#you guys dont understand this is honestly huge for me im close to crying rn

[ash-etherwood]

guyyyysssss you wont believe how much i drew today i think im slowly getting back into it!!!!

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

omg hi im here to vent a lil 👉👈

YOU CAN TOTALLY IGNORE THIS AHAHA THIS IS HONESTLY JUST TO GET SOME FEELINGS OUT

stress is going whhooOOOOP from school hngndjg- lots of crying and pressure going on over there ewww (totally broke down on my way to krispy kremes BUT THATS OKAY!! isjdjdje literally couldn't breathe oop; also PLEASE talking to the cashier while there were tears under my mask KSJDIA)

gotta keep my gpa up, no matter whaaatttt

ALSO i got this decision i gotta make- ik if i dont choose this one option, imma regret it, but ill be very unhappy for another year or so. BUT THATS OKAY TOO :D

and i feel so unproductive irl :( i just cant bring myself to do work yk? i know how lazy im being, i tell myself to do work, but i still do nothing all day. and when the day's over, next thing you know, i did absolutely nothing and i totally beat myself up for not doing anything sdsjske- like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? WASTING TIME LIKE THIS?? the only thing im productive on is tumblr hehe

AHHKK AND I CANT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS- i cant bring myself to talk to my friends- they all think im this happy bubbly person and i dont wanna kill the mood :( i just joke around yk?? "oh haha i did nothing all dayyyy~ its great being meeeee" LMAO AND THEY LAUGH AND IM JUST DKDUEIEO

hnnngg i also think i MAY be falling for one of my close guy friends oop- hes prrreeetttyyy much the only person who has a slight idea of how im feeling- PLEASE WE TALK EVERY DAY AND WJDJFIHSOS my hearttt- dont wanna ruin our friendship tho so i gotta shut up hehe (OSJFIEIE NOT HIM TEXTING AS SOON AS I FINISHED WRITING THIS OMG)

anywayyysss other than that IM DOING GREAT

SORRY THIS ASK WAS LITERALLY ALL OVER THE PLACEEEE

ILYYYYYY MWAHHH

SORRY FOR DUMPING THIS ALL ON YOU 😭😭😭

oh no morosis it’s okay!! honestly just tell me whatever you need whenever, bc omg this sounds so difficult for you rn 😭

AND I THINK YOU VENT A LOT LIKE ME?? It’S LIKE YOU LOWKEY TURN IT INTO A JOKE BC YOU DON’T WANNA BURDEN tHE OTHER PERSON, BUT THEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY DYING INSIDE AND WHEN THEY DISMISS YOU YOU GET CONFUSED LIKE IS THAT JUST ME

anyways-

any no no productivity guilt is 10000 percent understandable! i get it a lot (yes, a lot bc yes-) and honestly, i’ve just learned to accept that it happened, but never dwell on it ever again. and if i do it again the next day? i pick myself up (it won’t be easy, but you got this!) and say that i’ll just do better tomorrow, and mean it. the reason why we procrastinate isn’t because we have poor time management skills, it’s because we’re subconsciously trying to avoid things that could cause us pain, so we choose to avoid it instead. but if you get rid of the thing that causes you the pain, or at least make it easier, then you’re more likely to get started. 

as someone who has adhd and procrastinates more than anything else, a huge huge tip would definitely be to start with something that you know you can’t fail. for instance, just start off with something as simple as pulling up that Google Doc, or opening up your assignment, or flipping to that page in your notebook! just do the bare minimum, and start off with that.

some other productivity tips that have seriously helped me are: 

1. listen to lofi music, and i MOST DEFINITELY recommend Avatar: The Last Airbender for that specific genre! that’s because i’m always hanging around in the fandom, but if i’m listening to something from it, it’s like i’m already subconsciously hanging around in the fandom while i’m doing the work. 

2. or listen to some haikyuu lofi music by Ambition lol-  

3. clean your fricken room, this took me 50 years to get-- clear room, clear mind!

4. Use the Pomodoro strategy! do 25 minutes of deep work, block all other sites, and then after take a five minute break. it’ll go 10x faster than it normally does if you don’t get started, and you can always find Study With Me videos on YouTube!

AND OOOOH LA LA A CUTE BOY??? dang girlie, idk how you fall in love with real people but i got so much respect for ya 😭😭 ALSO NO DON’T FEEL SORRY YOU MATTER TO ME AND I CARE ABOUT YOUUUUU ILY

[tommyshep]

OK I GOTTA RANT ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT BUT IM THROWING IT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG HERE (under the cut) SO YOU CAN IGNORE THIS I REALLY DONT CARE K THANKS

(update: its fucking LONG you really dont have to read it i swear. its just self pity and sadness hahahahhah)

ALRIGHT FELLOWS FIRST OFF im so fucking lonely yall, i met a guy recently tho (correction i knew them for a year and always thought they were out of my league and we have had mutual friends but rarely ever talked ourselves and then one day out of the blue they came up to me and hugged me and declared us friends??) but we were supposed to hang out this weekend and it was gonna be like the first time i hang out w a friend in foreverrrrrr but they had to cancel bc they got sick. i dont think they were purposefully trying to blow me off, but that happens to me a lot. i try to make plans so that i can get myself out of the house and then people cancel.

and my best friend (best is used loosely, more like the best friend i have but we’re not that close anymore and she has plenty of people she’s closer with) has a new best friend. i used to be able to go to her house all the time and just lay on the floor or whatever and that was our thing, but now i feel sorta weird around her cos we dont talk. like even if we hang out theres really no connection and i feel like a burden and shes always like “uh ya sure you can come over” and then i feel like shit. again its not her fault, but she was always someone i could just be myself around and now i feel like shes gone.

aaaaaand i have a bunch of online friends, some who i met on here and others who moved away and now this is the only way we can talk. but i feel like im ALWAYS the one to text them first. (this isnt about anyone on here btw!!) i have to start the conversation and thennn theyre like “omg i miss you so much we need to talk more!! how are things??“ and the whole conversation is just us catching up and then at some point they dont respond and then i message them again a few months later and it happens again. its not like i think they dont care about me, but they clearly have so much else going on just bc they have a life of their own and friends and school and all this that i dont have, so they dont think about me unless i text them. it gets exhausting always texting first and feeling like im forgotten about, especially cos i dont want to tell them that im feeling this way cos i dont want them to feel guilty since its not their fault.

ive tried to stay in contact with people from my old school, and at the beginning of the year i would go to every single concert and theater production that theyre all in. and they would do that thing where they tell me they missed me and we catch up. but what bugs me is that they always say “i dont see you enough, we should hang out!!” and im hear thinking, this IS my way of staying in touch with you. nobody asked me to come to this concert, i just put it on my calendar and showed up because i wanted to see you. they never return the favor or anything, which i understand that again they have friends and school and lots going on. i just feel so fucking lonely yknow? im going to prom with a guy next month as friends, but im not even looking forward to it anymore because we never talk so i dont even really care. my mom always tries to be like “what do you mean you dont have friends? youre going to prom in a few weeks!” and like, ive tried to hang out w this guy more but he always cancels or he doesnt have a car and it just hurts yknow.

and school is going shitty rn and i have a lot going on but i cant talk to ANYONE about it and wow i didnt realize i was this sad until i typed all this shit up. what the fuck.

i have all these great opportunities this summer where im going to meet new people but im so fucking scared cos i feel like i dont even know how to have friends. and the second someone is friendly with me i start envisioning us as best friends but then i remember that i cant keep friends so it all gets fucked up and i just want to have a normal social life.

i feel selfish saying it but even the people i do have as friends (the ones who i have to text first, etc.) i could honestly live without. i see/talk to them so rarely that its like whats the point. the times we do interact it takes so much emotional input on my part that it just brings me down. i want a friend group sooo bad. like three or four friends who i can hang out with, we’ll have a group chat that lasts more than a month, and we’ll do whatever fun shit friends get to do.

i keep telling myself that i’ll have friends once i go to college but thats in like a year and a half?? and i can just picture myself freaking out in the weeks leading up to school starting, thinking that i’ll never make friends in college. and people tell me im being stupid and that of course im going to make friends, but the past few years havent shown me that!!!

sorry yall im just really emotional and i have a TON pent up but i cant seem to cry anymore and i feel like im on the verge of tears but i Cant and it sucks. and school is stressing me out and i think i probably have adhd which is getting in the way of everything and i have a huge thing this weekend and im Not prepared but i cant seem to get myself to DO ANYTHING i just sit in bed all day and lie to my mom about my assignments and i want to die i have a 4 page paper due in the morning that i havent started and fjwawkfjweioafjeiwofjiwoa

((((((it probably doesnt seem like ti but this feels really good to get out. i just wish i could dooooooo something)))))))

[wheat-hands]

updates on my life! 

i’m working w 2 kids and have been for like 5 months now and it’s stressful sometimes but overall really enriching and rewarding and inspiring and teaching me so so much about how they learn and what they’re concerned with and their thought processes and it’s just rly nice (still stressful tho everyday i freak out and one of my kids has a worse affect on me and gets my blood pressure UP THERE cause i’m so anxious i’m doing something wrong and shes so sweet but i feel for the mom and im like im making shit worse i dont have the answer im sorry im just a kid lmao)

i’m still living at home but i’m not as anxious and i’m more open about shit w my parents and it’s nice to be a part of a family even if it’s not perfect... idk not much to be said here, they suck at pronouns and next year im gonna remind them again cause for the past 6 months theyve been like were getting used to it and the name is easier to get used to so first name then pronouns and also correcting us everytime makes us feel bad (honestly i understand where theyre coming from and they are trying but are getting lazy and dont correct themselves as much so i think a reminder of how much it means for me is needed) but theyre good kids or whatever

memes (my cat) is an angel and loves me more and more each day and i cry over her all the time she’s perfect and bratty and has started talking a bit more and god you guys she’s amazing, like i cant afford a dog rn or any other pets and shes just the light of my life shes so affectionate these days and im about it

i’m in love w my best friend and things are flirty and light yet deep and comfortable and i’m taking everything day by day and just letting the love in myself be honest and dreamy without the pressure and anxiety and i’m so enriched to have someone i can call a best friend who inspires me in every way and our friendship is so precious to me and i’m so patient with it and it nudges me to pour my love over into everyone around me like wowowowowowow ykno? i’m proud of both of us for how we communicate and read each other and sometimes i still have doubts about my ability to express shit but it’s not driving my thoughts and we r rly cute together i’m so thankful and proud of them for everything our relationship has been and has given us i god you guys i love them so fucking much its nestled in such a compassion for each other and i just dont doubt theyre love and their effort :’)

and also i have a crush on someone new and it tickles at my throat and makes me heart thrum and buzz and spark and literally just touching their earlobe made my breath catch in my throat and it’s nice to allow that in myself. i trust my actions and my respect of their boundaries and it’s hard for me to be sexual rn (not that that will happen probably) but physical intimacy and affection is like a cool salty breeze just when it was getting too hot, and makes me excited and relaxed even just to have a new friend that i feel connected and comfortable with and a soft flirting connection, idk… it took me by surprise and i feel like im gonna curse it but its cute llmao

i’m doing more art and creative outlets and rly rly rly rly rly wanna take a ceramics/pottery class so so so so fucking bad i feel like it’d be so fun and has so much opportunity for creativity and play and that’s just what i want rn!!! so i hope i pursue an opportunity for that soon, definitely a goal of mine come next year

i’m looking into grad school but not absolutely gunning for any way out of here like i was over the summer…. i miss school a lot a lot but i don’t know what’s in the cards for me yet… and i’m waiting for the dust in my heart to settle a little before i sit and plan out which is a nice change of pace for me but rn i am looking at tulane in new orleans or LA or possibly montreal or possibly like 17 other places lmao 👏🙃🙃🙃🙃

i have a wonderful trip to dreamy mountain towns planned for february and i’m begging for snow fall and to take myself around wherever my heart itches to go and stopping to visit friends along the way, and very excited to take my cameras and document it all… im such good company hahaha like a huge part of me wishes for someone else to tag a long but its not realistic and this is just something i need to do and planning it w someone else might stresss me out :/

i am gonna change my name soon and its not as scary as changing it from my birthname but its gonna be my legal name so thats spooky!

i don’t have a lot of folks close around me, and that’s okay, i have friends and connections in many places and i’m not trying to compete with an invisible self anymore that has someone to hang out with all the time and talks to people everyday, im me and enriching connections whenever possible but letting them take root and grow on their own when they tell me thats what they need

i’m just overall healing and growing rn and there’s still days when i hate every moment and everything i do but im good at noting when things are good and singing loud and dancing goofy and just feeling every fucking inch of my self without disgust or anguish

it’s not perfect…. but i’m so so so glad i’m still here to be told i’m so fucking loved, and make little girls smile and feel validated, and be an animals favorite person… to write letters to like everyone i know to pedal my little bike in the cold cold wind… i know all the reasons i never wanna die and all the reasons im still here

[fish-nibbler]

1-117 :3 *hugs*

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? There’s a lot of feelings hitting me right now.. but I at the same time I’m not feeling anything.. There’s just.. There’s a lot.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? From one person... yea

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? I’m not dating anyone rn.. and probably wont date anyone again bc im impossible to deal with.. but honestly I’d ask to join my partner

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Not anymore..

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Crying, cutting, and waiting for a response from someone bc i asked them if we could hangout sometime and what i would be a good time. I never got a response other than “yeah”

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? No one, I’m probably alone

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Probably just cry

8: Are you close with your dad? Eh..

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? No.. I wish I had.. But no.. 

10: What are you listening to? Just a YT video

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Some kind of alcohol so I can die faster

12: Do you like hickeys? fUCK give me all the hickies my neck is weak

13: What time do you go to bed? Whenever I run out of energy and pretty much pass out

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Yea.. myself

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Pff no

16: Do you always answer your texts? Mostly

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? Sometimes I think I do? But then I remember everything I did to them and then realize that everything was my fault and I’m just a huge fuck up.. so.. No.. I don’t hate her.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? I dont know

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? I used to have someone.. But.. I had forced her to stick around me and I made her miserable. 

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I surprisingly was thinking about Zady.. about the relationship I had with her.. and how much I fucked up.. I probably deserved everything I got from her and honestly I miss her.. pretty pathetic right?

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? No

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? Nope

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? Yes.. Yes I was..

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? Yeah... Desperately wish I could take everything back.. sometimes I think if 

25: In the past week, have you cried? Many times

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Teal

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? Everyone is

29: Do you have a best friend? 

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? God yes.. But I want to see her and talk to her.. But fuck I’m going to cry..

31: Who was your last call/text message from? my ex

32: Are you mad at anyone? just myself

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Kinda

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? I believe 18 in September

35: How many more days until your birthday? Well its in April so

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? No

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Not really..

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Kinda..

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Maybe

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? Depends..

42: Are you available? Yep.. I guess

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? Im still in high school

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Hmm... Maybe my brow? A tiny piercing

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? I’m trying.. But it’s hard.. She’s said she’ll be here if I need her but I’m just.. I’m making it impossible..

46: Do you regret anything? Everything. Especially not killing myself sooner.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? I want to die.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Mhm.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? Maybe..? I don’t know.. I don’t want to think it is.. But I kinda forced it.. So yea.. It was..

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Because she fucking hates me.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Yes. She’s seen me full on break down, multiple times, and had to hold me to calm me down.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? I try to.. again though I’m making it impossible..

53: What was the last thing you ate? pizza

54: Did you get any compliments today? nope

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? I don’t go on vacation.. but I’m hoping to go to RTX or another con sometime.. I just don’t have the money or anyone to go with..

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean.. yea

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? women

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Minnesota

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Never

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.. But I should.. I just don’t get invited out and no one likes me

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? no

62: Who do you text the most? -sigh-

63: What was the last movie you saw?

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? I don’t have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? no

67: Do you curse around your parents? no

68: Are you happy with where you live? no

69: Picture of yourself? mmm no

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Open-ended relationships are fine as long as communication is used. So, for example: if I were to date someone who did open-relationships I would prefer to know if they already had bfs or gfs just to know.

71: Have you ever been dumped? All of my relationships have ended with someone leaving me for someone else.

72: What do you most like about making out?  Everything

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? No.. Again.. People don’t like me

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? The other person

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? eyes

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? my ex

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? no - people dont like me

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? people dont like me

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? people dont like me

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? no - people dont like me

83: Do you miss your last sweetie? sweetie? you mean my last gf? i mean.. yea.. i miss her a lot.. she was the first person i could look at and actually know i loved her..

84: Last time you slow danced with someone? people dont like me - i’ve never done this

85: Have you ever ‘dated�� someone you’ve never met? people don’t like me and i dont fully understand the question

86: How can I win your heart? you cant. i dont have one

87: What is your astrological sign?

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

89: Do you cook?

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? YES

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

95: Are you a player? people dont like me - no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? people dont like me

97: Are you a tease?

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? no

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? god i thought i was.. she made me feel so.. alive i guess? but i’m a fuck up and i ruined everything and it doesn’t matter anymore.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? people don’t like me

101: Hugs or Kisses? both

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? 

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? i’m weak to women calling me ‘babe’

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? depends

106: Do you flirt a lot? no?

107: Your last kiss? 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? people dont like me

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? people dont like me

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? no one i guess.. not allowed to say my actual answer

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? no - people dont like me

112: Does someone like you currently? probably not - people dont like me

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? my ex

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? i honestly dont care anymore. it doesnt matter. im always dropped for someone else.

115: Ever made out with just a friend? no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? in a relationship.

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.