#yeah i’m still working through sk8. ignore me

[mamahoggs]

HEY BITCHES AND BROS AND NON-BINARY HOES

[skaylanphear]

Hi there! Do you have any advice on improving traction towards a fanwork/fic? I love writing—and it's not for notoriety by any means—but having validation and feedback also feels nice (I hope that's not conceited). What would you recommend to someone without a large audience/follower base? I do "advertise" on tumblr when my work is written/updated on AO3. How did your journey start? Thank you!

This is an interesting question and I doubt most people are going to like the answers, but here we go:

So, first and foremost, you need to be realistic about why you're creating in the first place. If you're doing work in a fandom that is older, where content has stopped coming out, or that is simply smaller, you're not going to get much engagement, period. There will, of course, be activity in these fandoms, but it will be far less and the people involved—while they may view your work—will be less likely to comment/spread it around simply because there's not much going on. So if you're creating in that sort of environment (which can be a really good environment if you're looking for something chill with no pressure), then you have to be prepared for low engagement, even if the people you do meet and who are willing to talk about your work are more regularly in your sphere. You can probably make better/closer friends in these sorts of fandoms, if you're willing to try.

But, on the other end of this, if you're coming into a huge fandom late, it's also going to be harder to wade through the massive following to get your stuff out there. For example, in both the Miraculous and Sk8 fandom, I started work pretty early on, when the shows were still gaining traction, and so my "name" as a creator gained traction parallel to that growth, as opposed to when I started writing in the Voltron fandom. With Voltron, I came in super late and so what few fics I had that did gain traction took a lot longer to get there because people already had their fav content creators in the fandom, etc. It's not impossible to get popular in this situation—far from it—but it does take longer.

You'll also benefit from having finished works early on in a fandom's lifespan, at least with writing. This is because there's less competition for views and so more people will be filtered to your work, initially. This means that you have a better chance of getting those comments and kudos. Having a finished work increases this engagement because people look for finished works before works in progress. Generally, the length of a fic doesn't matter much for popularity, so long as it's DONE. When I was writing in the ML fandom, quite a few of my earlier fics were shorter, and they compete in popularity with my longer fics, because people care more about having a finished story, not a long story. That's why when it came to Only Practice Makes Perfect in the Sk8 fandom, I worked hard to get that shit done, because it was the most popular story I had in the fandom and I decided—like an idiot—to make it a long fic. Which, yeah, means people probably love it/remember it more in the long run, but if I hadn't finished it in 2 to 3 months, I'd have lost considerable traction as far as making a name within the fandom.

This leads into one of the most important points, if not THE MOST IMPORTANT point in gaining an audience—consistency. If you do want to be a successful creator, you Have To Be Consistent. This is the most difficult hurdle for all creators, and it is oftentimes impossible to make happen. If you want to aim for professionalism, which a lot of fandom creators don't care about (which is fine), then consistency is how you get there. Nobody wants to read a fic or follow an artist who doesn't stick to creating what they start (RIP all my unfinished works and the people who left me as a result, LOL). Using my most recent works as an example, I very, very, very consistently updated Only Practice Makes Perfect multiple times a week. To the point where people got comfortable expecting it, which is the key variable here. When people become comfortable that you will regularly create content, they not only stick around, but will be more interactive with you and your work. Nobody likes the disappointment of getting involved with a work only for that work to rarely get updates. Most people don't have the attention span to care. I'll admit, if I read a fic that's not finished and the writer takes one week to update, then one week, then THREE weeks, I probably will, like, forget about it. That's just life.

The best thing you can do is schedule. And again, this is the HARDEST thing to do, because it holds the creator to a deadline. Most people who create in fandoms don't want that kind of pressure—and that's fine. I go back and forth on when I have scheduled releases and when I don't, depending on what I'm aiming to do. But if you to retain your audience, telling them that you will update a work regularly on such and such a day and such and such a time, it creates something for them to remember. If they're invested in your work, they will think, "oh, it's Friday, that means such and such is coming out with something new." But, with that in mind, you also have to commit to a schedule that people will remain invested in. Which basically means you can't put things out more than a week away from each other, unless you're really, really famous, lol. If I told people I was going to go on a two week update schedule, I would lose most of my audience. But a week is long enough for people to both still remember and anticipate. That's just how the scheduling of the world works. And if you're an artist that's working on a big project, then you have to share progress, or pieces of what you're doing on a regular basis. That's what generates "buzz" and keeps you relevant. And, yeah, that's a really hard schedule to commit to, because it's a lot of work. BUT this consistency is where you see people being successful. Popular youtubers may not have gained their popularity by being consistent, but most sure do retain it that way. And again, there are outlying exceptions, but they generally ARE exceptions.

Speaking of hard work, here's probably the second hardest thing to accomplish—you have to be prolific. Especially as a writer. You have to write A LOT if you want to gain an audience. And yeah, that means you have to work, a lot. I love my work, so I enjoy that "grind," and I also have developed a lot of strategies to work around writer's block and every other obstacle that tends to catch people up. I work in a very professional manner—I do outlines, and drafts, and plan. I do a lot of stuff that people who do this kind of thing for fun can't be bothered with (and that's fine), but that's because I find it to be what works best in creating an efficient environment. I'm also very, very NOT lazy, lol. I was raised in an environment where you have to work for everything that you want. My parents didn't buy me my first computer, or snowboard, or what have you. We were tight on money and if I wanted something, they couldn't help me—I had to get that shit on my own. And I also grew up on a farm, where hard work was a staple of how you did things. You did things the right way, even if it was the hard way. You can't cut corners and it's the same with this. If you want it, you have to actually do the work, that's it. Some people get lucky with popularity, most don't. Most famous actors didn't become well-known off their first efforts, they had to keep trying and keep working and then they have to continue to do that to stay relevant. So if that doesn't sound great to you, then you might want to not focus on your audience and just create because you enjoy it, lol. Sometimes that's what I do too, when I don't wanna deal with the pressure.

Moving on, here's another point that nobody is going to like. Simply put, you also have to be good at what you do. I think some people don't realize that I've been writing fic for over fifteen years. I currently have nearly 2 millions words worth of fics on AO3 and that doesn't include a majority of the stuff I've ever written. I practice A LOT. I write every day. And I'll tell ya, when I started out in middle school, my stuff was not good. But I worked hard, I ignored the hate, and I kept going. That is the only way you will ever get better at anything. There's no quick way to become a better writer, or artist. And a vast majority of people are only going to pay attention to your stuff if it's quality work. Getting to that point is a process, on top of then creating stuff that fits into popular molds. Not only am I good at what I do (and I don't care how arrogant that sounds—I've worked my ass off), but when it comes to fandoms, I rarely write "rare pairs" and "crack ships." Generally, if it's popular, that's where I am. That makes a big difference and I honestly don't have sympathy for people who write rare pairs and such and then complain about lack of engagement. You knew what you were getting into (it's mostly the Miraculous fandom that gave me this bitterness). If you're not writing what people WANT to read, then your audience is simply going to be smaller. And that audience doesn't owe you their attention, no matter how frustrating it is or how good your work is. I could be the best writer in the world, but if I'm writing RekixCherry fic, I have nobody to blame but myself when nobody reads it. BUT if that's your passion, and writing a certain unpopular thing makes you happy, then, again, you need to not be concerned with traction and your audience.

The last point I'll make is that it matters HOW you present yourself online. A good chunk of the well-known creators in any fandom are, simply put, older people. And those that aren't, and are able to connect with those older creators, have generally created a bubble around themselves of maturity and, like, of being nice, lol. A lot of creators are skittish these days, and if you're an asshole (anti) or fight a lot over stupid shit, you may get a bigger audience, but you will isolate yourself from other creators. And this is important because oftentimes it is your exposure to other creators that will get your work circulating. The reason I got popular in the ML fandom? I wrote a short angst fic and a really popular artist shared it/talked about it and the rest was history. But if I'd had a habit of being an asshole, probably wouldn't have happened. And, granted, I'm not saying don't voice your opinions, but if you're loud all the time, it does turn people off. Especially creators because they are oftentimes the ones being attacked. They don't want to pull more of that negative bullshit into their lives. I'll admit, when I was in the ML fandom, I was down for a fight, but then that's what people came to expect, and it probably did turn others off, and then when I didn't fight, or didn't think the way my audience thought I should, it, again, turned people off. It's really not worth it unless being that type of person IS your platform.

So, that's all the advice I can give, I suppose. And even if you do all this stuff, that still doesn't mean you're going to be popular. At the end of the day, the thing that I stick to is this—I do what I want, I love what I do, and I work hard. If I'm in a position to worry about all that other stuff, then sure, I do, but otherwise… There's no easy way to become popular and, quite frankly, it's better to just "live" working hard and being a decent person than it is to focus on all this bullshit. I've created a working environment where I function within these "points" quite naturally, so it's not something I think about (except for schedules, lol). Sometimes I get popular in fandoms, sometimes I don't. At the end of the day, it comes down to how much work you're willing to do, because you will always be giving more than you are getting back, so you have to at least enjoy what you're doing.

Seriously, just do it because you love it. And if the pressure of everything above is something you don't love (I like a good, high pressure situation, lol), then don't do it that way—it's not worth the grief.

[plumoh]

[SK8] whirlwind

Rating: G

Word count: 2341

Summary: Three times Kaoru gets into a fight; Kojirou is never too far away. / high school era.

Note: AO3 link. As usual, high school era means pre-relationship and Kaoru being a little bit oblivious to Kojirou’s feelings haha.

i.

Kaoru didn’t mean to punch him.

Well. That’s not exactly true. He did want to punch that smug smile off the bastard’s face, but he didn’t mean to knock him out. It’s not his fault that his punch landed exactly at an angle that made the guy’s head twist on the side and bang on the streetlamp, before collapsing on the ground and invoking a silence so loud everyone’s breathing felt like an entire storm.

And then all the guy’s goons start screaming and yelling for blood, pointing accusing fingers at Kaoru like Kaoru just killed someone (their boss isn’t dead, not yet), and most of them also start crowding around him with a palpable vengeful intent. As if that will ever intimidate him.

Nobody thinks that Kaoru is built to fight, which propels them into a state of shock and complete disbelief when he attacks first and manages to strike down two people by smashing their heads together and kicking them in the stomach for good measure. He doesn’t stop moving, always ready to spring back and to collide his fist with something breakable or crouching low to dodge and literally sweep them off their feet. He’s like a volcano being poked until it swallows everything around him.

His impulsiveness means he gets hurt too, mostly from his own moves that use more strength than necessary, but also from attacks he decides to go up against instead of avoiding, simply to get closer to his opponent. He ends up with scratches on his face and bruises on his legs or cuts on his arms, in a way that undeniably adds to his overall appearance of a troublemaker. He doesn’t give a shit; the messier and more dangerous he looks, the better.

It’s when most of the guys have fled, leaving Kaoru breathing hard and leaning forward with his hands on his knees, that Kojirou materializes next to him.

“What the hell, Kaoru?” Kojirou yells, not knowing if touching Kaoru will be a wise idea. “Did you pick a fight with random people again?”

“I didn’t pick a fight with them, they provoked me,” Kaoru growls, wiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand. It comes away with a little blood. “Why do you always assume I’m the one instigating?”

“Maybe because two times out of three you’re the one who throws the first punch,” Kojirou mumbles.

“Thank you for the vote of confidence.”

“Am I wrong, though?”

Kaoru makes a poor attempt at shoving Kojirou in the shoulder but he misses by a large margin and ends up swatting at his chest, which does nothing to abate Kojirou’s annoyance.

“Shut up,” Kaoru says.

Kojirou shakes his head and takes Kaoru’s arm to steady him, dragging him towards a less crowded and more luminous place to get a look at his injuries with supplies that seem to have appeared from nowhere.

ii.

Kojirou nearly lands on his face after failing a trick, all graceless and devoid of finesse, which makes Kaoru double over in laughter.

“That was really stupid,” Kaoru snorts.

“Yeah, I didn’t see you try doing that trick,” Kojirou scoffs.

“At least I don’t look like a limp caterpillar when I’m on the ground like you are.”

“You’re insufferable, you know that?”

Kojirou picks himself up from the ground and dusts off his pants, looking back at the track that he just descended from. Kaoru watches the way Kojirou is considering the path again, eyes focused on the last meters of the bumpy pavement. They chose this part of the track specifically because it isn’t well-maintained, full of holes and uneven ground that forces them to work on their stability. Kojirou, like the brainless ape he is, wanted to show off by doing some fancy trick that only served as evidence of his stupidity.

“Hey, you’re Sakurayashiki, right?”

Kaoru turns around and raises en eyebrow. He has no idea who the guy talking to him is.

“Get out of our turf,” the guy says on a tone that’s supposed to be menacing. “Or you’ll regret it.”

“Your turf?” Kaoru repeats, unimpressed. “The hell are you on?”

“You thought you could swing by after sending some of our guys to the hospital?”

The words go in Kaoru’s ear and make a swift exit in the other. He blinks.

“I didn’t send anyone in the hospital,” he says, tone raising like a question as he turns around to address Kojirou.

Kojirou lifts his hands in sign of innocence. “I don’t know, I’m not there to watch you fight every single person in this city.”

“You would remember if I did anything like that, wouldn’t you?”

“I just said I don’t know!”

“Stop ignoring me!”

Kojirou shouts wordlessly and yanks Kaoru by the arm, saving him from a well-aimed kick that would have sent Kaoru sprawling, and suddenly it’s like a switch has been flipped.

People say that Kaoru has a bad temper, an accusation that’s not totally unfounded. He’s quick to anger and he doesn’t mince his words—when he’s having a casual conversation with someone, many wrinkle their nose at his lack of proper forms of address, and others outright say he shouldn’t be so aggressive in his choice of words. One can only imagine how vulgar and straightforward he is when he’s insulting someone or spitting out a string of curses that are probably not yet in the dictionary.

Kojirou, of course, has a deep knowledge of the ways Kaoru can react before a taunt, a physical threat or a low blow to his ego. He’s not exactly a saint either, since he will without a doubt get into a fight if he’s provoked enough, or throw back cruel words when the situation calls for it, but between the two, Kojirou has less difficulty keeping his bad mood in check.

Kaoru twists around and is ready to swing his fist at full speed, but Kojirou is already scolding him while having a grip of iron on his arm. He’s also trying to drag him back, stopping him from making even one step towards their opponent who is, quite frankly, looking too fucking pleased with himself.

“What, too chicken to fight me?” the guy snickers. “Too scared of hurting your little hands?”

“I’m gonna punch a hole through your skull, you absolute buffoon,” Kaoru hisses, struggling against Kojirou’s grip. “Let me go, Kojirou!”

“Stop getting into fights, damn it!” Kojirou yells.

“He asked for it!”

“Same difference, you idiot!”

Kojirou loops his arms under Kaoru’s armpits and keeps him still, pressed against his torso, even when Kaoru is trying to pull forward with the sheer force of his will. Kojirou’s stronger than Kaoru, but Kaoru doesn’t give a shit when he is moved by rage alone, stomping and wriggling and squirming in the hopes of getting away.

The guy is watching them with the most self-satisfied smirk ever, as if Kaoru’s inaction is proof of his victory over a petty squabble that Kaoru himself doesn’t remember. It pisses him off.

He usually wouldn’t resort to such dirty tactics. In a fight, the more they use their fists and feet and entire bodies, the more gratifying it is. Sporting injuries and scars are simply a natural consequence of it, and everyone should wear them proudly—like real battle scars, resembling a physical history of their hard-won fights.

Kaoru’s skateboard is within leg reach. He has long legs, Kojirou keeps reminding him, so might as well make use of them. He makes one big step forward, grunting when he’s met with resistance due to Kojirou holding him back, but he manages to have his foot on the tail-end of the deck and brings the skateboard at his feet. He can feel Kojirou’s and the bastard’s confused and intrigued gazes on him; all he does is offer a grin, the sunlight catching on his lip ring like some wicked gleam of mischievousness.

Kaoru gives a harsh kick into his skateboard that goes straight towards the guy, hitting his ankle at full speed and tearing a cry of pain and surprise out of his throat. He puts all his weight on his other foot and cradles his injured ankle, glaring at Kaoru with burning anger. Kaoru isn’t sorry in the least.

“I’ll end you,” the man threatens, visibly shaking with fury.

“Good luck with that ankle,” Kaoru replies smugly. “You’ll fall over before you can land a single hit on me.”

Kojirou audibly sighs and shakes his head. And then, two things happen at once.

The first is that their friend bends down with difficulty, not wishing to put strain on his ankle, and picks up the skateboard. He gives it a long contemplative look, like he’s wondering if this object is worth his interest, before dropping it back on the ground and getting on it.

The second is Kaoru watching this with mounting irritation and rage, and he decides that stomping on Kojirou’s foot to let him go is less aggravating than letting some random prick steal his skateboard. So he does just that with minimal hesitation, causing Kojirou to loudly yelp as his grip loosens enough for Kaoru to slip out.

Skating all day doesn’t mean they can’t run with their feet. Kaoru pushes on his feet like his life depends on it and in a few large strides he catches up to the guy just as he starts skating away, and Kaoru, without a second thought, decks him.

Skateboard back in hand, a broad smile splitting his face in two, Kaoru leaves the track with a victorious fist lifted in the air, to Kojirou’s growing exasperation.

iii.

Kaoru presses his lips together and remains stubbornly silent.

“Kaoru.”

Arms crossed and a frown deeper than usual on his face, Kojirou is staring at him with disappointment so clear that Kaoru actually feels bad, for once. He shrugs.

“You’re lucky that it didn’t rip off your lip,” Kojirou continues. “Why did you get piercings if you know you’ll never resist fighting people? Do you want to risk permanent damage just because your brain is filled with a useless need to fight?”

“Shut up, Kojirou,” Kaoru mutters.

Kaoru winces when Kojirou presses something cold on his mouth, gently dabbing at it and being careful about the lip ring, whose presence alone did a number on his face. Having his head smashed into the ground would do that, he supposes.

Kojirou is silently working on cleaning and bandaging his various cuts and bruises on his face. Kaoru glances up, noticing that the tense line of Kojirou’s shoulders is heavier than usual, a bit more worried, as if today’s encounter could have ended in a disaster. It wasn’t any worse than the previous times. Maybe Kaoru got roughed up a bit more and maybe he got kicked in the ribs more times than necessary and yes, maybe he should have taken off his earrings and lip ring before going skating, but these are all possible factors disrupting his routine he always considers before doing anything. And it’s not like he knows in advance that someone will pick a fight with him. He just got unlucky this time.

Kaoru watches Kojirou’s brows knit together in concentration. This isn’t a rare expression on his face, but Kaoru has never noticed the way Kojirou’s focus is single-minded when he does this kind of detail-oriented tasks, or the way he purses his lips like he does when he’s trying to solve a complicated math problem. It’s the face he makes when something requires his entire attention, unperturbed and going at the pace he needs to finish what he started.

“Hm,” Kaoru says, partly because he’s thinking and partly because he shouldn’t open his still bleeding mouth.

“What?” Kojirou’s gaze never strays from Kaoru’s injury.

Kojirou takes Kaoru’s hand and guides it towards the compress placed on the corner of his mouth, and makes him apply pressure while the cleaning shifts to his ear. Kaoru’s lip isn’t bleeding as much as before, judging by the color of the compress that didn’t become completely red in five seconds, so he supposes talking shouldn’t make matters worse.

“Your precision is a bit surprising,” he admits, laughter in his voice. “I didn’t think you could be so calm while handling things that need careful maneuvering.”

“I’m not the one who can’t break eggs without dropping pieces of shell in them,” Kojirou snipes back.

Kaoru rolls his eyes. “Breaking eggs needs practicing, and I can still pick out the shell pieces if I really need to. If you poke someone in the wrong place while tending to their injuries then you’ll make it worse, moron.”

Kojirou is visibly putting all his efforts into remaining focused on his task, trying not to get riled up by Kaoru’s comments. It would be funny to watch, actually, if Kaoru wasn’t the one receiving treatment.

“I haven’t let you down yet, have I?” Kojirou asks.

And Kaoru can’t find anything scathing as an answer, staring at Kojirou’s bright eyes that never hide what he’s feeling.

“I suppose you haven’t, no,” Kaoru says lowly.

“You’re so much trouble, you know that?” Kojirou sighs.

But he finally meets Kaoru’s gaze and Kaoru is almost taken aback by the sincerity and raw emotion shining in it, like Kojirou is looking at a treasure he has locked behind a chest and kept the key close to his heart. Kaoru swallows.

“Not as much as you,” he replies with less bite than he intended.

“Says the one who is covered in bandages and band-aids.”

“I have to put up with your nonsense every day!”

“And I have to drag your ass back from whatever scuffle you get involved in!”

Kaoru shoves his hand in Kojirou’s face, and they start jostling each other, as if they weren’t being as still and cautious as possible to avoid complicating the process of patching Kaoru up. This familiarity, too, is something that will never change, no matter what happens—Kojirou has Kaoru’s back.

[reki-of-the-valley]

Vent post feel free to ignore me. Just gotta exteriorize a bit

But like...... I'm tired. I'm just so tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything feels heavy. And I know it's just an episode, that I'll feel okay in not too long, or maybe it will take some time, maybe I'll be tired for months, but rn? Heavy. And you can feel it in my writing. You can feel how heavy I feel. I never hide how I feel, I put that on display rather plainly because it helps me take steps forwards. Writing is an outlet for me. But it's also a mask. A mask to all my feelings. One step forward is one step back.

Things are rough rn. And I know I'm fortunate in life. I'm in uni, I'm studying something I should love, but it's just... Heavy. It's the only word I have today. It's the only word that feels adequate. A weight I want to get rid of but that's stuck on me.

What do I mean should love? Easy: I love literature. Despite what I say about being illiterate, I do genuinely love reading. I love finding pretty phases and words. I love feeling emotions that aren't mine but that are nonetheless real. I love being touched by an idea. I love reading because I hope, i sincerely hope that what I write can make someone else love reading. And you know when Langa asks Reki if he can be the only one who doesn't know how to ollie and Reki says sure but you won't really get anywhere if you don't learn? Yeah. I tried to do that but with reading. Be the only writer who doesn't read. I quickly learned that it doesn't work like that and i quickly learned that I do love literature. So I decided to major in it. Because I'm supposed to love it.

But studying something you love is not always.... It's heavy sometimes. It's heavy and mixed with my heavy anxiety... It's not a match made in heaven.

I am an extremely anxious person. I don't think I've ever hidden that about myself. I've always been rather honest about my anxiety and how I can get these fits of anxiety very suddenly and I can spiral into a panic very easily. It's something I know I have to deal with, that I've learned to manage even if it is hard to get out of my head sometimes. Hell, just posting fics causes a great deal of anxiety because of that fear of "what if it's terrible." Pleasure and anxiety somehow go hand in hand for me and it's weird. Weird but in the end, my panic does vanish and the happiness I find in sharing my stories comes out on top.

But anxiety is something exhausting. It's exhausting when there is no counter to it. So while I feel anxious every time I post to ao3, the feeling of happiness associated to telling stories and sharing them with all of you far outweighs the panic I feel, the spiralling, the what ifs. There's that counter, anxiety vs pleasure. For school... There is no counter. There's nothing to balance out the fear, the panic, the spiralling. And that's when I know it gets out of hand.

It's been awhile since I've felt this bad. It's been precisely 5 months since I've felt this heavy. I've had 5 months with minor panics, minor attacks, but outweighed by so many pleasing moments that they didn't mean anything to me. I didn't let them hurt me. Because I was doing something that genuinely felt amazing, like i was flying. Especially in the past 2 months.

Now I don't want to be overly sappy, but the Sk8 fandom has done wonders for me. I feel far more confident, I'm passionate about the boys, I have nearly 150 of you guys following me, there's fanart done about my shitposts and fics (I love you so much you don't understand how much those mean to me), and my writing has touched quite a bit of people. And sometimes it makes me cry because I've never had this much attention on me. And maybe it doesn't seem like much, but to me, it means the world. You guys mean the world to me. (I remember going through stories on insta the other day and seeing my fics being recced by an artist that I really look up to. I sobbed. Or sometimes I get notifs about people bookmarking my fics and I recognize the names and I'm just there like ??? How did this happen???)

So I had months of feeling uplifted, but now? Yeah, all of this still makes me feel great, but real life? Not so much. Real life sometimes I just want to quit it. Not in a death way, not anymore, but in a "I don't want to do anything anymore" way. Because it feels heavy. Feeling sick every time I have to get up, it feels heavy. Feeling nauseous as hold a novel, it's heavy. Feeling like shit, that choked up horrid feeling of illness that never really comes every time I open my computer, it's heavy. Anxiety is heavy. Fear of not preforming properly, of stumbling in my act of the perfect scholar, it's heavy. And today felt like my breaking point. Today was the worst I've felt in a long time. Today, anxiety induced illness pushed me to the point where I felt like I was going to pass out.

I don't remember what my point was when I started writing this 20 minutes ago. Maybe it was just to vent. Maybe it was a no filter moment, put all my thoughts down and hopefully feel better. Maybe it was just a moment of heaviness that felt too unbearable for me to keep it to myself, hide it within me like I've been routinely doing for the past 20 years (ok, fine, probably more like 8 years but whatever. I don't know when the anxiety really started to come up. I wan to say when I started high school and felt the need to top everyone. Compensate for something I was missing. Praise? Was that what I wanted? Was praise all I craved? Validation? Are those the things I seek when I out myself out there? I should know what I want but I'm ignorant to my own desires.) There was a reason for me to start this, but the reason I do not remember. Maybe I've just been too engulfed in my own misery. Maybe this moment will pass, that I'll move on to a new moment, one where I don't feel like utter shit. Maybe this is a way of trying to move forward. Maybe this is just the consequence of me writing for 12 hours about how confessions allow the confessor to breathe, rid themselves of their shame and begin life again. Maybe that's what I want. Maybe I just want to get rid of the shame I feel about my anxiety.

I don't know of this is coherent. I broke down crying halfway through it

[fantastic-rambles]

Fandom: Sk8 the Infinity

Characters: Shindo Ainosuke (Adam), Sakurayashiki Kaoru (Cherry Blossom), Nanjo Kojiro (Joe), Kikuchi Tadashi (Snake), Hasegawa Langa (Snow), Hasegawa Nanako (mentioned)

Warnings: Yakuza/Mafia/Gang, Mild Language

Word Count: 1.5k

Summary: Yakuza AU. When Langa is tricked by Nanjo into running up a huge bill at a club, Boss Shindo steps in to deal with it. Which means competing with Boss Sakurayashiki in a poker game. [NOTE: All characters are aged up by ~5 years. Mostly so Langa can drink and gamble. xD] [Part 1 mostly focuses on Adam and Joe. Part 2 (to come later, maybe on Day 8?) will mostly focus on Adam and Cherry.] [S Founder Trio Festival | Day 2: Gang]

When Ainosuke's phone vibrated, he glanced at the screen and the unregistered number before leaning back in his chair and picking up the call.

"Hey. How have you been?" he asked, his voice gentle. But an unfamiliar cackle emitted from the speaker, and he pulled the phone away from his ear, double-checking the number on the screen.

"Who is this? How did you get this phone? Ainosuke demanded after he replaced it to his ear. Of course, it was possible that there was a simple explanation for all of this: perhaps the phone had been dropped, and a Good Samaritan was calling a number in the contacts to try to return it. But in his line of business, it was always better to be safe than sorry.

"Yo, Shindo-san! We've got something here that we think is yours, so maybe you'd like to come pick it up? Here, gimme a sec. Can you see us?"

Ainosuke froze as he recognized the voice. With his heart sinking, he lowered his phone again, staring at the video being displayed on the screen.

A large, buff man in a white suit was sitting on a couch, his arm extending out of frame showing that he was the one taking the video. But his other arm was draped around a younger man in casual clothing. His companion didn't seem to be hurt or in any particular distress, but Ainosuke's hand clenched into a fist as he recognized him.

"So, yeah, see this kid?" Nanjo continued, unnecessarily dragging the phone closer to frame the other man better. "He ran up a pretty big bill and then tried to run off without paying. 400,000 yen! So of course we had to stop him, and he mentioned that he knew you, so I figured, well, maybe you could help him out?"

"Langa. Are you alright?" Ainosuke ignored Nanjo's blathering, his eyes fixed on Langa's through the screen.

"Huh? Yeah. Sorry about this, Ai," Langa replied, as unaffected as always. "I'm not sure what happened, though."

"Hey, did you hear me?" Nanjo interrupted, turning the screen away from Langa to focus on himself. "Who's going to take responsibility for this, Shindo-san? We run a business here, you know. If it was just a couple thousand yen, we could swallow the cost, but it's 400,000! 400,000!"

"I heard you the first time," Ainosuke snapped, irritated. He pulled his cigarette case from the pocket of his jacket, extracting one of the thin sticks and lighting up. The first lungful of smoke helped to settle the worst of his anger before he turned his attention back to the screen, scowling.

"And what I heard is that you trapped a katagi1 with bottakuri2, you swindler. How is one person going to run up a tab that high unless you're playing dirty tricks?"

But Nanjo just scoffed. "Don't try to take the moral high ground here, Shindo. You do the same thing in your shops. Besides, how can he be katagi if he's involved with you? So are you going to do anything about this, or are we gonna get the money out of this brat, one way or another?"

"You know I'm coming. Where the fuck are you?"

"I'm heading over to the main office now, with the kid. See you there!" Nanjo winked, and then the call cut off. With a snarl, Ainosuke slammed his fist down on his table next to the phone, but the heavy wood barely moved.

With sharp, jerky movements, Ainosuke replaced his phone in his pocket and straightened his tie before leaving the office, barely glancing at Tadashi as he bowed to the boss.

"Thank you for your hard work."

"Forget about that," Ainosuke snapped. "I need a ride to the Sakurayashiki main office."

Crisply, he began walking down the hallway as his wakagashira3 fell in step beside him. There was a faint trace of concern on Tadashi's usually expressionless face as he asked, "Should I call up some of our men?"

"No. It's not a raid. Just picking up something that belongs to me," Ainosuke replied with a scowl. Tadashi nodded, calling ahead to have a car prepared, though he slid into the driver's seat himself once they'd stepped out onto the street. As the city passed by outside his window, Ainosuke glared at it without seeing it, his mind working through what must have happened.

A girl--or a man, he supposed--grabbing Langa and dragging him into a club. Perhaps they'd even been told to keep an eye out for the young man with the pale blue hair, just to put Ainosuke in this situation. Keeping him there as they drank around him and tried to ply him with drinks--though Langa seemed sober enough on the call--and then presenting him with an exorbitant bill when he tried to leave.

It was a common enough scam, certainly, but Nanjo was wrong: Ainosuke didn't tolerate it in his clubs. At least, not anymore. The yakuza's power was waning, and as tourism increased, the police were beginning to crack down on that sort of behavior so that the area wouldn't gain a bad reputation. And it probably wouldn't be long until Sakurayashiki followed suit: his rival took a highly analytical and practical approach to business. He'd soon realize that dealing with the police wasn't worth the extra money the trick occasionally brought in when some of his clubs started getting investigated for extortion.

"We're here."

Ainosuke looked up as Tadashi slid smoothly into a space by the curb, waiting for the other man to open the door for him before he stepped out, straightening his suit jacket. Sighing, he looked up at the nondescript office building before walking inside with Tadashi on his heels.

At this hour, it seemed like most of the members were gone, which was fortunate. He didn't have to deal with all the macho posturing that typically came with stepping into someone else's territory, even though he'd been issued an invitation. Even so, his anger simmered silently below the surface as they stepped into the sleek, mirrored elevators and pressed the button for the top floor.

And then his shoes were clicking against the immaculately polished floor as he strode down the hallway, pushing open a pair of chrome and glass doors. His eyes flicked around the room quickly, taking in the pink-haired man sitting behind a fancy, futuristic-looking desk, his green-haired goon standing just behind him, and Langa, sitting on a couch against the wall.

"Alright, I'm here to settle that damn bill," he snapped at Nanjo as he raised his arm outward and slightly to the side. At the unspoken invitation, Langa slid off the couch to stand next to him, allowing Ainosuke to drape an arm over his shoulders possessively.

"About that." Sakurayashiki was frowning slightly, and Ainosuke turned his gaze toward the other boss.

"Nanjo was wrong to do what he did, but it still stands that the costs for the drinks were incurred. I don't want any bad blood between us, so I'd like to at least offer you a chance to cancel this debt."

Ainosuke's eyes narrowed, but he nodded his head slightly. "Go on."

"You see, there's a small poker tournament in Macau next week. It's nothing serious, just a social gathering for my group. The buy-in is just 1000 HKD, or about 14,000 yen. Whichever of us gets knocked out first will shoulder the bill, sound fair?"

Ainosuke considered it for half a second. "No. I'm not going to play with your family. Here's my offer. We go to Macau and agree on a table when we get there. We'll settle it honestly, or Langa can just go to the police to report Nanjo's business."

Sakurayashiki sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Alright, I got it. Next Saturday, then? Call me when you get there."

Ainosuke nodded, then turned on his heel to leave, steering Langa out with him as Tadashi followed them silently.

"Sorry, Ai," Langa apologized again once the transparent doors had closed behind them, but Ainosuke shook his head.

"It isn't your fault. I didn't think they'd use you to try to get to me. You don't feel weird or anything, right?"

"I'm fine."

"That's good. I'll see you home anyways. Your mother must be worried."

Although he tried to present a calm facade so as not to worry Langa, inside, Ainosuke was furious. He'd intentionally decided not to marry Nanako to try to protect her and her son from this side of his life, and yet, Nanjo had so easily stepped over the line between the legal and illegal. Of course, they'd all been aware of the risks of the relationship, but he didn't tell them anything about his work when he visited them so that they would hopefully be left alone. And this was so incredibly petty: it wasn't like there was a territorial dispute or the need to compensate for a killing where a hostage might be useful. No, just to harass him, they'd involved someone innocent.

"Ai?"

He realized that his arm around Langa's shoulders was holding the boy too tightly, and he forced himself to relax as they walked out of the building and to the car.

"So, are you interested in seeing Macau?" he asked as he held the door open for the boy to get in.

1katagi: non-yakuza 2bottakuri: bait-and-switch 3wakagashira: first lieutenant

[sparkywanderer]

Parallels in SK8 The Infinity: Why Renga will (probably) get a happy ending

So uh. I had a ton of thoughts after the recent episode. So I wrote a thing about parallels and stuff and not gonna lie it’s kinda long (I get sidetracked like 5 times and have not edited this to be concise so it’s really bad???). Here it is, though, if you would like to read my rambling anyway!

Spoilers for Episode 8

Sk8 really likes its parallels. Whether it be how many times it likes to group Langa and Adam together as the “talented ones” or equals or whatever, or how the writers put Cherry/Joe and Adam’s separation with Langa and Reki’s in episode 7 practically back-to-back, it’s clear that they’re all tied up together in some specific way. Not only that, but Miya’s story of losing his friends due to his skateboarding talents rings eerily similar situation-wise to how Reki isolates himself from Langa due to the latter’s talents (though of course there are major differences and such, but other posts could probably explain way better than me so let’s ignore that for now).

Episode 8 adds another parallel to the mix with the reveal that Tadashi actually taught Adam skateboarding in the first place, because well, guess who taught Langa skateboarding? Guess who else enables the skateboarding of someone else, in Tadashi’s case handling Adam’s other work as a secretary and driving him in/out of S, and in Reki’s case building a skateboard for Langa? And not only that, but guess who else is compared to a dog (albeit more for the sake of a bet than anything)? Think back to the whole bet with Miya.

(I think there’s a manga panel that shows that Langa sorta thinks of Reki as similar to one too, but I’m too lazy to find it tbh)

Tadashi and Adam’s relationship is still a little unclear from episode 8, so there definitely could be more of these parallels, but what we do know is this: these are both pairs that were very, very close, sharing a mutual love for skateboarding, before eventually drifting apart as one became far more engrossed in the sport than the other to the point of danger. The writers portray this through Langa’s incredibly high speeds in Episode 7, and the flashbacks of Adam getting into highly dangerous situations with other people which cause them to get badly injured. Both of them don’t fear the thrill of this wild style of skateboarding, enjoy it even, while others like Reki, Cherry Blossom and Joe clearly do-- setting them apart as similar people, as Adam remarks. Langa mirrors Adam and Reki mirrors Tadashi, which bleeds into their equally mirrored relationships. 

Going more in depth on Reki and Tadashi specifically, both of them are not the best at communicating their feelings. In Reki’s case, he bottles up all of his doubts and anxieties about his relationship with Langa until they eventually culminate into one scene and force them apart. In Tadashi’s, he doesn’t stand up against Adam’s father about letting him continue to skateboard even when he clearly wishes to. They’re different, of course, but both of them are clearly the type to put a mask over how they actually feel: in Reki’s case with an “It’s nothing!”, and in Tadashi’s case with an “I have no opinions”. 

(One of the few times smiling Reki brings me Suffering instead of serotonin)

But what’s the point of this all? What’s the point of drawing out all these random connections between Adam and Langa, and Tadashi and Reki? The purpose isn’t showing the similarities, but the differences. Given everything that’s similar, it’s a lot easier to see what’s distinct, and in my opinion that is what will ultimately set these two relationships apart.

Because here’s the thing: Langa actually cares about Reki. Even if they’re so different in terms of skateboarding skill level (which is not necessarily true, but that’s a whole other thing), Langa cares enough about Reki to not leave him behind. The writers blatantly show this in Episode 6, when Langa stays behind and looks for Reki despite the tantalizing offer of a race with a bunch of very talented skaters right in front of him. (It could be argued that he DOES take the offer instead of focusing on Reki by breaking the promise with Reki in episode 7, but the thing is he also assumes Reki will understand and still support him, clearly surprised at his reaction, so it’s not really the same.)

Meanwhile, just think about what Adam does to Tadashi when he’s so focused on his stupid tournament, in contrast. Using him as a scapegoat for his own goals with no shame whatsoever.

(someone free this man. someone free this man please)

Not only that, though, but his passion for skateboarding isn’t just in the sport itself, but a major part of it is the people he spends time with. Before with snowboarding, it was his father, and when he was gone Langa stopped finding joy in that sport altogether. And now it’s Reki who’s gone, and he’s quickly realizing skateboarding that no longer brings the same thrill that it used to-- as made evident with the sudden shift to snowboarding in that scene, and the absence of his heart beating quickly, which could represent a lot of things but the point is he’s not having fun. Oh wait, that's another parallel.

On the other hand, Adam accepts that he’ll leave some people behind with his talents, dismissing them as unworthy rather than taking the time to actually try and recognize any flaws within himself or his way of thinking. This is perfectly exemplified in the first scene of Episode 8, where he shows little to no concern whatsoever over someone he’d been considering a possible match just a couple of seconds ago. Because it’s as he says: to him, when the perceived “distance” between two people is too great, to the point where it is “unreachable” for one of them, there can be no “real love”.

(oh yeah they both have blue hair too i guess)

But remember, Langa’s not like that. He isn’t willing to so easily give up on Reki like that, as seen with how he consults his mother for advice and still constantly checks to see if he’s there to talk to. He’s not going to so callously give up on him like Adam does with those he skates with, because his version of love isn’t nearly as twisted as his. Instead, he’s going to try and fix things, “repent and make efforts” (though of course neither of them are entirely at fault here), and communicate, as foreshadowed by the latest episode.

Reki, on the other hand, doesn’t show as many signs of wanting to try and reconnect with Langa, as of Episode 8 anyway. But I still have faith in him, because he seems to be having some doubts given his actions-- and more than that, remember what Cherry was talking about when he found him, words that he probably at least kind of listened to! Eventually he’s going to realize that he’s cut off a really good relationship for the wrong reasons, and he’ll have to apply some of these teachings and make efforts to actually communicate once he begins to realize it.

(Also, just take a moment to appreciate the bi calligraphy.)

So what can we take away from all this? Adam said Langa was the same type of person as himself. And sure, maybe that’s true in some ways, but it’s not entirely, and if the anime wants to have any clear thematic messages about relationships, it will most definitely reflect the results of their differences one way or another. At the very least, Reki and Langa will not turn out like Adam and Tadashi did. Because what’s the purpose of constantly comparing and contrasting characters in eerily similar situations, if their differences don’t have any actual effect on the story and the message that it’s ultimately attempting to convey, especially in a short 12 episode anime?

But anyways, if you actually did read this far for some reason, thank you! If I missed anything, you wanna add anything else, or just idk talk about this anime in general, let me know :D

(TLDR: Adam and Langa are sort of similar but also really different because the latter cares for Reki, so therefore this is yet another sports anime that will probably be about the power of friendship/love, and I Pretend I Do Not See whatever death flags there are for Langa I DO NOT SEE THEM!!!) 

[michi-chelle-draws]

2021!

According to my Year in Review, I made 76 posts this year, so it was definitely a better year for art than last year was. JJBA and SK8 the Infinity really helped me out of my 2020 slump. <3

For the first time since high school where I would doodle in my planner during boring classes, I felt as though drawing was a form of escape for me. I never really looked at drawing as a stress-reliever, sometimes it’s the source of my stress. But this year I would draw while I procrastinated and ignored responsibilities. I felt too inspired by the media I consumed this year and too bogged down by senioritis lol.

I barely made it to graduation, and I’m currently a below-average adult, in a way different situation than I had anticipated. And in the second half of the year I was struggling with a lot more self-hatred, hopelessness, apathy, and unwarranted guilt than usual (well still am). But anyway through all that I really had drawing to fall back on. Like I mentioned in my Inktober video, it’s the one thing that I’m genuinely doing for fun and not for self-improvement or to fulfill any sort of expectation. Even though it’s completely useless. It’s not something to add to my resume, and it’s not something cool or interesting to tell family, friends, and employers when they ask what I’ve been up to the past 6 months.

And I felt like it was an okay year in terms of drawing. Didn’t really improve or make any drastic changes. But I felt like, overall, drawing was almost effortless. Like for the most part I didn’t have to fight with my sketchbook. And if a drawing didn’t work out I just moved onto the next one. I wouldn’t say I’m super happy with the current state of my art, but I don’t hate it either. I’m hmmm okay with it. Idk it’s strange.

I completed Inktober for the first time this year, and dedicated the challenge to making original art, which I rarely do. I’m actually proud of myself for finishing the challenge, because even though I had a lot of time on my hands, it’s hard to build a drawing habit especially on days when you don’t feel like drawing.

I also uploaded 4 art videos on my YouTube and they’re somewhat different from one another: a regular speedpaint, a speedpaint of one of my whiteboard drawings, a speedpaint using a new tool, and a sketchbook flipthrough. I even tried doing voiceover videos. I wish I had more opportunities to make videos, I definitely want to make more next year. I think my ideal would be maybe 5 or 6 videos a year…?

So yeah. Overall, pretty good art year even if it wasn’t the best for my personal and professional life. I don’t have any goals or resolutions for 2022, except maybe! Maybeeeee I can table at AnimeNYC……..? Idk tho I have to figure out how to make prints and shit and actually put in effort to put myself out there but. I’m lazy lmao. Idk I like posting art on Tumblr where people think it’s a graveyard over here, Instagram and Twitter are way too scary lolol. Well we’ll see what happens. And of course I want to get better at drawing hands and backgrounds. The usual lol.

Thank you for supporting me this year! If you liked, reblogged (I read all the tags and they make my day), replied, submitted an ask, looked at a drawing and say “I don’t know what this is but it’s not bad,” thank you! <3 And if you read this far, I’m super grateful for you! Here’s to 2022!