#yes I feel very dignified wearing a garment with a hole in specifically so you can stick a tube up my ass

[alwaysalreadyangry]

one of the funniest things about colonoscopies — an inherently funny procedure — is that they give you these shorts with a hole in to wear and they’re called “dignity shorts”

[a-bit-too-much-of-a-zelda-fan]

LinkedUniverse Fanfic Ch. 13: Inn or Out... Maybe Just Inn

Stop! You’ve Violated the Law!

So, you’ve stumbled upon this original post for my Linked Universe fanfiction. That’s okay, it happens to everyone. As of March 2021, I’ve uploaded the entirety of this fanfic to my Archive of Our Own page. Along with finally giving the story a name–Oops! All Links: A Linked Universe Story–I made substantial edits to some of the chapters. These range from minor stylistic revisions to fixing a gaping plot hole that kinda completely broke the character conflict in the earlier chapters. I also renamed and renumbered (but not reordered) the chapters. Specifically, this is now Chapter 15: Inn or Out... Maybe Just Inn

The AO3 iterations of these chapters are the definitive versions. So, if you would like to read this fanfiction, please do so on AO3, right here. With this embedded link. Hehe. Geddit? Link?

Note: My screen name on AO3 is FrancisDuFresne. Yes, that is me. I am not plagiarizing myself.

Anyway, for posterity’s sake, the rest of the original post is below the cut.

This chapter in my @linkeduniverse fan narrative: the Links have made it Selggog. They’re pretty tired. It’s time for them to get some well-deserved rest. They’ll need to find an inn, first. Word count: 2581:

“The Town of Selggog,” Warrior let the words roll off his tongue. Well, he tried. “Selggog” doesn’t really roll off the tongue. “You think we can restock here?”

Wind looked around the town in awe. Its weathered but dignified buildings stood close to one another in tightly packed streets. The orange light of the setting sun reflected off the high windows. People bustled about on their last-minute errands. Compared to Windfall Island, it was practically a metropolis. “Yeah,” he replied. “Definitely. Look at this place!”

Time was reminded vaguely of Hyrule Castle Town. Being back in civilization was a nice change of pace. He drank in the sights and sounds and smells of the town. Some people eyed the Links warily, perhaps put on edge by nine heavily-armed young men. He supposed these people weren’t used to travelers, let alone warriors like him and his friends.

“Don’t get caught up in all of this,” Time warned the others. “We still need to be on guard.”

Four remembered the gang of thieves he encountered on one of his journeys. “Yeah,” he said. “We don’t need any pickpockets.”

“Anyone see an inn?” Sky asked with a yawn, looking for any sign of lodging.

“Not yet, sleepyhead,” Legend jested.

“We do need to restock, though,” Warrior repeated. “We need an apothecary for potions, a market for food, a fletcher for arrows… Twilight, do you need new pants?”

As he walked, Twilight glanced at his torn and bloodied pant leg. “No, I’m fine. I’ll fix them tomorrow morning.”

“Okay, what else?”

Wild spoke up hesitantly: “An armorer. I need a new shield… and probably a new sword, too.”

“A new sword? Seriously?” Legend asked, whipping around to face his companion. “What’d you do to your old one?”

“The fight with the stalfos really did a number on it.”

Warrior smacked his own forehead. ‘Maybe, if you took care of your weapons for once, they wouldn’t break so easily!”

“Yeah, come on,” Four chimed in. A blacksmith himself, it always bugged him when he saw how Wild treated his weapons.

Time sighed. Yet again, he needed to stop their bickering. “Lay off him,” he snapped. “Four, take a look at his sword in the morning and decide if he needs a new one.”

The one-eyed hero took a deep breath. “What we need to do right now is find an inn. No stores will be open at this hour.”

They turned a corner. As if on cue, they spotted a sign swinging from above a building’s door. A crescent moon was painted on the worn, wooden surface. Behind it, they could see the last sliver of sun creep behind the rooftops. Stars began popping into sight above them in the twilit sky. “Talk about good timing,” Wind said, stretching his arms upward. “I’m just about ready to collapse.”

The nine companions reached the inn’s door and opened it. A bell chimed as it swung open. The heroes filed in. The place had a cozy feel to it. To one side, several cushioned chairs were arranged around the crackling fireplace. On the other, high tables and stools stood near a bar. A stairwell was set in the far wall. The reception desk was ahead of them.

A portly, balding, middle-aged man sat behind the desk. He had clearly been nodding off, by the way he jolted when the bell rang. That, and the line of drool rolling down his chin; he quickly ran his sleeve across his face. Like the townsfolk outside, he gave the heroes a wary look. From the bloody slash in Twilight’s pant leg to the halberd on Wild’s back, they weren’t exactly dressed to the nines.

The man stood up from his stool and took a few seconds to look the Links up and down. “Welcome to the Black Pot & Kettle Inn. Can I help you?” he asked apprehensively.

Time stepped forward. The man stepped back. Spending so much time around Malon and his other selves made him forget how intimidating he could appear. Most folks weren’t accustomed to seeing people with one eye, never mind one with strange markings on his face, wearing armor, and carrying a massive sword on his back. He had to work to dispel that impression.

“We would like lodgings for the night, please,” Time said.

The man, who they reckoned must be the innkeeper, shot Time an incredulous look. “You fellas got the cash for this many of you?”

“Yes,” Time asserted. Firm yet gentle. “We’ll only need three rooms.”

He looked back to his companions, who nodded their assent. He turned to face the innkeeper, who was reaching under his desk. Time just barely caught the man muttering under his breath, “psh, only three rooms.” After a jingling of metal, the innkeeper stood up and held out three room keys. “Can I have a name for these?”

“Link.”

“Huh. Odd name for a… warrior… such as yourself.”

The man’s skepticism escaped none of them. If only he knew who they really were, they all mused. He likely noticed the indignance on all their faces, because he lowered the sarcastic tone as he said “Okay, Mister Link. That’ll be three hundred rupees.”

A few of them had to suppress gasps. That was a hefty price for just one night. Thinking quickly, Hyrule stepped up next to Time. He placed a forearm on the desk and stared down the innkeeper. “You know, sir, we don’t have to stay here,” he said, jerking his thumb toward the door. “I’m sure Selggog has plenty other fine inns that would love our business.”

The innkeeper’s demeanor changed immediately. “Yes,” he agreed, “yes, I’m sure they would. How does… two hundred fifty rupees sound?”

Hyrule wasn’t about to settle. “One hundred.”

Sky leaned over to Hyrule and whispered: “Don’t push it.” Hyrule shook his head.

“One hundred?!” The man exclaimed. “Do I look like a fool to you?”

Hyrule had to suppress the urge to answer truthfully.

The innkeeper caved a bit. “Fine, fine, you’re a tough customer. Two hundred.”

“One-fifty,” Hyrule pressed, maintaining his stony glare. “Final.”

The innkeeper considered this. Hyrule could practically see the gears cranking in his balding head. After a moment, the innkeeper sighed. “Alright, kid. One-fifty, but only cause I’m in a good mood.”

The Links hadn’t expected to get a cheaper price that easily. Hyrule grinned as he reached into his pouch and pulled out his wallet. He withdrew three purple rupees and placed them on the desk. The innkeeper’s eyes lit up. Losing half of his sale didn’t seem to bother him anymore. He swept the rupees into one hand and held out the keys in the other. Hyrule took them.

“Upstairs, last three on the left,” the innkeeper instructed, crossing his arms. “Bath is at the end of the hall.” He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t make a mess.”

Time stepped by Hyrule and held out his hand. The innkeeper eyed it suspiciously, then shook it. “Thank you for your hospitality,” Time said, “and your generosity.”

The innkeeper gave an indiscriminate grunt. The Links turned and headed up the stairs. The stairwell turned direction at a landing midway up, then led to the second floor. Oil lamps set above the doors lit a long hall with a threadbare rug running the length of it. The heroes walked to the end and looked about themselves.

“How should we split?” Four asked.

“Come on,” Legend said, “you of all people should know how to split.”

This got a few stifled snickers. “Very funny,” he shot back. “But seriously.”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?” Twilight pointed out. “We’ll go by height.”

After a moment trying to figure out the order, Legend passed the keys around. They uttered goodnights to each other. Twilight unlocked one door and walked in. Time and Warrior followed. Wind, Four, and Legend did the same, as did Wild, Sky, and Hyrule. The rooms were like the rest of the Black Pot & Kettle Inn: cozy and inviting, if not a bit worse for the wear. Three beds with clean linens ran flush against one long wall. A desk, chair, and dresser were by the other. A mirror hung above the dresser, and a small, open window was set in the far wall.

In one room, the heroes began undressing from their battle garments. As Sky unhooked his sailcloth from around his neck, he looked over to Hyrule. He hadn’t expected a show like that from a humble traveler like him. “Hey,” Sky said, “that was pretty gutsy back there.”

“Ah, well…” Hyrule replied. “Three hundred seemed high, so I wanted to get it down.”

Sky cocked an eyebrow. “Wait, so if you don’t like the price of something, you just ask for it for cheaper?”

“Basically,” Hyrule said with a shrug. “People in my Hyrule charge whatever they want for everything, so I had to learn to haggle to get cheap prices.”

Wild propped his halberd against one corner. He paused, looking back on his own adventure. “That’s odd. Where I’m from, it’s as if there’s a price-guide everyone agreed to. Everything’s always the same.” He remembered how much Yiga assassins charged for bananas. “Well, most of it anyway.”

Something clicked in Sky’s head. He suddenly stopped undoing his baldric. “Wait…” he said slowly, “so when Beedle kept jacking up his prices, I didn’t have to pay them?”

“Beedle?” Wild asked. “You can’t mean the merchant, can you? The one who likes bugs?”

“I… yeah, I guess,” Sky said, scratching his head. “How can we know the same person?”

Wild thought about it for a moment. He let down his hair. “Aren’t you supposed to live thousands of years before me?”

“I think so.”

Taking off his boots, Wild looked up to his friends. Sky looked as confused as he felt. “That’s really weird.”

Hyrule slid his power bracelet off his wrist. “Wait, did you say this Beedle guy jacked his prices?”

Sky laughed. “Did he ever! I swear, he nearly drove me bankrupt. Something could be a hundred rupees one day, then be a thousand the next.”

“Seriously?” Hyrule asked. “You never tried to haggle?”

With a shrug, Sky undid his belt, then pulled his tunic and chainmail off over his head. “I didn’t really think that was an option,” he admitted.

“Well,” Wild said, unwrapping the patterned cloth from his forearms, “we can use that extra hundred rupees to buy more provisions. After this knucklehead here”—he jerked his head towards Hyrule—“got himself hurt, we’re out of potions.”

“I’m net even, then,” Hyrule said. “I used the last of the potions, and I saved us the money we need to buy more.”

Sky chuckled. “He’s got you there. You’re one to talk, too. It’ll be more than a hundred to replace that shield.”

Wild looked over the dented Stalfos shield lying next to his other weapons and sighed. “Yeah. That thing is awful.”

“Ha, I thought you were able to use any weapon you come across,” Hyrule joked, his voice muffled as he took off his tunic.

The young knight shot him a look. “It was designed for a skeleton. There’s practically no room for my arm. It’s also weighted all wrong.”

“Riiight.” Hyrule’s voice was tinged with sarcasm.

Just then, they heard a loud rumbling. Sky and Hyrule stood and were reaching for their swords when Wild waved at them dismissively. “Calm down,” he said. “I’m just hungry.”

Sky and Hyrule looked at each other and started laughing. Now that they were thinking about it, they realized they were starving, too. Wild reached into his pouch and pulled out a few strips venison jerky he made the previous week. He put one between his teeth and held the rest to his friends. Hyrule grabbed a couple and thanked him.

Sky shook his head. “I’m good, thanks.”

Wild raised an eyebrow, shrugged, then ripped some jerky off with his teeth and started eating. The people of Skyloft didn’t keep livestock, so their newest knight wasn’t comfortable hunting and eating meat. Survivalists like Wild and Hyrule were puzzled by this but stopped pressing him after a few days.

Even so, Hylia’s chosen hero was still hungry. “Do we still have any more of that soup?” he asked.

Swallowing his mouthful, Wild reached back into his bag. “Let me see… uh… hm… oh!”

He pulled out a corked bottle filled with soup. Twilight had shared this recipe with Wild a while back. He said it was the best soup he had ever had in his life. When Wild finally got around to making it, Sky requested that they leave the fish out. It was tempting to eat all of it then, but they had the sense to put a few bottles away. Wild handed him the bottle.

Sky uncorked it and took a swig of the cold soup. It was better hot, but still tasty and hearty nonetheless. He wiped his mouth and looked from Hyrule to Wild. It was only just after sundown, but they looked as exhausted as he felt. “Hey,” he said.

“Hm?” Hyrule grunted, mouth full of jerky.

“Let’s get some rest. Something tells me Time is going to wake us up early.” He sighed. “Again.”

Wild and Hyrule each nodded. The three of them finished undressing, crawled under their sheets, and—after Hyrule extinguished the oil lamp on the wall—shut their eyes to welcome sleep. A few minutes passed before a whisper pierced the darkness. “You guys good after today?” Sky asked.

“Yep,” Wild whispered back.

“…Yeah,” Hyrule replied. A moment’s pause, then “But what about the others?”

After a few seconds of silence, Sky spoke up. “I dunno. Twi looked pretty shaken.”

“Dark Link seriously messed with him,” Wild pointed out. “Those corpses he made Twi see…”

“And Time…” Hyrule breathed. “You guys weren’t there when he put on that mask. It was awful.”

Something clicked in Sky’s mind. “Was that him screaming?”

“Mhm. He was in so much pain. I can’t help but feel it was my fault. He did it to save me.”

Wild rolled onto his side and looked at Hyrule. The dim moonlight showed the guilt on his face. “Don’t. I was in that position once, so I know that he would do anything he needed to to save his friends. It’s on him, not you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t let this haunt you. It’s not worth it.”

Hyrule let these words sink in. It was a weight off his chest, but he still had an inkling of that guilty feeling. Sky reflected on his own adventure, how Hylia used him and his love for Zelda so he would willingly run headfirst into unfathomable danger. This courage and love ran through every Link’s blood, he reckoned. “We’ve all been there,” he whispered, “and if I’m on the mark, we wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The Link who felt the least like a hero out of the nine looked up at the dark ceiling. “Yeah.” He closed his eyes. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.”

No more words were spoken that night. The three of them fell asleep in a few minutes, as did the six of them in the other rooms. After everything they had been through the past two days, just feeling a soft bed under them was enough to knock them out. The thought running through all of their minds was the same: It’s about damn time.