#yes i got frustrated editing my stupid tumblr bio but my point is when other ppl say trans butch they usually mean a transmasc butch.

[kamaradka]

this might sound petty and bitter but i wish trans women or tma ppl or whatever were afforded the complexity and contradiction in their identity/the language we use to describe ourselves that transmasc butches are. like i dont take that shit for granted

i would say i am NOT transfem: because im not fem, or femme. i know so many trans women/transfems who have their own right to views of identity and personal allegiance to terms, but with ALL of them i have felt the need to explain this. to explain myself and my relationship with masculinity/butchness in ways that feel so similar to the relationships to gender that sm of my friends who identify as transmasc butches, nonbinary (afab) lesbians, or "my gender is dyke"s have.

i still get called a transfem as a lump-together term. i dont feel any allegiance to femininity. through my actions, body, and the way i speak and present myself, i find relevance and belonging in both womanhood and gay masculinity. the fact that "trans butch" doesnt mean someone like me, and that it doesn't bring the idea of someone like me to mind for most ppl in ~the community~ makes me wonder how complex and nuanced trans women's experiences are allowed to be— for our narratives to be accepted in spaces already too often made without us in mind.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Oppa Knows Best | Part 2

Word Count: 4.3k Genre: Smut, Angst Summary:  If there is anything a lot of people can agree on when it comes to college, it’s that college is about much more than just education; it’s a whole transformative experience.  The person you were before college is not the same person you will be after college, and no one knows the truth of that statement quite like you do. You just didn’t expect to change so much so fast. Chapter Plot: You go back on your promise to Jaehyun, or at least you try to, only to you find out just what he’s willing to do to stop you from sleeping around.  Warnings: This story contains a very unbalanced power dynamic between the two main characters that is unhealthy and shouldn’t be tolerated irl. If someone treats you this way irl please run. This is a fictional story and the plot is basically just a vehicle for the smut. Contains slutshaming and controlling behavior. Also the dirty talk is painfully corny and pornolike so be warned lol. Oppa kink if it wasn’t obvious. Not as edited as it should be rip me  Part 1 and the rest of my masterlist are in my bio bec tumblr is a dick

It’s been a month since your drunken tryst with Jaehyun. You never got the chance to confront him about it, not really anyway. After that chastity agreement he had roped you into, any hope you might’ve had about finally coming clean to him about your feelings was completely dashed to the ground. Unlike the fanciful dreams that dominated your hours of your sleep that night—few but seeming to stretch on forever in your dreamscape of rainbow love and fairy dust—Jaehyun wasn’t interested in a relationship with you—not romantic, not sexual. You had stood there that morning in your new room, after all your stuff had been moved there, with your face cradled between Jaehyun’s hands and his body almost flush with your own, as he sucked you into another one-sided conversation. “Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have acted out that way. I should be protecting you, not the one hurting you. Please forgive me.” He had entreated, looking glum and downtrodden, thoroughly disappointed in himself. You wanted to tell him that there was nothing to forgive—on the contrary, last night was one of the happiest moments in your life. To touch him, to be one with him, was your longest-lasting dream, and he had given you that last night. You wanted to tell him that you didn’t regret it, but you’d only be exposing yourself to the man who obviously wasn’t on the same page as you.

“I was just so angry and drunk and I tried to prove my point in a really fucked up way. I crossed a line I never dreamed of crossing. I laid my hands on you, my little angel. I hurt you.” He had almost sobbed, clearly distressed and regretful. It broke your heart, because it hurt seeing him in pain, but more so because of the reason for it. In his inconsiderate view that you’re a child and it’s wrong for him to desire you, he deprives you of your own capacity to be a sexual being and have desires of your own for him.   “When you said that thing about not coming here if you had known I would act that way… fuck, that killed me. I couldn’t sleep. It’s all I can about, that I was so stupid that I let my anger put us in danger. I would never forgive myself if I was the reason I lost you. I’m so sorry.” He leaned down even closer to you, eyes boring into your soul and breath gently fanning over your lips in what would’ve been a thrilling prelude to a fiery kiss, if it weren’t for the fact that he was crushing your hopes at ever getting a kiss from him again at this very moment. “All I ever did was for you. Please understand that.” You felt like crying. This wasn’t the fairytale confession you’ve been dreaming of. It seemed foolishly asinine now, but last night you had actually got yourself to thinking you might have a chance with your childhood love. You convinced yourself that the reason he was so riled up was because he felt the same way about you and he got so jealous he couldn’t control himself, like the Tsundere male lead of a cringey drama. But there were no hidden motives behind his protectiveness, and you were left having to continue the scene alone and pretend that the tears that were now streaming down your face were the result of his brash actions last night and not the words he said trying to take them back now as he waited breathlessly for your response, hanging his life on your next words.   “Of course, oppa. I understand.”                                   •❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• That had been the start and end of your romance with Jaehyun, a pitiful thing that died even before it was born—or so it had seemed. For a while, Jaehyun seemed truly remorseful about how he acted that night, and he was back to the old Jaehyun you knew, patient and gentle; the furious and impulsive man you had seen that night nowhere to be seen… until you drew him out of hiding, unintentionally this time. “What the hell, Jaehyun? Did you like send out a memo to all the guys on campus to stay away from me or something? You’re ridiculous!” You shout as you burst through the door, your fury preceding you to lash at the unsuspecting man sitting on the living room couch. “I didn’t. You can talk to whoever you want to.” He answers noncommittally, pretending to be oblivious to your actual meaning, but you could see the understanding in his eyes.   A couple of months had passed since then; it made you forget the fearsome side of Jaehyun that he’d shown you for the first time that night, or maybe you were gullible enough to believe you’d seen the end of it, so you innocently make the mistake of confusing his current evasiveness for guilt. But that side of him was still here, perhaps it always was, and it wasn’t guilt he was feeling.   “Stop with the bullshit, Jaehyun. You know that’s not what I meant. Did you warn people not to hook up with me?” You stand in front of him, towering over his seated form and glowering down at him with all your might. By all means, you should be the intimidating party in this situation but Jaehyun doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t even bother standing up in order to be level with you. He just glares back at you in a way that makes you feel like a student being given a timeout by their teacher. You had no doubt he’d done it, there was no other explanation as to why you suddenly couldn’t get hookup when you had no trouble finding one before, and all the guys you tried to talk to would try to get away from you as fast as possible as if you had some kind of new, highly contagious, highly incurable STD. Jaehyun is a popular guy, friends with all the guys and crushed on by all the girls. He’s a guy’s guy and the definition of boyfriend material. Not to mention that he is a member of the biggest fraternity on campus. He can be extremely intimidating when he wants to, something you had been aware of ever since you were a kid but had never experienced directly before that night; no one ever dared bully you and when Jaehyun decided that someone was bad news, they weren’t allowed near you again. In short, Jaehyun had both the motive and the means to pull something like this off. You’re not usually one to care what people think of you, but the knowledge that essentially everyone on campus now knows that you’re being cockblocked by your overbearing brother figure is fucking mortifying. “Why were you trying to hook up with someone in the first place?” His voice was calm, but of the deceptive kind, the kind where all the anger had reached a singularity, lulling you into thinking it’s not there, only for it to eat you up when you get closer. “T-that’s not the point!” You falter, somehow feeling like you’re the one who had things to answer for.  “Did you or did you not—“ “Yes, it is.” He spit out, shutting you up. “We had a deal.” “Fuck your deal. This whole thing is dumb anyway. I don’t need you to parental control me. I’m a grown woman and I want sex.” You curse at him, but it sounds insolent and whiny in your shrill and jittery voice, like a sixteen year old petulantly declaring to her dad that she’s not a child anymore. “You can have sex when you’re in a long term committed relationship.” He says with finality as if he was already done discussing this, not the least bit convinced or amused by your act. His words didn’t upset you so much as his dismissiveness of the need for your input on your own sex life had. Jaehyun was never this unreasonable. Yes, he always had strong opinions when it came to you, but he made sure to explain clearly and patiently why he thought what he thought and, almost always, that was enough to convince you that he was right. There were some instances when you weren’t completely convinced by his reasoning, but those were few and far between and he had shown you time and time again that he only wanted the best for you so you always ended up listening to him anyway. You were forever his good girl, but that was because he was a good oppa. Now he was acting more like an overbearing parent than a protective older brother, and it frustrated you. “That could be years from now. I’m horny. I need to have sex now!” “Don’t speak that way. Are you an animal that you can’t control your urges?” He hisses, and you flinch back at the clear distaste in his voice, making tears start to bubble up behind your eyelids. You were entirely out of your depth dealing with a Jaehyun that was on the offensive, let alone a Jaehyun who was looking at you like you disgusted him. Does the thought of you having sexual needs like anyone else repulse him that much? You get that you’re like a sister to him, but you’re not actually related and the fact that the man you love, and have sexual thoughts about, finds the idea of you being sexual so revolting makes you want to cry. But you can’t cry. Because then Jaehyun would try to do anything to stop you from crying, even if he has to go as far as to lie and claim that he does want you. You have a theory that if you ever come to confess your love to him, he might just pretend that he loves you too just so he wouldn’t hurt you. He’d date you, marry you, be with you forever, if that would make you happy even if it came at the cost of his own happiness. No, you’d rather face the truth than live a lie. You don’t want to cry, so you get angry. “I’ll talk however the hell I want. I’m horny and I want to be fucked. I want a dick in my pussy. I want a dick in my mouth. Hell, I’d even take a dick in my ass at this point.” “___.” He growls in warning, but you couldn’t stop now if you wanted to. “Oh, you know what? Why don’t I have all those at once. I should just go to a bar and have a group of guys gangbang me—“   “Shut up!” He bellows suddenly, making you almost jump out of your skin. You stand shaking like a leaf in front of his full wrath. Suddenly, crying doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Jaehyun would soften immediately, scooping you up in his arms and whispering sweet lies into your ear until you’re smiling again. It’s a jarring thing, him being the source of your anxiety yet the only one who can ease it. He frightens you yet you want to fall into his arms and be safe within them.   Jaehyun closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. You think he’s trying to calm himself down but when he opens them again, you’re hit with a nauseating sense of dejavu—there in his eyes is the same look he had that night, a furious ravenousness, like he could just eat you whole. The chill that shoots down your spine curiously embeds itself in your lower stomach then spreads out, leaving a warm, tingling ache in its place that you knew too well, and that Jaehyun was frequently the cause of. Maybe you were fucked up, but the dangerous air that curled and slithered around him right now swallowed all the meager defiance you had mustered within you, and dragged out the pathetic submissiveness you have towards the man in front of you by the teeth. Your eyes were glued to his, like a small animal hypnotized, and you see them going down your body as if to size you up, only to stop midway and fixate on something, his jaw clenching. Following where his gaze had settled, you realize with horror that you’ve unconsciously been rubbing your thighs together in a pitiful attempt to ease the ache burning between them. For an immeasurable amount of time, Jaehyun’s looks as if he’s in pain as conflicting emotions flit over his face, none of them readable to you which only makes you all the more distressed. Will he send you off in anger? In disgust? God, please anything but that.   All at once, his face is wiped clean, and you watch as he leans back on the couch, his frame affecting a stance of relaxation and calm that leaves you breathless and anticipating the worst. “Come here.” He orders, running a hand over one of his thighs deliberately. “Oppa?” You hesitate, not comprehending what he wanted from you, or not daring to. “Don’t make me repeat myself now, angel.” He warns, tapping his thigh impatiently. You don’t want to disobey him, yet you still hover where you are, buzzing with uncertainty and making little jerky half-movements to follow his order only to yank yourself back right away. You were scared that you were misunderstanding his intention, and even more scared that you weren’t. Suddenly, a hand wraps around your waist and yanks you down, Jaehyun propping you up where he wants you to be. Startled at the sudden drop, your body attempts to steady itself; your hands fly out to clutch at his shirt and your legs clench around his thigh that you were now straddling. Bad move, because now you could feel his toned torso underneath your palms, and your sensitive core was flush against his thick, muscular thigh.   “I’ve got you, angel.” He reassures you, but his husky voice so close to your ears only arouses you more, making you involuntarily buck your hips against him, your heat pushing down against his firm thigh and tearing a choked moan from your throat. Jaehyun stares at you, gaze calculating and trying to catch your own elusive one, “What’s the problem, angel?” “Nothing.” You bite your lip, avoiding his eyes, so he tangles a hand in your hair and tugs on it roughly, forcing you to look at him. “You will look at me when I’m talking to you. Is that understood?” His gaze is so sharp it could cut, and you can do nothing but nod meekly. That seems to appease him because he starts stroking your hair softly. But instead of being soothing, his touch burns you, building up your desire with every gentle stroke of his nails against your scalp, pleasurable but cautionary. “Now tell me.” You shake your head, scared to utter a word. You still didn’t know what he wanted. All you knew is what you wanted, and that is for him to keep touching you. There were so many ways for you to mess this up so you keep quiet. But Jaehyun didn’t like that. “It’s like you’re trying to piss me off.” He scoffs. His hands fall down to your hips and push them down, rubbing you against his thigh and making you cry out again, your hands fisting at his shirt and your eyes open wide. “Nothing, huh?” He goads you. Without intending to, you find yourself uttering out a small, “Please.” But it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted more. “What is it, angel? What do you want?” Why is he doing this to you? Is this a trick to get you to spill out your desire for him just so he could turn you away in disgust? No, Jaehyun would never hurt you like that. But that leaves only one other option… that he actually wants you. But that didn’t make any sense. He had told you himself that he regrets what he did that night. He seemed so sincere in his apologies too, much to your dismay. Yet, here he is, stone cold sober and trying to get you to tell him that you want him. Why?   Jaehyun didn’t like that you were taking this long to answer him. He props his thigh up, pushing it harder against your heat and increases his pace. “Didn’t you say something about being horny?” He prods, starting you off. Your brain starts to shut down, not caring if this was a trick or not anymore, too high off the maddening pleasure that was too little yet too much. “Yes.” You squeak, “I’m so, so horny.” “I can tell. Everyone can. Look at the way you’re dressed.” He tsks, eyeing your skimpy outfit consisting of a plunging tank top and ultra short skirt with disapproval. His hands run up your body, finger slipping under the thin straps and pulling at them, only to make them snap back against your skin, stinging you. “You might as well have gone out naked with ‘fuck me’ spray painted across your tits.” So there it is; this is what he wanted. All of this was just to make a point. You feel sick, the contents of your stomach turning over as you prepare for the ruthless rejection that is to come. But it never does. Instead, he engulfs your breasts in his large hands, kneading them over your paper-thin top. Your nipples instantly harden under his fingers and he pulls at them punishingly, but the pain and the pleasure are nothing but a dangerous cocktail to your touch deprived body, making you arch into his hands and whine. “Fuck, you’re not even wearing a bra.” He growls, pulling your tank top down under your breasts. “Didn’t we agree that you’d be a good girl? Is it too much to ask you to control yourself? Are you incapable of shutting your legs?” “I can.” You insisted, feeling his thumbs circle around your nipple teasingly and pulling away every time you try to push your breasts against his hands.   He scoffs at your answer, and pinches your nipples again. “You’re dripping on my leg.” Your eyes fly down, and sure enough, there is a big wet patch where your crotch met his thigh, your arousal having drenched through your panties and onto his sweatpants, making a mess. “You’re hopeless.”  He mutters as he leans down towards your breasts. His tongue swirls around a nipple, and you arch your back again, trying to push more of it into his mouth. He gives you what you want, but not without a price. He opens his mouth wide, engulfing your areola and sucking harshly on it, then he pulls on the nipple with his teeth, just hard enough to sting but not to actually hurt you. You whimper and moan under the assault, sharp pleasure stabbing through you as you desperately rut against his thigh trying to find some relief. “That’s right, baby girl. Hump oppa’s leg like the little slut you are.” He pops your nipple out of his mouth and starts moving to the other one, laying kisses between your breasts on his way. Taking your other nipple into his mouth, he gives it the same treatment while his fingers flick the one he just left and his hand kneads your breast. Your eyes roll back and you moan loudly, his wet, bruising kisses making you lose your mind. “Fuck, oppa, I’m wanna cum.” You cry, your hand dropping to your crotch and trying to slip underneath your shorts so you can finish yourself, but Jaehyun catches it quickly, he glaring at you. “Did you ask permission to do that?” “No oppa.” You whimper, your wrist frail in comparison to his large hand and the vice grip he has around you. “Are you so turned on by your oppa that you forgot your manners?” “I’m sorry, oppa.” You wail, “I just need to cum, please.” He regards you with cold eyes for a moment, looking displeased. Suddenly, he scoops you up and hauls you to his room. Once inside, he makes quick work of your clothes then pulls you to the floor, seating you on his lap facing his full length mirror with your back is to his chest. He pulls your legs wide apart, planting your feet on the ground and ordering you to keep them there.   “Look in the mirror.” He orders, fondling your breasts with one hand as he kisses your neck, tongue darting out to lick a trail down your neck. His other hand travels down to your pussy, fingers skimming over your slit teasingly. You screw your eyes shut and shake your head, embarrassed to see yourself so exposed, especially when he himself was still fully clothed. Jaehyun bites down on your neck and gives your breast a punishing squeeze, growling at you, “I said look.”   When you open your eyes, the sight of yourself reflected in the mirror flushes your face with a red, bursting heat that spreads down your neck and over chest. “Do you see what you look like?” Jaehyun breathes in your ear, his fingers spreading your pussy lips wide open. “You look like a whore, cheap and easy. This is how everyone sees you when you insist on going out dressed like that, searching for a dick to sit on. Is this what you want?” You shake your head vehemently, and answer in a small voice. “No.” “Then why do you insist on being a whore?” He snarls, frustrated. “I’m just horny.” You mouth, sound barely leaving your mouth. “Then you come to me. I said I’d take care of you, didn’t I?” His fingers swirl around your clit, making you dizzy, and murmurs into your hair like a promise. “Always.” When he starts rubbing the pads of his fingers firmly and incessantly against your clit and sucking bruises onto your neck, your minds fogs over, causing you blurt to out, “But you’re not my boyfriend.” “Hmm, so what?” He spits out and suddenly plunges two of his fingers into your dripping hole. Startled by the sudden stretch, your legs spasm, trying to close shut, but Jaehyun hooks his ankles over yours and keeps you spread wide. “You said I shouldn’t have sex with anyone who isn’t my boyfriend.”   “I said you shouldn’t fuck around. But you’re a woman now and you have needs like you said. I can help you take care of that and protect you from what’s out there. I can keep you safe until he comes.” He cajoles, kissing the sensitive skin under your ear and curling his fingers inside of you. “Do you want that, baby?” “Yes,” Later, you’d try to tell yourself that the word that came out of you so readily was a mere reaction to his fingers finding that sweet spot inside of you, but it would be useless. “That means keeping your legs shut around everyone but oppa. Think you can do that?” He dumbs it down for you. “Yes, oppa.” Your voice quivers as you feel your high building up. Pumping his fingers faster in and out of you, he angles it just right to hit that sweet spot every time. The pleasure inside you was reaching critical mass; you just needed a trigger, which he grants you when he turns your head back towards him, humming a ‘good girl’ against your lips then kissing you. You pant and moan against his mouth as you climax, making it easy for him to push his tongue inside your mouth. When you instinctively wrap your lips around his tongue and suck lightly, you’re rewarded with the sexiest moan that has ever graced your ears. You never want this to stop, and he’s kind enough to stay like that for a few minutes, fingers wedged deep in your pussy and his mouth and tongue locked with your own in a messy makeout session. Eventually though, Jaehyun slips his fingers out of you and presses a last peck against your saliva coated lips before pulling back to look at you, eyes clouded over and lids drooping. “You’ll be good, won’t you, angel?” He implores you in his sweet husky voice, and how can anyone expect you to say no?   “I will.” He smiles at you, not a toothy smile but still warm and happy and it makes your heart swell. Heart bursting at the seams and eager to please him more, you turn around in his embrace and direct your attention to his hard length that’s been poking against your back for some time now, intending to return the favor. But when you reach out for it, his hand shoots out to stop you and the smile falls from his face. You feel uneasy at the sudden change in his demeanor, but you courageously power though anyway. “Let me take care of you too, oppa.” “There is no need. I can take care of it myself.” He says emotionlessly. “I know but wouldn’t it feel better if I helped you?” You croak, feeling your heart pounding erratically against your rib age. “I said no.” He barks, and you shrink back. He sighs in annoyance at your reaction and rakes a hand through his hair. “Just… I don’t need you to touch me, ok?” “Of course. It’s no problem.” You choke back your tears, “Can you, um, let go of me?” Jaehyun was still holding your wrist in his hand, staring at you and looking as if he doesn’t have any intention of releasing you soon. You know he can see the tears brimming in your eyes, and you start preparing yourself mentally for the forced coddling that is to come, knowing it will only make you feel worse. But for the first time ever, Jaehyun pretends that he doesn’t see your tears, and lets you go.                                     •❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• A/N: Is this story falling apart yet? I’m nervous, please donate some feedback to this starving artist.