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thefangirlslair · 6 years ago

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PERPETUAL WINTER (A Sasusaku Fanfiction) Part II

Note: It’s finally here. Wow, the last time I updated this was last May. Time flies so fast. Thank you to everyone who patiently waited for this. I hope this is okay. I don’t know if I did a decent job in making their emotions real but let me know please. Thank you! Their whole conversation wasn’t really the way I planned it. But it just happened as I was writing it, like it has a mind of its own. I hope it was okay. I’ve been anxious about this ever since I typed the first word. Aaah! So yeah, here you go. I hope I finish the whole PW series before this year ends. Thank you again for reading! Xo

PS. Been listening to a lot of sad songs while I wrote this so I included some songs. But I was listening to Back to You by Alex & Sierra and I got emo. Lol. This is also up on my ffnet!

Excerpt: "Can I kiss you?"

Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widen in shock. Her breath comes in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none. But if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one.

Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."

Sasusaku Pairing (10,304 words)

(Disclaimer: The lyrics aren't mine but from the writers of the songs I used. See author's note at the end. I feel so fucking horrible right now so I haven't reread this since I finished it. So I'm sorry for the typos and such.)

A Poor Attempt at Writing Fics

SasuSaku Edition X

Perpetual Winter Part 2

"When will we ever be truly happy?"

A quiet hum was the reply from the other line, his mother probably contemplating about what to say to him. He didn't mean to be this vulnerable but this is his mother, the only person he could trust with his whole life. More than his best friend, of course.

Few seconds passed and he heard Mikoto say, "Maybe when we accept that things aren't always meant to be."

He sighed, looking outside while leaning back on his first-class seat inside the plane headed to New York. The sky is a bit dull, thanks to the winter of the upcoming Christmas.

"Yeah," he quietly agreed. "Maybe then."

He heard his mother sigh in return and asked, "Did you at least talk to your father before you leave?"

He closed his eyes and thought about his talk with his father earlier, "We're okay now. He called me while I was with Itachi."

At the mention of his brother's name, he's sure he heard a quiet hitch in his mother's voice when she spoke. "I can't believe it's been 10 years. Time flies so fast."

10 years since Itachi died and yesterday was the anniversary. He went to Itachi's grave and stayed there for hours, talking to his dead aniki once in a while and just thinking about everything. Before he went home, his father called him.

There's no question that he loves his father, but they just don't get along really well ever since he was a child. Their relationship was forever scarred when he agreed to the heir position. He thought, and probably his father as well, that their father and son connection was truly lost.. until yesterday when Fugaku called him.

He couldn't even remember the last time they talked on the phone, or the last time he heard Fugaku as a father, not as the Uchiha patriarch.

"I'm not proud of most things," Sasuke remembered his father say. "I've done things I regret and will forever haunt me. But if there's one thing I'm proud of.."

He held his breath as he waited for his father to continue. Then he heard his emotionless father in a strong but cracked-on-the-edges voice, "It's the two of you. I'm proud of your brother, and I'm proud of you Sasuke."

If he could cry by then, he would've cried. But there are no tears left to cry now for his last tears were already shed years ago. But nonetheless, he felt his heart ache because of his father.

His father added, "I'm sorry. For everything."

It's nothing new, this ache that's been living in the beating organ of his body for so long now. His heart will always ache because of his family. Most of the time, it's in a painful way, but not this time. This ache is the kind you feel when you know something heavy is being lifted from you. Sasuke sighed.

"Tou-san," he whispered through the phone, and looked down at Itachi's grave. The snow lightly falling around him touching the stone and his hair.

He heard Fugaku softly gasps on the other line, definitely shook by his address. But then later replied, "Yes, Sasuke?"

He smiled softly, feeling the air around him shifts as if comforting him. Nii-san, he thought by then.

"Thank you," he sincerely said. "And I'm sorry, too."

Looking back from yesterday as he opened his eyes to reality, he felt warm. He said to his mother, "Yeah, it is."

Mikoto asked, "When are you coming back?"

"Just in time for the Christmas ball. I have to be there," he said gruffly. He heard his mother laugh softly.

"Will you bring a date?", Mikoto asked in a teasing voice.

He snorted, "You know I don't do that, right?"

Mikoto sighed. 9 years have passed since her son broke down that December night, following the shattering of Sasuke's heart. She will never forget that night. She knew as she held him on the floor sobbing his heart out that it would take an awfully long time to heal, but not this long. Her son is 29 now — driven but tired, strong-willed but fragile, loved but lonely.

"Do you have at least any plans? You can even bring just a friend, you know that," Mikoto pushed.

There was an announcement that the door of the plane is closed and now ready to take off. All electronic devices should be turned off and Sasuke exhaled inwardly for he has avoided his mother's prying. Mikoto also heard the announcement and nearly rolled her eyes.

"I need to go. I'll call you when I get there," he said to Mikoto.

"Okay, son. Take care. Don't overwork yourself," concern and love evident from her voice. Sasuke smiled gently.

"Aa. You too."

Sasuke finally turned off his phone and waited for the plane to take off. He thought about what his mother implied earlier. Bring a friend?, he thought. As if I have a lot to choose from. I only have Naruto and-

He sighed. That "friend" is definitely unavailable. She's probably off somewhere in America where she's happily living her life with her husband. The last time they met, she was newly engaged. He didn't bother to know how she's been doing for the past 3 years. He didn't want to risk the longing he might feel. Only God knows he does.

But he remembers that it was winter, as it always been for the both of them. Green eyes across from him, pink hair blowing in the cold wind, red lips on his skin — he remembers it all.

As the plane drifts, so does he — where the memory of their last reunion lives.

3 years ago

Love is just a state of mind.

This was his mantra every single day since the day he left Japan. Yes, there were doubts, but he strengthens his resolve every damn day when he wakes up. He remembered saying it to himself yesterday, and even earlier when he woke up. He always tells himself that maybe it's just all in his head now — that he already moved past every shit he went through, that he's not stuck loving the same person for only god knows how long; the same person he broke in front of him that first snowfall of that year's winter and he's now reunited with, wearing that smile and that fucking ring.

'Love is just a state of mind', he repeated for the second time today as he watched her talk outside. 'You actually don't love her anymore. You're just nostalgic of the memories. You're just being dumb.'

The little jolt of pain from his chest says otherwise. He's been telling himself that line since he went to study business the following year when they broke up. But today, Haruno Sakura managed to put all Uchiha Sasuke's progress he worked hard for more than 2000 days in just less than an hour within her orbit. She's so lethal.

'Love is just a state of mind, my ass.'

He watched her talk animatedly outside the café. In her rush to talk to that 'Neji-kun', she mumbled a quick 'excuse me' to Sasuke and forgot to bring at least her scarf outside. Sasuke watched as she repeatedly hunch her shoulders to her neck and run her gloveless tiny hand on her arm.

And even though he saw how her hand holding the phone shake a little because of the cold, he could also see the happiness radiating from her smile and the brightness of her jade eyes even from where he's sitting.

It stings a little, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Not when she looks that way — not his anymore, but still so beautiful.

Timing is a funny thing. Once you thought you're over it, one pink-haired beacon of spring will bloom in your eternal winter and blow all your progress into next week. What a woman. He will never find anyone better.

Sasuke fought with himself to look away from her and when he did, he looked at the chair that she occupied a few minutes before she went outside. It reminded him of a time when sitting across from her bright eyes and even brighter smile once annoyed the hell out of him. Not because he hates it but because he's started to like it; he even craved for it.

Innocent coffee hang-out as they do algebra, group study with some of Naruto's friends for an upcoming english quiz, spontaneous pizza parlor visits after watching movies — all of them ending up across from each other. Never beside her, no. Always across, right there in front of him, as if saying 'look at me'. She never did say it, but he looked nonetheless.

Always.

Sasuke was pulled back to reality when he felt a tap on his shoulder as she moved towards her recently vacant seat, "Hey, sorry about that. Someone just checked in if I'm still alive or not."

She said it so lightly that someone might think she's only talking about the weather. He wanted to point out her ring finger and wordlessly ask if the caller was the same person who gave her that ridiculously huge piece of shit, ('she was never the flashy type. she hates the offending thing,' he thought) but he didn't. He just nodded and sipped his coffee that's as bitter as the taste of the truth is.

"It's fine," he added quietly.

He watched as she shivered on her seat as she takes a bite out of her muffin. "So," she drawls on. "How have you been?"

'So it begins.'

"Good. Business is doing great. Economy is booming as ever. Foreign investors are st-"

"Oh c'mon, Sasuke," she interrupted. "I'm asking about you, not your company or Japan's economic state."

He paused for a second to look at his coffee and say, "There's nothing to say."

Sakura actually snorted out loud for that, something that she did a lot when they were younger. "6 years and nothing happened to you? Only your business? Oh please, you know I know shit about business and all that."

That made him smile a little, "You know a lot more than you think. You're the smartest person I know."

A look of surprise and something he couldn't put a finger on flashed in her green eyes, and for a moment he thought she would blush like she always did when he pays her a compliment. Instead, she answered back steadily.

"Thank you. But still, I'm more on the medical field than your corporate expertise. I want to know about you."

It's making him frustrated. There was a time when he could catch her off guard and make her blush like crazy that makes him go crazy himself. Now, the woman sitting in front of him is so hard to read and so poised and feels so unattainable that even Uchiha Sasuke, the Uchiha Sasuke, feels inferior.

He swallowed the slight insecurity that suddenly gnaws at his bones for talking to this newest version of Haruno Sakura. She looks different; she sounds different. He now wonders if she smells, feels and tastes different too. He halted his thoughts before it goes worse.

He leaned back on his seat and shrugged a little, "I'm okay. Busy as always. I rarely have free time like this one."

She offered a small smile, "I bet. How's Colonel Mustard?"

He smirked at that, "Still grumpy and lazy as hell."

"How does he look like now? Do you have any pictures of him? I wanna see," she exclaimed with a tiny hint of excitement. How could he stand a chance to that face?

'You're hopeless, aren't you?', his own thoughts mocked him.

Sasuke took out his phone and scrolled down to his photo gallery. When he saw the picture of his cat taken by his blond idiot best friend, he tossed it to her and she caught it as naturally as a pro. He hid a smile.

As she scrolled away, he asked her back. "How are you?"

She briefly looked at him just then and answered distractedly, "I'm fine. I'm still pursuing my medical career and it's all good. Hard, but I think I can manage."

'Of course, no doubt about that,' he silently praised.

"I'm not so homebody anymore so I got a few friends. I got them when I started to attend a music class because I wanted to learn piano. I could play it really well now," she added. A hint of pride could be heard in her voice. "Oh, and guitar too. I didn't know th- oh!"

He heard the coo from his companion and silently watched her smile and comment on how his pet seemed to be weirder than before.

"All of his positions are so weird and funny," she said, her fingers covering her lips as she laughs. "And I guess Naruto can't be a photographer even if he wanted to. These photos are terrible."

He smothered a chuckle, "You know he's an idiot at everything." He paused for a moment and asked her, "How did you know it was the dobe who took it?"

She gave him a look that says 'Really? You're asking me?' and he immediately knew. Do you honestly think Uchiha Sasuke likes taking pictures of his cat? Hell no.

'You're so predicable, Uchiha. You think you're so sly, aren't you? Look at you now, asshole.'

Sakura returned her eyes to his phone, still browsing for his cat's terrible photos, until he saw her flinch a little and stopped scrolling. His brain automatically went from zero to 100mph and racked itself for what could've made her act like that. He's also annoyed that he noticed her flinch. It's because he's staring at her. Idiot.

She finally raised her eyes to meet his and said, "I guess you still kept it, huh?"

She brought his phone back to him and his eyes fell to what was displayed on it. Sasuke fought a shiver inside him because he immediately knew what she was talking about. He regrets that he decided to save it instead of ignoring it.

It was taken maybe 4 or 5 years ago in his apartment in London where he was studying business, and was recently sent by Naruto ('#flashbackfriday when your cat was still a bitch and you were still a workaholic ass. oh wait, you still are!', the blond captioned) through text. The photo was simple — Naruto taking a selfie with his cheeky grin, Colonel Mustard obviously scratching and struggling on the blond's arm as they lounge on Sasuke's room, and Sasuke in the background typing with his one hand and holding a cup of coffee on the other.

He didn't know Naruto was taking ridiculous selfies with his pet, but he did know that his best friend has this annoying habit of barging into his house and his room without a care. He already gave up scolding him.

But the one that made Sakura flinch and Sasuke's heart clench was the tiny and a bit blurry object on Sasuke's bedside table in the background — a frame with their picture together when they started dating. The said frame is currently in a box hidden somewhere in his old bedroom in their family house. He hasn't seen it in years. But seeing it now after so many years through a selfie photo of his best friend made him relive the said picture.

It's the only thing he kept from all the physical reminders of what once was. He was aware that it wasn't good, that he shouldn't have kept it on his bedside table and see it every time he wakes up. But it's the only thing he could look at without hurting much, because it reminded him of a good and innocent time. And with the life he had after their break-up, lonely and bleak and just plain cold, that picture gives him a hint of warmth and spring.

Or maybe he's just a masochistic son of a bitch.

It was a picture of them on Christmas Eve, the first one they shared as a couple, with them only just a few days of being official. You can say they were drunk — with liquor, with each other, with love. They weren't wearing fancy clothes nor inside a fancy house in a fancy party. They're in Naruto's apartment with a couple of their high school classmates, sweaty and lit and inebriated, counting down the seconds to Christmas.

Both their faces aren't shown in the picture, but you'll know it was them. Sasuke was facing away from the camera wearing a plain black t-shirt; his wide shoulders, blue-black hair peeking through his cap, and tall height as a give-away to his identity. The slight curve of his arm indicates that he was holding onto something. Or someone, rather.

Around his torso was a pair of arms, coming from a petite form that's obviously standing at his front. Then there is something peeking from his shoulder. The only things you can see are her bright pink hair, and her equally bright green eyes staring straight through the camera. You can tell she's smiling even if you can't see her mouth.

His face was sideways, so anybody would see the slight curl of his lips partially hidden through pastel strands of Sakura's hair. Throngs of people and their red plastic cups with confettis falling around are all a massive blur in the background. The only clear picture was the picture they made together — drunk in each other's arms but sober to know that it's all real.

God knows he would kill just for them to be back in that moment. It's foolish, it's dumb; but it's what his heart wants. He knows it deep in his gut and in his soul. He had never wanted anything ever.

But then, things change. People, too. And Sasuke is aware that this Sakura sitting across from him now is getting married to someone she chose to be with; someone she said 'yes' to; someone who isn't him.

Truth hurts. These are the facts, and he can't argue with them. No matter how much he shield himself from the onslaught of emotions running through his whole being as they look at each other 6 years after the worst time of his life, the truth is hitting him on the face. It's sitting on her left hand's ring finger and it's blinding and suffocating and god, he wants this misery to end. When will this ever end?

'How do I unlove you, Sakura?'

Sasuke wanted to maintain their eye contact, but he needed to breathe. He looked away and closed his lids, took a breath and held it for a few seconds as he thought hard before releasing it. He hoped that Sakura didn't find it weird.

As expected, she patiently waited for him to speak up. She obviously still remembers his habit of sorting out his thoughts first before blurting them out. He wanted to laugh. Sakura and the world have clearly moved on with their lives while there's him stuck on the same shit he's been doing since forever. So predictable, so pathetic.

He fought the frown that was threatening to form on his face and opened his eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I kept it," he finally said.

Sakura was just looking at him, analyzing him with those eyes of hers. 'Stop looking at me,' he thought.

Sakura finally replied, "I kept mine, too." His heart lurched for a moment. He remembered her own copy — same night, same party, same drunk picture; but in a different angle. Sasuke gritted his teeth to fight his urge to bite his lip. It's a habit of his when he doesn't want anything to spill from him and she knows it, so he just nodded stiffly in return.

She then added, "Why?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, hiding his nervousness and anxiety. "It reminded me of a good time," he truthfully answered but used with a light and careless tone.

Sasuke saw her frown at that. He felt the gears turning in her head as she prepares her next queries. Sasuke thought, 'I gotta divert this conversation.'

"Don't worry about it," he blurts out. "When my mother saw it, she told me I should not dwell on the past anymore. So I think she kept it hidden in our ancestral home."

He almost sighed with relief when he saw her face changed expression and settled with a small smile, "How's Mikoto, by the way? Does she still have insomnia?"

"She's doing okay now," he answered her, thinking about his mother and her insomnia when Itachi died. "She's good, don't worry. Her pies are still the best," he managed to give her a tiny smirk.

Sakura smiled, "That's good to know. The last time we saw each other, she looked worn down."

He frowned at that. 'They saw each other? When?'

His confusion must've been written all over his face so she said, "Didn't Mikoto tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

Her eyes widened a bit for a split second and softly answered him, "She sent me off at the airport before I went to the States. Mikoto was actually the one I saw before I boarded the plane."

Sasuke didn't know what to say, what to think. His mother? Why would she do that? What did they talk about? Why didn't Mikoto tell him?

He just continued blankly looking at her, lost for words. Sakura looked back at him with an awkward expression. Apparently, Sasuke wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.

After a few silent seconds that felt like hours, Sakura broke the silence. "We just briefly talked for a few minutes before the gates closed. She asked me what happened to us that time and how you were doing then."

Sasuke clenched his fist under the table and scoffed, "I hope my mother didn't tell you how miserable I was."

'Still am,' he corrected in his mind. 'How miserable I still am.'

Her eyes were steady on his when she answered, "She did, actually. She knew I was as miserable, too."

He's now regretting the vulnerability in his words. There's a pang of pain he felt in his chest where his heart lays beating weakly by the minute. He fought the need to clutch it like he did that night when he broke down in front of his mother in their living room.

'Why are we here? Why am I fucking here?'

Sasuke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and concealed his true fucked-up feelings with a humorless smirk. "Aa. That sounds like my mother," he quietly replied.

He needed a minute. It's only been what, an hour of being reunited with his first love, and she's slowly but surely breaking down his armor with little to no effort? He wanted a drink or a smoke; anything but this already cold bitter coffee in front of him and this girl, this stranger, that has the face of his long lost love.

Sakura offered him a tiny smile and said, "Yeah. I hope I can see her before I leave again soon. Would it be okay to have her number? Or is it the same as before?"

"No."

Sakura blinked and looked taken aback at first with his abrupt answer, "No to what?"

"All of it," Sasuke dryly replied.

Sasuke couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't understand a thing, much less feel anything at all. All he has is this numbness slowly gripping his whole being.

Green eyes flashed for a second and he heard her say, "Why not?"

He countered with, "And why should you?"

Irritation can be heard clearly in her tone as she spoke, "She's not just another person in my life, Sasuke. I just want her contact number so I could talk to her."

"And I said no," he said. "There's no reason for you to reach out to her anymore."

He knows he's being irrational and being a bit childish to be honest, but he couldn't understand why she's doing this. Add that to the gnawing leech of ache in his cold and broken heart, you could say he can't think straight at the moment.

It doesn't help that she looks gorgeous while breaking his heart all over again.

Instead of being angry like he anticipated, Sakura's face turned concerned. 'That face,' Sasuke inwardly sneered.

"Are you okay?", Sakura calmly asked him.

He replied, incredulous. "Am I okay? Really?" He scoffed, "Yeah of course, you just told me my mom spilled my guts to you and now you're here trying to reunite with her like nothing ever happened. So why shouldn't I be okay?"

Sasuke was trying to compose himself because he could feel his voice starting to shake and rise from too much emotions. The last thing he wanted to do is create a scene in this coffee shop. He kept his face as blank as possible.

Sakura just stared at him for a long time before answering, "It's been 6 years, Sasuke. You should be okay." Then like just an afterthought, she added. "We should be."

'How is that supposed to mean?', he screamed in his thoughts. 'You're perfectly fine, absolutely okay. You're getting married, you got your life altogether and planned out, you still look amazing and I'm here wondering what the hell am I doing with my life."

With all those thoughts, only few words came out, "And what makes you think I'm not?"

"Your face says it all, Sasuke. I know you," Sakura replied, still using that calm tone she has.

It's grating on his nerves so that's why he didn't fight when he abruptly slammed his fist on the table as his voice rose slightly, "Stop it!"

Her eyes widened in response and darted around the place. In his peripheral, he saw some customers glance at them curiously. Fortunately, there are only few. It dampened his rising mood and slightly pulled him back to himself.

His eyes were boring into hers when he said through gritted teeth, "Stop saying you know me, Sakura. Like you said, it's been 6 years. Many things changed."

Not all of them, he could admit. Just like his feelings.

She sighed in response, "Yeah, I could see that. Just like when you opened the door for me. You never did that before." She concluded it with a small smile.

His insides were in a turmoil. Is every word she's gonna say will continue to rattle his emotional and mental state? Is everything gonna remind them of their past? Is everything gonna slap him in the face that they never had a closure in the first place and maybe that's why?

She continued talking, "I noticed that you're taller, and that you've gotten a bit of tan. You're not as pale as before. Your hair is longer. You've become more tight lipped, but I guess that's because it's me you're talking to. I mean, after the way we ended I could unders—"

"I said stop it," he said quietly.

Her eyes remained the same, calm and collected. But he could also see a hint of determination and question in them. He couldn't understand. Why does she look like a girl on a mission? Those eyes are steady and serene but piercing and brave at once.

Sasuke inhaled deep and softly asked, "Why are you saying these to me?" His eyes are still looking through hers, "Why are you here? Why did you drag me here?"

He just wanted to drink his coffee and read his books in peace. He did not ask for her to be there at the other side of the road before he crosses it nor ask for her to come along with him. He did not want to see her engagement ring on her finger nor see her drink her black tea.

He did not ask for Sakura to come back in his life and remind him of what he lost when he let her go.

"I want to catch up with an old friend and have coffee with him," Sakura answered casually but softly, her eyes still seeking his as if wanting to see his thoughts.

His anger started to come back and he blurted out, "Friend? We're hardly friends now, Sakura."

"But we were once."

"Yeah, before I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me," he said with his voice shaking from too much restraint. "Before we kissed with the intention of something more than being platonic. Before I introduced you to my family as my girlfriend and you brought me to your parents' graves."

Sasuke heard her softly gasped at that last statement but he continued, "Before that night when we broke up. Before right now where we're here, acting as if none of those shit happened to us."

'Before we made love. Before we argued like kids and fucked like adults. Before we stayed up all night just talking about our dreams in the future and woke up in the morning realizing that our future was already right fucking there, staring at us in the face,' he all but screamed inwardly.

He leaned forward to look at her directly and fought the urge to grab her face to reiterate all of what he's saying. Then he whispered to her with a voice laced with longing and regret and desperation.

"Before right now where I'm asking you.. why you are here. Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you come back?"

Sasuke saw her eyes and her whole face soften as they continue to look at each other, until he saw them cast downwards towards the table. He followed her line of vision and saw her left hand.

Several thoughts came running through his head, all jumbled and don't even make sense. But one thing stood out to him even without her saying anything — she came back to Japan because of her engagement.

His eyes flicked back towards her face and saw her looking at him, almost apologetic and tender that he felt his chest tighten. Then Sakura spoke, "I think you already know."

He did; he does. Ever since she picked up her call and he was almost blinded with how fucking shiny her ring was and with how he felt like being punched to the gut, yes he knows. He will never have her back.

Not now, not ever.

Sasuke stood up abruptly, forgetting everything except picking up his coat. In his mind, he only wanted to get out of there. Get out of this café, get out of her life.

And so as soon as his hands found his coat when he stood up, he quickly strode towards the door. The faint noise inside the café was all but a noiseless background in his mind. He was actually expecting Sakura to call out to him, and when he finally opened the door to exit, all he heard was nothing but the howling of the cold wind outside as it snows.

The door of the café closes and so does his door.

—

He never paid attention to his surroundings. He just kept on walking and walking under the slight fall of snow around him. The streets are busy and the people are busier, all of them trying to make it through the day. Sasuke is the same. He just wants to make it through today of all days.

He never once imagined their reunion would be like this. He had this brief fantasy before about them seeing each other again, and finally realizing that they were meant for each other. They will throw away all the bullshit they went through and start again, fresh and new. They will never part. Never again.

But he didn't anticipate the fact that Sakura could be loved by someone else, too. And in return, she could love that someone back.

Sasuke should've known better. She was the smartest, most patient, most beautiful person inside and out that he ever met. He should've known that one person could see and appreciate that as much as he do, and will do everything to fight for her love.

And that's what Sasuke didn't do — fight for her.

He released a pained breath and watched as his mouth formed puffs of air because of the cold. He then noticed that he was in a playground, sitting on a swing in a nearly deserted park. His tall frame was hunched down on the tiny swing, his long legs bent as he stared into the ground.

He had no idea how he got there, but it may be a subconscious act. He always liked things that remind him of a much simplier and innocent times in his life. He also didn't know how much time has passed, but with the faint glow of the sun in the west he could tell.

"I thought you'd be here," a voice came and knocked on the closed door of his heart. He turned his face towards it, he saw her and suddenly his doors came opening again.

The winter sun was directly behind her, giving her this eerie glow. Like a nymph; a spring nymph being born in his perpetual winter. He shivered inside.

Sasuke couldn't see her face properly but he knows she's looking at him with those eyes of hers. He couldn't see them, but he could feel.

He watched her as she approached him slowly as if he's a wounded animal. In a sense, he is. He feels like it. He's wounded for the longest time, deep and real that he's full of bandages. And now, she's here to rip it all off and pour salt in his wounds.

"You left these," she said as she passed him his paper bag full of books and his scarf on her other hand. He never left her face but silently took the things out of her grasps and placed the books down as he held onto his scarf. After a few silent seconds, he finally looked away from her and stared at the thing on his hands.

She spoke again, "I knew you'd be in a playground. You have always been like that."

He heard the chains rattled as she sat down on the other swing beside him, facing the other way. They sat there in silence, watching as the sky took a break from crying too much snow and families in the park prepared to go back home.

If you ask Sasuke right now, this might be the only thing that haven't changed between their dynamic — the silence. They have never needed words ever since they became friends and silence is a comfortable companion back then. When they became lovers, it was like their platonic third-wheel aside from Naruto.

Right this moment, it's a bit different. The silence is there, but it rang like no other, begging to be noticed. An obnoxious loudmouth bother, a deafening pierce of a non-existing noise; it's right there between the two of them. And with a heavy heart, Sasuke took a breath and broke it.

"You're getting married."

Sasuke saw in his peripheral that she whipped her head towards him. He kept his face straight and forward, his eyes trained on two little boys riding a bicycle with their parents following behind. He felt his heart twitch in nostalgia.

Sakura returned to her original position facing the other way from Sasuke. You can hear the amusement in her voice when she spoke. "He finally said it," she softly said, as if she's talking to an audience.

He frowned, not caring anymore and looked back at her. He saw her fiddling with her scarf around her neck, noticed that she's not wearing her gloves. He can see the ring, subtly reminding him of why they're here.

"I was wondering when will you talk about this," she said while looking down at her ring, her voice still soft and quiet. She put down her hands in her lap, "That was the reason I said all those things back there."

She then looked back at him and he met her round and honest green eyes, "It was a bit childish of me, I know. But.. I just had a feeling you weren't being honest with me back there."

'Oh fuck,' he groaned inwardly. 'No, we are not doing this. You are not doing this to me.'

Outside, his face scrunched up in confusion and frustration. "Why? Why would you do that?", Sasuke's voice is as quiet as hers.

Sakura kept her eyes glued to him, "I hate seeing you like that. It reminds me of our last night."

All thoughts evaporated. Heartbeats stopped. Breath halted. Sasuke could only do one thing and that's to stare right at the love of his life. He felt something sting behind his eyes and he looked away.

"I know you weren't being completely true that night. Like I said, your face says it all. I know you good enough even before we got together."

"It kinda hurts when I saw you doing the same back at the café. It brought back sad memories," she looked down. "And also because.. I already know, Sasuke. I already know the whole thing why. Naruto told me."

He fought a groan that tried to came out of his lips. First his mother, and now his best friend. Who's next? His father?

"He came to visit me in the States right before I started attending Harvard. He told me everything. The company, the merger.. the arranged marriage."

Sasuke remembered drinking with Naruto a few months after their break-up. And the next day, Naruto told him that his father wanted him to go to Massachusetts to attend a conference. He didn't bother to ask for details because he was still hungover from the night before.

"He told me you're a mess; that I should go back and fix our relationship because he can't stand to see you that way. Mikoto actually told me the same thing in the airport before I left but in a subtle way. Naruto was pained and sad for you, but Mikoto was scared and concerned."

He knows she left a week after their break-up in December. Before the year ended, he remembered his mother ask him if he will follow her. He said no. He wanted to, but he didn't.

"I want you to know I understand, Sasuke."

He gripped the chains of his swing hard. He couldn't even feel the cold of it anymore. He's overwhelmed by so much information that two of his precious people tried their hardest to save him in the lowest point of his life by begging her to come back.

How pathetic can he be?

"You weren't supposed to know," he finally spoke. His voice was gruff and tired. He feels so tired.

"It's impossible though," she answered. "I would've known it when the news of your marriage comes out." After that statement, she looked up again and asked him. "Now that I think about it.. why haven't I heard anything about your wedding?"

He exhaled, "She called it off."

Yes, Karin Uzumaki decided not to marry Sasuke Uchiha. He remembered the furious face of his father, the relieved exhale of his mother, the anxious fidgeting of Naruto, the wide eyes of Kushina and the amused smirk of Minato. But most of all, he remembered the determined eyes of Karin and the gratitude behind her slim frames when she looked at him.

"Oh," Sakura softly said. "What happened?"

He played with the scarf bunched at his lap as he replied, "She fell in love for the first time. I told her to decide what she wanted to do and I will respect it. She decided not to pursue the engagement then."

Karin was there for him when he and Sakura broke up. She was his companion in social events, casual dinners, drinking alcohol; but that's just it. A companion, a friend; and to Karin, he is the same.

Yes, they did try to become something more. They kissed once or twice, tried lunch dates, and went to movie theaters. But there was no passion, no spark. There's only mutual respect and comfort, and those aren't the only things a relationship should have.

When Karin told him that she met someone that she used to be classmates with in high school and they talked, she asked him about how did he know he was in love with Sakura. He answered with, 'It has always been a subconscious thing, I guess. You just know.'

So he wasn't surprised when after a year, she told him that she's finally in love for the first time. He told her to do what she wants, and she did. She fought for her feelings, fought for her love. And now she's free, married just a few months ago. Sasuke was her best man because he was her bestfriend. Naruto was pouting the whole ceremony.

Sakura didn't reply this time but she nodded as she looked away. Sasuke turned his head towards her then, silently looking at her side profile. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and her breath is visible. Pink strands are blowing in the wind making him smell apples. Now he knows that she also smells different; she smells like flowers back then.

Looking at her after 6 years felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. He felt like he was in a reality show, cameras are around him watching his every move and emotions that will run across his face; ready to laugh at him for the biggest prank of his life.

This is his reality. This is real and she's right there, wanting him to be completely honest with her. Say all his thoughts unlike that night; unlike back there at the coffee shop. He could do honest. He will be honest.

"You're still beautiful," he blurted out.

Sakura's eyes widen for a bit and she looked back at him. She blinked a few times, completely taken aback by his abrupt statement.

"I'm glad I haven't taken all your good parts," he continued. "I'm glad you've been able to move past the things that happened. I'm glad you're doing fine. I haven't told you I was proud of you that night when you told me you got in to Harvard so I'm telling you now — I am proud of you. I'm glad you're back.. even if it's because you're getting married."

Her green eyes were steadily shaking looking back at his black ones. Sasuke could see them shining and he hoped she doesn't cry because if she does, he is done for. He will be annihilated right there in the middle of a fucking playground.

With his eyes never leaving hers, he asked her. "Does he love you?"

Seconds stretched out and she finally managed to croak out a yes and a nod. Suddenly, Sasuke felt this incredulous urge to laugh. In the end, he let out a small chuckle.

He gave her a barely-there smile, "Of course he does." His voice was soft but it cracked in the end, "Who wouldn't love you?"

Sasuke saw her eyes gather tears and his fear of seeing them was finally falling from her eyes and right there staring at him in the face. His chest felt tight and his throat burned. He was only whispering his words but he felt like he shouted them to the heavens.

He twisted his swing with his legs to finally face his whole body to her form. He reached out to the chains of her own swing beside her thighs and moved it to face him. His legs widen and put hers between them so he could support the two of them.

As he looked at her face to face, from head to toe as they sit in an empty playground within an empty park, Sasuke felt alive. Given that he knew this woman silently crying in front of him is crying because of him, he felt alive for the first time in years. The dull colors of winter faded in the background and all he could see is the pink of her hair, the green of her irises and the gold of the sun slowly setting down behind her.

Tears kept flowing and her red-stained lips are shaking. Sasuke didn't fight it when he wiped her cheekbone with his thumb, and neither did Sakura. He used the back of his fingers as he wiped the other side. Sakura let him. It felt so surreal to Sasuke.

He was finally touching her again after 6 years. This was what he wanted to do when she was crying that night on the side of the road where they broke up. She feels different, he realized — softer, more delicate. Even though he knows the past few years haven't been nice to her, she still managed to become more than what she was before and after they ended.

Sasuke knows it was long overdue, and that these next words should've been said that night, and all the nights before and after that; but he says it anyway.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head no and opened her mouth, "No, you don't have to Sasuke-kun. I understand, you d—"

"No, Sak. You need to hear this," Sasuke interrupted. He looked at her intently, "I need this. We both do."

Right then, he realized that this reunion wasn't supposed to be the time where they would get back together as he wished for the last 6 years.

This reunion was for them to finally go their separate ways, to finally accept that things aren't always meant to be; and that includes them.

Onyx eyes bore into jade ones as he spoke freely, vulnerably, and longingly. "I'm sorry for not being the type to open the door for you. I'm sorry for diverting the topic when I felt like being too exposed. It's because you scare me with how much you know me and I was afraid you'll see how ugly I am inside."

She was shaking her head no as he continued, "I'm sorry for ignoring your calls when it all turned to shit. I didn't wanna hear how lonely your voice sounds, that's why. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents when we were arguing that night. It was insensitive of me and I was truly sorry as soon as I said it."

"Sasuke-kun, stop."

He couldn't hear a thing and his voice started to shake but he pushed through with all the pent-up remorse, pain and love bottled up inside him.

"I'm sorry for making you feel insecure, for making you feel less of a woman when we were together. I'm sorry for making you cry then and even now. I'm sorry I'm so messed up inside that I feel ashamed being able to talk to you right now."

He's blurting out his words and his eyes started to blur simultaneously. Sasuke couldn't see her clearly anymore, only the faint glow of her weeping eyes and the halo on her head made by the sun.

"Stop."

"I'm sorry for not fighting for you; for giving up. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Sak. I'm sorry for breaking us. Not only that night but all the nights after I accepted my role in my family. I broke you when I said yes, and I broke us when you said it's over and I'm so, so sor—"

Sasuke felt her arms around him, her head against his shoulder and her tears on his sweater. He felt all the air inside him dissapear as his tears finally fell when he closed his eyes.

His face reached her head, and he buried it against her hair. And as he wound up his arms around her and crush her into him he whispered, "I'm sorry for letting you go."

—

They cried — for the loss, for the death, and for the love of them. They embraced for a long time, both of them not uttering a word. When their storm finally calmed and both aren't crying anymore, Sasuke opened his eyes and stared at the almost setting sun.

"Do you remember when you asked me before what my favorite song was?", his head was still against hers.

Sasuke felt her head move and put her chin on his shoulder, "Yeah, I do."

He reluctantly let go of her so he could look at her tear-streaked face. He offered a gentle smile, "I have an answer now."

In his pocket, he flashed out his phone and then he whipped out an old-looking earphones from the other. He earned a small gasp from Sakura.

"You're still using it," she said quietly.

"Hn. I barely use it anymore, but I always bring it with me."

It was the same earphones she gave to him on a random day after they listened to her favorite album which he loved. She taught him the power of music and how it moves people; and taught him how to appreciate it in any form.

Sasuke plugged his earphones to his phone and looked for his favorite song. When he found it, he gave the other earpiece to her and watched as she put it on her ear. It reminded him of that lazy, cold morning listening to Bon Iver and sharing earphones and body heat with Sakura.

He could see the anticipation in her eyes as she looked at him gently. He wished that she would understand that he is dedicating this song for her.

"Listen well." That's all he said before pressing play.

Guitar plucks started to flow through their ears and Sasuke saw the recognition in her eyes. He heard her whisper, "Death Cab, huh?"

He just nodded in return and earned a small smile from her. He felt a lot better now than he ever did before.

When the singer, Ben, started to sing, he was reminded of how he first heard this song while he was cleaning up his room in their house before he left for London to study. Along with their picture of their first Christmas as a couple, he also brought the album that contains this song that he found in his room.

It was obviously hers and she must've forgotten that she brought it there or she purposely left it. Eitherway, he brought it with him to London and listened to it almost every day for the first year of being alone in a foreign city.

He pictures Sakura every time he hears this song, especially when a certain part of the song comes.

All the girls in every girly magazine

Can't make me feel any less alone

I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03

And on your machine

I slur a plea for you to come home

But I know it's too late

I should've given you a reason to stay

Maybe that's why he loved this record so much, most especially this song, because he relates a lot to it. Their relationship was never perfect. Yes, their love lacked color but only on the outside. Inside, it's bursting at the seams.

But then, sometimes it isn't enough. When fact and fiction blur together, it could end in tragedy; and that's what happened to them. Sasuke didn't give her enough reason to stay other than the quiet love he has for her. Sakura was never the demanding one, but she deserved more than what he gave. She deserved an explanation, an apology, and a love that fights for her. That's one of his biggest regrets.

The song ended and the next song came, and then the next. Song after song, he silently dedicated them all to her. Every hook, every line; it's all for her. They sat there, hunched over his phone playing all the music, shivering from the cold but warm enough because of each other.

"I just wanna feel alive

And get to see your face again"

"I'll make it without you

Though my body's laying here

It's my mouth that must be lying now"

"I'm talking to what's left of you

Watching what I say

Counting all the freckles on your perfect face"

"I need to hear in black and white

That you don't need me now

Say you don't want me

That it's not like it was for you before"

"So don't go away, say what you say

But say that you'll stay"

"I'll be the one that needs you again

And I'll be the one that proposes

In a garden of roses

And truly loves you long after our curtain closes"

"When you're young you just run

But you come back to what you need

This love is good, this love is bad

This love is alive back from the dead

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me"

Words flowed, lyrics lingered; Sasuke dedicated and Sakura listened. Together, they forgave; together, they let go.

—

"I need to go," Sakura whispered.

They're both silent after a few minutes from listening to his playlist. He could tell she understood. Her misty eyes and her lips swollen from too much biting are a few giveaways. She was nervous and anxious about saying something. Sasuke waited.

"I.. I wanted to say.." she stammered. She was fiddling her engagement ring as she find her words. Then, "It was good to see you again, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke-kun. He felt like he finally redeemed himself because of that added suffix. He finally earned it back. She knows all that happened, she understands, and she listened to his apologies and regrets.

He will never ask for anything more.

She finally stood up from her swing and started to turn away towards the setting sun when he found his voice.

"Are you happy?"

Sakura looked back at him, her eyes soft and dreamy. A little red from the crying they did earlier but her vivid green still stood out from the dull hues of the snow.

She nodded her head, "I am. And I hope, you are too."

From the lonely swing he was sitting on he answered her, "I will be."

Sasuke watched as her green eyes flooded with moisture and she closed them as she took a deep breath. She was trying not to cry again.

"Is this the last time we'll ever see each other?", he asked.

When she opened her lids, she straightly looked in his black orbs. Their eyes have always been their best assets, and they use it well. Especially at times like this when words don't seem to flow easily.

Her voice was quivering when she answered him, "Maybe." His heart sting a little but then she added, "I don't know.. I hope not.."

He stood up, "Can.. can I be selfish for one last time before you go?"

He was aware that he decided to never ask for anything from her again. She went through so much just by being with him and even right now as they speak. But like she said, maybe this is the last time he'll see her — beautiful and ethereal with the setting sun bathing the snow-covered world behind her, making her rose-colored hair burn in the right way and her glimmering emerald pools pop out with emotions.

Sasuke watched her swallow first, as if sensing that he's gonna ask for something he wasn't supposed to, and she was right. He knows this is ridiculous and inappropriate because she is getting married to someone she is happy with, and she has every reason to deny him of this which he will respect if she does.

But he is Uchiha Sasuke; and he is selfish, and arrogant, and compulsive when confronted with feelings, and irrational when he wants to be.

He is Uchiha Sasuke and she is Haruno Sakura, and only God knows how much he fucking missed her and longed for her and cared for her and loves her.

He loves her. He always will.

And so he took one step, then two, up until he reached her shaking form. With anticipation crawling in his veins, making his skin prick and his lips tingle, he asked his final request.

"Can I kiss you?"

Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."

His shoulder sagged. He anticipated it, but it still hurt a little. He understands and he respects it, but he still wanted it. He looked down and forced a smile.

"I know. It's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have asked. It's ridiculous and completely absu—"

"Can I kiss you?"

Head whipped upwards as fast as it could that it gave him a sudden whiplash. He saw her soft smile and her even softer eyes and she's just so fucking beautiful it hurts and she's gonna kiss him.

All he could ever manage was to give her a nervous nod. He was like back to zero, no experience with girls and how to act with them. He was like a child being promised of being brought to an amusement park or given a new toy. He was like a high school teenager realizing for the first time that he was finally getting to kiss this girl that he really really likes.

Sakura stepped forward and looked up at his face, eyes roaming around as if watching for a shadow of doubt in it. Sasuke looked back and gave her a look of someone who will never get to have this chance again.

Her bare hands went up and held his face. He helped her by leaning down and pressed his head against hers. He closed his eyes and waited for her kiss.

Sasuke felt her breath on his lips and heard a murmur laced with strawberry scent. Her cold fingers against his jaw tighten for a bit as her words sank in him.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."

His heart stopped as he waited for her soft lips on his eager ones, but it broke altogether when he felt them on his forehead.

If it wasn't a sign of them really over; if it wasn't a sign for him to really let her go, then Sasuke doesn't know what it is.

He understands it now. She chose to be with this person she's marrying and she chose to be faithful to him. She chose to settle all tangled knots from her past to get ready for her future — her future without him.

He wanted to cry again but he didn't. He fought it hard, feeling his eyes water behind closed lids as he feels her lips linger on his forehead. He could feel her lips shake as she presses them harder to his skin. He clutched at her waist and gripped her coat hard.

No matter what happens in the future, he had this. He had this last moment with her, and he will be forever grateful.

All that happened was a blur after that. In the end, he remembered not watching her go. He immediately turned around as her lips left him. He wanted his last memory of her to be her smiling face close to him, not her retreating figure in the lonesome park.

No words were said after that. He sat in the swing again, noticing that the sun had finally set. Winter night came howling in and he is alone again.

Sasuke never saw her retreating back, nor her crying eyes, nor her last attempt to look back at him.

He will never know, because he will never see her again.

Sasuke took a deep breath as he walks out of the airport, finally in New York soil. He saw the car that was supposed to pick him up right there in the front. He watched as the driver took his suitcase and put it in the trunk.

All the while, he cracked his neck. He was tired. The flight was long and his brain was fogged with those memories from 3 years ago.

He can say he's doing better now. He really let her go that day, wishing her all the love and happiness she deserves. He really meant every word he said and every thing he did.

To say that he's not missing her would be a lie, though. She still manages to plague his mind sometimes and make him think of what she's doing right now. Where she is, how she's been, how happy she is; all those things. But for his welfare, he decided not to dwell on those things too much.

He's 29 now. 9 years have passed since they broke up, and 3 years since they had their closure. He dated once or twice, but it never really worked out. He really tried those times, but there was just something missing. It didn't feel right.

He isn't rushing through anything. Right now, he's just trying to make his way through every day, one step at a time. Who knows? Maybe this coming year might be the year for his love life. Maybe he will meet someone in his almost 3-week long stay in America. Maybe it's the time to finally open his closed door again.

As he opened the door of the car, he took another deep breath and silently hoped so, too.

~fin~

(A/N: Songs used are A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie; Echo - Jason Walker; Make It Without You - Andrew Belle; Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson; Let You Go - Jason Walker; Don't Go Away - Oasis; Happiness - Rex Orange County; and This Love - Taylor Swift (please also listen to Ryan Adams' version of this because it fucking hurts) Thanks!)

part 1 | special chapter

#sasusaku #sasusaku fanfiction #sasusaku fanfic #ssfic #ssfanfic #ssfanfiction #uchiha sasuke #uchiha sakura #naruto fanfc #naruto fanfiction #naruto #naruto fandom #perpetual winter #fangirl's fanfiction #i am so nervous #about this shit #fahljfnbdhefjnhakf

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violetsystems · 5 years ago

Text

#personal

New York is probably good enough for some in terms of “putting yourself out there.” They say if you can make it there then you can make it anywhere. I’ve made it a habit every two months for the last year or so to explore it in the same meticulous fashion. Same flight. Same brands. No sudden movements. On a dimly lit viaduct off flushing I see the abyss reflected back at me. Someone across the street wearing the same shoes. What you put out into the world comes full circle. And yet things still remain moderately the same if not worse. New York has given me a lot of perspective in my adult life. For years people have made me feel like I’m not good enough at so many things. The idea that I can simply walk down the street and exist seems important enough to people out East. Here there’s always some sort of judgement or validation that needs to be attached. You can get trapped in a constant cycle of proving yourself to the wrong people. Which has never been the case down here where I write the script constantly that nobody pays attention to. In a lot of ways I see this as better not worse. I’ve been as far as Tokyo, Seoul and Shanghai by myself. There’s reasons I wouldn’t travel back alone right now. When I travel by myself to New York people seem to gradually understand my motivations better. I can’t help what I’m dragged around by or wander into. I also am not as clued in as people hallucinate me to be. Nobody texts me at all. I have friends but I wouldn’t say any of them are close enough to know any perspective of what I do. I find people don’t listen or tune out which is why I maintain these kind of love letters to the void. I figure if you really liked, loved or appreciated me you’d want to know what I’m thinking. I’m a fairly transparent person to a fault at times. There are times when being open and honest has gotten me manipulated or worse. My life is what it is and I make it so by working on it. The people I lost contact with I question if I ever really had any with to begin with. This space and writing in it has been the only really emotional contact I’ve had with people for years. I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t isolated and alone most of the time. I’m also not that depressed about it. I’ve stayed fit by exercising in my home. I made 14k gold in World of Warcraft from a random drop on the auction house. I still suck at Hearthstone but enjoy losing anyway. More so than playing card games in public for various reasons. Every time I leave the house back home it’s like some weird aggressively social pressure to perform. Everybody wants me to share my attention, my opinion and how I feel then punish me for it. I’m used to that game and the rules kind of suck. I’ve been doing that week after week for I don’t know how long on the internet here. I wouldn’t say I feel punished. I do feel included. I do think me sharing my perspective does a lot of things. I think you could get what I’m about at the very least. Enough to be comfortable around me in public. So realistically I’ve been putting myself out there for years at this point. What’s different? What’s changed? And why am I not good enough for some people?

Money probably. It seems like people with money think they can do whatever they want. I’ve listened to too many Fugazi albums at this point to think otherwise. I’ve worked for a non profit since the dinosaurs were first wiped off the planet. I’ve had so many little side hobbies and art projects that weren’t good enough for people. Wouldn’t make enough money to pay attention to. I’d be more bitter if I hadn’t succeeded more in other things. Since I quit the gym last year I’ve made so much more progress on my health. I look way better than I ever have. I’m still the same person inside if not better. And yet people want to pop out of a portal of yesterday and catch up suddenly again and again like an infinite crisis. I’m used to talking to people in New York. I don’t really get nervous in street conversation anymore. I don’t have any expectations on it. I’m not trying to set someone up or weave myself into somebody’s inner circle. I’m trying to connect with my people. And my people are in the moment. There was that meme with the Shiba the other day that hit me hard. If you enjoy the time you wasted then it isn’t a waste of time. If all these years have inspired me to become who I am now why would I regret it? It is rough and thankless for sure. Everybody knows how much less sensitive I am about all this now. I’d argue I’d have to be inevitably. The streets are like a catwalk to me that I greet with a cold, dead stare at times. That’s what I feel in my head anyway. And then people smile at me gently for no reason. Like they know. And my eyes soften a bit more. Money is just money. People like myself work very hard for it. I work very hard trying to spend it more wisely. I’m not sure I will return to New York until my birthday next year. Not that I can’t afford it. More so because I have enough clothes at the moment and would like to rest and stay warm. Home isn’t a terrible place to be outside of work. But people with money can be extremely invasive anywhere. Look at how much they pry into my life looking for something darker to prove. That’s how it seems these days anyway. I don’t know that any amount of money will change the trajectory I’m on. I do think about moving to New York often. Then I think about commuting there instead. I could always make more money. I could always be in a place that understands me more and expects less. Everybody in the Midwest needs to be connected. Families, money and politics. Chicago is one of the most corrupt cities in that respect. And then there’s more to Chicago we’ve come to realize. More importantly there’s me sitting at my kitchen table every Saturday morning typing love letters out on my surface. Thinking about how I’m going to spend fourteen thousand gold in isolation over the next few months. Who is living the dream now? I’ve farmed gold since beta with the best of them. I also nuked my account at the first expansion. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Bowing to the corporate whims of Hellish Blizzard. Maybe that’s why Fugazi never made another good record. The system is rigged to fail.

When I talk about keeping it real these days it’s much more in the Sega Bass Fishing tradition. I’m not trying to start a maritime revolution or anything. Unless you are talking about putting power back into the hands of those who don’t traditionally have it. When you talk about a movement it’s always implied with me. I walk alongside these concepts because I believe in them. Freedom for all. And people test mine in the process. And I start to realize Freedom in America isn’t really free. People are always trying to sell yourself back to you at a higher price than you can afford. Make you doubt your path into the unknown by shaking your confidence and resolve. Negging your plans if you share them out loud. Standing in your way out of jealousy and worse. People have tried to hijack my narrative so much that I’ve given up on whole sections of it. Nobody cares about my music. If they check in it’s to comment about my haircut not my artwork. It’s vapid as fuck. Like I’ve become some hyper intelligent Ken doll imprisoned behind a firewall for the better. I realized a long time ago people won’t let me be me. People want control over everything. They have brands at stake. Legacies to build. Family empires and flows of cash to maintain. Small little circles that have no vacancy unless you have something to offer. And when my haircut shines back into the spotlight the same meat market mentality shows its ugly face. Nothing has changed with me. I still love the same people deeply in ways you will never know. No one ever cared to read into that other than here week after week. And in some ways my feelings towards it were allowed to grow in a very quiet way. I’ve carved a really genuine spot out of chaos where I can speak what I feel. People can twist it in whatever way they want in their Utopian vision for society. But the simple fact is that I do not feel included out there. So why do I feel so included walking by myself alone down Flushing every two months. Imagine if I would have believed all these things people project onto me. That I’m not good enough. That I’m weird and a failure. That there’s something about me that someone can’t put their finger on that bothers them. So they want everybody to keep tabs on me just to be sure. Someone who has never spoken two words to me or worse. And then there are people out there who I understand care deeply with a simply click. I don’t have to shake them down for proof. I already feel the love there. You have to have real love in yourself to notice it reflected back to you. Real unconditional love is difficult. But anything built on anything less is doomed to fail. I don’t necessarily feel doomed at all. Granted Sega Bass Fishing is an extremely challenging game. So is running a mile under eight and a half minutes. You know where to find me when you need me. Just putting it out there. Love. Imagine putting more of that into the world. I don’t have to imagine my love for you. <3 Tim

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