#you got this (again assuming you have an ED) xxxx

[maisjetaime]

Sorry if this is too much but what steps did you take to cure your ed? apart from therapy...unless you didn't see anyone. I'm unsure :/

Hey, i’m sorry for not replying to this one sooner…to be quite honest, my eating disorder is a subject that made me feel very uneasy for quite a while; but I thankfully turned a huge corner in the past few months and I feel more comfortable talking about my recovery process now. x

I became sick really young and I didn’t really have any support from my family or friends as I had pushed  everyone away in fear that they’d get sick too or that they’d try to stop me from “reaching my goal”…so we all kind of lived in denial until I decided, by myself, that I wanted to start recovering. I didn’t reach out to a therapist, or any other specialist, because the cost of them are not covered by my country’s public, or private insurance; therefore, I truly couldn’t afford one. Plus, I don’t think I was mentally ready to explore the root of my ED just yet as it would’ve been too much. 

My recovering process began with me acknowledging the fact that I was indeed anorexic and that my relationship with food was not normal. My first step was to make a list of all the foods that I was afraid of, and then making it my mission to eat them; even if it was just a few bites. I won’t lie, that whole process was incredibly difficult, but I felt stronger as time went by.

I think the most important thing is to surround yourself with positive, and encouraging people: both in real life, and online. Unfollow the pro-ana blogs, unfollow the fitness gurus (even if they’re not promoting unhealthy eating habits per se…your priority needs to be recovery, and although being fit is a nice goal, your ED will grasp onto it and mask itself under it…so unfollowing them is quite important) unfollow any blog, person, and influencer who self-depicts or spreads any type of negativity. You cannot allow yourself to be surrounded by that kind of energy, especially when you’re recovering. Only accept to be surrounded by people who encourage self-acceptance, self-love, and healthy lifestyles (both for the mind and the body). I know this is difficult because we cannot choose everyone in our life (i’m thinking of our family for example) but we can choose to block their access to us…or at least make it less frequent/easy. Also, the fact that we cannot choose our family is the reason why I think it’s absolutely crucial that we make sure to be surrounded by inspiring, soulful, and overall positive people online and in our friendships. 

The next step is to change the way you see food and realize that it is, first and foremost, fuel: for your body, your mind, and your soul. Let go of all the numbers, the calories, the grams, etc. those things truly don’t matter…even if they feel like the whole world revolves around them. Start seeing food as fuel, and shared memories with those you love. No matter how corny it sounds…it truly helps to start seeing it that way. My best friend and I (who I met at the beginning of my recovery) started cooking, and baking together. We would prepare meals for our friends and we’d bake cakes at 1AM only to eat it in my room. We would never talk about the sugar, the fat or the calories of it all…we would just enjoy it and whenever ED would creep in, i’d remind myself that I was living a moment, that would quickly become a memory, and that I was going to cherish it forever. It didn’t stop the ED from controlling me a bit, but it did help.  

It’s quite difficult for your body and your mind to reconnect after an ED as your body feels “betrayed” that you starved it. The hunger cues are out of whack and it’s easy to start binging, and essentially fall into another eating disorder. To be fully honest, that’s exactly what happened to me. I think that, looking back, I would’ve approached it differently and I would’ve had more of a ‘baby step’ approach rather than jumping into it and eating everything that I possibly could and falling into this pattern of excessively exercising to compensate for the huge amount of food that I was eating. So my advice would be to take it easy and to not punish yourself if you eat too much…it’s okay and it’s normal as your body is in full survival mode. 

As you start to gain weight, the ED thoughts are going to creep in a lot; but try your best to not listen to them. Donate your old clothes that no longer fit, and go thrift shopping for more. I actually saw this as an opportunity to re-invent my style and it really helped me get through it all. Don’t weight yourself, and don’t measure yourself…you don’t need to know those numbers. Actually, for a very long time, I told my doctor, and other medical professionals who needed to weigh me, that I didn’t want to know the numbers; and so i’d step on the scale with my back to it. It felt a little extra, but I knew that it’s what I needed to do to protect myself; and I’m glad I did it. I still don’t weigh myself to this day, and I don’t see myself doing it anytime soon.

This brings me to my last point: understand that recovery is not a linear process and that there will be bad days, and there will be good days. Don’t let the step backs discourage you from waking up the next morning and choosing recovery again. It’s a hard battle but it’s so worth it. I started recovering 6 years ago and I still have bad days once in a while..but it’s not nearly as bad as it used to be; and it keeps getting better as time advances and as I keep choosing recovery every morning. 

I’m sending so much love your way (assuming that you have an ED) and I truly hope that you get better as soon as possible 💘💘💘

[study-coffee-chicago]

For Halstead!Sister what about where she has a problem and doesn't want to go to her brothers so she go's to Hailey. would be cool to see the dynamic in their relationship

Here you go!

God, you were gonna be late. It was one of your last classes of the semester and you didn’t want to be late. The parking lot was packed and it was freezing. You wanted to get a spot as close to the road as you could so that you wouldn’t have to walk as far because it’s damn cold in Chicago in the winter.

There! You saw a spot!

You quickly put your car in reverse and then put it in drive.

The open spot was small, but your car was small, too. You could make it.

You started to pull in…

And then you heard a screeching sound of metal on metal.

Shit!

A million thoughts on what to do raced through your head.

You could just leave and go park somewhere else. It was a parking lot, how would the driver know? People’s cars get hit by strangers in parking lots all the time.

But, then again, people probably saw you. And, you knew most college kids would mind their own business because everyone had so much on their plate already, but you were still worried.

You assumed there were cameras facing the parking lot.

The person could easily go to the school and tell them what happened and then they’d get your license plate and you’d have to pay for damages…if there were any.

And then your car insurance would go up and you wanted to buy a new car soon and hitting someone else’s car in a parking lot didn’t look good for convincing Jay or Will to co-sign on a loan to get a new car…

Ugh, fuck! It was only a few hours into your day and it already fucking sucked.

Then you had another thought: Jay and Will.

How would they react?

Despite being a few years over the age of becoming a legal adult, they’d still probably be pissed at you. They wouldn’t take away your keys because you needed your car to get to work, but they would not be happy at all.

You pulled into another parking spot and found a piece of paper and a pencil in your glove compartment.

You were always taught to leave a note if you hit someone’s car and they weren’t there. That way, you wouldn’t be charged with a hit and run.

So, you scribbled down the following note:

Hey, I bumped your car a bit trying to pull into a spot. I don’t see any damages, but if you have any questions, feel free to call me at (XXX)-XXX-XXXX. Sorry!

~Y/N Halstead.

Then, you grabbed your backpack and coffee and got out of your car.

You made your way over to the car you hit and surveyed the car once more: you saw a scratch and you weren’t sure if that was there before or after. Besides, it was an old piece of shit blue car. You considered your car a piece of shit (but hey, it still got you from point A to point B) and knew that if someone hit your car in a parking lot and scratched it, you wouldn’t care to get it fixed because you wanted a new car soon and wouldn’t be able to justify getting a new paint job for that reason.

But again, you didn’t know whether or not the scratch was even from you.

You placed the note securely under their windshield wiper and then started walking to class.

You were gonna be late.

You should’ve just driven further down the parking lot and found a different spot. But, hindsight’s always 20/20.

As you were walking, you looked at your Venmo balance. If the person contacted you, you’d just ask if you could give them the $150 in there. (Will always Venmoe-ed you for dogsitting Kol and you never transferred the money to your bank account.) You’d make a private transaction, and Will and Jay would be none the wiser about what happened.

That is if you could keep your mouth shut about it.

***

You got in your car after your three classes and pulled out your phone. While walking back to your car, you checked to see if the car you hit and the note was still there. It was, so they hadn’t seen it yet.

“Hey, Y/N,” Hailey said when she picked it up.

“Hailey, please tell me you’re not with my brother right now,” you said immediately.

“Nope, just on my way back to the district alone. I just picked up food for everyone since we’re swamped in paperwork. Why?”

So, you explained (with a lot of nervous ramblings mixed in).

“Okay, you did the right thing,” Hailey told you. “Now you just need to wait. And, like you said, most college students understand that other college students don’t have a lot of money to burn. And, you said the car was old and junky, so that helps your case, too. Just, take a few deep breaths, come home, relax, and you’ll figure it out.”

“You won’t tell Jay will you?”

“Do you want me to tell him?”

“No!”

“Okay, then I won’t tell him,” Hailey agreed. “Now, you just need to go home and wait. I’d say if they don’t call you by 9-10 pm tonight then you have nothing to worry about.”

“Hopefully. Thanks, Hailey. I’m picking up some wine, too because this has been stressful.”

“Save me a glass.”

“Will do.”

Then, you pulled out of the parking lot and went to the grocery store and got your cheap, fruity wine.

Then, when you got home, you took some melatonin and took a nap because you knew there was no way you could focus on anything right now and the most productive thing to do would be to go to sleep.

***

You sighed in relief. The clock just hit 10:15 pm as Jay and Hailey walked inside.

You hadn’t heard anything from the person whose car you hit.

Hailey had texted you a few minutes ago and said you should be out of the woods.

You set out a glass of wine for Hailey on the counter and then just started drinking the rest from the bottle since you knew you’d finish it off.

You went and set the bottle on the counter.

“Hey, how was school?” Jay asked.

You rolled your eyes. You weren’t in elementary school anymore.

“College is college,” you replied. “Just glad to be done with the semester.”

“I bet.”

You never did tell Jay and Will what happened, and they never found out.

Thank God for Hailey letting you ramble and not telling Jay.

[v3nusaphr0d1t3]

doin’ that night thing

crossposted on ao3: <3 rating: explicit warnings: sex so much sex. just so much horny afab reader, gender neutral. reader is not described.

it was only so long before you texted the number. it was natural curiosity! the number might be hawks’! you let it marinate in your head. the little paper he slipped into his tip to you when you two met at the club that had his phone number sat on the coffee table. you stared at it for a while, eventually just deciding to text him.

you: hey, this is ____

you still used your stage name, since you had decided that you’d trade your real name for his. he replied surprisingly quickly (it was later on in the evening on a sunday so you assumed he was off), with only a couple minutes of anxiously making your way through your carousel of social media before you heard your text tone.

XXX-XXX-XXXX: heyyy. it’s hawks, what u up to?

you would not admit that your stomach did a little flip. this was genuinely his number, or at least you prayed it was. you added him to your contacts. 

you: off day, so i been sittin around. wyd?

birdie: i had patrol today but i’m off the next two days, thank fuck.

you: thats good, bet its stressful as hell to do what u do.

birdie: you sayin that out of consideration or you sayin it to kiss my ass?

you genuinely laughed out loud. you didn't expect him to be upfront, and you had expected to stroke his ego if you wanted into his pants, but it didn’t look like it would turn out that way.

you’d find out soon enough.

---

he said he was off for the next two days, monday and tuesday. you worked evening shift on monday and got out by 11 PM, so you got an idea.

you: pick me up from the club tonight? 11:30?

birdie: is this what i think it is?

you: i don’t know birdie, you tell me

he didn’t reply to that. it made you a bit nervous, but you weren’t gonna fret. if he didn’t come, you could just take the subway. that’s how you got there most nights, just like tonight. the train ride was bustling in the late afternoon, most people just getting off of work and heading home. you instead got off at your stop to walk the few blocks to the club, work bag slung over your shoulder and knife in your hand. the sun was starting to go down and you didn’t play games. being quirkless in this society was an inconvenience at best and at worst you could end up dead.

you went in the back way, readying yourself for your shift and freshening up. you put on your outfit you has chosen for today, did makeup, fixed your hair the best you could, and hyped yourself as well as a few of your coworkers up. eventually it was time for your set. you took a deep breath like you always did, grabbed your wipe you all used to clean the poles between each set, and stepped out onto the stage. and when you looked up at your audience, you met a pair of warm yellow eyes.

---

when you got off, you took a quick shower in one of the bathrooms in the back. you tried not to shower at the club when you had the choice, but being sweaty and covered in other’s people’s germs when you took hawks back to your house wasn’t at the top of your list of things to do. you dried your hair well enough when you got out, putting on some cute underwear that you had packed (because you had planned this in advance). you put on a regular t-shirt and jeans, making your way with your bag to the front of the club to look for hawks. you had your hand in your pocket on your switchblade as you surveyed the street and parking lot with your back to the club wall. you knew he was here, or you were going crazy. you saw him.

so intent on searching for a familiar figure in the parking lot across the street, you didn’t notice someone coming from your side. and when the hand fell on your shoulder, you reacted immediately, pulling your knife out and flicking it out, holding it out and steeling yourself.

instead, it was the stupid fucking bird with his hands up and an amused grin on his face. he looked casual like he did when you first interacted, just considerably less tipsy and more excited.

“god, jesus, you scared the shit out of me!” you put your knife away, sighing. hawks let out a little chuckle.

“sorry, sorry, i just thought you were paying attention to ALL of your surroundings. or maybe, since you were looking for someone…?” he trailed off, and you wanted to knock him upside the head. but you didn’t.

“you seem intent on NOT getting head tonight.” you joked, striking a chord as he spluttered.

“was that on the table? i take it back, i take it ba—” you cut him off with a flick to the nose.

“shut up and take me home already.” you chuckled gently, looking around for some sort of vehicle. and then it hit you.

“you… you didn’t drive here, did you?” you asked, sighing yet again, this time in annoyance at yourself for not remembering that this man had wings.

“no. no i did not.” he almost looked ashamed, if it weren’t for the shit-eating grin that split his face.

“and i’m guessing that you’re not driving me home, is that right?” you asked, letting him take your hand and pull you into the alley?

“where are we going?” your question went unanswered as he pulled you further away from where the people were. it made you a bit nervous, but when he suddenly pulled in close and scooped you up like you weighed nothing, you were in no state to protest. and then he shot himself AND you into the sky.

“where do you live, by the way?” you heard over the howling of the wind.

“you ass! its—” and you gave him your apartment building. you found that he smelled nice, from close proximity, and you made the very smart decision to bury your head in the crook of his neck rather than looking at the very far away ground. 

he touched the ground again on the rooftop of your building, and when you were put down you immediately shoved him.

“warn me! jesus,” you were genuinely mad for about twenty seconds, before bursting into laughter and moving to grab his shirt collar, pulling him into your first shared kiss. it was sweet, and a bit too soft considering that this was a hookup. he reciprocated almost immediately, coming up to cup the back of your neck. he tasted sweet. it was nice.

you grabbed his wrist, pulling him along and wrenching open the door to the roof. you found your way out of the staircase to the elevator (your building had way too many floors for that mess) and pressed the ‘down’ button. you waited for only a few moments before the doors opened with a ding and you dragged hawks in with you. you pressed the button for your floor, and when the doors closed you were on each other again, pressing him back against the wall of the elevator as you licked your way into his mouth.

it wasn’t only the elevator that made your stomach jump. it was the fact that this was the first person you had brought home in a while, and the fact that he was a hot ass pro hero who looked at you like you were the hottest person ever. it set you on fire, made your skin sing and lit you up from the inside. it was like being on stage but ten times better.

eventually you broke away when the elevator doors opened, and you grabbed his hand to pull him along. you approached your door, fumbling with your keys and getting your door unlocked. and the moment you were inside, like the MOMENT, he had you pinned against the door. the speed was almost hilarious if not ridiculously hot. 

he brought your lips together only briefly before pulling away to trail little nips and kisses down your jaw and neck. 

“don’t give me any hickeys, it’s bad for business.”

“i’ll pay for your shit.” he said nearly immediately, and the look he gave you was goddamn predatory. 

“i— okay.” you could only agree, because it felt too nice and that gaze was gorgeous.

and with that, he sucked a dark mark high on your neck, going on to make more.

and suddenly, your earlier promise came to mind.

“didn’t i promise you head?” you say with a pant as he bit down on the junction between your neck and shoulder.

“you mentioned it.” his shit-eating grin from earlier returned. you playfully pushed him away and grabbed his hand to lead him to your bedroom. it was humble but comfy, with your bed in the center of the room and the window cracked, letting in the sound of night traffic. your floor was high enough off the ground to not have to worry about the people below hearing you. you didn’t have a headboard to your bed, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that noise either. but you hoped that you could perhaps make a noise issue with the man you pushed to sit on the edge of your bed as you suck to your knees.

you tugged at his belt, undoing it as he watched you with his intense gaze. you unbuttoned his jeans and pull his pants and boxers down, observing his half-hard cock. you spit in your hand, giggling to yourself and hearing a giggle above you that got choked out as you wrapped your hand around him. you pumped him and leaned forward to take the tip in your mouth, twirling your tongue around it as you teased the slit. you heard his intake of breath and subsequent sigh as you sunk your mouth further down.

it was sizeable, and thick too. it made you clench around nothing as you worked your way up and down his shaft, to the point where the head was hitting the back of your throat. you tucked your thumb into your fist and breathed through your nose, putting your faith in that stupid little trick you heard as rumor from your stupid friends. it surprisingly worked, or at least it placebo-ed itself quite well, because you only gagged when hawks rolled his hips upward into the heat of your throat.

you pulled away to take a breath, looking up and meeting his apologetic expression. it was annoying that you thought that little thrust was hot. you steeled yourself again and went back to it, so the next time he ground upwards, you were prepared. he let out a groan, reaching up from where his hands were stabilizing himself on the bed to instead rest on the back of your head.

“fast learner, huh?” his little quip made you roll your eyes, but apparently he took that the wrong way, because he took a ragged breath.

“roll your eyes back again, s’hot.” you would scoff if you could, but you instead took another one of his little thrusts into your throat. his little whines were enough fuel to let him keep doing this, using your mouth like it was made for this.

“damn, baby, you’re perfect—” his words were more likely to make you blush than his actual cock in your throat. suddenly, he grabbed your head and pulled you off. you looked up in confusion.

“don’t wanna cum yet,” he murmured with a breathy chuckle. there was that little glint in his eyes again. the one that zeroed in on you like you were the only thing on his mind, like you were the most important thing in the world. it was frankly a bit frightening. that little primal part of your brain didn’t like the gaze much. but your much larger brain thought it was fuckin’ hot.

“your turn, get on the bed.” he said, standing up and shuffling out from under you to remove the majority of his clothes. you did the same, peeling off your shirt and jeans to reveal the cute underwear you had chosen. he watched you, whistling when he saw you wearing one of your g-strings. 

“keep that on, wanna pull it off with my teeth.” he said, casually, as if that wasn’t enough to make you clench around absolutely nothing. you made your way onto the bed, sitting up as he joined you, pushing you down to prop yourself up on your elbows. he leaned down to make good on his promise, catching one of the strings over your hips with his teeth and pulling them down your legs, pulling it off all the way and throwing it aside. you laughed a bit, matching his chuckle.

“now, lemme get a look at you,” he grabbed your thighs and pulled your legs apart to gaze at your dripping cunt. he bit his lip, leaning down immediately and licking a stripe over your folds with a flat tongue. he moved to suck on your clit, eliciting a moan from you as you felt your nerve endings catch fire, tingling all the way down your legs and up into your core. he moved to rub his tongue over your hole, teasing but never fully giving.

“hawks! c’mon, god— feels so good,” you were talking just to fill the silence, little murmurs threaded into barely legible sentences. he pulls away from you and you whine. you barely get time to be mortified with yourself before he says something shocking.

“you can call me keigo. just don’t tell anyone that shit, okay? you sound too good and i really want to hear my name from your pretty little mouth.” 

“i— i’m ____,” you practically gape for a minute, before giving him your own name. that was your deal, his name for yours.

“pleased to meet’cha, _____.” he joked and once again you barely had time to react when he leaned down to continue eating you out, swirling his tongue around your clit as he reached up to stroke a finger down your folds. once it was sufficiently wet (kinda gross) he slipped it inside you without much resistance, curling upwards a few times and pulling it out to repeat the process but with two fingers.

“keigo, shit! god, that’s fuckin’ great—” you babbled, the constant stimulation to the most sensitive place making your brain hazy. your eyes were closed without your realization, and once you did open them, you looked down on a gorgeous sight.

his head eyes were fucking immaculate. his golden eyes looked up at you like he wanted to own you, like he already owned you. by god, you wanted that. you wanted it bad. you wanted to do whatever it took to have this man keep looking at you. this was its own type of performance, and you feared it would be addictive. you ate up his gaze, the warmth it brought, like it was the air you needed to survive. with a knock of his now three fingers against that sensitive place deep in your core, you gasped, throwing your head back and breaking his gaze.

he was out-doing you. no one was allowed to out-do you. you decided the stretch was enough, and agonizingly shifted away from his criminal tongue. he gave you a confused look, but you guided him to lay back toward the edge of the bed, up on his elbows so his large wings would hang comfortably off the edge, and began to crawl over him. the fact that your legs were quivering was not one that was mentioned aloud, but it was definitely felt. you helped him roll a condom on and you matched eyes yet again as your plush thighs straddled his hips, grinding against his cock that was laid against his stomach. your smirk was telling as you leaned down to capture his mouth in a filthy, open-mouthed kiss. he was panting and flushed by the time you were done with him, leading down to leave playful nips on his neck and shoulders.

your grinding was incessant and reliefless, promising but never giving, and it was driving him mad. any time he would attempt to take the reigns, you would raise your hips, robbing him of any friction at all and making him whine. oh what a sound, it filled you with determination. you were going to put on a show, but you didn’t work for free. he would have to beg. but he was a stubborn ass and you’d have to work him up to it. he was already nearly there, gasping and breathless while his cock jumped against your heat. you held his wrists down so he couldn’t grab your hips, and you leaned down to look him in the eye with a shit-eating grin.

“you know what i want,” you said simply, your voice piercing and thick with lust.

“oh- oh really?” 

“what’s the magic word, keigo?” you asked, watching his pupils pin at the usage of his name. whether it be your tone, or the circular little grinds you were working with your hips, or your penetrating stare, something broke his pride.

“please— please, god, please, ____” his voice was whiney, as it made the simmering heat in your gut roar as you raised up off his cock and used your hand to position it, sinking back down and making a noise low in your throat. it took you a moment to adjust, with little cants of his hips smoothening the transition. but once you had accommodated to the stretch (and by god was there a stretch), you moved your hands to rest on his thighs and set to work. 

you raised yourself up and down, up and down, getting into a rhythm that left your thighs quaking and your core aching from the ceaseless abuse. it felt so fucking good. the sounds of skin slapping and both of your breathy noises filled the room, making you blush even more. the grinds he would meet you with when your hips came together nearly make you drool, mouth hanging open and panting quietly. once again, your eyes had closed by default, overwhelming pleasure making it hard to keep them open. 

but when he sat up, grabbing you by the waist and thrusting up hard into you, your eyes shot open to his gaze again, this time focusing on where his cock was disappearing into you over and over without stop. his wings were tensed, hiked up and spread, shaking slightly from the stimulation. the streetlamp poured light in from the window, casting a strange feathery silhouette all over your room. you gasped loudly as you felt your orgasm start to build up.

“please, god, keigo, don’t stop,” you moaned as he manhandled you to lay back on the bed and started plowing into you hard enough to make your mattress creak. you didn’t think you could ever fuck someone else like this. you couldn’t think at all, actually. you could feel yourself drooling like a dog, running down the corner of your mouth as you choked on air. his hands on your hips were like fire, and you were hot, hot, hot. you burned up under his gaze, under him. you could feel the pressure building, building, building— until you gushed all over his cock. and your sheets, for that matter. the feeling was insane and you were not mentally there enough to think of the consequences. your orgasm rolled over you right after that, hitting you like a train and making you clench down hard enough to trigger a chain reaction. you felt a warm blossom in your cunt as he shot into the condom, groaning roughly a mangled version of your name.

he slowed his momentum to small little grinds until you whined from overstimulation, belittled to noises and half-words. he pulled out and tied off the condom, dropping it into the trash by your bed and laying down next to you to catch his breath. you did the same, eventually catching the rest of your mind as well.

“that was probably the best sex i’ve had in my entire life, no lie.” you chuckled, voice still cracked and airy.

“we’re gonna have to change your sheets.” you looked down to see a soaked blanket beneath you and sigh in slight annoyance and embarrassment.

“i honestly didn’t know i could squirt. i’ve never done it before.” your chuckled elevated to a laugh, and he let out a bark of a laugh along with you.

“well, thanks for the prize money. now hop up, i’ll help you with laundry.”

[bleedingcoffee42]

Absent- Part 14

Prev parts

xxxx

“I'd like to help you.” Alternative Riza said.  “My focus was on flame alchemy.   I know I had to learn the basics but like you said, there was a lot of pressure to finish my studies before it was too late.   I learned enough to see what this is about and know it's outside my realm of understanding.  I'm sorry.”

The coin and paper felt so heavy in her hand now.   She thought that this would be the answer but it yielded nothing.   She came expecting a woman who was basically her father's shadow but instead she found a version of her that seemed functional and content.  

“I...know it seems like I was without a choice in the matter.”  The other Riza said and took a deep breath, as this was the first person she had ever been able to actually confide in.   “And at first I did it because I was afraid of the alternatives but after a while I tried to use it to understand him.  I thought that by learning alchemy and embracing his life's work as my own that maybe I could see why it was more important than me.   I guess a part of me thought that if I wasn't worth something before I might be worth more as an alchemist.   Like turning lead into gold.  Two elements so close but one worthless and one prized.”

“Did it work?”  Riza had to ask. Her father was the enigma she could never start to comprehend.

“No.”  The answer was so sad. “When I produced that first controlled flame....success came with fear.  There was no pride, there was no smile of triumph.   When he saw what his research had made, he told me I could never use it again.”

“I'm sorry.”  Riza wanted to tell her how proud she was of her, accomplishing something she didn't believe herself capable of.   Instead she knew it would be more effective to try to explain her father's reaction.  “He had effectively passed on his work and in doing so lost control over it. Without it he was nothing.   So he had to try to control how it was used.”

“I have very little use for it.” She shrugged and cocked her head.  “The other Flame Alchemist....how does he make the spark?   You said he is military, I assumed you meant a State Alchemist.  I'm sure he could tattoo his array on himself but he still needs a spark.”

“Gloves.”  Riza said and saw the other alchemist consider that.   “Ignition cloth gloves.    He snaps his fingers to make a spark and controls the oxygen in the air for targeting and flame intensity.   He has excellent control.”

“That's very...dramatic.”

Riza had to smile.   “There is a certain flair to Roy Mustang that is very unique to him.   He doesn't use flame alchemy much either, he is very careful to not show anyone exactly how powerful it is.”

“You're proud of him.”  

It was said as a statement of observation not jealousy and Riza had to smile.  “Very.”

“I hope you can save him.  I'm sorry I can't help you.”

“Thank you for hearing me out.   I am glad I came.”  She was being honest.   She feared coming here for so many reason but it felt like there was a burden lifted now.   She no longer had to worry about unearthing some long embedded issues tracing back to her childhood.   She could see her father for who he was and how she wasn't at fault.   She was just a kid and expecting herself to have done any different wasn't fair.   The woman she was today would have stood up to him, but as a child she didn't know any better.   Hindsight was always a lot clearer.  

“You should give alchemy a try.  I think you might find it's a lot easier if you look at it like you're shooting.    How you let all the peripherals fade out and just hone in on one target and nothing else exists in that moment.   You calculate the distance and wind speed and know your weapon, it all comes with practice.   I had to come to that by myself because I just couldn't focus on the energy and all the elements at play until I looked at it that way.   That's your comprehension.   Your deconstruction is the pull of the trigger and the releasing of the energy, from the impact on the primer to the ignition of powder...to the propulsion of the projectile.  Reconstruction is the collecting the bullet and harvesting the meat.  Transforming it into life once again by making it food.   It's hard to let go of everything and just focus on that target...but you have to see it and nothing else.  That target is your transmutation circle.   You just need to keep thinking about all those elements at play before pulling your trigger.   But follow through with it, stay steady and maintain focus on the object until you see it impact and then go process it and complete the cycle. “

That was actually incredibly helpful. She had never thought of alchemy like that.   Not that it would do much good now, but if she survived this she might ask Roy to show her something.   Just to see if she could.   He would transform in to that enthusiastic teenager again and, success or failure, that would be worth it.   She felt like she owned this other version of her a parting gift as well.   “You should give the  world outside of Frenau a try.   I know it has it's problems and it's hard to trust people, but there are good people out there.   People who will be better for knowing you and make you feel valued.   You have a grandfather in East City, General Grumman.  He's a goofy... somewhat inappropriate old man but he is family.   He will welcome you with open arms, no questions asked.   He'll also tell you about your Mom and....breathe some life into some vague memories.  He'll be proud of you.  Trust me.”

“I....well, thank you.”  the woman replied somewhat surprised.   She hadn't heard that name in years but the idea that she could learn more about her mother was enticing.  

With that Riza put the coin and paper in her pocket,  pet the dog one last time and let herself out.   She walked back to the car and tried to think of anyone else she could go to for help, but there was nobody better than Roy, Ed and Al for this task.   They were working on it for her and if she had the answers anywhere in her head, than it would come from them.   Her skepticism about her own ability was probably blocking her alternative self from having the answers.  

Hayate was still sitting in the passenger seat when she came back.  She opened the door and signaled for him to get out so he could pee, making sure she pet him for being a good boy before he hopped down and got out of the car.   She sat down in the drivers seat and got her gun back out and reattached it to her belt.   Then she grabbed her uniform off the back seat and put it on.    That done, she sat back and stared at the remains of her childhood home and tried to not give up hope.   This was becoming like a nightmare where she was frozen in place and couldn't run away from the terror following her.   She just wanted to get home but the key in her hand was not something she could use.

She was startled out of her thoughts as her dog jumped into her lap.   He usually waited to be told to get in but he must have sensed she needed some comfort.   In  an instant he was standing on her shoulders and looking for a hug and she relaxed and cuddled him.   He always knew when she needed some support and a distraction.   She closed her eyes and hugged her dog and tried to not think about him having to comfort Roy like this in the event of her demise.