#y'all I literally came to Tumblr to avoid Facebook

[the-kirbe-anon]

Why do the hate anons want me to go to Facebook?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #242

“i don’t miss you, i miss the misery.”

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Hm... three or four? Any other names your parents planned to give you? The only one I *think* I remember is Katelyn. Thank fuck I dodged that bullet. Which is the most beautiful place you know? The mountains between NC and TN, if I remember correctly. I was very young. What do you work with? I don't work period & I hate it. Have you ever hit an animal with your car? Thank Christ no. Favorite ride at the amusement park? I guess ferris wheels. Favorite beauty essential in your bathroom cabinet? I don't have a "favorite" considering I don't use any regularly. Do you have many followers on your Tumblr? Nah. Do you tan easily? I burn like toast, man. Are you expecting something in the mail? No. Do you inspire others? Idk. What do you collect? Meerkat stuff and Silent Hill merch. Do you like cats? Hell yes!!! Are you healthy? If you excuse my weight and muscle atrophy, I'm actually pretty healthy, according to a billion tests I've gotten done when trying to discover *why* I had such awful pain in my legs. Have you ever been out of state? Yeah. Can you always blame your acts on that you were just too drunk? Fuck no. Three things you try to avoid as much as possible: Well dying lmao, getting hurt, public speaking. How many times have you been overseas? Zero. Do you use to have someone in mind when shopping for underwear? Wait what the fuck- What accent do you have? I don't really have one, although I do have a southern tone with some words sometimes I suppose. I also do say things like "y'all" or "fixing to (do something)," so I use some Southern terminology. Where would you like to live? The mountains of western NC. Sigh. Do you follow fashion? No. Do you have a big butt? Ever heard of Hank Hill Ass Syndrome? I have Hank Hill Ass Syndrome. Your worst job nightmare is: Customer service EVER again. Who’s the coolest rapper in the world? Idk and idc. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? I mean yeah, I think anniversaries are worth celebration. Healthy relationships aren't always easy to maintain; to remain in love takes forgiveness, loyalty, dedication... all that. It shouldn't be hard, but it takes effort. Have you graduated? High school, anyway. Rihanna or Lady Gaga? Lady Gaga, definitely. Do you use fake eyelashes? No. What’s your worst interior design nightmare: I dunno. Probably just being very crammed? What makeup brands do you use? I don't have any particular ones; I don't wear makeup enough. What’s the worst kind of rejection you could give someone? I genuinely feel it to be how Jason did so with me. Three and a half years in a very serious relationship, and he out of the blue breaks up with me over Facebook because my depression became "too much." Like by NOW I understand I can't shame him for wanting to be happy, but the way he did it was fucking cruel and tore me apart. Like especially when this person was your refuge from daily pain and pretty much your god and future (never make someone that, holy holy HOLY shit don't), that individual just suddenly having enough and breaking contact off like that was emotional murder. Do you have a crush on someone right now? Well yeah, but it's like... a "tamed" one? Is that an accurate word? Like I understand it just can't work right now, but it doesn't stop me from liking her. Is there anyone that many people think is hot, but you don’t? I'm sure there's someone. Do you sort and organize your clothes in some kind of way? Sorta. When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? Nervous, skittish, more awkward than usual. Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? Brendon Urie is in P!atD and Patrick Stump is in Fall Out Boy. Freddie Mercury was the vocalist of Queen. Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? Yeah, Mom still has some up lmao. How often do you wear chapstick? Only when my lips are actually chapped. Do you walk around your house with your shoes on or do you take them off? Definitely off. What is the weirdest obsession you’ve ever had? Collecting stickers, maybe? How many of the seven deadly sins have you fulfilled today? Sloth is on the daily lmao, gluttony, and lust. Should guys always kiss the girl on a first date? Not always, of course not. It depends on the comfort level, and I would ALWAYS ask first. Which band has the corniest music videos? Corniest lyrics? I don't really watch music videos, and idk about lyrics. What subject is/was hardest for you in school? Math. Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? No. Do you ever use Pandora? No. Are you better with creative writing or writing essays? I think I'm good at both, but I probably excel in creative writing. When was the last time you were rick rolled? No clue. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever seen as a pet? Seen, I guess a chinchilla, though that's not really "weird." If you had to change one, would you rather change your hair or your eyes? Eyes. When was the last time you had a ‘she-mergency’? I had to look this up to be certain what that even was lmao. Probably some time I started my period at school and had to use folded toilet paper or something for a while. Which sounds creepier: sleeping in the attic or the basement? I'd say it depends on the make-up of each and its cleanliness. What was your favorite computer game as a kid? I think it was called The Amazon Trail 3? It was a damaged disc however, so it froze a lot. I think I only finished it once or twice; even knowing it would likely crash, I just liked playing it as far as I could. Have you ever tried on your mom’s wedding ring? No. Any shows on TV that you flat out refuse to start watching? 13 Reasons Why, to name perhaps the #1. What is your opinion on fruitcake? NO. Here’s a tough one. Would you rather marry your cousin or a dog? Oh fuck off, neither. Who did you last dream about? I can't remember what it was about, but I know Mark was in it lmao. Do you have trouble remembering important things? Sometimes. My memory is atrocious. Which animal can you imitate the best? Audibly? Probably a cat. Which is harder - walking in the snow or sand? Sand. I FUCKING hate walking through sand. It's one reason I don't like the beach. Do you like sour candy? oml YES. If anyone, who did you sit with at lunch today? N/A Have you gotten any injuries lately? If so, what and how? Not anything I can remember. Are you a clumsy person? You have no idea. How about disorganized? I'm oddly split down the middle. Last male you talked to in person? My dad. Have you ever had a sunburn? Oh boy, I've gotten past that. Try sun poisoning. Are you thinking about asking anyone out? No. Pink lemonade or regular lemonade? PINK! Chocolate or strawberry milk? Oh boy, chocolate. I tried strawberry as a child and absolutely loathed it beyond words known to man, and I will not be giving it a second chance. I remember it pristinely. Disgusting. What volume is the ringer on your phone? It's on vibrate. Have you ever won a contest on the radio? No. Do you often write on yourself? I never do, 'less we're talking about tattoos lol. Is there writing on the shirt you are currently wearing? No. Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? I hate the latter, so I guess frosted flakes, though I don't really remember how they taste. Do mushrooms really add flavor to food? I hate them, so they obviously have enough flavor for me to notice them... What about onions? Yes. Are you a fan of Thai food? I've actually never had Thai food. How about Indian food? Same as above. Have you ever tried sushi? No. In your opinion, who would be the best president? I don't know. What was the last thing you spent more than $20 on? I have no ide- oh wait I paid for Teddy's surgery with... money I don't know from whence it came? Was it financial aid money? Idr. Do you wear actual designated ‘pajamas’ to bed? Pj pants and a tank top. When was the last time you were tempted to do something you’d later regret? Probably take a nap late in the day, ending in me being unable to sleep well at night. Thankfully, I decided against it. Have you ever had feelings for your best friend’s significant other? Yes. Well, not current best friend, but a former one. How many times did you ride in a car today? Zero. Are you comfortable in your own skin? Fuck no. What's absolutely splendid is even when/if I lose the weight I aim to, I'm going to have loose skin that literally might make me hate my body more until I without argument muster up the money to get it surgically removed. Are you in a good mood right now? I'm alright. When was the last time you had an ice cream cone? Been quite a while. Did you eat breakfast this morning? Yeah, had some cereal. Have you ever been in a cemetery at midnight? No. Do you live on your own? No. I don't even think I could tolerate living alone because of my depression and how loneliness can severely trigger it. I'm realistically probably not moving out until it'll be with an s/o. If not, who do you live with? I live with my mom, my sister's dog, and my cat and snake. How old are your siblings, if you have any? I have a lot, and I don't know the ages of all of them, only my two immediate sisters: 26 and 21. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you donated blood in the last 2 years? No. What was the last free t-shirt you received from? School. Is there anything you are looking forward to at the moment? February 4th, baby. Tattoo gets fixed up by an artist I like far more. Him not having an open booking until then should say enough. Are you an atheist? No. Are you Asian? No. Are you fluent in another language? No. Are you in the military? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Are you an artist? Not professional, but I enjoy making art. Are you a musician? No. Are you an athlete? Oh, hunny- Do you have a favorite flower? I really like orchids. Where was the last place you went that was more than an hour away? Great question... The trip to my therapist is about an hour, but not over. Why were you going there? For therapy. Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Probably Mom, idk. Have you ever been to a nude beach? Hell no, I wouldn't even if I was in great shape. How many websites do you have an account for? WHEW I have no idea, A LOT over all the years. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Well, WoW is an online game, so a subscription, though because I obviously don't have my own money, I'm sadly rich enough in the game to use monthly tokens. Do you try clothes on before you buy them? Not always. I try to avoid it because I just hate doing it. What would you do if you knew a robber was in your house? Well I obviously don't know how I'd react on impulse, but I'd imagine myself locking my door and then climbing out the window. Then run like a motherfucker up the road some to a neighbor's, or hide in the nearby woods and call Mom. What’s your favorite type of pizza? Meat lovers sobs in wannabe-vegetarian. Have you ever been afraid of falling in love? Yes, very. Who’d you last see in a tux? I don't know. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No. Do you have difficulty pronouncing any words? Yeah, particularly "breakfast." I tend to put a "t" after the "k." Do you have your own computer? Yeah. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mom. Who’s the bravest person you know? Oh man, that's hard. I know a lot of brave people. Who would you want to have your back if things got tough? More than anyone in the world, Mom. Have your friends ever given you answers to homework, last minute? Yeah. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No. Have you ever done something terrible, but took forever to feel bad? By this point in time, I consider how I spoke to Jason before going to the ER multiple times absolutely terrible, and yes, it did take a very long time for me to realize just how cruel it was. Now it's fucking HARD to accept I ever said what I did. Have you ever read Shakespeare? Yes. Can anyone really change anyone that doesn’t wanna change? Nope. Do you think that anyone currently has a crush on you? I would assume Sara still does, but again, we know a relationship between us just isn't wise right now. What profession do you admire the most? The most? Man, that's hard to decide. Probably those that risk their lives for others, like firefighters, cops (yes, I am aware some abuse their power, but good cops deserve all the respect in the world), etc. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? I don't believe so, no. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve ever had to learn? Bad things happen to good people and no, the universe does not care. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Well obviously.

[the-invisible-queer]

OHMYFUCKINGGODDDDD

Okay so idk if I've ever spoken about Fucker on Tumblr but I'm gonna give you some back story.

Fucker is what my mom calls any of us when she's moderately annoyed with us. But for me Fucker is one single person.

Fucker is a guy I met during my time at my first college. I fell absolutely positively in love with him in the most toxic and unhealtiest ways.

He did not reciprocate, but my heart was like 😍😍😍😍😍 everytime this guy was around.

It was so bad. I dreamt about a future with him. I was obsessed. Yes, OBSESSED. In a creepy BIG YIKES way.

Looking back it was one of the two darkest periods of my life. Let me explain why.

The 😍 turned into full on anxiety whenever I was around him. Like I could not fucking function

My theater director - we were all theater kids - wasn't shocked that I liked Fucker because everyone who was attracted to men found him attractive. Let's call the theater director, Momma F. Because he deemed himself out mother.

Momma F suggested that I tell Fucker how I feel, right. The worst that can happen is he doesn't reciprocate and I move on. Which isn't bad.

SO FAST FOWARD to my 2nd to last show with my peeps. During a break in rehearsals I asked Fucker of we could talk one on one. And he was chill like "yah. Sure.

Keep in mind my parents were like DON'T TELL HIM SHIT BECAUSE HE COULD USE IT AGAINST YOU

And like how? To get in my pants? I wanted it so it wouldn't have been terrible. I deserved a heartbreak at that point for all my sins anyway.

BACK TO THE STORY

I talked to him and was like "hey so I really like you and if you feel the same way GREAT, if not can we be friends" and he looked so wounded and was like "are we not friends?"

LIKE NO SIR WE ARE COLLEAGUES/PEERS/AQUAINTANCES

And then we somewhat became friends but then he turned out to be a bit if a clueless asshole and my crush didn't go away.

So I tried turning my crush into resentment thinking it would destroy my feelings. It didnt.

NOW fast forward to the first time I visit the school to see a show and see my friends.

I deliberately ignored him to his face. Said hi to everyone I knew except him and it pissed him off. My former roommate who was also a theater kid found that shit HILARIOUS!

Then we were in the theater waiting on Momma F to arrive and Fucker literally yells "[MY REAL NAME]" to get my attention and everyone is looking at him then at me. I look at him, alarmed and I'm like "WHAT?" And he waves and says "hi" very obnoxiously and I just gave him the most unenthusiastic no ever and he looks disappointed but goes back to what he was doing. That is what earned him the definitive title of Fucker.

During the same visit, I'm in my friends' dorm suite. They're all in classes so I'm there alone and Fucker knocks on the door and comes in - they never locked the door - and he says hi to me. Asks where everyone is and asks if he can sit with me because he doesn't want to be alone.

Turns out a few days before I got to the college, his girlfriend cracked her head pretty hard and got a concussion and he was freaking out.

However, being alone one on one with him gave me so much fucking anxiety that as soon as someone came back I left to go to another friend's dorm.

This other friend let me vent and told me if I want I can stay in her room to avoid Fucker because he never stopped by her dorm.

I thanked her, but my shit was back at the suite.

I visited my friends a few more times but there's nothing much to tell y'all. I avoided Fucker as much as I could.

The last time I saw him, I apologized for avoiding him and tried to make peace ONLY BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK and felt bad. He was like "its cool" and it seemed like we were going to be actual friends.

Didn't happen.

That was the LAST time I saw and spoke to him. I unfriendly him on Facebook, unfollowed him on Instagram.

My two best friends ended up hating him and finding him annoying and other than when he occasionally likes my edits on Instagram, he does not exist in my social bubble.

WHY AM I TELO YOU ABOUT HIM?

Because I saw a guy that reminded me of him and I got really badly triggered - hence the "OHMYFUCKINGGODDDDD" at the beginning of the post.

This has continued to happen. Everytime I see anyone that reminds me of him, I get anxious and I hate it.

I thought I moved on. BUT SEEMS I HAVEN'T

Gonna go dig myself a hole and die.

[cinniharpy]

It’s 2AM. Almost. Come along and listen to old lady Amanda go on about some random shit. Maybe you too can offer your thoughts.

Tonight’s topic: introverts and extroverts. More specifically, why I classify myself as an extrovert while most would call me an introvert.

I am PAINFULLY, awkwardly shy irl. At least, if you haven’t reached friendship level 175 with me. And if you have reached that level, let me just say, I am sorry. You get the full Amanda in all her farty glory.

But if you aren’t at that level, you’re gonna see zero personality Amanda. Which is like… I dunno, all that’s coming to mind right now is Normal SpongeBob from that one episode. So. Like that. Only quieter and avoids eye contact and does the least amount of interaction possible. If you’d met her and were told you immediately had to place her within the binary of introvert/extrovert, you’d say introvert with no hesitation.

And YET.

When I was in college, I went to one of the counselors they had on campus on a whim. I was having a lot of social anxiety and decided to see if this would help at all. I don’t remember exactly how the topic came up or even most of what was said anymore, but the counselor brought up the definition of introvert/extrovert in a way I hadn’t heard it described before. She said that introverts are drained by social interaction and must recoup by being solitary, while extroverts are drained by being solitary and get energy from social interaction.

I weighed this against what I knew of myself. I thought of how I’d organize events on Facebook for trips to the movies and such. How I thrived off living in a dorm where there was always, always people around. How I desperately wanted to connect with more people, I just couldn’t get over my fears enough to do it.

I told her that with that definition in mind, I was clearly an extrovert. I must have frowned or something, because she asked me why I looked disappointed with that. It wasn’t so much that I was disappointed, but I suddenly had to redefine the way I thought of myself. But the most surprising thing about it was that this felt like it made more sense.

And whaddya know, my roommates were in a psychology class not long after, bringing home stuff from class, and I took that Myers-Briggs thing for the first time. And every time I’ve taken it I get an E. Usually ENFP.

So it was like, cool. Information I guess. As long as you believe the whole introvert/extrovert and Myers-Briggs things are valid. Which I know is debatable for some.

But I still don’t know if I know what to do with that information or if it even matters. Because, even with learning that and coming to think of myself as an extrovert I didn’t change in the ways I wanted. If anything, as time went on and I left college, I became more withdrawn.

Which was frustrating. I still think of myself as an extrovert. I could never live alone, as I’d definitely become too depressed. I like having people around, even if I’m not interacting with them. Just having other people in the same house makes me feel more secure, I work better, and overall I’m happier. I get very hype from hanging out with people and interacting with people outside the norm. Like, my roommates and I will go hang out with some other friends for a while and I’ll be so jazzed that I’ll have trouble sleeping.

But I never accomplished my goal. Which was to basically merge the two versions of me that there seemed to be: The quiet, shy, zero personality Amanda, and the other Amanda who was more of a stereotypical extrovert around those who’d achieved the required friendship level.

Because I like level 175 Amanda better; most people seem to. She feels more like ���the real me.” I mean, to be honest, you guys here get a better glimpse of her than a lot of people I talk to irl. It’s easier online. But that social anxiety… And, well, just anxiety in general. It’s impossible sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like level 175 Amanda is underneath the surface of zero personality Amanda and she’s banging on the walls begging to come out. But zero personality is a tough shell to crack. And the doubts that hold that shell together are a glue I’ve yet to be able to dissolve. I hate zero personality and yet she’s my shield against the world.

And honestly? One of the worst things about that struggle is when I do meet people who know me from my online presence at conventions. Because internally I’m so excited and happy that they’d come find me and I want to talk to them and be friendly… but I worry I come off as cold. Because inside me I’m wrestling with what I always deal with in talking to people: I want so desperately to make a connection, but I don’t know how.

And that’s why my shyness is painful. Anxiety has settled in my chest like a parasite and it feels like its claws are too deep in to remove. So I’m left with this feeling of “I like the people, I just don’t know how to be a people.” And emotionally, it hurts. It’s a gap I can’t bridge and a distance that’s always kept. It can feel like a literal barrier between me and other people.

So it’s easy to understand why other people would classify me as an introvert. But I still think of myself as an extrovert. Maybe I’m not a stereotypical one externally. But what you’re not seeing is level 175 hidden away yelling BUILT THIS CITY at the top of her lungs.

Or, you know, maybe it’s all just bullshit anyway and none of us are really either an extrovert or introvert, but hey! If classifying ourselves makes it all easier to understand then maybe the bullshit is ok.

It’s now nearly 3AM. Meaning the time for over analyzing ourselves is over and we must mindlessly scroll through Tumblr till falling asleep.

Y'all today’s question of the middle night is: do you feel like you fit perfectly into either extrovert or introvert?