#yea im a writer babyyyyyy

[judasgot-it]

Early Sunsets Over Yokohama

Early Sunsets Over Monroeville - My Chemical Romance

What Once Was - Her's

Part 1

Scenario: He found you.

1.2 k words

Dazai was terrified for once in his life.

The comforting thought of death was something that he had used to protect himself - he could imagine everyone in his life dying because he knew that when they did, he didn't want to cry.

It helped when he had lost people in other ways. He had lost them through breakups, drifting apart...

They were all natural.

So he would imagine that they would die in horrific and disgusting ways, far too vile to speak of. He would kill them in his head in order to protect himself.

But he didn't know where to start if he had ever lost you.

You were the only exception to this rule.

Dazai tried so many times to imagine your death - to kill you in his head, to destroy your image, to distance himself. Just to gain some control over his own self.

It never worked. He would lose himself if you died.

He was living for you, and he couldn't even tell it to you.

The one person who knew everything.

If he couldn't find you, protect you, and know you were alive - he wouldn't survive. His heart might not make it past that heartbreak.

But he forced himself to push that human fear, to find you and know that you were alive.

The ADA wanted you alive as well.

It had been days of searching, after the disaster of what had happened at the airport.

Maybe it was weeks. It was impossible to know the time anymore, as he hadn't moved the calendar from the last date you had marked down.

Your life seemed to have ended since he had been arrested. The day he had proposed to you.

That was when you stopped marking down the dates so meticulously, and instead filled your shared apartment with work and caffeine.

Up until the day of the event, you had been working tirelessly. And then you had disappeared - leaving behind an unfinished bottle of whiskey, a spoiled convenience store bento box, and a letter of encouragement from Kenji.

As much as you tried, it seemed Dazai had rubbed off too much on you. He wanted to laugh at the thought.

Dazai didn't sleep unless his body shut down. The man couldn't even walk, but all he did was force his weak body to think and listen to reports and read documents from all over Japan.

You both had become the same when the other was absent - although Dazai found that instead of one bottle of whiskey, it was three. And you had never bothered to touch the suspicious pills he kept.

He was running on those more than food. Dazai couldn't ever finish his meals before they went stale or bad, so he stuck with a single can of food a day, or half of whatever he was forced to eat in the office.

Life was bleakest in that period - however long it was.

Maybe a month? The weather had changed very little, but time felt like it had passed for an eternity.

He would end up finding you in a small abandoned bus station, like a pawn that was thrown across the board. A very random place to end up, in his opinion.

There was nothing valuable there.

It was impossible to understand how you ended up there - no buses even went there, and the walk to that station was nearly impossible.

But actually thinking about the logistics of your reappearance was something Dazai wanted to not care about for once in his life. Even if you were looking at him, terrified that you weren't the same person as before.

No one understood how it happened. Not even you.

You were suffering from severe memory loss, but it might have been a good thing - you had shown up in that spot with injuries and severe fatigue. It was possible you had crawled your way to that spot, but it didn't seem like you had left a trail there for very long.

The ADA wanted to know what had happened - day and night they would question you, driving through the same points to figure out where you had been, and what could have been done to you.

But Dazai didn't care. He didn't think.

You were here.

All he would do is hold you in his arms, ever since he saw you - dirty from trekking in the mud of the wet woods, and smelling from the days without showering, and he would simply kiss you with abandon.

You tasted terrible, with fuzzy teeth and oily hair. And he fucking loved it.

It was you. All you, here, in that moment, with him.

Since then, he only ever saw you.

In your shared apartment, Dazai couldn't bring himself to ask you:

'What happened?'

All he would do is swaddle you in blankets and hold you in his lap. His arms would wrap around your sides and he would cradle you between his thighs, as if trying to trap you in a cacoon made entirely of his limbs.

Not once did you ask him a question:

'How was prison? How was defeating Fyodor?'

It was as if all of that didn't exist to either of you anymore.

There was no war between the two of you. No abilities, no missing time - the calendar wasn't missing any X's and it didn't have a distinct lack of your handwriting across it.

Everything was the same. The air smelt like alcohol and mold; dirty hair and mud. But it smelt like home.

Dazai could smell you underneath everything, and he could still taste you despite the whiskey on his breath. Everything was familiar, despite the changes.

Even if you lost your face, he was sure he was going to remember what you looked like - the way you were looking up at him was something that had been burned into his mind, something that chased him in his dreams.

There was a small feeling Dazai had, where he wanted to lock you in this room and never let you go. To handcuff your wrist to his, and keep you by his side so he could never let you go.

The best he could do was pull you closer, feeling your ribs contract against his hold as you struggled to breathe in his hold, giggling as if he were being playful.

He would let you think that. Your hands were pulling at his greasy hair, and he played along - hiding his face in your neck so you didn't know that if he let go right now, he just might have to eat you so you never left him again.

Fyodor almost won.

"Dazai, are you alright?" You were pulled at the back of his hair by the handful, your knuckles the first thing to touch his scalp in weeks. God, he needed a shower.

Simply sighing, he brushed his nose against the back of your neck, kissing your spine and smiling as your breath stuttered. You were like a virgin underneath him, even when you were both a disgusting mess like this.

"Just thinking about how much I wanna marry you." If he could, he would wear your skin and die in his grave like that - there would be no other way to be closer.

But the ring on your finger was close enough. He thought a lot about that when you were gone. He knew you did too.

"We should do it soon."

"It?"

Your hand pulled harder, making Dazai wince a little. Of course, you were going to be mean about it.

"Get married, asshole." There's an ending to that - 'because we almost lost each other.' But neither of you were brave enough to talk about it now.

Maybe not ever. This already was a big statement.

There wasn't much of a conversation to be had about it. Not now, at least.

Dazai was sure he was going crazy a little bit, trying to choke you in his arms while still running on nothing but the takeout he had in the car - a meal he only ate half of, given he shared it with you.

His skin was disgusting, and the apartment was disgusting. For once, the dirt he usually surrounded himself with was bothering him.

Maybe he needed to be better for you now.

Before he realized it, he was staring at his dark ceiling, illuminated only by his small box TV and your face looking right above him. The lighting was a little scary - making you look more like a creature from a horror film than the angel he knew.

But your matted hair and tired eyes weren't exactly giving an 'angelic glow' either.

"We should sleep"

Dazai only hummed along, his hands feeling your curves and pulling you down towards him, trying to absorb your skin onto his - if he was a little more mental, he would have skinned you and eaten every part of you now.

Never let you get away from him.

But as your hands and body shifted around, trying to make his skinny frame more comfortable, he could feel the ring he gave you catching on his ratty old pajamas. It was going to have to be close enough, he supposed.

For the people who wanted a pt. 2 -> @aquaberrydolphin @skelkitty @queen-of-fanfic, this was so off the tracks but like we yolo this shit