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the-illiterate-pirate · 2 years ago

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I suppose I can publish this a little early hehe

Happy Valentine's Day, you love birds! I come baring a special gift, very indulgent and dedicated to a friend, but I wanted to share it with everyone. Hope you enjoy! <3

Cupid's Chokehold

Warnings and Notes: fem!reader, mentions of eating food (specifically pork) near the end, negative thoughts towards the reader, maybe not the most yandere piece you'll read but warnings still apply for violence and blood, but mostly fluff. And finally CHUBBY VALENTINE SUPREMACY

The president's mood was lifted immensely when you were in the room with him. Even when you were doing something as childish as taking enjoyment from the fat in his cheeks.

He allowed you to sit with him in his chair, feet kicking off the other of his lap while you massaged his face. Valentine took great joy in the feeling of your warm hands, his heart silently swooning from your touch. Everything felt soft like bird feathers, and it was another tug at his heart strings. If only things were different. If only he wasn't the president. Maybe he could indulge in your sweet touch for all of eternity, without interruption.

"Excuse me... Sir?"

"Hm? Oh, my apologies, I forgot you were here." Valentine hummed nonchalantly, carefully taking a hand in his to point his attention at the man in front of him, bored looking, rubbing his thumb against the tendons in your hand. The other man dressed in a fine suit watched, nervously clearing his throat. "Y-Y'see sir, there's a... Problem with some of the other guards here in the building. They've been saying some questionable things, I was hoping we could speak more privately–"

"Dear, please stop." Valentine interrupted to speak to you yet again, giggling with his face cupped in your hands once more.

He gently took them in his his, kissing the insides of your cool, soft palms, swiveling in his chair away from the desk. He lightly pushed you out of his lap to stand on your own feet, "Go, try some of the foods our chef brought up for us."

Pouting cutely, you did as told. But not before adding a sweet kiss to Valentine's forehead. "Okay~."

His soldier caught the dreamy smile on his president's lips. His relationship with his first lady was one for the papers. A true power couple. In all honesty the lonely soldier was quite jealous of the sweet lady his president Valentine was blessed with. But his stress was running high. And his very dear president was not listening to a damn word he had to say. "Mr. President...?"

"Yes, my apologies... What was it you were saying?"

The soldier sighed. "Right, sir. It's a very sensitive topic I need to speak with you about. I'm trying to word this delicately... I've heard conversations between guards lately... And–"

"Cheesecake?"

"No, thank you. Wait. Is that strawberry?" Valentine closed his eyes, delighted in the soft, creamy taste of the airy desert. You took immense joy in feeding him small bites of the cake, prompted by a soft noise any time he opened his mouth for more.

He looked so sweet in the moment, staring into you as if you were the only thing that mattered to him. His lips tasted like the sweet cake, promoting giggles from you as Valentine covered you in kisses up to your forehead down to your lips.

"My love, you taste sweeter than anything else." He sighed against your neck, tickling your skin with his pointy nose. You add a big smooch on his face, squeezing his squishy cheek while you cooed, "My dear Valentine~."

The nameless soldier had enough. He stood, fists clashing against the wooden desk, finally at his limit. "President Valentine! This is serious!"

"You're still here?! Spit it out already! Can't you see I have more pressing things to attend to?"

"Sir, just last night I overheard two guards arguing about the first lady. They... They said she wasn't fit to marry you."

At the pang of your fork falling to the floor, the room went dead silent. You were horrified, the hands just holding your soon-to-be husband coming up to hide your mouth. While Valentine didn't share your fear, there was a look of muddled disgust and questioning on his face the guard before him confused with terror.

As Valentine thought of a new plan, you had excused yourself to hide your sorrow away in the corner of the president's room. Valentine barely heard what the other man had said. Once the words left the soldier's lips the blond was already getting out of his seat, quickly making his way to you, placing gentle arms around you to console you close.

"Oh, Dear, please, look at me. Don't let two insolent fool's words hurt you, you know it isn't true."

But you were unconsolable. His gloved hand moved to cup your face, tenderly, but you refused. You turned away, masking your sobs behind your shaking hand. Valentine saw the light of the window reflected in your glassy, wet eyes and something sparked within him.

"But Valentine. What if what they say is true? What if this just happens to be our first of hearing it, but the rest of your men agree? What if I am unfit to be their first lady...?"

He quickly silenced you. "Stop! Of course you'll make the perfect first lady! Please, don't let an idiot's mocking get the best of you!"

Your meek eyes turned down. His hands, they held you firmly, but so softly. No matter how abrasive he was, Valentine always treated you gently. Even as his anger flew wildly he found it in himself to comfort you as well as he could.

Even so... You couldn't bear to let him treat you in such a way. Did you really deserve it? To feel his kind hand on you? "I don't think I can, Valentine. If my own people don't like me, how can I ever stand next to you as your wife..? Someone like you... They deserve better than something like..." Valentine couldn't hear another word.

His hand grabbed your chin. He forced you to look back up at his piercing eyes, and he stole a kiss. Plush lips against yours, so warm, a comfort you couldn't find anywhere else than him. The sweet taste of your shared dessert lingered, combined with the salt of your tears. He didn't pull away until you had to, gasping for air.

"No more... You're not in the right state of mind, my heart. Let's rest. Afterwards we can settle this with calm minds."

"A-A nap..? Maybe...Maybe you're right. I may feel better after some rest." Valentine rested a hand on the small of your back, easily guiding you to the bedroom off to the side of his office. You wandered off to open the door, anxiety ridden hands fumbling with the knobs until he opened the door for you. The presidential bedroom was dark and warm, inviting you in easily with the promises of an undisturbed nap.

"I'm right behind you, dear. I'll be with you shortly."

You nodded along without saying a word. You trusted him. You gathered yourself and made it to the bed, as the president turned an angry glare at the guard still at his desk. The soldier was frozen in fear. His president took cold steps towards his seat, and he didn't move. His presence overwhelmed the officer in question, not able to do a damn thing until the president's hands came down on to the chairs armrests with much force, where he jumped slightly.

"You will tell me the names of the two guards you heard over sharing. Next, you're going to leave this room. Understood?"

The younger man nodded, "Y-Yes, Mr. President." He took a deep breath before continuing, "Their names are Officer Paul and Officer Art. Badge numbers are..."

Valentine took into great detail what the man below him said. He already knew of Officer Paul, a nasty bastard who talked too much and never knew when to shut up. He was good at his job and that was why he stayed. Officer Art he couldn't put a finger on. But the president would figure it out soon.

"Good work. You're dismissed." Valentine let go of the chair and proceeded to make his way to your shared bedroom. The other man sighed in relief of finally getting away from the president's rage. In all his six years of working for Funny Valentine, never before had he seen him like this. Valentine was always level headed. Even in dire circumstances, he was calm, collected, and as sharp as a bayonet. There was something bubbling from underneath the surface now, something nerve-wracking.

"Mr. President, what are you... What are you planning on doing to those men?"

Valentine stopped walking, hand on the doorknob. "What I do doesn't concern you. You'll be paid handsomely for your work here, but now you're free to leave."

It was simple; treason is punishable by death, of course. But Officer Miller was a good man, he didn't need to know he had the blood of two men on his hands. Valentine will settle the score with them later, for now he had a very troubled fianceé to console. And console he shall.

A woman like you didn't deserve to have her heart played with. You were perfect, for all Valentine cared. You held him dearly, despite his round appearance. Of course he didn't care what he looked like, but it was nice to hear you enjoyed the squishy parts of his body, along with everything else. It was easy for you to steal his heart away. Call him a fool, but someone like you helped him believe in something as childish as love at first sight.

He was there with you as you fell into slumber. His hand on your head, gently stroking your hair. He watched your eyes close, they were still red, but hazy with sleep rather than tears.

He couldn't help himself. Valentine leaned down to place a chaste kiss on your crown, whispering to you before he moved. "Don't worry your sweet head about any of this. You'll make the perfect wife, I know. And once you wake, this will all feel like a bad dream."

"F..Funny..? You're not leaving, are you..?"

"Of course not, dear." He lied through his teeth without a shred of guilt. "I'll be here with you, sleeping beside you."

Finally, he saw your smile again. It warmed his heart to see such a sweet, tired looking thing. "I love you, Valentine."

"And I, you, my sweet girl." One last kiss to your temple, and he watched you fall asleep. For good measure he stayed like this for a few more minutes, watching your breathing move your sleeping figure and rubbing his thumb against the knuckles of your hand. Once he was sure your breathing was deep and slow, he silently left into the night, with you in his heart, and murder in his mind.

Against a wall a soldier stood. Late at night, her eyes drooped with the heavy need to sleep. She was alone. No one else to keep her company in this corner of the building, on this lonely, quiet night.

She yawned into her hand. Just as the woman blinked away tears she saw someone approach from her left, another guard to relieve her off duty.

"Ah, Officer Paul! Thank goodness, I was feeling like I was just about to pass out where I stood." They gave each other a short salute, Paul taking the younger woman's place against the wall. Just as they swapped places her shoulder collided with his. A quick sorry was said, but the girl quickly skittered away to find her sleeping quarters. She missed the irritated sneer he gave her backside, and couldn't hear the curse he spoke underneath his breath.

"Fucking bitch."

He squared his shoulders, firearm secure in his grip, and Officer Paul got ready for a very long night with a hangover.

No one else was here with him. There was no moving air, not a soul to stir up a current, but Paul was keenly aware of the fluttering flag next to him. The end of the flag just inches off of the floor lapped at the turning corner of the next hallway in an odd way. A strange miracle maybe. Or maybe this place was haunted, that'd give Paul something to care about.

So fixated on the flag he looked up just in time to meet the eye of his superior. Clad in pink and about a head shorter was his president. "Oh, Mr. Valentine. What brings you here?"

Valentine hummed before speaking. "I thought a stroll around my building would help me relax, I was having a rough time falling asleep."

A strange reason to explore the forgotten corners of the house, but Valentine was his own man.

"Officer Paul is it? I did come to find you because I had a very important conversation to have with you."

The man, taller than his president by a head, finally turned to give the blond his complete attention. "Yes, Mr. President?"

What happened next, Officer Paul wasn't sure how to explain. Valentine stood still, his eyes unfeeling as he watched a hole form in the officer's body. As if a fist had been punched through his abdomen, but there wasn't anything Paul could see. Whatever it was went right through him, keeping him from bleeding out and trapping him on that invisible force like a fish on a hook.

Valentine walked closer as the officer doubled over in pain. On his knees, Valentine could stare the younger man dead in the eye, that emotionless stare now replaced with rage. "Did you really think you could get away with speaking ill of your president's wife?" He asked in a cold tone.

Paul was lifted up until his feet couldn't feel the ground. He choked up red, blood staining his chin and splattering on Valentine's cheek as he backed Paul into a corner and a nearby door. It didn't affect him. He continued to talk.

"You are out of your mind if you thought for even a second you could get away with it." Paul only coughed up more blood.

Valentine said nothing as he took the door in his hand ready to slam it against Officer Paul's weak bloodied face. He looked him in the eye one final time before sending him away with the ability of his Stand, never to be seen again. Even as his blood boiled over what the man had said, Valentine steeled himself and took a breath. He still had work to do.

Valentine turned back to look over the crime scene. Apart from some blood in the carpet everything was right. Valentine sighed, even after he disappeared he still caused trouble. Oh, well. Valentine would stage it as an attack. He'd wound himself and say Paul disappeared after he was let go. Later he'd get a maid to clean this up, the first person he needed to see next was Officer Art.

The next morning when you woke up the room smelled of sweet syrup and freshly cooked meat. A window was open, the curtains pulled to allow fresh air and a soft ray of light to illuminate the room. At your bedside was a moving tray, decorated with silver platters and a lovely candle burning bright. Just as you twisted away to stretch you noticed who had woken you. Valentine watched you with a soft look on his face while you stirred and stretched and rubbed away the tiredness from your eyes. Once you were settled you quickly found yourself taken into his gentle arms, squeezing you close with a kiss on your brow,

"Good morning, my love."

"Good morning, dear."

Once your mornings were said Valentine moved away to start preparing breakfast. You watched in amazement as he took off the lids to the platters, a soft but equally excited "dojyaaan~" was heard. The plates were all stacked high with bacon, sausage, pancakes, eggs, everything to make up a complete breakfast. With warm syrup and juice to top it off. "All of this food for me?" You asked in awe.

"Well, for us. I still haven't eaten yet, but I wanted to spend the morning of Valentine's day with you."

"My stars! It's Valentine's Day already?!" You took the plate he offered reluctantly. The food looked delicious, but you only looked at it with sadness. "I was supposed to have something planned... But I've been so busy, and with last night's fiasco..."

Valentine silenced you with a light kiss. "Nonsense dear, you don't need to plan anything," He placed a cup full of your favorite juice on the nightstand beside you. "Getting to be with you is perfect for me." And finally he got into bed next to you. "Speaking of last night. How are you feeling? You slept straight through the night, I'm guessing it helped some?"

You nodded, swallowing a hunk of pancake before answering. "Yes I feel much better. Looking back on it, I think I might've overreacted... I'm sorry."

Valentine waved you off after setting down his coffee. "Nonsense. What happened last night was unacceptable, but it's been taken care of." Nothing else was said after that. The memory of last night still made you uneasy, but not as bad as before. Had you overreacted? What was the right reaction to being called a poor wife to the president? And what did he mean by "take care of"? Did he fire the poor soldiers? You remember a glimpse of yesterday night. Late after midnight, just for a moment he was missing but you fell back asleep before it bothered you. Valentine had always been a poor sleeper, thinking about it now, though, that might've been his opportunity to strike. You continued to eat. Your overthinking let your eggs get cold.

Valentine did his utmost best to make breakfast perfect. Never for a second did your cup run dry, or your plate have empty space until you had to pry him away from the food cart. You both were cuddled together now, bellies full and happy with utensils and plates pushed aside, just for a second while you indulge in his presence. It was one of those domestic moments you didn't get often. You'd have to milk it while you had the chance.

"This morning has been perfect... I don't want to leave bed for a second." You snuggled closer to him, head tucked between his arm with your hand playing with his chest. He was warm and soft, and so were the blankets. You had to fight off your drowsy urges, lest you fall back asleep.

Valentine chuckled, the vibrations jostling you lightly. "It has been... Although, there's one thing I almost forgot to give you."

Unfortunately, he moved to get out of bed. You watched him move back to your side, confused with an eyebrow arched. Valentine patted off his pink suit, before offering you his hand and pulling you up to sit at the foot of the bed.

"What's this all about, Funny?" You ask, rubbing away the sleep in your left eye.

"Something very important." He says getting on his knees. He gripped a hand in his, looking you in the eye. Just before eating he took off his gloves. The skin underneath was soft, he liked to moisturize often to keep them baby smooth. They were warm, and you felt safe being held in them and looking into his adoration filled eyes. "My dearest Y/n. I love you, truly and with my entire heart. With you, my heart is clear, and there is no one else who can do the things you do to me. But yesterday I was reminded of something. In every sense of the word, except by law, it feels as if we've been married to each other for a very long time."

He let go of your hand to retrieve something from his inner coat pocket. A small, velvety box. At your feet, with you towering above him like a beautiful angel, he showed you vulnerability as he opened up the box to reveal a beautiful engagement ring.

"Will you do me the honor of marrying me, and becoming my Mrs. Valentine?"

Your hands were thrown to your mouth to stifle a gasp. You took in the scene: your boyfriend on his knees, staring up at you with hopeful blue eyes. The ring was gaudy, the diamond in the middle taking up far too much space in the tiny box. But in its extravagant way it reminded you of your boyfriend. No, your fiancé.

"Oh, Funny, yes of course I'll marry you!" You fall into his lap, him catching you with ease, he held the ring in a death drip while you proceed with smothering his face in kisses. No one but you two existed, there was no one and nothing stopping you from doing as you pleased in the security of your bedroom. He kissed you back with fervency, placing his hot lips against yours, tasting like sweet alcohol with the same effect on your body. Your hearts hammered together like wild birds in their cages.

"I love you, my dear, sweet, Mrs. Valentine."

You giggle against his mouth, the sound exciting his pumping heart more. "I love you too, Mr. Valentine."

He kissed you again, "You'll be mine forever, right?"

You held him closer, arms wrapping around him in a gentle hug while you rested your chin on his shoulder. "Yes... Till death do us part, isn't that right?" Yes. He liked the sound of that.

He held you back. No matter what, Valentine would make sure you stayed by his side. Even if he had to fight tooth and nail to keep you there. He planted a final kiss on your lips.

#jojo no kimyou na bouken #jjba #steel ball run #funny valentine #funny valentine x reader #jjba x reader #yandere posting #yandere jjba

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