#yeah i'm bringing back the negativity tag for this i'm genuinely so mad

[zoloft3]

the man i assume to be god

☆彡hitoshi shinso x gn! reader

tags—> weed use, nickname use (sweetheart), no use of y/n, first person pov (i'm sorry this is unlike me), childhood friends to weird ass situationship to lovers, it's sappy :| don't be mad,

a/n : this is technically a cross post, since i originally posted this on ao3 years ago, but i wanted to rewrite it for a character i like better and relate to more now. i also changed a bunch of the writing to what's more my style nowadays. so if you've seen this before... no you haven't. This is also the start of me officially beginning my tumblr writing career :] so if you like this lmk and i might do more

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We made a bad habit of falling asleep in the car.

Hitoshi was always calling me late at night to go for a drive. He'd pick me up in the car he spent too much money on and make some mean comment about my sweatpants and 1 AM eye bags, all before smiling like it hadn't been weeks since he texted. I would get in the car, let the scent of him envelope me, and immediately forgive him. He’d been dealing with the weight of a quarter life crisis, and apparently needed me and some weed to take a load off. Being best friends and head over heels in love since high school made it difficult to say no to him.

We’d fallen into a bit of a routine, unfortunately. Driving out till we found a good place to stop, and then rolling down the windows to watch the few stars that were out. By the time I had shot-gunned him a few times, per his request, my eyelids would droop and there'd be that stomach settling feeling. The kind that makes it so easy to sit perfectly still and never move a muscle. Being so close to him was dreamy, and the buzzing smoke inhalation never failed to take it out of me.

The weed didn't do much to curb my mind though. Whatever we were, whatever racing thoughts I would think all day about him, didn't stop at the car door. The whole thing was messy and so fucking complicated. I tried not to think too hard about it. Most of the time I’d just focus on how pretty he was and how lucky I am to be able to love him.

When he says my name, I swear-

I don’t even know what it does, it kills me so badly.

This one saturday night in particular, Hitoshi didn’t seem as interested in lazy, open mouthed kisses. He seemed fixated on looking at me.

“Hey, you okay?” I nudged his shoulder, attempting to stir awake the Hitoshi I knew. The man only I got to see.

He was a famous work of art, but only I got to hang the framed canvas on my wall. Only I could stand close enough to see each and every brush stroke. No post card or photo could ever compare to the real thing. He was mine, even if he wasn't my boyfriend, he was mine.

“Sorry,” He seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was under, “Just doing too much thinking lately.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that,” I smirked, tilting my head to get a better angle of his moonlit face.

“You think we could, just, I dunno,” He looked out the open window, lost in the open air and pine trees, “Maybe talk? About this? Us?”

My heart did a 180 in my chest, so, as per usual, I relied on attempted comedy and a smile to take the anxiety away, “Talk about us? I was beginning to think you’d never ask.”

“I’m serious, you know." The look on he gave me dropped the smile off my face. He was serious. This was officially bad. My brain wracked itself for every possible negative outcome.

Until he spoke again.

"I’ve been thinking we should try something.” He shifted his hands off the steering wheel to take another hit, then tap the ash out the window. The whole scene was far more attractive than I’d ever admit. The way he put his lips together as he exhaled the smoke in my direction. It was fantastical. Sweet, sappy memories I’d lick off the floor of this car to remember.

I’d do anything to keep him on my mind.

“Try… what?” I asked, genuinely curious and anxious for his answer.

This seemed to bring him all the way back to himself, there was a sly smirk on his lips, “I dunno, sweetheart, what do you think?”

There was that sinking feeling again and my back was glued to the seat, eyes stuck on his face. My mind knew what was coming, but my heart couldn't accept that the thing I'd been dreaming about since I was fourteen, was really coming true. In this very moment. Oh, lord.

He turned to face me fully, and the spell broke. This definitely wasn't a dream. Both our arms resting on the center console brought our faces incredibly close.

We’ve always been this way, together and apart, near, yet so far.

Noses almost grazing each other, I pushed myself to speak in the presence of the man I assume to be god.

“You want me to guess?” I raised an eyebrow despite my aching, heavy heart, “Or will you just kiss me already.”

One thing I loved about Hitoshi, is one way or another, he always did what I told him to do.

He kissed differently than I expected, not so commanding or competitive but slow and compassionate. I knew only then, that everything would be fine. We were together, finally, as one.

We didn’t fall asleep in the car that night.

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a/n : if it was terrible, don't tell me.

i will walk into the ocean and never come back.

thanks to @saemeret for being such a good little beta (annoying baby talk voice) smooch <3

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

Zee, I would like to start by saying sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up horrible things talking about drama, you being “famous” from the asks, and your past. I had no idea, and I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I am so very sorry. Next, I am so angry on your behalf that any of this happened to you. This is horrendous. No one, especially not an adult, should have done anything like that to anyone (especially not a minor). There is no excuse for her behavior. 1/?

Hello again, my darling.

I want to start off by saying that you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't cross any boundaries. If I really felt uncomfortable answering, I would have kept it to myself and deleted the ask. You didn't pressure me into posting anything I didn't want to. This story needed to get told somewhere, anyway. I've been keeping it to myself for too long.

I told you it was batshit, and I hope I delivered.

I wouldn't call myself blameless in this story. I was manipulated, yes, and I was groomed, yes, but I'm not completely blameless. Or at least I don't think I am. Idk maybe it's just the leftover mental illness saying that, I wouldn't be surprised.

I don't feel much joy in art anymore. It brings me back to a time I'd like to forget. I found my love for writing again, and that is enough for me. The fact that I'm writing something that I've posted and people enjoy is enough for me. I don't know if I will ever find joy in art again, which is a shame because I was really fucking good at it, but c'est la vie.

Yeah, people finding me was really fucking weird, and really fucking scary. I stopped tagging my friends and family in posts and I changed my fucking name. It hasn't happened in a while now, and I think I'm probably safe. The last time it happened was last year. Someone on my college campus recognized me, so that was really fucking awkward.

I'm thankful to my family and friends and my therapist for getting me through it. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without them. I hope y'all understand what I mean now when I say that Dani is like one of my limbs, lmao. I genuinely can't live without her and she kept me sane throughout a lot of this - reminded me that I was allowed to have negative feelings about it.

Once again, darling, don't worry about it. You didn't do anything wrong. If I truly felt uncomfortable answering, I wouldn't have. There's a little "delete ask" option that I could have used. I'm not mad, or hurt, or re-traumatized or anything. It was a shitty situation, and it had a shitty aftermath, and I'm living with the consequences. It taught me lessons about life. Lessons I probably didn't want to learn, but needed to. And now y'all know a little more about me.

I'll leave you with this comment from Dani because I think it perfectly sums up what the fuck our lives were like in 2021:

We were fucking teenagers. And we still are.

[allsassnoclass]

hi again too many thoughts i don't want to hide in the tags: 1. "maybe the person you identify with isn't always the easiest to write" yes 100%, i write michael the most because i identify with him most However he's also the hardest to write. which is very strange to me, but yes.

2. that dating to fake dating idea caught my attention. that sounds very oof in the best way

3. i love that you love writing their friendships!!! it makes me so happy to see/read and it's why fics like puzzle pieces are so good i think (i'm all in favour of not putting romantic relationship above friendships. i think that's so important)

4. i just wanna say please rant all you want about being mad at people making fun of ashton. i will be mad with you. superbloom era also scarred me for that lmao i remember that we were both thinking the same thing last year. so!! yes all the way!!! let's not make fun of ashton just because we don't understand what eh's trying to say yeah :') i say that as someone who doesn't particularly identify with or relate to him. i still love hearing everything he has to say. sorry to bring your rant out of the tags lmao but i also feel VERY passionately about this :') -taylor<3

hello hello welcome back

1. it's so interesting how that works out! because you'd think that would make them easier to write, but it doesn't

2. i'm pretty excited about it right now. it's got some interesting stuff happening in it and as someone who doesn't do a lot of angst it's been fun to come up with ideas and be like "ooo. that will hurt the readers."

3. they make it so easy!!!! it's so easy to write 5sos fic because they have so much platonic love for each other that we get to see. if you're writing slash the love is there, you just need to switch it to romantic! and if you're doing some nice friendship stuff you have So Much to work with. and yes I am a very very firm believer that romantic relationships are not more important than friendships, which is also probably why the vast majority of my fics are friends to lovers, as you need to actually be friends with your partner for a romantic relationship to work out. anyway. i feel like having puzzle pieces be my third fic i wrote really set the tone in that regard

4. yeah i know that at this point the period of time i'm ranting about was over a year ago but the fact that i still get worked up really shows how much it got under my skin lol. my least favorite thing was that Every Single Time He Posted everyone would be like "what is he even saying he's so pretentious and incomprehensible" and like. i understood what he was saying every time. it made me feel really weird, like because i was on the same wavelength as him everything that they were saying about him also applied to me. it also was just frustrating because genuinely nothing he said was that hard to get. like it got to the point where he could've posted "i like apples" and people would've still said that he's pretentious and makes no sense. it genuinely made it a lot harder to enjoy his content, which was super unfortunate given that he was the only person posting and it was promotion for his solo album. in the circles i run in, ashton is always the one who people talk down about the most. and yeah, he's weird! he says some strange things! but that's his right because it's his social media. he can post what he wants. he also says some really beautiful things and he has really interesting ideas about human connectivity and our place in the universe. like, i'm sorry that you don't have enough empathy to take a second to leave your own ideas behind enough to see what he's saying? but don't ruin it for the rest of us.

it also really bothers me when, more recently, people call him privileged or pretentious for his mental health advice. he definitely is privileged (he's in a job that he loves, surrounded by people he loves, and he doesn't have to worry about financial struggles, which are things that negatively affect the mental health of a lot of people i know), but on twitter a few months ago someone asked him what helps him and he said something about gratefulness and i think he said something about how he finds yoga helpful because it helps center him. and i get why people would be like "yoga doesn't cure depression you idiot" but that's not what he was saying!!!! someone asked him what helps HIM and he answered. PLUS, little things like that CAN HELP if they work for you! changing your mindset from a more negative one to a positive one (making note of things you're grateful for, for example) can help you enjoy the little things more and lead to an overall more positive experience. and the physicality of something like yoga can also help with the release of different hormones in the brain that can help you, plus if it's part of a routine then those can help as well. (when i was in my Nightmare Internship we all were having breakdowns left and right. one girl started getting up early to do yoga every day because it was something that she used to do at home and it helped her start her day on a positive note, plus she really enjoys the physical feeling of muscles stretching.) he didn't claim that that's what cured him (we know the guy has gone to therapy. he has sought professional help for his mental health) but when someone asks him what helps him and he gives an honest answer it really bothers me when people call him pretentious or privileged for it. like, was he supposed to lie????? what do you want from him??????? it felt a little like that tumblr mentality of "this little thing isn't going to make me neurotypical so i'm going to hate you for suggesting it even if it could help make things a little more bearable." like. he never claimed that it would. he's not saying that you don't need to actually seek professional help. but if someone asks him about his own strategies for managing his mental health and he answers honestly i don't think he should get called privileged for it, especially when something like acknowledging things that you're grateful for is something that everyone can do regardless of how busy you are or how much money you have.

anyway. the way that people interact with ashton's content as opposed to everyone else's really bothers me sometimes. that rant did get away from me this time but apparently i have thoughts lol