#yes you can get fresh food dumpster diving if you time it right

[catwouthats]

This is why I hc them all as criminals that steal food as they travel.

They just leave notes like “sorry! I couldn’t afford to pay :) have to save the world now! -Love, Flash” but the store owner would be like Norwegian or some shit and not even understand the note so they would get mad anyways

That or they do them a favor like pick some flowers and make a bouquet as a thank you

Or they just straight up steal from large businesses.

I did it again :)

[hareofhrair]

cf: yes, hello, i have recently found myself in the position that living on the streets is my only option. though not to get into any life stories i find this turn to be a pleasant, if not mysterious one. would you mind being bothered for some tips or advice for such a new lifestyle? if it helps, we are capable if not rather fond of camping.

"I'm real sorry ta hear that friend. that's a rough time fer sure. I got tips fer ya sure- Get a sleepin bag and a good waterbottle and a membership with a gym so you can use their showers. Worry about water before food. Ya can go a lot longer without food than water, especially when you're outside all day and stayin on tha move, as ya should be. Lingerin anywhere too long is a good way ta get tha drones called on ya. If yer gonna dumpster dive fer food, start with tha supermarkets fer food what's still packaged and fresh. If they've got their shit locked up, move on to tha restaurants. Slimmer pickins and grosser, but they don't lock their bins as often. Trust yer nose. If it don't smell right, don't eat it. Find some resources on foraging in yer area if yer near any place where edible plants might be found. Tends ta be lean eatin, but it can make a difference if ya hit a run a bad luck at tha dumpsters. If ya decide ta beg or busk, scope out tha area fer a day first and take note a any other folks what are panhandlin in the area. Folks can be territorial, but also if there aint nobody hawkin in that area, it's prolly on account a it aint safe. Find shelter ta sleep in any chance ya can. Iffin ya can get a tent, that'll save yer life when it starts gettin cold. Pitch under trees or otherwise outta sight. Iffin ya can, find other folks what are sleepin rough and sleep in groups. Ya don't want ta get caught alone out here. Approachin other folk can seem like a gamble, but most of em have enough problems and aren't lookin ta start fights, and tha handful a folks what would try ta hurt ya are likely ta look fer easier targets if ya got other folks around fer back up. Oh and fer god sake, keep yer shit with you, always. Keep your eyes on yer shit or it will not be your shit anymore. Iffin ya need ta run, everythin that matters ought ta already be in yer hands. The most important thing about bein on tha streets is ta get off em as fast as possible. Tha longer yer out here, tha harder it's gonna be ta ever get stable again. I do alright because I'm built different or whatever, most folks just suffer and die ugly, unnecessary deaths. Whatever ya gotta do ta make this as temporary as ya can, do it. I'm sure whatever yer leavin is worse than tha alternative, I know ya wouldn't be tryin this if it weren't. But if there's any other option, you take it, and be grateful.

But forget all a that and just swing by my tent, alright? I can give ya a safe place ta sleep and I got enough food ta share. I'll help ya figure out where yer goin and what yer next move is gonna be. I aint good fer much in terms a support, but I got experience if nothin else, and I know a lot a folks, and that's better'n nothin."

[multi-dimensional-turtles]

Chapter 3: Apriiiiiiiil O'neil!

Short collection of stories of how they met and befriended April (we are still in the exposition of this story, unfortunately. We're almost there though!)

This ended up being over 5k words long, be warned. Ao3 link if needed

“Look! It’s an iguana with a top hat!” Mikey pulled it out of the dumpster and shoved it in Raph’s face. The older turtle wrinkled his nose at it and pushed it down. Mikey’s brightly colored nails popped against the old wrinkled skin that had real stitches in it.

“You know that’s taxidermied, right? It’s a real iguana?”

“Cool!” Mikey set it down and dived back in, no longer in Raph’s vision as he continued to search. Something tore inside the dumpster and Mikey gagged, “Oh gross, old food.”

“Yeah you’re gonna find a lot of that in there. Do not eat it unless you want Donnie to go all doctor on you. I will tell him.”

He heard a raspberry being blown at him. “Just because I’ll eat a lot of stuff doesn’t mean I’ll eat random sludge I found in a bag. I’m not that gross.”

“Sorry, I just don’t have faith in you.” He shrugged and looked back towards the street. He waited for the familiar silhouette of the pizza scooter to come into sight. He kept his hood up, a medical mask on, and his red ninja one off.

Coming up to the surface made him nervous, he never liked doing it. Yes the fresh air is nice, but it is New York, how nice is it really? It was only a little better from the sewers. Plus there are so many people, they always call for the pizza to be far away from the busier parts of the city, but Mikey loves to drop by whenever he can convince his brothers.

They’re not allowed to go out without disguises, Raph looks most similar to humans since he’s the only one that doesn’t have green skin. His skin is dark brown, but the red spots, three fingers, and shell are a dead give away that he’s not normal. Mikey has a dark green skin that you can’t really see in the dark, but up close it’s obvious, especially with his yellow spots.

If they actually went to the more active parts of the city, even the night couldn’t protect them thanks to all those billboards and lights. Which is why Raph wants to avoid it as much as possible, and why he really tried to convince the others to tell Mikey to stay. He’ll just have to be able to convince Mikey not to drag him to that part of the city.

Humans are not safe, no matter how much Mikey wants them to be.

“Is the pizza here yet?” Mikey asked. “I’m getting really hungry.”

“Not yet, I’ll let you know when. Just keep searching for… what are you searching for?” 

“Something cool for Donnie. I… may or may not have dropped my phone in the tunnels and I need him to fix it for me.” Mikey popped his head out with a sheepish smile. His mask was bright against his face, making his red eyes pop out even more.

“You really need some wire tied around that thing. How many phones have you broken this year?”

“Hey! I’m only on my third!”

“It’s not even fall yet!”

Mikey groaned, rolling his eyes. “I’ll be more careful this year. My goal is under five!”

“Yeah and Donnie might help with that by giving you an old flip phone, or no phone at all. You gotta be more careful with that stuff, or you’ll never be allowed out of the tree alone.”

“Blah blah blah, whatever,” he went back to searching.

Raph sighed and rubbed his arms, looking back towards the street. He tensed up when a door on the side of the building opened and a woman walked out, carrying a trash bag and looking down at her phone.

“Human, Mikey stay down!” he whisper-yelled, ducking behind the dumpster. He shimmied in between it and the wall, shell scraping against brick. He held his breath and heard Mikey stop rummaging around.

It doesn’t seem like the human noticed them, thank goodness they’re all so distracted by their phones. It has saved them more times than he can count.

Footsteps came closer and Raph’s heart started to race as they stopped in front of the dumpster. He heard a sad sigh and a small “Whatever,” as she lifted her trash bag and threw it in.

It hit the dumpster hard and Raph gasped when he heard a quiet “Ow.”

The human’s feet stopped just as she was turning away. A few quiet seconds passed and she muttered, “What the…?”

Mikey looked up just in time to see the human look in. She had giant red glasses and a yellow beanie on, curly red hair surrounded her dark skin. Her eyes widened when they locked eyes. He froze, holding his breath, and she seemed to do the same.

“Uh… s-sorry,” she stuttered, her eyes jumping all over him. “I uh… what- did you-”

“It’s cosplay! I am uh… a ninja kappa?” Mikey quickly came up with an excuse, waving his hands to show he meant no harm.

“Three fingers. How did you- a cosplay?” she reached in to touch his hand.

“Mikey!” Raph shouted, climbing out from his hiding spot and pointing his sai at the human. She pulled back and took a step away, her hand going to her pocket and she pulled out a pepper spray. “Back off!”

“Me?! You rushed out at me!” she shot back.

“Raph stop! She wasn’t going to hurt me!” Mikey climbed out of the trash, grabbing his brother’s shoulder. The woman’s eyes widened when she saw the shell “Sorry, he’s just overprotective.”

“Overprotective?! She's a stranger! What if she hurts you?!”

“See! Overprotective. I’m Mikey! What’s your name?” He held out a hand to the human.

She hesitated but grabbed his hand. “April. Uh… what are you?”

“What do you mean? We’re human just like you!” he pulled his hand away.

“Uh huh… Sure.” She glanced at Raph, who was still glaring at her. “So uh, where are you from?”

“Sewers,” he answered without hesitation. Raph turned his glare to him. “Uh, I mean, Manhattan?”

April laughed, “Well the city is just as dirty.”

“Prettier though! Man! You’re the first person we’ve ever talked to- outside of the main parts of the city I mean.”

She gave him a skeptical look. “Really? Well, I just moved here so you’re the first people I’ve officially met, aside from my landlord.”

“What’d you move here for?” Raph could see Mikey practically beaming as he talked longer.

“Moved out for college. I should be heading back up though, it was nice to meet you!”

“Yeah, nice to meet you!” Mikey waved as she turned away and started walking back. As soon as she was out of sight, he turned to Raph with a giant smile. “We talked to a human! A real human!”

“We’ve talked to the pizza people on the phone before,” Raph growled. “I don’t like her.”

“You don’t like anyone. I can’t wait to tell the others!”

“What?! No way, they’ll kill me for letting this happen! And you’ll never be allowed to the surface ever again!”

Mikey waved him off. “Maybe if I tell dad, but not Leo or Donnie! Maybe she can be our first friend!”

Raph scoffed. “Yeah right. Friend.”

~~~

Whenever they left the tree, Mikey would try to stop by the same alley to see if April was there. Donnie was interested, and so was Leo, but he seemed more nervous about it. Occasionally Mikey would leave on his own, sneaking out without the others knowing to see her. It took weeks for him to catch her again.

That night he hadn’t snuck out as well as he thought he did. He was climbing down a fire escape near the dumpster, sitting down out of sight. After a few minutes of nothing happening, something heavy hit the fire escape from above. He looked up to see familiar purple leg warmers.

“Did you follow me?” he asked with a huff.

“Did you really sneak out of the lair again?” Donnie asked, making his way to him.

“What do you mean again? This is my first time!”

As his brother reached him, he pulled out his phone to show a video. It was Mikey sneaking down a sewer tunnel, looking around him. Donnie swiped to show another one, and another, and again, and again.

“Okay okay, when did you get the camera system?” Mikey crossed his arms. “And where are they all set up exactly?”

“I had set them up a few months ago. And I’m not going to tell you where they all are, you’ll just avoid them.” Donnie put his phone away. “So, is this where you’ve been sneaking out to? What are you doing here?”

“Remember when I told you about that human we met a few weeks ago? I’ve been trying to see her again!” He turned back to the street. “She has to live nearby, maybe I’ll get lucky again!”

“Have you seen her since?”

Mikey deflated. “No. I hope I will soon, she was really nice! She didn’t seem freaked out that we were turtles! Though I told her it was a cosplay. She was scared when Raph pulled out his sai. Maybe she doesn’t want to see us again. He probably scared her away.”

Donnie frowned at his brother's attitude change. “Hey, cheer up, maybe you’ll see her tonight!” He looked towards the street and saw someone turn into the alley. “Maybe that’s her?”

“Yeah right, she’s not gonna be the first person to show up- oh my gosh it is her!” Mikey jumped up before leaping over the railing.

“Mikey!” Donnie shouted, going down the rest of the fire escape before doing the same.

The human- April, jumped back when Mikey landed. She seemed to recognize him and rushed over. “Oh my god, are you alright?!”

Mikey sprung back up from his landing stance. “Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t a tallfall! And I am a ninja after all. It’s great to see you again!”

April laughed in relief, “Thank goodness, are you sure you’re fine.” She glanced over to Donnie, who straightened his stance and held his breath awkwardly.

“Yeah I am! Oh, this is my brother, Donnie! He’s… also in a turtle cosplay.”

Donnie, still standing stiff, gave her a wave. “Hi?”

April waved back. “Right, the ninja… what was it?”

“Kappa! Japanese turtle monsters, but we’re good kappa!”

“Right, sounds familiar. How old did you kids say you were?”

Donnie slowly walked up to her. “Uh, I’m thirteen, Mikey’s twelve.”

“What? Oh my god, where are your parents? What are you doing out so late? Don’t you know it’s dangerous for you to be out in the dark?”

“I already told you, we’re ninjas!” Mikey took off his nunchucks and swung them around.

“I thought you were cosplayers?”

Donnie interjected, “We are! But we’ve also learned how to use our weapons. Our father is a martial artist.”

“And he’ll go all martial art on our shells if he knows we snuck out,” Mikey added unhelpfully. 

“Uh huh, so it might be best if you head on home before he notices.”

“He won’t notice! We kinda do this all the time. Once he falls asleep, that is, sometimes he stays up late and we can’t sneak off.”

“And your mom?”

Donnie shook his head, “We don’t have one.”

April stopped short. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“No don’t be, we never had a mom. Our dad actually adopted us, we don’t really know the story though.”

Mikey opened his mouth to say something but his (new) phone buzzed. He looked down to see a message from his father. “Aw man, we did get caught.” He showed the message to Donnie.

Donnie quickly checked his own phone to see a similar one. “Guess we won’t be leaving home anytime soon.”

“Man, and just when we ran into you again,” Mikey pouted. “You’re like, our first friend.”

April frowned. “You don’t have any friends your age?”

“It’s too dangerous for us to leave home,” Donnie explained. “We’re um… not from here.”

“Oh… I think I get it. Then here, give me your phone.” She held out her hand. Donnie handed his first, and she typed something in before handing it back. “There, now you have my phone number. Just let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Really?” Mikey bounced on his feet. “Wahoo! First friend!”

“Thanks! It was nice meeting you!” Donnie said, turning to leave. “Come on, if we’re not back home soon, dad will kill us.”

“Stay safe you two!”April called.

~~~

Over the next few months, Donnie and Mikey would sneak out to meet up with April. Occasionally she had food for them, which was great because it wasn’t always easy finding money in the sewers to pay for pizza or any other take out. They would bring home extras for the others, coming up with an excuse.

Leo wouldn’t meet her for a while until he snuck out after them one night, doing the same thing Donnie did to Mikey. He was really curious about the human himself, so he wasn’t as upset, but he made sure not to let Raph know what they were doing.

“Why haven’t you introduced her to me before?” Leo asked. “I need to make sure she’s actually safe to be around.”

“Probably because of that. We don’t need a Raph 2.0 watching us,” Mikey said.

“It also just hasn’t come up,” Donnie added.

“Oh, there she is! April!” Mikey waved over.

She laughed when she saw them, a bag of take out on her arm. “I’m here, I’m here.” Her hair has been growing out, black growing from the roots. She’s been wearing a new jacket too, a bright yellow one. Today her shirt was a Captain Mask shirt, a cartoon they watched. “Who’s this?”

“This is our older brother, Leo!” Donnie introduced.

“Ah, another ninja kappa. Why do you always come in those cosplays? I can’t imagine how much money you spend on the full body paint.” She gave them a skeptical look.

“It’s like our second skin,” Mikey giggled.

Leo looked her up and down, his eyes lingered on her shirt for a moment. “So you’re the person my brothers have told me so much about?”

“And you’re the one brother I had yet to meet. Great to finally do so, Leo. I’m April.” She held out her free hand.

Leo took it, catching sight of a bracelet with lots of charms hanging off. Batman, Spiderman, a lightsaber, a Captain Mask helmet. “So… you’re a nerd?”

“Leo!” Donnie pushed him.

April laughed harder, “I guess you could say that. You don’t have much room to speak though, considering the outfit. All of your cosplays look so real! The details on the shells are amazing, did you make them or commission them?”

“Oh- uh, I guess Mikey and I worked pretty hard on them,” Donnie said, looking anywhere but her.

“Anyway,” Leo interjected. “I see you’re a fan of Mask?”

“Only the biggest.” April opened the bag of take out and started handing it to them. Mikey plopped down on the floor and opened a box of dumplings. “I’ve seen all the iterations.”

“Even the 90’s live action?” Leo questioned.

“Which one? The movies or the show?”

“The show of course, the movies are classics! Not many people know about the show.”

“Probably for the better, but it did have some really good moments and ideas! If only they had a bigger budget and a few more writers.”

Mikey and Donnie exchanged glances, already starting on their food, this was gonna be a long night of listening to these two talk about Leo’s favorite show. They talked about their favorite iteration and characters, the worst plots and the best. The rest of the food was cold long before they made their way back home. Leo was definitely a fan of her.

~~~

Yoshi was no fool, he noticed his sons leaving their home more and more often. Earlier and earlier into the night too, which was making him nervous. Often he would stop them from leaving just to have them wait a little longer, making them nervous too.

Funny enough, Raph never seemed happy to leave. He refused to let the others go on their own though, he was always an anxious boy. Maybe he’s worried about his brothers getting into trouble.

Whenever Yoshi asked what they were doing or where they were going, they would come up with a whole array of excuses. The skatepark, a playground, food run, or just leaving to get some fresh air. It would be normal if they truly were doing these things, but most of the time they seemed to be flustered to have been caught. Leo and Donnie would always assure him that they would be safe, take the normal routes, and stay out of sight. Raph would promise to keep them from the busy parts of the city.

Yoshi still couldn’t help but worry about them. He was too old to leave the sewers as often as them, he would only leave when they were running low on food. Aside from that, most of his energy was put in training them and taking care of them home.

However with how often they were leaving to get food, he had more time to himself to relax. So with nothing to do, and more energy than usual, he followed them out one night. It was easier than it should have been, they were too busy joking with each other to notice they were being followed. He’ll have to have them train with their senses more. They may just be children but just existing is dangerous for them.

He followed them across rooftops on the other side of the street, watching them jump and do dangerous flips one after the other. They made it across each one flawlessly, and Yoshi couldn’t stop himself from feeling some pride. They were turning out to be such good ninjas, better than he was at their age.

Eventually they jumped into an alleyway and didn’t come back out. Yoshi frowned and went to the ground floor himself. Through the shadows on the other side of the street, he barely saw them sitting all over a fire escape. They must be taking a break, but they shouldn’t have been winded so soon. Yoshi has noticed they are stronger and have more stamina than any other human child. Perhaps due to their mutation?

Looking both ways down the street, he waited for a car to pass before rushing across it, running to the front of the building. He was trying to act natural since there were a few other people around. It was an apartment complex with a few stores on the bottom floor, just like the surrounding ones.

He went to the alley on the other side of the building, planning on climbing up the fire escape on that side to get closer to his sons. However there was a group of humans already in the alley, the scent of alcohol and cigarettes coming from them. He could see chains and crowbars near them, a bad feeling formed in his gut. 

Yoshi quickly ducked back behind the wall and went back to his sons, pulling on his hood. His sons weren’t safe here, they should keep moving, he needs to warn them. They were too young to defend themselves!

“Leonardo, Raphael!” he called as he ran into the alley. Those two were the oldest, they were in charge of their brothers when they were out.

All four of them turned to him, eyes peeking over the railing. “Dad?” Leo asked, climbing over the railing and dropping each level until he finally hit the floor. “What are you doing here?”

“Nevermind that, there’s a group of unsafe humans nearby. You shouldn’t stop so in the open!” Yoshi urged, “You need to keep moving, or at least rest on top of the buildings where you won’t be seen.”

“Oh, uh, sure, we’ll do that.” Leo looked up to his brothers, fidgeting with his gloves. Yoshi squinted at him, noticing how anxious he was acting.

Mikey jumped to the last level on the fire escape, leaning off the railing. “Did you follow us?”

“Is a father not allowed to worry about his children? You all have been leaving home more than usual. What is it you do here in this alleyway?”

The brothers exchanged some guilty glances. Donnie spoke up, “Well, uh, this is the spot we order our food to. We like to wait here.”

“You shouldn’t be interacting with humans so much, what if they realize you’re not normal? Besides, we don’t have a lot of money to spare, and we have food at home.”

Mikey frowned. “How do you know humans are so dangerous? Have you ever met any? What if some of them were nice?”

“Michelangelo, I will not argue about this with you. Either get to the roof of this building, or you all are coming home, now. And we will be having a talk when you do.” Yoshi folded his arms and started tapping his foot.

Raph flicked the back of Mikey’s head and they all started to climb the fire escape. They moved slowly, clearly upset. None of them were excited to have that talk with Yoshi , he may force them to tell him what they’ve really been doing.

However they were only able to climb a few flights before they heard a scream come from the street, making them freeze. “Let me go!”

“That’s April!” Leo shouted, already jumping back down.

“Leonardo! Wait!” Yoshi called, but he was already running towards the street. His brothers followed without a word, making Yoshi panic before following them.

Leo turned the corner to see April being held by her arm by one of five men. He didn’t have his swords on him, he often doesn’t because he never thinks he’ll need them, but they were trained in hand to hand combat first.

So he rushed in and jumped kicked the guy closest to him. He wore a jacket with a dragon on the back, twisting around in loops.

“Hey!” the guy next to him shouted, raising his crowbar. This one had a piercing on the side of his left ear and a purple dragon crawling up the other side of his neck.

Leo raised his arm to block the blow, but it never hit him. Instead it got stuck in Raph’s sai. His brother twisted it, tearing it from the bigger man’s grip, before stomping on his foot.

The guy holding April let her go as his friend jumped back in pain. He had a pony tail and there was another purple dragon on him, this time a piercing climbing up his ear. What was with this theme?

Before he could do anything Donnie came between him and everyone else, hitting him in the chest with the end of his bo staff. Piercing dude stumbled back, grabbing his chest.

The other two, one with a dragon on the side of his face and the other with twin dragons climbing up his jacket sleeves, came forward to grab Leo and Donnie. Mikey came in low, hitting him in the stomach with a punch, not even bothering to use his nunchucks. Leo grabbed the other guy’s arm before he could grab him, using all his weight to throw him over the shoulder onto the ground.

The first guy was getting up, but before anyone could advance, Yoshi appeared on his shoulders. He pinched a nerve on the man’s neck, making him fall down. As he did, Yoshi jumped off of him and kicked the man that Raph was facing square in the chin.

Donnie gasped as he was grabbed from behind, and arm snaking around his neck and cutting off his air. 

“Donnie!” April pushed herself off the wall where she was cornered before punching him in the nose. As he let go of the turtle, she pushed him against his shell towards his family and pulled out her pepper spray. The man screamed a curse as the red mist crashed into his face.

Leo pulled Donnie closer to himself before April turned around, grabbing his arm. “Come on!” she shouted, leading the way to the alley way. She put her pepper spray away and pulled out her keys.

“Don’t let them run!” they heard one of them say.

Another shouted, “Stop freaks!”

April reached the door in the alleyway, quickly unlocking it with her key. Everyone ran inside, including Yoshi who was watching her very carefully. She shut the door as fast as she could and locked it behind her. There was a loud bam against the door and an angry shout.

April took deep breaths, her hands shaking as she stepped back from the door. “Fu-udge,” she was about to mutter a curse before remembering the teens in her presence. She quickly turned to them, noticing the rat flinching and trying to put himself in front of them. “Are you guys okay?”

Leo and Raph looked at Donnie, who spoke up first. “We’re fine, are you?”

April nodded, but as she opened her mouth to say anything else, Yoshi spoke first. “Who are you? You said my sons name earlier, how do you know them?”

“Son?” April asked. Then as the realization hit her, her eyes sparkled. “Oh my goodness! You’re their father I’ve heard so much about, it’s great to finally meet you!”

“You… what?” Yoshi turned to the others for answers. None of them looked him in the eyes, finding the stained hallway carpet or off white walls more interesting.

“Wait, did none of them tell you about me?” April also looked at them, all of them looking more and more guilty, even Raph. “I know you guys say he didn’t like humans, but come on! He’s your father! You guys gushed about him so much!”

Yoshi turned away from them and to April as more banging came from the door. “Is there somewhere else we can talk?”

“Uh, sure.” She squeezed past everyone and led them through the hallway. It was quite cramped, only one turtle could walk ahead at a time, Yoshi just barely fit next to Raph. They went up a few flights of stairs before April stopped at a door and unlocked it.

For as small and uncomfortable the rest of the building was, the room wasn’t too bad. It was bigger than Yoshi’s old apartment. Still, the living room and the kitchen were combined, but at least the bedroom wasn’t also combined with it.

“Would anyone like something to drink? I got water, tea, and soda,” April offered.

“We’re good for now,” Yoshi said. His boys looked at him strangely, he has never turned down the offer for tea before. “What was it you said your name was, young lady?”

“Oh, right.” She stopped going through her cabinets and leaned against her counter as the boys got settled, either on the ground or the couch. “I’m April O’neil. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, and I have a few myself.”

“We weren’t trying to hide anything from you, either of you, it’s just-” Donnie started speaking, but Yoshi raised a hand to him.

“How long have my boys known you for?” he asked.

April took a deep breath to think. “A few months now, towards the end of summer? I just moved in here and started classes.”

“Ah, so you’re a college student?”

April nodded. “Yeah, just started. Freshman year so… my parents managed to keep me out of the dorms, luckily.”

“I see, and what degree are you going for?”

“A communications degree. I’m trying to be a reporter but, I don’t know, we’ll see how that goes. Oh! But I promise I have no plans of telling the world about, well, you all.” She gestured to them. “I just, I don’t know. Your sons were the first people I’ve met here and it seemed like they needed a friend? It must be hard meeting people while being… whatever you guys are.”

“I told you we’re cosplayers!” Mikey reminded her.

She gave him a look. “Mike, you should know by now I can sniff out a lie almost anywhere. I know you guys aren’t human.”

Raph scoffed. “Then why aren’t you afraid of us? Shouldn’t you be?”

April shrugged. “Should I? You guys seem pretty friendly. I like your company. It’s… nice to not be around so much normal. Though, New York is anything but normal.”

“Well, I thank you for helping my sons,” Yoshi told her. “I have much to think about, and much to discuss with them.”

“I should be thanking you guys for saving me! You all were awesome! Especially you, Mr. Hamato! I know you’re wary around humans, and I understand why. But feel welcome to come back here, okay? Just shoot me a text and I’ll bring you guys up.”

Yoshi smiled at her. “You’re a very kind girl. I won’t stop my sons from visiting you, as long as they tell me about it and any other human friends they have.” He gave them all a look, Leo laughed nervously. “Oh and, there’s no need to call me Hamato. Although it is my family name, I have no ties to who I once was. Please, call me Splinter.”

“It was great meeting you. I can show you to the fire escape, those men still might be out there and I don’t want anything to happen.”

“That would be greatly appreciated. I do not like running into that Purple Dragon gang. Nasty people.”

April laughed and nodded in agreement, bringing them back to the hallway. She opened the window to the fire escape, which thankfully didn’t have an alarm attached to it. They all climbed up, waving their goodbyes.

Raph went last and paused for a moment, giving her a look. “Thanks for helping Don. I guess you’re not the worst human.”

“That means a lot coming from you. Stay safe, okay?”

“You too.” He ducked out of the window and April closed it, watching them leave before heading back to her room.

It would be awkward around Raph and Splinter for a bit more, but after a while she became close friends with them all. She dreaded coming home for breaks, but after her first summer break, she came back to them throwing a welcoming party. It felt like her place was in New York, with them.

[cooliogirl101]

Anyway yeah the idea of Hisana-in-KHR wasn’t leaving me alone so here you go:

The story starts with Nana, formerly Christina, deciding that she really didn’t get to see enough of the world in her past life. She still wants to be a doctor though, so she decides why not combine those two goals-- basically she puts the names of a bunch of countries into a hat and picks one at random, which brings her to Italy.

And hey, she’s cool with that. Italian food’s awesome and she’s always wanted to learn the language. She gets a job at a nearby cafe and eventually gets really good at making espressos. Life is good.

(She does discover that Italian medical schools are...weirdly intense. Or at least the one she’s attending is. Granted, it’s been a while since she’s been a medical student but she definitely doesn’t remember learning how to treat serious burn injuries and gunshot wounds in her first year. She’s not complaining though, she’d much rather learn from real life experience than from a book.

This is also where she ends up coming across the most annoying guy she’s ever met in either lifetime. Dude hit on more women in a day than she made espressos in a week. Even more irritatingly, Annoying Guy is something of a genius, which really just makes her even more determined to beat him.

He also has the dumbest name she’s ever heard-- seriously, what kind of name is Trident, anyway?)

The first time she meets Iemitsu goes something like this: as she’s taking the trash out behind her apartment, she witnesses a blond man run past her and dive straight into the dumpster. Less than a minute later, three men holding guns run up to her, demanding to know where blond man went. She points them in the wrong direction even as she helps conceal blond man further by very considerately throwing her garbage on top of him. She then brushes her hands off and heads back into her apartment without a second glance back. Blond man shows up at her work the next day with a box of her favorite cake, earnestly thanking her for her assistance in a way that feels sweet but also more than a little stalkerish. Blond guy discovers the cafe serves really good tiramisu in the process. Blond guy keeps coming back for said tiramisu (and the company, but he’s claiming it’s the tiramisu). Somewhere down the line, blond guy becomes Iemitsu and eventually, something approaching a friend.

The smell of fresh espresso caused Iemitsu to look up.

“Bad day?” A familiar voice asked.

“That obvious, huh?” He replied, taking the offered espresso gratefully.

“The fact that you’re currently on your third tiramisu clued me in, yes,” Nana said dryly. “What’s wrong?”

“My family wants to meet my girlfriend,” Iemitsu said gloomily.

“...and?” Nana asked after a pause, when it became clear he wasn’t going to elaborate. Sure, she understood that the initial taking-girlfriend-to-meet-family meeting could be a bit awkward and nerve-wracking, but it wasn’t three tiramisus level of nerve-wracking. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” 

“Ah.” Nana paused, then very carefully kept her voice neutral. “That...is a problem, yes.” 

“I got so tired of them hounding me to ‘pick a nice girl and settle down’ that I just made one up,” Iemitsu wailed, covering his face with his hands. “And now they want to meet her and obviously I can’t introduce them to an imaginary girlfriend and--”

“Can’t you just tell them you broke up?” Nana pointed out reasonably. “People break up all the time, it happens. And if you pretend to be heartbroken about it, you can probably buy yourself some time before your family starts pushing you to date again.”

“....right, there’s just one problem with that. I kind of got carried away with the whole thing and, well, when I said ‘fictional girlfriend’, I really meant ‘fictional wife’.” Iemitsu sighed dreamily. “We fell madly in love six months ago and eloped last month. It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, you know? Very romantic. She’s the love of my life, the sweetest, kindest civilian girl, and she laughs at all my jokes, and she thinks of me as her hero, and--”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Nana interrupted. “On a completely unrelated note, have you ever considered therapy? I’m saying this as a friend, Iemitsu. A very concerned friend.”

“That’s right, we are friends, aren’t we?” Iemitsu asked, suddenly perking up. He reached out to grasp her hands, looking at her with shining, hopeful eyes. “And friends help each other out.”

“...did I say we were friends? I take it back,” Nana muttered, looking at him warily. He ignored her.

“If you pretended to be my wife, it would solve all my issues! Or at least, buy me time to figure things out. And I can arrange all the paperwork and stuff, hell I can make up an entire separate identity for you, I just need you to play along for one night to prove that I actually have a wife and I wasn’t just making things up.”

“Which you were.”

“No one has to know that,” Iemitsu waved her off. “Please Nana, you’re the only civilian girl I know, it has to be you! And like I said, it’s just for one night. After this, I can tell everyone I don’t want you involved in Family business, and you’ll never have to do it again.”

“You can’t just hire an actress or something?” She asked. 

“No, I already tried that. Twice. They scared too easily, didn’t even make it to the mansion,” Iemitsu dismissed casually, like that was normal. 

Nana swallowed. She wasn’t stupid, she knew Iemitsu was involved in some shady shit, even if she didn’t know the exact nature of his work. 

“If you pretended to be my wife, I would have an excuse to pay off your student loans,” Iemitsu added.

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it, she couldn’t believe she was even considering this.

“...fine,” she said grudgingly. “One night. And I get to help in making up my own fake identity.” She was definitely going with the fake identity option. There was no way in hell she was having her actual name tied to Iemitsu’s. 

~Many years later~

“You are Sawada Tsunayoshi, yes?” Reborn asked through gritted teeth after finally tracking down his target, three wild goose chases later and in a completely separate country than the one he should’ve been in, according to the report he was given.

Tsuna blinked.

“Yes?” He asked hesitantly.

“Son of Sawada Iemitsu and Sawada Noriko?” He confirmed. 

“Uh, no,” Tsunayoshi said, looking at him oddly. “My mom’s name is Nana. And her last name isn’t Sawada, it’s Fujiwara.”

He pointed across the farmer’s market at a petite brunette woman who was currently engaging in a tug-of-war with a man nearly twice her size, over what appeared to be the last daikon radish. 

Reborn looked at her for a long moment. Then he looked back down at the file he was given on Iemitsu’s wife.

Sawada Noriko

Age: 36

Hair color: Neon pink

Eye color: Black

- nearsighted, wears purple glasses

Country: United States

Occupation: Aspiring actress

Description: 

- kindhearted but naive, mild-mannered, avoids confrontation

- has no knowledge of Vongola or the mafia

- The delicate flower of my heart, the love of my life, the sweet nectar that quenches my thirst-- Sawada Iemitsu

Reborn considered the information that was in front of him for a long moment. Then, slowly, deliberately, he ripped the report in half. 

“I,” he stated calmly, “am going to kill Iemitsu.”

(So like I said, I couldn’t really imagine Hisana/Christina/Nana getting together with Iemitsu for real. A fake marriage AU, on the other hand….)

[disgruntled-fbc-agent]

control prompts/suggestions: jesse just after ordinary? or a few months after, trying to figure out polaris and starting to get a handle on how to survive on her (mostly) own?

When did it get so cold?

The biting wind had distracted Jesse for a moment, letting her need for shelter push past the hunger pains in her stomach to run to the nearest alleyway. The old flannel that was much too big on her wasn’t doing enough, but she still silently thanked the voice in her head that had told her to grab it from the open bag on the street. There were a few holes, and it smelt heavily of some sort of animal when she had first picked it up, though it smelt more like dirt and sweat as Jesse pulled it close to her face, and pulled herself close to the wall of the alleyway.

Four months now. That’s what Polaris had told her. Four months since she had let her world go crashing down without doing anything about it and letting so many people get hurt and then just running from all of it. Letting the consequences go to others. Go to her brother. She had tried turning around, tried to find him again, but they took him. It was hard for her to fully remember who they were, especially as her body reminded her of its pathetic lack of food, but she knew that they took Dylan, somewhere that she couldn’t find him. 

No, she had to find him. She was going to find him. If Jesse was going to do one thing correctly in her whole stupid life, it was going to be finding him. Like the books she would read at school, usually when she was supposed to be “actively engaged” in her work: the older sibling goes through trials, goes through hardships, but with the help of a strange companion, always saves the day. What happened after the back cover, after the “the end” didn’t matter to Jesse at the moment. She had the strange companion, always hovering in her mind in the way that her mother would always hover over Dylan, giving everyone that would listen lectures on how he was going to be something great and that he needed to be protected at all costs. She certainly had the trials, running from city to city and hoping she didn’t die or that they didn’t find her. 

Jesse had to save Dylan. 

It was the thought that got her to push herself off of the wall, looking around to get an understanding of her surroundings. Should she have maybe checked her surroundings for danger before she ran into the shadowy alleyway? Possibly, but the chime in her mind that she still wasn’t quite used to reminded her that she had another set of eyes. Polaris would’ve warned her about any sort of danger. Just like she warned Jesse about not even daring to think about trying to find something to eat in the dumpster Jesse had spotted. But, as Jesse had learned, she couldn’t do much to stop her from doing things, especially something like deciding to dumpster dive for food. 

But, some things could stop Jesse from dumpster diving. Like the smell of freshly baked bread coming from somewhere nearby.

Jesse’s stomach growled again as she stopped, one hand on the cold metal of the rusted dumpster. It couldn’t have been her imagination, right? She looked around, almost holding her breath to see if she could find the source. Even if it was a terrible idea to try and snatch some food from a bakery, her hunger was preventing her from thinking straight. All she had to do was not get caught, right? She would make it seem like she was never even there. In and out. Surprisingly, Polaris almost seemed to agree with her idea, as Jesse’s focus was gently moved towards a slightly propped open door by the swirling chime that filled her vision. 

Obviously, Jesse went towards the door. 

The smell of the bakery hit her even harder as she peeked through the crack in the door, feeling the warmth of the inside brush against her face. She could hear someone somewhere deep inside, but she couldn’t see them, only the rack of bread that sat just a little out of reach for her arms. Of course. She would probably have to open the door more to even hope to get one of the loaves off of the rack. And if whoever was in there could just stay far away from the door, that could be her chance to get something. But it was only a chance, Jesse knew that. 

“Tim, come up front,” a voice calling through the bakery startled Jesse, but she managed to keep her focus and balance, trying to hear the conversation, “there’s someone I would like you to meet.”

“I’m still sweeping, mom,” Tim called back, still sounding far enough away that if Jesse wanted to try, she could’ve possibly had reached in and grabbed a loaf without the boy noticing. But she didn’t. She waited. 

“How long does it take you to sweep back there? Hurry on up and get over here, okay?”

“Yes mom.” There probably wasn’t a tone that Tim could’ve used to sound more bored, as the sound of a broom brushing against the floor gently danced out from the bakery. Jesse mentally kicked herself for not taking the bread when she had the chance, but she quickly realized that Polaris was yelling at her about something far more important, it seemed. 

That was when she heard the growling. And it wasn’t the growling of her stomach. 

Jesse was barely able to get out of the way of the dog that charged at her out of seemingly nowhere, pressing herself against the far wall of the alleyway in an attempt to stay out of its reach. Despite the scrawniness of the dog, and the way Jesse could see its ribs poke out as it took heavy breaths, it was a big dog. A big dog that wanted to tear her to shreds for some reason. 

Special, Polaris chimed to her, though she wasn’t exactly sure what that meant. But there was no time to play the normal game of “guess the meaning” at the moment, as the dog turned to look at her again, letting out a loud growl. 

Jesse was trapped. 

The only place she really had to go was the dumpster, which her hand reached out for as the dog poised to leap at her, the other hand instinctively reaching out to protect herself. As if she would be able to fight off a stray dog with one hand. She managed to pull herself up onto the base of the dumpster, where there was a ledge to stand on, but she couldn’t get high enough to stop the dog from getting to her legs. Jesse shut her eyes, and while her mouth opened, she couldn’t quite tell if she was screaming or not as the pain surged through her and sent her mind into a blank. 

But the growling turned into a whimper, and as the pain subsided for just a moment, Jesse opened her eyes slowly. The dog was lying further down the alleyway, as if something had pushed it back. Polaris chimed to Jesse, in a way that almost reminded her of a soothing song. Like a lullaby. Jesse could feel a weird bubble of energy around her fading, a feeling that she had had before but still didn’t quite understand. The “guess the meaning” game wasn’t working too well on that one for the moment. 

“Not you again,” a voice cut through the silence as the dog had just started to get up, almost sending Jesse’s flight response into overdrive. “Fucking stra--oh shit.” Jesse had tried to start moving, to start running far away, but before she had even processed the source of the voice around her, an arm wrapped around her shoulders, and the chill starting to creep up her legs was quickly turned into warmth as she was pulled inside. “Mom! Get back here now!”

Jesse had a difficult time adjusting to her surroundings, but when her body began calming down from whatever had just happened to her (like four months ago, the memories were blurring in her mind despite being so recent), the smell of fresh bread hit her again. The bakery. For a moment, guilt overtook her, at the idea that she could’ve taken the bread from them without them noticing. And at the idea that the people inside were going to see her as some precious, innocent thing, as if she hadn’t gotten attacked by the dog in the first place because she was going to steal from them. 

“Tim, what’s going on?” Jesse looked up just in time to see a woman walk into the area, watching her eyes go wide as she looked at Jesse. She was probably a sight to behold, with the flannel that was way too big on her, the blood running down her leg, and her hair matted and chopped so short because of some unfortunate moods and her inability to wash her hair.

“That stray again, I, I think he attacked her,” Tim responded, his voice shaking a little. 

“I can see that part.” The woman pulled a towel out of her pant loop, gesturing for Jesse to sit as she wrapped it around her leg. Jesse hadn’t noticed how skinny and frail her legs had gotten until then, especially as the woman tightened the towel to act like some sort of wrap. “Stay here with her. I’m getting an ambulance.”

“Wait--” Jesse tried to get something out, tried to beg the woman not to call anyone, but her voice was failing her. And the look in the woman’s eye told her that she wouldn’t get away with just a leg bleeding out everywhere. She needed medical attention. Even Polaris agreed about that. 

“We’ll focus on the complicated stuff later. Stay there. And, Tim, get the girl something to eat.” The woman hurried out back to the front before Tim or Jesse could even respond. 

Neither Jesse nor Tim spoke once the woman left, the only noise coming from Tim ripping a chunk off of a loaf of bread and handing it to Jesse. But Jesse could still feel the kindness. She wasn’t alone, despite the fear deep in her stomach that tried to convince her that she had to run from people, even from people that treated her with kindness. The way that she sat next to Tim reminded her of all the times that her brother would sit down next to her, hurt or scared or just needing the support of his older sister in some way. But she was the one that needed support then, she was the one that was leaning her head against Tim’s shoulder, as the towel around her leg slowly turned red with her blood. 

Just a trial, she kept telling herself, like in all of the books. She was going to get through this. She was going to find her brother and save him and tear the people that hurt her apart. 

She glanced up at Tim for a second, as he started to hum some sort of song. 

One day, she was going to save all of them, too.

[atsukashii]

hii! for your even can i ask for a madeleine x shoto todoroki + she/her + ☀️ + baby blue. thanks!

(btw who’s your bias?)

take my hands now you are the cause of my euphoria

✘ there is nothing good about being sick... unless you're being doted on by your pro hero boyfriend... then okay, there may be a few good things.

✘ GENRE: fluff

✘ WARNINGS: aged up characters,

✘ WORD COUNT: 1.3k

There are two things on this planet that you positively despise.

The first; spiders because obviously. And the second?

Getting sick.

It was so impractically frustrating. What made it more annoying was the knowledge that you were almost one hundred percent sure that it was a result of stress. As if your body wasn’t strong enough to handle a major presentation at college, trying to be a good girlfriend, and your deadbeat partner who has left you to do the entire assignment yourself. You’d pulled an all-nighter beforehand, completed the presentation, not held back on giving your partner a big fat zero in the group evaluation at the end for her complete disregard to do literally anything, then caught the bus back to your small apartment, sniffling the whole way home.

And twenty four hours later, here you are. Stuck on the couch after you’d crawled out of bed to get some water, with your sheets trailing you like a pathetic cape. You’d made it to the kitchen, but felt dizzy on your way out, where you took solace on the couch- and made a spot where you’ve stayed for hours.

Sick. God you hated it. You’ve never felt more useless of a human than you do surrounded by toilet paper - because you ran out of tissues - and a pathetic excuse for a snack in the form of a half eaten apple.

But what is the absolute worst part of being sick? Having to ask for help. It wasn’t a strength of yours, especially when it came to asking your boyfriend of just under a year for help. At first, you didn’t want to let him know, but now that you’ve had to cancel the dinner plans that he’d taken the evening off work for, you’re feeling the guilt.

Squinting at the bright light emitting from your phone in your hand, you try to think of a less pathetic response to your boyfriend's message.

[6:55pm] FROM: Shoto Is something wrong? Do you need me to come over?

Is something wrong? Yes you were feeling what the beginnings of death may resemble. Do you need him to come over? Probably, but you can admit that it's more wanting him to come, rather than needing him to.

You’ve been trying to decide what to respond with for the past twenty minutes, and you’re sure that your boyfriend - although normally not one to stress - is probably genuinely concerned by now, so you need to offer something. Your fingers sluggishly move across the screen to try and get a somewhat eloquent response, but you grow distracted with the sound of a key being pushed into the lock of your door. For the moment, you slowly raise your gaze from your phone, peering into the dim hall you can see clearly from your couch, and taking in the figure that steps into the open doorway.

Dressed in long pants, a warm jacket that is a personal favourite of yours and a scarf that you had gifted him for his birthday months ago, Shoto stands in the entrance to your apartment. You know that you resemble the feral cats that dumpster dive around your area, but you can’t bring yourself to care as you try to fathom just how Shoto got to your place. Maybe your indecisiveness of your response had somehow manifested him here.

Your eyes drift from his handsome face down to the bags in his hands. Food? Your stomach rumbles loudly for the first time today as if it was an efficient greeting for him. But really, wrapped up in your blankets like they’re your cocoon, your muscles groan in protest at the thought of getting up. So you just blink at him.

“Madeleine?” His soft voice doesn’t pound your eardrums the same way strangers had your whole trip home yesterday, and you outwardly sigh in relief. Taking that as a symbol of consent to come in, Shoto carefully closes the door behind him, and slips off his shoes before continuing further into your apartment.

“It took you a while to respond, so I thought I would come and see if you’re alright. But I ran into one of your college friends I met from that party on my way here and she told me you were sick.” Shoto explains, raising the plastic bag in his hand in explanation. “So I thought I would grab a couple of things first.” You watch in complete awe as he begins unloading the contents of the paper bags.

Tissues, cough lollies, a new heat pack, fresh tea leaves.

Your eyes glance between the items and his heterochromia eyes, before settling on the serious look on his face. He’s still talking to you, but at this point you can’t make out what he’s saying - just simply incredibly glad that he’s here. His hair is still slightly damp, suggesting that he rushed over when you didn’t reply, even though he is dressed immaculately. Maybe once upon a time, it would have made you feel embarrassed to be seen in your state, but now you didn’t care.

“Is that my hoodie?” Shoto’s words pull your wandering thoughts back to the present, and you instinctively look down at the blue blue hooded sweater that- yeah, that was his. Pinching the material between your fingers, you look back up at your boyfriend and smile for the first time today.

“Hi,” Shoto’s concern melts away into something soft and gentle that is often reserved for you. Tilting his head as he glances at you, Shoto steps forwards into your space, and squats down to your height.

“Hi.” He parrots, placing his hand on your forehead. You practically moan at the new cool temperature change, which only makes him smile more.

“You’re sick.”

“Yeah.” You grumble, blinking sleepily at him, and trying not to lean further into his touch.

“I’m sorry for cancelling our dinner.” Shoto looks at you as if you're actually clinically insane for your words.

“You’re sick love, you don’t need to apologise. Ever. I’m just glad you’re okay.” He hesitates, his eyes keep drifting back to the jumper on your torso. “When did you manage to steal this one?”

“A few weeks ago. You leant it to me by the way, on our way home from seeing your sister. I didn’t steal it.” Your attempt at an excuse goes through one ear and out the other, because Shoto’s not listening to you. The soft smile on his face stretches bigger and bigger at your response.

“I don’t care love, steal all of my clothes if you want.” He whispers, pressing his lips to your forehead before standing up to his full height.

“Don’t tempt me Sho,” you call after him as he grabs the other paper bag and walks into your kitchen. The sound of a pot being placed on your stove and the ticking of the lighting flame fills the apartment before you suddenly see his red and white hair poke back around the doorway.

“I brought over some fresh chicken soup. Think you can eat it?” Eagerly, you nod your head. Your boyfriend was almost as good of a cook as he was a pro hero.

“I also love you in my clothes.” He adds suddenly, and if your cheeks weren’t already flushed from illness, you know you would be sprouting a red face by this point.

“I love you and your clothes,” The compliment being interrupted as you grabbed a tissue and sneezed loudly enough for it to echo throughout your quiet apartment. Shoto just smiles a full blown grin at you, pure mirth glowing in his eyes.

“I love you too, love.” He replies before slipping back into the kitchen. “Give me a while to warm it up. Try and take a nap, I'll wake you up when it's done.” He calls out from inside the kitchen, and you smile to yourself, closing your eyes and leaning your head against the back of the couch.

Maybe being sick wasn’t as bad as you’d previously thought if you got to be doted on by your boyfriend.

✘ A/N: my bias is 100% kuroo rn because that man is too fine, but also am crying in the club because no one requested iwa or tsumu :’(

©️ 2021 all rights reserved to atsukashii, do not change, edit, translate, or repost any works on any platform.

[abused-sides]

The Fun Part [Whumptober 2020]

    Prompt: No. 22: Do These Tacos Taste Funny To You? [Poisoned] 

    Synopsis: Virgil has an allergic reaction

    Trigger warnings: Cults, gaslighting/manipulation, restraints, kidnapping, non-con, humiliation, treating people like property, blood, knives, violence/beatings, a person in a cage, guns, body horror/gore, reference to murder/hate crimes/child death/minor character death, vomiting, non-consensual drugging, burn scar mentions and brief descriptions, off-screen dumpster diving, major characters talking about potentially dying (but I don’t write major character death so no worries there), branding/burning, nonconsensual body-modification, murder threat, some gross bodily fluids, blackmail, vomit eating threat, domestic and child abuse mention/implication, toxic masculinity mentioned and preyed on, survivor’s guilt, implied suicidal thoughts past and present, chronic back pain, pretty detailed description of an allergic reaction (if you have food allergies it could potentially trigger a psuedo-reaction), let me know if I missed anything 

    Word count: 1103

October 20th. 5:45 pm. 

Virgil had to force himself to stay still as Styx dressed him. 

Styx settled the suit jacket over Virgil’s shoulders, and it looked more expensive than Virgil’s entire life had been. Styx straightened his tie a few times, then immediately ruined it by grabbing it in a fist and yanking Virgil against him. Virgil gagged around the constricting fabric as Styx forced a kiss on him. 

Styx forcibly pressed their foreheads together and grinned maniacally. “Tonight’s going to be fun. You’ll be good, right?”

Virgil grit his teeth. “Yes.” 

“Good boy.” 

He reached into the teacher’s desk and pulled out Virgil’s leash. Clipping it on, he tugged and led Virgil out of the room. 

When Styx told him they’d be having a ‘family dinner,’ Virgil had expected the entire cult packed into the cafeteria. But Styx led him to the middle of the school and out a set of glass doors, where a small garden with a wooden pavilion in the centre laid. Bates, Janus, Remus, and a few people Virgil didn’t recognize sat at park tables. Everyone but Janus held a glass of wine. 

Styx shoved Virgil onto the bench across from Janus and Bates, atop a two-inch raised platform. Virgil looked at Janus in confusion, who just shook his head. 

“Finally,” Bates sighed, fingers sinking into Janus’ hair to scratch his scalp. 

Virgil grimaced as Janus leaned into the touch. Part of him was disgusted that Janus took comfort in that, but he understood. He wanted to kill himself every time Styx’s hand comforted him, or turned him on. 

Bates smirked. “We can finally get started. Let’s eat first, then we can get to the fun part. Janus, be a good boy and serve dinner.”

Janus stood, letting his leash drag behind him as he brought plates of food to everybody. Virgil’s mouth watered when Janus set his down, brushing his chest to Virgil’s back a second. 

“Really?” Virgil looked to Styx. “We get this, too? Not like boiled rats or something?” 

“When have we ever given you boiled rats?” Styx asked with a laugh. 

“Sometimes I wonder.” 

“Alright, everyone get to eating,” Bates said. “Entertainment will start soon.”

Styx ignored his plate in favour of scooping vegetables on Virgil’s fork and feeding him. He couldn’t find it in himself to be mad, being treated like a child. It tasted so good. 

He shifted uncomfortably, gaze scanning the pavilion. Everyone was staring at him. Some tried to be subtle about it, only peeking between bites, but others, like Bates, stared openly. 

A few bites in, Virgil noticed the vegetables tasted buttery, but they were so good and so fresh he convinced himself he was just being paranoid. Then the itching started, deep in the back of his dry throat, under the skin. He rubbed his tongue against it hard, but it didn’t stop. 

“Virgil?” Janus asked in concern. “Your mouth.”

“Hush, Janus, don’t ruin it.” 

Virgil scratched relentlessly around his mouth, which had grown slightly numb and swollen. He pushed Styx’s hand away as he tried to feed him more, grimacing. His stomach lurched. 

Everyone’s eyes were on him. He reached for his drink, hoping he ate little enough that he could drown out the reaction, but Bates pulled it away. He groaned. 

“You sick fucks planned this?” 

Styx poked his nose. “Don’t be rude. Finish your food.” 

“I don’t want it,” he snapped, and started to stand. 

Janus stared at him with pleading eyes as Styx grabbed Virgil’s wrist and yanked him back down. 

Styx leaned in and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t be ungrateful,” he hissed. “Finish your food. Now.” 

He grabbed a fistful of Virgil’s hair and yanked. Virgil let out a pained moan as his stomach jostled, swallowing a few times to try to stave off the vomit. 

Janus’ stomach growled, but he held his fists at his side, eyes watering. Bates cooed and held him close. “Not hungry anymore, love?” 

Styx force fed Virgil the rest just in time for him to fall to his hands and knees in the dirt, stomach contracting painfully. 

“Come on, baby,” Styx laughed, “get it over with. Show us how much you’ve got.” 

Tears streamed down Virgil’s cheeks. Sweat pricked over his entire body, heart pounding. When was the last time he had an allergic reaction? A month, two? Not long enough. It was never long enough. 

“How is this entertainment to you?” He croaked. 

“You should see your face,” Bates mused. “Right, Janie? Isn’t he so precious?” 

Janus nodded shakily. “Y-yes.” 

Virgil threw up with a gag, his body pulled taut as his muscles tightened painfully. He pounded a fist against the floor, scratching his skin along the pebbles and sticks. Everyone but Janus cheered. 

“Lasted longer than I thought he would!”

“Who had twenty minutes?” 

“Janus, go clean that up, love?” 

Janus jumped to his feet as Styx dragged Virgil back to his seat, sweating and shaking. Styx set a bowl of soup in front of him. 

Virgil’s voice cracked. “Please.” 

Styx chuckled. “It’s really good, pet. Are you sure?” 

He pushed it closer. Creamy tomato drifted towards his face, and his stomach rumbled. He picked up the spoon and tested the texture, then shuddered and nearly gagged again. He shook his head and pushed it away. 

Styx laughed and took the bowl. He sipped it slowly with a grin. “Mmm. Your loss.” 

Virgil sagged as everyone finished their meals, chattering excitedly. Janus cleaned up the vomit and sat back next to Bates. He didn’t finish his food, as much as Bates encouraged him. Their knees pressed together under the table. Virgil wanted desperately to reach under and find Janus’ hand, to grip onto him as tight as he could, but they didn’t dare get caught and separated. 

They stayed for hours, even after finishing their meals, talking and joking around. If Janus and Virgil weren’t there as tormented prisoners, it would have felt normal. They got tipsy off wine and ate more than they needed, Bates’ and Styx’s hands rubbing over their pets lightly. 

Styx dragged Virgil back to his room afterwards, grinning maniacally. He stuffed Virgil in his cage, crouching. 

“You were so good tonight, pet.” 

Virgil curled in as tight as he could. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He couldn’t bring himself to pretend. 

Styx leaned in to kiss his head, and Virgil wanted to strangle him. Lucky for both of them, he didn’t have the energy. His muscles felt like jelly. 

The door creaked closed. Virgil buried his face in his arms, skull pressed to the bars, and squeezed his eyes shut. 

[choupichoups]

✎ Coup d’État 

“You seen the new kid yet?”

“Gangster pants, black hoodie?”

“Yeah, how much you wanna bet he’s another Ares punk?”

“Ugh, no, as if we need any more of those.” 

“Oooh, maybe Hades? He’s got the style for it.” 

“What, like he just rolled out of the dumpster?”

Or: A PJO au snippet where Eliott, son of Apollo, meets his trash baby panda of a soulmate— until he’s not (a trash panda, that is, he’s still his soulmate)

@salutmonmec

✶

It’s so fucking hot.

“You seen the new kid yet?”

He’s going to burn if he stays a second longer under the sun. 

“Gangster pants, black hoodie?”

Hoodie? Who wears a hoodie in this weather? God, what’s the point of his father being the literal god of the sun if he’s still affected by this hellish heat? His dad’s a real jackass for not giving them immunity. 

“Yeah, how much you wanna bet he’s another Ares punk?”

“Ugh, no, as if we need any more of those.” 

Eliott splashes sadly, the lake water barely reaches his chest even when sitting down so he has to awkwardly hunch over in order to submerge his entire body into cooling off. 

“Oooh, maybe Hades? He’s got the style for it.” 

“What, like he just rolled out of the dumpster?”

A chorus of laughter. Someone snorts like a pig.

“Hey, Eliott, what do you think?”

Eliott looks up, blinking sleepily up at his half brothers. “I dunno.”

“Thank you for your input, enlightening as always.”

He flips them off, sighing as he drops his chin down and makes bubbles into the water. 

“Let’s get out of here before we start looking like raisins.”

“You already look like a raisin, Chad.”

“Fuck off, Hunter, at least my skin has room to breath. You’re one protruding vein away from being a walking block of ham.” 

“Hey!” 

The guys start dragging their dripping bodies out of the lake but Eliott lags behind, unwilling to part with his newfound home. Yes, he thinks he’ll stay here for the rest of the summer. 

“Eliott, come on bro, we don’t wanna miss the bonfire!” Hunter is the last to wade out the water apart from Eliott, turning around with wide, expectant eyes. 

“Right, don’t want them longing for your wonderful voice too much,” Eliott says blandly. 

“Damn right!” Hunter pushes dark blond strands off of his face, bending down to retrieve the clothes he’d discarded by the rocks. Evidently, the guy miscalculates as his back collides with a protruding boulder and it sends him bouncing back into the water like an inflatable mascot.

Eliott laughs so hard he tips over and accidentally dunks his own head underwater. When he resurfaces, everything is a hell of a lot blurrier than it had originally been. 

Great, his contacts got washed away again. Fucking Hunter.  

“Are you two done being morons yet or do you need more time?” Chad calls out from behind a tree, already dressed in his damp shirt and basketball shorts. 

Hunter grumbles all through slotting his legs back into his own shorts, shirt nowhere to be seen. Eliott could have sworn all of them had shirts on before hitting up the lake earlier. 

Begrudgingly, he crawls back on land, figuring he’s already left the medic bay long enough for at least one camper to probably pass out from loss of blood. From a papercut. Demigod children can get quite dramatic in the face of pain. 

He takes his time getting dressed, not minding at all when the voices of his brothers get too far from him to hear. They’re headed a different direction from him anyway and Eliott is very much not ready to leave the breezy comfort under the shade of these trees as of yet. 

There’s a rustling from the nearby bushes, followed by what sounds like the rushed footsteps of about four or five people. Eliott sticks his head out curiously, squinting to aid his vision. 

A group of Ares campers are charging towards a lone figure, led by Nathan, a particularly nasty addition to the Ares cabin. Eliott can’t clearly identify the dark blob they’re targeting from this distance but he’s guessing it’s the new kid. Fits the bill— loose dark clothing despite the heat, face obscured by the low fabric of his hood. 

Eliott moves to approach just as they have the boy surrounded. He looks tiny compared to them and Eliott can’t help it— it’s in his nature to care. He knows it’s nothing too bad, he’s all too familiar with the Ares cabin’s toilet dunking initiation rules. Many brave souls have tried to upend this ritual but to no avail. But maybe if Eliott makes his presence known, they’d let the boy off the hook for the meantime. 

Though before he could take another step, something peculiar happens.

There’s no real explanation for it— the shift in the atmosphere is subtle, but the air seems thicker somehow, smelling of something sweet. So sweet Eliott’s almost tempted to move closer, dive into it and drench himself in its presence. 

And... everything looks pink? What?

He quickly shakes his head, physically flailing his arms around as if to swat the feeling away. When he looks up, the new guy’s back is to Eliott, facing the Ares kids now with his hood down. There’d be nothing too shocking in this picture if it weren’t for the fact that Nathan and his lackeys are completely immobile. Eliott can’t quite make out the exact expression on their faces but from what his blurry vision allows, it’s pretty easy to spot them all slack-jawed, maybe even dazed.

The boy replaces the hood over his head and walks away, untouched. 

What the hell just happened there?

✶

✶

The other campers start gathering around the campfire almost immediately after he gets back to the medic bay, his half siblings being the first ones present, taking turns on the guitar and belting out songs to their hearts’ content. Although Eliott has always been too shy to sing so publicly, he’d normally be out there listening and laughing along with them. 

But he’s honestly feeling so gross right now. It’s probably the worst summer day of this cycle so far— he’d spilled coffee on himself shortly after his little dip in the lake, ruining the fresh shirt he’d put on right off the bat. The stain is a glaring map over the center of his chest and the many, many kids (an atrocious amount, considering there’s been less than an hour between the time at the lake and the campfire) that got sent to the medic bay in danger of a fucking heatstroke didn’t let him forget about its existence. 

Pushing his glasses up his nose, Eliott sighs, wondering if he should even bother to change or at least try to wash out the stain. On one hand, it’s late in the day and they should all be headed to sleep soon anyway while on the other hand, Eliott just wants to feel like a decent human being before hitting up the bonfire. 

The decision is made from him when a commotion starts up, the air ringing with anticipation and a few gasps from the younger kids resonating above the shocked silence from the rest. 

Eliott stumbles out, cold coffee in hand and medic coat thrown haphazardly over his dirty shirt— not that it helps any, as the thing’s unbuttoned and still showing off his spectacular stain. He stands beside Tristan and Hunter, eyes following the human shaped pink glow from across the campfire. 

But the fire rises in tandem with the campers’ heightened excitement, a golden barrier between Eliott and the occurring spectacle. Slowly, he steps to the side, long legs carrying him forward to where he can see clearly. 

And what a dizzying view it is. 

In front of him stands the new kid, except not really. The boy is surrounded by a pale pink light, and gone is the hideous hoodie and baggy pants combo— he’s dressed in a white shirt, soft and loose, showing off more collarbone than the boy is obviously comfortable with, considering how he crosses his arms over his shoulders with an audible squeak. His pants look equally soft, but fitted, dark fabric displaying a pair of legs that a part of Eliott’s brain can’t seem to stop observing. For science purposes. His skin is lightly tanned, looking like the smoothest cut of marble one might ever have the privilege of running a hand over. Eliott admits that he’d go to great lengths to prove that theory right. 

The boy takes a small step back, appearing one breath away from bolting. Eliott feels the stress rolling off of him in waves. 

Eliott must’ve twitched, breathed too loud, done something, because the boy’s eyes, wide and slightly panicked, flicker straight to him, meeting Eliott’s surely idiotic expression with a flutter of unfairly long lashes. Fuck, that pink glow is yet to fade away. He looks like an angel, it’s downright devastating. His hair’s been pushed back from his face, like a hand had brushed through it to make the most beautiful mess. Eliott’s eyes are free to wander, following the sharp cut of cheekbones down to a perfectly angled nose. He reaches dangerous territory at the sight of a pale rose lip bitten and trapped under the boy’s front teeth.

His eyes snap back up and their gazes lock, Eliott’s glasses slipping down his nose a minor occurrence that he pays no attention to. Not when he’s busy immersing himself in those eyes— a glittering pool indescribable. Eliott is a prodigy of the arts, one of the few things Apollo has done right by his children, but he feels the need to create a whole new spectrum of colour to justly describe the hue of this boy’s eyes alone. And isn’t that some food for thought. 

“Wow,” he blurts out, unable to withstand the utter beauty being presented right before him and the consequent poetry his mind is spewing all over the place.

Except he says it a little too loud and now the attention’s all on him. 

He sputters, shocked into movement like an old engine stuttering back to life. Unfortunately, he forgets about the cup of coffee he’s been holding onto so his halted flailing sends more coffee dripping down the front of his shirt, creating a new stain to keep the first one company. 

“Ah!” The cold shock of it sends him stumbling backwards and his own two feet tangle in his rush to save himself from accidentally falling into the fucking campfire. He’s thrown sideways by the force of his misbalance and he goes diving onto the ashy pile of dirt beside the fire, landing in front of his siblings’ gleeful faces. 

“Nice one, Beli.” Chad snickers, large hand coming down to pat at Eliott’s hair.

He doesn’t have the energy to protest the nickname. Instead, he pours out the rest of the coffee from his paper cup and chucks it at Chad’s head. It hits him right on the forehead, Apollo’s godly aim blessing Eliott for once in his life. 

When Eliott looks back over, a pretty flush of red has settled high atop the boy’s cheeks, spreading over his nose in an adorable show of embarrassment. Some of the others let out an infatuated sigh at the sight of it, and Eliott would’ve too, probably, if he didn’t feel like he’s gotten hit by a freight train once and then backed over twice for good measure. 

Jenna, counselor of the Aphrodite cabin, jumps up from her position on the ground and takes the new kid into her arms. “Finally!” she screeches, ruffling his hair roughly. The other Aphrodite girls happily join in to form a big group hug. They look like an overexcited party of unfairly beautiful nymphs. “Welcome home, brother!” 

✶

✶

Much later that night, Eliott ventures back out of the cabin— Hunter and Chad haven’t stopped yakking about the amount of protein intake they need to balance out their carbs while still maintaining an acceptable sugar level and Eliott really isn’t in the mood to join in on the conversation. The temperature’s much cooler now that the sun’s fully gone, enough that he has to change into a long sleeved shirt to keep the chill off of his skin. 

He hasn’t walked very far when he spots a figure curled up atop a tree stump, gazing up at the stars with a hopeless sorrow that tugs immediately at Eliott’s heartstrings. Being an empath is both a blessing and a curse. Over time, Eliott’s learned to temper the part of him that latches onto another’s emotions. He’s tuned it out well enough for him to ignore the impulse most of the time. 

But this boy radiates loneliness like a bird shot and abandoned, helpless yet surrendered to its fate. 

“Hi.”

He tenses at the sound of Eliott’s voice so Eliott makes sure to approach slowly, waiting until the boy is fully turned towards him, watching his every move, before he takes a seat on the neighbouring stump off the new kid’s left side. 

The boy nods but doesn’t say anything before tipping his head back up, eyes on the night sky. 

“It’s a pretty nice spot, huh? We can see the stars clearly from here,” Eliott says, tilting his head until all he can see are the speckles of stars against the black backdrop. “I’m Eliott.” 

From the corner of his eyes, he sees the boy fiddle with the ends of his sweatshirt— seems like he’s found another hoodie to hide under. “Lucas.” 

Eliott turns his head, the speed of which it happens is almost outside of his control. It’s a strange feeling, being affected by the sound of a voice. Lucas breathes out the name soft and lilting and he’s sure Lucas doesn’t mean to do it, but the way he speaks is unerringly attractive.

Oh. Eliott whips his head back up to the sky, not wanting to make Lucas uncomfortable. That must be why he’s so damn quiet all the time. 

They sit in silence for a while, Eliott privately steeling himself for the next sound coming from Lucas, who’s still curled up in his seat, legs folded in half and arms surrounding them tight. 

Under the faint touch of campfire, he glows— a supernova crafted by Aphrodite herself. Eliott isn’t sure whether it’s the effect of the goddess’ blessing at work or if Lucas, unhindered by the weight of prying eyes, simply carries the moonlight under his skin. 

“Do you see your favourite?” He tries again, hoping to get a lengthier response this time. The only way to get used to the allure of Lucas’ voice is to hear it over and over after all. 

“Favourite?” Lucas speaks faster this time, although still a little wary. 

“The constellations.” Eliott points up at the sky above them, tracing Lyra with the point of his finger. “They’re everywhere.” 

Lucas mumbles an answer but Eliott fails to catch it. His listening skill is one Eliott takes pride in but Lucas talks inhumanly low even for someone as attentive as Eliott. Lucas clears his throat when Eliott gives him a blank look. “I don’t know. I don’t have a favourite.”

A whooping two sentences. Eliott feels a sort of warmth come over him at the sound of it but it’s nothing he can’t handle. The thought brings a grin to his face and Eliott soon feels himself relax, humming as they continue to stare upward. 

“Mine is Pegasus.”

“Really?” 

The voluntary response only furthers his giddiness. “Yup, it’s cute.” 

“…cute.” 

“Adorable! See, look.” Eliott hops up and crouches beside Lucas’ tree stump so that they’re viewing the sky from the same angle. “Follow my hand, see it over there?”

“I guess.”

“Don’t guess, it’s right there!”

“Okay.”

“You see now?”

“I guess.”

“Come on, Lucas.” 

Gazing up at Lucas is quite the revelation. Lucas has to look down to where Eliott’s crouched down and from Eliott’s angle, his eyelashes are stupidly long. Or, well, not stupidly— rather beautifully, insanely, captivatingly. The blue in Lucas’ eyes are lit up with mirth and his lips, full and red and pursed, are quirked up in the corners with the smallest hint of a smile. 

At the risk of sounding like a bad romance heroine, Eliott is instantly breathless. 

“Eliott?”

His name coming from that voice quite literally knocks him on his ass. Eliott loses his balance and tumbles backwards, plopping into a seated position over dry grass instead of the careful crouch he’d opted for at the start. 

“Yeah, yes, Pegasus, the cute bastard,” he rambles, barely saving the moment. “The constellation reminds me of a kid tryina draw a horse.” 

Lucas is frowning up at the sky now and Eliott can practically hear the gears in his head turning. “That’s not cute, that’s ugly.” 

“Jesus, you’re gonna make a child cry someday.” 

He sees Lucas duck into the space between his chest and folded arms. Curiosity has Eliott subtly peeking forward and while Lucas’ smile is hidden behind his own arms, the curve of his eyes give him away— Eliott, emitting a surprised laugh at successfully making Lucas smile, wonders what he has to do to uncover that sight. 

“Cassiopeia,” Lucas says only seconds into the next bout of silence. 

“Hm?”

“It’s my favourite.” 

“Oh.” His name is Lucas and he likes Cassiopeia. Eliott thinks that’s a pretty good start. “Cool.”

[singularname]

ooc: First anyone can comment on this post or like it. If you want to ask me questions my ask box is open. I am more than willing to answer questions you may have.

A more cohesive list of my comments and thoughts on cats 2019, let it be known it is still hot garbage and still does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Before I go on, I want to say, Cat’s is my favorite musical. I RP Munkustrap. To critique any version (and their are lots) you have to love The Musical. Any other critique is objectively a person who will rate it badly. Cats was never going to do well, it never has despite its run length through tours and different countries. Cats has never been viewed well by critiques, and is hugely hated in the theater community which is why when you see and read those reviews you have to know they have a preconceived notion of what cats is, and that is that its weird and therefore they cannot like it.

The three biggest critiques I see of the movie (and the show for the first one) is their is no plot, which I will discuss in this review how their in fact is one, how its horny and if you thought the movie was horny well John Partridge is knocking at your door asking if you’ve had your sexual awakening yet, and that the CGI is bad, which yes it is. My goal is to show why some of these are a bit unfounded but also let you see why a person who likes the musical is so disappointed that this movie only perpetuates that this musical is a joke.

Now onto the review. It is around 10k words, so negatives are under the cut.

Positives:

Robbie tried really hard, but sadly he wasn’t enough. He had a few off beats such as his initial intro, and his smile at the end that was weird. But he was good, and he made the shit show of gumbie cat and tugger’s song slightly better by joking with jenny any dots which was one of the best jokes in the whole movie.

Jennifer was a good Grizabella. Anyone making fun of her snot has forgotten Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream, and should rightfully shut up.

The rewritten plot was bad, but the song that fit the best with the adaptions made for this horrid movie, besides Skimble’s song which I will talk about in a second, was Bustopher Jones. In the original his number is all about how well respected he is, but people remember his song is a story to make him seem better, we should not be surprised he is dumpster diving for food at all, sorry of a reality hit for old busty but its the truth.

Ian was a good choice for Gus, it was very similar to John Mills’ portrayal with only a bit more backstory. What was missing was a back and forth between someone, such as Jellylorum. Monologues are great but having a scene partner is better because that energy helps momentum and you feel things. Gus is arguably the slowest song, and it needs some livelness and no Misto’s little magic trick was not enough.

Mungo and Rumple were good. I hate the debut version of the song and they made me like it. For those wondering why we didn’t get the fun jazz number and got this slow moving one its because it came from the Debut on West End. The issue with the slow moving one is it falls in the middle where the pacing is already slow packed with more slow songs so it can seem a bit boring. I also wish Rumple kept her accent up.

The idea of the rundown theater/ballroom was really good. It allowed for a very similar feel that the junkyard presents with props and such for the cats to use. The issue is it was not our set the entire time and we are constantly taken out of it.

Skimble’s number was probably the best in the entire movie. It had the feel of the original with freshness from the tap which was genius. The tap dancing added the sounds of the railway in the same way the cats original make the train whistle noise. And the guy tapping was one of the originators of the Mad hatter in The Royal Opera House’s Alice in Wonderland so he was good. The issue with Skimble is the cut to the train and rail station which I will get to.

Negatives:

Three categories

Plot ( songs, characters, dance ), Technical ( movie stuff, CGI, proportions ), Anything I forgot.

Plot

Lets start generally. People say their is no plot even though Hooper attempted to “give” it a plot he failed. Their was no reason because all Hooper did was not only drop his plot halfway through, but he didn’t adhere to his own rules, nor did he need to add a plot at all. The dialogue was clunky at best, and not funny.

So the plot that Cats has always had is said almost immediately after the opening numbers. It is said by a grey cat that unless you know the musical you don’t know the name of but considering his prominence in the musical you know he’s important. He has solos in most songs, and even more in the movie. In the stage show this plot is seen through with a few interuptions. But here is he plot of the stage show for you. The jellicles come together for a ball where a cat will be chosen to be reborn. At times you get this threat, a cat by the name of macavity who you never seen he’s just scary. The cats ask who will it be, and the reason the songs are sung is because the cats are suggesting names of who it could be hence “i have a gumbie cat in mind...” This goes on for a bit their are two songs that don’t seem to fit in this formula, technically three, Grizabella’s songs (not memory), Peeks and Pollicles, and Growltiger’s Last Stand. Grizabella’s songs are to point out who she is and how she is distinctively not a jellicle, or no longer one. Peeks and Pollicles is entertainment they got a whole night to waste before dawn. The same can be said of Growltiger, but it is also paired with being Gus reprising a role more or less. The last two are for entertainment, just like the Jellicle Ball song where jellicles literally describe what kinds of cats they are, its also a bit of a mating dance but hey they are supposed to be cats. So we get to Macavaty he has threatened to appear quite a few times, he is scary, that is all we know. His song is sung as a cautionary tale to the audience and the kittens, he then finally appears and fights and hurts the protector among a few others and takes The Leader Old Deuteronomy. The cats are a bit distraught, then elvis cat struts in and is like what about Misto the magic guy. He then proceeds to say what Misto can do before Misto officially appears as Misto, he has been their all along though using his powers subtly to help the show progress he’s confident if their is something he is unsure about its where his powers come from. Misto brings Old Deuts back, and then Grizabella makes one last plea to the cats IN FRONT OF THEM explaining what happened and such. She gets the touch she craves and Deuts chooses her no words needed. Her plea isn’t part of a competition, it is one to be accepted being chosen is a secondary thing to that. Then we the audience get addressed formally like we did at the beginning a la “are you blind when your born” but this time its like “so you’re not a cat, so now you get us a bit more.” Then it ends.

The movie takes this fairly simple plot of party, guessing who could be chosen, we have to wait a bit before the choice can be made, threat appears, leader who makes the choice disappears then comes back, makes the choice, and turns it into a farce. Something that TS Eliot would hate. TS Eliot didn’t want his cats to be pussy cats, he wanted Hot Gossip. He didn’t want something cartoonish, which is why Andrew was given the rights in the first place. The thing is poetry should not ever be spelled out for you, is up to you to interpret, and these songs and plot is pieced together straight from Poetry. Hooper fucked with that vision, I mean Macavity falling at the end shows this perfectly, that was something you see in a damn cartoon.

The plot Hooper added didn’t work because he dropped it like halfway through. It was no consistent and because their were so many breakaways to the barge letting you see the barge instead of just thinking these cats are in perilous danger it ruins the steaks of not having them there. The plot was bad.

Additionally, and I’ll speak more on this a little later, when the cats are taken away you lose chorus cats. The only cats that are not in the entirety of the show are Bustopher Jones and Growltiger who are generally played by the same actor as the true range for them is that of an opera singer which you would never know looking at this movie.

Songs

Overture: It was weird. I thought the throwing a cat out of a car was a bit harsh and unnecessary. Also the choreography didn’t work. The camera did not know what to do. Additionally, their was some very bad CGI with opening said back. The individual cats did not get their little moments like they do in the stage show which only made them all blend together.

Prologue: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats: It was drastically cut. Not all the cats get their correct solos, or solos. Some were duets which takes away from the individuality of certain cats. It again like the overture was messy with choreography with the camera not knowing where to go or who to look at. The beauty of the cinematography of the 98 production is you got to see the full stage when dancing happened so your eye could find a focus, you could focus on what you want. We are robbed of that with the choppy cutting and the camera telling us who to focus on. Its poor film choice. Cats a musical that is more music based than les mis you can’t just cut back and forth in a duet or in a song to who is singing like you can with les mis ( which hooper also fucked up ). Also what was with only like five cats singing the solos. I’m sorry this is when we are supposed to meat the chorus, this was like a bad choir rehearsal.

The Naming of Cats: Blink and you’ll fucking miss it. They make such a big deal about a second name but then ITS CUT! They don’t name any second names, only boring first names. Like why even include the fucking song if you aren’t going to tell us character’s names or second names. This would have been a perfect moment with the sloppy cutting to at least let us put names to faces. Everyone walked out of that theater not having a clue that the silver dad cat was Munkustrap cause as important as he is his name is said once in a song, that isn’t about him. This song was pointless in the movie because they cut so much of it. 

Invitation to the Jellicle Ball: So much is cut. So much. We don’t get solos from more than Munk. Its such a sad song with how much is cut and how important it is. It gives us Victoria’s solo which is also cut in favor of a Pas De Deux, which I get you got two great ballet dancers as your leads, but like let her have her damn moment since your so focused on making sure she is the focus of the movie.

Also my second fault to Munk, aside from him having no confidence or the write key in his first line “Are you blind when you’re born.” His solo here is weirdly paced and he doesn’t speak with confidence like he is telling a story, it sounds like he is speaking fast, and just not caring what he is delivering. If your audience conduit is confused the whole time, like this chick is, then don’t rush the deliverance of what the plot is.

This song also tells us the point of the musical and invokes the question “who will it be” which traditionally leads to the cats singing songs about different cats who may or may not appear suggesting who they think could be chosen. The competition which is completetely stupid, having each cat sing their song does not work. Most of the songs are songs sung by other cats about cats. Hence the opening line of the next number.

Gumbie Cat: Rebel Wilson cannot sing well. She has decent pitch. But she cannot sing well, nor does she understand the character. She calls Jenny lazy and fat. The stage version she’s essentially the opposite. Jenny is not a fat joke. She is busy cat who doesn’t get out much, but she does alot of good.

The cockroaches and mice. Besides bad CGI aside, this concept was poorly executed. It was a good concept, a good theory but the execution made it bad. In the stage production the cats in the junkyard portray the mice and cockroaches because its an act its like a play within a play. Here we get badly CGIed kids in mice costumes that ever version of the damn Nutcracker has done better. We get tap dancing cockroaches. However unlike with Skimbleshanks’ number, we do not get to focus on the tap or the clarity of the tap because of the poor filmography which I’ll talk about later.

This number was pretty much ruined by Rebel making a joke out of the whole. Additionally, she zips off her fur. Like its not a coat, or a bigger bit of fur its her literal fur. Its just wrong and it looks cartoonish which again TS Eliot did not want for his cats poems.

Rum Tum Tugger: Jason was a smart choice, but he also did not care about the number. He wasn’t giving it all he had. He has the vocals for it, but he wasn’t giving it. The dancing in this number suffered, none of the kittens or cats in general seem to be loosing their shits over him. They seem more happy about the damn milk.

Many critics say the movie is horny, let me tell you this number has nothing on John Partridge or any person who has ever played Tugger. I mention John because he is the only one who really went their with the hip thrusts and the kittens were the only ones willing to get up in there. Their was no fear the in 98 version, here they all seemed scared to show anything more than emotion. In a song that helps define some of the chorus cats we don’t get any definition from them.

Alot of people hate some of Rebel’s jokes, but the one that Robbie teased her about was well timed and much better than the rest of the jokes in the movie. It seemed natural and not forced. It also kind of goes with the traditional relationship of Jenny and Munk, and how they view Tugger.

This is the only time we see Tugger til the very end with Munk’s song. Because he sings a song, and its not for the competition it already fucks with the plot that Hooper set forth and thus doesn’t really fit into the narrative that Hooper is trying to weave. He should have left it. Originally the song is a mix of the adult cats and the kittens talking about Tugger and having Tugger more or less clarify for them. Its a waste of his character to be honest, and a waste of Jason’s actual talents.

Grizabella the Glamor Cat: Why do we need to know her specific backstory. Her costuming and song should be enough to tell the audience what we need to know. This is classic example of telling not showing, which is a big no no in writing.

Also because of how the beginning of this movie has gone we have no connection to the damn cats singing this song. Two of them typically have had parts in two other songs by now, and one of the cats is a “psychopath” as t-swiftizzle has said and doesn’t appear til much later in the movie. Like why do these cats care. The apprehension from the stage show is not there.

Kudos to Robbie for keeping the strange relationship up where he is hairs standing on end, but still admonishing the rudeness. However it didn’t seem to have an effect. These actors are so scared to touch each other, why would they make fun of and scratch at a cat they aren’t supposed to like. The song had very little agency because of how it was performed and who performed it because we had no connection to those cats prior. Jennifer tried but damn its hard to carry a whole shit show on your back even if Robbie is trying to help.

Bustopher Jones: I said it above and I’ll say it again, this was probably the best integrated song into the plot, while the shit plot still existed. However James Cordon’s jokes did not land. He didn’t carry himself as a distinguished cat in those deliveries which would have helped the character. I didn’t mind the junk and garbage surfing because it gives you a bit of a realistic look on what he probably does at the clubs and such. Think of him like a bit of a dirtier version of lady and the Tramp.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: Again I said it above, this number objectively wasn’t bad. They took a song that I found grating and made it fun to watch and sung pretty well. However again it doesn’t fit into the contrived plot that Hooper was trying to form. Having Victoria there seemed very stupid, I will say more about how she is a poor choice for an Audience insert later. But she did not need to be there. The glory of Mungo and Rumple’s song is that no one is there, and they are taking a mick out of everyone who thinks they are Macavity. Whether it is the West End debut version, or the faster brassier verseion of the 98 show, they are alone making fun of the fact that they fooled everyone, and explain why they can do it through their song.

Old Deuteronomy: It was fine, decent. Until Judi Dench opened her mouth. I am bitter that Tugger didn’t sing the song with Munk but considering how much of the song was fucking cut what would he have sung? That is another issue this musical had, they cut so many songs, and left in songs that weren’t needed or added songs not written by TS Eliot originally at all. You miss the softer side to Tugger by not having him sing or even be here.

Judi Dench, she’s a great actress, she was not a great Old Deuteronomy. This has nothing to do with the fact that she was a woman. I would have been happy if it was Julie Andrews or Maggie Smith ANYONE, but Judi Dench. Judi can’t sing, the talk singing she did was pitchy at best. And the issue is Old Deuteronomy is one of the more powerful singers in the show. Not only that, Judi just did not command any presence. It wasn’t that she was small, it was just that she didn’t draw you to her, the camera had to do that. She molded into the background and none of the cats aside from Munk interacted with her, which made her seem like a stranger and not a cat that these other cats love and trust.

Jellicle Ball: I am crying for Gillian Lynne. This in the stage show is what many call the orgy number. It is more or less a mating dance and where we get the lovely victoria having her second big solo, followed by a lovely pas de deux with Plato who later becomes Macavity which I find intriguing.

In the movie we get Jason asking if its okay to party then they try to bring up the tempo by cutting the music awkwardly. This song just does not work with the choreography given to it. I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers, but first why couldn’t their cat names have been Coricopat and Tantomile they seemed to serve a similar purpose. Second why were they in this. The shoes ugh, but the hip hop does not match the song at all. The stick out and are just awkward.

Instead of this being a beautiful dance, with amazing choreography we get a very strange dance circle after the choreographer attempted to have the dancers dance on the softer notes and down beats, which does not work in a song with very hard up beats, and that isn’t a ballet number. The choreography over all just didn’t fit and seemed ill timed at best.

Also all of the damn lyrics were cut. The Jellicle Ball essentially explains what a jellicle is, which is what Victoria wants to be yet its not fucking explained to her, its poorly explained through dialogue and even then she doesn’t know. Like why take out the lyrics of this number. It made no sense.

Grizabella’s Reprise: Unlike the first song being in front of people, this song isn’t. But if I recall cats are watching. This is where we get the first inklings of memory. This is her plight. Its ruined by Victoria.

Beautiful Ghosts: I will say straight up I am not a fan of T-Swiftie her songs are petty at best, and this one is no different. This song was not needed. We did not need this blatant reason for Victoria to connect with Grizabella, we didn’t need it forced. The beautiful thing about the stage show is the touch and connection between Victoria and Griz is that it happens at the end of the show, and ITS NATURAL and is in combination with Jemima/Silabaub.

The song’s words are written by Taylor, and everyone is saying it fits so well with the musical and it doesn’t. We have no reason to feel bad for Victoria, yes she was dumped out of a car, but we know nothing about her past, and the song doesn’t do anything but allude to what happened. It is the epitome of “I had bad shit happen to me my whole life, but at least your life was good.” It is a song that completely lacks empathy. Sympathy is when you say “well it could be worse” and the last thing Grizabella wants is fucking sympathy. She needs someone to feel with her, not say it could be worse. This song is horrible with a horrible message and sung by a person who can sing well. BUT, its sung by the wrong character, and with the contrived plot that is being forced down our throats, it does not fit into the plot because we don’t know anything about Victoria at all.

Also it greatly irks me that everyone was okay with adding a song that wasn’t based of Eliot’s poems. Every single song in the stage production is a variation of one of Eliot’s poems whether published or not. It is a butchering of his work in a whole new way saying “here we’ll make it better” which is a huge insult to a poet.

The Moments of Happiness: Is it even in the movie? IDK, if it is its probably pitchy and sing talked all the way through, and does nothing for the story or anything. I think it might be when Deuts is looking out the window. But like the song is an addressing to the cats, kind of like an introduction or a toast for the Ball. 

Magical Gus/Gus the Theater Cat: Ian was a smart choice, like John Mills he was a smart choice. BUT, the number felt long. John Mills’ number ran long and we didn’t get all of Mungo and Rumple’s song and Growltiger’s last stand was cut. Gus’ song is the slowest in the show. What helps the song have life in the stage version is Jellylorum singing with him. Actors in my opinion do better with a scene partner, and boy did this song need. It was slow and boring.

Growltiger’s Last Stand: We were robbed a good song. And what we did get, the one line we got was contrived and Growltiger’s song was reduced to a shitty villain song, on a shitty barge, to help this shitty plot. The worst thing is that this whole barge plot WASN’T NEEDED. We do not need to see people in danger to know they are in danger. It is better to not know than to know. This is the whole issue with upping Macavity’s role in the whole musical. A villain is better when they are unknown that’s why scary movies work.

I understand the original Growltiger song is racist, but they already cut songs, and they have shown no issues in changing lyrics, so they could have done. Growltiger originally is supposed to be a reenactment of a play that Gus did. The cats all help. This is another example of ruining the relationships the chorus cats have with each other, and robs them of characterization for us to see. Because remember in the stage show every cat is on stage 90 percent of the time, minus Bustopher, who I believe doubles as Growltiger because of the ranges and such needed. When we lose the cats we are introduced to the chorus becomes nameless faces and it makes me wonder why they are even there because they have nothing that makes them stand out.

Also because so much of Growltiger was cut we loose Griddlebone which is a fucking shame. We loose that tragedy of a tail. We loose a glorious opratic number. All for the sake of a shitty villain plot that had no real steaks at all because it all seemed so contrived and fake.

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat: Possibly the best number in the show as it stayed the truest to its original form. It didn’t have much cut song wise. My issue with the song lies in the cinematography of it. This song I say rings the truest to the stage show because at the beginning we clearly see a formed railway track of beams. We get the lovely tapping to simulate the train which adds onto the other train sounds that are made in the number.

The issue is the fact that they take us out of the ballroom. There was no need for that. I will talk more about it later. But this number shows us the real issue with scale in this movie and how they have no clue how to address it at all. The cats at one point look like they are two inches tall, and at another point look like the scaling is correct. Their are many many bad bad jump cuts when they are on the actual railroad tracks. One was so bad you couldn’t even see the cast anymore. The scale is very off because it makes you question are they the correct portions when standing, or are they they correct portions when on their hands and feet.

The stage show manages to show everything this song showed within the confines of the junkyard, and it was completely feasible to do in the fucking ballroom but Hooper didn’t do that. When you have a big budget do not add unnecessary shots. That is what made the 98 version so great. They had a huge budget but didn’t over complicate the base show. The emphasized the dancing and singing and let those shine, and let the actors tell the story instead of letting the camera work and new shots tell the story.

Also the actor that played Skimble was Scottish I wish he let that come through. It would have made certain words and inflections just that much better.

Macavity: The Mystery Cat: In this stage show this song is a duet. In the movie is sung by T-Swizzle in order to get money from all her little fans. Taylor is an okay singer, i have heard better, and I have heard better for Bombalurina, both in seeing the musical live, and in the 98 version. They framed the song to be the one Macavity sings to show why he should be chosen but their are not cats to be chosen, remember that was the plot. Yeah its easy to forget.

Here’s the issue with how this song and its subsequent fight is worked out. The song’s lyrics are not changed so they talk about how bad Macavity is which in the frame of a competition to show your best qualities and why you should be chosen it does not fit. We know he was not going to get chosen, we knew from the beginning because it was shoved in our faces. Cats 2019 is a great example of a poorly written villain.

The song in the stage production is a cautionary tale told by two people who have likely had relations with Macavity. They are not only warning us the audience about him, but also the kittens who wonder who he is, who have never seen him. When you keep the context of the lyrics in with this new plot frame it doesn’t fit and only explains why he wouldn’t be chosen.

Additionally because its not a duet, and its sung by a cat we have never seen before, nor have any frame of reference for it doesn’t mesh well. Like why should we care?

Also the catnip. That is so pointless. Macavity is a magical cat, his powers to deceive and hypnotize are seen through his choreography in the fight seen with Munkustrap and Alonzo. But no we have to have magical cat nip spread by Bomby, Mungo, Rumple, and Griddlebone. Why even mention Griddlebone like this with the inclusion of Rumple if we do not get the song where we actually see just why she is an agent other than some lacky. Like this diminishes her character so much. ( And yes her inclsuion in the stage shows that don’t do growltiger like the 98 movie does also bug me this is not just a movie gripe, but the movie takes the stance to show us to her, but she is not the glorious white cat that is also so very evil, she is a wimpy little black cat who is scared that she is called out ).

Macavity’s fight seen mainly with Munk is taken away from us and given to the dumb barge cats fighting Growltiger. Again we have no real steaks in this fight. However we don’t see the barge cats again so why did it matter that we saw them off Growltiger? In the stage show, we actually see Munk, our silver tabby dad fight Macavity. It is a show of raw power that both he and Macavity have. It shows how dangerous Macavity is. It shows what cats do. They fight. We do not get this. We do not get see why all these other cats defer to Munk because his role as the protector is diminished to “I am dad cat hear me roar.” Losing this fight we loose alot of the connections we see between the main cats and the chorus cats. They all help each other, and want to fight. We see them care for a hurt Munk in the stage show. All that is gone and diminished to poor jokes, and twirling chains on a barge that looks about as real as a toy bathtub boat.

In the stage show, Macavity is scared away in this number. Which means he is still a threat but not for now. Not for the rest of the fight. Additionally this number we get the fake out of Deuteronomy coming back because that is how the fight happens. Macavity stole Deuteronomy just moments ago and to see Deut’s come back, we get a false sense of hope and a true feeling of Macavity’s madness. We don’t get that in the movie.

The movie boils him down to a bad villain in a cartoon. Which is the exact opposite of Eliot’s wishes. It is exactly the opposite of what Eliot wanted and why he was so scared to actually give away the rights to his poems.

Mr Mistoffelees: A song traditionally sung by the most confident cat in the musical Tugger, is sung by a character assassination in progress. This version of Mr. Mistoffelees tries to fit into the contrived plot of competing for a Jellicle Life and it fails miserably. A number that is traditionally loved by so many is utterly ruined by the lack of confidence in the entire delivery of the song. I will talk more about Mistoffelees’ character later.

But this song is riddled with so many starts and stops that we don’t actually get a climax to the song. And look Jason is back as Tugger, but his part is taken by Victoria, and the number just doesn’t work. I do not care what you ship. The number does not work the way it was sung or staged. Also Tugger shows back up in this number and when you think he is going to sing the a part its sung by Victoria, it cuts to her, and I was disappointed.

When Tugger sings the song, he tells you of a cat with powers. Powers that we see used throughout the show in subtle ways. Its not shoved in our damn faces. its used in helpful ways. In stage productions he opens the car for Jenny, He lights the stage lights for Peeks and Pollicles. Its all these subtle things, but he knows he is good at magic. Tugger knows this. Tugger sings it.

Victoria and Mistoffelees singing the song rips that all away. Mistoffelees has no confidence in himself though he used magic through the show, it was shoved in our faces. Victoria suggesting he can bring Old Deut’s back is completely pointless because the only magic she has ever seen Misto do is bad magic that only half worked. Now granted she has this insane ability to see the best in everyone and see them ALONE so like who knows.

But the number is ruined because their is no continuation or build up. And no conjuring turn come on. Also Robbie tried, but he is no Tugger. It feels weird coming from him. Like yes he encourages the cats, but like we also never see the other side of being parent, because they cut Peeks and Pollicles which I will discuss at the very end of the song section.

Beautiful Ghosts Reprise: I have no clue if this is before or after Memory. But Victoria’s agency in this number is so stupid. All her interactions with Grizabella were in private where no one saw. Her touching Grizabella means absolutely nothing to us as an audience for many reasons which I will go into later. But here it means nothing because Victoria means nothing to the Jellicles as she isn’t one.

Memory: If you have an issue with the snot go watch Anne Hathaway sing I dreamed a dream and come back to me okay. Tom Hooper has a fetish about that kind of stuff or something.

But snot aside IT FITS THE SONG! Grizabella is supposed to be sad. This is her moment, her chance to cry out for someone to touch her her. Her chance to be accepted again.

We get back to the contrived plot cause she sings a song for a chance to win. But the song does not fit into the contrived plot because even if we are following the shit plot, because of Beautiful Ghosts it seems more like she wants to belong again rather than a chance to go to the Heavy Side Layer hence why Beautiful Ghosts is a pointless song even more than it already was.

In the stage show, Jemima sings with Grizabella. She is a chorus cat mostly but this is her moment to shine. Victoria gets it which fine, but also takes away from the Jellicles accepting Griz because Victoria is not a Jellicle herself. Why on earth should these cats listen to her? They have no reason to. Also because not only was the initial touch done in private, because all these characters don’t interact with each other the touch is rendered meaningless which almost renders the song meaningless. Which is a shame cause Jennifer killed it.

Journey to the Heavyside Layer: It was fine. I could have done without the Macavity bit at the end that was literally pulled from a Tom and Jerry Cartoon, which again Eliot would have hated. Yes its acted by a real person, but its cartoon like in nature ( just like jenny zipper her fur off ) which is the antithesis of what Eliot wanted to become of his poems.

The Ad-dressing of Cats: Why was this song kept in? Out of all the songs this one more or less directly addresses the audience. They had Judi Dench break the fourth wall and stare directly into the camera which was uncomfortable, and not done well. I have seen staring straight into the camera done well in exactly one piece of film and that is Mr. Robot. Here it was weird and uncomfortable. No one seemed to know what to do. The chorus was stronger than Judi so her words were overpowered. She was pitchy at best, and just downright awful in this song.

Then she tells Victoria she is a Jellicle which... like yeah finish out your contrived plot Hooper, but all if it was pointless. And it ruins the “Victoria is the Audience stand in” because the song actually addressed directly to the audience was not addressed to our stand in. It does not match the opening at all which is also addressed to the audience in the stage show. The book ends don’t match and its weird.

When I say book ends, at the beginning the number asks questions about cats can you do this can you do that. At the end it asks you “so you get what a cat is now right?” Its a pretty clever way to begin and end a show. But the movie got lost and forget what it was doing so here it seems weird and out of place.

Peeks and Pollicles: A number that was cut. This number is one of my favorites in the musical because it helps waste time til the end. It allows the cats to interact with each other and Old Deuteronomy. It is one of the best numbers to see the interpersonal relationships between our chorus of cats and our main cats.

This number not being in takes all that away and does not let us see personality in any of the chorus cats. Even Mungo and Rumple fall flat because we do not get to see them not be evil or talk about being mischievous.

This number also provides context for what a Peek is. In Macavity the word Peek is said but if you have only ever seen the movie you have no idea what that word is. In the stage show we learn that it is a term for a type of dog. Additionally, when we take this song out, we also lose some plot context of the cats and the junkyard putting plays to help act out the songs of who they think it will be. And in this case what looks like to be a rehearsed play that the cats are determined to mess up and make our silver tabby go from silver to grey.

Dance

There was so much sacrificed for the sake of cinematography. A musical based in dance had barely any dancing shown because of quick cuts. And what was shown was often clunky and didn’t actually look feline. Nor did it match the music because the choreographer tried to hard to be like the greats who choreographed the nut cracker and other ballets. He also ruined Gillian Lynne’s choreography.

They looked like trained dancers when they danced. Which yeah is good, but they didn’t look like cats. Their hands were often turned up, when to make them slightly more catlike they should be turned down. None of them got comfortable with being on the ground. They all seemed so very very stiff which is the exact opposite of how a cat should be.

None of them understood how to dance like a cat.

The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat as opposed to Skimbleshanks is astonishing. The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat is messy and hardly focused on, when its the star of the stage show. It looks contrived and like they were trying to hard to recreate a scene from a famous black and white film. Also this is a CGI comment but if you look hard enough you can tell that the cockroaches are like the same three dancers copied and pasted over and over.

Contrast that to Skimble with his clear taps. Now the actor who played Skimble is known for tapping. He is a member of the Royal Opera House, which is a ballet company in England. His tapping was made famous when he originated the role of the Mad Hatter, with some brilliant choreography that he was given. His tapping hear shines. It is just a really good example of tap. And its a shame it had to share the stage with the cockroach crap.

The opening numbers was not given what it deserved by the cats jumping everywhere. The opening is a highly for the choreography of the show. Its supposed to show you what you can expect. In the movie it was just alot of jump cuts, and Misto fucking it all up, sorry not sorry. I did not fall for the cute factor. Additionally the choral portion was not choral. They did not line up thus when they line up at the end at Trafalgar Square, we have no reference to them doing this before. Its a shame.

Tugger did not dance sexually enough. I know I know I shouldn’t say this. But most actors who play Tugger try to do some variation of John Partridge’s version, with less hip thrusts. Jason didn’t even try, and thus none of the kittens were enthralled with him. It made the point of his song pointless. Additionally Tugger is one of the strongest dancers in the show in my opinion. He dances in every number and adds his flare. Because Jason is in the movie all of 5 minutes we don’t see this.

I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers. But none of that was showcased. They were pigeon holed into this and tried to fit and failed.

So much choreography was cut because so much of the songs were cut. Jellicle Ball has so many lyrics that are danced and they are cut. So much dancing was cut in favor of showing us Grizabella running away. In the musical that is subtle and you know WHY? its supposed to be it is not supposed to completely take our attention of of the magic that is happening with the dance. That is why Griz is chased away because she draws your attention to her. We didn’t need the camera doing that, and thus ruining the flow of the number.

Characters:

Munkustrap: Not much bad about him. He had a few off beats. He tried. Thought their are times where he looked bored, and his face was not good at hiding it.

Victoria: One face wonder, she is like the Maddie from dance mom’s of this movie. She’s got a Maddie face, and it made it hard to think she had any emotion at all because she didn’t emote. Also white cats are more often than not deaf which the musical often shows as mute because Victoria has no solos. For her to speak was jarring. The speaking was jarring in general but most of the lines coming from her was off putting.

Her not being a jellicle outright ruined any agency she had in the movie. She had more say in things like Misto and Griz than she should have had. The solo she was given was petty and very very condescending to Griz.

She was a bad audience stand in because in trying to keep her original stage role they tried to mix it with this new plot role and it just did not work. And made you forget what they were doing with the plot because the plot was so contrived.

I don’t get why she had to have stripes and spots. She’s a solid white house cat, not some fucking snow leopard.

Misto: He was ruined. He has forced us to see his magic, then doubts himself when asked to use it. He is not confident in himself and a bumbling fool. In the stage production he is confident. The only thing he doesn’t understand is where his powers come from. This is seen wonderfully in the 1998 version where he looks at his hands as he is shooting sparks from them. His character was ruined.

Skimble: Like Munk nothing wrong. But we don’t see him interact with the regular chorus cats so it begs to wonder why is he even trying to show them anything. They don’t seem to know him. Their is no connection between the cats with songs named after them and the chorus aside from maybe Misto.

Tugger: He was not John Partridge. Just watch 98 cats and you will see what you are missing when it comes to who Tugger is.

Jenny-any-Dots: She was mischaracterized by Rebel as being fat, lazy, and old. Her character of being a respectable busy cat who seems lazy to her owners is assassinated. Like their is a reason Munk likes her but that reason is gone in the movie.

Old Deuteronomy: Judy Dench was bad. She couldn’t sing, and commanded no real authority or presence. Robbie could only do so much to give that to her. But she did nothing to earn it.

Admetus/Rumpus Cat: Sadly gone from this movie, though probably because Rumpus would have been more cartoonish than Macavity was and they were already hurting Eliot’s legacy enough. Also I’m not sure we could have handled the camp superhero of Rumpus Cat in this shit CGI.

Alonzo: Was he there? I don’t know. The chorus cats were all a singular blob that did not stand out and had not individuality and personality. He interacts with Munk alot but we didn’t see that.

Asparagus: Not present, granted he wouldn’t have been present anyways because Gus was only present for his number (and that awful barge seen) but in the 98 version and most stage versions he is the chorus version of Gus the Theater Cat. In 98 he is argued to be a son of Gus, or just a younger version of Gus. Because remember what I said in the stage production every cat is on stage for about 90% of the time.

Bombalurina: She’s apparently psychotic in this version. Which she’s not, but also in the stage version she’s not either. Instead of being someone who survived the influence of a less than pleasing purpose she is henchman number one. The Smee ( but more coordinated ) to Macavity’s Hook.

Bustopher Jones: Was decent. James was good, but he also missed the mark with his jokes and they didn’t land well. We saw a more realistic version of him instead of the show’s idealized version which I was fine with. But his lines were wooden and not good. Hence why this show should not have spoken lines.

Cassandra: Was apparently there? She looked purplish I think or maybe that was Demeter. I don’t know but she was rude, and more catty than show Cassandra. But we don’t really know who she is because beyond the Glamor Cat song she along with Demeter disappear into the background with cats that don’t matter.

Coricopat and Tantomile: Replaced with Plato and whatever the other philosopher was played by the Les Twins. They didn’t fit in. Shoving hip hop into cats has been proven to not work, hip hop tugger anyone? So why they tried again here, I don’t know. But they failed. We loose these lovely mystical twins, and get stuck with twins in converse? Like why? What brought on that costume choice, why did that slip through?

Demeter: Could be Cassandra. We don’t know. She’s just a mean girl and not a traumatized cat who is the first to think a sign of danger is Macavity. She was robbed of her duet cause t-swizzle needs all the fame. Munk doesn’t get his moments with her cause VICTORIA! Ugh.

Electra, Etcetera, Exotica: Were any of them there? The world may never know. The movie didn’t show us faces to put with names like the 98 version did. So if they were there who knows. You probably would have no seen or heard them since most solos they had were covered by like four other cats only. And the rest of the chorus cats was a brown grey blob because those are the only cat colors apparently.

Grizabella: We did not need to be told her back story. The song alludes to enough. Jennifer did great though. I just wish her moments were not in so much seclusion. It ruins her final song. We are robbed of young Griz in the opening number.

Gus: Ian did great. He was the right choice, the went a John Mills route. But his number dragged. Ian also didn’t have any connection to anyone in the cast. Like when Misto talks to him his reactions make it seem like he does not care who these cats are now. It makes him seem stuck up rather than reminiscent.

Jellylorum: Apparently was a kitten? Sigh. She is supposed to give Gus as a suggest and sing his song with him as a duet to kind of play off of each other. It gives the number some action and liveliness. Even with all the cuts, the number still dragged.

Jemima/Silabaub: First her name varies depending on where you are watching the stage show. Whatever she had was given to Victoria. Apparently this is because that cat was based of ALW’s wife. Which like fine, but like Hooper can you at least be more cohesive with your plot if you are going to cut a character out?

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: We see no real personality from them. Sorry but we don’t. We just see them scheming with each other because they are “evil.” We don’t get the story that the show or the 98 musical gives us. A moment i love from the 98 version is when Macavity does come Mungo ducks and covers his head with hands. It just shows that even Macavity’s own guys, cause Mungo is mentioned in the song not Rumple ( which leads me to think she came later or pulled him out of that ), but it shows just how scary Macavity is. And we don’t get that in the movie. In the movie we get them not knowing Macavity’s plan, which like what use are you then?

Plato: Commandeered by the Les Twins he is ruined. In the show he has a pas de deux with victoria and its a bit sexy and still gorgeous with the gorgeous famous overhead lift that the show is known for. He also doubles as Macavity cause again all the cats are on stage for about 90% of the musical save for a few.

Pouncival: Not there as far as I can tell. Which is a shame Pouncival is a cutie pie in the 98 version.

Tumblebrutus/Carbuckety: His name varies depending on what stage show you are watching. He is the one who tumbles alot. He may have been there, but because of the crappy cinematography whatever tumbling there was, we didn’t see.

Growltiger: Ruined to a poor attempt at a pirate on a toy boat barge.

Griddlebone: Ruined, and demeaned to a low lackey instead of a lavish cat who does with movie Macavity wishes he could.

Macavity: He became a cartoon villain as opposed to an actual threat. He wasn’t ginger, and his eyes were weird he was the only one with weird eyes. He wasn’t scary, any agency he had as a threat was ruined by shoving his badness in our face. They could have just had the cats disappear. Its like Tom Hooper saw a scary movie saw what made it scary, the unknown, and decided I’m not going to do that. Also any thing that would have shown his strenght is gone because hsi fight was taken away.

Any cat in the chorus is just a blob, or not CGIed. LOL. Part of this is because the cast does not interact with each other. In the stage production touch is important. Interpersonal relationships are important. We don’t get any of that. We are not used to touching and nuzzling thus when we see it is awkward. Not to mention the awkard rubbing noise we get when it does happen, it doesn’t help. The cast aside from the named cats, and munk have no personality, they fade into the back and its such a shame because each cat is so unique and different. Granted we wouldn’t know that since when they explain that in the stage show, they cut it out in the movie.

Technical Stuff

The first four songs are pretty much ruined because it takes just about that long to get accustomed to the strange CGI. The CGI is bad, I have seen better CGI cats in video games. Honestly I know makeup is time consuming, but it is cheaper than CGI. Better cats make up that isn’t just the theater makeup can be seen in Doctor Who. What made this CGI so jarring is the lack of noses and lips that looked like cats. We know via BTS pics that the actors wore make up. So why they couldn’t put noses on, or the line straught down to the mouth then curled up the ends of the mouth to give us a muzzle is beyond me. It looks like bad photoshop. I will never understand that decision.

I don’t care that dicks were CGIed out. That is not what made cats “sexy” in the first place. The dancing made it sexy. The CGI was equal to that of movies in the 90s and poorly made video games from the early 2000s.

From a film standpoint it was poorly shot. Tom Hooper does not know how to shoot dance. And it shows. He does so many swift cuts and pans that we don’t get a good view of what the choreography is.

We are too often forced to see things that are already obvious because of other tactics like shadows and voices. We do not need to see a cat disappearing via Macavity. We do not need to see so much yet our focus is taken from the group ruining whatever connection the group had to eachother and us the audience in order to show us bad dialogue and special effects to show capturing. I said it earlier its like Tom Hooper saw scary movies and said I wont do that I’m gonna do it like Tom and Jerry do, but that’s an insult to Tom and Jerry. Or he has never seen a horror movie in his life.

Their are far to many unnecessary scenes paired with jump cuts. We never get a sense of the group of cats as a whole because not only are they seperated from the only cats we know the names of, but we have to see where those cats are since we have to know they are in danger. No one knows of the thread, except like once, which is when Griz arrives. Its like the chorus doesn’t care, even though Hooper does his damndest to make sure we the audience care, but we don’t even our audience stand in doesn’t. These scenes are mainly Growltiger’s barge, and taking us out of the ballroom for Skimble’s number.

Now onto proportions. They are all over the place. A watch would strangle a cat, a ring would not fit around their wrist. They at some points can just reach a door knob, while at other parts barely reach a foot off the ground. The cockroaches and mice did not size down well. Skimble’s number had so many issues with size and cinematography which is a shame cause it was one of the best of the movie. The cats can walk on the tracks like with 3 feet on either side of their own. Yet we all know that is not correct. They look two inchest tall in comparison to the tracks. Yet we see them inside the train and they are like child sized. Then we have weird cuts to wide shots of the bridge which doesn’t help with proportion as one wide shot is so wide the cats nearly disappear. Another proportion issue was the stage in the ballroom it was a normal stage and they measured to it like a normal stage. The moon looked like something out of 1920s black and white film so was proportioned for a normal human, but the chandelier was big and felt oddly proportioned in the ballroom. Like it should not have been able to fit through the whole in the roof.

Tom Hooper did not know what he was doing with this movie. It is very clear he had no vision and did no know what the show was about hence why he had to push his new plot in while keeping everything the same so it seemed like hot garbage which is exactly what it was.

Tom does not know how to film dancing, and he has been notorious for cutting songs and such with Les Mis and he did it again. He cut songs, and then added a song which he did with Les Mis too. He messed up guys.

Back to the CGI for a minute besides the overall choice being bad because all the did could be done with practical makeup and would have looked better. It was poorly done. Their ar emoments when their is just color on the actor’s hands, when their is no color, when their is fur. Judi’s main is curled under her chin so it looks like a really bad fake beird. If you are in the background you may not be CGIed at all. There wer emoments where the connections did work such as feet on the ground, and Munkustrap helping Victoria off the car looked weird cause Victoria’s fur slid around but not with her body. And that is just a few things I noticed. The tails were good but like, it took away from the dancing.

Their was real awkward sound design. First of all the butchering of Andrews music to fit certain aspects like Tugger asking for the party to be turnt up. It was weird and didn’t fit. Additionally any moment where nuzzles or touches happened were awkwardly silent with a sound that sounds like the rubbing of a plasticky material together. None of which is helped by they never actually touch eachother because their is somoene blocking the camera. A show that has a character essentially scream “touch me” lacks touch one of the most basic cat interactions.

Breaking the fourth wall was jarring because it didn’t happen throughout. The 98 version gets away with it because they do it from the beginning. But this was weird. It was a poor choice, and an example of wanting to keep the original but it not coming across because of choices made prior.

Other Stuff and Random Thoughts

The movie was really confused at what it wanted to be. It wanted to have the original plot, but also this new plot which was forotten half way through and remembered again. Continuity was a huge issue with this movie. Victoria as audience stand in doesn’t work because the audience is addressed at the end. The jokes didn’t land. And the subtle jokes in the stage version are all but erased.

Cats would have never done well, even with an extended timeline and good CGI. If it was a perfect movie it would not have done well because it is Cats. Cats has never done well with critics. Its biggest fans are often children because they get the story because it is such a simple story. This movie forgot that, but also tried to make it easier to follow, but they failed cause it was confused.

This movie is a huge disservice to TS Eliot. Eliot did not want pussy cats, that is why he didn’t give the rights to Disney. It wasn’t that he didn’t want animated cats like in Aristocats. He didn’t want his cats to be like Tom from Tom and Jerry, which Macavity became more or less. Their were cartoon moments in the movie, and its a disservice to the Poet. Adding to his works with a new song is a disservice. Making the choreography so contrived because the new choreographer wants to show he has subtlties like Balanchine of Nutcracker fame was a disservice to Gillian Lynne.

The movie lost the vision of what cats is and was. It lost the vision of what a cat is because the cats did not act like cats. We never saw a true cat fight, or the cats interact with each other in ways that weren’t awkward. We never saw them being cats yet we are told that they are cause Judi told us so. They never acted like cats or moved like cats. Simple hand turning downwards instead of upwards, or bending of the legs, holding yourself a little differently that makes all the difference.

The move wasn’t aboslutely terrible, but it was pretty bad. I still think its garbage, and I don’t think its worthy of the title Cats because it was hardly that. A bigger budget does not mean cool CGI, and more shots, it means improve the basics to the very best. The Corridor Crew on Youtube say it best, if you can do it practically do it because it will always look better. This movie missed so many marks.

I say all this out of love because Cats is my favorite musical. But this movie failed. I wish it could be chosen to be reborn, but I’m afraid what we’d get. So I’ll stick with the stage production, if you can see a tour or any of the productions around the world do it. If not watch the 98 version, get the DVD because the one on youtube cuts out some good parts like Tugger playing bagpipes.

I wanted this movie to be good. I wanted to be proud to say I like Cats and I can’t unless I specify the stage version, because this version is not deserving of a like from me.

So I’ll repeat what I said at the beginning of this review, Cats 2019 is garbage that does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Granted, no one from the 2019 movie or who has seen it would get that reference, but that’s okay. Us real fans know. We’re the true fans we get it. We will love this musical, but I say we cannot love this movie for so many reasons, and I hope I have laid out a few of my own.

[buckysforeverprincess]

You Asshole, Bucky Barnes

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 2293

Warnings: Language, and assholery

A/N: This was the very first fic I wrote outside of my first series. It was written for a challenge, and the first time it received a huge response. I went back through and reworked it, and I hope you guys enjoy it more now than when I posted it almost a year ago!

Bucky Barnes is a flat out, asshole! He really didn’t start out that way, honest. In the beginning he was a pretty cool guy and you even kind of like him a little bit. However, the more you got to know him, the more his inner asshole came out and now, you couldn’t stand to be anywhere near the guy.

Bucky's best friend was your roommate, Steve. Had you known they were a package deal when you responded to the web posting, you would’ve kept looking and not ever felt bad about never getting to know these two. Nothing had prepared you for the amount of fuckery you’d have to deal with daily from Bucky “Asshole” Barnes.

“Morning Steve!” You see your roommate in the kitchen pouring himself a bowl of cereal.

“Morning beautiful!” Steve responds, kissing you on the cheek as you grab a bowl of your own.

“Sleep well?”

“Omg, yes! I'm so glad I bought that new mattress! The pillow top feels amazing and I’m pretty sure I slept like a princess last night!”

Steve laughs at how excited you are over your new purchase. You felt like a kid on Christmas when it was delivered yesterday and couldn't wait to go to bed to test it out. Best night of sleep you've had in forever and you can’t wait to crawl back into again and sleep like the dead.

Opening the cupboard, you look around for your box of Cocoa Krispies, but couldn't find it among the others. You just opened the box yesterday and only had one bowl, so you know it should be here. Maybe Steve placed it somewhere else to make room for his own.

“Steve… have you seen my cereal?” You're looking through the rest of the cupboards frantically trying to locate the brown box.

“Uh, no?” His response doesn't sound too positive and comes across as more of a question than an answer.

“Steve-”

“Good morning sunshine!” Bucky interrupts and you cringe where you stand.

You quickly look over and see him, hair wet from the shower he obviously took and was covered only with a towel around his waist. Sometimes you wonder why Steve needed a roommate in the first place with the amount of time he spends here. Honestly, Bucky should be paying rent but then you remember, he’s an asshole, so that’s probably the main reason he doesn’t live here in the first place.

Ignoring him, you continue to search through the kitchen looking for your box of cereal.

“Aren't ya’ gonna say hello?” Bucky walks closer to the kitchen, and Steve's still shoving cereal in his mouth.

“Nope.” Where the hell is it? You think as you check everywhere around you.

“Can I help ya’ find something, Doll?”

You look up in annoyance, Bucky making his way into the kitchen, closer to you. “Nope.”

It's then you notice the trash can Bucky's practically standing next to. Sticking out, you see the brown box of Cocoa Krispies totally empty. You grab the empty box and tip it upside down.

“Jez, dumpster dive much?”

Turning your head towards Bucky, you shake the box, signaling its emptiness. “Did you eat my cereal James?” There's murder in your eyes and a sneer on your face.

“Oh, was that box yours? I'm so sorry. You'll be happy to know your money was not wasted. Kellogg's still makes fresh cereal!”

“You piece of shit, why are you here?!” You yelled, throwing the box at him.

“Easy there, killer. Don't wanna hurt yourself!”

You're grabbing anything you can find out in the open and throwing it at him. “I can't fucking believe you ate my food! You don't even live here!”

Bucky ducks the water bottle you threw at him, smiling back at you. “But I love you, honey!”

You've had enough of his shit and are pissed off to no end with this asshole. “Eat my fucking ass, dickbag!” You yelled, before stomping off to your room and slamming your door.

“Gladly!” Bucky smirks and Steve rolls his eyes.

“Why do you insist on messing with her?” Steve asks, putting his bowl in the sink

“She's cute when she's angry. Turns me on!” Steve just glares as Bucky turns around and heads back to the bathroom to get dressed for the day.

Your next interaction with Bucky was no different. It had been a particularly stressful day at work, and you were tired and hungry but had zero motivation to cook anything. A hot shower and take out was in your plans for the evening and nothing was going to stop that from happening.

Opening the door to your apartment, you see Bucky sitting on the couch searching through your Netflix queue. “What the hell are you doing here, Barnes?” You head to the kitchen for a bottle of water, trying not to make eye contact with him.

“Netflix and Chill!”

Your eyebrows raise in question, “Chill? Did you fucking invite someone over here?”

Bucky shakes his head, “relax angel. Just you and me…and by chill, I was thinking actual chill. How ‘bout pizza?”

Hmmm…If you ordered pizza, you'd have plenty of time to take a hot shower before it got here. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. “Pizza is good. Can you order one with no veggies. Just meat? I'll shower and be done by the time it gets here?”

Bucky smiles his famous Barnes smile, “of course sweetheart…anything for you.”

You leave Bucky to order food and make your way to shower. The hot water feels so good, and it helps take away the stresses of the day. So what, if you took up all the hot water in the apartment. It was included in your rent anyway.

Towel drying your hair, you join Bucky in the living room and see the pizza sitting on the table. Opening the first box, you know it’s Bucky's pizza…supreme. He likes meat and veggies. Gross! You open the second box and see, not what you ordered.

“What the hell?! Bucky, where's my pizza?

The man shrugs his shoulders and grins at you, stuffing a bite of pizza in his mouth.

“Bucky!”

“No need to yell darling, I'm right here.” He smirks at you.

“Where's. My. Pizza?”

Bucky grabs the box and places it on your lap, “Right. Fucking. Here.” Using the same tone and annunciation you had.

“No it’s not! I said all meat. I don't even see any meat on this shit!” You open the box and shove it in his face.

“No, you said no meat. No meat is a garden pizza. That's what this is. You're welcome, Princess.”

“Fix this now, James!” You're glaring daggers at him.

“Ooh, did you first name me? I think somebody's got a frowny face!” Bucky has resorted to teasing now and you're ready to explode.

“I fucking hate you! I have a shit day, you come here uninvited, invade the space I pay money for monthly, order me the wrong food, and for what? Just to see me pissed off? All I wanted was to eat and relax and I can't even do that without Bucky “Asshole” Barnes fucking it up!”

The nods his head and looks dead at you, “pizza?” Holding the box in your face, acting like he didn’t hear a word you just said.

“Go fuck yourself!” You yell at him, before retreating to your room and slamming the door.

“I'd rather fuck you!”

It's been a few days since the pizza incident and you haven't seen hide nor hair of Bucky. Steve said he went to visit his mom cause ‘he's a momma’s boy and he had something important to talk to her about’. Maybe you can have a nice peaceful day off without the stress of Bucky Barnes fucking it up. Was that too much to ask for?

Laying on the couch, you pull up Netflix and decide to watch Stranger Things Season 2. You've just gotten through the first episode when Steve and Bucky make their way into the apartment, breaking up your peaceful day. Guess his visit with his mom is over and he’s back to raise hell on your life.

Steve goes into his room, and Bucky sits down next to you, grabbing the remote and changing it back to regular tv.

“What do you think you're doing?” You say through gritted teeth, glaring at him.

“Changing the channel. Steve and I came back to watch the game.”

You let out a deep breath, taking a second to calm yourself. “I was watching something.”

“And now you’re not. You can watch that stupid shit later…the game is on now!” He changes the channel to ESPN and begins watching the tv.

“Give me back the remote!”

Bucky gives you a devious look, “you want this?” He holds up the remote to you.

“Duh!”

The man chuckles at your childlike response and has an even bigger assholish come back to go with it. “Come get it…” and he shoves the remote in his pants, possibly his underwear, daring you to go after it.

Steve had already come back out from his room and saw the remote go into Bucky's jeans. “I'm not going after that!” He says and looks at you.

“And you think I am?”

Steve just shrugs at you and grins at you.

“Well someone has too. I nominate Y/N as tribune!” Steve laughs at Bucky's joke, and you look at him with your best resting bitch face.

“You are absolutely disgusting! I hate you and your fucking dick face!” Your face is now red from yelling.

“Aww…but me and my dick face love you so much Princess.”

Something about the way he said ‘princess’ set you off, and before you knew it you were swinging your hand, slapping him in the face. “Don't you dare call me princess, asshole!”

Even being smacked Bucky was still an arrogant ass. “Yes mistress, I won't do it again!” And he blows a kiss in your direction.

Fuming, you get up and stomp to your room. “Fuck you, Bucky Barnes!” You yell, before once again slamming the door behind you.

“I'll be in later to do just that, sweetheart!” He yells back at your closed door.

“Why do you constantly antagonize her?” Steve asks, taking your place on the couch.

“Think she likes me?”

Steve rolls his eyes at his best friend, “no…I don't!”

It's after midnight and you had just turned out your light, when you hear the door open and a see a shadowy figure slip in. The person walks up to your nightstand and turns the light back on and stares down at you.

“Got room in this new bed for your husband?” Bucky asks you with a smile.

“I don't know if my husband deserves to share this bed tonight. He's been an exceptional asshole lately!”

You throw back the covers and Bucky climbs in bed next to you. Reaching over, you shut the light off and scoot closer to your husband. He snuggles up behind you, making you the little spoon, and you begin to relax in his arms.

“I'm sorry, but I thought we weren't telling Steve or anyone yet! We're supposed to make it believable. Trust me, my face believed it!”

Bucky and you had been dating secretly behind everyone's backs for a year. They all thought you hated each other, so you guys kept up the act. Two months ago, he proposed and one month ago you were married in a private ceremony at the courthouse. No one knew or suspected...at least that’s what you thought anyway.

“Baby…you ate my cereal, intentionally ordered the wrong pizza, and told me to go fish for the remote in your pants! You deserved that smack and more if I’m being honest here!” You chuckled at the list of antics.

“And I replaced your cereal, surprised you with take out from your favorite Thai restaurant, included a bottle of wine, and a full body massage. I think I'm a pretty good husband, actually.” Bucky places a soft kiss to the back of your neck.

“Well… you still owe me for today's assholery.”

“I can think of a way to make that up to you Mrs. Barnes.”

You turn to face him now, “How's that Mr. Barnes?” Questioning his change in mood.

Bucky kisses your lips softly, and you melt into the kiss. “It's time I show my wife some extra special attention.” And he starts moving himself down the bed to the area between your legs. You let out a moan at the first touch of his hand to your legs and Bucky stops and looks up at you. “Baby...you have to stay quiet. You'll wake up Steve.”

You nodded and spent the rest of the night in ecstasy as your husband tore you apart.

Little did you know, Steve was on the other side of your door listening in to your conversation. He walks away from the door and pulls out his cell phone, dials a number, and anxiously waits for the other party to answer.

“Steve…its ass early in the morning or late in the evening depending on how you look at it…this better be good.” The female voice says sounding like she had been woken from her sleep.

“You owe me fifty dollars. I told you they were married, Nat. I'm also pretty sure that’s why he went to see his mom…had to tell momma Barnes he's a married man now!”

“Fuck those two!” She yells at the phone.

“They're already doing that themselves. I'll see you tomorrow to collect. Goodnight, Nat.” Steve says, hanging up the phone and walking away to his room with a smile. Never in a million years did he think you’d actually fall for Bucky Barnes’ assholish ways.

[kiruuuuu]

Blitz/Spectre oneshot in which she and Blitz get a little closer. (Rating T, fluff, ~2.5k words) - written for @ruaniamh​! Thank you again for commissioning me and I’m glad you’re happy with this piece ♥♥ You can find out all about Quinn “Spectre” Roach here! My commission info is over here :) 

.

In a – as Spectre finds – deliciously ironic twist of fate, Blitz fails to react to her approaching due to the blinding light of the afternoon sun.

She’s crouched behind the low wall marking the beginning of the bridge’s balustrade and waiting for her next victim: Mira’s heavy boots gave her away earlier and allowed the Canadian to catch her off-guard, and even Smoke’s lighter steps proved insufficient as Spectre swiftly climbed a tree when she caught a glimpse of him nearing her position. She’s keen on racking up a few more ‘kills’, her competitive spirit awakened by Bandit’s boisterous claims of ending up as the winner and nurtured by the crisp October air.

Ultimately, it’s a child’s game they’re playing, a more advanced tag – they were all given a piece of fabric and told to tuck it into their trousers’ waistbands on their backs, a little like a bright red tail now trailing after them and marking them as potential targets. If someone manages to snatch it from someone else for safekeeping, that someone is out and has to return to base and whoever has collected the most pieces at the end wins. Simple enough, though Sledge claimed it’d serve to test their senses and spatial awareness, challenge their manoeuvring skills and showcase how well they work on their own for once. Spectre, however, suspects that the mild temperature and unimpeded sunshine played a not insignificant role in this decision to allow Rainbow to roam the fields outside of the base freely.

In any case, she’s not complaining, instead she relishes the fresh air and warming rays on her skin, has always liked this mixture as it keeps her focused and cheerful whereas the sweltering summer sun often leaves her content yet tired. Proof of this are the four stripes of cloth in her pocket, courtesy of a lot of stalking around and observing carefully. Some of the others declined the opportunity to swarm out in order to find a suitable starting spot away from everyone else, and instead tackled each other head on right outside the gate like children playing football for the very first time, all clumped up and shouting. Spectre managed to grab Maestro’s fabric before he even joined the fray and was already halfway over the hill before he noticed her demonic cackling was directed at him.

Right now, she’s listening to the gurgling of the small stream next to her and to footfalls probably wishing they were quieter. A quick peek lets her catch a glance of fair hair, golden in this light, sharp cheekbones, a compact silhouette – she doesn’t need more than a fraction of a second to be sure of who it is. She’d recognise him by the sound of his laugh, the adorable cow lick on the back of his head, the unusually shaped birth mark on his wrist.

Don’t turn around, she instructs him silently and almost kicks herself for doing so. They might be impressively in tune for most of the time, but they haven’t figured out telepathy yet. Slowly, she creeps around the solid stone railing, follows him as he steps down the river bank, probably to check for anyone below the bridge. Anticipation is making her giddy, she’s looking forward to the dumb expression on his face when he’ll realise what’s happened, and so she makes a mistake, produces a noise, causes him to turn around. But the sun saves her.

In the moment of confusion, the second he blinks and squints, she shoots up and reaches around him to get a hold of her prize, yet the sudden movement makes her lose her footing and crash into the solid body; now they’re both flailing (and was that a squeak from Blitz?), an arm wraps around her waist to regain balance where she has none to give – and the next thing she knows is the horizon tilting and ice cold water enveloping both of them.

.

“Of all the things I wanted to achieve today, a bath in the river was not among them”, Blitz chides jokingly as soon as he’s emerged from the dressing room wearing his spare clothes and a grin which tells Spectre that he doesn’t mind. His hair is sticking up in all twenty cardinal directions simultaneously and she ponders whether to comment on it, eventually deciding against it. She doesn’t want to seem like she’s paying too much attention to his appearance.

“Not like you couldn’t use one”, she shoots back good-naturedly while they make their way towards a well-deserved lunch break.

“What, are you referring to the information retrieval again?”

“You call it intelligence gathering, I call it dumpster diving. Now which of these is a euphemism, hm? Didn’t you have to wade through sewage in Sevilla too?”

“I’ll have you know that both of those missions ended up successful and not everyone can be as limber as you. You probably would’ve climbed along the walls like a spider instead of stepping into that muck.”

Their playful back-and-forth is as familiar as it is comfortable, one of the constants in Spectre’s everyday life she looks forward to the most. Both of them enjoy poking fun at anything and everything, including themselves and each other – which is one of the reasons why they became fast friends. A sunny disposition in their job isn’t that common, usually it entails a much darker, morbid kind of humour. “I definitely wouldn’t have used an entire can of Lynx to get rid of the smell at least. That’s one way to keep the ladies off of you.”

As soon as the comment has left her mouth, she once again feels the impulse to kick herself. Because while Blitz laughs, it sounds oddly hollow to her ears. She shouldn’t have gone there, she knows he’s been wanting someone by his side for a while. She knows he even has someone in mind, overheard Jäger mention it to someone else. Felt strangely betrayed that Blitz would entrust him with this detail and not her, felt a stab of jealousy because who does Blitz call in the early morning after a bad dream? Whom does he send drunk texts which are as illegible as they are hilarious? Not Jäger, that’s for sure. She knows he doesn’t message anyone else, he never does so when they’re out together. She would like to see herself as his best friend but after that she’s had her doubts. If he kept this from her, what else did he keep?

Going down this path is futile and depressing, so she does her best to snap out of it but it takes a few minutes until her smile stops hurting.

A hiss is what finally distracts her mid-chew: “You are a fucking cat, young lady!”

Both she and Blitz snort at Mira’s accusation. “Did she sneak up on you too?”, he asks, amused.

“Please tell me who eliminated you so I can thank them for avenging my honour. You gave me the worst fright I’ve had in a while.”

While Spectre just grins proudly, the German opposite her replies: “More on accident, but we got each other.”

Mira lifts a brow and suddenly, it’s imperative Spectre doesn’t blush so she doesn’t give herself away. All the jokes and questioning glances whenever they playfight or feed each other unhealthy food to create the most disgusting combination are more than enough already. Still. It sounds nice: we got each other. “Is that why you’re looking like a drowned rat?”

“Watch out or you might hit someone in the face with all that charm you’re throwing around”, Spectre grins. Her mauve hair is still damp and probably hanging down sadly, so Mira might not actually be far from the truth – but she finds that she doesn’t mind, no, not at all. She can still feel Blitz’ loose embrace, hears his laughter bubbling up as they dragged themselves out of the stream, shaking the water off like a pair of dogs.

The Spaniard leaves them to their meals, still mock-grumbling, but gets replaced by Jäger immediately. “Can I interrupt you guys for a moment?”, he asks and Spectre idly wonders whether there’ll ever be anything he’d interrupt.

“I don’t know, can you?”, she replies and fights down a giggle when she realises Blitz just uttered exactly the same thing. They exchange a glance and a grin when he lightly kicks her under the table.

For a moment, she’s worried Jäger is going to hurt himself with how dramatically his eyes roll skywards. “Bunch of nerds”, he mutters. “All I wanted to know is whether you’re ready for tomorrow.”

“Of course! Tomorrow is a very special day.”

Blitz’ answer comes so fast that Spectre’s heart skips a beat. Did he – did he remember? She let it slip before, more than half a year ago, didn’t think he paid it any heed, didn’t think he’d care enough. He’s awful with remembering dates, only remembers Sledge’s birthday because it’s the same as his own, and his friends usually remind him of everyone else’s. But could he have -

“Yeah, I know how much you love Halloween.” Jäger earns a nod from Blitz and oh, that’s right. Of course that’s what he means. “You’re coming to Julien’s party too, right, Quinn?”

“Yes”, she replies curtly and contributes no more to the chatter about the Germans’ plans. She’s not hungry anymore.

.

The next afternoon, Spectre is in a rotten mood and hates herself for it. She adores Halloween, even decided to go all out this year and whip up a full-fledged zombie costume, ordered liquid latex for fake injuries, white contact lenses to max out the creepy and went so far as to buy blood capsules. Her plan was to dramatically announce her insatiable hunger for human flesh at some point during the party, and then gurgle crimson – Rook made the mistake of letting everyone know there’d be prizes for the best costumes and she’s determined to make it to the top three.

Well, was determined.

It’s silly and she knows it, yet this changes nothing. She received the usual greetings and best wishes from her family and friends, had Buck and Frost congratulate her inconspicuously, the two shoving candies and other important Canadian foodstuffs they know she misses into her pockets, and it’s how her birthday normally goes. She refuses to make a big deal of it, keeps it secret so people rather worry about enjoying Halloween than to procure impersonal gifts or, even worse, sing for her, and still -

Part of her had hoped she’d be important enough for Blitz to remember, yet she hasn’t even seen him all day. And the fact that this is what brings her down makes her feel even sillier.

No, she’s going to have a good time regardless. It’s not the end of the world. She’s going to freak everyone out by groaning and reaching out when they walk past, she’s going to unsettlingly stare at people and it’s going to be glorious. Rook hates zombies and she’ll have a whale of a time chasing him around his apartment.

Just as she’s made this decision, her doorbell rings unexpectedly.

For some reason, Blitz is holding a mug with the logo of a local wildlife resort in his hand, looking sheepish and apologetic at the same time. “There’s still time before we have to leave for the party, right?” He sounds out of breath, cheeks as red as his ears from the cold and looks adorable.

“Sure, more than an hour. I’m just starting to get ready.” Frowning, Spectre peers into the mug. “Did you bring… compressed dirt? You’re missing a few tentacles for your Davy Jones costume, I’m afraid.”

Blitz just laughs and enters the place where they’ve spent countless hours together, her kicking his ass at her favourite video games, them attempting to bake together, coming down after intense training or when they’ve just returned after a mission. He prefers visiting her, he’s said as much, thinks her flat is more inviting and homely and she secretly agrees. He toes off his shoes, hangs up his jacket and rummages in his pockets for a few more objects before herding her into the living room, taking his usual spot on the couch next to her.

Nothing gets clearer even as he sets the cup on the low coffee table and places an unassuming envelope next to it.

“What are you doing?”

The genuine confusion in her voice seems to amuse him for some reason. “You’re an idiot, Quinn. Did you think I’d forget? Happy birthday.” And with this, he conjures up a small candle and pushes it into the soft mass inside the ceramic. This is when it clicks.

“Is this – a mug cake?” She can’t believe it.

Blitz shrugs with an embarrassed smile. “I’ve destroyed your kitchen often enough that you know how bad I am at baking. This is all I could -”

A hug cuts him off and he seems happy to reciprocate it instead of talking. His strong arms pull her closer, squeeze her reassuringly and her heart sings. She can only imagine how long he must’ve agonised over what to gift her – because she also knows how bad he is at choosing presents. “Thank you”, she whispers and means so much more, but for now it should suffice. Another squeeze. She could get used to this.

And then the quiet, serene atmosphere vanishes as soon as she opens the envelope. Blitz watches her bounce and flail and cheer for a solid minute before he points out: “There are two tickets. I figured you might not want to go alone.”

“Two tickets to fucking Gamescom?”, Spectre squeaks ecstatically.

“And the flights, and a hotel room.” He seems extremely pleased with how excitedly his gift is being accepted – and this is the best thing Spectre could’ve hoped for, it’s the largest video game convention in the entire world. She’ll get to try out upcoming titles herself, collect all the swag, stroll around among like-minded people and this is amazing. “You can take whoever you like.”

In her exhilaration she misses his tone of voice but doesn’t miss his surprised expression when she punches him in the arm. “You hoser, of course you’re coming with me.”

“Really? I – I mean, I can probably be useful since it’s in Germany, so -”

“I wouldn’t want anyone else to go with me even if it was in France, or Canada, or wherever.”

And now she notices his blush still hasn’t disappeared despite his breathing long having calmed down. …maybe the cold wasn’t really its cause. Maybe, just maybe -

“I’d love to go with you”, he says and oh, he’s not really that interested in gaming normally, and he said a hotel room, and maybe, just maybe, he told Jäger instead of her because…

It clicks. And suddenly, she knows with vicious clarity that this is going to be the best birthday of her life. “Elias”, she murmurs and waits until he finally gathers the courage to meet her fond, helpless, hopeful gaze, “do you like me?”

And the bright red colouring Blitz’ face only deepens.

Seems like she won’t be using the blood capsules today after all, not when she’s pretty sure her mouth will be occupied otherwise for the majority of the party.

And only mere minutes later, she starts considering ditching her zombie costume entirely because there’s no doubt they’re going to be late anyway. Now they really, finally, eventually got each other.

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxix.

what is your middle name?: >> Frey. what’s your favorite lyric or quote?: >> *the ‘fear is the mind-killer’ litany floats through my head again* do you support abortion?: >> I support the right to get one if one chooses. last nightmare you had?: >> I really don’t remember. who was your first crush?: >> Well, Matt Damon, probably. Or Yul Brynner. I don’t know, I didn’t realise what crushes actually were until around middle school, and these two are from before then, so my memory is vaguer.

what is an annoying overused phrase?: >> “You are valid.” What does that even mean anymore? What am I going to do with that affirmation? Throw a party? what’s usually your last thought falling asleep?: >> I don’t know. The passage into sleep is such a nebulous and sneaky one that I can’t imagine how I’m supposed to figure out what my last thought was. Thoughts generally flow into preliminary dreams, anyway, so there’s no “last” thought. Just... a changing of thoughts into other things. what’s one thing someone said to you that has always stuck in your memory?: >> Predictably, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. ever agreed with a punishment your parents gave you?: >> Of course not, I hate being punished. Just because the punishment may have been just doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it! do you like to be anti-social sometimes?: >> No. I like to be quiet and undisturbed sometimes, especially for the sake of focusing on an activity, but that is in no way anti-social behaviour. what was your childhood dream job?: >> I didn’t have one. would you ever adopt a kid?: >> Sure. ever did something you swore to yourself you never would?: >> Well, yeah, probably. what color is your toothpaste?: >> White. have you ever faked your identity on the net?: >> Nah. It never occurred to me to do that; I already contain multitudes, so I have a lot of myself to choose from when it comes to image presentation. I don’t need to fake anything. do you like roller coasters?: >> Sure. how do you feel on new years eve?: >> A low-key excitement. I enjoy the ritualistic torch-passing from one year to the next, and I always enjoy the feeling of a fresh start.  which friend is the most understanding of you?: >> I don’t know. what turns you off about a guy?: >> Hm.

what’s the weirdest thing you ever ate?: >> I’m really not sure. From my point of view, nothing I’ve eaten is particularly weird. whats your opinion on the movie napoleon dynamite?: >> I didn’t like it. have you ever chased a pigeon?: >> Nah. ever done something mean to a teacher?: >> So once in high school, I want to say tenth grade? I had this teacher named Mr Stanley. And I don’t remember what it was about Mr Stanley that annoyed me, or what he’d done to make me feel petty, but honestly I stopped getting along with teachers in middle school anyway, once it was realised that I wasn’t going to be teacher’s pet/the Smart child anymore. So maybe I was just being a bitch. But either way, The Sixth Sense was still fresh in my mind at the time, and one day on the back of my homework I wrote “Stuttering Stanley! Stuttering Stanley!” Mr Stanley, mind you, did not stutter. I was just making an annoying reference. Like I said, I don’t fuckin know why. I was a teenager, man, and not a happy or sane one either. So then when Mr Stanley sees it, he gets mad as hell and gets in my face (he was tall, too) and is just bitching me out. I don’t know why he got quite so mad lmao. Maybe he... was a stutterer, once. Wouldn’t that be wild? are you a fan of ipods?: >> No. I used to be, especially when they were a new thing, but meh. whats the biggest thing you considered stealing?: >> I don’t know. Nothing huge, I’d imagine. I’m not that good of a thief. ever been so scared you stayed up with the lights on?: >> Nah. ever ran away from home?: >> I ran away from a place that wasn’t at all home for me. what’s the worst thing your parents have said to you?: >> I don’t recall my father saying anything particularly awful to me. That wasn’t really his style. how many times have you cried yourself to sleep?: >> I have no way of knowing. would you ever sky dive?: >> I’d like to. could you handle eating a bug?: >> I could. Wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world, but it sure wouldn’t be the hardest. have you ever intentionally been a bitch?: >> Yes. ever felt like you could really be considered crazy?: >> Well, of course. do you think time travel is truly possible?: >> I don’t know enough about the subject of time to form a concrete opinion. think you can dance?: >> Yes, but I’d certainly be able to dance better if I practiced. do you still ride in shopping carts?: >> No. I think I could still fit, but getting in and out is a lot harder at this size. ever seen a Broadway play?: >> No. I’d like to. can you honestly say you’ve felt like not being alive?: >> Sure. if you could choose how to die, how would it happen?: >> I’d be old and happily tired, and it’d happen in my sleep. what is your reaction when you see the person who gives you butterflies?: >> I don’t know what that feels like. I understand it’s probably mostly metaphorical (I say mostly because I think the physical sensation is also a thing that some people must be experiencing?), but I... am not entirely sure what the metaphor is standing for. weirdest dream you can remember is…: >> Hm. Raining with sun out or snowing at night time?: >> Nighttime snow is very calming. I mean, unless you have to drive in the morning. LOL instead of roses, you’d rather receive which type of flower?: >> Sunflowers. Or anything interesting-looking, really. Or nothing. Because cut flowers are a strange gift to me. You cut a plant and doomed it to an unnatural death just to... give it to me. I don’t think I want that. Give me a living plant instead (one that I can realistically take care of, obviously, not something that requires a real garden and full sun or something). romantic ending or realistic ending in a movie?: >> I thought the point of movies was to be transported from reality, honestly. I don’t understand the obsession with realism. at this moment, whose arms would you like wrapped around you?: >> I mean, no one’s, because it’s hot. if you had telepathy, would you tell anyone?: >> I don’t know. I can’t even imagine having telepathy. The power actually doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, because of how brains work, and also because you’d literally be too full of input to... do anything. Telepathy with filtering capability is a little less nonsensical to me. if you could, what color would you paint the sky?: >> That’s not how skies work anyway. what disease would you pick to instantly cure?: >> I don’t want that sort of responsibility. if you could go back in time, what age would you go to?: >> No. is there one major thing you want to accomplish before you die (of old age)?: >> No. who do you want to talk to right this moment?: >> Hm. if you could tell the world one thing about you, what would it be?: >> No. who’s the one person you wish you could apologize to right now, for whatever reason?: >> --- what’s the least favorite part on your body?: >> Hm. who would you honestly give up your own life for?: >> I would give up life for no one. what’s the one thing you don’t like to joke around about?: >> For the most part, I don’t like jokes at the expense of people, particularly about things they can’t control or didn’t choose. Like, friends roasting me for my personality or something, sure. That’s fun. Making fun of white people for not seasoning food? All day every day. Making fun of drug addicts, or poor people, or people from other countries that you don’t understand? I’ll pass. do you think you’re intelligent?: >> Sure. I also think I’m dumb as hell. Both are true. We can’t possibly be smart about everything. do other people’s opinions of your beliefs matter to you?: >> They’re interesting sometimes, and sometimes I might even take them into consideration, but a lot of the times they’re just unsolicited and irrelevant -- not to mention arrogantly or insensitively presented. what quality in someone else just pisses you off?: >> Hm. favorite tv show as a little kid?: >> I didn’t have one. what do you like most about winter?: >> At this point, I’m so tired of winter that I can’t think about it positively. Ask me again in late July. what sound makes you cringe?: >> The sound of the dumpsters being emptied, because they have to bang it a couple of times to get all the stuff out.  do the standards of society matter to you in any way?: >> They matter when I have to interact with them, or when things are being denied me or people are treating me badly because I don’t measure up to social standards. ever tried to overdose?: >> Yes. (Obviously, I failed.) what vegetable do you pick over every other veggie?: >> Baby spinach. why are you self-conscious?: >> Because I am more aware of my self than I have ever been. ever had the conversation of marrying someone and having their kids?: >> Not the latter part. what scent makes you smile?: >> You know, I’ve never thought about it. have you ever just read the dictionary for kicks?: >> Yeah, when I was a child.  if someone stalked you, how would you react?: >> I don’t know. I’ve never been stalked so I don’t even know what it’d feel like. what is one thing that a friend might do that annoys you?: >> Hm. whats the first department you go to in a store?: >> That depends on the store and why I’m there. what kind of grapes do you like?: >> Red. have you ever been physically hurt by someone intentionally and not for fun?: >> Yes. do you often weasel out of doing things just cuz you’re lazy?: >> Maybe. Although I’m not sure I believe in laziness -- I’m sure there are probably exceptions to my theory, because there are exceptions to everything, but I think people just use “lazy” as an insult when they don’t understand why someone else doesn’t work at the same pace or level of enthusiasm or within the same time frame as they do. I think people internalise that and just roll with it. I think that “laziness” is a lazy term that hides a multitude of solveable problems -- executive dysfunction, depression, lack of balance (it’s like the Sims: if you don’t fulfill their need for fun and socialisation, their performance in all sectors suffers), inability to care about whatever-it-is, anxiety, overload/overstimulation, and so on. I say “I’m lazy lmao” because it’s honestly easier to just let myself be judged that way than try to explain these other things to people and be told I’m a liar or making up excuses. ever ignored a phone call because you knew that person was boring?: >> No. items ever thrown around in your room out of anger…: >> That has happened. Not recently. ever gone out commando?: >> No. I find that immensely uncomfortable. are you ever going to consider plastic surgery?: >> No. Couldn’t afford it anyway. do you give in easily?: >> I mean, yes, sometimes. what can’t you stand about your room?: >> It’s too small and Sigma ruined it. do you really believe in magic?: >> Yes. if you ever caught your parents in a lie, what was it?: >> A lie of omission. My father didn’t tell me that the dog we got when we moved to South Jersey had ran away, until I asked him why I haven’t seen the dog in a few days. He... thought I’d like, forget???? I don’t know what kind of logic he was working with there. :| if you were born a guy, what would you hope your name would be?: >> Hm.

were you named after anyone?: >> Originally. what’s one characteristic your ideal boyfriend would have?: >> Hm. do you need reassurance a lot?: >> Not a lot. Not often at all, really. your least favorite Disney villain is…: >> I don’t know enough Disney villains to have a least favourite. what flavor of skittles do you dislike the most?: >> I thought they all taste the same. 

[evolutionsvoid]

Have you ever been strolling through Sargasso and find yourself getting a quite peckish? Ever get back to shore after a long day of trash diving with an empty stomach? Has your parties been dragged down by boring menus and bland dishes? Well, if you said yes (or no, we don't care) then you need to find your way to Eugene's Eats! Go to the place where the flavor thrives like slime mold! Immerse yourself in a sea of delectable dishes that are pulled fresh* from the Sargasso Sea! Be amazed by the ever expanding menu, as Eugene crafts meals from things you wouldn't even think were edible! Marvel as he cooks your dinner right in front of you, showing off his wondrous skills within the "kitchen!" It is an experience that has to be seen, smelled and tasted to be believed! Try out the Century Steak, made of extremely well-aged beef that is basted with Eugene's World Famous** Spoiled Milk Glaze! Feast on the Pyro's Platter that is stacked to the ceiling with thoroughly seared meat(?) and things! Expand your borders with Eugene's Catch of the Day, which offers a brand new dish every hour! You will never know what you'll get, but you will know that whatever Eugene fishes out, he will make it a masterpiece! Bring the whole family down and enjoy one of Eugene's Trash Bin Feasts! The kids will love the fun prizes that they find in their meal!*** See something on today's menu that you are craving, but you can't fit a visit into your busy schedule? Not to fear! Eugene always keeps a couple of spare dishes around for just that reason! So stop by within the next two months and ask for it by name! So what are you waiting for?! Swing by Eugene's Eats today and try out the eatery that every Basura is raving about! Don't forget that Eugene's Eats caters! Spice up that work party by bringing in the great Eugene himself! He brings his impressive kitchen and pantry to any event you want, and will serve up a helping of fun to all your guests! What a surprise that would be! Imagine the look on your guests' faces as they smell that distinct Eugene odor heading their way! You'll be the talk of the town! So don't wait a moment longer! Hunt down Eugene's Eats and enjoy the finest the Sargasso Sea has to offer! *The term "fresh" is referring to the time it takes between retrieving said ingredients from the sea and preparing the dish. The term "fresh" is not referring to the condition of the ingredients when they are found.   ** Thanks to food critic Shanton Garby, who claimed that it was "the most repulsive thing to ever exist in the world."     *** Eugene's Eats is not responsible for any injury, choking, bleeding or death that may occur from the trinkets, scraps, toys, knives, used clothing or firearms that may be found within the Trash Bin Feast.     ------------------------------------------------------- This culinary trash heap is the result of a request from Amanacer-Fiend0 , who wanted to see my take on his race of living trash containers, the Basura.  Since such creatures come in all shapes and sizes (be it a bag, a trash can or a literal dumpster), I wound up making one that seems to be the fusion of a humanoid Bag-type and a Dumpster-type. This wacky guy was quite fun to design! Sargasso and the Basura belong to Amanacer-Fiend0

[hedgewolf-hunters]

First meeting.

Infernia: EEEHHHHEHEHEHEHEHE IM SO EXCITED! OVER THE WEEK BREAK MOM FINALLY LET ME TAKE THE CALIBUR TRIALS! If you want to know what it is listen in and i will tell you.

In the mansion besides Castle Blackstone the Darkos family is relaxing. Drake is playing cards with Scarlet, a female wolf with shoulder length hair done up in a ponytail and two small quills, a swirling galaxy left eye and burning Amber right eye. Shes wearing a short sleeve hoodie with jeans and a half skirt in a pair of sneakers. Shes looking up at her twin from her cards who has a solid poker face holding his cards in front of his eyes. She goes back to looking at her hand as Sky walks by with a arm full of groceries.

"Ok kids me and Aura are gonna be running the shop today. Theirs food in the fridge, Bane is out with Sodina enjoying the first real vacation in forever so try not to bother them. And what am i forgetting?" Sky says tapping your chin.

"Mom can i-" Infernia starts.

"No. Thats what it was. Im sorry Infernia but you know i want you to focus on your studies before your physical abilities." Sky says.

"But MOM, dad and Aunt Aura took the test at 15. Im here now two years older and still dont have a calibur weapon. Come on its just not fair." Inferna whines.

"Sweetie do you know what it means to have a Calibur weapon? Have you ever wondered who you would get to be bound to you for the rest of your immortal souls existence?" Sky asks her youngest daughter.

"Yes mom i know. To be bound to a calibur is a union more permanent than any other. You will have a friend through all your lives from the time you bond till the end of time. Every reincarnation will receive a gift of your memories from each incarnation. Sometimes it drives the users wild in some lives and causes them to rampage in a melded form till they are put down." Infernia says pouting.

"You still want to form a bond with a Calibur?" Sky asks

"Yes. I want to be able to know that i am not alone in my next life. That even if my life is one of torment that i will always have another with me to pull me from my dark life." Infernia says with pleading eyes. Sky sighs and pets her daughters head.

"Fine but if you fail this trial you will never ask me for this again, am i understood?" Skay asks. Infernia smiles and hugs her mother tight.

"Oooohhhh thank you thank you thank you! I promise mom." Infernia says. Sky sighs smiling and kissing her daughters head.

"Alright Scarlet, Drake, put down the cards. You two need to take your sister to her trial while the sun is still up." Sky says. Drake smirks and puts his cards down face first before standing and turning to his mother and baby sister.

"Done deal. I was getting tired of playing Scarlet for her money anyway." Drake says.

"Oh my god your hand was complete trash! How are you able to keep up a poker face with a hand like this!" Scarlet exclaims throwing his cards face up. A king a two a four a eight and an ace are his hand. Her own hand slighty scattered was two aces and three fives.

"Years of practice my dear twin." Drake says.

"Ugh that smug look says it all. Fine lets take the squirt to the cave. I need some fresh air and sometime to relax." Scarlet says as she gets up. Drake follows suit as Infernia kisses her mothers cheek.

"We'll be back before night fall. Love you!" Infernia says as she follows her siblings out the front door. Sky smiles softly than frowns as she rubs her cheeks.

"You should have told her the other trait of bonding with a Calibur." A feminine buzzing voice says.

"I know swarm. That as you bond with it it absorbs a part of your soul to conect back to you with each new incarnation." Sky says rubbing her chest over her heart.

"As i have done with your love for your family in every rebirth." Swarm says.

"I know! I know. Look its time i headed back in before Aura starts hula dancing." Sky says as she heads out the door locking up behind her.

Scarlet and Infernia are giggling as they leave pink and red streaks while they run through the forest. A rift appears right in front of a large tree as the girls both touch it. Drake pops through the rift and digs his fingers into the tree to hold himself up. Than he climbs down quickly grumbling as he does.

"Aster please tell me thats interference from the trials and not that you just thought it would be funny to turn me into a cat." Drake says as the rift closes. A few seconds of silence and he sighs grinding his teeth.

"Oh is he having a chat with Aster now?" Infernia asks. Scarlet nods and pulls out her bow from under her skirt.

"One of the things about a Calibur is that the user can always have a chat with the weapon in private. The only ones able to have a conversation with any other is Bane's Hyleia as the first Calibur, and Sraya who now belongs to Sodina." Scarlet says Keilisa glows in Scarlets hand.

"Yes yes Keilisa. Alright Infernia its time for you to take your test." Scarlet says leading Infernia behind the tree to a dugout hill leading down. Infernia shivers and squeezes her arms in self assurance.

"Its ok Infernia youve practiced on Aunt Aura's demo trial. You know whats waiting for you down there. You got this." Scarlet says to give her reassurance on top of her self assurance. Infernia nods and breathes out slowly.

"Wish me luck guys." Infernia says.

"You dont need luck sister. You got skill, youll get yourself a lifetime partner and we'll be waiting here to see her." Drake says. Infernia smiles a little as she starts going down the stairs that were carved into the dugout. The last step collapses into a slide. Infernia gives a small shriek as she falls down tumbling head first.

A few seconds later she calms her nerves and curls up into a ball and spindashes the rest of the way down to a landing. Infernia uncurls and stands up patting herself down. She looks around at the dark cavern she ended up in. Slowly she starts forward into the cave system keeping her senses about her. Within a minute of walking whispers begin passing her ears.

"Tell us your fears. Tell us your dreams. Tell us your story. Tell us why." Are most of what she hears as she moves forward. Suddenly the cave lights up and shes in a desolate city, building have been toppled, bodies line the streets and the world seems to be on fire. Over head a dragon flies by and perches on several buildings its body weight causing the building to crumble with ease.

"No dad stopped this. He stopped you from changing." She whispers to herself a flash of her father pushing her out of the fat foxes hands and skewering him seconds before a giant maw snaps shut around them. The dragon glares at Infernia and growls. It climbs down from the perch made of rubble and starts heading towards her. She backs up as it picks up pace slolwy while it moves towards her. She starts full on sprinting when it is charging at her.

Five minutes of the chase and a building collapses infront of her blocking her. She stops in her tracks and dives into an alley as the dragon crashes through it in front of her. She pants as she tries to catch her breath. She gets up trying to tip toe away from the dragon while it searches through the rubble. A small whimper to her right stops her. Infernia looks over and sees a small hedgehog cowering in the corner behind a half crushed dumpster. Infernia moves behind the dumpster with her and she clamps onto her arm.

"Its ok shhhh. Dont cry little one. It can't get back here." Infernia whispers to the crying girl. They both hear the dragon sniffing at the entrance to the alley and its claw digging into the walls trying to dig them out. The girl starts to cry as Infernia looks back at the dragon than at her. Biting her lip Infernia picks up the girl and stares at the only way in or out of the alley which the dragon has blocked. It growls at them as it claws the walls away faster. The childs head is buried in Infernia shoulder shivering as Infernia herself stands on nervous limbs. Taking slow deep breaths Infernia moves forward towards the claws. She watches as the clawing becomes more frantic as she does.

Infernia runs at the claws as the little girl screams in terror. She jumps through a gap in the claws and continues towards the dragon. It swipes at her again and she sidesteps the attack continuing forward. The tail comes from above and makes to stab her, she jumps back quickly and ducks down as a claw follows. She runs again and jumps on falling rubble. Using it as steps up to the dragons head she mentally marks the spot for her attack. She side jumps from another tail strike and plants her feet firmly on the dragons pad in its calw as it swips up at her. She sprints down its arm before it can close its claw on them and jumps off its elbow. The dragon opens its maw as she jumps and makes to swallow them both whole. Infernia clutches the child tighter and before they fall into its maw she grabs a tooth and flings herself up out of its maw and at its nose. She forces its maw closed with an axe kick to the bridge of its nose hard enough to create a shock of wind. Before her foot can leave the grip of the dragons skin she shifts her momentum from forward, to down.

The dragons eye glares at her, red swirling down into a sky blue. Infernia smiles sweetly as she uses her free hand to throw a punch with all her weight and momentum into its center between its eyes. The sound of cracking can be heard as the dragon rears its head back its eyes going blank as it falls over. Infernia lands sliding back from the falling dragon. She breaths a sigh of relief as she flexes her hand.

"You really do have a hard head big brother. Sorry i had to crack it for now but you should heal soon enough." Infernia says. She pats his snout and the girl pats her cheeks. She turns to look and the girl is like her except a wolf. With a smile the girl and the entire scene fades.

Infernia finds herself in a slightly well lit cavern. Behind her are traps that look to have done similar to the dragons attacks. She sighs in relief as she continues forward into the cavern. The deeper she goes the more omonious light fills the space of the cavern.

Without warning the cavern turns into the city she has known for her entire life. But its different from the city she knows. Turning around to look she notices the Castle Blackstone in the center of the city. Along with that the city seems too...calm compared to its normal subtle edge state of mind.

Infernia sees the wolf girl look alike running with some other little kids. She stops and waves Infernia to follow them. Seeing as how the little girl is the only thing from the last vision she sees she decides to follow her. The kids run through alleys and backstreets heading towards the castle. The closer they get the bigger the houses get with familiar crests inside she could see through windows. Once they reach the castle the little wolf tugs on Infernia skirt some to get her attention. Looking down the girl points at the gate and the guards stationed at it.

"You guys want to see the inside of the castle?" She asks, to which all the kids nod. She smiles as she heads towards the castle gate that the girl pointed out. The guards put up their spears in a x formation blocking the passage.

"Oh come now gentlemen. Surely you can let me and a couple of kids in." She says.

"Sorry but our orders are to keep all interruptions out while the council of houses is in service." A guard says.

"On who's command?" She asks.

"By the order of the high alpha my lady." The guard replies.

"Im just gonna give the kids a tour nothing to bother them in the conference room." Infernia says.

"We're sorry ma'am but orders are orders." The guard says keeping firm.

"Alright than. You now have two options. Let me through or I blow the doors of their hinges. Your call." Infernia says. The guards stand firm.

"Alright but remember you are the ones who took this path." Infernia says stepping back and tackling a guard in the stomach. She activates her alpha mark at the last second and on impact an explosion sends the guard through the door. She grins and grabs his shield and ushers the kids behind her as guards come to see the commotion. They see the passed out guard and the other trying to hold back Infernia. Soon they move in to join him in holding her back and she backs up some as she prepares another explosion.

"To your left." The little girl whispers. Infernia turns and blocks an incoming strike and pushes back sending the guard back into the others. She grabs the little girl in her arm and charges forward igniting again and causing another explosion sending a collection of guards flying away. The kids keeping close to her follow as she creates a path to the castle. The little girl is watching around them giving Infernia warnings of attackers behind, ahead, left, and right. She doesnt think twice about each direction as she blocks and pushes them back and uses explosions to send some guards flying. The closer to the castle they get the more guards keep blocking them. The last line of defense being a sheild wall around them.

"Overhead." The little girl says giving Infernia an idea. She pulls all the kids onto her back as she charges up another explosion. But instead of charging forward she slams the sheild down and focuses the blast underneath. With the recoil from the explosion she and all the kids rocket up and over the shield wall and on the front door of the castle gates. With a grin Infernia kicks open the door and shes back in the cavern. But its alight with rainbow colors flowing up from a mountain of material in the center of the current large cavern. She looks at her arm and notices the battered warrior shield is still there. Loosening her grip the shield activates a function and collapses into a half shield with a short sword like extension on her forearm.

"Congratulations young Hedgehog. You've made it to the inner sanctum and collected a Calibur. But let me ask you young miss, why?" A voice like the little wolf girls asks. Infernia looks around and looks at the stone before her and than down at her forearm.

"My name is Infernia Luna Darkos, please don't call me young miss or young Hedgehog. And I have more than one reason for coming to partner with you." Infernia says bringing up the shield that is now in pristine condition.

"Hehe. Smart one you are. My name is Gradia and I still need your answer." The shield says as a pink orb flies up from the center to circle her.

"Well im sure you know that I was looking for a partner so not to be alone in my lives. Selfish but considering the wolrd we live in, its normal for someone who has lost alot to want that. But i also want to be able to protect my family, present and future. I don't want to be a bother to them on hunts, like when i let a target get away because Drake had to free me from some speed trap. I dont want to always be protected by them like with dad and that fat fox. I want to fight with them as equals, not handicapped thanks to their specialties." Infernia says. The orb continues to circle her as she speaks and flies through her a few times.

"Would you be willing to let me bond to your familial piety Infernia?" Gradia asks.

"If you are willing to accept me from now till the end of time. I will give you the piece you require." Infernia says. The orb lets out a snort.

"You dont have to be so formal about it. Ah than it is a deal my master Infernia. I Gradia do swear to serve you in this life and every life after." Gradia says after a small fit of giggles. With that the light slams into Infernia chest.

Infernia: Hehe gradia and i have been training for the past couple of days learning about eachother. We know that we still arent ready for a mission, we cant even preform a soul meld yet so we'll keep practicing. But i feel like we could take on an army or two ourselves. How about you Gradia?" I ask the shield on my forearm.

Gradia: I think we could do a few more than two thats for sure. After all we have been making explosive results. Who knows what the future holds for us.

[mykatesingh-blog]

  Well, I’m finally back to my old self. Some of you know that we were about to purchase some land and old mobile home and it fell through. We should have stopped there but we had our house on the market and had committed to our realtor for six months. We tried our hand at another home, a loan, and lots of drives in the country to explore. We were disappointed over and over and the loan was not sufficient or the owner carry situations didn’t work out.

It was the confusion and vagueness of life that really took me down to the dark end of the street. It was that desire to have a new challenge and live somewhere better and not having a clear answer.  It was that raggedy hope that limped along to the next carnival booth to try at winning a prize only to lose big again and again.

But today I had a clear answer. NO. Not now. Or for a lonnnnnggg time. Get over it and get back to tending to this world lady!  So, no decent loan, no deal, no new home or land. Then other things happened to back it up. Bali’s only two employees are going to India for two months leaving him and the big boss to deal with the store alone leaving no time for a future move or home restore. And then the realtor for the last hope house never called back. Things have literally stopped moving forward.

I feel better. I do. I was getting downright depressed. I wanted to cry with frustration. Now I feel grounded and sanity is returning. Even the answer no is comforting sometimes.

I spent today cleaning a filthy house. I washed and scrubbed, I swept floors by hand, I turned up the music and brewed the coffee. Nothing like that coffee smell to signal the brain to start being productive. I put away piles of laundry. I feel so good right now that you would never know I was so wilted. I even laughed during a conversation on the phone.

Now I’m back to a plan. If we can’t get a good loan we will have to save cash. And I can save like a rock star. I love to get that notebook and pen out and write out our budget and then list all the ways we can save. Out comes the envelope for groceries.

  Bali manages a gas station down the street but it doesn’t pay much so we are considering selling the old car, getting something younger and hybrid and he can work Uber, Lyft or even delivery of some kind part-time in the city.

I can manage our money better by finding ways to take care of what we have, mend holes in our clothes, hand wash the stains out to preserve clothing better. I will work with a much smaller food budget. I can shop at WinCo, have us go back to a plant-based/whole food diet (I usually still feed the boys’ goats milk, fish, eggs…I’m not into them being veganish).

I have learned new tricks from Homestead Tessie on YouTube with going to food pantries after hours when they throw away the leftover food and produce and I would can and dehydrate all of it to stock my pantry. I would only take what was about to meet the garbage bin and not be taking from anyone in true need. I’m not ready to dumpster dive although I am glad others are doing it and helping curb that waste of good food.

We ate from our garden well this summer but not for long. I did put up 13 quarts of spaghetti sauce and may have more soon to put up. I have two bushels of butternut squash. The eggplant and zucchini are still producing but we went through the potatoes and onions fast. The melons didn’t do well and my corn is not coming up. We didn’t plant that smart and the viny plants took over not leaving much room for other foods. I also stopped gardening in my quest to move to greener pastures.

Now that my house is clean and organized I will work in the garden the next few days. I need to see what I can plant in August, harvest the old stuff, start seeds in my greenhouse, get back to my mini-farm. Eating from our neighbors’ nectarine tree (just what grew on our side) and our garden allowed me to have plenty of fresh, organic produce for a few weeks all free.

The Dollar Tree can even help stock the pantry. Oh, and I have a new homemade laundry soap recipe…all from Homestead Tessie. I don’t have many original ideas, I learn from others. I do the research. When I get into this mode I have so much fun learning new tricks and finding creative ways to make do or do without!

There are a few things you should know about me; first of all, I really want to live in a mobile home on some land. I love the forest and mountains and small, charming towns. I like everything lush and lovely but I have the obsession for an old mobile home that I can fix up like my very own dollhouse. I like challenges and old things. I like fixing things up. I enjoy being on a budget and I love nothing more than finding a fun vlog or blog about living a cozy life on pennies. I don’t know why. I shan’t ever be rich with this fascination. I would rather follow someone making a great life on a fixed income than someone finding riches.

I can’t speak for my family, but I don’t need much. I would like to travel later on when the boys are bigger and don’t act like feral puppies when we go out. I would surely lose them in some foreign country now with how they ran about.

I can’t get into coupons. Tried and never works for me. We eat simply and I cook from scratch. What the coupons are offered for are things we don’t use.

I love making everything from scratch and stocking my pantry. It’s becoming a hobby. Canning is a new thing for me as well and I love doing it.

I love all things homesteading as long as I don’t have to deal with animal husbandry (not that I don’t love animals but it’s a messy, poopy job) and I’m not the skilled woman with the knitting needles and sewer. I’m far from crafty but I have found you can transform an old piece of junk furniture with a can of spray paint. I like to browse Pinterest and find those simple crafty things an eight-year-old can do…then I know I might be up for the task. The smart way to find ways to use odd and old things…yes, Pinterest and see what others have done with say a broken metal rake or all the things you can do with old jars or shipping flats.

Since starting the writing of this blog yesterday, my husband gave me $179 in cash for groceries. I’ll get into the budget later but anything over $1000 paycheck is for groceries, dog food, and toiletries.

The family and I traveled over to WinCo and did some shopping. I hadn’t done a grocery shop in over a month. At the beginning of July, some generous soul sent us a $300 Winco card and I completely stocked my pantry with bulk ingredients. I have cooked from that supply, the garden, and maybe a few items from the store once a week such as a watermelon, baked chicken, milk…

I spent $125 on 6 bags of groceries last night. I have restocked my freezer with frozen veggies, my pantry with 10lb bags of rice, potatoes, rice, and plenty of fresh produce and extras to make good, healthy meals for 10 days plus extra supplies for the month. The trick is cutting out the meat and dairy. We did get a little yogurt for the boys but I can easily and inexpensively make homemade yogurt from now on.

The magic formula for feeding your family well on a small alotment is simply this:

All scratch cooking, buying bulk (check the price per pound because it doesn’t always save), stick to produce, grains, beans, potatoes, whole foods, everything in season, limit meat and dairy or cut it out, and no junk food.

So, off I go to look on Farmer’s Almanac to see what is ready to plant mid-August. I’ll go work out in the garden all day today since we are being blessed with the 80-degree weather after days of triple digits.  Planting your own produce section is another great money saver as well.

Have a great week!

      Time to buckle down and get creative with saving money. Well, I'm finally back to my old self. Some of you know that we were about to purchase some land and old mobile home and it fell through.

[boxyladies]

Today is a special day because it’s the four-year anniversary of Boxy Ladies! I honestly can’t believe we have kept it up this long. I think both Jill and I fully expected this phase would end after a few months, but somehow, we’ve kept it up for FOUR YEARS. It’s a lot of work, but we both agree it’s fun and worth it. Besides – we have a LOT of opinions, so we definitely need a platform to share them, duh. So cheers to us, and cheers to you, our loyal readers. Sometimes I feel like my mom is our only reader but I KNOW there are more of you out there, and we love you all. Tell your friends about us, too! We are fun girls, they will probably like us.

And onto the topic at hand – Part 2 of dumpster diving through Lauren’s trash! If you missed Part 1, click here to see my empty skincare, makeup and hair products! Today we are going to discuss makeup removers, random body products, sheet masks and nail products.

Makeup Removers

Yes to Coconut Hydrate & Restore ($4.29): I started keeping these in my car for a few reasons. The packaging is nice, so they don’t dry out like the ones with just the sticky plastic strip. But mostly I keep them in there because when I get up at 4:30 a.m., it’s nice to be able to sleep in those extra 5 minutes it would take to wash my face. So I’m able to use these wipes in my car on the way to spin. I like these in particular because they are moisturizing as well, so I feel like this sort of takes care of two steps in one. I don’t like putting on a heavy moisturizer right before I work out anyway, so this is really nice. I also will use these after spin, to wipe away the sweat while I am in transit to my shower. I don’t like the feeling of sweat on my face, so I like having these in my car for that reason as well.

Honest Beauty Refreshingly Clean Makeup Remover Wipes ($9.50): I got these in a box and honestly did not really care for them at all. I don’t feel like they were wet enough for what I like in a makeup remover. Plus they are kind of expensive.

Kleenex Eye Makeup Removers ($14.99 for Starter pack and refill): I like these little tiny eye makeup removers when I am actually applying makeup. I don’t need a whole makeup wipe necessarily, but sometimes, I’ll squeeze out eyeshadow primer or swatch some shadows or liners on the back of my hand to see what colors I want to use, so I like to use these little baby removers to get that off. I bought the main starter pack awhile ago, so now I’m working my way through a few of the little refills. I’ve bought again and will continue to buy again. It’s a little hard for me to tell if Kleenex is still making these but they are still available on Amazon.

Up&Up Makeup Remover Cleansing Towelettes ($3.89): I actually linked the fragrance-free version of these but I prefer the regular version that you can get in-store, next to the Neutrogena ones. I actually recently got the fragrance-free Neutrogena wipes and I think I actually hate them. They aren’t as wet, and it’s much harder to remove my makeup. But the original Up&Up dupes that sit next to the Neutrogena version are the bomb.

Body

Bausch + Lomb Bio True Multi-Purpose Solution ($15.99/pack of 2): I used to use the Up&Up Target brand for contact lens solution because… I don’t really want to spend money on contact lens solution. But I have to admit that the Bio True really makes my eyes feel better and less irritated on a regularly basis. I like that each box comes with a new contact lens case, so even if you aren’t the best at keeping your contact lens case super clean, you get a new one every time. (Recycle the old one, duh!)

Dove Dry Spray Invisible in Sheer Fresh ($5.59): This is my favorite anti-perspirant/deodorant. I know I should probably be using natural deodorants by now but… I’m not there yet, and this is my journey. I love this stuff because I can put it on before I get dressed and not get white stuff all over my clothes. I’ll be honest the spray isn’t quite as good as a regular stick deodorant in terms of wetness, so I make sure to put on a little more than I think I’ll need, and I’m good to go.

Up&Up Five Blade Disposable Razors ($8.29): I absolutely love these razors because I hate having to use a separate shaving cream, I just want to get the job done, you know what I mean? I think Jill was the one who told me about these in the first place. They are comparable to the Venus Embrace razors which are way more expensive. I think these are great for my gym bag, but I’m lazy and I use them at home, too.

Olay Cooling White Strawberry & Mint Body Wash ($4.99): I really love this stuff because it smells like a strawberry Starburst. If you know me, you already know that’s really the biggest selling point to me. I’m a big fan. I like smelling like a Strawberry Starburst while eating Strawberry Starbursts. I have the full-size of this in my shower.

Quip Mint Anti-Cavity Toothpaste ($5): I spoke about this toothpaste in my last empties blog, so as you can see, I’m still using it. I don’t have much more to say about it that I didn’t say then, but it’s my favorite, and I love both the toothpaste and the Quip Toothbrush itself, and I highly recommend both!

Jergens Natural Glow Wet Skin Moisturizer (Medium to Tan) ($8.49): As I mentioned in my last blog, I love this stuff. I have no idea how many bottles I’ve purchased, but I’ve bought it over and over again and will continue to do so indefinitely.

Masks

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

KNC Beauty All Natural Collagen Infused Lip Mask ($25/5): I was incredibly skeptical when I received these in a box. At first, I thought these were a glorified chapstick until I realized they were really great for the areas AROUND the lips, which are becoming a problem for me with my love of drinking iced coffee out of straws. These are basically little jelly-esque masks that fit on and around your lips comfortably, with a slit in the middle that allows you to talk. I don’t know if I will buy these, as I do have a few left. But I now understand why they exist, and I would definitely recommend them!

Sulwhasoo Snowise Brightening Mask ($130/10): I was hoping this mask would change my life like The Shins did to Zach Braff in Garden State, but it did not. Just felt like a regular sheet mask. Shrug.

Flashmasque Illuminate ($30/5): I only had one mask to try so I don’t know what the effects would have been if I had used it more than once, but it was fine. Felt nice and my skin felt brighter the next day.

BioBelle #IWokeUpLikeThis mask ($3.99): This is similar to the Flashmasque Illuminate – it felt nice and my skin felt a bit brighter the next day, but I haven’t repurchased.

Bonvivant Botanical Mask Pack Aloe (can’t find this for sale anywhere): I used this mask when my mom was in town and was pleasantly surprised when it was more flesh-toned than a regular stark-white mask. It is apparently made out of “botanical fiber” rather than paper. I honestly do not know what that means since I think trees/paper are also a botanical fiber? But this one stuck to my face really well, and I think it was fine. I am not said I can’t get this anywhere, it was just fine, I wouldn’t have bought it again.

Too Cool For School Egg Cream Mask ($6): My mom actually used this one when she was here. It looks nice, they sell this brand at Sephora. She said that her skin felt nice and soft after using it, so that’s a pretty good review.

L’Amour Exfoliating Foot Mask ($16.99/set of 5): I am really into the “Baby Feet” Foot exfoliators. For the uninitiated, you put these little chemical-exfoliator booties on your feet for an hour and about 4 days later, your feet start peeling. About a week later, the skin on your feet will have completely come off – pain free. It’s a little gross, but your feet feel soft and new.

Feel Brilliant Bamboo Charcoal Sheet Mask ($35/4): I am trying to remember how I felt about this because I used it months ago (I will take better notes next time) – I don’t typically love this kind of mask because I mostly go for moisture when I’m wearing a sheet mask but charcoal does the opposite – it pulls gunk OUT of the skin. The mask didn’t dry my skin out, which was nice, but I will use these kinds of masks more often when my skin is a bit more “troubled” than it is now.

Nails

Julep Ta Da! Quick Dry Drops ($18): I really like to use these every time I do my nails. I feel like these drops help my nails dry just a bit faster than they would without it. I’ve repurchased and I will repurchase again!

Julep Clean Slate Polish Remover Pads ($14): I think I bought these on a whim one time but I really ended up liking them! They are essentially a small piece of felt that is soaked in polish remover. The felt helps you get off very stubborn nail polish, like glitter. But I liked that these were individually wrapped because I could easily pack them with me on trips without having to worry about packing a whole bottle of polish remover.

Miscellaneous

Ritual Essential for Women ($30): I thought I would include a mini-review of the Ritual vitamins because they are all over insta and social media for being the “prettiest” vitamins – and I have to admit, their aesthetic really appealed to me – but do they work? I’ve been taking them for going on three months now and I honestly feel like they are helping in a positive way. I’ve been feeling overall better lately, and while I can’t attribute all of that to a vitamin, I really do feel like it’s been helping with my energy level a bit. I like this vitamin because it contains the ingredients that you probably don’t already get from food. One thing that I really like about these vitamins over others is they smell and taste a bit minty (as opposed to fishy or weird) because they have this rubber minty tab in each bottle which basically infuses the vitamins with the scent without having to add anything extra to the vitamin itself. Genius. Is this as cheap as a vitamin you can get from the drugstore? No, obviously. But it’s definitely not as expensive as some other vitamins either, so I’m happy to pay for it. The first month they sent it to me, they included this little calendar card with stickers you could put on it for 21 days to help you create the habit. I mean… I love stickers. I was in.

[line]

And that’s it for this round of trash! I hope Jill will let us go dumpster diving into her trash sometime soon, but otherwise, I’ll come back at the end of Fall and share all of my trash with you again. You’re welcome.

xo, Lauren

Purchased; All opinions are my own Post contains affiliate links

Lauren’s Trash – Would I Buy Again? Part 2 | Empties Summer 2018 Today is a special day because it's the four-year anniversary of Boxy Ladies! I honestly can't believe we have kept it up this long.