#yesterday i had no clue what i was doing from a gender perspective

[opossumanon]

The fact that the only way I can really consistently figure out what I'm feeling (gender-wise) is to wait until somebody calls me "she" and see how bothered I get by it is a little annoying ngl. Like is there a way I can realize I'm feeling like a man without having a taste of dysphoria first??

[darkfictionjude]

Etymology nonnie here! 

I realized I had so much to say it was better to do different asks. Already the last one was very long. But most of it didn't focused on the new update (funnily enough, I had more to say about the previous one). I still have some things to say about the previous update, but I pretend to speak about the one you pushed yesterday. Also, apologies for not messaging yesterday. I had to go to classes when you released the update, so I only got to read it quite late. Today I probably wouldn't have been able to write you anything, but I found the time amongst the things I have to do.

About this new update. I loved how the interactions with the RO's went. Now, as you know, my MC (Indiana) is romancing Imre. And while I expected lust (and there is some), I think it has been very cute as of now. And evident. Since both Nia and Lorcan have showed some reaction to it. 

Probably the most surprising thing for me was the phone call with Nia. The way I would love to have her POV of the scene. My MC calls so excited about the case, realizing that Sammy's murder doesn't fit the case profiling that they had been doing (not only due to gender, but also age). Like, we cannot go all Criminal Minds in this one, boys. At least, not yet. So, what would Nia think of this? MC, always so apathetic and seemingly uncaring about the world, so invested on a murder investigation? It's at once so suspicious and intriguing. Is this because of guilt? Out of murderous fascination with death? A weird, and probably ineffective attempt to clear his name? Nia's head must be full of theories.

But there is also the fact that MC seems to be so compatible and friendly with Imre. Like, I do suspect Nia told Imre to keep distant more to protect MC rather than because she actually believed they wouldn't get along. But I also believe she also thought the latter had some validity. So, it must be shocking that MC seems so excited and receptive to Imre (at least mine is, I know not all MC's are). Probably, a part of her is also worried about how everything is going to end. 

There is also an attempt to reconnect with MC. But is a careful and, not exactly hesitant, yet not entirely trusting. Which makes sense, of course, from her perspective. Once again I would love to have her POV. Even though I'm romancing Imre, nowadays is her friendship with MC the relationship that intrigues me the most. It's in such a complicated and unique situation. 

This always happens to me, but I just cannot wait for the next update. And this one released yesterday. I just had to mention it. 

Then, there's Lorcan. He's so fun. So petty, so immature, so dumb. I love him. The more I see of him the more I'm convinced I have to do another playthrough where I romance him. Yet it comes with the trouble of designing a different MC than my Indiana, and that means I'm back at the name choosing crisis again. Alas, I'm not surprised.

Also, the case. The more we learn, the less my theories seem to hold in place. As of now, everything points to a supernatural entity, or multiple murderers, or a cult. Maybe all three. The trouble is that I don't know how to connect these with any of the other suspects I had. Of course, we also have very little information, so any theory is subject to be disproven or strengthened as we gather more data and clues. 

Finally, there is some things I wanted to comment about the previous update, and the character creator. I still find funny you used golden beryl as a color choice. Even though I know what you meant, I still imagined my MC as a Simpson, given how yellow that color is. Yet, in the previous update, when MC is looking at himself in the mirror, you used another descriptor I think it's more accurate, by saying the skin tone is olive (now, olive has its own set of issues, as it can refer to both shade and undertone and mean different things, but that's English fault not yours, dear Jude). 

I think I mentioned once I wanted to do an anti-Imre initially. Now, I must admit, my love for Imre has escaped the confines of this IF and flooded over others. As, all my MCs are heavily inspired by Imre's appearance. Including my dear Indiana Crown. I think there is one demo in which I even named my MC Imre (I think I told you once already I fancy him in part because his name fascinates me). So my Indiana has olive skin, brown hair, and blue (technically indigo, so it's a bit more purple than blue) eyes. Which reminds me the fact that a lot of people date others very similar to them. And, in the case of gay couples, sometimes they look like clones. Here is not so much the case since Indiana is lithe, I imagine him shorter than Imre, and has plenty of scars. Including at least two on his neck (both the nasty one from 1992, and the one from when he sliced it as a child with a knife). 

There another thing I wanted to comment. About child MC being in beauty pageants. I don't know if I skimmed over that part before, or what was I thinking I didn't notice that. And it's so fascinating. Not only it shows how the Crowns, and Prudence specifically, care about appearances so much. As well as how abusive they can be. But also that MC was, at least back then, beautiful enough to participate in such things. 

That said, I just have to know how those went. No matter how cute MC may have been… He has dead eyes. How creepy must he have looked! Perhaps MC was a bit like a doll back then. Beautiful, yet dead inside. 

There is also the reinforcement of distance and the asymmetrical relationship between Prudence and MC, as well as her potential lack of love towards him. After all, most mothers wouldn't force their little kid to stop saying Mommy to say Mother instead. Like, there are mothers who get sad when their kids go from mommy to mom. So the fact that Prudence is deliberately creating such instance does give a good idea of how she doesn't want to he close to MC. 

The Crown family is truly a mess, huh?

Ah I was waiting for more in-depth reactions to the update! I feel like no one has given me any thought on what they thought of the complete 180 the investigation gets because of Sammy (all I've gotten are what's the word to the question Imre asks 😭)

What I love about MC's relationship with Nia is that it is riveting both as a romance and friendship, sometimes I feel friendships are less worked on than romances in some IFs so I'm glad you like it

Also Lorcan is the group comedian I gathered and he wasn't even looking to be he's completely serious when he asks the poop ask 💀

Yeah so MC never won those pageants but they were always in second place and it had to do with their lack of charisma and talent on the stage, the dead eyes were another disadvantage. I imagine to look like a creepy porcelain doll

[meeresnaechte]

Get To Know Me Questions (Very long)

1. What is your first name? Justine

2. What is your nickname? Jess

3. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini

4. What is your favorite book series? I do not really have a favorite book series since I actually do prefer shows or video games to get lost in. However, I once read a "self published" ebook by an unknown author called "Human" which is actually a fanfiction but it was SO well written and it made me more emotional than any other book ever could.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Yes I do believe in such things. I often experience sleep paralysis and get visited by someone- or something. I can see a person who's not actually there and I do believe it's a lost soul or the ghost of the person which committed suicide in my apartment before I moved in. I believe in demons and posessed things, I am really scared of dolls but I think not believing in such things would make life more boring.

6. Who is your favorite author? I do not have one.

7. What is your favorite radio station? I don't listen to the radio.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? I like any flavor except sweet flavors like vanilla or else.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Pure. It's one of my favorite words. I often like to refer to my best friends as pure.

10. What is your current favorite song? Anarchist by Yungblud is a really good song at the moment.

11. What is your favorite word? Pure in english or Bettgeflüster in German, I'm sorry but the sound of that word is just so beautiful ahhah

12. What was the last song you listened to? I write sins not tragedies by panic at the disco. Definitely one of the best song ever made (Also Brendon is especially hot in this one)

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? How I met your mother (very life changing) & Stranger Things

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? The perks of being a wallflower. It changed me and my perspective on life completely.

15. Do you play video games? Yes. I love them, especially Fable 2 and Bioshock Infinite.

16. What is your biggest fear? The ocean. I love the beach but I am really scared of deep water because my father and I had to save a man from drowning when I was maybe 7 years old. He experienced a stroke and only his little daughter was with him.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I can be very interesting to talk to because I love getting into depth about everything.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My self confidence and my mental illness. It ruined and continues to ruin many things for me. It took my youth away.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? I cherish dogs so much, they make me so happy.

20. What is your favorite season? Summer or winter. (Fall is quite awesome too, it's kind of spooky)

21. Are you in a relationship? No.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Not being afraid of anything. Being free, not being judged for what I do and who I am.

23. Who is your best friend? I have more than one. Someone I met through the internet in 2013. Someone I've known since kindergarten and suddenly met again 15 years later. Someone I've been deeply in love with for 5 years & Someone who's always been there but never really got the courage to be around until last year.

24. What is your eye color? Green.

25. What is your hair color? Blonde.

26. Who is someone you love? My best friends & my lovely grandma.

27. Who is someone you trust? My best friends.

28. Who is someone you think about often? I often think about someone I haven't met yet. Someone who will change my life forever.

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I am truly trying to live in the moment. I'm not excited for something, but scared of the future because I have to move abroad next year and leave everything behind.

30. What is your biggest obsession? Fable 2, Dan and Phil and Stranger Things.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Spongebob or Max & Ruby

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? All except one person of my best friends are my opposite gender and I can tell them anything.

33. Are you superstitious? Yes

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I don't know if they are unusual but the ocean, dolls, funfairs, bugs and speaking in front of people (except acting)

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? In front of it. My greatest passion is acting and I've always wanted to become an actress.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Acting.

37. What was the last book you read? It's been a long long time. I have no clue.

38. What was the last movie you watched? Annabelle 3. Yesterday at a drive-in cinema with my best friends. One of the most special moments I've made so far.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I can play the piano. I would love to play any instrument.

40. What is your favorite animal? Dogs, wolves and red pandas.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I don't have a favorite.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Time travelling, being able to read people's minds and heart.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? At the beach, listening to the sound of the waves. I tend to forget everything during those moments.

44. What makes you smile? When people aren't afraid to show me that I mean something to them. Not only words.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Football, Basketball, Badminton.. did I forget anything? I like all sports except gymnastics.

46. What is your favorite drink? Water or Iced Coffee (it's so bad for my skin)

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? This month, I believe. It was a letter.

48. Are you afraid of heights? Yes, but I still manage to push myself to do things that involves heights. I just recently climbed up a 80 metre high building with my friends at night to get a nice view of the skyline. Almosy shit my pants but I am still alive. Little did we know someone killed themselves by jumping off that exact building at the exact night.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Screaming. I hate it. I love chill people.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Do little concerts count? If not, no.

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I've always wanted to become an actress or a police officer.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Albion from Fable the video game.

54. What is something you worry about? My future.

55. Are you scared of the dark? I love the night and being outside during the night but I can't sleep without keeping my little light on because I tend to get sleep paralysis when my room is all dark.

56. Do you like to sing? I wish I could sing

57. Have you ever skipped school? Yes

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Wherever I feel happy and where I can connect with the people I love the most.

59. Where would you like to live? California.

60. Do you have any pets? No.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl.

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Both. Sunsets are like a beautiful ending, they make me believe that no matter how hard things are at the moment, they will pass, but the bittersweet feeling of the ending of my best memories comes after. Sunrises feel like a new beginning after the dark.

63. Do you know how to drive? No, I'm currently doing my car and motorcycle driving license though.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds for music, headphones for gaming.

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes, I want them again, I'm not satisfied with my teeth.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Rock

67. Who is your hero? Daniel Howell. I've never met him, but I saw myself in him. He saved my life. I feel like I've known him before.. in a different life.

68. Do you read comic books? No

69. What makes you the most angry? Negative people who always complain and never see the beauty in certain things or moments.

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? A real book.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? Sports.

72. Do you have any siblings? No

73. What was the last thing you bought? Film for my polaroid camera.

74. How tall are you? 5'4ft

75. Can you cook? Not really. I can make pancakes, that's about it.

76. What are three things that you love? Dogs, nature, video games

77. What are three things that you hate? Negativity, hatred, self-centered people

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? More male friends.

79. What is your sexual orientation? I don't care who I fall in love with, but I don't know how to label myself. I'm in love with the feeling of love.

80. Where do you currently live? Germany but I'm moving to London next summer.

81. Who was the last person you texted? One of my best friends.

82. When was the last time you cried? This week

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Dan and Phil.

84. Do you like to take selfies? I take like 2 selfies each year so, no.

85. What is your favorite app? Twitter or Tumblr

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Not very good. I feel pressured most of the time and can't connect to them on an emotional level. It's even harder now since they got a divorce. I love my grandma so much.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? American.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? New Zealand, Norway and Canada

89. What is your favorite number? 24

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? No

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space. I'm scared of the deep ocean and I don't even know what's down there.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Not at all

94. Are you allergic to anything? Wasps, dust

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? 50/50

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Both.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "Cut the seed before it grows"

100. Are you a good liar? I hate lying and being lied to.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Slytherin

102. Do you talk to yourself? A lot

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I use my Tumblr as my diary since 2013

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Search for an ID and try to reach out to the person who lost it.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Not really..

108. Are you ticklish? Yes

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes

110. Do you have any piercings? Yes

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Reaver from Fable, I'd like to marry him

112. Do you have any tattoos? No but I'm planning to get three.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? To keep going.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yes.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Either I wear glasses or go through life blind lmao

116. Do you want children? I'm not sure, but I prefer to adopt.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? Daniel Howell

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I reject them lmao

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? When haven't I?

120. What color are most of you clothes? Black

121. Do you like adventures? I love them.

122. Have you ever been on TV? Yes.

123. How old are you? 18

124. What is your favorite quote? So many. I really like "Irgendjemand liebt dich immer" a lot these days, it means "someone will always love you"

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. I hate sweet.

I tag @ludicrousperson

[antagonistchan]

i started playing Mass Effect: Andromeda yesterday.

i got a download code for it for christmas like two years ago and just finally redeemed it.

now, for years, i’ve been saying this: “i know that people don’t like Andromeda- it’s very hard to avoid that- but i’ve done my best to avoid looking further into why people don’t like Andromeda because i want to form an opinion for myself. lots of people don’t like Mass Effect 3 either and i fucking adore that game. based on the fact that most people don’t like Andromeda and consider it a total joke but i do see that it has its fans in the Mass Effect tag, i expect that it’s gonna be bad, but i’m gonna like it anyways, though not as much as i like the trilogy.”

and i was absolutely right. so far at least.

it’s definitely not the worst. i mean, unless the question is “the worst Mass Effect game”, in which case, yeah, it is the worst. but that’s not saying much considering the other three are collectively my favorite game of all time.

so, Mass Effect: Andromeda is an extremely flawed game. but it’s not completely worthless like some people say (though i can totally understand why someone would dismiss it as worthless).

it’s pretty ugly (it’s got good lighting, but the animations and textures and human models all look really.... off. and the original version of ME1 was also pretty ugly, but in a charmingly primitive 2007 kinda way; Andromeda’s ugliness lacks that charm, especially since the aforementioned good lighting makes it fail to feel particularly primitive). speaking of the animations, aside from them looking off, a lot of them are extremely stiff and borderline unfinished.

the Angarans as a species are also pretty ugly imo, but 1: that’s extremely subjective, i’ve definitely seen people who are thirsty for Angarans, and 2: that’s also not necessarily a complaint. Angarans just Look Like That. who says these aliens need to conform to our ideals of prettiness. and they’ve got cool stuff going on. Jaal’s neat.

i do like the Remnant. they kinda give off that same precursor vibe as Prothean/Reaper tech without feeling like exactly the same thing again, and it’s pretty interesting that they only disappeared within the last few hundred years rather than 50,000 years ago. and there’s a lot more left of them. they’re somewhat derivative of the Forerunners from Halo, but not too extremely.

now, the aliens i do have an issue with are the Kett. they are so extremely derivative. not only are they derivative of things outside of Mass Effect (i know next to nothing about Warframe and even i can tell that they’re visually a total ripoff of Warframe, and also to an extent Halo), but they’re derivative of things Mass Effect already had, too (gee, an evil race that creates its soldiers by corrupting members of other races? no, that’s not like the Reapers at all).

the game’s writing is mostly fine. nothing’s struck me nearly as hard as anything in the trilogy had this far in (for any of the three games), but the story hasn’t offended me too badly and there’s been stuff i’ve liked. Alec Ryder’s a cool dead mentor character and i did emotionally resonate with him sacrificing himself to save my character’s life, Andromeda manages to bring back a lot of the hard sci-fi elements that ME2 and ME3 both scaled back on from ME1, and i really like the whole disaster scenario that Andromeda inherently presents, and how it makes space feel really big and dangerous in ways the trilogy liked to hint at but never fully explore.

not sure how i feel about the combat yet. largely because of the game’s pacing, and there’s a complaint. the trilogy was pretty good at keeping you on your toes, balancing the combat/exploration gameplay with the downtime gameplay. Andromeda... doesn’t really. it’ll spend way too long on the combat/exploration stuff so i’ll easily start getting bored with it, and then it’ll spend way too long on the downtime stuff so i’ll easily start begging to actually try out the new combat/exploration stuff i’m getting during the downtime, and on top of this, it also means i’m having a really hard time adjusting to the combat. i’m not really having that much fun with the combat yet, but i feel like there’s a very good chance it’s because i just haven’t gotten the hang of it yet (especially coming right off the tail of another playthrough of the original trilogy, a series of games i replay literally every year and have since 2013 so i know them like the back of my hand). the idea of Profiles is interesting, at least.

the Tempest is a cool ship. i had it introduced to me as “a shitty version of the Normandy” and that’s not really fair. yeah, the Normandy’s cooler, but the Tempest is cool too. honestly, i found myself comparing it more to the Normandy SR-1 than the SR-2. It has a much more similar vibe (i mean, hell, you don’t need to go through any loading screens to see the entire ship, and it’s not all centralized around a single elevator). the windows are really really silly from an in-universe perspective but i can forgive that, especially since it’s finally fulfilling the promise that i mistakenly thought some vague blurry ME1 art made years ago- a central ops chamber with a full window view of the top part of the ship. and it’s pretty. Ryder’s bedroom is a lot nicer than Shepard’s, it’s a bedroom that’s much more my speed. i also think it’s funny that they had to rename the Tempest gun so the names didn’t conflict.

and then there’s the characters, and.... i mostly like them.

i’m a little mixed on Cora. she seems a little passive-aggressive. Drack is just store brand Wrex, but that’s not really a bad thing. i mean, could you live up to Urdnot Wrex? no, you couldn’t. so Drack doesn’t offend me, i like him. Tann absolutely sucks but he’s clearly supposed to suck.

but then you’ve got the characters who are on two opposite ends of the spectrum of likability: Vetra and Peebee.

holy shit Peebee sucks and i don’t want anything to do with her. she was one of those things i wasn’t able to avoid hearing about and yeah she sucks just as much as everyone said she does.

Vetra, meanwhile? i adore Vetra so much. i love her. the moment i met her, i just HAD to look her up on the wiki to see if i could romance her, and i was so elated when i saw she was an available bi romance.

and for that matter, i was soon pretty happy to discover the game’s selection of romances: three exclusively straight romances (Cora, Liam, Avela), two exclusively gay romances (Gil and Suvi), and five bi romances (Jaal, Vetra, the witch, Keri, and someone i haven’t met yet named Reyes). that’s a pretty solid mix! especially when the two straight romances are two humans and an Angaran, the two gay romances are both human, and the bi romances are two Asari, a female Turian, a human, and another Angaran. i think i’d adjust it slightly by making one of the straight romances bi, but aside from that, that’s... kinda perfect! this feels really well thought-out, like they tried to make the mix perfect (hell, making one of the Angarans exclusively straight but another one bi feels like they were trying to provide a serious cultural clue for them- namely, that sexual identity is a concept they have)! it’d also be perfect if everyone was bi, but perfect in a different way (pro: you don’t have to worry about sexuality at all, con: it’s kinda boring).

anyways, back to Vetra. it’s a little early to say, since i’ve barely even explored her romance, but........ while probably not my favorite romance (it’d take a lot to dethrone that current champion, Traynor, let alone the other high scorers Garrus and Tali), she’s probably pretty high up there. sassy Turian lady who plays dirty to get things done? hell, i love the Garrus romance so much despite being a lesbian, so i’m absolutely all for my character romancing a Turian with a dark side, and now we get someone other than Garrus to fill that role, and a lady at that! ME1 and ME2 didn’t have any female Turians and ME3 didn’t have nearly enough, and then ME:A just has so many. the same goes for female Salarians, too, actually, but it’s more understandable in-universe for Salarians considering how Salarian gender works. anyways, there’s more that i love about Vetra besides “she’s Garrus 2 but a girl now”, a lot more actually, but that core idea is really enough to get you on board with her, really.

(speaking of Garrus though, he was also the focal point of one of the game’s stupidest moments: at some point Ryder says “An impatient rookie, frustrated with procedure? That's overdone.” which like..... that’s clearly supposed to be making fun of Garrus?? who’s like, the literal most popular character in the franchise???? i’m sorry??? what??? it’s like they’re trying to piss the fandom off intentionally, and “creators intentionally trying to piss their fandom off” generally don’t earn much respect from me unless they’re indie, and even then it’s a tough sell)

but that Garrus thing is cancelled out by another cool thing: the Nexus. the core idea of the Nexus seems to be “the Andromeda Initiative decided to build their own Citadel”, and that’s really fucking cool. it’s interesting to see the challenges of getting something like the Citadel actually up and running, and the Nexus itself is pretty interesting, especially in comparing and contrasting between it and the Citadel. also it has a room dedicated to teaching any local species about the various Milky Way races, and it’s all technically accurate but also a little overly generous in how positive some things are (“Turian culture is proof that peace will always win out!” “Humans may be diverse, but we choose to celebrate that diversity rather than let it divide us!”). and also i love that they actually let you listen to the info about humans as if you weren’t a human yourself because one of my favorite things about ME worldbuilding is how much it feels like humanity is just another one of the races that exists in this world, and humanity are really only the “protagonists” of the story because Shepard/Ryder is human.

[sattickate]

Heathers: The Television Pilot

So I watched the pilot for the Heathers show yesterday. It's not faithful to the original film at all. like it goes in a completely different direction - more SJW than maintaining the "status quo" like in the film, that said, I didn't hate it.

I won't be watching the rest of the series because it's not my thing. It's Heathers in concept only, not plot. It does make some references to the original (quoting famous lines, big fun is a chip brand, the new happiness posters, the original score), but it very much is a departure from the film. And it is for that reason that I can't place it on the same level as the film or even the musical. 

Though it's not outright terrible, it's not a cult classic from and set in the late 80s. This show may be "just" but it is so not "very".

(via my facebook page)

Naturally, I have a lot of opinions on Heathers, the television show. I say naturally because the film is my favourite movie of all-time. And, although I recorded a video commentary/analysis/comparison of the show in relation to the film and musical, I have no idea when I’ll get around to editing that or exactly how clear and concise my opinions will be.  So, going back to the medium at which I’m best, let me take the time to go into more detail about the show so far, my opinions on it in relation to the source material and the musical and how it would be as a stand-alone show. Future Katey coming to tell you that I did edit the video and here’s the link to watch it. 

Spoiler alert below the cut as I will be going into detail of the events of the entire pilot (as well as the film and music as a whole but if you haven’t seen those where have you been?). 

If you’d like a plot summary but don’t actually want to watch the episode.

TL;DR: below the cut, my analysis may be quite long so be prepared to read a lot.

Let’s just clarify some things right off the bat, the show is set in 2017/2018, not in 1988 as was the film (or in ‘89 like the musical). The slang has been updated to fit the time, for example, ‘very’ becomes ‘just’. References are made to the original film: big fun is now a brand of chips, there are “the New Happiness” posters hung on the walls of the school, some dialogue from the film is recycled or repurposed for the show, and (my favourite nod to the film) some of the original film score has been used (or slightly updated) for the show. [This last thing is a very minute detail, but I am such a sucker for the film’s score, so I appreciated that little touch.]

The opening is a bit graphic, to say the least.

Eight years prior to the main events of the episode, we are introduced to an adult woman in a red scrunchie. She has just doused her house in gasoline and lit the match when her husband and son come home. The father quickly runs into the house while the son stays in the car as the mother waves at him from her bedroom window then shoots herself from (under her chin/jaw) as her son is left watching the entire thing. It’s safe to assume the boy in the car is JD because, by the episode’s end, that assumption proves to be true.

So how similar is it to the film, really?

Not very. Not very at all. OK despite my ass clinging to the use of the word very for dear life now, the show honestly has very little to do with the source material. One could speculate that Shannen Doherty’s character (JD’s mother who commits suicide in the show’s cold open) might be someone from the original film and that’s how they could be linked. Otherwise, there’s not much similarity to the original beyond the basic concept and shared character names. And the references. There are loads of references to the source material - not so much to the musical - but you’d be hardpressed to forget this is a reboot with all the allusions to the original.

Why are the diverse characters the villains?

I have no fucking clue. In the narrative, it’s because people who are different are now popular. 

Heather Chandler (HC) is fat (or as the show calls it “body positive” as if to say fat is a bad word and only overweight people can be body positive) and she appears to be into a more blackmail centred version of social justice. And she’ll continue to blackmail people even after her “death” it seems - if the sneak peek at the end of the episode’s any indication. 

Heather Duke (HD) is our genderqueer character, and we see she/her pronouns being used (I can’t recall if other pronouns were also used for Duke). She basically copies HC in that blackmail approach to social justice and she’s secretly very envious of HC

Heather McNamara (HM) is our biracial Heather, she is also supposedly a lesbian, but we see her making out with one of her male teachers in the parking lot of Snappy’s Snack Shack. HD catches her in this act and claims that HM is not actually LGBTQ+ (sexuality is fluid though so maybe HM is another type of WLW. Though, by the way, this show is going HD seems correct in her assumption that HM is straight).

Outside of this narrative though it doesn’t make any sense. We could have gotten a POC Veronica and/or JD (who they seem to be making more of an antihero than outright psychopath), or they could have gender-bent JD and made Veronica WLW to provide diversity in a way that doesn’t villainise the diverse.

Trying to Flip the Script

As I said above, they seem to want to make JD more of an antihero than the psychopathic killer he was in the film. And I noticed this was something they tried to do in the musical too. They may not have gone as far as making him an anti-hero in the musical, but they were definitely trying to make him a more sympathetic character.

In the film, there’s this element of mystery to him. What was his past? When did he start killing? Was HC his first or was framing murders as suicides always his M.O.? The film alludes to his mother’s presumed suicide as the catalyst for his strange fascination with death but it never comes out an says it. Maybe I like that because it’s also left a little ambiguous to how JD’s mother died. We all know he said it was a suicide - “she walked into a building right before my dad blew it up.” - but was that the whole truth? Did she really decide to die in such a way? Was she lured into the building under false pretences (every time I watch the film, I’m very suspicious of JD’s dad, and I get the feeling that he may have murdered his wife)?

I suspect that if this show continues, and based on reviews, it’s not looking good, we’ll see more of that: how his mother died and why he is the way he is.

I also wonder how much of the other characters they plan to change. In the show, Veronica’s only label seems to be that she thinks of herself to be a “good person”. In the film, she was bored with where she was in the school’s social hierarchy. JD provided her with adventure that she wasn’t finding at school or with her friends. JD disrupted that status quo, and that’s what was so intriguing to her. In this show, though, the status quo has already been disrupted. The outsiders are insiders now.So what could JD possibly offer than changes her whole perspective?

Betty or Martha

Just as in the musical, it seems as though these two characters get combined. Unless they intend to introduce or make mention of Martha “dumptruck” Dunnstock later, it seems as though she’s been combined with Betty Finn.

As for Betty, she’s not the innocent one you loved from the film. This one seems to be quite envious of Veronica. She’s got a chip on her shoulder, and after HC’s not-really-death she delivers a eulogy on campus which seems to be setting her up as the next Heather - the new sheriff in town, as it were. Though HD and HM are fighting to claim the void that HC left as the school’s ruler, it seems by the next day, Betty would take it upon herself to claim this role. And I really don’t know how I feel about that.

In the film, Betty was Veronica’s past and a place she to which she longed to return. Betty was her life before the Heathers. And she longed for that simpler time. She was a pleasant reminder of what Veronica used to have and what she was trying to get back. Similarly, Martha was Veronica’s future. After dethroning HD, Veronica befriends Martha, and they plan to spend prom together watching movies and eating popcorn. The chaos is out of her life, and Martha offers her a chance of normality.

Having said that, my next question is, what will be Veronica’s relationship with HM? In the film, HM was the quietest of the Heathers and only really partook in events because the rest of the group was. After HD mocked her for her troubles [Poor Little Heather], she attempted suicide - which was quickly stopped by Veronica who spotted the signs. Their relationship grew in the film because of this event. There was genuine caring and support that Veronica had with HM that she didn’t have with the other Heathers and I wonder if that will ever be explored in the show. I would love to see Veronica being friends with HM and Martha in the show, if the show doesn’t die a quick death, because those were the relationships that were being created at the end of the film so we didn’t get the chance to explore them further. Veronica saw the pain these women were having and made an effort to befriend and help them after they had both attempted suicide. That is something that would be really cool to explore, but I doubt they ever will.

Wait, so Heather Chandler didn’t die?

She did not. The final moments of the episode flashback to earlier that day where HC wakes up in the morning after having smashed through her table and seemingly died the previous night. At first, she’s pissed and is prepared to make Veronica and JD’s lives a living hell, that is, until she checks her phone and realises just how much more popular she has become now that people believe her to be dead. 

And that’s where we leave things. We get a little sneak peek of episodes to come. HC will seemingly blackmail Veronica and JD to help bring about “justice” for her. Which appears to take the form of killing other students and framing them as suicides at HC’s request.

Final Thoughts

I think this could have been a really cool show had certain monikers not been attached. This show is both trying to pay homage to the film and be its own thing, and I feel like that could lead to its downfall. If the character had different names, this could be a really cool stand-alone show. The plot of the show will obviously have to deviate from the film to allow for multiple episodes, so it’s really only similar in a general concept and sporting characters with identical names to the film and musical.

Had this show been a looser adaptation/reboot or had it only been inspired by the film I could see it having a much longer life than it probably will. While I love the allusions to the film, this show is a drastic departure, and although I don’t hate it and could admire it as it’s owe thing (had the title been different and the characters’ names changed), I won’t be watching it any further.

If I’m a “stan” for anything, it would be the 1988 cult classic on which this show is based. But I just feel that the show is both trying really hard to be it’s own unique thing while also trying to be a love-letter to the film and I think that’s where it’s going to struggle.

[fetwmhbgmwbr]

September 21, 2020

I didn’t get to the second half of the post I wanted to write yesterday, so I’ll try to tackle it now. I’m happy with what distract me, though; my roommate and I got into a pretty interesting discussion of Polish phonology, as nerdy as that sounds. He’s Polish and we’re both half-Linguistics majors, so it’s at least explicable, but it still sounds funny even to me as I wrote that sentence! 

To get right to it, I’m going to meet with my professor of Early African American Literature on Wednesday morning over Zoom. She wants to get to know us as well as answer any questions we might have about the course, things we’ve done so far, and things we’re going to do. Here’s what I’ve thought about mentioning to her so far:

We listened to Toni Morrison’s 1993 Nobel Prize speech in my Intro to Literary Studies class, and it had a similar, sermon-like quality that reminded me of MLK’s “The Drum Major Instinct” that we had listened to in Early African American Literature a few days prior.

Individually, I’ve been reading more Black authors because of the current social climate regarding the Black Lives Matter movement. I brought with me to college James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time and Notes of a Native Son, as well as Angela Davis’ Women, Race & Class, all three of which I’ve finished. I don’t think I read them critically, though. It was more of a “these are the important texts I’ve heard people recommend, I should read them for the sake of reading them” situation. So, I want to revisit them, and I’d love her perspectives or some guiding questions as I revisit them. 

The Angela Davis book in particular I wanted to mention because it gives a pretty thorough overview of the confluence of the gender, racial, and class equality/justice movements, and she talks about lots of figures whose work is on the syllabus for this class. Again, I think I should re-read it to get a better idea of what they stood for, but that actually leads me into my next question.

I’m interested in my professor’s style of reading. I’ve had an internal debate for a while about how I should read these books that I know have had a profound impact on the world, but I can’t see which pros outweigh the cons of any one method. 

The first would be to just read it straight through, no notes, not necessarily breaking it into chunks so you have time to reflect on it. The bonus is you can get through books quickly, but the downside is you might miss out on a lot of the significance and meaning of it. I feel like it’s the most appropriate way to read novels, but it’s not suitable for non-fiction and essays like I’ve been reading.

The second is to read less at a time, breaking it into manageable pieces so you have time to reflect on what you’ve understood as well as what you haven’t. But, still no notes. This one is a nice middle ground because it doesn’t necessarily disrupt the reading experience with jotting down notes, but you still build in time to engage with it. The downside, which is even more severe in the last method, is that it takes longer. I generally like what I’m reading, so forcing myself to take it slow and let it sit overnight can be anathema. 

The last method is to read in smaller chunks again, and either annotate or take notes as you go. I personally hate annotation, I like my books to look clean so I can re-read them easily, loan them to friends, that kind of thing. But, I could use a notebook or post it notes to jot down my thoughts as I go. This one, I theorize, would be best to actually understand what you’re reading; it’s almost a metacognitive strategy to probe your mind as you’re taking in information to see what connections you make. The downside is, it’s very labor-intensive, so reading for fun would turn more into reading for interest, which is still good but is, necessarily, different. Now that I consider it, though, I don’t think that the smaller sections would bother me then, because I’ve put in the effort to understand it as I go along. I would probably stop when I get tired, and at that point I wouldn’t want to keep going, anyways.

An alternative approach would be to read everything through once, at the pace I want, with no notes, just to get an impression and feel the cadence of the author that I’d miss going analytically. That being said, once I’ve finished it once, I would go through again with a fine-tooth comb and then do the analysis, so I get the best of both worlds. The very clear downside with this one is, I have to read everything twice, and the second time will take a significant amount of time. With longer books, the idea of reading it twice alone makes me irritable. I suppose I could do this method by chapter or section, so that I can still feel the energy of the book but I don’t have to read it start to finish twice. 

The last debate I want to settle about reading is the age-old question, should I read two books at once? I did that a lot as a kid, I think with the Percy Jackson series and whatever else I could get my hands on, but now my personality has changed so that I can’t imagine reading two books at once, unless it’s for school. I know some people like to read a serious book and a fun book at the same time, which makes sense to me, but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how I would keep everything straight!

The James Baldwin essays I’ve read, as well as Ta-Nehisi Coates’ Between the World and Me, introduced me to the concept that race is totally arbitrary. Yes, people have different skin tones, physical features, cultures, and customs, but the broad classifications of “white” and “black” are totally made up. Baldwin and Coates call white people some variant of “people who believe they are white,” and I thought that was a very interesting point. I did an exercise in a high school diversity club once where we were asked to write five things that described us on a balloon. When we went around, all of the Black Americans in the room, as well as some Black Caribbean and African boarding students, had written “Black” as one of their descriptors, most Jewish kids had written “Jewish” for themselves, but not a single white kid identified themself by the color of their skin. The point my teacher wanted to make was that race doesn’t actually matter unless it’s been used against you. To relate it to this Early African American Literature course, I’ve been surprised by how little Marrant, Lee, Terry, and Hammon openly discussed race. It could have been a business decision, they might not have been published if they had written openly and aggressively about race. But I also wonder, and it’s the Christian perspective of the sermon pieces and the anti-Native American perspective of the other two that make me think this, if the black and white distinction wasn’t as strong yet. I know that American slavery was already in effect, and had been for more than a century, so I can’t imagine that this was the case, but I’m curious about that. I imagine Angela Davis might say that the distinction hadn’t been made yet because there was no economic (read, capitalist) reason for it: there was no threat to the existing power structure from free Black Americans as long as the Native Americans and non-Christians were bigger outcasts. But, I have no clue if that’s an accurate analysis, or even if Davis would agree with the words I just put in her mouth. 

The last possible point of conversation is that I have signed up for the book club my professor is leading, where we’ll read Bernardine Evaristo’s Girl, Woman, Other. I joined because I’ve always wanted to try out a book club, and the book sounds like it will fit with my current goal of reading stories that, essentially, my parents would never touch. I don’t know how the club works, so I could ask that, and I'm also interested in hearing why they chose this novel out of the whole, wide world of literature. 

Now that I’ve written way too much, I don’t think I’ll try to pare down into a plan of what to talk about. I’ve developed my ideas by writing this, so hopefully when I join the Zoom call and say hi, the conversation will flow naturally and I’ll never be at a loss for words. 

[sebeth]

Warning, Spoilers Ahead…

Brande Industries Headquarters, Brande Asteroid

Marla receives a message from “Reep Daggle, Chairman of the Board”: “I wanted to let you know we managed to get off Mordru’s planet alive and intact.  The old bastard marooned us on Grocz as a little parting gesture but we caught a freighter soon enough and ended up on Zirr.  We’re now taking a little R&R.  We got Mysa back, and as a bonus, Rond Vidar.  Both of them have really been through hell.  But Rond seems to have taken it pretty much in stride. He seems to be doing fine.  He and Rokk are off right now with Laurel on some mysterious little errand.”

Let’s recap Rond’s imprisonment on Mordru’s planet – his mouth was sealed/removed while creatures constantly feasted on him!  It’s a perfect example of a “and now I must scream” fate except he didn’t have the option of screaming!  And Rond simply shakes it off as another day at the office?  That is an intense amount of will and inner strength of character. Of course, Rond is a Green Lantern and those attributes are the basic job description.

Reep continues: “Mysa, on the other hand…whatever she went through with Mordru, I think it’s taken its toll.  She’s really not communicating, just drawing into herself more.  But damn it. We got her out, Marla.  We stuck our heads into Mordru’s choppers and pulled the woman out!”

Mysa is clearly suffering from long-term domestic abuse.  Add in the guilt of standing by and doing nothing as Mordu tortured Rond and committed numerous other atrocities.  The death of Blok, a very close friend, is another emotional trauma. Mysa has a long road to recovery ahead of her.

Reep informs Marla: “Our next stop is Winath.  You heard about Blok, didn’t you?  We just got the word.  Guess we’ll have to make another trip to Shanghalla.  Bloody Nass, I hate those trips.”

Marla: “That Reep is something else.  Hard to believe the way he’s grown up to be so much like his father.  It seems like just yesterday that Reep was this shy, scared Durlan kid.  Hell, it seems like just yesterday that his father was a shy, scared Durlan kid.”

Flashback time!

2949, the Old Metropolis Spaceport:

“Reep’s come a long way, but then, so did his father.  Hard to believe it’s been 45 years…man, that takes me back! It was at the old Metropolis Spaceport.  God, I haven’t thought about ‘the Old Cathedral’ in years!  It was just like the rest of Metropolis back then – proud, old, dying.  I, on the other hand, was young, stupid, and idealistic.  Boy, those were crazy cays – working on the docks, trying to earn that diploma on my breaks…”

This may be the first time we’ve received any information on Marla besides “faithful sidekick to R.J.”

Tayla, Marla’s co-worker and crush, bursts into Marla’s workstation: “Those monsters! Marla, you’ve got to do something!  Those inhuman beasts!  They’re torturing that poor Durlan!”

“A Durlan! Where’d he come from?!”

“I don’t know! He just popped up outta nowhere!  What difference does it make?  I’ll get the S.P’s – you stop them!”

Marla attempts to stop his co-workers only to receive a beating of his own.

Marla’s interruption allows the Durlan to escape the energy field and fight off the men.

Marla helps the Durlan escape from the Spaceport: “I didn’t know what in the cosmos to do with a Durlan. They were less popular then than they are now.  But I did know one Durlan: Theg, merchant, entrepreneur, smuggler.

Pre-5 years later, Theg was R.J. Brande’s cousin and would later assume the “Doyle” identity.  Doyle would order the assassination of R.J that led to the formation of the Legion of Super-Heroes.

The Durlan speaks to Theg.  Theg reacts: “Holy Nass!  Nobody speaks that dialect anymore!  Your friend doesn’t remember where he came from – total amnesia.”

The above sentences were a significant clue if you were also reading the L.E.G.I.O.N. series that took place in the 20th century.

Did the Durlan actually have amnesia or is he covering for his unfamiliarity with the situation?  Did he even recognize Theg’s “Durlan” form?                                                                                                                                                                Theg agrees to send the Durlan to Durla: “Hmmm…a little slave labor might be nice.  Okay – what the Nass – it’s a deal!”

Marla remembers: “What I didn’t know – for the next 35 years anyway – was that I’d had just had my first meeting with R.J. Brande!  And I wasn’t going to see him again, in any guise, for another 15 years – because things were not destined to go well on Durla.

“As R.J. would tell me many years later, he and Theg found Durla to be more paranoid and hostile than ever.  Once they snuck back planetside, there was no way they were going to get off Durla. They were stuck!”

I’m surprised Theg accompanied R.J. back to Durla.  Theg was the boss of his operation – this seemed to be a job for lackeys.  It does provide a nice villainous origin for Theg – he went form an affluent crime-lord to being stuck on a superstitious, backwards hell-hole.

R.J. had to be in severe culture shock – a thousand years had passed since the last time he was on Durla.

“Rene J. Brande spent about ten unhappy years stranded there, miserable in the intolerant, brutal culture.  The only good thing that happened was Zhay, Theg’s sister.  Rene and Zhay mated, impregnated each other.”

I like this detail on Durlan physiology – what’s gender to a race of shapeshifters?  Does sexism even exist in races of shapeshifters – Durlans, Skrulls, Martians, etc?  

I bet R.J gave birth to Reep and Zhay gave birth to Liggt.

Liggt is a creation of the Five Years Later era.  The previous Mordru issues detailed his fate – killed by Reep in a duel to the death as a rite of passage.  Liggt’s death gives Reep’s desire to escape Durla a grimmer motivation.  It changes from “I’m going show the universe that Durlans are heroic” to “I’m leaving this backwards culture that forces me to kill my own brother!”

I’d run from Durla too!

R.J and Theg’s relationship changed from cousins to brothers-in-law.        

“But like everything else on Durla, the relationship was poisoned by paranoia.  Theg had brought back Yorggian fever, a disease fatal to Durlans unless treated by U.P. science…and the Durlans didn’t know or care about the U.P.’s cure.  Zhay died.”

I find it more likely that R.J. would be the cause of the Yorggian fever outbreak.  He is the one transported form the 20th century – he would have viruses, bacteria, and microbes that hadn’t been seen in a thousand years on Durla – a very isolated planet.  

“Rene and Theg were sent into quarantine with the sure knowledge that someday they would lose their Durlan abilities and be frozen in one shape forever. Rene’s offspring, Reep and Liggt, were turned over to another one of Theg’s sisters, Ji.  She raised them as her own.”

This issue nicely explains Theg’s eventual heel turn on R.J.  Since meeting R.J., Theg has lost:

1)      His affluent lifestyle and freedom.

2)      His sister.

3)      His ability to shapeshift – an essential part of being Durlan.

“Meanwhile, life in exile brought Rene and Theg in contact with Durla’s seamiest side…and the one element ruthless and crazy enough to flout Durla’s strictest laws and smuggle Rene and Theg off-planet. They were putting their lives on the line, but Rene and Theg really had no choice.  To survive physically, they had to gen ongoing treatments of Yorggian fever.  And to survive spiritually, they had to get back into the dynamic thinking and open perspectives of the U.P. worlds. Of course, that open-mindedness didn’t always extend to Durlans.  But compared to the intolerance of Durla, this was nothing. And adversity never dampened Rene’s spirit. Adversity fueled it.”

R.J. establishes his fortune while we switch to Marla: “By this time, 15 years had passed since I’d seen that scared Durlan.  The gorgeous Tayla never noticed me again, but she got noticed by some shipping magnate.  Ended up married to him and running his company. But I’d done okay for myself: Found a wife just as beautiful. I was now running the docks, and those other guys were taking orders from me. Then one day, everything changed…”

R.J. Brande, owner of Brande Industries, creator of the star-birthing industry, offers Marla a high-level job.  R.J. states “My cousin, Theg, uh, Doyle is spending more time on well, other pursuits.  We need some new blood, a hard worker with a fresh perspective.”

Marla happily accepts the offer.

“Unfortunately, I quickly found out why Rene needed someone to fill in for Doyle…”

We see Doyle hosting a hot-tub party in his office.

“The Brande empire mushroomed, and Rene flourished in his success.  But Doyle couldn’t handle it.  The less Doyle did, the worse he did it.  Rene really had no choice…”

“Marla, we’re going to have to buy Doyle out.”

“Sir, at these prices, he certainly can’t complain.”

“He’ll be very happy…for a while.  And then he’ll burn up all the money, and, I’m afraid, that will be the end of him.”

“Don’t blame yourself, sir.  You did everything you could to straighten him out.  We all did.”

“But it wasn’t enough, was it?”

Doyle accepts the buy-out, runs out of money, and threatens R/J.

R.J. wonders what he is going to give back to the universe: “I was put here to do something more important than make money!  You can’t take more than you give!  The universe doesn’t like that!  And it’s time I started giving like I’ve been taking!”

Mon-El’s image appears on the screens in R.J.’s office.  Mon-El/Valor has replaced Superboy as the inspiration for the Legion in the Five Years Later era.

Marla’s responsibilities increase as R.J. focuses on collecting 20th century memorabilia and memory treatments on Titan.

The “memory treatments” indicate that R.J. truly had amnesia when he arrived in the 30th century.  The focus on the 20th century memorabilia indicates the treatments are working.

Marla urges R.J. to take a private shuttle for his trip.

R.J. responds: “Never! Personal contact is the ticket, Marla! Never lose touch with the common being!”

Every Legion fan knows what happens next – Doyle orders an assassination attempt that is foiled by Imra Ardeen, Garth Ranzz, and Rokk Krinn: “We’re told that bystanders, perhaps Brande’s bodyguards, anticipated the attack. The young girl in this scene, evidently from Titan, used telepathy to warn Brande. And another youth apparently disabled the sniper with an energy blast. The youth was possibly assisted by a Braalian companion.”

R.J. returns to his office full of inspiration: “Now I know how I’m supposed to give something back!  I’m going to build a team, Marla…of super-powered youths! It can be done, verdammit! Like Lar Gand here – just about saved the 20th century, and he was still a teen-ager!  Marla, I’m envisioning an entire group of Lar Gands – an organization! And I want you to make it happen! Ha-ha! Won’t those kids be surprised!”

The next two pages consist of the three founding Legionnaires giving and receiving suggestions of needed equipment and uniforms.

Rokk: “Pink? I thought I asked for pale scarlet!”

Marla: “But that is pale scarlet…”

The uniforms are the original ones from the Legion’s first appearance so Saturn Girl’s uniform is black, green, and yellow as opposed to her classic red and white color scheme.

The founders attempt to capture Doyle but he escapes.

Garth: “A jet pack – he got away with a jet pack! That’s what we need!”

Rokk: “We also need a lot of training.”

Marla: “That was pretty much the attitude of the Science Police.  At best, they were leery of Rene’s little project…”

The Legion improves and “The Legion was given official status by the United Planets.

Phantom Girl and Triplicate Girl simultaneously audition and receive membership.

Marla notes: “The Phantom Girl is promising.  She’s even broken up a spy ring.”

Marla comments that the first five members have “captured Lucifer, seized the Concentrator, even saved the Eyth system…”

R.J. asks Marla: “Have you ever thought about recruiting a Durlan for our little group?” Marla: “It’s funny that you should suggest that!  I was just thinking how it could counteract the prejudice they face.”

R.J.: I…uh…have a particular candidate in mind…”

Is the brutality of the Durlan culture known across the universe?  The ability to shape-shift would bring its own level of fear and prejudice but knowledge of actual Durlan culture would only increase the levels of paranoia.  The knowledge of Durlan culture would actively work against any Durlan trying to leave his home planet and enter the universal society.

Marla meets with Reep Daggle: “I’m told you do a lot of volunteer work, Reep. From what I hear, you’re a regular hero, helping the poor, pitching in at orphanages, visiting the hospitals…what I’d like to know is why?”

Reep: “It’s…uh…kind of personal, actually.”

Marla: “I suppose the prejudice you’ve found against Durlans really hurts. You’re probably trying to do your best to overcome that bigotry.”

Reep: “Uh, kinda, but not really.  It’s just that…uh, it’s not the Durlans that are being hurt by this prejudice.  I’ve seen real prejudice.  It can, you know, poison an entire planet.  If it ever really takes off here, it’ll be your planet that’s ruined.”

Very insightful statement from Reep – Durlan culture is filled with its own superstitions and prejudices that limit their society.  A cure for Yorggian fever is literally a phone call away but they refuse to reach out to the United Planets.

Marla offers Reep membership in the Legion.

Reep: “Wow! The Legion! I probably should think about this…okay, I’m done thinking.  Where do I sign up?

“It was great to see that shy, young Durlan come out of his shell. Somehow he reminded me of another scared, shy Durlan I’d met many years earlier…but no, they couldn’t be connected…”

Back to the present time –

Marla informs his aide: “Get me Spiffany.  I’d better find out how our largest minority shareholder is going to react to the latest exploits of the Chairman of the Board.”

We switch to the planet Zirr –

Rokk and Rond converse while an unseen Laurel battles Khunds.

Rond: “I’m fine, really, Rokk. I mean, yeah, it was horrible.  I really can’t even begin to describe it.  But no matter how bad things get, you can make it through if you have something to hang on to.”

Rokk inquires on the Khund front lines.

Rond: “Yeah, that’s a real Durjfight, let me tell you.”

Rokk: “I guess we should all be in on that battle.”

Rond: “Well, Rokk, there’s enough trouble in what’s left of the U.P. to keep everyone busy.”

Rokk: “Y’know, Rond, those Khunds don’t much like Laurel, do they?”

Rond: “The feeling is mutual.  Khunds and Laurel go way back.

Rokk: “It’s too bad they’re threatening this little world – used to be a nice, friendly place.”

Rond: “I didn’t know you’ve been to Zirr before.”

Rokk: “Lar brought me out a couple times back in the old days, to visit his friends.  Nice guys. We should try to look them up, whenever we’re done doing…whatever it is that Laurel brought us here to do.”

The “Five Years Later” series does a nice job of establishing friendships among the Legionnaires. ��We knew the three founders were close and that Jo-Tinya-Lar-Tasmia were thick as thieves but before this series I never considered Rokk to be especially close to Jo or Lar.  This series shows that Rokk bought Jo an antique shaving set (a rather expensive gift) and took multiple trips to another planet with Mon-El.

Laurel re-joins the duo.

Rokk: “But you did bring us to Zirr for a reason, didn’t you?  Not that I don’t enjoy a little Khund-bashing myself…”

Laurel: “Go ahead, joke about it! You don’t have a d – Oh, that’s right.  I shouldn’t snap at you.  You don’t know yet, do you?”

The trio enter a run-down building.

Rond: “So, we’ve been using this little place as a little crash pad, when we need it, you know, to take a break from the wars and all that.”

Rokk: “Why, Rond, you little McCauley, you. Compared to my place on Braal, this layout is like a mansion.”

Rond: “Oh, sure, go ahead! Damn it with faint praise!”

A female Dominatior, with no dot on her forehead, enters the room.  She introduces herself as Englenna, the nanny.

Rokk: “Nanny? What’s a nanny doing here?”

Laurel, holding a baby, arrives: “Taking care of the baby, silly! Rokk, meet Lauren.”

Rokk: “A baby? Where did a baby come from?”

Laurel: “Well, dear, if you don’t know that by now, I’m not going to be the one to tell you.”

The Legion Parent Club is rapidly expanding.  Garth and Imra were the only members for the longest time but now we have Laurel and Rond and Lydda and Rokk will be joining shortly.

A female Dominator as a nanny is an unusual choice.  Do female Dominators have any power in their society.  It’s a rigid caste society.  I don’t think we’ve seen a female Dominator before Englenna. It’s important to note that lacks a red dot on her forehead so she doesn’t belong to a caste.  Are caretakers not worthy of a dot or is it women in general?

We end with “When You Wish Upon a Star: The Dream-Come-True Rise of R.J. Brande” from Assets Magazine, February 8, 2972 and a military transmission for King John.

“When You Wish Upon a Star” Notes:

1)      R.J. and Doyle formed Brande Industries in 2959.

2)      Brande Industries rose to the #6 spot on the Assets 5000 list of largest U.P. businesses within 6 years of its formation

3)      Leland McCauley was never a fan of Brande Industries: “Leland McCauley commented through a spokesman that he believes Brande’s lustrous image will eventually be tarnished. He points out Brande and his cousin have been extremely secretive about their lives prior to the formation of Brande Industries.

4)      “Indeed, almost nothing is known about the cousins prior to 2959. Company biographies say they grew up on an isolated colony in the Lallorian Territories.  After their families were decimated by an unspecified plague, the pair entered the U.P. space to seek their fortunes.

5)      “R.J., who’d quickly mastered the Stellar Sciences, was able to combine currently dormant techniques for both accumulating massive gasses and igniting those gasses, creating the new industry of star-birthing.”

6)      “The ignition of the three ‘Stepping Stone’ stars to the isolated colonies in the Rimbor System immediately brought BI enough cash to pay off all of its investors and acquire the additional capital needed to meet a sudden, huge demand for artificial stars.”

7)      “Brande also has his eyes on the future.  He’s a key financier of time-travel research and tele-psychic techniques being researched on Titan.”

I love how R.J. and Doyle’s cover story mirrors the truth:

1)      Isolated colony in the Lallorian Territories = quarantine on Durla

2)      Families decimated by unknown plague = Zhay dying of Yorggian fever

Brande’s interest in psychic techniques is due to his lost memories. I wonder if he ever entertained the thought of returning to the 20th century.  R.J. has children in the 30th century but what family, if any, did he leave behind in the 20th century?  Would he want to bring his relatives to the future?

“Highest Security Clearance.  High Commander’s Eyes Only”

The Khund has declared war on Laurel Gand: “…interference the Daxamite she-demon Laurel Gand has reached intolerable levels. She has stalled our holy crusade for nearly a term, and once again the human worms crawl through the soil of worlds that were rightfully conquered by our brave armies. There’s even a chance the Lallorian sector could be stolen from us as well, and that is unthinkable.”

“Her demonic rampages have ravaged our forces at a cost of billions. But no price tag can be placed on the damage being wrecked in our souls by this she-demon, who uses her diabolical powers to disgrace the brave armies’ virility.  Not only does this grotesquery refuse to fight us in a male guise, she further emasculates us by sparing our lives in battle and taking our valiant soldiers prisoner.”

“Our priests advise that the Daxamite is certainly a nemesis sent directly from the demon womb itself to test our worthiness, and must be forced into submission at all costs and through any means.”

“Therefore: High Command is suspecting all codes of behavior in any attack on Laurel Gand. The death penalty for hostage-taking, even of women, is lifted and those tactics are now sanctioned and encouraged.”

“Covert Operations must seize upon the she-demon’s one exposed flank – the child. All agents will concentrate their efforts on abducting the girl and using her weapon against our demonic nemesis.”

King Jonn’s footnote: “Full content of this intercepted transmission has been forwarded to Laurel Gand. We’ve offered her and the child troops for protection but she protests that the troops cannot be spared. Unfortunately, she is correct.”

Well, this explains the Khund house-clearing Laurel engaged in earlier. I’m amused by the Khunds being so flummoxed by Laurel that they justify their defeats by insisting she’s a demon. Is it so hard to admit you were beat by a girl?

[charles195]

This Body Is Yours Ch. 2

Fandom: Yuuri!!! On Ice

Summary: Destiny? Fate? Soulmates? Reincarnation Without the Death? Otabek mostly thought it was troublesome. They were individuals that had their own aspirations and goals to achieve, and having their souls intertwined by some unexplored metaphysical bond was taking a toll on the both of them.

Pairing: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky

Characters: Otabek Altin, Mila Babichieva, Yakov Feltsman, Victor Nikiforov, Yuri Plisetsky, Georgi Popovich, (Later) Unimportant OCs

Warnings: Body-swap, Body Insecurities

Words: 7k+

Chapter 1

Yuri was having that wonderful dream, again. It was the one where his windows had curtains instead of noisy blinds that clattered at the slightest breeze and he woke up when the sun wasn’t dawdling in the horizon instead of when his phone alarm shattered his fantasies. He stayed in bed for much longer than the ten blissful minutes that came before his next alarm told him to get ready for the day. Naturally being tugged out of sleep by the gentle rays of light was calming. It would waste what little time he had with this dream if he stayed in bed forever, though, so he got out of bed.

He felt heavy. His perspective, too, was a lot higher than it usually was. The room, too, was clean like it was when he last woke up. He curiously checked the dressers and they were organized in the same fashion, but with different clothes. He figured that he might as well set things to its natural order since it was his dream, so he flung the clothes in the general direction of where he remembered they last were. Once the drawers were empty, he searched for his practice outfit.

He kicked a pair of boxers. Everything was the wrong size. Or perhaps it wasn’t. Once, when he and Victor went shopping together, he was frustrated about the men’s sizes being too big for him. Victor said that in Soviet Russia, the sizes weren’t wrong. Rather, the body was wrong for not fitting into the sizes. He wasn’t joking. Their discussion at the time was about the media’s different manifestations of discrimination. It was intellectually stimulating, actually.

“Maybe I’m self-aware enough to lucid dream?” Yuri wondered aloud. He cleared his throat. His voice was never that deep. “Would I be able to--wait, if this is my voice and these are my clothes…” He scanned the room for his cellphone, because if this was his dream then he had to have his phone somewhere in his immediate vicinity, which was on the nightstand. Thank goodness it was still an iPhone. He opened up the camera and flipped the view so he could see himself.

Yuri wasn’t too surprised that he was in the body of a tall, masculine guy with an undercut. It seemed ideal enough for a utopian concoction in his own dream subconscious. It was just so detailed. He could even feel the bulges of muscle when he flexed his arms. Maybe he was suppressing his issues about his real body too much. All he wanted was for this fantasy to not distort into something that resembled a Charles Dickens-Ray Bradbury-Stephen King-Rod Serling nightmare.

He went into what he assumed was his bathroom--nope, that’s a closet. A tiny one, at that. He went into the actual bathroom to study his face in the mirror more closely. He mentally patted his brain on its metaphorical back for the undercut. It was a nice touch. The sharp jawline, too, was incredibly handsome. “I had this dream last time, too, didn’t I?”

His next actions were obvious. He left to practice at the ice rink as soon as he was ready.

He expected St. Petersburg when he stepped out of the apartment, or at least some part of Russia he was already familiar with. He honestly had no idea where he was, anymore, or what any of the signs around him said. Unfortunately, it seemed that his lucid dreaming skills weren’t strong enough to magically skip to the part where he was at the ice rink. “What the hell is this bullshit?”

According to Google Maps, he was in… a place that used some Turkic language because he couldn’t read shit. He changed the language settings. Much better. According to Google Maps, he was in Almaty, Kazakhstan. The surrounding mountains were nice and all, but Yuri didn’t sign up to be a different country along with his different body and life. Russia was already so big; it really wasn’t necessary to live in Kazakhstan in this very inconvenient dream. At least the ice rink was close.

Yuri had no idea what the friendly old man was saying to him, but apparently he was supposed to go by Otabek. Silently nodding was enough to get that man (his coach?) off his back. He had no idea where the dance studios were, if there were any at all at this particular ice rink, so he just stretched in the locker room.

He nearly pulled a muscle just from attempting to get into his usual position for the butterfly stretch. His thighs hurt like he had never stretched them at all, before. He was usually able to lay forward on his chest during the butterfly stretch, but now he couldn’t even bring his feet in any less than six inches without cursing. He was smart enough to take the stretch slowly after the initial shock, hoping that it would get a lot more easier as he warmed up, but it was hopeless. All of the years of stretching he worked on in his original body was useless here. (But in the first place, he shouldn’t have been able to feel such searing pain without waking up.)

He grunted stubbornly as he tried to push his knees down. “This body is terrible!” Lesson learned: Yuri can’t be a handsome, masculine skater that is also flexible and graceful like a ballerina. This was the part where he woke up, called Victor at 3 a.m., and suffered the I told you so lecture from the senior skater. Yes, he should cherish what he had instead of focusing on his insecurities. If he ever found a genie lamp, he would definitely not wish that he complied with gender roles or submitted to toxic masculinity. He’d buy a pink tutu as soon as he woke up to emphasize just how learned this valuable lesson was.

But just like real life, there was no waking up. He pinched himself and bit his tongue, yet he was still stuck. “I’m a really deep sleeper, aren’t I? Well, if this really is the ‘reality’ of my desires, then I’ll just make myself flexible again. It’s not like that was never an option.”

It was frustrating to have his muscles scream at the simplest positions, like touching his toes, but it wasn’t that bad. It only made sense that a body with longer limbs and fuller muscles was severely less flexible than his original body, especially given that “Otabek” didn’t seem to do ballet for off-ice training. Rather, starting all over again from the beginning was refreshing. He was on a new adventure to regain everything he lost, but with a new background and new environment. His old restrictions were gone, replaced by new obstacles that he knew exactly how to overcome.

Yuri’s body may change, but his mindset won’t.

Yuri checked his (Otabek’s) phone while he straightened his back in the straddle stretch. Truly, the best way to get to know someone was to look at their browsing history. There were a lot of videos of his past performances there, as in, Yuri Plisetsky’s previous programs, all from various years and competitions. That didn’t help answer the question of who Otabek Altin was, except maybe that he happened to be one of Yuri’s Angels.

He wasn’t sure what to make of that, so he kept scrolling down: motorcycle chain lube reviews, weather in Almaty, Beethoven Violin Concerto, damdy-nan recipe, define insanity, out of body experience, Freaky Friday, how to start a fire with water… He felt like he knew Otabek a little better, but it wasn’t enough. He kept digging through the apps (no games, no social media, three graphing calculators?) until he found a diary. He thanked Apple for automatically translating all the entries to Russian.

He leaned over to his left leg and reached for his foot with one hand. He hated how far it was. Once he managed to hold onto his foot, he kept breathing deeply and focused on the diary to distract himself from how much he wanted to stop. The stretch one avoided the most was the one that one needed the most. Otabek was avoiding all the stretches and that was a crime Yuri had to atone for if he was going to occupy Otabek’s body in his dreams.  

Tuesday’s entry was boring. “3 mile run. 100 jumping jacks. 50 pushups. 50 sit-ups. 75 crunches. 1 minute plank. Two hours at gym. Triple axel is cleaner, so is quadruple toe loop, but quadruple Salchow is still a struggle,” he read aloud. Yuri rolled his eyes. He thought diaries were supposed to be more scandalous than recording a workout routine. He scanned through the rest of that day’s entry because he understood already, Otabek works out and stunning bodies don’t bloom overnight. The very bottom caught his eye. “Even though I kept myself busy all day, the uneasiness from yesterday will not subside. I can only hope that such a phenomenon is not recurring.”

He swung over to his right leg, passing through the middle, and rested his cheek on his right knee despite how much his legs protested. It was something he did out of habit and it would pay off later as long as Yuri didn’t pull anything.

There was no entry for Monday. How conveniently vague. Yuri supposed Otabek was smart to write in such a manner, in case someone (Yuri) happened to read the diary. If he cared so much about privacy, he should’ve had a password on his phone.

At least they both agreed that something strange happened on Monday that neither of them could describe.

Yuri still had no clue what Otabek’s coach was saying and judging from the coach’s tone and body language, a simple nod wasn’t going to cut it forever. He had just finished stretching and the coach started saying words to him. There were so many words. “Can you speak Russian?” he finally asked. Yuri had a plan, kind of. He knew that Russian was a co-official language in Kazakhstan and he was just going to wing it from there.

“Of course, why?”

The clouds opened up and a choir of angels sang a heavenly chord.

“Speak only Russian to me, from now on. I want to practice that language.”

The coach was impressed by that. “Of course. As I was saying, your jumps are strong, but you still lack the proper grace to make your choreography flow well…”

Yuri was also impressed by himself. He couldn’t believe he managed to pull that off. “I will be more graceful, from now on.”

“That will be the focus of today’s session. I understand that you’re not a typical figure skater. You started late, you lack the ballet fundamentals that every skater practices every day, and you struggle every day… Otabek, you are severely disadvantaged, but I ask you, what is a hero without weakness?”

Yuri withheld a smirk. The thought of him, an addict of winning, being disadvantaged in the skating world was too laughable. He wanted to look around and ask who the hell was being described because Yuri Plisetsky did not struggle, had no disadvantages, and wasn’t in the mood for lame rhetorical questions. “A hero without weakness? That’s the goal.” He walked away and glided onto the ice.

The coach watched from the side. “Show me the most natural skating you know, and we’ll go from there.”

Yuri stared at the coach blankly. They were speaking the same language now, but he still couldn’t understand what the hell the coach meant by his “most natural” skating. Maybe everyone was vague in Kazakh. No wonder Otabek struggled so much. He turned to face the coach with his hands on his hips, skating backwards. “Is my current skating unnatural?”

“When you perform, you have less than ten minutes to leave an impression on the judges. They’re eager to see you. Your natural skating is more than what your choreography wants you to do. It is the movements you resort to when you need something expressed.”

Very profound. Also, very extraneous. Even the melodramatic Victor could have said the same thing without the speech. Skate for me, Victor would have pleaded as he trailed his feather-light fingers along Yuri’s jaw before tilting his chin up so he could see the same three words reflected in those eyes of Victor, which were as clear of a blue as the swatches of sky that peeked behind the cloudy skies of St. Petersburg in winter and gazed down at him like--

Yuri chose to skate Georgi’s 2015 short program as an inside joke. Georgi’s theme that year was “Said, But Not Spoken.” His inner monologue while he skated that program was probably about not being able to express his love for his girlfriend Anya properly, or something equally repulsive. In Yuri’s case, he would be thinking about how little sense there was in the new world he woke up in.

He forgot the song Georgi skated to. Yuri only paid attention to the story Georgi unfolded when he practiced his program. Georgi had a way of skating his love for Anya so blatantly that it made him uncomfortable. There was no other interpretation to read other than the one Georgi performed for the audience. Yuri could hear the exact thoughts running through his rinkmate’s mind with every sharp movement and intense facial expression. He felt like he was at a theater whenever Georgi skated. He always told Georgi that it wasn’t a good idea to base his themes around his girlfriend or he might retire when they broke up because his muse would be gone. Unfortunately, Georgi was a fool that believed in Happily Forever After.

Triple axel. Yuri was surprised he was able to nail the landing in an unfamiliar body. The body must know how to perform triple axels, too.

The coach clapped furiously. Yuri stopped skating. In less than two minutes, Yuri’s grace was proven. He was hoping that their session was done now so he could see test what good Otabek’s muscles really were on the ice.

“I am impressed…”

That was a relief. Yuri didn’t want to explain that he only knew the chunks of the program that he liked the most and wouldn’t have been able to skate an entire cohesive performance. Yakov wouldn’t have even let him past the entrance into the opening pose. Georgi would have tackled him and stolen the show to show Yuri how it was “really” done.

“Now, show me your most natural skating, and we’ll go from there, Otabek.” There was a slight emphasis in the name that hinted, perhaps, this wasn’t a silly dream about a silly life. “That kind of grace does not belong to you. It’s what may seep into your bones after years of experience and sustains the image I saw like lifeblood. You may be afflicted with it right now, like a curse, but it is not yours.”

Yuri tried to tuck hair behind his ear that wasn’t there. He didn’t like this coach at all. Good was good, no matter who skated it or how, and there was no way his gracefulness could have been logically misinterpreted as a mere fluke. If that was the way this coach wanted to play, then so be it. “What is my natural skating? I have forgotten it to pursue grace.”

The coach’s expression did not betray disappointment. Yuri had no reason to feel a pang in his heart for asking. He didn’t care about sticking to a certain style like it was set in stone. Versatility was essential in the skating world. Identity was just a name and a reputation.

“It is valiance when you’re the only one fighting.”

Yuri wondered how close he could get to imitating that on the ice; he wasn’t sure what a hero without weaknesses was supposed to be, anymore.

Otabek had no idea how he was supposed to get anything done with so little time, but he wasn’t really Otabek anymore because he was in Yuri’s body trying to follow Yuri’s schedules and trying so hard to live up to Yuri’s expectations. He was familiar with the old adage about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. It was why he looked at whoever addressed him in the eyes and politely responded back. Life was hard. The whips and scorns of time turned a blind eye to no one. The only new thing he was learning was that Yuri Plisetsky’s life was especially hard.

Cleaning Yuri’s room helped a lot, even if it was a little bit messier than when he left it. Being able to see with both eyes was also a great advantage. Yuri’s hair (Otabek’s, for now) was up in a tiny ponytail while he, Otabek in Yuri’s body trying to do things the way Yuri would have done them, rushed out of the house.

He bumped into four-time gold medalist of the World Championships and Grand Prix Finals Victor Nikiforov on his front step. Otabek was in a dream, he swore, but the arms squeezing his tiny body were too real to deny. They (Yuri and Victor, certainly not Otabek and Victor) followed each other on every social media they had, had nicknames for each other, and were even on a regular hugging basis. He awkwardly let himself be squeezed by the man he envied deeply.

“Dobroye utro, kotyonok!” Victor greeted.

That meant “Good morning, kitten” in Russian. Otabek felt accomplished for knowing that much. His Russian was rusty. “Dobroye utro, Vict--Vitya.” He buried his blush in Victor’s chest. He wasn’t used to being called a kitten and definitely not used to addressing the older man in such a cutesy manner.

Victor actually squealed. “Toooo cute!” He released Otabek from the hug and pinched Yuri’s cheeks.

Otabek agreed. Yuri is absolutely adorable. He tried hard not to imagine what Yuri’s voice would sound like if he said “Qayırlı tañ, Beka” like his little sister did. He didn’t even have to, since he could easily say it to himself when he was alone, but he was a good person that didn’t take advantage of other people’s bodies for self-indulgent purposes. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes didn’t entail kissing the heels and wishing to be stepped on with those shoes.

“Hey, why don’t I teach you how to drive?”

Otabek blinked. He really did not want to squeeze that into Yuri’s schedule. “When?”

“No better time than the present!”

Otabek had no clue how in the world Yuri handled Victor. “You mean, right now? We have to go to the ice rink right now, don’t we?”

“Yeah! You can drive! It’ll kill two stones with one bird.”

“Wait a second, isn’t it…” That imagery was horrifying. He was glad he already knew how to drive because Victor was the last person that should be teaching it. Victor would have been killing two skaters with one bad lesson.

Getting into Victor’s car was a mistake. Otabek only realized that as soon as it was too late to get out; he needed to start the car as soon as possible or they would be late to practice. Victor wasted too much time insisting that it was only logical that the phrase was killing two stones with one bird because killing birds was bad and difficult to do with one stone. Otabek didn’t know why he bothered arguing that animal abuse was the theme either way and that stones were impossible to kill because they weren’t sentient in the first place. The clock was ticking.

Otabek had to scoot the seat very far forward for comfort and bring the rearview mirror way farther down than it was originally. He buckled in his seatbelt. Victor’s phone camera was audibly snapping pictures of him as he adjusted the side mirrors.

“So, you start the car by pushing the key in and turning it--”

Clockwise, yeah. Otabek would have put more effort in his act of a naive teenager that knew squat about cars, but they had twenty minutes, the ice rink was fifteen minutes away if there was no traffic, and he was going to pretend that Yuri’s prodigal skills also extended to driving. “Seatbelt, Vitya.” He was starting to miss his motorcycle, which never had annoyingly clingy passengers.

Victor laughed. “No, I trust you, Yura! I’ll just give directions.”

Otabek was going to beg Yuri’s grandfather to give Yuri driving lessons instead of Victor. There was no way Yuri was going to be taught how to drive by such an irresponsible man.

“The speed limit is just a suggestion, by the way. Speed up 25 more kilometers per hour.”

“Vitya…” He chose his words carefully. “I’m too scared to go 100 kilometers per hour in a residential area.”

“I suppose I drove at the same speed as you when I first got behind the wheel, too…”

Dear God.

Otabek was barely on time. He had three minutes to get to the ballet class. His parking was crooked, but that was a detail that wouldn’t matter tomorrow, so he didn’t care enough to fix--okay, fine, he did care enough to fix it. It was counterproductive to not sympathize with the poor person that had to park next to him while was busy pitying Yuri and his exhausting life. He had two minutes to get to the ballet class. He could make it.

It was instinct to hold open the door for Victor, even if that meant shaving off more valuable seconds. Victor must have seen him shiver at the initial gust of air from inside the rink because he put his arm around his shoulder. Being so openly affectionate with a living legend was easily the most surreal part of the experience. He kept his eyes down and tried to casually walk past Yuri’s coach, Yakov. Even though it has been five years since he attended Yakov’s ballet camp, he was still intimidated by the coach.

Victor’s hand drifted down to his lower back. “Yuri.”

Otabek had no idea what that tone meant or what he was doing wrong. Maybe Victor just liked saying Yuri’s name. “Um…”

Yakov was more direct. “Yuri! Why is your posture so terrible today?”

Oh. That’s what Victor meant. “Sorry…” He squared his shoulders and straightened his back. Victor assisted by tilting his chin up so that he was no longer staring at the ground.

Yakov gave a stern nod of approval. He wasn’t quite impressed, but Otabek had passed for now. Otabek forgot how strictly disciplined Russian figure skaters were. He never thought about posture too much until his coach pointed it out. It added to the air of a person. Posture correction in itself was intimidating enough. A straight back could easily set you apart from the others. Yet, Otabek also had to wonder why Victor hadn’t gotten called out for his posture. The older skater was casually slouching all of his weight onto Yuri’s small body, which subtly pushed Otabek away from the dance studios and towards the ominously dark staircase.

Victor waved happily at Yakov and Mila. “Dobroye utro, Yakov. I’m going to work with Yuri for off-ice training again.”

Again? Otabek didn’t realize there was variation in Yuri’s schedule that contradicted the exact words Yuri inputted into his phone. 6 A.M. to 7 A.M. was supposed to be off-ice training at Yakov’s ice rink with the female junior skaters’ ballet class in Dance Studio A. All of the events in Yuri’s schedule had precise wording like that, which Otabek assumed was set in stone. It made Otabek’s life in Yuri’s body a lot more convenient. Yuri’s phone was his map and compass. Really, it was only Victor that steered Otabek off-course.

Yakov didn’t let Victor’s casual greeting slip by. “Oy, who’s the coach here? You should be asking for permission, not informing me like you already have it.”

Victor laughed nervously. He was caught. “May I?”

Yakov gave Victor the evil eye.

Now that Otabek thought about it, just because Victor liked being affectionate with Yuri didn’t mean that was a normal occurrence. Victor did as he pleased. Then, that meant Otabek had been relinquishing control to Victor that he normally didn’t have this entire time… “Shouldn’t you be asking my permission?”

Yakov nodded.

Now that was a dream-wakening lesson. Too bad Otabek was just living in a very strange reality, where profound moments were like standalone stories that contributed to no bigger series. This was another isolated event that didn’t have to matter. Otabek wanted it to matter, though.

Victor rephrased himself. “Yuri, I’m going to--”

Yakov shook his head.

“We’re going to--”

Yakov cleared his throat.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Victor swore. “Nobody can control Yuri’s body except for Yuri, of course!”

Victor could have stabbed Otabek in the chest with a skating blade and it would’ve hurt less than that seemingly obvious statement. This body wasn’t Otabek’s.  

“So, Yuri, do you want to train with me this morning?”

Otabek sunk into himself. This entire conversation was pointless because he actually did want to learn from Victor Nikiforov himself and the real Yuri had no say in this. Otabek had to resort to consequentialism for this moral fork in the road since Yuri wasn’t the one who had to experience this and it wouldn’t hurt Yuri either way. “... Yes.”

Victor laughed. “You were supposed to say no.”

Yakov looked ready to explode. “Stop deciding these things, Vitya! Dah isn’t dah without a dah!”

Otabek found the lightswitch at the bottom of the staircase leading up to the second floor of the rink. Before he could even get to the first step, Victor raced to the top and turned off the lights with the switch on top. Otabek tried turning them on again, only for Victor to submerge them in darkness again. He had a feeling this was some kind of riddle, so he switched the lights on, then off again quickly, expecting Victor to instinctively follow by flicking his switch, which would end up turning the lights back on. Victor didn’t. After Otabek accepted defeat and just relied on the railings to get up the stairs safely, the lights were back on.

“Why is it that I was able to anticipate every move you made, yet I’m still surprised?” Victor asked.

Otabek wanted to ask why Victor had to make everything so difficult. He didn’t. He just walked up the stairs like a normal person who wanted to transition between floors in peace.

Georgi looked him up and down. “Yuri, your posture looks terrible.”

Otabek didn’t get it. His back was straight, his shoulders were squared, his chin was parallel to the ground, and yet he was subjected to criticism as soon as he entered the dance studio.

He had met Georgi before… kind of. This was his first year being in the same division, since he had barely gotten out of the junior division, but he saw Georgi at some banquets he was forced to attend. He watched Georgi’s free skate for a couple of minutes at the previous Grand Prix Finals. They were probably in the same hotel at least--well, the point is that Otabek was surprised that Georgi thought his best posture was wretched. Every time they secretly acknowledged each other’s passing presence, Georgi was thinking that his posture was terrible. That is, if Otabek even stood out from the background enough to be noticed.

Russians are relentless.

“He doesn’t mean that,” the redhead female skater assured. “It’s just that the posture looks terrible on you.”

Shoot… What’s her name? Being the antisocial hermit Otabek was, he didn’t bother to learn the names of anyone that he wasn’t going to perform immediately after. Yakov’s coaching at the summer ballet camp he attended years ago was scary enough to leave its own imprint. Victor Nikiforov was, well, the Victor Nikiforov. So, he didn’t know the redhead’s name, but Yuri’s contact name for her on his phone was “Old Hag”, so sarcasm should be the appropriate response.

“Of course,” Otabek said. He mentally kicked himself. His response came out more like he had low standards for himself, not in the dry yet teasing manner that he was hoping for. It was hard to be rude on purpose to an older female skater. Respect for women was basically embedded into his DNA.

Georgi frowned. “Don’t take it so harshly,” he said apologetically.

Don’t say it so harshly, then.

“I’m just used to you being more…” Georgi trailed off. The word was on the tip of his tongue, but on the bottom of his mind.

“Pretty?” Victor provided.

“Feisty!” Mila suggested, with an added hiss and claw-swiping gesture for effect.

“No, no--rude, maybe?” Georgi guessed.

Victor clapped his hands together. “Oh, yes! Like a total bitch!”

Otabek’s face fell. He knew why he was standing out so much despite trying his best to hide, now. He was trying to survive when Yuri always wanted to thrive. It was so obvious that Yuri’s friends could see the difference at a glance. He clenched his fists, then put a hand on his hip and leaned his weight to one side. Throw yourself away, Otabek. You’re Yuri Plisetsky right now. “W… What the hell does that mean?” He glared up at Victor and bared his teeth a little. I’m sorry, Vitya, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

Victor was happy to be spoken at so crudely. Otabek wondered if this was what it was like to have friends.

“You’re certainly not this stupid on a daily basis to not know what a ‘total bitch’ entails,” Victor snapped back with a calm smile. “I’ll volunteer to be your tutor in Russian, too, if that means I can help you understand exactly how much of a bitch you are.”

At this point, Otabek would have usually put on a cool mask and walked out without any further conflict. He imagined that Yuri would’ve said something like… “You don’t have to be superfluous just because I know exactly who’s below me.”

Georgi snapped his fingers. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice!”

A bead of sweat rolled down Yuri’s neck.

“Your hair is tied back! It looks nice.”

Otabek let out the breath he was holding.

Victor nodded in agreement. “Right? I like it better when I can see Yuri’s face.” 

“Whatever,” Otabek spat out. “Just let me stretch in peace.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry!

Otabek would stretch for hours every day if he had Yuri’s body. (He does, actually, but that’s not the point.) Victor was watching him do a handstand while he slowly widened his legs into a left splits. Ironically, Otabek would have to stretch for hours every day if he wanted to be as flexible as Yuri. Perhaps he could pencil that into his schedule. If Yuri could when he barely had time to eat a full meal, then it would be a breeze for Otabek.

Yuri must be enjoying Otabek’s schedule. Otabek was glad that he didn’t have as many obligations as Yuri. No ballet classes, bi-weekly private lessons instead of every day, no piano lessons, no intensive homeschooling sessions, no Victor Nikiforov bothering him every second of the day, no rinkmates to criticize his every movement… Why, the only thing that could possibly give Yuri any trouble was the job as a waiter he recently took up at a Russian restaurant for extra money. His shift was only at 10 a.m. sharp…

Every day.

Victor’s quick reflexes caught Otabek when he lost balance and almost snapped his neck in half. “Careful, Yuri,” he chided softly.

Otabek scrambled out of Victor’s arms towards his bag. It was still barely past 7. He could call his phone (his actual phone) and tell Yuri that Otabek had to go to his job. He might also have to spill the beans that Yuri wasn’t dreaming and they really were switching bodies for what seemed like every other day, but there was no way Otabek could miss his entire shift at the four and a half star restaurant he barely got. The pay was amazing. He only had two sponsors, which were both his parents, and he desperately needed that job to afford another season in competition.

He would buy a plane ticket to Almaty right now if that meant keeping his job. As soon as he found his phone, he dialed his number and ran out into the hallway. He practiced what he was going to say.

“Yuri, this voice sounds familiar because it’s… No. Yuri, do you remember me? No, too lengthy. Yuri, I love your body--ah, that’s too suggestive.”

The phone rang only three times before it went to voicemail. Otabek glared at the phone screen. “You seriously declined a call from yourself?”

He didn’t realize that Russia was three hours behind Kazakh.

Yuri hated Otabek’s job. He was barely on time, only thanks to him snooping around in Otabek’s diary. The Medved Tavern and Restaurant was an overpriced poshfest where the waiters were quizzed on their knowledge of the menu every time they took an order and the wine experts turned their nose if you poured the unnecessarily expensive grape juice at an angle they weren’t pleased with. He cringed every time someone mispronounced a menu item and passive aggressively pointed out that it was also acceptable to simply state the number of the item because that’s exactly what those numbers were intended for.

Yuri was smart, though. He asked a coworker how to use a corkscrew before he was pushed out of the kitchen, and after that, he was out serving tables like the rent was overdue. He declined a call without even looking at the caller ID because as troublesome as having a shift during the freakin’ lunch rush was, the prices on the menu guaranteed that Otabek was paid decently. Yuri never could turn away an opportunity for making money, even it wasn’t his.

“Otabek!” a chef yelled at him. Yuri turned on his heel. Strangely, he was already used to being called by a different name. “Tezirek jıljıtıñız!”

Yuri put his hand on his hip and tucked a silver platter under his arm. “Speak Russian, mu’dak. You’ll make this place drop a star if you can’t make the atmosphere authentic.”

He barely blocked the knife thrown at him with the platter. The chef yelled at him in Russian, this time. “Mouth off one more time and you’ll be dead! Now move faster!”

Yuri picked up the knife and stabbed it into a cutting board on the counter. “Why don’t you--”

A coworker slapped a hand over his mouth, replaced the platter with a stack of menus, and pushed Yuri out into the kitchen before any more knives were thrown. Yuri was already handing out menus to another table of impatient pigs and taking orders before he could protest. Such was the norm when one’s shift was right at the lunch rush.

A woman way too old for Yuri, but maybe barely too old for Otabek was trying to undress him with her eyes while he mechanically described the dish of the day that the restaurant was desperately trying to promote. She batted her eyelashes at him and spoke in Russian. “Wow, your Russian is so good. Did you grow up there?” Her hand wrapped around his while he pointed to the item on her menu.

Yuri gingerly removed her hand. Lay off, old lady. This hot body is mine. “I’ll give you time to decide your order.” He walked away with a strong urge to wash his hands. Man, that was a weird thought. This body isn’t really mine, but since I have it right now…

Dress-up was Yuri’s favorite game as a child, to the disappointment of his parents. He never understood what they wanted from him. They were pleased with money, but not his career as a figure skater. They wanted a normal son, but sold his body to ballet and sent him to live with his grandpa. They expected him to grow up like a normal man, but trained him like a daughter. Yuri supposed what they wanted was Otabek.

He unbuttoned his crisp white shirt and let it fall off of him. His fingers trailed down defined muscles, chiseled in the gym and refined in the rink. He admired Otabek’s body. It was one that Yuri could train to be the perfect danseur, with enough time. It could follow his dreams and live up to his parent’s expectations. Yuri’s own body was stuck in its own path to success, long and treacherous and far from everyone else. He could scream without shame, glory, or response. It was his reward and consequence for taking the road less traveled by.

Otabek lived alone in an apartment that he worked hard at a four and a half star Russian-themed restaurant for to keep because it was near the ice rink. Yuri could get used to that. He collapsed in Otabek’s bed and hugged himself.

“So this is what it’s like to embrace a man’s body.”

Yuri had a lot of issues he had to deal with, but Otabek also had a lot of clothes to try on. He was certain that the waiter uniform wasn’t the only outfit Otabek looked good in.

Landing a quadruple Salchow was so much easier in Yuri’s body that his own. Otabek couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. He approached it the way he usually did. After he caught his breath, he went for a quadruple axel. Again, it was better than any attempt he made in his own body.

Victor whistled. “That’s the best I’ve ever seen from you.”

Green eyes widened. “Is it really?” He couldn’t brush it off as muscle memory, although that would’ve been an interesting concept to explore.

Victor nodded. “Yeah, although the height seems to be lacking.”

“Actually, it’s easier to not have too big of a step up so that the skater can pull into the rotation position more quickly… When the x and y velocity components are calculated independently, you can see that it’s more efficient--”

Victor ignored him and did a quadruple axel to see for himself. He used more height than Otabek’s calculations would have recommended. Of course, the landing was perfect because it was Victor who did it. “I don’t get it. More height is more beautiful, no?”

Otabek was suddenly homesick for his rink in Almaty, where he could focus on himself and not be shown up by figure skating legend Victor Nikiforov himself. Adding more height looked more pleasing, but wasn’t necessarily more efficient. Even the execution of jumps was something Victor did the opposite in what was expected. Otabek gasped. “I see! The height characterizes the style of your jumps!” He used to think that jumps were something anyone could do with the right amount of training, that as long as certain qualifications lined up, the jump would go well. He didn’t consider that the math of the jumps could be adjusted for aesthetic. He was focused more on efficiency and technique, while Victor was charming the world with extra difficulty. Victor really did make everything harder than it had to be. “But does your body make your technique possible or is your technique body-independent?” he wondered aloud.

Victor skated circles around him. “I am very independent.” He suddenly skidded to a stop and purposely sent slushy ice in Otabek’s face.

Otabek’s eyes were drawn to the golden blades. He forgot to account for different models of skates. It could be Yuri’s skates that made it easier to land quads. Or, Otabek could be used to expending more effort to perform quads because his body was bulkier and expending that same amount of effort in Yuri’s body, which was much lighter, could be making the quads easier. Meaning, Yuri’s body was ideal for the technique Otabek used.

This was too strange. Basically, Otabek was using muscle memory with entirely different muscles. He wished he could borrow Victor’s body, too, for more experiments.

Victor laughed at his serious expression. “Skate with me, Yuri.” He took off, dragging Otabek along with him. “Watch and follow.”

He raised one leg behind him and extended a hand in front of him while still holding onto Otabek’s hand. Otabek mirrored the same pose. He followed suit as Victor lowered his leg. Victor led them through a curve, leaning in towards Otabek, and twirled Otabek around before grabbing his hips and briefly lifting him into the air.

It was a simple and easy move, but Otabek wasn’t expecting it, so he clung to Victor as soon as he was safely on the ice. “V-V-Vitya! That was…” He couldn’t find a more mature way to phrase it in Russian. “... scary.”

Victor smiled. “Are you afraid of trying new things?”

“I’m scared of finding new ways to die.” Otabek was getting better at bluntly saying the first thing that came to mind, especially when it came to Victor’s antics.

Victor held Otabek, but continued to skate around the rink with him. “Would you like it if I was just ‘horny’?”

Yuri’s face was set ablaze. “W-Wh-Wha…”

Victor just smiled at him and gave no context whatsoever. “I’m sorry, Yuri. I know you want me to be more than that, when it comes to you.”

Otabek didn’t know how to interpret this, anymore. He wasn’t used to having rinkmates, much less one with an ambiguous relationship that could either be strictly platonic, strictly romantic, strictly sexual, or some secretive combination of those choices. “Um.” He hoped that hugging Victor was the right answer. Or, maybe he was accidentally leading Victor on.

If only he could just straight-up reject Victor on the spot.

If only Yuri’s body truly was his.

[myalterego302]

Dreamy night.......

Last night was the first night I got any real good sleep in about 4 days. My dreams were many and very Vivid. But a couple of people in a couple of things that I haven't thought about Forever came to mind.

I wanted to try or experiment with a particular type of drug particularly meth.

Where I live it is extremely difficult to come by in every time I thought I would be able to have some it always always fell through for whatever reason.

And when I was able to successfully get something it was the first time for the person I was with as well and we knew nothing about dosage whatsoever so we just thought it sucked.

The person I dreamed about knew what she was doing but underestimated my tolerance as someone who never used and was put in the position where she had to support the habits a people that were grown and not her responsibility.

She's not a bad person and I have nothing negative to say about her and have long since forgiven her for taking my money and using it in a way that it was not intended. It's actually my fault for putting myself in that position as far as I'm concerned.

I knew better but I wanted to try this drug.

She got the drugs from her cousin. She told me about a time her cousin gave her a 1-gram shot which even at the time seems like a lot but knowing what I know now it seems like suicide.

I really don't like people and in speaking with women especially who tried to support heroin and crack habits I've been exposed to some gut-wrenching stories and experiences that literally make me sick to my stomach. They make me like people last and especially like my gender not at all.

I thought I heard the worst of the worst until I heard the women's methamphetamine Diaries. That's not a real thing but it's the stories I've Been Told about what has happened to people I consider friends during their usage.

It's after the stories that I always wondered about that one gram shot. I know it was her cousin but based on the stories I've heard age and relationship does not seem to matter.

I asked her if the time do you think he had an alternative motive because the only way he would give her the shot is if she finish the entire thing. She said no. I let it go the time but I woke up dreaming about her and that one gram shot.

I dealt with her cousin directly after that going forward and he seemed like all in all he wasn't a bad guy. He admittedly used the drugs he had as a way to sleep with the women he wanted but from what I can see they all did so willingly. Is that kind of shady using someone's addiction against them. The women I know would not have been traumatized the way they are by his actions. Praying on someone because of their addictions is bad but it is not in the same universe I heard which again brought me back to wondering about that one gram shot.

She and I are not friends. She is not treated me the way that a friend would and has used me only for my money to support her habit in the habit of those around her. She is also not a bad person and I have long since forgiven her. I put myself in that position and my response was I know who she is and what she is and I will not put my self in that position again for her to take advantage of me or I'm the fool. I'm not knowingly a fool these days.

I texted her and told her to call me. I didn't tell her why because she might not have called back. If she thought she could make some money she'd call back immediately which she did.

I told her why I was calling and I asked her if she was okay. She said she's going to jail on Monday which may or may not be the truth. I kind of think she is supposed to go to jail on Monday but I know addicts. That doesn't mean she necessarily will show up.

She also claims she broke up with her dude which is not unusual. They actually do break up on a pretty regular basis and say mean awful things about one another but hey they do the same thing while they're together.

They always get back together so there's no need for me to believe that anything like this is permanent.

You don't understand, he stabbed me in my chest with a knife. I do understand because he is beating you to a bloody pulp multiple times because you didn't give him enough drugs or the drugs or he wanted drugs and every single time when you say it will never happen you all end up back together.

I've learned with other female friends first hand how that cycle goes. I also understand no one in the moment is equipped or has the ability to make what will be their permanent choice.

I would like to thank she will leave him alone because it will be better for the both of them but I also know their history. Independently and sober I don't think either one is a bad person.

She doesn't know her worth and believes the only reason he will stick around with her is based on the money and drugs she supplies. Forcing her to do things to get those money and drugs. Things he then never hesitate to throw in her face.

It's one of the most sick codependent 4 year relationships I've ever seen. Oh yeah and he's still married. He went to party with drugs and a prostitute one weekend and has not on a permanent basis been home to his wife and children since.

He does go back to his wife and child when she's out of money and his wife will provide him with that money but then my friend lures and back with money and drugs and he goes back and forth between both women who have no clue that they don't need him and would probably be better without him.

As ugly as that story is I do like people a little bit more today after talking to her.

She is okay and I believe she wants to go to jail because she knows she has to do something different. Jail does separate her from her drug of choice but often offers little in the way of treatment or coping skills. That's why I was picking my except at 4:30 in the morning at the police station after her current boyfriend knocked her out over drugs.

My ex was in treatment living at a sober house employed and doing well. Her boyfriend was in jail and absolutely believed he was drug free and would remain that way and they would take over the world once he got out.

I asked what her game plan would be when and if he relapsed. Due to no fault of his own he was not receiving treatment in prison. In my state they put drug addicts in prison and expect them to act differently once they get out because they were punished. That doesn't work so well but she refused to accept any possibility of him using it again.

I would want my significant other to believe and have faith in me the way she had faith in him and that's an awesome thing but because of that Blind Faith she did not have realistic perspective of what she was dealing with.

He relapsed and as a result she relapsed and they relapse together. She didn't listen to people and try to have and maintain their relationship within the first year of her recovery. That was a no no. She did not develop a plan for herself if he relapsed. That was a no no. She never took into consideration that he would relapse knowing her own struggles even while being treatment and going to meetings none of which he was doing.

I share these concerns with my friend going to jail and I asked her if at all possible to get treatment while she's incarcerated so she's better equipped to deal on the outside.

I hope she listens.

Her cousin did not have an ulterior motive forgetting her that high except maybe to make fun of her.

Based on what I know now and I did not know at the time she first relayed the story I knew she would have hours where she did not remember s*** and it was those hours I was worried about.

I'm glad to say there was no reason to worry. She immediately left her cousins after taking the shot with her boyfriend at the time. Yes he's an a****** but he was her a****** so even if he had taken advantage of her it would have been something she definitely would have agreed wholeheartedly to sober.

She told me she woke up at home in her bed safe and sound.

I was prepared for the used and abused story that I always hear lately. It never came thankfully.

I liked her cousin. He was far from perfect but he was young and a product unfortunately of his environment. And considering where he grew up and what he was surrounded by all in all he was definitely a nice guy.

I'm glad to find out he's not a monster.

I'm glad to find out my friend experienced no More trauma than she already has.

I'm excited that I can hate people and my gender a little less today than I did yesterday.

I almost forgot she asked me what I was doing today and explained what she rented for the weekend before she went to jail.

I am very honest and straightforward and try not to deceive anyone. I know what hanging out with you usually entails and no I don't have any money to buy you drugs but if you really just want to hang out I'm alright with that. I assured her I would not be offended based on what I told her if she changed her mind about hanging out.

She shocked the f*** out of me by saying yes she still wanted to hang out and offer to buy us something saying it wouldn't be as much as I usually spend which within itself was nice.

I'm used to being the one taking care of everyone else I have a couple of people in my corner not including her lately that have had my back when I have done nothing for them. One of them was off of Tumblr who is far as I'm concerned has every reason to hate all men including myself if she wanted to. But she totally f****** looked out for me without me ever having done anything for her twice. That was the first time ever and I appreciate it and I appreciate her and have subsequently look out for her a hundred fold but that's not the point

I will hang out with my friend. I will not consume any of her drugs. But I will provide her with a safe place where she does not have to worry about what will happen if she consumes whatever amount of drugs she chooses to.

There will be somebody to watch over her. There will be somebody to make sure she is safe. There will be somebody that make sure everything that was there before she took drugs it's going to be there when she sobers up. There will be a man there who sees her as a person and not an object and will not take advantage of her in a vulnerable state where she does not have a capacity to think clearly.

She will have a friend and maybe I made a new friend.

Maybe there is hope for Humanity

Nah, I guess that was taking it a little too far. We're all f***** and we're all f***** up