#yes trans femmes and trans mascs face different issues

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

ah genderkoolaid (the op of the queer post) is one of those transmisogynistic bloggers that believes in “transandrophobia” :/ his pinned is all about it

oh anon this is not a can of worms I’m equipped to speak on in depth due to not publishing anything about my agab or gender identity on this blog.

[faggy--butch]

"I'll also say that this is sometimes supported by the trans man creators, like Jammidoger. It's not just the trans women, it's not just the essayists […]" & "you should feel gender affirmed from the violence done to you because that's just how men are actually".

Thing is, until I found trans men/masc people talking about transmisandry/transandrophobia online, every time I tried interacting with my local trans community, especially with other trans men/masc people, has included them all parroting or agreeing with the above sentiments, and it's why I stopped going to my local support group or interacting with them at all. Hearing those things from some well-known and respected trans women and men in our local community and getting pushback when I wanted to talk about trans masc issues, was just so disappointing.

Which is why I'm happy Jessie made that video and came to the conclusion she did. I left a comment just about my opinion on the matter, that while yes I've felt left out on her videos and wish she included our perspective more often, I also remind myself that she and her co-writer are both trans femme. So I don't take it as intentionally or even unintentionally leaving us out, it's a side effect of people writing what they know, however, that's exactly why I watch her, to get a better perspective for myself of trans women/femme issues.

But there were also lots of trans men and masc people in the comments who said a lot more about what our issues are and the harm it does to exclude us, how we do face similar or even the same kind of violence for the same reasons as trans women and femme people, and that often, her exclusion of us in her videos (especially the Barbie one) is adding onto the already exhaustive history of transandrophobia from within the trans community. While I've not changed or added to my comment, in the face of those others, it felt lacking, but I'm also really kinda exhausted at this point, since I've been fighting against biphobia from both cishet and other queer people most of my life now, so in the face of transandrophobia, I just have no more fight in me and have resorted to elevating the voices of others who do.

Sorry for the rant, you don't have to respond, I guess I just wanted to say thank you for getting a ball rolling and here's hoping it goes farther than other attempts before this.

Hey! I think I actually saw your comment, I thought about it a lot too which is is cool that it's bringing me full circle here but I do also agree in part that because they are trans femmes their thoughts and opinions are bound to be almost exclusively from their perspective. I do also watch for that perspective in part as well, but I feel that bigger trans creators who talk about trans topics, need to remember that there isn't just that one kind.

They have the opportunity to make a difference, to give others a voice, a voice which severely lacking in these spaces. I'm not going to wholesale blame them for perpetuating transandrophobia or anything, but if you're making a video on trans experiences and then leave out a crucial part of that experience, or at worse, uncritically repeat those same ideas as a bigger creator with lots of followers, it can have a serious negative impact on members of that groups and reinforces it, transandrophobia. This reminds me of the video that Abigail Thorne did called Beauty, Food, Mind. A lot of that video is her talking about how fatphobia affects HER, a thin beautiful actress, and doesn't really even mention much of fat struggles, or get fat perspectives, and she gained a lot of criticism within the fat youtube community for it because she had an opportunity and the didn't take it, making fatphobia only about thin people instead. I will be honest, I haven't had much of an irl queer community, I have my friends and I have gone out and interacted, but I'm disabled, and poor. I don't have the chance to go to any sort of community events or anything other than maybe a drag show every now and again especially here were I live now, I moved and am back in my home state, so it does make me nervous to even seek out and find a local community. online it's easier to brush off that kind of thing, not being considered or being talked down to or ignored, and tbh gaslit, but in real life? In my own home area, in my real domain?

I'm not sure I'd know how to cope with that rn, especially because I too have had some, let's just say not great experiences with in few irl trans people semi community type groups.

Lots of people are hurting and they take it out on each other, so I feel like I have to put on a persona, or be more femme to even be taken seriously and that sucks. So yeah, it's a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about transandrophobia online with other men and I'm happy happy happy we have this, but It is disappointing and I think it shows historically why trans men have tended to keep to ourselves.

[the-t-boy-king]

 I feel like trans men/ trans masc people get shit on and a lot of our issues are ignored as a whole (even though both groups of people face the same amount of violence). When it comes to transitions between the two, trans women and trans femms get a lot praise then trans men and trans masc. Trans women/femms’ often get their transitions celebrated and of course they deserve it but other the other hand, trans men/masc’s transition are kinda shit on. It feels like a lot of the time it comes down to “ew a stinky man”.  I’ve been told many times things like “Men are so gross and you want to become one” as a joke is too many to count. It’s really disheartening to hear and I actually feel some level of shame for wanting to transition and going on T and shit. 

Don’t get me wrong, I get it. People raised female are often told that men are dangerous and shit like that. I was raised female. Toxic masculinity can be deadly but it feels like all masculinity is seen as something bad and shouldn’t be enjoyed by anyone. 

I do think a part of the reason has to do with male privilege trans men and trans masc get. However when it comes to cis men and trans men/ masc male privilege, there a big difference. Our male privilege depends on if we pass or not. If a cis gay man gets outed or if he comes out, he’ll still have male privilege. Yes, cis gay men can be treated differently because they’re gay ie called si*sy and get assaulted but for the most part, people still see cis gay men are seen as men.  On the other hand, if a trans man / trans masc get outed/ come out, the male privilege can be lost depending on who finds out. Essentially, trans men/ trans masc’s male privilege is hanging on by a thread. 

 This is of course a lot more nuance than what I’m making it out to be. There are so many factors at play here and I know I’m complaining about dumb shit but it’s so disheartening and such an isolating feeling to see people shit on my transition just because I’m FtM. Well, I’m not exactly FtM because my gender is messy but my point still stands. 

[alexelyan]

I don't usually like discourse and try to avoid it, but this feels important.

From what I've seen online, trans women and femmes get spoken over whenever they try to bring up transmisogyny, and trans men and mascs get spoken over whenever they try to bring up transandrophobia. In reality, both face different but related issues caused by society being shitty to trans people. And until we start actually listening to each other, we're not going to make any progress with any of these issues.

Being so divided is not helpful! We're spending too long as a community fighting amongst ourselves online when we should be trying to make things better for everyone. BOTH trans femmes and trans mascs are guilty of this.

I'm a nonbinary person that presents masc some days and femme others. Am I TMA? TME? Or maybe have we create another stupid way of dividing our own community when people are all going to experience a variety of issues based on their gender identity, transition progress, presentation, transition goals, race, class, age, etc etc etc?

Yes, trans women and trans femmes face transmisogyny at a higher rate and it's an issue that needs to be addressed, but a lot are lashing out at trans mascs about that as though it's the fault of another group that sometimes also faces misogyny and transmisogyny in particular. Yes, trans men and mascs get excluded from queer spaces and demonised for being men, but that doesn't give them the right to talk over trans women when they try to bring up their specific issues. Everyone just needs to take a breath and practice listening to each other.

To your point about one being more perpetuated by the system, I strongly disagree. Trans men are also oppressed by the system, because the idea of someone assigned female going up the social hierarchy in a patriarchal society is a threat to the system. Also, trans men and mascs, especially those that don't "pass" are not suddenly given male privelidge when they come out. They still face the oppression of people viewed as "women". That is to say, misogyny. They just also have the added issues of visibly trying to leave the oppressed group that society assigned them to, which comes with social sanctions. It's another form of transmisogyny, and needs to be allowed to be included in these conversations. Yet whenever it is brought up, trans men get shouted down for perpetuating patriarchy by talking over trans women.

Overall, people on both sides (because TMA/TME does create a new binary, can we please stop creating new binaries!!!) need to calm down and learn to listen to each other rather than instantly trying to say that the other group is trying to erase their issues. And I think a large part of the problem is that trans femmes and trans mascs have formed two separate communities online. Not inherently a bad thing, but when people aren't willing to come together to have conversations sometimes outside of those bubbles, we'll never get anywhere with making society safer for all trans people.

exempt

[ID: Four-panel comic.

Panel 1: A green person is talking to a blue person, while another green person is in the background holding a sign saying "stop putting green people in the contraption." There is a van parked along the street with two people emerging from it.

Blue: "Look, I'm just saying misoviridy-affected and misoviridy-exempt constructs a binary that makes me uncomfortable."

Green: "This again?"

Panel 2: Same as above, but in the background the two people are dragging the green person away.

Blue: "I just think it's a bad way to analyze the whole thing. I mean."

Green: "Sigh."

Blue: "In a way, everyone is misoviridy-affected. In really yellow lighting I've been mistaken for a green person, you know? I've been called a greenie at least once. I think."

Panel 3: Opposite view of the street, showing the open trunk of the van. The blue person continues talking as the green person they were talking to runs in to punch one of the van people in the face.

Blue: "Honestly I find it really caeruleophobic that there's supposed to be some special, green-only marginalization that- are you even listening to me?"

Panel 4: Zoom in on blue person's face, as the action implicitly continues offscreen.

Blue: "Ugh. Green people never listen. What happened to solidarity? We're supposed to be standing together."

End ID.]

Start - Previous - Next

[come-see-our-show]

How Tony being a girl affects WSS: My Queer Manifesto

When someone first mentioned this concept to me, I wasn't sure if a female Tony would work for two reasons:

We already have Anybodys as a girl who breaks gender stereotypes, which the Jets don't approve of. (I know he's a trans man in the new film but in the original film and stage he’s a woman. Still very trans-coded though!)

Would it take away from the message of the story? Does making Tony and Maria a gay couple take away their importance as an interracial couple?

In the Broadway version... not really. The 2021 film goes really in-depth about white supremacy, gentrification, and immigration. Race and identity is a key part of the new story, and it wouldn’t stand without it. Making Tony a girl in that version wouldn't work because that’s not what it’s about.

The original show doesn't go in depth, which is one of its deepest flaws. Yes, the show talks about racism, but it only used it as a placeholder for a conflict, and many Latine and Hispanic people were immigrating to the US and living in New York. West Side Story was initially called East Side Story, about a Catholic boy and a Jewish girl, but the idea was scrapped because at that time a play came out with that same plotl. West Side Story wasn't using racism to talk about racism; it was using it because they needed a modern issue involving opposing sides and violence.

WSS is very flawed. It wasn't really made for Latine people, it was made for a general audience. People who wanted to see a show about star-crossed lovers.

Well... that applies to queer people too.

Here is how I picture the story with Antonia “Tony” Wyzek:

She's still one of the boys. Riff calls her "buddy boy" and they can goof around. Tony fits in with the Jets, whereas Anybodys is an outcast. This is because girls who are "one of the guys" usually fit in because they're what men want in a woman. She likes the things you do, but she's still hot in an effortless way!  Many girls who are considered “one of the guys” have a lot of internalized misogyny because they’re appearing a certain way not for themselves, but for other people. (By the way, girls should be able to present masc, femme, or any in-between without outside judgement!)

Tony will start off being feminine, but not too feminine, because even though she left the Jets, she still cares about them and wants to present in a way that pleases other people.

At the beginning of the show, when she’s working at Doc’s, she could wear something like this:

It’s definitely feminine (the 50s were all about hourglass waists and pointy boobs?) but it’s functional. It would show that Tony feels more comfortable when not wearing skirts. A tiny peak at her self-expression without it being obvious.

The dance at the gym / Maria’s fire escape / Doc’s:

Tony doesn’t have much money, so she isn’t gonna be wearing something too glamorous. It’s girly but nondescript. The silhouette isn’t exaggerated, no frills and poofs. It’s sort of the bare minimum, how little effort she can put in while still being accepted.

This gym scene is also the first time we see Tony and Anybodys, which will show their dynamic as two queer people (because let’s face it, musical!Anybodys was super queer-coded). Tony and Anybodys have a bond because in some ways they want to be each other. Anybodys, who is authentically themself, wants to be part of a group. Tony, who has just left her group, still hasn’t found herself and is trying to find who that is. They both want what the other person has. Also, I feel like Anybodys is mostly useless in the original show, so this can give them some purpose.

At Doc’s Tony says the rumble should be a “fair fight” with only fists, which the Jets and Sharks agree on, but both go against that in the end when they bring knives to the rumble. Tony posesses stereotypically feminine qualities, such as kindness, gentleness, sincerity, and romanticism. She doesn’t belong in a gang. Having Tony be the only person wearing a dress in the scene physically shows the difference between her and her old friends.

ok but like what about maria?

While I’m specifically making Tony a lesbian, Maria’s sexuality can be less specific; she can be any time of wlw, however the hypothetical actress chooses to. In my vision, I see her as a lesbian because it would explain more why she doesn’t love Chino. Maria’s literally engaged to the guy and we barely see how she feels about it besides ambivalence and mild annoyance (which of course turns to hatred by the end). Since we’re changing the script as little as possible, it needs to be more obvious why she doesn’t love him. If Maria is played as a lesbian, you can play up the reluctance to be with him without changing the words.

The bridal shop / the rumble / Maria’s room / outside:

I think the song that would change the most is A Boy Like That/I Have a Love. Honestly, I would just swap every "boy" to "girl" and the pronouns too. Anita's problem with Tony is that she killed Bernardo; that she was apart of the white supremacist gang who hate her community. That problem in itself is related to racism and xenophobia, so Tony's gender wouldn't play a factor. I don't think Anita would care which gender Maria was attracted to, as long as they're Hispanic/Latine.

I Feel Pretty would change slightly too. Maria can’t mention Tony’s gender at all because the other girls think she’s talking about Chino. “Feel like running and dancing for joy/For I'm loved/By a pretty wonderful boy!” Can be changed to “Feel like finally taking control/For I'm loved/By a pretty wonderful soul!” Still rhymes and also changes her character a bit! You go Maria, take control! Go after what you want!

Back in the pants! Tony, now that she’s met Maria, she is awakened. She’s happier, more confident, etc etc. So she’s wearing something she feels confident in. There’s the feminine cut, but less pronounced compared to the first outfit. Not as masculine as Anybodys, but still more androgynous. This is the scene where she and Maria get to be silly and have a fake wedding, which gets serious when they kneel and vow their love for each other. This is the scene that captures their dynamic; fun, naiive, young love, but still real. It’s showcasing both of them as characters, so this outfit has to showcase who Tony truly is.

As for the rumble, that scene is also indicative if who Tony is. Someone who believes in love and wants to make peace, but will also fight for the people she loves (even if it means killing your girlfriend’s brother in a fit of rage).

The “Somewhere” sequence, in this version, would be interesting with Tony and Maria as lesbians because Somewhere is such a universal song. The lyrics are simple, but many people can relate to it; queer couples, interracial couples, interfaith couples. It doesn’t even have to be a couple. “A place for us” can be for a community. My life is nothing like Tony and Maria’s, but that song rings so true to me. During the ballet sequence, if there were different couples all dancing, it would physically show the universality of it.

When Tony is running through the streets, looking for Chino to kill her, Anybodys tries to help her, but she tells him to go away because she’s a girl (I can’t remember the exact line). This line can still stay. After falling in love with Maria, Tony naively believed that things will work out for them because she's an idealist. But it doesn't work out. When she's telling Anybodys, "You're a girl!" She's saying, "Girls like us can't get what we want. We don’t belong. It didn't work out for me and it won't work out for you."

ok that's all xo :)

[ursie]

Why do you keep calling Shatterstar gnc? He’s always been masculine? Just because he’s Bi doesn’t mean he has to be effeminate you know

Ok so I’ve gone back and fourth on how seriously I was gonna answer this so I’m sorry this took a bit to answer anyway here we go : I’m sorry if this makes no sense I’m tired

First off it’s important to remember in media what’s considered masculine and what’s not so while a lot of Star may be considered either or what’s important to remember is when him being a warrior, fighter/ect is being emphasized that’s them playing up traditional masculine characteristics and his presentation or softer moments is them playing up “feminine” characteristics (obv this is stupid but it’s also undeniably how people write characters 99% of the time)

Second off there is textual evidence he is at least viewed as gnc in universe in X Force-many comments were made about his makeup, hair (also I remember the pigtails) and general demeanor. Was it done in a ala homophobia way? Absolutely is it still canon? Yes (also so much worse now that it’s retroactively canonically homophobic as he’s literally Bi and definitely had a known thing w Julio at the time-so..way to teach him micro aggressions guys)

Now post x force in xfi he is drawn and written as far more traditionally masc, in appearance and presentation- even his body type seemed to change-as in x force he was described as acrobatic and fast, avoiding hits when he could in xfi he’s made into a brick house that just. Tanks hits-far more direct-even his fighting is made out to be more traditionally masculine

Now this could be broken down to character development (which we did not see and it’s important to note I can’t stress how ooc xfi Star is) but really it just reads as more homophobia as not only is Star aware enough of homophobia and gender roles to adapt to a more accepted persona (because the x force taught him homophobia) but also the writers at the time when he was canonically Bi went out of their way to adapt his character to both fit and avoid different stereotypes-he’s allowed to be a walking slutty Bi stereotype (which is literally so ooc) but can no longer be gnc-he’s allowed to be slutty and hit on women despite his relationship w Julio but he’s not allowed to present as anything less than “macho” in summary Star was just made palatable in all of the worst ways to straight audiences-they stereotypes they love were forced and the ones that make them uncomfortable were dropped

Later on we’re back to getting glimpses of less than traditionally “masc” only a warrior Star w him cooking for Julio and buying him a sweater in new mutants (which are not actually feminine traits but are presented as feminine/gay traits in media even lampshaded by what’s his name asking of his boyfriend bought his sweater to Julio (which he did-also another micro aggression marvel forces me to witness))

(There was that super racist x force run I didn’t read that came out around here-Star was back to being a super warrior macho macho man idk it was bad and the art was racist ignore it )

The slightly less masc Star is dropped in the Shatterstar solo where his character is p much completely retconned but also another more traditionally masc Star is pushed again w the crux of his problems w Julio being “they don’t fight enough”, the emphasizing of him still being a warrior despite how the crux of his character was trying to define himself out of that role assigned to him, there are definitely homophobic connotations to what’s her name (yes he’s Bi him having an ex who’s a girl isn’t the issue it’s the entire plot that is), and even weirder connotations with the use of his slave name/dead name as his go to name-he has only ever referred to himself as Shatterstar-that’s his name-other people either call him Shatterstar or Star-giving him a “traditionally masculine” name is certainly. A choice. There are a lot of problematic elements to the solo to unpack but the rest don’t really have to w the homophobia and forced gender roles Star seems to consistently face

Then in (new) xfi he’s gone something happened he’s on Mojoworld again he has long hair again (king) but his outfit is a wrestling one and his “masculinity” is once again emphasized with his being forced into being a warrior again just to like. Be on the island being tasked w immediately fighting Terry (I actually liked this scene but there were some choices about to consider especially about how the rest of the mutants still seem to view him)-and now we’re here where we’re right back to where we started w long hair, just left Mojoworld, definitely a warrior you can’t forget it Star. Only this time his identity isn’t up for interpretation or debate.

So long story short while Star may not be consistently gnc it was noticeable enough that once he was openly Bi they immediately started pushing for a more masculine Star and you can see the difference in characters as xforce Star and xfi Star might as well be different people. Stars ambiguous gender non conformity was enough that Marvel seems set on “fixing it” and writers are constantly walking a line in making sure he’s “not like those other gays” despite the fact that apparently he used to be. There is def canon evidence for a more gnc/less traditionally masc Star. No one is saying (but me) that he should be a Femme Bi dude they’re just saying they see him as gnc and like. Yeah he was🤷‍♀️

Also narratively him being Trans makes wayyy more sense also his people are machine made why do they even have different sexes or genders let alone follow the earths idea of it like he’s an alien., why would he care about the our perception of the sexes or gender- main point is he should be Nb and intersex but that’s another conversation

Anyway Star gnc king

Also yes just because he’s Bi doesn’t make him effeminate-he’s effeminate-not because of his sexuality - it is not his gender presentation despite how much it undoubtedly influenced it. People aren’t calling Star gnc because he’s Bi they’re calling him gnc because he used to look like this

[laundryandtaxes]

ive had ppl make the argument that butch queen & femme queen terminology in ballroom culture mean that butch and femme can't be claimed exclusively by lesbians. ik they're different terms with different definitions but i didn't know how to articulate a counter-argument that validates both ballroom & lesbian culture? any help?

Short answer is, I’d ask exactly what variety of that terminology they’re referencing when they use the terms “butch” and “femme” because they’re claiming something that has nothing to do with them.

Long answer:

1. The people making that argument are never connected to those scenes and think of them as dead scenes from which they can pull a history that is literally not theirs when those scenes are still alive and not just bargaining chips, and they are using them as a bargaining chip specifically because they want lesbians to shut up and think we’re too stupid to see through that.

2. Those terms have totally different meanings within those scenes than they do in popular self-styled radical queer communities and almost everyone involved in this conversation knows this.

3. The people using this argument as a bargaining chip are almost all very aware that what lesbians are combating is the notion that nonlesbians have an inarguable right to use lesbian terminology WHILE lesbians are written out of the list of acceptable sexual orientations in a lot of these communities, and the use of these terms to push misogynist politics about how “femme people” as a group (which many people into queer politics will tell you includes gnc cis gay men) are oppressed by “masc people” (which these same people will tell you includes butches and other gnc women) in a way that is not just outright nonsense, not only misogynist, but lesbophobic, especially because it disrespects the history of butch/femme and the autonomy of butches and femmes so deeply.

4. Most of what lesbians are uncomfortable with is the absolute ripping of both terms from any connection with lesbianism when they’re so inextricable from each other, and the absolute denial that they have any connection to lesbianism when the terms (AS USED by the kinds of scenes that do this) are so obviously taken from their specifically lesbian context.

5. I haven’t done extensive reading on it but I’d bet good money the way the terms got there is still literally from lesbians- a lot of people don’t realize most of the biggest drag and bar scenes used to just be general drag scenes before drag kings became more rare and gay and lesbian communities became more separate, wherein drag queens, drag kings, and necessarily all kinds of LGBT people (as in lesbians, gay men, bi people, trans people, all of them) would have been mingling and would have shared a lot of the same language. But it’s clear that they developed in two different ways in ball cultures/scenes and in lesbian communities/scenes, and I don’t think ball scenes are appropriating anything from lesbians in that sense- I USED to think that but, no offense @ me, I think I was just heated and that was a stupid position. It seems most likely to me that the term ended up in both scenes because there was a lot of natural mingling before they separated and they developed in both cultures differently.

That development is VERY different from people with no connection to either coming along and using “femme” as a term to denote femininity in a way that seems CLOSEST to the lesbian context- mind you, the term is usually used for people who at least vaguely see themselves as related to women even though they may not use the term “woman” because “femme” has been so wholly substituted for it, and even when used by men who are very involved in queer scenes, it usually (not always but especially among white men) has nothing to do with the way “butch” and “femme” developed in ball scenes or lesbian scenes.

6. Frankly, I very, very often see the term used by bpq women who primarily date men as a way of comparing literal men with gnc women because they’re uncomfortable with gender nonconformity, point blank, and like having a term that, for them, allows them to claim that they are marginalized specifically for NOT being gender nonconforming, and it’s deeply disrespectful. It’s a way of writing marginalization onto themselves that they literally do not face while marginalizing women who DO face stigma and marginalization for being gnc, and that’s outright appropriation. To see it coming from women whose primary issues often include not being seen as queer enough because they are dating men (all those articles on queer femmes being seen as straight are, I think, about another anxiety, because I guarantee you femmes who are out and about with their partners are not getting read as straight while they’re together at LEAST) . To be very clear, yes it is fucked up to call bi women straight, and not all bi women have the same relationship to men or the same attitudes toward lesbians and lesbianism. But for women who are not lesbians AND not gnc and don’t have all that much in common with lesbians to grab a lesbian term, USE it to marginalize women (including lesbians) who actually are gnc, and then claim that butches are oppressing them, all within the context of politics which are usually hostile to lesbians, is upsetting and frustrating and yeah it pisses a lot of lesbians off.

6. Honestly if queer cultures weren’t so generally hostile to lesbians and working so hard to erase us, I bet women would generally care a whole lot less. If we didn’t have so little left to hang onto it wouldn’t be nearly so big of a deal- not to say it isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but I’m saying the context around these things matters.

[catalogueofaliens]

WHY IT’S NOT SO SIMPLE FOR ME TO CALL MYSELF A FEMINIST

TW: trans antagonism, mainstream/white/cis feminism, assault mention, mention of police, white supremacist mention, trans exclusion, erasure, cissexism, misogyny, internalised bullshit, patriarchy

[DISCLAIMER: This is my very personal take on this and something I’m still working through. I am a 28yo, white, middle-class, able-bodied, queer, trans non-binary pretty boy with mental illness and everything I say here is coming from that perspective, drag me if I overstep. TERFS not welcome tx]

When I allowed feminism into my life I was already past 21 years old. I had resisted in that way that a lot of people do – because it was uncool, because it was misconstrued as bra-burning/man-hating (things I’ve come to enjoy a lot more about it later on – certainly things I vastly prefer to the trans exclusionary, white supremacist nature of mainstream feminism). Then I started reading Tavi Gevinson’s blog and followed her over to Rookie mag and it changed me in a way that has been fundamentally important to the shape that my life has taken, largely in that it helped me to see power in things that had been robbed of their power by a patriarchal society, and in that it helped me find queer theorists and queer people online who helped me to make sense of the shit I’d been struggling to name since I was a kid. So yeah, a lot of this has been good, but I want to talk about what was bad about it, I want to highlight the ways feminism hurt me and continues to hurt me, because feminism is not every assigned female person’s saviour, and sometimes it does very real harm that cis white women don’t see, because it is only ever empowering to them, because it is designed by them and for them.

Feminism made me believe in my femme self, which is great and continues to be empowering and important for me as a non-binary person. But, it also made me suppress my masc self. Not only that, but it made me believe my masculinity, which I now see as an important and nuanced part of who I am, was merely a product of the patriarchy, and that my enactment of particular forms of masculinity (I am not here for toxic masculinity, thanks) was in fact a reflection of my oppression and a perpetuation of that very oppression. I came to believe that the boy who lives in my head was an oppressive, patriarchal implant. I came to believe that the fact that I relate so easily to male characters in books and shows (especially gentle and/or queer male characters) was a result of them being given much more airtime and being treated as the default, not because there was something about them that felt like looking in the mirror. Now, it definitely is the case that cis (white) men are given much more airtime and are treated as the default, and maybe there’s something in that that makes them easier to relate to, and yes, they tend to be given more complex characters and stuff so there is more of a range for relating, but feminism hurt me by making me believe that was all that was going on. When I literally felt like I could see my own face in a boy on TV or when my whole body ached for the cute queer kid who was figuring himself out one painful step at a time, I wasn’t just relating to a well-drawn character, I was the character. They were me. I probably will never know myself better than when I read a character I relate to.

Mainstream feminism continues to fail me. When it takes things I deal with daily and calls them women’s issues, when it erases my identity, erases my body, when it implies that my masculinity somehow exempts me from misogyny. I do not pass as a man, I get looked up and down, scrutinised daily, I have had security laugh at me before groping my chest and crotch, I’ve had a cop brandish me by the arm and ask a fellow police officer “What is this”, I exist at an intersection of gendered oppression – I am at once a woman and a trans person in how I am received, I am rejected and objectified in one glance, and yet I have literally been told that I am trying to exempt myself from the sexism that women suffer – like being a whole non-binary trans person is me checking out of being a woman, because it was just too hard. I fucking wish I was a woman, I really do. I mean, I love myself, I love who I have been able to be, and I know that my considerable privilege has helped me to be able to be myself and to love that person, but yeah, I’d take the added privilege of being a cis woman, on top of my whiteness, middle-classness, able-bodiedness, that’d be great. Mainstream feminism hurts me by continuing to make me feel like maybe my identity, my sense of self, is just an extension of an imposed patriarchal mindset, that maybe I’m not strong enough to just be a powerful woman who relishes in her femininity. I know this is wrong, and I know that patriarchy plays a major role in making me believe this, but mainstream feminism has certainly helped it along. In a lot of ways mainstream/white/cis feminism and patriarchy have been good companions over the years. The essentialism that still persists in today’s mainstream/white/cis feminism aids partriarchy and binarism beautifully. And it really fucking hurts me and it has literally killed other trans people. The question I’m struggling with is do we continue to strive for a better feminism, or do we need to look at the possibility that the ideology is too old, too harmful to do good, and find something better? The word itself is exclusionary in its erasure of non-binary and trans masc people who also deserve to be fought for. I guess I’m just tired of having to remind even feminists who openly claim to be intersectional to remember that trans people exist, that a movement that only fights for cis women is failing really marginalised people. There are so many really important critiques of feminism and how it has historically and continually erased womxn of colour and their struggles, how it overlooks the realities of people with disabilities, of fat womxn, and so many other marginalised groups. Many many trans folx have raised the issue that cis feminism is killing us. A feminism that doesn’t recognise trans womxn as womxn can rot in hell, and a feminism that ignores that non-binary people exist can follow right behind it. But I guess I’m just at a place where I’m wondering why we cling so fast to feminism at all? Is it just because it’s there? What about intersectionalism? Or something?!

Because mainstream/white/cis feminism fails other people way worse than it fails me. It is partly to blame for attacks on trans people (particularly trans people of colour, and especially trans women/femmes of colour) and it is partly to blame for so many different forms of systemic dehumanisation that persist on a daily basis. Trans and GNC people have been showing up for cis women from day one, have put our bodies on the line to advance feminist causes, and yet we’re erased and sidelined again and again, given new ways to hate ourselves by an ideology that was designed to empower, but only if you fit the right mould – cis, white, thin, able-bodied, neurotypical, straight – viva the fucking revolution, let power pass from the hands of the white man into the hands of the white woman, because there’s no blood on there, right?

[rexylafemme]

infinite deaths lead to infinite transformations

i recognize lately that there's this lingering sense of failure & loss & sadness living in my body, existing just out of frame in my thoughts (meaning, i guess, i don't give real space, attentive space to), having specifically to do with [said in bratty, tongue-in-cheek, big big air quotes] "my identity," "my body." 

the other night i was on the phone with a dear kindred friend of many years, was responding to something she said and i said, "if i were you, that would make me feel really bad. i mean, if i were a human being, that would..." i stopped and then we both started cracking up. freudian slip. in the moment, i'm not quite sure what i meant, but it felt like i really meant it, really natural to say. not being a human being is a sense i have about myself, i think because humanness is defined by things that are fundamentally exclusive of my experience, how i see myself, how i think, how i move through the world, what my body is. also, trans people just ARE mythical creatures.

anyway, whatever. i don't "exist" technically, but i do exist actually. and also, we have always existed, we-- trans people [which i use as a really broad, inclusive term to include all of the figures who never are/were able to claim that term, all of the figures for whom it does/did not exist, all of the figures it is/was robbed from, all of the figures who it is/was rewritten out of] have always existed. we are not new.

anyway, whatever. this quieted, stifled, devastated feeling of loss/grief/sadness/failure. though i wrote an article about it, i've never actually grieved testosterone. grieved taking it, grieved what i would not have not taking it, the death of the possibility. that my decision to stop was motivated by a number of things we aren't really able to talk about with pride, gusto, ease. [who is we in this sentence, all my non-human, trans self-states (?)  strung together through this thread of my life, the life i didn't ask for but i have anyway and try to appreciate tho it seems widely the Reality i live in, am called Human or not-Human in, doesn't appreciate me often-- tho i have a lot of really amazing loving people in my life far and wide, and, yes, have fought to carve out space to be seen in, acknowledged in, appreciated in [not just for trans-ness] however fully or un-fully, however full of truths or lies.]   i'm fucking crazy-- i identify that way, probably ahead of any other thing i am other than being poor and white, i am crazy before i am trans, i am crazy before i am anything that defines what my body is bc who cares and who knows but me [tho i recognize the political importance of identifying my body as something, i guess, even when it is nothing, feels like it or i am outside of it mostly or effectively it is treated like nothing, by me, others, lovers, the state, etc], i am crazy before i am queer-- if even i am that, having always had an ambivalent relationship with that term given its evolution as this annoying and unfortunate category that recycles exclusion and problems of white supremacy, capitalism, ableism, gatekeeping, rules for how to be, who to fuck/love/be close to and how, how to look, what to wear, what to like, builds institutions whose foundations are based in all of the above, etc. how quickly we forget how poor crazy black, brown, and white people radicalized the word queer, how it became Queer, trademarked by judith butler et al, liberal arts colleges, universities, research journals and then further used to silence, reject, consume, criticize, murder-by-complicity poor crazy black, brown, and white trans and queer people. rageful yawn! [so boring, so anger-producing, so over it]. and all of this so then jill soloway can make "the best tv series of the century"  [so says a white cis old dude w/ money named sparrow to my trans coworker who gets fed up with him after he says something like 'oh your name is different than it was a few months ago, that's so interesting. no one changes their names anymore unless they're transsexuals" and then they were like "yeah that would be me." "OHHHH TRANSPARENT IS THE BEST TV SHOW OF THE CENTURY," sparrow says in response. sparrow, who said to me, as many before him have and many after will: "YOUR name is rex? YOU? it's so WEIRD, YOUUU have that name???! wow, who would've thought!" cuz being a grown-ass white man self-named after a fucking bird isn't weird at all. transparent, yay, the tv show about US, that's not really about US. and i watch it so i guess i'm probably a hypocritical asshole, but i am starving for some representation. anyway, whatever. i'm probably crazy and poor before other things because crazy and poor provides the wash over which everything else i live is experienced. crazy, poor, grieving this synthetic steroid i experienced as poison in my body and brain. this thing i can't have that i want. this toxic thing. toxic because it erodes away my vag, toxic because it could destroy my liver, toxic because continued use over time could pose all these extreme health problems, but who knows really! cuz, why would we study that?! and when we do study it, why would we focus on the multiplicity of bodies and spectrum of people who approach HRT?! toxic because i am a crazy poor person with a lot of health problems to begin with that i don’t talk about and i probably would develop all the like, weird anomalous issues that "most people just won't ever have to worry about"! [most people is... ? ]

toxic because i lost all track of how i related to myself, how i felt, or what i even wanted while i was on it. i know what i want and what i like [about what it gave me]: more hair everywhere [yay!], androgynizing body shape [awesome!], growth in my underwear [i don't really know what to call what in-betweenness is going on there, cockette i say to myself but that feels maybe too campy for general use and not sexy however fitting and hilarious. anyway, it's cool and fun!], androgynizing voice [sometimes sultry, sometimes pubescent, sometimes girly, fran fine as a man laugh, excellent]. and the goal was always androgynizing, was always becoming something else, not one thing. tiresias, venus as a boy, dionysus, whatever.

but so i am sad because i can't move forward with those things that i like. the embodiment. and embodiment for me, as a crazy poor person, is constantly difficult. am i ever even in my body, do i have one, what is it good for, why. i moved further away from a sense of even desiring "masculinity" when i started t. that was a gift, to realize my desire wasn’t about acquisition of “maleness.” i just wanted all the things i described above: the physical changes that for whatever reason signify "maleness" or "trans-maleness" and therefore told people that's what i wanted because i wanted those physical attributes. i don't wanna be a man or a trans man. man, not something that i ever felt like. boy, dude, male, maybe, some hybrid masc/femme thing, cross-human.  i definitely didn't want the head-hair loss/thinning, which happened and put me into a neurotic, severely gender-NONCONFIRMING frenzy. i can't lose my hair i can't lose my hair. call it femme vanity, i dunno or really care, a bitch isn't gonna be bald, that's it, not ok not possible not happening so that also informed my decision to stop t, tho i didn't really admit it. i won't say i didn't/don't want the "he" pronoun, sometimes. i want them all. i'm greedy and excessive and i don’t like being limited. i want to be what i am: a mix, a shapeshifter. one angle i look like one thing, one angle another. the reason people stare at me all the time: bewildered, upset, confused, looking for clear markers. staring at my crotch or into my eyes, my face, working out their assessments. judging what i'm wearing against my facial hair against my makeup against my voice against an absence of breasts against my name against my...

anyway, whatever. i am sad because i can kinda have all of those things: more hair, more androgynized body. if i try hard enough. if i have enough time and money. because i could see a nutritionist and an herbalist specializing in trans health [they exist if you can pay to see them!]. or alternately, i could DIY it, buy all the herbs in the androgynizing herb regimen i came up with through research, and i could take them every day for... forever if i wanted, or for however long i wanted to, based solely on my desire to do it. not if i wanted, if i could. but i don't have the money. and i can't. and i could do all the exercises that would androgynize my shape. if i had the time and the energy. if i could get my shit together enough. if i weren't cycling in and out of housing insecurity since i returned to nyc and even before and through my whole life. if i weren't, some days, just able to do the bare minimum for myself, if i weren't racked with body pains somedays from a combination of: the things i do to my body that are bad for it [binding], not being able to sleep, work, running around, having a sick, sensitive body, the ways i carry stress in my body and where. if i didn't have problems prioritizing myself. if i weren't afraid of the structure of my exercise and nutrition regimen evolving into eating disorder and unhealthy obsession like they have before. if i weren't crazy.

it becomes about all the things i am always failing at that i can't do much about other than be patient and accept the material/systemic/emotional limitations that frame my life. back to poor, back to crazy: why i can't move forward at the speed that i would like to with my "transition." crazy means i can't be on t without being crazier and more sleepless and more in trauma self-states. crazy means i sometimes can't live up to my own structures and routines for my own health: body, mind, spirit. poor means i can't go to the trans nutritionist, the trans herbalist, buy the herbs and have them all the time. and i'm trying so hard to get that money, to do that. or, i'm trying so hard to be okay with not having what i want, what i need. remembering it's not my fault. there's nothing i can do about it. but that's not really a consolation so much as it is another reminder of my powerlessness to shift certain realities that affect not only me, but so many other people i care about, or people i do not know, everyone who should have everything that they want and need, regardless of who they are and what they can afford materially/socially/politically.

and i am grieving for all the knowledge we have lost and is not widely accessible. because tho i may not have the evidence or may not have done all the research, i fucking know people have been "transitioning" naturally and through magic for as long as people have existed and throughout all cultural contexts, whether trans-ness has been exalted (and it has, throughout time) or demonized/criminalized/driven underground. our mythological selves.