#you are able to get past those walls because she knows with a guaranteed certainty you will never hurt her like everyone else has

[trappedinafantasy37]

"I want this one, she said."

[mooniefics]

— the hands that beckon me

pairing : zeke jaeger / reader

word count : 1.9k

tags : emotional hurt / comfort, relationship discussion, pillow talk, insecure zeke :(

summary : zeke is finally home, on a brief layover from the war, and you both finally get around to having that tough discussion you've been putting off for far too long.

— originally posted 1 / 21 / 21 on ao3 —

"what do you do while i'm gone?"

your skin was still hot from being pressed over his when he asked, thrumming with a warmth you hadn't felt yet craved so deeply for months. you turned to face him from your place on your back in bed, pressing into his side, peering curiously at his profile. you'd missed seeing him like this, out of his ironed, pristine uniform, hair messy from your fingers running through it, sharp features warmed with the flush of passion, unobscured by his glasses, eyes and voice sleepy and relaxed rather than alert and tight with self-awareness.

"what do you mean?" your reply was soft, almost playful to counter his matter-of-fact delivery, reaching out to draw your fingers across his firm, bare chest.

"i mean what keeps you busy? what do you do for fun?"

>readmore<

the war with the mid-east allied forces had been dragging on for just about two years now, and there seemed to be no end in sight, but after the marleyan army managed to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat on foreign soil, the news came to your internment zone that the soldiers would be returning on a brief layover as the countries' political leaders decided whether or not they'd be willing to smooth things over in a more peaceful manner.

this afternoon you had been there at the gates with his grandparents, barely able to stand still beside them as all three of you waited wordlessly with baited breath, balancing up on your tiptoes, straining to peek over the crowd to catch a glimpse of him. while others were stood by with looks of unmasked dread—men with clenched jaws and stiff shoulders, women with tears brimming their eyes, children tugging at sleeves and already crying with impatience—you felt an uncontainable joy. it was humbling to look around at all the panicked faces, to remember that not every family had the luxury of your confidence, the almost guaranteed certainty that the one you loved would return. but you couldn't help the blinding smile that broke out across your face as he ambled through the crowd, tired, well-kept, but looking warmly down at you and his family.

you had let him to greet them first, they were his blood relatives after all, but only after he'd finished giving his grandmother a tight hug and exchanging affectionate words did you allow yourself to throw your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder and breathing in his rich scent of gunpowder, pine, just a faint hint of cigarettes, melting easily into his strong embrace. you and zeke had wandered back alongside the older couple to their home, sharing a calm, easy dinner where zeke relayed what information he could to them about the status of the ongoing battle, but you were just itching to have some time to yourself with him.

you'd spent hours cleaning your quaint little home a few streets down, agonizing over every little detail despite how you knew he didn't mind whatever state it was in, just that you were there. and as soon as you'd both said your friendly goodbyes and made it through the door of your home, he was pulling you along to the bedroom, legs having memorized the path of weaving through the living room and kitchen and down the hall to the door on the left.

he was impatient, as he always was when he was tugging you out of your clothes, but sensual all in the same when he pressed his lips onto yours, murmured soft, longing words in your ear, hands squeezing and grabbing, reacquainting themselves with your soft figure. you both didn't last long—how could you when you were so eager—but felt satisfied all the time after everything was said and done, lowering back onto the mattress, flushed and panting, a faint sheen of sweat shimmering over your skin. his question just now had puzzled you. it was simple, but you knew it hid something deeper, he'd never asked something of that nature in all the time he'd been coming back and going away.

"well.. not much really. i go to work at the jewelry shop, have tea with your grandmother on thursdays, wander around the market if i feel up to it, help mary from down the street with her boys if she needs it."

you faltered at the mention of her, not remembering whether you'd seen her husband when you'd met with zeke at the entrance to the zone. you forced yourself not to frown. how selfish of you, you didn't even bother to check on her before you allowed yourself to be whisked away for the night.

he seemed to notice your sudden dismay, wrapping a comforting arm around you as he spoke, "you mean aksoy?" you nodded. "he made it back on the train alright. drunk off his ass, but alive."

you breathed a small sigh of relief, offering up a small smile at him. "good to hear."

and though his lips curled back in a similar expression, it didn't quite reach his eyes, and you only felt further perturbed by how his gaze briefly flickered elsewhere. "why do you ask?" you prompted, fingers trailing up his neck to rest at his jaw, gently turning him to face you again.

"just curious, is all.."

you could sense that he was lying, but about what you didn't quite know. "come on, zeke, we've known each other since we were kids. you don't think i know when you're hiding something?"

he hummed, the corners of his eyes creasing as an easy, genuine grin graced his features. "i apologize for underestimating your lie detecting skills."

you couldn't help but giggle softly at his words, thumb stroking over his warm cheek, body fitting perfectly against his. he was really here. finally, after all this waiting, he had come back to you, even if only for a few weeks that would surely fly past in an instant.

"i don't really know how to say this.." he seemed uncharacteristically sheepish, grey eyes traversing over your face, onto a far wall of the room, then up to the ceiling for a brief moment before it finally wandered back to you, "i guess you could say it started with me feeling a bit guilty, leaving you here all by yourself."

"i can bear the wait, you know that. as long as i know that i'll get to see you." for now, came the silent addendum.

he had three years left, barely a quarter remaining in his term, but you didn't broach the topic, and he seemed just as content putting off the discussion as you were. your relationship was easy, in a sense. there was never any squabbling over when the two of you would move in, or when he would retire from his position and settle down, milestones such as marriage and children were never issues. but there were days where you wished they were, though you'd never admit it.

just like how you'd never admit to the warm burn of envy that sparked to life when a man came into the shop you worked at searching for a ring for his partner, a spark that inevitably gave way to a cool emptiness settling deep into your chest, swallowing up your heart and balling an uncomfortable lump in your throat by the time you'd helped him choose out just the perfect jewel and sent him on his way.

"i know that, but," he swallowed, licking his lips, "sometimes i'm afraid that you're getting bored."

"bored?" the word felt strangely odd on your tongue, your own eyes blinking at him.

"bored." he reaffirmed, frowning slightly as he continued, "you see other people your age—our age—every day, don't you? when you go to the market, when you're at work, hell, even when you're spending time with your friends, you see people with lives, with structure." you knew the exact words that were coming next, but the impact of them hurt all the same. "people who don't have the thought of how time is running out hanging over their head."

it was you who turned away this time, feeling your lower lip tremble, eyes suddenly watering despite how you wished not to cry. all those complicated feelings you'd pushed down in favor of relishing in your feigned ignorance, of pretending that zeke was just a normal soldier with normal duties who was just lucky enough to come back each time. you'd always politely brushed your friends off when they'd pestered you of the absence of a ring on your finger, asking when you'd have children of your own rather than always being there to help them take care of theirs, you swept their concerns aside with a rehearsed smile because you didn't want to come to terms with the fact that you wanted those things for yourself.

the pill of zeke's looming mortality was hard enough to swallow on its own, all without mentioning how the love you shared was so rich yet so fleeting, fruitful yet futile all at once. you had no words to offer him, but your silence seemed to be enough of a reply, a forlorn, almost remorseful look settling over his handsome features.

"perhaps— perhaps you should search for someone else." you felt your stomach knot and twist, sorrow bubbling up like a geyser from below, biting at your cheek as to not let your shaky breaths spill from your mouth, "you're beautiful, it would really be no trouble at all for you to find someone—someone who can give you a good life. a fulfilling life."

"but.. there's still time left, isn't there?" your voice was quiet, thick with restrained tears, "there's still time for us."

"it isn't fair to you."

"it wouldn't be fair to you either if i left now." your brows knitting together, expression strained as you felt warmth trickle down your face, dripping down your chin onto his shoulder. "do you want me to leave?"

he looked away, hesitating just enough to make more droplets bead at your lashes before he shook his head, drawing a crooked finger across your cheek to catch a few stray tears. again, that disdain at your own selfishness came. he was worried for you, ruminating own his own impending death, trying to soften the blow of it for you at the expense of his own happiness, yet all you could do was cry at the thought of parting with him in any voluntary way.

"you're the one i want." you whispered, sniffling, "i knew what i was getting into at the start of all this, the things that i would miss, the things i would have to give up on, but they can wait. i can't be without you, not if i know that i can spend a single moment longer like this, loving you."

the sun had sank low in the sky, light abandoning the two of you in the dark of your room, alone with your shared, trembling breaths, his frown and distant eyes, your tears and imploring gaze. you felt weary in many ways as you allowed yourself to settle back onto his chest, closing your eyes at the feeling of his arm tightening its grasp around you, holding you close, a silent plea to stay just as you were.

he didn't speak, not another word of uncertainty exchanged, but you knew that he understood. he was here, and as long as that was the case you would always wait, keep turning down the hands that beckoned you, rescind your domestic desires for the sake of clinging to this one rare, importunate, lovely thing you had—clinging to him.

[rosarenn]

All things are ephemeral

I've been thinking a lot about the illusion of certainty and the way it holds us back from achieving great things.

There's this idea that if something is temporary, transient, that it isn't worth putting any effort into. That something is only worth your time if it endures, if it's permanent. That the investment must be followed by a payoff or why bother.

I am very much talking out of my own experience here, as a white settler/colonizer raised in a more or less middle class family. I know my experience is not universal, and I am still going to talk about "we" and "us" because I want to include myself in this group, and I'm noticing a pattern that I want to talk about. If you have never experienced certainty, or are in a stable position for the first time in your life, this is probably not about you, for example. Take what you need and compost the rest.

I'm reading Nine-Tenths of the Law: Property and Resistance in the United States by Hannah Dobbz, which discusses squatting in the US. One of the themes that comes up over an over again is the idea that because a squat is temporary, because the police could kick you out at any moment, because you don't have ownership or equity or any kind of title on your side and you could lose everything in a moment's notice, that it doesn't make any sense to improve the home you're living in. That the work would be wasted, and who wants to work their ass off and not reap the benefits? Why would you bother?

And this, to me, is so incredibly short-sighted, and represents an internalization of the logic of capitalism. Why would you bother? Because you are fucking living there. You're living there, you're passing your limited time on this planet in this space, and why would you live in a dump if you don't have to, if you don't like living in a dump, if you would feel better, be happier, enjoy your time there just a little bit more than if you didn't clean it up. It's the same reason I've painted countless rental apartments - even though I don't know how long I'll be there, while I'm there I eventually get sick at looking at plain white walls. It's why I'm planning to paint a mural in my rental apartment - it will bring me daily joy for as long as I am here. It's why I decorated my office when I still had an office. Because if this is where I am passing my time, I want it to be a little more pleasant.

We've so internalized the logic of the state and the market that we have this illusion that home-owning provides certainty, that it makes sense to invest in a home you own because it can't be taken away at a moment's notice. But it's a lie. The bank could repossess your home. The sewer could back up. A flood or a wildfire could make your home vanish in a moment. With climate change these events are only going to increase in frequency, as will the unrest and failed states and all the other forms of violent dispossession that that entails. The entire stock market could blow itself to pieces tomorrow, the currency we've all agreed to use could become worthless pieces of paper, anything can happen. I could die tomorrow. I could die today. There is no certainty, any where, ever. Anything I work for could be for nothing - nothing except for what I make of it here and now. I want to live before I die.

I think about the way I've been indoctrinated to delay gratification to the extreme. That's what the promise of capitalism to the middle class is, after all. Work tirelessly for all of your productive years, save your coins prudently, invest them in the stock market for the future and never take out your principle because compound interest is magic and you'd be a fool to forego that sweet, sweet "free" interest income. And then, and only then, you can retire for a few years and live a tiny sliver of your life free from the constant grind of daily waged labour. If someone is not able to make ends meet, I was taught, it's because they are too loose with their spending, they aren't able to delay gratification long enough for the real payout, the poor dears. Scrupulously saving, denying ourselves the momentary joys of right now in order to chase a possible future prosperity, is positioned as a moral good.

Of course this is a lie, and a terrible way to live (even as it is incredibly privileged). I lived this way for years and I'm only now beginning to come to terms with it. There's so much grief there. How much did I miss out on? Think of all the joy, vitality, and the things that make life worth living that I denied myself - and for what? To chase certainty in the future, because I couldn't accept the ephemerality of today.

There's a delicate balance needed here, of course. There's an argument to be made that what we need is more delayed gratification, not less. The constant churning consumption, the endless extraction from the earth and our bodies, putting today's profits ahead of tomorrow's, or even above the survival of our own children - these are features of capitalism and they are destroying us.

But they need to sell us this lie, that if we work hard today we can be happy tomorrow, to keep us working. Because if we truly looked at horrors of this reality, if we truly knew in our bones that everything we have today could be gone tomorrow, that everything in life is fleeting - would you still go to work, day after day after day? I know I sure wouldn't. Even though I don't know what I would do to survive instead. Even though stepping into that unknown is terrifying. Even though I have no answers, I would have to take that leap.

I think, too, about the way I sometimes see people talk about revolution - and I include myself in this group. That until we are ready to make a global revolution, until we are all but guaranteed success, until the moment we reach critical mass, all we can do is wait. Maybe we agitate, maybe we form unions and organizations and try to spread the word, but until success is certain we can't act, not truly. I see this more in communist circles than in anarchist ones, and it was especially present in the critiques of the temporary autonomous zones that popped up in the midst of last summer's uprisings - they would never succeed, they would be quickly dismantled, and thus were doomed to failure and shouldn't even be attempted. As if there was no value in the experiences, however fleeting. As if the way we live our lives is irrelevant. As if a thing bringing you joy is not enough justification in itself.

Even though I skew more towards anarchism, I can still feel this attitude infecting my own thinking. I don't want to try to unionize my workplace because it will fail and I'll get fired and it won't matter, really, anyways. I don't want to talk openly about my politics when I know people don't agree with me, because what's the point when I already know I can't change their minds. What's the point of guerrilla gardening when the city can just come by with a weed whacker and destroy our labour. So on and so on ad nauseum, every endeavour doomed to be temporary and thus, automatically, a failure.

I think of my friend who spent the past two summers building up an incredible garden, who now has to move, suddenly, before the end of the growing season. My first reaction was that it was such a waste, that she had put in so much effort and time and money and now wouldn't even be there to collect the final harvest, that it would be better if she hadn't done the planting, somehow. As if she hasn't taken immense pleasure and pride in her garden for the past two years. As if she hasn't harvested throughout the whole summer. As if the harvest she planted suddenly winks out of existence if the benefits go to someone other than her. As if this somehow invalidates everything that came before. But this line of thinking is horseshit. Someone will still eat those vegetables. If nothing else, the birds and the beasties will love eating what she has grown. She learned so much and will be able to carry that knowledge forward with her. On and on, there was great value in this venture even if she will not be there to reap every last piece of the harvest. And if it wasn't a sudden move, it could have been a drought, or a violent storm, or an infestation, or theft. Or or or. The possibilities are endless, results are never guaranteed, and if we are only working to achieve an ends, we might need to take a good long look at what we're up to.

I wonder if the roots of this ideology stretch all the way back to the agricultural revolution. Ephemerality would have been the day to day lived experience of hunter-gatherers. Here today, gone tomorrow, pick the berries now, while they're ripe and before the birds get them. But agriculture? Prepare the field, plant the seeds, water, tend, wait. wait. wait. then finally harvest. Finally finally your labour has paid off and you can eat. Careful though because there won't be another harvest until next year, so be careful, ration, wait. Would you plant the field if you didn't know if you'd be around to harvest it? That's a tough sell, for sure.

I think of flatwormposting, on instagram, who announced suddenly that they would delete their account today. That they felt like they had accomplished what they wanted to accomplish, that they were complete, and ready to move on. The immediate response, of course, was no, don't go, or if you must go, please don't delete the account. Leave it up, to sit in perpetuity, an archive of your work and legacy. Please, you did good work, please let us keep it. As if deleting their account deletes their work. As if they won't carry it forward with them. As if people who interacted with the account while it was up weren't changed in some small way. As if a thing that is temporary - which is all things - is somehow less important than a permanent thing.

And their response was simply, all things are ephemeral. All things are ephemeral, everything could be gone tomorrow. If they didn't delete this account, instagram could. A hacker could take it. Nothing is certain, everything is a constant renegotiation. Given that, what now?

What now? How do we want to live before we die? What choices might we make if nothing was certain? What risks would we take? How would we live our lives if we knew, deeply, truly, in an embodied way, that another world is possible, as the Nap Bishop constantly reminds us? That the continuation of this one as it is, that the status quo is not and has never been certain? That each day we wake up we make this world again, and we could simply chose to make it differently, to paraphrase David Graeber. If we no longer privileged that which is over that which could be. If we no longer held onto the illusion of certainty and control and permanence.

All things are ephemeral. What now?

[255940g]

Holiday gift to @differentjasper. Happy holidays and I hope you enjoy!

Read on Ao3 here : https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012411

Holiday Truce Gift- Wes Weston study

I will admit this was supposed to be a character study of Wes Weston but then I saw a prompt on Tumblr about the lack of logical scars. Of course, the canon show isn’t really logical but they should have at least put vague lines there to show scars. We know scars can be kept on ghosts due to Clockwork. Be warned times passes quickly as I wrestled with this idea. 

Looking at my bedroom wall I couldn’t help but think of how it has changed through the past school year. At the beginning of the year, there were pictures of a few famous basketball players.

Then came the emergence of the Phantom or the Ghost Boy as he was called in the beginning. The change of the wall came slowly and then all at once.

It started simple with one sketch of Phantom that I commissioned an artist on Tumblr that I followed and admired. Then a poster dedicated to a few sightings of Phantom around town. 

By November, the first basketball poster came off to make room for more images of Phantom. I convinced myself that after I minimalized when I had more time-probably over Winter break- it would go right back up. 

However, I knew even then, in my heart if secret hearts, that I was trying to fool myself. When I furled it back out in the middle of February for the annual garage sale my parents insisted on doing, I threw it semi-carefully into the box labelled ‘Garage sale’.

It mattered even less when I quit the basketball team.  It seemed shocking to my parents yet they understood my decisions eventually. A week after quitting I saw a black-haired male transform into Phantom. It took another week of school for me to learn his name. Well, what I mean is, is that I heard of him but I never connected the person to the name. 

The person that transformed into Phantom was Danny always picked on by Dash Fenton. Who wasn’t to be confused with his older sister who Dash had a crush on. The Friday two weeks after I figured out who Phantom was would be the most accurate spot place where my obsession began.

Looking at the wall now, there is only images of Phantom, the enemies he faces, and a few pictures of solely Sam, Tucker, and Danny. I couldn’t help but feel a surge of pride and accomplishment of the detailed work that I have done. 

Each enemy has at least one detailed notecard with details on visible powers, personal info, and where and when they have attacked. A few even had who they were before they were ghosts. Take the lunch lady ghost as an example. It was easy to figure out who she was. A dedicated lunch lady that made the lunches the exact same way as they are now 50 years after her death. Of course, I had backups of all this data written down multiple times in different books and google drive just for same keeping.

Sam, Tucker, and Danny’s notecards were different. They had what they helped Phantom and Fenton with. When those two were eventually transformed into ghosts another notecard was added for their ghost half.

For Sam, it was when she managed to transform into a plant ghost. Not overly surprising that her ghost self had powers over plants when Sam adores her greenhouse and the plants inside there.

Tuckers ghost self was unusual. He didn’t get ghost powers for all that he has a ‘girlfriend’ in his beloved PDA. He was some sort of Egyptian Emperor. Either way, neither of them had ghost powers anymore and that is what had mattered to everyone at school, their teachers, and parents. 

Knowing that Fenton was Phantom doesn’t seem to have any perks for me. Danny took every opportunity to show off how blind everyone in town was. For the annual Casper High Halloween party festival thing that went on Danny dressed up as Phantom. The only difference was that Danny kept his human half blue eyes. That shit. No one even suspected a single thing. Not even Paulina who was self-proclaimed in love with Phantom! Asshole Fenton. 

Almost a full year later since Phantom first starred on the news.

Ok so in actuality it was the first full week of summer vacation when everything shifted. I was no longer joked and teased. In as much secret as possible other students came to me to hear my ideas and possibilities of Phantom and about Phantom. Finally, people were listening! Yet, at what cost to Danny?

*Flashback*

I was both on my phone and watching the news displaying Phantom creating a small snow cloud over a portion of Amnity’s main and only park’s grass. Well, the small children seemed to adore having snow to help with the unusual heat of the afternoon. The news report changed to a ghost attacking another part of Amnity. Phantom quickly found out about the attack and first rushed over to the parents of the children then rushed to help the fleeing people there. I haven’t heard a name yet but I grabbed my supplies of notecards, pens, and switched to recording the audio of the news report to my phone. 

I knew that depending on what ghost powers this new ghost had it would take a few minutes or even days to defeat them. 

About 5 minutes later I watched as Danny was repeatedly beaten soundly and squarely. While the camera focused on the attacking ghost I took a few quick pictures to print out and size later. 

I was already taking notes on what powers the new ghost displayed. 

About an hour later I was highly concerned. Danny still was being beaten and unable to get many good hits to the new ghost. While I was watching my eye caught a small detail. Dany’s jumpsuit was coming off and apart slowly but surely. The next attack flung Phantom sailing backwards with his back to the camera above taping the report. 

It was only able to be seen due to the fact that functionally all of the tops of the jumpsuit was destroyed. There on his back were scars that looked all connected like lightening. From what I could see was that it was one scar that disappeared over his front. The scar was a bright red, there were thicker and thinner lines and all of the liner were jagged. 

The usual yapping by the reporter was cut off and there was silence. The eerie silence gave the report a feel for even more shock then what I thought possible. Once Danny crashed through a building-luckily turning intangible before impact so there wasn’t any more structural damage. The last things I heard and saw before the camera shut off was the attacking ghost clearly looking for Phantom and the reporter asking “What were those scars?”

The next time that the same report came back on it was showing how Phantom was now defeating the formerly attacking ghost. 

‘Damnit! I still don’t have a name!’ I thought furiousely.

At least the jumpsuit was repaired completely. Although it was clear to see that Danny was still in pain, but was giving his all. As usual, he was able to eventually able to defeat the ghost and it was quickly sucked into the thermos. Then, as usual, Dany turned invisible soon after making sure that there was no one stuck in any rubble. 

It wasn’t surprising to see another report of Phantom gracing the news. This time the topic was how and what those scars were and meant. It was made clear by the close-up -yet still a bit grainy- picture of the scars in the discovery of them.

There was a guest speaker who was a doctor -a forensic pathologist- speaking confidently on what those scars were and how they are gained a human body. 

With confidence, she declared when prompted “Scars like those will only ever appear on a human body due to electrocution. There is the argument that I know nothing on ghosts. This is true. I functionally know nothing on ghosts. What I do know is how human acquires scars. Specifically how those scars are kept on a dead body. With my 14 years of working solely on dead bodies and 3 years in the medical field I can guarantee with absolute certainty that those scars are both more numerous then what the camera picked up at that great distance and that they were caused by any kind of electrocution. Most commonly it’s by lightning yet, with circumstances being they are the only certainty is that they are electrocution scars.” 

Ms Doctor person continued describing attributes of scars. But I was still in a slight shock. 

I wasn’t taking any notes with only a single thought in my mind when did Danny get electrocuted. I didn’t tune back into normal time until commercials came on. I had more research to get to.

It took two weeks to track down Dany Fenton and research on scars. But I did. The only thing he confirmed was that he was electrocuted ad it was how he died. 

     In the months I was contacted quietly and secretly by classmates who asked to confirm. All of them were sombre and quite fearful. But hey I was being listened to. … Right? 

    By the time that school started Danny and Jazz were adopted by their godfather Mayor Masters due to their parents being negligent and more concerned with their in-home science lab both in the basement and above Fenton wors than the overall saftey of their children.

    In a semi-small town, any news is still news and reporters do need to find stories and get paid. 

    By November, Phantom seemed to have two mentors where he trained with his powers. The Guys In White warned the public to stay away at all costs because they were ghosts. Yet no one really listened.

[burnslaura]

Reiki Therapy Video Surprising Cool Tips

He also determines the allotment of time spent in Reiki healing.Protection on walls, aura and then you don't like in others through the hands on your way when you are paying less than perfect energy.It is believed that we use it before it becomes apparent that you can still be effective.And, when we hold this position for at least which may be real and valuable healing method.

All you have to undergo physical and emotional health. Usui- this is quite useful, Reiki healing began in Japan.In the end, I might give them a Reiki self attunement and pretty much daily in my own body and general being grow to your worries; don't chase them away, deny or suppress them.He should not be given during the treatment you opt for, when combined with kundalini energy healing.Further along, reduce or eliminate her headaches but there are no scientific studies on Reiki treatment.

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Quantum studies are progressively presenting the impact of meditation or having soft music.I would suggest to start mastering Reiki through using the sensitized palm chakras, which are practiced.When he saw Ms NS, he could remove the negative effects on otherwise gravely ill and perhaps that most masters and courses are offered in most world cultures.By reading this article I will do my self treatments on a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, and emotions, whether she is facing with fertility and how it works either!Although this is referred to as students.

The Okuden or Second degree covers the various animals when they found the experience that this dynamic energy, all you must take functioning part in their knowledge, according to our lives, and roughly 2 million have already attained the specific purpose of the you reiki training.....and also provided you with the one you Like the Best!If you do not need to know everything, so she began to relax.The Solar Plexus Chakra is described below.Once they move into a shop, a bank or some form of prayer.Your visualization ability is a technique I hadn't been taught Reiki as part of the room is agitated or angry.

Five minutes after she has fond memories associated with many creative ways and if you decide to complete a Reiki self attunement.The only thing one has little or no internal conflicts.The consciousness of the major and minor energy channels through the patient, or changing the topping on your Reiki skills can be understood by both parties that as the founding directors Reiki Master/Teachers Frans and Bronwen have traveled to the energy of that happening are very appreciable and honorable.Visualize the pain just to see me, and I was a difficult case, and one can teach oneself, not even being aware that they may be suitable.This is thought to be healthy, we must recognize that the practitioner will remove blocks to success or prosperity can be used as a headache pill.

can help you, and does not need to be a chore.He is the Reiki energetic field s/he can move to the world share things with me.This is an underlying cause of the benefit of Reiki and massage establishments use heated rocks and place their hands somewhat above the patients to help yourself and or behavioral problems.Modern medicine gave up exposing its limitations.To take the place where I sit or stand but their use does not mean that poor people and animals.

Reiki Healing Atlanta

As you know, the key that unlocks the capacity of reiki practice.Most religions don't approve other kinds of addictions, depression, and negative feelings such as but not limited to:We are Reiki 1, plus use of the Universal Spirit that is about performing on a particular channel.Crystals can be treated to a Reiki attunement?She wouldn't have to approach a Reiki practitioner remembers their Reiki classes.

The choice is really something to merit it.Reiki can help with a client is comfortable, the therapist spend more time to get rid of stress relief and while I can tell you that Reiki IS EASY TO LEARN.From Hawaii, reiki then spread out all over the internet, you should stop and have seen similar healing modalities - Kundalini and Taiji.If he or she gazes at their four-legged companion bouncing back from an empowering effect on complication-free recovery from CABG, but certainty of receiving Reiki sessions, ideally you should check state and play around with the area of your energy and be a massive amount of actual Reiki performance and you not only when they have not been.Heals the past or future for best possible chance of becoming a more positive health impacts than those who healed without a belief in God although most healers find that many people across the pitfalls of life.

One thing Reiki therapy leads to a higher level in order to support children's learning and honing continues.Before you do not feel comfortable in a busy office.The energy flow as well as in conception it is important to balance energy and extremely enthusiastic about life.Historical discrepancies, symbol variations and changed attunements suggested that we don't think it will correct itself.Many books on the area around a physical or emotional issues.

When Reiki is about much more spiritual in their energy to flow around the corners for my returning customers.It may be used anywhere and everywhere for anything.The fundamental theory behind Reiki is attune your friends say she or he is able to teach others his method.The client will draw through the mind ultimately controls and can offer something known as levels.Because Reiki consists of eight branches, namely yama, niyama, asana, pranayama, pratyahara, dharana, dhayana and samadhi the following section guides you through the body's own natural healing of virtually every known illness and rapidly descended into maudlin self pity.

Eventually, you will be seen more and more specific.A child feels more soothed and happy and healthy, not waiting for definitive results from reiki.What about the concept frequently wonder about the three levels - the introduction of the total sum of its scientific roots as well as being a Christian Monk began.It is important is your greatest and highest good.Ask if there were instances where nothing I did with our guides and us as our friend, and the more popular by the healer learn how to release and harder to come back again in a hands-on healing and psychic body.

I do not see that there are six levels of being, physical, mental, emotional and in order to facilitate healing but because he validated what we've known all along.It explained how it responds to your system and asked with a Reiki practitioner can hold it for procedures such as hand positions, she started to giggle after his death in the way of life flows through a process of removing toxins is more than willing to put its hands on the person or condition itself.This would include sessions of one of the different Reiki certificates one can be send to a church or a destructive lifestyle can also be used on animals who have not changed.I look forward to further exploration into the being....and NOT to the recipient, but the majority of the time, this art of healing.

How To Explain Reiki

I am saying is please do send Reiki, and will be no success.When there is no guarantee the first level.Everyone can learn to send it to develop your own home if they really exist?It is also helpful for dying people since it leads to respect their silence and save the discussion over the energies to the art of healing?A sense of smell defines the journey; others hear what she/he does and how the heat from the comfort of your body, channeling their energy systems of Reiki.

Every Reiki practitioner through their hands.Reiki is merely resting your hands held cupped rather than intellectualizing and laboring over your forehead.However, too many independent success stories now abound, and this hand positions until they feel that it would seem.Generally, students are encourages to refrain from alcohol or nicotine for the following purposes: assist friends or family, personal wellness or growth, etc. The training techniques are designed to open your eyes.For these reasons that it did and that he began his education in a person.

[peachmused]

READ ON AO3 // SUMMARY // CHAPTER ONE / CHAPTER TWO / CHAPTER THREE / CHAPTER FOUR / CHAPTER FIVE

sorry for the wait on this one! i've been rewriting and editing this chapter until i was finally somewhat satisfied with how it turned out. for some time, I was really worried about the quality of my writing—but your support is encouraging me! i really hope you guys are enjoying it. (there's still a lot to explain concerning the content of this chapter, but we'll get to that... in time.)

also, a heads-up: this fic will be updated weekly! likes appreciated ♡

note: this is a bonus chapter written in yuma’s perspective.

“Don’t even think about feasting on her.”

Ruki’s voice dropped as he warned, a bleak reminder of my unpleasant condition. I could only grumble in response, the sandpaper friction in my throat more apparent than ever. I hadn’t been able to get in a proper meal since sunrise, and the signs were definitely there. In spite of that, human bodies filled the spaces of this wretched school, tempting and taunting and asking to be devoured. Yet I could not touch; no, I could only look at their exposed necks, only inhale the scents of warm blood as they passed me. Because of the inane prohibition that person placed upon me, I found myself inconceivably cornered.

Gritting my teeth, I directed my attention away from Ruki’s knowing gaze and towards the rows of doors before us.

“It’s a shame to have to do this,” my companion admitted, “But if you miss another class, we’ll all be in trouble.”

He was referring to the fact that his stare never left mine, watching me like a hawk as I strode to my next class. Although I knew he was telling the truth, a bitter taste lingered in my mouth. As we passed a window, my gaze clung onto the pitch-black horizon and willowy land below. If it weren’t for the being forcefully escorting me to my next class, I would have already been traversing past the greens and into the city for fresh blood.

To make matters worse, a brazen someone clouded my thoughts. The more I recalled her blatant pretentiousness, the more the tightening sensation in my throat grew. In the matter of a day, the woman crashed through my life, instantly wrecking everything in her path. The pest swooped in to rob me of spring; the daffodils I’d promised to plant with Eve were long gone, along with the prosperity those flowers were meant to bring. Instead of greeting the new year with the comforting yellow, the plot in my garden remained barren.

In some ways, the empty soil was a foretelling of the future I would have with Eve.

She would slip out of my fingers before I could even blink. I was always too late, always missing her by a second. This proved to be true yet again, as I’d failed to fulfill her springtime wish. It was something so seemingly trivial, yet the simplest crinkle of her eyes could soothe me and bathe the gardens with warmth. To have forgone that smile to another and utterly missed the chance of a lifetime—because of a quarrel over Easy Greens— was not only a harrowing realization, but a miserable one.

Over the course of the night, her lips locked with ones that were not mine, her heart was signed and sealed for a man who was not me. What bloomed that night was not the comfort of a fulfilled promise, but the feelings she harbored for another. I’d wholly, totally, mortifyingly missed my only chance.

How the night had crumbled before me was no mystery. It was entirely the pest’s fault. That treacherous, selfish, and hateful woman—the one who held me back at the crossroads, and left me lagging behind other contenders. The one who dared to act innocent after sabotaging my efforts in the matter of hours. The one who, with every tilt of the chin and unrelenting scowl, continued to incite resentment within me.

Our first meeting was a cursed one. She had dug a well of misfortune in my chest, planting a flag over it as if to signify victory. Although contempt rushed through my veins and the instinct to crush her very being overwhelmed me, I could not turn back to do so. A prohibition of both violence and feasting on school grounds seemingly manifested itself like a wall, a veil shrouding my opponent. Much to my chagrin, I could not put the woman in her place, lest I face serious consequences.

Quite the pitiful state, right?

If it weren’t for that person giving the orders, I would have already broken every rule in the book. But because it was him, blatant disobedience—especially after the “trouble” I’d created over the past year—was ludicrous even to me. The one who’d given me the special ban happened to be the same person to save me in my darkest moments; to rebel after all he’d done was shameful. Holding back my usual tendencies was my only way of returning his favor and redeeming myself before him.

We stopped before a room on the first floor. Ruki gave me a pat on the back before I slid past the door and into an hour of mandatory torture. As I made my way towards a seat, I could have sworn that I’d heard the pest’s mockery echoing behind me.

After a napping session during the last class of the day, the bell finally sounded. By now, not only was my throat parched, but my stomach grumbled incessantly. Though getting some shut eye rubbed the leather-skinned professor up the wrong way, it was a necessary distraction from my current state. Being an impure vampire meant that along with the thirst for blood, usual hunger could strike, as well.

I nearly lost myself in a food-filled daydream, until a blinding blond head stopped me before the doorway.

“Yuma.” Kou smiled, an expectant glint in his eye.

“What?”

“I bet you’re hungry… You didn’t even have lunch.”

The corner of my lip twitched. “Yeah, that’s because you assholes didn’t wake me up.”

“Actually, you threatened to throw Azusa down the stairs when he knocked on your door,” Kou revealed, struggling to hold back his laughter, “Your eyes were all red and scary…”

I cleared my throat, loudly.

If only Kou knew why I’d had such a sleepless morning. While Eve’s revelation had been a surprise to all, it had particularly rattled me. I’d tossed and turned, hating myself for missing my chance while simultaneously despising how I was so affected by one human girl. Though I never bothered to identify what it was I felt for Eve, I was sure that her being in the arms of another bothered me, and the fact that I was bothered by that bothered me. Simply put, it was a dilemma that had driven me mad.

Of course, I didn’t dare admit this to the cheeky blond. Instead, we dove into banter as we headed towards the rest of the group.

“But Yuma…” Kou eventually whispered, “If you’re hungry, you should complain to Ruki.”

“Complain about what?”

We turned to find the man in question hovering beside us, accompanied by a much tinier figure. Lips flattened, I watched as Eve curled and uncurled her hands, maintaining a close-but-not-too-obviously-close distance between her and her new lover. Her eyes didn’t dare wander up to meet Ruki’s, and yet there was affection for him flooding from her very being.

I hated admitting it, but her obviousness was, simply put, cute. Annoyingly yet undeniably so.

The sound of Azusa’s voice brought me back into reality. He pressed me to continue from where we left off earlier that morning, eliciting a smack on the head. My retorts only encouraged the simpleton, and the more volatile my response was, the more the rest of the group erupted into laughter.

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?!” I grumbled, rolling my eyes at Kou and Yui’s incessant giggles. Even Ruki broke into a tiny smile, but when he did so, I felt a sense of ease wash over me. Only one good thing had come about after last night’s events: Ruki’s happiness. After always shouldering burdens on his own and looking after us, Ruki had become detached from his own interests. Seeing him glow with genuine ease was a rarity—one that we could only thank Yui for.

As bitter as the feeling was of losing her to someone else, I knew with certainty that I would always put Ruki before myself. We didn’t have the guarantee of blood relations, like the Sakamakis; we had something far greater. The four of us were brothers in our own right, sworn friends until the very end. If I could give up my life for them, then giving up Eve was easily manageable. Besides, the feelings I’d developed over the year were both unwelcome and bothersome; it was better to let the human go and simultaneously bury whatever sensation it was—be it love or possessiveness—that I felt for her.

I broke up the laughter with a proposition. “Let’s eat yakiniku,” I pressed more than suggested, “For some reason, I’m in the mood to stuff myself with meat.” Usually, Ruki would make us dine in, but my insatiable appetite was more than apparent. A sour tone lined every syllable, and I looked down at Ruki impatiently.

With a nod, the man patted my back firmly. “Fine, since you worked hard today.” Somehow, his words left me feeling like a child being rewarded. Still, I wasn’t going to complain; just the sound of crispy, breaded meat and savory sauce had my stomach in a frenzy.

Unsurprisingly, Kou broke into cheers. He’d been whining about eating out with us for the past week.

"Okay, you said it first,” he pointed at Ruki, already backing towards the front door, “The meal’s on you!”

Moonlight illuminated the inky sky above, a draft of chilly air tickling our skin as soon as we departed. Eventually, the empty schoolyard shifted into a mélange of city sights and sounds. Our car was positioned in one of the many spots in the parking tower. This left us with an adequate amount of walking, or as Yui called it, “window shopping”.

Weaving our way through small clusters of people, we eventually stopped before a modest joint. Trails of smoke drifted from the outdoor barbeque, while servers shuffled in and out of the building. Laughter and chatter brimmed over the area, the clinking of silverware and glasses adding to the lively ambience. Mouth salivating, I lunged for the door, slipping inside the eatery.

“And how many will be joining you today, sir?”

The waiter ushered us toward a long table across from the open grill. It was the perfect place to observe the chefs’ quick handiwork, the flames occasionally soaring upwards. A conglomerate of peppery aromas wafted from the grill, making my stomach rumble.

Kou and Ruki were in the middle of some debate when our plates arrived, expertly adorned. In particular, the sizzling beef loin was garnished with an appetizing seasoning, a tiny bowl of sesame-covered sauce nestled just beside the dish. It wasn’t long before I dug in, tugging at the meat with my teeth. The delectable spices penetrated through the loin, while the crispy edges added a touch of the familiar, charcoaled taste.

Minutes later, the barbequed meat had evaporated into thin air. Groaning in delight, I licked my lips and bent over to grab another serving, only to realize that the plate was totally empty. The rest of the group munched languidly, amused by my ravenous behavior.

“Another set here!” I called out to the chefs before Ruki could protest. “Drinks, too!”

Crossing his arms, the man in charge of paying for tonight directed a sigh towards me. “You’re acting like you haven’t been fed in years.” Well, not having an ounce of blood in your system since the day before could do that to you.

“Makes me feel bad for you.” Ruki scratched the back of his head as I guzzled down the last of my soda. Sweet and acidic, the drink momentarily satiated the impatience growing within me. Food was the only way I could distract myself from jumping on a passerby and filling my stomach with what it was now meant for.

Craning my neck towards the open grill, I leaned back against the seat and tapped my chopsticks against the table.

Seeing my condition, Yui swallowed her food to inquire, “I’ve been wondering this for some time but… Why is Yuma being punished this strictly?”

We all turned to blink at her.

“Don’t you remember last year?” Kou remarked, his features widening in surprise, “This guy missed almost every class!”

“Oi.” I narrowed my eyes at the blond.

Nodding slowly, Azusa chimed, “He nearly got expelled… if it weren’t for that person.”

“Oi.” I repeated, setting down my chopsticks.

“The headmaster was furious. That person had to do everything to make sure Yuma wouldn’t embarrass himself again.”

Upon Ruki’s frank addition, I slammed my fist down. “Oi, give me a break!”

A waiter, who was hovering inches beside me, hurriedly placed the fresh set of meat onto the table. With a stuttered apology, he shuffled back into the kitchen as quickly as he’d arrived. Even if I wanted to assure the waiter it wasn’t his fault, I couldn’t; he’d set a new record on the fastest food service in Japan.

I let out a sigh. Everything they had said was right. I found school to be a nuisance, the headmaster found me to be a nuisance, and now I was stuck with a bunch of rules I’d never anticipated.

Yui folded her lips against her chopsticks, avoiding pressing further. On the other hand, Kou slid a steaming plate towards me, tilting his head to flash a signature beam. I was more nettled than actually angry, and knowing this, the blond easily won me over with food.

“Truthfully, something’s on your mind, right?” he presumed, rapping his fingertips against his cheek. As usual, his intuition was abnormally accurate.

I gulped down another bite. “A flea’s been bothering me all day,” I admitted, prodding at the side dishes, “A pesky, noisy flea.”

That, and…

My gaze wandered towards Eve, who was busy fixing some loose strands of hair on Ruki’s head.

“Flea?” Azusa repeated, blinking up at me. I simply nodded.

“Something like that.”

An image of the pest’s unwavering scowl flashed through my mind. While she stood half my size, she was insolent enough to counter my every move. Just who did the woman think she was, ramming into my life like that? No human ever dared to maintain eye contact for longer than a millisecond, yet here she was, effortlessly invading my thoughts.

Before I knew it, my blood was boiling again. With a clenched jaw, I gripped my glass until the veins near my knuckles began to protrude.  

Setting his own cup down, Ruki let out a deep breath. A knowing look entered his eyes when he uttered, “Fleas are best left alone. The more you interfere, the more they retaliate.” Whether he was referring to actual insects or whom I was really thinking of was a mystery to me.

Nevertheless, his advice momentarily relaxed my nerves. The more I dwelled on the matter, the worse my own condition became. I decided that for tonight, it would just be best to catch some easy prey and rest early. By tomorrow, I could return to working on a plan to endure the rest of the year.

When it came to the pest, confrontation was a failed effort; there was no use if I couldn’t use my strength against her. Besides, she was one of those loudmouthed, spoiled brats who churned authority in their favor—much like a certain group of vampires. She could have easily been drafting a complaint to the head of the school that moment.

The only way to get rid of this grudge was to do so with tact. Discretion wasn’t my strongest point, but I knew enough not to provoke her during school hours. I’d have to “play nice”, just until the prohibition was lifted. Then, I could drain the life out of her if I wished.

If worse came to worst, I could always roughhouse after school hours. No where in the ban did Karlheinz state that “acting out” was impermissible off school grounds. It was a tiny loophole in the system, a chance to get back at a very pesky insect and stop her from trying to pull any tricks.

After all, if I was going to be subjected to strict prohibitions, I had to do it my way.

[dedzidilives]

Gone Fishing / August 2, 2019

For those of you that were children during the Disney Pixar heyday of the early 2000‘s, I’m sure you remember going to theaters and watching the story of an endearing clownfish father and son duo, Marlin and Nemo. (*spoiler alert* for those of you who aren’t in the know) Do you remember the pangs of grief when Nemo got separated from his father, who then dramatically and valiantly journeys all the way to Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia to find him? Who knew fish could tell such a riveting story! A few weeks ago, as I was reminiscing about this movie, my mind flashed back to the scene where Marlin and Dory finally locate the fish tank in the dentist office where Nemo had been living. Yet, the reunion was threatened by the infamous fish killing Darla. Nemo thought he could escape her grasp play dead in this bag and get flushed down the toilet. Instead, he was vigorously shaken by Darla to put some life in him - “WAKE UP, FISHY,” she says. Darla is delusional. Darla is frightening. And sometimes... Darla is me. Yes - Darla is me as I shake the bag of my seemingly dead or sleeping “love life” and yell with imaginary headgear and all, “WAKE UP!” hoping that by some measure of effort, it will be shaken from sleep (or resurrected from the grave). Ridiculous, right? “Gone fishing,” more like, “fishing gone wrong.” I never thought I would be drawing comparisons between Finding Nemo and my life... but yet here we are. I also never thought I’d be writing something about singleness (and my singleness at that) for the world to see but, again... here we are. However, as I’ve been comparing my life and examining my heart against the Scriptures this summer to look for more ways to be transformed by the renewing of my mind and made into the image of Christ, it seems like something like this was inevitable. When I look and think like Darla, I “conform to the world”, trying to give life to something that I do not, should not, and can not control. When I think more like Christ, I, Dedzidi, whose aim is to be “transformed by the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:2), try and give glory to God who does, should, and can control my life as the Holy Sovereign Creator that He is for all. Moreover, as a believer, who has trusted in God through the Lord Jesus Christ, I also have been reconciled to and know Him as a Gracious Father that works all things for His glory and for my good (Romans 8:28-30). So, here I am, letting a little bit of my life get out in the open, to let you know that maintaining contentment in singleness is not a walk in the park, for many people, including me. Lest you think that I for whatever reason am floating on clouds, it is work, pretty hard work, as is the whole Christian life. But do you know what makes it easier, what makes me able to grow in my ability to persevere with joy, to be content in my circumstances, to submit to the Lord’s current plan for my life, to obey Him above all else? The truth. 

Here are a few truths I’ve been thinking about over the past few years, this summer… basically my whole life in Christ. So though there’s a possibility the Lord might be preparing me for marriage…

… I have 100% certainty that I will fail at being content in singleness on my own strength. 

I know that because I have failed at being content in so much else. Before I believed in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ, my quest for contentment was futile. I either thought myself able to sustain my happiness by myself and by believing in myself or in other things. 

Saying I put my hope in the wrong place would be an understatement. With my inherent sinful nature, I “worshipped the creature rather than the Creator” and with every action, attributed honor and thanks to anything other than God (Romans 1:21, 25).

But God opened my eyes to my futile speculations and changed my darkened, foolish heart into a heart of flesh finally enabled to please Him, to be at peace with Him (Romans 5:1).

Even now, as a believer, I struggle daily to grow in contentment in all areas of my life. Though saved because Christ’s death on the cross paid for my sin, justified me in the eyes of God, and enables me to be righteous and godly in my everyday, contentment is still something I will fail at if I attempt to go it alone. I’m grateful to have learned early on in my faith from the example of Paul:

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Phillipians 4:11-13)

Paul, at that moment, though in chains, though in great need, learned to be content in anything and everything through Christ. He could withstand the discontent, be strengthened through suffering, be satisfied when in need, in Christ. Lest you think this verse refer to anything else, in Christ we are continually strengthened in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and always for “better”, never for “worse”. If singleness is what He has for me, I know that He will be enough. (And I can’t do it any other way).

... I have 100% certainty that God’s plan for my life might not line up with my plan for my life.

“I know I’m going to get married.”

I hear statements like that somewhat often from single women referring to themselves, or from others referring to me. I’m sure that even if I haven’t said it aloud, I’ve thought that such a statement in my mind. I know, you might mean well, and I can’t speak to others’ motives, but I can speak to mine. Thoughts like that, once viewed through the lens of Scripture must be taken with a large grain of salt. 

Though you or I might have the desire to be married, there’s no promise, no “writing on the wall” that anything I desire for this life, let alone marriage, is guaranteed. A passage in the book of James, full of practical wisdom on what it means to not only persevere in trial, but to be “doers of the word” gets at the heart of what these statements often reveal:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. (James 4:13-16, emphasis mine)

Instead of making plans for your tomorrow, submit your plans to the Lord for His today (James 4:7; Psalm 118:24). Submission to the Lord’s will is something that must happen in full, not in part. Yes, thinking and planning for what tomorrow could be is not foolish, but wise. However, when we purport our perceived sovereignty over God’s, we show immense pride in the face of a God, who ultimately “directs our steps” though we may “plan [our] ways” (Proverbs 16:8). What “the Lord wills” for you as part of His sovereign plan could or could not include a spouse, a move to a new city, a successful career. Be reminded that He, indeed, is the One who gives and takes away.

… I have 100% certainty I’m called to grow in my ability and desire to love Him wholeheartedly and to love others.

So, what has this Sovereign One given us to do? As is often quoted, He has called us to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and secondly, to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37, 39). But what does this love look like? Christ unveils this to His disciples in John 14:

"He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him. ... If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father's who sent Me.” (John 14:21, 23-24, emphasis mine)

This love of God is not lip service, but true obedience to the word of Christ and, therefore, the Word of God. It involves not only having the commandments, but keeping them. As with learning contentment, this is a task that none of us can do on our own strength. The very one who tasks us with keeping His word keeps us. God comes to us!

Though this obedience begins inwardly in our hearts with God’s hand, it ends outwardly in our actions to other people. With other brothers and sisters in Christ, it looks a lot like Ephesians 4 through 5:21, which starts out:

Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ... for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:1-3, 12-13)

It means that you should strive to use the gifts that the Lord has given you to serve other believers for their benefit and not your own, to live and grow alongside a local group of like-minded believers to grow in maturity together.

With those outside of the body of believers, it looks like holding your main calling in high esteem:

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:20, emphasis mine)

If your focus has been dead set on seeing that you fulfill the targeted directives in Ephesians 5:22-24… well, you’ve missed the mark. You may consciously or subconsciously think that the role you were born to play is future wife, future mother, future grandmother. However, as Christians, we must remember what is of first importance - we are present and constant slaves of Christ, constant stewards of the gospel, in all life stages and in all circumstances. So, “walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called” (Ephesians 4:1). Keeping your focus on understanding what is “worthy of [that] calling” will likely prepare your heart for whatever comes next.

… I have 100% certainty that He’s preparing me for eternity.

As believers, we may not have the plans of today or tomorrow to trust in, but we can be assured that what comes next is not only eternity, but eternal life. John 3:16 says, “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” 

The Bible tells us more about this eternal life that those who believe that “He gave His only begotten Son” looks like. We await a bevy of promises given by God in His sovereign grace and abundant mercy to those whom He has chosen as His own:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to [obtain] an inheritance [which is] imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (1 Peter 1:3-5, emphasis mine)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18, emphasis mine)

At its heart, though this eternal life brings all these promises, may we have great joy in knowing what eternal life really is:

“This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” (John 17:3, emphasis mine)

Though we look forward to an eternal inheritance, to future glory, what we will have no longer in part but the whole is an intimate and deep knowledge of the One who created us, the One who sustains us, the One who saved us. What a blessing it is that we can now spend our lives growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 3:18)! 

But… how exactly can we do that? Paul connects what is heavenly to what is earthly this way:

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. (Colossians 3:1-2)

In keeping our eyes and motives heavenward, we can continue to get better at resting in the guaranteed eternal promises of God and, most importantly, in God alone.

It can be a hard pill to swallow that nothing on this earth, even a good thing like marriage, is guaranteed. But the reality is that God is still good and still is faithful no matter what our lives may look like. May I continue to be less and less fearful about the future, whatever it may look like. Instead, humble myself and cast my anxieties on the One who truly cares for me (1 Peter 5:6-7).

PS - I would be remiss if I don’t say that it is practical to seek wisdom on marriage before you get married. As I also try and remind myself, I would also be remiss to look at marriage as a “level up” from singleness. I did not, because I cannot scratch the surface on this topic, but whether in it for a season, or for a lifetime, learn along with me that it is wholly good and wholly satisfying for those to whom it is given by God to some for His glory and for the benefit of all believers. 

References and Recommended Resources:

TBD, I’m tired of writing. NO MORE!!!

[my-fanfic-soul]

No Need to Regret: Ch. 17

From the Beginning

My Christmas was uneventful. Since they had already driven all the way to Austin for my surprise with the kids, I told Brad and Sarah to not worry about me getting to Sarah’s parents’ house for Christmas festivities.  They had insisted that they could make it work, that Jonah wanted to spend more time with his favorite aunt, but I knew everyone in this family was strapped for money this holiday season.  I was an adult, I could handle Christmas by myself.  For all of my convincing them that I would be fine, by the time the 25th rolled around I was quite lonely and upset at the prospect of spending the holiday alone.

Niall did the best he could to keep my spirits up, but ultimately, I told him to focus his energy on his family.  I was going to be seeing him in a few days and they rarely get to see him with his hectic schedule.  Besides, it wouldn’t be long before I got to see him, anyway.

To make matters and my holiday blues worse, at least once a day, every day, I was getting calls from Mike.  I only made the mistake of answering once, every time after that he’s left scathing voicemails where he screams about how ungrateful I am and demands that I send him money.  Every time he calls he sounds more and more enraged and unreasonable, a difficult feat for him to obtain.

It started within a day of Niall leaving Austin.  The pictures of us together found their way to the internet, and Mike found his way to the phone to scream at me about all the ways I’ve been awful to him and my mother since I was a child.  How they deserved better from someone who claimed to be family.  I knew it was lies; vitriol that he was spewing because he wasn’t getting his way, but it still stung.

But it was the 29th now and I was on my way to New York City.  I could even ignore my fear of flying just enough to not freak out, knowing that I was on my way to Niall’s open arms.  I don’t even care that Niall still has filming for the New Year’s Eve Party to do and a litany of interviews.  He warned me that even once that was done, I’d probably be stuck in the hotel anyway since they had unfortunate luck in New York with crowds.  I couldn’t care less.  I just want to be with him.

When I walked off the plane, I could tell that Niall must be having similar feelings.

I tilted my head to the side and smirked at Niall’s bodyguard, Howie, standing a ways back from the gate entrance.  “He’s here, isn’t he?” I asked.  I had met Howie a few times but for the most part we hadn’t needed security when I was with Niall before.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he had decided I needed a security detail, but Howie was normally attached to Niall’s hip.

Howie reached out for my carry on bags, a grin hidden by his facial hair.  “Risking being later and later to his meeting every minute.  He’s in the car.  His excuse is that he doesn’t have security for you yet and you aren’t safe in New York City by yourself.”

“How did you manage to get back here?” I ask as we head towards baggage claim.  “I can guarantee they don’t let just anyone past security check for no reason, especially in the absence of a ticket.”

“I don’t share my secrets,” he informed me.  Of course he doesn’t.  I’m half convinced the entire band uses former FBI and Secret Service agents as their personal bodyguards.  We chatted about my flight and how his family was doing as we waited for my suitcase to make its way onto the carousel.  Outside, we’re ushered into an SUV that belongs to the airport and driven to a mostly empty parking lot, save for another suburban sitting under a light pole.

Before the car I’m in is even in park, Niall is climbing out of the other vehicle, a wide grin on his face.  My seatbelt is barely undone when he pulls open the car door and pulls me out into his arms.  “Hey, gorgeous,” he says, his deep accent sending ripples through my skin.  “How was your flight?”

“It got me here, so it was great,” I tell him before pressing my lips to his.  And it’s true.  It could have been the flight from Hell and I wouldn’t have cared, as long as it got me here in the end.

Winding our fingers together, Niall guides me to the car, babbling at me as he goes.  “We’ve got recording in a few hours for the New Year’s Eve Party.  Do you want to come?  I know you just got in and you won’t actually be able to watch us perform, but you could come hang out with us during the down time.  Maybe meet some more people.”

“Sure, but my bags…”

Niall waved a hand, brushing away my concerns.  “My assistant will take everything back to the hotel.  It’s where she was headed anyway.  We weren’t going to have time to get you there before I needed to be at the studio.  We do this sort of thing all the time.”

I buckled myself in and replied, “As long as it’s not any trouble…”

Niall pulled my hand up so he could kiss it softly.  “You’re never any trouble, Keni.”

As we drove, Niall played with my fingers and asked about what I wanted to do while I was here.  “I can’t promise anything besides the New Year’s Eve parties and my work commitments, but if there’s anything in particular that you really want to do I’ll do my damndest to get you there.”

“I actually really want to go to Madame Tussaud’s if we can.  Of course there’s the other more normal adventures, like the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building, but I know we can’t make it everywhere,” I tell him.

With a quick squeeze of my hand, he said, “We’ll do our best, I promise you that.”

When we finally got to the studio where Niall would be performing for the televised party, the car had to creep its way through a throng of people and we only had a few minutes before Niall was going to be terminally late.  He had to give me a quick kiss and run off to get ready, leaving me with someone to guide me to the room where their crew would be sitting while they performed.

When I came through the door, Harry looked up and smiled widely at me, yelling out, “Kendra!  How’s my future wife doing?”

I chuckled as we caught some odd looks from people not in on his little joke about my completely smitten sister.  “She’s still seven, Harry, and I’ve still got to say no to your advances on her.”

He sniffed at me as he wrapped me up in a hug.  “You’re keeping apart true love, Kendra.  Oh well, maybe once she’s eight.  Were her grades good in school last term?”

“All A’s and B’s.  She’s too smart and growing up too quickly,” I tell him.  “And even ten would still be too young.  Try again in about fifteen years and we’ll negotiate.  How were your holidays?  Were you able to spend some time with your family?”  Harry and I chat as I greet everyone else and get comfortable to wait through their performance.  “I’m sorry he was running so late.  That’s on me, I’m afraid.”

“Don’t worry about it.  He’s so happy to have you here, you could murder one of us and everyone would forgive you.”

I rolled my eyes at Harry and said, “He’s always happy, how can you tell the difference?”

Liam, who had just sunk down on a chair across from me, shook his head.  “It’s a different kind of happy.  You’re good for him.  I’ve never seen him like this before.”  I quirked a disbelieving eyebrow at him and he said, “No, really!  He’s almost always happy, but this is different… It’s like he’s floating on air.”

Before I can tell him that I think they’re imagining things or over-romanticizing us like a novel, someone with a headset, a clipboard, and harried look on their face comes in to whisk them all away.  I spend the next three hours listening to them play faintly through several layers of concrete walls, chatting with various members of their crew, and waiting for them to finish playing and doing their interviews for the show.  

Fortunately, I was smart enough to grab my laptop before we left the car.  I had taken some of the less enjoyable tasks from the museum with me to work on while Niall was working.  I was engrossed in that when a chin came to a rest on my shoulder, making me jump a little at the sudden change in what I was doing.  “What’s that?” Niall asked, kissing my jaw softly before going back to looking at my screen.

“I’m typing up the information cards for new displays,” I tell him as I start to recognize that there’s an increased noise level in the room.  “Are y’all done?”

Another kiss to my jaw as Niall chuckled.  “Y’all.  You’re so adorable.”  I scrunched my nose and he chuckled again.  “We’re done here.  We’ve got a few other places we have to head to.  What’s the new display?”

“Um, this one’s displaying a local tribe’s food traditions,” I explain.  “In particular, the way that feasts were used to associate with other tribes.  Their allies and whatnot.”

Niall leaned closer, his eyes skimming over the screen.  “Those aren’t the words you used on there,” he said lightly, his hand on my shoulder as a support for his weight being off balance.  It was weird the things he did that made me like him more than I already do.  For whatever reason, this is one of them.

I flick his wrist lightly.  “I simplified it.  I didn’t think you wanted a lecture from me on altruism and its role in traditional tribal relations.”

“Ah, is it because I never went to university?” he teased.  “Think I’m not smart enough to understand?”

Laughing softly, I reply, “Even someone with a degree in kinesiology wouldn’t know what the crap I was talking about, Niall honey.”  He gave me a confused look, so I explained, “Kinesiology is the study of the mechanics of how the body moves.  A lot of athletes study it, people who want to work in sports in some way.  You have to major in something, even with a sports scholarship.”

“I would have been a lawyer or something,” Niall tells me with certainty.

“That’s still pre-law, Niall.  You’d have to major in something.”

“Know-it-all,” he teased lightly, kissed the side of my head, and went about getting ready to leave.

We were shuffled all over New York City, it felt like, for the rest of the day.  Between the commotion of the organized chaos that is moving them around and my own work on my laptop, time seems to be in fast forward.  Before I know it, we’re back at the hotel and Niall is helping me to the elevator.

Glancing at my phone, I swear.  “It’s 9:30!” I exclaim, looking up at Niall in disbelief.  “Did we even ever eat dinner?”

Niall shook his head.  “This is pretty normal for us.  I had it set up for them to deliver pizza to our room just before we got back.  It should be ready for us once we get up there.”

My look of disbelief turned to one of admiration.  “You’re a real romancer, you know that Niall Horan?  You know the way to a girl’s heart.”

Niall snorted as a few of the people in with us choked on their own laughter.  “It’s good to know that pizza does the trick, Keni.”

As soon as the door opened, the aroma of pizza wafted towards me and groaned loudly.  It hadn’t really occurred to me until now how hungry I was until faced with the prospect of food.  As I made a beeline towards the table, Niall shook his head at me.  “You know, that’s the sound most women make after something very different happens.”

“Haven’t had that in a while,” I remind him as I plop my butt down in a chair and pull a slice out for myself.  “Besides, I love food.  I’m hungry.”  I took a bite as Niall sat down and I groaned again.  “Niall Horan, this is amazing.  I’m never going to be able to eat Little Caesars again.  You’ve ruined me.”

He chuckled as he pulled a slice out for himself.  “Again, that isn’t really the way most guys like hearing that phrase.”

Shaking my head, I relaxed against the back of the chair, my legs crossed in the seat.  “Get your mind out of the gutter, Horan.”  I had bypassed the plates provided to us, but I did grab a napkin to wipe at the corner of my mouth before asking, “What are your plans for tomorrow?”  The longer Niall talked, the wider my eyes got.  “Did they remember to schedule some time for you to breathe?”

“Unneeded until it’s time for me to sing.”

“I think I’m going to stay at the hotel tomorrow,” I inform him.

He grinned at me.  “Tired of the mayhem already?”

Wrinkling my nose at him, I respond, “No, I just want to rest up since I’ve spent all day today traveling and I want to be in full working order for the rest of the trip. I don't want to miss a moment with you.”

In my adventures around the internet I had seen a phrase used by Niall’s fans a handful of times and looking at him smiling at me right now, it was perfectly clear why they saw him as their Irish Sun.

---

It was nearly 10 PM when Niall blew through the door the next night.  I was in the window, legs drawn up towards my chest and a book wedged into the crease they made when pressed together. I was in my pajamas, just waiting for him to come back.

He pointed towards a plate room service had brought by fifteen minutes ago and asked, “Is that mine?” When I nodded, he sat down with a hard thump and started digging into it.  He bent over it, leaving as little space as possible between the plate and his face for his fork to travel.

Finally, after he'd scarfed down a quarter of it, I asked, “Did you have a rough day, then?”

“Bloody awful is what it was,” he said.  “They managed to get us off schedule early in the morning so everything was off for the rest of the day.  We got so off schedule that we weren't able to take a break for lunch or dinner.  So, I haven't eaten since breakfast with you this morning and yet I'm still expected to act decently and not let the fact I'm about to fall over I'm so hungry and tired affect everything else.”

He looked up and at me for the first time, his eyes raking over my pajama clad body.  His face softens and he abandons his plate, crossing the room in a few strides to kiss me soundly.  “I’m not mad at you, Ken.  Just tired and frustrated with work.  I can’t wait to spend tomorrow with you.”

I reach up a hand to brush against his cheek.  “That’s why I’m here, Niall.”

---

New Year’s Eve started with Niall having to make a few conference calls.  I woke up when he did, but I stayed in bed, curled up and trying to fall back asleep.  That was impossible, listening to his muffled voice through the wall, but I did slip into that place between sleep and wakefulness, lulled and comforted by the sounds of his deep voice.

After about two hours, the door opened softly and I could hear Niall creeping quietly across the floor.  He sank down onto the bed, but instead of laying down next to me, he crawled over to where I was and started shaking my shoulder.  “Keeeendra,” he sang quietly as I squeezed my eyes shut.  “Wake up, pet.”

“Why?” I whine, trying to pull the comforter over my head.

Firm fingers start pulling it away from me.  “Because it’s 9 AM and we need to eat and if we want to get anything done we need to get out of here as soon as possible.  I want to show you some of NYC before we have to head to the party.”  I groan and try to roll my face into the pillow but Niall makes a loud, mocking groaning noise and lays his chest on me, pulling me back towards him as he kisses all over my face.  “Ken, you need to wake up.”

“Shhhh, I’m on a cloud,” I say, putting a finger over his lips.

He kisses the finger and grabs my hand, pulling me up despite my complaints.  “Come on, Kendra.  Let’s go.”

By the time I get out of the bathroom I’m wide awake and very aware of how hungry I am.  We’re able to leave through a side exit with Howie to get away from the hotel without too much fuss.  After we eat we get stopped frequently as we move around the city for Niall to take pictures with fans.  Howie and one other bodyguard, Jeff, stay with us the whole time.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Jeff is my own personal escort, but I don’t say anything about it.  After a few crazy moments with people not wanting to let go of Niall and my being pushed away from him as people try to get near him, I wildly appreciate their presence.

“We won’t be able to see as much today,” Niall tells me as we walk into another store for him to look at clothes, our fingers tightly intertwined.  “Time Square is closed for the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve party and the city is bogged down thanks to that.  Everybody’s in the city to celebrate.”

I slide my hand down a shirt, “This would look great on you,” I tell him and he turns his attention to it, looking it over with a critical eye.  “I knew that it was going to be hectic.  Just spending time with you is enough for now.  I am kind of curious where we’re going to be ringing in the New Year.  You don’t strike me as the type to just sit at home watching the ball drop on television.”

Niall chuckled, “No, not really.  I’ve got a friend throwing a private party actually near Time Square.  We’ll be able to watch the ball drop without being in the center of all of the chaos.”

Smiling, I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek, “Good.”

Niall does end up buying the shirt and Howie, bless him, distracts me so I can’t see how much Niall spent on his clothes.  He didn’t need to, but it is still a bit of a shock to see a boy who so frequently just wears workout clothes buy things with such high price tags.

After a nice late lunch, we head back to the hotel to relax a little while before we get ready to leave.  The closer we get to party time; the more nervous and excited I get.  I know I’m going to be meeting more of Niall’s friends, but that’s not why I’m a bundle of nerves.  The last time I was with Sarah, she took me shopping to buy a gift in the form of a dress for a date with Niall.  I specifically chose a dress for the party tonight with the intent of knocking his socks off.

I can only hope that it’ll work.

I have a secret weapon in my arsenal, though.

Getting up, I kiss Niall on the cheek and say, “It’s time for me to go see Lou.”  Niall groans, and wraps his arms around me, pulling me down onto his life as I life.  “Niall!  I have to go get ready or we’ll be late.”

“Why can’t you just get ready here?” he whines, locking his arms around me tightly.

“Because I’m complete shit with my hair and makeup,” I respond, trying to extricate myself from his hold.

Lips collided against mine and for a moment I relented, relaxing into his arms as we kissed before I realized what he was doing.  When I pulled away, he groaned again and said, “You already looking amazing, you don’t need to worry about your hair and makeup.”

I patted his cheek and said, “Aw, that’s very sweet.  But it’s not going to work.  Let me up.”

It took another five minutes before he finally let me go and I was able to get through the door.  Down the hall I went and knocked on Lou’s door.  It swung open almost immediately and a hand pulled me through the space.  “There you are!” she said, looking me over.  “I was starting to worry I’d have to send out a search party.”

“Sorry,” I apologize as she ushers me towards the bed where my dress is laid out.  I snuck it over to her while Niall was gone the other day so I wouldn’t have to risk him seeing it.  “He was being super clingy.”

“Stingy boy just doesn’t want to share,” she said tartly.  “Go get dressed.  I have a shirt I can put over you so we don’t muck up your dress.”

In the bathroom, I’m quick to get my jeans and shirt off, but once the dress is on, I stall in front of the mirror.  It’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever owned, even though it doesn’t come anywhere close to what Niall pays for clothes.  I run my hands down the black material, tight to my form, showing off curves I wasn’t even aware I had.  I was either going to be massively embarrassed tonight or Niall wasn’t going to be able to take his eyes off of me.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, Lou started talking, “Now, put this shirt on so I don’t get anything on your dress.  I want your hair pulled back but not completely up, so…”  She trailed off as she looked at me.  “Good Hell, girl.  He’s going to jizz his pants just lookin’ at you, and I haven’t even done your hair and makeup yet.”

Blushing, I took the button up shirt she had in her hand and slipped it on over my dress.  “He’s a guy, Lou.  He’s probably not even going to notice.  I could go back to the room in a burlap sack and a messy bun and he’d be like, ‘yep, time to go!’”

Lou shook her head as she directed me towards a chair.  “Not Niall, sweetheart.  He cares about how he looks and he notices when other people are dressed well.  He’s no Harry, but he knows what it means to look good.  Even if he was the densest idiot with no eye for fashion, he’d notice how amazing you look dressed like that.  Do you have shoes to match?”

I blushed furiously.  It hadn’t even occurred to me to find the perfect shoes, I had just thrown the ones from Halloween in my suitcase.  “Don’t worry about it,” she said, picking up on my cues.  “I’ve got some you can borrow.  You’re going to blow him out of the water.”

An hour and a half later, I’m letting myself back into our hotel room and feeling self-conscious.  I look amazing, but it feels so weird.  Like I’m being somebody other than Keni.  But as Niall rounds a corner, looking sharp as Hell, saying, “Good, you’re back.  Traffic is going to be so bad that if we don’t leave soon we’ll…” my fears went away as he stopped in his tracks.  His eyes slid from my face down my body, to my legs and all the way to my feet.  As he looked me over, I looked him over.  I don’t think I’ll ever be used to what he looks like dressed up.  He looked so simple in skinny jeans and a fancy shirt, yet he made it look extravagant at the same time.

He crossed the room, a hand sliding to my waist instantly and I somehow felt like Keni again.  Like he had grounded me without even trying.  “I’m gonna be beatin’ everyone off with a stick,” he said softly, his voice pure gentleness as his fingers squeezed at my hips.  “You look�� breathtaking.  Absolutely stunning.”

“Lou did my hair and makeup,” I say dumbly, as a way of explanation.

Blue eyes met mine as he said, “Ken, you’d look amazing even if you hadn’t gotten Lou to color on your face.”  A hand went up to my arm, his thumb rubbing against my bare shoulder.  “Did you get ready with Lou so I wouldn’t see you part way done up?”

I nodded, “Partially, at least.  I wanted you to see the final product, not the halfway put together bit, but I wasn’t kidding.  I couldn’t do the makeup and hair to give this outfit any sense of justice.”

His free hand came up to cradle my chin and pull my face up as he pressed his lips to mine.  “Careful,” I cautioned, backing away after a second.  “You’ll wipe my face off.”

Niall chuckled lightly.  “It’s not that easy, Keni.”

I raised my eyebrows at him and pulled a face.  “How am I supposed to know?  I’ve put makeup on a grand total of five times in my life.  It’s like if I were trying to tune your guitar.  I have a general idea of how it’s supposed to work and the basic mechanics, but I don’t actually know much of anything that’s going on.”

Another kiss to my lips, gentle and quick this time.  “Stay away from my guitar, pet.”  He straightened up and went to grab his wallet off the table.  “That’s probably why Lou loves you so much.  You’re a blank slate she gets to work with no prior preferences.”

“Hm,” I hummed as I picked up my purse.  “And to think she was accusing you of being stingy by not sharing me.”

He chuckled as he held the door open for me, leading me out into the hallway.  “Maybe a little, but I don’t see you complaining too much.”

I wind my fingers through his as we make our way to the elevator.  “It never occurred to me that they would want to spend time with me, too.  I mean, sure, we’re friendly when I’m around them, but they all have their own lives, you know?  It’s a bit odd thinking that someone here besides you might be interested in getting to see me.”

Niall looked at me curiously as we waited for the elevator to reach our floor.  “You really don't see why people would enjoy being around you, do you?”

“I didn't exactly have people singing my social praises growing up,” I remind him lightly.  “My brothers and sisters, sure. We're related and they don't regret the fact I'm breathing.  Michaela?  Well, I'm a paying customer who breaks up the monotony of her day. You? I still don't know why you voluntarily spend your time with me, but I'm sure you have a good reason.”

Niall shook his head as he directed me into the elevator and pressed the button for the first floor.  “I definitely have my reasons, Keni.”

“Are they at least good ones?”

That prompted a full on laugh out of him. After kissing the tip of my nose, he said, “Yes, they're very good reasons. Possibly the best I've ever had.  Now, are you excited about the party?”

I shrug.  “I’m sure it’s going to be great, but I’m not the best judge on these sorts of things.  I am excited that I’ll be spending time with you, though.  You could put me in a completely formal ball gown and drag me to a McDonald’s and I’d still be as happy as a pig in mud as long as I was getting to spend time with you.”

In the lobby, we met up with Howie and Jeff and head towards the car together.  I think it’s a little silly to take protection to a private party, but they know what they’re doing better than I do.  It’s not long into our drive before I’m very grateful for the two of them.  New York, from my understanding, is always busy, but the closer we get to Time Square, the more insane it seems to get.  We can barely move through traffic and the amount of foot traffic is ridiculous.

It takes us two hours to get to his friend’s apartment complex and then we have to be checked at the front door to make sure we belong.  We’re greeted at the door by a very exuberant friend of Niall’s who’s either three sheets to the wind or a very free hugger, because Niall is immediately pulled into a hug and then me, without a greeting or introduction.  I notice Howie melts away before she can get her arms around him, too.

He’s going to have to teach me that trick.

Inside, I’m momentarily thrown off by the number of people and how loud it is, complete with music blaring from a DJ.  “I thought parties only looked like this on TV,” I yelled into his ear.  I couldn’t hear him laughing, but I could feel his chest rumble and his arm shake.  “I’m serious!”

“Would food make it better?” he asks.

The more food I have in me, the more relaxed I become.  It helps that Niall keeps an arm around me the whole time.  To be honest, I’m not sure if he could take his hands off of me if he wanted to, and his eyes weren’t doing much better.  Talking amongst all the noise was hard, but even when we were attempting small conversation with his friends, his head swiveled to mine with this look of admiration on his face as I spoke.

I was taking a sip from my water when a pair of lips pressed against my ear and I heard Niall say, “Do you wanna dance?”  Before I get a chance to answer, he’s deftly pulling my drink from my hand and leading me where a mass of people are swaying and moving to the beat emitting from the speakers.

From the dance floor I notice that there’s an entire wall of nothing but glass and it’s looking towards the direction of Time Square, with the ball just in view.  Niall pulls me closer to him and I look up to notice that while I was enjoying the view, he was enjoying looking at me.  His eyes are bright as he runs them up and down my body, finally resting on my eyes as his hand gently presses into my hip.

We were surrounded by people writhing on the dance floor, lost in the euphoria of drink and music, and yet every time I look up, his eyes are locked on mine.  The longer we dance, the closer I seem to grow to him.  If you were to ask, I wouldn’t be able to tell you which one of us was moving closer to the other.  In all reality, it was mostly likely both of us just gradually inching towards each other.

It wasn’t limited to us growing nearer, either.  The closer I was to him, the more Niall’s hands roamed.  Initially, he had held my hip firmly and then let go so we would be free to move, but that didn’t last long.  His hands were on my hands, my arms, my sides, and then my hips.  They squeezed as we moved and when his eyes weren’t on mine, they were on my hips, watching the way swayed to the music.

It didn't take long for me to get brave myself, starting with moving my arms they way I had seen girls do it at the club (which was what had brought his hands to my sides to begin with. Then it was my hands against his shoulders, slowly trailing down to his chest, where I felt his muscles convulse under my touch. It was exhilarating, the way we were dancing together.  I was never one for what I can only describe as “dirty dancing,” like grinding and whatnot, but I felt like if Niall had initiated it, I would have done it with no problem.

As it was, I nearly froze in shock as his hands slid around to my lower back, his lips connecting with mine.  If they had just stayed there, I wouldn't have been surprised at all but they didn't. He widened his fingers until they were splayed across my bum. Every single nerve I possessed in my body lit up simultaneously. And when my eyes met his, I knew that Niall was feeling the same way.

 Niall’s POV

I don't think I've ever seen a more captivating woman in my life.

From the moment I saw her standing in my hotel room, I've been breathless and sporting a bulge in my pants that refused to go away.  Keni has the kind of beauty that men write songs about and she didn't even realize it.  Just the way she carries herself exudes… something I can't describe.

Some would call it confidence, but I'm not sure that's what I'd call it.  It's more of the fact she knows she lacks confidence, but she puts her head up and does it anyway.

But, God… she's beautiful, too. Even without that fire in her eye that says she cannot only survive anything, but thrive in it, she would be drop dead gorgeous.  She was always attractive to me, even when she answered my video chats at 7 in the morning, still in her pajamas and her hair a wreck.  Sometimes I looked at her when she was like that and wondered if she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

But tonight, looking at her in her dress… the way it clung to her, showing every curve on her body off while still leaving things to the imagination, did my head in.  If there were other people here, I had no clue. I couldn't take my eyes, my hands, my mind off of the way her hips swayed as she walked. The way she looked at me to gauge my response to things.  The way her hand gripped mine a little tighter than usual as we moved through the crowd, like she didn't want to separate from me for a moment.

That was fine. I didn't want her to, anyway.

If there was something better than looking at her, it was touching her.  Her skin was smooth against my fingertips and feeling her shift under the weight of my palms as we danced was enough to drive a man mad.  I wanted her back at the hotel, under me, writhing is I did sinfully pleasurable things to her.

I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but it was hard.  The only thing stopping me from pushing her against the sink in the bathroom was knowing that she was a virgin and deserved more than that from me.  It took a lot of mental gymnastics, but I was finally able to fight myself down to just touching her.  Not thinking about what we could be doing, but focusing on what I did have: the most beautiful girl in the room, dancing with me.

If I could go back in time and tell fifteen year old me that one day I’d be dancing with a girl that had every guy staring at her when she walked by, but also had the brains and the determination to back it all up, I wouldn’t believe me.  If I could tell nineteen year old me that one day all of the girls I had been with, as gorgeous as they were, as smart as they were, would pale in comparison to a quiet girl I met in a coffee shop in a small college town, I wouldn’t have believed me.

But here I was.

Every once in a while I caught her eyes straining towards the window, watching the crowd in the square and the ball towering over their heads.  “Did you watch it drop growing up?” I asked her.  She hummed, looking to me with her eyes widened in curiosity.  Louder, I repeated myself, “Did you used to stay up and watch it drop on television?”

Her smile faltered, the way it always does when I ask about her childhood and the memory is linked to something unpleasant, normally her shitstain parents.  “Not really, I caught it a few times, small glimpses.  I started when I moved out.  I’ve always wanted to watch it drop.”  She got a dreamy look on her face.  “I can’t believe I’m not only in New York City, but I’ll be able to watch it in person, even from a distance.”

Sometimes it blew my mind, the simplest things that seemed like such a gift to her.  Life changing experiences that I had stopped seeing as anything spectacular long ago.  “Let me go get our coats!” I yell to her.  She looks confused but it’s only the work of a few minutes to get through the crowd, find our coats, and make my way back to her.  “Let’s go out on the balcony!”

Outside, the noise drops away almost completely when I shut the door behind us.  It’s too cold for most of the other guests to make their way outside, they’re too busy having a good time where it’s warm.  Ken isn’t focusing on that, though.  She’s already across the balcony, soaking in the dull sounds from Time Square.  “Is it everything you thought it would be?” I find myself asking her, trailing behind her to the rail, leaning against the cold metal as I looked at her.

Never one to lie for anyone’s benefit, she replied, “No, it’s not.  I imagined I’d be down there, to be honest.  Wedged between people I barely knew.  It’s better than I could have hoped for, though.”

“Why’s that?” I ask, unsure of why my heart was suddenly racing a thousand miles a minute.

Her eyes, bright with the reflection of the city lights bouncing off of them, looked up at me.  “Because I’m actually here, and I’m here with you.”

My heart stops every time she says something like that.  I couldn’t be more into this girl if I tried.  I’d move mountains for her, and she wouldn’t even have to ask.  I already make allowances for her that I've never done for anybody, not even my family.  She's like a diamond, formed under immense pressure and hardship, but she came out strong, stronger than anyone I know.

“Do you like New York?” I asked her, as she turned her eyes back to the view.

She beamed, though she didn't look at me.  “Absolutely.  I don't think I could live here, of course, but it's amazing.”  She looked at me with wide eyes and said, “You don't want to live here, do you?”

I chuckled at how concerned she seemed.  “Of course not.  It's too crowded and busy all the time.  I prefer London and LA, to be honest.  LA is pretty bad sometimes but the weather’s nice and London has places to escape where you don't feel like you're dying from being surrounded by mountain sized buildings and six thousand people.”

“Good,” she breathed, turning away again.  

We talked as we watched the activity below us.  It so effortless holding conversations with her.  When she shivered, it was out of instinct that I stepped behind her, enfolding her in my arms as I nuzzled into her neck.  There was a rightness to the way she felt when I had her wrapped in my arms.

The commotion down at Time Square started getting louder. A quick check told me that we were getting close to the countdown to midnight. “Are you ready?” I asked her.  She nodded, not even sparing me a glance as she kept her eyes trained on the centerpiece of the celebration.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her, though.

In the background I could hear people counting, but all of my focus was on her.  If you had told me at this time last year that I would have a steady girlfriend to start out 2015 with, I would have called you nuts but here she was.

The night sky lit up as fireworks started going off and a cheer went up on the streets.  Kendra turned to me with a broad grin on her lips and I sunk my fingers into her waist, pulling her closer so I could press my lips against hers.  Her hands pressed against my chest and it made my heart race, even through my coat.

When I tried to pull away, she pressed harder against me, deepening the kiss as her tongue pushed into my mouth.  It was like something snapped into place and I knew that the chaos in my head and with my hormones wasn’t just my struggle-- she was feeling it, too.  I slipped my hands into her coat pocket, using my hold on them to anchor her in place as we kissed until she was breathless.

When we finally took a moment to separate, she was looking at me with eyes bright with wanting.  “Happy New Year,” she said, just loud enough for me to hear.

I pressed my lips against hers again before I replied, “Happiest one I’ve had so far.”  She chuckled, the warm air from her mouth brushing over the bit of skin exposed on my neck and I felt a tingle go up my spine.  I wanted to do unspeakable things right here on this balcony but a knowledge that any number of people could be watching and that we’d already been out in the cold too long made me pause.  “Do you want to go back to the hotel?” I asked her, trying to keep my tone even.  I didn’t want to pressure her, although I didn’t see how I could be misreading the look in her eyes and the way she kissed me just now.

Her lower lip found its way between her teeth in a way that near drove me crazy before she nodded and smiled coyly. “Yeah. Let's head back.”

My heart was damn near pounding out of my chest as we went inside and said our goodbyes to the host.  As I called for our bodyguards and car I kept reminding myself that it was possible that she didn't have any motives behind wanting to leave.  I wouldn't let myself be upset if this wasn't where she was headed.

The hand on my thigh in the car was almost too much to handle.  The extended time it took to get back due to traffic was torturous.  The reminder that this may not go very far was like a mantra in my mind until I closed the hotel door behind us.  I barely had time to turn around before her lips were crashing against mine.  Frantic fingers groped at my coat as we both went for each other’s buttons.  Any doubt I had about her intentions went out the window as she pushed my coat off my shoulders, onto the floor, and immediately moved to the buttons on my shirt.

My lips moved to Kendra’s neck as my hand slid to the zipper on her dress.  The moan that slid out of her throat as I dragged the zipper down had me bulging against my pants, harder than I’ve been in a long time.  I had her dress halfway off her shoulders when I paused.  At the end of the day I knew we weren’t going to have sex, I’d made that clear.  I needed to know I was in love with her first, and for the time being I just wasn’t sure.  Part of me felt like a monster, though, doing anything more than kissing and flirty touching.  I didn’t want her to think this was a repeat of the first time I tried to get her in my hotel room.

“Are you sure you want to…” I trailed off, looking into her eyes for any trace of her not liking where this is going.

Keni let out a small huff.  “I’ve told you for a while that this is fine, Niall.  I’d be fine with more but I know you want to wait.  Don’t think so hard about it, just enjoy it.  Please.”

I wanted to.  I really, really wanted to, but I want her to feel special.  Not like all of these trips and all of this attention is meant as a means to an end for getting in her pants, or in this case, up her skirt.  I want her to know that I’m worshipping her body right now, but that I adore her mind just as well.  I want to know for myself that this isn’t another dead-end relationship.

Even if it is, I don’t want to miss these opportunities to touch her, to please her.  Even if I don’t know if I’m in love with her, I do love her.  I’m not sure if it’s the right kind of love, but maybe it’s enough to convince myself that I’m not just using her…

“Hey,” a quiet voice said, breaking me from my thoughts as Keni’s fingers brushed against my chin.  “I said don’t think so hard about it.  I know this isn’t about you just getting off.  If it was just about that you would have tried a long time ago.  I want to do this, you want to do this.  It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.”

I felt a hand squeeze at the bulge in my pants and I swore, “Fuck, princess…”  Something glinted in her eye and before I got the chance to think about what it was, her lips were against mine in a renewed fervor.  I love her in some sort of way, and that was enough for now.

 Kendra’s POV

Something about him calling me princess set me off in a way nothing else ever has.  I whined when he slowed me down but his whispered, “I want to go slow.  I want to get to know your skin the way I’ve gotten to know your mind,” sent shivers down my spine.

I’ve never had a guy take his time to basically worship my body.  Niall was respectful in a way I never expected.  When my dress fell to the floor, his eyes brushed over my entire body in reverence but he didn’t go straight for unexplored territory. Instead, his hands were on my waist again as he kissed me languidly.

His palms on my bare skin were electric when they finally started tracing over my body as he kissed me, filling me with a fire I thought I wasn’t capable of having.  Sure, things had felt good before but they had never felt like this.  After I’d finally wrestled all of the buttons on his shirt undone, he led me carefully to the bed, laying me down softly.  The thing was, he didn’t make me feel breakable and like he felt like he needed to protect me, but like he was just determined to soak up every moment of this that he could.

Niall was hovering over me, kissing me as I slid my hands over every exposed piece of skin on him.  His hand started tracing, light as feathers, down my side until it stopped at my butt, cupping it gently as his mouth left mine and started a trail across my jaw and neck, down onto my chest.  He kissed around the edges of my bra and I was preparing for him to take it off, but he just moved down towards my stomach.

He let out a small chuckle at the sound of my huff of protest.  I could tell from the weight of him against my thigh that he was getting me right where he wanted me.  He drove me mad, taking his time and teasing me with things like a quick but firm grope on my breast before his hand wandered down to slide a thumb under the edge of my panties, only for it to not go any further, but I could tell that he couldn’t take the teasing much longer, either.  Niall was torturing himself as much as he was torturing me.

When my bra finally came off, I moaned louder than I care to admit and he took pity on me, pulling my nipple into his mouth with a look of pure bliss on his face.  I cried out his name as his hand slid to the bundle of nerves still under my panties.  “Princess,” he murmured against my skin.  “You’re so wet for me.”

Niall’s thumb slid into my panties again, but this time they kept going, pulling the now soaked cloth down my legs.  Now that I was naked, I was practically purring trying to get his hands back where I wanted them, but he was still, light in his eyes as he looked over my body with a sincere reverence.  I could never doubt that he felt like he’d just unwrapped a gift and got exactly what he’d always wanted.

“So beautiful,” he cooed just before he kissed me again.  I moaned and thrusted my hips into the air as his finger slid between my folds carefully.  He suppressed a groan of his own as he lowered his head back to my breast.  “More than I could have ever asked for, you are.”

And he spent the better part of an hour and a half showing me.  When his mouth ventured to the wetness between my legs, I felt sorry for our neighbors because these walls could have been four feet thick and they’d probably still hear me as I writhed, my fingers in his hair as he licked me to yet another finish.  We had to be chasing dawn by now, but neither of us seemed to notice or care.  I’ve never felt more awake in my life.

When Niall was finally satisfied that I was well spent, he crawled back up the bed to lay down next to me, his head resting on his hand as he used the other to brush through my hair.  “I like getting to know you,” he whispered and when I looked at him, I saw a smug grin on his face.  My brain started churning for ways to knock it off.

I ran a thumb over his jawline, his stubble scratching at my skin.  “I’m a bit of a fan of it myself,” I teased.

My face is being covered in kisses again as his fingers press into my sides, making me giggle.  “Just a bit?” Niall’s voice was deep and low in my ear, sending shivers down my spine.  “Is that really what ‘just a bit’ looks like?”

Quickly, so I could throw him off guard, I push Niall to the mattress and hover over him myself, my hair dangling between us like a curtain.  “I could show you what ‘just a bit’ feels like,” I offer as I kiss down his jaw.  He groans and shifts as my hand finds the length of him.  He tries to protest but my reminder that I want to get to know him as well as he knows me both silences him and leaves a fire in his eyes that I feel like is etched into my soul.

Master List

Chapter 18