every day to no reply. Phil was desperate. He needed to be wanted. He needed that hole in his chest to be patched up.

He needed to be normal.

Phil Lester - 2:15pm

Hey Jace! Sorry it took so long for me to text you. It’s Phil from the tattoo shop- you pierced my tongue and septum :-)

Jace Owens - 4:56pm

Do you want to get lunch with me this week?

Phil Lester - 4:57pm

Id be honoured :)

“You need to go outside.”

“I do not need to go outside right now.”

“Phil, you haven’t been out in like a week. It’s unhealthy.”

Phil glared at Dan from across the table, dropping his spoon into his bowl of cereal. If looks could kill, Dan would have dropped dead right then. He didn’t want to go outside. Didn’t Dan understand? Besides, he went out for work. That was enough for him. “I told you that I don’t need to go outside, Daniel.”

Jace Owens - 5:00pm

Yay! What kind of food are you into?

Dan sighed as Phil picked up his phone to read the text message he’d just gotten. It seemed like he was sighing more often than not these days. Phil was worried that Dan was getting tired of him, that he didn’t want to be here anymore. In all honesty, Phil wouldn’t blame him if that were the case. He knew that he wasn’t the best person to be around right now, so Phil would hold no grudges against Dan if he decided to get the hell out of their friendship.

But Dan didn’t say anything of the sort. Instead, he just smiled calmly at Phil, a patient expression on his face. Phil gave major props to Dan for never losing his cool with Phil. “We’re almost out of cereal,” Dan told him, the ‘we’ forming on his tongue like it was meant to be there. “So we should go to the store. Unless you really want to run out of Shreddies again?”

Phil Lester - 5:02pm

Anything that doesnt involve cheese, ill be good

Jace Owens - 5:03pm

so no pizza? Shame on you

Phil didn’t want to give in. He really fucking didn’t. With his eyes trained on Dan’s smiling face, he picked up the box of cereal and shook it lightly. Dan was right. The box was nearly empty, probably only a single bowl left. Phil knew that he needed to go to the store if he wanted to get his fill, and he growled through his teeth. “Fine,” he muttered, taking another angry bite of cereal. “But we grab everything and get out of there as quickly as possible. Deal?”

“Deal,” Dan responded, smiling widely. His eyes sparkled in the lighting of the kitchen.

Phil Lester - 5:09pm

Cheese is an exception on pizza

Jace Owens - 5:13pm

Then prepared to be pizza’d up!

Phil Lester - 5:15pm

My body is ready

After much complaining and grumbling on Phil’s part, Dan finally dragged him out of the flat with a hand on the small of his back and a long, hard look. Phil had spent the entire morning acting sick to his stomach, just so that he wouldn’t have to go outside, but Dan wasn’t having it. He had called Phil a liar. Phil wasn’t a liar. He just liked to twist the truth a little bit. He’s been feeling sick to his stomach all week, though it wasn’t necessarily directly connected to going to the store.

But now they were in the store and Phil felt like he was a walking funeral. His lips were set in a permanent grimace, his eyes downcast. He was dressed in all black today, which truly reflected what he was feeling. He let Dan throw groceries into the basket without paying attention to what was being put into it. He didn’t really care at the moment, just wanting to get this over with so he could go back home, bury himself under the blankets, and watch the entirety of Regular Show until his eyes fell out of his head. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

Dan was chatting about his classes and how he was trying to figure out his timetable for the next term. Phil didn’t really understand all of the theatre talk, but he liked the way that it made Dan waffle about, ranting about all of the things that he was interested in and excited for. Plus, it filled the silence, so Phil couldn’t really complain too much.

“Do you think you’ll ever enroll in uni again?” Dan asked nonchalantly, taking Phil off guard. Dan’s voice wasn’t judging at all. It was warm and inviting, which was the only reason Phil didn’t get mad at him, he reckoned.

Phil shrugged. Truth be told, he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He wanted to enroll back in school, but he didn’t think he could handle going to the same university that Nico went to. He didn’t think he could pay attention in class or do his revisions or anything, really. At this point in his life, he just needed a break more than anything. Some time to himself, a way to just relax and worry about his own mental health. “I’m not sure,” Phil said quietly. He would voice all of his thoughts to Dan, but his tongue couldn’t seem to form the words. So instead he just murmured, “Maybe once I get out of this funk I’m in.”

Dan smiled brightly at him. It always seemed like whenever Phil couldn’t bring a smile to his face, Dan would always grin for the both of them. It was nice, but it made Phil feel guilty. He couldn’t help but feel as though Dan deserved better than this, that Dan shouldn’t be forced into the role of a fucking caretaker. “Well, just relax for now. You don’t have to worry about that for a while, okay?”

Phil was already planning on that. He didn’t really care in all honesty, so Dan’s reassurances didn’t do much for him. He appreciated the sentiment though. “Thank you,” Phil told him earnestly, giving him a tired half-smile.

He went to look back to the ground so he could continue walking with his head down, but he caught sight of a familiar head of blond hair before he could do so. His eyes widened and he shrunk down beside Dan, trying to blend in with Dan’s frame. His heart was nearly leaping out of his chest, bile rising in his throat. He needed to keep calm, damn it. “Hide me,” Phil hissed to a very confused Dan.

“Erm-?” Dan started, but he listened despite his confusion. He opened up his jacket and wrapped it around Phil’s shoulders, drawing him into his side without question. His eyes were looking around nervously, probably searching for the offending person, but Dan didn’t know who Ledjon even was, so he wouldn’t understand.

Dan was warm. He always was. Phil was always cold, so he liked being close to Dan. He was a bit like a vampire, sucking up all the heat he could get.

“What’s wrong?” Dan whispered to him, and Phil shook his head. They were getting a few weird looks from other shoppers, but Phil tried not to pay attention to them.

He couldn’t speak. He was far too anxious, too shaky, to try to even formulate any words. He would do anything to stop Ledjon from seeing him, even if that meant he had to start running at top speed as soon as he could. He kept his head down, his eyes flickering from side to side as if he could see anything from where Dan had tucked him under his shoulder. They probably looked completely and utterly ridiculous.

But that didn’t matter, and God hated him apparently, because suddenly there was a voice speaking beside him, and Phil nearly jumped out of his skin. “Phil? Is that you?”

Phil jumped backwards, knocking Dan backwards and nearly making him crash to the ground. He stared at Ledjon with his eyes wide, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn’t want to be here. This is why he shouldn’t go outside. Damn Dan for making him do this when he wasn’t ready!

Dan caught his balance rather than falling, and stepped in front of Phil because apparently he was his bodyguard now. “Who are you?” Dan asked bluntly, and Ledjon cocked his head in confusion, his eyes flickering between Dan and Phil.

“Erm,” he started hesitantly. “I’m Ledjon? Are you two…?”

Phil shook his head and swallowed, trying to man himself up so he could actually speak and act like a normal fucking person for once. He needed to face his fears, no matter how much he would cry afterwards. “No,” Phil said flatly. He cleared his throat because his voice had come out a bit raspy and it made him sound like a fifty year old smoker. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m shopping,” Ledjon said nonchalantly. His eyes flickered back over to Dan and he pursed his lips. Dan was glaring at him with an aura of protectiveness, and Phil didn’t know how Ledjon didn’t burn to the ground under that gaze. “Can we… talk somewhere?”

“I really don’t think he wants to talk,” Dan interjected. Ledjon sighed and ran a hand through his blond hair. He seemed tired. “Look, Phil. I know about Nico. But I also know that you didn’t deserve what he put you through. So can we please just talk?”

Phil felt like the world had suddenly stopped. He stared at Ledjon, frozen, unable to formulate any of his thoughts. Instead, he gaped at him, his mouth slightly ajar. His head hurt. Ledjon knew? About Nico? But… what exactly did he know?

“Don’t do it if you feel uncomfortable,” Dan murmured quietly next to Phil, his voice soft and supportive. Phil was grateful for that. At least he knew that if he needed somebody to be there with him, then Dan would always support him.

Staying silent and gnawing on his lip would not help him this time. So with regret and mild curiosity, Phil opened his mouth. “Fine,” he said, a cold edge to his tone. He didn’t fully trust Ledjon, especially because Ledjon was Nico’s roommate. “But only if Dan can be there too.”

Ledjon cast a glance over at Dan, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Phil didn’t blame him. He knew that they looked very close, much closer than normal friends, but there was nothing he could do about it. Dan was his best friend, his protector, and if he made Phil feel safe then he was going to keep him around at all costs. “Okay,” Ledjon said eventually, drawing out the word. He didn’t quite understand, but he didn’t need to understand everything. “Did you want to grab a coffee or something?”

Phil looked in the basket at the cheeses and pasta and milk. He set the basket on a random shelf. “Sure,” he said quietly, despite the fact that they had just wasted their afternoon shopping and would need to come again later. He just wanted to get this over with.

They ended up at a little coffee shop around the corner from the stores. It was called The Cup and had a little steaming mug of coffee on the sign. Phil had never been there before, but he could tell by the lack of people inside that this was probably not the best coffee shop in the world. But still, it was coffee, and he couldn’t complain when Ledjon was offering to buy both of their drinks with a soft smile and the assurance that it was okay.

They sat at a round table by the window, and Phil found himself leaning into Dan, trying to get away from Ledjon the best that he could. He lifted his coffee to his lips, but his hands were shaking so badly that he ended up spilling it all over his shirt. Dan handed him a napkin without a word, giving him a soothing smile.

“So,” Ledjon started, watching as Phil dabbed at his shirt. Phil froze, because this was it. He was going to figure out what Ledjon wanted to talk to him about. “You and Nico broke up.”

It wasn’t a question, more of a statement. He wasn’t asking about it, he was just stating a fact. And yet Phil felt the need to answer him anyways. “Yes,” he said quietly, flinching at the bluntness. Even the thought of how they’d broken up made Phil’s head start to hurt and his stomach begin to churn. He didn’t like to think about it. In fact, most of the time he didn’t. He would prefer to just ignore what had happened.

Dan put a hand on his and squeezed, and it was then that Phil realised he had been digging his nails into his thigh, forming painful little crescents into his skin. Dan didn’t let go, holding his hand under the table out of the eyesight of Ledjon.

Ledjon hummed, biting at the skin of his lip. He seemed contemplative, staring into his mug of coffee with a conflicted expression. “Do you… do you want to talk about it?” he asked, his cheeks turning red with the question. “Excuse me?”

Ledjon groaned then and pushed a hand through his blond hair. He seemed frustrated, at himself more than anything. “Alright, I’m gonna be straight with you,” he said, tugging at a lock of his hair. He glanced up and met Phil’s gaze, turning serious. Phil’s anxiety worsened with just those words, buzzing in his head like an angry wasp. His vision got a bit blurry. “I know what Nico’s done to you. And I’m on your side.”

Just like when Phil had told his mum that he wanted to quit school, everything stopped. Dan’s hand tightened around his own, but rather than feeling comforting, it felt suffocating. The walls of the restaurant were moving in on him, shrinking, trying to bury him alive. He gulped and it was harder to breathe than it should have been. He cleared his throat to hide his inner turmoil and instead let out a shaky, “Oh?”

He didn’t know what Ledjon was referring to when he mentioned what Nico had done to Phil. Did he mean the breakup? How Nico had slapped him that one time? Or how Phil had just let him get dragged away by the police? There were just too many options, and Phil had no idea what Ledjon was going to say.

Ledjon smiled at him, putting his chin in his hand. Phil watched as he rubbed at his facial hair with his thumb, smoothing it down. Phil liked to imagine that Ledjon had a cat on his face that he was petting or something. “Let me tell you something,” Ledjon said, his eyes flicking over to Dan as well. “I know it’s hard to come to terms with, but I want you to know that you’re not overreacting, you’re not looking for attention, and your feelings are valid. I know you must feel guilty for the break up, but it’s not your fault at all. Nico did this to himself. He did this to you. You have a right to be upset and nobody is going to blame you for that anymore. Now you can focus on yourself and getting better, and you have people who love you and will support you no matter what.”

Phil stared at his hands in his lap, stared at the way his and Dan’s hand were still intertwined. He felt like he needed to cry. Except there were no tears forming, his eyes just felt sticky and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He didn’t know what to say, his mouth as dry as his eyes at this point. So he cleared his throat again, kept his eyes trained on his lap, and muttered, “I know you’re Nico’s friend. You don’t have to just say this stuff to me to make me feel better. I’m just being overly sensitive and putting it on other people.”

“Phil, no-,” Dan started, but Ledjon cut him off before he could say anything else.

“I’m not just saying that because I want to make you feel better, Phil,” Ledjon said quietly, but in a stern voice. Phil saw him lean on his elbows out of the corner of his eye. “I’m saying that because I know how you feel.”

At that, Phil’s head shot up and he regarded Ledjon with a look of alarm. His head was spinning with his new knowledge. What did Ledjon mean by that? “You what?”

Dan was staring too, his eyes wide, probably confused out of his mind. He had no idea what was going on or why this random guy was suddenly talking to them, but he was listening valiantly, prepared to be Phil’s watchdog at any given time. Phil appreciated that more than he could ever express.

There was a weary expression taking over Ledjon’s face. His eyes turned downcast and Phil could see a river in the blue of his irises. His eyebrows furrowed and his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. He licked his lips and gnawed on them just a bit more, the definition of nervousness. “Do you remember when I got that black eye?”

Phil nodded, his throat clogging up. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

Ledjon exhaled through his nose. “When Nico found out that I had told you to be careful, he ended up confronting me. We fought for a bit and I told him that you didn’t deserve to be destroyed by him. He ended up punching me so hard that I blacked out for a bit.” Phil opened his mouth and then closed it again because Ledjon wasn’t done. “Not the first time that’s happened, to be honest. But that’s beside the point. The real point is that he’s not a good person. He’s manipulative and selfish and he likes to be in control of everyone around him. If things had gone on any longer between you two, I have no doubt in my mind that it would have gotten physical. You didn’t deserve that. You never deserved that.”

The first thing that Phil felt was pity, because Phil had never been punched by Nico and he couldn’t even began to imagine how angry Nico must have been to do something like that. But then he just felt sad, because Ledjon knew who Nico was, and was telling him the same things that Dan has been telling him for weeks. He didn’t know what to believe, but it was hard to ignore when two people who didn’t know each other were telling him the exact same thing. “He didn’t mean to be like that with me,” Phil whispered, a last attempt at protecting his relationship. “He was going through some stuff. He didn’t mean any of it.”

“Is that what he told you?” Ledjon asked, and Phil flinched at the words. He squeezed Dan’s hand so hard that he thought he must have fractured some bones, but Dan stayed as still as a rock, listening, letting Phil use him as a stress ball.

“He wasn’t lying, Ledjon.”

“Oh, I have no doubt that he wasn’t lying,” Ledjon answered easily with a wave of his hand. “But it’s easy to use sad stories to guilt trip you and make you do whatever he wants.”

Phil glared at him, feeling slightly offended. There was no way Nico would do something like that. He couldn’t even think of a time when Nico had done something such as that. “He didn’t do that to me.”

He watched through narrowed eyes as Ledjon calmly took a sip of his coffee. The mug made a clink against the wooden table as Ledjon set it back down when he was finished, then scooted it towards Phil only slightly. “Has he ever told you how much he didn’t want to be like his father?”

It was then that Phil realised that Ledjon knew. He knew about everything, knew about Nico’s father, knew about Nico’s nature. Nico had lied when he’d told Phil that nobody else knew about his past. He had lied. Why had he lied?

“He… did,” Phil whispered.

Ledjon raised his eyebrows and Phil felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He wanted to get out of this godforsaken coffee shop and get away from the world for a little bit. He wanted to run back to his cave, curl under the blankets, and watch some cartoons until his eyes fell out of his head once and for all. He wanted to cease to exist, slip beneath the floorboards, descend to purgatory where he would live for the rest of his days.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” Ledjon said, and he truly did sound sorry. Phil didn’t know whether to feel comforted by the fact that Ledjon was aware, or threatened by the fact that Ledjon was aware. He was fucking aware of everything. Phil shook his head and Ledjon apologised once more. “I don’t mean to upset you any further. I know that you’ve been through a lot. But I really just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and that I’m on your side.”

He grabbed a napkin from the center of the table and withdrew a pen from his pocket. He scribbled something on the napkin - probably a phone number - and passed it over to Phil. Their eyes met as Phil took it, even though he was tempted to crumble it up and throw it on the ground in front of Ledjon’s face. He didn’t. Instead, he folded it and put it in his pocket.

“This is for if you need to talk to someone who understands, okay?” Ledjon said quietly. “I’m here for you if you need me.” He looked over to Dan then, his face serious. “I don’t know what your relationship is, but I can tell you care about him a lot. Make sure he gets better, alright? I’m glad he has someone like you to help him through this.”

Phil wasn’t looking at Dan, but he assumed his best friend was nodding and smiling as he said, “Phil’s in good hands.”

They said their goodbyes then, and Phil immediately started to drag Dan out of the coffee shop, leaving their half full coffee cups on the table without a single care. Phil just needed to get out of there. He let go of Dan’s hand the minute they were free, wiping his palm on his jeans because he was quite sweaty and it was nasty.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, easily falling into step beside him.

Phil shrugged his shoulders. “Let’s just get home,” he muttered, and did not say a single word again for the rest of the walk back. He was lost in his mind, not knowing what was going on or what to think. In only a few minutes, his world had been turned upside down, and he was left to realise just how easily Nico had manipulated him with just a few words.

And yet, Phil still couldn’t help but feel guilty for even thinking badly of Nico in the first place.

Chapter Eighteen

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #botanistfics #fanfic #fanfiction #sweet pea #sp #phan chaptered #botanistlester #phan angst #writing #gay #dan and phil

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pond-goblin · 4 years

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Did you know that before Covid 19 you could see live comedy up to 3 nights a week in St. John's?

These days it's less so but Thursday nights at Trappers is still on. I believe there is a night at The Station, and there is the occasional show at The Peter Easton.

That's enough shows for a decent, small, but thriving comedy community. And many of the names you'll recognize - Mike Lynch, Vicky Mullaly, Matt Wright - teethed on these rooms. They perfected their moves.

With that kind of success - these are working comics, touring comics- you'd think that the comedy community is healthy. But, surprise surprise, it's not. Surprise surprise, it's a hot bed of misogyny, a haven of little baby Jordan Petersons all gathered under their hoods of colonial patriarchy (they can access a dictionary, look them up, stop making excuses), feeling sorry for their own loss of powers, and finding, in comedy other men who share their views, who encourage their regressive behaviour with the weakest excuses of one sided rationale.

This is why the behaviour is dangerous. Comedy is work, and in the workplace today you get fired when you tell coworker that their only value in life is to reproduce. You would lose you job for being a known domestic abuser, rapist, racist - remember the dudes on the Lab airplane last year? - this kind of behavior is not put up with anymore. Except in comedy. In comedy this kind of behaviour is called 'jokes'. That only misogynists laugh at. Because, my friends, St. John's does not actually have a comedy scene, it has a men's rights group who pose as stand ups.

It's a scene without proper mentors. People leave here to make it big. If they make it big they don't come back. They come do a tour of the Arts & Culture centers between St. John's and Wabush and then they fuck off back to Halifax or Toronto where they can properly learn their chops and grow their careers. So the local scene doesnt get much tutelage in comedy ettiquette. That larger communities have proper diversity and a white man using the 'n' word (not newfie) is going to cause you to NOT get stage time.

When folks do move back from not making it, it's usually the mediocre comedians, who are bitter as fuck.

They've had these big city comedy experiences, they are quick to tell you how the scene works in the big city. Or the parts that suit their own agenda. 'All patriarchal enforcing rules are sacred, so please, give us your rape jokes'.

If you are someone attending these shows you may have noticed that the ratio of cis white male comedians (and audience 'cause let's be honest - you're not attending these shows - or cult meetings as I like to call them) to, well, anyone else really, is high. You may have been told non cis white men arent interested in comedy. Show runners will say 'tried to get them on but they don't show, they canceled so they arent interested - right now I could launch into how this exists through out all types of work and how it is because the patriarchy -a man centric system of society where gender is binary and the female half of that is to have the babies and do the dishes. About how patriarchy has prevented those not under it's hood from advancing. About the glorification of the quiet, toe lining, mother and wife being the perfect woman. I could launch into how this is less and less tolerated in more and more social structures and workplaces - but you already know all that.

You know that the other folks arent there cause theyre exhausted from just trying to function as a secondary, tretiary human.

But there is another reason why there are less non cis dudes (and remember, racist) doing stand up. They are traumatized. Now, you may be thinking, 'Fuck off. Trauma is for veterans. They experience trauma, abused spouses and children. Telling jokes isn't traumatizing." And you're right. Telling jokes is liberating. It's an adrenaline rush. But the constant belittling of your work is traumatizing. 'You only tell political jokes, audiences can't relate to that', 'that women's humour, it's not for everyone'. If an employer and/or workmates did that they'd be a load of dicks. You could take your boss up on harassment charges.

They are traumatized because they HAVE been sexually assaulted and three nights a week they have to listen to a guy who has been brought up on confinement charges tell 'rape jokes' (when you're the raper it's funny, when you're the rapee, not so much). They are scared they are alone in a room dominated by men who think rape is funny.

And (and possibly an enlightened but) these comedy victims are talking to one another. They know when a rapist is taken on tour, when a domestic abuser is on the line up, when the dude who tells the phobia bits is headlining. They feel unsafe, creeped out, grossed out. They have 'why they aren't a real comedian' splained to them by Shouty MC Smallpants. So they just opt out. They don't take part in open mics - or they do, until the constant nips at their humanity breaks them - and when you don't do the open mics, you don't get the paying gigs (not that they got those anyway. That's another reason why there are so few non cis white men in the scene. Did you know it takes 7 years longer for non cis white men to become professional rather than the 6 shows that cis white men have get under their belts?).

If an audience doesnt see themselves reflected on a stage, an aspiration of themselves, the material is unfamiliar to them, then they arent going to go to the shows.

How do i know this? Go to a comedy show. Look around. How many people aren't dudes? How many members of the audience are the nights performing comedians? How many jokes would you want someone you love to be the punchline of? At their place of work even? And if you don't see anything wrong with the evening's entertainment you are probably ripe for recruitment in the St. John's comedy scene. It's easy, ask a show runner for some time on an open mic and just get up there and punch down! Sure you'll be running your own room by the end of the month!

If you do see something wrong with it, here is how you can help.

-If you are at a show and the performers for the evening are only dudes, complain to the host. Or the establishment (they want your returning dollars).

- If a joke is offensive, racist, marginalizing. Don't clap. Stay silent. Or speak up.

- Support shows with diversity on the line up. Make an extra effort to spend your dollars and your cheers on the folks who get the least time.

- Book marginalized comedians to do your shows, they need all the inclusive stage time they can get so they can grow.

- Call for leadership from senior comedians, producers, show runners. Tell them if they start acting like professionals, you'll treat them like professionals.

- Support local. It's deadly when Cecil and Mike's nan play Holy Heart - especially when comedy labourer Lisa Baker is opening - but the rest of year you can see weekly comedy in St. John's, head out to one and demand the best of the show.

Now. Go Youtube some Leslie Jones, or Desiree Birch, or some Rosie Jones. Find some Lara Rae in the CBC archeives, she is everywhere there, and probably the most hard working, professional comedian in the country. Watch Miriam Margolys clips from the Graham Norton Show. Watch all the Eddie Izzard specials back to back.

There are humans in this city that are that funny. That arr inventive, outrageous, thoughtful, playful, progressive. They need the space and the respect to grow, to crack you up, without a single strangling joke in sight.

Check Facebook for weekly live comedy open mics. Demand equality, and respect.

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aparoxysm · 8 years

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All the questions for Liz, birch you asked for it

THIS IS GONNA TAKE ME 200 YEARS I HATE YOU.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Answered: Her name is Elizabeth Holt, because the first RP I ever used her in was a period RP dated back thousands of years, so I needed something dated and nice, something that REALLY doesn’t fit her character because I wanted to show how much her parents didn’t really know her / connect with her. They would call her Elizabeth at the time and she’d want to vomit haha. Also it had plenty of nick names I could use for other RPs / modern day. Now that it’s 2017 though, I wish I’d chosen a more ethnic last name for her. I grabbed Holt because at the time she was Phoebe Tonkin, and at the time, her and Claire Holt were best friends. It was just easy.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Okay so I went through the list again with more determination this time. The Bully, The Former Teen Rebel, Determinator, Consummate Liar, The Gadfly, Hair-Trigger Temper, Satisfied Street Rat, High School Hustler, Jaded Washout, Little Miss Badass, The Munchausen!!!, Person of Mass Destruction, Rebellious Spirit, Schoolyard Bully All Grown Up.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

Answered: Like. This is hard to answer because in the conventional way, no, she didn’t. But she’s not so scarred by it she’s bitter or hateful of it or anything. In honesty, falling under “The Satisfied Street Rat” trope, she pretty much wouldn’t have it any other way. Her mom had her at like 16/17, and she was a roadie at the time, totally living it up with all things inappropriate for a girl whos not even legal at the time. They had no money, she was born in the back of a car, before she was even able to walk and talk, her mom and her had stayed with random blokes all over the country. For a while, her mom was hooked on oxy, and once she gave that up, she became hooked on boyfriends. Like I give credit to the only reason why Liz is still alive, is because learning to survive was the first lesson she was ever taught through neglect. Her fond memories include always spending Christmas getting drunk with her mother, starting at age fourteen, and travelling to new places all over the country with her, making up funny stories about what each town’s history was. People watching and making fun of those more fortunate, watching crappy late night tv shows and experiencing her firsts with her mom (first period, first shaving experience, first shop lifting gig). The bad memories mostly revolve around her mom picking really gross, really weird men and leaving her alone with them. They were so creepy it pushed her to get out of the house, where tbh, Liz fell into worse situtations.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Answered: I mean, even if her mom has chosen many things over the ultimate care for Liz — (cigarettes, booze, men, drugs) — they still have an unbelievably unbreakable bond. Now that her mom is older, she’s calmed down a bit, and she has a lot more wise moments for Liz. To explain lessons she never had while Liz was growing up and not understanding. Even if her mom drives her crazy and still acts like an eighteen year old sometimes, Liz would still drop everything to help her if the situation called for it. Which it does. Often.As for her dad, she has no idea who or where he is. Has no interest either.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

Answered: Nope.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She’s not studious at all, she often finds it hard to concentrate, and being dyslexic, she kind of just avoided work rather than admitted she had trouble with it. She skipped class a lot really early on, and got sent home from her first day of high school in a new state for being a shit head. School was not her friend. She didn’t like any subjects except I think maybe one because she had a hot teacher probably. She hated all the classes she had to do work in.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?

Yes and no. She had a lot of people she hung out and spent time with, but none of them actually reached wholesome friendship. She didn’t really trust that any of them really cared about her. The first friend she ever made was Tori. And their friendship went beyond mutual hobbies and rebel causes. They became close like family and still are.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

She was never in one place long enough to have a pet. She likes them though. Always jealous of people who had dogs.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Yeah for sure. She actually gets on with animals really well.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Not really, not at all. But then she became a mom so oops? She’s that inappropriate aunt that everyone wants.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

Nope and nope.

12. What is their favourite food?

Mexican food. Spesifically tacos and burritos and tequila. Extra guac.

13. What is their least favourite food?

Anything healthy. And she’s not really a sweet tooth either.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

I mean once she had a very nice dinner at Taco bell where her and Gus got into a physical and were banned for life. She was so mad at him that night that when she saw that he was in her little slice of heavan at the same time she was, she grabbed his food and smashed it in his face. He threw his drink at her. They ended up brawling and getting held for a few hours at the police station. She was so mad. But it also is one of their most defining moments as a couple.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

She’s not a GOOD cook, but she knows how to make a few whatever meals. She’s had to look after herself for a long time so she kind of just figured out how to make stuff work. I’m convinced there’s a lot of things she does wrong though, that someone will find out in her adult life like, “what you do this?” and she just kanye shrugs like “yeah i always have why”

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

Enemies. She collects enemies. Also Taco Bell loyalty cards.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

Oh hell yeah. She takes so many dumb photos on her phone for blackmail / to secretly love later of the people around her. Her gallery is FULL of photos of people she cares about. And selfies but not the cool kind, the dumb kind. Like stuffing tampons up her nose or using her own hair as a moustache kind of selfies. Or “look at this fat asshole gorging on 200 burritos behind me” selfies because shes such a mean shit.

She also has the photo collage that her and Gus started when they moved from sixth. It’s been plastered a lot of different places, and now, probably sits in a box because she’s moved yet again.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Books: none, she hates reading. unless its a trash magazine.Music: rock, 80s hits, super inappropriate rap.Tv Shows: trashy reality tv.Films: crazy stupid love or nothing. dont ask. its a long running joke.Video games; the one kind where you can brutally murder someone and get points for it. (she probably loves wreaking havoc in gta lbh.)

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

Books: anything that is educational or fictional.Music: love songs, country.Tv Shows: ones with really intense plot lines you need to pay attention to 100%.Films: anything that is not crazy stupid love.Video games; ones that involve lots of attention, she gets bored too quickly, also any that she doesnt win at.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

Not really. But then she’s with / has a child to a Broadway, almost gay, sings-for-a-living dude so. Like she puts up with it as much as Liz puts up with anything. Her favourite songs are definitely completely unrelatable random hits too. I mean like, Waka Flocka Flame’s “No hands” is probably her jam. And she can rap it all perfectly for no apparent reason LOL. She gets TURNT. Also probably Black Skinhead.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

HAHAHAHA :’)

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

She’s always been creative with her insults and usually completely from left feild. She hits hard with her insults. She also is down to bitch behind backs.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

HA no. She can’t even remember what she had for dinner the night before.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

She’s all limbs, a kicker, a pusher, a talker and a snorer. She’s a mess when it comes to sleeping, and she also sleeps like a damn log. She often sleeps naked, but if not, then at least in a random tee. And can probably sleep on anything as well.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

When people fall over or hurt themselves, when people think they’re hot shit, when Miles does something dumb, when Gus does something even dumber, when Leo gets hit on by woman and looks like he wants to die, when they get up to drunk shenanigans. I think she’s got an awesome sense of humour personally, she kind of can find the humour in anything. Even the worst of situations. That’s her coping mechanism. Laugh it out so you don’t cry. She and her think she’s fucking hilarious.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions?

She go out of her way to socialize, she goes out of her way to spend time with the people she cares about, she drinks, she punches people’s arms more, she smiles a lot.

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Ugh lots. Her daily life, being the biggest joke. Her ability to lose every job she has. That she can’t really do anything right. But she hides all of this, doesn’t even admit it to her closests. They don’t need to know how she feels like a failure every day.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

That she’s going to fuck her son up. That Gus is going to realize one day that he deserves better and he’ll leave her. Bonus: and he’ll take Miles with him. That Leo will get himself into something she can’t get him out of. That Tori will disappear off the face of the planet one day because of Cas and she’ll have not even a clue of where to find her or how to get her back.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?

On the up front? Make fun of them for it, use it against them, plaster it for the whole world to mock. On the down low? Fight it. Fight that fear and show them that she’s been through hell and back, they can get past this too. She’ll be their backbone if they can’t stand by their own.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

Man, she used to work out so much on Sixth. But I think having Leo with her all the time was an incentive, like that dude is packin! Then she got lazy, she met Gus, she ate lots and had Miles. Now she’s working on dropping the weight she hasn’t been bothered to do anything about for ages.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

Way too much. She’s either wildly fun, feels invincible and completely full of surprises or she’s all that but BAD. She gets aggressive and destructive, abusive and angry. It’s a mess. She often likes to do stuff about things she’s been avoiding thinking about while sober. When drunk; thats when she likes to teach people the lesson she believes they deserve. She ditches other drunk people, she aint got the patience. She’s just like “man see ya never i got burritos to eat”

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

In Sixth, she was a lot more feminine. She wore blouses and heels and pencil skirks becuase of her work. Then once she gave up that job, I imagined her in a lot more yoga pants and tanks because she had no where to be. But now, she’s gone back to how she used to be growing up. She’s a lot more tom boy, sneakers and shorts, ripped denim and holey faded shirts. Gelly band bracelets, hair ties and real 90s stuff.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

None sometimes. Black boyshorts other times.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

She’s tall, and has a very boyish figure. No defined hips and gangly limbs. She used to have tiny boobs but now that she’s had Miles, theyre bigger and shes not real sure what to do about them. But she wears a lot of baggy shirts so who the fuck would notice? She doesn’t really care about her body, it’s a meat sack, it’s never let her down so far.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?

Guilty pleasure: Actually venting about legit things and being listened to. Unguilty pleasure: jamming hardcore to shitty rap music. Physicall fighting people.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

Avoiding the question, keeping important information to herself, running away from her problems, avoiding confrontation, making enemies, causing arguments and fights, being hated immediately. Her hobbies include drinking and spending time with the fam. She can’t sing but she does. Unapologetically.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Not at all. She’s dyslexic and in denial. So she avoids reading lengthy things.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

Compassion and kindness for no reason. She doesn’t get it, and wishes she could be more like that. She wishes she didn’t find a way to fuck things up so easily. She wishes she was good at literally anything that would give her a good career.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging?

None of the above.

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

Definitely all of these things.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Heterosexual.

Things she finds attractive; the ability to keep up with her, or match her sense of humour, people with crude language and behavior, wild spirits, people who arent afraid of being judged, bad boys, people who actually get her.

What she wants in a relationship; chaos, humanity, humor, dick jokes

What she needs in a relationship; stability, trust, resilience

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

a) Be a good mom b) Don’t give up on the people she cares about c) Don’t be her mother

I don’t know if she has anything to sacrifice tbh. Her secret ambition though would be to go to school and get a real job, but I doubt she ever will.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

No, she think its all a pile of shit. She thinks religious people are a laughing stock and can’t wait for them to die and realize there’s no such thing as God or heaven.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most?

Summer. She likes the dry and hot, loves her shorts, love that she tans. She complains a lot about the cold, she hates it.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

An uncultured, uneducated, offensive, insensitive asshole. Which for the most part she is, but what people don’t realize is that she was never really given the opportunity to have a real education or proper nurture. She missed out on a lot of valuable lessons that other people have learned the conventional way, and she learned everything she does know, the hard way. She was lied to and abused and neglected most of her childhood, she grew up thinking that the ugly in the world was normal. So that’s the parts of the world she’s now made up of.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

Usually never. But sometimes, every once and a while, she’ll meet a character that is of the same code. They get on like a house on fire, and it’s always an awesome surprise. Her first impressions always reflect her accurately, yeah. She’s always being dumb or offensive or both.

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

Really inappropriately. She’s the one who steals wedding gifts, or drinks the whole open bar, or causes a scene during speeches, or hooks up with the groom, or gets busted on the dance floor while tripping balls, etc. She’s never been made for corperate or formal events. She thinks dressing up is stupid.

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

Oh yeah. She loves parties a lot for someone who generally hates everyone. But she likes being in the thick of it, meeting new people to argue with or hate on. She likes getting obliterated and doing dumb shit to pass the time. She’s always the one who drags people along haha.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

The photo collage that her and Gus made, that’s been through every move with them. And her pride. Definitely that.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Her ego, some sunglasses that make her look super fly, cash for liquor and a burrito, tampons, mace spray and her keys.

Things she always leaves behind: her dignity.

#ch: liz #oceanicglow

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