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fantasies-fairytales-n-fics · 10 months ago

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Code Blue Ch. 50 - Red Dawn

Summary: A tense car ride is full of twists and turns. Josie gets an upsetting message. Craig softens and he and Jo seem to bond as they share another long talk. A phone call leaves Jo with more questions than answers.

*Chapter Warnings* language, angst, anxiety, drinking,

Chapter characters: Luke, Josie, Craig, Lee

Chapter word count: 7,953

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist:

Salem, Massachusetts

March 22, 2022

The tedious drive back to Salem seemed like an eternity and it was deafly quiet, except for the cat-like purr of Luke's Charger. As soothing as the subtle sound was, it still couldn't calm the seething tension between you and the law abiding bad boy that consistently chewed on his thumb nail, for it was much too close for comfort in the compacted side by side space.

But as the cruising car entered Essex county, your focus then went to the mile long monster that lied up ahead. The Salem Harbor Bay bridge that you had recently drove over with Orlando with no choice, for time had been of the essence to get to Dave and this time, your reaction was not much different as your anxiety began to rise, but at least that time, you were in the driver seat. You had control and had someone with you that you trusted and felt safe with and that got you through it. Now, you were literally bound by your wrists and at the mercy of a man who's personality was all over the place. Hot, cold, gentle, savage. It was mood swing madness and you had been stupid enough to wake the lion.

The no speaking agreement was now over for you as you became desperate. "Can you please go another way?"

Luke's tone was cold and his words were straight to the point. "Nope. Freeway. Nowhere to turn around. This way is faster. The sooner I get you out of my car and my sight, the better."

You supposed you couldn't blame his anger after shoving him like you did. You were angry with yourself too, for look where it had landed you. In cuffs and facing prison time for assaulting a cop. Jesus, how were you going to get out of this one? You hated to admit it but Luke was probably right. Gerry couldn't do anything for you. Not without jeopardizing his job and his morals, but...it didn't mean he wouldn't try and you had to hold out hope for that, for if anyone could find some loophole to free you, it was your ex-fiance. You also knew that his guilt over his drunken one-nighter with your sister would give him the extra incentive, not to mention, he still loved you and now you were the one who felt guilty for even thinking of using that against him. BUT, you had the same issue you recently had with Dave. Gerry was M.I.A. and now with that added onto the Brobdingnagian bridge rapidly approaching, your nerves might just send you into a code blue.

Seconds before the wheels thumped over the divide from stable ground to an abyss of lung filling liquid, Luke couldn't help but notice your fear through his random side eyed glances at you as your body stiffened up, your breathing ceased and your eyes clenched shut. He pretended not to notice as he stared straight ahead and tried not to care but deep below the hardened shell of a man, the Grinch's small heart grew 3 sizes that day.

"What's going on Jo?"

"Just shut up and drive. Faster would be great." you muttered, eyes still closed.

"Can't. There's a truck in front of me and I can't pass. Double lines."

Your left eye peeked at Luke. "Oh my god mister holier than thou. Trying to make up for the shitty things you've done by being a model citizen now? What happened to the skillful driver who perfectly whipped my Monte Carlo around every turn in town like he was Luke Duke in the General Lee trying to outrun Rosco P. Coltrane?'

"But Bo always drove the majority of the time."

"Yeah I know that! I just thought it was more fitting to say Luke since that's your name and your hair is dark like his."

"True I suppose. I didn't care for Bo anyways. I don't like blonde hair."

There was silence as both of your eyes were now open and glaring at him as he stared straight ahead with that curled smug smirk of his.

You then raised a smart ass brow. "So that's why you cuffed and stuffed me."

Luke's eyes swung right over to yours and now you were giving the smug smirk.

"I cuffed you because that blonde hair of yours caused you to do something extremely stupid. Now, I thought we weren't talking?"

Your lips pursed and your eyes slitted. "We're NOT! So just hurry up and get us over this bridge already."

"We've been over it for the past 30 seconds."

"What?"

You straightened up in your seat and looked around to see that you were now on a rural road surrounded by forestry.

"Hmmph." you marveled as you burrowed back into your heated leather seat. "Guess I was distracted."

Luke grinned as he glanced at you. "Exactly. It usually does the trick."

"Wait, so...you only engaged in conversation with me to distract me from my fear??"

"Yep and it worked like a charm. Guess I' m not such a bad guy after all."

"Says you."

His eyes snapped to you as he grimaced. "Why do you hate me so much?"

"Is that supposed to be a rhetorical question??? Can you please just STOP talking now??"

"Whatever." he mumbled and sped up.

Not even a minute passed and Luke was speaking again. "So...you're afraid of bridges huh? Why's that?"

Rolling your eyes, you sighed and continued to gaze out the window as you reluctantly replied.

"I'm not afraid of bridges. I'm afraid of heights. There's a difference."

"So, more so, you're afraid of falling really."

"Well duhhhh...and falling into what lies beneath it. All the weight of that water, just pulling me down further and further into it's ice cold depths where there's nothing but darkness and it fills my lungs as my panic forces me to suck it in, trying to breathe."

"Or...you could always swim."

Your eyes lowered as you became quiet and began fidgeting with your fingers.

As Luke looked at you, awaiting your usual mordant riposte, he quickly realized why you hadn't.

"You...you can't swim?"

"Does this even matter? Why can't you just leave me alone and quietly revel in my misery? I got my just deserves. But hey, if you do happen to find a heartbeat under that cold and austere armor, could you not mention this to my mother for the time being? This is the last thing she needs right now."

You wriggled your hips in the skintight seatbelt so you could turn towards the window to hide the oncoming tears of shame and once Luke couldn't see you, they poured out of your eyes like a waterfall. What you didn't consider was that he could see your emotional reflection in the glass as you silently sobbed.

5 minutes of faint intermittent whimpers and sniffles were unwillingly heard loud and clear by Luke. As he came to a stop at a red light, he looked over at you and that's when his own anxiety got the better of him.

Seeing you all vulnerable and huddled against the door like a child sent a stinging twinge of empathy through his heart and made him question if what he was doing was right, even if you did break the law, for he had goaded you and not only that, your anger was justified about Lee. He wasn't going to tell you that though or the fact that he spent many nights weeping and beating himself up over what happened between him and his once upon a time good friend. It was extremely hard for him to speak about just as it was for Lee, for Luke knew it was all of his own fault by intentionally knocking over the first domino, he just never knew the chain of events would lead up to what it did. What he did know is that someday, you would know the ugly truth.

As Luke neared the road that led straight into downtown Salem, the guilt trip he was on forced him to abruptly stop and turn around.

As he pulled to the side of the road and parked, you were already sitting straight up with wet and wildly confused eyes.

"What are you doing? The police station is the other way?"

"I'm not going there. Give me your hands."

"What??"

"Jo, just give me your hands before I change my mind."

As you slowly and unsurely swayed your hands in his direction, he grabbed them, startling you as he vigorously unlocked the cuffs, then yanked your seatbelt off.

"There. Go on. Get out of here."

You sat speechless for a moment, staring at him as he stared out of his window, chewing his thumb nail once again.

"You...you're letting me go...just like that??"

"Did I not just take the cuffs off and tell you to go?"

"Ok but...here? You want me to walk? It's at least another mile to get back to my apartment."

"Can't you just thank me and get out?"

"Why won't you look at me and WHY are you doing this?"

"God damn it." he grumbled and side eyed you. "Why are you such a pain in the ass??!! Just fucking go!"

"Not until you tell me why you changed your mind and are freeing me into the wild like some caged bird??!!"

His palms slapped over his face and then he roughly dragged them down as he groaned in frustration.

"If I tell you, will you fly away???"

"Depends on what the answer is."

"Holy fucking hel..." he began as his fuming eyes met yours, but abruptly paused when he saw the remnants of your tears, then popped the glove box open, ripped a tissue out and held it in front of you as he continued, refusing to look at you once again.

"It's what you said about your mum. You're right. She don't need this. I spoke with her briefly last night and she was quite distraught about Megan so, I just feel with all her grief over one daughter, she don't need the added stress from another."

"So you're telling me you're doing this for my mom??"

"You sound like that's incredibly hard to believe."

"I don't know what to believe from you anymore Luke. One minute, you're this sweet and caring man that seems to have a heart, like the one who once came to my mom's house and comforted me through an anxiety attack and even defended me against my sister and stopped me from strangling her, WHICH ironically I was doing for you with Landy only 24 hours prior when you morphed into robot Arnie the freaking terminator...and the next minute, you're back to being human again, helping me back there on the bridge and now you're claiming to let me go out of sympathy for my mom."

You sat back in a huff, realizing that Lee was behaving the exact same way and you were at a crossroads, literally, on what to do anymore about either of these messed up men.

Luke sighed and softened up a bit. "Look Jo. I don't know what else to say. I pushed you over the edge, waving a red flag at you. If I hadn't done that, I don't think we would be sitting here right now."

And so you softened up a bit too. "Yeah well, I pretty much came at you sideways and got you all riled up."

Luke chuckled and shook his head, then looked right at you with a disbelieving smile.

"What?" you asked, returning a half smile as your eyes curiously tried to figure him out.

"You. You're so afraid of all these things that are bigger than you and here I am, at least 3 times your size, yet you weren't afraid to shove me on my ass. I'm not sure what shocks me more. The fact that you did it or the fact that you were even able to do it. I admire that fire in you Jo. Don't ever let anyone try to put it out. With that said though, use that fire on those other than authority. If it were anyone other than myself or Gerry, you'd be at the station right now being booked as we speak."

You gasped. "Oh god, speaking of, I better call Dave and tell him because I guarantee he's already on his way to bail me out and you'll be busted. I mean, it's the least I can do so you don't lose your job over me."

Luke sat quietly stunned as you made the call, telling Dave to turn around and asking him to keep what he knew under wraps.

"There. He won't say anything. I really hope you are going to lay off of him now."

"As long as these ferry tickets he gave me and the ferryman's words all coincide, he should be good. Thank you Jo and... for the record, I wouldn't have just left you out here. I would have let you sweat for about 5 minutes and then came back." Luke teased with the usual curled grin, then put the car in drive.

Your riposte came out of left field and definitely struck a nerve. "Thanks for sparing me from being another victim of love em and leave em Luke."

Luke gritted his teeth, appalled by knowing that either Orlando or Lee had told you about his notorious moniker of his younger days that he had long forgotten about and wanted to keep it that way.

"This joy ride is over. It's time for you to go home and...about Lee. Just stop asking me. It's his story to tell. Put your seatbelt on."

"It's not just his story when you're involved."

"Wasting...your...breath." he firmly certified and slid a cd in, hoping to shut you up.

You buckled your belt then crossed your arms and scoffed as you sank back into the seat. When a song came on, Luke cranked it up and began mumbling the words as he tapped his fingers upon the wheel and both the singing and the choice of music had your eyes gaping at him with an severely raised brow.

"There'll be no strings to bind your hands..." he began and then snickered as he glanced at you. "How fitting eh?"

"Seriously? You have a Juice Newton cd? Why am I not all that surprised."

"You're mocking me when you clearly know who she is?"

"Nope. Not at all. It's just that the night you drove my car, your choice of music was quite different and frankly much better."

"Oh, you mean Radar Love. Yeah well it was fitting for the occasion just like this one because now here we are with you, a cheery oh angel of the morning." he razzed and then beamed a snarky smile full of teeth.

Shaking your head, you heavily sighed and looked away, trying to ignore the overgrown infant beside you, but that quickly became impossible when he began crooning out the chorus, which you knew was solely just to annoy you.

"JUST CALL ME ANGEL OF THE MORNING BABY! JUST TOUCH MY CHEEK BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME BABY! Then slowly turn away...from meeeee."

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"Whad'ya think? Next American Idol winner?" he gloated and howled on with his karaoke session, which if you were to be honest, Luke had a damn good set of pipes but you wouldn't dare tell him that because then he would certainly never shut up.

"Goblin king, take this baby away from me!" you irrationally jeered, then flung your head back against the seat and closed your eyes to try and zone him out, hoping he would take the hint to leave you alone, but you should have known better than that.

Luke's speedy riposte was a breath stealing punch to the gut and you had pretty much had set yourself up for it.

"Oooo ouch. That's rich coming from you. You know Jo, you should really be careful what you wish for since children seem to go missing when you're around."

Just as your eyes snapped open from the sting of his tongue, Luke was pulling up in front of your apartment and low and behold, Craig was outside speaking with what appeared to be a gardener.

"What a coinkydink. Daddy dearest in the flesh. So, does he know that Blaise was right within his reach that night and you knew and didn't...."

"He knows alright! I..I told him yesterday and now, I guess I'll be moving back in with my mom."

"Oh? Why not move in with Lee? You're basically at his place and up his arse all the time anyways aren't you?"

"Now you're the one wasting their breath. We're done here Luke. And if I were you, I'd get out of here before Craig sees you. Besides me, you're not exactly his favorite person."

"Not worried in the least."

As you opened the door, Luke touched your shoulder. "Hey Jo."

"What now??"

"Just be careful around him ok? You're probably better off to get away from him."

"And that's rich coming from YOU." you argued and got out.

Before you could close the door, Luke had more to say.

"Oh and Jo."

"Oh my god, what Luke??"

"Don't let the door hit you in that cute ass."

You shot a death glare at the derogative detective, then slammed the door and heard the blacked out window roll down.

With an arrogant wink, Luke put on a pair of mirrored sunglasses and attempted his best terminator voice. "I'll be bock."

Your eyes rolled so hard, it made you dizzy. "Ughhhh!"

As you stormed off, he revved the engine and sped off which then alerted Craig to your arrival. The last thing you wanted was another confrontation, especially with your rightfully pissed and soon to be ex-landlord, so you kept your head down and moved quickly, feeling his eyes upon you the entire time as you trekked up the sidewalk and into the building, but he never said a word.

You were now safe inside your apartment, all alone to finally gather and process all of your scattered thoughts, but first, you needed to call your mom and see how Megan was.

Slipping off your coat, you let it fall to the floor and went straight to the fridge for some wine, not caring that it was only 10 in the morning, the same time Craig had been drinking yesterday that you hypocritically gave him a lecture about. As you sat down on your bed with your full glass and turned your phone screen on, there was a text from Lee.

When you opened it and read his woeful words, your heart dropped down to your stomach as if you were falling.

Lee always expressed himself with such endearing words from his heart, but sometimes, he let poetry and music speak for him and this time, it was lyrics from a song you knew.

"I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met. I don't know what I'm supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you. Take me back to the night we met when the night was full of terrors and your eyes were filled with tears. When you had not touched me yet. Take me back to the night we met and then I can tell myself what the hell I'm supposed to do. And then I can tell myself not to ride along with you."

Your heart began to pound, for Lee was basically telling you he wished he could go back to that day in the hospital and never visit your room and that meant you never would have found his bracelet under your bed and took it to his house where your love story all began. You knew he wasn't trying to hurt you. He was just being honest about how he was feeling, but it still hurt. It hurt immensely.

You didn't reply. You didn't even know what to say to that, so you just picked up your wine and let the entire contents of the glass roll down your throat as you fought back the burning tears.

Desperately trying to distract yourself, you called your mom. She told you Megan was doing well but was still too groggy to speak. She also told you that she saw Lee that morning when she came down for coffee. He was on the phone with someone, seemingly upset, so she respectfully kept her distance but she couldn't help overhearing his scolding tone to the unlucky recipient. He spoke about his father's one month of passing and that he was going to his grave to pay his respects after attending the evening mass and told the other person that they should be going too, then Lee abruptly hung up and stormed out. You knew instantly it had to be Gordon and had something to do with the farm dispute between the two bitter brothers.

You told your mom you would be there later to sit with Megan so she could go home, eat and shower. When you hung up, you then nervously wondered if you should still go to the cemetery too, like you and Lee had planned, for if you saw him, you might not be able to walk away again.

Undecided, you got up to begin packing up some things since Craig had given you till the end of the month to move out and that was now only 7 days away. Luke's words haunted you about moving in with Lee as you sorted through your clothes. Yes, you were there all the time and everything was perfect in that area. You were so happy there with him. You would have been happy anywhere with him because Lee was home to you.

Your distraction tactic of keeping busy was failing miserably and it was quickly blown to bits when you were going through clothes you hadn't laundered yet and found a shirt of Lee's that you wore home a few mornings ago. And if that wasn't gut wrenching enough, it was still saturated in his Drakkar cologne and all you could do was scrunch it up against your nose and inhale his intoxicating essence as you laid down and cried your exhausted eyes to sleep.

Meanwhile, Craig was on his way up to your apartment to give you back your deposit and as he approached your door, he raised his hand to knock, but humbly lowered it when he could hear your muffled laments from within. Whatever you were going through, he felt that he should not add to it and it aggravated him that he even cared. Was any of it due to how he had treated you?, for he just witnessed you had rushed to avoid him at all costs or was it because of the depraved detective he had come to despise?, solely because he was Ethan's brother. Craig's street smarts told him Luke was still a red flag, no matter what surname he took on to disassociate himself with the flyblown Bloom blood and if Luke became a threat to you as Ethan had, he would handle him too. Regardless of what was ailing you, Craig decided to leave you alone for the time being and slipped the check under the door, then left, feeling rather disheartened over making you leave.

3 hours later.

You awoke in the same position that you fell asleep in, still tightly clutching Lee's shirt against you and now, not only did his sweet succulent scent seep from your pores, it was also imbedded in your purple satin sheets. You had to get rid of it. ASAP.

The bed was torn apart as you ripped the sheets from it and threw them in the basket along with the perpetrator, Lee's guilty shirt and then headed to the door to take them all down to the laundry room which is when you discovered the check laying on the floor.

Upon picking it up, the amount floored you, for it was hundreds more than what you had given Craig and attached on the back was a sticky note, scribbled in red ink with incredibly perfect penmanship for a man.

Craig certainly seemed to be on the wealthy side but this was too much and was clearly not about your clothes. It was his guilt over kicking you out and you weren't about to accept a payoff apology, especially when he didn't even have anything to be sorry about. You were the reason his 4 year old daughter was missing, even when you weren't the one who snatched her.

Exasperated over that and everything else, you hurried downstairs and packed the washer full of clothes along with an undetermined amount of soap while sobbing the entire time, then went back up to cry some more in the shower, a shower that was cut short by a burst of water as cold as the Atlantic and rust as red as blood....just like what happened to Dave. AND...you had the same reaction as he did.

Gasping and frantically rubbing your eyes, you huddled in the corner waiting for your sight and the water to clear. What was happening?? You did not believe that to be a coincidence all in a matter of 8 hours at two far away different locations, especially when that had never happened in your shower before. Was it some kind of sign, more so an omen or was it merely a plumbing issue like Dave believed his was?

Now that you were all primed and primped for the day, you resumed your packing while debating on calling Craig about his demonic shower needing an exorcist and to come get his money, or...you could just simply shove it back under his door with your own note attached so you didn't have to interact with him. Option 2 seemed best.

You scrawled out a note on the back of his and reattached it to the check, then quietly creeped down the hall to his studio where all was silent inside. Hoping he wasn't in there, you bent down and slipped it under the door, cringing at loud the sound was. Just as you stood up to tiptoe off undetected, footsteps swiftly approached the door.

Spinning around with a gasp, you rushed off only to freeze solid at his shout from directly within the door.

"Just Josie. Come on in!"

With a gulp, you hesitated then slowly made your way back to the door and walked in. There he stood, dressed in all black attire as usual and wickedly grinning while holding your check.

He then turned it over and began reading your note out loud in a trenchant, yet amused tone.

"Thank you but no thank you. My outfit only cost twenty bucks at a thrift shop."

"Well, if that's so." he continued, "then you obviously like deals and that's what this is. A hell of a bargain actually."

"Craig, the added amount is almost as much as one months rent. All you needed to give me was my deposit."

"I was trying to apologize for my wine induced behavior and the harsh things I said to you and a simple "I'm sorry" just didn't seem to cut it."

"You don't owe me an apology Craig. I deserved all of it and the paint bath too."

"You were only trying to help my drunk ass up and even after the first failed attempt that ruined your clothing, you still tried again. And no, you didn't deserve my spontaneous misguided anger. You didn't kidnap my child and you certainly couldn't have known that it was going to happen."

"How could I have not?? I witnesses Elizabeth drop her off at Angel's in a panic over Ethan harassing her about paternity. I should have tried a hell of a lot harder to reach you, end of story... and for that, I will forever be so damn sorry, but as you said, those words just don't seem to cut it. I..I pray that you find Blaise safe, sound and soon. I really do and I will do whatever I can to help make that happen and make things right for you and her. Now, I have to go finish packing. Your apology is accepted and please just keep the money."

"Alright." Craig agreed with astonished disappointment all over his face as he watched you walk out.

His agreement was short lived though and he chased after you, squeezing in your door just before you turned to close it.

"Craig, what the..."

"Just hear me out. Please?"

"Do I even have a choice since you barged right in?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Ok fine, but whatever you have to say, you'll have to say it while watching me pack. I have a lot to do today."

"Fair enough. I guess I'll start with Jason. Are we even now?"

"Even?? Craig, I swear I didn't use Blaise to get back at you for..."

"No no no. Jo, I know you didn't and I'm sorry I ever said that. What I meant was, well...if I forgive you, can you forgive me for not telling you your brother was alive? I mean, you were pretty rabid mad that day. Just a little bit scary." he teased with a smile.

You chuckled as you thought of what you just did to Luke. "Yeah umm...I guess I too had spontaneous misguided anger. It was meant for Jason, not you. I know you were just trying to keep him safe and you did. You saved his life, so how can I not forgive you?"

"Sweet. So we're square now. Well, except for one thing."

Craig walked over to your suitcase and began tearing your clothes out of it.

"What are you doing??"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm unpacking your clothes."

"What...wait...why?? Put those back!"

"I will not. I don't want you to leave. I kinda like you a little bit if I'm honest AND I think you kinda like it here and maybe even me too and..."

He held up a long blue dress and placed it against his brawny body. "And oooh wow. Smokin hot."

"Give me that!" you barked and grabbed it, but Craig laughed and wouldn't let go.

"Nope. Not until you agree to stay." he demanded as you both were now playing tug of war...until the dress split right down the middle.

"Oh, well THAT'S great. It's all yours!" you huffed and plopped down on the edge of the bed.

Craig sat down too and slowly handed you the ripped remnants.

"Sorry." he whispered.

You couldn't even be mad, especially when he had the shameful expression of dog who got busted for chewing up a pair of shoes. Instead, you did what you were becoming a pro at lately. Broke down crying with your face buried in your hands.

"Whoaaa, hey now sweetheart. What's this??"

"Everything!" you squeaked and then rambled on. "My sister was hurt really bad and is in the hospital. She could have, would have died if she hadn't been found and I know Ethan did it, and I was almost arrested today for what you described as my rabid madness and Jason took off with Britt because of your creepy ass father and Lee, he is...I don't even know anymore with that and then everyone's showers are spraying blood and..."

"Alright slowwww down and breathe love. Let's start with the psycho scene. Showers are spraying blood??"

"Yes, mine and Dave's. Well, he said it was rust but with all this ghost shit, I don't know what to think."

"Ghosts??"

"Long story. Is your shower doing that?"

"No...and what did you do to almost land yourself behind bars?"

You mumbled your answer in shame. "I...assaulted a cop."

Craig's eyes popped wide open as he released a titter out of is grinning lips. "Oh how I would have loved to have had a front row seat to that event. What a little baddy you are. Remind me to never piss you off."

"Not funny." you sniffled.

"Ok, maybe not then, but you're obviously not in jail. So, how'd you get out of that mess? Oh wait, was it your ex-fiance cop?"

"Let's just skip this part ok? I shouldn't have mentioned it."

Considering Craig saw Luke drop you off and how fired up you both seemed, he knew it was him you spoke of, but per your request, he would drop it and the overwhelming desire to take the little piggy to market...for now.

"Yeah cops aren't exactly my favorite subject either. Ok so...what's going on with your sister? Ethan attacked her?"

"It certainly appears that way but she hasn't been alert enough to finger him. I'm going to the hospital later to see if she's talking, but I just know it was him. I think he did it because she told Luke that she thinks Ethan took Blaise because he thinks he is her father or maybe he did it to scare me because he hates me and wants Lee all to himself."

"That measly inbred maggot. I should have just taken care of that problem when..."

Craig stopped himself but, it was too late.

"When? Does that have something to do with what you said yesterday? About something you did for me involving him??"

Craig seemed stunned and he was. "I...said that??"

"Yes..I...I just forgot with all that was going on. Craig, what did you mean?"

"Jo, I was quite sauced yesterday remember? I tend to say a lot of things when I drink. What...exactly...did I say?" he probed with an curious brow so he could figure out if he had to tell you what he knew about Ethan and Lee.

"You said you protected me from him but never said why or how."

Craig made sure that his explanation wasn't a lie, it just wasn't the entire truth because he felt you didn't need to know Lee was still Ethan's husband during a meltdown.

"Ohhh...that. Yes, well...I...I saw him once and I basically told him to stay away from you or he'd be fish food." he paraphrased as his heart began to beat again.

"You did that for me?"

Craig suddenly felt awkward. Not in a bad way, but more in a "too close for comfort" kind of way, so he gave a logical answer instead of admitting he had taken a sweet fancy to you, which was the last thing he wanted. He had vowed to himself after Elizabeth's destruction that he would never allow himself to become close to another woman ever again.

"Well...you're my best friend's little sister, so, you know. What's important to Jason is important to me."

"Well thank you and well... I wish you HAD fed Ethan to a mosh pit of sharks, still ALIVE and baited in a pool of his own blood and then let me watch so I could hear his screeching screams and the satisfying crunch of his bones as the angry aquatic vampires with a thousand razor sharp teeth chomped him to death in a splashing feeding frenzy of pure diabolical rage."

"Yeeesh. Easy there Annie Wilkes. Tell me how you really feel, minus the Stephen King synopsis. Horrifying image."

"Arrrgh. Jason was supposed to have taken care of him by now and for saying that, I feel like such a fucking hypocrite for giving him and Lee such a hard time about Liz when she was no better than Ethan."

"And I married the black widow. Even had a kid with her, or so I thought. Creator of life, destroyer of mine. "

'"So did Lee basically. She fooled everyone, EVEN Ethan. God Craig, how could she do that to her own son??? That little boy was my nephew and now Ethan has your daughter and I know he's not just going to forget about Lee. So much keeps happening. No wonder I ended up in the hospital."

"I...I heard about that and...I wanted to maybe send you some flowers or come visit but...I..I didn't think my presence would have been appropriate, you know, just being your landlord and all and well...there's the little tidbit of my primary profession as well that I'm sure Lee isn't too fond of. Anywhoooo...I'm really glad you're ok. You're...ok..right?"

"For the most part yeah. Just gotta keep my iron intake up and stress levels down, which you can see is damn near impossible with the life I'm stuck in."

"You're only stuck if you choose to be."

"It doesn't feel like a choice anymore, even when I try to...ugh, it doesn't even matter."

Craig's ocean-like eyes were consoling as his hand went to your cheek. "Hey, it does matter. What else is bothering you? I have really good listening ears like that of a faithful family dog, only much less hair and a strong but soft shoulder to lean on and even comforting arms if you recall."

"I don't know. Like, for one thing, I'm supposed to hate my sister after all the horrible shit she's done to me and yet, I'm having a hard time hating her after what happened. Like, why...why do I care about people that don't deserve it???"

"Because you have a good heart which can sometimes be a curse really. You're supposed to be able to trust the people closest to you and when they go and give you a reason not to, it's a total mind fuck. It's hard to let them go even when you know it's what's best for you. I get it Jo."

"What I don't get is why I'm not good enough for the truth. I'm always being lied to. It's become nothing but a pattern and how am I supposed to trust someone when I don't know what they're holding back?"

"Ok first of all, you are good enough and if someone doesn't see that, then they are the ones not good enough and second of all, why do I feel this is not about your sister?"

"I appreciate what you're trying to do Craig, but...it doesn't matter."

"It does matter because you're clearly not happy. Tears don't lie. Are...you happy?"

Your eyes fell. "No. No I'm not. I'm miserable."

"Me too. Why don't you stay. We can be miserable neighbors together and drink wine every day and night to the point of inebriation, creating terrible art as a hobby while being covered in a rainbow of paint. You know, kind of like I already do? It's actually kinda fun and therapeutic. A little bit of good trouble..per se. I could use some inspiration as you well know."

You giggled. "Right...because we would actually be the artwork. How inspiring."

"Exactly! Except you'd be a firework. Oh, and you still owe me a viewing of your own masterpieces. So...whad'ya say?"

Craig got down on one knee and took your hand as he gave you a pathetic puppy face.

"Will you be my neighbor?"

"Oh my god you're such a nerd. Get up." you chortled and stood up.

"Well, I've been called much worse. Things I cannot even pronounce. You don't want to know, trust me. Sooooo, is that a yes?"

"I'll think about it."

"YES!" he jeered like an old lady at a bingo game winning the jackpot.

"So now, I'm really sorry but I need to get going. Thank you Craig...for listening and for the advice. It was nice. I want you to know I'm thinking of Blaise everyday and if I can help, I will. You'll never convince me that it wasn't my fault."

In the blink of an eye, Craig became all serious as he placed his hands on your arms. "Alright but, before I go, I need you to listen to me. Don't be letting your guilt cause you to do something dangerous. You let me handle this ok?? I don't want anything happening to you. Let me know what you decide on the apartment and...I'm really glad you're ok Jo and I...I hope you will stay. I like having you around."

He softly smiled and headed to the door, then turned back around.

"Oh and...I'm also glad you don't hate me."

"Ditto." you smiled. "Talk soon."

Craig left and you felt terrible for him. The formidable mafia man, always full of quirky humor wasn't so tough on the inside and was clearly lonely, but even so, you had to do what was best for you and if you stayed, would it really be a good idea? Had you known when you first moved in that Craig was one of Sonny's men and Jason's bff, you most likely would have ran away as fast and as far as you could. On the other hand, he could protect you and he wanted to and you felt safe around him. BUT, that didn't mean you would be. Things could always go wrong, especially in his world, which was now your world. Although, hadn't it always been your world because of Jason? And things always went wrong then, no matter where you were. Even your own brother couldn't keep you safe.

In your confliction, you knew you may still need to leave on a temporary basis because of your sister. No one knew yet what happened to her or where Ethan was, so she could still be in danger and that put your mom in danger as well with Megan living with her.

As you carried on with packing the rest of the one suitcase for the time being, once again you were interrupted. This time by the cordless phone ringing that Lee had talked you into getting for extra ways of communication. You decided to let the answering machine get it because you were in a hurry to get to the hospital, but when Lee's hypnotizing voice was heard, you stood frozen in time.

"Hey sweet girl. I tried your cell but...I don't know, it must be on silent or maybe you just don't want to talk to me. I wish you would. I'm sorry about my text. I didn't mean it in the way you must think. If you're there, could you please pick up? I'd really love to hear your voice."

He paused and waited a few moments, then continued.

"Ok, well, I...I'll just say what I need to say and leave you alone. Jo, I know I've said this so many times and it just sounds so meaningless, but I mean it, with every ounce of my being. I'm so sorry baby. For all of this. For all I have put you through. It's only been a single day and I miss you in ways that there are no words for. You are a mental and physical ache. A longing woven deep into my DNA and I...I don't know how to live like this. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm nothing without you. I'm inside out. I merely exist in this soulless shell and because I know you exist, there's no going back for me. There will never be anyone else for me but you. No one else could ever do. The heart wants what it wants and mine wants you and I knew it. I knew you were the right one from the get go and I still know it because the word "forever" does not sound like enough time."

As your heart was being torn in two and devoured by his agony, you walked over to the phone and picked it up, letting your finger hover over the call button, but you couldn't bring yourself to answer, so you just kept listening to his unintentional torture.

"I know I have no one else to blame but myself. I know I'm broken. We were both broken. By life. By others. By our own serious dysfunctions, but we finally found each other after a decade of near misses. We were so close to each other all that time, yet so far apart and when destiny finally stepped in and we finally came together like the sun and moon during a total eclipse, all of the jagged edges of our broken pieces fit together like a puzzle, as if all that time, we were being broken for that purpose, to be a perfect fit for each other. But now I feel like I don't fit anywhere at all. Not anymore. Life goes on around me as i sit here and watch the boats sail by on the bay and I feel like I'm just a spectator, watching from the sidelines. You were...are my life. You are where I belong. You are my purpose, my reason. God Jo. Without you, all I want to do is drown my sorrows away and Lord knows I've tried, but even then, a sea full of whiskey couldn't intoxicate me as much as a drop of you. Because of you, I believe in love and fairytales and soulmates and everything that is magic. I followed the signs because you showed them to me. Just tell me it's not too late. Don't give up on me. I want to tell you everything and if I can bring myself to do that, maybe then you'll understand. I guess I've wrote a novel here and I should go. I still wish you would come today...to the cemetery. I'll be there around 4. If you don't come, it's ok. I will understand. Ok well..."

There was a pause and then he finished as his voice became very shaky. "I...I love you Miss Massachusetts. God I love you."

Lee quickly hung up and sat down. He had too. The 3 Red Bulls he downed earlier paired with the threat of an oncoming panic attack had him jittery, weak and breathless.

"Lee wait!" you shouted as you punched the red button, but there was nothing but a dial tone.

Should you call him back? It would be so much easier than speaking to him in person because he had this wicked way of breaking you down and getting what he wanted from you that no one else had ever possessed, but of course he could say the same thing about you. Now the real question was, should you go? Lee clearly needed you and you were worried about him. You could hear it in his voice, the fear, the destitution and desperation...the love. And just because you and he were having problems didn't mean you would abandon him, but were you strong enough to uphold your boundaries in his presence? The mere sight of him was like some invisible magic in itself. You felt so guilty because he was fighting like hell for you and you were keeping him at arms length and just running away. Fight or flight? That was the all out question now and you knew exactly who to go to for the answers. Someone who had been through it all. Your mother.

@redeemer46

youtube

#lee pace #lee pace fanfiction #code blue #jolee #love stories #dark stories #dark fiction #luke evans #craig parker #Youtube

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bakedbakermom · 2 years ago

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Hey teacher if you actually think taking a socially isolated six year old, sitting her down with the class, and then letting them talk about ALL THE THINGS THEY DON'T LIKE ABOUT HER is an acceptable way to treat a child then we do not have a different approach when it comes to child development, we have a different approach when it comes to being a human fucking being.

I Do Not Care what class rules she struggles with, that is abuse.

Hearing my daughter cry for the last few days as she recounts what she's feeling in that classroom... I can't explain what that feels like. When she was born, and I held her for the first time, I was Changed. I've tried to explain it so many times and the best I've got is. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. When his heart grew three sizes and it broke the little box? I felt that. I felt my heart growing inside me as a physical sensation so strong it was almost painful. It's beyond words.

The pain I feel for her now is beyond words in the same way. I am physically sick for her. She has been pouring her heart out to me. The phrases she uses:

I just curled up in a ball at my seat and was crying. Teacher may was well have written "Talk about Stupid (name)" on the whiteboard.

I'm worried I'll never be able to be happy at school again, and then maybe I'll never be able to be happy at all ever again.

Imagine if someone took a tiny baby, and they just put it in the trashcan. Teacher does that to me over and over.

Teacher only talks to me when I'm doing something wrong, I'm scared to go talk to her when I need something.

I'm a good kid! I know I am! Why can't Teacher see the angel in me?

I'm always crying at school and I hate it because they all think I'm a baby.

Teacher is always frowning at me. I hate my whole life right now, except my parents.

And she was singing the "I Wish I Wasn't Different" song from the Movies episode of Bluey. And she's got a fucking stress rash on her hand because she can't stop picking at herself.

SHE'S SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD.

I am astounded by the depth of her pain and I'm only feeling the echo of it in that piece of my heart she made.

This woman made my child feel that. To say I am incandescent with rage is barely scratching the surface.

I kept her out of school today (and gave her the best self-care a 6yo could ask for*) and feel massively guilty I haven't taken more action much sooner. She WILL NOT be made to feel this way one more goddamn minute. Tomorrow we talk to the principal and we will make them make this right.

* Last night she was telling me it felt like her heart used to be all pink and happy and now it's blue and has a frowny face and tears falling down, and then it broke in half and now this half is all the way down in my KNEE (I am raising a delightfully dramatic child).

So today, we had a Fix Daughter's Heart Day. I let her download a few cute but dumb apps on her tablet and she got to play them in her jammies during breakfast - that alone broke 3 boring routines that she finds tedious. We went to Build A Bear. Frankly, we went a little nuts at Build A Bear. We got junky mall food for lunch. We went to the little candy store that has "disappointing gummy BEARS but the best gummy WORMS in the whole world."

We stopped at the grocery store and got a little bit of junk food, a stuffed toy from the impulse aisle, she picked out a card for her dad for valentine's day, and we chose the stuff to make her favorite dinner, which is also the one she likes to help with - she pushes the switch on the Cuisinart to shred the cheese, it's adorable and slightly terrifying and she is drunk with power, giggling the entire time. She got downtime to craft and color and read while I cooked and helped her with words.

And the whole time, we talked. That was the best part. She talked to me, and I talked with her, good stuff and bad stuff and silly stuff and sweet stuff, and I swear we really Saw each other today.

I checked in with her about the color of her heart a bunch of times throughout the day. (Her answers were incredibly specific, btw.) Tonight at bedtime she said it was all the way pink again, and it was shaped like a cat and it was purring and making biscuits.

I am trying my ass off to be the mom I wish I'd had, the mom she deserves, the mom who protects her and uplifts her and cheers her on and comforts her and teaches her. This shit is HARD. This shit is WORTH IT, but this shit is hard.

#i always thought that whole mama bear thing was a stupid white lady trend #i guess i get it now #liwl.txt #also you need to watch Bluey it's such a genuinely sweet and loving show #wow i really just had a flashback to livejournal holy shit #thanks for reading #hi yes blogging is my therapy now

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theyanderespecialist · 2 years ago

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Base Yandere The Grinch: He Is A Obsessed One, Mr. Grinch (The Grinch 2018) (Headcanons)

#yandere #yanderethegrinch #thegrinch #thegrinchxreader #reader #headcanons #christmas2022

[Hello, My Sexy Muffins, and welcome back to another chapter. This chapter will be Yandere The Grinch, from the Grinch 2018. I hope that you all enjoy this!]

(Disclaimer: The Grinch (2018 The Grinch) is not yandere in canon, this is just for fun and not to be taken seriously. Simping for fictional characters and fictional is fine as long as you are not gross or illegal about it, and remember to separate fiction from reality! Yanderes are not ideal partners to have in real life.)

(Once again, please enjoy this!]

-Base Headcanons With The Grinch, from 2018 The Grinch-

.He's a mean one, Mr. Grinch

.He really is a heel

.He is as cuddly as a cactus

.But now there is one person, who really makes him feel

.Mr. Grinch! is completely and utterly obsessed with his darling YOU

.AND That is TRUE

.Mr. Grinch or the grinch was an orphan in his life. He ended up hating Christmas because no one wanted him.

.He was always alone. With no one to love and no one to love him.

.Now in the modern day he has met the most stunning person he has ever met.

.That is you, you are not turned off by him and are determined to make him smile.

.At first, he tolerates you at best but makes it clear he is not interested.

.As this goes on he is very excited to see you in the village, though he would never admit it.

.He is a grumpy guss who would never admit he likes seeing you every day.

.You could tell though that he enjoys your company but do not tell him.

.He slowly realizes yes he does have feelings for you.

.What really gets him to realize he is in love with you?

.Is seeing some UNWORTHY Who kissing your cheek under some mistletoe.

.OH NO

.That is NOT going to happen.

. He realizes he is in love with you and suddenly is wanting to see you more often.

.Even asking if you would want to move in with him.

.Though he is guarded because he is afraid of your rejecting him so he keeps his guard up.

.This is an odd yandere type for sure. In which he is guarded but also extremely possessive and protective.

.Though since he is guarded he is not telling you why and refuses to explain even snapping at you that it does not matter or you should know.

.It is not to blame you but he just never had any experience expressing romance or care.

.He loves tormenting the whos and being a bit cruel and even sadistic while he does it.

.Though he does have a softer side, he genuinely cares for you and his dog max.

.He sees you as the only person who has been there for him.

.He wants to be a family with you and max.

.Though he is afraid that you will reject him if you knew how he felt.

.He has a bit of doubt in that and that he is worth being loved so he keeps you at a bit of a distance.

.When he does get the confidence to talk to you more romantically he is nervous as he has never done this before.

.He does not know how to flirt and is very awkward, though you find it adorable.

.He deals with rivals by tormenting them away from you and making inventions to keep rivals away from you.

.He is very much that protective man that they are not good enough for you.

.How he would confess it would be a day, not Christmas in which he asks you to join him for dinner. He of course is awkward but he does get it out.

.If you say yes he is kind of shocked but then so happy and his heart grew three sizes that day and so did his obsession.

.If you say no he plays it off as fine and then when he leaves he gets angry how could he be so stupid to think YOU Could ever love someone like him? No One could love him so what does it even matter?

-Now one onto the scenarios ;3 you are reading this in my youtube video is the scenario!-

[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the last Christmas physical one. You will only be able to find the north one (the chaotic mess it is) when I posted on youtube on the 25th or 26th Anyways I hope you all enjoyed and stay sexy all my sexy muffins and happy holidays!]

#yandere #yandere the grinch #yandere the grinch 2018 #yandere headcanons #base headcanons #headcanons #the grinch 2018 #the grinch #the grinch x reader

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libraryofloveletters · 4 years ago

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The Mistletoe Proposal

Eddie Diaz x Reader

Warnings: fem!reader, kissing, a little bit of friendly bullying with buck.

Category: Fluff

Word Count: 1.9k

Author’s Note: Based on this request and this request!! this is basically a part 2 to The Parent Trap but it can be read as a stand alone :)

---

It was Christmas Eve and the 3 of you sat on the couch watching how the grinch stole Christmas. Emily and Christopher had spent the day hanging out and playing video games while you put up last minute decorations and did some gift wrapping. Christmas was always super small for the two of you, it usually consisted of you buying gifts for Emily and then tv in your pjs all day but since Eddie and Chris came into your lives this year, you decided it was time to go all out.

“What do you two want for dinner?” leaning back into the couch as you paused the movie.

“Pizza”

“Burgers”

“How about both ?”

A loud yes and the two of them getting off the couch to go get their shoes. Your phone buzzed as you tumbled through your bag for your car keys. Pulling it out of your pocket, Eddie’s name popped up on the screen.

From Eddie: What are you guys up to ?

To Eddie: Going out for pizza and burgers

From Eddie: Did you starve them today ? Why both ?

To Eddie: Haha very funny Diaz, they’re growing children

From Eddie: Swing by the station ? I miss you guys

To Eddie: We’ll see, I'll message you if we’re coming by

From Eddie: Bobby’s making dinner but sounds good

“Kiddos! Can we take a rain check on burgers and pizza ? Eddie just texted and Bobby’s making dinner at the station. Maybe we should stop by ?”

The two kids nodded, “can we take the cheesecake too ?” Emily asked you, her and Christopher were sitting on the bench by the front door. You headed back to the fridge to grab the cake before heading out.

The drive wasn't very long, it was only 15 minutes from your place to the station. Helping the kids out, they went into the station a few seconds before you, you had to get the cheesecake from the car. When you got in, Buck was being smothered with hugs from the kids. “Hey pretty boy” you smiled at him, the nickname making him laugh, he pulled you in for a hug. “Hey yourself, I haven’t seen you in forever”

“You saw me last week Buck”

“Yeah but that’s too long, who’s supposed to make me dinner if Bobby doesn't cook ? Plus Eddie won’t share whatever you pack for him” he pouted at you, his arm over your shoulder.

“Oh you poor baby, I'll make sure you make double next time. One for him and one for you” you chuckled, Buck smiled. Chim and Hen had already come down and helped the kids up the stairs and to the game machine. “This place is so cool!” Emily said to Christopher, Christoper smiled at her, “I know!”

“Hey, I thought you said you'd text if you were coming ?” Eddie walked over, giving you a hug. “Surprise ?” hugging him back and chuckling, he kissed your cheek. “Did they say hi to you ?” the two of you looked over at the kids who were very into the game they were currently playing. “No,” he laughed, “they ran off. I’m gonna go say hi, make yourself comfortable” Eddie’s hand squeezed your waist softly before letting go.

Turning to the kitchen, you were greeted by Bobby who was stirring something in a pot. “Is that cheesecake ?” he looks over at the box in your hand, you nodded. “A little something for you guys. Chris and Em helped me make it,” you glanced over at the kids before whispering, “if there’s any eggshells, just bypass that ?” Bobby nodded with a smile. “I’m sure it’s great.”

“What can I help with ?” you washed your hands and took a look around.

“You’re a guest don’t worry about that” he told you, you shook your head, “Oh please, let me help. It's a lot”

“Fine, but only because you insist. The carrots and celery need to be chopped and someone needs to let the table” he said, his attention still on the pot in front of him.

“I got the veggies. Eddie! Buck!” the two men found their way over to you in a matter of seconds. “Set the table please ?” smiling sweetly at them, Buck glanced over at Eddie.

“Question Buck?” you glare at him,

He shakes his head, “Oh no, I’m fine”

“Why are you two still standing here ? Go set the table” you nod towards the table, the two men walk away. You can still hear them bickering as they set the table.

“Is she always that bossy ?” Buck asks him, Eddie nods. “It’s hot though” Eddie replies and Buck agrees with him earning a smack to the arm. “Dude! c’mon that’s my girlfriend” Eddie groans making Buck laugh, “if only I had gone to pick up Chris that day” he jokes, Eddie walks away leaving Buck at the table.

“You should come around more often. They stopped listening to me months ago” Bobby tells you, “they’re a handful. I don't know how you do it” you laugh, taking over at the stove.

After dinner, Eddie disappears with Chris and Emily for a few minutes only to come back with a suspicious look on all 3 of them. “What's up with you ?” taking a seat on the arm rest of the chair Eddie was sitting in, his arm comes up and wraps around your waist. “Nothing, just a little conversation” he smiles at you, your arm around his shoulder now.

“You’re losing!” your daughter giggles, Chim groans, “I'm not losing to children!” “You’re losing!” Chris laughs this time. You glance down at Eddie who has a smile on his face.

Your heart felt like it grew 10 times its size when you saw Eddie’s reaction to them.

“C’mon!” Buck shouts from the other end of the kitchen, he’s holding a mistletoe above Bobby and Athena.

Bobby smiles at Athena before kissing her. “Okay Mr. Buckley, get out of here now” Athena pushes him away, Buck gives her a grin and walks away.

He then finds his way over to Hen and Karen who are sitting at the table together. “What are you doing ?” Hen gives him a look, already tired of him. “Just spreading the holiday love. Come on, give your wife some lovin’” Buck and Karen laughed, Hen shook her head. “Say that again and I'll push you over the balcony” she gave Karen a kiss. Buck seems satisfied with his result, leaving them alone.

“Hey love birds” Buck smiled making his way over to you and Eddie. “Don’t start” Eddie warned him. “Fine,” Buck walked around the couch to where you sat and held up the mistletoe. “I’ll just give her a kiss myself” Buck leaned down and kissed your cheek. You smiled at him, “you’re a sweetheart Buck, but I think I rather kiss Eddie” you patted his chest and turned to Eddie. Buck gasped, his hand dramatically hitting his chest, “I’m hurt! how could you?!” he pouted, “you’ll find the right one Buck, don't worry” Eddie said, pulling you down onto his lap. His hand cupping your cheek, you leaned in. Eddie’s lips touched yours, every time felt like the first time, you never got tired of kissing him. Eddie pulled away when a chorus of “gross” and “ew” started, you both looked over to see Buck and Chim encouraging the kids.

Burying your face in the crook of Eddie’s neck, you could feel the heat on your cheeks. “Are you blushing ?” Eddie whispered, kissing your head.

“No, you are” you mumbled, he chuckled, feeling the vibration each time he laughed.

“Let’s goooo!” Buck picked up Chris and ran down the stairs. “Okay little lady, your turn!” Chim picked up Emily and followed Buck down the stairs. “Where are you guys going !?” you shouted from the chair, “To show them the trucks!” Buck shouts back. You didn't think anything of it, you were glad you ended up coming to see Eddie at work.

“You know,” you fiddled with the collar of his shirt, Eddie’s arm was around your waist, your legs swung over the other end of the chair. Eddie hums waiting for you to continue, “you look kinda hot in your uniform. I never get to see you in it”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”

“Maybe I'll have to wear it more often then” Eddie smiles at you as you get up. He grabs your hand, “where are you going?” he pouts. “C’mon, you’re gonna start pouting now ?” you gave him a look, he kept pouting. You leaned down and gave him a kiss, “would you look at that, the pout’s gone”

“Let’s go find the kids” Eddie holds your hand, letting you walk down as he follows behind you. As you get down the stairs, you stop in the middle of the station. The kids are up on the trucks. On one truck stood Buck and Chris holding on the end of a rather large banner. On the other truck stood Chim and Emily holding the other side of the banner. Everyone else stood by the truck, watching you as you read the banner.

“Will you marry me?”

You turned around to see Eddie, who was down on one knee now. Letting out a gasp, he opened the little velvet box to reveal the ring. “Y/n, I know we’ve only been together for a year but you make me happier than I could ever imagine. You’ve been so amazing with Chris and he loves you so much, as do I and I love Emily so much too,” he glances at the kids and gives them a smile. “Would you do me the honour of being my wife and marry me ?” he let out a breath, looking up at you.

“Yes! oh my god Eddie, yes” you leaned down, your hands holding his face. He smiled at you as he got up. You admired the ring as he slid the ring onto your finger, “you have excellent taste Mr. Diaz” you hold out your hand, admiring the ring again. “I had some help from Chris and Emily” his arm wraps around your shoulder.

Everyone comes over to congratulate the two of you, the kids come over to you two. “How could you two keep this from me?” you ask the kids, they smile at you. “He made us promise” Chris said, Emily nodded. “Do you like the ring mommy ?”

“I love it and I love you both so much” you give the two of them a hug. They run off with Chim to go play some game. Everyone clears out, going off to do their own thing. You and Eddie are still wrapped up in each other, most definitely in the honeymoon phase again. You look up at the kids with Chim when you spot the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.

“Hey” you poke Eddie’s cheek, “what?” his brows furrow, his eyes follow your finger to the ceiling.

“That had to be-” he started,

“Shut up and kiss me already Diaz” He laughed as he pulled you in for a kiss.

---

Taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @keenmarvellover @takashishiroqane (only cause you loved the first one :) )

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fweeble · 6 years ago

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Episode 6: My Lost City

Buckle up, and more importantly, arm yourself with tissue boxes, we’re gonna need it.

Pfffft. Max, when will you ever learn the rest of the lines? (Not that I know them, either.)

*swoons into Mappa’s waiting arms* Gorgeous.

Oh, my heart, look at these cuties sleeping. Shorter, cover your tummy, you’ll get a tummy ache. Q vQ

*cries over how precious these two are* Bless this tiny extra scene.

*blows kisses at Mappa*

I LOVE THIS TINY ADDITION. OF COURSE IBE WOULD TAKE PICTURES. I WISH THEY HAD EIJI TAKING PICTURES TOO.

*swoons even more* Mappa, please, you’re killing me.

*cries some more* I have always loved how gentle Ash is with Jennifer.

Jimmy my dude, why’d ya gotta act like this???? >:T

WOW, this is so tame compared to the mango like. Woah.

This had hurt so much, because we know that Max is a father. He has a son, Michael, that he was trying to fight for custody for, but was convinced that giving up was what was best for his son. Imagine being a father who desperately misses their son, who wants to be in their son’s life, and watching another man treat his son like trash. MY HEART. MAX.

Oh god, Ash’s expression. It hurts so much more than it did before. Mappa, why you gotta do this to meeee. I have a soft, squishy little baby girl heart and it bleeds easily.

Totally my bad: They changed the order. JIMMY WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THIS.

*dying hippo noises* IT STILL KILLS ME. FUCK.

*CRIES*

Jennifer is way too good for you, Jim.

*whispers* It’s so gorgeous.

Ash, please. 8′(

I wish Shorter didn’t have his sunglasses on. I want to see his face. Is he super-imposing Nadia onto Griff in this story. We don’t know anything about Shorter’s past. Did Nadia raise him? I HAVE FEELINGS.

Jennifer. Q AQ <3

*cries* I know. I agree with you entirely, Ash. Oof, I love how gentle he is with her. My heart. Look at that face. Let me pretend the one thing he missed about Cape Cod was Jennifer. Let me pretend she had more influence and was able to help Ash and Griff in little ways. Let me pretend Jennifer is stronger than she probably is.

My heart.

Ash, why you always gotta be like this, twisting the knives in wounds and pouring salt all over them. It’s not like Max wants to see your painful past, it’s just that y’all need to suffer through it to get what you want --the truth about Banana Fish.

Thank you Mappa for adding this scene! I’m constantly so worried you’ll cut out all the light-hearted bits in exchange for pure drama. Q vQ

My heart. Eiji, your precious face. Q vQ

MAPPA STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART LIKE A STRESS BALL. It grows two sizes at the sight of Eiji’s adorable face and then is crushed by Ash’s pained one. *clutches chest*

WOW YOU ARE SO RUDE MAPPA. SURE, JUST KEEP ADDING NEW PUNCHES TO THE HEART. NOT LIKE I NEED ONE. NOPE.

*whispers* My secret favorite thing is how close Shorter and Eiji have been. I have protective feelings about these two and Shorter has protective feelings for Eiji.

Sure is him. Is it just me or do they all have surprisingly long hair for military people.

Aaaaand Ash brings out a smart phone. Soogle...Soosle? This is... attempt... #5 for cells trying to save the day. (So far, they never have.)

*strangled noises*

Oh Ibe, you’re so soft with Eiji. You still have the mafia after you guys, you should be yoinking Eiji and heading for the nearest international airport.

Also... y’all aren’t gonna discuss your Visa difficulties?

Trust me, Ash. They all do. Q vQ

Ash, please. Griff would be their age.

Oh gosh, look at their faces. ‘What exactly set him off this time?’ ‘I dunno. It’s like a horse suddenly raging. Maybe a fly flew into his ear.’

Shhhhh, he’s just young. And cranky.

*strangled sobbing*

Excuse me as I interrupt this weekly Nanner Fish Liveblog to cry about the scenery in the next few seconds of footage:

You are such a liar, Ash. You have very particular feelings towards your home.

*cries more at sleeping cuties*

Ash... this feels like such a waste? Someone spent a lot of time brewing that! Couldn’t you have filled empty ones with water??

*cries more at the sky* Clearly what is gonna make me die of dehydration this episode isn’t what I thought it was gonna be. It’s gonna be the backgrounds.

Eiji... I know nothing about shooting but that looks super precarious. Your center of gravity looks... yeah. Ash looks so judgmental. Q vQ

Alright, Annie Oakley. You missed a shot too.

Oh, Ibe. Subtly trying to get Eiji away.

Not subtle enough, though.

*cries both over the words and the detail put into the sky and the sea*

I’ve always found this surprisingly profound, especially since my mother, a naturalized US citizen, has similar opinions about parents in Taiwan coddling their children. (Taiwan has the same age of majority as Japan, 20 years old.)

And Japan’s crime rate is also a lot lower. But Ash is right, Ibe, you aren’t in Japan and you have very dangerous people with very dangerous guns after you all.

Bless their attention to detail. Lookit the truck!

I love how they have Max fixing the truck! Instead of it getting magically fixed, we get a new tidbit about Max! I wonder if he learned this while serving.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell...

When Max is the voice of reason, listen.

Yeeees! It’s finally here! Please forgive me as I spam gyazo and take a hundred pictures because I’ve been waiting for this!

*strangled dying manatee noises*

(Shorter, are you trying to steal Ash’s sandwich while you still have yours.)

(Look at that hand. You totally were, weren’t you. You glutton.)

(Oh, my tiny Grinch heart. Look at this smile. It just grew fifteen sizes.)

(*cries forever* Protecting Eiji is like preserving a vision of himself he could never attain. Putting Eiji on a pedestal and keeping him safe and clean and pure, because he wishes he was Eiji. Excuse me as I have painful flashbacks to Tsuki no Ko and Tirt’s love for Seth.)

BLESS THEM. MY HEART. THEY KEPT THESE LINES.

*sings softly* “I will whisper my name to you: Antonio Salieri: patron saint of mediocrities.”

So you’re keeping this bit but not the Visa part? At least Ibe is keeping some of his old manipulative tendencies when it comes to Eiji.

(”It’s the only way to keep that child safe.” Anyone’s Japanese better than mine who can confirm this is indeed Ibe continuing to view Eiji as a child that needs to be sheltered and not just a cultural barrier?)

And straight back into the coddling, right after the profound revelation.

Jimmy, please.

Tear him a new one, Eiji!

My heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeart. These two lines. Leave to me to die in this small sea of salt and tears.

Something I will always miss is the loss of Eiji’s poor English. Q vQ

Oh boy, get your tissues ready. It’s here.

(Afghanistan is replacing Korea, huh.)

(*dying manatee noises* Someone, save this poor child.)

(FUCK THESE OFFICERS WITH A CIRCULAR SAW. HOW DARE THEY. TO A CHILD. AN ABUSED CHILD. FUCK THEM.)

(*CRIES*)

(Let me spirit him away to a kinder, gentler world. Like GSNK. Or Kimi to Boku where it’s just boys sorting out their feelings.)

(I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS FOR THIS BUT AT LEAST IT FUCKING SAVED ASH. AT LEAST IT SAVED ASH.)

(HE WITHOUT A DOUBT DESERVED WORSE.)

(THIS SICK BASTARD. CMLKDSMFLDSF.)

(I also super hate the way it’s presented in the anime, so take this small manga panel:

LIKE YES, IT MAKES SENSE, WANTING TO PROTECT YOUR SON FROM THE VICIOUS WORDS PEOPLE SAY SO YOU’D SEND HIM TO HIS AUNT’S...

BUT THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT EXPLAIN OR EXCUSE THE SHIT YOU SLING AT HIM NOW, JIM. MY DUDE, YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST ONE SON. TRY TO SAVE WHAT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN HAVE WITH YOUR LAST ONE.

Shorter. Shorter. He didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t want anyone to ever know.

*dying manatee noises* Eiji... *strangled noises about leopards and mountains*

Jennifer, you beautiful soul. Why are you with this mess.

No, you listen to Jennifer!

Fuck.

No, Shorter. This is where he’s from. New York is his home.

Yes, good. Thank god.

You’re searching for Ash in the dark. Please take off your shades, Shorter.

Or not.

Shorter, you’re wearing so much more than you were originally in the manga. Q vQ

Look at that. Gorgeous even in the dark. *blows kisses at Mappa*

Good instinct!

Baaaaaaaaaaaad instinct. So bad.

Eiji, no.

He’s got his back pressed against the wall.

Dammit.

Listen to Shorter, Eiji.

They sure fucking did.

It’s so awful that they somehow managed to make this situation even marginally better.

They had ripped off her top in the manga.

It’s entirely possible they did worse. She doesn’t even have her shoes on. D8

Fuck you. Leave Jennifer alone.

*sweats nervously but also blows kisses at Mappa because hnnng I love the way they deal with lighting, lookit the soft glow of the porch lights*

Max has a plan. I love it when Max has plans. Brilliance or hilarity ensues.

JIM’S FACE. Either he just realized his son still loves him or he’s fucking terrified that his son is now in immediate danger. (I think it’s both.)

Oh, Jennifer. You deserve none of this. None of it. Protect her.

Brilliance. That’s what happens today. Brilliance.

FUCKING LISTEN TO SHORTER EIJI.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE BECAUSE IN THE MANGA I THOUGHT SHE TRIED TO COVER HIM. BUT THAT ACTUALLY DOESN’T MAKE SENSE SINCE THESE ASSHOLES MAKE IT CLEAR THEY AREN’T TO KILL ASH.

THEY SHOT HER TO MAKE A FUCKING POINT.

JENNIFER.

ASH’S FACE. Nope, this is fine. I was born from water, let me return to the salty depths.

THERE WAS NO ONE WORD YOU COULD’VE SAID THAT WOULD’VE MADE THIS FUCKING HURT MORE, ASH. *drowns in own tears of feelings*

Don’t fucking see why you’re smiling, asshole.

There, Shorter’s fixed it.

EIJI WHY ARE YOU HERE. SHORTER TOLD YOU TO STAY THERE.

*STRANGLED SOBBING*

YOU SHOULD’VE TREATED HER LIKE A GODDESS, JIM. YOUR LAST WORDS TO HER SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THOSE A GIANT TANTRUM THROWING CHILD’S.

Ash’s expressions are going to fucking murder me.

Sir, why don’t you have a cell phone???? Why aren’t you questioning why none of these people haven’t called yet???? (Well, to be fair, this is a panic situation...)

*sobbing* A father’s love.

And a son’s.

MY HEART. *cries* Why couldn’t you have both talked like this from the beginning?????????????????? JIM, YOU GIANT BABY.

Excuse me. I just need to... cry. Lots.

ASH AND HIS FACE. TELL THE POLICE. THEY ARE THE CULPRITS. MY MURDER.

*whispers* You should’ve kept this line to help explain the robbery. And help fund them in LA.

*weeps*

FUCKING DINO.

SO GORGEOUS. I AM SO UPSET.

HALF-TRUTH. ALSO, PLOOOOOOT.

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

LEEEEEEEE. FUCK YOOOOOU.

Chinatowns are everywhere. |||orz

Fuuuuuuck. Yut Lung is here.

Shorter, please. Beggars can’t be choosers. (Or, those on the run from the Coriscan Mafia can’t whine when they at least have working transportation.)

*whispers softly to Mappa* Chicago, dearests, not Cicago.

Guess they’re cutting out one of the best scenes if this guy’s already here.

*blows kisses at Mappa* Gorgeous.

Still... where in LA are they supposed to be? I think that’s supposed to be downtown, but I don’t remember any forest-y areas around downtown. (Says someone who may live in LA county but rarely goes west towards downtown. Maybe there are. I tend to go east. :V)

The Great Shorter And Ash Chicken Raid.

You will not be forgotten.

Oof. Stay hydrated, guys! I’m kinda emotionally drained, so I’m off now. |||orz

<<Episode 5 Masterlist Episode 7>>

#Fandom: Banana Fish #Banana Fish #Nanner Fish Liveblog #spoilers #tw: spoilers

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farklelucas · 7 years ago

Note

when they are thinking of a name for their Kid, Lucas wants to name it something original but Farkle is like "FUCK THAT, we are naming our children actual names"

LITERALLY. LITERALLY! lucas was like “let’s name them something unique and cool like your name.” and farkle was like “no! fuck that! they’re not having weird names!!!” okay wait lemme write a drabble

–

The baby comes on a Tuesday at 3:45 pm, and neither of them are prepared.

It’s 3:40 pm; Farkle is pacing outside in the waiting room, and Lucas idly reaches out and touches him every time he walks past. It’s been nearly sixteen hours, and they finally got kicked out of the delivery room when Farkle began telling the doctor what exactly he was doing wrong. Maya nearly launched herself off of the table to wring his neck, so they figured it was wise to leave - it had been a long time coming anyway.

“We’re not ready,” Farkle says, for the millionth time, as he walks up and down the hall. “We don’t have the crib set up. I haven’t mastered how to tell if a bottle is too hot. We don’t even have a name picked out! I -”

“Baby,” Lucas says, with all the calm and patience of a man who isn’t waiting for his child to be born. Farkle finds it ridiculously unfair that he can be this calm in this situation. He both loves and hates it; it’s both calming and infuriating. “We’ll be fine. Zay and Charlie are at home setting up the crib. I know how to tell if a bottle is too hot, and I know you learned, because you’ve been studying for, like, a month now. And we could talk about names now if you weren’t so busy freaking out.”

Farkle lets out a small whine from the back of his throat, and drops down into the chair next to Lucas. “I know,” he murmurs. He can hear the petulance and childishness in his own voice, but he can’t even stop himself, and that’s the worst part. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Luckily for him, Lucas just smiles, that beautiful smile that Farkle loves so much. He reaches out his hand and wraps his arm around Farkle’s shoulder lightly, rubbing at his shoulder blade with his thumb. “We’re gonna be okay,” he promises. And when he says it, Farkle almost believes it. (Almost.)

He opens his mouth to reply, but the door swings open, and Riley smiles at them, nearly blinding him with her pretty pearly whites. He doesn’t know how she can be so calm after just having watched her best friend give birth for nearly, well, sixteen hours. He’s not calm and he hasn’t even been here the whole time. (Lucas sent him home at some point to take a shower and a nap, because he was “wearing a hole in the floor” with all his pacing.) “Well,” Riley says cheerfully, and she sounds ecstatic. “You want to come on in and meet your son?”

At that, Farkle’s heart stops beating in his chest. Their son. They have a son. A little boy that’s all theirs. Farkle is going to teach him how to do times tables, and how to tie a tie, and how to ride a bike. And Lucas will teach him how to play catch, and how to swim, and how to drive. They have a lifetime of adventure in front of them, and he can’t wait to start. Lucas squeezes his shoulder, the only thing bringing him out of his reverie, and he shakes himself. Then he glances at Lucas, who, the big, lovable freak, has tears streaming down his face, and he tries for a scoff but it comes out a sob. “Yeah,” Farkle says eventually. “Yeah, we’re ready.”

They stand and Riley leads them inside, to where Maya, exhausted, sweaty, and pink from her neck to her ears, is holding a small blue bundle on her chest. Smackle is kneeling next to her, holding the hand not cradling the baby, and they both look up and smile as they enter. “Hello,” Smackle says softly, and if Farkle didn’t know her any better, he would say she was going to cry. But she just smiles again and says, “He’s beautiful.”

He looks to Maya, and she raises her eyebrows. “All I know is - this kid better appreciate his Aunt Maya,” she says menacingly, and Farkle chuckles. “Like, seriously, he literally owes me his life. Don’t let him be a brat, okay?” She sniffles, and her voice is wet and small, and Farkle wants to hug her so much right now. She smiles tiredly, and says, “Okay, come get your kid so I can take a nap.”

It’s Lucas who crosses the room first, scooping the baby out of her arms gently and slowly. Once he’s transitioned, only fussing slightly as he goes, Maya sighs and closes her eyes, her hand still loosely in Smackle’s as she drifts off to sleep.

Lucas gives him a small nod, and he shuffles over, the fear of them not being ready still niggling in the back of his mind, the voice repeating it getting louder and louder with each and every step he takes. But when he sees the pink, wrinkled face of their son, scrunched up with sleep as he dozes in Lucas’s arms, that all fades away. All he hears is a third and steady heartbeat, and light breathing with tiny lungs; and all he sees is a button nose, and big dark lashes that flutter on his cheek, and tiny little fists curled up to his chests. He doesn’t know what to say - what do you say when you see the most beautiful and perfect thing you have ever had the pleasure to see in your entire life? So all he says is “Wow,” because that’s all he can think to say. Lucas lets out a little huff, but to Farkle’s ears, it’s more of a “yeah, you got that right,” and he smiles. The tears are still streaming down Lucas’s face, and he reaches up with the bunched sleeve of his hoodie and wipes one away. Lucas glances at him, still smiling.

“So,” Riley says from where she’s leaning against the doorway. “What’re you going to name him?”

At once, Lucas and Farkle look at each other. “We don’t know,” Farkle confesses honestly, letting it out in one long breath. Riley quirks an eyebrow, amused. “We didn’t talk about it. We - uh, what do you think?”

Lucas has gone back to looking at their son, bouncing him gently in his arms. Farkle’s breath hitches. If he were the Grinch, he may say that his heart grew three sizes that day, looking at the two people he loved most in the world in a moment of uninterrupted domestic bliss. He was so unabashedly happy, a feeling he had nearly forgotten until now. “I don’t know,” Lucas murmurs. “Your family loves eclectic names. Should we go for something… unique?”

That nearly makes Farkle’s neck break with how fast he whips his head around to look at his husband. His poor, dumb husband. “What,” he begins flatly, “do you mean unique?”

Humming, Lucas glances up at him. Luckily, he’s stopped crying, and the tears are now just a leftover flow of happiness from the past few moments. “I don’t know, something science-y maybe?” he suggests. “Like… Pluto. Or Mitochondria?”

Farkle groans and puts a hand on his head. “Lucas,” he says, “do you hate our child?” Lucas reels, blinking, and Farkle steamrolls on. “Do you know how shitty a life it was going through school named Farkle? I can’t imagine naming my kid something awful like that. He’s already saddled with Minkus as a last name because you insisted on taking my name, let’s not screw him over twice.” He pauses and adds, “Maybe as a middle name. Also, you cross-referenced two separate sciences. That’s just sloppy work, freak face.”

It’s then that Lucas gives him That Look - his favorite look. The look that says, ‘this, this right here - this is why I married you.’ “I love you,” he says, and Farkle grins at him. “Fine. What do you think?”

He pauses for a moment, then says, “Liam.” Everyone frowns at him, confused, minus Lucas who grins. “It means warrior, protector. He’s the oldest child; he’s the protector.”

“It’s perfect,” Lucas murmurs, looking back down at the baby with total adoration. “Liam.” He grins, then looks back up at Farkle with a mischievous glint in his eye. It’s a look Farkle knows fairly well by now, and he kind of loves it. “Erasmus,” he says, and it’s not a suggestion, it’s a decision, and Farkle nearly swoons.

“English for the rest of us?” Riley chirps, and Farkle laughs.

“He was a social teacher,” Smackle pipes up, and they all look to her. She shrugs. “I proofread Farkle’s doctorate thesis when we were in college.”

He nods. “I did my thesis on the early study of evolution,” he replies, “and I was obsessed with Erasmus. Lucas read over my paper.”

Lucas, who’s busy bouncing the baby again, says, “I didn’t understand a single word. But Farkle could talk about Erasmus for hours on end.”

“And Lucas would let me,” he says fondly, and Riley laughs.

“Liam Erasmus Minkus,” she mutters. “For someone who supposedly doesn’t hate their kid, you sure went and did that.” Farkle and Lucas shoot her a playful glare, and she sticks out her tongue.

There’s a long pause as Farkle and Lucas admire their son, and Smackle sticks her hand to Maya’s forehead. And then Riley says, “Wait, what do you mean by ‘oldest?’ Don’t you mean ‘only?’”

#larkle #gmw #otp: i never want him to go away #girl meets world #katie writes #so this got out of hand #mauricio #come support me and my bad decisions #anonymous #what kind of woman doesnt have an ask #liam minkus

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artificialqueens · 8 years ago

Text

everything carries me to you: part one (thorcid) - featherpluckn

Author’s Note: Hi! I’m new to the fandom and slash writing in general. I just had some feels that had to come out apparently. Any constructive criticism is definitely welcome.

This fic is hopefully the first part of what I plan to be a three part story. There is some language and adult situations but nothing too explicit.

The title of the story comes from “If You Forget Me” by Pablo Neruda.

Happy reading :)

Jamin had always found Shane attractive. This was an undeniable truth.

The first night they met, Shane handed him a fist full of drink tickets outside some hole in the wall dive bar, grabbed his ass, and said “We’re gonna make out in the bathroom later”.

Jamin laughed it off with his friends, “That twink is cute but so not my type. I don’t go for delusional.”

Fate was a fickle bitch however because at 3 AM Jamin was pressed into a grimy bathroom stall wondering how in the hell he ended up with Delusional Twink’s tongue down his throat. After about 10 minutes and making him almost cum in his pants like it was his first time all over again, Delusional Twink produced a pen from god knows where and scribbled his number down Jamin’s forearm. “My name is Shane. Call me if you want to finish this somewhere a little more horizontal.”

The first time the two fucked, they were in full drag and on the couch in the manager’s office of one of the nicer clubs in Brooklyn. Fucking in drag was definitely not something Jamin usually did but the way Shane moaned around his dick and wanted him to go “Harder. Faster. Yes! Fuck me like you mean it. I love your cock! OH!!” Well, Jamin made an exception.

Shane giggled and thanked him afterwards. Jamin’s heart grew three sizes like the god damn Grinch because who the fuck takes a dick like that but has a smile that could make flowers bloom and droughts end and blind men see?

With that same sugar sweet smile on his face he leaves Jamin sitting there with his dick out and a promise to see him again soon. Jamin hopes this leaving when they are getting somewhere is not going to become a pattern. Because he cannot figure out if Shane is afraid of being vulnerable or afraid of being vulnerable with him. Either way this fluttery feeling in his chest is getting super annoying.

The first time he broke Shane’s heart, it nearly destroyed him. They had been hooking up off and on for years. Every time they were within 50 feet of each other the night ended with one of them bent over the nearest available surface.

Over time though, Thorgy was getting more work and Acid Betty was getting less. Jamin began turning his freelance graphic design into an honest to god career. The times their paths crossed dwindled until one night Jamin went to see Thorgy at a gig. Her performance was insanely entertaining as usual. It took quite a while after the number for Jamin to find her and when he did, Thorgy of course was talking animatedly to anyone and everyone. She finally looked up after downing a shot with some guy who Jamin noticed was standing way too close and waved.

“Betty!”

“Hey, Thorg! Great show!”

Thorgy smiled in that adorable eye crinkling way she had. “Thanks, girl. I’m glad you could make it. Let me take my off my face and we can get a couple of drinks.”

Jamin ended up joining Shane at the bar with a couple of mutual friends drinking one too many beers and downing three too many shots. They eventually end up in the alley behind the club, kissing messily with their hands down each others pants.

And as much as he was enjoying making out, he wanted to make Shane scream tonight. It had been too long.

Jamin pulled away “Do you mind if I call us a cab and we take this back to my place?”

“I don’t mind at all.” Shane’s eyes lit up and he dove in for one last kiss while Jamin was digging his phone from his back pocket.

Just as he was pulling up the number and Shane found that one spot right under his chin, the back door of the club slammed open and a guy stumbled out while simultaneously vomiting the contents of the entire bar on every available surface. This included but was not limited to the bottom half of Shane and Jamin. The guy promptly stumbled back into a mountain of trash bags and passed out but the damage was done.

If there is one thing Jamin cannot do, it is listen to someone vomit without losing his lunch as well. In a split second, he has his elbows on his knees and Shane’s hand is rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. His cheeks are burning with embarrassment as he straightens up wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

“Um, on second thought I think I’m going to take that cab by myself.” Jamin laughs self consciously and begins to walks away.

He turns back when he hears an uncharacteristically reserved voice “Why don’t we go get cleaned up together and maybe find something to do after if you’re feeling better? We could even go back to my place. I have some shit TiVo’d that I’ve been meaning to watch for months. I just feel like I haven’t seen much of you lately and I’d like to fix that…”

The look in Shane’s eyes is nervous and hopeful and so fucking raw Jamin has to look away. And in that moment he realizes Shane wants more. Probably wants more pretty badly if he’s willing to cuddle on the couch or whatever after being sprayed with vomit. It’s completely terrifying. He would be responsible for this man’s heart and it is a big wonderful good heart.A heart that he is giving willingly and openly and wants to share with Jamin. It’s too much.

It’s way too fucking much.

That fluttery feeling is back except it is now accompanied by a pounding heart and sweaty palms and a voice in his head saying he is not good enough. He can’t do this.

“You know, I think I just want to take a shower and go to bed.” He gestures down his body. “Tonight has been a lot.”

Shane’s eyes shutter and a smile takes over his face that is definitely forced. And with a little laugh Shane says “Yeah, girl. Sure. I hear you, girl. Um. I guess I’ll see you around.”

With a shaky nod, Jamin walks away throwing that heart back like a goddamn hot potato before it can burn either of them.

The first time Jamin realizes they are honest to god friends it is too late to be anything more. He hasn’t seen Shane in over a year. Jamin has thrown himself into his day job. So much so, that Acid Betty has all but faded into the ether of night life. Nothing but a mythological cunt with looks for your nerves.

Jamin has been okay with that or he thought he was okay with that until he got a wild hair and actually sent a tape in for drag race casting. Nothing will come of it he knows but you never know if you don’t try right?

There is a new coffee spot a few blocks down from Jamin’s apartment. It has amazing espresso and free wifi so on a rainy Saturday afternoon he settles down to catch up on some email.

Somewhere between the third email to his sister and finishing his first coffee he hears it. And fuck, he would know that cackle anywhere. Embarrassingly enough, he hears it in his dreams. He smiles a true smile and turns before he can stop himself.

The smile does not last long. Standing at the counter lit from behind by the sunlight streaming in through the glass storefront like this is some kind of goddamn rom com and not his fucking life, is Shane but he is not alone. He has someone with him. Of course he does. The man is hanging off his arm and looking up at him with literal heart eyes. He is objectively fucking gorgeous. Beautiful caramel skin, meticulously groomed beard, tattoos peeking out from one sleeve of his fitted t-shirt, and when he turns around to grab his drink from the barista of course he has an incredible ass. Jamin hates him already.

Before he can apparate the hell out of there, Shane spots him.

“Jamin? Hey!” Jamin waves awkwardly and Shane shimmies his shoulders and makes his way over leaving Beardy to catch up much to Jamin’s amusement.

“Hey, Shane. How have you been?”

“In-credible! How have you been? It’s been a long time.” By this time, Beardy has made his way over and is standing beside Shane looking at him like he hung the moon and he may not like the guy but he does know how he feels.

“I’m great. Working like crazy on a few design projects but good, good. Who’s your friend?”

“Oh! This is Sam. Sam, this is Jamin. An old friend, who crossed over into the land of the living.”

“Hi, Jamin. I’m sorry Shane but I really do have to run. I’ll give you a call later. Nice to meet you.”

Jamin found something extremely interesting in his email when Shane goes to kiss Sam goodbye. When he looks up Shane is watching him with a look he cannot or does not want to decipher at the moment.

“He seems nice.” Jamin tries to sound casual and interested and not at all like he is remembering that Shane always kisses like it is the first and last time he will ever get to do it.

Shane smirks and shakes his head and Jamin is 80% sure he sees straight through his bullshit.

“He is nice. He is very nice. Knows what he wants and goes for it.” Well that cut right to the fucking quick or not at all. It’s hard to tell with Shane because he goes right into the next subject with no pause and a smile on his face. “Are you expecting someone? Can I sit for a minute? It feels like it has been forever since we had the chance to catch up.”

“No. No, it’s fine. I’d like that.”

They talk about gigs gone right and wrong, this new greasy diner Jamin discovered and knows Shane will like because they offer about a dozen different types of pancakes at all hours of the day and night, the up and down weather lately and how it killed the plants Shane decided to buy on that one nice day last week, and the whole conversation Jamin aches to already know these things. To be the one that helped him pick out that plant. The one that convinced him to try those Breakfast in Bed pancakes with the bacon in the batter. But he is not and it is his fault it’s like this. So now he has to live with it.

“Shit!”

Jamin is jerked back to the present by the expletive. “What is it?”

“I have a thing tonight and I really should already be home getting ready.”

“Oh. Well, I guess you need to get going then.”

Shane bends down to retrieve his bag. Then Jamin has a thought.

“What did you do for your video this year?”

“What video?”

“Your drag race audition.”

“Ah. Well, I’m not doing one this year. It’s been seven years. I think it’s time to stop bugging them.” Shane laughs and looks for Jamin’s agreement but if there’s one thing he knows is true and will not bend on, it is that Thorgy is a fucking force of nature and the world needs to see it.

“Seriously? Do what you want but I think you should send one every season until they get their heads out of their asses and cast you.”

Shane looks genuinely shocked as Jamin continues. “I’m serious, Thorg. There hasn’t been anyone else like you on that shitshow because there is no one else like you. You are talented and fun and you can turn a fucking show. You belong there. Tell them why.”

There’s a moment of silence. Then, Shane launches himself at Jamin pulling him into an awkward hug because of course the only hug that has not ended in sex for them includes a laptop and a table between them

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. Just send that tape, bitch.”

“I might do just that. I really do need to get going.” Shane look sincerely disappointed when he stands up. “Let’s not wait another 18 months to speak to each other. I miss your face, girl.”

“I miss you too, Shane. Let’s meet up for some drinks soon.”

Of course they don’t.

The next time Jamin sees Shane it is three months later surrounded by fake pink bricks, five cameras, and ten other queens out for their blood.

#thorgy thor #acid betty #thorcid #slight smut #fluff #angst #featherpluckn #rpdr fanfiction #canon compliant #everything carries me to you

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shawnjacksonsbs · 5 years ago

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And "they wonder why we can't be happy in their shade" while trying to reconcile with what my heart tells me. 6-21-20

“I’m afraid if I listen with my heart once, I’ll never figure out how to ignore it again.” —adapted from Colleen Hoover Coming out from behind their shade was all it took to feel that sun on my face again, and so I decided to fight to keep it there. This whole entry is based loosely on the notes from an entry I axed about why it's "my way or the highway" that's important for me and keeping with that rear-view analogy that continues to hold my perspective in place. Gratitude is still such an understatement. Now let me try to explain the 3 Heart Phases Formula. Some you original readers from way back might remember my obsession with trying to find that one size fits all formula to pull people out of their darknesses. This ain't that. As unfortunate as it is, and let's be real here, unless it's in an extraterrestrial language, there's no one set of words that will hit everyone the same, with the same reactionary responses. Can we say unrealistic pipe dream? Lol Instead, how about another option. 1st ♡ Phase is listening TO the heart; At first, it was about learning to listen to my heart. Having a limited amount of hope in the beginning almost proved the process too difficult. That is until I realized that the ways I saw and felt things were every bit as valid as those who subscribed to other ideas and other ways out. It was a hard-won battle that not everyone had to recognize, but I did. Only I did. This made all the rest effective, and worth it. I don't have to believe in any God and trying to for so long kept me sick. Trying to force things into my being, that I later knew weren't right was very detrimental to my recovery process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this played a significant role in why I failed to get right at every other time in my life. I was fighting with what I knew deep in my heart wasn't accurate. And because so many people that I know do believe in some version, and because it plays such a dominant role in communities that I've lived in, just made it all that much more difficult to be honest with myself and in turn honest with the world around me for fear of abandonment, lack of acceptance, or outright retribution. It took a tremendous amount of courage to be honest about what I believed and why. And it wasn't just about my lack of belief in god or religion. It was about a lot of things. Which way I leaned politically was also a thing because it didn't fit with the way most of the people in my life leaned. 12 step groups were also a hold-back and that took some time to reconcile as well. I am not a drug addict. I was, but not anymore. Hopefully will never be again. Religion and a belief in a god helps some people, but not me. 12 step groups have helped more people than I care to try and count, but not me. I had to really start being honest with myself. I didn't know what was right at first, or the right way exactly, but I had a lot that I knew wasn't. So it started there. 2nd ♡ Phase is listening WITH my heart; From this point, the point of listening to my heart, something in me clicked. I started to realize that all the ideals and all the nonsense pushed on me, kept me and others from actually hearing what I was trying to say, like the way that I felt things and felt about things. I wondered if I had done that to others. At that moment, I absolutely knew that I had. From there on, I tried to start listening with my heart, which essentially is just being as open-minded as you possibly can. Listening without, or with limited, judgment. It helps make way for real understanding. Just so ya know, this too proved tricky at first. I'm fortunate enough that I had people who kept me as friends as they helped me find my way through. It's been a slow process, to say the least. I've argued against things pretty hard in the last several years that I 100% know better about today. Listening with my heart, through love, and empathy has taught me so much more about myself than I ever imagined it could. All the while it opened my eyes and my heart to the plight of a lot of other people. I don't shut those people down immediately like I used to. It's easier for me to decipher the importance of their message without getting so hung up semantics and wording. That seems to a huge thing with a lot of people. If I asked you to listen with your heart, like really listen, without judgment, could you? Do you sincerely believe that you'd be capable of it? Because it's hard. It's like one of the hardest things you'll ever really learn to do. And I believe it is a learned behavior. It was for me at least, learned, and hard to do. I'm still nowhere close to absolute in this area, but the growth I've accrued from the practice and patience I've given to this is hands down the most rewarding, satisfying, and fulfilling parts of my journey so far. I encourage you all to try and listen with your hearts. Listen, as open-mindedly as you possibly can, to someone who you tend to feel as opposition. Hear the underlying tones of what they're trying to convey. And never respond. Don't even tell anyone you're doing it at first. Take a few steps into listening with your heart and see how it feels. See if what I'm saying makes sense. There will be times where what you're hearing is still 180 degrees off from your true north, but keep trying to understand without condemning, without judging, or getting hung up on parts of the whole. Sometimes you won't be able to see through certain messages, and from certain persons and that's ok. Just keep trying until one finally hits you. From there, if you're anything like me, it'll snowball, until it's near impossible to not feel them coming through their words. You can still disagree completely. It's not a prerequisite for understanding another side, that you all of the sudden change your mind or you're heart, but having that better understanding of their side makes communication a 1000 times better and smoother. Arguing to argue is pointless and stupid. Win hearts by actually communicating and find common ground, middle ground, and we will find comprised solutions. It's not rocket science. It's listening with your heart. 3rd ♡ Phase is wearing that same heart on your sleeve; Trust me when I say that wearing your heart on your sleeve can be exhausting at times, but it gets easier the longer you do it. The longer you do it the freer you become. There's nothing like knowing that I don't have to meet anyone's preconceived notions of who they think I should be. My definition of what makes man may vary from yours. I can tell other men I love them, without fear of feeling less than. I can push for kindness, compassion, sensitivity, and civility across the board, and still, be able to hit someone in the mouth if it ever came to that. But it probably won't. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I can just wear my heart loud and proud and fuck what you heard, think, or believe if it makes you think less of me. I work hard every day. I take care of my family and I probably look more like those who oppose my views than not. What do you think makes a man a man? For me, above all else, it's being a good person, a good human, and treating others, not just some but all other people the way I'd want them to treat each other. Also, I can sing along with Manic Monday by The Bangles surrounded by anyone, any time, anywhere, and loud. ~"I wish it was Sunday, 'Cause that's my fun day My, I don't have to run day, Its just another manic Monday '~ I had other components, several smaller components that made this formula personal to me. As would/will anyone who can truly subscribe to this way of life. The number one thing, as luck would have it, was that my first granddaughter was born during the early stages of my transitioning and I became a Pawpaw. It changed everything. My grandchildren continue to be a positive driving force and a daily reminder of who I am now, and why I do what I do, without their even knowing it. With my heart laid wide open, those little vulnerable people give me pause enough to reflect on how I failed my kids, their parents, when they, themselves, were little. In my attempts to amend my relationships with my kids, I made a promise to always do my very best to promote through love and understanding all that I should have shown them, but can now, show them all, kids, and grandkids alike. My kids see the change I'm living. Just ask any of them, and as for my grandchildren, they will never know any other version of me than the one that walks this fucking walk every fucking day, inside and outside of this blog, for the rest of my life. I guess that's it. Remember that is more than one way out, if you really want it, you will find what fits you. The 3 Heart Phases Formula may not be for everyone, but its what I needed, when I needed it. Keep sharing the love and laughter with the world around you, and always, always try and be kind to one another. At the very, very least be civil. Life Goals - Win Hearts, Be Kind, and Stay Grateful, and not necessarily in that order. lol Until next week; "Well, in Whoville they say – that *[his] small heart grew three sizes that day." - from the *[Grinch] Who stole Christmas.

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well-hidden-hot-mess · 5 years ago

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an update and more rambles (what else is new?)

Well things have changed a lot since my last post. Good and bad things. Just lots of things. This is going to be a long one so buckle up. You’ve been warned.

I (FINALLY!!!) moved to my dream city that I’ve been dreaming of for the last 10 years and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I truly feel at home in a way I’ve never felt before and it’s so freeing. That’s something I need to remind myself when I feel like I’m drowning in stress and just life - just stop, take a second and remember that you did something that so many people never have the balls to do (aka pick up their entire lives and move across the country from everything they’ve ever known and everyone they care about and everything that was “safe” to them to embark on a whole new life in a brand new place where they know no one) and not just to any place, but to the place that you instantly knew was your home the second you landed over 10 years ago and decided to do what you knew deep down would be the best decision you’ve ever made in your life and guess what. It was the best decision you’ve ever made and it worked out despite all of the days spent worrying about “what if I hate it there? what if I fail and have to come back home with my tail between my legs and admit that I was wrong? what if my happy place isn’t all that I expected it to be and I realize I made a huge mistake?” and do I regret a single thing about taking that chance? Not even the slightest bit. Yes I do miss having my family so close (especially my puppy since he doesn’t understand how to FaceTime) and I miss that sense of security of having my safety net/support group so close by but I’m starting to finally feel like I’m growing roots here and it’s honestly just such a good feeling. Fuck why am I crying? lol. I love my home here and I’m so proud of myself for putting myself before all the stupid worry/doubt my brain kept pushing at me and saying fuck it I’m doing this. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made and that wouldn’t have been possible without me standing up against those inner demons or whatever and it feels great to finally have won/have some sort of victory over them so next time they’re taking over again, I can be like yo remember what happened last time you fought back harder than you ever had? Look what happened, you changed your life and got out of the dead end miserable existence you had and created a life that makes you truly happy in a place that makes you feel more alive than you ever thought possible. You did that. No one else did it for you. Yes you had help along the way but you did it. If I can do something that I’ve truly felt like I've been called to do for over a decade despite all of the scariness/risks/etc and put myself out there and put my happiness first over those stupid inner demons, I can honestly do anything. Well that turned into way more of a rant than intended but that’s what I do here lol.

Originally before I left, wifey had told me she had free tickets to go see Luke Bryan/Cole Swindell at Jones Beach and since I wasn’t sure when I was moving I was like oh 100% I’ll go. Then we figured out my move date was 4th of July (Independence Day - so fitting lol) and the concert was July 17th. Wifey was saying how sad she was that I wasn’t going to be able to go since I’ll have moved already and it’s our yearly tradition to see him now. I looked at her surprised and was like “umm she’s been my best friend for almost 15 years and acts like she’s never met me before...?”. So needless to say, 2 weeks after I moved, I flew back home to CT to go to the show with her, Jenny, Kristin, and Sam and holy. shit. It was my first concert at Jones Beach so that was cool. We picked up Kristin in NYC on the way there and had the best time blasting music and singing and pregaming on the way there. We got to go to a meet and greet and listening party for Cole Swindell. He was super sweet and we got to hear 2 of his songs that weren’t released yet/wouldn’t be released. It was so I don’t even know the word to describe how cool it was and how like full my soul felt to see him listening to the songs along with us and you could just feel the passion radiating out of him while the songs were playing and I just felt like the grinch where my heart grew three sizes in that moment. It was so refreshing to see that that passion and pureness does still exist in this crazy world and it was just a moment I’ll never forget. Then we went to the concert where we were originally like halfway up the stadium and when wifey sent a thank you text to who got us the tickets with a picture from the seats, they were like umm no that’s not good enough and were told to go meet some guy from security. So we go over and as we’re waiting, I turn around and in the most like hidden seats I see Theresa aka the Long Island Medium and her daughter just sitting there like NBD. So I freak out about that obviously and have to tell my mom but the selfie attempts failed so I was sad. But then we were lead into the pit and I was 3 people away (security included) away from Luke the entire show. I don’t think I blinked the entire time. I felt kinda bad because wifey was like “oh come over here there’s more room” and I was like “I love you but this is the only chance I might ever have to be this close to the love of my life/obsession so I’m going to stay here if that’s okay” and she immediately understood and was like “yep, say no more” and we were close enough where if something happened I could turn and make eye contact with them so it was okay. It was honestly the best night of my entire life so far and did I mention that he made direct eye contact with/sang to me for a few seconds during Play It Again? Because he did and I’m pretty sure I felt my soul leave my body at that moment. That night was easily in the top 10 greatest moments I’ll ever have in my life and I regret not a single thing. The hassle of having to pack up and fly home in the midst of not even being close to done unpacking was beyond worth it and I’d do it all over again a million times.

Okay let’s see what else. So I got offered a job at the first interview I went to which was a nice little ego/confidence boost as the assistant manager of a spa (ironic I know since the last spa managers I’ve known have been nice but the bane of my existence most of the time lol) in a town like 20 mins outside of the city. I had to be incognito about being the new manager for the first 3 months as like a trial period to make sure it was a good fit before we announced it to everyone. I wish I could say it’s been all sunshine and rainbows since then but seeing how this is the first new job I’ve had in 6 years, the beginning was a bit rough. I’m used to being the veteran that knows everything and is the go to person but now I was the newbie who felt like they didn’t know anything (because I didn’t lol) and felt kinda useless at the beginning during training because I was so eager to jump in and help and show my true work ethic and all that but it’s hard to do when you have zero idea what you’re talking about. Then they kinda dumped on me that in a few months they wanted me to be ready to move up to full on spa manager and I panicked hard. Then the manager left for a week and a half on vacation where she wasn’t reachable if I needed help and let’s just say it was just short of a disaster. I also contracted a respiratory infection during that time and had literally zero voice above a faint whisper even if I tried yelling and it was so painful to breathe/exist let alone run a spa when I feel like I was not prepared at all for that. Then when she came back we had a talk and I was told that I had disappointed the owners since they thought I should’ve handled things better despite being sick and that I'm not further along into being ready for that role. That fucking hurt because I was killing myself just to get there each day and survive and I was trying to be positive and get things done when inside and outside I was clearly dying. Then after some reflection, I sat down with her again and we had a very productive talk. I explained that I didn’t ask many questions before she left because I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I was left alone with no one to go to for help and it was all on me. I also explained how before this job, my highest role was equivalent to a lead SA there and this was all brand new to me. I wasn’t the one making the big decisions with clients or dealign with managing the entire staff instead of like 10 people but mainly like 5 who were more than just coverage people if needed or doing inventory or reports or calling the shots on when to waive final payments or the 24 hour cancellation fee or any of that. I think once she kinda understood where I was coming from and that was laid out in front of her, she realized I needed to actually be trained not just tell me how to do things when problems arise and since it had been so crazy busy with gift card season and the holidays and vacations and training the influx of new SAs, we didn’t do any specific manager training other than when problems came up in the moment. So things became a lot different and we’re putting aside time to really train and get me prepared for my current role and the future role too. During all of this, my depression took full control of me for a month or two and really took a nose dive after the week I was left alone (I’ll go into more of that later on) and it really affected my work. I was constantly 20 or more minutes late despite numerous talking to’s, I wasn’t fully present despite how hard I was trying to be, my sales went out the window, my team lost respect for me (I don’t blame them for that at all since I was so in my own little bubble and focused on just surviving another day that I wasn’t up to my full potential and not able to support them in the way I should’ve/want to be), I stopped working out and was binge eating the worst foods constantly and gained about 40lbs in a few short months (sound familiar?). Then a couple weeks ago, I got written up for being late and if it continued, I would be demoted to SA and then eventually fired and that was exactly the kick in the ass I needed to get my ass back in gear and lift myself out of that depression slump. I’ve been at least 5 minutes early for every shift since then and have been actively making sure I’m there for my team and learning how to be a better manager to help support them and the business as a whole. I feel so much more in control of my life and it feels fucking great. I don’t dread going to work each day anymore and don’t have to fight to get out of bed each day to get there and don't feel so hopeless like I'll never be good enough for them no matter how hard I try (aka how I felt after that week of being alone). I had my latest one on one yesterday and my boss kept saying how much improvement she’s seen in me and feels so much more confident in me as that potential future spa manager now that she’s seen how hard I've been working to do my best. Like I wasn’t holding back tears but I was one tiny step before that because I was so happy that my hard work is being recognized and is paying off. I truly do want to do my best there and she sees that and appreciates it and that’s just not something I’m used to so it’s like “oh this is what being in a non toxic work environment is like... this is what it’s like being appreciated and supported by management.... huh...”. So that’s pretty cool. And I even got a fleece zip up with the company logo on it as a reward kinda which just added to it lol. I’ve been there 6 months and got a really nice fleece zip up when after 6 YEARS at EQX all I got was a stupid hat lol. I don’t know if being with this company is a lifelong thing but it’s working for me now and I think it’s exactly where I should be, even just to learn how to be a manager and learn those skills to take with me elsewhere in the future so that’s pretty cool too. It can be stressful at times don’t get me wrong and I may have many homicidal thoughts that I would obviously never act on towards some of my coworkers at times when they drive me absolutely insane but I do enjoy being there and being part of that family/having that support.

Now fitness/health wise. Where to start. So yeah the last few months has been spent binge eating my face off and honestly I think it started as a nice break from worrying about calories or the scale or the gym especially since my body was failing me and I felt terrible all the time and couldn’t push myself at all or I’d get one of my vertigo like migraines or overheat or just not have the physical ability to do anything so removing myself from that environment of always building frustration was probably a good thing. Well at least that’s how it started. Then the holidays hit, then work became crazy and my depression consumed me and I felt like shit to begin with so I had zero motivation to even try to meal prep or eat anything that wasn’t ordered off ubereats that was at least 5-10k calories each sitting. Plus my insomnia was the worst it’s been in years where I would stay up until 3 or 4 am each night watching Criminal Minds or Silent Witness or Dexter and wonder why I couldn’t function at all during work. So yeah, that’s how I got up to my most recent highest weight of 196lbs and seeing that number SUCKED. Was I surprised? Nope. Was I a little surprised it wasn’t higher than that? Yup lol. It wasn’t such huge blow because I knew how I had been eating/living so it’s like yeah that makes sense but still hurts none the less. So about 2 weeks ago I decided it was time (also right after when I got written up and kicked my ass back into gear in my life in general) and started just by using Norm to count my calories. My weight was all over the place and would spike from 194lbs down to 189lbs overnight, then back up to 192lbs and I was like wtf. I knew it was probably water weight fluctuations and all of that but like come on, it’s not even going in a downward trend at this point. Then a couple days in, I started working out again. That was rough. My first workout back I did 3 leg exercises with what was normally my warmup weight (10lb dumbbells) and I couldn’t move for a day and a half (thankfully I was off those 2 days) and then was still excruciatingly sore for another 3 days after that. So then once I could kinda move my legs without wanting to die, I did arm day and It wasn’t nearly as bad. My strength is absolute shit but that’s to be expected when the most movement you’ve had is walking across the hall pretty much to the elevator and the few steps out the door to meet your ubereats driver then going back upstairs to be horizontal again. But this week I’ve been getting up each morning (even on my days off or later work days) at 5am and staying awake while I wait the 1.5 hours for my Vyvanse to kick in and watching youtube videos to gently wake up/stay awake, then I’ll have my green supplement drink thing and take my vitamins and prep my work meals/snacks for the day and get ready, then head down to the gym by like 8am, work out for up to an hour depending on time/energy levels, then shower and get ready and leave at 9am to get to work by 9:30am and sit in the parking lot and do my makeup instead of how I used to spend my mornings aka wake up late, take Vyvanse too late, suffer through barely being able to function while getting ready and not making meals and having to buy food that was never healthy then end up rushing there and panicking while trying to put makeup on while doing 90mph on the highway and having the shame of arriving like 30 minutes late AGAIN and having to face my boss/coworkers. Much better start to the day I must say lol. I’m feeling a lot more like me again too which is a nice change from being a shell of a human fighting just to survive another hour let alone another day. So I’ve been on point with my food for the last like almost 2 weeks and my weight is still all over the place and I'm like what the actual fuck. Then I’m like super drained and have no strength, overheat from just picking up a weight, am exhausted to the point where one day after a harder but not actually hard workout I literally HAD to lay down because I was so drained at like 2pm and couldn’t physically move the rest of the day, one day I was so bloated it was beyond painful and I had no idea why since I ate the same things I have been and never had any reaction to and it was so much worse than when I ate 10k calories of all the gluten and dairy in the form of sonic shakes/mcdonalds meals/etc, and I'm just like what the actual fuck is going on body??? Then out of nowhere I'm like wait... are those... no it couldn’t be.... CRAMPS???? then out of nowhere it began and I'm like woah woah woah I get stabbed in the stomach once every 3 months so this doesn’t happen wtf is going on? Then I'm like oh I did wait a month too long in between the last rounds so that's probably it. So that’s a thing and it’s fucking rude since now I need to go get supplies since I threw all mine out since I thought I didn't have to deal with this anymore. ugh. Oh and get this. I finally got my lab results back from my blood test at the lyme doctor. Turns out I have another new co infection of lyme that I now have to deal with and treat. Super excited for that. NOT. I was texting my person and I was like “guess who has a new co infection for her lyme that’s already tried to kill her and then ruin her life many times?” and he goes “oh of course you do because why would you ever be allowed to get better?” and I'm like oh I'm so glad someone understands me lol because that was my reaction when I found out. I’m like oh of course I do, why wouldn’t I? *insert eye roll but laughing to cover how I'm really feeling about it*. So yeah now I have to figure all of that out so that should be fun. At least now I have health insurance lol.

Okay last thing because I need to start my day since it’s already almost 9am and I'm still in bed. I went home for a week before Christmas since I wasn’t able to go home for actual Christmas and got to visit with family/friends. Everyone kept saying how much happier I seem and they could just feel how much happier I was since I moved and I'm like yup that is 100% correct. I got to spend time with dad’s side of the fam which was a lot of fun and reconnected with my sister for a much needed vent session on her part since it’s hard being 16 when you act like you’re 20 maturity wise and everyone else acts like they’re 16 and it’s countless amounts of drama and boys suck and girls suck and everyone sucks and college is looming and it’s a lot to deal with at once. So that was really nice to be able to sit down and be that big sister that she deserves and needs. I also went out to dinner with wifey and her family and re met her new man (since I was there for the brief moment when they first met then moved 2 days later lol) and had a blast. I really like him for her and think they're a great match and he’s gunna be around for a while if not forever and I’m a okay with that because he treats her like a queen and he is the male version of her to a scary point haha. Wifey was like attached to me the whole time I was there and it was so nice feeling so special and needed by her and the center of her attention for once. She wasn’t even drunk and was like almost crying when she realized that I flew home and made sure I was home for her birthday and how we’ve been friends for 15 years and never missed a birthday and god that meant so much to me I can’t even begin to put it into words. I was sad that was the only time I was going to be able to see her even though I made sure I kept Friday night open because it was her birthday weekend and this is her we’re talking about here but she didn’t seem to have any plans for it. Then her roomie pulled me aside and told me about a surprise party that her and the bf were planning for her so I was like ah that makes much more sense. So the day of I helped distract her via text and then went over and helped set up and brought booze because duh. The funny part was she was on the phone on speaker with the bf as I’m in the room with him helping him set up things and wasn’t allowed to make a sound so she wasn’t like wtf why are you two together???? That would not look good at all lol. Then she texted me saying how she and the roomie were going to go to his place to pregame then maybe out to a restaurant they love with a group of people so I'm like yes let’s do it. So I go over and give her her presents which were a big hit. A Friends show coffee table book that has a recap or whatever on every single episode (which was a big hit since it’s that show and it’s her but also because they went to a friends trivia night thing and she was saying how she wished she had something like that beforehand to brush up on things. That’s the wifey sixth sense kicking in haha), a cat calendar for her desk at work, fuzzy unicorn socks, and a couple other things since it was her birthday/Christmas present. She was like blown away at how in sync we were still despite not seeing each other for 6 months and life being crazy/not being able to talk as much. Then we finally go over to his place where we had set up the party room thing in his apartment building (same one an old friend lived in years ago where I pretty much lived so that was weird going back to to say the least) and she has NO idea at this point and I’m like this is amazing because normally she’d have figured it out weeks before now. As we’re walking into the party room to “meet up with him and his friends since they were having a drink over there” there's a glass two sided fireplace and she goes “wait... is that my sister??” and we’re like no, just keep going but she figured it out. She stops and goes wait, is this a surprise party....? And I'm like “just keep walking and smile” and we opened the curtains and it was indeed a surprise party. She was shocked and so happy and it made my heart melt to see her so happy. Then I was introduced to everyone as her “best friend/wife who moved to Nashville but flew back because in 15 years I’d never missed a birthday and not even all those miles between us would make me miss one” over and over again and it was so cute. It was like all of those years up putting up with some things that drove me insane that she did and all the times I was there for her but didn’t feel like I got that back from her was all worth it and she finally saw how good of a friend I really was to her all those years. Like she knew but I don't think she fully realized until that night and I just died in the best way that night.

One last thing - so one of my big bucket list things is to see a Luke concert in Nashville. Has been for over 10 years since I found him and then visited here. Well for Christmas my stepfather normally gives me tickets to a show and wasn't sure which one I wanted so was like just let me know and we’ll make something happen. So flash forward to a week ago, Luke announced his next album and his next tour. Now the last like few years I've checked and it hasn’t said Nashville and same with a few other big country people I love (FGL, Cole, etc) so I wasn’t holding my breath. Then as I’m scanning the list, I see it. It’s there. July 30th. Nissan Stadium. So I spaz out and text my mother the link to where to get the tickets and which show and say THIS ONE. So I text wifey freaking out because of it happening at all but also that could be our yearly Luke show and I wouldn’t wanna experience that with anyone else. So she’s like yes omg but remind me when it gets to like June and I'll see what I can do to get us tickets or whatever and I'm like okay.... Then I'm like fuck it I'm going to at least get us 2 tickets just in case her connection doesn’t work out or something or she can’t come because of work or whatever. Like nothing crazy just something good enough so that if she gets us better ones, that’s great, if not, at least I'm guaranteed to be there and see him. Then I find out there's a pre sale for his fan club people so I join for $40 for the year because duh. Then the day of the pre sale I’m like texting my mom freaking because the tickets are going fast. The pit was sold out in under 10 minutes so she’s like okay I'll send you money and you go buy them . I’m like okay got it. So I'm looking and I'm like oh there’s a VIP package, what's that? (go big or go home right?). It includes a 2 song acoustic set before the concert with only other VIP people so a smallish group and then a free copy of his CD, a free t shirt or something, and I'm like I want that. How much is it? So the pit tickets I wasn’t able to get were like $250 each I think but these were like $335 so I'm like #yolo #treatyoself and bought those. Well where are my seats you ask? Oh I don't know just on the floor THREE ROWS FROM CENTER STAGE. Needless to say I was a wreck while purchasing the tickets until I got my confirmation and then spazzed out and felt like it was all a dream once I got them. It’s still not real. Like I think like it’s hit me 1% now and will go from 1 to 100% the moment I step into the arena. So now I have 6 months to get my body looking the best it can because I refuse to go into a bucket list thing in a body i’m not proud of and worrying about how I'll look in the pictures since they’ll be around forever and I just want to go enjoy and not worry about feeling fat or whatever in any way shape or form. Plus I'm doing all the hair growth treatments from now until then to make my hair long again before then because it’s so much more me and I feel so much better with long hair. I refuse to let a single physical thing about me take away from the experience and yes I know that's an issue I need to work out with my brain but I don't have time for that before the concert. Plus this was exactly the kick in the ass/ goal I needed to get back on track and start taking care of myself again so hey I'm not mad. It doesn’t matter what the motivation as long as it works right? So yeah I'm counting down the seconds until that day and I refuse to let my food cravings get in the way of me feeling my best that day or anything else for that matter and I'm going to have another night I'll never forget. GOD I”M SO EXCITED I CAN”T EVEN.

Okay that’s it. I’m done and need to start my day. There’s more that I may or may not get to at some point soon but yeah. that's been my life the last few months. Still not sure on what my path in life is and still not fully settled here but it’s getting there and I know I’m on my way to fully building a life here that I love and makes me feel alive and like my true self and I can’t fucking wait.

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