#yall wont let us exist and be acknowledged like ever

[knifeslidez]

some of yall would make the acronym "lgt and the b's we deem queer enough" and its incredibly obvious

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[kideternity]

For the ask game: Helena Bertinelli, Selina Kyle, Cassandra Cain, Harper Row, Dinah Lance, Diana Prince & Stephanie Brown

Oh god oh yea okay hold on op this will get long (under read more)

Helena Bertinelli

How I feel about this character: I adore her 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 literally my wife my muse my love

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Dinah, Karen, Renee

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Helena and Eel, John Henry and Zauriel ^_^ also think she and Vic Sage should have “LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO!” Energy together

My unpopular opinion about this character: I love Barbara dont get me wrong but shes an AWWFUUUUUULL friend to Helena 😭😭😭 like I LITERALLY CANNOT GET OVER HOW BABS CANONICALLY BEFRIENDED HELENA SOLELY TO MANIPULATE HER ORIGINALLY... not to mention all of that unnecessary beef over dick and like OTHER PEOPLE calling Helena batgirl.....

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she stayed with the justice league for more time so much 😭😭😭 I have a soft spot for JLA (1997) always its my fav critically examined run but MAN helena getting fired when the first run was ending pissed me off!!!!

my OTP: Probably right now Dinahelena? Tie between Reneehelena and that one

my cross over ship: I don’t have a ton of non dc media I like but Liz sherman from hellboy maybe

a headcanon fact: She has a wine cooler in her car at all times for people to grab a drink from if needed, the only rule she has is to try not to spill it everywhere because it’s a bitch to get out of her leather seats

Selina Kyle

How I feel about this character: Admittedly idk a ton about Selina I need to haul ass on reading catwoman solos 😭 I've had a complicated relationship with her but as of right now I like her! I think she’s cool

All the people I ship romantically with this character: All i'm turning up is Zatanna bc my friend writes really good zee/selina fics wjwjajajwua stan randy!!!!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I am like OBSESSED w the small little friendship tidbits Helena B and Selina have....... its not suer amazing or anything but huntress year old Selina insta best friending helena made me 🥺

My unpopular opinion about this character: IM NOT REALLY SURE WHY SELINA IS CONSIDERED A GOTHAM CITY SIREN NGL.... like its most likely definitely me knowing nothing Abt popular characters but its just always struck me as kinda weird/the only thing ivy harley and selina have in common is like. The most well known bad women in gotham

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I WISH WE GOT TO SEE MORE OF HER MENTORING KITRINA FALCONE...... FUCKING CATGIRL..... LIKE SHE JUST FUCKING SHIPS HER OFF TO A BOARDING HOUSE AND THEN WE NEVER SEE KITRINA AGAIN LIKE I GET WHY BUT MAN MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!!

my OTP: idk sry !

my cross over ship: Felicia hardy purely because its just really fucking funny to me

a headcanon fact: Selina fucking hates Gnort more then anything imaginable

Cassandra Cain

How I feel about this character: I like her!!!!! Definitely my second favourite batkid after Duke ^_^

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Steph

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Duke! Ultimate siblings. Also just like the idea of Lonnie and Cass getting along bc they tell old men they suck

My unpopular opinion about this character: Cass should not be able to beat everybody. She should not be able to beat people of unimaginable power such as Dr Fate. Like I think she could defeat normal fighters, or maybe enhanced fighters, but actual metas and magic casters etc I don’t think she would be able to, especially since iirc she almost fucking died fighting metahuman assassins??? So

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I know we all say it but let cass be batman v_v but also let her be batman and let carrie Kelly be her batwoman so that they can absolutely hate each other I wanna see that play out

my OTP: Stephcass im basic

my cross over ship: n/a

a headcanon fact: Duke introduced her to heavy metal now she cant get enough of it

Stephanie Brown

How I feel about this character: I like her! I still need to continue reading her batgirl solo and more but I like her! Good character!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Cass

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Lonnie ^_^ Rebirth lonnie is literally so OOC and nasty I don’t wanna hear any bs abt how its ‘better’ but I did like the idea of Steph and Lonnie being friends and I think it'd work still with Lonnie’s good characterisation

My unpopular opinion about this character: Timsteph is a bad ship its objectively bad and I hate it a lot also Steph kissing Tim knowing he was dating Arianna was shitty writing/a dick move on her part i just hate all of it its comp het the ship

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: OKAY I NEED TO READ MORE STEPH COMICS FIRST but I am perpetually haunted by my idea of steph in the future becoming huntress.... I Ponder It

my OTP: Stephcass lol

my cross over ship: Gwen Stacy and Steph could be fun :O

a headcanon fact: She doesn’t like condiments unless it’s say, syrup for waffles

Harper Row

How I feel about this character: I used to be like obseeeeeeessed with harper used to think abt her 24/7 but ive mellowed down a lot.... havent read her comics in like literally ages...... still love her a lot tho

All the people I ship romantically with this character: nobody 😔

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Steph and Cass being Harper’s friends was always cute to me also I like when I think both or just Steph was Harper’s roommate it was fun

My unpopular opinion about this character: Mostly nobody seems to fucking care about her 🙄 you guys cry for gay batkids 24/7 but you wont even acknowledge harper existed........ smh

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: that she stuck around more : ( i liked how her brother cullen sorta became this like oracle esque figure so I like the idea of her being a vigilante in some place like bludhaven maybe w Cullen giving tech support

my OTP: n/a :/

my cross over ship: not really a ship but maybe Miles and Harper teaming up one time?

a headcanon fact: Would really like to own a pet snake

Dinah Lance

How I feel about this character: I love women.... I love this woman.......

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Ollie, Helena

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Babs :] best friends 4ever !

My unpopular opinion about this character: Dinahs done a lot of fucked up things and like i dont even mean like in a “its bad writing way” i mean just like consistently dinah is not perfect and she shouldnt be regarded as such and i dont like when people do

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Wish she stayed with the JSA longer :[ I really liked her with the JSA it was fun!!!!

my OTP: Dinahelena 💜🖤🤍💛

my cross over ship: n/a

a headcanon fact: She's really bad at cooking most dishes

Diana Prince

How I feel about this character: I LOVE HER a very interesting character with a lot of interesting lore

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Zatanna, Natasha Teranova

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Clark and Bruce ^_^ they are her close friends and teammates and I want absolutely nothing to go on between them. Ever.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Not abt diana specifically But damn yall when the fuck you guys gonna actually.... talk about diana.... like when are you going to make metaposts about her and hot takes and so on as much as you do for ppl like bruce

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: She and Natasha should have gotten married whilst in space together period it was homophobia to have Natasha just go back to russia and never show up ever again

my OTP: Wondermagics

my cross over ship: not a ship again but LET HELLBOY TEAM UP W DIANA

a headcanon fact: She's really good at pottery! Especially during the sculpting stage

[chocojjk]

cafes and pinky promises

summary: bff! felix → idol! felix ,,, like i said , i suck at summaries 

words: 2.8k

a/n: yall im on a roll, i really don't know why im writing so much these past few days but enjoy,, i hope

not edited, per usual

as you entered your favorite cafe, you never expected to come face to face with the boy who filled up every second of your thoughts

in fact, it was the very boy that has created so many memories with you in this same exact place

you wanted to go up to him, to see how he was doing, ask him how idol life been treating him but you found yourself glued to the floor, unable to move

every single memory with him suddenly flashing in mind

-

the two of you met back in middle school

it was the typical story

you were the new kid in school,

didn't have any friends,,

sat alone at lunch,,,

then one day he came up to you wearing his brightest smile, the freckles upon his cheeks shining up like the stars in the sky

“hi, im felix”

(❁´◡`❁)

and the rest was history

you guys became the best of friends, practically glued to the hip

but let’s skip all that friendship fluff and fast forward to second year of high school

you guys have been best friends for a good four years now

one of the things that you guys love doing is going to the cafe a little out of town

the cafe had free wifi and barely any people so it became a routine to just go there after school and goof around

dont get me wrong, you guys do homework too

#getyoureducationkids

also like #fuckthesystem

anyways,,,,

since you guys were the smartest in your class, it never really took that long to finish homework and instead you guys would just have fun listening to music, telling bad jokes, watching a show on netflix, and sometimes even just playing rock paper and scissors

there’s never a dull moment between the two of you

honestly if it wasn’t for you and felix, the cafe would probably be out of business

even the owner knew you two

she was the sweetest old lady, always giving you guys extra cookies and letting you stay for as long as you can

she would also always joke around about how you two would make the cutest couple, comparing the two of you to her and her husband who were high school sweethearts

being young, the thought first made you wanna vomit

like ew,,, boys are gross

but as you grew older, you started seeing the boy in a different light

the small touches and the hand holding suddenly started to have meaning

everytime he laughed, it was music to your ears

his freckles became the most beautiful thing in the world, and you loved tracing each one of them

sure, you guys have had your own share of petty fights but at the end of the day it did nothing but strengthen the friendship that you two share

there were never any secrets

(((besides of course these feelings that were growing but shh we dont speak of that)))

you knew felix like the back of your hand and vice versa

and you could just see yourself spending every moment with him in the upcoming future

until of course one day,

“y/n, i need to tell you something but pinky promise you won’t get mad?”

“felix every time someone says that, people tend to be mad”

“y/n just pinky promise me you wont”

“ok, i pinky promise, now what is it??”

felix was absolutely terrified

he’s been meaning to tell you this for a while but every time he tried he just couldn't find the words to do so

and god, how he has let time pass him by

“im moving to korea”

you bursted out laughing and felix is confused as heck like?????

whats??

so ???

funny????

“seriously lix, you made me pinky promise not to be mad over a joke??”

you see, pinky promises may seem like a childish thing but it was sacred between the two of you

so when he used it over a joke, you just couldn’t help but let out a few couple giggles

however, as you turned to face him and saw the serious expression written on his face you found yourself at loss for words

“wait, are you serious?”

“yeah”

“wh-when are you leaving?”

“in a month”

“h-how long have you known???”

“ummmm” (´･_･`)

“felix.”

“Since we went to the park”

the park

you remembered that day, it was probably one of the happiest days of your life

you passed your math test with a perfect score and has just become the student body president of your class

on top of that, felix decided he wanted to treat you out for ice cream as he was proud of his best friend

what you didnt know was that this was the day that would change everything

this was the day he was scouted

the day he received the news that he was accepted as a trainee

and hes been finding a way to tell you 

but he just couldn't 

you were completely over the moon

as you guys were sitting on the swings, your hands occupied with your own ice cream cones

felix started talking about his dance team and choir class

you always knew how much he enjoyed those classes

yet as he talked about his passion, his eyes twinkling and his mouth curving into the softest smile, you truly got a grasp on how much your best friend loved music and performing

you can't help but think back to a few days ago, when your friend brought up how much your eyes sparkled talking about felix

you wondered if you looked the same as how felix looked now, talking about the things that he loved to do  

and then it hit you

you were in love with your best friend

god reader, how cliche could you be (●'◡'●)ﾉ♥

“felix, that was two months ago.”

to say you were mad was an understatement,, you were filled with rage

anger and disappointment all just combining into one

suddenly the future that you clearly saw vanished because every single one of those versions had the boy by your side

“im sorry”

not knowing how to respond, you started packing up your things in your backpack

felix just watching you do so, thinking of things to say to make the situation at hand better

once you stood up, he snapped out of his thoughts, worry completely washing over his eyes

“where are you going?”

“im going home.” you say emotionlessly

“let me walk you”

“no”

and that was the last of it

he tried calling you several times after that yet all he was left with was your voicemail

every time he approached you at school, you would walk the other way

every day he would show up at the cafe hoping to see your face, yet that day never came because you stopped going

you figured it’d be easier to let him go if you just stayed mad at him

you figured that your feelings would automatically go away if you replaced them with hate

but reader, you were so wrong  

the day came when he finally had to go

that day was painfully hard for you

your whole class was bidding him goodbye, and all you could do was watch from the sidelines, your pride way too high to forgive him now

no one really knew about your guys’ fall out as you found it was better to keep things to yourself than become the schools new gossip

and so when everyone started asking you how you felt, you responded with the most generic answers

“whatever makes him happy, im happy”

oh reader, you are such a liar

it wasn't until a year after, that you truly forgave him

and that was because a classmate of yours barged into the room, waving her phone around

“Guys remember felix!, well he’s an idol now!!”

as soon as you got home that day, you searched up his name, and there he was

Lee Felix

Stray Kids

and you realized how stupid you’ve been

you never even bothered asking him why he was leaving

you cried yourself to sleep that night as you look back on the wasted friendship that you threw down the drain

but you figured that there was no point in being sad over it anymore

you were done holding grudges

so the next day you went back to the cafe and binged the survival show that your best friend, well ex best friend, was in

the sweet old day was overjoyed when she saw your familiar face

she asked you where your partner in crime was and with a genuine smile you responded with “he’s out there doing bigger and greater things”

ever since then, you made the cafe a weekly trip

it hurt you to know that you spent your time resenting him so you made a pinky promise to yourself, that even if he didnt know, you would support him no matter what

you ended up buying all their albums

watching their vlives

staying up late for their debuts

hell, you've even gon to the point of making a stan account just to be be updated

-

which brings you to now

you knew that felix was in australia, they were having a concert here

you even got a ticket for yourself, not close enough where he could see you of course

you were still ashamed of your actions even though it’s been almost two years

so when you walked in the cafe and saw him with his 8 buds seated in your guys’ usual spot, you definitely didn't know how to react

seeming as they haven't spotted you yet, you quickly made your way out the door

however, Elise, the sweet old lady, had other plans

“y/n, honey, leaving so quickly?”

and that was when 9 heads turned to the door

all 18 eyes just looking at you

‘fuck y/n okay just act cool’

‘youre fine’

‘maybe they don't even notice you’

‘omg speak’

“y/n?” felix says, his deep voice breaking you out of your thoughts

“felix?? Hi!!!” you say, giving him the biggest fake smile ever

it’s not that you wanted to okay, it was just a very awkward situation and you have no idea how to act

‘smooth y/n, so smooth’

I swear if you could facepalm yourself, you’d be doing so with both of your hands + the hands of the 7 billion people on this earth

“uhm hi?,” he replies, obviously confused as to why you suddenly acknowledged his existence

truth to be told, he was expecting you to ignore him just like all the other times before

“well, won't you look at that, my two musketeers are back together,” Elise butts in, 

“ah, it's just like the old days, would you guys like some cookies???” she says, a soft smile on her face

“no that's okay El, im heading out soon anyways, can i just have the usual caramel macchiato?” you say quickly, ignoring the awkward tension in the air

“sure thing hon”

and as she goes to the back to make your order, you were left with the 9 boys

welp

its now or never

“uhm, when did you get back?”

you ask, your hands automatically playing with the hem of your shirt, a clear sign that you were nervous

“im just here for the week”

“oh,,, nice”

“Yeah”

(>_<)

the other boys just sitting in silence, going back and forth between the two of you

they know exactly who you are, and trust me, they arent your biggest fans

which is exactly why they chose to not break the awkward tension in the air

and you swear, you wish you can just have the earth open up and swallow you whole

“hon, heres your order!”

oh thank god,,

Elise is your savior

even though you wouldnt even be in this situation if it wasnt for her

you quickly grab your drink and make your way out,,, but not before saying

“uhm, it was nice seeing you again lix,” you say, this time, a genuine smile on your face

◐ˍ◑

when felix heard the nickname that you've once given him, he couldn't believe his ears

great job reader, you’ve left him stunned

taking his silence as a response, cause youre kinda a dumbass, you nodded to him and the other boys and left the cafe

however as you made your way to your car

something clicked inside of you

,,,,

fuck it

,,,,

you ran back to the cafe, grabbing the door wide open at the same exact time that felix pushed it open

which caused him to stumble right on top of you, your coffee being thrown a whole meter away

at least it wasn't on your shirt

“omygod im so sorry! are you okay?” he asks, picking you up and checking you for bruises

and youve realized that he hasnt changed one bit

he’s still your best friend felix

the same felix that treats you with so much love and care

the same felix you fell in love with all those years ago

and you couldnt help but let out a tear

this worried felix even more

“what is it?? whats wrong???”

you were blown out sobbing at this point

“Im ๑•́ㅿ•̀๑) ᔆᵒʳʳᵞ ”

“huh??”

“im so sorry felix, i-”

your emotions not allowing you to create a single coherent sentence

but because felix still knew you like the back of his hand, he knew exactly what you were talking about

“lets go inside okay”

all you could do was nod and let him guide you to your usual spot that was now empty

grabbing a couple napkins, he wipes your tears away for you before you finally became conscious of what was happening and took control

“I didnt know you still came to this cafe?” he says, finally breaking the silence

“yeah uhm, i started coming back,”

“why?”

“I-i guess i just missed you”

“I thought you hated me”

“No,” you say quickly, that was the last thing you wanted him to think

“i didnt hate you, i was just angry and sad and i acted upon those emotions. I was stupid, im sorry”

“its okay, i understand, youre not stupid y/n”

god damn it,, 

why is this guy so nice,,

“no felix, it's not okay. we were best friends, i should have talked to you. I-i shouldnt have cut you off like that especially when i didnt even give you a chance to explain yourself”

damn okay reader, admitting to your mistakes, im p r o u d

“Its all in the past now y/n”

“can you forgive me for being a bitch?” 👉👈

This got a chuckle from felix

“as long as you can forgive me for keeping a secret from you” he replies, shooting you a smile

you smile back at him

“ive forgiven you a long time ago lix”

,,,,

,,,,

felix has stopped malfunctioning

“ive missed you,” he says grabbing your hand from across the table and holding it the way he used to

“ive missed you too,,, so much,,, im so proud of you,”

“proud of me?”

“yeah, youve finally done what youve always dreamt of”

“you know?”

“of course i know lix, youre everywhere!”

“it kinda sucks how you know whats been going on in my life and i dont know a single clue about yours”

“I can always catch you up!” you say excitedly, but as you see the sad smile that began to etch his way onto his face, you see that that’s not the case

“busy schedule?” you question

“yeah” he replies, the grip on your hand becoming tighter, almost like he doesnt want to let go

“thats okay, im sure we’ll find some time,” you say maintaining the positive energy

right on cue, chan peeps his head in the door

“Felix we have to go now, i tried convincing them to give you more time but were already running behind schedule”

“aish” felix replies as his tears suddenly made his way down

he gets up and pulls you into a bone crushing hug as you breathe in his scent, taking it all in

“im sorry i have to go so soon”

“thats okay felix, ill always be here”

“i hope i can see you again before I leave,”

“oh dont worry, you will” you say, a big smile on your face

“what do you mean?”

“just watch out for me at the concert, yeah?”

“youre coming???!!!!??”

“yep, already got my ticket!”

and you swear youve never seen felix smile so brightly before

“you pinky promise?”

“I pinky promise.”

[yuckubus]

disclaimer: i love all my mutuals and respect their opinions, y’all will be missed if you decide to unfollow after i pour my judgmental heart out

1. the most well-rounded member of bts, is hoseok. yall can argue that it’s jk, but i said what i said 

2. minghao with a mullet is godtier; out of all the male idols with mullets, he is The king. 

3. speaking of seventeen, a lot of their songs are very edm-inspired but it works really well for them 

4. woozi deserves recognition for the songs he produces, like i really hope he gets an award for his production skills bc he’s amazing 

5. i feel like most wonwoo stans, stan him for his beauty and not his talent (which, he’s not a bad rapper)

6. that being said, i wish he (wonwoo) played around a little more bc his flow is kinda predictable. not only that, but he can do more than just rap lowly and get loud.

7. seokmin/ dokyeom > jungkook, in terms of vocal ability. he’s just better 

8. imo, in terms of like younger groups i guess? leader wise, namjoon is the best leader. im not saying other group leaders like scoups, for example, are bad at their abilities to lead, but i think nj really is. 

9. spring day, don’t leave me, the truth untold, best of me, and whatever else yall try to advocate as good songs...are not good. they dont do anything for me. sorry

10. also just one day is the superior rnb bts song. 

11. house of cards didn’t deserve all the hype it got. like, its good but it hasnt done anything for me since i heard the full version.

12. while im not as into got7 as i used to be, ya’ll took all the stuff that happened with got7 and RAN lol like yall really went in on them and still do and it’s sorta.. annoying? like i get why people do not like certain members (i really do!!) but its tired now. it has been for a while 

13. speaking of got7, if they did more stuff like just right (since it worked so well for them) and the flight log trilogy, ESPECIALLY turbulence, it would be effective

14. I dont know why people think lucas from nct is so dumb, he just has moments 

15. speaking of lucas, i dont see any purpose for him in nct. he doesn’t provide anything special or new except some personality and physical beauty.

16. sm either needs to get rid of some members of nct, or really talk to these niggas bc he doesnt seem to care about anyone but mark, taeyong, jaehyun, and doyoung...and sorta lucas 

17. jungwoo is a product of taemin. either that man is his father, or he’s a relative. 

18. in terms of like newer and young rappers, mark lee is the only one with some potential; sometimes, he lacks, but he really is the only one 

19. jaemin and jeno ended and revived kpop with their verses in Go! 

20. chanyeol and sehun go off in some exo songs, especially forever. they’re still not great rappers.

21. exo has the better vocal line and bts has the better rap line. i just ended every pointless, unnecessary fanwar.

22. the exo l x army beef is so..stupid like all of y’all look childish. deadass. it’s never that deep unless both sides really said some serious shit and, most cases they dont so literally shut up lol

23. astro’s danceline are amazing

24. JEALOUSY BY MONSTA X? SLAPS. HARD

25. kihyun’s voice is absolutely beautiful and deserves that recognition bc he really has such a beautiful voice 

26. Pentagon’s first album is THAT first mini album. if you havent invested time in it, please do

27. like the wonwoo thing, mingyu and wonho stans only stan these boys for physical attractiveness. I see something all the time (on twitter) anout wonho’s body and not really much about just him. this sounds fake deep, but forreal 

28. stan twitter in general has great memes and stuff, but they are quite literally, the worst set of fans i have ever seen. facebook fans and instagram fans are just evil too but stan twt is satan. 

29. in terms of talent level in twice...there’s 9 girls and only 4/9 really do something. i do love them though

30. tzuyu is great and shes so pretty but that’s it. the personality and everything else, where is it

31. imma be honest, i think chaeyoung is the prettiest

32. kyla isnt coming back to pristin, we all know this. it’s just time to face it 

33. people only care about like 5 members of pristin, and theyre all in pristin v...there was a reason for their creation lol

34. miss shannon, aka sungyeon, of pristin? she’s got lungs and deserves to be seen as more than just her round face 

35. MISS JOY is That member of red velvet

36. i dont think this is unpopular, but all the good rapper idols would be so much better if they just didnt sink into a niggaboo phase

37. ALL MEN WHO RUN ENTERTAINMENT COMPANIES (I.E. JYP, SM, YG, HITMAN BANG, AND WHOMEVER ELSE) ARE EVIL. IDC 

38. i dont,...really care for jennie; she overdoes the cuteness sometimes 

39. rose would be so much more powerful if she dropped the sza syndrome (I hope this isnt offensive, if it is please let me know)

40. if wendy wasn’t the leader and main vocalist of red velvet, her ass would have already been gone for that crap she pulled again

41. girl groups? are just as low down and dirty with their racism and antiblackness but that stuff gets hidden really well unless you look it up...or are mamamoo 

42. IOI SHOULD HAVE LIVED LONGER THAN WANNABE. no one wants to hear that shit, ioi was giving us bops but after that year was up, they couldnt wait to get rid of them...but wannaone still exists. ok

43. all the my idols are gay legends stuff is kinda annoying now... like...you dont know their actual sexuality, so stop trying to justify your weird ass argument with proof from 1997, it’s not cute (this could be said about yoongi, but i mean in general)

44. people dont see holland as more than his sexuality, and what i mean by that is, a lot of people dont care about him or wont until he starts interacting with male idols, so people can start shipping them with him

45. kpop stans do women involved with male groups so fucking dirty, like ya’ll cannot wait to tear them down due to your insecurities as a fan. You’re not marrying any of them, so pipe the fuck down  

46.nonblack stans, especially on twitter, dont really care about black issues lol yall do that fake oh my god im so sorry :( then use some form of aave with ?????????? and then move on. 

47. IF KPOP GROUPS WOULD JUST ACKNOWLEDGE AND PROPERLY APOLOGIZE ABOUT THEIR PAST ACTIONS, MAYBE WE CAN LEARN AND MOVE ON; BUT THEM AND THEIR COMPANIES REFUSE TO. it’s like trying to feed a baby who doesn’t wanna be fed 

48. people are allowed to still be upset about an idol’s past actions. it is valid ESPECIALLY if you are a fan of color. You are also allowed to unstan and not explain yourself bc no one’s gonna beat your ass for it. 

49. these idols and their companies dont really care about their fans as much as they want y’all to believe. i believe they care to a degree, but it’s exaggerated

50. none of yall are family; you can say it a million and six times, but you really only believe that if you are not a person of color.

51. ya’ll do not know these idols like you think you do; they choose what they want you to show, even in their “RAW” shows; they are not going to let you see them in their 100% real self, ya’ll are strangers to them 

52. being on kpop social media is exhausting, and idk how any of yall are able to do it 24/7. kpop is not that interesting enough for me to be around all day and all night. 

53. Idol groups that play instruments deserve the world 

54. that being said, i hope that n.flying, day6, and the rose get recognition because they’re out here being multi-talented, funny, and good looking. 

i have more opinions but these are ones i could think of. anyway, hope yall enjoyed my ranting. 

[wnsyafira-blog]

2017;

So where do I start? My life changed, 360 degree. Thats for sure. I spent most of my 2017, 11 months to be exact, in Dengkil. I was doing my Foundation in Law, I graduated with a CGPA of 3.59. I did pretty good for my second semester to be compared to my first semester...hahah I got straight A’s, with a GPA of 3.85. It was hard tho. I sacrificed all my social life for it. I deactivated my Instagram hahaha if you know me well, yall will know how I love posting picture on Instagram. But it was totally worth it, I shall say? Well I kinda ignored my boyfriend, we don’t really talk to each other everyday. Ignored my best friend as well. I wonder if Aike still read my tumblr tho. I dont think he will. I am pretty sure he dont even know this page exists? He tends to forget little things like this.  I learnt alot. It was my first time of living alone on my own from my family. I learnt to wake up at 6 in the morning everyday, by my own self. Without mama have to knock my door and shout at me. I learnt to make my own breakfast. I learnt mostly everything, things that I dont have to do at home. It was pretty tough at first. But I was blessed with good souls there that make me learn these things. Despite all of that, the main highlight here is, I get to know people. I learn to acknowledge different character of humans.  Aisyah, or Eca. She is my roommate for 2 semesters, we got close to each other after 2 weeks I guess? On our last semester, we were placed in the same class, L13. I was kind of scared tbh? Bcs I am more comfortable to not have the same class because ya know, its quite challenging if you were to see each other alot, the chances to gaduh or get misunderstand is higher ya get me? And yes, its true tho.. we kinda had a little fight not really a fight but a silent treatment thing if that makes sense? But it got sorted out pretty quick. Shes nice. But I ever since she got close to Jo, she would choose Jo over me which is pretty sad, but its okay. Maybe I am not a good listener/adviser. Maybe Jo is a better friend for her. I got over this anyway! Auni, she is my jiran depan hahaha our jodoh is quite strong, we were placed in the same class for 2 semesters straight! Man, this is my bae. My bae! We were very clingy to each other. I freaking love Auni, I have no words to describe my love for her. I can feel that she is very sincere to be my friends. But, I believe that things are not always good. We got a little misunderstand over something really small and we got drifted apart ever since. It was totally heartbreaking for me, it got sorted out but yeah after the fights, it was kind of awkward for us to be back to normal I assumed? And I started to distance myself from her because I was kinda terasa because she kept to her own self about her problems...I mean..its fine but it was frustrating seeing your friends sedih? And even more, I told Auni almost everything and she did not anggap me the same thing. i mean, I thought I was your best friend? But if I were to choose one person, I would definitely go for Auni. She is the nicest person.  Wafa. This one is totally complicated. I love Wafa, I love our friendship. I would do anything for her. I hate watching her crying. I was there whenever she cried, because man, she did the same thing. We got each other’s back. I hate it when people talk bad about Wafa because I know her true self. She is not always bad, she is a really good friend. Shes the type of person who would come over whenever you are having a bad day even if its 2 in the morning, yes that is Wafa. But I guess she dont anggap me how I anggap her. Maybe I am just another friend. She cut me off from her circle macam tu je even when I asked her ‘’hey is there anything wrong between us? If ada, please let me know.’’ She said nothing is wrong but I can totally sense something. Its okay, I will always pray for her happiness.  Syed Syafiq, people would always sees us together. Whenever ada Nadia, ada Syafiq and the other way round. We helped each other. Whenever I have a problem, I would talk to him, hes 25 this year, so I kinda preferred to talk to him because he always sees problem differently. And whenever Syafiq have a money problem, he’ll always find me. I dont mind though, because I know he helped me alot. But yeah, things are not always good, again. He ignored my text, my calls after we finished foundation. I wonder what went wrong, what did I do...and soon enough, on 11/12/2017, I found out he went to UM’s bachelor of Laws interview, I never knew there was an intake for UM. He never told me, I felt betrayed, because we freaking did everything together I spent my whole study week with him. We studied for our first semester’s final, together, we ate during our study week together, we shared our notes, we freaking shared everything hahahah I cried for 2 days straight? yeah. I dont get out of my room for 2 days. I skipped my meals, I went out for toilet only when my parents were sleeping. When we were applying for UITM’s intake, we were doing it together....I even asked Ema to help him out to tanya the lecturer if we can apply for Econs..but it wasnt his fault anyway. Its my own fault to be exact, I yang tak aware that there were an intake for UM. But if you were in my shoes, you’ll understand. Theres alot more to describe. But these 4 are the main friends back in Dengkil. I dont hate them, never. Because of these 4, I learnt alot. Maybe its not them. Maybe its me. My main problem about me that I noticed is, I always expect more from them. Maybe if I dont have such expectations, things wont ended this way. Maybe if I anggap them as friend, only friend, not a freaking best friend, I dont have to cry every night thinking of them. Basically in 2018, in my next life, in my next steps of life, I would not be too nice to others. I have to learn to say no. I will learn to be heartless..... I swear I was too nice. Too nice. I ran to the main gate in my pyjamas when I was sleeping because my friend called me suruh bayar uber, not once, twice. I sacrificed my money to bagi pinjam to my friend while that time I only have 50 bucks to survive, I split it into 2. I bagi dia 25, and I 25. I can simply say no but I dont have the heart to say so? I did my friend’s debate speech because he was busy? I paid for every printing work. They never pay me back or even bother asking ‘’berapa eh print tadi?’’. But God is fair enough, I got pretty good marks and results. I was too nice of offering all of my food stocks, i only got to makan roti with nutella thrice then I found out dah habis. After everything pun, they never anggap I as best friend, there will be always another person as their best friend. I will just stay as another friend, yes. Another friend yang baik. Thats what I am.