#y'all cannot keep living your lifes without knowing this beautiful story

[themagicalshrimp]

Ewilan’s quest teaser

[juletheghoul]

Oblivius Chapter 6

So I'm thinking next chapter will be... a big one.

You cannot know how happy I am to see all your comments and reblogs and messages and general kind words about how this story is making you feel. Love y'all. Keep asking! Keep messaging! I want to talk about this all day lmao.

Likes & reblogs are appreciated

Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Pairing: Frankie x F!Reader

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Angst, slow-burn, yearning, 18+ language (Please let me know if I forget anything)

Masterlist Series Masterlist Prev Part Next Part Playlist

--------------

Age: 20

“Why did you even ask me out Frankie? Do you even like me?” She was embarrassed, walking towards the door.

“Yes of course, I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.” He tried to walk it back but she was incensed, her cheeks burning bright with anger. She rounded on him when she got to the door, making him step back slightly from her onslaught.

“When you invited me over to meet your friends I didn’t expect to be ignored so you could flirt with her. Get your shit together Frankie, I’m not gonna go out with someone who’s too busy pining over someone else to notice me.” Her eyes were bright with un-shed tears, if she expected some sort of answer or explanation - he had none.

He watched her go.

“Everything okay Francis?” Spills had come looking for him.

“Yes, everything’s good. She had to go.” He had a big smile for her when he turned around.

“Will she be back?” Thankfully she hadn’t heard them.

“I doubt it.” He couldn’t be too sad about it though, not when she looked up at him like that.

——————

**Present Day**

He could still feel her wrapped around him as he walked to the shore. Could feel her moulded to his back, her legs on his waist. He had meant every word he’d said to her, he would gladly stay there with her forever.

“How was the water babe?” Claudia kissed him when he lay on the towel next to her to dry off, wrinkling her nose slightly at the water that trickled from his hair onto her face.

“Beautiful.” His eyes were on Spills, floating in the water. “You should take a dip.”

“No thanks, I’m perfectly happy here. Can you get my back babe?” She smiled up at him but he wasn’t looking at her, his eyes were trained on the water. “Francisco?” She had to tap him to get his attention. He tore his gaze away to face her.

“Sorry babe, yes of course.”

You can’t keep doing this Francisco. Get your fucking shit together and focus.

“You okay fish?” Pope's voice startled him slightly and when he turned to look at him his expression was serious. “You seem a little… distracted.” His eyes quickly flashed towards Spills floating in the water.

I never should have told him.

“I’m fine.” His voice was clipped, he really didn’t need this right now and he hoped his tone was warning enough. Pope didn’t say anything but he had a feeling he’d hear about this later.

“I wanna ask her out.” Benny had sat down beside Frankie and was staring out at Spills.

“You should! You guys would look cute together, wouldn’t they babe? We could double date or something.” Claudia was happy at the prospect but Frankie's stomach dropped. He felt the anger crawling in his gut, tensing his muscles at the prospect of Benny with her.

This isn’t normal, I shouldn’t feel like this.

“I think you should, Benny.” Pope clapped him on the back. “Fish - I think you should put in a good word for our boy.” It was hard for Frankie not to lash out but why would he? He was engaged and Spills was free. What reason could he possibly have to not want this to happen?

There’s only one reason why, and I can’t fucking help it.

“Yeah of course. I’ll talk to her.” It took everything in him to keep his voice neutral.

“Only ask her out if you’re serious, don’t bother if you’re going to fuck around because that’s his friend, she’s not a random.” Will chimed in, ever the voice of reason and Frankie was thankful.

“I know that.” Benny smiled, and Frankie had to keep quiet.

----

Everything was quiet. Your ears were submerged as you floated peacefully in the water, eyes closed. The ocean always managed to make you feel safe despite its size. Maybe that was what appealed to you, it was so vast and unknowable, you could get lost in it.

You saw the shadow obscure the light despite having your eyes closed. Pope was in the water with you and you smiled at him. Of all the army friends Frankie had introduced you to, Pope was the most mysterious. He guarded his words and you had the sense that he knew way more than he let on.

“Did you have anything planned for the bachelor party yet?” His question dropped a boulder into your stomach.

Fuck, I forgot about that.

“Nope - hadn't even remembered until you said it. I have no idea how the hell to plan one.” Your eyes widened at the thought of it and he laughed, not unkindly.

“I figured, I can help you out. He’s a simple guy - but I'm guessing you already know that. I’m guessing you know much more about him than we do in a lot of respects.” He was smiling at you but there was something underneath his words, a tone you couldn’t discern.

“Probably - known him a long time.” It felt like you were under the microscope.

“Years worth of stuff that Claudia doesn’t even know.” His eyes were burning into you and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was gauging your reaction.

“In all likelihood, but she’ll learn eventually I imagine.” Your voice sounded a lot calmer than you felt.

“Obviously no strip clubs, that’s not his thing. Just get all his friends together and get him drunk.” He was watching you closely but your eyes were focused on Frankie, he was laughing and happy - talking animatedly with Will about something and you couldn’t help but smile.

“I can see how much you love him.” Your eyes flashed towards him. “Like a brother, right?” He raised his eyebrows at you and you felt the colour drain from your face.

Am I that fucking obvious?

“Yeah… like a brother.” You were lying, even when you were younger you knew you’d always loved him, but it never felt brotherly. He knew. “See ya.” As much as you wanted to be in the water, you couldn't handle the scrutiny anymore and you made your way back to shore.

---

The rest of the day was spent mostly in your head, you tried to focus on the conversations you had. You tried to focus on the water and the sunshine but it seemed like Pope’s words and his implications followed you.

“You okay Spills? You’ve been distracted all day.” You’d been on the road for almost half an hour and you’d barely said anything.

“Yeah - sorry, just tired. Need a shower.” You smiled at him weakly.

“You sure? Seems like you have something else on your mind.” He glanced over to you and your heart swelled. His curls were defined from the salt water, his face was a little pink from the sun and he looked so warm and soft. You ran your fingers through his hair seemingly without thought. It was so soft and you had to fight the urge to keep touching it.

“I’m okay Francis - gotta plan your bachelor party.” You couldn’t keep the sadness out of your voice, hoping it came across as tired. You were both silent the whole ride home.

--------

You never would have thought it, but you were glad to be back at work. It was the one place that had no memory of Francis. You could come in, completely focus your energy and forget everything for most of the day. In all the time you worked there - you’d never been this productive but with the wedding slowly approaching, the anxiety was slowly creeping in.

Nowhere was safe now.

[unknown contact]: hey Spills! It’s Claudia - I got your number from Frankie. I was hoping you’d be able to come with me tomorrow to the bridal store. We have to make sure you match everyone on the big day!

Really fucking wish you wouldn’t call me that.

[you:] hey Claudia! Uh yeah sure what time?

[claudia😒]: great! Appointment is for 10am - I’ll send you the address, see you then! 🙂

[you]: sounds great - see you then!

Well that’s just great.

It had been a week since the beach trip and the peace couldn’t last.

—-

There was something about Claudia that got under your skin.

She’s marrying the love of your life, obviously she gets under your skin.

She was friendly enough, and she loved Francis - you could see that in her excitement; but there was something underneath. You got a sense that she was trying to pull a fast one on him.

“Spills, if Frankie and I move, would you come visit us? I think you’re holding him back a little bit.” She was standing as they made adjustments on the dress which thankfully had made it in time to be altered.

“What? What do you mean?” Where was this question coming from?

“Well, he wants to stay here. He wants to live close to his mom and you, but I’m trying to convince him to live back home with me. Maybe if you told him it would be okay and that you’d visit he’d give in.” Your blood was boiling. Give in? His wants and needs had to mean more to her than that?

I have to calm down, I’m overreacting.

“He already told you he doesn’t want to leave? Maybe you guys should compromise? Middle-ground?” You had to put your diplomatic hat on, couldn’t just tear into this girl. The logical part of your brain told you that this was normal - couples disagree about things all the time and it made sense that she’d want to be close to her family and her home.

“Yes he’s set in his ways. It’s frustrating.” She laughed lightly. “I just think that if you gave him your blessing he’d be more open to leaving with me.”

But you don’t have my blessing, I’m the wrong person to come to with this.

“I really think you should talk to him about this - he’s never been the kind of guy to be swayed. Won’t matter what I say.” You were being honest as well as telling her it wasn’t your problem in a roundabout way. She didn’t say anything else and you could tell she wasn’t happy with your answer. You left it alone.

---

You couldn’t put it off any more, as much as you were dreading this wedding you still had responsibilities as his best-person. You had to get everything together and throw this stupid fucking bachelor party.

You messaged all of the friends you knew he kept in touch with, telling them about the outing. They had things planned the whole week up until the wedding so it had to be the Friday before the wedding. Which means you had little less than a week to get it together.

[you]: Hey Francis - can you give me Popes number? Trying to plan your party!

[Francis]: Sure - sending it now. Hopefully it’s nothing too crazy?

[you]: Shit… you mean you don’t want your own parade? Should I cancel the army of exotic dancers?

[Francis]: You’re hilarious, honestly.

[you]: just taking you to a bar you fool, just want to coordinate with him because I don’t have everyone's contact info.

[Francis]: Sounds good, thanks for this - I never got a chance to ask but how did it go at the bridal store?

[you]: Went well

You thought about everything Claudia had said and debated on telling him. Would he want you to? Would she want you to? Somehow you didn’t think she’d be too happy unless you were on her side. Which you decidedly weren’t.

[you]: Think you should talk to her, she’s not happy with you wanting to stay here, after the wedding I mean. I support you whatever you decide but she seemed to think that you needed my blessing in order to leave with her. I told her she needed to talk to you - and I’m telling you the same thing.

Being honest and supportive was the best course of action and you hoped that neither of them (him more so than her) would be upset with how you went about it.

It worried you though when he didn’t answer and you had to trust that they would both understand that you didn’t actually want to influence anyones decision.

Liar, I want him to stay. Even if it’s not with me. I want him to stay.

You pushed the thought away and messaged Pope, the both of you came together and planned a dinner for everyone on the Friday before the wedding, which would turn into the bachelor party after. In five days, he’d be married and if Claudia got her way - far far away from you.

------

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[koostarcandy]

I saw ppl loving and finding my asks interesting. ALSO you are sososos fkn beautiful .I wanna squish my honelyloopsss... I wanna make love with y'all TT. sorry I better stop my flirty ass here. I LOVE YOU BAE

1- which one of your work is your Fav?

2- Which idol occupies your thoughts when you think of something now kink/story/plot ...

3- Ever went through writers block? how often?

4- when you have writers block, what do you look up for? prompts/songs/or_____?

5- Ever wanted to name your ___ or y/n ? If yes, what would you name?

6 Ever wanted to write on one idol and end up writing another idol fic?

7- On which idol you always want to give a best try ?

8- which work of yours received unexpected love?

9- which is your one story that makes you always feel to write endlessly?

10- What can you write that no one else can?

this is the most detailed ask I've ever gotten in my inbox ㅠㅠ more under the cut !!

my favourite work(s) so far has been the delicate series and gravity. I love love love comfort fics and I always sincerely hope that anyone reading them also gets the same comfort as I do.

since I'm yoonkook biased, it's either one of the two. recently, koo has been on my mind alot for goodness knows whut reason but I'm not complaining ^^ it's not like he doesn't live rent free in my head with 6 other men either way T-T

I've experienced writer's block way too often, more than I can count. it doesn't even need to be for pieces on tumblr, it could even be for articles I used to write for my school magazine !! now that I've passed out, the only thing occupying my mind nowadays is writing, since I have nothing much better to do.

songs, always. with or without writer's block, I'm always looking for inspiration in songs. prompts sometimes do find their way in my pieces but that's just because I found a way to fit them in ^^

my ocs will always remain nameless unless it is very much needed for a story. it is for myself that I write for and then for everyone else who reads it. tho I do try to write gender neutral fics, since I identify as female, I always end up writing from the fem!pov.

when I listen to a song or think of an idea, a few ppl do stand out and I end up choosing one. for instance, for my first fic, when I listened to litn by seori, taehyung immediately popped into my head. when I started writing more, yoonie and koo were more prominent whenever I was struck with inspo. but to answer your question, no ^^ I end up writing with the person I had in mind.

I give my best try to everyone, for whoever I'm writing with ^-^

i.n.v.u fs 🤧 i never expected so many ppl to like it when I had written that in under 45 mins, which was hurriedly proof read and then posted. I'm glad it has reached alot of ppl and receiving alot of love :D

I cannot write a series for the life of me. I either cannot keep up or go ahead and write everything down. the one "series" i've stuck to has to be the delicate!family. it's the cutest story i've written so far and I always hope to write the best pieces for that au.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ i write what anyone else can, really. the general fluff and angst ^^

I had fun answering this, thanks for this one luv !!!

[jessikahathaway]

Into Eternity - FINAL

So, oh my gosh this is actually happening???

I have been writing this story for three years and it honestly has gotten me through so much? I love these characters and to give them an ending has brought me so many emotions. Thank you to everyone who has read and has loved these characters as much as I have.

Now buckle up, for the finale.

Pairing: Jimin X Reader

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Royalty!AU

Words: 8,877

Warnings: Attempted Suicide (it isn't graphic, but it's there so please be aware of that), Explicit Sexual Content, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Unprotected Sex (She preggie, but y'all be careful), Creampie, Dirty Talk. Birthing Scene (Not terribly graphic but just be aware), the fluff we've all been waiting forrrrr! (If I forgot anything please do let me know!)

It had been a week since the fight with Morgana and your death.

Jimin hadn’t been coping well at all.

Taehyung entered the bedroom where they had set you after the fight. Father Jin redressed you and washed your hair, but other than that you hadn’t moved or breathed. Nothing to note that you were alive. Father Jin had resigned himself to his room and hadn’t come out. Jungkook was training for hours on end and Taehyung was too busy trying to keep Jimin alive to do much else.

Hoseok had sent for more guards and they arrived soon after. Although they weren’t allowed inside the palace. No one was to come near, Jimin would have them beheaded.

Taehyung saw the same sight he’d seen for the last week. Jimin, at your bedside, waiting.

“Sire,” Taehyung announced his entrance.

“Taehyung,” Jimin answered softly.

“I brought you something to drink and a bit of porridge, will you eat it?” He asked, looking down at the small mugs in his hands.

“Yes, I’ll eat,” Jimin answered.

Turning around Taehyung sighed as he saw the dark bags under his eyes. The look of exhaustion that filled his frame was overwhelmingly sad. Taehyung knew his friend, and he was a shadow of himself. As if he were slowly dying without you with him.

But Taehyung pressed on, a smile coming across his features.

“Here you are,” Taehyung said, setting the mugs in his hands.

Jimin ate slowly, methodically. As if it was a chore to be doing so.

Taehyung wondered if he tasted it, his eyes were so devoid. It was like he was a skeleton walking around. No joints or ligaments, just bones clacking together. The way he moved was awkward and ungraceful, nothing like the Prince he knew. One thing was for certain.

He missed you.

“Jimin, do you want to take a bath?” Taehyung asked, looking at his friend’s appearance.

“No,” he said quietly.

“It’ll take a few minutes, please,” Taehyung urged.

“I’d rather not right now,” Jimin almost whispered.

“It’s okay, perhaps later,” Taehyung gave in, knowing that it wouldn’t happen later either.

“Taehyung,” Jimin’s voice was stronger this time.

“Yes, sire?”

“Do you think she’s really dead?”

“I don’t-”

“Perhaps this is what they wanted for me. To suffer without her,” he said bitterly.

“Don’t think so lowly of your ancestor, he tried to do what he could for you both,” Taehyung admonished.

“Perhaps I should die as well, join my beloved where we can be free together,” Jimin said, laying his head down on the bed, and gazing at you with misty eyes.

“Jimin!” Taehyung yelled.

Jimin flinched but didn’t move.

“I don’t think this is what Y/N would’ve wanted for you. She wouldn’t want to watch you starve yourself. She would want you to lie here and wait for something that might not happen. She’d want you to go out and live your life. To go out and be happy. Jimin, please listen to me. The way you’re treating yourself isn’t anything like what Y/N would’ve wanted for you. She loved you so much, and wanted nothing but the best for you. So for you to disrespect her wishes like this... It makes me sad, Jimin, truly it does.”

“So you do think she’s dead,” Jimin whispered.

“Jimin,” Taehyung said.

“Get out,” Jimin demanded softly.

“Jimin listen.”

“Get out Taehyung!” Jimin screamed, standing up.

Taehyung didn’t waste anymore time, slamming the door before he left.

--

It was the day of your funeral...

Jimin had fought tooth and nail to make sure he never saw this day, but here it was. It had been two weeks since your death. And Father Jin said it was time to lay you to rest. Jimin had denied it at first, but now, there was an eerie calm that settle over the palace. Jimin was silent, save for the few words he spoke to Taehyung. But other than that, no words left the man.

“We are here today to lay to rest a soul who has touched all of us in many ways,” Father Jin began.

You were laying in your coffin, beautiful as the day Jimin first saw you. The maids had braided gorgeous ribbons in your hair, and graced your face with the smallest amount of makeup, enhancing that natural beauty you had. Jimin’s eyes were filled with tears as he looked at you. His beloved bride, going so soon. And it was his fault you were dead. Because he couldn’t protect you.

“Jimin,” Taehyung whispered, nudging his friend.

“I’m fine,” he whispered back, wiping his eyes gingerly.

“Lady Y/N was a tender soul. Someone who wanted nothing but to share love and happiness wherever she went. I had the pleasure of knowing her, and I will forever miss her and her laughter. She is with God now, and I will take comfort in knowing that. May God rest her soul.”

Father Jin stepped away from the casket, Namjoon taking his place.

“Lady Y/N was fearless, and bright. Always willing to lend a hand to those in need. I failed her a guard and I will forever be unworthy. But as I continue on with life I will live for her, I will live with her in mind so that no one will ever suffer the same fate. I will protect the Royal family for the rest of my days, and will forever ask for forgiveness that I wasn’t able to protect them this time. Lady Y/N, I am so sorry. May you grace us with your love and kindness, so that we may forgive ourselves as well. You will be missed, dearly,” Namjoon said.

The rest of the proceedings went on, yet Jimin felt numb.

You lay there before him, so close yet out of reach. His soul yearned to reach out for yours, longing to touch you, to hold you. To bring you into his embrace and care for you as you did for him. When it was finally his turn to save you, he failed...

“Y/N was a beautiful person,” Taehyung began.

“She was smart, funny and a true joy to be around. I remember the first time I met her. She was outspoken, yet, in the best way. She challenged all of us to be better. To think more, to be more. She challenged me to be the best version of myself, and all I can say, is that I will continue to be the best person I can be. I will remember her fondly, and I will always be grateful for what she has done for me and my friends. May God rest her soul,” he repeated.

Yoongi spoke next, saying little but it was enough. Although Jimin still felt as though something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.

Soon, it was Jimin’s turn to speak.

He felt awkward as he went to the front to speak. He took a deep breath in and imagined you, holding his hand. The warmth that suffused him gave him the strength to speak.

“Y/N was... everything to me. Never have I loved like I loved her. She was beautiful, caring, sweet and... maddening. She challenged everything I knew about myself. Everything I ever thought I knew, and she changed me. Y/N changed me for the better. She made me believe that I could do anything, be anything. No matter what I thought about myself, she always believed in me. More than I did. Y/N was knowledgeable. She loved to read, I promised her a library. That way she could read without me getting in her way, I had a way of interrupting her at the most important part of the book she’d tell me...” Jimin laughed, tears coming down his cheeks. “I love her so much, even now I love her so dearly and so fiercely that this all feels wrong. To be burying her feels like a foreign concept to me that I cannot accept. I-I... don’t want this to be it.”

“Y/N, I love you. Please forgive me,” Jimin said, taking out a vial.

It was poison. Jimin had planned to end his life here. Perhaps that was what had felt so wrong the whole time. The fact that he knew he’d be ending his life in front of his friends brought him no comfort. He only felt guilt, but he couldn’t bear another day without you here. It wasn’t feasible to him. It was everything he could do to stand right now.

“Jimin no!”

“I love you, Y/N,” he whispered, bringing the vial to his lips.

“I love you too,” a soft voice answered.

Before Jimin could turn around, Namjoon and Jungkook tackled him to the ground, taking the vial from his hands.

“No!” Jimin fought back, thrashing around like a child.

“Sire please!” Jungkook said, reaching for the vial.

“Jimin?”

Everyone froze.

Jimin looked up to see you, his beloved bride, sitting up in your casket.

“Y/N?” he whispered. Unable to believe his eyes.

“Jimin? What’s going on?” you asked, looking around. From your standpoint, you felt like you’d been asleep for a very long time. As if you’d be put under a sleeping spell or something along those lines. But now, you felt better than ever, as if you were refreshed for the first time in a long while.

“Y/N...” Jimin said, looking at you in disbelief.

“Jimin, what am I doing in here?” you asked, placing your hands on the side of the coffin.

“My love,” Jimin said, standing up and coming to your side. You looked up and smiled, so glad to see him.

“Hi,” you said, placing your hand on his cheeks. He’d been crying, you could tell.

“Y/N,” he whimpered, wrapping you up in his arms and cradling you to his chest.

“Jimin?” you asked, trying to push him back so you could look at him. But he held you firm.

“My darling, I thought I lost you,” he said, tears falling down his cheeks so freely.

“I don’t understand, the last time I saw you I was... How am I here?” you asked, looking around.

“It doesn’t matter, my love, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re here now,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around you.

“But Jimin,” you started.

“Shhh,” he shushed, tangling his fingers in your hair. “I love you, so much,” he said, tilting your head up.

“I love you too,” you said back, but before you could say much else his lips were on yours. Jimin wasted no time, pulling you from the coffin without much difficulty. Jimin had you in his arms and like hell he was ever going to let you go again.

Slowly he pulled away and let his head rest against yours.

“Can you stand?” he asked, placing your feet on the ground.

“I think so,” you answered. Carefully, you took a step, almost falling to the ground if it wasn’t for Jimin’s strong arms keeping you up.

“Maybe not just yet darling, let me carry you,” he said, sweeping you up into his arms.

“Jimin!” you gasped, hanging onto his neck, not wanting to fall.

“I’ve got you,” he said, starting to carry you back towards the palace. The rest of the men there did nothing but watch as Jimin carried you in his arms.

“I never thought that this marriage would work out,” Taehyung said softly, looking at the disappearing silhouette of you and Jimin.

“Well, never say never I guess,” Namjoon said back, crossing his arms.

“I’m glad it worked out, Jimin deserves to be happy,” Jungkook commented.

“They both deserve it,” Father Jin said, smiling.

--

Your coronation was creeping up on you.

You and Jimin both would be crowned King and Queen of Arcane Kingdom. The people would be yours to govern and yours to care for. They were now your responsibility and duty. It weighed heavily on you, the stress of being a Royal. But you didn’t let it show, because you had been given a second chance at life another try.

No one gets that lucky.

But you did. And you weren’t going to waste it.

After everything that had happened, you were still so glad that you were with Jimin. Able to call him yours. It made your heart sing knowing he was your partner in all of this, your husband and truest love.

A knocking at the door shook you from your thoughts.

“Lady Y/N,” Father Jin said from the other side of the door.

“You can come in Father,” you said, putting your hairbrush down as you turned to face the door.

“I’m here as you requested,” he said, holding his bible and other various things you’d requested.

“Wonderful, I need your help,” you said, moving towards the bed.

Father Jin looked at you with confusion.

“It’s been two months and I haven’t bled yet. I-I was hoping you could find out if I was with child?” You said softly.

Father Jin almost fainted on the spot.

“W-With child? My dearest Y/N are you sure?” He asked coming forward.

“I’ve been having symptoms, the nausea in the morning, wanting weird foods and of course not bleeding but, I just wanted to know. I know if I have the palace physician check and I am pregnant he’ll run and tell Jimin. I want to tell him myself, it’s our possible child,” you said.

Father Jin beamed at you, quickly getting his materials ready.

“It would by my absolute honor my Lady,” he said. You smiled.

He busied himself with usual questions and looking at your stomach.

Finally Father Jin smiled brightly at you.

Biting your lip hard you heard his answer.

“My dear Lady Y/N, congratulations. You’re with child,” he said. Tears burst from you quickly, unable to handle the emotion of the whole situation.

You had been so worried that perhaps Morgana killing you would ruin your chances at having a child with Jimin. And considering you two had been having plenty of intimate moments, it was starting to become a fear.

But now...

Now you’re pregnant. With Jimin’s child.

Everything you’ve ever wanted and more.

“Father Jin,” you cried, hanging onto him so tightly. He pet your head gingerly, making sure you were alright before pulling back.

“Your timeline is correct, you are around two month pregnant,” he said, looking at your stomach with nothing but sheer adoration.

“I’ve been so worried,” you hiccuped.

“It’s alright Y/N, you are pregnant. And may the Lord bless you and your unborn child,” he said softly.

“Can you please keep this between us?” You asked.

“I won’t tell a soul,” he agreed.

“Thank you Father, truly, thank you so much.”

—

You were incredibly giddy for the rest of the week. Everyone had taken notice of your spunk and lively attitude. The stoic Yoongi even asked what had you all excited.

You just brushed it off, telling them you’d read a really good book or just ate something delicious. You wanted to tell Jimin so badly. But he was nowhere to be found no matter how hard you looked. The only time you were with him was when he crawled into bed with you early in the morning. Wrapping himself around you and keeping you close to him.

But he was always gone before you woke up.

You knew he was getting ready for the Royal coronation coming up soon, but it still made you a little sad. The distance.

However, you had planned it perfectly.

Jimin’s favorite lace night dress was wrapped around your body. A soft pink dressing gown over top. The man enjoyed unwrapping you like a present.

It was everything you could do not to just run to him in his study and proclaim your pregnancy to him then and there. But you oh so loved the look on his face when you gave him surprises.

Teasing little hints.

It was already late into the night, but you were determined to stay up and see your husband. It was moderately boring in your bedroom, alone, but it wouldn’t be lonely for long...

Just as you thought about going out on the balcony for some fresh air, you heard Jimin enter the room. You hadn’t seen him awake in a few days so you rushed over immediately to see him.

“Jimin!” You said, rushing to bring him into your arms.

Jimin smiled, looking exhausted, but happier now that he got to see you.

“Y/N, it’s late. What are you doing up?” He asked, kissing the top of your head with such tenderness it made your heart ache.

“Wanted to see you,” you mumbled, cheek pressed against his shoulder.

“Well, you’ve seen me. But I think it’s time for bed,” he said, removing his tunic and draping it along the chair of your vanity.

“Can we talk first? There is something important I have to tell you,” you said, taking his hand in yours.

“Is something wrong?” He asked, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb.

“Just sit down,” you said, moving him towards the bed. Jimin sat down heavily, looking up at you with a gentle smile.

“Alright my love, what did you want to discuss,” he said, rubbing his face.

He was utterly worn out, and you could see it on his face. But you knew what you were about to say would make it all worth it. It would be okay.

“Jimin, I want you to know something,” you swallowed hard. Trying to keep your emotions from becoming too much.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m fine Jimin. But, I want you to know how much I love you. How much I adore waking up in the morning next to you. And how much I love being your wife,” you said, bringing your hand to his cheek softly.

“I love you too,” he said, a smile appearing on his weary features.

“Jimin, I-I...” you stammered, trying to find the words to get them out. Jimin frowned at your flustered attitude. Normally you could tell him anything, he wondered what had gotten you so worked up.

“Jimin,” you said, walking closer. His sparkling eyes looked up at you and you so hoped the babe in your stomach would inherit those beautiful eyes.

“Jimin I’m with child,” you said, bringing his hand to your stomach.

Jimin’s whole demeanor changed instantaneously.

“What?” He croaked, looking up into your eyes with so much hope.

“Father Jin confirmed it,” you said.

“Y-You’re really pregnant?” He asked, looking at your stomach with a multitude of emotions running across his face.

“Yes,” you said.

“Oh my God, Y/N,” he cried, bringing you into his arms. Big fat tears were rolling down his face, catching in your hair and dressing gown.

“It’s okay, Jimin it’s alright,” you said, holding him tightly.

“I’ve waited for so long to hear those words from you,” he whimpered.

“I was worried that... possibly I couldn’t after-you know. But, I-I know they’re healthy, I can feel it,” you said brightly.

“I know they are too, my love. You’ll care for them so well, they’re going to be so perfect. You’re perfect,” he said, bringing his lips to yours gently.

Smiling into the kiss you attempted to deepen it, longing for your husband's touch. But Jimin quickly pulled away.

“I’m so exhausted my love, would it be okay if I just held you tonight? Both of you?” He asked, looking down at your stomach with so much love it made your heart stammer.

“Of course, Jimin, that’s always okay,” you said.

You both went to bed, sharing innocent pecks and warm words of love for each other.

It was so perfect.

—

Being pregnant was rather grueling task, you’d found out.

There were the weird food cravings. The palace chefs could hardly keep up with you. Then the constant nausea that had plagued you and often made you miss out on certain meals. And the aching of your back and feet was another problem.

But the love you felt for the being inside of you right now, was more than you could’ve ever dreamed.

Although, there was another symptom of your pregnancy that had been particularly hard to handle.

You were ravenous for your husbands touch.

Except, he hadn’t really wanted to do anything like that with you for a while... the last time you two had been intimate was when you made this baby. And that was five months ago.

Now that you were coming into a different stage of your pregnancy, everything was getting harder. Clothing yourself, putting on shoes. It was all so taxing and you mainly wanted to rest.

Unless Jimin was there.

In which case you wanted him to ravish you until the morning came.

But, for some reason, he didn’t feel the same.

Of course he loved you, this wasn’t something you doubted. But he was very busy and you were already pregnant so what was the point in engaging in those kinds of activities if the end goal was achieved... right?

You knew Jimin loved you, he said it and showed it often. But you wished he would take you to bed and pleasure you. Let you have as much of his cum as you wanted. However, something was stopping him.

And you were determined to find out what.

Walking through the palace halls you found your husband admiring the gardens out in front of the castle. Jimin loved seeing the flowers blooming and flourishing with colors. Made him feel light inside.

You came up beside him and looked at the flowers with him. He smiled at you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and bringing you close.

The two of you stood like that, in silence for a few moments before you decided to speak.

“Jimin,” you said, keeping your eyes trained outside.

“Yes my love?” He answered, looking at you with pure joy.

“You seem distant lately,” you said, wrapping your arm around his waist.

“Have I? I thought we’d been spending quite a lot of time together... although if you’re feeling neglected I can see if I have more time to spare-”

“I-uh... I’ve noticed that we haven’t been... intimate since we conceived and I was just wondering, if you simply weren’t attracted to me being like this? Or if it’s because we’re already pregnant so there’s no need to try anymore or, um, something else maybe?”

Jimin’s face looked mortified as he tried to gather his scrambled mind and unprepared thoughts.

“Y/N, love no! Of course not! I absolutely adore being intimate with you! And not attracted to you? I-I can’t hardly control myself when I’m around you. Pregnant and swollen with my child,” he said, almost growling out the last part.

“Then why Jimin? Why haven’t you been touching me? Letting me touch you! What’s going on?” You asked, wondering what was causing the distance between your husband and you.

“T-the palace physician warned me about being with you like that, I don’t want to hurt you or the baby,” he said softly.

“But it’s not dangerous-Father Jin was encouraging me to, well as much as he would encourage someone to be intimate...” you said. “He said we should be... with one another as much as we can. It’s good for us to relieve the stress and I’ll never complain about you showing your love to me and my love for you.”

“But, what if I go too hard? What if I, I don’t know, make the baby come early? Or what if-”

“Jimin, my love, these are a lot of what ifs. Not a lot of what will... Nothing will happen to me or the child. That I can promise you,” you said, holding your distended stomach with affection. “You’d never hurt us.”

The young King looked so torn. Like he truly didn’t know what to do.

“I’m just... I’m worried about you,” he said softly, resting his forehead against yours.

“I’m tough,” you said, squeezing his hand gently.

“I know, God I know how strong you are. More than fit to be the Queen of this Kingdom, my wife, my equal... But, carrying a child is no small feat,” he said, brushing your hair off your face.

“It isn’t but I’m not doing it alone,” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck. “You’ve been with me every step of the way. We had rocky beginnings, but look at where we are now. Look at how much we’ve overcome and how much we will overcome in the future. It’s incredible, Jimin. You are the ruler that destroyed the witch Morgana,” you said.

“Actually, you’re the one who dealt the killing blow on that one, I just get all the credit cause I’m the King. Unfair if you ask me,” Jimin laughed lightly.

“What I’m saying is, you’re so brave, stubborn and wickedly smart. Surely you can think of a way in which we can be intimate and it not harm me or the babe?” You said, biting your lip.

“Don’t do that, I’ve been having dreams about your sweet mouth,” he groaned.

“Mmm, have you? Perhaps I should give it to you then, hmm?” You teased.

Jimin was a rather dominant person, but you’d discovered that sometimes he likes to be pushed around in bed. Told what to do and to be praised. It wasn’t something you’d been entirely good at to start, but, with a little practice you’d gotten the hang of it.

“My love,” he croaked.

“Jimin, I know you. I know how careful and gentle you can be. I’ll tell you if anything hurts or if I’m uncomfortable. But please, please take me to bed,” you begged.

Finally, it seemed you broke through. Because soon, you were being practically dragged down the hallway. Jimin’s grip on your wrist was tight, but not enough to hurt. You smirked as he hauled you into the bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind the two of you.

“God, look at you,” he murmured, coming forward to place his hands on your swollen belly. “So beautiful, so perfect carrying my child.”

“All yours,” you agreed, humming as his lips touched your neck.

“And I’m yours,” he said softly.

“Take this off,” you pleaded, tugging at his shirt with disdain. Giving you a coy grin, he pulled the shirt off and threw it on the floor. You ran your hands over his beautiful body, teasingly pinching his nipple, causing him to flinch.

“Little sprite, I’ll teach you to tease me,” he growled. Wetness pooled between your legs. Jimin came forward, finally connecting your lips.

Kissing Jimin was something you’d never tire of. You were certain. The way his plush lips moved over yours with reckless abandon make you squirm. His mouth captured your own, pulling you into a romantic embrace as the pair of you shared your breath.

“Jimin,” you whispered as he pulled away.

“What is it my love? What do you desire?” He asked, moving his lips along your jawline.

“Whatever you’ll give me, I want it all,” you pleaded.

“My my, so greedy. What a greedy Queen I have,” he tutted. You whined at his tone, wanting nothing more for the clothes between you to be removed.

“I just want you, only you,” you pleaded.

“You have me my love, all of me,” he said, kissing you softly. You wrapped your arms around his neck, cradling his head. You felt the back of your bed against your knees, forcing you to sit down while Jimin kissed you with such ferocity it made your poor core clench tightly around nothing.

“And you have all of me in return,” you smiled. Jimin pushed you onto your back, making you stare at the ceiling. Your heart was hammering so hard in your chest, you could feel it in your throat.

“I-Is it okay if I pleasure you? With my mouth?” He asked, looking at you beneath his long lashes. You smiled and brushed his hair from his face gently, but this was not without difficulty, you swollen tummy proving to be an obstacle.

“Mmm, that does sound nice. But, you have had me wait five months for you. I’m slightly tempted to skip the foreplay and go right for the main event,” you mused, watching as Jimin’s eyes inflated slightly. You smiled at his obvious desire for you, before you sat up and undid the ties at the front of your gown. Jimin watched as your chest relaxed, breasts bigger than they were before you’d gotten pregnant.

“I-If you’re wet enough,” he said, licking his lips.

“Why don’t you check?” You said, peeling your dress from your shoulders and easing the fabric down. Jimin moved so you could wiggle out of the offending material and lay naked on the bed. He was astounded and slightly concerned that you hadn’t been wearing any undergarments underneath.

“Oh my beautiful wife, how lucky am I to have someone like you...” he trailed off, gazing at your center with wanton desire.

“I’m just as lucky, if not more so,” you smiled, tugging on his ashy locks, earning you a warning grunt in response.

“A husband who neglects his wife for months on end? Surely you jest with me,” he chuckled sadly.

“You are more than attentive. Sometimes smothering, but never neglectful. Jimin listening to the palace physician isn’t wrong. He just happens to think he knows everything while Father Jin has had actual experience with pregnancy and birth. By the way, he will be delivering our child, not that ridiculous palace physician. I’d rather not have him near me when I’m giving birth,” you huffed, pouting slightly.

“Oh? I see, who else did you want there while you deliver? I know I should’ve asked this but-”

“You, Father Jin to deliver and Jungkook as well as Taehyung. Yoongi and Namjoon, and... Hoseok,” you said pondering for a moment.

“Those are all men, Y/N,” Jimin reminded, pouting from above you.

“And? Hoseok is our Godfather for the child, I believe he should be there. Jungkook is good in a crisis and also has knowledge of pregnancy and birth from his mother. Taehyung is such a dear friend, I certainly want him there. Yoongi is always calm and collected, and Namjoon would just feel left out if I didn’t include him!”

“You missed one,” he frowned.

“Of course I want you there silly. It’s your fault I’m like this, so you’re going to be there for the whole thing, no stepping out and no leaving me, understood?” You asked, raising a brow at him. Jimin just nodded.

“It’s not just my fault you’re like this, I don’t ever recall you saying no,” he snarked.

“I’m also not saying no now, if we could get back on track?” You asked, bringing his hand to your throbbing center. Jimin seemed to get the message as he rubbed his fingers along your slit, collecting your slick between the pads of his fingers and your skin.

“My love, so ready for me,” he murmured, coming in closer to kiss your neck. You let out a sigh of pleasure, running your hands down his back, scratching along the skin gently, causing goosebumps to rise in your wake. He groaned as you gripped his ass in your palms, causing him to rut forward like a pup in heat. You smirked at his enthusiasm, squeezing once more before he whined against your skin.

“Oh!” You gasped as he entered one finger inside your tight heat. A soft groan came from his cherry red lips, causing you to clamp down on the digit inside of you. Jimin moved his finger gently, stretching your hole out carefully. Everything he did, he did with purpose. It made your heart stammer in your chest as you could feel another finger slipping in next to the first one.

“So tight,” he growled, pumping in and out of you with a delicious tempo that had your hips grinding down against his hand. “You’re soaking the bed my darling.”

“I-I can’t help it, you feel too good,” you moaned.

“Mm, you sure I can’t have a taste? Just a little bit wouldn’t hurt,” he whispered against the shell of your ear. You wanted so badly to encourage his devilish mouth, but you gripped his wrist and forced him to stop moving those dangerous fingers inside of you.

He looked worried for a moment. But you smoothed your thumb over his brow.

“I can’t wait any more, please don’t make me wait,” you whined, humping against his fingers. “Give it to me, please. Fill me up.”

Jimin’s eyes turned dark as he pulled his hand away from your center. Watching with rapt attention you saw him take his sticky digits and put them in his mouth, sucking lewdly on your arousal. Jimin made a show of it. Licking and sucking on his fingers, trying to get every last drop of your essence off of his fingers. He was also proving that he could pleasure you with his mouth if you’d only let him.

“You want my cock? Want it so bad huh? My beautiful Queen, you want it? Huh? Tell me why I should give it to you?” He said, eyes glazing over as you presented yourself on all fours for him.

“Because, I’ve been so good for you. I’m carrying your baby, so pregnant and full, but not full enough. I need more, more of your cum Jimin. Want more of it leaking from me, please, remind me how you got me pregnant. Please, won’t you give me your cock? Your cum? Please, I want it so badly,” you pleaded.

Jimin’s eyes darkened further. He knew you were good at begging, it was one of his favorite things to teach you, because you learned so quickly what he liked. And he would never be able to deny such an earnest request.

“If that’s what you want my love, then you’ll have it. Have me,” he agreed, moving off the bed to push his pants and underwear to the ground before coming back to the bed. You felt his presence behind you, smoothing over your back gently. “Is this position okay? Or do you need something different?” He asked, kissing your shoulder.

“This is okay, I’m comfortable,” you encouraged. “Now, fuck me.”

Jimin needed no further words as he sank into you slowly for the first time in months. The pair of you breathed out heavy sighs as you finally felt the fullness you’d been craving for weeks. Jimin choked on a moan when you flexed your walls around him, making him buck into you a little harsher than expected.

“Sorry! I haven’t-Since we haven’t been doing anything I haven’t even pleasured myself, I haven’t had the time, you feel so good around me, fuck,” he moaned out, gripping your hips firmly.

“It’s okay, I won’t last long. I’ve missed you so much,” you moaned, your fists tightening in the bed sheets beneath you.

“Oh shit,” he growled, bucking into you again, building a steady rhythm that had your chest jolting almost painfully. Your core was soaking, and Jimin wasn’t letting up. He was fucking into you so hard some of your arousal was falling down your thighs.

“Jimin, harder,” you pleaded, head falling into the mattress. Your husband didn’t have to be told twice as he started rutting into your wet heat with vigor.

“I’ve been thinking about this everyday since you told me you were pregnant,” he snarled, pulling all the way out just to force himself back in once more. You cried out when his fingers found your clit, causing you to grind back against him. The air rushed from his lungs as he watched you practically use him for your own pleasure.

“Everyday? Then why didn’t you do anything?” You whined, bouncing back against him harshly. Jimin swallowed hard as he tried to stave off his looming orgasm.

“Because the physician... I was worried I’d hurt you or the baby, like I said earlier. But now that I know this is safe, don’t expect to be able to walk for a while,” he warned, pulling on your sensitive nipples gingerly. You cried out into the mattress when milk started to leak down Jimin’s hand. He watched as the pearly white substance soaked the sheets beneath you like your arousal had earlier.

“Fuck! Jimin, keep going please!” You begged when he got distracted by your chest practically flooding the bed.

“Have you not been expressing the milk? Doesn’t it hurt?” He asked.

“Yes, it aches so much during the day and I’m so sensitive when I try to sleep. Sometimes I wake up and my nightdress is soaked from milk,” you whined, trying to reach for him so he would keep pounding into you.

“Mm, since I didn’t get to have a taste of your pussy... Maybe you’ll let me have something else instead,” he teased, licking the milk off of his hands and groaning when it hit his tastebuds.

“More, please more!” You begged. Jimin noticed your frantic bouncing and eased you into a spooning position. He was still throbbing inside of you, but you could feel his head come to your shoulder, placing soft kisses against it.

“Let me drink from you, it must hurt my darling. So full and heavy with milk for our child, but they can share, surely?” He teased, kissing the side of your breast while giving shallow thrusts to your womanhood.

“You can have it, whatever you want as long as you keep fucking me. Please, Jimin, I’m so close,” you whimpered. Sensing your urgency Jimin started his brutal pace back up. You cried out in bliss when his mouth met your sensitive nipple. Jimin gently suckled at your chest, causing more milk to enter his mouth.

He groaned at the flavor and gave a few sharp ruts into your clenching pussy. You were besides yourself with pleasure, almost in tears at all the stimulation.

Jimin wasn’t doing much better. Five months without even masturbating was proving to be his end far too quickly.

“Y/N, I’m going to cum. Are you close?” He asked, reaching down to push at your clit gently.

“Yes! Right there, pleasepleaseplease! Jimin,” you cried. Your walls tightened beyond belief, causing Jimin to freeze in his thrusting. He watched your face as you fell apart for him, causing him to reach his end as well. A cry of your name on his lips as ropes of hot cum painted your walls milky white. Jimin shuddered in overstimulation as you continued to clench yourself around his spent cock.

The pair of you lay there, clutching each other in the afterglow as you tried to catch your breath. Jimin decided to move first, pulling his still twitching length from your abused center. You watched as he stood on wobbly legs and came back with a towel to clean you up with. A soft smile took over your features as you spread your legs easily for him.

After he was satisfied, you opened your arms for him. Jimin moved forward without hesitation, wrapping your exhausted body with his own. He kissed the top of your head, then around your jaw and finally a firm kiss was placed on your lips.

“I love you so much my darling,” he smiled, resting his head on the pillow.

“I love you too, we both do.”

—

You’d never thought that giving birth would be a pleasant experience.

But never in your entire life did you imagine it would hurt this much.

The contractions had started early in the morning. Making you wake Jimin with a frantic push.

“My love what is it?” He asked, sitting up in the bed with a bewildered look on his face.

“Get Father Jin right now,” you demanded, leaning forward to hold your severely swollen stomach. Jimin was out of bed and quickly called the guards to get the Priest from his room as fast as possible.

They yelled back their confirmation before they hurried off. You felt the distinct cramping from your groin and moaned low in pain. Jimin came back over to you, looking at you with worry etched onto his features.

“Do you want anything? Anyone? I’ll call for whatever you need,” he said, taking your shaking hands in his.

“Good morning,” you whispered, giving him a weak smile.

“Good morning,” he smiled back, kissing your knuckles gently.

Soon you were in a different room entirely, getting settled into the blankets and all the people close to you had been summoned.

Jungkook and Taehyung had gotten there first, both excited and ready for the proceedings.

“Lady Y/N! It’s really happening? Oh my gosh! I’m so excited for you,” Jungkook said, coming over to place a gentle kiss on your hand out of respect.

“Thank you Jungkook, how is training the new recruits going?” You asked, trying to distract yourself from the pain.

“Oh that’s all boring! We don’t want to hear about that!” Taehyung said, coming next to you and also kissing your hand.

“Maybe she does my Lord,” Jungkook sneered. You knew the two of them had always had a friendly competition going on. But, right now you shushed them and told them to go sit down.

Hoseok and Namjoon were next, coming in shortly after Taehyung and Jungkook.

“My lady,” Namjoon said, taking to his knee in front of you.

“There’s no need for that right now, Namjoon. How are you? We haven’t had tea in a while, and I fear if this babe comes now we might not for a long while yet,” you teased and Namjoon just smiled as he stood up.

“We can sneak some tea in soon my Lady, leave the child with the King to see how he fares,” he smirked. Jimin was pouting. You knew it without even looking at him.

“I might have to do that,” you smiled. Hoseok came over quickly after, kissing your hand a few times before looking at you with excitement.

“Is there anything you want? Anything you need? I know you’re not supposed to eat anything right now but maybe some water?” He asked.

“It’s so sweet of you to offer, but right now I’m just tired and a little cranky,” you laughed, trying to keep yourself in good spirits.

Hoseok seemed to understand, giving your hand a soft squeeze before walking over to talk with Namjoon and Jungkook.

“Where’s Yoongi? And Father Jin?” You asked, looking around.

“We’re here!” Father Jin said, a bright smile on his face as he escorted a grumpy looking Yoongi through the doorway.

“Yeah, here,” Yoongi said, yawning and scowling at the older man.

“I’m sorry to wake you,” you whispered, reaching out for the stoic man. His resolve quickly melted as he came by and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of your hand.

“I’m sure you’d rather be sleeping now too, but I’m fine. Are you alright?” He asked, looking at you with an intensity you always forgot he possessed.

“Yes, just some contractions right now. My water hasn’t broken yet,” you said. Yoongi nodded and looked at Jimin with a soft smile.

“How are you faring, feeling okay?” He asked, looking at the father to be with kind eyes.

“Nervous, but happy,” he confirmed, taking your hand in his.

“Wonderful,” he yawned, going to sit down and hopefully doze off while you were still in the early stages.

Father Jin gathered everyone up and they all listened attentively to whatever he had to say. The day progressed and your water hadn’t broken yet, but the men all stayed, asking if there was anything you needed, holding your hand if you felt a particularly rough contraction.

But most importantly, Jimin was right by your side the whole time.

When your water did finally break, it was like hell also had broken loose.

It was later, probably afternoon when you felt it happen.

Father Jin was suddenly on his feet demanding towels and hot water for you, as well as some herbs that would help numb the pain as much as they could. Jimin looked panic stricken when you clutched onto his hand.

“It’s okay,��� he said softly, brushing your hair away from your face.

“I’m scared,” you whispered, another wave of pain crashing through you without remorse.

“I’m scared too,” he confessed. “But I know you can do it. You’re already the perfect wife, now you’re going to be the perfect mother... Our child is almost here,” he said, kissing your cheek.

“Jungkook, Lord Taehyung each of you grab a leg and hold them please,” Father Jin said as he sat in front of you. Both men looked shocked at the idea, but you and Jimin both nodded, giving them permission.

Jungkook gently placed his hands on your calf and pushed your leg back holding it in position for you. Taehyung did the same, each of them keeping their eyes respectful.

“Why do we have to hold her legs?” Taehyung asked, looking at Jungkook.

“Gives her more leverage and relieves some of the pressure on her back,” Jungkook answered.

“The only problem is it can close off the birthing canal at an awkward angle, but for now this is the best position to give her a break,” Father Jin said.

When you started pushing, you felt your lower back ache with how much strain you were under. Jimin could only watch as you cried out in pain when Father Jin urged you to keep going.

Everyone in the room was tense with worry.

Your health had always been fragile, even after coming back from the dead you still fell sick easily and had trouble with your lungs. But Father Jin was focused on the baby, while Jimin was focused on you.

“I never expected it to hurt this much,” Namjoon whispered, watching on in horror as his Queen and dear friend struggled to keep conscious through the pain.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” you wailed. Hoseok was quick to grab a bucket that was formerly filled with water and held it as you threw up. Jimin smoothed his hands down your back, trying to keep himself from crying. Jungkook and Taehyung had given you a break with your legs so you could turn as you emptied your stomach.

“Y/N,” Jimin murmured, kissing your shoulder gently.

“Sit back straight, Y/N, you need to keep pushing,” Father Jin said. You were delirious with pain and exhaustion. You needed something to keep you grounded. The one thing you knew would always keep you grounded.

“My love, talk to me, just keep talking to me,” you pleaded, voice hoarse with how much you’d been crying.

“Y/N, it’s alright,” Jimin soothed, kissing your sweaty forehead with worry. “They’re almost here, we’re so close to meeting our baby. We’re so close to being a family.”

“Alright your Majesty another big push on the count of three, one... two... three!” Father Jin said, you pushed hard and felt nothing but sheer agony as the child started crowning.

“I can see the head!” Hoseok said, standing behind Father Jin, now hanging onto Yoongi tightly.

“Oh my God,” you cried, head falling back on the pillows.

“Keep pushing Y/N!” Father Jin said, preparing a cloth.

“I can’t, I really can’t, I’ll die if I keep going please,” you stammered. Taehyung and Jungkook shared an anxious look. Namjoon looked at you with fear written all over his features.

“My love, look at me,” Jimin said softly, bringing your eyes to his.

“It hurts, I can’t... Please don’t make me, ah!” You cried out as you felt another contraction.

“Y/N you need to push! Hard as you can,” Father Jin said, looking at your situation.

“Keep going Lady Y/N,” Jungkook said, looking up to your weary face. He’d seen several women give birth in his village, his mother being a midwife. But, to see someone he cared about going through this was difficult.

“You’ll be alright, you will. But if you stop pushing you’re putting you and the baby in danger,” Father Jin warned.

“How much longer?” You cried, giving another hard push.

“You’re so close,” Yoongi said, watching you with concern.

“You’re doing great!” Taehyung chirped, watching on in amazement.

He couldn’t wait to have his own family...

“The head is almost out, come on Y/N, keep going,” Father Jin said.

“Jimin,” you whimpered, clutching his hand as you gave the hardest push yet.

“I love you so much, keep going Y/N, I love you,” he whispered into your ear. You pushed again and finally, finally there was some relief.

“Oh my God!” Hoseok yelped, gripping onto Yoongi’s arm so tight he was certain that he was going to break his limb.

“You’re going to rip my arm off! Father Jin is a little busy right now!” Yoongi growled.

“Can you give me one more push? Just one more,” Jimin asked, kissing your shoulder. Looking at him with tears in your eyes you nodded, giving another strong push before soft cries filled the room.

“It’s a boy!”

“A prince!”

“Congratulations your majesties!”

You slumped back onto the bed, breathing heavily when a small bundle was placed on your chest. Looking down you saw your son, wiped off haphazardly and clutching your nightdress tightly.

“Oh Y/N,” Jimin whispered, placing a gentle kiss on your lips.

“He’s so handsome!” Hoseok cooed, looking on at you and Jimin both. Father Jin had you push a few more times to deliver the afterbirth, but nothing was as intense as giving birth to your son.

“Ji...min...” you breathed, eyes growing heavy.

“Can she rest Father?” Taehyung asked, looking at the little prince attached to his mother with tear filled eyes.

“Not yet, Y/N, stay awake,” Father Jin warned.

“Why...?” You asked, slowly taking in deep breaths.

“I need to check you and the baby over, and he needs to feed,” Father Jin said softly, cleaning you up still. Your eyes were still heavy, but you heard your baby crying softly on your chest.

Instinctively you shushed him, bringing him to your chest so he could latch on. After a little struggle, he was feeding eagerly. You brushed his hair gently, watching with sleepy eyes as he ate his fill.

Father Jin came over, congratulating you on a wonderful delivery. He did tell you everything you needed to do for the coming days, encouraging you to stay in bed and keep the baby close to form a relationship. He also told Jimin to take the baby and have time as well.

“It’s important that you two stay together for this coming week, I’ll make sure that the advisors and everyone just leaves you alone unless it is absolutely life or death,” Father Jin said, looking at your babe with a tenderness that made your heart swell.

“What’s the baby’s name? Hmm? What do we call our new prince?” Namjoon asked, raising a brow.

“Jihoon?” You asked, looking at Jimin for confirmation.

“It’s perfect,” Jimin agreed, giving you a kiss on the forehead.

“Prince Jihoon, I’ll let the advisors and everyone know,” Taehyung said, running into the hall.

“Lord Taehyung! Just hang on a second!” Namjoon yelled, chasing after the excited noble.

“We’d better go and make sure they don’t get into any trouble,” Yoongi said to Jungkook, patting his shoulder before guiding the younger male out the door.

“As much as I’d love to spend time with my Godchild, I have to make sure that my brother and friends don’t cause a scene,” Hoseok said. He came up and gave your hand a gentle kiss. “Congratulations Lady Y/N, I’m truly happy for you.”

With that he left the room, followed shortly by Father Jin.

You and Jimin were alone with your baby, the soft sound of his gurgles filling the room. Jimin looked down at you, eyes watery as he kissed your child’s head. You brushed the tears away from his face, even though exhaustion was flooding your aching body, you wanted to make sure he was okay too. He had also been through a lot today.

“I love you,” you said, watching as more tears fell from his eyes.

“I love you too, both of you... So much,” he whimpered. “That was the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to experience.”

“Heartbreaking?” You wondered out loud.

“To see you in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do about it,” he said, looking at your child, hands shaking.

“It’s alright, I’m okay now,” you said, holding his hand in your clammy one. Jimin pressed a delicate kiss to your wrist, looking up at you with so much love and adoration.

“I’m sorry you hurt so much, if I could take your pain I would,” he said, brushing your hair back.

“Doesn’t hurt anymore,” you mumbled, eyes closing slowly. “Just tired now...”

“Sleep my love, we’ll be here when you wake up.”

And they were.

And they always would be.

Forever.

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Songs that make me think of the Marauders (PART TWO)

(part one)

Everything Happens For A Reason (Madison Beer)

Remus, after the Prank, completely heartbroken and completely confused… when did Sirius stop loving him in that sweet, gentle way he’d always promised to?

When did Sirius start seeing him as the monster he's always sworn Remus isn't?

I used to believe That everything happens for a reason But I just can't find a reason You'd wanna hurt me so bad

Can't get no relief Time moves on with the seasons But I still can't find a reason You'd wanna hurt me so bad

And what in the world did I do to deserve such a pain in my heart? Guess it's true I'm never getting over you

I still love you I still want you I still love you

If You Love Her (Forest Blakk)

This is the song Sirius and Remus play during their first dance. Fight me.

She always has trouble falling asleep And she likes to cuddle while under the sheets She loves pop songs and dancing, and bad trash TV There's still a few other things She loves love notes and babies and likes giving gifts Has a hard time accepting a good compliment She loves her whole family and all of her friends So if you're the one she lets in

Kiss her with passion as much as you can Run your hands through her hair whenever she's sad And when she doesn't notice how pretty she is Tell her over and over, so she never forgets

Take it If she gives you her heart, don't you break it Let your arms be a place she feels safe in She's the best thing that you'll ever have On days when it feels like the whole world might cave in Stand side by side and you'll make it She'll love you if you love her like that

cowboy like me (Taylor Swift)

Sirius and Remus go on the run together after James’ death. Not at first - they meet up in a bar about three months after. But after that three months they’re inseparable again - desperately in love, playing Robin Hood, driving a blue Mustang into the sunset - they’re miserable, sure, but they’re also very good at pretending they’re not.

And you asked me to dance But I said, "dancing is a dangerous game" Oh, I thought, this is gonna be one of those things I've got some tricks up my sleeve Takes one to know one You're a cowboy like me Never wanted love, just a fancy car Now I'm waiting by the phone

Perched in the dark Telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear Like it could be love I could be the way forward, only if they pay for it You're a bandit like me, eyes full of stars Hustling for the good life Never thought I'd meet you here It could be love We could be the way forward, and I know I'll pay for it

And the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to mess this up And the old men that I've swindled really did believe I was the one And the ladies lunching have their stories about when you passed through town But that was all before I locked it down Now you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon With your boots beneath my bed Forever is the sweetest con

And I'm never gonna love again I'm never gonna love again

no body, no crime (Taylor Swift)

Sirius Black’s soulmate, James Potter, is dead. And Sirius knows who did it.

He just can’t prove it.

(I rewrote it for y'all. You're welcome.)

Cell Block Tango (from "Chicago")

The Dark Marauders. James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, Severus, and Regulus - performing uselessly sensual dance routines in Azkaban because why the fuck not? Their Dark Lord is dead, and all they have left of him is their loyalty and a bout of snakes and skulls on their arms.

(Wrote this one too. Again, you're welcome.)

Broken Bones (KALEO)

Remus Lupin is a werewolf, and every full moon, this song runs through his mind as James and Sirius envelop his naked body in their arms and tell him he’s beautiful, and so so good, and they’ll love him forever and ever and ever, they promise. And for a single, measley second every time, Remus believes them.

Hoping things might go my way Some might say I talk loud, see if I care Unlike them, don't walk away from my fear I've busted bones, broken stones, looked the devil in the eye I hope he's going to break these chains

Another hard day, no water, no rest I saw my chance, so I got him at last I took his six shooter, put two in his chest He'll never say a word no more The devil got him good for sure

Ain't got no place to call a home Only chains and broken bones Ain't got no place to call a home So come on lord, won't you take me now? So come on lord, what you waiting for?

Oh, the devil's going to make me a free man The devil's going to set me free The devil's going to make me a free man The devil's going to set me free...

traitor (Olivia Rodrigo)

Sirius is innocent. Remus believes that. Remus knows that. He knows it. Because he doesn’t know how he’ll live if he’s wrong. Well, okay, he knows -

He won’t.

Brown guilty eyes and little white lies Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew That you'd talk to her, maybe did even worse I kept quiet so I could keep you

And ain't it funny how you ran And ain't it funny how you said you were friends? Now it sure as hell don't look like it

Ain't it funny all the twisted games All the questions you used to avoid?

Ain't it funny? Remember I brought her up, and you told me I was paranoid

You betrayed me And I know that you'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter

God, I wish that you had thought this through Before I went and fell in love with you When she's sleeping in the bed we made Don't you dare forget about the way you betrayed me

Never Not (Lauv)

The Marauders, slowly breaking apart over the years. James and Lily settle in London, and Sirius and Remus run off to travel the world. They split off somewhere in Asia and forget to call. Peter cleans dishes in Hogwarts’ kitchens and Severus spends his time in those dungeons, teaching potions and writing letters he never sends. Regulus holes up in Grimmauld Place, never marrying, never moving. James and Lily divorce when Harry is ten, and go their separate ways. They always move forward, but -

They also always look back.

I lost myself, seventeen Then you came, found me There's a room in my heart with the memories we made Took them down but they're still in their frames There's no way I could ever forget

For as long as I live, and as long as I love I will never not think about you From the moment I loved I knew you were the one And no matter whatever I do I will never not think about you

What we had only comes once in a lifetime For the rest of mine, I'll always compare To the room in my heart with the memories we made Nights on fifth, in between B and A

Didn't we have fun? Didn't we have fun, looking back?

We were so beautiful We were so tragic No other magic could ever compare...

Scared To Live (The Weeknd)

Sirius and Remus after twelve years apart, having no idea what to do with each other. They were in love once - are in love? - but those days are long gone. Sirius sees how Remus looks at Tonks, but knows Remus can’t ever really love her, much as he likes her, because his heart has forgotten every word but Sirius' name. And Sirius is happier than he thought he’d ever get to be without James, really, though he’s far from happy or even content - is this all there is? Is this how they die? Is this their ending?

No. No. No, after everything, this can’t be it - this cannot be it.

(But if he dies, well... he hopes Remus lives on without him. Happier.

I guess.)

When I saw the signs, I should've let you go But I kept you beside me And if I held you back, at least I held you close Should have known you were lonely

I know things will never be the same Time we lost will never be replaced I'm the reason you forgot to love So don't be scared to live again Be scared to live again No, don't be scared to live again

You always miss the chance to fall for someone else Cause your heart only knows me They try to win your love, but there was nothing left They just made you feel lonely

I am not the man I used to be Did some things I couldn't let you see Refused to be the one who taints your heart

I hope you know that I've been praying that you find yourself We fell apart, right from the start I should have made you my only

So don't be scared to live again I said, "don't be scared to live again"

I Know Where I've Been (from "Hairspray! Live")

Remus and Sirius, sad and happy together, alone in Grimmauld Place and dancing deep into the night as this song plays on the record player and they sway. Their whole lives have been war, but in these moments, there is peace.

Fleeting, hopeless peace, but peace nonetheless.

There's a light in the darkness Though the night is black There's a light burning bright Showing me the way But I know where I've been

There's a cry in the distance It's a voice that comes from deep within There's a cry asking why I pray the answer's up ahead Cause I know where I've been

There's a road we've been travelling Lost so many on the way But the riches will be plenty Worth the price we had to pay

There's a dream in the future There's a struggle we have yet to win And there's pride in my heart Cause I know where I'm going And I know where I've been

Brooklyn Baby (Lana Del Rey)

Sirius Black being himself, and James Potter and Remus Lupin being in love with him.

They say I'm too young to love you I don't know what I need They think I don't understand The freedom land of the seventies

I think I'm too cool to know ya You say I'm like the ice, I freeze I'm churning out novels like Beat poetry on Amphetamines

Well, my boyfriend's in a band He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed I've got feathers in my hair I get down to beat poetry And my jazz collection's rare I can play most anything I'm a Brooklyn baby

They say I'm too young to love you They say I'm too dumb to see They judge me like a picture book By the colors, like they forgot to read I think we're like fire and water I think we're like the wind and sea You're burning up, I'm cooling down You're up, I'm down You're blind, I see

But I'm free I'm free

I'm talking about my generation Talking about that newer nation And if you don't like it, you can beat it Beat it, baby You never liked the way I said it If you don't get it, then forget it Cause I don't have to fucking explain

Yeah, my boyfriend's pretty cool But he's not as cool as me Cause I'm a Brooklyn baby I'm a Brooklyn baby

I Can't Go On Without You (KALEO)

Sirius and Remus are lost to each other, for twelve years and then two more, Sirius locked behind bars and then a Veil and Remus on the run alone and then with a woman he’s somehow fooled himself into thinking he loves.

They’ll be together again. One day. But for now, there’s nothing to do but wait.

Alone.

Well, they thought they were made for each other Only thinking of one another Never thinking just for one second She would take a different attraction

We don't want that We don't want that, oh no I can't go on without you

Oh, so what's the point of breaking my sweet heart? She wanted me to let down my guard Well, you know what they say It's better that way So, you better hush and walk away

Well, was I supposed to wait for you sweetheart? And hide away the shame, yes I keep it all inside Though the thought had crossed my mind! To do all the things I'll regret, we don't want that

I can't, I can't, I can't go on without you I can't go on without you, oh, lord I can't go on without you, babe

Oh, she loves me She loves me not She loves me My love don't love me...

Oh, so what is left but a broken man? Cause nothing hurts like a woman can I can't go on without you...

happier (Olivia Rodrigo)

Sirius as he watches Remus fall in love with Tonks right in front of him, unable to love Sirius the same way after everything. Sirius loves his cousin - he does. He just kind of hates her, too.

There’s been a lot of things in this life he’s been afraid of, but Remus leaving him never even crossed his mind.

That was his mistake, I guess…

Fuck.

You've moved on, found someone new One more girl who brings out the better in you And I thought my heart was attached For all the sunlight of our past But she's so sweet, she's so pretty Does she mean you forgot about me?

And do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean Remember when I believed you meant it when you said it first to me? And now I'm picking her apart Like cutting her down make you miss my wretched heart But she's beautiful, she looks kind, she probably gives you butterflies

Say you love her, baby, just not like you loved me And think of me fondly when your hands are on her

I hope you're happy, just not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier.

That's The Kind Of Woman (Julia Michaels)

James left Sirius for Lily, and that was okay. Sirius loved Lily, and he loved James, so it was okay. At least he still had Remus.

Well, he did. Until Tonks came along.

It’s okay. Really. Sirius has gone his whole life feeling unloved.

He can die that way too.

OR

James, Sirius, and Remus fell in love in fourth year, and it was wonderful. And then Sirius started to notice things - small things, little things. Like the gentle way James and Remus are with each other, the way they wake each other up with kisses in the morning and dance the night before the full moon, the way their hands fit together the way everyone expected Sirius’ to fit with them, but better.

The way they love each other more than him.

And that’s okay. That’s fine. He wants them to be happy, and they make each other happy. So he lets them go the last day of seventh year, and disappears into the wind never to be seen again, just like their love for him.

Childhood picket fence, smells like confidence Raised with a little more common sense Isn't always on defense Sits up straight and knows how to take a compliment Jealous but the right amount Isn't scared of missing out, missing out's scared of missing her Doesn't buy things to fill voids Doesn't hate the sound of her own voice

Doesn't cry when someone leaves Isn't contradictory Mind takes a break when she falls asleep Always takes her own advice Crosses T's and cuts her ties Figured out sympathize from empathize Doesn't keep those letters in a drawer Doesn't keep a closet full of things she bought and never wore Gives all her attention to the people that are with her She still loves to dance She still loves her sister

If the me I am Walked out that door Would I miss her?

Maybe, a little bit, sure Oh, I love myself, but I'd love her more Yeah, that's the kind of woman I'd leave me for

Quarter Past Midnight (Bastille)

The Marauders steal a Muggle’s pick-up truck and fly down the highway, literally. The lights are bright and the music is loud, and they’re screaming with laughter, dancing and kissing under the stars. It’s that one perfect moment, the one poets write about seeking their whole lives. This is that moment, this is their moment.

They’ll never be this happy again.

It's a quarter past midnight as we cut through the city The streets are getting restless Good times, bad decisions And the sirens are mending some hearts But we're the losers on our back seats Singing love will tear us apart

It's a quarter past midnight, still avoiding tomorrow It's a quarter past midnight, but we're just getting going We keep on running through a red light Like we're trying to burn the night away This is my favorite part Help me piece it all together, darling Before it falls apart

And the speakers are blowing We want the bodies on the billboards Not the lives underneath them And now we're crawling up the walls again And it's a quarter past twelve And you said we'd leave this place in dust And fall from heaven straight through hell We never know what we have We never knew what we had

We keep on running Why are we always chasing after something Like we're trying to throw our lives away?

And the secrets are flowing Our lips are getting looser I don't know what I'm saying We never knew what we had I never know what I've had

Home (Edith Whiskers)

The Marauders remember each other in a haze - well. The ones that are still alive do, that is.

Regulus, falling.

James, fighting.

Lily, screaming.

Sirius, smiling.

Peter, choking.

Remus, crying.

Severus, bleeding.

They all went, and not one peacefully.

If I close my eyes, I can still see them. Laughing.

I do love my ma and pa Not the way that I do love you Well, holy moly, me oh my, you're the apple of my eye Girl, I've never loved one like you Man, oh, man, you're my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness There ain't nothing that I need Well, hot and heavy pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ Ain't nothing please me more than you

I'll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark Moats and boats and waterfalls, alleyways and pay phone calls I've been everywhere with you We laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night Nothing new is sweeter than with you And in the streets, we run afree, like it's only you and me Geez, you're something to see

Oh, home, let me come home Home is whenever I'm with you Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I'm with you

I Hate That You're Happy (Tiny Little Houses)

Severus is alone, alone again. Lily’s gone. She’s run off to marry James Potter, the prat, and Severus - Severus doesn’t hope for much in this life, but he holds out hope for her. Because everyone knows she loves James now, but she loved Severus once too… and she still keeps his green ribbon tied around her ring finger, almost like they’re still married in mind.

So Severus keeps his vows to her. He promised her forever - it’s okay, honestly. That forever can be spent apart. He’ll love her anyway.

He'll love her always.

I'm sorry if I ever hurt you And I never kissed you enough And I just have trouble unravelling sometimes The feelings that I kept locked up

And I know it's my own misfortune And I didn't hold tight enough But I found it hard to keep myself whole While drowning in my bitter blood

I'll stay awake again and start feeling The spot where you used to reside And I'll lay beneath these cold empty sheets Huddled and clutching my sides

And I know it's my own misfortune And darling, believe me, I do And you've got your problems, and hell I've got mine But I find it hard that we're through

And I hate when you're with him And I hate when you smile And I hate that for once you don't seem like you've cried And I hate that you've kissed him And I hate that I'm sore But most of all I hate that you're happier than before

And I hate when you're with him And at night you're entwined And I hate that I have to pretend that I'm fine And I hate that I miss you but you miss him more But most of all I hate that you're happier than before Most of all I hate that you're happier than before

Call Your Girlfriend (Clara Mae)

James knows Lily isn’t happy with him. It’s been months, she’s had plenty of time to come around, but she just - she doesn’t love him. She never has. He should’ve seen that, but he was too busy hating the greasy-haired git to realize that Lily has always loved him more than anything else.

Gently, he lets her go. He presses the green ribbon he found in her drawer around her hand, and he kisses her goodbye, and he tells her to go after her happiness, whoever that is. And she smiles at him, the tears in her eyes happy, and she runs away, crashing into Severus’ arms. And they look… they look so perfect together. Like they make so much sense.

It’s okay. James can take it.

Regulus is staring at him. James winks at him, and smiles.

Call your girlfriend It's time you had the talk Give your reasons Say it's not her fault Tell her not to get upset Second guessing everything you've said and done

And when she get upset Tell her that you never meant to hurt no one You just tell her that the only way her heart will mend Is when she learns to love again And it won't make sense right now But you're still her friend

Cloud 9 (Beach Bunny)

James, Sirius, and Remus. It’s an unconventional love story, but not one they feel the need to explain.

They can and will dance together forever, butterbeers in their hands and magic in their eyes, hearts colliding in a messy, three-way kiss.

I don't wanna seem the way I do But I'm confident when I'm with you Lately all I feel is bad and bruised Tired of tripping on my shoes

When I start to tumble from the sky You remind me how to fly Lately, I've been feeling unalive But you bring me back to life

But when he loves me, I feel like I'm floating When he calls me pretty, I feel like somebody Even when we fade eventually to nothing You will always be my favorite form of loving

the last great american dynasty (Taylor Swift)

The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black, and its last heir, Sirius Potter Lupin.

Fuck those assholes. He’ll be as mad as he likes.

Was the heir to the name, and money And the town said "how did a middle class divorcée do it?" The wedding was charming, if a little gauche There's only so far new money goes They picked out a home and called it Holiday House Their parties were tasteful, if a little loud The doctor had told him to settle down It must have been her fault his heart gave out

And they said, "there goes the last great american dynasty" Who knows, if she never showed up what could've been There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen She had a marvelous time ruining everything

Rebekah gave up on the Rhode Island set forever Flew in all the Bitch Pack friends from the city Filled the pool with champagne and swam with the big names And blew through the money on the boys and the ballet And losing on card game bets with Dalí

There goes the most shameless woman this town has ever seen She had a marvelous time ruining everything

They say she was seen on occasion Pacing the rocks staring out at the midnight sea And in a feud with her neighbor She stole his dog and dyed it key lime green Fifty years is a long time Holiday House sat quietly on that beach Free of women with madness Their men and bad habits, and then it was bought by me

Who knows, if I never showed up what could've been There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen I had a marvelous time ruining everything

I Don't Believe You (P!nk)

Regulus, alone after Sirius runs away. All alone in a giant house, all alone with his wretched mother and her Death Eater friends, all alone without the only person he’s ever loved.

Sirius never comes back, but Regulus waits at the door for him every day anyway.

(Sirius writes Regulus a million letters. He wonders why he never answers. Not even with a cursive fuck you. Maybe he should go back… maybe - no.

No, best not.

It’s not like Regulus misses him.)

I don't mind it, I don't mind at all It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried We come too close, and every night The passion's there, so it's gotta be right Right?

I don't mind it, I still don't mind at all It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up It looks like you've given up, you've had enough But I want more, no, I won't stop Because I just know you'll come around Right?

Just don't stand there and watch me fall Cause I still don't mind at all

No I don't believe you When you say, "don't come around here no more" I won't remind you You said we wouldn't be apart No I don't believe you When you say you don't need me anymore So don't pretend to not love me at all

Cause I don't believe you.

Little Miss Perfect (Annapantsu cover)

Regulus Black, the perfect child.

He and his brother are nothing alike. Sirius is rebellious, Regulus is obedient. Sirius is brash, Regulus is controlled. Sirius is bravery, Regulus is misery. They have nothing in common.

Well -

Except their hearts, bothing beating for a boy named James Potter with twinkling eyes. A boy only one of them will get to kiss.

Regulus is happy to be the one who’s lost out. At least, that’s what he tells himself as he stares up at the white light, the surface too far above to reach.

Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward Straight path, I don't cut corners I make a point to be on time Head of the student council I don't black out at parties I jam to Paul McCartney If you ask me how I'm doing I'll say...

Well, hmm Often I ask myself, "what did I do?" To get as far as I've gotten A pretty girl walks by my locker My heart gives a flutter But I don't dare utter a word Cause that would be absurd behavior For little miss perfect

No, I can't risk falling off my throne Love is something I don't even know Straight hair, straight A's, straightforward Straight girl Little miss perfect That's me You don't even know Rewind, induce amnesia Deny the truth, that's easier You're just confused, believe her When she says there's nothing there It's never worth it When you're little miss perfect

Achilles Come Down (Gang Of Youths)

Sirius, running from his family and his predetermined madness, his wildness carrying him so far he makes a circle.

Remus, hiding from love and freedom, his happiness stitched from his skin in ugly, painful scars.

James, watching his best friends tear each other apart, too blind with love to see the monsters they’ve made of each other.

Children, come down.

Achilles, Achilles, Achilles come down Won't you get up off, get up off the roof? You're scaring us and all of us, some of us love you Achilles, it's not much but there's proof You crazy assed cosmonaut, remember your virtue Redemption lies plainly in truth Just humour us, Achilles Achilles, come down Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

The self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken Remember the pact of our youth? Where you go, I'm going So jump and I'm jumping Since there is no me without you Soldier on, Achilles Achilles, come down Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

Hurt and grieve, but don't suffer alone Engage with the pain as a motive Today of all days, see How the most dangerous thing is to love How you will heal and you'll rise above

Achilles, jump now You are absent of cause or excuse So self-indulgent and self-referential No audience could ever want you You crave the applause, yet hate the attention Then miss it, your act is a ruse It is empty, Achilles, so end it all now It's a pointless resistance for you

Achilles, just put down the bottle Don't listen to what you've consumed It's chaos, confusion, and wholly unworthy Of feeding and it's wholly untrue You may feel no purpose nor a point for existing It's all just conjecture and gloom And there may not be meaning, so find one and seize it Do not waste your self on this roof

Feel your breath course frankly below And see life as a worthy opponent Crowned by an overture bold and beyond Ah, it's more courageous to overcome You want the acclaim, it's not worth it, Achilles More poignant than fame or the taste of another

Don't listen, Achilles, but be real and just jump You dense motherfucker (you're worth more, Achilles) You will not be more than a rat in the gutter (so much more than a rat)

You want my opinion (no one asked your opinion) My opinion you've got You asked for my counsel (no one asked for your thoughts)

I gave you my thoughts Be done with this now, and jump off the roof Can you hear me Achilles? I'm talking to you

Throw yourself into the unknown with pace and a fury defiant Clothe yourself in beauty untold and see life as a means to a triumph

Achilles, come down.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things (Taylor Swift)

Remus gets super drunk after the Prank and gives a fucking performance on top of the coffee table in front of the entirety of Gryffindor. Sirius is bright red. James is on the verge of tears. Severus is gaping. And Remus is seething.

You woke the wolf. Now watch it bite.

And there are no rules when you show up here Bass beat rattling the chandelier Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year So why'd you have to rain on my parade? I'm shaking my head, I'm locking the gates

It was so nice being friends again There I was giving you a second chance But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand And therein lies the issue, friends don't try to trick you And so I took an axe to a mended fence But I'm not the only friend you've lost lately If only you weren't so shady

Here's a toast to my real friends They don't care about the HE SAID, SHE SAID And here's to my baby He ain't reading what they call me lately And here's to my mama Had to listen to all this drama And here's to you... Cause forgiveness is a nice thing to do

Hahaha, I can't even say it with a straight face!

This is why we can't have nice things, darling Because you break them, I had to take them away This is why we can't have nice things, honey Did you think I wouldn't hear all the things you said about me? This is why we can't have nice things

right where you left me (Taylor Swift)

Remus is pretty sure he died on October 31, 1981. He’s not sure why his body’s still moving.

Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I'm right where you left me Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I'm right where you left me

Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, "what a sad sight" I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on I stayed there Dust collecting on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it She's still 23 inside her fantasy How it was supposed to be Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it She's still 23 inside her fantasy And you're sitting in front of me

At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right

I'm sure that you got a wife out there Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware Cause I'm right where I cause no harm, mind my business If our love died young, I can't bear witness And it's been so long But if you ever think you got it wrong

I'm right where you left me You left me no choice but to stay here forever...

Every Day a Little Death (from “The Count of Monte Cristo”)

Remus Lupin, waiting.

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

For what, he’s not sure. Maybe death. Maybe madness.

Right now all he’s got is lonely.

Lonely, lonely, lonely; la, la, la…

Come out, come out, wherever you are, Peter. Come out and kill me, you coward.

Another day, another week Another month, another year Another day, another night Until it’s day again The sun has fled, I go to bed And scratch a line on the wall Another day, where nothing changes at all

And everyday shuffles by like the day before! On its way to the blackest of skies And everyday a little death comes and paces the floor! And a little bit more of me dies... Another day, another week Another month, another year Another night I spend alone Until it’s day again Our little star has moved away And all the world is a blur I only see I am not me Without her

Everyday a little death for everyday I die Everyday a little death and still I know not why...

He will come back! Perhaps but still… He will return to me! Another prayer You’ve got to live for today I will live when we’re together again Everyday I will pray until then

And everyday another prayer will bring him close to me And every night out little star we will share The one day when I open my eyes He will be standing right over there, one day

There’s something I must say I wanted to protect you

I wish there was a way I could make it untrue I heard the news today I fear the worst has happened An accident occurred He is dead! Dead and gone Rest in peace may flights of angels sing him to his rest Let me hold and help to heal you!

Everyday a little death...

tolerate it (Taylor Swift)

Remus Lupin. Abandoned, alone, aimless. Unwanted, unseen, unloved. Mad, morbid, monster.

He wonders if in the next life, he’ll be dealt some better cards.

Best not hope. Best not be greedy. He could be dead -

Isn’t sadness better?

I sit and watch you reading with your head low I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed I sit and watch you I notice everything you do or don't do You're so much older and wiser and I

I wait by the door like I'm just a kid Use my best colors for your portrait Lay the table with the fancy shit And watch you tolerate it

I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listen I polish plates until they gleam and glisten You're so much older and wiser and I While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire? I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life Drawing hearts in the byline Always taking up too much space or time You assume I'm fine But what would you do if I

Break free and leave us in ruins Took this dagger in me and removed it Gain the weight of you then lose it Believe me, I could do it! If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

Téir Abhaile Riu (Celtic Woman)

Sirius being Sirius and Remus and James trying to reign him in. I don’t know. Just vibes, I guess - three soft little gays living out a domestic half-insane life on a little farm in Wales, not a mile from the ashen sea.

Stay here and never you mind The lights of the town are blinding you The sailors they come and they go But listen to what's reminding you Handsome men surrounding you Dancing a reel around you

Listen to the music flow I'm falling for the flow of home I'm home to dance till dawning

Stay awhile and we'll dance together now As the light is falling We'll reel away till the break of day And dance together till morning

No One Knows Us (BANNERS, Carly Paige)

James, Sirius, and Remus are queerplatonic partners. Well, James is theirs - Sirius and Remus are dating. In love. But they and James, they’re not. Not that it matters - every assumes, from their atypical affection, that they are.

James wishes he could be with them, sometimes. The way he wants. Like it’s normal. Without all the prying eyes.

He wonders if he stole a pirate ship and sailed them somewhere else, if it would be any different. Any easier.

Loving the right people shouldn’t be a burden.

Wish I could kiss you when I wanna Without all the fear and all the drama Kill to hold your hand in public I could try to fight the feeling Dull it down like sleeping without dreaming

I wanna push you up against the wall Want them all to hear me call you baby I know it's never gonna happen And I've learned to accept that I accept that

I need you closer Can we go somewhere? No one knows us Leave our world behind We can hole up in a motel room Where no one knows us

See You Again (Carrie Underwood)

The Marauders as they die, one by one. James too early, Sirius too soon, Remus too late. Reunited wherever wizards go when they die, after a long, hard road of what felt like a whole lot of goddamn nothing.

But here they are, at last: alone no longer.

Said goodbye, turned around And you were gone, gone, gone Faded into the setting sun, slipped away But I won't cry cause I know I'll never be lonely For you are the stars to me You are the light I follow

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night Calling me back in time, back to you In a place far away where the water meets the sky The thought of it makes me smile You are my tomorrow

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know...

I will see you again This is not where it ends I will carry you with me Til I see you again I will see you again...

Bloom (The Paper Kites)

James and Sirius and Remus, loving each other. And not knowing what queerplatonic partners are until Severus and Lily shove a Muggle book into their hands with sweet, manic grins.

“Oh,” James says, with wonder. Sirius kisses him. Remus takes his hand. James looks at them, his eyes wide and twinkling. “Oh, that’s us.”

In the morning when I wake And the sun is coming through Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness, And you fill my head with you

Shall I write it in a letter? Shall I try to get it down? Oh, you fill my head with pieces Of a song I can't get out

Can I take it to a morning Where the fields are painted gold And the trees are filled with memories Of the feelings never told?

When the evening pulls the sun down, And the day is almost through, Oh, the whole world it is sleeping, But my world is you

Can I be close to you?

Me and My Husband (Mitski)

Sirius and James. Fight me.

(Oh, and Remus - hopelessly in love with them and chasing after their shenanigans as the world stretches out before them, endless.)

I steal a few breaths from the world for a minute And then I'll be nothing forever And all of my memories And all of the things I have seen will be gone With my eyes, with my body, with me

But me and my husband, we're doing better It's always been just him and me together So I bet all I have on that furrowed brow

And I'm the idiot with the painted face In the corner, taking up space But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved And at least in this lifetime, we're sticking together Me and my husband, we're sticking together

You & Jennifer (bülow)

Regulus, angry and bitter, left alone in his big black bed wondering what’s so fucking amazing about Lily Evans that could make James want her more than him.

OR

Remus, so fucking in love with his two best friends… his two best friends, who are so fucking in love with each other, who look at each other like they’re the world, who fuck Remus when the world is ending. His two best friends… assholes.

Listen, no, we don't need to be enemies Ain't got a vision of us in the future with a white picket fence and eternal decisions Now I'm sitting here wondering, when did this all start?

Would rather be the girl that got away than be under your thumb Don't need to spend no more time on you, not like I was in love Not that I'm having a nervous breakdown, I'm just let down You don't know what that's like though to wait up all night So I thank you for teaching me how I could live without you Never needed me, I don't need you

Fuck you and Jennifer, I know that you're out with her Go pretend that you're just friends I'll pretend that I'm not hurt I know all the shit I heard, you can take these bitter words Fuck you and Jennifer Go fucking make love to her

Soon You’ll Get Better (Taylor Swift, The Chicks)

James, surrounded by people he can’t fix.

James, holding a screaming Sirius against his chest as he sobs and shakes from the fifth nightmare that week.

James, brushing salve across the scars of a terrified and bruised Remus after yet another full moon.

James, trying to lure a quiet and cold Peter back to them with candy as he recedes even further away into Slytherin robes.

James, fucking Lily; James, kissing Severus; James, touching Regulus -

James, doomed to love people he can’t help.

The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair I didn't tell you I was scared That was the first time we were there Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you Desperate people find faith, so now I pray too And I say to you

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal I just pretend it isn't real I'll paint the kitchen neon, I'll brighten up the sky I know I'll never get it, there's not a day that I won't try And I'll say to you

And I hate to make this all about me But who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there's no you? This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because cause I have to

Soon you'll get better Soon you'll get better You'll get better soon Cause you have to.

Dance Alone (Blanks)

James Potter being his usual idiotic adorable self. (It’s just the vibes, man.)

Been staring at the wall today, to find some hidden meaning My momma called to ask me how I'm feeling I've been running out of things to think So what's the point of dreaming? Called all my friends cause I cant get along with all my demons And I've been watching from a distance how the seasons change

Been staring at the wall today, still looking for some meaning I tried talking to myself for a change to ask me how I'm feeling I've been running out of room to think I need a higher ceiling

I've been lost, lost in the rhythm lately I don't know, know how to dance alone

Strawberry Blond (Mitski)

James falls in love with Sirius first - make no mistake, it was absolutely Sirius first. Because Sirius was just so bright, and so lovely, and so daring, and he made James laugh as they ran and drove and flew for miles without a direction. Anything for a touch.

And then there came Remus - beautiful, sweet, kind Remus, his eyes so gentle and his smiles so pure, and James wanted to hold him forever, wanted to take his hand and dive right into the sun, wanted to burst into flames. Anything for a taste.

And then Sirius and Remus fell in love with each other, and now James watches them from the outside, grinning behind tears and thinking, Oh god. I’m happy.

I love everybody because I love you When you stood up, walked away, barefoot And the grass where you lay left a bed in your shape I looked over it and I ached

I love everybody because I love you I don't need the city, and I don't need proof All I need, darling, is a life in your shape I picture it soft and I ache

Reach out the car window, trying to hold the wind You tell me you love her, I give you a grin Oh, all I ever wanted was a life in your shape So I follow the white lines, keep my eyes on the road as I ache

Look at you, strawberry blond Fields rolling on, I love it when you call my name Can you hear the bumblebees swarm? Watching your arm, I love it when you look my way

FML (Arizona Zervas)

James has a habit of falling for people so fierce he can never refuse them. Regulus is just the last one - the one he keeps, even if he dies still trying to figure out how.

(This is the James and Regulus theme song, I’m calling it.)

I might let you drive me crazy Usually I ain't the type to stay Cause you could fall in, and go psycho Ain't no telling where this might go But I take my chances either way

You look like somebody that could really hold it down You look like somebody that would always stick around I know you probably crazy All my friends said stay away but that shit just don't faze me Got a little bit of sass, I like that You don't take no shit, yeah you fight back Never let a dude hit it on the first night I can't even sleep over til I wife that All these bitches in my phone, hit the boy But I've been curving everyone for you Girl I would give you every single password All you gotta do is let me through

Imma keep it honest, I know that you got a plan I know you ain't perfect, but basic bitches never last I don't usually do this type of shit So baby trust me when I tell you that I'm all about it Yeah, I might fall in love and let you fuck my life up Just so I could go and write a song about it

Last man left you brokenhearted, let me treat you right If you need me I could pull up any night You just say the words, girl, I don't need a reason Give me something more than just a lover on the weekend

Come and fuck my life up.

Lay Me Down (Sam Smith)

If James married Regulus instead, but the war still tore them apart and to shreds.

They still fall, they still die, they still lose… but James is captivated by grey eyes rather than green ones, at least in this lifetime. At least for now.

Yes, I do, I believe that one day I will be where I was Right there, right next to you And it's hard, the days just seem so dark The moon, and the stars are nothing without you Your touch, your skin, where do I begin? No words can explain the way I'm missing you Deny this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside These tears, they tell their own story Told me not to cry when you were gone But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you? You And make sure you're alright I'll take care of you I don't want to be here if I can't be with you

Forever (... is a long time) (Halsey)

Remus didn’t know anyone could love him, the way he is. You can’t blame him for letting James and Sirius slip through his fingers when he didn’t know they would’ve stayed forever.

He wonders if happiness still sounds like his name on their lips.

I spent a long time watering a plant made out of plastic And I cursed the ground for growing green

I spent a long time substituting honest with sarcastic And I cursed my tongue for being mean

Weightless, breathless, destitute Motionless and absolute He cut me open, sucked the poison from an aging wound Now fifty thousand walking deads would cower at this small brunette It's a nice surprise knowing six feet high Would reach and grab the moon if I should ask

Or just imply that I want you to be more light So I could look inside his eyes And get the colors just right

But love built provinces, callouses, break promises Cause I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it What am I thinking? What does this mean? How could somebody ever love me?

"Tell him he's got bad news coming..."

Used To This (Camila Cabello)

James and Sirius, crazy kids in mad love in a big Muggle city, dancing and kissing under the lights every night… and then meeting Remus, and wondering if all these years they’ve been mistaking magic for something else, because this, love, this is what magic is.

No, I never liked San Francisco Never thought it was nothing special Til you kissed me there No, I never liked windy cities But I think maybe when you're with me I like everywhere

It's the strangest feeling Midnight, I'm not leaving No, for once, I think I'll stay I say your name, just listen Doesn't it sound different? Never whispered it this way

It's gonna take me a minute But I could get used to this The feeling of your fingertips The feeling of another kiss Like every tattoo on your skin I'm memorizing every inch

The callouses on your fingers I admired them from a distance Now they're on my cheek

Oh, I've known you forever Now I know you better Let's just get carried away And it bears repeating Now my heart's bleeding When you tell me that you'll stay

It's gonna take me a minute But I could get used to this I could get used to this...

Love Me Like You (Little Mix)

You cannot tell me James and Sirius did not stand on top of the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and serenade Remus with this while he covered his bright red face with his hands and damn near cried with embarrassment and laughter, because they did. I promise you, they did.

I solemnly swear.

Darling, he can't buy my love It's you I'm dreaming of

so baby, baby Come and save me

Last night I lay in bed so blue Cause I realized the truth They can't love me like you I've tried to find somebody new Baby, they ain't got a clue Can't love me like you

Come Home With Me (from “Hadestown”)

Sirius and James tripping over themselves trying to say hi the first time they meet Remus, his nose buried in a book in a small cafe, at a table by the window in a dress covered in sunflowers, his cheeks pink and his smile blinding.

OR

James, tripping over himself to win Severus over, who just isn’t having it. (Fuck off, Potter.) (Please?) (No.)

You wanna talk to her?

Yes!

Go on. Don't come on too strong.

Come home with me.

Who are you?

The man who's gonna marry you

Is he always like this?

Yes

Your name is like a melody

A singer, is that what you are?

I also play the lyre...

Oh, a liar, AND a player too! I've met too many men like you.

Oh, no. I'm not like that.

He's not like any man you've met.

That's what I'm working on - A song to fix what's wrong. Take what's broken, make it whole; A song so beautiful, it brings the world back into tune, back into time. And all the flowers will bloom... When you become my wife.

Oh, he's crazy. Why would I become his wife?

Maybe because he'll make you feel alive.

Alive? That's worth a lot... What else ya got?

You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift)

Sirius and James, unable to figure out why they're so bothered by the amount of people who have suddenly started flirting with Remus after the summer of fifth year.

He's just... he's theirs. Their werewolf. Their scrawny motherfucker. Their Moony.

Just.

Theirs.

Oh.

She doesn't get your humor like I do She'll never know your story like I do

Walk in the streets with you in your worn-out jeans I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be And you've got a smile that can light up this whole town I haven't seen it in a while You say you're fine, I know you better than that

Standing by and waiting at your backdoor Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry And I know your favorite songs, and you tell me about your dreams Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me...

Have you ever thought, just maybe, you belong with me? You belong with me.

Scrawny (Wallows)

I just really love Remus Lupin, okay?

Used to be level with all my friends Still wear the same shoes I did back then I don't think they've ever been untied I can't regret the things I don't try I'd switch it up but I don't like change Only content if things stay the same Don't care to watch the story unfold Hate feeling like I'm not in control I've been sleeping with the light on I tend to freak myself out Will you come a little closer?

I say the wrong shit at the right times If I'm offending them, I don't mind Maybe they all should listen to me It isn't all about what you see Question though, how do I look to you? Am I so thin that you can see through? I've been sleeping with the light off I wanted to remember Will you come a little closer now?

I'll be one of those people you remember They'll be looking at us when were together I'll be a mannequin you can dismember You don't like my clothes but you still like my smile Take me home to mom but it'll take awhile They might think they're cooler than me by a mile I can still have wisdom and look like a child

I'm a scrawny motherfucker with a cool hairstyle

Hate You (Seann Bowe)

Severus and Lily after the Incident. Still loving each other, but not knowing why or how. Having a million things to say, but never the words.

I'm sorry. What a tragic fucking joke.

Look at me now, such a pitiful place You found someone I thought that'd help erase These crazy thoughts that we were never broken You can't see red flags through rose colored glasses!

I killed you in my head now If I see you out with friends I'll just tell myself that it's a phantom or illusion Guess I haven't chosen which

I hate that I miss you, I hate that I'm lost I hate those dead flowers you taped to your wall I hate that you're okay and I can't move on I hate that somehow this is all my fault! I hate that I'm wide awake watching the door I hate these long showers sitting on the floor I hate in the end it was me who was wrong I hate that I don't really hate you at all

But I kind of wish I did...

I don't really hate you at all.

Bitter And The Sweetness (The Ready Set)

James and Sirius and Remus, dancing in the rain. Sirius is screaming up at the sky, and James is pulling Remus against him, quelling his shivering in an instant.

“I love you,” he whispers, and Remus beams, throwing his arms around his neck and kissing him as Sirius screams, “ELECTRIFY ME MOTHERFUCKER!” at the clouds.

That’s love, bitch.

Troublemaker look on your face Followed by a smile and I melt away It ain't always been this lovely We turn the ice and start a fire, melt away

It don't happen overnight It's laughing after fights Knowing which song I should sing to make you smile again Your favorite flowers How I know before you say, "It's gonna be okay"

Love, I think we got time to make mistakes Bitter and the sweetness, I just love the taste

You give me trouble in the best way When you let your hair down I can't look away You've just always been that lovely We turn the dark into light You'll be staying close

Like the time we got stuck out in the rain When you took my hand said, "Baby, we should stay."

Serenade (BANNERS)

James Potter's ghost, watching over Sirius Black forevermore. You don't just leave your soulmate behind. Never.

Stolen, some people stay a life, some for a moment Some hearts they set a light just to be frozen And so we're out of time, broken But now you've got the chance to travel oceans I hope the world's as wide as you were hoping Don't let heartache cloud your mind

If the days go darker, darling And you lose your way Go on, go on, I'm not beside you But I'll be the song there in the silence Let go, let go, darling, it's over now You're on your own, but I'm on your shoulder I'll always be your serenade, serenade, I I'll always be your serenade

They told you It's not the being drunk, it's being sober That's when it really hits you that it's over It's hard to say goodbye So you can keep me Somewhere out of reach but if you need me Just hum these memories and you can feel me I'm always standing by Go and write your story, darling You will find your place

You can always remember that I'm here to ease your mind I'm on your side and You can call me and just like that I'll sing a song to bring you home, babe

It's Quiet Uptown (from "Hamilton")

Remus, alone. His husband gone, his friends dead, his family murdered. Nothing left for him, until...

"Padfoot."

A sheepish smile.

"Hi, Moony."

Remus takes a deep breath. Sirius reaches for his hand.

They'll figure it out.

There are moments that the words don't reach There is suffering too terrible to name You hold your child as tight as you can And push away the unimaginable The moments when you're in so deep It feels easier to just swim down And so they move uptown And learn to live with the unimaginable

I spend hours in the garden, I walk alone to the store And it's quiet uptown, I never liked the quiet before And I pray, that never used to happen before

If you see him in the street Walking by himself, talking to himself, have pity You would like it uptown, it's quiet uptown He is working through the unimaginable His hair has gone grey He passes every day They say he walks the length of the city You knock me out, I fall apart Can you imagine?

Look at where we are Look at where we started I know I don't deserve you But hear me out That would be enough If I could spare his life If I could trade his life for mine He'd be standing here right now And you would smile and that would be enough

I don't pretend to know The challenges we're facing I know there's no replacing what we've lost And you need time But I'm not afraid I know who I married Just let me stay here by your side That would be enough

There are moments that the words don't reach There's a grace too powerful to name We push away what we can never understand We push away the unimaginable They are standing in the garden Standing there side by side She takes his hand It's quiet uptown

Forgiveness, can you imagine? Forgiveness, can you imagine? If you see him in the street Walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity They are going through the unimaginable

Dynasty (MIIA)

The Marauders are dead and gone, did you know?

But they were great once. Unstoppable. Invincible, young, in love.

Can you tell? Can you...

Remember?

Some days, it's hard to see if I was a fool or you a thief Made it through the maze to find my one in a million And now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living The scar I can't reverse And the more it heals, the worse it hurts Gave you every piece of me, no wonder it's missing Don't know how to be so close to someone so distant

And all I gave you is gone Tumbled like it was stone It all fell down, it all fell down

Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up.

Dancing After Death (Matt Maeson)

Oh. It's you. You're here.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Do I know better than this? You're a word that I can't forget Though the thought rattles my brain Will you fold or will you remain?

If I don't get better than this man in my skin If I let go, would you hold on? Would we fly? Is it safer if we just say that we tried? Are we laughing at the danger?

As the sun waits to eclipse And the taste teases my lips I'm too tired to wrestle with it Will we burn, or will we repent?

Are we dancing after death, you and I?

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

Whoop whoop, everybody ready for an Unpopular Take on the Spn finale?

There was a very simple fix for me – and this is just for me, I realize lots of people have a zero-tolerance policy for dead!Dean endings – that would've made Dean's death totally thematically appropriate and actually rather beautiful.  It's so goddamn simple that it continues to bug me that they did the opposite instead, I literally cannot understand what they were thinking.  It's not the death scene that needs to change substantially (although the pacing of it is a little nope in my opinion) and it's not the Heaven scenes (although the roadhouse would've been a big improvement).  It's that damn pie scene at the county fair or whatever.  That needed to be the opposite of what it actually was.

So what they did was have Sam broach the subject of Castiel's death, and what Dean says is essentially, that is sad, but what's really, really important is that we keep living, that's what he died for, that's the thing that matters most. And – then he dies almost immediately afterwards, which is bonkers?  That's just a truly batshit writing choice, because it plays like a weird, dark joke.  Womp womp!  No, y'all.  That's – no, you made it so much worse than it had to be, for no reason!

The fix is – I mean, I don't want to say obvious, but it feels really obvious to me?  Sam broaches the subject of Castiel's death, so then make Dean say, that is sad, but you know Sammy, everyone's number comes up sooner or later – we've even seen Death die – twice!  You never get out of this place alive, but did you do anything while you were here?  That's what matters most, and Cass did, he made a difference for all of us. Yeah, I guess, Sam says uncertainly.  Then when you cut to Dean's death, it fits to have Dean say, hey, my time's up now, but it's okay; I'm proud of what I did while I was here, I made a difference.

It's not only a rational, healthy way to process death in general for someone who's led a warrior's life, accepting the inevitability of death without giving a creepy Death Is the Only Freedom vibe – it perfectly suits the thematic climax of 15X18 specifically, and also Dean's entire arc.  All this time, he's worried that his relationship with death and violence is a flaw, that he's a broken person because of this bloody life that he's led, and the natural conclusion of that arc isn't really “it's okay, you still have time to open a bar” – I mean, it's not, right?  That just reinforces that Dean was right and he has been fundamentally broken, but maybe he can stop being now.  It's a choice, but to me the more affirming conclusion to the arc is to have him internalize what Castiel said to him: that the point of him isn't the way that he spent his life in proximity to death, because the point of him is that he consistently put himself on the line because he cared a lot about other people.  That the point of his life was the love and the bravery and the people who are alive because of him.

Like, brass tacks – this is not a show that was ever going to be capable of a really profound statement on death and violence, because the show has always been about violence as heroism.  The whole thing is constructed around that, and you can't just – not make it about that in the six bazillionth episode.  Hunters are heroes, according to the show.  When monsters intrude on the ordinary world, most people run and hide, but a few show bravery and fight back.  Should it have been built on that foundation, on the consistent lionization of Saving People by Hunting Things?  I don't know, but it was.  That's the show you have on your hands, that's the show you're trying to bring into harbor.

And given the constraints of the show, it's reasonable to me to present Dean as a person who's chosen this path of the warrior and follows it all the way to the inevitable end. But why would you juxtapose it directly with this statement about Dean's priority being to live a rich, full life?  Why?  Just make him go full Viking and say that his priority is going to his grave knowing that, just like Castiel, he was brave and honorable to the end, leaving behind a legacy of people remembering him with gratitude and love.  It's a perfectly fine ending, cementing his character as being exactly what Castiel correctly perceived him as being – fundamentally decent, brave, and admirable and deeply human.

Just – don't write the line “if we don't keep living then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.”  Just do not do that!  Y'all made it weird when you did that, and you could have, instead – not!  You could have, instead, set up the thematic statement that death is inevitable, but our choices control what kind of life we've left behind, so that Dean and the audience can assess his life in those last moments and decide that yeah, it was one to be proud of.  How fucking hard is that?

Anyway, I know that One Simple Trick wouldn't fix it for everyone, but I think it would make Dean's life story into a defensibly more-or-less coherent statement on What It's All About, and personally I think it would've been pretty lovely.

[fuck-you-i-am-spiderman]

Spideyyyyyyyy!!! 🕷️♥️🧡💛💚💙💜 hello

*stretches fingers* where to begin, where to begin. WELL, one of the things that stands out to me about your writing is that it’s the embodiment of the “is for me? 😳👉👈“ meme in which me is….. me jkldjakljgklsdg. Like, this is why we can just plot an entire novel-length fic together off the top of our heads on VC, just give us like five minutes, because we share perfect taste in ships and tropes. The beautiful thing about this is that I always know I’m GOOD going into your fics. Like, you know what I want without having to ask. And so your fics are always a safe, familiar place for me to go and yours is some of the work that helps me calm down and sleep if I’m having a bad night and just need to read something that’s like a virtual hug.

Another thing that shines about your work is you do such an amazing job of ensuring equal parts love and attention to all the OT4/Core Four. I think it’s really sweet how you take the time to write stories where each one of them gets the spotlight for a while and has their trauma addressed, like with Lost in Lace and Baby Dragon, for example. You offer representation for everyone who relates to these characters and you very tenderly craft that representation and treat the characters with the respect they didn’t get from canon. With your multi-chaps, you do a wonderful job of honouring all the dynamics and never letting the BROTPs feel less important. The bonds are SO strong whether romantic or not.

Stemming from the above actually, I feel like the way you write the Core Four reflects a lot about you as a person (all good things!) and I see that in HD since we’ve become friends. You treat your characters with the same respect and attentiveness that I feel you treat people, not just me but others I see you interact with. Your people skills translate into your writing, if that makes sense. Like what I say above about how you take the time to ensure everyone gets the spotlight for a while, especially when they need it most, and I think that’s just something you do as a friend, too, and it’s a really great thing about you! You have a very big heart and your sensitivity makes you extremely empathetic, which allows you to get deep into these characters’ heads and write beautiful, believable relationships that are full of feeling.

Your passion and drive to overcome all the hurdles of life and keep creating is very inspirational, my dear. Truly, truly, I cannot say it enough that passion ALWAYS shines through and IMO it’s one of the most important things a writer can have ‘cause it’s the fuel for everything else, but also it’s just something that can be *felt* and I always feel your passion in your work and in everything you do. There is so much of the essence of Spidey in your work and that’s a very good thing! There is an inherent value in that, as in you. It is certainly a gift to this fandom.

Anyway anyway I honestly just think you are a natural born storyteller and that’s just something you have to accept. I’m very fortunate to be privy to all the fun ideas you help bring to life over VC. I would gladly listen to you narrate Rotten OT4 fanfic to me. You have good energy and you always make me laugh and I love that I can just interrupt like “OH MY GOD WAIT WHAT IF” and you’re just like “FUCK YES WRITE THAT DOWN” and then we don’t jdklajklsgjlkg but it’s so much fun tbh. Our VCs are probably the reason I haven’t gone completely insane without regular human contact outside my family jkldajkljglsdg. It’s easy to forget we’re in a pandemic with good company.

in true ADHD fashion this has ended up a little left of the point, but you get it, you get it lmao

SO MUCH LOVE ♥️🧡💛💚💙💜

(shout out to tumblr for letting me write essays in people's ask boxes now...... y'all are gonna live to regret this experience jdklajlgjdsklg)

BABE, ILY ♥️🧡💛💚💙💜 

I cannot fully explain how happy it makes me that you think of my fics as a safe space. Like YOUR fics do that for me, they’re like a breath of fresh air that uplift my every mood. whether they’re soft and silly or more indepth and angsty, like you got me and it’s like my own personal library of comfort fics for every occassion and mood. Honestly yeah, we have such good taste in ships and our VCs are one of my absolute favourite things, they always stem the best and most glorious ideas.

Thank you so much, for me - I love all of the different dynamics within the rotten four so much and it’s super important to me to get the balance right and show equal amounts of love to all of the dynamics, even when a specific dynamic is more of a central focus. Like the others don’t just disappear and what compells me the most with ot4 is that they’re all so important to one another and they’re all so interesting in their own right, I’ve read and seen far too much media for poly ships that try and ignore parts of the ship and that’s just not what I’m about. Seriously I keep saying thank you but truly, it means a lot to me that you feel like I write something that offers representation, that’s something so very important to me and it’s so validating to hear that it’s coming across in the intended way.

Have I said this before? Um I love you !!!!!! But seriously, you constantly say how lovely I am but you are such a wonderful person, like I’m so glad we’re friends because you are one of the most kind, genuine and glorious people I know. You are truly fantastic and I feel so blessed to have you in my life 💖💖 💖💖 💖💖 💖💖 

I can’t believe you think I have people skills :’)) I mean...like I try very hard to make sure people feel respected and loved and heard. I try really hard to make sure my friends know how much I care and yes mutuals, you are all my friends and I love you very much! But something that is important to me within my writing is to really show that love and care. So I’m so relieved that that translates well into my writing. Thank you so much, that’s such a high compliment.

(lol side note I now am imagining “essense of Spidey” as a little potions bottle with like a gradient shimmery colour 😂)

I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING. You think I’m a natural born storyteller? 🥺 I have so much anxiety when it comes to my own capabilities and this means so much, I can’t even fully take it in but wow just thank you, it means so much more than I can express. Babe, I will gladly narrate ot4 for you any time!

🙈 OMG no, we are the worst when it comes to not writing our ideas down omg dheruhrgefvgvfehwgwvey like I legit just want to record everything on our video chat so I can savour it. We truly have some of the most fantastic ideas and I love crafting them with you, it is legit so much fun and it gives me so much serotonin. I think we need to video chat more!!!!!! Because legit, you make me feel so much better and you just have this way about you, like you are a gift and you radiate such soft and warm energy, like you and your writing and your art and everything are a ray of sunshine that I never thought I deserved.

and you know I love your rambles because oh would you look at that? my reply is just as rambley and I love that for us so, so much. and anyway, I love you very much and reading this made me so happy ♥️🧡💛💚💙💜

[fyrapartnersearch]

It’s 𝔉𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔰𝔶 𝔗𝔦𝔪𝔢, y’all.

Well hey there, stranger! My name's Samvs and I'm kind of in the market for a new writing partner or two. Let me save you some time and give you the important deets up front:

⭐ 21+

⭐ M/M

⭐ Multi-Para / Novella

⭐ Modern or Premodern Fantasy/Horror

⭐ Discord and/or Email

⭐️ EST (if that matters? I guess?)

Still with me? Rad~

Like everyone else posting on here, I'm a huge nerd, y'all. I'm absolutely the type to make playlists for every character and universe, to make big ass Pintrest boards for muses and locations and pets (its an excuse to look at dog pics, tho, lets be real,) and I absolutely love sharing stuff like that with my writing partners. That being said, if that's not your style, that's totally fine! I'm absolutely cool with most styles of collaboration!

That's really what roleplaying is about for me - collaboration. I love writing SO MUCH, but I'm not the type of person to write out a whole novel on my own, so I absolutely adore ooc chatter about the plot, the characters, the fucking memes they would send each other, whatever it may be!

I swear I won't chew your ear off all the time, but you're cordially invited to fantasize with me ✨

As for content, I’m pretty open. Yeah, there’s those few taboo subjects that most folk agree not to touch, but violence, sexuality and dark themes are the salt and pepper of literature. Gotta have a little darkness in your paintings according to Bob Ross, and his word is law. I don’t make the rules.

I don’t like fading to black unless the scene feels repetitive, and while I don’t have any specific kinks to insert, I can’t imagine most of my characters (or anyone else, tbh,) being solely into vanilla missionary.

This is the part where I admit I'm probably not going to be a good match for you if you crave daily replies. I also crave daily replies, but I literally cannot manage my life, my chores, my job, my stupid needy cat and everything else WITH as much writing as I'd like to do a day. I'd guess my average rate of response is a day to three, but there are going to certainly be times when I can hit you back much faster.

In short, I might need a little patience, but I'm more than happy to extend the same to you.

Speaking of, I'm also really not the type to be too butthurt if you bail. It's nice to get a message, but I mean, that's really awkward and I FULLY UNDERSTAND being overwhelmed and stepping away from writing for a bit. If you wanna come back, but the fire sort of faded for the story, hey, that's fine! I have about a billion plots to launch your way and as long as we get along, I'll be here when you're ready to work on something new!

On to those plots, though, because that's the good shit, right? Like, that's what we HERE FOR. Below you'll find a list of concepts I already have rolled up fairly tight into almost-plots; they're flexible and destructible and if combinable, so if anything really speaks to you in pieces, we can work with that! I’m a huge fan of larger casts, too, so if you’re here for an expanding universe, then I am too! In most of these, I don't have a preference for role, but in those that do I've bolded the role that I would prefer <b>you</b> to play.

<I> As a heads up, I've been listening to a lot of true crime podcasts lately so you might spot a bit of a theme in some of them lmao</i>

MODERN:

⭐ Journalist x <b>Investigator/Retired Officer </b>:

<i>[A little bit like modern D&D.] A charismatic Tiefling crime journalist meets an experienced investigator through work and talks this delightfully rough subject into a series of in-depth interviews. Though they have very little in common aside from an expansive mental catalog of crime scene photography, they find themselves talking long after the recording stops each time they meet. When the journalist finds himself suddenly embroiled in real danger, and without the benefit of being able to take it to the police, he turns to his newfound friend. What seemed like simple violence is only the tip of the iceberg, though, and it's up to the two of them to do what they can to divert the Titanic.</I>

⭐ Professional Witch x Client:

<I> Magic mingles with the mundane, and like with every other aspect of western life, cash is king. As long as you have money, witching agencies will be happy to help you find a mystic solution for your mostly monotonous worries, whether you need to break a curse... or cast one.</I>

⭐️ Werewolf x Dog Lover:

<I> There’s been a big, strange dog laying in the alleyway beside your house all night, and it’s dumping rain. You can’t just leave the poor pooch out there, right? Maybe he needs a home! </I>

⭐️ Drug Dealer x <b>Cop</b>:

<I> There’s a new party drug on the scene, and it’s making habitual users go feral. Literally. The morphing power of the euphoric powder known as Glimmer isn’t intended, however, and when it’s Fae producer is confronted by an officer on the case of a disappeared partygoer, they realize that there’s more going on here than just a little too much Hoovering. Fae politics and human laws have trapped them in a tight labyrinth that they’ll need each other’s help to navigate and survive.</I>

⭐️ Bonus Concepts:

<I> Fae realms, the intersection of fantasy and politics, odd couples, modern adventuring parties with diverse casts, nonhuman subculture </I>

HISTORICAL/MEDIEVAL:

⭐️ Fae x Adventurer

<I> It’s not every day one stumbles upon a mystic being and survives, and it’s even less common to come out on top. When a wandering adventurer finds a Fae trapped in an iron hunter’s snare in the wilderness, he’s wary to wisdom about setting it free. After cajoling and bargaining and begging, the Fae finally strikes a deal with the mortal; freedom in exchange for a wish. The adventurer can’t make a decision, though, and soon realizes that the Fae can’t leave him until he does, bound by the law of his own magic. Desperate to keep the powerful and beautiful creature with him, he stalls as long as he can. Maybe his wish is just not to be lonesome any longer. </I>

⭐️ Witch x <b>Inquisitor</b>

<I>Most villages have themselves a witch or a cunnung woman, a sage whose strangeness is tolerated in exchange for advice, cures and the promise of peace and prosperity through a little magic when the gods aren’t looking. This village happens to have a cunning fellow, who, perhaps unwisely, takes in a burgled and beaten stranger found on the roadside. It’s not until the unconscious man is already in his home that the witch realized he’s carried back a debilitated inquisitor, a stranger who may bring word of such country practices back to his leaders. Afraid that the burning arm of the church might turn towards his home, the witch has to either hide, show the inquisitor that his people are harmless, or... well, the dead don’t talk, after all, even if that does go against the his vow to defend life. What’s a witch to do? </I>

⭐️ Witch x <b>Fae/Demon</b>

<I> Same inquisition, different witch. Captured by the church and set to burn at the stake, there’s little hope for this one. Resigned to die, the witch is more than surprised when an otherworldly creature offers him a chance at freedom. It comes at a cost: he will be bound to the creature, in body and soul. Depending on his chaotic sponsor’s temperament, that could mean a life of learning deeper magics... or a life of torment and enslavement. A bad life is better than being on fire, though, right?</I>

⭐️ Thief x Warlock

<I> What’s shady, nasty, and might dirk you for a copper piece? Well, it’s both of them, actually. Two adventurers squabble over the prize stored in the city auction house, having both decided to steal it on the same night in unfortunate coincidence. One desires it’s power, the other, it’s weight in gold. Neither realize that they’ve both stumbled into an ancient trap until they split the burden of the curse the artifact truly bears. The curse binds them, and they have no choice but to work together to lift it before it claims their lives. Perhaps fate brought them together... or perhaps it was the wicked call of ancient spirits, begging for release. </I>

⭐️ Bonus Concepts:

<I> Dark magic, pacts and promises, curses, metropolitan adventures and sewer spelunking, social inequality based on fantasy aspects.</I>

It’s a lot of shit, I know. I wrote it. On a <I>phone</I>.

If any of that sounds like your jam and you’re interested in writing with me, then hit me up!

Contact me at <b>transcendthehvnt@gmail.com</b> and we’ll talk it out!

✨

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 9

Disclaimer: Im so sorry for keeping you guys waiting, but Ive been trying to figure out my new schedule and had literally no time to write anything down 😬 This part contains lots of angst and honestly I don't feel like its the best🤣 I want to thank y'all for all the love and support💕☺️And forgive me in advance for this is 100% gonna be utter shit😭🙏🏽 So don't kill me😅

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 10

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @amy8220 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings  @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 

- Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Warnings: Angst, Violence, bad grammar + spelling.😂

Your POV

“My wife...” At Ivar’s words you had felt as if your heart had been ripped out of your chest, crumpled, and stomped on by him right in front of you. You just looked at the blonde beauty and thought about how perfect she was and how you could have never compared to her. “(Y/n), are you alright? You seem pale and quite unwell.” Freydis says to you with what would seem as genuine concern in her eyes. Your mind was at a loss for words, something that did not happen often to you anymore. You didn't know whether it could've been out fo jealousy or if out of shock and what seemed like a flare of anger rising in you. “Just a little light headed, that's all. Anyways, are you alright if we go up to the castle now? Or are there anymore people on the ship?” You say through gritted teeth and a fake smile on your face. Freydis exchanges a look with Ivar and he then turns to you with a smile on his face nodding. As the three of you turn to walk towards the hill leading to the castle, you noticed how Freydis gushed over Ivar in front of you. Occasionally she would turn and pretend to admire her surroundings and meet your eyes trying to show off. You promised yourself that for the love of your siblings and family that you would go along with the facade and pretend as if you didn't want to kill her every time she clung onto him like that. But it was proving much harder than you had initially thought. “Freydis, I would like a moment to talk to (y/n). You can continue making your way to the castle with a few of my men, just be careful love.” You heard Ivar say to her as his lips grazed hers. 

Why had you been so jealous? You were happily married now to Arthur and had 2 beautiful children by him. As you would not let yourself think otherwise as to who the possibility of who the father could be. Not paying attention to Ivar or his “wife” you kept looking out towards the gardens and the townspeople. Your body is then whisked around rapidly by your so called “brother” and you come face to face for the first time in 4 years. “Why?” “Why what Ivar?” You say rolling your eyes at him trying to avoid this touchy subject. “You know exactly what!” He says pulling you off to the side and out of hearing range of anyone around. “How could you keep my children away from me!” 

Ivar says as his grips tightens on your arms, surely to leave a bruise. Back then you would have cowered with fear at his tone of voice. But now you were a queen and Arthur had made you realize that no one not even himself could ever trample over you again! “First of all, you are not the king here and you DO NOT! Call the shots!” You say gripping his hand and forcing it to unclasp your arm. “Secondly, my children have a father and his name is Arthur Pendragon. The King of this land and I am his queen and I will not have you disrespect him with such blasphemous words leaving your mouth!” You say to him, with as much venom as you could muster laced into your words. His eyes showed shock and admiration in them. Surely in his mind he thought about how much you had changed and how the once scared girl that graced the land of Kattegat was now gone. Ivar knew the answer to his question though. You could not bare to let him in on the fact that you had bared him children, it would have placed everyone you cared for in the danger you had placed so far away from you. Not waiting for him to answer and get his words together you turn around and leave him behind in the dust. Walking away you felt empowered and for the first time like you had the control over him and it felt good.

-------------------------------------

Making your way through the halls of the castle you finally reach the hall to see everybody gathered and chatting with each other. Marjorie notices you enter and springs quickly from Arthur’s lap and makes a bee line for your arms. “Mama! You're just in time, Uncle Bjorn is telling us stories of when you were my age. Frankly you were quite boring, but it’s okay you’ve gotten a wee bit more fun!”  She said as she clung around your neck. This child you say as you internally roll your eyes. She could always leave a whole room without words in seconds. But it was a quality that you were quite fond of. Carrying Marjorie in your arms you made your way towards Arthur and sat beside him. Marjorie then jumps from your arms to Arthurs lap and starts to play with the buttons on his jacket. Marjorie adored her father and it was evident to everyone who would look their way. Especially Ivar who sulked and gritted his teeth every time his eyes laid on her playing with Arthur. 

Arthur lived to serve our children, but Marjorie was his mini-me. However, Erik was all mine. At that I call Erik away from the candies I know that he so desperately wants to eat, but that I will not let him. This boy is hyper enough as it is and I cannot handle so much excitement and emotions today. His little eyes turn to me pleading for a small bite of the sweets that are bestowed upon him. However, I am firm in my decision and although disappointed he makes his way to me with a huge smile on his face and his arms outstretched. Holding him in my arms I cannot resist, but spin him around as we both giggle and fall to the floor in a fit of laughter. “You're an exceptional mother (y/n), I always knew you would be.” Bjorn says whilst looking toward me with tears brimming in his eyes. “I feel incredibly proud of you for pushing past all the horrible things that have been placed in front of you and you coming out on top.” At that tears begin to form in mine. “Ok, Ok. No more crying. I feel as if there has been enough of that in our lives to last us the rest of them.” Hvitserk says whilst laughing. At his comment everyone laughs and that is when Sara enters the hall. “Your highness it is time for their majesties’ lessons.” She says whilst bowing her head. At that Erik and Marjorie stand up and rush towards her. They loved Sara and treated her as if she were their older sister. In fact she was Mira’s younger sister who was sent to me by Gisela when she found out about my pregnancy. I could not have asked for a better tutor for my children. Saying my goodbyes to them I turn to walk towards my husband, but come to notice a certain look on a certain bear like man. Bjorn’s eyes hold an astonished look of admiration and adoration. The look of a man who's been taken to heaven and does not wish to come back. 

Arthur taps my knee to grab my attention, but he notices what Ive just witnessed and a smirk is displayed on his face. “It seems that our little Sara has caught your interest, Bjorn?” Arthur says playfully to him. “Yes, it appears to be so. Ive never met such a beautiful woman in my life.” Bjorn says still in what seems to be a trans like state of some kind. “Bjorn, surely you’ve met more beautiful women than a simple tutor and maid, have you not?” Freydis says from Ivar’s side. Her comments made by blood boil, which Arthur noticed and took quick action against. He placed his arms around my shoulders and whispered sweet nothings into my ears. He then lays one of his hands on my lap, to then which I place my hands on his, holding him ever close to us.

The way she caresses his hair and the way she positions herself beside him is bothersome to me. It goes to show that Freydis is a woman that will do anything to keep him, even if that a means worshipping him like a God. Trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension that quickly seems to be building up. Arthur asks about Kattegat and how it has been since we left. What we didn't know was that at this very moment just a few feet away was the person who would bring about sorrow and grief everywhere they went. Especially to me.

-------------------------------

Bjorn’s POV

When Arthur asked about the current state of Kattegat, my hands balled into fists. Not by his question, but because the ruin of Kattegat had come with us to England. “Well, it could be better, but I will not ruin our visit with such an ill subject.” I reply in a tone in which everyone understands that the subject matter at hand should not be one to be discussed. At the moment (y/n) decides to turn the attention upon Ivar and his new wife. It was obvious that she was hurt by it, however knowing my sister she would never admit that to a soul. She was moodier then I could remember her being, but it could just be the fact that people in England are moodier then everyone. “When and how did this come about, and why had we not heard sooner about this union Ivar. Where you hiding your wife from me? Or did you simply want to take us by surprise when you brought your whore to a place where my children reside? Huh!” (Y/n) says while she stands up, rage very much evident in her eyes. 

At that the room became silent and servants who seemed shocked and outright astonished by the fact that (y/n) was behaving this way. Arthur stood up from his throne and pulled her body into his as a way to try to calm her down, but we knew that it would not be so easy. “Control yourself (y/n), please. This is not good for you and you know it. The doctor said you should rest and not become stressed. Please I beg of you, listen to me and stand down.” Arthur whispers into her ear. After what seems like ages (y/n) looks down and Arthur softens his hold on her. A quiet Im sorry leaves her lips and she walks out of the room towards what seems to be her quarters. I would have to check up on her, this was very unsalted behaviour for her and it worried me.

 Arthur clears his throat and asks the servants to shows us to our rooms, but not before asking Ivar to stay behind. “Ivar, please stay. I would like to have a word with you and apologize for my wife’s behaviour towards you both.” As everyone moves Freydis seems to stay in her place by Ivar’s side. Obviously not getting the fact that she was not part of the conversation that was to be had. “Alone.” Arthur says while facing the window and his back to them. Something that I knew bothered Ivar very much...Authority and power which he could do nothing about. 

---------------------

Arthur’s POV

“So, what is it that you wanted to speak to me about, besides your wife’s ridiculous outburst?...Your majesty.” Ivar says through gritted teeth. Turning around I keep my face stoic as ever, however all I wanted was to punch this man in the face for all the pain and suffering he had not only caused my wife, but her people as well. I had heard of Ivar’s actions against his people from my spies in Kattegat and from Bjorn himself. I knew that the once respect that I held for this man had gone out the window the moment he started burning everyone who opposed him. “Come, I wish to show you something out on the balcony.” I say to him as I walk without waiting for his reply. I can feel his eyes burning holes into my skull, but I care not for this as I have more pressing matters at hand. 

Stepping out onto the balcony I look over the lands that had been bestowed upon me by my father. “These lands, were given to me by my father, who which in turn got them from his father, and so on. One day when (y/n) and I are gone these lands shall go to Erik or Marjorie... Our children.” In this moment Ivar scoffs and I could see him roll his eyes at me. “Your children? We both know who damn well! Fathered those children Arthur! It wouldn't take much to see the resemblance between us!” He yells at my direction. “I invited you to my home so that my wife would be able to see her family once again away from the dangers of Kattegat! But I now see that it was a mistake to invite you here. Erik and Marjorie are not and will never be yours! And on top of that you come with a “wife” who's sole purpose of your marriage was to get your mind off of my wife! MY WIFE! Whom shall never be yours!” I yell at him as my patience wears thin. Unable to hold back the anger and resentment I feel towards him anymore, I grab him by the collar and push him towards the railing. Grabbing him so that he may not fall, but just enough to try and scare him. 

However, I underestimated him and feel my footing quickly fall from beneath me. Ivar then lunges himself on top of me and begins to throw punches left and right. I dodge and fight back as much as I can, but he is able to get a couple of punches in. Spotting an opportunity I quickly flip us over and start punching him for everything he has done. At this point I see red and fear that there will be nothing to stop me from killing him. Except my wife. “Arthur! Let him go! What are you doing!” She says as she runs towards us. In that moment I forgot about ivar and stared at my wife, but it only took a second for Ivar to kick me and cause me to crash against the railing itself. “Ugh!” Before I could lunge myself at him (y/n) threw herself in front of him. And I stopped dead in my tracks. How could I have been so foolish to think that she could have ever loved me back. To think that we could have actually had something. NO! She will always choose him, she will always choose Ivar. 

Your POV

I couldn't let them go on. I couldn’t let my husband kill the man that I once loved. No matter how much he deserved it, but Arthur didn't understand that. He didn't understand that I had put Ivar behind me and that now all I wanted and all I needed was him. Arthur looked like as if his world had been flipped upside down and like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, by me. Shaking his head he looks down and heads inside. Not before stopping and turning around to face Ivar one last time. “If you ever utter the words that Erik and Marjorie are yours, I will not hesitate to kill you on the spot. Im done showing mercy and being the fool.” And with that he walks inside bloodied and leaving me astonished. “(y/n), I...” “Shut up! Just shut up! How dare you! Did I not warn you that something like this would happen! You need to stop Ivar, Erik and Marjorie are not yours and will never be! Arthur has been the father that they need and deserve. You on the contrary will never be their father, because all you do is bring me pain!” I yell at him through the tears that fall down my face like a cascade. 

“How could I have proven to you that I could be great father, when you didn't even give me a chance! I gave you a way out of the situation you were in! I told you that we could have run away together and lived together as a family away from it all. But you! You decided that I wasn't good enough for you!” He says standing up from the ground cradling his side, obviously showing that Arthur had got in a good punch or two. “I couldnt have and you know it! Floki he...” I begin to say before I stop myself and think about that night. “What! What did he say to you (y/n)! What lies are you gonna spew out about the only man that has ever cared for me my entire life!” He says getting extremely close to me, his eyes showing hints of a side to him that I had never come across but had heard from the gossip and read from the letters Bjorn sent to Arthur. “Your precious Floki threatened me with your life and that of everyone who is close to me, if I didn't leave Kattegat! So yes! Blame me Ivar for being so selfish that I placed your life and the lives of everyone I cared about before my own!” With that I left Ivar standing there in the balcony by himself, just like I had left him that night 4 years ago.

---------------------------

1 month ago...

“What do you need of me, my queen?” Freydis said to Aslaug. “Ivar and his brothers shall be visiting England fairly soon and I will need you to be my eyes and ears into everything that occurs there. I wish to know exactly what (y/n) and her husband have been up to, I hear that their union had been blessed with children. Find out more about them and if you ever get a chance, take this.” Aslaug says as she pull out a vial. “This will ensure your reign as Queen of Kattegat and will finally put an end to that Christian child. I do not care of she's miles away, while she breathes Ivar will never be yours. And he will never grow to be the man that I wish him to be.” Aslaug says with a cold heart and an even colder face. “But, she's of no danger to me. Ivar is mine and he always will be, its been fated by the gods themselves.” Freydis says giving the vile back. In that moment Floki comes out from the shadows. “I have lost all whom I care about, because of (y/n). Ragnar, Bjorn, Ivar and Helga have all turned their back on me because of her. I was forced to kill my own wife because of what she did in order to save this child. And you too will lose, if you do not comply with our demands.” He says whilst placing the vial back into Freydis’ palm. “You must do this if not for us, then for Ivar and all of the gods.” 

“I will...”

[heartedlystyled]

Abu's friend asked Abu to ask me if i would be comfortable to wear Hindu with a Burka.

I'm not huge on burkas because i get the got breath back and im already always hot anyways.

But his friend, Abu said that he found interesting that Hindu is a combination of my usual need for bling combined with Islam dress.

I said i would look for an appropriate outfit in Hindu wear to see if i would he comfortable in Hindu wear...

Its the land of the free, I can wear what i want...

Then we can across the girl on the left and he said "you already kind of dress that way anyways and your daughter, too!"

And i do... In NYC we had friends that were India Hindu, Americans, US military and we played with their kids... And i remember the grandma always seemed to open the door and she always wore the red dot on her forehead. She would stab it to make it upraised with a little needle and she would re tattoo it like every week or So...

It looked like a felt dot glued securely to her forehead.

And she often wore pink and green with gold sequin trim And she was always sewing.

So somehow as an adult, i began dressing my infant daughter that way as i always wore pants or ankle length dresses/skirts... Younger i would wear above the knee with panty hose... But longer meant more freedom like no pantyhose or having to shave above the mid calf... Just in case...

With my infant i would put a cute dress on her with jeans because she would get cold... Cause she couldn't keep socks on and the jeans would cover her feet...

Then as she got older wanting her comfortable to play like a boy but in a dress had me to put leggings on her...

Then for me cause i got excessively fat, I didn't feel comfortable in a shorter dress or skirt... So i also wear pants.

But I do wear spaghetti straps or strapless... Because i like it. It still covers my books so..

And I can understand going to the movies with Abu and his single friend and his friend asking me to wear a bit more than normal...

Its not against me at all.., its about respecting his friend Abu... Like he isn't all trying to be looking at me because hes just sitting and zoning into space... Or because he is looking at me and talking...

Like to go on double dates or in a group and the girls have to wear a certain way... I don't mind to change it up a little so they feel more comfortable... Im not afraid of being shunned.. Abu will ditch them in the parking lot.

Its about supporting a culture, friendship and family.

So if i wear a zebra print burka with pink highlights... Its not the same as Islam dress.. Yet... I'm still making an effort to appease a religious belief that i don't necessarily agree with...

That said I'm not into a burka... But something similar that's sheerer so i sont get too hot... Something similar to what some Hindu wear for special ceremonies.

Growing up in a melting pot of Earth... In NYC we spent A lot of nights sleeping in the Hindu's living room floor in piles of pillows and blankets and pizza. Chips and dip and soda, veggie plate me and gramma shared and the boys had to eat one of...

And we would watch 1 American movie like Ghost Busters or whatever was new and all the Hindu/India movies we wanted. A

Often times they weren't subtitled or in English. But we would watch and the gramma or the dad (they didn't have a nom either) would explain what was happening... A lot of times the boys would go out with my brothers and i would stay inside with the gramma and watch movies and ask her what they said, why their faces changed

Because the boys would understand the scene and they would make part of the movie themselves, like the TV extended to the living room floor and they would pantomime and act out and joke around about what they would do if they were there in the movie scene.

Usually I just watched... And handed supplies... The back drop wall flower watching the people I loved changing the movie scene they would want to have included in the movie each time we watched it...

I loved it

But i also wanted to know what we didn't see. What we missed by living. I wanted to see what was on the other side of the screen that wasn't paid attention to on those fun nights.

Gramma had difficulty with English and expression and sometimes she got embarrassed if it was a romantic scene... So i would go to the TV and point to the people and tell her what i thought they were doing in each scene.

So essentially while my own mother had been killed in front of me and all i could remember of her existence was blood splashing on the brown living room curtains...

This kind Hindu old lady without a daughter in law of her own that died in childbirth, delivering at home and only had grandsons... Taught me about life, relationships, life events, life expectations and expectancy.

I would skip school a lot to go hang out with her... Just not even go. She would open the door to let the boys out and see me and ask "school?" And i would shake my head no "not today"

Eventually my dad asked me why i hadn't been and told them i had to go to school... I would just sit outside her door all day until she went to laundry after lunch and thn i would follow her around the laundry mat downstairs in our apartment building.

So then she got to,walking us all to school... But she said it took too long,to,return home So she would ride her bike in the afternoon, tie it up to the bike rack and then walk us home... In the morning she would walk us to school and she would ride her bike home.

In the 4th grade my class had a window she would pass by to go to the bike rack and i would stand up and wait to see her go by.

She changed. She became leaner and softer and happier. She would let her hair down when she rode by on her bike. Literally letting it flow down behind her, for like miles... Then she would pin it right back up in a Chinese pin she called it.

She taught me about life. About living. And about surviving when even you yourself have no reason for continuing.

And although I was breaking the rules and she knew... She wouldn't let me in the house as she promised but if i helped her fold the laundry as she directed and helped her to twke them from rhe cart and hand the baskets to her frim the doorway she would tell me "you help me, i help you. Here is food" and she would give me lunch and a drink. And she would sometimes sit in the hallway floor with me and talk to me about the movie we watched AFTER school was let over and the boys were home. As my dad had said i could.

To me she wasn't an old lady with a red dot and Hindu clothing.

She was my very dear friend. Very close to my heart. To me, She had no age. She was as young as me, sometimes even younger but smarter. She told me all kinds of stories about her life in India, her son's life... All her children, her husband.

For me i was always in awe, mouth dropped at her tales, they were so beautiful and made her face change dramatically with her huge smiles or her eyes turning round and filling with tears...

Remember how i wrote she had a red dot that looked like felt glued down?

It was

That's exactly what it was.

But one summer it kept falling off. The summer after 3rd grade. The boys would be loud so she would say let's to go outside in the hall and talk.

And i had already caused a huge thing at school, predicting my friend Rose's death and having PTSD, having my 3rd grade teacher arrested as she was from China and would hit us with rulers and make us kneel in rice and peas (she killed herself in prison, she had a 2 year sentence) and so me hanging out with a Hindu lady... It was another story, another event for my file.

I remember a rather large black man would sit around the corner and listen. But she would say "he is spy, i cannot continue talking. It is not Chinese. It is not bad. I di nit want to go in But i do not feel comfortable. You tell me now about you"

"No way! I hate this shit!" So i confronted him. Over and over. Until finally she giggled and told me "invite him to conversate. Tell him sit in floor, like man But be handsome. But not too sexy no no no. He probably married anyway and I'm too old. But please hurry. I'm i get nervous"

"Oh please! Don't tell me! You're too old! You already have kids! You can't date!" I said veey loudly as i walked to the corner "up get -- HEY GET BACK HERE!!! SHE WANTS YOU TO SIT AND CONVERSATE!! don't be a dummy come on" i caught him nearmy running to,the staircase.

"Do you know how old i am? I'm nearly 40! You can't talk to me like that!"

"I can. I just did. Now please sit. Would you like something to drink? I can get you some kool-aid"

"What's she drinking?"

"Its gin"

"I would like some, too"

"What's gin?"

"Just go"

Finally i found what i knew gin was and i handed him a deck of cards.

I learned her tricks... When she's annoyed or uncomfortable or suspicious, she flirts. She acts like he's all over her and she's all flat drunk out... Y'all have seen me do them. The unlucky fall for them.

But he didn't and she was drinking water.

And he told her my story. The stories i hid. The stories i wish never happened. The stories i forbid to be spoken around me.

And i tuned my back to,them so they could not see me,cry or push my migraines away. And it continued for days. And she ran out of tissues and i had to use toilet paper for my nose.

Then her red dot, the eye of the God ran began to fall off her face, everyday. She got new glue. Stronger glue. And it will still fall.

So shr asked him "what is this? Why this fall?"

He said "if you ask me, She loves you and now you know you know what love is and you don't need that to protect you anymore"

"It is not to protect but to see"

"To look for love that i know about you Hindu. That is all you speak To her about. Its love. That i do know and now you know her pain and how much she needs you. You understand --- is that all you do us cry?"

"She speaks"

"You know what i want you to do is get that tattooed but in blue. Next time I come to see you, I'll bring a book i have been studying and i will show you, its perfectly acceptable to get a tattoo of it on your face,but an any color. Because you know why you identify eith her -- i mean why you are both friends with each other, is because you are both sad"

"She sad. I'm sad. So now I'm friends? With her, a small child? I am odd duck"

"Now now don't you smile, Sabrina don't you laugh at the old lady!"

"Shes funny! She's not ducking she's brave! And she's small not odd and she's sweet and even,you like her! You tell her to,get tattoo! You're strange if at all!" I blurted out... The first time I talked in weeks, it felt... In reality only about 5 days.

And so long conversations short... She used a blue pen to draw a star... As he said she was my star, my human North star, to help me find the light in life and she had came to me when my life was most darkest And i was extremely suicidal and had been caught trying to drown myself like umpteen times... Cause i wanted to die outside because it felt better than dying inside all stuffy and around people like Denise. And i wanted to drown in the river but someone always saw me. 8 years old and all... I had my desires in how to die. I wasn't stupid or mindless.

He said she had been given red as her felt dot, from a priest, because she had felt love. Still knew love, still wanted love and Still believed in it and Still looked for it.

But he said that sometimes the dot could change. It could change shapes, sizes and colors. And he said if her brain leaked out, it didn't leak love, it leaked sadness. So thus her permanent eye of ra should be blue. A light color blue not too dark because she allowed light and happiness to shine thru the tears of her world.

And that was what she had taught me... Once I learned the videos then I would interact with the TV... And the boys would watch and then we would all play along with what was on the either side of the screen and i taught them what i had learned from Granny Hindu.

She would watch us and cry. The dad would watch in shock and awe as his sons were finally being taught their native tounge and important parts of the movie and ceremonies. Sometimes he would cry.

Eventually he began wearing his Hindu traditional wear and they would get up and dance the traditional Hindu dance and teach us while we the the pillows and blankets up on the couch. And we would laugh

Of course my back would hurt easily and the boys, because of the dad, all eventually would pick me up and dance with me like i was a doll, then supporting my small amount of bony weight with their arms.

And the dad would do the granny..,her feet dangling at his knees would make me,laugh so heartily!!

The boys wouldn't pick me up so high... Mostly I would lean on their shoulders or elbows...

And so granny settled on blood sweat and tears as she realized it wasn't happiness she knew best but sadness.

And she got a light blue tear in the middle of her forehead, tattooed. And she would wear a jewel over it, shaped like a tear, as beautiful as ever. But sometimes she wore a larger than in the past, red felt circle over it... "I looked for love and i found it and it hid all my tears"

So of course I would dress myself and child subconsciously in Hindu like garb. And of course I would wear it when out with people of Islamic culture.

The tattoo shop which had done her light blue tear, eye of Earth had also shown hwr how to hand poke tattoos as is conventional in her home country of India. Although she had her ra in a professional tattoo gun.

The government spy man had arranged it for her. He also came to our weekend slumber parties, some times falling asleep after a long hard work day on the couch like a child and we would give him a blanket we ha from out massive pile and cover him. I would say "heres you a blankey" and usually he would take the corner with his massive black hand or sometimes just sigh, inhale nd exhale deeply. Usually me and the boys took turns to cover him.

Little children covering an over 6 foot tall almost 40 year old man.... Ages from 5 to 10...

Because that is what love is.

Sometimes he would start breakfast... After the first dozen times escaping in the night after catching up with his zzz's and we told,him if he was gonna,crash the slumber party with his big body probably breaking the couch with all his long bones and muscles then he needed to crash all the way and watch Saturday morning cartoons. Cause that was the best and breakfast in bed... Or the pile of blankets an sheets nd pillows like a nest for baby birds as we called it. That was the best part. After waking up woth friends we loved and understood when we felt most misunderstood in the world. Them being Hindu with a gramma with a red dot the tattoo in the middle of her forehead totally misunderstood was she a witch? Crazy? How old was she? 40? 100? And then us, watching our mother murdered, barely being able to remember her or just being able to,watch the blood spray md wonder and,cry where was our lovely mother? And the puking. The days and night of puking and puking from fear, disgust, worry and sadness. And still death seemed to follow us everywhere no matter how we predicted it or didn't or wanted it or didn't. Cared or didn't. Prayed or didn't. It was just there. Always there.

And so he would stay... Did we find him in granny bed above the covers cuddling fully clothed once or twice? Yea. And we decided it was better than Saturday morning cartoons and so we all silently munched cereal and watched them, sitting in her bedroom floor doorway... Until we feared they were dead and then I would whisper hey and he would jump awake from laying on her shoulder or sometimes boob/rib or gramma Hindu would slowly open her eyes and be in her little dreamlike state and the first few times was innocent "hey there's a man in your bed. That isn't s pillow laying on you" we would whisper

But there was that one time... That one time that she fully seduced him like the prowling cougar she is and it was a whole different Saturday morning when she clutched the blanket to,her chest and said "YOU KIDS GET OUT!!"

And I not understanding cried at her "Why are you acting Chinese!?!?! I'm not getting out until you explain!!!"

So i had to be explained that he was in his boxers and had been under the covers and they didn't want all the kids to see their privacy

And i said "Fine! I'll get out! But that's gross!!!"

Because at 8 thats what i believed.

"And you should have made breakfast or i wouldn't had known!!" And i spun on my heel and threw my hair in his face.

And Alex asked me "what's going on? I mean with them?"

"I can't talk about it" heavy slumped shoulders, neck aching "let's just watch TV that's better" he bugged on and on until i covered my head to avoid him and fall back asleep

But when i woke he asked again and i told him "they had sex"

And he called me a liar and herded all the boys to go ask.

And then they called me back to,the room so we could get an explanation

And I said "i don't want to hear all this shit. I know the birds and the bees. In and out it goes"

But he tried to talk to us about love...

But Alex threw up..

Because our mother's murderer whom used a chainsaw to her neck while we were all assembled to watch... Then said that exact same thing and had added "want to watch" as he raped our mom's nearly decapitated body.

He was right. Sadness would always exist because of love.

Well us kids didn't care about two consenting adults with their heads fully attached.. Unfortunately her son did and he was really an ass hole. Only caring about himself and his feelings, then put in for a transfer to move across country to get his 60 year old cougar momma away from a early 40 year old kitten...

Destroying his son's lives in the process... And ours... And even his own happiness

Instead of allowing his mother freedom to love.

But before all this the young thug kitten only looking for one thing So said the father, an alley cat, he was allowed gramma Hindu to hand poke a tattoo on his right toe. An S. With an astrick just tucked inside the bottom tail.

"Samaria"

That was Grandma Hindus name.

She gave herself the one i drew above... An S for Sabrina for helping her find Samaria again And of course the S for herself as well.. And two stars... One for the one we could see in her in the bottom and the other to honor the stars she could see... And she told me one for me and one for her for our friendship. And the F next to Because they were so most important to her... The F did get bigger over time and eventually became the same,size as the S as her family evolved and changed...

I suppose the story is true. She handpoked white in the "standing leg" of the F to represent the Father, her son of the family in anger because of the move.

She could have stabbed him to death. I would not had blamed her.

[centrally-unplanned]

The Phantom of the Opera Movie: How (not) to Adapt Your Fanfic to Stage & Screen

I recently watched the infamously-maligned trainwreck that is the 2004 Phantom of the Opera film adaptation of the stage musical, which lived up to its reputation! Rehashing the atrocious casting of literally-sang-for-the-first-time-two-weeks-before-filming-Music-of-the-Night Gerard Butler as the Phantom is well-trod territory, but I don't think that is the real crux of the film's failings. Instead, I think it serves as a quintessential example of the failure to transition from stage to screen - and how lucky the stage adaptation was.

For the "PotO" uninitiated, despite the endless shipping the titular Phantom and the female deuteragonist Christine do not have a romantic relationship. Oh the Phantom is trying to get down with that, for sure, but she sees him as either a ghost, an angel, or a terrorist at various points, never a credible love interest. In the original novel this is extremely explicit, and it is actually preserved in the stage adaptation - though as you realize with this film not intentionally.

In a stage musical, audiences don't really "suspend disbelief" the way they do for something like movies. There is one or more human beings, right in front of them, being real people in a wooden box with minimalist decour - the artifice is inescapable. Which is fine, actually! Instead of being immersed in the worldbuilding the audience can appreciate the craft of it all, the acting chops of the leads and the high notes they hit and the cool set designs around them. As such strong plots for musicals aren't really required; details are skipped over in exchange for focusing on other aesthetic elements. More importantly for our purposes, in a musical like Phantom of the Opera the audience isn't set up to expect a tight directorial vision, with instead the characters being the a product of the choices of the actors themselves - people even look out for the different interpretations different leads will bring to the same script. Each performance is itself an adaptation.

This lack of verisimilitude does wonders for the musical version of Phantom of the Opera. Honestly, plot-wise and arc-wise? Phantom of the Opera isn’t that great. Christine, one of the supposed leads, has no motivation for like 90% of run-time, instead being buffeted about by the whims of other, more powerful characters (just like early 20th century France ooooh, eat it Leroux), and Raoul, her earnest, wealthy suitor-cum-fiance, is the dried cement of love interests with no arc to speak of. Lots of plot elements are covered quickly and left vague as to their meaning. But really, who cares? You get to watch a tortured, corrupted genius offer a panoply of shadowed delights to a beautiful ingenue in a rock-opera baritone, and Rage Against The System so hard when spurned they drop a God-damn chandelier on the stage - that’s really all you need!

In the stage musical there is often - lets be honest very often - sexual subtext between the Phantom and Christine. But that is the choice of the actors, it's not in the script, it stays subtext. You are there to watch those actors put their spin on it and take it to the limit - let them have fun with the material! On stage it serves a great metaphorical function; to be tempted by music, by the mystery of darkness, has been metaphorical sex for so long it needs no more explication. 

Now, however, we loop back to the movie adaption, with two key points to establish. First, movies do not work like musicals. There is no live person in front of you, every shot is the product of a dozen takes and as many hours of editing choices, and as a viewer you are dragged along lockstep seeing the results of these choices. All of this is in the service of building a cohesive vision that allows the audience to fully suspend disbelief. The price for this immersion is that now every moment of the film is imbued with intent. Everything has to be there for a reason, the way things in reality are - or more accurately the way we want reality to be. To quote Best Girl Mizusaki:

(Just when you thought I was going to write a media essay without being a huge weeb for once, huh?)

What's true for animation is almost as true for film, all of which means that how characters act is no longer an actor on stage doing their spin but the cohesive narrative of a story.

Second, the movie takes all of that fanshipping sexual subtext and cranks it all the way up the nosebleed seats, while changing none of the relevant plot points. In fact, it adds plot details to strip away the musical’s ambiguity! One of Christine's opening scenes, only briefly touched on in the stage musical, explains cleanly that she considers the Phantom the angel of her dead father come down to protect and guide her. Later in the show, as the Phantom's villainy becomes more apparent, when propositioned by Raoul her only objection is to how the Phantom might hurt her if he found out. Well after all of his temptations, rage, and villainy, near the climax of the film, she still sings in a graveyard about her uncertainty over whether or not he is a literal ghost or spirit of her father. So the plot structure is preserved and explicit - Christine is drawn to him due to his musical talent and offerings of instruction, is unsure if he is even human, but realizes his corporeality, villainy, and fundamental pitiable humanity at the end. Raoul throughout is her explicit, engaged-to-be-married romantic partner.

So then why are her and the Phantom fucking??

Seriously, I cannot undersell how sexual their scenes are.They are all over each other, fingers gliding over skin, and the next scene after this one is her in his bed with sex-hair all over the place! This subtext is continued in every scene they have together, long after he has been revealed as a murderer. At one point he confronts her in public, with her fiance watching, and it's still played like he is the Tuxedo Mask to her Sailor Moon. Even the scene where she takes off his mask is shot like it was foreplay-gone-wrong, and the Phantom just forgets to say his safeword in time (This is why you pre-negotiate about your kinks, all!).

Any movie-goer understands what the intent of scenes like these are, why a director would choose these actions & shots; they want us to know that they are getting busy off camera, even if only by implication. We know they don't actually do that because there is a book to refer back to but damn does this movie want us to forget that...in these scenes. Which is the problem, of course - the rest of the movie operates as normal! In the above scene Christine thinks the Phantom is, again I must emphasize this, the ghost of her father; apparently she is going for the reverse-Oedipus achievement but no one told the rest of the script. Is she lying to Raoul about her love and her reasons? Is she actually tempted? Stop telling me you are unlovable via haunted monologues Gerard Butler, you look like testosterone on a stick and y'all boned literally five minutes ago, I am not buying it!

The subtext and the text are at war with each other - and given that, as we established, the dynamic between the Phantom & Christine is really the only interesting part about this story, strip that down to a muddled mess and you really have nothing left. And in a movie, subtext like this is just another form of text - the director chose these shots, it's intended. Beyond the terrible vocal performances and sometimes baffling shot direction, the movie's biggest failing is this schizophrenic mismatch between the script and the actions on screen which is a problem the stage musical honestly didn't have to worry about. These scenes are not set up like this, and the ability to add subtext by the actors is just fundamentally limited by the medium; it cannot touch the story itself, which isn't even the focus of the audiences. Even if these contradictions did exist more in the stage musical, they wouldn't doom it due to the nature of said medium.

Which is very, very fortunate, because there is one final point to make - Andrew Lloyd Weber, the creator of the stage musical, wholeheartedly approved of this direction for the movie. He produced the film, wrote the screenplay, chose the director, the works - this is his film. And, as is apparently from interviews and a...not fondly remembered stage sequel to the musical that he wrote, he ships the Phantom and Christine hard. Not in the "oh I love their dynamic on screen way", but in the Ao3 sort-by-fetish-tags "they are my Trash'' way. And I would never begrudge a man his ships, but apparently he was not content to keep it away from the canon. He absolutely reads the stage musical this way as well!  It's just one of those interesting ironies of life - one of the most successful adaptations of a book to a stage musical was made by someone who, in my opinion, did not grasp the fundamentals of the story he was adapting. We just didn't notice because the medium didn't care, and also damn can he write a score that slaps.

I would not be the first person to say that this movie for Andrew Lloyd Weber is something of a George Lucas moment for him, a creator completely missing the appeal of his own work; but after seeing it the comparison rang deeply true. The Phantom of the Opera movie is truly the Phantom Menace of musicals.

No, I don't feel bad for that last line, why do you ask?

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids

gotspoons: [A chatroom/forum situation for teens with invisible illnesses/disabilities, a resource that is recommended when you can't go to IRL groups for your health/they aren't in your area etc] gotspoons: Ticked one whole thing off my to-do list today, feeling like a champ 💪 also feeling like a 2-hour long nap, who here relates? 🥱 tigerbalm: 🖐 took my nap earlier & yet 😴💤 brainpain: 💕🛏 brainpain: long lasting relationship with my memory foam mattress gotspoons: There is NO limit on the number of naps necessary to make it through the day tigerbalm: or the number of abandoned to-do lists, what was your 1 thing? gotspoons: 🚿 looks like breakfast will have to wait tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: @brainpain I have so many memory foam pillows in every room of my house I'm basically a shareholder 🙌 brainpain: @tooexhaustedtolivevicariously same but I've got my fave, I call him Edgar tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👏🙏 thank you for your service, Edgar tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: must name mine, only named the chariot 🦼 Charlton gotspoons: [ihatemyguts has entered the chat] gotspoons: A newbie, welcome! tigerbalm: 👋 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: love the username, what ails ya? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: because this is the only place it's acceptable to ask 'what's WRONG with you?' but not the only place you encounter it, right brainpain: but you don't have to answer cos it's also somewhere where you're encouraged to 'express yourself' translation: be an arsehole if you want brainpain: if you don't go hardcore enough to get blocked brainpain: @fibrofog LMAO tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: the normies get to be rude as their default, and it is NOT encouraged to hit people with your cane, let me tell you ihatemyguts: Hi, everyone ihatemyguts: I'll do my best not to be an arsehole, even if my problem only lie directly above said orifice, which makes it a struggle not to be at times ihatemyguts: UC, first flare totally fucked over the family holiday 😬 sorry to that hotel toilet and my long-suffering parents and brother brainpain: newbie got jokes AND comedy timing ihatemyguts: 🚽 humour isn't all I have, I swear, though my life now does revolve entirely around the porcelain throne so it's no surprise I'm anally expulsive, thanks to Freud for that read tigerbalm: Freud's the perv, am I right? ihatemyguts: Totally ihatemyguts: and a big believer in the cocaine cure-all, which my Doctor just wasn't going for, shame tigerbalm: sounds like my sleazy uncle in every way tigerbalm: why does everybody get one? gotspoons: 😂 This chat is worth keeping my eyes open for gotspoons: every family is a play, and we're destined to be the 'sick kid' part gotspoons: other players react accordingly, from the 'can't look at you without crying' to the 'thinks you're making it up for some reason' brainpain: I vote we all go off script like @fibrofog 🤬🚨👿❗️ ihatemyguts: I guess I'm lucky in the sense that if anyone doubts the legitimacy of my illness, I can offer to show them the contents of my stomach/toilet bowl ihatemyguts: that shuts them up relatively fast, not had to go full 🐒 and throw it at anyone yet ihatemyguts: though I'm intrigued by the infamous @fibrofog, who are they, where, and why the infamy? Fill a girl in brainpain: the myth, the legend brainpain: so angry cos I turned 'em down for a romantic rendezvous ihatemyguts: No way! ihatemyguts: I'm glad that napping isn't the only action the memory foam is getting ihatemyguts: we're just like any other teens, right guys? 💁 tigerbalm: @brainpain you know the rules, fedora pics or it didn't happen! tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you know what they say about disabled chicks, grateful 😉 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: #dontkillmeladies #iamnotasleazyuncle tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: don't think Mr. Fog was even a legit 🥄 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: total predator tigerbalm: if it was my uncle I'm SO sorry 😂 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: family who piggyback are THE worst tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: no, MY disability doesn't make YOU automatically WOKE for not drowning me in the tub or throwing me off the nearest high place I can access ihatemyguts: Honestly, I've never felt as simultaneously popular and unpopular in my life ihatemyguts: people 💬 a big acceptance game on the socials ihatemyguts: but no one wants to actually hang with the girl who can't eat shit and will spend half her time in the 🚽 gotspoons: Everyone's supportive until your disability gets in the way of THEIR perfect life even slightly gotspoons: imagine if they were one of us 👽 brainpain: speak for yourselves, my slurred speech makes me a hit with all my hard partying peers brainpain: get weird without a 🍹 ihatemyguts: hey man, don't let us drag you down 😎 ihatemyguts: if @fibrofog was feeling you, you're WAY too cool for this chat right now brainpain: never have, never will, baby 😉 brainpain: [inandout has entered the chat] gotspoons: OH MY GOD, that's a whole different story...my parents = you need to socialize more, live life! my parents = I don't know if this group is good for you, we think you're being encouraged to display and give in to even more problems gotspoons: thanks guys, you're literally making me more disabled with your disabledness 😂 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It is a cult, well-known fact, leave your productiveness to society at the door and let's all lie here and feel sorry for ourselves, doesn't that sound like fun, kids? 😈 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and 👋 sup, inandout, not seen you in a while tigerbalm: my parents act like y'all are catching too! Would you like to cage me like a legit 🐅 or? inandout: baited breath inandout: out living that life like @gotspoons parents want tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It'll be the Olympics next tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 🥇 Hero status with the normies, inspirational, dude inandout: if it'll make adults I've never met proud of me ihatemyguts: I can't believe I've not checked if I'm disabled enough for the paras, oh my God ihatemyguts: are there enough of us for a basketball team? brainpain: if ONLY my former lover were here brainpain: he's gotta be so tall ihatemyguts: Pining for @fibrofog is productive, yeah? ihatemyguts: can pine from my throne just fine brainpain: hands off newbie! I will throw mine brainpain: LOL imagine gotspoons: This group has always had a bias towards too many girls gotspoons: it's almost as if even disabled boys don't wanna talk about their feelings gotspoons: what say you @tooexhaustedtolivevicariously and @inandout? 🤔🤴🤴 inandout: I'd bring friends but you know us CF kids aren't allowed to congregate inandout: and what could I possibly have in common with someone who doesn't share my disease ihatemyguts: So, what is the deal with that, are some of us catching? ihatemyguts: 🐅 parents might have legit concerns inandout: cross infectious but only if you've got what's got me inandout: none of you do so you'll need another reason to turn down hanging out in person tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: my fedora is in the wash? inandout: Fibro could easily say it's my jewishness brainpain: but it's your hunkiness, babe 💪😉 inandout: I'd whistle back at you, Lauren but.... inandout: let's just say you leave me breathless tigerbalm: No names, Zach tigerbalm: it's like a rule ihatemyguts: uh-oh ihatemyguts: if you had a name, Tiger, in theory, like ihatemyguts: 🧐 tigerbalm: Robyn ihatemyguts: Pretty, you others may as well just come out with it now ihatemyguts: even if I'm a massive perv with mad hacking and tracking skills, I pinky promise I won't be able to find you from your given name alone brainpain: give us yours, newbie ihatemyguts: I will, but you'll think I'm giving you a fake one ihatemyguts: it's the gift and curse bestowed upon me at birth, along with potentially dodgy genetics brainpain: your life is 💩 brainpain: but still ihatemyguts: Zelda ihatemyguts: a reference I'm sure you won't get, 'cos you're so 😎 brainpain: I game, the stream was fibros fave hunting ground brainpain: no 💩 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Turns out being a nerd is way easy from the relative (barely but beats death, yeah?) comfort of the memory foam tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and Rich 👍 only in name, destitute until my next pittance comes in tigerbalm: she's not supposed to 🎮 -headaches -dizziness -light & sound sensitivity but she's a REBEL brainpain: 👌 MOM maybe I'd love a seizure, what do you know? ihatemyguts: I respect it ihatemyguts: gonna be fondly reminiscing over all those dirty, evil trigger foods when they're resecting my bowel 🖕🚔 brainpain: I had a life before I had a TBI, no offense to 👶 Zach inandout: none taken gotspoons: You're all being bad and I cannot support it 🤐😜 gotspoons: and I'm Rosie, I will just 😴 out on you all the time and yes, it's a fantastic excuse for when you don't wanna respond ihatemyguts: I'll commit all of those to memory in a normal, non-creepy manner ihatemyguts: but whilst I'm allowed to be a n00b, what do you all do for school? brainpain: I was nearly done before 🤯 which got me my pity pass ihatemyguts: pity with a point, at least, alright tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'm waiting to start uni, absolutely no thanks to my school and their totally ableist refusal to make reasonable adjustments for accessibility tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but fedora or not, I can be a real arsehole, a loud, persistent one at that tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: take my applause now brainpain: 😍 brainpain: take my 💘 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: as long as it's not heavy, m'lady brainpain: you could 💔 brainpain: hold the pieces tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 🧠 just isn't poetic enough brainpain: you know me gotspoons: you guys are so cute 🥰 and your broken brain is beautiful, Lauren gotspoons: me though, I'm barely struggling through school still, so many sick days, so much catching up to do 🥱 just thinking about it and therein lies the problem tigerbalm: my parents are trying to get online classes set up but my headteacher is like a million years old inandout: is he a demon? inandout: that was some scary fiction brainpain: or was it? brainpain: cue up those sound effects tigerbalm: if we're gonna talk about hypnosis, I'm out ihatemyguts: that was some serious creepy uncle vibes ihatemyguts: why did he need that level of control ihatemyguts: 🐘 in the room tigerbalm: I have a hippie cousin too, alternative therapy talk is so triggering ihatemyguts: I need a memoir re. your family sitch immediately 😂 ihatemyguts: you get the food purists coming @ me as if I just eat the right thing I'd be 'cured' tigerbalm: I'm working on a screenplay but I've never written a script before, I did find an online class for that easily though ihatemyguts: that's actually 😎 ihatemyguts: soz, Lauren brainpain: she's our lil busy 🐝 brainpain: step your game up, Zachary brainpain: supposed to be you, bro inandout: let Robbie have it, she has more sick days to fill up ihatemyguts: always have your 🥇 inandout: I can pin it on like a star when I got to school with the masses inandout: let them know I'm not what normal looks like ihatemyguts: only the others like you need to have the scoop on that though ihatemyguts: really fucks with the segregation in a big way inandout: “I feel like someone breathed new air into my lungs. I am not Abnegation. I am not Dauntless. I am Divergent.” ihatemyguts: Tattoo idea inandout: if I make it to 18, I'll do it ihatemyguts: how long you given yourself there? inandout: I turned 14 in may, the party was a full blown rager inandout: 🏥🎂 ihatemyguts: you like ruining events too? ihatemyguts: what a coincidence, don't just do family holidays inandout: if I can't blow up 🎈 nobody can ihatemyguts: 🥳 smug bastard inandout: I find that party blower offensive inandout: Rosie! That's a strike for the new girl ihatemyguts: Come to me when it's as culturally iconic as 💩 ihatemyguts: my next (first) tattoo right there inandout: how long are you waiting for that masterpiece? ihatemyguts: was 14 in March ihatemyguts: if we both make it, it's a date inandout: cool inandout: way I'm going that'll be my first one brainpain: now I feel like a pervy OLD uncle brainpain: thank you 👶s ihatemyguts: Lemme guess? ihatemyguts: I'm thinking 19 brainpain: spooky brainpain: I'm an Aquarius if anyone cares ihatemyguts: our 🌟s aligning might be too close to alternative for comfort tigerbalm: I'm a cancer, which is awkward tigerbalm: not my diagnosis ihatemyguts: at least it's memorable ihatemyguts: literally tacked on at the end, who's remembering 🎣 tigerbalm: I hope my 16th will be, for the right reasons tigerbalm: I've still got 5 months left to plan ihatemyguts: 🤞🤞🤞 tigerbalm: I'll add your name, the others know they're all invited ihatemyguts: that's so nice ihatemyguts: considering this introduction has given away nothing if not I am a terrible guest brainpain: another chat about online safety, Robyn, REALLY? 😏 brainpain: did my failed romance teach you nothing? ihatemyguts: if that isn't a challenge to send a photo and make you feel really weird ihatemyguts: why are we anon anyway, to stop us uprising? ihatemyguts: metaphorically if not literally, no offense xoxo brainpain: f it brainpain: I need you all to sign up to my stream to pay my bills anyways brainpain: [a selfie] ihatemyguts: @fibrofog, I get it brainpain: don't flock to tell me how sexy I am, that'd make it weird brainpain: plus, I know tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I picked an awkward time to check back in tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie falls asleep and anarchy reigns? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'm proud brainpain: 💔 YOU haven't showered me with compliments, but hey tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: if I made it that easy you'd never be 💘 brainpain: 😩 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: to save any of the rest of you following such a hard act tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: [pic] tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's old but still a rough estimation of what I look like on a good day brainpain: 😍 brainpain: You're up, girl Z ihatemyguts: if you're all good looking though, I'm so mad ihatemyguts: [a selfie] ihatemyguts: 💩 inandout: I'm not good looking, I'll go next inandout: besides, Robbie would never bow to peer pressure and Rosie is out for the count inandout: [a selfie] tigerbalm: I am 🙀 tigerbalm: but everyone else has tigerbalm: [the shyest selfie of all time] ihatemyguts: 😻😻😻 ihatemyguts: seriously ihatemyguts: representation done us dirty on so many levels now ihatemyguts: when we're not invisible, why we not so gorgeous tigerbalm: there should be a blushing 😸 tigerbalm: that's the representation I need ihatemyguts: Call me out all you need but I was convinced this whole thing would be a lot more tragic than it has been inandout: tragic Tuesdays are a thing brainpain: no they are f-ing not brainpain: Zachary, just cos the new girl's in your age bracket + shares your 1st initial brainpain: she is not corruptible to you inandout: check us on our date, Lauren inandout: but watch your profanity brainpain: watch me give you a DIY lung transplant gotspoons: Excuse me gotspoons: what is going on here brainpain: nothing babe, it's all a dream gotspoons: 😖 gotspoons: if it was, none of you would be here gotspoons: sorry to say brainpain: we love you too brainpain: hit us with that sleepy selfie gotspoons: You know we aren't meant to give out personal info in the public forum gotspoons: if you choose to privately, that's okay though gotspoons: also I don't look any better for my shower now 🥴🤫 brainpain: you're a hottie gotspoons: 😘 gotspoons: well, my blog IS going to be featured on [insert disability awareness news moment] next month, so it isn't as if you couldn't find 🖼 if you really wanted gotspoons: [photo] tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Congrats, Ro tigerbalm: a genuine 👏👏👏 tigerbalm: I love your blog gotspoons: Ty, ty 🙇 gotspoons: it's the same as my username, if you wanna check it out, newbie 😄 brainpain: but have you been on the news for being the victim of a violent crime? 😏 just me LOL inandout: Lauren's trading on her fame again inandout: let Rosie have her moment ihatemyguts: pass along all relevant info and I'll 🤓 right up brainpain: @inandout 🍒😃💩👅 brainpain: enjoy the profanity, bro inandout: today's highlight tigerbalm: Zelda could take offence at that, Zach tigerbalm: I think it was nice to meet her ihatemyguts: Not at all ihatemyguts: though it's cultural appropriation to use that emoji without my permission, I'll let it slide 😉 ihatemyguts: nice meeting you all too tigerbalm: I really am gonna have to tell you about my family now ihatemyguts: All I wanted, tbh tigerbalm: everyone else knows this but my parents are white Americans & they adopted me and my brothers who are Native and African American respectively tigerbalm: & you saw me, the Korean girl so ihatemyguts: Ohh tigerbalm: it sounds like a show that should air on ABC family, right? tigerbalm: hella awkward ihatemyguts: I'm brainstorming (p. sure we're not meant to say that, soz) titles rn ihatemyguts: inappropriate question alert, verbal smackdowns appreciated if needed ihatemyguts: did they adopt you knowing you were disabled or is that a new development? tigerbalm: I was gonna call it building bridges but we can't really say that the USA has wronged Korea like the other nations tigerbalm: though they did adopt me knowing so maybe it still works 😄 ihatemyguts: it's got legs tigerbalm: 🦿 ihatemyguts: Ugh, must dash ihatemyguts: 🩸💉s tigerbalm: best of luck ihatemyguts: 💕 total pro by now 💪 brainpain: if I don't 👀 you on my stream I'll 🔎 you here in the forums inandout: a threatening goodbye inandout: can't compete tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👋 Hope to see you back here, Zelda tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: though you wouldn't be the first person to 👻 after dropping in, so no pressure, @Lauren gotspoons: but actually, we're always here, some of us more than others, but you'll always find someone to chat to about the things you can't with non-spoonies ihatemyguts: ✌

[becauseiameverywhere-blog]

Cœur Brisé

Pairing: Seulgi X Jimin Type: One shot Genre: Angst Word Count: 6,605 Summary: This is where Seulgi’s happiness slipped out of her arms. (Real summary is on the following lines ;) )

P a i n

"우리 헤어지자 (Let's break up.)"

One sentence three words.

You left me alone.

You, who made me laugh, smile, proud is now leaving me.

And I...

and I...

           was left alone, all alone.

All alone to mend my heart.

All alone to suffer.

All alone to see you happy.

All alone to cry.

All alone.

I can still remember it, we met at han river at midnight of July 15 it was during our promotion of 'Red Flavor', I happily went to you, happily hugged you, telling you how much I missed you. I was happily telling you what happened during our fan signing event, telling you what Sooyoungie and Yerim did to me and played a prank to me again, I was telling you this fan who came in wearing a cute dress. I was telling you that another fan gave me a cute teddy bear and it reminded me of you.

Until those words slipped through your beautiful lips.

I really do not know if I heard it right, so I asked you again. You took a deep breath and looked at me in the eye, "미안해. 우리 헤어지자 (I'm sorry. Let's break up.)"

I just stood there, thinking what you meant, looking at you I thought you were just kidding so I laughed it off, but you were so serious that you were not even laughing.

"Why? Did I talk too much? O-or did my breath stink? Or do you hate me talking about my fans?" I was now looking at you with all seriousness. "Seulgi, hajima." I still did not listen to you and still insisted on talking about my flaws, "I-is it about me? Did I perhaps bored you? Or, or, did, did you find some-" I was frantic and my breathe was already heavy, I was already teary eyed, then you shouted at me. "Hajimalago Seulgi!" I immediately stopped, shocked, my tears suddenly poured out of my eyes, "Why!? Why are you breaking up with me!? Give me a reason!" I waited for your answer, but nothing came out of your beautiful lips, "Tell me! Don't just tell me let's break up! Why!?" With our argument getting heating up, you took a deep breath agitated and irritated already, "Do you want to know? Do you really want to know?" you looked at me intensely, "나는 너를 더 이상 사랑하지 않아  (I don't love you anymore.)" As soon as you said those words my heart which has been aching so badly, felt like it was breaking into pieces.

"You are lying! You!" I pointed at him while still crying, "Stop lying to me!" I started punching your chest, desperately wishing and hoping that you are lying, "Stop lying Jimin! Stop lying!" You just stood still while receiving my punches with your head down, "Jimin, why? Please... Don't do this to me." I don't care if I look like a mess already, I don't care if I look like a crazy person, I don't care a damn thing anymore!   

You caught my hands and looked at me in the eye, "Geumanhae Seulgi, we are through! How many times should I tell you! Let's stop this." You let go of my hands and turned away, I hugged you preventing you to go, "Jimin... Please... Hajima... Please... Let's fix this." I was clinging to you, clingin to you as if I am going to die letting you walk away, away from my life. But you still broke free from my hug, as you walked away from me,it felt as if you took my heart in my chest then you literally crushed it with your hands. Without any strength left, I just sat and cried while watching you walk away from me, every step, breaking my heart, wishing that this was just a nightmare. Wishing that everything was just a joke. Because right now it feels like the world is throwing a prank to me.

I heard a shuffling beside me for a while I thought you came back to me, telling me that it is just a prank, that you were just joking, that you were testing me. But no, it was the Red velvet members who came for me at that time, they hugged me, they were trying to comfort me. Our manager even went there, instead of getting angry at me, she pat me on the back telling me 'Gwaenchana, let it all out'.

While we are on our way back to the dorm, everything that you told me replayed in my head, "미안해. 나는 너를 더 이상 사랑하지 않아. 우리 헤어지자 (I'm sorry. I don't love you anymore.  Let's break up.)", that made me realize no matter how pretty a person's lips is, a cruel word or sentence could be created out of it. Tears uncontrollably pouring out of my eyes, lips trembling preventing for a sound to come out, mind bothered by unexpected shock, and heart, slowly but surely breaking into pieces. 

No matter how many hardships we faced, the time will always come for us when we need to break up. No matter how many years we've been, no matter how many times we stayed quiet during the times when our fans suspected us of dating, no matter how many memories we have built together, no matter how many time we spent together. No matter how much we loved each other...

In the end, we would still break.

Through all of those promises, all of those secret glances and touches we shared, you still gave up on us.

When in fact, you were the one who told me you will never ever leave me.

I feel so empty without you.

I feel like a person dancing on my own.

I feel like a bird, who's wings were cut.

I feel like an empty doll.

I feel like a toy thrown away by its owner.

I feel like nothing.

When we entered the dorm no one asked me what happened, they just hugged me, they tried so hard to make me smile and laugh. But I just can't, I left them in the living room then went to my room, since Wendy is my roommate she followed me. She tried to coax me to tell her what happened, that they were surprised when you called her and told her that I was in han river alone. They asked you why but you ended the call.

I cried once again, the freshness of the wound, the pain, and the memory, it all flashed back to me.

"He said we should break up. H-he told me that, h-he doesn't l-love me anymore." More tears escaped my eyes as those words rang inside my head. "Wendy," I looked at her and she hugged me, "he said he doesn't love me anymore. I tried so hard... I tried to tell me that... that it was just a lie... I was waiting for him to tell me that it was just a joke..." I kept on crying, "Hush. Let it all out Seulgi." Wendy kept on patting my back until I unknowingly fell asleep, while in Wendy's arms.

Wendy

While Seulgi-bear was telling me what that Park Jimin told her, Joy, Irene and Yeri were actually listening, it hurts to see that our bear is crying not because of laughing but because of that punk! 

After all of those promises he made to us, "I promise! I won't hurt Seulgi." Tch, words words words.

Aigoo.

That Park Jimin hurting our bear!

When I settled Seulgi on her bed I noticed that she was still crying and was murmuring that punk's name. Sigh, no matter how much you got hurt you still talk about him in your dreams. That punk must be taught a lesson!

When I looked at them their eyes were also burning with anger, oh boy, if looks could kill and thoughts could kill, that punk would be dead. When we went back to the living room we were discussing on what to do with Seulgi's broken heart, and about the punk.

Yeri was calling somebody, hoooo it must be her "friend" in a certain group, a certain group called BTS.

I shook my head, oh dear, another person who is possibly whipped.

I am going to plead and pray that Yerimie will not end up broken hearted like Seulgi.

"Bou!?" I almost jumped out of the sofa when Yeri shouted and looked so angry while staring at her phone. She looked so irritated and angry, "Wae? What happened Yeri?" Irene-unnie asked her, she then let us take a look on the article.

[HOT!] Netizens Speculate Jimin(BTS) and Jeongyeon(Twice) are Dating!

     Love and Hate relationship which can be seen from these two members of a known idol group are now being seen by Netizens as a cover up to confuse people that they are not dating when in fact, they are! With the recent videos that resurfaced in a known site, Naver, showing how they react to each other. It has been the most searched term and has become a hot topic among netizens. Some of them are even telling that they are dating while some are telling them that they broke up in bad terms that is why that is happening. For you guys to judge it on your own you can watch the video below:

(Y'all need to use your imagination in here hhohohohohooh I meant no harm to those who loves Twice, but this is a needed way for me to make this story more ya' know. SO DO NOT GO AND SPREAD THE WORD THAT I DRAGGED JEONGYEON'S NAME FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Nope nope nope. As an avid Seulmin fan I am discouraged by it, that is why my inspiration got more fired up because of that issue. But I am still a Seulmin shipper ^^)

I read the comments. I mean, I should not believe in anything but watching the video made me uncomfortable, the way he looked at Seul, that was the way he was looking at Jeongyeon of Twice.

[+201,-23] ****ws

           kkkkk. I knew it. They are dating.

[+123,-38] ***aw

           Pfft. Delulu, they ain't dating, or maybe they are ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[+20,0] *****hsaj

        Shipping it! ♥‿♥

[+55,-2] *******bass

        Woah woah woah! I never knew this! Let me see more!

[+238,-22] ***sd

          Lol, everyone keeps on pushing this through. But they do look so cute together though.

[+3,0] i***kjd

       o(╥﹏╥)o

[+321,-81] ******waer

           Why am I shipping this? Hmmmmmmmm. But damn, I still ship any idols to anyone who looks cute together. Btw, I ship red velvet with bts and now this arrived I am having doubts.

[+123,-23] ****kjdh

           Lol, other shippers are gonna die after looking at this! They really do have a chemistry!

[+231,-67] ****e

          (●´ω｀●) Fanfic! Fanfic!

Sigh, all of them are also sure that there is something going on between them.

"But if Seulgi knows about this..." Irene-unnie started, "It would break her more."

We all looked at each other thinking for other solutions to solve this, "We cannot let her see this, Wendy-unnie make sure that Seulgi-unnie will not read anything regarding this issue, we should confirm this first to the person itself or from a member from BTS." Joy said while reading the article again, I think she is searching for more articles connected to it. "Okay, then Yerim-ah, since you are close to Jungkook why don't you ask him? He might know someting about it." Irene-unnie suggested to Yeri.

"But, unnie," Yeri hesitated for a bit but nonetheless agreed, "I'll try." While Yeri is trying to contact Jungkook I went back to the room and checked on Seulgi who's sleeping.

"Unnie," Yeri immediately caught our attention, so I went back to the living room, she was looking grim while holding her phone. This is not a good sign. Our heart already sunked before we could hear it from Yeri. "Jungkook said that Jimin-oppa opened up to them and said that he..." she sighed deeply, "He said that he doesn't feel anything for Seulgi-unnie and that his feelings were directed to Jeongyeon. I just don't know how people's feelings could change that fast."

"Did he really just confirm everything? I mean." Joy was already fuming.

I heard the door just close, when I looked back I saw the door of our room opened.

Oh no.

This is bad.

I immediately stood up and went to the room.

"Seulgi-ah." I called out for Seulgi just to see that she is not in the room.

"Unnie! Seulgi heard our conversation!" I shouted and tried to contact Seulgi through her phone, "What?" Yeri also went to the room and saw that it was empty. Ottoke! Ottoke! Seulgi!

I heard her phone ring in the room and saw that she left it on the table.

"We need to find her! She left her phone!"

Seulgi-ah, where did you go?

Seulgi

I woke up and saw that Wendy is not here, I heard their voices in the living room when I was on the door I heard Yeri, "Jungkook said that Jimin-oppa opened up to them and said that he..." she sighed deeply, "He said that he doesn't feel anything for Seulgi-unnie and that his feelings were directed to Jeongyeon. I just don't know how people's feelings could change that fast."

What?

Jimin and Jeongyeon?

Ahh, that must be it. That's right I don't deserve him anymore. He is unfit to be with me. That's right he is suited for a top girl group. I laughed silently, mocking myself.

This must be a joke.

I got my wallet and wore a white hoodie and a mask.

I need to be alone.

I want to be alone.

This is just a joke, right?

I went out of the dorm quietly and ran. Ran away as far as I could, not minding the people I am bumping.

Not minding the rain.

This is not a movie or a drama, but why? Why is this happening to me? I became an idol like our dream together.

Jimin. We became a known idol. This is our dream together. But why?

Did you really love me? 

Ah that's right. You don't love me anymore.

I kept on running not knowing where my feet will take me.

I just realized that I am in front of their company.

I just laughed, "Hah, what kind of sick joke am I playing?" Why am I even here? He won't be here, he won't look for me, he doesn't care about me anymore.

I took a taxi going back to my hometown.

I don't care how much I spend.

I just need to see them, my parents and oppa.

Because right now, I don't even want to continue being an idol.

I don't even know anymore.

When I reached my destination I saw that the door was locked, that's right Seulgi, they are still sleeping, before I could turn around and go to another place the door opened and saw mother.

"Aigoo! Seulgi-ah! You surprised me! What are you doing there! Come inside." Mother hugged me and without any warning my tears started to flow. 

"Hm? Wae? Why is our princess crying? Did something happen? Huh?" 

"Eomma..." I just kept on crying and crying while being on her arms. 

I just kept repeating her name. Eomma just comforted me, it feels like she knows already but she kept quiet about it and just comforted me. "I really don't know anymore..." I started while crying, "Why? Did something happen?" Eomma just dried my tears with her hands and looked at me with concern, "Hng... I just want to stay here and quit everything." Eomma just kept on wiping my tears away, "Aigoo~ Our princess, everything in life is not all about being happy, we grow up by experiencing pain, rejection and mistakes. Eomma might not know everything what is happening to you but, our princess, fought so hard to become an idol, to shine and share your talents to everybody. Don't let a heart break destroy you Seulgi." I was still crying, "How did you know about that eomma?" She looked at me and smiled, "I know everything Seulgi, even if you don't tell me anything I know. You won't cry this hard even if you got scolded or made mistakes during your performance." My tears completely wiped away by eomma, "Show him! Show him that you are strong, show him that he just made you stronger and braver! You are our princess. You did not become an idol just to be left behind, you became an idol to show them that you are you and they must accept you. I'll call your other members and tell them that you will be spending the night here."

That's right, eomma is correct. I must be strong.

I must show him that I am strong. That I am fine even if he left me.

I'll be fine.

The next day I was fetched by the members and they scolded me for making them worry about me. I just went along with their teasings and tried to be happy. Trying to be happy, faking a smile pretending to be okay is hard. They knew how much I am hurting right now but the members still showered me with love. A month passes and I tried to remove his existence to my life. I flushed all of our memories together down the drain, I deleted our picture together, I threw away all of the things he gave me. I will be meeting him once again to end our relationship properly. At first, Irene-unnie was against this idea, but I made sure that they can trust me with this one. No matter how much they hate Jimin they cannot do anything since I kept on stopping them fron doing anything against him. They were even commenting negative things to Jimin as an anonymous person in a article regarding him. I stopped them and scolded them, telling them that they are not kids anymore and they should stop doing those things. Joy tried to rebel by being noisy but I just laughed at her, telling her to stop it and I'll tell her to Sungjae, with a pouting face and defying glare she said "Psh. Threatening me with Sungjae-oppa." and left the room while throwing a tantrum.

The doorbell clanged and I looked at who entered he hasn't arrived yet. The designated meeting time was 11AM but it has already been 30 minutes past the time, this coffee shop is not really relatively known and it is in a secluded place, this is where we usually meet and have a date, this place became a special spot for us, a happy memory, where I will be drawing him and he will just be sitting there looking at me.

"Hmmmmmm. Oppa." I looked at him while drawing his lips, he looked at me intensely, "Wae?" I was laughing at him and blushing at the same time, waaaaaahhhhhhh looking at his lips look so cute.

He looked surprised when I was laughing at him then he captured my face with his hands and played with my cheeks, "Oppa! I am trying to draw you! Hajimaaaa." He just kept on playing with my cheeks and gave a peck on my lips that I stopped laughing and started to blush heavily.

"Aigoo~ Yepo-da. You look so stunning while blushing." Jimin kept on complimenting me as I blushed harder, "Yah, don't distract me."

"Arasseo, arasseo. Just make sure I am really handsome in your drawing." You said while raising both of your arms.

I was laughing at the memory when Jimin sat on the chair opposite to mine.

"What do you want to talk about? I don't have time so make it quick." You asked with coldness in your voice, since I never got used to this voice of yours pain started to creep again on my chest. I snapped out and came back to the reality.

I hastily took out the box in my bag and slid it in front of you. "I just want to return these things to you. Thank you for everything, if you want to order something you can order it and put it on my tab. Then I'll go now." While I am packing up my things you looked at it and opened it. "Ah, you don't need to return these things to me, you can just throw it away." You slid the box back, "If you just want to see me you have to stop it Seulgi. I am already-" "Seeing someone else and I really love her." I continued and sighed. "I just wanted to return it to you, I have no other ulterior motives about it, and I already agreed that both of us should break up."

You looked surprised, "How did you know about me loving a different person?" I looked at you with my best poker face, "I just heard it." My mask was now falling apart as you came closer at me and I smelled a different perfume on you, a girl's perfume. Ahh, that's why he was late, he must have been all cuddly to her. She must be waiting outside. Before my mask falls of I stood up and went outside of the shop, then I got a glimpse of her waiting for you, she bowed to me then I also bowed to her out of courtesy and respect. I briskly went to my manager's car, "Oppa, let's go, I am done with my business here."

My tears still rolled down, and held my chest.

What a joke, stupid, stupid heart. Still beating for him. Still yearning for him. Haven't you had enough? He already broke you! Stop being a stupid heart!

That was the last thing that I had that made me remember you, the ring and necklace that you gave me, is the sign of me giving up.

"Don't ever remove this ring, Seulgi." I asked you while looking at you sliding the ring in my finger.

"Why?"

"This will the sign of us being a couple, so never ever remove it."

"I won't. I endured so much just to be with you so do you think I'll break up with you that easily? I'm not an easily girl, you know that Chimchim." I told you as I was looking at the ring adoringly.

"That's right, I also did not endure all of your jealousy and temper just to break up with you easily." You teasingly told me and as a retort I just glared at you and smiled at you while hugging you, "I really love you Chimchim."

"I love you too, my Seulgi-bear."

And yet, you easily broke up with me and I just accepted it. Because I already felt as if you don't love me anymore, those late night talks we spent together never happened anymore the last time we had a comeback before "Red Flavor", you never updated yourself personally with my schedules, you never bothered me anymore, you never gave the signs to me anymore. It was as if you are already bored with me, if I knew that the time you will be asking me out again would be the last time and would be the first time you will breaking my heart. 

In every award shows that I see you I always avoided looking at you. I avoided looking sad while you are trying to show a love-hate relationship with your current girl.

I am fine.

I'll be fine.

This is nothing.

But when I saw you looking at her during their performance I turned away immediately.

Ahh. Stupid heart.

When I went to the coffee shop we found together I saw both of you enjoy yourselves, both of you laughing being clingy, sweet, and more in love, when you turned your head to my direction I immediately hid, when I peeked again you kissed her, before I could cry again I went out of the shop and have decided that I'll never return here anymore.  The other members were trying to distract me and I kept on thinking about them, I tried to remove you in my brain. I spent every free time I've got in the practice room. Dancing and singing, improving my skills in everything just to get you out of my system. I became workaholic, I always spend my time in the practice room even when I got home from the studio I would always be doing something, I would draw, watch the TV, read a book, watch a movie. I went out with the members whenever we had time. I went to karaoke alone to sing out my bleeding heart.

Even after all of those efforts I did. Every time I close my eyes it would always wonder back to you.

But just hearing your name, your voice, seeing your face, seeing your smiling face, makes me stuck to you.

It made me hate it. Made me hate you.

Why?

I have been doing my best to remove you out of my system but why?

Why am I still suffering? 

I already gave you up. I already deleted all of our memories together. But why? Why is my heart still searching for you?

It has been a year since we broke up. 

It has been a year and your group's popularity rose up.

It has been a year and you are still with her.

It has been a year and I am still hurting.

If I could give an award to myself it would be Best in Being Stupid, and my speech would be "Unfortunately, this award has been given to me since I still can't get over my first love and first heart break. I still update myself with his schedule. And yes, I am still hung up on him. That is why I thank you for giving this award to me for throwing it on my face that I still love the person who left me."

Hearing your name does not really hurt me that much anymore. 

I improved myself, since most of the time you are in U.S. because you are now the top idol group in the world, I haven't been able to see you face.

We became busy because of "Bad Boy" and that reminded me of you but I still kept you hidden away from my mind and heart.

But I forgot, the world is unfair to me.

December 20, it was already past midnight when I finished my own schedule, manager oppa was driving, I am on my phone listening to a music. When our car was suddenly hit by a truck.

It happened so fast that I did not know what to do, all I can remember is shouting before I hit my head so hard that I lost consciousness. 

It was too quiet, too quiet on my own liking. 

It was too cold.

It was too dark.

"-gi!" Somebody's calling for my name, "Seulgi!" 

I want to speak but there's no voice coming out. I tried moving my hands but to no avail I can't. I'm scared. What is going to happen to me? Will I be alright? I can not feel anything. I can not do anything. It is too dark and cold.

Wendy

"Is Seulgi back already?" Irene-unnie asked, she just came back from another schedule.

"Not yet unnie." 

"Really? That's odd. She should be here already since my schedule is finished an hour after hers."

That's right, Seulgi should have been already here. She sent me a message that she is already going back an hour ago. 

Then Irene-unnie's phone rang. "Hello? Yes oppa?" Then she froze and looked so stricken with fear, "Wh-which hospital? I-is she okay? Unnie!" She snatched her padded jacket and then she grabbed my hands and ran going out of the apartment while she is on the phone. "Unnie, we will be going there right now!" Irene-unnie who is usually strong was crying in front of me. As we rode the taxi we went to a hospital and Irene-unnie told me everything. We were nervous and scared of Seulgi, as we arrived the hospital we immediately looked for our manager unnie.

"Unnie! How's Seulgi? Did the doctor say anything?" Irene-unnie who is usually collected is now panicking. 

We were in front of the emergency room, while waiting for the doctor to save Seulgi, Seulgi's parents arrived. We were all praying that she would be safe.

Then the doctor went out of the emergency room.

"How is my daughter doctor?" Seulgi's Mom was crying while asking the doctor, "We saved her on time," he paused as if there is a contradicting words waiting to be spilled, "However, apparently she received too much pressure within her skull that caused a damage to her nerves, unfortunately it was her optic nerve that has been damaged." All of us was nervous we did not understand what he was talking about, "W-what do you mean?" Seulgi's mom inquired quietly hoping that it was not a serious damage, the doctor took a deep breath "Ma'am, Seulgi-ssi's eye sight has been permanently damaged." We were at loss on what to say, "That can't be! Doctor! Please tell me there isa cure to that right?" Seulgi's mom was crying, "She cannot be blind!" We stopped her on jolding the doctor as she collapsed and kept on crying, all of us started to cry knowing what this means. "I'm very sorry Mrs. Kang." The doctor said and went ahead.

While watching over Seulgi in a private room, all of us are distraught by the accident. Even our manager oppa was injured but not greatly like Seulgi.

Joy and Yeri also went here to check on her but immediately left because there too many people here already. Since, Seulgi's parents are here we have also decided to go back to the dorm.

"I never thought that it would happen suddenly. And, the reporters knew about it so fast." Irene-unnie said while we are in the living room, since there were reporters waiting outside the vicinity we went out of the hospital through their other exit.

"Really, reporters knew about it like they are just there watching." When we turned on the TV the whole channels are already broadcasting about Seulgi's accident.

"SMent, haven't given yet a statement, but I really don't know how Seulgi would take this. This would be a great loss in our group." Irene-unnie said.

We returned to our own room and showered a bit and rested, so that later we will be visiting Seulgi.

After sleeping for 5 hours the four of us went back to the hospital and just checked on Seulgi, we arrived at a good timing since Seulgi's parents should rest so we have decided to stay and keep on watching Seulgi's condition. She is not yet conscious so seeing her in this state makes our heart sink but we need to be strong for Seulgi. There was a knock on the door so Joy opened the door, "What are you guys doing here?" Joy said in a serious tone, so we looked at the person who Joy is talking to. "We are here to visit Seulgi-ssi." It was V, Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon and Suga, they are all wearing a cap and a mask to hide their face. "Does your leader and entertainment know you are here?" Joy continued on interrogating them, sigh, sometimes she acts like a scary step-mom. All of them kept quiet and did not answer Joy's question, Irene-unnie decided to intervene before people would recognize them, "Sigh, it's fine Sooyoungie. Let them in." Since Irene-unnie is our leader and older Joy had no other choice bur to let them in. But before they could breath lightly Irene-unnie scolded them, "We are all friends here, yes, but then, if you are going to visit our Seulgi," ohhh, emphasizing our, yep, unnie is still angry to Jimin-ssi. "You need to ask for a permission from your company and manager. Your group, no, in fact, all of you are a big star, so coming here without taking any precautions can make your whole fandom get angry and can cause a dispute between our fans, you should think before coming here. Its not that I am prohibiting you from visiting our Seulgi, but just make sure you are all taking a precaution." After unnie said those words they seem guilty for not talking to their company, "We are sorry for the sudden intrusion, Irene-ssi, next time we will make sure to contact our director so that it could not be messy. Oh, and our manager actually knows about this." Suga said, and handed a flower and fruits for Seulgi, "We actually wanted to check on Seulgi, since she also became close to us." V immediately said. While Jimin is just staring at Seulgi looking grim. 

Irene-unnie took the flower and fruits for Seulgi and settled it on the table, since the room is quite large it was enough for us. It was actually a awkward situation. We are all quiet and the only one who is talking is Yerim and Jungkook. But they do not really talk that loud, Irene unnie went near me and whispered, "They should not know about Seulgi's blindness." I just agreed, because if they knew they would be coming here everyday and it could cause a ruckus if their fans knew about it, and we were instructed by our manager unnie not to tell it to anyone before SM gives a statement. While, V was staring at Seulgi and looked sad the same with Jimin. Namjoon's phone rang and when he answered it, it was time they go. "Let's go. They are already looking for us." Namjoon said to the other boys, Namjoon looked at us and they bowed, "Thank you for letting us visit Seulgi, we will be going now." Namjoon said that and they took off.

"Sigh. Friends or not it was still an awkward atmosphere." Yeri said when they went out already.

"I know right." Joy second emotioned with Yeri.

"I was actually surprised that he came with them." Irene-unnie said, when Seulgi and Jimin broke up it was never the same anymore. The atmosphere before was light and cheerful but it has now taken a grim and sour mood everytime our group collides. It was as if the thing that connected our group together with BTS was the relationship of Seulgi and Jimin. "But right now, I think we should let go of that beef for now, for Seulgi." I just said and they agreed with a silence.

While scrolling on my phone SMent already gave their statement, it said that:

Hello, this is SM Entertainment giving a statement regarding the accident of Seulgi, member of Red Velvet, and her manager.

We will be assuring you that Seulgi is now of in the safe side and is now currently resting, she will also be taking a rest due to the injury she  received due to the accident with her manager, onve she has been discharged from the hospita. We are also confirming that we will be filing charges to the truvk driver who was also involved and cause of the accident our artist suffered from. As a rightful human being it is unjust and untimely for us not to take any actions since it has been a serious car accident.

We will be updating you regarding our artist's health once she has been diagnosed and given a treatment in the hospital.

Once again, this is SM Entertainment. We will be updating you in regard to this issue, thank you.

So they did not disclose the information that Seulgi is now permanently blind.

Seulgi

I can smell the scent of medicine, am I in the hospital? I tried moving my hands and opening my eyes. I succeeded in moving my hands  is there on my eye? I can not open it. "Seulgi?" I heard my mom's voice, and I felt somebody touch my hands as well, "Eomma? W-where am I? Why can't I open my eyes?" "Wait here our Princess we will be calling the doctor." I felt the hand let go of me and I heard a shuffling of a door being opened. A minute passed and I felt somebody remove a cloth on my head and eye. "Seulgi-ssi, can you try opening your eyes?" The doctor told me, when I opened my eyes I was distraught. "D-doctor? I can't see anything." Panick was already creeping up my spine. "Seulgi-ah, please do not get angry or lose hope, okay?" "Why mom? I-is there something wrong?" A lot of things are now running in my head, worst case scenarios passed in my head before I get to hear what the doctor would tell me. "Seulgi-ssi, since the accident you received a head injury that caused your optic nerve to be damaged, in simpler term, it resulted in your blindness." I could hear him saying those things but nothing could get through my mind after telling me that I am blind. "I, uhm, it is temporarily right...?" Was all I could say, when there is no answer given it got through me. Ahh. I am blind for the rest of my life.

With no words coming out of my mouth I just stayed quiet not telling them what to say. I internally swallowed all of the information given to me. The doctor was suggesting things on how can I get used to it but I did not listen to him, everything was a blur.

Weeks have passed but I still cannot digest everything. My blindness have been already spilled by SM to the media, and right now my future turned into a different way, I was dreaming just last month on how I can improve my dancing and singing skills, last month I was dreaming of going around the world with Joy, Irene-unnie, Wendy and Yerimie. But now... Everything seems so bleak, what can I do? Just accept the reality that I will not be able to perform anymore with them.

I already packed my things to be shipped back to my hometown, and after this we will be meeting our fans, this will be the last and final stage in my life. The last day I can spend with them and the last day that I can be a Red Velvet member. 

As we arrived the venue I can hear the fans' scream and cheers.

I sang BTOB's Beautiful Pain as it talked about breaking up. I listened to this song everytime, and this time I am singing this for the fans, everybody cried. I also cried as I reached the last note. Everything flashed to me. Every moment that happened flashed back to me, the moment I met him, I debut in Red Velvet, we performed, we were loved by our sunbaenim in SM, we were cheered on by our fans when there were bad things that is being thrown at us, when we broke up, when the only that made me happy and stand up again are my fans and members. But right now everything has to stop.

I guess I got very unlucky because I did something bad in my past. I took a deep breath and gave my speech.

Everything that I did was a blur. I don't know but why is it always me who is punished?

Everything that happened is painful to be remembered.

Everything was falling apart ever since.

Everything even me was a failure.

The end.

I don't know I just ended it there. Sorry for the bad story line.

[khaycaprithewriter]

The Black Sheep

I really wanted to start of this next post with a short story. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins, Ben and Kiera. I do not remember exactly how it started but we ended up talking about me being adopted and all the feelings and emotions tied into it that I have experienced. They both told me something that took me by surprise. “We didn’t even know you were adopted, we just knew we were cousins”. It was all just love, genuine family love and they didn’t love me any different or any less. No matter what, we were family. I have always wanted to write about my life being a black girl in an all white family. I did not want to write it really for myself but, for all of you. All my life I have been asked “oh, whats it like being adopted?” or “oh your family is white? How is that?” and my usual response is, “what do you mean HOW is it?” like they’re asking a waiter about a dish on a goddamn menu! Its rude, its insulting to me, it makes me feel like an alien on mars. We all have family whether it is blood or not they are my family. Its not weird, its beautiful and normal and the fact that people still question this is getting so annoying. So many kids are born and unwanted or mistreated by a parent who does not even give a fuck about them. But, here I am brought into this world by a woman who was not able to raise me and chosen by a woman who had been praying for a daughter like me. I was chosen, I was wanted by an entire family ready to welcome me with love and care, genuine love and care. Now, another thing I wanted to address is how I was adopted. I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me “what was it like to be an orphan?” IS THIS ANNIE? I swear some of y'all swear we live in 1932 and I was left at the steps of an orphanage and my mom just happened to stumble across me and take me and raise me. NO, I was not an orphan. My birth mom was a crackhead, had aids, went to jail. There was no way she was able to keep me even if she wanted to. I am not going to go too into my adoption because I already made a post about this on my instagram. Just know that I was not an orphan. Growing up, I never felt different and to be honest, I felt like everyones family looked just like mine because my best friend from childhood had a white sister and they had black parents. It was normal to me, it was all normal to me until the first time I got called a nigger. This little ugly boy from elementary school said “do you know what a nigger is?” I said “no but I know it is a bad word and I don't like it” he proceeded to say “well, its what you are! You're a nigger, my daddy said you're a nigger”. My heart broke, I was so hurt because I still had no idea what it meant and when I figured out what is was I cried for hours. “Am I different than you?” I often asked my mom and she always assured me that I was not. But “nigger” kept ringing in my head every time I walked into that classroom. I was only 7 or 8 at the time. Growing up, this was my harsh reality. Any time I went anywhere with my family we would get stared at. The looks that people gave us were so nasty, like they were trying to figure out why I am out in public in an all white town with these white people. Whenever I am with my family and were shopping and I put my stuff with theirs on the counter, “oh aren't you going to separate that?” then we say “no were all together”  THEY ARE SHOOK. “oh....okay.” Its embarrassing that we live in a world where we cannot even shop together without getting looked at. I can't walk down the street with them and not get stares. When I go out in public with Naomi AND my family, they REALLY try to figure that one out! How is this older white lady with a black girl and her baby? They never assume that I am her daughter and she is her granddaughter. It hurts that I can go out with Rasheeds family and nobody bats a fucking eyelash. Yet, when I go out with my family the security cards look me up and down and people try to figure us out. I have a family, an amazing one at that. But I still feel sad whenever I go out with them because nobody just sees us as “family”.What kills me is when I go on vacation with my family and join them at the pool or at the beach and they assume I just crashed their party or just took one of their spots, so close minded and so hypocritical.  I went to my godmothers funeral hysterically crying only to find out almost nobody knew who I was. I went to my grandmothers funeral and my grandfather was holding my hand and this lady walks up to me and says “Its really quite nice that you showed up today” I said “excuse me?” she continued to say “well usually home health aids do not come to these things” My heart sank and I will never forget the look on my grandfathers face. He was so hurt, so confused, so angry” he gripped my hand hard and I laid my head back on his shoulder and said “Im their granddaughter”. The lady chuckled emabressed and walked away. It was the saddest feeling I felt and this was yet again one of the only times I felt different and like I did not belong. I had wondered if anyone would ever see this as my family and the older I get I feel like nobody will ever understand. So no, there is nothing different about my family to me, but to YOU it is different. Its foreign, its taboo, its unnatural. All because my skin is darker than theres. My family has always loved me, accepted me, been there for me no matter what the circumstances. I have so much family and so much genuine love people wish they could have from their own families. I think whoever reads this should take a second look before they ever judge me again, before they ever question about what its “like” being adopted. I do not feel different than them, but others will do anything in their power to make sure I do. There is no other way to describe it other than, that IS 100% my real family, I didnt just join, I was here from the go. They're not my “white people” they are my family and if I ever here anyone comment on them or call them my “white family” I will confront you and shut down your comments. Also to answer one last burning question, yes they are all mostly republican, yes our thanksgivings are interesting, no we do not agree 100% on everything but we are able to talk about things and talk about how we feel about certain things. We talk, we state our opinions and then we are back to normal back to family. Just because we have different political points does not mean they are going to shut down my opinions or “disown” me and I will not just shut them out of my life. That is the problem in our society today, we are so quick to block and delete just over someone else opinion when we don't even know what they are going to say! 

I hope you all really enjoyed this blog, I know its lengthy again but theres a lot that has to be said about things. Especially, if you are the one asking for answers to these questions. I appreciate you all so much! Look out for the next post, its going to be something very personal and I am really nervous about posting it so please send good vibes my way! I want to be as open as possible with everyone. I love y'all, stay tuned!

[orokinarchives]

Nora Night Dialogue

(Nightwave hype image)

Nightwave focuses on one particular story at a time, termed a "Series", beginning with The Wolf of Saturn Six as Series 1. While a Series is running, Nora presents a list of Acts, or challenges, for the Tenno to complete. Completing Acts will reward Nightwave Standing. Nora will give rewards upon reaching certain tiers of Standing (every 10.000 Standing), including a special currency which can be used to purchase rotating offerings. The Standing and currency are particular to each Series and expire when the Series ends.

Radio Scanner

Nora Night will occasionally broadcast messages over the Radio Scanner in the Tenno's Orbiter.

(generic)

"Hey there, Dreamers. You hearin' me? I know you are. No need to say anythin'. A hand in yours, a voice for the speechless, a bedtime story for the sleepless. The name's Nora Night, and I got somethin' to say, sweet things. Nightwave is coming."

"A voice in the night, a half-remembered dream, rising to the surface of your consciousness, from backbrain to forebrain, a sound to a vision, pullin' up and… knockity-knock. Hello, Dreamers. Let's get to know one another."

"Hey, Dreamers. We are up and ready to party."

"To all of you driftin' out there in the black, mark the frequency. The time has come to act together. To open our eyes and gaze with utmost clarity past the present and into a future we create. Shoulder-to-shoulder. Mark the frequency."

"An echo, from long ago: 'For ten years I have been polishing this sword. Its frosty edge has never been put to the test. Now, I am holding it and showing it to you, sir: Is there anyone suffering from injustice?' Keep livin', Dreamers."

"In a world like this, it can be hard to have hope, when the man owns the system and the system serves to save the man, from us. But I'm here, Dreamers. To help you pierce that false fog. We'll chase it away with acts of beauty and – succeed or fail – face the foe, eyes open. As someone once said: 'If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life.'"

"Acts of defiance, acts of generosity, acts of sacrifice… this is how we turn this system 'round. I'll take you there, Dreamers. I'll bring you back."

"Hey there, Dreamers. The Devil is home and the shades are up. That's right… it's just you and me, passin' each other slow and with a nod sayin' all that needs sayin'. I'm Nora Night, sayin'… you live with wolves, you better act like one."

"It can be tough as a kid. All sorts of people have it over you. People will kill you inside, kill you and forget your name. You grow up. They grow old. You remember. They don't. They just keep doing what they've always done, only to someone else. Then, one day, they call you friend. And you wait. And you wait. You wait 'til they can't trust you any more than they do. And then you ask them if they enjoyed their dinner. And, looking into their panicked eyes as they gasp their last, you tell them your name. And you nod. 'Yeah', your eyes say to theirs. 'That was me'. And then you leave. And the System is a better place. Be smart, Dreamers."

(events)

"Nora has it on good authority that Rail pirates are hungry after a cold weekend, sweet thing. Check your mags and keep the gas tanks full."

"Well, bad news, foodies: the Corpus are scrapping plans to bioengineer food from hazardous waste. Diners reported everything tasted like vermink… then exploded. Back to the lab, you crazy kids."

"Ah, Nef Anyo ain't best pleased by the actions of some of our friends. [deep sigh] Keep your heads down, Solaris United, and steer clear of Officer Friendly."

"Now, I hear remarked that Nef's obelisk is lit up for another of the big man's showcases, parties, soirées, whatever. On the invite list is anybody who is anybody, and nobody who is nobody. Even Nora Night didn't get an invite. Shame on you, Nef Anyo, for I am delightful."

"Grineer Galleons kickin' up dust all the way from Venus to Pluto. Watch your backs, people."

"A little bird tells me that nasty ol' Nef Anyo's got somethin' up his sleeve for the good people of Fortuna. But I have it on good authority help is on the way. Keep the faith, people. Sunshine is just around the corner."

"Well, it's early where Nora is, and, as she wipes the sleep from her eyes, she wonders… does Unum ever leave that Tower? Can she leave that Tower? Who is she? What is she? Someone in Cetus must have answers. Come on, sweet things. Give it up."

"On this cold and lonely eve, spare a thought for tractor jockeys, Rail agents, and lone travellers making their way. Trying to bring a little joy to people's lives, one shipment at a time."

"Nora has it on good authority that the enterprising Corpus are clearing out ice out of newly-discovered tunnels. For what purpose, she wonders?"

"Well, it's a lazy night between the stars for you and me, while out there, the System is still on fire. Grineer on Corpus, Corpus on Infested – and in between, the little people like you and me, well, we're just tryin' not to get stepped on. Here's to us, Dreamers."

"Nora here. The Red King is at the dance. But listen… as you drift between the stars, Nora wants you to know you ain't alone. Mm-mm. We're all of us a kinda family out here, ain't we? All of us. The multitudes. Driftin' and listenin'. But you need to remember: It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be. It never troubles the wolf."

"Somethin's out there, Dreamers. Nora can feel it. Pullin' at her waters like the moon pulls the tides. Somethin' big, an' somethin' old. It knows us. What will it say, I wonder, the day it steps up to our door and knocks?"

"We're out of the night and into the dawn. Still hangin' on in a System on fire, thanks to the good work of people like the Tenno. That's a thank-you, from Nora to you. Wherever you are."

(personal)

"Do you feel the next world press close, on these late nights, Dreamers? Nora does. She feels the presence of those she lost, the great and the good. Gods and ghosts. We are watched – bet on it – by those who dwell in the direction we cannot point to."

"Flattery, flattery charges my battery. Some people ask where they can send me gifts. Some want to take me out to dinner. One lonesome ol' Rail agent even asked Nora to marry him. Nora ain't the marryin' kind, but thank you. Was in love once. With a man. Face of an angel, morals of a chainsaw. We all have a type, don't we? Against which we must be forever on guard. But damn, he looked good in a suit."

"Dreamers, it's on these long and quiet nights I ask myself: How could I do more, and do it better? And then, something I read a long time ago whispers in my ear: 'All human activities are equivalent and all are on principle doomed to failure. Thus it amounts to the same thing whether one gets drunk alone or is a leader of nations.' And, Dreamers, I pour myself a drink."

"People ask me if it gets lonely out here. I say, lonely? Naw. I got all the company I need. I got you, sweet things. Ain't nothin' for Nora in the real world, 'cept trouble. Trouble, and a few yahoos she could box for a century without a tea break."

Opening Nightwave

"Now, just in case some of you ain't doin' all this outta the kindness of your hearts…."

"Nora's got the goods for one lucky Dreamer. Who's it gonna be?"

"Now, y'might be wonderin' if I'm holdin' back on y'all. Hmm, Dreamers…."

"Nora is all about incentivisin'."

"Who have we got on the line? Oh yeah, I don't have a line."

"Always a pleasure."

"What's on your mind, Dreamers?"

"It's that time again, Dreamers."

"Welcome."

"Shall we?"

"Hey."

(upon viewing Episode 1 of a series) "Greed. Brutality. Oppression. True stories, all, and the System is full of them. Dreamers? You listening? The System needs you performing your good deeds for the day. Nora needs it. Needs you to act. To change things. Hear the news, Dreamers. Hear it, or be it. Your call. Because in Nora's System, no good act goes unrewarded. This is Nora Night. You're listening to Nightwave."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 1, variant) "Well well, looks like things are kickin' off."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 1, variant) "And we are away."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 1, variant) "Nora wants to reach out to all of you and say: welcome to the family."

(when the Tenno advances in rank, variant) "Nora sleeps better knowing her Dreamers are out there, workin' to lift us up."

(when the Tenno advances in rank, variant) "Don't stop believin', Dreamers."

(when the Tenno advances in rank, variant) "You keep bein' you, Dreamers."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 15, variant) "We got as many miles behind us as we do before us, but, Dreamers, we got this."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 15, variant) "Sometimes the end never seems further than when you're halfway there. But I'm here to tell you all that you got this thing beat."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 30, variant) "Some are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. The rest of us, we just have to work at it. You all know who you are."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 30, variant) "Never doubt yourselves, Dreamers. This System's up for grabs, and we are comin' for it with both hands, yes we are."

(when the Tenno reaches Rank 30, variant) "Ain't no stoppin' someone who knows their worth. Nora's feelin' good about the state of things tonight, yes she is."

Exiting Nightwave

"Let's get back to it."

"Til then."

"Ta ta, lovelies."

"It's time for Nora to say goodnight."

"You know it."

"Let's check what's next."

"And we're out."

"That's all we have time for."

"Comin' up next."

"That's all from me."

"Yeah."

Completing Act

"Ladies and gentlemen, listeners of all ages, I present to you, walking amongst us, the once and future badass!"

"Dreamers, I have for you a tale of triumph over adversity. Of one person actin' true to their truest self."

"Word's comin' in of so many of you bein' your best selves. Nora is just beside herself with admiration."

"Things seem tough, Nora knows, but believe: though it's going outta style, there are people workin' to make this System a better place."

"Dreamers, Dreamers, Dreamers! There just is no holding you back!"

"Get comfy, Dreamers; one of our own believes they are the equal of our foe and, baby, they are actin' like it."

"You wanna hit those high notes, you gotta mean it."

"If it's useful, do it."

"Any y'all see the feeds light up? It's goin' down, kids."

"Well, well, well. Looks like some serious crud is going down out there. Here's to you, anonymous troublemaker."

"From little things big things grow, Dreamers. I believe in you all."

"Many things have been taken from us, it's true. But Fortune favours the bold… and there ain't none so bold as people with nothin' to lose.

"You're making waves, Dreamers. I can feel it."

Nightwave series

Series 1: The Wolf of Saturn Six (27 Feb 2019 – 19 May 2019)

Intermission (12 June 2019 – 05 July 2019)

Series 2: The Emissary (06 July 2019 – current)

[Navigation: Hub → Dialogue → Nora Night]

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #178

“for such a little thing, you sure are in your own way.”

What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls are actual deities. What was on the last sandwich you ate? Pb & j. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? Same stuff I listen to now, although I had a mild screamo-ish phase. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? Some cheap dollar store in the town, dunno names. What is your favorite Thai dish? Haven't tried any. When was the last time you made out with somebody? Over a month back. What month of the year was your mother born? August. Are there any candles in your bedroom, and what scent are they? No. What TV show(s) have you been watching currently? None. How many apps do you have on your phone? Six. My phone has so, so little storage ugh. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No to both. Are there any movies you’ve seen so many times? Yeah, sure. Of course a lot as a kid, Finding Nemo and The Lion King 1 & 2 especially, then I've watched both Blair Witch Project movies a lot, Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas... How would you describe your sense of humor? Sarcastic. What’s your favorite type of bread? Pumpernickel. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yeah. Have there ever been any brushfires/wildfires in your area? Yeah. What did you have to eat for dinner last night? Nothing (Thanksgiving was lunch). Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. Do you know your significant other’s passwords? No, I have no reason to. Would you like to study abroad one day? No. Does someone have a crush on you but you don’t feel the same way? Idk. Who do you feel most beautiful around? Sara. /v\ What’s one makeup item you cannot live without? I could easily live without any. Is there one thing all of your ex’s had in common? All guys. Did you french kiss before you were 16? No. Imagine your spouse just died; would you get re-married? I don't know if I would. Like... I'd never stop loving her, so "moving on" to someone else just because she's no longer physically here would feel disloyal. What’s your favorite thing about life? New, fun experiences and creating strong bonds with people like you. Who pays for the first date? Idrc, but probably whoever proposed the date? Or split the bill? Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf, and then completely ignored you? Yeah. Do you play any computer games, if so, what ones? Not currently 'cuz my gaming laptop has to be fixed. :| When it is and I have my own income, I might return to WoW, but I'm not sure. I think the subscription is kinda high, and I have more important things to handle. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Idk why I find White Chicks so goddamn funny. What lyric means the most to you? Off the very top of my head, "A bloody war behind my eyes; I'll come all right on the other side" from "Free" by Mother Mother. Really makes me think of all I've been through but how I keep coming out stronger. Who is the smartest person you know? Girt. What’s the next movie you will see in theaters? Idk. Are you adopted? No. What band do you like that most people hate? You canNOT look me in the face and say you don't like at least one Nickelback song. I don't get the hate. Any new bands that you actually enjoy? Oh idk. What is your escape from reality? RPing. Do you have any self-inflicted scars on your arms? You can only just barely see them. Do you like “scene” hair? YEAH AND I ALWAYS FUCKING WANTED IT BUT I COULD NEVER POSE IT CORRECTLY 'CUZ MY HAIR WAS TOO THICK AND HEAVY. Have your parents ever been to jail? No. If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Definitely not. Does it scare you when a relationship moves too fast? Y E A H Would you ever consider hitchhiking? I don't know if I would even in a desperate situation... I don't trust people. Have you ever hitchhiked? No. Have you ever been to a music festival? No. What color car do you want to have? Burnt orange. Would you rather hike a mountain or explore a cave? Explore a cave!!! Would you rather wear a flower crown or veil? Probably a veil? Do you believe peace on earth is attainable? I honestly don't believe so. What type of tattoo do you want? s o  m a n y What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Would you ever live in the desert? Nooooo. Fuck the heat. Is your town beautiful? I don't really live in one, but the closest town isn't. Which season do you want to get married in? Autumn. Are totem poles cool? YEAH! Favorite art forms? Conceptual photography. What kind of music do you enjoy? Plenty sorts of metal, rock, and alternative. Do you have any gay friends? Yeah. Where is your favorite place to go? The zoo, even though I have mixed feelings about them... Do you know your dad? Yeah. How often do you get on Facebook? At least once a day. Are you related to anyone who’s in prison? Don't think so?? What concerts are you attending in the near future? Y'ALL I MIGHT FUCKING SEE OZZY IN JANUARY. He and Megadeth are coming to Charlotte and the tickets aren't too bad. :') It's a loooong drive but Mom was like "hell yeah" when I told her and wants to buy tickets after she gets her tax return AH. Metallica is a possibility too, but Mom doesn't think she can afford it. If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first? Dad's. What are you currently looking forward to? Sara's b-day, Christmas, hopefully getting my laptop fixed, aforementioned concerts, and school. What was the reason you got grounded for last? Idk, that was a long time ago. But most likely for "talking back" to Mom. The last two people you kissed, are they virgins? Yes; probably not. Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly everything about you? Yeah. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? A bit to the left. If you could have anything delivered to your doorstep each morning, what would it be? Um,,, money?????? What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. Heard from my sister it's a shithole with the craziest and rudest people known to Planet Earth. I'm not big on cities, anyway. Which animated character is your all-time favorite? Uhhhhhh... Dory, maybe? If you could own a home on the shore of any body of water in the world, which waterfront would you choose? I WANT THE PINK BEACHES OF THE BAHAMAS. But I'm scared of the Bermuda Triangle so will probably never see them. :'''''') What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? MY RECOVERY. If I got through what I have, I can't ever give up and roll back down that hill. I'm focusing to always improve. If you could have any round object in the world, what spherical item would you want? t h e  g a m e s p h e r e ,  l a d s If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? Practice eyes or start a poem. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Hmmm... OH, maybe a big cat's tongue licking meat. See how it actually shears tiny bits off. Cats' tongues are cool. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Take my anxiety med at the right time. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? Oh jeez, I'd have to think too hard on this. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? Not to my knowledge, and I doubt they would've. Do you have any relatives who live on a different continent than you? I don't believe so. What are your religious beliefs? Were you raised with those beliefs, or did you develop them on your own? I'm a theist, entailing I believe in a creator, but I know nothing about him/her/it. I personally picture them as a peaceful and sage deity that allows life to go on without it intervening anywhere, letting the world evolve on its own and see how we adapt to our unique settings and handle life. In the end, I believe we are either given some form of paradise or a type of damnation depending on how you wrote your story. I like to imagine the good go to their personal vision of "Heaven," and I wonder if the paranormal activity some experience in life are the acts of the damned, apparently confined to remain on Earth or something. Anyway, I wasn't raised with such beliefs; they were developed. I was brought up Catholic, then I turned to just simple Christianity as I didn't agree with a lot of Catholic ideas, and most recently I abruptly turned away from that in favor of theism. How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We went out for breakfast. What has been your favorite house/apartment/etc you’ve ever lived in? My last house for location, as a house itself, my childhood one. What’s something in your house that currently needs to be cleaned? I need to vacuum my room. Do you still remember any of the dreams or nightmares you had as a child? Yup. What’s the most bizarre conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of? The world is donut-shaped. Yeah. Do you have a good sense of direction? Not. At. All. Who was your first crush? Did you ever actually date them? Dylan, and no. What’s the weirdest, rudest, or most ridiculous thing a guest has ever done in your home? Who knows. Has anyone ever told you you’re manipulative? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who owns their own business? No. When was the last time you weren’t 100% sober? Uhhh maybe that movie night with Colleen and Chelsea. Is obtaining a college degree something that is important to you? Well, for my possible career future. Have you ever eaten at a vegan restaurant? No. Do you view substance abuse as a disease or a choice? I have... mixed feelings here. Starting something, that is indisputably a choice. Becoming addicted though, I'm not sure. Some people have addictive personalities so have a bigger inclination to become addicted, but isn't that just a personal trait/weakness you can fight?? I dunno. I know it's labelled as a disease by people way more informed than me though, so. What does the last text you sent say? Don't feel like checking. Does it bother you when people call you ‘ma'am’ or ‘sir?’ No. I live in the South, that's polite. Have you ever been obsessed with a television character? Does Dory count for movies? ha ha Do you ever wish you had powers of invisibility? Not really. What was the last thing that changed your life completely? Recovery. Do you have any step siblings? One. Have you ever been questioned by the police? No. In which state/country were you born? NC, U.S.A. Have you ever been to an amusement park out of state? Disney World. What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant? Coke or Mountain Dew. Have the police ever been looking for you? Not because I did something wrong; I've told the beach story a few times. If you chew gum, which kind is your favorite? I love the watermelon Hubba Bubba one asjfawoeu Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What was the last liquid that you choked on? Water, just this morning when I was taking my meds ah. How many times did you wake up today before actually getting up? Well, I woke up once in the middle of the night like usual, then I woke up at like, 6-something and went back to sleep. Who did you celebrate your last birthday with? Mom, sises, Ash's husband and kids, and Dad stopped by. Was your last kiss initiated by you or the other person? I think it was kinda a simultaneous thing. We were saying bye. Do you buy a ton of things at the store at once or just for that day? Mom does the shopping, but it depends on how much time she has and what's at the house. When getting dressed do you put your pants or shirt on first? Pants. When you kiss a person where do your hands usually go? I actually don't know if it's a consistent thing for me??? I don't kiss anyone regularly so I don't recognize a pattern. What is one song you listen to that you’re sure not many people do? "False Flags," probs. Massive Attack is so neglected of the attention they deserve. Do you use a handrail on stairs if there is one? Yes, I'm scared of tripping. What was the last thing you saw that made you smile? Teddy came right up into my face wanting attention. What is your favorite drinking game? Never played any. Do you have any tattoos that you don’t like anymore? I think I've mentioned why I don't love my "ohana" one now. I'm getting it covered at some point. My "perfectly flawed" one is probably getting covered by a much bigger piece; I picked a bad location for it to want a sleeve. I'd just maybe redesign it, put if somewhere else. Do you have a shower curtain or door? Curtain. Who was the last person from your high school graduating class you saw? Probs Colleen? Who was the last non-relative you hung out with? Sara. Are you listening to anything right now? I'm way too obsessed with "Black Wedding" by In This Moment (feat. Rob Halford). Rob makes it, and the chorus is awesome. How many keys are on your keychain? One. Who was the last person you took a photograph with? Ryder, my nephew. Are you left handed? No. What were you most scared of when you were little? Losing my mom/being separated from her. Are you biracial? No. When was the last time you painted your nails? What color(s)? I couldn't even guess. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Thank fuck no. Have you ever overflown a bathtub? Don't think so. What’s at the top of your to-do list in life? Stay positive, never stop aiming to improve. What was the last thing you shared? Well, Thanksgiving food. Where are you most ticklish? Feet. Do not- Which cartoon character do you want to keep as a pet? Uhhhh how 'bout an Espeon. I imagine them to be calm and silently affectionate like cats and very intelligent. Have you ever considered a career in music/acting? No. When was the last time you felt seriously embarrassed? Getting food yesterday. Per usual, let things die down, but I still ended up crammed in a corner, unable to go in any direction while someone was trying to get past me. I was headed for an anxiety attack and felt like a total nuisance. I'm pretty sure it showed in how I was whipping my head around, shuffling in various directions, clearly wanting the fuck out. Have you ever liked a song, looked up the lyrics to it, then hated it? No, lyrics can't ruin a song I like the sound of. What would be the icing on the cake for you this Christmas? A PS4, omg. I have to get my laptop fixed and a new camera, so I highly doubt I'm getting that or a tablet considering cost. I want to play the Spyro Reignited trilogy beyond words, like I refuse to even watch a let's play because I want to experience it all first-hand, but. Yeah, unlikely anytime soon. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? Noooooo. Do you like quesadillas? Only chicken and/or cheese ones. Did you like the show Invader Zim? I surprisingly never saw it. What’s the greatest/most influential song you’ve ever heard? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy always makes me wanna get off my ass and do something. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in a grocery store? A HUGE BOX OF ANIMAL HEADS IN THE MIDDLE OF WAL-MART, BECKONING THE FURRIES INTO ITS DEPTHS. Have you ever bought yourself a present on Christmas? No. Well, I've used money I've been given on Christmas, if that counts. Have you ever been on a mechanical bull? No. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. Have you ever stepped in chewing gum? Yes. Name all the people you know that you’ve seen today. Just Mom.