#you can call him Manteca

[succulent-mud]

The Sims experience

[blindrapture]

WEDNESDAY JULY 27TH, 2011 (Maybes and Mysteries)

12:20 AM huhwake. donnie wants to switch, she needs sleep. where are we. manteca. outside a wal-mart. she's showing me the road map.

12:23 AM went outside for a minute. pissed on a tree. stretched my legs. I may not know exactly where to take us, but all we need to find is one camper, and we'll be talking to all of them.

12:24 AM there's a river not too far from here. water's good, right? stay along the water. okay. sleep well, donnie.

1:06 AM Slowing down. The other two are still asleep. Gonna trawl along here a bit. I think this is the Stanislaus River.

1:13 AM Dead silent around here. I have the window open and there's no sound, no wind, no monster noises, nothing. Town of Riverbank and it's a ghost town.

1:21 AM Circled around. Only thing of note, and it is pretty noteworthy, is that big black dog waiting on every corner, watching our car drive by. I'm taking that as my cue to move on. Nothing for us here.

1:32 AM Oakdale now. Same as before, following the river, circling around. Not stopping for that dog.

1:37 AM I thought it was just as quiet here, but when I slow to a stop, roll down the window, and listen real close, I can just about hear a powerful thump. thump. thump. in the distance. We heard that on the border when we were just entering California. What is it? Oil pump-things? It's too regular to be anything natural. … thump. thump. thump. Reminds me of the thumpers from Half-Life 2. Highway 17. .… thump... thump... thump… Yeah, I don't know. I'd better keep driving. Not hearing anything else.

1:59 AM I've circled around Oakdale. I sure hope I'm doing something smart here.

2:25 AM This town's called Waterford. It's on the Tuolumne. It's even smaller than Riverbank.

2:27 AM Is that...? Something humanoid laying on the road. Slowly raising its head to look at us. Dead eyes. EAT...? ...it growled at me and its jaw fell off. Just a zombie. Thanks for nothing.

2:45 AM sighhhh. I've parked on a bridge on Hickman Road. Got out of the car, leaned on the railing, looked out at the river below. There's a park down there, lot of trees. I got to wondering about birds, birds singing in trees. I still see them on our travels, even through all of this. I always liked birds. Their jittery movement and iterative singing remind me of myself. Always looking, taking things in. Always taking flight.

2:46 AM ...birds.

2:51 AM I drove around to access the park directly. River Park. Creative name. There's gotta be birds in here. ..almost got out of the car and went in there by myself. And ordinarily I would. But I think this time I ought to do things right.

2:52 AM Donnie? "hm?" Donnie, I'm going to go looking for EAT. I want you to come with me. "…" So I'm not charging into the Fears by myself. "Yeah, yeah, I'm waking up..."

2:53 AM Woke up Tiger too. We want him to stay in the car, he can go back to sleep if he wants, but. We had to tell him we're going off and will be back. I had to tell him about EAT. If he has any suspicions, he didn't voice them. We did literally just wake him up.

2:55 AM Donnie took a moment to change back into her combat suit. It's, uh, quite worn by now, but I'm sure it still offers some protection. Now we're heading into the park. "Do you expect to see Camper here or something?" No, I expect to see birds. And I expect them to see us.

2:59 AM We're sitting at a park bench. There's, uh. Yep. There's definitely birds here. In the trees. One or two walking around on the ground, pecking at bugs. Must be nocturnal. … Yep. ..this will be boring, I'm sorry. … "..what if these are all just regular birds?" Then at least we've done some birdwatching?

3:15 AM Ah! Fell.. fell asleep for a bit there. Donnie. Donnie, wake up. Something's splashing in the river.

3:16 AM That's a giant ice-blue tentacle rising out of the water, as wide as a small building, its tip curling like a question mark. It's a piece of something far bigger underneath, something squeezing its girth short in order to navigate the river. The skin of the tentacle makes a stretching and pulling sound as it moves in the air. Makes me cringe. o_e A mass of thinner strings come out of the river too, waving in the air, thin as hair, long as needs be. The tip of the large tentacle splits into... more hairs. It's made up of tightly-pressed strings. And a mass, a bulge, comes up inside the tentacle from under the water… Writhing up, and up, towards the splitting tip… ...it's a human. The head just emerged, between the strings at the tip of the thing, like from the throat of a colossal snake. ..eyes opened. They look like black holes from down here. It opened its mouth, spewing water and seaweed. ..Sal..ma..cis...? o___o A wheezing hiss. A hissing wheeze. Two arms wrench themselves out of the 'throat.' Followed by three more, one coming out of the stomach. Coughing, heaving. A voice gives a faint whisper too far away to hear. Masses of waterdrops splatter on the grassy riverbank. Donnie's starting to step back. I look back up, and the tentacle is rearing into the air, preparing to

3:18 AM ..eject the Camper in a vicious slam. It has so many legs. A whole skirt of legs. And it's clambering up to face us, standing now on the grass with us. Its neck is not rigid. The head swings around as a ball on a string. And the voice that comes out is nothing more than a whisper, voiced only on the inhales. "Raeeel. Viiictooooriiiaaaa." I just gulped. Or was that it? "I ammm aaaa herrrrrrr." Wh. What? "It. And herrrrr. Neverrr... sheeeee." But I. But I didn't say anything. "You wrooote it iiiin your jourrrnal." How… cough. cough. stagger. Wheeze. "The birds are my eyyyyes. As you fi..ured out." R..right.. of course. "Doo not beee so.. mod..est. It is unbecoming. You stand now before a... g... g.... g…" it vomited teeth. a lung. "a god. your. god." Salmacis, you're... you're freaking us the fuck out. Do you.. have any.. other... Camper?? That we can speak to?? "But Raeeel. This one is not a" gulp "Camper. This. is. ....the. Eardrum." donnie "It's really fascinating, and all, but please! Please, EAT! The voice is getting in my head!" "You twooo are. priiivileeeged. to see it. I do not liike. to bring it. out. of the waaaterr. out of. my booodyyy." But your other Camper are still too far? "Yes…" ........may I sit down? o_e for a moment.. "you may."

3:24 AM had my.. head in my hands for a moment. kinda wish I was dreaming right now. ...salmacis can read this. look, I just. I'm. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't ready. Donnie's seated next to me, and she's talking to the.. the Eardrum. "We're sorry that we got you killed. Or, you know what I mean. But we need your help even more now." "Yes. I am listeningg…" "The RAF have far more numbers than we thought, including armed soldiers. They plan on destroying the Golden Gate Bridge, and they want us back in the city at noon for that. I fear they have bigger plans." yeah, and. the bikers bolted after our conversation. after Cody... fucking Cody… The Eardrum is looking at neither of us. Arms aren't reacting. It is standing perfectly still. "I am.. listeniiing." No, I believe you, I'm filling the silence with description! "Is this. All?" "Uh. I guess so." "I was afraaaid. They had. Threatened your.. liives." ... .w.;; "I was aware of all of this. After Codyyy's ac..tions... I con..siderred.. it.. top prioorityy.. to monitor with my birds. I have seen the truck..ss... and I have heard.. the speech... and I know where.... the bikers are..." donnie "We have Tiger with us. He's the one whose sister Cody killed. We had to get him out of there, and we had to come up with a plan. We don't want to just let this happen." "And you want..." head swivels to face her "revenge." Yes. We want to know when your Camper will get here. facing me now. "Of courrse." ..the Eardrum skitters and moves around the park. Its Her legs move her frighteningly quickly and turn her on a dime. She It stops in the middle of the grass. Birds fly to it, perch on its arms. Little birds, nothing seemingly wrong with them at all. "They are not far now." ..a noise in the distance. like a bunch of humans making one big screech. which is probably exactly what it was? "See. You could.. hearrr them. That is how close they are. I would say.. 24 miles." That's close! O: "It will take them... only... another six hours…" donnie "Couldn't we go and.. pick them up? Drive them?" "Too many. But some... will be able to.. fly. I am still workinnngg on their DNA. Each body's must be... edi..ted.... from.. scraaaatch." ...Salmacis, I'm almost afraid to just come out and ask this, but. ..looking at me. .....what are you? "I am the end.. of all... things. Not the termin..al.... ennnd... but the goal… of all commun...i...caaa...tion... all cooper..ation.... all e..vo...lu...tion.…" skittering towards us, aaaa "I am... your... god." donnie "There's a lot of those going around lately." "I was... your god... befooorrre.... any of them.… I was above you... you were only an experiment…" it's wheezing as air struggles to fill her lungs. "With enough... drug..g... g.... g.....gs... your species caught a glimpse... but then you feared... and you turned.. to tobacco.. and alco..hol... I think your fear.. came from... a re..a..liz..a..tion.... that your bodies... were so dear to you… you would rather.. be... buried... as the body.. that you were.. born... into…" wheeeeze.... wheeze… "Regarrrd..less... I have told you e..nough... talking is so slow…" skittering back to the river "I leave you. For now. I would advise... waiting in your.. car.... for my Cam..perrr… to arrive…" Uh. Alright. o_o; "Be.. seeing... you…"

3:30 AM The large tentacle stretched once more, opening up and consuming the Eardrum in one brisk motion. It's.. more accustomed to grabbing than to letting go… And back into the water it went, and onwards down the river.

3:31 AM Donnie and I are just. Here. Looking at the river. Looking at the car. Looking at each other. … I, uh. I still.. feel like it's kinda friendly? Relatively speaking. "It's.. definitely still working with us?" It's not mad that we got a Camper killed. "I think it is, actually. Just not mad at us." Could you imagine being EAT's enemy? As just a human? ..quick shaking of the head. "I don't.. want to.. think about that." Yeah. Yeah. … "I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while." God, no. Am real tired, though. "Do you want to just. Lie on this park bench... together?" Do you want EAT to watch? The birds? "I kinda don't care about that right now. It might help me feel more control over myself." ...well, sure! :D

9:54 AM Woke up still in Donnie's arms. Her on my chest... .w. Then I remembered where we were, gently placed her on the bench, and surveyed the area. Sun's out, there's a bit more noise coming from Waterford, barks and yowls, but it all sounds like small animals. There's nothing around us. Only the trees, and the birds. ..the car's empty. Don't know where Tiger went. I'll have a look for him. Will leave my trilby here with Donnie, so she can at least figure that I'll be back.

10:01 AM Found him coming out of an old shop. He was just stretching his legs, checking out the area. Yeah, I figured it was something like that. "Listen, we should really be heading back by now. It's gonna take us a while to hit San Francisco." Yeah... we will, I promise. But we're still waiting on that backup. "The Fear thing?" It's a Fear we trust. Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, you don't have to be a part of it, and I have no interest in threatening you. No judgement. "Right now, I just want to fuck up his plans. I don't care. He's so uptight about those Fears; it'd be great to give him reason to be." Good to hear. :) So, did you find anything in these shops? "Peanuts. Juice you gotta add water to. Some rice cakes, ate those."

10:03 AM On the way back to the car, we heard a heavy flapping in the air. There, on the horizon! "Is that a flying man? ..is that an angel?" It's the first sign of our backup. :D

10:05 AM Donnie's up, and wearing my hat. She's gazing at the sky, the Camper fast approaching. flap. flap. flap. flap. it's a black man, shirtless, in jeans, with the hideous wings of flesh. it's slowing down. gonna land.

10:08 AM "Rael. Victoria. ..Tiger." Kinda giving up with the prog theming? "There are songs with tigers in them." donnie "Are the rest of the Camper still on the way?" "They will not make it to San Francisco in time for the burning of the bridge, but they will be here in time for the Archangel's undead masses." tiger "Zombies? Masses of them?" "You have never seen them in such dense quantities. I told you, Rael, that they were coming?" You did. "They will be here later today. And so will my Camper. For now, would you like me to ride with you?" Uh. Will those wings... fit? It's not a massive car... "I can ride on top. It will give me a chance to practice physical coordination." Uh! I mean, yeah, look, you can do whatever you want, Salmacis. But we've gotta get moving.

11:48 AM It was an eventful car ride. When Salmacis wasn't balancing on the roof of a moving car, it was clinging to the driver's side door, arm hooked through the open window, so it could talk to me. It would often give me better directions on how to save time on our route, but also EAT filled me in on the bikers' activities (they're not.. really very good at finding rabbit holes. they just keep stopping to get drunk). And, as we started to see the city in the distance, EAT latched onto the door again to, finally, talk about a plan. EAT talked us out of the flanking idea, as we're only going to raise hostility that way. So we'll rejoin the group back at the house. We think there's not much we can do traditionally, but we could use the RAF's paranoia against themselves... if we can expose Heaven as not being who she seems. It's her plan. And if the RAF realizes they've been doing the Archangel's dirty work, they should abandon the plan. ...and, if EAT can get some people away from the group, we could have more Camper to work with… Donnie was pretty alarmed at that idea, so I got EAT to promise it would only try that if it really had to. Then Tiger added that it could take the armed guards. They're going to have to lug equipment to the bridge somehow, so they'll probably have a guard take a truckful each. There's gonna be a time when they're working alone and vulnerable. Nobody had anything to say about that. It's.. just plain a good idea. And Salmacis left our car as we entered the urban areas. Flew off to her own designs.

12:03 PM We arrived at the RAF house, or, well, we parked a few blocks away and got through the crowds, to find Heaven glad to see us.

12:09 PM "Okay, everyone! Today's the day! I hope you're good with walking, because it should take us at least three hours to get to the bridge! If you think you're particularly strong and able-bodied, come and talk to Cody about hauling equipment, whether onto trucks, or carrying it all the way yourself! If you're really unable to walk, also see Cody, and he'll see what accommodations we have, but otherwise, we're leaving now!" okay. okay I think that bodes well.

12:25 PM Massive march of people. Not.. marching, just all following each other. That's how marches usually are in practice, isn't it? It's only on the final approach that even armies really switch into lockstep. And I don't even know about, like. Protests. Tiger's got his friends. Even with all the regulars for the Party House, we're dwarfed by sheer numbers. I don't know if he's telling them anything. Donnie's with me, but as we're around the front, she's keeping an eye on Cody.

12:49 PM There's a sign up ahead for a Twin Peaks. o_o I don't think that's got anything to do with this. Just, cool.

1:11 PM We're not passing anyone at all. All the shops are shut. There aren't even any loose zombies. The sky is a perfect blue without any flickering whatsoever.

1:33 PM Heaven? Are we gonna stop for food, or breaks, or anything? "No breaks. We get one chance at this. We work for the cause." Don't we have people who might not be able to keep up a walk for that long? "We work for the cause. We just need numbers. Even if 70% makes it up to the bridge, that's more than enough." ..cody's eyeing her. "..what?" "This isn't like you." "I'm sorry you feel that way. But we're doing something important here. I have a chance to make a difference, and I guess that's just my priority here." "It's a bridge. It'll still be here after a break. The kid's got a point, Hev." "Cody, we need to be a team on this." … … "..alright."

1:34 PM Cody's asked a message to spread back through the crowds: If you have food with you, you'd may as well eat while walking. And consider sharing if anyone else really needs it.

1:37 PM ...fuck it. We got any slim jims left?

2:27 PM I'm finally seeing some form of life up ahead. But it's the black dog. ..nobody's saying a thing about it. Hey, uh. Cody? "What." You do know that dog there's a Fear, right? "...no, I did not know that. Heaven, that—" "I see it. It's not doing anything. If it attacks anyone, then we can deal with it." "But it's a damn Fear." "Says who? The 'kid?' Didn't you think he was a Fear once?" "Alright, what are you fucking doing? Don't try to piss me off." "All I'm saying is, it's a dog. And maybe it's just a dog." argghh

2:30 PM found the old journal. The Black Dog, the Omen. It was July 14th, it was literally another branch of the RAF that told me. Cody, we should at least do something. You and me. "Eh.. it is just staring at us as we pass by. What is it gonna do? It's a dog." Cody, c'mon, man. We're Rise Against Fear. It's in the name. "I.. I know." If we don't know what it can do, that's more reason to be wary. "Yeah…" C'mon, man. What are your instincts saying? You saved us from that Sally thing. "I'm feeling similar now. I'm clocking it, and I don't like it." heaven "I am not going to stop this march." "For fuck's sake, Heaven, I wasn't asking you to." grabbing his gun "I can deal with this myself. Jordan, I want you with me."

2:31 PM I followed him as he pulled back from the front, as we'd passed it up here, but it was still watching everyone pass by. Cody told me to watch his back, and crouched low and approached it. Tried to treat it like a regular dog at first. Then it bit his hand. Jumped at him, bit at his shoulder, took out a.. not insignificant chunk. I whacked it with Tiger Stripes and shouted for the group nearby to hang back, go around us, give us space. Cody got a good look into its eyes, and his face turned pale, but then he got a big surge of adrenaline and grabbed the dog with both arms and ripped it off of him, chucked it to the ground. And shot it clean in the eye. And it growled at him, growled at us, and stormed off. As soon as it passed behind some of the crowd, I lost sight of it completely. Like it vanished. Cody got a towel off of a stranger, wet it with someone's water bottle, and covered his shoulder. And he thanked me and got back to the front. Staring daggers at Heaven, who didn't even seem to notice.

2:33 PM Donnie thinks that wasn't the greatest plan, but it did something. ...what the fuck is the point of that dog.

3:05 PM Heaven's sending another message back through the crowd. We'll be there soon. And around about now, the trucks will drive up to meet us. Good. Not the biggest fan of walking. And won't we have to walk all the way back after?

3:31 PM At last. Golden Gate Bridge. Hoo, man. Now that we're actually standing on the thing, staring ahead at a perfectly straight road, I'm seeing just how big it is. It'd probably take us a full half-hour to walk to the other side. It's strange. I can hear that thumping again. thump. thump. It is not in the distance. It's just on the other side of the bridge.

3:32 PM Here come the trucks, through a parting crowd. Behind them is a flatbed truck carrying a full-on wrecking ball. Donnie and I are looking carefully at the drivers, trying to see if we can tell that any are EAT. But they're all wearing wraparound sunglasses, so the eyes won't help us.

3:34 PM Heaven's turned to face the crowd. "Okay, we're here! We'll have the trucks set up the explosives on the far end of the bridge. We'll have a wrecking ball to the supports, the 'gates' themselves. And all I need you good people to do is pack yourselves in on this side. The rich are going to come running out, just you watch, they're going to want to save the bridge and stop us, and we just want you to be our shield." Yeah. Yeah, that plan makes no sense. And the sky's still solid. The ants are working overtime to be unnoticed. The Fears are waiting for us to do this, alright.

3:37 PM Things are still being set up. But one guard has gotten out of his truck. He's gone to Heaven, says there's a problem. "What? What's wrong?" "It's a problem with the equipment." taking off his sunglasses to rub his eyes. "Yes? Which one, exactly?" now he's looking into her eyes. "..what are you" "I know what you are now." "...uh. Cody, get over here..." "Shut up. And don't you come any closer." pointing gun at Cody without even turning his head. "This woman is an Indisen." "...and you're Salmacis…" cody "What the FUCK is GOING ON?" heaven's shouting to the sky "DO IT! DO IT NOW!"

3:38 PM thunderous quakes. the far end of the bridge bends and crumbles. except that wasn't an explosion. that's pairs of thick black legs. stepping on each truck, crushing it and the driver inside. marching in true lockstep. the sky turns red as a storm of buzzing black dots swirls and scatters. people start to turn and run, but behind us is a mass of people we don't recognize. they're not zombies. and I don't think they're Camper. I think they're Indisen. they're pushing against the crowd, pushing us up onto the bridge. up towards the walking legs. stretching up, infinitely, into the sky. lifting up off the ground, stepping forward, and thudding down. thump. thump. crush. glass smash. choking screams. a fire spreads on the far end of the bridge, behind the walking legs. and a man in a gas mask is suddenly with us now, floating slightly above the ground.

3:40 PM "Salmacis, what are you doing?" the camper is strangling heaven. or trying to, with the other hand pointing a gun rather pointlessly at a Cody who is too busy freaking out at the massive stampede of stimuli to pay attention. "Really, I thought you were smarter than this. You're trying to strangle an Indisen?" "I'll strangle you next, Death." "They were your bodies once. Did a lack of air stop them then?" he got his hands on Heaven and pulled her away from the Camper. EAT "Goddammit, Archangel, what elaborate lengths did you go through to set all this up?!" archie "Nothing I wasn't working on already. A little bit of populism, gaming the humans' animal brains, their communal justice. Easy as piss. And the Indisen were gathering here for some reason anyway. They were ready to give the city away. I merely.. agreed to it." "The Ants of the Sky, are they yours too?" "What, these?" ...faster than a bullet, stopping on a dime, landing on the bridge are two robots, bigger than some helicopters, grey and sharp all over, with edges and wires bending their joints. on the front is a big beady camera-eye, surrounded by dozens of tinier cameras. the arms terminate in beehive-like holes, gun barrels. there are no legs. it's a round body with two gun arms. "Not to brag, but they're quite genius little death machines, aren't they? Stylish, modern, military-grade. I paid those corporations more money than they'd ever seen before to build to my specifications, but when I turned them on, I got my money back and then some." ..heaven's silent, in archie's arms, eyes darting between the camper and cody. and me. EAT "Certainly, the design is interesting. Its capabilities surprise me. But this doesn't change the fact that your plans are always so... unsophisticated." "Excuse me?" with a chuckle "A populist march in a time of uncertainty and struggle? It's so trite even the humans were doing it. Machines that target financial transactions... okay, that is certainly creative, for you, but then you just.. what, introduce your own currency? Z's yours too, isn't it? You replace a system with the exact same system? What, were you competing with the dollar? You thought of humanity as equal to you, your competition? Where's your imagination? Where's that intelligence you boast about?" "..oh, I see now. You're getting wit and thorn from the humans. You're protecting them... or is it just him? He is your protégé? Has he seen the extent of your horrors yet? That won't even matter, will it? You're not going to let him go. He's gone from one puppetmistress to another." "The difference between you and I, Archangel, is that I can perceive of many possibilities, while you are limited to your own." "Whatever. People are dying, and I grow ever stronger. That's all I'm hearing right"BANG … Cody shot Heaven in the head. She's limp. Archie tosses her to the ground. Okay, good, you're back in the moment now. cody "Fucking traitorous Fear freaks." Archie allows his own feet to touch the ground, no longer vaguely levitating, floating in the conversation. Walks up to Cody. "You. You work for me. Did I tell you to do that?" cody "I don't work for you, you jackass." "Really? You've been doing my work. You've been killing my enemies. You even recruited for my church. Thanks for that, by the way." "I—" bang. Cody falls to the ground, a hole in his stomach. all it took was a single shot, from several feet away, by one of the ants of the sky. "You work for me now." ..and cody gets back up from the dead. cody is a zombie. donnie screamed with grief. donnie, don't.. point that thing. I think you're better off using it on the Indisen that are currently tearing through innocent people. I think we're better off running now.

3:44 PM Tiger! C'mon, we're fighting our way out of this! "What happened to Cody?" He's dead! "And the EAT thing?" Still back there, talking to the Fear that caused all this! Don't worry, it knows what it's doing! Just, we gotta GO! Before the legs make it across the bridge!

3:47 PM indisen are a lot tougher than zombies. they fight back, they grab at your weapons, they flat-out don't want to die. we're having trouble here. tiger has a knife, which he's at least able to use, but. donnie lost her rifle.

3:48 PM Oh! That's why we're not dead yet! The winged Camper is here fighting the crowd! Tearing sharp mutated claws into throat and limb, wafting gusts of wind with heavy wings to keep Indisen clear. Our guardian angel… Tiger! Donnie! Stick with our Camper!!!

3:51 PM "Rael!" shouting over the sound of the crowd Yeah, EAT? "He's killed the Camper on the bridge!" Well, were you able to get any more information out of him first? "No, we mostly just insulted each other!" So, am I understanding correctly that he pretty much just did this to get more zombies? "And crush morale, yes! But I believe he also desired to work with the Indisen in order to better learn about them!"

3:55 PM CRASH ..lightning just struck the ground ahead of us and now there's a lot more fighting going on over there. EAT, can you see what's going on? "It's someone in a mask. They came out of the lightning, with their... is that a Jesus Christ mask?" Cockroach Jesus? o__o "What? No, this is a human." Oh. Oh, the Masked Massacrer! What the fuck is he doing here. Or, one of... them… donnie "Maybe he really wanted to kill some Indisen?"

3:56 PM THE MASKED MASSACRER IS RUNNING ON THE CROWDS' HEADS like in a damn action movie

4:19 PM the crowd is thinning out we're getting out of it

4:22 PM the camper is staying here to fight the indisen and let us make our escape. thank you, salmacis.

7:37 PM The long walk back was set to the sound of distant slaughter and crashes. At some point, there was a tremendous creaking, turning into screeching, and a large noise. That was the Golden Gate Bridge finally collapsing. There's a glow on the horizon as coastal fires rage. We've arrived at our car.

7:38 PM We've been looking at each other, exhausted. We need to get in the car and drive until we can't see San Francisco any longer. We know this. But the long walk.. the long day.. the long week… It's weighing on all of us.

7:42 PM We returned to the RAF House. It's completely empty here. Everything's happening three hours away. We think we can afford to sleep.

8:08 PM We shared a dinner. Heaven still had food stocked in the cupboards and a working oven. We made some simple pasta and sauce. Tiger's sleeping in the living room, on the couch. Donnie and I will sleep in our cots.

8:10 PM She's sitting on the cot, taking off her shoes. Body still throbbing with adrenaline. Brain still abuzz with what ifs. "What if we'd gone to Los Angeles instead?" Then we wouldn't have met Tiger. "You feel a responsibility for him." I do. Because I took so long to tell him. "It's a good thing to feel. I still feel responsibility for trusting Cody so much." He.. wasn't all bad. He was a lying, manipulative, paranoid man, but he had a principle and he stuck to it. "You don't have to defend him, baby." getting into bed "He's.. dead... and I'll miss him, parts of him.. I'll miss the memories. But we're back to how we were again. Just you and me, against the world." And Tiger, now. "Yeah. He's like our son." Pfft. He's gotta only be, like, a year younger than me. "And two years younger than me." Do you think he'll be receptive to our trips through the rabbit holes? "He'll probably think it's a kick. An adventure." Kinda like I do, yeah. "They are kinda like little adventures, each world, aren't they? They have such a weird design to them." Like a video game. A whole little story, a whole lot of little stories. "That outlook of yours, I might be coming around to it. If we have to go searching for those bikers in the rabbit holes, even if we have to go all the way to the Cipher ourselves just to stop them from dealing the finishing blow, I.. I think I'm up for it." But we probably won't have to. EAT's got an eye on those bikers with her birds. EAT may even try to trick them and lead them away from any Doors. "Maybe. But then we can always go down some rabbit holes anyway, just for the sake of it." Yeah. I'd like to see something other than this city again. "This world… this crazy, neverending power struggle of a world…"

11:11 PM We fell asleep not long after that. I find I've woken up by myself again. Like. She's still here, still asleep. But just me has woken up.

11:12 PM I took a look around the house. Figured I'd let Tiger sleep. He's a really quiet sleeper.

11:13 PM The glow outside is spreading. I can see it from the kitchen window. Trying not to think about how many people must have died. ...all of them?

11:14 PM ..hang on. Tiger's not asleep. He's not on the couch. I didn't see him at all in the house. Is he outside?

11:15 PM ....oh. ._. A window on the top floor is open that wasn't before. And here, on the street outside… Oh… Goddammit.

11:16 PM What choice did he have? Traveling with two kids, barely older than him, who are working with another monster. And he might have had other choices if we hadn't come here. 'Cause I can't help but wonder if I was what pushed Cody over the edge. Bringing Donnie here to reopen old… But, like, that doesn't.. make sense, does it? This was just a kid taking control of himself in the middle of Hell. Taking control back...

11:20 PM Goddammit. All the Maybes in my head. All the shit going wrong.

(Attached: “I am wrought with Maybes and mysteries. Recall the anecdote I shared much further back, where a Camper pointed me down a Door and my next memory was waking up in a bus stop in the rain. That memory goes somewhere. I sat in the bus stop for ten minutes, thinking thoughts that weren’t mine. When’s it gonna arrive? I guess I could read more Discworld while I wait, but it’s such a hassle to have to keep looking up from my book, and then when the bus does come I’ll have to take myself out of the immersion and I hate that. I looked around, not in curiosity of my new environment but in the bored glance of a familiar place I’ve grown so tired of seeing. I remember a stone wall opposite me, across a single-lane road. I never looked at the sky, instead at the wall with the line ’FISH AND CHIPS 1.10p SPECIAL’ written on a hanging chalkboard. I saw someone walking up the road from the right, heading towards the bus stop. A new thought entered my head: Oh good, he’s here. The person’s face flickered for a second, and then their entire shape flickered before settling on a form I’d recognize: The Sempiternity, my blindfolded friend, the Fear of forever, who knew more of me than I of them.

They raised a hand in greeting, and I nodded my head in return. We had a conversation about the weather. Apparently, we were due for rain in the coming week, followed by months of snow. Not a single decipherable word was exchanged, only droning voices from both our mouths. But still the information conveyed. More thoughts came to me. Perhaps if I kill him now, the world will never know? I’ll leave. No one will see. No one will know. No one will remember. I pictured two cats in a microwave, clawing at the door and struggling for footing on the spinning plate. I’ll remember. Droning came out of my mouth, followed by more from Sempi. We had just exchanged secrets. I felt some information leave my mind, information I still cannot remember but that I swear must have meant something. I felt some information enter in return-- Sheet music for a piece in D# minor, still permanently frozen in my mind to this day. Playing the piano part recently felt like rediscovering an old love that never existed. The Sempiternity droned something I did not understand. I looked at their face and saw, for a second, seven eyes through their blindfold. This is it, isn’t it? This is the moment I die, the moment I finally atone for what I’ve done. Coestts has come for me, come to take my thoughts away, come to leave my body wandering emptily through life with no meaning behind my eyes. That’s when the bus arrived. I paid my ticket, and sat down near the front.

We rode mostly in silence. Other people sat behind us, filling the bus. A window was open. It was cold. I looked out the window for most of the ride. I saw nothing, nothing I can remember anyway. My thoughts were absent. It was boring. At one point, Sempi spoke. The information entering my head this time pertained to some ancient civilization, now extinct. Their religion outlasted their culture, with practitioners executing innocents in hopes of one day being forgiven. I asked a question, something about rumors. The slender man answered. One remained from the ancient civilization, an immortal sage who led his murderous people throughout more than just history. Sempi ended the droning, leaving one thought floating in my head. We’re going to see his tomb. The bus stopped, and the door opened. The events which transpired afterwards proceeded, in succession, less lucidly than even those before. In recollection, I cannot hope to transcribe their accuracy, let alone nuance of meaning, any more than I might hope to interpret a dream.

TOMB OF TURIN The Sempiternity and I walked, through a gift shop, down a narrow stone staircase into the dark depths of deteriorated dominion. The stairs crumbled and rumbled, promising unsafe travels and refusing to ascertain our return.

TURN AROUND NOW We surfaced at a chamber with faded red carpet and unlit candles. Sealed treasure chests of varying size littered the area, with locks unable to be opened for so long that they’d corroded. A throne of glass loomed over the room. However, the central features, despite all this majesty, were the paintings above the throne.

MOVING PICTURES One king, elected despot, contradicted logic. He ate children across the sands, one family at a time. His name was Neferkaapep. Neferkaweneg appealed to Thoth, gun in hand. Neferkaapophis conquered sky in his father’s name. Ma’at at feet of Neferkaapepi. Weneg breaking the door open, ascended. Horus and Osiris dreading darkness, and Nyarlathotep carrying black paint.

WINDOWS Ra’s boat, rebuilt, seeing great lands again. Mama Qucha doing Ch’aska Quyllur’s job. Hermes and his hairless heart. Trees with no leaves.

NAMES Neferkaapep Neferkaapepi Neferkaapophis Turin Onnekas kameelperd

PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE In the next room, there stood the sarcophagus itself. It was empty. The coffin's interior swallowed us, sending us careening into an abysmal expanse. I could no longer see the Sempiternity; instead I saw what the blind see. More on this later.“)

[PREV LOG] [TABLE OF CONTENTS] [NEXT LOG]

[remembertheplunge]

Another journal entry

3/18/2017

Synchronicities abound today.

The decision to hire Calib and fire Jeromy changed history. (Calib and Jeromy were my gym personal trainers. Calib worked at the In Shape gym in Manteca. Jeromy worked at the same gym in Modesto, California)

I met Anthony. Gave him a ride to Modesto. Dropped him at the Transportation Center (Bus station) after checking out shelters. I met Anthony as I was leaving the Manteca gym after a training session with Calib.

Got a massage.

Went back to the bus station looking for Anthony.

Ran into DJ headed for Florida. Took him out to dinner at Chipotle Grill. Tattooed hunk works there. DJ was the first homeless person I had let spend the night at my house a few days prior.

Back to bus station. Antonio finds us. bought a ticket to LA for him ( Cost $66)

DJ nixes that deal. He said the LA bus station would be to dangerous for Anthony. DJ’s bus leaves at 7:20 pm.

Antonio and I left prior to go to the Gospel Mission Shelter, where, he gets a bed.

Tah Dah!

That lasted from from 10:45 (Gave Anthony a ride from Manteca to Modesto) to 7:45pm (Dropped Anthony at the Gospel Mission)

Powerful experience, just witnessing the Mission.

3/19/2017

Dishwasher sloshes.

Heater Hums.

And, the Gospel Mission slumbers.

DJ’s 7 hours into his Greyhound pilgrimage to Florida. Anthony sleeps in the fold of sanctuary.

And, I sit in awe of it all. A little worried about the money I spent. But, in awe.

It all came about yesterday because of the Trader Joe’s bags. (I passed out Trader Joe bags containing food and other street life essentials. I did this in 12 cities.)

They are a point of connection. Flint for the match to ignite. Unseen too visualize, in handing them ( the homeless) the bag, they become human beings.

Who can I tell about this? No one, really. The “seen” shun the “unseen”.

Mention of the unseen’s existence threatens the seen.

The unseen: homeless, gay, alcoholic. I talk about and I walk with all three I’m a moving wave of agitation through the quite pool of the satiated.

3/19/2017. 10pm

Fantastic day! Despite a few troll encounters.

I ended up in Sacramento. I needed to drive and to think and to feel.

Cider House Rules left me crying in the in Shape gym Prescott parking lot this morning. The DJ and Anthony pilgrimages hit hard. One troll called them monsters.

Fuck him.

Tim did, too, sort of.

The collective Tuesday to Saturday experience was heart wrenching.

Deep, ragged, dark beauty.

End of entry

Notes

Trolls were people I told about my homeless encounters who condemned the homeless and my association with them.

The crying session to Cider House Rules them from the movie sound track was the moment where I could “see” the homeless. And, thus, they could see me. It was an epiphany.

I asked “ who can I tell this to?”.

I told it to the journal.

It’s always there for you when there is no human connection. No one there to hear it.

I ended up having about 10 homeless men live in my house for next 7 months.

I will be sharing entries from the journal about this adventure and what happened in my life that led to it.

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Colin Fisher

Photo by ilyse krivel

Toronto-based multi-instrumentalist Colin Fisher is on a constant quest for the ecstatic through sound. His journey has taken him in many directions, from the math-rock inspired group Sing That Yell That Spell, to the fiery free improvisation duo Not the Wind, Not the Flag. As a band leader, his free jazz quartet released the white-hot Living Midnight for Astral Spirits in 2020, about which Derek Taylor wrote, “Passages of ruminant restraint alternate with excoriating blasts and outbursts, but the means always remains intelligible and momentum driven whether full-steam or incremental.” Solo, Fisher has recently wafted in a more contemplative direction that might see him associated with the new age revival, but this work is as exploratory and engaging as his most spirited improvisational outings. Here, he lists some of the pieces within which he experiences the sublime.

Jean-Pierre Leguay — Chant d’Airain

Some of my first experiences with the sublime in music were in church. I abhorred being in church (and would even attempt to hide to avoid attendance) but at the end of service the organist played as the congregation filed out. The selections were usually secular and I can remember my rapt attention. Not because of some aesthetic taste but because I was having a physical/biological response to the sounds. Being in the resonant chamber of the cathedral provided a fully immersive experience. Rather than suggest whatever music was being played at the time I’m going to fast forward to my mid 20s… While in the same church, I heard the principal organist of Notre Dame improvise with some Messiaen-symmetrical ideas that lifted me out of my corporeal form and left me sobbing in a church pew at the very church I would have done everything in my power not to be present in as a child. The organist was Jean-Pierre Leguay.

Ravi Shankar — At Monterey Pop

An early transmission from what seemed like outer space at the time, as a young child I heard the sounds of Ravi Shankar and Alla Rakha live at Monterey Pop (my parents had this and the record with Yehudi Menuhin.) Ravi is far from my fav Hindustani musician or sitarist, of which I have innumerable favorites now. But I’m particularly enamored with Vilayat Khan after reading his biography, The Sixth String of Vilayat Khan, a couple of years ago. Pandit Pran Nath is also a huge inspiration.

Polvo — Cor-Crane Secret

Without sifting through the rubble of my punk/hardcore teens (which was totally legit inspirational beauty, from Minor Threat and straight edge to grunge, etc.) I want to highlight a band that literally changed my life in my mid to late teens. When I first heard Cor-Crane Secret by Polvo, I didn’t realize that music like this existed. It gave me permission to go on long wonky improvisational explorations — endless melodies and whammied chords that would go on for hours sometimes. I also got to see them on the Today’s Active Lifestyles tour when I was 18, totally life changing.

Ornette Coleman — The Shape of Jazz to Come

The next stage I’ll focus on has a little more girth: my introduction to jazz/free jazz/improv/fusion. I think I first discovered this music by accident. I remember seeing a clip of Monk on the news the day he died. I was much younger, and I thought to myself “this music is like an alien transmission!” But I put that away in the vaults for a couple of decades. I also remember seeing a clip on TV of a soprano player at a jazz fest in Toronto, playing the craziest shit I’d ever heard (once again on a news program,) but had little-to-no context. The clip lasted probably 10 seconds but felt longer and I remember thinking something like “this is more punk rock than punk rock!” hahaha. So, there was a hunger there that I needed to satiate. But I had no access to any recordings where I lived. I remember reading books at the library about jazz history and the only CDs I could borrow were Manteca or big band music. I had to imagine what Song X sounded like for the time being. Ornette’s The Shape of Jazz to Come was one of the first albums I actually bought, and it was more magical than any description could possibly illustrate. As pedestrian as this may seem to everyone now, it was another life changer for me. I can remember late nights sitting by myself, probably super high on good weed, listening to “Lonely Woman” and weeping.

John McLaughlin — Extrapolation

In my early days of discovering jazz, I also came across the music of John Mclaughlin, initially via Mahavishnu Orchestra. His whole profile as a guitarist was incredibly inspiring for me — someone who had an equal footing in jazz, Flamenco, Indian classical music and fusion — a model for what I could become as a player (although I don’t think our styles are really even that comparable.) One of his albums that I think is maybe overlooked in his career is Extrapolation which has an incredible lineup and the compositions are incredible.

John Coltrane — Interstellar Space

In considering this list I’m realizing there’s no way I can touch on all the music that has shaped me. But there is an album that’s shaped a great deal in terms of how I play and in what seems to be my favorite type of collaborative setting — the duo. Interstellar Space is an absolute masterpiece. Everything feels raw — the intensity, the interplay, the emotion. As much as I love so much of John Coltrane’s music, there’s something about this record that was akin to hearing punk music for the first time. There’s an immediacy to expression and interaction. And it was something that felt available to me (certainly not his virtuoso chops, which felt otherworldly — an unscalable monolith.) The direct communication between two people was a revelation and the content of this music felt like something I could mine for the rest of my life.

The Ivo Perelman Trio — “Cantilena”

Fast-forward another few years or more and I had travelled with some good friends to NYC for I think it was the JVC Jazz Fest. We wanted to see MMW play (of whom I still think Friday Afternoon In the Universe is a perfect album.) While we were there though, we saw so much beautiful music that blew me away. The most significant for me though, was catching the last 10 minutes of a set by the Ivo Perelman trio in Tribeca somewhere (the trio was with Jay Rosen on drums and Dominic Duval on bass, who I played with several years later. RIP). It was electrifying. I was moved enough to go and talk to him after and he gave me an unmarked demo tape of Seeds, Vision and Counterpoint. There’s a track on the album called “Cantilena” and it really drops into this heavy space for around 10 minutes that gives me the chills every time I hear it. There is this free lyricism that is still absolutely elating to me. I love his playing and he’s still probably my favorite living saxophonist.

Marilyn Crispell — Vignettes

Masabumi Kikuchi — Out of Bounds

Using lyricism as a segue it brings me to the music of Marilyn Crispell, especially her albums Amaryllis,Nothing Ever Was Anyway, Vignettes and many others. She has a mode of free ballad playing that is absolutely transcendental. I will also mention Masabumi Kikuchi in the same breath. I find the desire more and more to play with a similar intention even though I rarely find myself in the context to do so.

Jute Gyte — Birefringence

A total shift from this narrative of discovery and development is metal music. Something I’d been listening to since my teens and getting hip to some cool thrash music through Canadian band Voivod, particularly the album Dimension Hatröss. I've continued to follow the music and all of its various subgenres and have so many favorite picks, but I’ll choose just one and it’s a total mindbender. Jute Gyte’s Birefringence actually eclipses easy category and you really just need to experience it.

Giacinto Scelsi — “Uaxuctum”

Catherine Christer Hennix — “Blues Alif Lam Mim In The Modes Of Rag Infinity/Rag Cosmosis”

My last pick is another double pick (I know I’m cheating) because it relates to the power of music and ties it into the first selection. Another current, among many, of musical obsessions is “new music.” But when I heard Giacinto Scelsi’s music for the first time it surpassed all of my previous notions about what was possible with composed music — it felt like music from an ecstatic vision. Even as I listen to the track now, it immediately accesses some occult realm of sublimity that feels similar to the music I first heard in church but with an unbridled intensity and depth.

Another more recent selection that fits into this category — but that is different in that it embraces a sort of stasis rather than dynamic movement — is the music of Catherine Christer Hennix. If you don’t know her, she’s a deep well of musical/mathematical/spiritual inspiration for me. Another music without a real equivalent in this day and age — something that echoes ancestral currents as well as the vibration of the cosmos itself. Thanks for reading/listening. Peace be with you. xoxo

[cilla44]

Wow long time no blog! I’m still alive gdi. I’m not in my most optimal state currently and I feel like I can’t form complete sentences again (hi there depression), but here I am giving an effort. I really wanted to write about seeing HIM 3 times in LA before the year ended (I saw them in October) but I can’t bring myself to finish the post. Let’s see if I can finish this one.

I think this year was full of a lot of mental illness issues and being a stronger advocate for what I believe in.

The things that used to make me happy or motivate me have no meaning anymore. I’m trying daily to find reason behind actions, but I end up disassociating at the end of the day. I think this year was supposed to play out like this however. I could say that I’m like the woman in the Amelie movie who decided to get her sleep over with in the beginning of her life so she can have more energy later in life to do things and this was my year to do that, or I can say that I’ve hit rock bottom and I can’t go anywhere else but up. Even if up isn’t enticing or exciting at the moment. I can’t go sideways but soon I’ll start looking up. I’m still being melancholic but I know the moment will happen. It’s how I tend to live my life. Pretty stable throughout the year then I get this burst of excitement to travel or change something up drastically. I trust myself.

I attended many PRIDE celebrations, was very outspoken about my sexuality, committed FULLY to being vegan, and protested when I could. I’m glad that I’ve found a way to support causes I care about in a way that makes a difference. Just educating people randomly on what Asexuality, Demisexuality, or Greysexuality is or even shining light on some aspects of the horrors of the meat industry gave me reason at the beginning of the year. I still fight for these ethics and will continue to make those who identify with my morals proud.

Right now I’m sitting in my empty apartment typing this on December 28 in the morning. I’m moving to San Jose in a few weeks with roommates, so I won’t be as single living as I would like but it saves me a ton of money to room with others and the girls are nice professionals. I’m moving again because I got another job offer. My previous job showed its true colors a few months shy of a year and that’s all I’ll say about that place. I’ll just keep doing my best and try not to stress too much. I’ve accomplished more than almost anyone else in my family so far (save my grandpa on my dad’s side and an aunt), so my biggest and truest critic is me.

I’ll type out my goals for the new year at the end of this post as well, but let’s get onto the monthly photo recap!

January

Moved from Manteca, CA to Fremont, CA.

Took a lot of time to meditate and explore spirituality. The above photo is from a park that I used to frequent on the weekends to give myself peace of mind.

February

Learned how to do my taxes myself.

Also learned how to not take everything seriously.

March

Birthday! Funny story: The cake above was sent to me at 8:30pm & because I’m paranoid I thought it was a bomb or something but then my mom calls me to say Happy Birthday & that she bought me a vegan cake from a bakery nearby LOL

HIM announced their breakup & I start planning for Tuska. March 5th, 2017

Became close friends with a dear friend from my shitty first big girl job.

Discovered one of my favorite podcasts 2 Dope Queens

April

Got invisalign! Finally right? Here’s the link to my Orthodontist if you’re keen.

Found out I have an enlarged right atrium in my heart which is why I feel like I’m having a heart attack often. Coupled with my spine being twisted it’s hard to breathe on my left lung. I should probably be more proactive about this lol

May

Got my 23&me test results back!

55% – East Asian & Native American

25.8% – Southeast Asian

21.7% – Native American

20.3% – Southern European

11.6% – Sub-Saharan African

6% – Unassigned

& some other fillers lol

Saw Sabaton in San Francisco with some Googlers & punched a guy for touching my butt

Momma came to visit! I bought her a vegan cake, cooked her vegan food at home, had her try Souley Vegan, took her all the way to Yosemite National Park, stopped by a random farm stand on our way back, took her all the way to Monterrey Bay, and of course a day in San Francisco where she rode the BART for the first time & we stumbled upon a Carnival celebration!

June

Spoke on a Google Panel about Asexuality

Walked in the San Francisco PRIDE parade with the ACE contingent. Super fun as always!

WENT TO FINLAND!!!!

Click to Enlarge!

July

Bro came to visit with his girlfriend so we spent the day in San Francisco

Had the most amazing and memorable time in Finland!

Met Ville Valo’s dad! He is the sweetest man alive!

Saw HIM at HAM (Helsinki Art Museum)

Went to the Moomin cafe & bought like every Moomin mug there!

Saw a ton of tourist attractions that were gorgeous!

Met so many friendly people!

Tuska was the BEST festival I’ve been to so far! Standing for 6 hours to see HIM play in their homeland was the best present I could ever give to myself!

I can rave about Finland all day so I’ll stop 😀

Spent a few hours in the absolutely beautiful city of Stockholm, Sweden! I definitely need to go back!

Spent a day in Estonia and visited the Depeche Mode Baar!

August

Went through a tough time but made it through because of the support of my closest friends and trusted family members.

Started recording Spirit Detectives podcast & started the Spirit Detectives blog with my best friend in Tejas.

Started working at my current job.

Family in H-Town survived Hurricane Harvey

Started up an apron business, Sioux Aprons, with my mom.

September

Saw Apocalyptica in Oakland!

Really delved into self care this month.

Volunteered at Oakland PRIDE at the Asexual booth

October

Managed through a huge NorCal wildfire

Got an IUD because my BCP stopped working.

Went to LA to see HIM for the last time.

Made so much eye contact with Ville (he sung to me so many times! How could I be so lucky!?), Burton, & Linde!

Was in either the first or third row in GA PIT and first row in GA.

Amazing amazing amazing

Got my first tattoo!

Saw Yelle live for the first time finally!

Went to Disneyland & Universal Studios again 🙂

October was obviously a month where I got some energy (besides June/July)

November

Saw Children of Bodom live for the first time! & was in 2nd row! They were perfect and amazing! The crowd was friendly and fun too 🙂

Started experimenting with Instagram: cilla44

@ellenwilbergart

December

Moved to San Jose

  2018 Goals

Drink more water.

You get dehydrated easily and drinking water allows you to take a moment to calm down during the day.

Exercise 3 times a week.

Your scoliosis + your period doesn’t always allow you to work out consistently, but let’s shoot for 3 times a week. Definitely once a week for your mental health.

Live with no fear.

You’re always prepared for every and any scenario and how many times do all of them come true? When it does come true it was insignificant in the larger picture right? So stop wasting your time being anxious about the million of outcomes that could occur and just live your life in the moment. You know, most of your awkward interactions with people is because you’re waiting for them to react so that you can make your next move. When things happen just take them as they come rather than creating a safety net for yourself that doesn’t help you in the long run.

Keep learning.

Stay humble. You’re a smart person and I know you hate wasting time, but read more. Even if you think you know what the article is trying to sell you, seek a news base with quality writing.

Be patient & take your time.

You’re always rushing to finish things. You consciously do this because you want to be efficient so that you have optimal down time. What you’re missing is the journey. Of course you could finish something quickly, but don’t get mad when people want to interact with you in the middle of getting it done. It’s not necessarily “life is about the journey not the end result” but you should find a balance otherwise you’ll go too fast, crash and burn.

Also reflecting is important. You say this every year but TAKE YOUR TIME.

  I’m actually finishing up this post just shy of 2 hours from New Years/midnight. I’m realizing that my life isn’t ordinary. I’m a single girl that’s traveled abroad alone, traveled to another country for a metal festival, works in tech, is asexual, intelligent, vegan, and doesn’t take crap from anyone. I’m not meant to live a normal life of find a man, marry young, have kids, buy a house, and settle down. I’m mobile and I love it. I move often but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Everything that life has given me so far has strengthened me and allowed me to trust myself from different angles. I’m open to new experiences and new environments. I don’t know if I could survive normalcy, and I don’t want to try. I would rather save up money to have lasting experiences that not everyone can afford than go out every weekend and blow my check. I’d rather throw glitter or clay molded into tiny fruit on my face than be too afraid not to. I’d rather believe in the welfare of others that don’t speak the same language as me or have a voice in the first place and fight for their freedom as much as I can. My ancestors accomplished a lot and I want to make them proud for however long I’m here on this Earth.

Later Sweethearts, Cilla

2017 Review Wow long time no blog! I'm still alive gdi. I'm not in my most optimal state currently and I feel like I can't form complete sentences again (hi there depression), but here I am giving an effort.

[putris-et-mulier]

I love Deadpool's relationship with his daughter, Ellie. I can't help but feel a bit heart broken though since I grew up in an abusive household and it's like this guy who has had the shittiest life and overcame it all and in the end was like "Y'know what i'm not going to be a dick to my child. I'm not gonna humiliate them and abuse them." Like that thought probably didn't even run through his head, he just fucking loved her from the start. He's a better parent than most and has had it worse.

I think the reason he’s a better parent is because he has had it worse.

The character of Deadpool appeals to me because he reminds me of my father and I had a great relationship with my father. Very few people do, and when they do their father tends to be disabled. 

My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic, I’m sure you can already see the relation to Deadpool, and he wasn’t violent or mean or scary. My dad was a pacifist, he raised me by himself, he always associated himself with the people in town that most wanted nothing to do with like the homeless and disabled and drug addicts and those who are a combination of all three.

I realized who my father was one day when we went to a local restaurant and one of the waitresses came up to him, visibly frustrated, and said that there were two homeless people from out of town that were sleeping behind the restaurant and they couldn’t get rid of them. She didn’t ask my dad if he could help them. She told him, “take them wherever they need to go, drive them out of town” and my father got angry which was alarming because he generally didn’t get angry.

He was scary. To other people. Everyone knew about his diagnosis, everyone knew he had been in jail too many times to count, he was well over 6 feet tall, he had a very broad and large figure at any weight, he had two scars across his face that gnarled some of his features and he tried to hide that by wearing a baseball cap he kept low over his eyes and a full beard like Grizzly Adams.

This probably sounds fake, but it’s entirely true.

Again, very much like Deadpool but it took me a long kink shaming moment to realize the connection.

Dad very angrily addressed her and the entire restaurant full of locals that he wasn’t at their beck and call, everyone took for granted that dad would take care of everyone and thing that no one wanted around and he wasn’t doing it for the sake of anyone in the restaurant, he was doing it because it was his choice to do it and it would remain his choice.

He sat down and firmly placed an order.

It blew my mind. Just his tone of voice made me anxious but by looking around I could see that everyone was actually scared. Dad sat there like a total badass, behaving as if nothing had happened while everyone started whispering. The waitress ran to the back and she, the other waitresses, and the manager had a conversation that wasn’t as quiet as they thought about what they were going to do. What was going to happen if dad didn’t take them somewhere? It was inconceivable.

Eventually the initial waitress came to our table, very meekly apologized, and asked if he could help the people outside. He said he would but no one was going to expect or demand anything from him ever again.

The two people were a couple, drug addicts but homeless because they got in a fight with their friends andhad been kickedout of the car in Manteca, where we lived, and never came back and they had no money on them. It was shitty but it wasn’t exactly unusual because we lived in what they call the North Central Valley of California and until a few years ago were just a town that you would get gas in on your way to LA or San Francisco or even further up north to go skiing. You did have the option of our one motel though but it was effectively an apartment building. We did, and still do, have the “Rose motel” but it’s a brothel.

Dad told them to get in the car and then dropped me off at school. The staff saw them in our van because dad (still pretty surly) said he would get me out of the car and told the man to get out and open it up for me. The guy looked incredulous and dad said something to the effect of “if I have to pay for the gas to take you guys home you could at least work for it” and the dude fell over himself to open the van even though dad very easily could have done it himself. The guy had clearly done a lot of drugs over the years and looked like he had been living on the streets for a few days (because he had) so the staff were disgusted, especially when they saw a woman inside in a similar condition.

Dad took off and one of the staff members tentatively asked me who “those people” were in such a way that I knew meant whether this was a common thing or not and I was naïve enough to think that they were worried. I said, and give me a break because I was little at the time, “it was really mean, their friends left them here and they can’t go home so daddy is taking them home” and she asked me why as if it was a bad thing and all I could think to say was “because they want to go home.”

That was the day he became my father. We had been together circumstantially from my perspective, although I loved him that was the day I realized I wanted him to be my father, not anyone else. It was my choice.

I told this excruciatingly long story because most people I meet, especially women, don’t believe that men have the capacity to be like that. They don’t even believe there is a man out there who won’t abuse women close to them in some fashion. My dad was a unicorn I guess.

But there are many other unicorns, you just don’t hear about them because they aren’t on the news being arrested for murder. My dad acted as a temporary father or brother or uncle for anyone who needed it and he loved children so any that I said were nice to me he would take out for activities like drop us off at the fish farm and shoot the shit with the farmer (it was part of an actual farm) while we dared each other to touch fish with our bare hands for a couple hours. He was their temporary dad and I’m sure some of them needed one.

A family are people that respect you and keep you safe. Whether you are blood related to them or not doesn’t matter. You’ll find your father somewhere else; you might find multiple ones to be temporary like my dad was with people passing through. There are good people out there and they legitimately need you because most of them also need surrogate or temporary children or siblings.

[nickyschneiderus]

A lot of people aren’t happy Beto O’Rourke lost to Ted Cruz in Texas

After Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) kept his seat in Texas, holding off a strong showing from Texas state Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-El Paso), many people online were not happy.

O’Rourke, who raised an enormous amount of cash and drew national fixation, had clearly captured the hearts of people online. Many people made their thoughts known almost immediately after the race had been called.

The loss for the Democratic candidate was not met well on Twitter, though some people had hope about O’Rourke’s future.

Cruz over Beto O’Rourke? Really? Disgusting!

— Roxy

(@Roxygirl1960) November 7, 2018

A state that elects Ted Cruz fucking deserves him. I look forward to supporting Beto O'Rourke when he is eventually elected somewhere. #ElectionNight

— Brent Piaskoski (@BrentPiaskoski) November 7, 2018

the question to Texas isn’t why didn’t you vote for Beto O’Rourke… the real question is how tf could you vote for Ted Cruz again

— Bajo Stefano ㊼ (@blondedstefano) November 7, 2018

Live in MI but…. damn …..was praying for Texas to pull their heads out of their asses and vote the O'Rourke…..but no they choose the moron Cruz again. CRAP!!!!!!!

— Sylwia Tkaczyk (@Sylwia_T1) November 7, 2018

I truly do not understand how one can with good conscious can pick fucking ted cruz over Beto O’Rourke…. I don’t fucking get it

— claudz (@_Cloudia9G) November 7, 2018

Beto O’rourke losing to spineless Ted Cruz hurts not going to lie, but I’m looking at the glass half full #Beto2020 let’s go! pic.twitter.com/7W2pUi6CMe

— El Mantecas (@ascio619) November 7, 2018

me seeing that Cruz just beat MY MF MAN BETO O’ROURKE pic.twitter.com/wrxDjnpwkV

— e (@daoquon) November 7, 2018

i swear to FUCKING god is beto o’rourke doesnt get elected i will fist fight every person who voted for ted cruz

— turkeys are sad but i’m sadder (@janeejpg) November 7, 2018

Clearly people online had a candidate they wanted to see win.

READ MORE:

Ted Cruz holds off Beto O’Rourke in Texas Senate election

Rashida Tlaib wins Michigan’s 13th, becomes first Palestinian-American in Congress

This fedora-wearing kid has it out for Beto O’Rourke

from Ricky Schneiderus Curation https://www.dailydot.com/layer8/beto-o-rourke-texas-loss-reactions/

[top1course]

How To Become Rich In 2019 (3 Ways) – Ryan Hildreth

So I’m guessing you came to this video because you actually care about making more money and, can increasing your income now, if you’re someone who hates their nine-to-five or just wants to travel more or have that time freedom to spend with friends and family, or just doing things that you love but that’s you, bennett video can be perfect for you, because I’m going to show you the three, high-income skill sets that you can learn, today show choir massive amounts of wealth in 2019, and increase your income so let’s go ahead and dive into it, if you don’t know who I am my name is Ryan Hildreth I’m a seven-figure online entrepreneur, i created multiple businesses in the past 2 years, repeats generated, multiple six figures, an income, i’ve been able to quit my nine-to-five job, travel the world, drive my dream car, as well as, purchase investment properties for my family’s future, As well as Mary my dream woman now, these are, awesome experiences in, any of these experiences are something that you want to have in your life, then you’re going to want to hear, all three of these skill sets now, i’m going to go in order of start up cost, and then I’m going to dive into kind of pros and cons, each skill sets of the last skill set that I’m going to list is probably going to be the hardest to learn, but yields, the most, rewards okay meaning you get paid the most, from this last skill set, let’s go ahead and dive into skillset number one, now this was actually the first business, i built, in 2017 which was a social media Market, getting agency now you probably heard this, somewhere online that, people are creating social media marketing agencies, and getting local businesses, 2, i’ll pay them, to manage their social media, and help them get more customer, this is very true this is a very, high level high, skillset, do you can acquire today right you can learn this today, and go out and get quiet, tomorrow, now there are some, key differences, in the way that social media marketing, was., last year vs this year and so on, facebook, has definitely gotten, i’m a little bit harder to, manage, and that account right, that accounts have been getting blocked, so what you’re going to want to do is when you start a social media Market, can agency, you’re going to want to, you going to have to learn, google, adWords, okay so you’re going to want to learn different forms of advertising, things such as Google AdWords, youTube pre-roll ads, as well as Facebook advertising, and even being a, so, That’s going to be.

The, kind of barrier venture, is just your learning, now how much does it cost to start, in social media Market, green agency, when I first started it cost me $10, for business card, i said I didn’t even need so, i would say it would cost $0, to get started, in social media Market, okay all you have to do is learn the skill set, then go out, approach local businesses that need help with their social media they need help getting more customers online, because, frankly most of them don’t even have, facebook page or an Instagram page, and help him with that, portion of their busy, that’s what marketing, and if you can get them more customers, they are going to be able to, pay you more, okay so, is it very easy business to start up, you just have to acquire the skill set and then once you do that you learn Facebook advertising and social media marketing which I, I have mentorship down below, if you want to learn from me, or you can go check out the free, playlist on my channel, i’m hot how I built a 6 Figure social media marketing agency, manteca check out that playlist, and basically go through those videos, and learn exactly, what it is that I do with Social Media Markt, self, start of capital is going to be, $0, stop the best part, the time it takes to acquire a client could take you anywhere from one day, 230 days, depending on, you know how diligent you are how many clients you approach, right you can go to your local, nail salon, hair salon, or you can go to your local restaurant or real estate agent, and try to help them out with their social media, you can go out and get a client today that would pay you anywhere from a thousand, The $5,000 sew in, i would say that your monthly income from Social Media Marketing, there is definitely no cap, you can hire you can acquire as many clients as that you can handle, and I would say, you’re on your own you could probably handle 3 to 5, appliance, after that five client Mark you’re going to want to get some help, assistance, or online assistance, on fiverr.com or upwork.com, i’m so there is definitely no income cap, with social media marketing, and that’s why, i consider it a, a high-income skill set, that you can definitely make six figures, in your first year with, now this was a business that I created, and I was generating, six figures, in monthly income, house in generating around $9,000 a month which, equates to 6 a six-figure income in a year, And I did that, in my third month, social media marketing, very easy to start, zero startup capital, and you can acquire a client, literally today, if you go out in, now cons of social media marketing, it’s definitely a lot of work this is not a passive skill set this is something that you’re, that takes work, if it develops, a relationship with your client, and you’re going to have to learn, social skills right you’re going to have to be able to, what octave is, be comfortable with going out, and pitching your services, so I would say that’s the biggest barrier of Entry, i’m for people that are not comfortable with talking, the others, this might be a little bit harder for you, but you can definitely go out there and learn, and acquire some social skills by practicing, pitching your services, but if you’re someone who absolutely, Cannot.

Go and talk to other people, then this, skillset, might not be the best for you so that would be, the only con with social media marketing is that it’s a lot of upfront work, and, you’re going to have to, can have people skills, and develop relationships, the clients, her skill-set number two, this skill-set was something that I did, few months, what’s into my social media marketing, nC I was learning, what is called affiliate marketing, now it’s very similar to, to social media marketing, you’re helping businesses, you know sell more products, and services, but, you don’t have to go approach those businesses, what is called an affiliate Network, okay you can go on CBS affiliate networks and there’s thousands of businesses that need you to help them, sell their product, that’s online so you don’t even have to pitch them, they want you to sell it they approve you right away, Able to generate, passive income what I like, like all passive income, doing affiliate marketing now this is probably, one of my, highest sources of income, i love affiliate marketing I continue to do it to this, and it is something that is almost, completely passive once you set up your camp, campaign, you do The Upfront work with your advertising, then you kind of just, sit back, watch your campaign, optimize them, and the sales come in in your commissions come in, on autopilot now, what exactly is affiliate marketing, now affiliate marketing, is basically you’re connecting a buyer, of a product with a seller of products, maybe someone is searching, for a pair of Nike shoes, online, and Nike gives you an affiliate link, the cell, a pair of Nike shoes, you are finding that buyer that’s already searching for Nike, Issues maybe they’re trying to figure out which, which, type of Nike shoes they want, and you are the one, to you’re the one, who sells it so they click on your link, buy the Nike pair of shoes and you get let’s say, a 20%, affiliate Commission, jen Selter 100, you get 20 bucks, for that sale, now this is something that is, start a capital I would say, you’re probably going to want around 500 to $700, an Advertiser, netSpend, now there are ways to do this, for free with zero startup capital, but that requires, there’s a little more work, so if you’re someone who, yo wants to kind of learn this quickly, and get things going on the road then, you’re probably going to want to have a little bit to spend on an ad budget, anywhere from 500, $700, now if you want to start off, completely scratch like I did, You can still make anywhere from five to 10 grand a month, with completely free traffic, okay so this is something that I started, with zero startup capital, and I was making anywhere from 5, the 10 grand a month but, i had to start spending money on, advertising, in order to increase my affiliate Commission, so this is something that, you can expect I would say social media marketing you could have, inspecting, expect an income anywhere from five grand, 215 Grand per month, by yourself, and then anything after that you’re going to have to, to hire an assistant, and with, affiliate marketing, i would say you can get, easily gets, 10 grand a month, a with free traffic, all by yourself, now, i have a friend, he’s a buddy of mine, who is a super affiliate, $50,000 a month or more so this is something that, you know with, time and scale, You can definitely make.

Large amounts of money with affiliate marketing, so start of capital I would say 500 to $700, prose, very, fast to learn you learn as quickly you don’t have to, the talk to anyone, it’ll be in the comfort of your own home, and you don’t have to, pitch business owners on your service, you can just get, approved for an affiliate campaign, and go right ahead and doing your thing, thanks, that’s the pros, the cons is going to be that, you know there are technical aspects, affiliate marketing stitches, setting up your ad, optimize, getting ads and then if you get an ad account shut down how do you get one back, that’s going to be the only thing, but other than that I would say affiliate marketing, it’s definitely, my favorite and that’s why I listed it, that number two now number three skill set, Is my all-time favorite now this one is going to be, probably the hardest to learn because, you have to have, some sort of skill-set right you don’t have to be the absolute best, at whatever you do but you have to be able to acquire a skill set, and I can take you anywhere from 3 months, 2 a year, cell, what is the number three sources of income for me, and how you can build, massive amounts of wealth in 2019 is by selling, digital courses so digital course launches, and this is something that I actually, have a free webinar down below, kobe 6 Figure launch sequence where I show p, people how to launch, an online course, in the next 60 days, it had a profit 6 figures from that, now this is going to be, definitely mine, one of my, top sources of, sources of income right next to affiliate Market, I can make anywhere from, 20 thousand a month, two importance of $80,000, 4 months, from selling digital courses because I, applied the skill sets, that I learned from social media marketing, an affiliate marketing, the cell, an online course, okay, and then I also teach those high-income skill sets online so, all these these three skill sets that I learned right, they’re amazing, if you’re able to teach, what you learned, and you’re able to charge, a premium for that, that is, i’m going to be the by far, almost the number one source of income and that’s kind of something that I, managed to perfect is digital horse launches I’ve done, 5 digital course launches, all on skill sets that I’ve learned whether from taking other courses or hiring mentors to help me, and I’ve been able to, i do multiple six figures with each one of those course launch, that is something that, You know I’m very fond of, online Edge, education teaching people skill sets that they want to learn that they’re not learning in school or the public education system, and this is definitely, startup Capital needed, really you don’t have to have, any start-up capital, but again, 500 to $1,000 an hour, netSpend would definitely help, okay, time you stepped in to help you get further along when you are launching, digital course on how to, you know teaching how to do social Media Market, teaching how to do affiliate Market, just like I have, what side of capital, definitely 502a thousand if you want to get things off the ground, and it’s going to take, more time, okay this is going to take longer than social media marketing, we can go out and get a client, tomorrow, this is going to take longer than affiliate marketing, where you can set up an affiliate can, Can pain in the neck.

Two to three days, this is going to take, sometime to setup your, but also build trust with people so that they know, hey this guy, i can teach me, or Gallatin teach me, whatever it is that I, okay so, you have to build trust with your audience you have to build trust, i’m with whoever you’re advertising to, but you can definitely scale in autumn, that with, webinars, which I also teach, in my 6-figure launch, sequence cell, those are the, 3, top sources, of income high-income skill sets that you can learn, today, and, getting massive amounts of wealth in, in 2019 now these things are, obviously constantly changing, and I would say that, you know it’s good to constantly update yourself take new courses get new mentorship, i’m from people that are currently, immersed, and whatever it is you want to learn, And especially those three things, and you know just, constantly having, an accountability partner, keeping you on track, to your goals, okay so, those are the three, high-income skill sets now if you don’t know how to do social media marketer, you don’t know how to do affiliate marketing, and you don’t know how to launch an online course, all the resources are down below, you can watch, free content that I’ve, created for you, imalive mask, class for my 6-figure launch sequence, and you can get all that down below or hear my youth, youTube channel make sure to hit the Subscribe button, can-Am like button, comment down below which, skillset, are you going to master, in 2018 so that in 2019 UK, gain massive, amounts of wealth let me know comment down below, and I’ll see you in the next video, take care.

from WordPress https://top1course.com/how-to-become-rich-in-2019-3-ways-ryan-hildreth/

[stephenmccull]

Congressional Candidates Go Head-To-Head On Health Care — Again

The California Democrats who fought to flip Republican congressional seats in 2018 used health care as their crowbar. The Republicans had just voted to repeal the Affordable Care Act in the U.S. House — and Democrats didn’t let voters forget it.

Two years later, Democrats are defending the seven seats they flipped from red to blue in California. And once again, they plan to go after their Republican opponents on health care in this year’s elections.

But this time around, it’s not just about the Affordable Care Act, whose fate now rests with the federal courts. Democrats are highlighting the high costs of prescription drugs, surprise medical bills and cuts to safety-net programs.

Health care “remains the single-biggest priority for most voters in 2020,” said U.S. Rep. Josh Harder, a Democrat who represents California’s 10th congressional district, in the northern San Joaquin Valley, which includes the cities of Modesto, Turlock, Tracy and Manteca.

Harder, who defeated Republican Jeff Denham in 2018, made the case then that eliminating the federal health law and its protections for people with preexisting conditions would harm thousands of people in his district, including his younger brother, whose premature birth yielded $2 million in hospital bills.

Health care affordability — from drug costs to premiums — is still the No. 1 issue his constituents raise in conversations with him, he said.

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“The problems haven’t been solved,” said Harder, who blamed the Republican-controlled U.S. Senate for stalling on health care legislation addressing prescription and other health care costs. “A lot of folks out here feel like there’s still an unbelievably long period before they can see a doctor, and they think that the costs are way too high.”

Multiple calls and emails to Republican congressional candidates and the California Republican Party requesting comment were not returned. California voters will select their party’s congressional candidates in the Super Tuesday primary March 3.

Health care is indeed a top issue for voters, confirmed Mollyann Brodie, executive director of public opinion and survey research for the Kaiser Family Foundation. (Kaiser Health News, which produces California Healthline, is an editorially independent program of the foundation.)

“What concerns people the most is health care costs and their own affordability of health care,” Brodie said. “And when we asked people what they thought Congress should be working on, prescription drug costs came right on top.”

A national Kaiser Family Foundation tracking poll from September 2019 found that 81% of Democrats and 62% of Republicans surveyed said lowering prescription drug costs should be a top priority for Congress. Voters in both parties also want Congress to maintain protections for people with preexisting conditions and limit surprise medical bills.

Both Democratic and Republican candidates are taking note and are likely to feature health care prominently in their campaigns, but their messages will be different, said Nathan Gonzales, editor and publisher of Inside Elections, a campaign analysis site.

For example, progressive Democrats often advocate for “Medicare for All,” a national health care program that would cover everyone in the U.S.

Republicans oppose this idea fervently.

“Republicans will talk about a government takeover of health care, socialism, Democratic efforts to get rid of private health insurance and the cost of Democratic plans,” Gonzales said.

Ted Howze, one of three Republicans gunning in the primary to replace Harder, fits this description. He is running for Congress after “personally struggling with the failure of the health care system,” he said during a January debate in Modesto. His first wife died in 2013 from an undiagnosed heart condition “that could have been treated,” according to his campaign website.

Among his top three priorities, he said, is making quality health care affordable for all Americans. But he proposes to do so through the private market, not more government-run programs.

“I will support any plan that covers preexisting conditions and that increases transparency and competition to drive costs down,” he said during the debate.

In at least one California district, health care has popped up in campaign advertising.

Twelve candidates are vying for the 25th Congressional District seat, which includes portions of Los Angeles and Ventura counties. The seat was vacated by former U.S. Rep. Katie Hill, a Democrat who resigned in October.

Voters in that district will face a double election on March 3: The first is a special election for the remainder of Hill’s term, which runs through the end of this year. The second is the primary for the full 2021-23 congressional term.

Among the candidates is former U.S. Rep. Steve Knight, the Republican who lost his seat to Hill in 2018. After voting to repeal Obamacare in Congress, he introduced a bill that he argued would have protected people with preexisting conditions. His campaign did not return multiple calls and emails for comment.

State Assembly member Christy Smith, a Democrat who is running for the seat, shared a personal story about prescription drug costs in her first television ad.

Smith’s mom, a nurse, “died too young because she couldn’t afford the insulin to treat her diabetes and heart disease,” Smith says in the ad.

“My mom couldn’t afford the medicine and care she needed. I’m running for Congress to make sure you can.”

Another Democratic candidate, Cenk Uygur, co-founder of “The Young Turks,” a progressive YouTube news show, also made health care the topic of his first TV ad. Tens of thousands of people die every year because they don’t have health insurance, he says in the ad. “What if your own child was one of them?”

Democrats may find more health care fodder for their campaigns as the year progresses, said Ivy Cargile, an assistant professor of political science at California State University-Bakersfield.

For instance, she said, on Feb. 10 the Trump administration released its $4.8 trillion 2020 federal budget proposal, which includes deep cuts to Medicaid, the public health insurance program for low-income people.

Medi-Cal, California’s Medicaid program, has about 13 million enrollees. “Let’s assume this goes through,” she said. “That’s going to be fresh in the mind of voters going into the general election.”

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

Congressional Candidates Go Head-To-Head On Health Care — Again published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[dinafbrownil]

Congressional Candidates Go Head-To-Head On Health Care — Again

The California Democrats who fought to flip Republican congressional seats in 2018 used health care as their crowbar. The Republicans had just voted to repeal the Affordable Care Act in the U.S. House — and Democrats didn’t let voters forget it.

Two years later, Democrats are defending the seven seats they flipped from red to blue in California. And once again, they plan to go after their Republican opponents on health care in this year’s elections.

But this time around, it’s not just about the Affordable Care Act, whose fate now rests with the federal courts. Democrats are highlighting the high costs of prescription drugs, surprise medical bills and cuts to safety-net programs.

Health care “remains the single-biggest priority for most voters in 2020,” said U.S. Rep. Josh Harder, a Democrat who represents California’s 10th congressional district, in the northern San Joaquin Valley, which includes the cities of Modesto, Turlock, Tracy and Manteca.

Harder, who defeated Republican Jeff Denham in 2018, made the case then that eliminating the federal health law and its protections for people with preexisting conditions would harm thousands of people in his district, including his younger brother, whose premature birth yielded $2 million in hospital bills.

Health care affordability — from drug costs to premiums — is still the No. 1 issue his constituents raise in conversations with him, he said.

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Sign Up

Please confirm your email address below:

Sign Up

“The problems haven’t been solved,” said Harder, who blamed the Republican-controlled U.S. Senate for stalling on health care legislation addressing prescription and other health care costs. “A lot of folks out here feel like there’s still an unbelievably long period before they can see a doctor, and they think that the costs are way too high.”

Multiple calls and emails to Republican congressional candidates and the California Republican Party requesting comment were not returned. California voters will select their party’s congressional candidates in the Super Tuesday primary March 3.

Health care is indeed a top issue for voters, confirmed Mollyann Brodie, executive director of public opinion and survey research for the Kaiser Family Foundation. (Kaiser Health News, which produces California Healthline, is an editorially independent program of the foundation.)

“What concerns people the most is health care costs and their own affordability of health care,” Brodie said. “And when we asked people what they thought Congress should be working on, prescription drug costs came right on top.”

A national Kaiser Family Foundation tracking poll from September 2019 found that 81% of Democrats and 62% of Republicans surveyed said lowering prescription drug costs should be a top priority for Congress. Voters in both parties also want Congress to maintain protections for people with preexisting conditions and limit surprise medical bills.

Both Democratic and Republican candidates are taking note and are likely to feature health care prominently in their campaigns, but their messages will be different, said Nathan Gonzales, editor and publisher of Inside Elections, a campaign analysis site.

For example, progressive Democrats often advocate for “Medicare for All,” a national health care program that would cover everyone in the U.S.

Republicans oppose this idea fervently.

“Republicans will talk about a government takeover of health care, socialism, Democratic efforts to get rid of private health insurance and the cost of Democratic plans,” Gonzales said.

Ted Howze, one of three Republicans gunning in the primary to replace Harder, fits this description. He is running for Congress after “personally struggling with the failure of the health care system,” he said during a January debate in Modesto. His first wife died in 2013 from an undiagnosed heart condition “that could have been treated,” according to his campaign website.

Among his top three priorities, he said, is making quality health care affordable for all Americans. But he proposes to do so through the private market, not more government-run programs.

“I will support any plan that covers preexisting conditions and that increases transparency and competition to drive costs down,” he said during the debate.

In at least one California district, health care has popped up in campaign advertising.

Twelve candidates are vying for the 25th Congressional District seat, which includes portions of Los Angeles and Ventura counties. The seat was vacated by former U.S. Rep. Katie Hill, a Democrat who resigned in October.

Voters in that district will face a double election on March 3: The first is a special election for the remainder of Hill’s term, which runs through the end of this year. The second is the primary for the full 2021-23 congressional term.

Among the candidates is former U.S. Rep. Steve Knight, the Republican who lost his seat to Hill in 2018. After voting to repeal Obamacare in Congress, he introduced a bill that he argued would have protected people with preexisting conditions. His campaign did not return multiple calls and emails for comment.

State Assembly member Christy Smith, a Democrat who is running for the seat, shared a personal story about prescription drug costs in her first television ad.

Smith’s mom, a nurse, “died too young because she couldn’t afford the insulin to treat her diabetes and heart disease,” Smith says in the ad.

“My mom couldn’t afford the medicine and care she needed. I’m running for Congress to make sure you can.”

Another Democratic candidate, Cenk Uygur, co-founder of “The Young Turks,” a progressive YouTube news show, also made health care the topic of his first TV ad. Tens of thousands of people die every year because they don’t have health insurance, he says in the ad. “What if your own child was one of them?”

Democrats may find more health care fodder for their campaigns as the year progresses, said Ivy Cargile, an assistant professor of political science at California State University-Bakersfield.

For instance, she said, on Feb. 10 the Trump administration released its $4.8 trillion 2020 federal budget proposal, which includes deep cuts to Medicaid, the public health insurance program for low-income people.

Medi-Cal, California’s Medicaid program, has about 13 million enrollees. “Let’s assume this goes through,” she said. “That’s going to be fresh in the mind of voters going into the general election.”

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/congressional-candidates-go-head-to-head-on-health-care-again/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Congressional Candidates Go Head-To-Head On Health Care — Again

The California Democrats who fought to flip Republican congressional seats in 2018 used health care as their crowbar. The Republicans had just voted to repeal the Affordable Care Act in the U.S. House — and Democrats didn’t let voters forget it.

Two years later, Democrats are defending the seven seats they flipped from red to blue in California. And once again, they plan to go after their Republican opponents on health care in this year’s elections.

But this time around, it’s not just about the Affordable Care Act, whose fate now rests with the federal courts. Democrats are highlighting the high costs of prescription drugs, surprise medical bills and cuts to safety-net programs.

Health care “remains the single-biggest priority for most voters in 2020,” said U.S. Rep. Josh Harder, a Democrat who represents California’s 10th congressional district, in the northern San Joaquin Valley, which includes the cities of Modesto, Turlock, Tracy and Manteca.

Harder, who defeated Republican Jeff Denham in 2018, made the case then that eliminating the federal health law and its protections for people with preexisting conditions would harm thousands of people in his district, including his younger brother, whose premature birth yielded $2 million in hospital bills.

Health care affordability — from drug costs to premiums — is still the No. 1 issue his constituents raise in conversations with him, he said.

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“The problems haven’t been solved,” said Harder, who blamed the Republican-controlled U.S. Senate for stalling on health care legislation addressing prescription and other health care costs. “A lot of folks out here feel like there’s still an unbelievably long period before they can see a doctor, and they think that the costs are way too high.”

Multiple calls and emails to Republican congressional candidates and the California Republican Party requesting comment were not returned. California voters will select their party’s congressional candidates in the Super Tuesday primary March 3.

Health care is indeed a top issue for voters, confirmed Mollyann Brodie, executive director of public opinion and survey research for the Kaiser Family Foundation. (Kaiser Health News, which produces California Healthline, is an editorially independent program of the foundation.)

“What concerns people the most is health care costs and their own affordability of health care,” Brodie said. “And when we asked people what they thought Congress should be working on, prescription drug costs came right on top.”

A national Kaiser Family Foundation tracking poll from September 2019 found that 81% of Democrats and 62% of Republicans surveyed said lowering prescription drug costs should be a top priority for Congress. Voters in both parties also want Congress to maintain protections for people with preexisting conditions and limit surprise medical bills.

Both Democratic and Republican candidates are taking note and are likely to feature health care prominently in their campaigns, but their messages will be different, said Nathan Gonzales, editor and publisher of Inside Elections, a campaign analysis site.

For example, progressive Democrats often advocate for “Medicare for All,” a national health care program that would cover everyone in the U.S.

Republicans oppose this idea fervently.

“Republicans will talk about a government takeover of health care, socialism, Democratic efforts to get rid of private health insurance and the cost of Democratic plans,” Gonzales said.

Ted Howze, one of three Republicans gunning in the primary to replace Harder, fits this description. He is running for Congress after “personally struggling with the failure of the health care system,” he said during a January debate in Modesto. His first wife died in 2013 from an undiagnosed heart condition “that could have been treated,” according to his campaign website.

Among his top three priorities, he said, is making quality health care affordable for all Americans. But he proposes to do so through the private market, not more government-run programs.

“I will support any plan that covers preexisting conditions and that increases transparency and competition to drive costs down,” he said during the debate.

In at least one California district, health care has popped up in campaign advertising.

Twelve candidates are vying for the 25th Congressional District seat, which includes portions of Los Angeles and Ventura counties. The seat was vacated by former U.S. Rep. Katie Hill, a Democrat who resigned in October.

Voters in that district will face a double election on March 3: The first is a special election for the remainder of Hill’s term, which runs through the end of this year. The second is the primary for the full 2021-23 congressional term.

Among the candidates is former U.S. Rep. Steve Knight, the Republican who lost his seat to Hill in 2018. After voting to repeal Obamacare in Congress, he introduced a bill that he argued would have protected people with preexisting conditions. His campaign did not return multiple calls and emails for comment.

State Assembly member Christy Smith, a Democrat who is running for the seat, shared a personal story about prescription drug costs in her first television ad.

Smith’s mom, a nurse, “died too young because she couldn’t afford the insulin to treat her diabetes and heart disease,” Smith says in the ad.

“My mom couldn’t afford the medicine and care she needed. I’m running for Congress to make sure you can.”

Another Democratic candidate, Cenk Uygur, co-founder of “The Young Turks,” a progressive YouTube news show, also made health care the topic of his first TV ad. Tens of thousands of people die every year because they don’t have health insurance, he says in the ad. “What if your own child was one of them?”

Democrats may find more health care fodder for their campaigns as the year progresses, said Ivy Cargile, an assistant professor of political science at California State University-Bakersfield.

For instance, she said, on Feb. 10 the Trump administration released its $4.8 trillion 2020 federal budget proposal, which includes deep cuts to Medicaid, the public health insurance program for low-income people.

Medi-Cal, California’s Medicaid program, has about 13 million enrollees. “Let’s assume this goes through,” she said. “That’s going to be fresh in the mind of voters going into the general election.”

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

Congressional Candidates Go Head-To-Head On Health Care — Again published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[shadowyartisanking-blog]

DIY Homemade Olive Backyard Salad Dressing

DIY Homemade Olive Backyard Salad Dressing

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California's real estate gold rush is even boosting Stockton, but at what price?

Steve Lopez Contact Reporter

Not long ago, the Delta city of Stockton was drowning in bad news.

It went bankrupt. It led the nation in foreclosures during the housing crash. It found itself on a list of the most miserable places to live in America. It was too far from job centers. The crime rate was high and a former mayor got slapped with criminal charges.

But now Stockton – something of a northern cousin of once-bankrupt and long-beleaguered San Bernardino -- finds itself at the top of a list of California cities with the greatest increase in home prices over the last five years, at 92%.

What happened?

How Stockton went from bust to boom

For one thing, the San Joaquin River port city had fallen so far, it had the most ground to make up.

For another, nearby burgs like Tracy, which is closer to jobs in the Bay Area and Silicon Valley, have become too expensive for many people.

The housing affordability crisis, in other words, has given a boost to Stockton, where you can still buy a nice family home in the $200,000 to $350,000 range.

But recovery can be a double-edged sword.

“Now we’re seeing rent increases, and it’s not like Coastal California, but we’re starting to have signs of housing shortages and rising prices,” said Jeff Michael, director of the Center for Business and Policy Research at University of the Pacific in Stockton.

Stockton Mayor Michael Tubbs said it’s nice to see the housing market bounce back, but he’s concerned about all the residents who will only fall farther behind as neighborhoods gentrify and costs rise.

“The median income here is $43,000, and that doesn’t equate to being able to buy a house for $300,000,” said Tubbs.

If people are feeling the squeeze in a town recently called a miserable place to live, is any California outpost safe from the affordability crisis?

On a recent Saturday, I checked out the action at several open houses in Stockton, including a three-bedroom, two-bath home with a swimming pool on Azalea Way.

“We already have one offer on the house,” real estate agent Wendy Barbieri told a shopper.

The list price, by the way, was $364,950.

This was in Lincoln Village, a leafy, upscale neighborhood with some of the city’s better schools. This same house, I guarantee you, would go for $1 million or more in much of Los Angeles, and closer to $2 million in Sunnyvale or Cupertino.

But as I was saying, when costs rise and fall, there are always winners and losers. Barbieri, the real estate agent, said longtime residents who want to move up to something a little bigger or nicer now find themselves in competition with new arrivals willing to make wretched commutes.

“There’ve been a lot of cash offers,” said Barbieri, “with buyers being outbid like crazy by cash that’s coming from the Bay Area.”

At another open house, I met a flipper, which is always a sign that prices are going up. Debra Chen said she bought a house for $172,000 and put between $50,000 and $70,000 into an upgrade. Now it’s listed for $289,999.

In a bucolic neighborhood called Swain Oaks Manor, I walked through a $349,000 listing and then met a neighbor outside. Robert Lovato, a retired teacher, didn’t see an up side to rising prices.

“It’s not good for me,” said Lovato. “It just means my taxes are going to go up.”

On the other side of that problem are Dianne and Alvin Reyes. They rented in the Milpitas-Fremont area with Dianne working as a physical therapist and Alvin as an engineer at Tesla, but they were outbid on houses they could barely afford, and rents kept rising. So they recently bought a four-bedroom house in Stockton for $345,000, and Dianne got a job close to home. Her husband, however, still commutes to Fremont, two hours down and two hours back.

“What we pay now is much less than what we paid for our rental,” said Dianne, who hopes her husband can eventually work out a transfer to a closer Tesla plant.

Deborah Gelbart, a medical assistant at an Oakland hospital, was a lifelong renter and lived near her job. But like so many other Californians who make decent money and do essential work, she was hit by the twin curses of rising rents and flat pay. So she just bought a three-bedroom in Stockton for $220,000, signing up for a long commute.

“I love my little house,” Gelbart said, telling me her new home is her first, and she sees it as an investment she might one day pass on to family.

Mayor Tubbs just bought a house himself. He said he paid $375,000, after being outbid on another one he was interested in.

Tubbs, by the way, is the son of a single mother and an incarcerated father won a City Council seat when he was 21, with Oprah Winfrey among his campaign donors. When the former White House intern became mayor last year at the age of 26, one of his endorsements was from President Obama.

Tubbs is a Stanford grad, and my interview with him had to be delayed because he was on his honeymoon after marrying his college sweetheart, a Gates scholar who is studying for her doctorate in Cambridge.

Success doesn’t have to mean leaving Stockton

Given the couples’ credentials, it seems there might have been a few other options than anchoring in Stockton. But home is home, and Tubbs was drawn to the challenge of turning around the city that took so much abuse when he was a youngster.

“As kids, you internalized it,” Tubbs said of Stockton’s years-long struggles and dubious distinctions. “I think that’s why so many folks of my generation thought that success meant leaving Stockton.”

Now he finds himself working on crime, poverty, blight and homelessness even as he deals with the ups and downs of gentrification. In that regard, he’s no different from dozens of other mayors in California.

“We’re stressing the need for all types of housing, including multi-family and high-density housing, and we’ve got a couple of projects coming to downtown,” said Tubbs, speaking from a City Hall office near the river, the marina, arts centers and the minor league baseball stadium, so the potential is there.

He said he wants to find ways to finance affordable housing, and he wants to streamline the building permit process to cut down on development costs and keep prices lower.

Tubbs has no authority over the school district, but said he’s begun forming alliances with educators because a better educated workforce could draw more business and higher-paying jobs to Stockton, which will soon be home to an Amazon distribution center expected to employ 1,000 people. Amazon, Tesla and other big employers already have operations in nearby Tracy, Manteca and Lathrop, and Stockton is the next city down the line.

It would be hard not to root for a city down on its luck for so long, and in many ways, the Stockton challenge is the state challenge.

California is blessed to have the resources, jobs and wealth that it has, but the economy booms only for those who are highly educated or have specialized skills and can throw crazy money at houses in bidding wars that put homes further out of reach for everyone else. Too many Californians are doomed to budget-sucking housing costs and nightmarish commutes that impact the environment and quality of life. You have to wonder how long an affordable house in Stockton will still be an acceptable tradeoff for those who lose three or four hours each day to get to work and home.

With the governor’s race about to launch, the candidates need to explain how they can help mayors like Tubbs design communities that put jobs closer to homes and work better for people of all income levels. That means more transit, more telecommuting, better education, higher wages and finally, more housing, so the added supply brings down prices that are suffocating far too many people.

If California has a bigger challenge these days, it has not crossed my desk.

Copyright © 2017, Los Angeles Times

Real Estate

Foreclosures

Housing Market

Colleges and Universities

Education

University of the Pacific

[shanewill]

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Reading this book made me want a pug even more than I did before.  Long live Judge Pug, he is the law!.  Okay I’m jumping the lawgiver (gun) here.  Let’s roll back and start at the beginning.  Took a few minute comic break about 3am last night and had the pleasure of reading this special from IDW, Judge Dredd: Funko Universe.  And, what a pleasure it was.  It’s exactly what it sounds like, Judge Dredd with a cute and fun “Pop” twist.  This book did a great thing by keeping the feeling of the character, but still making it cute and fun for all ages.  Part of the “Funko Universe Takeover” that happened at IDW last May (2017), Judge Dredd was one of the comics that got the special one-shot treatment (others being Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and The X-Files).  Enough preamble, let’s see what’s going on in Funko’s version of Mega City One!

Judge Dredd #1:  Funko Universe Published by IDW Writer:  John Layman Artists:  Francesco Gaston, Troy Little Release Date:  May 2017

For more information or to order online Click Here

If you live near me in the Chico Ca area get your copy at Collector’s Ink

In the Redding Ca area?  Go talk to the team at Caption Comics

How about Manteca CA?  Fantastic Collectibles can help you out.

And in the Sacramento CA area, say hello to Gene at Comics & Collectibles

So many great fun moments in this, and lines to quote, such as “Judges don’t run from hugs”.  Like most Dredd stories presented in 2000 A.D., this comic is a collection of short stories “anthology” style, so I’ll discuss each one.

“Crim Story” introduces the Funko version of Mega City One, and our titular hero Judge Dredd.  There’s a mutant “pop” version Minotaur running amok and after a good bit of cartoon violence (this is a family friendly book, no, seriously), Dredd pulls up on the scene on his Lawmaster.  THis is when the short takes off.  The interaction between the Minotaur “Buffalo Burt Blaylock” and Dredd is classic.  This isn’t a story that’s going to advance any character, it’s a story there to have fun with the preconceived notions of our favorite Judge.  Classic lines are thrown about, the writer and artist are having a good time, and we are along for the ride.  The twist on the classic is that the Narrator is in on the gag, a character in the story themselves.  Is Dredd able to stop Blaylock, while a narrator is giving him ideas on escape and how to defeat Dredd?  Yes, they can hear the narrator, like I said, he’s part of the story.  Classic Dredd meets Loony Tunes here, and it’s hilarious.

The second story is “All Pupped Up”.  The humor of this book continues greatly here.  Dredd is on patrol near the park when he hears a call for help.  A little old lady (mutant “pop” old lady with three eyes) has lost her dog, and only Dredd can get it back.  Their fear?  That “sweet little Norton” has gone into a special exhibit still going up, “The Deadly Plants Of The Cursed Earth”.  And sure enough, when Dredd gets close enough, he sees a cute little pug up in a tree.  Because of course in this world, dogs love to climb trees, seriously, it came up in a conversation in the story.  Now Dredd must fight his way through the exhibit of man (or Pop) eating plants.  But is this pug Norton?  You’ll only find out through reading.  My favorite part of this book is in this story though, as Dredd is walking with the pug, and it imagines a life as his sidekick, “Pug Dredd”.

The one you’ve all been waiting for, the question i can hear you all asking out there, it’s answered in the third and final story in the book “Matters Of Life & Death”.  Do they do Judge Death?  Oh my friends, yes, yes they do, and it’s amazing.  Dredd and Anderson just happen to be going for a stroll when a crowd of people run screaming by.  Dredd, grabbing a random citizen finds out why everyone is running, Zombies!!!   A scene is described for them where a portal opened and the Dark Judges emerged (and they are so cute as “Pops”), firing rays that turn people into zombies.  Dredd and Anderson must get involved, but what about the innocent people, can they turn them back from zombies?  A frontal assault won’t work, they will have to sneak in to get some of the gear Judge Death and his group of Dark Judges (Judge Mortis, Judge Fear, & Judge Fire) brought with them.  Time to go undercover.  This story made me laugh out loud.  I learned some things about Judges from Dredd in this one.  Not only are they “The Law”, but the law does not run from Zombies, and it does not run from hugs.

I highly recommend this comic book.  It’s fun for everyone.  As a Dredd fan you’ll appreciate the humor in the throwbacks to the stories from not only 2000 A.D., but IDW’s own ongoing series.  If you’re a cartoon fan (like Loony Tunes), you’ll get a kick out of the style and comedy reminiscent of Bugs Bunny.  Also, it’s an all ages book.  That means it’s a comic book you can get for your kids and enjoy with them.

Now I’m going to the pet store to get my own Pug Dredd.  Till next time everyone, keep reading comics!

Shane Will

Judge Dredd #1: Funko Universe, Review by Shane Will Reading this book made me want a pug even more than I did before.  Long live Judge Pug, he is the law!. 

[alittlebitofrex]

Thursday, 9/28/17

I didn’t sleep at all yesterday, working at kfc then going to Manteca for a doctor’s appointment right after made me really tired. On the way to work, I knocked out in the car. When we got to the parking lot I just couldn’t get up. I told Des and Carol that I wasn’t going in. I texted Raf telling him to take me home. He didn’t respond. So I told carol that if she sees him to tell him for me. I waited for about 50 minutes for it to be 10:30pm  to see if he texts back. Carol said to find him cuz his phone died. So I did. I found him in his car and asked “can you” and he said “yeah get in”

 As we were leaving the parking lot he starts going off

“ I can’t be taking you home all the time, you can’t be doing this shit, why do you keep missing work”

 I grabbed his arm and said 

“stop I’m tired”

 He said in an angry tone “stop” and pulls  his arm back 

 “Stop what? Touching you?”

 “Yeah stop it, only on the weekends” 

“Since when?” 

“Since forever”

 “You never said I can only touch you on the weekends, you never not let me touch you”

 “Just stop. Why would you miss work? Your friends even tell you not to”

 “Why do you care? It doesn’t matter if I miss work or not”

 “You’re missing out on money that’s just dumb”

 “Either way I make up for it at my other job, plus it’s my last few weeks, I don’t even like being there” 

“Just stop, forget it”

 We hit traffic on the free way and I noticed he got irritated again so I grabbed his arm. And slowly started rubbing his head and again he said 

 “Stop it not here”

 “What are you talking about, you never had a problem when I was touching you while you were driving before” 

 “Just stop it” 

His rudeness that night just made me cry, so I looked away and cried. Just why was he being like that? He’s never like this. I caught him looking at me laughing. I yelled at him to stop. 

 We got to Stockton and he asked if I wanted something to eat. I starred at him and asked 

“why are you being so mean. Why can’t I touch you”

 “Cuz I’m not going to fuck you”

 “Who said I’m trying to fuck” 

 He goes on his phone and says that his baby momma texted him So I grabbed his neck and told him to stop. He starts laughing, he tells me he’s kidding. Then he goes back to his rude tone and says

 “Why are you tripping, you act like we’re together”

 “I know that but I’m not gonna fuck someone who’s still with his baby momma” 

“But you still would if it was a single girl?”

 It got quiet. I just didn’t want to talk anymore, this night is just getting worse, I thought. I gave him directions towards Des’s house to take me to my car. And on the way there he was just being rude so I started crying again. 

“You don’t know this. But I’m really sensitive”

 He hears me sniffling, and turns to look at me and sees me crying. I told him,

“I don’t mean to cry but you being mean to me is making me”

 He immediately pulls over, turns off his lights, turns off his car, unbuckles his seat belt and hugs me and the sweet Raf I know says

 “I’m sorry baby, don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you cry”

 I stay quiet just crying.. and I backed away because my nose was running like crazy. He gave me one of his new tank tops he bought and gave it to me to wipe my face off. It gets quiet.. but you can hear me calming down. And that’s when he says

 “this has to stop, you’re getting attached” 

And I start crying even more. I know I was getting attached but this isn’t why I’m crying but so many emotions were going through me. I was wrong all along. I thought all this time we’ve spent together, he would of have a change of thought. All the affection I got from him caused me to think there was something more. It hurt to finally hear it. I cried for a few minutes more and I took a deep breath and looked at him. 

“What is is it?” he asked in a concerned voice

 I cried even more and shook my head no. I didn’t have the courage to say it.

 “What is it, say it…

REAKSA talk to me”

 This is the first time since we started this that he has called me by name. After a few more minutes I said

 “ so this is what you do? Fuck girls? I’m only good enough to fuck?”‭ 

“Yeah” 

“So do you want to end this?”

“It’s up to you, but I think you should before you get even more hurt”

“I’m not crying because of that, I’m crying because you’ve been rude to me. Do you see how you speak to me compared to how I speak to you?”

“I’m sorry, I’m just tired and irritated, you don’t deserve this”

“What do you want to do?”

“You’re a grown woman you can make your own choices”

“Do you think I’m in love with you or something”

“I mean you’re always trying to talk to me and hang out so it seemed liked it, I wasn’t sure until now”

“If you felt that way, then why didn’t you say anything”

“what do you mean? you know what this was, even your friends told you”

“no, not that, I mean if you felt that way why didn’t you say anything? why did you let me look stupid and keep hitting you up”

There was a bit of silence, and I then asked 

“are you fucking anyone else”

“no just you.. why were tripping if I had a baby momma or not”

“cuz what if you really do? look at all the people we work with that has somebody at home but is fucking some one else, I’m not gonna do that. If you decide to start to fuck another girl, you have to tell me alright?”

“alright, I will”

“I’ll stop fucking you then”

“okay”

“what would you do if I was pregnant”

“I would ask you not to keep it, why would you want to bring a baby in a fucked up situation? I’m bad for you” 

So everything was a lie. Him saying “we got this” 

He even accused me of lying about not being pregnant. I know I wished for a baby. But now I’m scared. Because I had unprotected sex the last night of my period and again this night. So there is a possibility. I don’t want a baby from a man who doesn’t want me to keep it. I don’t want my baby to be born into a world where he or she was unwanted by his or her father. I want my baby conceived through love not lust. So I’m just hoping that I am not. But if I am, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t have the heart to abort my baby but I know I can’t do it by myself. I don’t even know how I would explain it to my parents how this happened. It would all just go wrong.

I don’t regret any time I’ve spent with Raf. Raf was the only person who made me comfortable in my own skin. He is the only person who made me feel beautiful. I am a woman who doesn’t even look at the scale because I’m scared of seeing the numbers. But with him, I didn’t feel heavy at all. He made me forget that I am. He made me learn how to love my body for what is. I never felt so wanted by someone, even if it was sex. He was my first everything. I longed for what everyone got. And because of him, I love being touched and kissed, everywhere. 

I know what I got myself into. I knew from the day I asked him, what we were, what we are. And I am perfectly fine with it. There was no way I couldn’t bring my emotions into this. How can I have sex with someone and not put my emotions into it? Even if I’m not receiving it from him. It’s okay. I just want every one to know it’s okay. The only thing that hurt me was when he said we should stop. Only because I thought he felt the same way. But because what I know now, what this really is, it will make things easier for me. Because I know the truth. He had every opportunity to hit it and quit it, but he didn’t. He even saw so many sides of me, and it still didn’t scare him away.

 I’ll never forget every intimate moment we shared.

I’ll never forget how he ever made me feel.

 From gazing into my eyes, 

to feeding me fries,

 to holding my hands,

 to kissing my stomach,

 to tracing my face,

 I loved it all.

And I could’ve loved him.

 He had my body,

 but he could of had me,

my soul, 

and every little bit of me that made me whole.

I know eventually the sex will get old.

 I know eventually this won’t be enough. 

But I’m not asking for anymore.

 I just want to continue to feel the way I do since I’ve been with him.

 Because for the very first time, 

 I learned how to love myself.

[topinforma]

New Post has been published on Mortgage News

New Post has been published on http://bit.ly/2pkUehK

Long-term care insurance facing major pricing shift

(iStock)

One of the biggest fears people have about retirement is getting sick and running out of money to cover their health issues.

So in comes long-term care insurance, which can cover the cost of nursing homes, assisted-living facilities and in-home care. Medicare — except in very limited situations — does not cover long-term care. Medicaid covers long-term care, but to qualify for the benefit, you have to be pretty poor.

If you need help with life’s basic activities — eating, dressing and bathing — it can be expensive and the cost of that care can decimate your savings.

The problem is that there have been some steep premium increases for long-term care insurance, and it has many people wondering if the insurance is worth it. Insurance companies have had trouble pricing the insurance. Initial premiums charged haven’t been enough to cover claims.

But how the insurance is priced may be changing significantly. Rather than keeping premiums steady for several years and then having to impose huge double-digit rate hikes, Genworth, one of the largest providers of long-term care insurance, wants to be have the ability to change premiums annually, reports Forbes contributor Howard Gleckman.

“In this design, unfortunately called the Annual Rate Sufficiency Model, buyers of new policies would likely see modest, single-digit rate hikes each year or two,” Gleckman writes. “If Genworth thinks it is likely to pay fewer claims than expected or if investment income is higher than projected, consumers might even see small rate reductions in some years.”

He goes on: “For years, some brokers told buyers that their premiums would never increase. But in reality, while carriers could not raise rates on individual policies, they could boost prices for an entire class of buyers. They often delayed those rate hikes — or were blocked by state insurance commissioners — for five years or more, until policyholders got hammered with increases of 40 percent and up.”

If you’re in the market for long term care insurance you need to read Gleckman’s article: We may be about to see a big change in how long-term care insurance is priced

The pricing of long-term care insurance rankled federal workers last year when their premiums skyrocketed. Here’s what I wrote at the time:

— Your strategy to contain the costs of long-term care

— Tough questions about long-term care insurance

The market for long-term care insurance is going through some tough changes. For many people, getting this insurance is a good financial move. But before you buy, take some time to become informed. Here’s some reading for you: — Should I Buy Long-Term Care Insurance?: Next Avenue’s Money Editor struggles to answer the question

— An Insurance Agent’s Case for Buying Long-Term Care Insurance: A rebuttal to the recent article by Next Avenue’s Money Editor

— Tens of thousands lose long-term-care coverage

— In This Next Phase Of Health Reform, We Cannot Overlook Long Term Care

Your long-term care experience I want to hear from you. What’s been your experience with buying or using long-term care insurance?

Send your comments to colorofmoney@washpost.com. Please include your name, city and state. In the subject line put “Long-term care.”

Send your questions: Join Michelle Singletary on Thursday at noon for a weekly financial chat

Retirement Rants & Raves This feature belongs to you. You get to rave or rant about anything related to retirement. Send your comments to colorofmoney@washpost.com. Please include your name, city and state. In the subject line put “Retirement Rants & Raves.”

Here’s a praise report for this week. Ernest James Schubert of Manteca, Calif., is getting something out of retirement that we all need.

“Retirement for me has been a blessing,” Schubert wrote. “First I had to learn how to sleep. I worked rotating shifts for 38 years. I thought I was Bill Haley (“Rock Around the Clock”). A good co-worker, who retired about 15 years before me told me, “Everyday is Sunday and Monday’s a holiday.” I kept that thought. Amazing how many holidays are actually on a Monday. The Lord blessed me to live long enough to retire and get Social Security for 13 years.”

Live chat this week Join me on Thursday, April 20 at noon (ET) for a live discussion about your money. My guest will be ESI of blogger ESI of ESIMoney.com. (ESI is all he goes by.) He’s in his 50s and enjoying early retirement.

I featured one of ESI’s blog post in last week’s newsletter: He retired at 52. The 10 things that surprised him about early retirement.

Let’s talk retirement. Click this link to participate in the chat.

Newsletter comments policy Please note it is my personal policy to identify readers who respond to questions I ask in my newsletters. I find it encourages thoughtful and civil conversation. I want my newsletters to be a safe place to express your opinion. On sensitive matters or upon request, I’m happy to include a first name and last initial. But I prefer not to post anonymous comments (I do make exceptions when I’m asking questions that might reveal sensitive information or cause conflict.)

Have a question about your finances? Michelle Singletary has a weekly live chat every Thursday at noon where she discusses financial dilemmas with readers. You can also write to Michelle directly by sending an email to michelle.singletary@washpost.com. Personal responses may not be possible, and comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer’s name, unless otherwise requested. To read more Color of Money columns, go here.