#yeah....maybe I'm going to be able to articulate my thought on this more properly one day

[eastofedean]

sometimes, I think about how early seasons dean thought he wanted to be like his father just to realize that he was, in fact, just like his mother

[apocketfullofstones]

The Mandalorian s3 e1 & 2 Review

Just some articulated thoughts about chapters 17 and 18 because I have opinions.

Spoiler Alert!!!

The first two episodes of The Mandalorian season 3 have both been a flop so far. First off, episode one just carried on from where Boba Fett's show left off with absolutely no explanation as to why or how Grogu is back with Din for the viewers who maybe didn't watch TBoBF, which is fucking annoying because it forces people to watch something they might not have been interested in in the first place.

Secondly, they should have of built up to Din going to Mandalore and getting some character development where he realizes that there is more to his life than just blindly following his covert's beliefs. And that life-altering epiphany along with his reunion with Grogu, learning how to properly wield the dark saber, and reaching the planet that was razed to the ground (depending on his decision on whether or not to rejoin the covert) should've been the overarching storyline. Instead we get to start off episode two with Din arriving at the desolate planet with Grogu in tow.

And don't even get me started on the sudden inclusion of Bo-Katan as Din's trusty sidekick. You know, the woman who joined an extremist group that was pretty open about their plan to assassinate the ruler of Mandalor -which was her sister at the time- just because they didn't like that she was a pacifist. The very same woman who wants the dark saber, not because she's selflessly trying to rebuild her people, their home, and their culture, but because she's selfishly after power. The woman who would happily slit Din's throat in a heartbeat if it meant that she could have the dark saber. That Bo-Katan? Yeah, okay. Needless to say, I'm finding the "new best friend" Bo-Katan storyline a hard pill to swallow.

Also can we acknowledge that Din falling like he did while bathing in the living waters was fucking dumb. I tried to rationalize it, giving him the benefit of the doubt by writing it off as him just being woozy from blood loss and not noticing the drop off. But even then, that doesn't explain why he plummeted so far, so ridiculously fast. It's because his armor is heavy!!! I can hear you typing furiously. But, you're wrong. We've seen in the previous season that the armor that Din wears is not actually that heavy. Like on the ship in s2e3 "The Heiress" he dives into the water and then is able to swim to the surface, treading water and holding onto the bars. The point is, he didn't sink. And he should have immediately went straight to the bottom of the hold after diving into the water if we were to believe that the beskar is really that heavy. Basically what I'm trying to say is that they are already retconning shit they've established just to hit these lame story beats instead of just writing the scene in a way that is loyal to the rules they've set in previous seasons and it's only the third season.

I fear that it can only get worse from here.

Oh! And I recently watched a short on YouTube that put some things into perspective about the choices that were made regarding the entire show. Apparently seasons 1 and 2 were filmed pretty much back-to-back, so while s1 was just airing, they were already well into shooting s2. So that means that the showrunners had no idea how big Grogu was going to get, which is why he was always handed off to someone else or left on the ship/in the pram and had very limited screentime in both season 1 and 2. It also explains the horribly rushed reunion because it is my belief that it was the writers original intention to write Grogu off the show at the end of season 2 by sending him away with Luke (and they would only bring him back as a cameo or something along those lines).

But with "Baby Yoda's" sudden internet popularity, they had to basically abandon their initial goal in order to keep their tiny, adorable cash cow (affectionate). If this theory of mine were true, it would also explain why Grogu's inclusion in s3 so far has been a bit awkward, like the writers aren't quite sure what to do with him and they just wrote him into scenes simply for him to be there. Because to me it felt like Bo-Katan was supposed to have accompanied Din to Mandalore from the jump, but then they had to change the script so that Grogu could do something other than just sit in his pram and look cute the entire time (like going to fetch Bo-Katan when Din is put out of commission). That would also make the pacing issues of episode 2 make sense cause it definitely took a while for Grogu to fly to Bo-Katan's castle (I doubt that she was less then an hour away) and the villain just so happened to wait to start up the machine to drain Din of blood until Grogu made the trip there and back? Yeah, no.

Also, I refuse to believe that Grogu couldn't help Din escape with his "force powers" at this point (take for example his feats in TBoBF), so him not even really trying was just a poorly disguised plot device to get Bo-Katan involved. And the minute that the audience notices that the plot is driving the characters, and not the other way around, the cracks start to become visible, breaking the immersion and making the show unenjoyable to watch because then fans (like me) are just gonna start picking apart everything that's wrong with the story.

[darthkote]

Okay I know I'm breaking from the blog rn but I couldn't ignore this. I have been trying to confirm the theory that Jango is nd to myself for a hot minute! Just a really long tangent and some of the thoughts I haven't been able to articulate yet:

Jango clearly follows his own moral code, and he has a strong sense of justice... Oh, and don't get me started on him needing a clone of himself to feel whole, seen, validated... I do appreciate this idea of him being AuDHD bc impulse control is at zilch and he's always chasing novelty for that dopamine hit.. definitely gotta read more comics and books to see more of Jango but yeah, I do often think about how his neurodivergence would definitely impact the other Clones.

Nature and nurture both play a part; so despite the fact they all have the same genetic makeup, the environment in which they are raised will have an effect on how or if each clone will present traits of these neurodivergences... And yes, they were all raised and trained on Kamino, but their individuality (responses to certain stimuli, rejection, etc) will differ.

Immediately, my mind goes to Hardcase, who clearly has more difficulty controlling his impulses than many of his brothers. Because of Jango's genetic makeup, Hardcase was already predisposed to these traits. Something in his time as a cadet exacerbated his desire for dopamine, his spontaneous behavior... Maybe getting caught out while doing something he wasn't supposed to. He found that he enjoyed the rush, thus compelling him to continue chasing that feeling in other ways - speaking when not supposed to (imagine him whispering to his brothers in the middle of the night, long after they're all supposed to be asleep), going into places he shouldn't... Lots of self-gratification. Things like that.

Oh oh oh!!! And don't get me started on how the Kaminoans were definitely forcing the clones to mask and generally hide their divergences... Maybe that's why I fucking despise that mf Bric 🙂 Cutup... They tried to put his fire out and it makes me livid just thinking about it.

+ the Batch being less used to/expected to mask because of their purposeful "defects" - YES. They wear their personalities on their sleeves with no fear of repercussion because... Well, the Kaminoans find it serves a purpose. The other Clones, though? Fuck em. Which probably sends mixed signals to the regs - are they even really all that different from CF99, or are they just forced to hide the things that make them more themselves? ... (Ignoring their enhanced physical abilities..)

This also makes me understand more when there's a little tension between CF99 and the regs. They've been socialized so differently, and I'm sure the rest of the Clones feel a little on edge when they see a fellow Clone just.. being themself. Oh, and internalized ableism probably makes them see any signs of nd as "wrong" 😔 - ofc each reg will be different!! Some don't mask hardly at all, and they are a bit intrigued by CF99.

Think about Domino Squad. There would definitely have been an air of admiration there..

++ they almost got decommissioned on account of their not falling into line with what everyone else wanted - the Kaminoans, the Jedi, the bounty hunters, Sidious.... The real fucking issue there is that they weren't properly encouraged to just be themselves, embrace the differences of each squadmate, to believe they could function as a team. 99 told Hevy that he was the leader, to lean into the things that made him himself - and that this would encourage the others to do the same. If it weren't for a fellow CLONE (and a defective one at that) they'd have been neglected and turned into janitors - cleaning after their makers.

Anyway, the point is that the line between defective/reg is blurred when we see this squad.... The division is built by the Kaminoans, the Republic - the systems in which they exist.

And as I write this, I'm thinking about how the Clones - for some reason - were just.. Too Much for the rest of the galaxy to accept. I never knew why but.. their overwhelming neurodivergence probably made a lot of people uncomfortable. They didn't act the way people wanted, didn't conform.. many weren't sure whether or not to give them rights because they didn't act the way "normal" people would. Many struggled to see their humanity despite the fact they're some of the most genuine people.

I will definitely not stop talking about this. I find it sooo interesting, and I'll probably definitely headcanon some of the Clones to have OCD bc I need to feel validated through my special interest lmao + there's a very high comorbidity rate of ASD and OCD, so it's just logical that some would be plagued by rituals and obsessions. Fox'ika.... I'm looking right into your beautiful eyes.

The Clones, in my eyes, represent the spectrum itself. None are exactly the same. Some go together and have the same traits but.. they're all unique and blatantly individual. <3

Autism

[hersweetrevenge]

Annabel!!! ~

I'm here to drop that ask. Go ham about Bo and Vinny's relationship pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?🥺🙏

(and some Lester if you think of anything!!!!!)

oh erika you do indulge me !! 💖 this is going to get long and rambling and there's no way its going to be as articulate as it sound in my head, but i will never pass up an opportunity to talk about bo and vincent and their terrible sibling relationship.

this will be part timeline development, part headcanons, part something something "they need each other to survive"

i have less detailed thoughts about lester, and by my own admission i unfairly leave him out of a lot of what i write (over on @writing-good-vibes) just because i find it harder to figure out what his dynamic would be within the household.

(also i just want to add a small content warning. trudy and victor were not good parents and it was the 1970s, a lot of the in-universe attitudes towards bo and vincent that i'm going to mention aren't super nice. also, i am not an expert, so although i'm going to be talking about what likely was said about them in the 70s vs what we as audience can infer about them, none of this is conclusive and some of it isn't my place to start labelling or assuming, so i'll add link to a few other posts made by people that know way more than i do)

first things first, i've said it once and i'll say it again: bo needs vincent more than vincent needs bo !!

childhood

ever since they were kids, its been "bo and vincent". or "the twins". as much as i think trudy and victor instilled a heavy sense of competition between them (the whole "why can't you be more like your brother?" thing), i think on a day to day basis, it would be way easier to just lump them together and treat them as a joint package. people ask "How are the twins?" or "are the twins coming to so-and-so's birthday?" or "where have the twins got to?"

their "twin identity" is definitely effected by their looks. bo looks how vincent was "meant to", while vincent looks how bo feels. i can't imagine how it would be for vincent seeing bo all the time and thinking that is what he could have looked like, if he was the "main" twin. there's probably a lot of jealousy there that was fostered very early on, and their parents probably (definitely) didn't help with that.

being conjoined and self-soothing

their co-dependency began very early. in the womb, you might even say. they were probably separated because it was a low-risk surgery (this post explains in much better detail about how/why they would have been separated) although they obviously don't remember anything about their time being conjoined, i think it effected their ability to self-soothe. even after being separated it isn't that uncommon, especially in the 70s, to keep twins together in a crib and given that they we used to sleeping next to each other, i don't see why that wouldn't have continued. they're used to having the other twin close by. anyway, where was i going with this? oh yeah, i really think bo and vincent are terrible at self-soothing. they never needed too, as babies they had each other, so if one cried, the other one was there before anyone else. this is why, as they get older, neither has the ability to self-soothe, they aren't able to ground themselves properly. ironically they are very good at comforting others, but on the flip side they need someone (usually the other twin as their is literally no one else around) to be able to regulate their emotions.

my second ever sinclair twins fic was about how when bo is, essentially, disassociating, he needs time with vincent to soothe him. needs familiarity and comfort more than anything. this isn't a super frequent thing, maybe once a month one of them will have a bad spell and they'll sleep in the same bed. it's more difficult now they're adults, but they've been doing it since they were children (not going to think about them falling asleep together after one of bo's meltdowns and his wrists are still rubbed raw from the restraints) and they're not going to give it up any time soon. they usually don't talk about it because although deep down they both know how much they need the other, they don't really ever vocalise it. it's part of their bond, they don't actually talk, they just know.

unless, of course, they get into an argument and bo is quick to be as hurtful as possible, with vincent being just as cutting. honestly vince can hurt bo way more, because bo is nothing if not insecure.

neurodivergence

their early development definitely contributed to how they were both pegged against one another whilst also both being kind of written off as "defective" (an awful word but in the early 70s, a middle-class family having two, very young "problem children"? trudy and victor were probably thinking they'd got the short straw)

i think bo was the first to show signs of possible "behavioural problems. his "tantrums" were in all likelihood probably emotional meltdowns, which already singled him out as the "bad" twin, while vincent was considered the "good" twin.

i've talked before about how i think bo started speaking very late (me and @imbleedin-out have talked about him being being selectively mute). vincent is obviously also nonverbal, and i think a lot of the twins early binding was solidified in their communication. their twin talk (scientifically known as cryptophasia, apparently) lasted throughout their childhood and they still do it as adults. a mix of vocalisations and made up signs, as well as just certain looks, and they can understand each other as much as if they were speaking english.

despite being the favourite, i don't think vincent was treated perfectly either. both he and bo are neurodivergent and with vincent's physical limitations on top of that, he was probably under pressure to perform "better" (behaviourally and artistically(?)) to "make up" for his appearance.

(@aggravatetheaxe made an excellent post about this which i cannot find rn but will link as soon as i do) bo is the king of masking. he takes on the demeanour and attitude of whoever he is speaking to in order to appear more approachable or "normal". the only person he doesn't do this with is vincent. vincent sees his really personality because, well, he knows him better than anyone else anyway.

*as i talk about their relationship into adulthood, i am following my timeline headcanon, which y'all can read here if it is of interest to you)*

early adulthood

i think vincent went to college, and i think bo was really, really cut up about it. of course, they don't spend every waking moment together anyway, bo went to elementary/middle school without vince and they fall out often enough and like everyone else they just want to do their own thing sometimes, but they've never been really apart before. vincent is moving out of ambrose and bo doesn't know what to do.

he feels bad that he isn't totally happy for vincent to go off and live his own life, but he feels abandoned. vincent is the one person he can always rely on. no. matter. what.

after their parents died and taking over the town

i think after their parents died (in whatever way you want to interpret this happening) they had a period of relief. they no longer had these, ultimately, abusive people in their lives. they enjoyed a sense of freedom of like, "oh, it really is just us now!"

when either of them are angry they'll will bring up the competitiveness of their childhood (bo calling vince a "freak" and vince acknowledging that their parents "loved him more"), but on the whole they work much better as a unit. two brains are better than one and all that.

and, long story short, i think the town was more or less abandoned due to it being essentially a "company town" and once the mill shut down, everyone moved out.

with everyone else jumping ship and the twins having no where else to go as they still tried to maintain the museum, they would have become more reclusive than ever. lester had long since moved out and with just the two of them, they become more attached than ever. they don't want to talk to other people, because it's too much effort. bo has a breakdown at some point after their parents die and vincent picks up the pieces. this is when they start the *murdering*, almost as a coping mechanism like "we can't trust other people", which then turns into, "you know how we were both kind of failures our entire lives, lets try and pull off this bat-shit plan and then we'll know that we could do it all along".

lester

lester was born as an attempt to re-do the whole "having kids" thing, but ultimately trudy and victor just, weren't good parents?

lester is at least 5 years younger than the twins, and it shows. bo and vincent had their twin bond long before lester came along and although they love lester, he just doesn't... understand them, not like they do each other.

it used to annoy him, knowing that bo and vincent had each other and "left him out" (especially considering their parents didn't pay that much attention to him) but over time he came to accept it begrudgingly. now he has his own life away from ambrose it's a lot easier. one thing that does still annoy him though is their godgoddamn twin talk. they tend to forget that he's their, or that he doesn't understand because they can and will have intense conversation s and then just walk away, leaving lester very much hanging.

lester is willing to help the twins out, he does a lot of luring of course, but he doesn't live in town. honestly part of it is that he's always been more independent and partly because when the twins are in a bad mood (either independently or because of each other) he just can't handle the atmosphere in town. it's safer to stay out of their ways when they're "out of sorts".

on the whole i think, lester gets on better with bo and vincent when he's with just one of them at a time. they're easier to talk to when they're alone because they don't get side tracked by something the other one is doing. bo tries to get them all to eat dinner together on a somewhat regular basis but it's a nightmare to organise and lester gets bored watching the twins discuss/bicker about something he isn't involved in (will literally be something about meaningless like vincent accidently taping over an specific episode of star trek that bo is attached to, or bo borrowed vincent's shoes and has not yet cleaned the mud off of them). either way, lester find it way easier to talk to them when it is 1-on-1.

general co-dependency

returning to my first point. bo needs vincent more than vincent needs bo.

bo is unstable and scared of leaving town. controversial opinion, i know. of course he leaves town (to get supplies, to go to a local bar, etc.) but leaving permanently? no, he could never. he relies on vincent -- his twin, the one person who will always stay with him when everyone else leaves -- to ground him. relies on him to give him the affection he needs.

that's not to say vincent doesn't need bo. he does, but not as much as bo needs him. vincent needs bo to make himself feel better. bo gives him purpose, and not in the way you might think. vincent knows bo is hopeless without him, he knows he needs to be there or bo is going to fall apart.

in the film we see bo get angry at vincent for leaving town without him. yeah, he is angry, but i think most of all he's upset. he's scared. he's just been shot with a crossbow and he comes home and while he's trying to fix himself up, vincent comes home and bo realises that while he was getting shot, vincent was out there on his own. he could have been hurt and then what would bo do?

one of bo's biggest fears is being on his own, and he's angry with vincent for leaving him. not for leaving town, for leaving him. bo doesn't feel he's good enough for anyone (that's why his parents abused him, or why he can't keep a significant other) but selfishly he thinks vincent doesn't have a choice. they were born together, they're stuck together (literally and metaphorically).

vincent, much like bo, has major self esteem issues. the love he got from his parents, although it's more than they gave bo, was conditional. so long as he was "good" (or, the opposite of bo) they would love him. if he kept doing well with the wax working, they would love him. if he covered his face, maybe other people would love him too. none of that happened.

he's selfish too. bo is the only one who's never put a condition on his love. the only one who has ever needed vincent for who he was and not for who he was pretending to be. he hates when bo makes comments about his face, but he can put up with it from him because bo needs him.

he puts up with it because he knows that bo sees them as more or less the same. sure, bo knows he "got the looks" while vincent "got the talent", but he seems them as one and the same. they were the same for a few months and when they were separated, there was a split in them. looks and talent and personality were distributed between them to the point where he thinks that together they might even make a whole person.

ultimately, they need each other to survive. through their early circumstances (and later by their own choices) they've been backed into a corner where they can't survive outside of the ghost town they call home. they both provide something the other so desperately needs that they won't be parted, even if it would be for the best and even when they know they're dragging each other down. they're in it together, forever.

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi, me again 😶

I appreciate the lengthy answer you gave my ask. (I obviously can't read the tone through text, but you didn't seem as annoyed as i thought you might be(?) so that's a lowkey win for me actually explaining why i sent the first ask(?) Lol)

Also yeah, no, i wasn't 'cockblocked'. Amended isn't a fic i go to for that kind of instant gratification :) Out of all four, it was the only one i actually wanted to read at first (only followed by TL, but not soon after) And it wasn't for the sex, I read the tags.

With that out of the way,

I tried thoroughly answering your answer (lol) but I kept running in circles and not being able to properly articulate what I'm thinking, so I'm just going to write a shorter version :)

I think it does eventually come down to what you said about Amended being intended more for readers who personally relate than for those who don't.

While I've obviously had certain negative life experiences, i doubt they can be seen as traumatic. Or if they can, they're nowhere near Isabella's level. I suppose i've also had different coping mechanisms than her so that's probably another one of the reasons I didn't think all of her reactions were justified. It's all a question of whether it made sense to me or not. Did jk's behavior look faultless to me? No. But I could understand jk's p.o.v more than hers, even if he was wrong in some of his assumptions and didn't voice them calmly. Sometimes I wish they could read each other's minds..

I did, however, understand the analogies you made and they did give me a better understanding of why she acts the way she does.

Honestly I was surprised there even was another sex scene in this chapter. Thought they'd talk about it properly before attempting again. But noPe :) I'm rather apprehensive about the date and how Jungkook's.. "plans" are going to go, considering everything..

------------------

I do appreciate you truthfully picturing the process of her overcoming parts of her past trauma and learning that it's okay to trust someone again. It's just quite difficult to grasp the depth and gravity of her trauma from an.. "outsider" 's perspective 😅

-👀

Hello again 👀!

First, I do want to apologize that my joke about being cockblocked sounds like it landed poorly. I had not read your initial comment as being very serious (since it just said you were annoyed with Isabella) so I responded in what I understand the tone to be. I'm sorry I misunderstood that initial ask!

Second of all, I'm not annoyed! I find and hope all these discussions are actually useful for anyone reading. Mental health is a big, huge aspect of life that I just feel like is so poorly represented or discussed. I have had serious anxiety all my life (without even knowing it! I thought that's just how everyone's brain worked!) but when I had my first major depressive episode, I remember after I was out of it being like: holy shit. I did not understand what depression was before this! Even now, it's hard for me to fully recall how utterly potato I was because it seems impossible that I was that way but I was! Our brains map the world and our place in it, and it can be challenging to get into the head of someone whose brain functions very differently than our own. So that's all to say, I think talking about these things is valuable to broaden our own understanding of ourselves and the people around us who navigate the world differently than we may.

One thing I think is worth pointing out in this story too that hasn't actually come up tonight: JK in this story also has trauma. And he also went through a period of deep pain that caused him to isolate himself and hurt the people around him badly. And his traumas still influence how he behaves. Isabella is his first "real" relationship. Remember how hurt Miranda was when he committed to her without committing to her?? And then didn't tell her he'd fucking gotten MARRIED? We just are seeing JK further along in his healing journey because he has been in a safe, loving, supportive place for far longer than Isabella has, and he always had family love and support, even at his worst (in high school when he really hurt Isabella). Isabella didn't have that. She has been alone and is now having to learn how to function without being in survival mode all the time. It may be worth everyone remembering that this isn't a story where JK stumbled into what is definitely a relationship with someone only starting to process intense trauma. He went into this eyes wide open, and with his own experience helping him understand the fear, and the loneliness. He's not actually a saint, he's just been through something similar and he understands (at least a little) and he loves her.

As for coping mechanisms, that's another good point: they're different for everyone and just like love languages, we can most easily understand behavior similar to our own. I love learning more about the way people work, and I hope my stories can help readers learn more beyond their own experiences or patterns as well, like how to recognize other love languages or coping or defense mechanisms.

Jimin actually called JK out on one of his this chapter: "you'll have sex with her before you love her because you're confident about sex." Is it worth thinking how different this story might be if Jungkook had been honest with Isabella at any point in their relationship about the love and guilt and regret he has from how he treated her when they were younger? Maybe not, but maybe!

And finally, as for sex: I had actually expected a lot of people to be upset about them having sex before they'd resolved more, haha. Because it's totally fair to theorize they jumped the gun getting physical! But they did it! Because they're horny for each other! It was a big step forward though before they were really ready to talk about some of the Big Feelings that might come up for either of them. They are a couple that tends to take a big leap and then scramble to figure out wtf they just did

Anyway, hope all this gives some more food for thought!

[fairycosmos]

I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine.  yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.