#you have no idea how many connie shipping/fic/perv ideas i omitted

[aikainkauna]

Tumblr Goes Old Hollywood

Imagine if Tumblr fandom’s current loves were all of a sudden replaced by Old Hollywood equivalents of those actors/characters/shows/ships. IMAGINE.

-The Fred/Ginger shippers cosplaying by dancing until their toes bleed -The floods of letters to Universal asking why the “homophobes!!” haven’t made Basil Rathbone’s Holmes and Nigel Bruce’s Watson kiss on screen yet -Wild Valentino ravishment fantasy gets pulled from Ao3 to be published as worldwide BDSM bestseller -Your Fave is Problematic: Dracula, vs. the Lugosi uwu squad -The trials and tribulations of ScarlRhett shippers who are in denial about the ending but keep shipping anyway -Marx Brothers memes -Artistic gifsets with tasteful colour overlays "sorting" various horror film characters into their user-perceived occult schools, with tiny tiny lowercased captions you can’t read without a magnifying glass -Fanart of Anna May Wong doing kung fu, with novel-length quality fanfics expanding her characters far beyond the tiny niches they were given -Chaplin-themed moodboards with images of stray bowler hats, flowers and a jaunty cane, with snow effects and deeply insightful quote in the caption -Conrad Veidt’s niceness to fans and stupendous awesomehumanbeingness and his having played a relatable, hot, androgynous, magic-using villain ruins fangirls for normal guys forever @gofuckyourselfconradveidt #itsalwaysjaffar -xxx-hot-flappers-yzkj liked your post -Bette Davis/Joan Crawford enemyslash (tiny niche owned by middle-aged lesbians, all five fanfics are amazing) -Audio clip of Claude Rains reading the phone book, with 427,321 notes and screams of “UGH MY OVARIES!!!” in the tags -Hate essays on Michael Curtiz -Rebuttal of said essay by someone pointing out how stupendously slashy his films are, despite him being a dick -Straight Rock Hudson fangirls in deep denial -Fanwars over talkie remakes of silent classics–“They’re just cashing in and this Flynn guy is never going to be a Fairbanks no matter how hard he tried!!!” -Extensive gifsets of Flynn’s junk and trunk in tights (click link in caption for a Robin/Guy PWP) -Lady OCs all have bobbed haircuts with finger waves, smoky eyes and tiny mouths: -All fanart is drawn like this to the point where everyone is Betty Boop (Felix the Cat furry porn on the side) -Meanwhile in Germany, thoughtless fans show explicit fanart to actors: Anton Walbrook faints at a portrait of himself in a heterosexual embrace, plot twist in that Marlene Dietrich asks for a copy of that one where she stands triumphant in drag over a naked harem of various other actresses. Meanwhile, Conrad Veidt is equally flabbergasted by the straight *and* the gay fanart, loudly insisting he should be portrayed "doeng BOOOTH ov zemm at ze zame tiemm." -Sassy bitchy reaction gifs featuring Katharine Hepburn, Mae West, Barbara Stanwyck and Jean Harlow -Classic horror ships like Karlosi finally make it big time. Epic Gothic Romantic slash with full moons and bats and ectoplasm for lube. Dwight Frye and a young Vincent Price drop in for extra spooky orgy action -Scientific Fact Of The Day Laid Over A Photo Of Hedy Lamarr -Is It Gay Porn or Is It A Photo Of Cary Grant? quiz blog with strategically cropped images where you really can't tell the difference -Other themed blogs include yeahbogienohomo, xbettecryingbeautifullyx, jimmycagneysjaw, bazrattersbellyacting, 1esliehowardseyel4shes, bacallbrow, etc. -Wine mum macros with Kay Francis -Post with vivid and beautiful images of how great it would be to have an autumnal, melancholy Dietrich/Garbo femslash fic set in their old age; post has 1672 notes but nobody can be arsed to write it -Cheerful trolling from the Peter Lorre squad; his face appears on many a creepy ME GUSTA macro -Deep feminist/queer analysis on why the homme fatal archetype provides an escape from heteronormativity: “Valentino’s sexually ambiguous performance may SEEM on the surface to be representing masculine privilege and racism, but the deep Otherness of the Sheik speaks to deeper currents within the subtextual narrative; case in point–” -Warner Brothers baffled as the most beloved ship of Casablanca turns out to be not Rick/Ilsa but Rick/Louis. (Bonus: fandom is OUTRAGED to learn Claude Rains is, in fact, a huge ladies’ man and just enjoys playing characters as bi/gay for lols. Claude laughs all the way to the bank) -Absurdist Bob Hope quotes laid over pictures of cows becomes a successful, Zenlike meme, nobody actually knows WTF’s going on but reblogs them anyway so as to look like they get it and aren’t behind the times -Fuckyeahslashyswordfights -Blog of people posing like silent film actors, making silent acting faces -Omg That Gown By Adrian! -BUSTEROCALYPSE.