#yleika

[artaehan]

[artaehan]

how will i ever know what love is if it weren't for you? you, the one who taught me, a scarred little girl who lives in chaos, how beautiful it is to love. to give love, even if it hurts; to give love, until it hurts.

how will i ever know what kindness is if it weren't for you? you, the one who taught me, despite my shortcomings as a person; despite the rough edges in me, to always be kind. to find and remain kind in every cruel situation. you showed me how to be kind and made me wear it like it's my favorite fluffy sweater.

how will i ever know what a colorful life is if it weren't for you? you, who made me realize that i was beyond just a canvas of black and white; that i could live the life i have always dreamed of.

taehyung, you made me a poet. or perhaps i have always been, however, if i did not love you this much, to the extent of waxing you poetry, i wouldn't have pages of greatness to go over. and so maybe sir paulo coelho was right; i loved you, still is, and will continue to, for the entire universe conspired to help me find you.

to the stars and moon and milky ways and black holes, who consumed and burned me down to hell, i have found the sole subject to my endless affection: my taehyung. my drive to live and love, and again and again and again.

taehyung, love, you are the universe that was knitted into my heart, to my skin, down to my bones and deep into my soul. you carved love in pieces of me that are broken beyond repair until they were just white scars. taehyung, your love healed me; you turned my soul to gold.

happiest birthday, my december miracle, my happiness preacher, my person, my taehyung. baliktarin man ang mundo, ikaw at ikaw lang ang pipiliin ko; ngayon, bukas, sa mga susunod na araw, lingoo, buwan, taon, at hanggang sa maubos ako.

[artaehan]

I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. It's as vast as the black hole and my tiny limbs cannot carry them. My human brain can't even process it, scrambling for words for there are none that come close to express how much I feel. Home. That is what you are to me and in my most exhausting days, I think of you— my comfort and security. You are my hope and every reason and each day, I find ways to love you more.

[artaehan]

And if reincarnation exists, no matter how many times it is, I would belong to you for all of them. Taehyung, I love you today and tomorrow and hereafter.

[artaehan]

Taehyung, love, don't think of anything else other than being happy. Enjoy New York. Take pretty pictures of every corner of the city and if you like, share them to us. Go to jazz bars and dance all night, meet new people you will probably never see again. Eat all the foods your eyes find delicious and just enjoy and forget all your worries. We're always behind you back, supporting you and you can always, always count on little tigers and bears to believe and trust you. I love you to the bones, my happy preacher.

[artaehan]

You will never know about how much I adore every fibers of your being, you will never know how much I love every versions of you, and you will probably never know how I want so much trade all my luxuries just to see even a glimp of you. Taehyung, love, you taught me a lot of things and that includes loving, be kind, to be warm, you taught me how to be gentle. Above all, you taught me that it's okay to feel extraordinary about someone��� you. Taehyung, love, you are my most beautiful someone. You may not know my existence but I will always, always thank the universe for being alive the same as you.

[artaehan]

When I was a child, I always get so excited and giggly because Christmas is near but as I get older, my excitement faded to emptiness and I celebrate Christmas with a gloomy heart and then I met Taehyung. I met Taehyung and I was given a chance to bring that excitement back when Christmas season is near. Love, today is December 1 and it only means one thing, your big day is coming! I wish you nothing but safety, happiness, success and love. May you feel all the love we give you, may the Gods and Goddesses gather around and talk about keeping you warm for the rest of the year. Happiest birth month, my prettiest snowflake. I love you so dearly, my Taehyung.

[artaehan]

love, at the tender age of fourteen, the universe saw me having a hard time, that's why they gave me an angel in the forms of you. i loved you the very first time i saw you, i couldn't even remember if it was because of your smile, or the sound of your voice, or is it your beauty? perhaps because you're funny? i couldn't remember but one thing is sure, you were the easiest person to love. it's so easy to fall for you– it was so easy to the extent of me carving your name in my heart, and in my bones, and in my soul.

love, at the age of sweet sixteen, where teens like me would forget anything and everything about our responsibility– inevitably, to enjoy life and i did exactly that and those responsibilities included you– although loving you were never a responsibility to me. love, at the age of sixteen, the universe decided to gave me one of their hardest obstacle. the universe is probably punishing me for my negligence to a lot of things and there you were, in my gallery– with a smile adorning your pretty face and an open arms, waiting for me to listen to you again. love, at the age of sixteen, the universe punished me but you were there for me.

love, at the age of nineteen, the universe saw me happy and so she thought, "this couldn't be" and decided hell is what i deserved. and maybe i do, deserved hell, but the universe completely forgot that they gave me you, my heaven in this dirty world called earth. my constant reminder that life isn't that hard living because a person named taehyung exists.

love, the universe is unfair but i will forever thank her for giving me comfort, love and serenity in you. taehyung, love, you are my most beautiful someone and i will do anything in my power to love and protect you. i want you to always remember that there are only three constant things in this world: the wind will blow, the sun will rise and i will forever love you.

love, do you want to know how does it feel to love you? peace. i am at peace since the day i started loving you. my life has always been a mess and know that loving you is the very first thing that felt right.

love, you are the sunset, and sunrise, and the little patter everytime the rain starts slow that i loved the most, and the salty breeze, and childhood full of laughters, and first love confession, and christmas mornings, and the first sip of coffee, and messy hair, and pretty eyes, and the smell of the book, and sleepless nights and take outs, and old love songs, and poetry, and sunday mornings, and cinnamon rolls. love, you are everything that's lovely.

taehyung, with my arms and legs stretched wide, i love you so much. i love you more than the word love, i love you more than the feeling of love and i love you and i love you and i love you and again, i love you.

happiest 27th birthday to the love of my life, remember that i am alive because i like living he time as you.

[artaehan]

Guys who loves to sing are dangerous, they'll send you voice mail of them singing your favorite songs. And when they ghost you, you'll forever loathe your anthem and their voice will forever echo in you.

Guys who loves to dance are dangerous, they'll teach you how to step back and forth, how to sway your hips, how to move like a pro and when they leave you? You will be just one of those Olympic dancers who hated dancing because they lost their greatest battle. You will regret learning and loving it once he's gone.

Guys who loves to paint is also dangerous. They will send you some of their masterpieces, tell a sad story about it, they will tell you how lost they were while painting the piece, they'll tell you how sad they were before.

Some of them will invite you to a Museum date, you'll fall for it-- everyone does and when he's tired showing you all of his masterpieces-- where he once called his scars, he'll leave. You will also hate the Museum, paintbrushes, canvases, and even the pencils.

Lastly... boys who are good at writing. I'm telling you, they are the most beautiful creation of God that I hoped, he never created. They will write literally pieces and tells you it's for you, metaphors and metaphors and metaphors-- until one day... you're not the subject of every poetry that he writes.

Until one of these days you'll see him singing the songs he once was singing to you and dancing with that girl the same steps you both were practicing when you were together. Until one day, he uses the same metaphors to the girl he said he'll never like.

Until one day your stomach will turn up side down just by hearing the words; stars, moons, galaxies, pixies, sunsets, sunrise and all those fucking terms he used to call you.

What i am tell you is, do not fall for boys who loves art. Do not fall for them.

-yleika

//photo from pinterest

[artaehan]

i did wish upon the stars that you and i met at my favorite coffee shop downtown, or at the seawall while I'm having my alone time looking at the beautiful sunset. I did wish to the thousand of stars above me that i should have met you in a nicer way-- soft and calming atmosphere.

Do you remember how it all started? We're both wasted and we rode the same bus, i was on my way home and God knows where the hell are you heading. Our shoulder brushed and electricity seeped through me, it was the liquor making its move but who cares. We ended up in your white sheets and we danced all night-- we have our own rhythm and anthem and we were both singing until the break of dawn.

It happened again and again and again and i lost count. And right now, I'm with my scratched paper and pen, writing all my feelings down. All the laughters we shared while we hid under the blanket, the laughters we shared while we were talking about your childhood. We accidentally created a momery that is bound to be buried anytime soon.

--- "an unfinished piece for someone who is forbidden"

yleika.

//pic from pinterest

[artaehan]

im afraid of walking... Asked me and I'll just shrug both of my shoulders. I keep my head down-- always, afraid our eyes might meet and unwanted ticklish feeling inside my stomach will bug me. I keep my eyes down, terrified of looking back to that one or more soul with malicious look. My hands are down, holding each other's palm, afraid of letting one go. I am also afraid of walking without earphones placed inside my ear, anxious of what i might hear.

Everytime i walk alone, there's this fright i keep on feeling, there's this feeling i cannot and probably won't shrug off me. i am afraid of walking alone in this world full of monstrous eyes and lips. I keep my head down to stop them from staring at my face. I keep my eyes down to stop myself looking back at those eyes full of malice straing at me and the way those lips lick and flick-- it disgusts the hell out of me. I always bring my earphones with me so that i couldn't hear what they say. "Hi nhe" "hi gha" "hi gwapa", it makes me want to vomit.

I am afraid of walking not because i am a spoiled brat who doesn't know what poverty or hardship in life feels like. I am afraid of walking not because i wanted to go home as fresh as other girls who picked up by their parents with their family car or by their service. I am afraid of walking because in every street that i will pass by, my confidence is losing, my face is numbing in so much embarrassment and my fright is going to it's maximum level that everytime i will sleep it haunts me.

yleika.

[artaehan]

i was asked by a friend, "he hurt you right? you should make him the subject of your next piece" she said and then took a sip of her coffee.

I smiled and let myself fall into the depths of my thoughts, she's right, i should make him the subject of my next piece.

But i also questioned myself, he inflicted thousands of pain to my already shattered soul and yet i couldn't even craft a prose for him? Weird.

Maybe because deep down me i don't want to share how he accepted my monstrous flaws and he claimed it as wonderful flaws. Maybe because, i don't want everyone to know how he melts my insides everytime he smiles and even his breathing is enough to swept me off my feet. Or maybe because i dont want to close our book, hoping that we could add a happy ending. I smiled at the thought because in the depths of my soul i know the real answers.

I did not immortalize him into poetry and prose because he hurt me so bad that i couldn't formulate sentences to discribe how painful it was or i couldn't scribble words because everytime i held unto my pen, tears stream down my face. I couldn't think of appropriate adjectives to describe the pain.

"i couldn't write you a poem because you're a dumbass"

yleika.

//photo from pinterest

[artaehan]

After I bid my goodbye, I thought everything will be fine. After burning your love letters and roses, and gifts, I thought I will be fine. After deleting your photos, your text messages, and the videos of you singing a song for me, I thought everything will be on its own places. I thought after I cried gallons of tears and blood, every wounds will heal. Or so I thought... because after everything that I have done, the scars are still here, the wounds are still bleeding and the pain is still ripping every fibers of my heart.

-yleika.

//pic from pinterest

[artaehan]

And maybe immortalizing you into words and metaphors isn't enough, into galaxy, moon, and stars, into the Greatest artists' masterpieces and underrated songs. Maybe it wasn't enough-- it wasn't enough that I dedicated to you my literary pieces, written in a crumpled piece of paper. Maybe sharing with you my favourite underrated songs wasn't enough for your soul not to find another playlist. I have brought you to every places where I put my heart and soul in, too, and you did not even praised its calmness-- instead you call it a mess, dark, and cold. Maybe, introducing you to everything that i could offer wasn't enough for you to love my soul just like how i adored every fiber of yours. Maybe it wasn't enough, but i know i gave enough, i have given everything that i could give but it's you who couldn't see the beauty in me--- at least that's what they say. Or maybe, you couldn't just accept my broken pieces, my fragile heart and my monstrous flaws. Or maybe i should stop asking where did i go wrong because to top it all, you left because you couldn't handle someone as broken as me.

"another piece for someone who doesn't appreciate my soul"

yleika.

//pic: he.art

[artaehan]

Alalahanin mo ako, sa bawat pag patak ng mga ulan na para bang ito'y aking mga luha.

Alalahanin mo ako sa bawat paghampas ng alon sa malalaking bato sa dalampasigan-- na para bang iyon ang tibok ng aking puso ng marinig ko ang mga nakakamatay na katagang nanggaling sa iyong makasalanang labi.

Alalahanin mo ako sa bawat pag hithit mo ng sigarilyong dahan-dahang pumapatay sa baga mo-- na para bang ako ito na nauubos hanggang sa maging upos.

Alalahanin mo ako sa bawat oras na titingala ka sa kalawakan, pagmasdan mong mabuti ang kislap ng mga tala-- isipin mong ako ang mga tala na ginutay-gutay hanggang sa pinakamaliit na piraso at namatay.

Alalahanin mo ako sa bawat paglubog ng araw, na para bang ako ito na nalugmok sa pinakaibaba ng sabihin mong hindi na ako ang sinisigaw ng dugong dumadaloy sa iyong mga ugat.

Alalahanin mo ako sa mga bagay na paborito ko-- na sya ring paborito mo.

Alalahanin mo ako sa lahat ng bagay na nakapaligid sa'yo, tila ba ako'y isang multo na sa bawat pag lingon mo ay naroon ako.

Huwag mong kalilimutan ang ating mga ala-ala, kung paanong tayo ay nagkakilala hanggang sa kung paano mo ako itapon sa empyernong aking kinalalagyan ngayon--

Alalahanin mo ako.

--- "at kung sakali man na ako'y iyong kalimutan, alalahanin mo."

yleika.

[artaehan]

I was scared.

That was the only adjective i could think to describe my feelings that time-- that I was scared to sumerge into that portal of your paradise. I was scared of those little demons tickling every fibers of my being, i was scared of those pair of sins looking at me-- only me.

yleika.