#yet if alden treats his kids how he does

[nejitenotp]

I can't decide if Della contributed to Alden's abuse or was just a bystander or maybe even an enabler

[famousinfamous]

ok that’s it I’ve seen so much Alden slander and Alden defenders and I’m about to pinch the next person who says ‘he’s a good parent’ or ‘he’s a horrible person’ like I swear. Look ok Alden sent not one but two of his children to the forbidden cities alone. It sounds like alvar was old enough that he’d be mostly ok but Fitz? He would stand in the same spot for one to two hours just watching some random girl and while so much of the fandom over exaggerates that making it sound like he’d be there for days or smth it’s still very dangerous especially for someone that young. In fact staying in the same spot is probably worse that moving around because that way no-one can tell if you’re being followed or watched. It’s still very dangerous and it’s a miracle he didn’t get kidnapped or smth. Secondly I think what literally everyone forgets is going to the forbidden cities is illegal, as in if you get caught you’ll probably be banished. And we’ve seen what the council does they’d probably have no qualms about banishing a 7 or 8 year old if they had years of incriminating evidence. What do you think would happen if Alden went to prison and Fitz got banished? Would Alden leave biana to start the search, because he knew how important it was? Would she agree not wanting to disappoint her father? Would she get caught to? Would the entire family be banished? Probably. Know you might be thinking after all that and countless other things that prove Alden is not responsible or even remotely well prepared for the position he’s in(that I will be making posts about by the way) why don’t I hate him? Because honestly, I get it. If you look at the way Alden puts his work before his family (whether that work is council provided or not) and the way he treats and raises his children almost as if he’s their mentor or teacher, rather than their father I think the answer becomes quite clear he doesn’t know how to raise a child or how to look after a family because he never wanted one. But before Fitz he was the golden child of the vacker family and everyone expected him to have kids and start a family and pass on his ‘pure genes’ as elves like to dub them. So he did. And now he has no idea what he’s doing. And I get that. Being shoved into a part you don’t want to play, that you don’t know how to play is so hard and it hurts when you see people getting hurt because of mistakes that you shouldn’t be making because you’re supposed to know what you’re doing but you don’t because people read you wrong and don’t understand that this isn’t what you were made for. And so to some it up: Alden was supposed to be the irresponsible yet cool single uncle who flies around in a private jet and tries to take you to see the titanic but your parents said no so he bought you a Lamborghini instead but society said no fuck you here have some meat sacks and handed him Alvar Fitz and Biana and now he doesn’t know how to un-fuck-them-up because god damn it Alden stop involving your children in illegal activities and treating them like your their your students or smth and everyone else could you stop shaming children for not reaching your ridiculously high expectations!

[gay-otlc]

Little Miss Perfect

Summary: Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward, straight girl

Straight hair is most beautiful. Straight A's are most successful. Straight forward is fastest. Straight girls are the most perfect. And if straight girls are the most perfect, and Biana is the most perfect, ae has to be straight. Ae doesn't get a choice.

Little miss perfect, that's me

Content warnings: Internalized homophobia, homophobia in general, cursing, mentions of abuse, mentions of eating disorders, lmk if I should add more.

Word count: 3143

(Read on AO3)

Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward Straight path, I don't cut corners

Biana Amberly Vacker is beautiful, and smart, but that's hardly a surprise. Even before ae was born, everyone knew ae would be beautiful, and smart. Ae's a Vacker, after all. Ae wakes up early to straighten aer hair and stays up late to study, so ae's tired all the time, but ae's gorgeous and ae's at the top of aer class, so does it really matter?

Ae takes life one day at a time, one step after another, because if ae slows down or turns around, everything ae's running away from might catch up with aer.

So ae doesn't do that. Biana keeps following the straight path and hopes the road ahead of aer doesn't wind too much. Make sure every step leads aer to perfection.

I make a point to be on time Head of the student council

Not only that, but Biana's on time for everything. Aer parents make sure of that, but ae probably would be even without their help- Biana likes to plan ahead. Or really, ae doesn't know for sure whether ae likes it, or if it makes ae feel trapped. But at least it saves aer the confusion and terror of an uncertain life. Whatever the reason, ae makes little notes in aer planner for all aer appointments.

And bigger notes in aer journal for the rest of aer life.

Make it through Foxfire.

Manifest an ability.

Get a respectable job.

Marry a respectable boy.

Have children.

Step four... doesn't seem so great, by which ae means downright nauseating, but that doesn't matter. What ae wants doesn't matter. And anyway, this will probably be what ae wants in the long run. Ae's just not old enough for boys yet. Plenty of time for that in the future.

Ae'll be on time for every step of aer perfect fucking life.

I don't black out at parties I jam to Paul McCartney

Biana doesn't break rules- mostly because ae's afraid of how aer father would punish aer. Either way, ae's never snuck out at night, never spent time with the classmates he said were beneath aer, never wore something he said showed too much skin, never ate more than ae was allowed to. Every single one of his rules, ae followed.

If that meant not going to Marella Redek's party because her mother was too "strange," even though everyone else was talking about how fun it would be, ae wouldn't go. Ae would just miss out. Fun.

Ae heard that at the parties, they played human music. What would that even sound like? Fitz knew- he got to go to the human world all the time, but Biana didn't. Still, after incessant begging, aer dad let aer listen to one song, by a human named Paul McCartney. It wasn't bad. Quite good, in comparison to elvin music. Still... ae wished ae could listen to more.

Of course, ae wouldn't. That would be disobeying aer dad. And ae didn't do that. She always had to be the perfect daughtaer.

If you ask me how I'm doing I'll say... Well, hmm

Lying wasn't good, of course. Ae shouldn't lie to people who asked how ae was doing.

But ae couldn't admit to being anything less than perfect.

So ae'd just mumble.

Perfect until proven otherwise.

I was adopted when I was two My parents spoiled me rotten

Okay, so Biana isn't actually adopted- but for years, ae thought ae had been. Always out of place in the perfect Vacker family, because everything comes so effortlessly to them, they're exactly what elvin society wants without any struggle at all. And ae... wasn't like that. Too loud, too argumentative, not quite ladylike enough. Not smart enough, ae needed to work harder. Not pretty enough.

Not interested in the right people.

But when ae learned to stay quiet, keep aer head down, and follow all the damn rules, aer parents seemed to like aer better. Well, Alden did. Della always appreciated aer, however quietly, slipping aer little pieces of mallowmelt behind Alden's back even when he told aer that ae had to be thinner. Whispering compliments into aer ears after Alden scolded aer so much his voice was hoarse from screaming and aers was hoarse from crying.

And when Alden was proud of aer, she would get everything ae wanted. All the pretty dresses. All the sparkles and sketchbooks and sewing kits. Trips to Atlantis or Eternalia. Anything ae wanted, to reward her for being Little Miss Perfect.

Often I ask myself, "What did I do?" To get as far as I've gotten

Some of the time- who the hell is ae kidding, it's most, if not all, of the time- Biana feels like... ae doesn't deserve aer last name, or aer popularity, or any of aer privileges in life. Mentors at Foxfire practically revere aer and aer peers bend over backwards to be liked by aer.

Ae is so fucking sick of it.

Why aer? Ae wants to scream the question at every single person who treats aer differently. Why is ae the one to get that treatment? Ae had never done anything important in aer whole fucking life, ae didn't do anything, and all this praise should go to someone far more perfect than aer.

A pretty girl walks by my locker My heart gives a flutter

Biana is, unfortunately, very well known at Foxfire, and ae thought ae knew everyone else too. But ae's never seen this girl before, because ae would know if they had. It would be impossible for past Biana to have seen this girl and not remember her.

She has dark skin, even darker than Biana's, and long dreadlocks pulled into a knot and streaked with blue. Biana thought ae was used to the beauty of elvin girls- they were all quite pretty- but this girl, holy shit, ae was not prepared to see this girl. Her flat nose and full pink lips and turquoise eyes are all so beautiful. Biana's heart pounds and flutters around her chest like it wants to fly out and meet this girl, and aer breath catches.

Maruca Chebota, as ae later learns, is perfection.

But I don't dare utter a word 'Cause that would be absurd behaviour For little miss perfect

The pretty girl continues walking, seemingly unaware that she's thrown Biana's world wobbling out of orbit. Biana wants to call out to her, to yell, to make sure she doesn't walk away and make it so that amazing high, those butterflies and awe and something ae can't even describe, seems almost like it never happened.

But there are a lot of people in the hallways, and they're already staring at aer far more intensely than what ae would describe as comfortable, ready to judge each and every thing she does. Running to catch up with a girl because she's pretty? Not normal. Not normal for any elf, but especially not aer.

Biana silently watches her turn around a corner into a different hallway and out of aer line of sight, wishing ae could have been a little less perfect. Just for one second.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na No, I can't risk falling off my throne

Dear Maruca,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you lately. I'm sorry I can't talk to you. You haven't done anything wrong, I promise.

It's just... you're dangerous. To my heart, my... my reputation. My throne.

That's not quite true. You're not dangerous to most people. You're just dangerous to me. Maybe you're fine, and I'm just too fragile. Too imperfect.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Love is something I don't even know

Dear Maruca,

What if we did love each other? Bravely. Boldly. Unapologetically.

What if I pretended it wouldn't topple me off my throne; or pretended I didn't care?

No. That's stupid. I shouldn't sacrifice all that for love.

This isn't even love, anyway. I don't know what love is, but you aren't it.

Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward Straight girl

Straight hair is most beautiful.

Straight A's are most successful.

Straight forward is fastest.

Straight girls are the most perfect.

Little miss perfect That's me

And if straight girls are the most perfect, and Biana is the most perfect, ae has to be straight.

Ae doesn't get a choice.

One night my friend stayed over We laughed, and drank and ordered

And straight girls would like Maruca, sure, but not in the way Biana does. Not in that all consuming, heart wrenching, feels like ae's floating and falling and spiraling all at once way. Just in a... a friend way. A normal way. Because the two of them would make perfect friends, and anything other than that would end in fiery disaster.

So Biana makes friends with Maruca. Friends. They talk about their Universe class, and play splotching together in PE (Maruca wins; Biana gets distracted by her braids), and horribly bake mallowmelt together. It burns.

Maruca is... fun. It's fun to be friends with Maruca. Ae invites her over to Everglen for a sleepover- Della is overjoyed that Biana is finally making friends- and they have a fun time. Playing games and talking about useless shit and going to go bother Fitz and his friend Keefe.

It doesn't need to be anything different, Biana tells aerself, again and again. It's perfect like this. It doesn't need to change.

Something about her drew me in What? It's totally platonic

Biana can't stop staring at Maruca.

She feels like gravity, a star, and ae feels like a planet. They work perfectly together, orbiting around and around and around. If Maruca smiles, Biana's mind races to solve the mystery of how exactly that smile would taste on aer lips. It tastes good, ae thinks, though that's a stupid thought.

"What are you thinking about?" Maruca asks. "You have this goofy smile on your face, and you didn't hear the story I just told."

Biana turns bright red. Of course, ae can't say I was thinking about your lips on mine, because that would sound... weird. Ae has to keep it platonic, because they'll never be anything other than platonic, and it's not like ae wants that either. Ae swallows, and finally says "You. I'm really glad we're friends."

Platonic friends. Perfect, platonic friends.

That night was so exciting Her smirks were so enticing

"Yeah, I'm an awesome friend," Maruca says, flicking one of her intricate braids. Biana's eyes linger on it a little too long.

Ae clears aer throat and quickly deflects the conversation, still blushing. "You are. Do you want to go downstairs? It smells like something's baking."

"I would be honored to go eat some of your mom's amazing desserts, m'laedy," says Maruca, extending a hand with mock formality. Her gorgeous lips are pulled into a smirk. Biana's breath catches; ae wants to freeze this mental image for eternity. Cautiously, ae takes Maruca's hand in aers.

Skin touching. Holding hands.

It's stupid, it's a cliche, but it does feel like sparks shoot across aer skin as Maruca wraps her fingers in Biana's and starts walking downstairs. Aer stomach flips around excitedly.

Then ae crashes and burns. They are friends. Both girls. Friends don't get this excited about holding other friends' hands. Biana rips aer hand away and stuffs it in aer pocket. Maruca looks a bit offended, but Biana clenches aer jaw and looks down.

It hurts, but ae has to be perfect. No exceptions.

Hours speed by like seconds Then, what happens is iconic

Once they get over the awkwardness of that moment, they slip right back into the fun they were having before. Della's ripplefluffs disappear quickly, and the two of them go back into Biana's room to keep talking. Biana shows Maruca aer sketches- ae hasn't really shown them to anyone before, Alden thinks a Vacker should have a more noble profession than designing fashion- and Maruca tells Biana that ae should dye aer hair.

Alden is going to kill aer, but for once, ae isn't thinking of that. Della would probably say yes, but the two of them decide it would be more fun to sneak out, so they light leap to Slurps And Burps as quietly as they can, in silent giggles the whole time. Maruca decides to re-dye the blue streaks in her hair, and Biana opts for violet. They go back to Biana's room and laugh more. Biana wildly thinks this is the most fun ae's ever had.

It's perfect, even if ae isn't.

She takes a sip, I bite my lip She tells a joke, I nearly choke

Aer stomach is sore from laughing, and ae still can't stop looking at Maruca. She's so pretty, something ae could stare at forever if ae had the chance. The longer ae looks, the more ae notices little details, like the way her braids fall against her shoulders, and how she has barely visible freckles splattered across her nose, and how her hand brushes against Biana's every so often. It's warm, and smooth, and perfect.

Maruca is a masterpiece of a person.

Currently, Biana's fascination lies in how her lips curl around the straw of her lushberry juice. It’s disgusting and wrong and so thrilling as Biana imagines kissing those lips.

No. Stop thinking about that, Biana commands aerself, biting aer own lip to draw aer attention away.

"Biana? Bi? You listening?"

Ae turns red. "Yeah, sorry!"

"Alright, so I was reading about cowboys, except I read it as cowgoys because it was really late, which implies the existence of Jewish cows. So then the thought 'Bar Moo-tzvah' came into my head and I can't stop thinking about it."

Biana snorts; the joke is funny enough on its own, but the cute little smile on Maruca's face and the way her eyes light up nearly make aer choke.

“Shut the fuck up, brain, let me be the perfect Vacker,” ae muters, too quietly for Maruca to hear.

She braids my hair, I sit there Blacking out for the first time

Maruca says Biana's newly violet hair looks beautiful- ae needs to fake a coughing fit to keep from squealing- and asks to braid it. Biana nods, and lets aerself get lost in the feeling of fingers weaving through aer hair and brushing against aer head.

Aer eyes close- ae doesn't know when, but the room around aer disappears and all ae can feel is fingers and this all encompassing, overwhelming love ae seems to be drowning in, blacking out everything else.

Next thing I know, I lose control I finally kiss her but oh no

Without making any conscious decision, Biana spins around, cups Maruca's face, and gently presses aer lips against hers. Their flat noses touch, eyelashes flutter against each other's cheeks, lips kissing. Kissing. It's fast, and sweet, and wonderful. Biana feels aer world aligning perfectly, like this is the way everything was meant to be, and there are fireworks shooting across aer skies.

Biana smiles against Maruca's lips.

I see a face in my window Then my brain starts to go

Everything happens at once.

Maruca yelps and pushes aer back. The door swings open, revealing a shocked Fitz. Fireworks vanish, as quickly as they came.

Biana's world shatters.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na No, you can't risk falling off your throne

Dear Maruca,

That kiss was amazing.

But it's too risky to do again.

I'm sorry.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Love is something you don't even know

Dear Maruca,

What do I know about kissing? It's not like I have anything to compare it too, besides that one time I kissed Keefe on the cheek because I thought I was supposed to. No, because I wanted to. Because I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him and I didn't want to kiss you.

I don't know what kissing is supposed to feel like. Or what love is supposed to feel like.

It'll be better with a boy. It has to be better with a boy.

I'll know love eventually, and it won't be with you.

You shouldn't love me either.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na You can't risk falling off your throne

Dear Maruca,

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you-

No.

I hate myself.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Love You don't even know

Dear Maruca,

Or maybe I love you.

I don't know.

I probably don't.

Because I can't love another girl, right? I have to be misunderstanding what love means if I think I can love a girl.

I don't know love. But it can't be you.

Rewind, induce amnesia Deny the truth, that's easier

Fitz tells her what to do- pretend like it never happened. That's what Alden told him when he kissed Keefe. Biana snorts humorlessly at that; two fucked up Vacker children. But ae follows his advice. Forget about it. Pretend it never happened. Never address it with Maruca; or speak to her again, really. Pretend, pretend, pretend.

Ae's been pretending aer whole life.

Life continues on, and ae pretends to be okay. Maruca makes friends with Stina, and Biana makes friends with the new girl. Sophie Foster. Sophie is nice enough, but she's not Maruca. She can't replace Maruca. No one can fucking replace Maruca, and no one should have to- ae just fucked up aer only chance with someone that wonderful. But ae pretends Sophie is enough, pretends ae's not heartbroken.

Pretends, pretends, pretends.

Pretends to be perfect.

You're just confused, believe her When she says there's nothing there

Biana talks to Maruca once.

They both apologize in the same breath.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened-"

"That was weird, I'm sorry-"

"I don't like you, I was just confused."

"So was I, kissing girls was just something I thought I'd try, a bit of a phase."

"No, totally, it's not like I really like girls or anything."

"Nah, that'd be weird."

They never speak again. There's nothing between them. Biana tries to believe what Maruca told aer. Ae doesn't.

“You're just confused,” ae repeats to aerself. “You're still perfect.”

It's never worth it When you're little miss perfect

Dear Maruca,

Maybe someone else can love you. Someone who doesn't have to be little miss perfect.

[maerambles]

Chapters 14, 15 and 16

Keeper of the Lost Cities - Shannon Messenger (October 2, 2012)

Yay! Another round of reviews.

Della released her from the stranglehold, and Sophie took a shaky breath. (Ch. 14, p. 113)

Dang, Della is STRONG.

Guardians? The title sounded cold and formal. (Ch. 14, p. 114)

Eh, not really.

“My family always wanted a house with a big backyard, so they could get a dog.” [Sophie] (Ch. 14, p. 115)

This is so sweet! I love that Sophie was granting some of her family’s wishes through the power of the elves. I do wonder how they managed to do this. I’m sure Sophie had other relatives, did they erase their memories too? I’m assuming yes, but I do wonder how they managed to relocate her parent’s job and Amy’s schooling and friends. Did they just wake up one day in a new house or did Alden show up in a suit and offered her parents a cheap (but nice) home that they just couldn’t turn down with well paying jobs across the country? Shannon, I want answers!

She still had regular nightmares about her brief hospital stays. (Ch. 14, p. 116)

This is so sad, I wonder how she was treated considering that the American hospital system is notably shit.

Sophie tried to jerk free, not sure if she liked what Biana was implying. (Ch. 14, p. 116)

He wasn’t even holding her hands? How would this be confused with anything more lol.

“You’ll see his crazy light show on the next total eclipse. It’s one of our biggest celebrations.” [Elwin about Orem Vacker] (Ch. 14, p. 118)

Do we get to meet Orem Vacker? I’m not that far in the series yet but I don’t remember him ever being mentioned.

Then he took the glasses off, and Sophie was relieved to see he wasn’t as stunningly perfect looking as the other elves she had met. (Ch. 14, p. 119)

I mean, I doubt it is possible for Sophie to find all the elves attractive, but it is nice that Elwin is at least more regular looking lol. Also how does Elwin being a flasher work with being a healer? Does the light he uses actually help heal her cells or does the medicine do that and he just uses the light to see her cell? Are flashers typically healers because of their ability? That is interesting.

“Like the fountain of youth?” [Sophie]

“I suppose that is where those legends come from,” he agreed. [Elwin] (Ch. 14, p. 120)

So the fountain of youth doesn’t actually exist, it’s just a myth?

“You’re a pretty brave kid.” [Elwin] (Ch. 14, p. 121)

Again, this would have given 12 y/o me a giant ego lol.

“I started reading minds in the hospital.” [Sophie] (Ch. 14, p. 122)

This must have been so traumatizing oh my god?

“It’s just... telepathy doesn’t kick in at that age. Something would have to trigger it.” [Fitz] (Ch. 14, p. 122)

It’s insane to me that Sophie is the youngest to manifest an ability at age 5 compared to Fitz’s 13. I wonder if this would have made her grow up quicker as understanding the thought’s of adults would force her to be exposed to things one normally at her age wouldn’t be exposed to.

She curled into a ball and cried for everything she’d lost. (Ch. 14, p. 124)

This is such a sad yet beautiful sentence.

He sat in an overstuffed armchair reading a book called Twenty-Five Ways to Catch the Wind. [Fitz] (Ch. 15, p. 125)

Adding this to my review because I love finding little things like this!! What an interesting book.

“Isn’t that the same dress you wore yesterday?” [Biana] (Ch. 15, p. 126)

[Lizzie MicGuire voice] “I may be an outfit repeater, but YOU ARE AN OUTFIT REMEMBERER!”

“Every species exist for a reason, and to allow one to die off would rob the planet of the unique beauty and qualities it provides.” (Ch. 15, p. 129)

I personally love this idea, but isn’t it logistically impossible because certain animals can’t live in our current environment because of the amount of changes that have occurred.

“It is now that he got the jaculus off her neck. It’s a winged serpent that feeds off blood.” (Ch. 15, p. 131)

Since almost every creature that has been mentioned so far is somewhat based on reality, I looked it up and the jaculi are a part of Greek Mythology! Very cool!

He was so unlike her chubby, balding dad she wasn’t sure how to relate. (Ch. 15, p. 132)

There’s nothing wrong with being chubby and bald, lol. It’s interesting how the elves are these perfect, ageless beings with beautiful features but what is the standard of beauty over there? There’s plenty of attractive bald and chubby men (or people), so I wonder what people in the lost cities must really look like. No bald people, no chubby/fat people, no one has acne... Do they all look the same? It’s not really helping that everyone has blue eyes, either, it actually feels like Shannon is trying to make this weird ideal world based on the “modern” and “European” standard of beauty that’s actually been outdated (as it should be!) for years.

Verdi was still watching her, and making she was crazy , but she could swear she was trying to thank her. (Ch. 15, p. 133)

Congrats to Sophie for adding to her long list of abilities: Being able to read the minds of animals even though other telepaths can’t! I think this is her sixth ability? (Telepathy, Telekinesis, Photographic Memory, Blocking, Ability to read ANYONE’S mind, and ability to read animal’s mind...) 

Mallowmelt turned out to be a gooey cake that tasted like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies soaked in ice cream and covered in frosting and butterscotch. (Ch. 15, p. 134)

[insert gif of girllookingthroughawindowdrooling.gif]

“If I know where something is, I can bring it here with my mind. It’s kind of late teleporting, but with objects.” [Edaline] (Ch. 15, p. 135)

This is so cool! I love Edaline already.

Alden fished a thin crystal square out of his pocket and handed it to Sophie. “This is an Imparter.” (Ch. 15, p. 136)

So, an Imparter is like a smart phone?

She even had her own bathroom , complete with a waterfall shower and a bathtub the size of a swimming pool. (Ch. 15, p. 137)

The description of her room is literally insane?? Does she need all that stuff? A bathtub that big?? I would have KILLED for a room like this my gosh.

She lived here now, in this strange, slightly too perfect world where everything she knew was wrong and all she had to show for the past twelve years of her life was a backpack stuffed with wrinkled clothes she’d never wear, an iPod she couldn’t charge, and a scrapbook full of memories that had been erased from everyone except her. (Ch. 15, p. 138)

This is just so... sad.

“No one is supposed to be able to read [cipher runes] them unless they’ve been taught the key.” [Grady]

“Why can I read it, then? [Sophie] (Ch. 16, p. 142)

Hello, ability #7 (technically).

“You can’t control how much talent you are born with. Why should you live a lesser life?” [Sophie]

“A city designed for their kind of work.” [Edaline] (Ch. 16, p. 143)

Sophie is 10000% right. Also why is “their” italicized? I thought the lost cities was some perfect Utopia but it sounds like it’s set up horribly. What if someone from the working class wanted to work a different job? Wouldn’t their life be miserable? 

(TW: War. I start talking about current events in this paragraph)

There’s so much generalization in this series. “All” gnomes enjoy working as “servants” because they choose to, “all” talentless elves enjoy working “lesser” jobs and wearing “lesser” clothing because they choose to. They didn’t choose jack shit, they were born into that life. Personally, I didn’t choose to be 5′3, if I did I would be like 5′9 because being tall sounds cool to me! This is written EXACTLY like a lot of totalitarian government propaganda that I have read about both in actual history and in other fictional books, and the fact that Sophie just sort of ignores it?? I get it she’s twelve and so are a lot of readers, but this is such an alarming thing to teach?? Hell, not to get into recent events, but there’s so much propaganda going on in the Russia/Ukraine war that I can’t help but be reminded of the whole “the people of Ukraine actually want to become a part of Russia again” (A lie, majority of Ukrainians want to become members of the EU and NATO) which is the basis on Putin invading the Ukraine. (Johnny does a MUCH better job explaining the situation, so if you’re interested in what’s going on in Russia/Ukraine conflict, watch his video!)

I feel weird comparing it to something that is so real and recent, but it’s what my mind went to. Also Edaline, a trusted adult in the series, said that?? No, not Fintan, the villian, but Sophie’s GOOD GUARDIAN said that... what?

“Sophie, this is my brother-in-law, Kesler, and my nephew Dex.” (Ch. 16, p. 146)

Random, but I wonder how old these elves are?? Was there a baby boom around the time Sophie was born and that’s why there’s so many 12-ish year olds around these elves that are like 10 billion years old?

“I know it was you, you stupid sasquatch!” Stina screamed. (Ch. 16, p. 148)

Are sasquatches canon creatures in this world?? Cool.

“If I can’t, wear a hat.” [Kesler to Stina] (Ch. 16, p. 149)

I’m sure they have wigs in the lost cities? Also, did anyone else find the argument between Kesler and Vika extremely juvenile?? Not saying grown adults can’t act juvenile, but it felt very strange to be introduced to these two adults like that.

“She’s just evil,” he said as he ground black leaves with a mortar and pestle. (Ch. 16, p. 150)

I kind of wish we had an actual explanation because I’d love to meet an actual likeable female kid character because so far both Biana and Stina have been mean to Sophie... 

“That means your concentration is at ten percent. Everyone your age is at least thirty percent by now.” [Grady]

Yeah, and they’d been light leaping their whole lives - but she chose not to point that out. (Ch. 16, p. 151)

You should have said it Sophie lol.

Sophie’s eyes stung as she glanced at the picture. Her dad and sister waved at the camera while she hid in the background building a sand castle. “Yeah. That was last summer.” (Ch. 16, p. 152)

Side note, but I would have loved more scenes with Sophie and her family. As a reader, it’s hard to miss them when we have little information.

“We’re at Disneyland.” [Sophie]

His head snapped up. “I have my own land?” [Dex]

“What?”

“My last name is Dizznee.” (Ch. 16, p. 153)

Did Shannon manifest KOTLC to be picked up by Disney lol?

“Are you wearing fairy wings?” [Dex] (Ch. 16, p. 153)

How does Dex know what fairies are? Are they a thing in the lost cities?

“Hey, this is one of those music things,” he said, picking up her iPod.

“Yea. How do you know?”

“My mom’s into human movies.” (Ch. 16, p. 154)

How did Juline acquire human movies? Is that even a thing? Considering how strict the council is, I doubt they would approve this. I’ve noticed I’ve asked a lot of questions recently but I just have so many lol.

“Elves aren’t really musical -not like dwarves.” (Ch. 16, p. 154)

Interesting. I genuinely wonder why that is.

End of the next few chapters! 150 pages in, I feel pretty proud of myself.

[corellianangel]

Fan Review: Solo: A Star Wars Story

May contain minor/some spoilers after the cut.

I suspect that Solo: A Star Wars Story might be a bit like its title character. A bit rough at the start, maybe shady, pretty good-looking, and definitely out to get your money. But, as it goes on, it becomes more and more apparent how good and truly nostalgic and lovable it is.

This is a film that “nobody wanted.” Which means...what? I wanted it. When I saw Star Wars ANH, I wanted to know all about that cool Solo guy. And finally, 41 years later, I got my wish. And yeah… I’m mostly happy. After Last Jedi, I was pretty much done with the franchise, so it’s not like I went in with high hopes.

Solo is a relatively low stakes reprieve from the “we must save the world/galaxy/universe” all-or-nothing epic trope that has plagued us for the last few years. This is an adventure, a coming of age, and a western heist. Stakes are high, but only for the characters you are relating with onscreen, making it a curious addition to this year’s blockbusters.

Make no mistake; This is a love-letter to original trilogy Star Wars fans. It’s Han Solo in an Indiana Jones style adventure ( and what could be more fun than that).

4 out of 5 stars.

The first minute of Solo is exactly how a movie about the titular character should begin. But then it immediately lags, then even more so under ill-paced exposition. As soon Han goes solo though, it gains momentum. Then a short few minutes later as Woody Harrelson appears, things get rolling outright.

Alden Ehrenreich takes a bit of time to slide into Han’s scuffed boots, both onscreen and in our fan hearts. But when he does, it works wonderfully. He’s not the sexy gruff cynic Harrison Ford portrayed. No, he’s a “Kid,” who's got dreams. He’s a romantic. He’s wide-eyed, immature, and even petulant at times. But like Harrison’s portrayal, he’s arrogant, talented, goofy, jealous, easily embarrassed and will gladly spin a terrible lie. And oh yes… he can turn it on. Not at first, no… that’s really awkward ( more on that with Emilia). He’s not Harrison Ford by a long shot, but when given the chance later in the film, he makes a scene his own, and it’s HOT.

Unfortunately though, Alden is easily five inches shorter than 6’ 1” Harrison. And it’s glaringly obvious (especially to me, as I am quite a tall person). Sadly, Alden’s 1” platform 2”+ heel boots can only add so much. Otherwise, I’m satisfied with his portrayal. Alden’s a great actor, he had huge boots to fill, and I think he’s really been treated unfairly by the fans. Give the kid a chance, he might win you over.

Donald Glover IS Lando Calrissian though.  He’s sexy, sauve and even a bit silly ( in all the right ways… make no mistake).  I daresay Mr.Glover has taken Billy Dee William’s place in my heart as the epitome of Lando. Whether he’s coming on to Han, or Qi’ra or some unspecified alien species, he’s a pansexual on the level of Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones. An arrogant playboy badass, who loves all the finest things. He is willing to enjoy everything life has to offer, and why not? It’s hard not to love him as a result. Lando movie, anyone?

Tobias Beckett is everything Han wants to be. Beckett is also in love with fellow crook Val, and his attachment to her is cemented firmly in a couple of scenes, which unlike the Han/Qi’ra scenes–have great chemistry. And Woody Harrelson’s portrayal of yet another grizzled mentor is stunning. I found him much more appealing than Harrelson’s equivalent character from Hunger Games. Though the mantel is starting to wear. Don’t get me wrong. I adore Woody Harrelson. His being in this film gave me a reason to think I might just like it. I’m just not sure I want to see him as yet another badass mentor after this.

When Thandie Newton appeared in Beloved back in 1998, I was an instant fan. I’d seen her before in a few other flicks, but she blew that one out of the water as the title character. Since then she had worked steadily in a number of critically acclaimed roles. I was absolutely thrilled to see her in this as Val. And utterly heartbroken that she was totally underused. When Val is onscreen, she overshadows everyone else, even Beckett. It’s a shame we don’t see more of her than we do. Boo!

Emilia Clarke as Qi’ra…Hmm.  She’s cute, charming, and tries her hand at swordplay here. But honestly, the Queen of Dragons is a poor fit. The original casting call was for anything other than yet another white brunette. And with amazing ladies like Tessa Thompson in the running, why oh why did we end up with Emilia? If not racism (God, I hope not); Ang’s answer: Think $$$, from Game of Thrones fans in theatre seats. I can think of no other reason. Her chemistry with Alden is tepid at best ( and any of that comes much, much later). I feel bad for Emilia here. I think she was miscast, and that tarnish will always stay with the fans. ( P.s. : the three adult heterosexual males I watched the movie with, were over-the-moon smitten with her. To each his own. I guess…)

On to the non-humans...

Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca is physically brilliant. He’s stolen my heart as Chewie from the lovely Peter Mayhew (sorry Pete) over the last three movies. But honestly, we discover nothing new about Chewbacca in this. Zero. It’s rather unfortunate. I wish I could say more. But we learn more about Chewie in episode three than this. A missed opportunity. Sorry Chewie. For some reason Disney put your character in the doghouse here.

L3-37 is another definite weak spot in Solo. We have a snarky female droid (yay!) as a droid-rights advocate (cool!).  But it’s so completely overwrought. Only Lando’s constant eye rolls save this character from being as ridiculous as Jar Jar Binks. Which is another shame, because I felt she fills in the current canon equivalent of Lando’s copilot droid Vuffi Raa, from the EU/Legends novels from waaay back in the 1980’s, (interestingly they are both pilots, are both self-aware droids and have vaguely parallel fates) Some editing issues arise as far as L3′s character is concerned too. She’ll be leaning, casually watching,  while droids are being slaughtered in front of her, but only interferes with other robots later in the same scene? Why?? Were the first dead droids not good enough for her to save? It’s inconsistent, poor editing; and that really hurts the character. Sorry Phoebe Waller-Bridge, you did great job with what you had. I’m not sure that the script/editing was as good as you deserved.

The spaceship the Millennium Falcon is 100% a full character in this too. Without giving too much away, she represents her pilots as they sit at the helm. She’s treated with more respect - reverence even -  in this, than any other film. And I can say this is her movie as much as it is Han’s. Millennium Falcon fans, you are in for a treat!

And the bad guys...or one guy anyways....

Paul Bettany is chilling and utterly convincing as the gangster Dryden Vos. He also has much better chemistry with Qi’ra than Han.  I’m fairly certain this is mainly due to Paul’s astonishing acting ability.  He first came to my attention as the title character in the darkly funny UK crime film Gangster No.1. I was floored by him then and he’s still blowing me away, even as the rather challenging character Vision in the MCU. Bettany does not disappoint in Solo either. He took over this role with zero preparation, with the weight of replacing another respected actor at the last minute in an extremely troubled production. And the optics of having a white European actor taking over from an African-american are...ermm...not the best. He pulls it off, though. But I can’t help but wonder what Michael K Williams would have brought to the role. Vos is a soulless psychopath under Bettany, not unlike his character in Gangster No.1.  Would Williams have brought the tragic–almost romantic deep spirit and inner strength he brought to his gangster Chalky White in Boardwalk Empire to Vos instead? It’s rather sad we will never know.

I don’t think I can say much else about the other antagonist(s) without spoiling a bunch. But let’s just say...wow! Well done! Surprises and fan service all around!

There is something missing here too. We never see Han as an imperial pilot. Nor the promised Shakespeare-inspired comedic comic book characters that Ron Howard teased last fall.  These gems may be reserved for DVD releases, but I feel Han’s missing academy stint is definitely a gap in this story. And the movie lacks because of it.

Importantly, I do recommend seeing this in IMAX 2D as it is a very dark and muted film.

The usual amazing, special effects, costumes and sets we’ve come to expect from the Star Wars film franchise are all present here.  The styling is different from the previous films, as it takes place about halfway between Episode Three and Rogue One.  It’s neat to see the evolution of the Empire’s gear. 

And the easter eggs are everywhere; prequels, Rebels, Clone Wars, Star Tours ( the Disney Park ride), the comic books from the 1970′s and 80′s, the EU/Legends Han Solo novels by Brian Daley, the Lando Calrissian novels from the same era are especially referenced numerous times. Even the Indiana Jones franchise gets a significantly placed nod.

To say the least, the fan-service is strong with this one.

But not the Force. Not at all. None of that simple tricks and nonsense here at all.

Because I’m a pretty hard-core fan, I pre-bought two showings on initial release. The first time I saw Solo, I was unsure if I actually liked it, but it seemed to be a decent film.  The second viewing ( the same night) was an absolute joy. Times three and four were with different groups of adults, and they all had a blast. Five was with a group of 13 year old girls, and they all enjoyed it too.

So let’s call my rating of Solo then, 4 out of 5 stars. 

Honestly I don’t get the backlash against it.  Don’t take your Last Jedi hate out on this. It’s a fun ride with decent jokes and no space-boob-milk monsters—honest!

And if you think Solo offers nothing different, new, or imaginative. You are 99% correct...Remember, we got that full package of “different and innovative” in Last Jedi. If that’s your schtick, watch that one instead then.

Oh, and one more thing- that 1%?... two words:

Shower scene.

[dweemeister]

NOTE: The following contains full spoilers.

Solo (2018)

Officially entitled Solo: A Star Wars Story, Solo is the second Star Wars anthology film to be released by the Walt Disney Company after their acquisition of Lucasfilm. It is an origin story for the character of Han Solo – who has been played by Harrison Ford until now. The Star Wars franchise is increasingly being treated like the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) with its release dates planned years in advance, short and rigid production schedules for astronomically-budgeted movies, the studio’s growing dependence on these franchise films for profits at the expense of smaller projects, and the interconnectedness with other corners of the franchise. Yet I admit a bias: Star Wars – and Solo, by extension – has already proven its cinematic legacy (which is mostly distinct from popularity); I predict the verdict on the MCU will be quite unkind in several decades. Thus, I can tolerate the frequency of Star Wars films for now. But my patience here is not unconditional.

A rollicking space Western adventure picture, Solo is not without sizeable weaknesses – potentially exacerbated by the fact that the last Star Wars film was released less than a half-year ago and that Ron Howard had to replace co-directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (the Jump Street series, 2014′s The Lego Movie) late into principal photography. Lord and Miller were dismissed by producer Kathleen Kennedy (president of Lucasfilm and co-founder of Amblin Entertainment) after creative differences with co-writer Lawrence Kasdan (1980′s The Empire Strikes Back, 2015′s The Force Awakens). Hiring the capable Howard steadies the film, even if it means this is the one Star Wars film that takes the least amount of artistic risk.

Beginning thirteen years before the events of Star Wars (1977), Han (Alden Ehrenreich; who plays the role with some youthful hesitation appropriate to this version of the character) and lover Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) are attempting to escape their home planet of Corellia. They are separated in their escape attempt, and he promises to find her again by joining the Imperial Navy. Three years later, Han has been expelled from the Imperial Flight Academy and find himself an infantry grunt. Here, he befriends the Wookiee Chewbacca (Joonas Suotamo) encounters a band of criminals posing as Imperial soldiers who are interested in a shipment of coaxium (a substance that enables faster-than-light travel): leader Tobias Beckett (Woody Harrelson), his partner Val (Thandie Newton), and Rio Durant (voiced by Jon Favreau). Fleeing from the Imperial Army, Beckett’s gang attempts a train heist, only to be fatally thwarted by another criminal gang – the Cloud Riders, led by Enfys Nest (Erin Kellyman). Afterwards, Han and Chewie will follow Beckett to see Dryden Vos (Paul Bettany) – who masterminded the operation. Vos requests another heist, but not before Han reunites with Qi’ra, who has become Vos’ assistant.

There is also the matter of charmer/pilot/smuggler/cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater Lando Calrissian (Donald Glover), his droid L3-37 (Phoebe Waller-Bridge), and a piece of garbage christened the Millennium Falcon. After nineteen years since The Phantom Menace, Ray Park returns as Darth Maul with Sam Witwer (reprising from Dave Filoni’s two animated Star Wars television series) voicing the character in a late MCU-esque cameo.

The screenplay is co-authored by Lawrence Kasdan and his son, Jonathan (2007′s In the Land of Women, 2012′s The First Time). Before Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm, the Kasdans had been working with George Lucas on a young Han Solo film since at least 2012. Lawrence had to depart early to finish the script to The Force Awakens, and it is unknown how much of Lucas’ influence is in the final product. Nevertheless, Solo is a movie that is running through a checklist of references it must include. That pair of dice Han Solo keeps on the Millennium Falcon? Yup. Befriending Chewbacca and establishing a complicated relationship with Lando? Of course. Explaining Lando’s fashion sense that would make him a bête noire to Edna Mode?  Fashionistas rejoice! The Kessel Run? Oh yes – if the Imagineers at the Disney parks ever decide to include the Kessel Run as a Star Tours option, prepare for the most whiplash-inducing amusement park ride ever! It is the moments in between these scenes – scenes with characters we are less familiar with – that leave the greatest impressions.

Of interest is scene-stealer Tobias Beckett (Harrelson has played roles like this for ages now, and he might give the best performance other than Glover here), who is to Han as Obi-Wan was to Luke Skywalker. For literary types, imagine Long John Silver from Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island if Long John Silver treated Jim Hawkins more like an adult. Beckett has lived his life looking out for himself, disallowing himself to put complete trust (and, as a result, love) in anyone – including his partner, Val. There are layers upon layers to his personality, to whatever Beckett might show up on a given day to an employer or client. He is not cynical for the sake of being cynical; the least interesting people in the world are cynical for the sake of being cynical. Circumstance and horrible luck has made him the way he is, as he passes along the lessons he has learned to a young kid who is walking down the same hard-nosed path he has chosen.

Compared to most other popular Western media franchises, Star Wars has handled major character deaths with sensitivity – in peace or through trauma, death is shown as disruptive, eventually strengthening, to the consciences of the living. Solo may be the first film in the franchise that does not adhere to any of that. Death is a regular part of life to these outlaws and the deaths of Rio, Val, and L3-37 in the opening and middle third of the film registers no impact. Perhaps their deaths are shocking to some, but we have not learned enough about these characters (even if they were established in other Star Wars media, these moments will not have worked for a general audience) to care. I cannot decide if Val or L3 has the most mishandled death. Where the former’s death should cut Beckett to emotional pieces, it is but a momentary setback to him and the film refuses to more fully explore why his reaction is as cold as it is (trust is a part of love). For the outspoken L3 (and love interest to the recently-established pansexual Lando Calrissian), she has raised points about droid enslavement that Star Wars rarely acknowledges. Her beliefs are treated like miscalculated comedy, with only the droids in the movie taking her seriously. When Lando weeps over L3, the comedic framing of his beloved droid renders the scene either uncomfortable or unintentionally funny. Deaths of major characters should not be funny nor should they leave audiences perhaps even without sympathy. Following Snoke’s shocking, almost decontextualized killing by Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi and the numerous deaths in Solo, Star Wars is in danger of cheapening the value of life. To do so profanes cinema.

Inconsistent performances plague Solo. Ehrenreich, who looks nothing like Harrison Ford nor acts anything like him, is fine in the role – to imitate Ford’s take on the character would only set himself up for failure. The performance is his, although his vocal inflections are too distracting to forgive. Emilia Clarke is no disaster, but her failing performance is scattered. She is unconvincing in the many roles the screenplay is calling her to be: femme fatale in space, lover, ruthless killer, backstabber. Clarke herself claims that she was confused on set because of Lord and Miller’s ineptitude as directors. As that cannot be independently verified, all I can say for now is that Clarke should sack her agent and find some smaller-budget movies to work on. Seriously. Paul Bettany, as Vos, may be the first Star Wars villain that I forgot about hours after seeing the movie. Donald Glover is not in the film long enough to save it from mediocrity (and his Lando is, like Billy Dee Williams’, too reactive a character because of the screenplay), but from what he is able to do his comedic timing and charm is exactly what Solo needs. Glover’s starpower has progressed rapidly in the last several years, and one suspects he is not slowing down soon.

Earlier I mentioned Solo’s lack of artistic risk. Much of that conservative filmmaking comes from not only from Ron Howard, whatever Phil Lord and Christopher Miller contributions remained in the film, the Kasdans, and Kathleen Kennedy, but cinematographer Bradford Young (2014′s Selma, 2016′s Arrival) and editor Pietro Scalia (2000′s Gladiator, 2015′s The Martian). Young’s camera moves too much in quieter moments and he uses close-ups and medium-close shots to excess in both interior and exterior environments – this is Star Wars and this is Bob Iger’s money you are using, so embrace the darn landscapes you are blessed with. Solo feels drained of color and the cameras seem to have brown or black-ish filters applied at the brightest moments, making it the least interesting film in the franchise to look at. For Scalia, the transition from Han and Qi’ra’s separation to trench warfare is baffling. Did the film projectionist make a mistake and put in a reel of an All Quiet on the Western Front (1930) remake with laser guns? Equally poor is Scalia’s handling of Han’s confrontation with Vos and the aftermath. Only twice does Scalia prove himself: the train heist (Young’s most glorious moments) and the Kessel Run (itself a visual effects wonder... now if only Young could stop it with all the close-ups).

John Williams provided the main theme for Han Solo (which contains a noble fanfare dueling with syncopations suggesting his criminal side), but it is Englishman John Powell (his stupendous How to Train Your Dragon scores are some of the best compositions of this decade), who scores the film with a ninety-eight-member orchestra assembled at London’s Abbey Road Studios. Powell will use Williams’ theme quite often, but will add a liberal amount of percussion (an aspect of film scoring from the mid-2000s onward I am not a fan of, but that I accept given this unpolished origin story far from the operatic orchestras of the main Star Wars saga) from the opening moments, setting all this up with “Meet Han”. The score truly shines during the action sequences. “Train Heist” begins during a campfire scene as Han, Chewbacca, and Beckett’s gang reminisce about past adventures and imagine their futures, accompanied by lush string and wind melodies. By 1:30 in the cue, the scene has cut to the heist itself. The percussion sounds like something out of Hans Zimmer’s Remote Control Productions, but the orchestration keeps the action closer to the John Williams tradition. This scene makes way for the Cloud Riders’ arrival – heralded by “Marauders Arrive”. This motif features a thirty-six-voice Bulgarian women’s choir, and according to John Powell, they contributed, “an aggressive, exotic sound... to feel like a different culture had arrived on the scene.” That effect is accomplished wonderfully.

The Kessel Run scene is strengthened by “Reminiscence Therapy”. Despite initial listens, the cue is more than just a regurgitation of two disparate moments from the fourth and fifth episodes. The grinding strings, the pounding percussion, and the occasional rhythmic anarchy that would give anything less than a tested, played-it-all orchestra night terrors combine to throttle the Kessel Run into one of the most exhilarating space pursuits seen in cinema. My second-favorite moment in the score occurs at 2:55 when Chewbacca’s theme is heard as he takes the pilot’s seat of the Millennium Falcon for the first time and, twenty seconds later, Powell transitions to the most shameless quotations of Williams’ Star Wars theme.

Many motifs other than Han’s theme are present throughout the score, including the Han-Qi’ra love theme – most notably in “Lando’s Closet” and “The Good Guy”. Though their romance, like Anakin and Padme’s, might not be convincing, they receive a hell of a motif. Using some chord progressions hinting at the Han-Leia theme (because Han will fall in love again), the theme begins with woodwinds or brass immediately repeated by the strings, and in later iterations (as they realize their romance cannot continue) taken by solo trumpet and harp. Perhaps for many this following statement will not mean much, but permit this classic film buff to wax even more about Powell’s score. The love theme in Solo feels like something Erich Wolfgang Korngold (who scored many 1930s-1940s Warner Bros. swashbucklers featuring Errol Flynn) would have written had he lived to score Star Wars. Korngold may have been an exciting action composer, but his love themes are also stuff of legend – listen to this from The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938). For Powell, he has composed the best film score of the year so far. Star Wars’ tradition of musical mastery continues.

With eighty percent of the film reshot after the dismissal of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, Solo is as good as can be expected from such a tortured production history. Adjusted for inflation, the vast amount of reshoots has made it the second-most expensive Star Wars film of all time (behind The Force Awakens) – tied with Wild Wild West (1999) and The Fate of the Furious (2017), and just ahead of the infamous Cleopatra (1963). Where Cleopatra nearly bankrupted 20th Century Fox, something tells me Disney will survive Solo (which has especially tanked in Asian markets where Star Wars is less ingrained into cinematic culture and is disappointing in North America as this review is being written).

Call me a traditionalist (in many ways, I am), but Star Wars movies are cinematic events – nothing else can attract the genuine attention of those who breathe cinema (supposedly, they hate having a good time at the movies) and those who want to go see the movies they want to see (supposedly, they are ignorant of what is good cinema). Solo – in its flawed construction and its ultimate function in the Star Wars franchise – does not feel like an event. It is a fun romp through space that introduces new characters and enriches older ones, but little else. An eighteen-month wait for the ninth episode in the main saga does not seem that long at all anymore.

My rating: 6/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found here.