#yesterday my mom took him to the vet after i noticed him limping and turns out he broke a toe

[scarletcomet]

my bunny has to spend the night at the vet, and I miss him so much.

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

So its been a long two days. I say two because yesterday I had a full day and I haven't slept since then, not that I even remember what I did yesterday except go to work.

I wanted to give you all some context for my post of last night, especially since I know some of you have been here since before I got Toby and kind of took this ESA journey with me. For those of you who don't know, Tobias, but I always call him Toby, was my forst guinea pig and emotional support animal. He would've been 4 years old in June; I got him August 2018 right before my sophomore year of college as a compromise with my mom and therapist against getting me a dog, at a time when my panic attacks and depression were the most severe they ever were. Toby managed to train himself to recognize when I was anxious, upset, or panicked, and he during those times he did beg for attention and then lay with me until he was satisfied I was no longer upset - he did this on his own, but I did recognize it after awhile. He couldn't use a litter box, but he could always tell when I needed him. I can absolutely say I wouldn't be alive right now without him.

I don't post a lot about my pets on here because I have been accused of animal abuse several times by anons who didn't like some aspect of a picture I took, so I have kept Toby mostly off the internet, but some of my old marvel followers probably remember him a bit. He's been sick for awhile now. He had a heart murmur that was originally ignored or not caught until he started showing symptoms around 2 years old. He was never wanting for treats or love though. When his symptoms began to worsen, my vet suspected congestive heart failure and recommended a few different treatment options. I did everything in my power and financial means - I had the foresight, thank god, to get Toby pet insurance because he was terribly accident prone, but I still couldn't afford a $600 cardiac specialist workup. He did get an ultrasound which was inconclusive, and xrays which were clear, and there was nothing else to do but keep him happy. The vet gave him 6 months max in June 2021 due to the heart condition, which he spitefully outlived of course. He lived his entire life on spite and spoils. The beginning of February this year he had his 6 month health check, and his breathing had worsened. 4 is pretty old for a cavy, life expectancy is 4-8 years, but she recommended we try a diuretic to see if he had fluid buildup we could help with. He had a history of upper respiratory infections, so it could've been scar tissue, but I was willing to try. We tried it for almost 3 weeks, but his breathing didn't improve (or worsen, though his pee changed smell and never went back to normal) so I stopped it because it can cause kidney issues. A week later on Narch 3rd, he had what I believed at the time was a seizure in my arms, and I laid with him all day because I was positive he wouldn't make it through the night. Of course, out of spite, he did.

All this to say that I've known this was coming... and writing it down to justify to myself I did everything I reasonably could for him within my means. I've been preparing for nearly a year now but it's... different. It doesn't actually hit until they're gone.

Last night at 8pm, I got out of the shower and Toby was perky and alert. He ran right up to me and wanted treats and to be held, but when I picked him up he was covered in diarrhea, which I've never seen before and is incredibly dangerous for a guinea pig. My mom helped me rinse him off in the sink, but when we went to blow dry him I noticed his ears were cool and clammy and he was lethargic. They run hotter than us, so their ears should always be warm. When mom turned the dryer on he went completely limp in my arms with his eyes rolled back, passed out. I was too frightened to try and blow dry him again, so i wrapped him up as warm and dry as I could and over the next hour he appeared on the surface to spowly recover, first awareness then movement and strength. He eventually ate the carrot my mom got him, his favorite food, but looking back I think he coukd tell we were both terrified and he didn't want us freaking out any more.

I couldn't get his ears warm and his head kept jerking uncharacteristically. I was in contact with my best friend Pepin, who agreed that I should follow my gut and take him to the vet. There is only one emergency vet in the area who will even see "pocket pets" or exotics, and Toby has been several times before (accident prone...) so I trusted them to help me assess whether it was time for euthanasia or not.

Here is where I get really mad. They were busy, which is fine, they always are. They rightfully triaged Toby, who was at least awake and seemingly aware, after the three dogs they eventually put down. They do curbside triage, so i sat in the car with Toby from 9pm until 10:40pm, at which point they took him from me with no questions or feedback. I sat for another hour until 11:40pm pretty convinced Toby was going to die in there without me - before they called me, and the vet on duty was not the one who normally saw Toby.

He did not let me talk. He did not ask me any questions. He clearly wanted Toby out of the office so he didn't havd to deal with a "pocket pet". I had placed history of heart disease on the triage intake because I thought it was relevant to the fainting and diarrhea, but this vet fixated on that and seemed to think I wanted him to help cure a chronic disease Toby had had for a year. He said they couldn't get a pulse ox to read, his pulse was 180 where its supposed to be 230, his temp was 94 where its supposed to be 103, and they'd had him on oxygen and a heating pad and still couldnt get an o2 read and his temp was only up to 96. I remember the numbers like they're burned into my brain. He also said he had no idea what was wrong with him, why he passed out, why his temp was low, why he had diarrhea. He was concerned his breathing was labored, and refused to listen when I told him it was actually shallow for Toby compared to the past year. He said he looked up guinea pig heart disease and couldn't find anything so didn't know.

He said his nurses claim he had another fainting episode, but he was fine and perky when he saw him and he didn't see it. That Toby was sniffing around like he wanted food and looked active. And that my two choices were $200 x rays on his lungs or take him home and try to keep him warm and call my vet in the morning. When I mentioned euthanasia, he brushed me off and said "Well I don't know anything about pocket pets so these are your two options."

So I took Toby home. I realized as soon as they brought him back that he'd lied to me because Toby was significantly worse than when they had taken him. "Perky" was a fucking incredible lie. We got home at 12am, and I laid with him until nearly 2. He was restless, uncomfortable, not fully cognizant, and weak, and he refused to die while I was touching him. At nearly 2am, I decided to put him in his cage so he could die in peace in his home. I knew when I put him down I wouldnt pick him back up out of the cage alive. I did not expect the next time I picked him up to be 20 seconds later.

He screamed when I put him down and his back legs gave out immediately and he ended up on his back. By the time I picked him back up his heart had stopped completely. Most of yall don't know, but when something dies there are vestigial twitches for several minutes afterward. His jaw kept flexing like he wanted a treat. At that point I made the other reblog to this post. It couldve been a peaceful death, but instead he was alone at the vet for two hours and died frightened and in pain, and it's selfish but I'm furious I had to see him like that.

I had to take him back to the emergency clinic to drop him off for the cremation services. At which point the vet has the gall to ask what happened and how he died, and says he thinks he had an arrhythmia causing syncopal episodes. I don’t know why me putting him down finally causes his heart to fail but. Suffice to say there's a lot of anger and guilt right now. I should have not taken him, or foughg harder for euthanasia, or continued to hold him even though he was restless and I was tired.

Luckily I do have insurance for him. Still, the cremation and emergency are nearly $300. If you'd like to help with that or just get me breakfast for this week, my kofi is in my bio. Or, if you're upset by Toby's treatment, please donate to your local guinea pig rescue. They are so often completely mistreated or ignored by vets because theyre "pocket pets". Toby was my ESA. He wan't less important than another person's dog just because he was a rodent.

Thank you to everyone who sent kind words during those long hours of wait and early morning grief. I'm still processing but I've done a lot of emotional work today. I'm okay, just grieving. I miss him so much. I'm trying to remember how much he loved me too instead of those 20 seconds of fear, but Im having a hard time right now. So just try to remember some love today, yeah?

Hey guys

So uh. Im pretty sure tonight im putting Toby down. He's been my ESA for nearly four years and i just... idk what to do with myself haha. I feel like im gonna puke.

But i want to get him cremated. Its what my family has always done with our pets and. Yeah. I've been saving for it. He's been sick for awhile. But. There's always been another emergency.

So anyway. If you want to help me out at all, my kofi link is in my bio is all, and kind words are always appreciated.