#you coukd have just had the first one NOT end with them getting married

[billgenbrough]

I can make AUs that you've never dreamed of, sweetheart

[devcted]

ever since she stepped foot into this school her life had become one fucked up situation after the other and she's not so sure it's going to end anytime soon. a basilisk being released in the school, taking her friend and paralyzing her, waking up with no memory for what happened after the attack and survivors guilt in her chest. she could've died and maybe part of her wishes she would've died at least she wouldnt have to see what happens next.

she never imagined it would get worse from a basilisk attack but not only finding out your entire life is a lie and the man you thought was your father isn't but it's instead your new favorite professor who was not only in love with your mom but a werewolf who you inherited it from? it's overwhelming and she felt like she was going crazy and it didn't help that the wolf made everything feel so much more intense including the good feelings. the truth is she could never die, or even want to truly change her life in any way because then she never would've met regulus black. he was the first person she ever really met from hogwarts, right on the train when they shared a cabin. he let her talk of creatures and she told him all about what she knew of dragons because he seemed to be interested in them. bee she developed a crush on him quickly, wanting to know everything about him and be near him all the time even though she knew she could never really have him in the way she wants.

he came from a life of beauty and luxury, his path was set for him early on, right down to the perfect girl he would marry and carry on the bloodline of the blacks family legacy. bee was just a person, her family wasn't rich in fact they struggled a lot of the time. she didn't have fancy blood or a lot to offer, all she really had was her love and loyalty something she was willing to offer regulus regardless of the way he feels about her in the end. like when everyone seemed to be against him and his brother after siruis apparently escaped azkaban, they called him a murderer and a racist, a monster andbdhebsaw the way it hurt regulus so she offered to he his friend, a shoulder to lean on in the dark days even despite her own family drama happening right in front of her. she hasn't told cedric of the whole werewolf thing and she hadn't written her parents since she found out about remus and though remus tried his best to help bee cope with the changes she was going through it had been hard, to get close...to trust, it felt like the only person she coukd lean on was regulus but she couldn't even tell him about the monster inside of her. she just got close to him and she wasn't about to ruin it over this.

so for months it was just her and her dad, he gave her the shack as a safe place, not only for others but for her as well, so she could collect her feelings when she needed to and also have a place to rest for awhile before returning to the castle as it was all a lot to process and the night before was the same nightmare, remus promising to come check on her the second he could before going through that agonizing change, feeling like her bones were cracking and breaking as her eyes become gold and her auburn curls shift into a fur coat.

she never remembers what happens during these nights but she's sure it's all for the best, one morning she woke up and she's pretty sure she was covered in some kind of animals blood, turns out vegetarianism doesn't translate into a feral wolf, though the love for flowers seems to bevause that's where she finds herself most mornings, in a small patch of flowers, at least therrbess something pleasant to smell when she wakes up in the mornings but this morning would be different.

she was half asleep but she feels the cover being placed on top of her, making her shift a little as she tries curling into the warmth. a down side to changing was the fact the fur coat went with the wolf and she was left naked and freezing each morning. however, her senses haven't totally worn off just yet because the jacket doesn't smell like her father...though the familiar scent makes her heart race almost as quickly as her eyes open when she feels his touch.

it couldn't be...she thinks as she focused her tired eyes but his sweet voice was hard to deny, almost as much as his green eyes looking down at her. "regulus?" she says in almost disbelief. "what are you doing here?" she knows what he's doing here, he didn't exactly hesitate to tell her but she's still in shock, she didn't exactly plan for him to find out this way, certainly not when he looks so gorgeous and shes nsked snd covered in god knows what...shit, shes naked. she sits up a little fast making herself feel dizzy as she tries to figure out what to say or even do. processing the fact remus was even involved in letting a student go out into the forest to search for a werewolf. she holds the robe up, gripping it with her hand as blue eyes do everything they can to look down. "I'm almost scared to ask you how you found out..." she sighs. "I was kind of hoping it would wait when I didn't look like a freak show at least." she's embarrassed and exhausted, sad even. what does he think of her now? her blue eyes flicker up at him again and it makes her ache more, seeing how handsome he looks even before the sun has fully come up to greet them.

on sunday he leaves the castle at dawn, carrying some clothes and water in his bag as he crosses the courtyard. he made sure to pack a sweater and a jacket as well as a set of his slytherin robes, wanting to find bee and at least keep her warm and covered enough to make it to a building. he had been watching her the past two months, noticing she was always missing at breakfast on days after the full moon. what’s more than that, she’d shared with him that the new professor remus lupin is her biological father, who also disappeared on days of the moon. it doesn’t take long to notice the pattern, particularly because regulus is a little obsessed with her.

she may not know it but bee is the love of his life, someone he’s been pining for since he met her at the start of first year when they were just fifteen. even just meeting her, he’d never felt those feelings before, like he was looking at a shining star just listening to her speak about what she loved. she inspired him, not just because of her enthusiasm and interest in creatures but also her beauty. it seemed unrealistic that someone could be so gorgeous, with the prettiest face and smile he’d ever seen. he was told from a young age that he would be sorted into slytherin and sit with the pureblood families, witches and wizards who had been prominent for centuries. he never anticipated befriending a hufflepuff, especially not when his cousin draco had spoken so ill of them, repeating what lucius had told him about the house. he even joked about just leaving hogwarts if he was sorted into hufflepuff, which regulus ignored. his own father orion had said at least hufflepuffs were hard-workers, citing gryffindor as the worst house because of the house’s history of siding against ‘their culture’ and the way they valued the old ways.

regulus knows how wrong that is now, after he watched people attacked and almost killed last year when the chamber of secrets was opened. it was all in the name of blood supremacy, even draco saying that he hoped hermione granger was the ‘mudblood’ to die. tension was high and it was the first time regulus really saw the full extent of what pureblood supremacy could cause, many of the people around him repeating that muggleborns deserved to be killed. regulus realizes he’s a fool now for ever thinking that there was a way to remove muggleborns from their society without killing them. but lord voldemort made it seem like it would be possible at first, seeming as if he had answers about keeping their kind safe and powerful enough to defend themselves so the witch hunts didn’t drive them to near extinction again.

but everything changed when bee was paralyzed, being attacked by the basilisk as it targeted hermione, who was the muggleborn it wanted. realizing bee could’ve died, it angered him that his family seemed to make excuses for the chamber. it almost ruined his relationship with draco until he became quiet on the matter after bee’s attack, seeming to actually agree that all of it had gone too far. he never really believed draco wanted hermione dead to begin with, knowing his cousin well enough to deduce that draco wouldn’t ever actually harm someone or truly wish that on them. instead he was all talk, trying to please lucius to an extent that even regulus didn’t reach with orion.

he starts to hate lucius and even his parents to an extent, finding that his entire world view is being destroyed as bee’s petrified body sits in the infirmary. but then came the summer, when he finally witnessed voldemort kill innocent muggles, claiming it was time for everyone to become comfortable with what they have to do to fully seize power and help him get a new body. they then had to wach him re-animate the corpses for the purpose of adding to his inferi army. 

even with months passed, regulus still has nightmares about the deaths he’d seen. voldemort seems to sense his confusion and anger, asking if he could use kreacher to secure a horcrux defense. knowing he was unable to say no and that it was a test of loyalty, regulus agreed reluctantly.

what regulus doesn’t anticipate is kreacher being left to die, barely making it back to him in one piece. it makes him angry more than anything, that he was betrayed in more ways than one, made out to be a complete fool. he was lied to and pressured from all sides, and all it had gotten him was more trauma and the near loss of the girl he loves as well as kreacher, someone he loves like family.

so he works on the decoy locket, wanting to return to the cave and retrieve the real one so he can destroy it and consequentially kill voldemort before he’s even able to get his new body. he hides his mark, trying to get through the school year, but something that made it undoubtedly worse was his brother’s recent escape from azkaban. neither of his parents would ever talk very much about their first son (whose image was burned off of the family tree), but from what his mother said regulus had always thought sirius was the same as andromeda, disavowing the family beliefs for blood purity. it doesn’t make sense, then, that he was secretly a supporter of lord voldemort, killing thirteen muggles in broad daylight. despite this, voldemort has never spoken of it and regulus was taught not to ask questions, so he didn’t.

all he knows is there are rumors that his brother is insane and could be doing anything now that he’s on the loose. it’s been difficult, particularly because he was already struggling with hating himself for what happened to kreacher and how his family had led him down this path (presumably the same one sirius wound up on, even when he tried to resist). the only person who spoke against the rumors was bee, even writing him a sweet letter with gifts attached. if he wasn’t already in love with her (he was), he would’ve fallen for her right then, reading her words over and over each night for comfort. he even wrote his own love letter back, leaving it unsigned. he hasn’t gathered the courage to send it, knowing how big his words are and how wrong it is to pursue her to begin with when he can’t be honest about who he is. what would she say, if she saw his mark? what would happen to her, if his plan with voldemort went wrong? and even more than all of that, what if she didn’t feel the same way?

none of those fears matter when it comes to their friendship, though, and all he wants to do when he learns of her lycanthropy is to help her. he goes to talk to her father, making him aware that he’ll be searching for her this morning and not to look for her himself. he even confessed how he feels about her so that remus knew he was serious, convincing him surprisingly easily that he could handle this. he’s not afraid of bee’s lycanthropy and he would gladly take it on himself if it meant showing her that someone cares for her and has her back always. he would do anything for the girl who showed him a glimpse of her bright world, making things a little less grim and serious in his. it was only because of her that he felt safe to pursue his own passion more, reading about creatures and particularly dragons when he wasn’t supposed to because of his mother. he’s not sure how to thank her for making him want to fight and actually survive the war that’s coming, and even doing this doesn’t seem to be enough.

but he traipses through the courtyard, finally reaching the entrance to the forbidden forest. he pulls his scarf more tightly around him, adjusting it so it isn’t caught beneath his dark brown jacket, one of his favorite ones that’s a tweed material. it’s silly that he cares about his appearance when he’s looking for his friend who’s probably disheveled after being a werewolf right now, but he already knows she’s going to be beautiful and take his breath away completely.

he finds her in a patch of flowers in a clearing, laying there with no clothes on, dirt smeared across her body. he flushes, feeling warmth spread through him at the sight of her naked curves, beautiful skin and hips and breasts. he tries to avert his eyes as he approaches but it’s difficult not to look at all of her when he has to look at her face too. it feels especially strange because she’s still passed out, her eyes shut and her pretty face almost peaceful looking. she has no idea that he's looking at her right now, or that he had planned to come out here at all.

he takes off his bag, placing it in the grass. starting to tug the clothing out, he grabs his robe first, stepping forward to lay it across her body and cover her with it. then he gently touches her shoulder, his voice quiet as he tries to wake her. “bee… wake up. i told professor lupin i was going to help you today.”  / @devcted

[bepoets]

Review for Trish’s Dream Fic

Trish ( @couragedontdesertme  ) said she’d write an epilogue of the elsarik dream Fic if I made a Formal Review of the elsarik dream fic. So here we are.

Please note review should be taken VERY LIGHTLY this is more or less me re-reading the Fic and loudly yelling about things with too many exclamation points. Enjoy Trish.

Ch1

First of all imagine my fucking surprise I didn’t even know you had gotten work done on the dream fic???? Here I was thinking the link you sent me was the next chapter of city of ice and then I click on it and it saYS DREAM FIC???? E X C U S E M E oh my goodness

The first section is just so entirely domestic and beautiful and you can tell how lived in and content they are in their life as roommates. ALARIK (listen my phone autocorrects ALARIK to be in all caps and I’m too lazy to fix it so y’all are gonna have to deal with reading ALARIK’s name as if I’m yelling it every time I type it) anyway ALARIK just bringing her the chocolate croissants she loves so dearly and Elsa curling up with a book and him fretting and worrying over her being there alone all day and later... it’s just SO DOMESTIC. it’s such a small short moment but it’s so domestic and a perfect opposite of the PAIN THAT HAPPENS AFTER!!! And we al know I LOVE READING PAIN

The fact that ALARIK was only home late because he was doing tutoring to earn more money to by Elsa A PRESENT????? Shut up no one speak to me that’s true love but also PAINFUL the guilt he must feel oh my god

Elsa...stops struggling... because she doesn’t want ,,,, ALARIK ,,,, to get hurt. Because she cares for his safety more than her own because he has protected her and he is her friend and she loves him I am going to SCREAM

The fact that you use the phrase ~marching her out of the warmth of the room~ when she just used her magic to like cover the walls in frost makes my Heart burst cause idk if it was intentional or not but I just love the thought that this room has become Home to her it’s become safe and beautiful and lovely and WARM because it is full of love and friendship and companionship rather than the cold loneliness of say her ice palace of her locked room as a child. I like to think Elsa could have covered the room entirely in ice and snow and frost and it would still feel warm to her because of the love that’s developed there thank you for coming to my tedtalk

Ugh fuck hans

I have literally no words other than fuck hans for any section with hans in it I DONT even want to RECOGNIZE THAT HE EXISTS !!! Making Elsa feel like she’s nothing I am going to punch him in the eye

~ALARIK weeps over smushed chocolate croissant. End scene~

I know that it’s such a heartbreaking sad ending for that first chapter but also I really can’t stop laughing about him crying over a stepped on croissant since I know that your like planning note for that last scene was literally just some variant of ALARIK cried over a smushed croissant and that’s just such a funny IMAGE TO ME EVEN THOUGH ITS SAD

I just like to imagine ALARIK cradling the chocolate croissant in his arms like a bébé as he sobs

Ch2

I’m fucking S A D

ALARIK having like NO MONEY and just thinking about that the money he has was going to go to a gift for Elsa and the guard LAUGHING AT HIM LIKE THATS IT THATS ALL YOU HAVE?? Like shut UP HES TRYING TO SAVE HIS BELOVED

P e t t y c h a n g e HE IS TRYING MR GUARD I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW HE WORKED EXTRA TO GET THAT MONEY

ALARIK is so fucking DEVOTED I’m going to run through a goddamn wall I cannot cope. Willing to sell the clothes off his back have you ever seen an idiot more iN LOVE

ALARIK just going willingly cause he has no fight left in him and he just wants to see Elsa even if it means he gets imprisoned too oh my GOD

THE SCENE ITS THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!

STRAIGHT FROM TRISH’S SUBCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT STARTED IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

ALARIK wanting to hold her hands when her hands are what are chained up and seen as dangerous and what ~make her a witch~ the absolute love and power that holds.

LET ALARIK AND ELSA HOLD HANDS

“I promised to keep you safe” the pain I feel oh mY GOD

“They’ll KILL you” they’re really out here trying to protect each other at all costs oh my god nothing matters more to the other than keeping the other safe and for that I want to cry and love them and also I want to ram their heads into the wall because wHY WONT THEY JUST PROTECT ESCH OTHER TOGETHER

The PARALLEL OH MY FUCKING GOD

the P A R A L L E L of ALARIK stilling and no longer struggling when the guards threaten Elsa’s death in the same way that Elsa stilled and stopped struggling when they threatened ALARIK’s death oh my god that broke me right there

U g h hans fuck that guy

A N N A !!!!!!!!

When I first read this,,, I DONT know why??? But for some reason??? I didn’t think Anna would be in it???? Which like thinking back on that it makes no sense of COURSE Anna would be in the FIC why would I ever think otherwise. But anyway I was so surprised when she showed up I literally gasped and went ANNA??? Out loud because I was so shocked

ALFAFA GERANIUM

ALARIK really is just so bad under pressure who thought this was a good idea

AG FOR SHORT wink wink nudge nudge cough cough

I’ll be thinking about ALARIK shouting alfafa geranium on my death bed let us never forget

“No harm, no foul” is literally the most fucking Anna line I’ve ever heard. She absolutely would say that to someone who was being question for a crime she’d be like “it’s not biggy”

Why is it that when hans says “BUT ANNA!!!” I hear it like he’s wining like a petulant child I read it like “bUT annNNAAAAA” ugh I hate him

“Don’t scream” *ALARIK’s inner monologue* “this ,, is the story of how I died”

ILL HELP YOU HELP HER ESCAPE!!!!! HELL YEA YOU WILL ANNA HELL YEA YOU WILL

Ch3

My dumbass really went “why are none of the children named neta” before remembering that is the child of Anna and Kristoff and these...are the children of Anna ,,, and .... ugh please don’t make me say his name

I would die for these kids though I love them and I want to protect them at all costs 

Johannes at 5 (and a half!!!!) being a fine soldier GOOD FOR HIM

Isak owns my entire heart from the moment he started fake crying for his mother what a star performer a true Actor he’s too good

Arendellian Royal Guards, are they guards? Or are they simply baby sitters? The world may never know

JOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the babies being named JOAN!!! Hang in there Joan!!!!!!!!! That made me cry oh my god J O A N

Bébé Isak lookout supreme with his big eyeballs and smile and goofy lil salute I love him

The fact that Elsa says she felt stupid for being lured into a false sense of security means she felt secure and safe for literally the first time since she was a child when she was with ALARIK and I cannot properly articulate how much that made me cry I love that so much that has to mean sO MUCH TO HER oh my god

“You have to get out!! Do the magic!!” NO ONE SPEAK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS LINE FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I LITERALLY WEPT

the use of DO THE MAGIC oh my god AND ELSAS HEART LIKE BREAKING BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CANT

DO ! THE ! MAGIC !

Brave little boy with his mother’s determination saying “be brave. That’s what mama said to tell you” oh my GOD THESE CHILDREN HAVE MY WHOLE HEART OH MY GOD

A rooster crow for the signal COUKD they be more obvious I love these kids they’re ridiculous they are truly the children of Anna

Elsa!!! Chose!! To be!!! Brave!!!

IF SHE TRIED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELSA!!! SHE MAY NEVER LET GO!!!

SHE HAD NO WHERE TO GO!!! BUT SHE DOES BEVAUSE THERES ALARIK WAITING FOR HER BECAUSE GUESS WHAT

ALARIK IS HER HOME !!!!! HE IS HER HOME !!!! SHE CAN GO TO HIM!!!!

Queue another one of my shocked and delightfully surprised screams as I shouted KRISTOFF????? Because blonde dude driving a reindeer cart

Let’s get you somewhere safe I’m going to cry THEYRE finally together again and they can keep each other safe together as. They. Should.

They are cuddling and my heart is exploding oh my god ALARIK seems so surprised like you big dumb idiot you’re both in love with each other it’s a mutual thing get with the program

SLEEP ELSA! ITS GOING TO BE OKAY! AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PROBABLY FOREVER! IT WILL BE!

Ch4

*queue another gasp* there’s only one bed?????

Yea I saw it coming yea I was just as shocked even so yea I got very excited about it wHAT DID YOU EXPECT

They’re cUDDLING and he went to move away and she DOESNT WANT HIM TO they could’ve been sharing a bed THIS WHOLE TIME AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

ALARIK laying all the credit on kristoff and the kids when he’s kind of the one that steamrolled the whole plan into happening because he’s the one who showed up ALARIK please give yourself more credit

“You came back” “of course I came back... I couldnt ...” “why?” And then ALARIK refusing to meet her eyes has me absolutely weeping this is the kind of shit I THRIVE ON this is truly a gift to us all everyone say thank you Trish for these three bits of dialogue I will be thinking about them for all my days

ELSA KISSED HIM!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I do lose my shit anytime Elsa is the one to make the first move you go girl you go

THE SPICE VENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bringing in all my favorites I am going to cry thank you Trish I love Darius

I SUPPOSE YOU TWO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MARRIED

listen I SCREAMED WHEN HE SAID THAT I SQUAWKED!!!! MARRIED!!!!!!

I had been observing you two and just assumed!!!!! You would assume right mr spice vendor sir if they WERENT so stupid for so long it’s okay we understand

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ??? And Elsa says MARRY US? And ALARIK is going to PASS THE FUCK OUT

He literally got to finally kiss the woman he’s in love with for the first time last night and now they’re getting married poor boy is going to get WHIPLASH from how fast things are progressing but it’s okay im sure he is happy

Elsa’s little vows of just needing each other and keeping each other safe and keeping company and not needing gold or silver ugh TRUE LOVE

And ALARIK hopelessly devoted to her being like I PROMISE

“just you being there no matter what is enough” peak romance true love the devotion the dedication I’m a wreck

LE SMOOCH! LE MARRIAGE! INCREDIBLE I LOVE THEM

~end review~

Okay where is my epilogue please and thank you

[hughiecampbelle]

Memories (Steve Rogers Drabble)

Character/s: Steve, Bucky mention

Word Count: 639

Inspired By: Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish

A/N: It's been a while since I've written for fun, hope it's not too bad! 💜

He promised he wouldn't come back for you, made him, forced him to. James never said he wouldn't tell him. He didn't know, had no idea. You could feel it, watching him, his eyes shift, blame broke him. Lived with so much guilt, how much more could he carry?

They told you it wasn't really love. Reassured you, at one point it used to be. It used to breathe and thrive and live, but no one could ever love you like this, not like this. Deformed. Damaged. Dangerous. No one could ever love a weapon. Bullets and bombs could not be hugged. They used him against you. A great weakness, fantastic motivator to obey orders and do as you were told. Rewards came through those eyes, the image of his jaw tightening, clenching. Always under their watch. Visiting an old friend. Your old friend.

It's been years. Erased so many times. The people around you aged. Wrinkles, grey hairs, all the things you'd looked forward to with him. Til death do you part, the both of you granted more time than you deserved, wanted, most apart. You couldn't wait for that day. The first line in his face, imprinted from smiling, from laughing. Took him as he was. Small, but mighty. Driven to serve his country, to be a good husband. Married, though not technically. Forever fiancés. He wanted to wait, after the war ended. Somehow it never did, not for you.

No family. Hydra had James. Missing in action. Steve preserved. Dead. It was only you. No one else on your side. A perfect candidate. Your mind cleaned, left empty and polished, shiny. Their soldier became a success, why not do it twice? Make it better the second time around? So, that's what they did.

To this day you still ached for him. Wipe, rinse, repeat. Everything reminded you of him. Unavoidable. The blonde man you were sent to kill. His blue eyes not as startling. How he and the guards carried themselves, so proudly. Heads held high. Identical sleepy smiles when the drugs kicked in. Words, phrases, mannerisms. They tried, but he was everywhere.

In another life you could have been together. A real couple with a real future. A sweet house full of all the things you couldn't have now. He came looking for you, not long after. Wherever he went, he found nothing more than what he thought of you. Ashes. Long gone. Burned away. All of those from your past together, you couldn't blame him for thinking your story ended far earlier, in the past. James came, too. There were others. A new family. Not replacements, just more to love. Good, he needed it.

Always a step ahead to your relief. You could handle this, had been for a while. Not him. Not again. Drilled into your head, maybe. Or, the build up of self doubt and hatred. Either way, this was no way to face him. Before, there wasn't this sense. A terrible feeling inside Steve would be dissapointed. In himself, in you, the list was endless. Someone he'd been ready to marry was unrecognizable. How coukd one face change so much without actually aging?

You couldn't tell him how proud of him you are, how badly you want him - the both of them - to move on, to stop looking fir you. In every crowded street, train, through every open window, expecting you show up as he had: weaoon in hand. Too easy. There was no way they'd let you get away. One gone, too much of a risk to let you near them, so you settled for the screens, the pictures, old videos. At least then you didn't have to see him now, hanging on to the ring he was going to propose with as soon as the war ended.

[kurakurarisu]

i'm dizzy and sleep-deprived and ridig high on my first glasses of alchohol in like a year but i had dinner eith my real biological dad tongiht. it was the first time i've seen him in person in nine years and i have 

I JUST FUCKING REALIZED I FORGOY TO TAKE A PICTURE OF US. FUCK

anywaje here's everything i can remember about this night so i can remember it fir all time

he was super late fot some reason, we talked about meeting at 9:30 and he ended up being an hour late

i was super nervous about meeting him so i didn't get any sleep the night before so by the time we were actually going to meet i was ready to drop dead i was so freakin sleepy

 when the taxi pulled up to the hotel we were meetig at he was standing waiting i got out and he immediately hugged me. he held me super tight

in the beginning we were obviously still fihuring out how to talk to each other so it was a little awkward but honestly not even half as awkward as i was fearing it would be

he took me to a french restaurant and he asked me i've ever eaten at one before and i said no so he said he would help me order 

he honestly looked like.. a mafia boss's relative or something. like he wasn't as imposing as a mafia boss but hedefinitely looked like h could've been part of the boss's family. he had salt n pepper hair, it was mostly white nesr the front, a tiny hit of belly and slim arms and legs. and he had a cigar

hr asked me how i was doing three times

he asked me what i wanted to know and i asked about my grandparents and appsrently my grandfather died last year :( on november 2016.  i was really fucking sad abiut that but apparently he made it to 94 years old which is pretty impressive

my grandmother is still alive. my dad is the 2nd oldest in a family of six, i have 3 unvles and 2 aunts and one of them has twins

my dad works as secind in command at a hotel, assistant general manager? he's been taking jobs in various coub0ntries trying to find a hotel where he can be promoted to general managef. he's worked in libya, ruwais, oman, saudi and here in the uae

he started as a busboy

he can speak fluent arabic and french!!! :( 

he used to swim a lot which is!! i've been wanting to learn how to swim for a while, i told him i didn't know how and that i could only float and he made a face and laughed

he ordered white wine, i forgot the name :( he thought me how to drink it, first you have to smell it, then you sip and keep in it in your tongue for a while

the food was.. delicious he ordered us both seafood bisque and i had the softest chicken breast of my life

what else. he asked about life at home cause i messaged him 2 weeks ago? asking if i coukd stay with hin cause i got kicked out. i couldn't really explain that very well, i didn't want to tell him what specifically we fought about that made them tell me to leave

he gave me a lot of life advice and advice on how to get a job and encouragement in general. he said it'd be easier to apply for custome service jobs in hotels and then work my way uo to admin by taking the hotel training courses

he said he wanted to become a general manager to secure a better future cause no one was going to take care of him in his old age :((( i have to do something about that

i told him i'm trying to kearn japanese cause i want to move to japan someday. he seemed really su4ptised cause i only ever talked about wanting to go to canada. i asked him where he wanted to retire and he daid he wants to open a restaurant in los angeles and then retire there cause he's been there before and one of his brothers lives there with his family?

he never had other kids and never thought about marrying anyone after splitting with my mom he said maybe because he was still in love with her

he likes to read history books and knows how to cook a littke

the restaurant he took me to is one he used to take my mom to when they were dating :(

nearing the end of the meal, he was sitting in his his seat turned a littke sideways and he lit uo his cigar, i was on my third glass of wine and the silence was very comfortabkr

we kept chatting til we finished the bottle, it was 12:30 and we were the only people left at the restaurant. 

before we left we hugged for a long time outside the hotel entrance, then he ealked me to the taxi stand

and that's it!! 

[mynameisbroken-blog]

17 Years Old

I dated a lot. Four relationships are important enough to me to mention. Two of them might not have happened during this year, but I don't remember exactly when they were, just that they were around this time.

The first one, a high school senior I'll call Justin. He is who I lost my virginity to. I had lied to him and told him I wasn't a virgin because I was embarrassed and he was so I wasn't worried about him realising I had zero experience. We were friends-with-benefits.

The second one, a boy I'll call Nick. We dated for a little bit, he was someone I kind of got obsessed with. He convinced me that we coukd run away and get married if I was pregnant with his kid. He tried to purposely get me pregnant multiple times, luckily, I never did. We sent each other nudes and one day, his phone or tablet got discovered by his mom and she was livid. But only with me. He had apparently deleted nudes and messages that he sent off his device so it looked like only I was sending them. Unprovoked. I ended up breaking up with him. He furthered the narrative that I was sex-obsessed by telling people he broke up with me because I forced him to have sex with me and to try to get me pregnant and that he didn't enjoy our sex life and I was incredibly dirty-minded. This got me a LOT of unwanted sexual advances from older male students that now looked at me as a sex doll. Nobody believed me.

The third one, a boy I'll call Alex. I was definitely obsessed with Alex, and if you're reading this and recognise yourself, just know that I'm so, so incredibly sorry for harassing you. I fell for Alex hard and fast. We had met in theatre, like Adam, but Alex was a Freshman so he didn't know about all the awful stuff. He liked and cared about me for me and not all the bullshit floating around. He also hated rumours. It was fresh and it felt good. We didn't ever actually end up dating, though. I tried so hard to get him to want to be with me. He had to reject me more than once, but he was such a good person that he still remained friends with me despite my harassment. I really wish I could have realised how good a friend he was before he was out of my life because I think I really did just need a good friend. Which was something he actually told me when I asked him why he didn't want to be with me. I should have listened.

The fourth one, a girl I'll call Hannah. I was friends with Hannah for a couple years by now, but we weren't super close or anything. After I finally decided to give up on Alex, I tried replacing my affection for him, with affection for Hannah. We started dating, but it was a very, very short relationship because I wrote a letter to her (I wrote letters to people to get my feelings out, but never gave them to the person) that said I loved her and someone saw it and told her about it. She told me she thought I was getting to attached, too quickly. I lied and told her I never wrote anything about loving her, but she didn't change her mind. We're still friends now, but it's much better and healthier this way.

Besides those relationships, I also ran away from home at 17. I moved in with a drug-addict I was friends with and started doing drugs myself. I lied to everyone and told them that I was kicked out, not that I ran away. I've still not gone home, and honestly, while I miss my mother, I'm happier not living with my grandmother. To put it in perspective, she once tried to legitimately stab me with a screwdriver because I wanted to take a break from practicing an instrument and my grandfather (bless him) had to hold her back while my mother ushered me downstairs.

I became obsessed with two other boys as well. Let's call them...Andrew and Luke.

My obsession with Luke lasted multiple years. I was constantly flirting with him, asking him if he liked me, asking him why when he told me he didn't. I was handsy, and tried to kiss him multiple times. My obsession with Luke was the least healthy situation I had out of all of them. I feel incredibly disgusting for having been like that. I sexually assulted and harassed Luke many times. He never shut me down, so I just kept doing it. I knew it wasn't something he was 100% comfortable with, and I still just kept doing it. Luke, we met in guitar, if you recognise yourself, I'm so sorry. Genuinely. I know it might not help anything at all, but I'm sorry.

Andrew, on the other hand, played me hard. He was a drug addict and got me addicted to hard drugs. Including meth and cocaine. He also got me addicted to cigarettes, which is the one I still can't kick, and alcohol. I was in love with Andrew. He knew this and used that to his advantage until there was nothing left to squeeze out and then just kept on using it. He cheated on me, cheated on other girls with me, and dumped me by himself more than the amount of people I dated all together. I also cheated on a girl with him and ended up dumping her without telling the truth because I really did care for her and didn't want her to feel like it was her fault, and I knew she would because that's just how she was. While I was living between Andrew and a mutual friend, I ended up dropping out of school because he had as well and, stupid me, he seemed to be doing fine without it.

I ended up becoming a drug dealer at some point for a short time. Just for weed, but still. I actually thought, through my drug-induced delusions, that Andrew was a good life model. There was a point where he convinced me to "give a chance" to his not-blood-related brother a try because he wasn't going to be with me and I got angry so I had sex with his not-blood-related brother in his bed, which is a big no-no. His NBR brother also ended up not using a condom in an attempt to get me pregnant so he could force me into a relationship, but luckily I didn't get pregnant.

Side Note: I'm fairly certain I'm infertile, but don't know for sure because I've never been to a gynecologist and can't afford to even now.