#ye young lady who I know has been on tinder for 6+ years let's get serious about this

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I’m over it but how much more insane would it be if I was just sending normal messages every once in a while

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Giving Up On Love: 9 Proven Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Do It

UGGG! You’re sick to death of dead-end dating and have decided that you’re giving up on love altogether.

Before you do, Sexy Confident lady, do me a favor and read this article first. I understand your frustration. The older you are, the harder it can seem to find a man worthy of your amazing self. But don’t give up on love! You just need a little patience and inspiration to keep looking.

What is The Real Meaning of Love?

via GIPHY

If you’re like most women, you grew up being taught that true love involved a man saying “as you wish” to your every request (“Princess Bride”), making romantic gestures like playing a meaningful song outside your window on a boom box (“Say Anything”) and rescuing you from a life of prostitution to make you a modern-day princess (“Pretty Woman”).

Er…scratch that last one. But you get my point.

Women have been fed this fairytale myth of what love is, and it frustrates me to no end because they’re left having unrealistic expectations about what love really is.

Now, I’m not saying that love isn’t magical and wonderful, but realize that movies are fiction, and you can’t expect your life to play out like a rom-com starring Jennifer Aniston. Those movies tend to focus on the first stage of love anyway, the attraction and romance stage, when what comes next is so much better, in my mind.

To me, the real meaning of love is what happens once the dust has settled. When those butterflies in your stomach have subsided…just a little bit. When you know that this person is a true, reliable partner for life. When you can be your most authentic self.

Certainly, everyone’s definition of love will be a little different, but consider whether you’ve been operating under the idea of a false sense of love fed to you by the media and whether those unrealistic expectations might be blocking you from actually finding love.

Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love

It’s absolutely normal and acceptable to want to take a hiatus from dating for a while. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Looking for a great guy is a bit like applying for the perfect job, especially if you’re looking on dating apps. You look, find a few that seem promising, and swipe right or click the heart. Then you wait to hear back. Probably you don’t.

If you do get a message, the conversation may fizzle out before it really begins. Or maybe you actually meet the guy, and there’s no chemistry.

If there is chemistry, there’s still no guarantee that you’re compatible long-term.

So, yea, just like searching for and applying for the perfect job, dating can be pretty freaking exhausting with no positive results.

At least…that’s how it can seem from your perspective. But if you look at the big picture, things might be a bit different.

Let’s say you got divorced two years ago, and a year ago, you started dating in earnest. You talked to countless guys online, met a few in person, and went on a dozen or so dates. Of those dates, maybe one or two ended up being something that lasted for a few weeks or months.

While those might not have ended up being The One, they at least gave you practice in what it’s like to date now, after 40. A year of dating and a few short relationships is pretty good, in my book. Yes, you’re looking for that one lasting love, but really, did you expect it to be so easy? Isn’t true love worth waiting for?

Trust me: you don’t want to rush it or end up convincing yourself that the wrong guy is actually Mr. Right. Be picky. He’ll come.

Here are a few reasons why you should never, ever give up on love.

1. You’re Not Alone

While you may feel like the last single person on the planet, you’re far from it. In fact, 44% of the adult American population is single. And more and more women are choosing to live a single life.

If your circle of friends consists of married women and ladies in relationships, consider expanding your circle to spend more time with other single women. You’ll find people who understand the lure of giving up on dating and relationships, and they’ll be there to support you because they’ve been there themselves.

2. Love Doesn’t Happen Overnight

You’re used to getting what you want when you want it, but I’m sorry to tell you: love doesn’t work that way. Finding it requires a ton of patience, and that isn’t easy to have.

When you were in your 20s, maybe you fell in love easily. But how did that work out for you? I’m guessing not so well.

Now you’re pickier about who you fall in love with, and admittedly, the pool is much smaller. You may be divorced and a bit reluctant to open up your heart and trust someone again so soon. You may know exactly what you want and be unwilling to compromise until you find it (good for you!).

That means that finding love is going to take a while.

Look at it like this: even if today you met The One, it might be months before you realized he was it. So you proceed like always, slowly getting to know this man and trust him. There’s no love at first sight. You need to take your time in the process.

Enjoy it.

3. You Might Be Too Picky

via GIPHY

In the years I’ve spent coaching hundreds of women to finding a happy, committed relationship, I’ve seen this over and over: sometimes women are too picky.

Yes, you need to be selective. If you know you want an intellectual guy, then a “bro” is likely not for you.

But there’s a difference between being selective and being overly picky.

If you’re still trying to find that mythical version of love I talked about at the beginning of the article, you’re going to be disappointed. You’ll vow that you’re giving up on love because it doesn’t exist.

But it does…you just have to loosen up your expectations.

I’m not saying you have to settle. But consider what you envision as your ideal mate. If you’ve made a list of what you’re looking for, is it overly detailed like this:

He will make $200,000 a year

His favorite color will be blue

He will be 6′ 3″, dark hair, green eyes

He will speak Swahili

Loosen up those expectations, lady! You may have met the guy that’s right for you, but because he didn’t fit your very exact specifications, you didn’t even look his way.  Let go of trying to prescribe exactly what you want and focus on the high-level features:

He will be a good communicator

We will have things in common

He will make me laugh

His job, his looks, where he lives…none of that really matters if you love him. Am I right?

4. You Might Be Dating The Wrong Type of Men

Think back to the last few men you went out with. Was there a common denominator among them?

Maybe they were all commitment-phobes.

Or married.

Or young and immature.

So you ask yourself, “why do I keep dating the wrong type of men?”

Sometimes you get in a rut. You date one bad-boy motorcycle gang guy and you get used to it…so you date another.

Sometimes you’re actually afraid of opening up to the kind of man you will actually fall for (even though you tell yourself you’re ready for love).

Sometimes you just don’t think you can do better.

I’m going to challenge you here. Rather than giving up on love, I want you to break the mold. If you only date engineers who can’t open up to you, make sure the next guy is the polar opposite, like an artist.

Even if that guy isn’t The One, you will at least see what breaking your patterns feels like.

5. Love Isn’t an Easy Thing

There’s no roadmap to love, but sometimes there are bumps in the road.

It’s quite possible that you’ve found love in the past, but because it was challenging, you found yourself giving up on love before it fully had time to blossom.

Love isn’t easy. It’s messy and complicated. You will argue with this man. He will hurt you. You will hurt him. But in the long run, the feeling you have for him will make up for the small obstacles you face. And you’ll face them together.

So if you expect love to be butterflies and moonlight, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth seeking and holding onto. You just have to be willing to give it your all and make it thrive.

6. Trying Too Hard To Find Love Can Make It More Difficult To Find It

Maybe one of the reasons you’re giving up on love is that it just seems impossible to find.

“Adam, I put in a TON of energy into finding love. It’s just not there. No way.”

I know it’s counterintuitive, but sometimes when you try too hard, you push away the very thing you seek.

Let’s look at the Law of Attraction for a moment. The basic tenet is that you get back what you put out to the Universe. So you say,

“Oh Universe, I am so lonely. I NEED a man in my life. I WANT one so bad!”

All the Universe hears is “I am so lonely.”

Your desperation pushes away the love you seek. The Universe thinks you’re asking for more loneliness…and so gives it to you.

I encourage you to take a break from all the love-hunting you’re doing and just be right with yourself. Spend time nurturing you. Put down the phone and Tinder app and read a good book. Go out with girlfriends rather than reserving your Friday night for a potential date that doesn’t happen.

Forget about wanting to fall in love.

Because that is exactly when it will happen.

7. You’re Depriving Someone of Your Greatness

Don’t deprive some great guy out there of your wonderfulness!

Ya know, deciding that you’re giving up on love is kinda selfish, if you think about it. Because you’ve decided not to allow the possibility of love into your life, someone out there is also not receiving love. That man that is the one for you isn’t getting the benefit of your amazing self.

A relationship involves two people. You’re not the only one to reap the benefits of love. Somewhere out there is a man who is just as eager to find you as you are him. If you give up now, he’ll never find you. And that’s simply not fair!

8. Love Can Help You Learn More About Yourself

Another reason to resist giving up on love is that both the pursuit of love and actually being in it can teach you a lot about who you are.

Let’s first look at the pursuit of love. Being alone gives you the time and space to reflect on who you are and what you want. Are you the kind of person who will settle for a Good Enough relationship just to avoid being alone (NO!)? Or can you settle into being okay in your own company until you’re in a relationship with someone?

Being alone has a ton of benefits, including increased productivity and creativity. When you’re dating or in a relationship, you sometimes miss out on always doing what you want or having time to just think. Solitude brings you that, so rather than fearing being alone, try embracing it.

And when you do find love — which you will, I promise — you learn even more about yourself. You learn what you’re like as a partner, particularly to this specific person. Maybe you were one way with your ex (suspicious and nagging), but now you realize that was just who you were with him. With a partner you truly love and respect, you’re a better version of yourself. You might even be surprised at how amazing you feel and are, simply because you’re in love.

9. Love Can Bring Amazing Experiences and Happiness

Not giving up on love will change your life for the better.

Whether you’ve been in love before or never have, I guarantee it’s worth waiting for. You can’t in this moment fathom how much being in love will open up your world and your heart…but it will.

Right now you’re feeling sorry for yourself because you’ve dated guys who in no way were right for you. You probably tried to convince yourself once or twice that some of them were. But until you actually experience love, you can’t know what you’re missing.

So you’ll have to take it from me. Your life is about to unfold in incredible ways you never imagined possible. And once that happens, you’ll laugh when you remember back when you considered giving up on love and be glad that you didn’t.

So be willing to take a few bumps in the road now because your journey is going to get so much smoother in just a short time. Be patient. Be open.

Conclusion: Giving Up on Love Isn’t Really What You Want or Need

Deep down, you believe you will find true love. I know you do, or you wouldn’t be here.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. I get that. But realize you have the power to turn it on and off.

If you don’t have the energy to have the whole getting-to-know-you conversation with another guy right now, take yourself off the market for a while. Delete those dating apps and date yourself.

What I mean by that is: instead of waiting around for another human being to make you happy, start making yourself happy. Instead of building plans around an unknown future, make plans now for you.

If you’ve avoided buying a house because you want to wait until you get married, hop on Zillow and find the perfect house for you. That doesn’t mean you’re giving up on love. It means you’re prioritizing yourself right now.

If you sit at the coffee shop every day, hoping to catch the eye of a cute guy, go for a hike on your own and just be grateful for the wonderful life you have…regardless of whether there’s a man in it.

The more happy and fulfilled you are on your own, the more likely you are to attract love. As soon as you take your focus away from it, you’ll find it.

It’s silly, but that’s how it works.

So let’s get rid of this “giving up on love” attitude and simply shift your focus to making yourself as happy as you can be. Because you don’t need a man to be happy.

How do you cope when you feel like giving up on love? Share your frustrations with the Sexy Confidence community in the comments below.

A little boost never hurt in finding the man of your dreams. Sign up for my Attract the One webinar today and get tips on how to get the right man to emotionally chase you.

The post Giving Up On Love: 9 Proven Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Do It appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

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Sometimes you have to get advice from friends. Photo by T’Keyah Jones.

Remember childhood schooldays when someone special caught your attention? Whether it was their hair, style, snacks they brought from home, or the cute way they smiled, this person stood out.

Did you express your feelings with a note asking, “Do you like me? Check one: Yes or No.”

Now, you can just text, email or DM (direct message) someone without meeting them until you’re ready. Dating has changed.

Let’s address exactly what dating is. The definition of dating is “a stage of romance between two people.” But when you ask a person what dating is, some say, “Being involved with someone and hanging out with them.”

They give examples: “Like you’re with someone that gives you flowers and buys you stuff like clothes, perfume/cologne or whatever.”

We all like receiving gifts, admiration and appreciation from our significant other, but is dating that simple?

Study dates show that you support and encourage your partner. Photo by T’Keyah Jones

Before social media, guys and girls would actually have to run into each other at school, in a store, at a movie, at a park or while hanging out with friends.

One would initiate a conversation, and the two would sit down face to face conversing about any number of topics (i.e. extracurricular activities, hobbies, music).

The conversation allowed you to find out things about each other and determine if you actually saw a future relationship with this person.

Now, in the digital age, all you have to do to find out about a person is identify them on any social media platform (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat.)

You can even go a step further and join dating apps (i.e. Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel) for a casual hookup or meet new people for a serious relationship, all from your fingertips, so you don’t have to leave home.

Today, there’s a new phase used to define a relationship between two people, “Oh, we talk.”

This phrase makes no sense to many people and is often thought of as just another way of saying, “He/she is just a friend.” It’s an ambiguous statement that can show immaturity.

It’s why many men and women go online, read magazines and go to bookstores looking for self-help articles on dating and how to make their relationship better. But we have to know there is a relationship first.

Commitment, ladies and gentlemen, is the glue that solidifies dating. Whether you’re old school or new school, a majority of the population still values monogamy as one of the most essential necessities in dating.

Years ago, if a guy was lucky enough to earn a girl’s phone number and call, he would have to talk to the parent(s)/guardian(s) of the girl and answer the big question, “What are your intentions with my daughter?” with an honest answer.

Now, meeting the parents has become something that the boyfriend/girlfriend has to work for because it really intensifies the meaning of your relationship when reaching the next level.

“I remember that when I first started dating my then girlfriend, now wife Kelly,” my friend Jim Weathers recalled, “I had to meet her father, and he treated her like a princess.

“So when he heard that a knucklehead wanted to date his daughter, he told her to tell me to come by their house at 6 p.m. on Thursday for a family dinner.

“I went, and when he opened the door, I saw a shotgun by his chair and thought to myself ‘Oh God, I’m gonna die.’ Then I just told him the truth about what I really liked about Kelly and why I wanted to date her. After, he just stared at me and told me if I screwed this up, he would hunt me down and kill me.”

Now, Jim applies the same lessons to his granddaughters’ love lives with each young man who tries to date them. He makes the young men dress with dignity and look like a gentleman for dates.

The first date makes or breaks the relationship. Figuring out the perfect date and time, outfit, shoes, accessories, hairstyle and the right perfume/cologne is all part of the first impression.

Coffee break and fresh air. Photo by T’Keyah Jones.

Dates once were Sunday morning walks, carnivals, going to an old-fashioned diner or on a picnic. It was a way to be immersed in the world together, sharing thoughts, ideas, laughs, tears, smiles and enjoying each other’s company.

Now, it’s difficult to go on an “unplugged” date without hearing about who Tweeted this, who shared that, whether this person should have used that filter, the outfit someone wore last night to a party or wanting to post a selfie of the actual date.

Of course, letting others know you’re enjoying the date is great, but it’s also a sign of disrespect to your date because the date is supposed to be about the two of you connecting.

Dating is challenging and takes hard work, but what doesn’t? Whether you’re sitting in the same room together or oceans apart, one has to ask if they are really ready to date, because dating means putting your significant other before yourself, working as partners, sharing secrets and being honest.

It means admitting when you are wrong, being their safe place, pushing each other to achieve goals, dealing with each other’s stubbornness, correcting each other and respecting each other.

If dating was easy, there wouldn’t be any post-breakup songs like Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor,” Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood,” Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone,” Usher’s “U Don’t Have to Call” and Halsey’s “S.O.S” to name a few.

Just like receiving a high school diploma and/or college degree, or getting that great job promotion, you have to be alert, actively listening and unplug from the virtual world when dating.

By T’Keyah Jones

Read more stories like this on Oxford Stories.

For questions or comments, email hottytoddynews@gmail.com.

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