#yeah i do have internalised transphobia im sorry im trying. i had terrible internalised homophobia as a kid too. im sorry. i don’t take it

[sammygender]

i’m so upset. lol. sometimes i just get so upset because i didn’t sign up for this (this as in having crippling gender dysphoria) and yet everyone treats me like i did. im sorry im sorry ok i would love to be a normal girl and to be okay like that. i would love it if my only options weren’t transition or slowly die. nobody around me cares at all i have maybe one singular friend who thinks of me as a guy and the worst part is i’m surrounded by so much insane transphobia that i can’t blame the ones who don’t. it’s wormed itself into my head that i’m just a stupid delusional girl and it’s my fault if people don’t gender me as male but im trying as hard as i physically possibly can how much more can i restrict myself??? and my ex girlfriend is maybe the only person who ever truly saw me as a person and sure she made me suffer but she was real and mine and now she’s gone forever and will never see me as a person ever again she might see me as a guy still but not as a human person. and im so upset because my friend of 5+ years respects but doesn’t support my existence and that means she sees me as a girl, still. and i cant blame her because what fucking right do i have to say im otherwise? my moms fucking words have wormed themselves into my brain and now i just cry about not being seen as a guy when i know that to cis people guy is synonymous with amab and male and nothing i do will change that im stick in this fucking tortuous prison and i cant even transition medically for another year and a half and it’ll eat up all my savings and i’m failing school. i want to go back a year ago so badly please. everything gets worse all the time i keep telling people it doesn’t but i am a liar. i would do ANYTHING to be cis. anything at all