#yet again I find myself incapable of writing normal lengths of text about my silly little gay shows

[wen-kexing-apologist]

The Language of Love in La Pluie Ep. 8

Alright internet, my Pride events have ended, and I have returned home, so though I am a day late and a dollar short, you know what time it is….

Alright so I want to get a couple of smaller details out of the way first, as an appetizer before we get into the meaty parts of the episode. 

Gif from @ueasking

I counted and Bow and Kung hold hands in three separate scenes and that is enough evidence for me that they have fucked nasty. Moving on. 

There were two micromovements that I really appreciated in this episode, one from Lomfon and one from Patts. Unfortunately I will be bringing them to you in the form of screenshots because we *still* need people to be getting louder and gayer about this show and I am seeing a grossly low number of gifs for a show this fucking good. 

We know that Lomfon is interested in Tai, from the keychain he has, to the way that he immediately started questioning Tai’s connection to Patts vis a vis the soulmate thing, and those feelings Lomfon is still hung up on manifest in these very small ways. Namely, that Tai says he is bringing lunch to Patts and Lomfon’s head whips up

He looks a bit sad, and then he turns his head away so that he isn’t being obvious about this quiet devastation he has every time that he hears Tai talk about Patts. Because even though this show is clearly setting the stage of Lomfon and Tien to get together, London really needs to see that Tai understands that the hearing loss may not actually make you hear your “soulmate” and that Tai and Patts chose each other anyway, before he can truly allow himself to move on. 

By the by, one thing I am curious about with Lomfon is if now that he has heard Tai and Patts when it rained, if he will start changing his own mindset about soulmates. Kind of like a switcheroo, you know? Tai believes in soulmates so strongly that the divorce of his parents shook him to his core because it went his core belief that the hearing loss connects you to your soulmate, and he has learned throughout the course of this story and throughout the course of navigating his relationship to and with Patts that he cares less about whether or not the hearing loss connects to your soulmate, and more about the feelings he has for Patts. Lomfon believes so strongly that soulmates don’t exist because he has a crush on Tai, if he can now hear Tai, will he start believing that actually soulmates do exist and he and Tai are meant to be together, or will it further solidify his belief that soulmates don’t exist and he and Tai are meant to be together. Either way, he’s spent a total of like 1 minute of screen time with Tai so we know how this is gonna go, and it will not be pretty for Lomfon if he doesn’t wake up to his feelings for Tien soon. 

Ok, second micromovement is with Patts, who takes a microscopic step back when Nara tries to hand him the Bento Box

He wants to be fed by Tai, (or more accurately wants to eat Tai but I think we’ll be getting to that in Episode 9). Patts sees Nara and immediately knows why she is here. 

And what I love about Patts is that he isn’t mad or angry, he knows the ways in which his hearing loss and the potential of a soulmate has consistently harmed his relationship with Nara and how much she was willing to sacrifice of her own peace of mind to continue a relationship with Patts because she loves him. He loves her too, although not romantically anymore, and I know this because this is not the face of a man who is like “why the fuck is my ex coming over here when we very clearly separated?” This is the face of a man who knows precisely why she is here and is already feeling guilty about having to let Nara down once again, and confirm the fears she had while in their relationship about losing him to the stranger in his head. 

So in terms of body language, Patts cannot be more clear that he is no longer interested in Nara, and it is why I love that Tai explicitly tells Patts that he isn’t mad about what happened. 

Patts hands stay at his sides, he does not respond to any of her movements, he never touches her, he doesn’t deepen the kiss, he doesn’t even move his lips. If we look back at other examples of times he has kissed someone he loves, we know that this is not his standard operating procedure. Even in the flashback to his last kiss with Nara two months prior, he was in to the his, he was touching the back of her neck, he was an enthusiastic participant. Here, he lets her kiss him because he knows that Nara needs both a final confirmation that his feelings for her are no longer what they once were and a final goodbye so she can transition in to a new phase of her relationship to Patts, friends. (At least I hope they are able to remain friends, with the way Nara care about Tai’s wellbeing and the way she understands how important Tai is to Patts, I want more stories that allow exes to be friends.)

Tai sees them, drops his bisexual flag coded bento box he prepared for Patts and runs off to the mountain to spiral about his feelings about Patts, soulmates, and his sincerity of his connection to both of them. 

Patts finds the lunchbox, uses that veterinarian brain of his to make the connection and immediately starts looking for Tai. Which leads us to the first crack in Tien’s armor. Something I already talked about in my stray thoughts post because I was too busy being gay and my brain was too busy coming down from the high this episode brought me that I was not able to turn my analysis brain on.

We got Tien breaking down, running off to go do something brash and stupid…like climb a mountain with no preparation…like brother like brother I guess…and Lomfon chasing after him to make sure that he does not. 

Now, Tien says “Doi Mae Pilang. Soul mate.” with a concerned and searching tone in his voice, and Lomfon reacts by looking genuinely concerned back.

We can argue back and forth about whether or not this concern is for Tai or for Tien, but the fact remains that Lomfon’s eyes are laser focused on Tien. He is worried and waiting, and it takes less than a second for Lomfon to go chasing after Tien when he takes off towards the mountain. 

At which point we get our first intentional, certain touch from Lomfon to Tien. Whereas previously, we saw that Lomfon was struggling to figure out where and how to place himself, and his hands when Tien took a nap on him, here, he is does not get lost in his head. He grabs Tien firm by the arm

Gif from @ueasking

By the shoulders

Gif from @ueasking

By the chest

Gif from @liyazaki who is as much of a hands demon as I am

Who keeps Tien pressed closely too him, and tells him, firmly, sincerely that he is here for Tien 

Gif from @liyazaki from their before and after post

And though this moment is washed the fuck out because of the light, I love that effect explicitly because to me, this is a visual representation of the idea that Lomfon is bringing light and warmth in to Tien’s life. Or that he will be. In this scene Lomfon is acting like a guide to Tien, making sure that he does not run off and get himself hurt too, making sure that he knows that he has support, comforting him when he is upset. 

And while at first Tien is turned away from it, trying to break from it, running from it, eventually he melts. 

Gifs from @liyazaki

And Lomfon reacts initially with a brief moment of surprise, before once again placing all his attention on studying Tien. This is a moment of vulnerability for Tien, something we have not seen, and Lomfon is taking it in stride. In fact, the only people that Tien has really let himself lose control around has been Lomfon. He trusted Lomfon enough to get drunk around him, to take a nap on him, to cry in front of him. 

Even with Tai, while he allowed himself to be mad, and to hug his brother tightly, and to cry, Tai did not see and will not see the full on breakdown Tien had the previous day. Tien does not let Tai know how impacted he is by anything, because he has been acting as an emotional support for Tai for the past two years. As a fellow emotional laborer, I have an extremely difficult time asking people for help and an even harder time when it comes to people who I know are also emotional laborers. Tien has been doing a massive amount of emotional labor for Tai, and that means not letting Tai in to the entire depth of his own thoughts and feelings. At least, that’s part of my read on it. 

So what do we get from Lomfon’s physicality with Tien in this scene? When Lomfon places his hands on Tien, he does not move his fingers, not like Patts does with Tai. But that does not mean that there is no movement in these scenes. His head moves, he is turning his attention to Tien. His eyes move, he is analyzing Tien and trying to read his emotions, trying to adapt to this new version of Tien he has never seen before. Lomfon moves his body, he rocks with Tien when Tien starts to collapse, when they hug, Lomfon is moving with Tien, but his hands remain steady. When Tien hugs him at the end, he pats Tien’s back and while he’s not slapping him, he is certainly not patting his back gently/softly.  Lomfon is solid, stable, logical. He will pull Tien back when Tien’s passion escapes from its leash. He will ground Tien when the world feels like it’s falling out from under him. But he he will not be so rigid that Tien is unable to do things he wants/needs to, he can still move the way he needs to, when he wants to change his position, he breaks free easily from Lomfon’s grasp, when he turns to hug Lomfon, Lomfon is not expecting it but he leans in to the hug, he roll with it. He lets Tien feel what he needs to feel, but makes sure that Tien is safe. 

We head up the mountain.

Gratuitous inclusion of Tai’s hand because I am absolutely obsessed with those rings on his fingers. 

Anyway, 

Rain and as a result, water, are incredibly important as a theme of this show. First of all, water belongs to gay people, second of all, rain and as a result, water connect Tai and Patts together, connected Tai’s parents together, still connects them together because as far as we know they will continue to remain voices in each other’s heads. So it is incredibly apt that Tai, when walking up this mountain to get clarity on where he himself stands in his beliefs around soul mates, in his relationship to Patts, falls and lands in water. 

Again, @respectthepetty taught me to look out for lines as barriers and lines as connectors. Here we have Tai’s hand, keeping him connected to water, and his sweater has two likes that visually still block his hand from the rest of his body. He has not yet figured out what his connection with himself and his beliefs are yet, and therefore despite the fact he’s reaching for it. Reaching for that knowledge, dipping a finger into the cleansing waters, he still does not have the clarity he needs. 

Until Patts shows up. 

Touch, again, this time with Patts hand resting over Tai’s shoulder, with Tai’s head cradled in Patt’s arm, with Tai’s back leaning up against Patts’ leg. Patts’ hand brushing gently across Tai’s side. 

Tai, injured, in pain, and about to faint called out to the man he’d refused to talk to for two years, and got an answer, and then Tai fell silent once again. 

“I was so worried about you”

“I can always find you”

“We are soul mates” 

And Tai smiles at that because he doesn’t care anymore, because he doesn’t care if the rain is right, if soul mates are real, Patts is here, Patts was worried, Patts will find him, Patts is patient, and reliable, and caring, and Tai can allow himself to give in to loving him. 

And if you will entertain me for just a moment, I want you to scroll back up a little to the wideshots of Tai cradled in Patts’ arms, and I want you to look at the hand that is draped along Tai’s ribs, and I want you to see the way Patts fingers move. We know from their previous make out scenes that Patts is constantly moving his fingers, scratching, and pressing, and ghosting over Tai. Here too, we see the trend continue, of these small ways that Patts gives comfort to Tai. Whereas Lomfon’s movements with Tien are bigger, firmer, more solid, because Tien needs stability and reliability like that. Tien’s emotions are simple but big, needing to be contained. Patts’ movements are smaller, gentle, softer, because Tai needs patience and comfort. Tai’s emotions are more complicated but simmering, needing to be carefully and meticulously tended to. 

Patts carries Tai down the mountain.

And Tai owes Patts an explanation. You know what, no, not an explanation, a conversation. Tai is ready to talk about these thoughts he has been having, the fears and hesitations that have been bubbling just beneath the surface, close enough to Patts to see them, close enough for Patts to rein in his horniness because he can tell that Tai isn’t comfortable having that level of intimacy with him yet. Because Patts knows a little bit about Tai’s hesitations, he has heard twice now the story of Tai’s parents’ divorce. 

And though at first he gave Tai comfort, when he found him by the water, when he wasn’t conscious, when he was more disoriented, and though he carried Tai down the mountain. Here is where conversation grows serious, and Patts, not being certain of where Tai is going to land with all of this, keeps his hands to himself. Tai tells him about how seeing Patts and Nara kiss got him thinking about, worrying about, wether Patts was giving up a truly good thing with Nara under the assumption that he and Tai were just supposed to be together. Tai tells him about everything, about how much it fucking hurts to worry about all this soulmate business, to be scared of all this soulmate business. About halfway through this monologue Patts starts fidgeting with his own hands, whether that is to rub out the growing anxiety in him or to get out some of the need he has to touch Tai I am not certain, but you can tell the gears in his brain are turning.

And it is not until Tai after Tai says he is not mad about Patts and Nara and after he admits that all “it fucking hurts” to grapple with whether or not soulmates exist and what that means for him, where Patts finally reaches out to comfort Tai. 

Even when he doesn’t yet know where this conversation is going. Even when it is entirely possible that Patts has just risked his life to rescue Tai, carried him down the mountain, and may still be broken up with because Tai is scared or uncertain. Even here in this moment of limbo, Patts still reaches out to Tai to make sure Tai feels how much Patts cares for him. 

Then he doesn’t let go. His hand moves from Tai’s back, to Tai’s elbow, to Tai’s thigh, Patts never breaking his attention on Tai while Tai talks him through his realizations. 

Patts is honest too, and destroys the last remaining threads of doubt Tai had in this relationship by assuring Tai that regardless of whether or not soul mates exist, regardless of whether or not that telepathic link that people get somehow miraculously connects them with their soulmate, that Patts loves Tai and would love Tai anyway. Patts may call Tai his soul mate, but he doesn’t have to see Tai that way, and he doesn’t need to be seen that way by Tai in order for their relationship to work. 

The theme I am loving the most that is coming out of La Pluie centers around that subversion. Tai believed wholeheartedly in soulmates, and that belief was shattered before his very eyes with his parents. Patts sees Tai at the bus stop with a cat, and finds him cute, before Tai and Patts even know they are the voices in each other’s heads, there is an obvious attraction. They are interested in each other because they are interested in each other, not because of the hearing loss. Tai holds himself back from falling too deeply for Patts, for being too intimate with Patts because he cannot get over the idea that one day it might possibly fall apart. But Tai’s father himself told Patts that these relationships take work. All relationships take work. If soulmates exist, and if you are somehow connected to them in your head, and if one day you meet, and fall in love, you cannot rely on the knowledge that you are soulmates to save you from ruining a relationship. If you don’t talk, if you don’t compromise, if you aren’t honest, if you don’t work at it, you won’t make it out the other end. 

And again, that is if soulmates exist, and I think with Episode 8, La Pluie is planting a flag firmly in the “soulmates do not exist” camp. 

Tai relinquishes the ideas he had about soulmates, and finally allows himself to love Patts.

Going back to physicality you can see Patts visibly relax and smile after Tai tells him he is happy that Patts is there. At which point 

gif from @liyazaki

Patts gets playful and cuddly, his hands wrap familiarly around Tai’s waist, Patts’ head slots in perfectly right where it belongs on Tai’s shoulder, and Tai lets himself be enveloped. 

gif from @liyazaki

Patts breaks out the first couples kiss, with that soft, fast sniff kiss on Tai’s cheek, because despite the fact they have not yet officially established they are boyfriends, Patts and Tai know that something in their relationship has changed.

gif from @liyazaki

Tai has come a long way from his make out session with Patts in episode 6 where he barely moved his fingers. Now, Patts and Tai war silently over who gets to hold the other’s hand. 

gif from @liyazaki

And we get a lot of lovely non-verbal communication here, both of them exhausted, needing to sleep, pressed up against each other. With Tai being hugged from behind, in beautiful parallel to his brother. They say goodnight, but Tai spends these last few minutes of consciousness before falling asleep, gently comforting Patts by gently stroking his thumb along Patts’ hand. Because he knows that Patts was worried, and that Patts has been through a lot today, and because he loves Patts, and because he can. Because he can touch Patts, because he can have these little

moments of intimacy, where he can feel Patt’s breathing against his back, where he can give small moments of comfort to someone he cares about. 

They stay like that all night, and when morning comes, Tai is still holding on to Patts. Letting Patts know that he is still there, letting Patts know that he will keep a hold of him as long as he can. From here through the end of the episode, they are touching as much as possible. 

When Tai wakes up, and sits up, Patts slides over and the inside of his elbow makes contact with Tai’s arm

They sit here together, and they talk, and Patts finally asks the question he has been wanting to ask for awhile. 

And it’s funny, isn’t it? How everyone was rushing around them? How they were strangers and then soul mates and Tai and Patts were trying to figure out how and where they fit into each others lives while at the same time knowing that regardless of whether or not this worked, that they would always be in each other’s lives in some form, because of the hearing loss. Patts and Tai can talk about boundaries in the car soon after they have met, and Patts can meet Tai’s father, and they can refer to each other as soul mates, but what does that even mean? 

What did it mean to them? What did it mean to Tai? What it meant was that Tai had something to fear, and while Tien was running around referring to Patts as his brother-in-law, Patts and Tai were in a “testing phase” as it were. With obvious attraction between them, but without having put a label on their relationship because they didn’t know where they stood. Because Patts did not know where Tai stood. 

Will you be my boyfriend? Up through this episode, we have really only heard Patts and Tai refer to each other as soul mates. Because that is what society labels people connected through the rain as. In having this conversation on Doi Mae Pliang about how it doesn’t matter if they are soulmates, Patts would still choose Tai and in Patts asking if Tai will be his boyfriend, I will be curious to see if they refer to each other differently moving forward. If we can trust the trailer for this show, we know that Patts refers to Tai at least once as his boyfriend. I think it would be especially poignant if the show moves forward with Tai and Patts referring to each other only as ‘faen’ and stepping away from the soulmate label, because the show has told us from the beginning, it’s not about soulmates at all.

gifs from @liyazaki

(tagging the la pluie defense squad: @bengiyo, @lurkingshan, @ginnymoonbeam and @shortpplfedup because its about damn time she starts the soulmates don't exist show)

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Confession time... yippee.

Well... it's Christmas. I've had a secret that's been dragging me down for two years now, so, I figured, I may as well get it off my chest so I can - hopefully - move on in the New Year. Yeah. 'Hopefully'. Anyway, if I can't be honest at Christmas, when can I be honest? So, here it is: I love you. You probably already knew this. I told you often enough. But I love you. Like, centre-of-my-world, most-beautiful girl/human/being-I've-ever-seen, a-luminescent-angel-in-my-eyes, 10/10-would-marry. That kind of love. Christ, why am I even writing this?

I don't know exactly when I started falling for you, mostly because I don't think I ever 'fell'. Falling brings to mind some an angel, shedding feathers like stars, twisting and turning with exquisite grace as it falls to earth. I, on the other hand, plummeted. Out-of-control. Most likely screaming in a high-pitched, undignified way. I also splattered at the bottom, like an overripe tomato. There's a mental image for you. I was impaled at the bottom of that vast canyon by lovely spires of self-doubt, insecurities, self-loathing, and - worst of them all, the cunning dagger of stone that went right through my heart - foolish, stupid, idiotic, imbecilic hope. I was, to put it bluntly, a terrified, blindsided mess. And also totally, absolutely, completely, utterly in love. You know when you're scrolling through music insinuating romance and you start picturing the one you love? Up until I met you, I'd only pictured fictional characters. Unrequited, yes, and thus painful, but bearable. Fast forward, and  I was actually amazed at how much more painful it was when the object of my imagination was a real and tangible girl - granted, half the world away - while a thousand knives of agony gleefully assaulted my chest. I would cuss myself out at impressive length whenever this happened. Told myself ad nauseam that there was no way in hell that it was happening. Over and over again. Like a broken record. Thought I was gonna go insane. Maybe I did. It feels like it. But it was such an honour to be driven insane by you. I was sort of half glad that we weren't sharing a continent, because if you could meet me face-to-face, you would have known I was head over heels. A blind, deaf, and dumb codfish would have seen it, so there would be no hope for you not noticing - you, so intelligent and perceptive. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice as it was. I couldn't hold myself back from complimenting you practically daily. Maybe you did notice. Sometimes I thought you might have even been flirting back. I dismissed that so fast the thought barely formed; I bashed in its soft infant skull with the brutal logic that was slowly pulverizing my head with its weighty facts. You're beautiful. You're clever. You're creative. You're strong. You're funny. You're smart. You're two years older than me. You want a baby (which I am incapable of giving you without difficulty.) That didn't stop my dumb ass from starting to flirt with you. Many times, I freaked. Thought I'd gone too far, been too obvious. I was quick to fling something platonic at you within the next few messages. My heart raced for a half-hour each time. I am a Hufflepuff, not a Gryffindor, okay. On Valentine's day, I got jealous. I'll admit it. Not even for real people, either. I was jealous over fictional characters, just because you thought of them in a way that you would never think of me. So I sent you a virtual Valentine's card that involved a terrible pun and Comic Sans text. Because I'm a dork, and I have no idea how to do the Romance™. And I wanted to impress you (don't know why I thought that kind of Valentine was the way to do that, maybe because I'm a fucking idiot.) Once it was sent, I freaked, again. Thought I'd gone too far, again. Thank God she didn't notice, I thought reverently after you replied to normally the next day, while I beat back the crippling disappointment using my rib cage as a jungle gym. I tried to be the best boyfriend I could be without actually, y'know, being your boyfriend. I tried to support you. Indulge all your creative ideas (even though 'indulge' feels like the wrong word, since I genuinely loved them.) Whenever you sent pics, I told you how beautiful you looked (you should probably know I almost swallowed my tongue with every picture of you I saw. My puny brain did not like comprehending your level of beauty.) I tried to do everything I possibly could, not even in the hopes that you would actually date me. Just because you deserved my effort and more - as a stranger, as a friend, as a girlfriend. You were you, and that's all that mattered to me. Time went on. Somehow, even though I was already presumably at rock-bottom, I managed to fall even more for you. You were like my own personal brand of quicksand, forget heroin. It was our RPs that kept me from going completely mental. I wrote the other halves of your ships for you - the aforementioned fictional partners over which I was boiling with jealousy - and so I could confess all my feelings for you through their POVs. I could tell you I loved you. I could tell you how I loved you. I could tell you how beautiful, amazing, brilliant you were to me. I could say all of this as many times as I want, and you wouldn't guess it was really me telling you from me, rather than me telling you from your ship-mate. (Now you know why I liked RPing Bree's POV so much. Lucky bastard.) More time went by, and things started getting rough. I kept giving you things. Covers for you and your ships. Things I'd written - scenarios and preferences and imagines, some of them pages and pages long. I kept giving them to you, even when you told me to stop, because the more I gave, the better I felt - it was a way for me to show my love, and I did not want to stop. It wasn't rational, I know, but I felt like if I stopped, I would lose you. But I was giving you too much. It was draining me dry, all my inspiration, all my friendliness, everything. I tried to talk to you about it on several occasions, since you'd told me you were trying to give me more but weren't, but it just ended in arguments after which nothing changed, so I didn't see the point in bringing it up. I started getting anxiety before talking to you. I would spend sleepless nights with headaches pounding behind my dry eyes with every ridiculously fast beat of my heart. I felt sick, listless, constantly tired. I felt like I was killing myself for you, slowly, slowly, slowly, but surely. And yet, I still loved you. It felt like I loved you more and more, every day. I fell for your every quirk, your every 'flaw', your smile and your laugh - oh, your laugh gave me the most indescribable warm feeling, like a small sun of pure joy expanding inside my chest - your mind and your body, your humour, your silliness, your maturity, your childishness - all of it. All of you. I loved you more than myself. And so I kept going. Kept coming on with a smile and a "hello, beautiful" and a handful of pills for the headache that hadn't left since the anxiety-ridden dread of last night. The few times I thought you felt the same were the times that my heart missed a beat, plain stopped, and then sprinted into overdrive. Nervousness and excitement and anticipation. The more excited I felt, the harder the crash after I realized you hadn't meant it. When you finally got a few real boyfriends, I will admit, I lost my cool. Went outside, beat the shit out of the old, tattered couch we had out the back. Had to wait to calm down, played with the dogs, cuddled the chickens, went back inside, and typed the words that bled out of my fingers right from the wound in my heart: "That's great!" I didn't want you to feel bad. I didn't want you to feel anything but happiness, ever. The end came around abruptly. It was the day my Dad asked me to write him something - just something small. He practically begged me, but I said I couldn't. Said I wasn't good enough. Snapped it at him without even thinking. Because I had written so much for you, made so much for you, gave so much of myself away for you, never feeling like it was enough - that I was enough - my self esteem was in shambles. Completely wreaked. I stopped, opened my laptop, and logged into Skype. My fingers hovered over the keys. I felt sick, dizzy, unsteady. My heart was beating so fast I could hardly pick out the individual beats. I was shaking. I distinctly remember the way my teeth chattered. I was terrified. Terrified to leave. More terrified to stay. Torn. Because, even though I was depressed and anxious because of our very uneven relationship, you were responsible for many of the best moments of my life. And they weren't even anything big. They were just us, RPing, talking, laughing together. You had the unique ability to make small, insignificant things, into memories I would cherish forever. You are unique, period. I typed out the first few messages, which were ambiguous, everything in me screaming to turn them into a joke, laugh it off. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. But I did it. Said goodbye to you. You replied. I replied to your reply, and I was so pissed, at myself, at you for the way you tried to turn it all back on me even though I had never do anything but love and support you unconditionally, even though I put everything I had and more into making you happy. I said things I didn't need, or really mean, to say.

So I lost you. I know I was the one that said goodbye. I know, and I regret it every single fucking day. I dream about you, for God's sake. My brain hates me more than I know you probably do right around now. On Christmas day, yesterday, I looked through some of our old conversations. I know I shouldn't. I should let you go. Stop living in the past. Let you find someone who can give you what you want and deserve. But I had to look. I cried like a goddamn baby. I've lost count of how many times my cursor has hovered over that request contact button on Skype. The only thing that's stopped me is the knowledge that you're better off without me. And now, here I am, writing all this down even though I hate it. I know you'll never see this. I know you've probably left me behind. I know you probably hate me, and I don't blame you. But I loved you. And I still do. So much that there is a pain like literal fucking knives currently carving your initials all over my insides. Maybe those carvings will heal. Maybe not. I don't even know if I want them to or not. I don't even know anything anymore. Anyway. I just needed to get this off my chest before it crushed me. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I wish you nothing but a perfect life. Guess I'll always love you in some way, Pancake. .................... FML.