#yes. I'm projecting. i don't care i did it as Evan too

[habitual-creatures]

I managed to get some crime scene tape for decorating! Don't ask how

Let's do this!

-Mystery guest

Yesss!!!

[xinyuehui]

I don't know if I want to write a massive essay about this, but they missed the whole point with all the characters, especially Ye Wenjie. I'm assuming everyone who said this portrayal is accurate and a raging angry Ye Wenjie is good is because they either never read the book, or non-Chinese, or both. (Or maybe projecting their own views on Maoism). Ye Wenjie received higher education during a time period where it wasn't common for women. She believed in science, she believed in people, but time and time again, the people in her life let her down and never showed any signs of remorse. What I've gathered from the text is that she isn't fuelled by rage, more so she is dead on the inside, she has lost all hope in people. Her decision to reply is not because she wants to destroy, she believes that a civilisation from a higher standpoint could save humans, and this roots in the fact that she is educated. She's not some crazy rage driving women who would ever say "time is a motherfucker", not even a Chinese equivalent.

I'm not sure why the writers decided to write Ye Wenjie and Yang Weining's relationships out of the story...Oh so she is rescued by a white man later on hmm??? (Coincidentally, all the characters driving the plot are also non-Chinese in this). Ye Wenjie marrying Yang Weining and giving birth to Yang Dong gave her a glimpse of light in the life from which she had lost hope. Spending time in Qijiatun also gave her a bit of warmth. When she pushed Yang Weining off the cliff, it marked another significant point, she was calm, cut the rope with no hesitation. She did not care to get herself entangled in romantic affairs. Making her have a child with Evans is laughable. They also dumb down Yang Weining, to the extent that Ye Wenjie had to explain 43+8=51 to him. Mind you, he was a real proper engineer. (Weirdly with all the diversifying, they did not keep a single male Chinese scientist in the main team huh)

Anyways, before I go on a tangent. The writers have fast tracked everything and left out the finer text about the characters in the book. I'm not sure if they missed the point or that nowadays the audience are ruined by fast media, something like the tencent version are simply too slow for the people in the west. Any of my moots and followers who watch cdramas will know that the real good stuff is all in the build-up. It's all the little text that adds up to a fleshed out character. If the culture difference is too much for Netflix, leading them to change all the characters and most of the plot, why not just buy a western ip. There's plenty of good western sci-fi ips.

I can't help but think they want to do this because they wanted to film the scene where Ye Zhetai is beaten to death. Have an excuse to turn Ye Wenjie an angry woman. We all know why. If they really cared about showing a true China during that time, they would have spend some care with the Red Coast details as mentioned above (we did not have screens in 1960s that display Chinese text!!! And definitely no simplified Chinese characters on computers!!!!). Instead of having her snog Bai Mulin off - unrealistic since people were a lot more conserved back then, they would not have done this and it's ooc for Ye Wenjie. Falling in love with Evans - a real blasphemy. I guess the 3 Body Problem here means 3 bodies pounding at each other. Jin-Raj-Will also seem to have their own 3 body problem going on too.

(One last tangent) Ye Wenjie and Yang Dong(Vera) as scientists not believing in god but having monks at her funeral ??????????? Not even a typical normal Chinese funeral will have monks. The stereotype enforcing is real.

[prongsfootandco]

Could you please write something for possessive James

Rating: T Ship: James/Sirius Summary: After a run in with Sirius under the mistletoe, James has a crisis about his feelings for his best friend.

(I don't know why I made it Christmas... I'm sorry?) _

James hated Christmas. It felt like blasphemy to say after years of it being his favourite holiday, but this year it just couldn’t be helped. The reason for his sudden change of heart was one Sirius Black, as was to be expected with any great decision James made in his life. The problem was that for the first time in their four year friendship, James had come to realise that he was a little bit in love with his best friend, which was just great. As if Sirius’ ego needed another boost. 

It wasn’t enough that the whole damn school had to be in love with him, but now James was as well?!

The injustice of it all. 

Usually around Christmas time, James could be found trailing Lily in an attempt to try and catch her under the mistletoe, but he’d never been successful. She was too quick, but last time he’d nearly managed it. However, Sirius had barged into him and knocked him out of the way. Sirius had apologised for his clumsiness, and Lily had disappeared around the corner before James could chase after her, leaving James and Sirius stuck under the festive plant. 

And that was where it all began.

The kiss had been chaste, a bid for freedom from the magical plant more than anything else. It wasn’t meant to be life-changing or magical, just a quick peck between friends and then they’d move on with their day. Sirius would continue complaining about all the birds who tried to snog him around Christmas, and James would continue his flirtations with Lily. 

That was not what happened. 

Instead, James fixated on the moment, the scratch of stubble against his chin, the softness of Sirius’ lips, the tickle of his long black hair on James’ cheeks. He imagined what it might have been like if they were lovers instead of friends, would Sirius have deepened the kiss? Would James have let him? Yes. Absolutely. There would be no more rants in the common room about mistletoe or love potions. Sirius would sit with his head in James’ lap, their fingers intertwined as they smiled brightly at each other. 

They could be together. 

The realisation had hit James like a herd of hippogriffs, and now he was stuck with a crush that he didn’t know what to do with. Flirting with Lily was easy. He’d been doing it since he was eleven and too young to care about rejection. Flirting with Sirius was impossible. Everything he tried with Lily, James already did with Sirius as friends… minus the kissing and the dates. But even then they sort of did have dates. Wormtail and Moony both knew to leave the pair of them alone every so often. They would get grumpy if they didn’t get any quality time together. 

Fucking Merlin.

It was like they were already dating, and James didn’t know how to move forward from that. All he knew is that everyone kept flirting with his Sirius, and he did not like it one bit. So he’d decided that he hated Christmas until he could fix this mess. 

If he could fix this mess. 

“Bloody hell, Prongs,” Sirius grumbled as he vaulted through the portrait, his scarlet robes billowing behind him. “Jessica Vane almost caught me earlier. I swear between Valentines and Christmas, I’m running out of time. The harpies are going to chain me down one of these days. Damn holidays get worse every year.”

James just glared at his friend, well not really at Sirius. His rage was directed at those who were trying to steal Sirius from him, but they weren’t here and Sirius was. “Can’t you just tell them to fuck off?”

“Woah there, Jamie. That’s a bit violent, even for you, not to mention a bit hypocritical. Isn’t this exactly what you keep doing with Evans?”

James flinched. Yes. It was true, but he’d not bothered her since the beginning of the month, since his kiss with Sirius, and the school holidays were almost upon them. “Kept. Past tense.”

“Is the great James Potter finally admitting defeat?”

“Shut it, Pads.”

“Merlin, you’re in a mood today,” Sirius teased before flopping down onto the sofa and into James’ lap, his hair fanning out over James’ legs. “What’s got your wand in a knot?”

“Bloody Jessica Vane. No. All of them. Why is it that the girls of Hogwarts all lose their collective mind over Christmas?”

“Some boys too,” added Sirius as he smirked up at James, silver eyes sparkling. 

“It’s stupid. You’re too good for any of them.”

There was a beat of silence as Sirius peered up at him, his eyes narrowed and calculating. “Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And who? My dearest Prongs, would you deem good enough for me? Or am I doomed to be a spinster whilst you marry Evans?”

“I’m not marrying Evans,” James snapped. “And you’re not going to be a spinster. You have me.”

“Ah, so a bachelor pad?” 

Urgh. James groaned. Why was Sirius being so impossible? All the teasing and the laughter usually had James in a good mood, but today it just angered him. His jaw clenched and Sirius was pushed to the floor. Before he could listen to Sirius’ protest, James had fled the room. He marched up the stairs to the dorms and pulled the curtains of his four poster bed shut behind him. 

The next day started off just about the same. His bad mood had not faded overnight, and on the journey from the common room to the Great Hall, Sirius had ducked out of the way of no less than three bunches of mistletoe. To make matters worse, Lily decided to corner James after breakfast in the courtyard. 

“Out with it, Potter,” she said, one hand on her hip and her eyes gleaming emerald. “Not that I don’t welcome the break, but what changed your mind?”

James just grunted, but his eyes flashed to Sirius before he could stop them, and Lily Evans wasn’t known as the brightest witch of her age for no reason. 

“Oh, I see.” She clapped him on the shoulder. “Well, good luck, Potter, and remind me to send Black a thank you note.”

“Shut it,” grumbled James, his cheeks aflame. “Oh for the love of!”

In the few minutes that James had been separated from his best friend, the harpies had descended. Sirius was rolling his eyes and smirking at his suitors, but it was clear they were being kept at a distance. 

Only James couldn’t help but remember Sirius’ words from the day before. It was only a matter of time before Sirius chose one, or was chained down in his own words, and that just wouldn’t do. 

“Would you all just piss off?!” James roared as he approached the centre of the courtyard. “He’s not interested. He’ll never be interested. Get over him!”

Silver eyes flashed up, one perfectly sculpted brow raising at him. 

James didn’t think. There wasn’t time. He took Sirius’ face in his hands, and crashed their lips together. Sirius wasted no time in kissing him back with the same fierce passion, the pair of them lost in each other until they heard Remus and Peter whistling at them. James reluctantly pulled back, his fingers trailing from Sirius’ cheek to rest at the nape of his neck. 

“Mine,” he whispered as he pressed their foreheads together. 

Sirius chuckled, his breath warm against James’ skin. “I always have been, you idiot. Nice of you to catch up.”

“Mine,” James repeated, pouting at his friend. 

“Yours,” agreed Sirius before capturing James’ lips in another kiss. 

Mistletoe had sprung up around them, and for the first time that year, James didn’t care. Perhaps Christmas wasn’t so bad after all. 

[katzirra]

Spends over an hour talking to my buddy about comics once he finished Loki finally and sent me a meme to fucking talk shit on the poetry boys LMFAO

Casually writes a novel on comic blorbos.......

Jer brought up a really neat point and we kinda went off on like... both our experiences with Marvel comics and how they have a habit of shooting themselves in the foot with their fucking retcons and shit. Mostly like, in terms of it weirdly kinda... detracts from characters and maybe bits and pieces people related to? For me it was what drew me INTO dynamics of characters at times?

Now, I haven't touched a comic in almost 10 years so... anything that happened from the Marvel NOW! launch and forward is a mystery to me, and I'm ignorant on [to preface this long ass post...] Also my memory is spotty.

Also possibly spoilers for the new season if you haven't caught up on Loki :v so yaknow. IF YOU READ THIS AND CARE...

Jer and I were talking about the basis of the show really kinda became like how can we take this fan favorite character, let him have some emotional depth, maybe have some friends and do some fucky stuff with it. LETS GET WEIRD WITH IT??

It kinda harkens back to themes that made me ultimately fall in love with Deadpool comics, and reminds me of why I dropped reading his stuff too. I'll circle back to this lol.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a huge sucker for a found family, and I'm a bigger sucker for characters defeating fate or the narrative. I'm big on the best friend/possible romantic option of a character that sees what an absolute dumpster fire next to a textile factory someone is, and still thinks there's something good in there.

I find it funny how much I couldn't STAND the hype of Loki as a character as long as he's been in the MCU because my experience with him has always been comics/cartoons and him being a little HOO HOO HEE HEE gremlin of a bastard. Just HATED him. Excellent MCU costume designs though.

The movies he's just a little weasel of a backstabbing bastard, and I find him annoying. Like yes, I see there's emotional trauma in EVERYTHING that makes his background aside from his mother, and yes I get the narrative of him as a villain etc - but I don't feel compelled by it, personally. That's just me though - I'm FASCINATED by people that are civil minded stans and can argue for why he's fascinating. But also, how much of that is personal projection too?

When I was getting into comics, the Siege event was going on so Loki's face was everywhere in like...2010?? So many teeth... And he was KILLED, and they started doing the Kid Loki stuff and I read a little bit of that because two of my RP friends in the Avenger's group I was in - and it was neat! Then in like 2014 they started doing... what was it, Agent of Asgard? That was....something. I never read it but it was interesting to see them make a workaround for them to kinda...breathe new life into a character people were getting into again!

NEAT STUFF, THAT'S NEAT TO ME!! I LOVE A REVAMP LIKE THAT!! I like the Marvel theme of escaping your reputation. I love that theme. It's like what they did with Evan, the uh Kid Apocalypse. I adore the whole aftermath of Uncanny X-Force for that - Evan just...fucking destined to be Apocalypse and fucking he's so DETERMINED NOT TO BE, and to learn his powers etc. I'm pretty sure he became... Genesis? And died fighting... ;; big sigh... at least he proved his worth, right?

But Jer and I talking about all this kinda made me sad too because we were discussing sort of the way Marvel can take an unlikeable bastard, and with the right handling, they can get something REALLY interesting with it!!

When I first got into Deadpool like...2011 or something I did it because I was annoyed seeing him everywhere and thought 'Surely there's more to him than fart and ass jokes?' and I was right, thankfully.

But I'd also spend a lot of time slogging through a lot of shit, and seeing him kind of BECOME only fart and ass jokes... Like, the movies are fun and stuff, I guess but... I honestly can't stand them very much. But that's me, if people enjoy them? Okay, tight. But also like Daniel Way just, OOF.

Interesting parallel - kinda made it click in place WHY I think I've been enjoying the Loki show. Like, when I picked up Deadpool I SLOGGED through the Joe Kelly run, which is just Wade being a little self-depreciating soggy, abusive and shitheaded person really. Hiding behind his paper bag over his face, excusing his actions because shit sucks - like just kind of a shitty awful and exhausting person overall. WOE!!! A piece of shit! And I get some of the shit that happens to him outside the OBVIOUS is fucky - but I don't know, it was kinda relentless. I feel like even when life deals you all lemons, there's still something in there to tell storywise to curb just the ONSLAUGHT of oh wow poor me... Can you tell I don't enjoy this run of comics? LMAO

But as you get through that, you start to get side comics that kinda do a bit more to polish him up. He's a jerk, and he's sensitive to how fucked up his face looks, but he isn't a wet feral animal ALL the time? He's just rude. Really rude. Random. We start to grasp OOOH IT'S AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO COVER SHIT WITH JOKES... man, I can relate to that haha HAHAHHA....

I got into reading Cable & Deadpool because my friend Johnly was HUGE into Xmen and it seemed inevitable to get into it... but it was well written and drawn and like... I'm married to it as my favorite comic. Those are my boys. Those are my besties. That's the comic ship I didn't ask for and I got it. That's the bromance/romance I go up to bat for. Any capacity - those are the BOYS. MY SONS.

It's my favorite trope; I've seen your worst, and I still think there's good in you. You just need someone in your corner.

FUCKING SCREAMS. Even still, in a non-shipping way that's my fucking duo DYNAMIC. You will sell me so often on ANYTHING with that.

When Cable and Deadpool came around, it rolled in after the Agent X comic, which gave us like a 'Clone' of Deadpool who had a WHOLE ENTOURAGE OF FRIENDS like a rag tag bunch of misfits who were a very unconventional FOUND FAMILY. Wade was still a fucking dick, a bastard a lot of times - but his friends saw value in him and stuck around still. Even ones he was recently a demon to, like...man.

And even more so; when Nate pulls the dick move of sacrificing himself, he had that support network of friends there for him to process that, because it hurts no matter how you see their relationship. That was his best friend. It hit hard.

It hits hard especially because Nate and him start out moral enemies. Wade hates him because he's holier than thou, and Nate hates him because he's a nuisance, he's a mercenary - there's a laundry list tbh. Untrustworthy. He's scum! The closer they keep rotating around one another - or into eachother even jfc - they start to tolerate one another, and start to talk more, and Nate starts to really talk about how Wade could do better and be better. Wade starts to see value in himself more, he's still sharp tongued with Nate, but he starts to also be a bit softer with him, joke around and sees value in HIM and what he's trying to accomplish with Providence and stuff. He sees the vision - but he also sees the danger of that vision in regards to Nate's LIFE.... So there's a lot of selfish shit on both sides of the fence that's interesting.

They don't always agree, but Wade starts to come around, and Nate does this thing where people will be like YO DEADPOOL BE CRAZY WHY YOU ROLLIN' WITH HIM? And he is in his corner to be like hey, that's my boy Wade like give him a chance? HE'S DIFFERENT NOW. But yaknow they also emotionally manipulate one another in weird ways. :)) SIGH.

GIVE AND TAKE I GUESS. But it's interesting to see the evolution of trust and openness?? They're best friends, you can't argue that.

AND YAKNOW...we were discussing the response to this actually!! In Loki it was interesting to see Mobius say shit like that to him [how he can BE BETTER, he can be whatever he wants to be!!] and he just kinda.... I don't know, he's a villain by definition and yet he's whipped 'round into this anti-hero kinda position that becomes curious. But he doesn't lash out when he's told this shit, because the fight has mostly left by that point. He doesn't know what to do with those words?? Like yeah, okay.

But, conversely, with Nate and Wade... Nate is very heavy handed with it, and Wade is INSANELY volatile with his emotions because of how his brain is always in flux. And...he gets to a point he starts lashing out about it, about how Nate is trying to change him and he's FINE AS HE IS, AND HE'S TIRED OF HIS SHIT. They lash out a lot, but Nate also is kind of a controlling shit. He wants to play god, where as yaknow... Mobius has ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR THE SHITHEAD TO UNDERSTAND IF HE DIDN'T WANNA LISTEN.

Honestly hilarious, the similarities...

But Jer and I were talking about how it's interesting to us that the show really focused on WHO is Loki without his magic. He's a con-man, he's a fast talker, he's a violent little feral cat. He doesn't know what trust and care is honestly, because even in his own family there were so many lies and hostility. So they pit him with this partner who has seen every trick and BULLSHIT THING he's ever said and done, and is like "Yeah yeah big scary God, wow. ANYWAY-" He is both fascinated, complimentary, and utterly flippant about Loki and that's interesting. We meet someone, a whole organization, that isn't phased by the existence of Gods.

It's interesting to see tunnel vision character exploration - small cast exploration - on characters that are deemed bad, but have a weird thing about them that doesn't necessarily mean they're REDEEMABLE, but that they have something that is inherently BROKEN in their past that can be nursed? Latent potential to be good.

They're not hardwired to be good guys, they can be good people, but it's harder and more exhaustive. But sometimes - it's nice.

But uh yeah - SO ANYWAY, moves down the line some more here -

WEIRD SIMILARITIES. But they're there and maybe that's what I liked about the show. You present me with a character I already don't like, you mock him and kinda kick him when he's down and then have this guy show up who is like... not really a fanboy but - HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. He doesn't appear phased at all the shit he can throw at him, and he plants the seed that he can be better.

And I love that the show is two seasons. It's short, it's sweet, it does a lot of really interesting things I'm obsessed with visually and narratively you can fiddle with. It has a very bittersweet ending, but it's not 100% sad for me. I love that they got this irredeemable broken bastard, and they gave him a win - and yet it's still, in Loki's nature, a loss. But he has all the time in the universe to figure things out. If he can ascend like that in just a few centuries - what's to say he can't free himself from his coffin of his own making.

We're given a consequential win, and I've already see fans making fix-its that are PHENOMENAL. My FAVORITE things to see and read for fanfic topics is people playing with the sandbox. I hate that people ALWAYS assume you know, sexual shit when you say you read fanfic - I am OBSESSED with people playing with the sandbox and fixing issues. Continuing the story. Developing insane head canons, coming up with the most INTERESTING INTRICATE IDEAS and still leaving me on a cliff hanger.

You've taken a bastard, redeemed him, and influenced CREATIVE MINDS to play with it in a positive way. I've seen most people express APPROVAL but sadness with the ending and that's I think the best thing to happen! It's how I still feel about the Mass Effect 3 ending :))

Conversely it all really highlighted my sadness of how with comics, we can so easily run a good idea into the ground, and how ya'know... you can see your character MAKE that 180 or you can see them do like a 320 and come out a little worse....

For Deadpool, C&DP ends on a VERY bitter note of Nate sacrificing himself, he is depressed about it, I think they have a big talk with him about it with the Agent X fam? My timeline is fucky with the 3 'ending' points of C&DP - full transparency lol. But... after this comic comes the numerous team ups - like him trying to find his place in the world, and then in like 2008 [which I'd been working towards, and was excited for because the art was really CRISP...] you hit Daniel Way.

Way's Deadpool introduces the ANNOYING yellow box and white box almost as if he was split personalities, where as it was really just like...thought boxes, just colored uniquely... As far as I've read, this has been retconned in recent comics. But it's the big staple in all things Deadpool - but.... Way's Deadpool is very disjointed, he's trying to date and marry death, he's suicidal because he wants to be with her forever, he is a lot of dick and fart jokes that just don't hit for me - he has funny moments but I can't think of a single serious moment I got emotional over?? You gotta give us reasons to connect with our character, or things that hit us to stick with us? I felt like I was just reading low punches a lot?

But it did this weird thing, that I'm trying to find any of the wikis talk about and coming up blank, but there's this point in the comics where in Way's... he basically gets hunted down by his whole support net? It's like a big thing? Like everyone hates him and shit? But somehow EVERY WRITER AFTER THIS ACTS LIKE THINGS WERE FINE~

Like they hunted this man for SPORT it was WEIRD. It was so.... weird?? Going through my own tag I didn't even blog about it... weird??

But I dunno, it left a bad taste in my mouth to like reduce Wade down to like... what they did. C&DP works really hard to kinda get people to see some value in Wade, and then Way's DP just kinda tears that structure down and all he has is Bob left whom he really is AWFUL AS HELL TO....

It's sad to me. The new comics started, and I left shortly after, in like...what...2012? I was really excited for the team, the writers and artists involved and he looked GNARLY but interesting and I loved the colors and - it was gonna be WEIRD and funny... but they kinda kept leaning into the like...

You know when you don't wanna talk to someone, or be seen by someone and you shield your face and walk the other way? I feel like we were back to that with Deadpool. Like it was EMBARRASSING to be seen with him, even though in the aftermath of C&DP we did all those team-ups and had some great cross overs and EVEN HAD A SPIDERMAN COMIC THAT WE SAW THEY COULD BE CIVIL [we all know I hate how Peter treats Wade and I have bad blood with those shippers still :)) never forgive, never forget! But boy howdy he was an ass to him WHICH IS FAIR BECAUSE MORAL DIFFERENCES...] but like?? We were back to HAHA WOW HE'S CRINGE... which is a bummer.

I dunno.

Jer just kinda really hit a nerve in my brain when he pointed out how the show kinda did a thing we don't see the pay off for as often as we should. Turning over a new leaf, and truly discovering what it means to do a selfless action?

And it just kinda reminded me how I love Wade being a SNARKY piece of shit, and how bad he is at trying to be a good person - he's just a weird little guy, he knows he's not a hero and he doesn't really try to be. He just tries to be real with people? But he IS a good ally, and he HAS the capacity to be loyal, and he -

Man like. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE ARC? UNCANNY X-FORCE.

FUCKING ANGEL FROM XMEN HAS A SMALL TEAM AND THEY HAVE A JOB TO DO AND THEY HIRE FUCKING WADE TO COME WITH, AND EVERYONE IS ANNOYED BECAUSE HE'S ANNOYING and he's ya'know DEADPOOL.... and when they get to the fucking end of the mission and it's like hey, you gotta kill this kid Apocalypse? Fucking he DRAWS THE LINE. No women, no kids! He makes a STINK about it. Logan and Fantomex are like yo, what the FUCK you're being paid for this you bastard - and it's Angel or Betsy who points out that Wade never cashed any of the checks.

Like Wade half the time would go along on an Xmen mission just for the benefit of being INCLUDED honestly. Some of the writers use to really GET THAT. He use to hold them with a lot of reverence. And I feel like that was a big thing I was sad about with the movies was removing that kinda "WOOOOW IT'S THE GANG" vibes... he's just kinda... jaded? Hm. Huffs. ME TOO THOUGH LMAO.

Uncanny X-Force is so delightful... and even still too a lot of people...really don't paint him in a loyal light or care about his connections to people and it's sad. In the Messiah War arc like Cable specifically calls on Deadpool to have his back and fight with him while he's transporting baby Hope, and he gets so UPSET when he has to leave. It's not good bye~ and Wade is so sad because he thought they were a team again. AND I WANTED IT SO BADLY, I wanted him to have that stability he deserved, a friend. THE GUY WHO SAW WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF.

There's random good moments in random comics, and of course they meet again in a Deadpool & Cable comic, which is good and done by some of the older team. Idk. I wish...

I wish I could still read comics in confidence they wouldn't scrub whole segments of a character.

It's like a post Dazz reblogged the other day about how characters have less weight these days because we're scrubbing lime line events from them in desires to make them TIMELESS and it's detrimental because there's no proportional trauma or event to really add that weight now and then, ya'know?

Me talking for too long.

Loki ended in a way I was pleased with, and I was surprised to end up liking that incarnation of him, and being excited if they expand on him ever again - conversely if they don't wow, EMOTIONAL and amazing regardless. But, uh, they really uh... they really kinda coded that ending as eternal pining with those two. I didn't think much about it until a few weeks later someone posted something and it hit me sideways like a brick. How dare?

And I'm still mourning the fact there was a lot of hard work to get people to take Deadpool seriously as a character in universe, and to get him on teams, and they kinda took everything away from him, just to give him weird new things, only to take that away and rebuild him again. But at least he's FRIENDS with Cable I GUESS. But who knows the fuck is going on with him anymore. He's probably DEAD AGAIN... He sure died and came back wrong in my book :)

But I think that's just the thing with Marvel. You gotta pick your battles, and pick your story arcs to commit to. It's like when people are into a specific writer for Batman or something. SHRUGS.

Me casually being mad my friends can call my favorites, and why so easily and proceed to talk to me about it's narrative themes and character arcs so easily... I'm a predictable fucking pile of shit, I swear to god....

Me rereading this post: IS THIS ANYTHING? IT'S NOTHING. IT'S ALL NOTHING.

[seikointelli]

To everyone else: Favorite horror movies?

Tod: I have a lot of favorites but we'll settle on I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Terry: I don't really have a favorite but I really like Scream.

Valerie: Horror isn't my thing.

Billy: Sleepaway Camp. I don't know why, I guess its because it was my first horror movie.

Carter: Nightmare on Elm Street 2. I just find it the most entertaining.

Evan: Any of the Friday The 13th movies.

Tim: IT. I like the 1990 version (even though it's technically a mini series but whatever) and the 2017 versions.

Nora: Carrie. I know its basic but its a classic!

Kat: That movie where the dude kills the people on Valentines Day.

Rory: My Bloody Valentine?

Kat: Nobody asked you! But yes, My Bloody Valentine is my favorite.

Rory: Saw. Sure it makes me feel sick at some points but I still like it.

Kat: Your fucking disgusting.

Eugene: Child's Play. Specifically the first 3 and the last 2. Bride and Seed were just bad. (He secretly likes Bride).

Clear: The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity. Those found footage movies are just more interesting to me.

Burke: Freddy vs Jason. I like it but i'm not a huge horror person. I'm more into comedy.

Ashley: Well if we're talking movies from when I was, like, alive, then my fave was Scream. But if we're talking now, I've come to like The Conjuring and the whole, like, universe thingy that comes with it.

Ashlyn: My taste is totally similar to Ashley's Scream was my go to now Spree is my go to. The Conjuring is, like, a little too scary though.

Lewis: Its either Halloween H20 or Tales from the Hood. Both are good but I prefer TFtH a little more.

Erin: I generally like all horror movies but my favorite is House of 1000 Corpses.

Perry: Thir13en Ghost.

Ian: Well if I have to pick a favorite, its going to be House of 1000 Corpses. Me and Erin have a fairly similar taste in movies.

Julie: The Purge. Its a cool concept.

Kevin: Leprechaun. I know it isn't the best movie franchise out there but its enjoyable to me.

Samantha: The Amityville Horror I guess.

Andy: Christine. Its kinda ironic considering I work on cars for a living.

Hunt: Wrong Turn. Something about all the blood and guts just makes me like it a lot.

George: Get Out. I know its stereotypical but I just generally think its a good movie. I also like Trick 'r' Treat.

Janet: Jaws. The sequels get worse and worse but who am I to care?

Lori: Cujo and Child's Play 2.

Candice: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Back then I thought it was weird and disgusting and I still do but now I have some appreciation for it.

Olivia: I don't care what Eugene says, Bride of Chucky is great and its a personal favorite of mine. I love Jennifer's Body too.

Dennis: The Babadook or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't have a favorite horror movie.

Peter: Silence of The Lambs.

Molly: I know its basic but you can't go wrong with Scream.

Nathan: Cabin in The Woods. No matter how many times I watch it I don't get bored.

(Can you tell I struggled?)

[mysticalrambling]

Dance with Me? (C.E)

My Main Masterlist is here.

Chris Evans Masterlist is here.

Summary: a song can be associated with many memories...

Warnings: none.

._._._._.

Seldom, do you and Chris ever throw a party. You both love your friends, yes but with all sincerity, the pair of you prefer to much rather sit at home, cuddle, watch a couple of sappy romance films; just enjoy a mundane intimate night. However, you both are actors and with that, comes the responsibility of maintaining your social lives. 

Planning a party is dreadful and still to this day, one of the reasons you try to delay doing things like this to the last minute possible. 

“Darling, you look great,” near the entryway, he keeps his gaze trained on you as you keep fumbling with the back of your dress.

“As if. I can’t get this stupid dress to knot. My hair is all kinds of frizzy today and my makeup looks horrendous.” A scoff makes its way past your lips the moment you finished your little rant.

“Say whatever you want; I’m standing by my statement.”

“You and your politically correct statements.” 

He knows that you don’t exactly approve of his recent endeavors so he tries to steer clear of the conversation. “Darling, you don’t see what I see.”

“What? An insufferable mess?”

“No, the prettiest woman alive.”

“Nice save, dumbass.”

Walking towards her, he speaks in a playful tone. “We still on that nickname?”

“Yes, for all eternity. I addressed you as dumbass in my vows so it’s legally my obligation.”

Crowding you up from the back, he gently takes a hold of the silk belt hanging loose by your sides and tugs you backwards flat against his chest. Teasingly, you glare at him through the mirror but he doesn’t really seem to care. Tying it in a perfect knot, he places a kiss on your shoulder and murmurs with affection lacing his voice, “Can’t wait to take you out of this dress.”

“How romantic.”

“It’s the best way to express m’love.”

“Sure, dumbass. Go downstairs and entertain the guests, just have to make some improvements.”

“See you on the other side.”

As he starts to walk out, you call after him with a hint of sarcasm dripping from your tone, “Stop being such an actor.”

“Too far gone, can’t stop now, darling.”

You can’t help but laugh as he leaves. 

Some people are very punctual because the moment the clock struck eight, a stream of cars came pouring into your driveway, one after the other. Chris didn’t want to rush you because you have been pretty stressed out lately. Your new upcoming project might have been a source of it so Chris was trying to give you space. 

“Any new projects you working on, Evans?” Pulling him out of his thoughts Robert came to stand right next to him. 

“You’ll get to know with the rest of the world.”

“You seriously think your fans don’t know that you’re starring in the Gray Man?”

Mouth a gape, he couldn’t formulate a proper sentence without stuttering. Sometimes, he truly did forget his fan base’s crazy devotion to him. Thank God, you weren’t here because you would’ve never let him live it down. 

The small group formulating around him subtly shifted their attention to the stairs and Chris didn’t have to turn around to guess who had captured their attention. 

“Can I have this dance?” Turning around to face you, he let a smile grace his lips. After your first party together where you asked him for a first dance, it has been like this ever since. You like to recreate moments; be it your first date or your first dance. 

“Of course, m’lady.”

Swaying to the beat of the song, he soon came to a realization that it is the same song you both danced to the first time. A loud laugh escapes him when he realizes that you are behind this. 

“You really are something else, babe.”

“And you love me for it.” Lips close to his ear, she lightly whispers to him. 

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Drawing me in and you kicking me out

You've got my head spinning, no kidding

I can't pin you down

What's going on in that beautiful mind

I'm on your magical mystery ride

And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me

But I'll be alright

“You’re so cheesy.” 

“What? I just really like the song.” Dipping you in his arms, he brings you a little bit more closer than you would deem appropriate for a public setting. Oh, but who are you to complain. “Boy, you really are not good at this whole dancing thing.”

“Excuse me, mister? I’m not the one with two left feet.”

“If I ask any other girl to dance with me here, they won’t constantly be stepping on my feet.”

“What makes you think any girl would like to dance with you, old man?” 

He speaks after bringing you back in his arms, “Babe, everyone wants me. Now hush, my favorite part is coming.”

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I'm winning

You know that you shouldn’t be tearing up at these words but it is a reminder of all the good moments with your husband. Your first kiss, your first date, your wedding and now your first baby.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Wha- What?” 

“Don’t stop dancing, Chris. We don’t want everyone to know.”

After getting his bearing back, he whispers softly, “I’m so lucky to have you and our life is perfect.”

“I wouldn’t change anything about it.”

“Nothing, baby.” A gentle kiss at the end of the song sealed the promise of forever between you both. “Perfect time, I guess.”

“Perfect time.”

._._._._.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

A/N: There was a note from editor that I think I should keep to myself for now💀 @peculiarpenman. Hope you all enjoy this because it has been sitting in my drafts for too long😊

P.S. poster credits: @peculiarpenman

Like, comment and reblog.

._._._._.

[coralsgrimes]

It's a shame, but his entire EP release was compromised by his choice to name the first song 11:11, while JH made a point of identifying herself as the person the song was written for. And, the worst thing was that photo showing that it was something related to JH and her ex-husband which leaves a clue that Ben really got involved in the mess that was the separation of JH and B.

And, if Ben imagine that only a few fans have learned of the thing, he is mistaken, for sure some journalists who talk about celebrities know too. Regrettably, Ben has had terrible career management, he is so talented, if he had had better agents during his career he would be on the same level as the 40-year-old actors who are currently successful.

Only a miracle can give him a fighting chance to be the next James Bond. JH 11:11 doesn't help on it, definitely.

Beside terrible tase in women he also has bad taste when chosing his projects. OR let me all show ye the comment he made back in the day.

He wasn't joking here tho...

And he is signed with WME in US and some other agency in UK, pretty sure. And WME is one of the Hollywood's top tier. So he... Like I don't wanna say bullshit cuz I don't know what the truth is, but he either makes very bad choices or he really is bland and no one wants him. And if I remember right, he said that he does not wanna take gigs far from home/family anymore BUT later he went for Shadow and Bone me Daddy. There was this talk on the street, that he was trying to get himself casted in some big time rom-com. Later he said that he could not do some film (the rumored rom-com) cause of scheduling issues. The meaner people speculated that he did not get the part and blamed scheduling to feel better.

The Bond Thing... So I talked with someone bout this before. He was kinda sharing his interest in being Bond too, but.... realistically? He has like close to no chances xdd It's a big af money maker now and they will look for someone who can carry it, it is someone with pre established box office presence. The guy from the awful show Bridgerton?? whats his face?? don't care lol. Even he has more chances than our Benny Boy, far more fan and media attention and he booked like 3 or 4 high profile gigs since January? Welp, for the past two years Ben only had SAB and now the Del Toro project. And the EP comin out in two weeks...

The meltdown is coming October 15th too and whenever the mv with Lima will drop. Like he digs his own grave while we lookin xd

And... No one cares about him that much? Page Six maybe for the Backgrid photos (I'm sure tho that e!news posted the ice cream outing first) and all the 'Jules uses Bens shoulder to cry on' articles that followed. People Mag last month was def paid for and they never even posted the vid/article to their ig feed (I don't wanna check RN but I'm pretty certain they did not). He has fans to worry about only. Maybe they hoped for some publicity for SAB with the pap walk in January but the shit backfired so fucking much. The Montana thing was circling around too. He got a lot of backlash for those and I bet ye, if the shit happened after SAB premiered he would be fucked.

And you know. He choses the worst possible people as his... women or something? C-list celebrity who is generally either hated or forgotten (I think she lost a lotsa ig followers around the Montana time too). Then we have Floriana xdd but props to Benny for getting Evan somehow tangled in the mess...

[tillmays]

They didn't notice when the last two weeks with Riley flew away... The last mission together, as a team, as a family. Matty called everyone to the war room. Riley was zoned out and for some reason was really nervous.

Matty- well before we start, let's make the best of it today. Riley, show me how hard can you go.

Bozer- wait ... what?! We still have a week left?!

Riley- that was a week ago.

Mac- it can't be I thought the same thing. bozer made a calendar about it.

desi- he made that thing THIS week.

Riley- it's okay boz, but today isn't my last day, don't worry.

Bozer- oh thank god because that means we still have time to make a Farewell party!

Matty- let the partying for later we have work to do.

But in fact Riley was lying Matty and her knew that was the last time within two months they were going to see each other. Matty sends them to a mission where the team faces an entire army. when they help an American reporter escape across the border from a South American dictatorship. They completed the mission in full success. 3 hours later they are back at the phoenix. They were all sweaty and covered in dirt and Matty was already waiting for them at the lab, she was looking for some dresses.

Mac- hey Matty.. We are here what's going on?

Matty- something surged. I need...

Riley- what?!  But we just got here.

Matty stared at her in a way saying to shut up. — I NEED to you guys go to this event.

Mac- Matty, I get that something surged, but we just fought an entire army in another country in the other extreme of this continent.

Matty- well I get you're tired but need to do your job and stop complaining Blondie.

Riley- can we shower first?

Matty- later.

Bozer- and where are we going?

Matty- It's a big event, you're going to the mansion of this Director, producer, I don't remember his name. , but he produced...what is that movie of the weird alien and the kid that flies into the moon?

Bozer and Mac got excited they jumped out of joy cause they knew who she was talking. — OH MY GOD it's Steven Spielberg!! *They said at the same time.*

Bozer- he's one of my favorites from my childhood oh god if I was making movies right now...and the movie is ET by the way.

Desi- how old are you? Jesus.

Matty- well but its fine since y'all are too tired to go.

Mac and Bozer- no it's fine we can do it.

Matty- well apparently your hero likes to make it big but hastily and very private. He's celebrating the premiere of his new project at his house. It's a big party it will have a red carpet and please, behave. Don't you dare to embarrass me, and if you try to make a move to meet him I will kill you. Your job is to get back a microfilm.

Riley- I microfilm? All this for a microfilm?!

Matty- it's not just that, someone is going to trade it at the event. There is something important in that, that the bad guys can't have.

Riley- can we shower now?

Matty raised her arm pointing towards the door.

At the party.

Mac was wearing his classic black suit. Bozer was wearing a dark blue suit. Desi was wearing this gorgeous light blue metallic dress. With clear heels, she was wearing a bun and a light makeup. And our girl Riley, she was breaking necks that night. She was wearing this black and red dress, black heels and her box braids.

Riley and bozer walked together thru the red carpet. while Desi an Mac did the same. they are in.

Bozer- uh this is exciting. 

Desi- someone's not sleeping tonight.

Riley- let him enjoy this.

Bozer- yeah.. it's not everyday you are this close to meet one of your heroes.

Riley and Bozer were on this mission together. They were walking around until Bozer got distracted. He went to talk to some men, he knew they were producers and other writers, Bozer was in his element. Riley was at the bar behind him, listening to how well he thrived in that environment. Riley used his phone to hack into the cameras and see what was going on in the other rooms.

Desi- Has anyone seen anything?

Riley, well, nothing here. Unless you count all the attention Bozer gets, nothing.

Mac- me neither, I don't think something's wrong here.

Desi- I think the same. * said as Mac walked towards her, and she gave him his drink *

This man went to the bar and saw Riley all alone, he thought of saying hi.

Riley was playing with her drink, she was bored, she felt like she was wasting time, she felt stuck, she felt lost, she felt ... nothing ... and everything at the same time. ”why im here, we will finish this in a couple of hours..*she looked at the clock counting the last hours before she left to her undercover job, she saw Bozer behind her* i bet they aren't even going to miss me* but in that moment someone saved her from her own thoughts 

Man- didn't your mom told you that you shouldn't play with your food?

Riley made no move, showed no sign of interest.

Riley- well, if you pay more attention, you'll see that this is not food.

Man- your right. *Riley kept playing with her glass of whiskey and keeping her eyes down on the table as he sat next to her * so who your with?

Riley- excuse me. *she was giving him the back looking to the other way, but keeping her head slightly in his direction. Bozer was paying attention of what was going on behind him*

Man- I mean, what production are you with on the movie? Or something?

Riley- no, I'm just ... here you know. With one of “the productions” *she imitates him as if to imply that she was not going to say anything *

Man- oh I get it, I just wanted to know if you wanted

Riley- no uh

Man, but what if we could?

Riley- never gonna happen.

Man- Damn, are you psychic or just not interested?

Riley- no, I'm just busy.

Man- and what's keeping you so busy and alone in this beautiful party? *Riley turned around but didn't expect to see that. It was Chris Evans. She was amazed, but she was good with hiding her face expressions but for a second she was melting inside*

Riley- Well “Mr. Want to know it all”, I'm not alone, but I wish I was right now.

Chris- oh I see you keep it real.

Riley- mm I try.

Chris- you want to come with me, let me introduce you to some friends.

Riley thought it was a good idea. Might help to start moving around and cover more time, and see who had the microfilm.

Riley- you know what? Okay, hey Boz come on!. *She called to Bozer without taking her eyes off of his, they caught him off guard, and he said*

Chris- oh well I, I mean, I thought-

Riley- what?

Chris looked at her feeling somehow, he knew she was a big deal  and that dress wasn't helping.

Chris- uh no, it's just that, * put a hand in his pocket * I mean, I thought it was just the two of us.

Riley- well, you were wrong, move it Bozer. * Bozer turns around*

Bozer- oh my god!! It's Chris Evans !! Oh! Man I love your job and your last movie .. Man you kill it!

Chris- thank you man, apparently it seems that, today only one person likes me. *said while looking at Riley *

Chris- well come on.

Riley, Bozer and Chris hit it off at the other room, they were having such a good time, she almost forgot she was working.

At the projection Room.

Desi- hey so what's your thing with the alien movies?

Mac- it's not a thing, but Stevens work has changed the way movies are made now, and you can't deny he's good at his work.

Desi- so you're that kind of nerd.

Mac- good news for you, I get that a lot.

They laughed and kept talking. Riley saw them from the other room. But why she was checking up on them, she didn't care what they were talking, or why Mac was smiling that way, she didn't care. Well that was that she was telling herself.

Chris- so you want to head it off?

Riley- yeah I don't know.

Chris- oh come on, live a little.

Riley- let me check something with my friends first.

Chris- fine, but you better hurry. Some friends are bringing old microfilms to choose and watch an old movie.

Riley- they bring what? *Riley senses were alert and tried to get information about it*

Chris- yeah they are putting old movies at my place later.

Riley- well wait for me ok.

Chris- I knew you were gonna say yes. We live in 5.

Riley and Bozer went running back to Mac and Desi*

Bozer- dude where are they?

Riley- I don't know let me check my phone and see what I got on the cameras. Look they are close to the entrance, lets go.

They found them and they formed a little circle.

Bozer- we have to go.

Mac- why?

Desi- what did you do?

Mac- please tell me you weren't looking for Mr Spielberg?

Bozer- what?! No! Why y'all always think it's me!

Riley- guys!, pay attention. The microfilm isn't here.

Mac- what do you mean that the microfilm isn't here?

Riley- Chris friends are going to have a little screening at his place. And he told me that they are bringing some microfilms.

Mac- so they used this party to hide the real one.

Desi- but that makes no sense.

Bozer- just like this whole day girl.

In that moment someone crashed the party. They heard when the tires of a car screeched and everybody outside the red carpet started to run and scream. The gunshots started and the 4 of them looked at the door.

Riley- everyone outside in 3 ok.

Desi-  count on it.

Bozer and Mac helped everyone to run to the other side to escape. They went to the second floor to see if someone was there but no one was up there. They were walking back downstairs went they popped in to the star of the night.

Mac and Bozer got froze.

Steven S- oh guys are people up there? we gotta get everyone safe! Are you ok?

Mac and Bozer couldn't believe what was happening, but they snapped out of it.

Mac- yeah we're good, everybody it's outside. 

Steven S- well come on!

Bozer- I know this isn't the right time but sir I love your work I'm your fan!

Steve S- oh thank you son.

They were outside and they met with the girls.

Mac- hey you ok?

Desi- yeah we are good and you guys? *she got closer to mac, Riley looked what was going on, but she just frowned. Bozer and Mac walked a side and Mr Spielberg was behind them.

Riley- oh my god! I guess you are more than fine. haha

SS- oh this young man's help me get out.

Riley- yeah the safety of others is their top priority. *she winked*

SS- you two are to lucky ladies.

Desi and Riley just laughed.

Man- oh Steven where have you been? 

The guys were more the surprised.

SS- oh Bruce calm down, I'm fine.

Bozer- you're... you're.

Mac- Bruce Willis. Hi nice to meet you.

Bruce- hi nice to meet you all. Steven what the hell it's going on man??

SS- Bruce I want to introduce you to these young mans who helped me get out of that chaos.

Bruce-  uh they remind me of the goonies.

Bozer- the goonies??

Bruce- yeah.. you have that vibe of that kid, the chubby one. *everyone laughed* 

Mac- no we actually are more of the die hard type.

Bruce- oh really, i dig it.

SS- you can't see it even when you have it in front of your face they clearly are like the A- team.

Bruce- what? youre out of your mind. they are more of a... * they kept discussing while walking away.*

Bozer- wow they are like a Mac and Jack uh.

Riley- uhh Jack isn't going to believe this.

Desi- don't worry he can watch Die Hard anytime he want.

Riley- hahaha, i really miss him. *Bozer put his hand on Rileys shoulder.* 

Desi received a phone call. she looks at her phone. -its Matty.

Bozer- do not answer that, we better move now.

Riley- i will go find Chris.

Mac thinking “ why? we can just track his phone and find the place” but as always he didn't said something. 

Mac- i will go with Desi we will meet you there.

Mac just raised his eyebrows making a little smirk. Just trying to see her reaction. he make that Jack Daltons face when is trying to be provoke someone and put them on their nerves. 

Riley turned around and stared at him frowning her face. while saying to herself “dude what” she thought. while her mind was spinning like crazy wondering what was that. he was just saying it or he was trying to play mind games. 

       ..........................................................

This is the hair i picked for Riley for this one. wait for the second part :) ;)

[becccaaawww1989]

*Long Post, But If You Like Reading Please Read*

So I've decided to take on a huge project that probably SHOULD have been done sooner, but I don't think COULD have possibly been done sooner. So here's the story and here's the project:

!STORY TIME!

I was a creative writing major in college... However, I have not written anything for a year, and the whole year prior to that, every time I sat down with a notebook or at the computer it was torture. I used to save my creative writing homework for last cause I knew I'd enjoy it, but my final year that wasn't the case. I was told in my creative writing classes that my writing - if it was good enough - would protect me. It would protect me from those embarrassing moments I was writing about, and from the anger of other people because when it breaks down to it, it's a story and we read for good stories. Well, that wasn't the case. My writing was good, and that wasn't the case. Rob was wrong. I was wrong.

Then enter two years of depression followed by anxiety. Pretty much convinced I had no support from anyone in my life and then at the same time my anxiety started making up conspiracy theories about myself... how convenient. I stopped going to church, I stopped really believing in God [like I KNEW, but like... do you even care? Clearly not, so why do I put my trust in you? Type thing]. Through a very emotional night I confessed what I had been holding in for months about my confusion, bitterness and anger to Evan and of course Evan suggested I start going back to church but I was so reluctant. I didn't want to, but any time I went with him I felt almost as if my body had been full of static (like TV static) before church, and after it was like living with a clear screen. I could breathe for a little bit.

So this one day, I am sitting at work, minding my own business and this little girl comes in and gets a french manicure. Conversations take off and she starts telling me how her Dad's a pastor and I started to open up a little bit about my story and my doubts and that I grew up in church yada yada yada. So she invited me to her church... and feeling like it was maybe God finally paying attention to me again, I went. And I continued to go for a couple of months. They were warm and welcoming and EVERYTHING I WANTED... but any time there were events, my schedule didn't match up and I started to think that even though Solid Rock was what brought me back into the habit of going to church, maybe that wasn't where I was supposed to be. Which sucked cause there were a lot of amazing people there.

So then this one day I was tapping through Instagram stories and my friend from freshman year of college had posted this quick story about the church she had started going to, 2|42. I sent her a quick message about what it was like, and she was happy to respond. I then texted Evan and said "we are checking out another church." I swear I could hear his eyes roll through the phone.

Showed up at 2|42 and it was kind of everything I wanted, but for the longest time couldn't find a way to connect so while I was still going to 2|42 I was looking around at other churches... being me and preparing for the future I was already thinking "okay, I want my kids to be able to be in JBQ and Missionettes..." but I felt God pull me back and kind of tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I don't know what the future holds or if I'm still gonna be around the area for that. I had so much else to worry about before I worried about JBQ for my currently nonexistent kids. So focusing on the now, I ended up staying.

In the meantime with all of this going on, (excuse the language, but I can't find a better way to describe it...) shit hit the fan in my own personal life. I was battling with my roommate pretty much almost on a daily basis, feeling left out - on purpose - belittled, ignored and I honestly don't know what I ever did to her. As well as the Gymnastics Club board was having issues and I cared way too much about them that their stubbornness and my will to fight for myself was causing issues. When it came to personal interactions between people I called friends, I knew that I was no longer this sweet innocent freshman, I had some dirt on my hands, blood on my face, and in a lot of ways I wasn't afraid to show it. Creative writing encouraged me to un-sensor my work, so you could say my vocabulary expanded. It taught me how to talk about things in my writing that I typically wouldn't talk about. Personal thoughts, experiences, family issues, fears, intimate conversations and connections with friends. But in most conversations it felt like I would have been more respected by the people that surrounded me in my everyday life, if I had just stayed sweet and innocent, and never stood up for myself... or had never even written at times. It was as if they respected me as a Christian when I was 100% all about Jesus all the time, but didn't respect me/my beliefs when I was struggling with my faith - which is a common thing to struggle with. It was as if loosing my innocence was what lost me respect which was strange because everyone else was allowed to lose their innocence and they were welcomed with open arms into the club of people that could earn the "Platinum Certificate of Depravity." So after a night at sidetracks, I said goodbye to Dave, told him I loved him and I remember closing the door that night and deciding I needed a break.

The weeks that followed were ones where I was realizing that if I wanted to keep my income (as a nail technician) I would have to retire from gymnastics. I could not pull out one final season. So the plan was to talk to the board and strike a deal to keep my position without doing gymnastics for one last year and see if anyone wanted to be "trained" to take it over from me. But if it hadn't been for a warning from a close friend, I would have been blindsided when told that the board had not only talked about it without including me or notifying me, but had also decided that in order to continue making the videos for the team for the 2018 - 2019 season and posting on the Instagram and promoting the club... not only would i be doing that for free, but I would also have to pay the FULL 210 club dues. Without doing any of the gymnastics that came along with it. Which was the reason we were all there to begin with. I wasn't going to pay to do a job I should be getting paid for, and I wasn't going to pay to record everyone doing things I wished i could still physically do... which by the way, sucks. So I quit right then and there, handed over passwords and walked away. I gave away most of my leotards a month ago. *Not belittling the club or the current board, I am just explaining my decisions and how it felt.*

But it really left me feeling alone. All I had was work, Evan and my roommates. However, 2|42 was promoting this thing called ROOTED. If you joined there was a chance you would become a small group afterwards, so after weeks of saying no, I finally said yes. The group was a total God thing, and tonight was the first night since quitting the gymnastics club and completely walking away from it that I felt like I was going to - in all aspects of my life - be okay.

So... with that being said, I have been thinking about it, and it is about to be a huge project. But I have gone through, removed all previous pieces of writing from my blog, it is currently "Under Construction". This will take MONTHS. But I have started writing again. It is darker, and heavier and not what one would expect. However, I want to show the transformation of my life through my writing. From the moments of lost friends, to realizing that I had lost them, to the issues that followed, with the loss of faith, to feeling - like I said - covered in dirt, scares, lies, pain, drama, ultimatums and the struggle between wanting to break away from it all and become someone or something else or becoming and embracing the person you are meant to be with all of your dirt all over you. Innocence gone, friends gone, yearly traditions gone, mock awards gone, potlucks gone, Halloween and Christmas parties gone, leaving group chats, exiting conversations... to this life that has gone from a bad reputation to someone who is reclaiming it. Surrounded to alone and from alone to surrounded. From unforgivable to forgiven. From supported to unsupported from writing stories to writing poetry, from innocent -> Guilty -> Forgiven and finally a story of life without God to a life with God.

I would really love the support from anyone who enjoys reading. You can follow the link and click on the follow button or (with that button) set up an email that will be linked when I first re-launch it. I will probably share this again, but I am really excited to "relaunch" something that has had such a negative impact on my life and turn it into something I am proud of.