#yes it will be a long recovery period but luckily his family is gonna be with him the whole time i prommy

[tangledinink]

Donnie's gonna have a looooong recovery period when he's unswannifed, huh?

Well. I promise he's gonna survive!

But also,,, yeah. He's gonna have a lot of work to do once he's been un-magickal-girled.

[andcallalilies]

even though, health wise, I haven’t been feeling all that great for sometime (stupid not being able to get my autoimmune meds until next June) there is one thing that I can breathe about. My doctor and I are doing everything we can to avoid major surgery right now and preserve my cervix since it’s taken a hella beating the past year and half from all the biopsies and procedures. She took a ton of biopsies my past visit. Luckily, the precancerous cells have hit a stalemate and they’re the same they were in April at my last biopsy from the previous doctor. Who I liked, generally speaking, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with having major surgery to hack at my cervix. Something felt off. And I’m glad I listened to my gut.

They more or less explained what was going on all wrong. Inside my cervix is okay enough to not merit invasive surgery. It’s the outer cervix that’s jacked. The doctors at the cancer center made assumptions on the condition of the cells, instead of doing actual tests. They assumed that since the cells on the border of my cervix were low grade and the cells near the opening of my cervix were high grade, that that meant in the cervical canal had high grade cells, too. And I needed to undergo major surgery on my cervix to remove them. Wrong.

There are cells inside my cervical canal, yes. But, not the kind that would merit the surgery the doctors at the cancer center wanted to do. My new doctor took so many biopsies and did a scraping of the inside of my cervical canal (an ECC) which confirmed exactly where the cells were, how they were progressing and what the next action is.

She spent an hour and drew diagrams, explained everything to me, went into more educational detail than they did at the cancer center. She took into consideration my age, my autoimmune disorders, etc and believes that doing the surgery was currently unnecessary, overkill, and could be more damaging than good at this point. That recovery for me would be long and painful and I’d take forever to heal due to the autoimmune disorders. And basically, that she feels it’s best to avoid that surgery until a true merit for it comes about. Other procedures and less invasive surgeries are planned, which I’m okay with.

HELL, I love this doctor. She knows so much about Sjogren’s and lupus. She also knows—and this something not even the doctors at the cancer center knew—that people with autoimmune disorders should not ever be put on hormonal birth control. Due to the high clotting probability of birth control, and people with autoimmune disorders can have a clotting factor. Which no one has tested me for. Not all people with lupus have it, but it’s fairly common. So, birth control is just totally off the table for me to help my periods and possible PCOS. So, we’re gonna work on that after my next procedure.

She literally compared all the results from all the procedures and biopsies I’ve had. She explained what each doctor did wrong and how it could be better handled without compromising my health. She even took into account the fact that I can’t get in to see the new rheumatologist until June 2018 and I’ll be without my autoimmune medication for some time and my health will be declining a lot in that period. So will my ability to handle major surgery. She explained that—and I already knew this—stress can impede the healing process, add on top of that the fact my body heals so slow due to the autoimmune stuff. She knows I’m stressed about the rheumatologist thing and she knows I’m stressed due to the harassment and stalking thing from the sociopath and minions. So, due to all those contributing factors, major surgery is just off the table until it calls for it.

Come to find out, they didn’t even do an ECC at the cancer center. Which is partially why I didn’t have hysterical pain after that visit. The fact that they didn’t do an ECC and still came to the conclusion to give me major surgery is, in my opinion, gross negligence. They wanted to give me invasive surgery without running the proper tests to merit it. And my gut was 100% right. While some people may not believe in “gut feelings”, I do. And they’ve never been wrong before.

I had a gut feeling about the surgery. I had a gut feeling about people (a whole established family) moving in with my ex and I for longer than a week or two. Even though they were my friends, I also knew them. And I knew it wouldn’t work. And I voiced that to everyone prior. That I would just hang back at my mom’s for the week or two in May they were SUPPOSE to be there. But, they pressured me and convinced me of otherwise. Which was a major red flag that they had no intention of living up to the agreement and they were gonna push themselves in for the long haul. Which was confirmed when one of them just announced one day they were staying until the end of July. Without discussion. Which just set off so many alarms, that I decided to go chill at my mom’s house. Between the clutter and the drugs, I was already uneasy, but after that announcement, I knew my home was being commandeered. So, I told my ex I was going back to my mom’s until they were gone. Which upset him. A lot. He legitimately didn’t want me to leave. But, he also didn’t have the capacity to stand up for himself, his partner and his home and ask guests to leave. Which is kind of sad, but I get it. Telling people no is hard. Especially when you care about them. And that’s who he is, a legitimately caring person. That is a pushover because of that. And lashes out at the wrong people because of his frustrations. Or doesn’t go about the proper way of acknowledging these frustrations and remedying them. It’s a pattern he himself clued me in on over the course of our relationship and things his mother discussed with me. Which sucks, but. You can’t help someone until they wanna be helped. Shrug. I just hope he knows I love him and I’m rooting for him, as I always have, and that no matter what, I’m here.

But, I got off track—the announcement of staying WAY longer than initially agreed on confirmed my gut feeling of uneasiness. And I told my ex that the next day I wanted to go to my mom’s until they were out. He was reluctant and upset but couldn’t keep me from going. And due to that, the sociopath, instead of taking their perceived “win”, decided they just had to “win” a bit harder. And that night, went completely unhinged on me. Attempted to assault me. Assaulted my dog. My therapist said that this behavior was because me going back to my mom’s until they acquired their own place and moved wasn’t enough. They had no intentions of moving from the history of their plans to move and the way they’ve never actually had their own apartment except for a few months some years ago. They’ve lived with family or taken over family homes, etc. They had no intention of leaving, not even when they said they would after they declared they were staying for two more months. That action, and the actions following that outburst, was calculated. It was a deliberate course of actions to ensure my home was no longer my home. A display of “dominance and control”. Which, I never really thought about. I knew this person was manipulative and controlling, but I figured their outbursts were more uncontrollable due to their mental illness(es). Which is something my therapist and my psychiatrist said was a wrong step on my end. I tried to empathically relate to someone who has showed no remorse, feeling or inclination of empathy or emotion. Basically, as an empathic person, I tried to relate to someone who has no conscience. A sociopath. And they told me on several times they were a sociopath. And from sharing my experiences, my knowledge and text conversations with both my therapist and my psychiatrist, they both tend to agree with this person’s (self?) diagnosis (I question self because at one point they did tell me their own psychiatrist diagnosed them as a sociopath. But, sociopaths lie, so it’s possible that never happened. Who knows.)

All I know is my progress in battling the PTSD is going well. And my doctors, all of them, have been helping so much. They’ve all helped me to understand better what happened. Helped me understand even better how the mind of a sociopath works. And how my kindness played into being targeted. And how, due to offering my home up for a crashing point, even temporarily, was the in the sociopath was looking for. And was exactly the moment their plan came into play. They played off my love and concern and I fell right into it.

Ah, well. Ya live, ya learn. And while I do love and miss my ex. While I did try everything to push that love out of my heart and look for other outlets to place those feelings—which was misguided and wrong on my end, and thankfully my therapist pointed out my behavior and I did my best to correct it. While I still firmly know my proverbial heart is with him and that it’s tearing me up inside this is what we came to, when not even two days prior, we were on track and still planning our future, etc… I put my foot down to the treatment of me and the family he and I created. I just didn’t have the forethought to see how it would play out or anticipate the further actions. I made the choice to get out of a bad and dangerous situation with dangerous people.

So, it doesn’t matter that he was the first person I ever saw a future with. It doesn’t matter that I’m still undeniably in love with him. None of that is in my control. I just gotta ride it out. And I am. I’m distracting myself with my education and my business plan. I’ve found and curated a plan for two things I can do while being sick.

Which leads me to another point. Just because I’m sick and I do spend a lot of time stuck in pain and sickness and in bed, I don’t see myself as “disabled”. And maybe that’s a bias I have from having a truly physically disabled brother with a disease much worse than my own. He’s been disabled his whole entire life. Bound to a wheelchair by age 8. So, I gotta put my autoimmune disorders and the cancerous stuff into perspective. I have a rough time, but he has and has had it tougher than I ever have or ever will have. And he still keeps faith, strength and drive to thrive, despite his condition. If he can do that with what cards he was dealt, I can too. And even though he’s had decades to get to the mental point that he’s at, I look to him and see inspiration. I look to him and see just how strong and capable the human psyche can be. And it brings me to tears sometimes. I’m not gonna wallow in the autoimmune stuff or let it beat me down. I’m going to do everything I can to work with it and despite it. My dreams aren’t totally impossible because I’m sick. They just take some finagling to work in tandem with my goals.

So, I don’t consider myself disabled. I consider myself challenged. And that mindset is something I’ve come to on my own. And my doctors are pretty stoked and proud of that. It also helps that I’m not surrounded by people who pity me. Who think I should just lie down and accept I’m sick. Or someone who has one of the same diseases I have and continually tried to influence me and how I should handle my conditions. They may want to just merely get by and look for a way to milk it, but I don’t. I want to be something. I want to create and inspire and help others. We’re only given one life, and to be completely defeated by what is wrong is just… not who I am. Yeah, it takes me some time to process bad shit and get back on my feet, but as my therapist said: it’s because I care so much and take things to my heart so hard. But, here I am. I’ve bounced back. Tenfold. As I always do.

It helps that I’ve been spending more and more time with people who lift me up. Who don’t treat me with kid gloves or delicate hands. My girlfriends cheer me on and push me, while still knowing the limits and respecting me when I say I “just can’t right now”. And, strangely enough, a guy I was kinda seeing for a month or two actually pushed me really hard. He didn’t accept my defeatism. I’d say I couldn’t do something, and he’d just give me this look and say, “come on. You can.” And he’d help me. He’s a good kid, but so not anyone I’d want to be with. And that was an experience in my life I really am thankful for. And I got a really awesome friend out of it. Which was something I rarely do. I rarely remain friends with people who I’ve been involved with. But, there’s 3. And they’re all so important to me.

So, yeah. Looooong post is long. And I’m working through it all. Documenting these feelings are important. My therapist recommended journaling all my thoughts. The good and the bad. The sadness and the happiness. And constantly reviewing them. And tell ya what, it’s really helped.

Sooooo. I’m going to hit the sack. I got some studying and work to do tomorrow. Good night.