#yes she's angry but Rhea's broken not only raging

[randomnameless]

It's so funny that edelstans will use Rhea calling Byleth worthless garbage when they choose CF as this massive point against her; what did they expect her to call someone who willingly sided with Edelgard while knowing full well that she supported a kidnapping attempt aimed at her niece, broke into a mortuary to steal her dead family members' corpses to fashion them into weapons, and ordered the deaths of everyone in that mortuary, even her fellow students, just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Eh,

I think this wording "worthless piece of garbage" is the first one that made me check the differences between the jp version and the lolcalised version (with the dub!) because I wasn't getting all the memes and references to this line, and this made me discover Rhage lol

Yes, Rhea is pretty pissed in this scene (even if Rhage sounds more pissed because Rhage) but yeah, she says this when Billy attacks the monastery.

It's not only in the holy tomb, no, it's attacking the Monastery - for... reasons? I've skimmed way too many Tru Piss fics trying to justify this choice as "uwu protecc student" when Rhea orders her death, but attacking Garreg Mach? With all of its residents, leftover students, randoms, monks, etc etc? What is Billy protecting here?

Billy, imo, here shows complete compliance/acceptance with Supreme Leader's plan, including all the things Supreme Leader did as Flamey : Remire, Emile abducting women, breaking in the monastery killing students to steal relics, Jerry's death, popping in the Holy Tomb with Jackie to, again, steal Nabatean remains + whatever Supreme Leader said in her manifesto/declaration of war, etc etc

So this really sounds like an argument about people saying Rhea BaD because... Rhea is pissed and call you names when you try to kill her and her people and trigger her PTSD :(

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Thirty-Eight

It would not stop.

“TRENT! GET OUT HERE!”

This is not what I need right now.

“What did you wake me up fo...oh...MY!”

Just go away. Go back to bed.

Though I couldn't see very well, I could tell they were near me. That I was the cause of all this commotion just made the situation that much worse.

“I'll call an ambulance.”

“No!” My voice meant to come across more assertive, a demand, but instead was an aching moan. While I continued to spill my guts, Trent continued to be unhelpful.

“If money's your concern, you're on our insurance, it should be fine...”

It stopped for now, but my breaths were heavy as I continued to make heaving motions.

“Trent, she threw up blood, I'm pretty sure that's not normal. Hun, did you eat something bad?”

I shook my head. Yes, it was true I hadn't been holding food down well lately, either, but that was such a minor detail that it didn't seem worth mentioning to them.

“You're right. Maybe she's pregnant.”

Both Juniper and I balked. “What?”

Then, Juniper added: “Don't look at me, I'm sterile.”

“Really? Now's not the time.”

Those two were ridiculous. Why did I think it was a good idea to go back to them?

“I'm not pregnant. Trent, you're an idiot.”

Juniper nodded. “How are you even a doctor?”

You know what? That's a good question.

He looked adamant, however. “I just want to cover all the bases here.”

As he walked off, Juniper crouched down and turned to me. “Hey, it's gonna be okay.”

I shook my head. “I've been sick for a while...”

“That's probably what you were trying to tell me when you said you hadn't been yourself.”

I mean, in a way, you're right.

Trent came back with some thermometer thing.

“Here, it's a pregnancy test.”

“You can't be serious,” I groaned.

I took the thing from his hand anyway and went off into the bathroom. After a few minutes, I came out, not amused by what I just did.

“There, I peed on your stupid thermometer.”

“Hm. Well, negative.” He tossed it.

“Why do you even have something like that?” Juniper questioned.

“Never know what will come in handy. There's a whole slew of medical supplies in the guest room. I still think we should at least take you to the hospital.”

“I serve no one,” I hissed.

“I mean, it's more like they're the ones who would be serving you...”

That felt wrong as well. All I wanted was to be left alone. I turned my attention to Juniper, who remained beside me.

“Can you help me up?” Hoarse, my throat was burning, torn up.

She nodded and pulled me up, then wrapped her arm around my shoulders. Nestled in, the warmth was something I could have lived with forever. I should have been more grateful, but instead...

“Take me to the couch, please.”

We walked on over to the living room and the whole way, in my weakened state, I thought of how I would have liked to take some of her blood. She may have even let me, if I asked. Ah, but it would have done nothing for me. She was no angel. In a literal sense, anyway. When we got to the couch, she laid me down and kissed me on the forehead.

“Will you be okay?”

I nodded. No, I wouldn't be okay. But what could be done other than tell her that yes, I would, and that there was no need to worry, so please, go back to bed.

So she did, and I was left to lay in the darkness, my head turned to the side. Dizziness set in, the hazy atmosphere. Everything a murky shade, blending together. Fearing the return of sickness, I closed my eyes and covered my mouth. When the feeling passed, I opened them again and noticed a glowing orb on the coffee table. It must have been the angel.

I reached my hand toward it, but it was just out of reach. Even when I tried to reach further, it was still further away. Not only that, but my arm was so slow to move at all. I was so weak. If only I could touch it, take it with in me...

I stopped myself. My eyes widened. There was no orb.

“What am I doing...” Even if there was, I thought back to what Rhea said. If I was originally meant to be some sort of vessel for this entity, then wouldn't I be doing just what they wanted?

Either a hum or a low moan escaped from me. Sleep eluded me.

Rhea, the strange cold mercenary. She said she knew where I lived. She would have no qualms targeting Juniper and Trent if it meant getting to me. For all I knew, Rhea still thought she killed me. But it was only a matter of time, wasn't it? Then, she could appear here, at any moment, take us all out...

Just being around them put them at risk.

Making canned soup was such a delicate art. Sure, there was the instructions on the can, but those were just guidelines. You weren't going to get the best results just reading off of a can. That's why instead I just dumped some water over it, sprinkled a few tofu bits, salted that bad boy up, and called it good after a few minutes.

Doing my best server impression, I tiptoed to the living room and set the bowl down on the coffee table. She was already sitting up, huddled in a blanket, and staring off into space. It was rather cute, but I suppose I'm a little biased there.

She stared down, then turned to me and croaked out a few words.

“What is this?”

“Miso soup! Your favorite!”

“When did I ever say...”

“I just figured since you're vegetarian and all I ought to make a soup without any meaty bits.”

“Why?”

Her voice sounded so scratched up, even as she tried to sound clear, it came out just a little more than a whisper.

“I always hear how soup is good for when you're sick, so...yeah!”

She stared down and stirred the bowl a bit before looking back up at me.

“I don't want it.”

“But it'll make you feel better!”

“I don't need you to make me feel better.”

“Aw, is my Vespiquen grumpy?”

“I don't even know what that is.”

“It's a --”

“I didn't say I wanted to know.”

There was nothing to worry about, it was a known fact that when people are sick, sometimes they aren't in very good moods, so that's all it was!

“Fine. I'll have a little.” Her voice came in a little more clear, and once she said those words, I gave her a smile before walking off into my workshop. There were things to build and I had a feeling the day would turn out great!

Hm. There was an effort made. I could have at least thanked her. But if I did, what good would that have done? Kindness was the opposite of what was needed.

I should have said something then and there. The more I waited, the harder it would be.

Besides you haven't even recovered.

Did I even deserve one last meal? I took another sip and smiled. Regardless of whether or not I could have called this place my home, the peaceful life I had brought me great joy that couldn't be replaced. Yet I was prepared to tear it all down.

Another sip of the miso soup. Salty broth, almost metallic. Like blood.

Vegetarian? I tried to eat someone's severed hand. I'm pretty sure human flesh can't be considered a vegetable.

It was too still in the house. Cleaned my bowl, placed it into the dishwasher. Normal, mundane things. Just what I had grown to love.

From out of the closet, I grabbed my nightgown. It was still so early in the day, but it didn't matter; that article was the only blanket I needed. Before long, it would be night, and if I had to wait too long, I would make it night, myself.

I set my glasses on the stand next to the door. There would be no need for them where I was going. I noticed a crack in one of the lenses. When did that occur?

For that matter, why haven't they broken completely? You remember what happened last night. Could it be they broke and you just manifested new ones, only to deliberately break this one? It makes sense. You are the type who enjoys breaking things.

If only I could get a better hold of my thoughts.

Just as I was about to reach for the door, Juniper walked out from her workshop and caught me in my tracks.

“Hey hun! Going out?”

I shook my head and smiled.

Come on. Don't hesitate.

“Yes, and I won't be coming back.”

“Okay! Well, have fun!”

That struck a nerve in me. Or maybe it was all part of the play.

“Did you not just hear me? I'm leaving!”

“Yeah! Oh, before you do, though, I wanna show you the bird feeder! It's finally done!”

She ran back into her workshop.

I have to break her. That's the only way I will no longer be tethered to her.

When she ran back out, she held the bird feeder in her hands.

“Okay, imagine my fingers are a little bird!” She tried to demonstrate.

“Stop...”

The mechanical mouth lowered and seeds fell out.

“Isn't it great? I'm sure the birds are gonna love this!”

“It's useless.”

“Hm?”

“Birds don't need any help eating. They can do it just fine on their own.”

“Maybe! But I think it's a fun idea! Here, lemme show you something else.”

“STOP!”

She didn't even step back into the workshop this time, she did just as I demanded and turned to me.

“Is everything okay?”

“Just let me go.”

“You can go, I just want you to be happy! If there's anything I can do, I'd be ha--”

“Don't. Even.”

“So there's nothing?”

“There has never been anything you could do because you've been the problem. You and your idiot brother.”

“Heh, yeah. He is pretty dumb.”

“No! You're supposed to call me out! Defend him!”

“But why? I know you don't really dislike him.”

“I do. You too. I could never stand either of you. I can't stand the way you try to look for a positive in anything, or so quick to forgive. Just once I'd like it if you could stand up for yourself, get angry. Anything.”

“But why would I do that?”

“Because I've kept things from you. Like how I poisoned Blanc every night when they slept, just so they would continue to forget. Or how I hurt them and took from them all so I could improve my situation.”

“Well, did you?”

“That's not the point!”

I was starting to boil over. At that moment, I was no longer sure whether or not my rage was really an act.

“I took from them,” I tried to explain. “Against their will. That wasn't a good thing. I took a sample of their blood, and then I drank it. Doesn't that disgust you at all? Doesn't that horrify you?”

“We've all done gross things here and there.”

“I killed your stalker. Just last night.”

“What matters is you're not hurt.”

“NO! Why aren't you condemning me? What do I have to tell you? How far do I have to go?” I clenched my fists. My arms were shaking. There wasn't a part of me that didn't shake.

“I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!”

“AND I JUST WANT YOU TO HATE ME!”

“FINE! I HATE YOU!”

I smiled and nodded. That was it. I opened the door.

“Thank you.”

Everything became so unclear to me.

Did her feeling so sick make her delirious? No. I couldn't chalk it up to that. Even if that were the case, it still didn't explain anything.

I wanted to sit down, lay down. Rest. Reassess with a clear head. But all I could do was stand in place.

“...Why did I say that?”

Outside of a shelter on the edge of town, I sat next to the wall and nestled my head in my knees. Night was already upon me.

“So here I am. I can already feel this face start to crack. It's been a mask, really. All I've gained is the ability to bring my true self to the surface.”

Wind brushed against me, a chill. Even in the middle of the year, the nights could grow cold. How easy it was to forget such a fact.

“Why are you here?”

I was joined by a visitor who also took shelter. Said visitor sat next to me, though I didn't feel any less alone, I entertained the company.

“This man tried to separate her from me. He stalked her under the pretense of keeping her safe, but it turned out his presence wasn't necessary.”

“What do you mean?”

“I made her tell me she hated me.”

“Why would you do something like that?”

“For the same reason he did – to keep her safe.”

“But you love her, don't you?”

“Do I? Hard to say. People mostly irritate me. There's a lot I was willing to put up with just so I could feel like I had a normal life. She provided that sense of stability and normalcy. That's all.”

“So you made her tell you she hated you? How?”

“This may sound silly, but let's just say whatever I believe will make me happy, I can make happen. If I wanted, I could have made her say anything. Or do anything. I could have made her throw something at me for added effect. But I wanted it to feel genuine. I think I am happy with the way things turned out.”

“That's rather childish of you.”

“No way, I'm plenty mature!”

“People aren't your playthings.”

I fell silent. I stared up at the night sky. So many stars. Or maybe they were all a falsehood; just the glimmer of satellites and aircrafts.

“Maybe you're right. I just couldn't think of a better way at the time.”

“Even if you felt it best to leave, you could have explained yourself. I'm sure she would have understood.”

“I just don't operate that way.”

“How do you think she's going to feel when she realizes what transpired?”

That struck me. Damn it, I really could have picked a better option. I buried my head further in my legs and began to tear up.

“I really don't want to hurt anyone...”

“Yet you felt it justified to do just that.”

I nodded. That I couldn't deny. It really wasn't fair, that I should have ever met her. It was all under bizarre circumstances and I decided after some time to forge a new identity, leave my old life behind. But I could never fully do that, either? For someone who wanted to be seen as a calm and collected adult, I sure had a habit of always looking back and thinking of the times I was younger.

My own time. Where I should have stayed, if everything had been normal. If I hadn't tried to act as a new person and instead stayed the same as that passionate teenager. Is that all I did as I got older? I didn't grow up. I just lost my passion.

What should have happened was that I should have grown up in my own time. Become an activist or go through school and become a legitimate therapist. Or a doctor. Or someone who studies poisonous plants for a living. I should have grown old, and wise.

“If you could be who you wanted to be, what would that look like?” My visitor asked.

“I'd like to be an activist. Rallying on the streets. Fighting to make the world a better place.”

“You? An activist? I thought you disliked humanity.”

“Irritated. There's a difference. Really, it's just the principle. It's good to have a goal and to fight for something, isn't it? So what's wrong with 'I want to make the world better' as a goal?”

“It's just hard to picture you in that role.”

“Believe it or not, I used to be good at raising my voice.”

If that was really what I wanted, I could have done it again. Raise my voice. But did it really spark joy to be loud just for the sake of it? I wasn't sure of the answer, so instead I thought back to a fond memory: that of a child, out in the neighborhood, playing in the snow. Having snowball fights with neighbor kids, building a snowman.

“It's snowing...”

I looked up and found that she was correct. Even in the middle of the year when a wave of heat would be more likely, if I could wish a weather anomaly, then it would happen. Little flakes of snow dropped on my head, landed in my hair, coated my robe.

“I used to love seeing the snow. It brought me joy watching the landscape covered in these sheets of frost. I would lay in the grass and make snow angels. Then, when spring came around and the snow would start to melt, to watch the sun reflect upon the grass, the melted snow turn to moisture which helped to accentuate the scenery...ah, what a beautiful sight.”

The one beside me stuck out a tongue and extended an arm.

“It's warm.”

Warmth in the snow. What an interesting thought. I looked over to see her stand up.

“So have you come to kill me?”

“I don't think it has to come to that.”

“What about that rifle next to you?”

“That's just in case it comes to that.”

I nodded. “I see...”

“I think I'm starting to get a better picture of you. Which in a sense makes you all the more dangerous.”

“How did you know I wasn't dead, anyway?”

“If you were gone, I wouldn't have felt the presence anymore. At first I thought maybe it would take some time and my tracker would no longer detect the entity. Alas, that didn't happen.”

“I see. So there's a device that can sense me.”

“Not you. What you contain.”

“Same difference.”

“So what do you say?”

“My answer is still no.”

“I would rather not kill you tonight. Maybe you will change your mind. You don't have many options.”

“I'd just like to rest.”

“I'll show some mercy. Rest.”

It continued to snow. My eyelids grew heavy. I knew I didn't deserve this respite.

Whether or not humanity was at stake, call me selfish, but she provided me the chance to feel just a little bit of warmth. I couldn't help but wonder if the snow would continue to drop as the night went on, even as she went deeper and deeper into sleep.

Asleep, she looked innocent. If only I could have seen her that way. I pointed my rifle and aimed for the head, but rather than fire, I lowered it and set it back down. Hunting a beast while they slept just wasn't very exciting. It felt wrong, just letting her sit, but it felt even more wrong to take the shot.

“What's gotten into me? I'm not one to worry about honor or mercy.”

I brought out my thermos and twisted off the lid. As I drank from it, I stared at her.

Did she really deserve such kindness?

“There you are!”

That voice. It couldn't be...

I brought myself up from the ground, my slumber interrupted by the familiar voice calling for me. Next to me sat Rhea, not having moved from her spot. She was deep in sleep.

Everything was a blur, but I could make out a figure running toward me. I managed to pick myself up and was astonished to find that she was right next to me, and tugged at my hand.

“Thank goodness I found you!”

“What? Why are you here?” It was definitely Juniper. Even if I were to have gone blind, there was the matter of her scent and voice that was unmistakable.

“I was up all night looking for you! We need to get you home!”

She dragged me along with a strength I never knew she had and I was pulled away from the shelter.

“Sorry if she bothered you, lady! My wife's been sick!”

I looked behind me and saw that Rhea was standing and watching us.

“It was no bother. I needed to keep watch over her anyway.”

I tried to pull myself away, but her grip was tight.

“Why are you doing this? I wanted to keep you away from me!”

She turned her head and smiled, “even if you want me to hate you, I still need to make sure you're well!”

“Let me go!”

“I want you to be happier!”

“I SAID LET ME GO!”

I broke free. The sound of birds flying off in the distance could be heard. My throat still hurt, even as I screamed those words. She looked unfazed.

“I'll do anything you want me to if it will make you happy!”

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Do you want us to fight? I can do that if you want!”

“She's not going to stop,” came the cold voice of Rhea. “She's become devoted to you. If you aren't in a constant state of joy, she will break herself down to serve you.”

“Why?”

Juniper reached for my hand once again, but I swerved out of the way. “Come on! When we get home, I'll make you some basil and artichoke pasta! Your favorite!”

It was like she didn't even notice what Rhea said, and she was just laser-focused on me.

“This is what makes you so dangerous. All who come in contact with you only have one purpose now: to ensure your happiness. Anything else no longer matters to them, not even their own.”

“She doesn't deserve this...”

“You didn't seem to have a problem controlling her just yesterday.”

“I did it so we could be apart! She shouldn't be here! This isn't what I wanted at all! I would be much happier if I knew she was safe and free from me!”

“Duly noted! Going back home!”

As she walked off, I was left in bewilderment. More so, fear and regret.

“It doesn't matter what your intentions were. The longer this goes on, the more will be affected until everything and everyone breaks themselves down, unable to support themselves.”

“Is there any way to reverse this?”

She shook her head. “I cannot be certain, but if you leave this world, there is a chance that she will revert to how she was before.”

I began to cough, and heave. I covered my mouth, but luckily, nothing came out this time.

“I'm sorry. I'm still...”

“I know. There's no helping it.”

“I just need more.”

“That's the problem, now isn't it? You will continue to crave more, but you won't find any more. At least not in this world. Aside from you, the entity doesn't exist here.”

“It's like it's trying to leave me. I thought I could finally live the life I wanted, but all it's doing is causing me pain...”

“The problem is that you are human.”

“What?”

“It will continue to try to work its way out of you, because the space within you is limited, and the entity is something without limits. It may be that no human can contain the creature.”

“Then I'm doomed to be in constant pain while everyone around me becomes a zombie?”

“If that's the way you want to look at it.”

My fists shook again, I felt the nerves in me begin to flare up.

“Think about all the things you can do: you can shape the world however you please. If you wished, you could make everyone enjoy their lives more.”

“If that's the case, why do you still want to kill me?”

“I said that I didn't think it needed to come to that.”

“I'm not going to join that organization!”

“They could give you your own lab, keep you stabilized. The Flashbulb consists of several of the brightest minds throughout history. If you agree,” she winced. “I'll even let you experiment on me.”

That last bit almost sounded enticing, but I stood my ground.

“You make them sound respectable.”

“Believe it or not, their goal is the betterment of humanity.”

“Are you forgetting all the wars they've orchestrated? All the deaths they've been responsible for? All the lives they've ruined, mine included?”

“Nothing happens without a reason behind it. But if you so wish, you can express your concern to them directly. I'm sure they'll value your input. With the power you have, you could reverse all the bad all in the world.”

“Then what? It won't exist anymore, but I'll still have the memory of it, the pain that comes with it.”

“Even if that's so, imagine all the lives you could save! You could bring happiness to the world!”

“Nobody deserves to be happy but me!”

I stormed off, but I saw her follow in my peripheral.

“Make up your mind! Do you think your wife should be happy, or no one?”

I turned to her. “No, I...she...”

“No wonder you're not satisfied.”

“How could you...?”

“Listen: I gave you a choice. Something I shouldn't even be doing. You hate war, but your very existence is a biological weapon. I can either try to contain you or eliminate you.”

“This isn't fair...”

“Nobody argued that it was.”

There had to be a solution that would work in my favor. Going back wouldn't work, I already knew there was nothing for me there. I wanted to live, but I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I wasn't about to let myself abandon my ideals to aid the very people I despised.

You didn't go back. You were just a visitor in an earlier time.

That's right. I wasn't living the life I should have been. If I had limitless power, then I had the power to have the life I was always meant to live.

“You said I could shape the world however I please?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“So have you decided to go to them?”

I shook my head. “No. But I thought of an option that could satisfy both parties.”

“Oh?”

I smiled and walked away. I heard her call, “what are you going to do?”

A little defensive, are we?

“In a manner of speaking, leaving this world behind.” I called back.

Then, I vanished.

Just when I thought I could understand her, I was at a loss. As I paced about, I shivered.

Oh yes, I was long overdue for a chill.

“I-I need to con...firm something...” My teeth started to chatter and I continued to shiver as I pulled out the tracker. Sure enough, the entity's presence was no longer detected. Along with that, neither was she. Whatever she did, she really was gone. Even still, I didn't feel any more at ease than I did before. Not only that, but rubbing my hands together didn't do anything to make me feel any less cold.

Not that doing so ever worked.

I found a nice bench to sit on, next to a marble building. After taking a gulp from my thermos, I received a call.

“Good job, Rhea! Shame what happened to Doug, though.”

“Real tragic.” He had it coming.

“Anyway, we don't know how you did it, but she's gone!”

“I didn't kill her...”

“Regardless, the world is saved thanks to you!”

“I didn't even end up doing anything...”

“You must have done something, and that's why we rely on you. We've wired you your money, and with that, your contract is complete.”

I let out a breathy sigh. “Thank you, but this doesn't feel right.”

“You've been in the business just how long and you're just now developing a conscience?”

“That's not it. I don't know. Call it intuition.”

“You need to chill, Rhea. Find a nice restaurant, travel somewhere, take a vacation. You've earned it.”

“I'm only ever chill. That's all I know how to be.”

“Ha! There's that humor we love so much!”

“I was being serious...”

“Anyway, we'll be in touch if we have any other assignments for you.”

The call ended.

Maybe the one on the other end was right and there was nothing to worry about. Even still, the feeling wouldn't cease.

“Just what did you do?”

The morning sun shone through my window and as much as I tried to block it out with my pillow, it was no use.

“ETNA! BREAKFAST IS READY!”

Etna...that is...right. That's my name. I sat up and yawned, still in my pajamas. I rubbed my eyes. Why did I had to stop and think what my name was for a second there?

I shrugged. The obvious answer was that I was just tired.

Down the stairs, I smelled the aroma of spinach and eggs. My parents stood there, holding each other and smiling.

“Hello, dear! We're so glad to see you up!”

“Are...you?”

Of course they were. They always were.

“Mhm! You should eat your breakfast! It was made with lots of love!”

“Thanks!” I grinned as I swooped into the nearest chair and dug in. Indeed, it was delicious. Those two always were such good cooks.

“Hey mom, dad, do either of you know what day it is?” I found myself asking, as if I fell asleep in a bad position and lost all my marbles.

“Saturday, dear!” My mom laughed. “Were you out partying last night?”

There was a good chance that I might have been...if I spent the night with my girlfriend and our friends, the most likely scenario was that we hung around a bonfire and got drunk. Was that it? Was I experiencing a hangover?

“Not that I can recall.”

“It's okay if you were! It's important to have fun!”

“Now dear,” my father began one of his usual lectures. Was it so usual? I wasn't sure, but something told me it was. “We know you're almost an adult, but you're still going to be our little girl. You can have all the fun you want, but remember you always have a home with us!”

“Right...”

My head did seem to ache a little, but maybe that was my imagination.

“This has been, like, a groovy breakfast and all, but, like, I think I need some sunshine.”

“Of course, dear! The sun is all yours!”

I ran upstairs to my bedroom first, wanting to change out of my sleepy clothes. I paused when I looked in the mirror.

“Blonde hair...”

I stroked it with one of my brushes, which just happened to be on the floor next to my mirror. Thin, long, a little stringy, but...workable. I smiled once more. Blessed to have such radiant hair.

After putting on some jeans and a blouse, I bolted downstairs and out the door. As soon as I stepped foot outside, I was met with a sky full of puffy clouds and a shimmering sun whose rays melted the snow in the grass near my feet.

“Ah, spring's approaching.”

My favorite time: when spring wasn't quite there yet, but you could notice the transformation take place.

First it was just going to be a little walk. Maybe down the street, maybe to a park, or a shopping mall. I knew the Saturday market was open, plus there was a cute thrift store around the corner as well. So many options, but instead, I went out into the fields.

There, my girlfriend's decorated van lay. One of those nifty Volkswagens, I just adored that thing! I've always thought of how magical it would have been to just leave my family and school behind and just live with her as she went out on adventures. Though deep down, I knew that was unlikely. She never drove it, the tank was always empty. It was just where she lived.

I gave a few taps on the door and she opened it up, her arms spread out in joy.

“Hey, V!”

That left me confused.

“V?” Since when did my name start with a V...

“Yeah! Volcano girl!”

Oh.

“You know I don't like that nickname!” I puffed my cheeks and scowled.

She just laughed and ruffled up my hair. I tried swatting at her, but she just laughed some more.

“Hey! You're messing it all up!”

“I can make it look better, anyway! Come on inside!”

I laughed as well. There was no way I could be mad at her, she was just too fun. After crawling through the front and into the back where her mattress lay, I sat down and let her braid my hair. Only a few minutes in, I leaned back and rested my head in her lap.

“No fair! You're going to undo all my progress!”

This time it was my turn to laugh. “Technically, it would be my progress, as I'm the one with the hair.”

Her own hair was a nice, jet black, with flowers scattered around her hair. I wasn't sure if she had put them in herself, or if she was out running around and some worked their way in.

“Oh, by the way, I decided to change my name.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I had this dream where I was a sparrow, so I decided that my name is now Sparrow.”

“Far out.”

“Yeah! Like, you should totally change your name, too!”

“But, like, what? Also, can I, like, just do that?”

She shrugged. “Why not? I just did.”

I had to think hard about this one. I wasn't even sure if I was serious. No, I wasn't serious, but I played along.

“Hm...maybe Viper?”

“Why Viper?”

“I don't know! Like, it was just the first thing that popped up.”

“I dig it! Alrighty, Viper!”

“I think I remember a bit of my dream last night, too, by the way...” I found myself saying, and sure enough, there were things that ran through my mind.

“Oh yeah? Tell me, Miss Viper.” Then she made hissing sounds.

“Well, like, I think I was older. Oh, and my hair was silver. But maybe I was just dreaming in black and white. Also, I had a wife? Is such a thing even possible?”

“Of course it is, silly! Girls have always been able to marry each other!”

“Right. I can't imagine a world where it would be illegal to marry...”

“Yeah, that's the silly thing right there!”

“Anyway, I had these powers, like a superhero? Or something. Like, they weren't nice, though. I think they were supposed to be nice, like, they were supposed to help me, because I wasn't very happy with how my life had gone, and they could make me happier, but instead I did some scary things.”

“Like what?”

I tried to think, then shrugged.

“Honestly, I can't remember. Dreams are weird like that, anyway!”

“Was she cute?”

“What?”

“Your dream wife.”

“She wasn't you...”

“That's not what I asked!” She nudged me. “Was she cute?”

“I think? Why do you ask?”

“Well, maybe, like, we could all be married to each other!”

“For real, I think she was, like, older than us.”

“Yeah, but not older than dream you!”

“Okay, but she doesn't even exist!”

“Ain't that a shame. Here I was thinking I could start a collection.”

Soon it was nightfall and I was back at home, in my own bed. There were many nights when I would spend the night with her, just gazing at the stars, but I was already exhausted and just wanted to return home. Maybe one day we would run off together, not for any dramatic reason, but just because it felt good to do. If we never did that at all, I think I would have been fine with that, too.

The next morning, I stepped foot downstairs to find my parents in the dining room playing a board game together.

“Dad? Why aren't you in the garage working on inventions?”

He looked up and smiled. “Now if I did that, I wouldn't have as much time to spend with you!”

That took me aback. “R-Right...”

“Honey,” my mother fidgeted with a pair of dice, not quite looking my way. “Would you care to join us?”

“I think...I would like that?”

I shouldn't have been confused. They've always been such kind, loving people. Always around when I needed them. Never had a bad thing to say. But it just seemed off to me, and not in a way that I could place.

“Let me just get some breakfast first. It's still morning.”

“Of course, dear. You can't be happy on an empty stomach.”

Was that really true? I didn't think it was, but I wasn't about to think too hard about it.

While I ate, my mom turned to me. “You should invite your girlfriend over!”

I spit out my food. “What? I thought you hated her.”

“Now why would I ever hate the one my daughter loves? I think it's cute that you two are together!”

I shook my head and wiped my mouth. “I'm sorry, I must be remembering things wrong.”

“I've always thought well of her!”

Yeah...she did, didn't she? Did she? I wasn't sure which was which. My head was getting dizzy. Was I remembering things from a past life? Maybe if I went out into the fields and asked a fairy for answers.

Without announcing where I was going, I slipped on some slippers and ran out the house, where the fields lay. Past the van and near a field of trees, that was where the fairies resided.

“What is going on with me?” I asked them.

In truth, they were nothing more than flies and mosquitoes buzzing around, but for all I knew, those could have also been fairies in disguise. I always did like to believe such.

One “fairy” bonked my nose and three of them buzzed around my ears. I thought I could hear them speak:

“YOU!”

“ARE!”

“HAPPY!”

I laughed. Regardless of whether or not they actually said such a thing, I was amused.

“Sure, I am!” Then I turned my head and looked down. “But then why does that make me so uncomfortable...”

There was a silence. Displeased, I brought myself back to the house.

“Did you have a nice time out, dear?” My father greeted me. Both parents were sitting on the couch, tilting to and fro, so carefree.

“Yeah, I'm just trying to come to terms with how great everything is.”

“It always has been!” My mother reassured me.

“Right, it's just thinking that something's off. Maybe it's just hard thinking there are families out there who aren't doing so well.”

“Everyone's fine! No need to worry!”

“But are they? I mean, what about those families who have lost someone because of the war?”

Dad laughed. “War? What's that?”

“If you spell it backwards, you get 'raw'!” Mom added, laughing along with him.

That was another thing. I just thought of something that didn't exist, didn't I?

“You know, the V...Vie...” I couldn't think of the name. “The thing. People go off and kill each other. They fight. I can't be making this up, can I?”

“That doesn't sound very nice! Peace is much better!”

“That's right, fighting is bad!” Dad added to mom's reply. Or did mom add to dad's reply? I could no longer tell the two apart. They were so close, they were a total blur. Their very presence brought out something in me.

“But it's what I'm used to!” I shouted.

Realizing what I said, I cupped my mouth and ran up to my room. I didn't leave the bedroom for the rest of the night, I just sat on my bed in the darkness.

When I woke up the next day and went to school, I no longer felt weird about my life and I just felt silly about the past couple days.

In class, everyone was smiling and talking amongst each other. The teacher went around and said what a beautiful world we all lived in, to which I had to agree. Then, the teacher asked what made each person happy. Before the teacher got to me, I heard a tap at the window. When I looked over, I saw Sparrow throwing rocks and gesturing me to get out there. That was my cue.

“Sorry...I think I need to go home...I just threw up some blood.”

As ridiculous as that may have sounded, it worked and the teacher excused me.

“Hot damn, you sure took your sweet time!”

“Sorry, I forgot that this is a thing we do.”

“Eh, don't sweat it. Look, the sky is beautiful today, the birds are chirping, perfect weather to ditch class and smoke some joints.”

I couldn't agree more, and next thing I knew, we were both stoned and laying across from each other in the grass.

“You know, I think I'm starting to do better. These last couple days, have been, like, funky, and not in a good way.”

“Bad mojo?”

“Yeah, I'd say so. Like, it's like, I don't know, man.”

I paused. Five minutes must have passed.

“Actually, I think there's an explanation.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like, hear me out: what if, like, there's another reality?”

“That'd be far out, miss snake.”

“So what if I'm living in two worlds?”

“Hmm...”

“It's like, one of them, may be not be totally groovy, but there are people there I might actually love.” I thought about what I just said. “Not that I don't love anyone here, but people who love me too. Like, I mean, people love me here too, don't they? But I don't know, it's different somehow.”

“I guess you just gotta decide which world you're more comfortable in.”

“Yeah...” I blew on a dandelion. “I'm happy here.”

“That's good.”

“Then again, maybe that's just how I should be.”

I sat up. Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe the effect was already starting to wear off that made me say what I said next:

“I don't think we have a future together.” After saying those words, the wind swept over my hair and brought with it a chill. “I'd like to imagine that we would have, but I have a feeling I'll grow up and find I'm not the same free spirit as you. That I'll try, but it won't bring me the same satisfaction it does now.”

“We're together right now, aren't we?”

“That's the problem: I don't know what's supposed to come next. I never got this far.”

“Well, like, it's not like you can get any further than right now?”

I sighed. “You're right.”

When I looked over to her, I saw a mannequin with all the parts detached. I looked away, not wanting to think about what I saw.

“Do you think I'm a bad person?” I asked, without facing her.

“Do bad people exist?”

I got up. “I don't even know what exists...”

The sky grew dark, something I knew shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have even been noon yet. Without thinking of who I had been spending my time with, I started walking away, headed back toward the place my parents resided.

I'm fine. This will all pass and I will enjoy this life I should have had. Wait. Should have? No, the life I have. I'll bask in the glow of everyone's love, I'll be grateful for all the peace in the world, and I'll be fine. This will pass.

Even though I told myself such things, my nerves sent the opposite message. I was shaking, my breath seemed to grow heavier.

Please stop. I couldn't ask for anything more, so let me feel good. Please.

Flares shot off within me as I entered the place that was a teenager's home and slammed the door shut.

“Hey honey, how was school?” My mom asked, dancing with dad in the living room.

“I skipped to go hang out with my girlfriend.” I didn't know why I didn't lie to them.

“Aw, isn't that lovely.”

“I'm sure your teachers are glad you're enjoying yourself!”

“Why aren't you mad?”

“We want you to live your best life.”

“Right...you don't care because you've given up on the idea of me being a good daughter.”

“Nonsense! We care a whole lot! We love you!”

I stamped my foot.

“No! No! No! No! No!”

“Is everything okay, dear?” My father chimed in. As if he had something to add. “You know we love you a whole lot!”

“NO! You don't!” Something in me must have broke. Something I no longer had control over. That, or I was in full control. “You should have, but you don't!”

“Of course we love you! That's why we exist!”

“What. Did. You. Say?”

“Why else would we be here if we weren't making you happy?”

I could feel my face turn red.

“You want to make me happy? Yell at me! Hit me! Tell me how much of a disappointment I've been! Hide yourself away!”

“We would never do something like that!”

Fed up, I lunged at them and snarled. “You would and you have!” I clawed at their faces, tore them apart.

“Is this making you happier?” I could hear one of them say.

“Shut up! Shut up about happiness!” I choked out whoever spoke. I tore at their chests. My breath was so heavy, I felt like I could breathe fire. Worst of all, I enjoyed it.

I kept going, not stopping until I couldn't hear any more from them. When I saw what I had done in my rage, my eyes widened and I looked at my hands in horror. Fresh blood covered them. I stood up, and saw that there was no blood on them. They too were a doll, and their parts were scattered on the floor.

Around the house, everything folded around me, and I closed my eyes.

When I opened, everything was black. I could tell that I was now taller, my hair silver.

“That's right,” I smiled. “This world was my creation.”

Neither past, nor present, nor future. It was meant to be a separate world where I could close myself off and I could have everything I ever wanted. But what I really wanted...

May not have ever existed.