#you bugged my house with cameras and microphones hope your exams go well!

[incorrectsibunaquotes]

These kids are too damn nice to their teachers, but to be fair, I also struggle with confrontation….. soooo I’d probably be smiling in their faces and calling them ‘sir’ and ‘miss’ while we all pretended we weren’t actively at war outside of school hours, too

[sfkedamono]

Kumbaya

By John H. Reiher Jr.

Jason Smith looked out over the sea of cameras and faces. He had requested this meeting with “…every government, science nob, and other important people…” And that this had to be televised around the world to as many people as possible. Now it’s his turn to step forward and tell the masses what the aliens told him. “Bloody hell,” he muttered as he took a drag on his cigarette.

“It’s not too late to cancel this,” said his handler from Her Majesty’s Government. “We can make an excuse and keep this revelation secret.” His handler was smarmy older gent, with the look of Oxford prominently boot stamped on his face.

“Shit,” said Jason, “I wish I could. But I can’t. You really don’t understand what I’m going to say, and… hell, everyone has to hear it.” Privately he wished he had run just like the rest of them when the saucer landed in the Kingsbury football pitch. No, he just stood there and decided to be famous. Bloody effing hell…

“Well I hope you are right and these aliens will handle the translation to other languages,” said his handler. Cecil something? Or was it Sid?

Jason shrugged. “That’s what they told me they could do. Hey, they came all the way here to deliver a message to mankind, I’d expect that they bloody well can make sure everyone understands it.” He finished his cigarette, threw it on the floor and crushed it into the boards that made up the impromptu stage that had been set up in Wembley Stadium. It was the largest venue that could be found to hold as many dignitaries, presidents, premiers, and rulers from every nation on Earth. There were a couple of holdouts, but the visitors had assured Jason that their people would hear his words nonetheless.

The visitors. He looked up and thought he saw a glint from their massive ship in orbit. He had been aboard a smaller version of that ship… and what they showed him… He patted a pocket and the device was still there, despite being searched several times. It truly was invisible to anyone else but him. He had a show to put on.

A man wearing earphones gestured that they were ready, and Sid escorted Jason to the right of the stage. The Prime Minister was warming up the crowd, unsuccessfully, and when he saw Jason, he said, “And now let me introduce to you, the first man to ever encounter an alien race from the stars, Jason Smith!”

Jason resisted the urge to behave like a game show contestant, and walked calmly out on to the stage and shook the hand of the Prime Minister. ‘Bugger, I didn’t even vote for your party, and now I’m shaking your hand,’ Jason thought as he smiled.

Taking the microphone, he felt the buzz from the device and heard the resulting voice say: “We are now live and translating this transmission. Go ahead Mister Smith and relay our request as you see fit.” The voice wasn’t audible, but he still heard it. It sounded like was inside his head. Maybe it was.

Jason smiled and looked out at the sea of faces and camera lenses. “Hi, I guess you’re all wondering why I asked you all to be here,” he joked, his laugh dying in his throat as a sea a faces frowned at him. “Uh, right. Let’s get to brass tacks. Our guests,” he looked up at the night sky, at the twinkling dot that was the kilometer-sized spaceship, “have asked me to explain to you what they want. They chose me, primarily because I didn’t run when they landed, and also because I was smart enough to realize why it wouldn’t work…”

He stood on the pitch, debating whether or not to run like everyone else, but thought ‘Iffen they can fly here from the stars, land their ship without rockets or something, what use is it to run. Might as well put out the hand of friendship.’

The saucer looked like… well a saucer. It had a flat bottom with a bulge in the middle, and the top sloped up from the sides to a larger dome on top. The ship settled on the pitch, and Jason realized that the bulge was making a rather large divot in the pitch. “That will be a bitch to fill in,” he said keeping his eyes on the ship as it settled into place. After a moment, a hatch appeared in the side of the ship and a… bloke, stepped through.

“Hello there!” the man said with a distinctive American accent. Jason thought, ‘Right, this will be a walk in the park, the Americans are joshing us and there are no alien…’

Next to the man a creature that looked like a giant insect house fly. “Greetings fellow sapient! We wish to communicate.”

Looking around to see if anyone else was with him, Jason gave a sly smile, and walked over with his hand out. “Welcome to Earth. I’m Jason Smith and you’re an… whatsit? An Earther?” he said shaking the hands with the human looking alien. Jason then held out his hand to the alien. It took it and it felt like he was shaking a hand made from sticks.

“Thank you Dirter!” it said as it shook Jason’s, “We have spent a long time seeking the world of Dirt.”

”Don't try correcting him,” said the human “it's something with their language. They actually only have one word for the word dirt. So yeah whenever they hear the word ‘earth’ they hear the word ‘dirt.’”

The human held out his hand “My name is Miles Wilson," he looked a little embarrassed, "but my nickname is ‘The Man’. I'm a law officer from Washington State, so it figures that the first guy that I meet on the ship is a hippie who promptly nicknames me The Man, oh well.“ He shrugged. “So, want to come in and see the ship?”

Jason thought for a second, then said “Sure, why the hell not. Lead on McDuff.”

The three walked back up the ramp into the ship and the door and ramp slid close.

“So you were abducted?” asked Jason as they walked the twisting corridors of the ship.

“Yes several years ago,” said Miles. “And well we been traveling around for years and well this is the first time back to Earth, but back to Earth with a mission.” He led Jason down a twisting corridor. “Before we do anything else,” he said, ushering Jason into a medical looking room, “How about a checkup?”

Jason looked startled, “You gonna probe me?” he said, his hands flying to his backside.

“No,” said Miles calmly. “When I said checkup, I mean a checkup, a medical checkup. This is an autodoc and it can fix just about anything wrong with you. This is Amanda, our resident doctor…”

“I was an intern when I was… taken,” said the pretty, young woman who stepped from behind a machine with a large glass tube. A man-sized tube Jason noted. “The autodoc has been calibrated for human galactic genotype, so just step in and it will do most of the work.”

Jason hesitated, and then said aloud, “And if you meant me ill will, I’d be dead or with me hindquarters up in the air.” He smiled, “So, do I need to strip?”

“Yes,” replied the pretty young thing. “Youri will help you. Please, disrobe and get on the bed.”

Jason turned and faced an unshaven face of a decidedly Slavic origin and sighed and obliged. Yuri took his clothes and placed them into a slot that hummed. As he got on the bed and the tube lowered, he noticed his clothing reappearing cleaned, pressed, and folded.

Lights glowed, things moved back and forth, and in a few seconds, the young woman frowned, and then asked, “Do you smoke?”

“Um, well yes,” he guiltily replied. “I’m trying to quit.”

She fiddled with a dial, and a full color image appeared before him, showing pink foamy-looking flesh. A bit of it was red and angry looking. “That is an incipient cancer. Right now, it’s not doing anything, but if left untreated… So, do you want me to fix that?”

“Yes please.”

A button push, and the angry tissue took on a healthy color and less tumor-like appearance. The rest of the exam was like that, she’d find something and asked if he wanted it fixed. And he did. The badly set fracture in his right arm, fixed. A nasty looking abscess in jaw, fixed. A fungal infection on his feet, cleansed and cured. Everything fixed, included incipient male pattern baldness, but one…

“No,” she said, “I don’t do ‘cosmetic’ surgery. Live with what nature gave you.”

“Just an inch more?” he asked.

“No.”

He sighed and said “So, do I have a clean bill of health?” The tube rose up and Yuri handed him his clothing.

“You do now,” she said. “By the way, I’m Sylvia, I’m the Ardanna Nuu’s doctor.”

“The Ardanna Nuu is this ship?” he asked, slipping on his Baby Metal t-shirt.

“Yes. And the real reason we ran you through our autodoc, was to make sure you weren’t carrying some new disease or bug. We don’t have the resistance we used to have.” She led him to what looked like a conference room.

Seated around the table were… people. Some were humans and… not human. And some of the “humans” didn’t look right. He looked at them as he was introduced to each of them. He then got it. they had human-like faces, but the details were off. Eyes just a bit too widely set apart, the head just little bit too domed, the teeth too small, and other tells. They were different, but similar.

Miles sat at the head of the table. “I bet you wondered why I called you here?” That got nary a chuckle, and Miles played with his tablet for moment before continuing. “Jason, we’re here to deliver a message to the people of Earth, and we can’t do it ourselves. It needs to be done by a person who has no connection to us. You’re that person.”

Youri spoke next, “You see, everything you know about humanity and its history is both wrong and correct with some caveats. The biggest of which is that there are other humans out there… but not human.”

The man with the too wide set eyes and slightly off skin color nodded and said, “Yes, that is true. I, Tal Sha, am from the world Shohana. My people, the People, evolved on that world, much like you humans evolved on your world. And you’re not listening are you?”

Jason had been staring at Tal’s mouth as he spoke. The words didn’t match his mouth and lip movements. “Sorry, but you look like a badly dubbed movie when you talk.”

Youri leaned next to him, and said, “Yes, and you’ll notice that I don’t speak English either.” Jason stared at his mouth as well, then his eyes went wide.

“Bloody hell!” he exclaimed, standing up, “What did you do to me?”

“He’s a smart one, isn’t he,” said Miles.

“You shut up!” said Jason pointing an accusing finger at Miles. “You messed with me head! You put something innit!”

Sylvia nodded her head, and said, “Yes we did. We inserted a translator nodule into your head. It’s now fully integrated and can’t be removed. It’s mostly a relay with any compatible system that can provide translation services. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to have this talk.”

“But that…” Jason pointed at the insect-like being, “bug, spoke English before I had the translator thing in me head.”

Somehow, the “bug” smiled and said “I took great pains to learn your language ‘man’ and I’m quite fluent in it. Can you dig it? Oh, and I am !gzzbzzzt^zzt! of the Greez!ebe! But you already know my human name, Bug!”

Jason stared again, then sat down with a thump, his mouth opening and closing without sound.

“I think we broke him,” said Youri.

“No, no,” Jason finally managed. “Seen too much Dr. Who on the telly to be that surprised. But seeing it up close an’ personal… that’s another thing. Got anything strong t’drink?”

An appropriate beverage was poured for him and he downed it in one shot. “Cor! That’s a burner!” he exclaimed, then licked his lips, “But good. It’s alien popskull innit?”

“Yes, if you mean from another world,” said Tal. “it’s a distilled beverage from my planet.”

Jason nodded and held his glass out for a bit more of the beverage and then sipped it. “So, there are humans that evolved on other worlds?” he asked. “That’s bollocks, but I can’t deny what I see wit my own eyes. There’s a reason for this isn’t there?”

Tal filled his glass as well and nodded with a waggle of his head, “Yes, and it’s a long story…”

Nine billion years ago, the Anshani arose on one of the few worlds capable of supporting life in the galaxy. They lived, loved, and expanded their knowledge of the universe until they were able to leave their home system and venture out into the galaxy. There, while looking for other races to be friends with, they instead found the ruins of other cultures that rose and then killed themselves off. They were, in fact not the first sentient species, but they were the first that managed not kill themselves.

This was because the Anshani were different from other species: They were true pacifists. They could not even think of harming others. Yes, they were omnivores and ate animal flesh, but the flesh was willingly given to them, as the creatures on their homeworld had evolved into a self-supporting ecosystem, every creature with something like a brain linked together in an empathic web, with each creature filling its roll to its utmost. And into the galaxy, went a true innocent, looking for others to be friends with.

Instead they found death and hate. This confused the Anshani, as they were incapable of the kinds of emotions that would lead to harming or even killing another sentient creature.

So for the next billion years, they sought out cultures that had just achieved spaceflight and gifted them with their advance technology. Which was promptly turned into weapons of mass destruction. Species after species wiped itself out, leaving their homeworlds glowing balls of radioactive lava.

This frustrated the Anshani. They gave no weapons, but each species found a way to make the technology into weapons. Luckily, the Anshani weren’t stupid, and never divulged where their homeworld was. Nor did they share their more advanced hyperdrive with other cultures. They wanted to make sure that they could run away if necessary.

They ran a lot.

In that billion years, their technology grew by leaps and bounds. Their understanding of how things were, was near godlike… but, they also knew that there was more to learn. Every discovery lead to new questions. They tried to understand why the other civilizations that they encountered were the way they were. But because the Anshani were natural empaths with each other and all the creatures of their homeworld, they couldn’t understand the fear of the of the other. They couldn’t understand hatred of those that were different. The Anshani imposed their world view on everyone else, but never realized why others didn’t behave “the right way.” It was their blind spot, their own blinkers that prevented them from understanding.

After a billion years of failure, the Anshani decided to ignore those violent species, and instead find and nurture proto-sapients. They would find likely candidates and slowly lead them down the path to full sapience. By this time, the Anshani were functionally immortal, and had all the time in the world to uplift a species. The process took millions of years, but in the end, the resulting species were less violent than the unguided ones, and rose up and left their cradles and joined the Anshani…

And then fought amongst themselves over who was the favorite.

They tried and tried over and over, but each time ended up with a race that was more like a spoiled child, than a sophisticated, intelligent species. This frustrated the Anshani to no end.

So, they started The Long Project. They located likely candidate stars that had sprung into being at approximately the same time. From a selection of several thousand “starter kits”: Genetic seed packages that would overwrite the genetic code any existing native life, they planted their crop and watched over it and tended to its seedlings.

At the same time, they had to deal with the uplifted and the native-born spacefaring species that inhabited the galaxies with them. Yes galaxies. Their domain stretched from the Milky Way Galaxy, all the way to the Andromeda Galaxy. The Anshani had become the keepers of the peace, the watchers over the weak, the punishers of those that transgressed. And they used the same methods of control for all three: The Kumbaya Device.

The Anshani was familiar with over a million species. A million different, yet similar ways to generate thought, consciousness, sapience. From collective hive minds to neural nets forged in silicon, they knew it all. And what they knew, they could control.

The Kumbaya Device allowed them to make sophonts happy and peaceful. To make them sing songs of friendship, in Anshani of course, and dance the dance of friendship.

As long as the device was used on them.

Turn it off, and for short period of time, the people they used it on would be happy and friendly. But it would always wear off. And the result were angry people, shouting people, threatening people. No sophont liked having it’s free will taken from them, so they all hated the device that made them happy.

Meanwhile, around 200 thousand years ago, the seeds that they had planted, started to bloom. New sophonts appeared, ones that stared at the sky and wondered. Who, at first were friendly with one another. But soon, the first hand was raised in anger, the first life was snuffed out over greed.

It was just too much for the Anshani. Frustrated and hating to be frustrated, they threw their collective hands up in disgust, and left…

“Some say that they finally ascended into a higher plane of existence,” said Tal, “others say they broke the barriers between universes and moved to one better suited for them, and others said they created a new universe just for themselves. In any case, they created a power vacuum and you can imagine the rest.”

Jason sipped his popskull and nodded, “Bloody war it was, wasn’t it?”

The rest nodded, wobbled, clicked, and waggled antenna in agreement.

“But wait,” he said, putting his drink down, “I’ve seen on the telly that we evolved on Earth. You’re saying we was planted like seeds?”

Sylvia nodded, “Yes, and we’re compatible.”

“’Compatible?’” asked Jason.

Smiling, she called out, “Talia, you can come in now.”

A young girl, no more than ten walked in. She had Sylvia’s hair… and Tal’s eyes.

Staring at her for a moment, then looking down when he realized what he had been doing, Jason said, “Oh my god. It’s true.” Looking up, he then said “So that’s what you want me to tell everyone?”

Sylvia sat her daughter in her lap and hugged her. “Yes and no. What we want you to tell them is…”

He could hear the murmurs and angry whisperings from the crowd when he finished giving them the true history of life on Earth. The crew had taught him enough so that he wouldn’t sound like a loon when he broke the news. But that’s wasn’t the bombshell.

“Now, understand something,” he said, as the crowd grew silent, “they seeded us for one purpose and one purpose only: To find a race that could be both violent and peaceful at the same time. A bridge between hooligans and the angels. We humans, we Galactics are the most peaceful and sometimes, the most violent species around. Now, we’re not saying we are the only race capable of being peaceful. No. Species like the…” he paused as he remembered how to pronounce the name, “Greez!ebe! are pacifists. But they are small ‘p’ pacifists. If push comes to shove, they fight. Us Galactics have had people who refuse to hurt others, even other living creatures. Gandhi, Buddhists, others, would rather die than to hurt others. Big ‘P’ pacifists. Of course, they’ve good way to far in the other direction.”

“No, we, and this time I mean us, us humans, have a chance to do something, not only for ourselves, but for the whole galaxy. We can learn how to get along with each other.”

That got a laugh from the assembled dignitaries, to which Jason smiled and said, “Yeah, I laughed too at the thought. But, we’ve had lots of people who just want to get along and live together peacefully. Well now we have to figure out how to do it. And in the process, teach others how to do as well. And when I mean us, I mean all of us.”

He looked back up into the sky at the bright dot. The bigger ship, the Dormas Nuu. The Peaceship. The closest thing that the Anshani made to a warship.

Looking back at the crowd, he said, “The larger dot up there? That’s the Dormas Nuu, an Anshani Peaceship. Remember when I talked about the Kumbaya Device? The Dormas Nuu has one big enough to cover the whole of the Earth. And it will make every sentient being on this world sing and dance and be friends with one another. All of them.”

As what he said sank in, he saw the look of shock and fear cross many faces. “I’m sorry,” he said, “But we have to know. Ok guys, it’s dance time.”

The bright spot that was the Dormas Nuu glowed pink. And then, everywhere, people stood up and began singing a song of peace and love. They danced the dance of friendship. Some of the people were in zoos, behind protective walls, and were called Chimpanzees and Elephants. Some were in large aquariums, and were called Dolphins and Orcas. The Great Whales sang the song and danced in their own way, while Crows, Parrots, and Ravens sang along. In the deep, dark ocean, the Giant Squid’s skin flashed in colors in time with the unheard music. All the People of Earth sang and danced.

Then the light from the Dormas Nuu went out, and everyone felt love and friendship for each other, for while. Jason, who had been exposed to the device earlier, fought the rising tide of bile that he felt as the effect wore off. “Ok, some of you are going to be right mad at the folks in space. Dammit!” he swore.

“Right mad,” he said as he kept his temper, “But understand, look at the monitors...” And the large display behind him showed the supposed animals singing along with their keepers, with each other. “It’s not just us humans. It us Earthers… Dirters, whatever. We all need to learn how to live together. Because if we can do it, we can do it for everyone. We can all learn to get along.”

After the stadium quieted down, he continued, “But, much like Moses, I can’t be here to help. I’ve seen too much and I now know too much. I would contaminate the attempt. So, I have to leave. I’m going to bring some of my friends and family with me, and the invite will go out to certain folks to see if they want to go out there and see what’s what. I’m not saying we’ll never be back, no, but it will be for tea and biscuits, and a chat about the upcoming FIFA games.”

“They won’t stop you from going into space. However, they assure me that it will take a couple of centuries for Earth to make it to the stars. Hopefully by then, it will be as teachers and friends.”

He looked at the camera, “So, the task is before you. There’s not test, no passing grade. You either succeed or fail. I hope you succeed. I wish you all good luck, and Godspeed. I hope you do it. I hope that someday, we’ll all be friends, not enemies. All of us.”