#you guys can pry the Marbit notebook au from my cold dead hands

[made-my-peace-with-all-the-bad]

Marbit as Notebook Songs but this time I was listening to It’s Not Easy

See, the problem now was that Marcia was back. She’d turned up on his doorstep and fuck, it was just as hard to deny her now as it was before. He’d brought her in, and it was like she never left. Immediately, every feeling, hope, and dream he’d had with her was coming back in full force. Because being with her made every bad thing that happened disappear.

Then they’d slept together. Shit. And the worst part was that it was amazing. And he’d do it over again a million times if given the choice. And yes, he knew Marcia had a fiancé. And yes, it was a really shitty thing to do. But god, he couldn’t even bring himself to care. Because that night was incredible. Even after, they just held each other close and kissed like they’d needed it to live. Like they needed each other. Then he’d messed up by telling her that he loved her. Because suddenly, the next morning, he saw her standing out on the porch, the porch he’d built for them, and she was leaving.

And yeah, he’d gotten upset. Because what they had wasn’t nothing and he couldn’t understand how she could just walk away like it didn’t matter. When he’d asked her what she was doing and why, she’d told him she didn’t know. So he tried again. This time he asked her what she wanted. Not what her parents expected, not what her fiancé wanted, not what society wanted, but what did she want? She just looked down and told him she didn’t know and that it wasn’t easy to figure out. And she might as well have punched him in the gut, because that hurt. It was when it hit him that the girl he’d originally known wasn’t there anymore. The girl who laughed loudly and smiled brightly while wrapped in his jacket because she got cold too easily wasn’t the woman standing in front of him. Or at least she wouldn’t show herself to him. What happened to that girl he wondered, why won’t she open up to him? They used to tell each other everything there was to know. Now she was running from him.

He tried to tell her. He tried to grab her hand and tell her he wanted every part of her. They’d make it work. Because he loved her and he wanted their lives to intertwine so far that they weren’t even distinguishable. He looked at her, fighting every tear that threatened to well up and spill over his eyes, and told her he wanted a life with her. They could do it. He wanted a life, he wanted every messy fight and every beautiful sunset. He wanted it all because it was her. He wanted to grow old with her in this house. The house he’d made for them even after she was gone.

As he watched her inch away slowly, he pretended his heart wasn’t being shattered. He’d just back away too and told her that if she wanted that too, all she needed to do was walk back up the stairs and come onto the porch. His arms were open and waiting. If she walked back up the stairs, she could collapse into the safety of everything that was Two Bit Mathews. But her head was filled with the voice of her parents telling her how disappointed they were and the voice of her fiancé telling her how heartbroken he was now. Everything bone in her body screamed at her to run back to the arms of the boy with messy curls and intricate tattoos, but she couldn’t get her feet to move. So she turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears that fell when he’d accepted she wasn’t coming. She bit the inside of her cheek to stop him from hearing the shaking breaths that would come out when she heard the last thing he said. Goodbye Marcia. This was it wasn’t it? She made her choice. He wouldn’t keep waiting.

Once she heard the screen door slam shut, she let herself collapse and start sobbing. Because she’d done it. She let him go and that hurt worse than any pain she’d ever felt in her life.