#y’all look at the car my neighbors have for sale

[rat-hand]

[lauralot89]

I guess it’s time to tell y’all the saga of Basketball Woman

(no, she does not look like Anne Ramsey in the movie where Kristy Swanson explodes her head with a basketball but feel free to picture that if you want)

ever since I moved into this house I’ve had weird neighbor encounters, made all the more bizarre because @penroseparticle lived on my same street for ages and never experienced any of this, but I guess I attract the weirdness like I attract cats

anyway most of my bizarre neighbor encounters have been kind of funny in a way, like the lovely elderly couple who moved in next door except that one day and without ever seeing a for sale sign they were gone and three to four women were there instead and I kind of but not really wondered if they’d abducted/murdered the old people, especially as they kept going into the woods at night with shovels and tarps

but Basketball Woman is not that

my first encounter with Basketball Woman was secondhand and happened when @penroseparticle was visiting last month.  he said that earlier in the day some kids had been playing basketball and there was this woman screaming at them to go away.  i thought that was odd, but figured maybe some lady was just having a shit day and decided to take it out on some rowdy kids, it’s not great but it happens

roughly one month later, I was driving home and I saw some of the Local Youth shooting baskets and after parking in my garage I approached them because I had an arrangement where the Local Youth had offered to mow my lawn for money and I agreed because fuck indiana summers but the last week all the Local Youth had been missing and I wanted to check and see if they still mowed lawns

and as soon as I got out of the car I heard the screaming and remembered the woman @penroseparticle mentioned

she was full-on screaming at these kids to get away

to explain the setup here, the house next door to basketball woman has a basketball goal in their yard, sort of at the edge of the properties, facing the street, and kids stand in the road when there aren’t cars (there usually aren’t) and play basketball

she was screaming at the kids to stay out of her yard

they were not in the yard

they were in the street

I guess maybe if they missed the goal it could have gone in her yard but that didn’t happen in the entire time I was outside

the Local Youth were openly mocking her which makes sense because they’re preteen boys and no children respect adults who don’t respect them, but especially not preteen boys

I did not actually see Basketball Woman at this point because I pointedly did not look that way, like, this is none of my business, if she wants to lose her voice with impotent screaming who am I to intercede

but she was screaming the entire time I was outside and when I got home I left my door open and she screamed for a further ten minutes, like how do you not get tired

all I could think was why would she not just complain to their parents if they really were all up in her yard, when has yelling at preteen boys who aren’t even your kids ever accomplished anything

four days later, my uncle had died and I didn’t know when I’d be home and when I wouldn’t for the rest of the week because arrangements were still being made, so I saw the Local Youth outside and decide to pay them in advance for their services.  they were jumping around in an inflatable pool like it was an actual pool and managed to put a hole in it during the minute I was in the yard.

On the way back to my house  I passed the house with the basketball goal, and the mother at that house was out in her yard with her kids, having a heated argument with Basketball Woman, who was sitting on her own porch.  All I really made out was the mother telling Basketball Woman “I will not, and I’d love to see you try to make me” and then I went back inside because I didn’t want to just stand around spying on the neighbors.  

but I did actually see Basketball Woman this time

she appears to be in her fifties or sixties, and I was thinking from her voice that maybe she was older than that and had dementia, and while it’s possible to develop dementia at those ages, I don’t think it’s as likely, and she seemed fairly well groomed for someone whose dementia would have advanced to the point of screaming at children from her porch all day, but I’m not a doctor

more notably, I saw her house

see, on this street, most of the houses have been here since at least the nineties but the cul-de-sac at the end of the road and a bit of the road leading up to it were empty lots, until the people who built my house in 2018 bought them up and started building houses

Basketball Woman lives in one of those new houses; it’s the same style as my house so it’s easy to tell.  And the family with the basketball goal has been living on this street since before I moved in.  So apparently Basketball Woman, who at this point seems to just hate the sight of children, moved into a house next to a family with multiple children, because what is logic.

that brings us to last night

in the past week, the Local Youth have not actually mowed my lawn, which, I mean it is hot as balls but also it’s hot as balls and I myself only have a reel mower and so mowing takes a while and I’d rather not if I don’t have to or at least I’d like to plan accordingly so I can do it before the sun comes up, and after I made dinner last night I looked outside and the Local Youth were shooting baskets again.

except I didn’t want to be this person who goes outside just to approach children, which I have been doing multiple times now, so I decided to walk up and down the street and just talk to the Local Youth when I passed them, because it was dusk and less hot as balls at this point

while I was approaching, I noticed three things: a) the basketball goal’s net was torn and hanging down, b) the backboard of the goal was leaning forward (it might have been this way for a while and I’m just not observant) and most notably:

c) Basketball Woman was at the edge of her yard, a few feet away from these kids, opening taunting them

she was constantly in motion, but it an unnatural way.  i don’t know how to describe it except to say it reminds me of those commercials for medications that counteract tardive dyskinesia, but I’m not trying to diagnose anything and it’s entirely possible she was just flailing in that way that entitled white women do in those cell phone recordings of them losing their shit on people over nothing

I was openly staring at this point, but I feel that was justified, because this is escalation, right? like she could actually be a danger to these kids, who knows

so I talked to the Local Youth and the whole time she was just keeping up her nonsense, and I continued walking down the street, listening as long as I was in earshot

then when I reached the end of the street I turned around and started back and

well

the mom and all her kids had come outside again, I guess seeing that Basketball Woman was really close to the goal and fearing for the Local Youth like I did

except this time the mom and Basketball Woman were like right on top of each other, and yelling back and forth, and I was seriously concerned it could get violent

the mom was shouting things like “You’re wasting your time” and “You’re accomplishing nothing” and Basketball Woman was all “Keep them out of my yard” and one of the Local Youth was like “It wouldn’t even go into your yard if you hadn’t broken the goal” and so on and so forth and I guess Basketball Woman has a grown adult daughter who went no contact with her and the mom somehow knows that because she was taunting Basketball Woman with that after Basketball Woman called her a bad mother, and the mom was saying she had Basketball Woman on tape doing something, and I don’t even know, it was a mess

I again felt guilty for just openly gawking at this, so I walked up to one of the daughters in the driveway and told her that if her mom was planning to call the police about harassment I’d be willing to give a statement because a) Basketball Woman is white, b) the family next door is white, c) the Local Youth are white, and d) this is an escalating series of harassment and with all those things combined I feel like this is a situation where police presence might actually help

and then the daughter hit me with the bombshell that they have called the police about the harassment multiple times, and apparently this has been going on for three years ever since Basketball Woman moved in, and I just hadn’t heard it before now and the police hadn’t done anything, I guess because there’s no law against being a dick on your own property, even though she clearly crossed into their yard multiple times that I saw

according to the daughter Basketball Woman just waits at the window on a daily basis to see when kids come outside, and then she comes out screaming

I didn’t know what to do so I just said I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this, let me know if there’s anything I can do, and then I went back to my house and sat on the porch for about ten more minutes until everyone just sort of wandered back to their houses because I was still worried about physical escalation

so

that is the current situation

I miss when I had fun hypothetical murder neighbors and not actual risk of assault and battery neighbors

I mean the hypothetical murder neighbors are still there, but yeah

[lethal-k]

Mi Corazón (JHS)

Hey all! Amanda here! I think I’m in love with this couple. I usually try not to define my character’s race, ethnicity, or nationality, but I really wanted to base this imagine loosely on my family’s old block parties. Plus, the lack of Hispanic representation within American literature is crazy, but it’s getting better as each day goes by! I just wanted to contribute to that! If you’re interested in me making imagines based on other cultures or anything, feel free to request it, just know that it may not be as rooted as this one, simply because this is my own heritage and I will have to do a lot of research on other cultures before diving in. Anyway, I also wanted an excuse to write an imagine where one of the members has to dance to Latin music because Latin music is so romantic. Hobi just seemed to fit the theme I was going for. Anyway, if you like this imagine please heart it, reblog it, and follow me! I love y’all, stay safe, and borahae <3

Genre: established relationship! au, fluff

Pairing: Hoseok x reader

Word Count: 4.3K

Warnings: swearing, google-translated Spanish, pining and simping, mentions of cartels and gangs, small mentions of immigration, literally one of the most endearing couples I have ever written.

Summary: Y/n takes Hobi to meet her family at one of their famous Miami block parties. 

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  “What if they don’t accept me..” Hobi mutters while you guys search for a parking spot on the street.

  You glance at him, “What do you mean? What is there to not like about you?” You flash him a smile before returning your attention to the street, “This is ridiculous, I’m literally their child, I should get VIP parking for God’s sake.” you mutter while shaking your head. 

  Hoseok chuckles at you, “There’s one,” He points out a spot and you quickly start parking in between the two cars. He sort of deflates in his passenger seat while looking at the street lined with cars and the house that bustled with life. “What if they don’t accept me because I’m Korean? What if they think I’m not good enough for you because I can’t speak Spanish or dance well like you? What if they think my career is too much and that I won’t be able to take care of you?” He expresses his worries out loud. 

  You put the car in park before turning to face him in the seat. Leaning towards him, you grab his chin in your hand and squish his cheeks together. “Don’t worry, mi amor. My family moved into the U.S. from Mexico so they know what it feels like to not fully know a language while surrounded by English-speakers. They won’t judge you.”

  “Bu-” he tried to cut in.

  “Shh,” you shush him and put your finger on his lips, “I taught you different latin dance styles last week and you caught on super quickly. You’re making an effort to learn my language and they already know I can damn well take care of my own self but if they mention anything negative about your career then I will step in and tell them off. Okay? Stop worrying, they will love you.” He sighed and nodded, looking a little nervous. “Good, now let us go.” You give him a quick peck before getting out of the car. 

  Your parents had moved into the U.S. from the dangerous city of Culiacán, Sinaloa in Mexico in 1992. Six years before you were born. They had moved due to the dangers of the infamous Sinaloa cartel. They decided, instead, to settle down in Miami, Florida. Where they had you, your little brother, and your baby brother and sister. The youngest two are twins. You are their oldest child, now at age 22. Your little brother, Pedro, is now 19 and the twins, Miguel and Rosalína, are both 15. All of you grew up in the house that you and your boyfriend of 11 months are walking up to now. 

  Two years ago, you had moved to Seoul, Korea in hopes of reaching your dream to become a fashion designer. You chose South Korea because, well c’mon, Korean fashion is to die for. It also was not as cliche as New York, California, or Paris. A year and some months into living in Seoul, you met Hobi. Of course you knew who he was, but you treated him as any individual, which he took a liking to. Fast forward another month or two and you two started dating and now you are here, walking on your childhood street, up to your childhood home, about to meet your family and childhood friends. Yeah, you could say today was pretty special. 

  You two were walking up when all of a sudden a young woman who seemed to be the same age popped up in front of you both. “Y/n!!” She squealed.

Your smile grew wide and you pulled the girl into a bone-crushing hug, “Ay, Carlita! Cómo has estado?” 

  “Bien, bien.” She smiled back before glancing at your boyfriend, “Who is this?”

  You looked next to you and saw Hobi standing there, hands behind his back, and a shy smile on his face. You held out your hand towards him and he quickly took it, “Carlita, this is my boyfriend, Hoseok. Hobi, this is my childhood best friend, Carlita.”

  She smiled warmly before holding out her hand which he shook, “Hello there! It’s nice to finally meet the mysterious boyfriend.”

  Hobi chuckled and nodded at her, “It’s nice to meet you too.” His accent came out a bit and you smiled at his shy behavior.

  “Would you happen to know where everyone else is?” You asked, sort of wanting to get introductions done and over with so you can party with your boyfriend and family. 

  She shrugged, “I know that Pedro is playing video games with the boys in his room, I have no idea where everyone else is at.” 

  You sighed and shook your head while smirking, “That boy and his video games.”

  Carlita giggled at you before walking off, “Well welcome back home and it was nice to meet you, Hoseok! Maybe we can catch up more later but right now I have to stop Tío Edgardo from skateboarding. Old man claims that he is trying to regain his youth.” she rolls her eyes.

  You laughed at her and nodded. 

  “She seems nice.” Hobi commented in Korean.

  You smiled at him before grabbing his hand, “C’mon, let's go meet my little brother.”

  The two of you walked throughout your home before coming to a door in the hallway. You open it without knocking and low and behold, there is Pedro and a couple of friends playing Mario Kart. From the looks of it, your brother is losing terribly.

  “Pedroo.” You sing out his name in hopes of getting his attention.

  “What is it?” He asks, not looking up from the screen. You scoff at his reaction.

  “What? No, ‘hello sister’, ‘how are you sister’, ‘who is that man with you sister’” You tease.

  He shrugs, “Dude. Mario Kart. Priorities.”

  Your jaw drops and Hobi starts laughing hysterically. “This is what I get after saving your ass from mom and dad for years. The complete and utter disrespect.” You say, mocking offense with your hand on your heart.

  He smirks at your comment but his eyes remain glued to the screen, “Yeah yeah whatever. I’ll talk to you later outside, close the door on your way out.” 

  You shake your head, “I’ll hold you to that!” You yell as you close the door. 

  Hobi looks at you with a raised eyebrow and the same smirk that Pedro wore, “Have you two always been like that?”

  You nodded and giggled, “Yeah, pretty much.” He shook his head at you and wrapped his arms around your waist, walking behind you back into the main area of the house. 

  The two of you passed a couple of neighbors, all of them who greeted both of you with open arms and hands full of alcohol. You lead him through the kitchen, not glancing at your surroundings. You are about to walk to the backyard before you hear a familiar voice.

  “Ah, mi hija, si sales por esa puerta sin saludar, no dudaré en conseguir mi chancleta.” (Ah, my daughter, if you walk out that door without saying hello, I won’t hesitate to get my flip flop.) You freeze at the sound of your mother’s voice and turn around to find her staring at you with a pointed look. You smile sheepishly and shrug your shoulders before waving at her.

  “Hi, mama.” The look she was giving you faded off her face and transformed into a smile. You walked over to her and gave her a hug. She pulled you in, wrapping her arms around you tighter. You sighed in content, realizing how much you missed her and your home. The picture of her in the kitchen, glaring at you, and threatening you with her flip flop put you on a nostalgia trip. Although you wouldn’t trade your life right now for the world - a beautiful penthouse apartment with your boyfriend in the middle of South Korea’s capital - you did find yourself missing the smell of huevos con carne and chorizo that drifted throughout your home. You found yourself missing the melodic voice of Romeo Santos on Sunday mornings that indicated it was time to wake up and start cleaning. You found yourself missing the company of your siblings and the embrace of your parents. But as said before, you are currently living a wonderful life in Seoul, with your career progressing fast and the man of your dreams right beside you. 

  “I’ve missed you, you barely call anymore.” She scolds you while simultaneously pulling you into her even more.

  You nuzzle your face into her shoulder, “I’ve missed you too, mama. I promise to try calling more often.”

  You pulled away to smile at her, only to find her checking out your boyfriend from head to toe. “Ay, hija. ¿Quién es ese buen pedazo de culo que trajiste?” (Who is that fine piece of ass you brought with you?)

  Your eyes widened and you lightly smacked her arm, “Mama!” 

  She giggled and looked at you, “What?” she complained.

  You sighed and shook your head. You glanced over to Hobi to find him smiling warmly at you and your mom, despite not knowing what you two are saying.

  “Mama, this is Hoseok. My boyfriend.” You said, putting emphasis on the word boyfriend.

  He awkwardly smiled at her and waved, “Hello ma’am.” 

She smiled warmly at him while walking over, pulling him into a hug. You laughed at Hobi’s shocked face and little ‘oof’ at the strength of her pull.

  “Call me mama, ma’am makes me feel old.” Hobi smiled at her acceptance and hugged her back, looking to you for reassurance. You give him a quick thumbs up before she let him go and turned to you. “While the two of you are here, mind helping me carry out these dishes to the table outside?”

  You scoffed, “I’ve been here for a matter of 10 minutes and you are already putting me to work like I’m 12 again.”

  She smiled and shook her head, “It’s cause you always act like you’re 12, hija, now get let's make use of your boyfriend and his muscles and carry these enchiladas to the table.”

  You laughed at her antics before translating to Hobi what his task was and putting the tray of food in his hands. You grabbed a plate of tortas and she grabbed the empanadas before you started heading out. 

  “Thank you, hija, Hobi. I will see you both later, I have to go yell at Pedro for hiding away in his room.” She walks off, shaking your head and you smile at her retreating figure.

  “Your whole family seems nice so far.” He said, taking you into his arms and holding you. You giggled and pulled back slightly.

  “They’ll be your family soon too, hopefully.” You whispered, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

  He smiled and nodded, “And I cannot wait for the day that they do.” 

  You blushed at his confession before your eye catches two heads of hair that were identical by the pool. You smiled at Hobi and took his hand in yours, leading him towards the edge of the pool.

  “Rosa! Miguel!” You exclaim and stand behind them. Rosalína looks up at you from behind her glasses and smiles.

  “Hey sis!” You hug her from behind and she holds your arm. You pull away and look at Miguel expectantly, only to find that his eyes are somewhere else. You follow his gaze to a very familiar girl and smirk. 

  Rosa smacks him on the back of the head and he flinches, glaring at her. She nods her head towards you and Hobi and he looks at you two before smiling sheepishly. “Oh hey, Y/n..” You kept smirking at him and his face flushed red under your gaze. 

  “Still being a simp, I see.” You tease. He looks away, face turning 10 shades redder.

  “Shut up.” He trailed off.

  Hobi tapped your waist, pulling your attention to him. He tilted his head in confusion. “What joke am I missing?” He asked.

  Rosa snorted. She turned her head towards Hobi, catching his attention. “You see that girl over there, with the blonde hair?” She said and pointed. He nodded slowly, following the direction and looking at the girl. “Her name is Lucy. Miguel here has been pining after her for like- 5 years. Since we were 10! Can you believe that? I say he should just grow some balls and tell her that he likes her.” 

  You laughed at her choice of words while Hobi smirked. Miguel shoved her side in embarrassment. 

  “I’m not pining,” he glared at her before glancing at you, “Nor am I simping.” He trailed off while looking at Lucy before glancing at Hobi, “She is just super pretty and totally out of my league.”

  You smirked and looked at him, “Nah man, you’re totally simping.”

  “Literally, shut up, Y/n.” He said, crossing his arms and pouting.

  Hoseok smirked and laughed, “No, you should totally do it, kid. You only live once and the worst is that she’ll say no. But if she says yes…” He trailed off, leaving the rest to Miguel’s imagination. 

  Rosa high-fived Hobi, “Thank you! I’ve only been saying that for years! I’m Rosalína by the way, but you can call me Rosa. This idiot over here is Miguel.” She introduced herself.

  Hoseok smiled at her, “I’m Hobi, Y/n’s boyfriend.”

  “You’re in that one band, right? BTS?” she asked, tilting her head.

  He nodded, “Yep, that’s me.”

  “Nice,” She nodded, “I like your song Dope.”

  He smiled, “Thank you.”

  You watched the interaction with a big smile on your face. It seemed that your boyfriend was becoming more comfortable. And that couldn’t make you any happier. 

  You shook your head at your thoughts before looking towards your sister, “Hey Rosa, where is dad, anyway? I want to introduce him to Hobi.”

  She rolled her eyes, “Where do you think?” She snorted and nodded her head towards the make-shift dance floor. A few people moved out of the way to reveal your father, Modelo in hand, dancing merengue to Suavemente. 

  Your eyes widened and you let out a laugh of embarrassment, “Oh. My. God.”

  She shook her head before looking towards Hobi who wore amusement on his face. “That would be our father. He’s been like that for the past hour, I think that’s his 6th beer.”

  You giggled at the ridiculous man that you called your father before grabbing Hobi’s wrist. “C’mon, let me introduce you to the ol’ man.” 

  Hobi’s face lost all color and looked uneasy. Rosa laughed as you two walked off, waving bye. You could tell your boyfriend was nervous, after all this was your dad. Your father. Keeper of your heart. The man who raised you. If he didn’t approve of Hobi then it would be devastating to the both of you. 

  “Wait-” he stopped you from going on, “What if he doesn’t like me? What if I’m not good enough for his daughter? Hold on, does my shirt look okay? What about my hair?” He panicked.

  You decided to shut him up with a kiss straight on the lips. He froze for a second before relaxing into it and wrapping his arms around your waist. You giggled at him, “He will love you, Hobi. You look perfect.”

  He nodded, still a little dazed from the kiss. You left him on the side of the dance floor and dodged dancing neighbors until you met your father in the middle.

  “Suavemente! BESAME!” He shouted as you tapped his shoulder. You giggled as he turned around and looked at you in pure glee. “Mi princesa! How are you, mi corázon? Dance with me!” He exclaimed and grabbed your hands, pulling you into the dance with him.

  You laughed and threw your head back. “I’m good, papa! I want to introduce you to someone!” 

  He nodded at you and grinned wolfishly, “Then lead the way, Princess.” He followed you off the dance floor and to Hobi.

  “Papa, this is my boyfriend, Hoseok.” Hobi visibly gulped.

  “Hello, sir.” He said, putting on a charming smile and holding out his hand. 

  Your father’s eyes narrowed, looking Hobi up and down, a poker face on. “Boyfriend, huh?”

  Hoseok faltered for a second, “Yes, sir…” He said, using his other hand to scratch the back of his neck out of nerves.

  Your dad suddenly smiled and took his hand, pulling him into a hug, “Well welcome to the family then! It’s nice to meet you!” 

  Hobi visibly relaxed into the hug, smiling at you with a big grin. All you could do is smile back, happy that he made a good impression on your dad. 

  Your father pulled back and squinted at Hobi, “You hurt my daughter and I’ll kill you.” He said, gruffly. 

  Hobi’s eyes widened, “N-never, sir.” He stuttered.

  Your dad broke out into another smile again, “Good!” He clapped him on the back, “Here, let’s go have some drinks!” He led you two to the bar before leaving to go dance some more. 

  It was later that night, after more less-stressful introductions, multiple plates of food, and a few drinks that you and Hobi were sitting together at a table, watching the party and enjoying each other’s company. You were staring at your parents, who were in the middle of the dance floor. Corazón sin cara was playing as your parents swayed to the music, your father’s arms wrapped around your mother’s waist and her head leaning against his chest. You smiled softly at them with a look of fondness in your eyes. 

  “They seem to really love each other.” Hobi said, looking from you to your parents.

  “They always have,” You said softly, laying your head on your arms and looking at them, “They’ve been through a lot together, a lot of trials and tribulations. When I was a little girl, I thought they were the purest definition and example of true love. They’ve always had each other, and I used to yearn for that as a teenager.” You explain.

  Hobi smiles and puts his arm around you, “Well, my love, now you can think of us when you think of love. I want to give you everything, the world, and I want to have your back just like your dad has your mom’s.” He says, pushing your hair behind your ear.

  You turn to him and smile, pulling him into a slow and passionate kiss.

  “I love you so much.” You mumble against his lips.

  He smiles against you, “I love you too, jagi.” 

  It’s when Obsesíon by Aventura comes on the speaker that you pull away with a gasp and wide eyes.

  “What is it?” Hobi frowns, confused by your sudden behavior.

  You giggle, “This is my song!” You get up and find Carlita before pulling her to the dance floor. Hobi smiles at you, and how your eyes shined with excitement. He watches you from afar, noting how natural you look among the people you grew up around. Although he may not know anyone and sticks out like a sore thumb, you are the complete opposite, blending in as if you had never moved away to begin with. He thinks that you have never looked so beautiful, than you do right now, at ease and having fun with your friends and family. He remembers how excited you were for him to meet all of them, going as far as to teach him some Spanish and give him some Latin dance lessons. You were so excited for this trip, and now that you both are here, Hobi doesn’t ever want to leave. Because you look so happy here, and all he wants is your happiness. 

  “You love her.” Hobi looked to his right to find your father, sitting down next to him with two beers in his hand. He said it more as a statement than a question.

  Hobi glanced back at you, “Yes, sir. I do, very much.” He sighed out, watching the way your eyes lit up and your smile grew as you sang along with the song. He watched how you moved with ease to the melody with your best friend and he could only admire you and think of how lucky he is, to call you his.

  “I could tell, you’re looking at her as if she’s your world right now.” Your dad smiled gently at Hoseok.

  Hobi blushed a little and looked down before looking back up at him. “She is my world, sir. She’s helped me through a lot, and she supports my career and always is there if I need her. I only hope that I’m the same for her.” 

  Your dad gently laid his hand on Hobi’s shoulder, smiling at him. “You are. The look that’s on her face right now,” He nodded at you on the dance floor, laughing with Carlita, “I haven’t seen that look in a very long time. She was going through a lot when she left, and now I can see that she’s happy again. You make her happy, Hoseok. That’s all I could ever ask of you.” 

  Hoseok smiled at him, “Thank you, sir. That means a lot.” He looked back at you, smiling at you when you looked at him and winked. He blew a kiss to you before leaning back in the chair. “I’m not going to lie, I was nervous when she said that I would be meeting you all.”

  Your dad chuckles at that, “Yeah, I could understand that,” he sighs, “I have always been the first man in her heart. I’m used to protecting her, to providing for her, to loving her. But now I’m not the sole man in her heart anymore, you are there too.” He says. Hobi looks at your father to find him staring back at him intensely. He looked him dead in the eye, “I believe you are a good man, Hoseok, and I fully give you my approval and welcome you into our family.”

  Hobi’s face breaks into a wide grin, “I’ll cherish her for the rest of my lifetime, sir.”

  The song changed to something more upbeat, and you were suddenly calling out to him, beckoning him over to dance. 

  “I have no doubt that you will, now go get your girl.” Your father clapped his back as Hobi stood up and made his way over to you. 

  You took his hand in yours and started moving along to Como la Flor.

  “Baby, remember how I taught you cumbia? Well this is an iconic cumbia song!” You smiled. Hoseok squeezed your hand and started moving along with you, getting the movement and rhythm pretty quickly. He laughed at your tipsy state. But that didn’t matter, what mattered is that you were having fun, and that you were happy. And despite the alcohol effects, you still managed to dance like a professional. You giggled when Hobi spun you, and it was the most beautiful sound on this earth to him. The two of you were in your own world, dancing together and laughing with each other. You were so caught up in each other that you almost didn’t notice how the song changed into a slow one. But when you did, Hobi pulled you closer and you nuzzled into his chest as you danced bachata with him. He took extra lessons in this dance style, without you knowing, just because he knew it’s your favorite.

  “I love this song so much.” you mumbled, slurring your words a bit.

  “What is it?” He asks, whispering in your ear.

  “Imitadora by Romeo Santos aka king of bachata.” You mumbled back.

  He smiled at your cuteness, leaning down to peck your forehead. You two kept moving to the music, and he spun you around. “What is it about?” he asked when he pulled you back in.

  “It’s about how his lover changed and turned cold, no longer giving him the same love that she once did.” You stated, smiling up at him.

  He frowned, “Well that’s..romantically depressing.” He said.

  You snorted, “Romantically depressing?” 

  “Yeah,” He smirked down at you, “it’s a romantic song, but it’s also super depressing.”

  You shook your head at his ridiculousness and pulled him into a kiss.

  “At least the melody is pretty.” You said after pulling back.

  He pulled you closer to him, “Indeed it is, jagi. Indeed it is.”

  As cliche as it sounds, the world faded around you two, as you both got lost in the dance and each other. You two held each other as if the world was ending. Your souls intertwined and the two of you vibed together. The moment itself was as intimate as it could be, and it would forever remain one of your favorite memories of you two.

  Later that night, after the party had ended and everyone had either gone home or gone to sleep, the two of you laid in your bed. Surrounded by darkness, you stared at each other, whispering about how well today went and how much fun you had.

  “I think they like me.” He whispers to you, intertwining your fingers with his. 

  “Oh they definitely do,” you giggled.

  “What do you mean?” he raised his eyebrow.

  “My mom thinks you’re a ‘fine piece of ass’ as she calls it.” You snort.

  Hobi let out a surprise laugh, his cheeks turning the slightest bit of pink. You moved closer to him, cuddling up against his chest.

  “I would have to agree with her though.” You whisper.

  “Oh yeah?” He smiles down at you.

  “Mhmm,” you mumble, falling deeper into your sleep, “You looked so sexy tonight, dancing to Latin music.”

  He smirked down at you, kissing the top of your head and closing his eyes.

  “Yeah?,” he mumbled back, falling deeper into his own sleep, “I might have to do it more often, then.”

[sunshinesukuna]

ferris wheel jives and unlived lives

pairing: farmer turned soldier!iwaizumi x f!reader

warnings: war, slight gore

summary: promises are always a one way road to regret. 

haikyuucreations0720 prompt: summer carnival!

words: 5.1k

i was gonna make a banner but onLINE SCHOOL. when i find the motivation i’ll make one for y’all but for now enjoy this fic in its rawest state. 

big thankies to @vventure and @tsukkiscookies for beta-ing this <3333

Hands thick from a lifetime of holding shovels and axes pick up the leather-bound book on the table. Iwaizumi Hajime, 1944, is engraved in rusted metal on the cover. He flips to the calendar at the front of the page. Circled in a thick fountain pen is today’s date, with “(Y/N)” scrawled underneath. 

Iwaizumi runs his finger over the lipstick stain at the bottom corner of the page. Had it been anyone else, he would have gotten a shovel from the shed and lopped their head off at the defiling of his precious journal. But not if it was you. Never for you.

He takes a deep breath before gathering all his belongings in his pocket. Not much, just his wallet with saved up money from his time serving and last month’s potato sales. Iwaizumi’s reflection glances at him from the rotary phone but he decides against calling you, lest your maid, or worse, your parents, pick up the phone. He adjusts his army cap and sweeps the dust off his shoulders before walking out the door.

You already know what time to come out anyways. Iwaizumi practically drilled it into your head the last time you saw him after you were 15 minutes late to your previous rendezvous. 

Cornfields turn into suburbs and the stretch of country land morphs into that of the city. He’s never really liked the city, preferring the clean air of the long extent of his farm compared to the smog. But it’s a small price to pay to see you. 

Some people give him odd looks on his way. In their defense, they do have a reason. Iwaizumi’s a scruffy farmer turned soldier riding a rickety car that groans and moans louder than the old men haggling over the price of a sack of corn Iwaizumi’s just trying to sell. He’s a black sheep among the delicate edges of the perfectly manicured lawns and pristine white paint of the government houses that all seem to wag their finger at him.

He finally stops in an empty field — he doesn’t dare park in front of your house, lest your parents see. The mayor would throw a fit if he ever saw his daughter walking around with someone the likes of Iwaizumi.

So he walks. Iwaizumi crouches by the massive oak tree that hides him from view. From his vantage point, he has clear sight of your curtained window. The glass is dented after so many pebbles flung its way. Iwaizumi saves his guilt for later and picks a small, innocuous one. 

He throws another one. 

The curtains crack open ever so slightly, and he catches a glimpse of an eye in between. Iwaizumi makes himself known. You open the curtains ever so widely, framing your face in between the cloth and shooting him a silly expression from atop your window. He shakes his head and beckons you to come down. 

No amount of military training could have ever prepared him for all of your descents down. He can’t help but flinch every time you put your dainty foot down on a branch that looks like it’s breaking point is way overdue. Thank heavens, you make it down,  your skirt slightly rustled and a leaf in your hair, but the mischievous glow in your eyes nullifying all other flaws. You hold his hands to steady yourself. They smell like iron. 

"Your father?" he asks.

"Out negotiating with the city next door."

"Your mother?"

"With my father.” You snake your hands around his waist until they meet his own that are clasped behind him. Slowly, you pry them apart until you have both hands in yours. He presses a tender kiss to your knuckles. “They say there's going to be a dance after all the diplomatic issues are done with. They won't be back until midnight."

"The maid?"

"Asleep."

"You?"

"Missing you as always." Iwaizumi scoffs, but he does nothing to hide the growing smile on his face.  

“Come on now, before the neighbors see us.” You grab his hand and make your way towards where you know he has his car parked, with no consideration towards anyone watching! In your defense, there isn’t anyone. Probably all in their own backyards, enjoying the luxuries that come with being part of the upper class, away from the trouble and toil of war efforts right now.

You wince a little at the loud squealing of the car opening. No one seems to have noticed, so you pull up a pastel shoe clad foot up into the dirty metal of the car. 

“Where are we going today?” you ask.

“You’ll see.” He revs the engine up. You pout.

“I don’t like surprises.”

“I’ll teach you to like them, then.”

You talk for most of the ride, mostly some of the gossip you hear here and there as the mayor’s daughter. Stolen kisses between the maid and next door’s chauffeur, plans to build a new shopping center once the war’s over.

The honking tires of the city are replaced by children’s music as more and more people file into the empty lot. Some are armed with picnic baskets and blankets, others with cones of ice cream and cotton candy bigger than your head. You observe your new surroundings.

“The carnival?” you ask. Iwaizumi shrugs and holds the steering wheel closer.

“I stumbled on them when I went out. And… you said that you wanted to go, so I— (Y/N)!” Iwaizumi’s windpipe is almost crushed by the pair of arms that wrap around his neck. He doesn’t try to remove them, instead settling for a hand on the small of your back. 

“I love you a thousand times!” 

“H-hey,” he chokes out in his best imitation of his “army” voice. “We’re still on the road. People could see us.” You shrug and pull back anyways.

The car finally comes to a stop at a large field where other cars park. You don’t even wait for Iwaizumi to come to a full stop before you leap out the door, stumbling a little when your feet hit the warm asphalt. The air is clear and sweet in your lungs as you take in the feel of the fresh new atmosphere. 

Iwaizumi’s just getting out, but you’re already walking to the other side and yanking his hand out, running as fast as you can to the opening gates. Carnival music blares through the air, mingling with people shouting at other people to come try out various games and food. So much was happening at the same time. When was the last time you went out like this without being stopped at the door by either of your parents? Second grade, probably, under the watchful eye of your nanny that tore you away from the other kids at the playground.

“Where do you want to go first?”

“Umm....” Your newly-found curiosity takes the best of you. There’s so much to see and do, and you’re not sure what should come first. From where you’re standing, you spot a large circle turning lazily in the sky. The line isn’t too long, and the view looks like it would be fantastic at this time. 

“The ferris wheel, maybe?” you suggest. 

“All right. You go line up and I’ll go get the tickets,” Iwaziumi says. You join the line that is steadily growing while your lover goes to buy some tickets.

Iwaizumi has just taken ten steps from you when an unwanted guest creeps up on you. Some people grumble from behind you at the appearance of this new tyrant that cuts in line so leisurely. He leans lazily on the divider right behind you and makes eyes you would rather he not make at you. The golden watch on his wrist clanks and tinkles on the metal divider. His hair is slicked back in imitation of the handsome actors on the screen, though the same can’t be said about him. 

The man behind you clears his throat a few times, each getting progressively louder and louder. He really isn’t going to stop is he? What if he knows dad?

The thought crosses in your mind, and without second guessing, you turn back. Your eyes lock with him for a few seconds longer than “accidental” could pass for. Turning back without acknowledging him would be what your parent considered impolite. And you were certainly not going to attend one of your father’s weekly lectures on attitude again. 

“Would you like a handkerchief?” you offered. You fished out the green cloth from the small bag you carried with you. The man accepts it with a cocky smile and a fake cough. You’re about to turn back when you feel a tap on your back.

“You know, I’m set to take over my dad’s company when he kicks the bucket. I could get a pretty girl like you all the pretty dresses and pearl necklaces you want,” he says. He slings your poor handkerchief over his finger like a dishrag. 

“That’s very nice of you,” you remark politely before trying to turn away. The tap on your shoulder keeps you from breaking eye contact with him. You’re already standing a little too close to the gate for your liking, but the sudden arm on your right side inches away from your waist keeps you from going anywhere.

“What does a cute gal like you prefer? Tiffany? Swarovski? Cartier?” 

“I’m quite alright, actually.” You look to the ground. Surely just buying two tickets shouldn’t take this long?

“Awh, come on. ‘Gal like you fancy a man who rides a red or white Cadillac?”

“Well, I don’t know. Men who can actually take care of their ladies instead of throwing wads of cash at them are quite popular nowadays,” you retort.

“Like me?” someone’s familiar timbre asks from behind you. You catch his reflection in the Ferris wheel door and can’t help but giggle a little bit at his sudden cockiness in the face of a new adversary.

Iwaizumi looms protectively over you, a hand on your shoulder. He’s not doing anything to the unwanted visitor in front of you, but you still enjoy his face whitening in fear. You take the chance and look up at your lover. 

The sunlight hits his face perfectly like he’s the chosen child of Helios; the shadows and light bending to his will and accentuating the harsh lines of his face. You swear you can hear the man whimper. 

The operator barks out for the next group of people to come inside.

“Of course!” you reply. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a ride to catch.”

The man hangs with his jaw open as he tries to form  coherent words. You balance between your heels and tip toes as the operator opens the capsule doors. Like the courteous gentleman he is, Hajime offers you a calloused hand up the carriage. The capsule ascends with an unceremonious squeal.

The capsules are cramped, but one look outside has you swooning. The view of your small town, accompanied by the man’s aggravated grunt, and a warm hand squeezing your own makes you feel drunk and sober, wasted yet clear-headed at the same time. A voice breaks you out of your stupor.

“He wasn’t bothering you, right?” Iwaizumi asks. 

“A little.”

His hands instinctively reach out to stroke your shoulders and hair. The intimacy of the capsule has made him more touchy. Instead of shy brushes on your forearms, he’s now melted into you, foreheads touching and breaths on your neck.

“Are you okay doll? Nothing wrong?” 

“The only thing that’s wrong is how long you left me just to get some tickets for us.” You pull away. ”I missed you, you know.” 

“Y-y-you did?” 

Iwaizumi’s flustered. Charmingly so.

“No, I missed your friend from the army that you brought over to your house when I was there that time. What was his name? Otsubo? O’Connel? Ogawa?” Iwaizumi sighs, memories of the brown-haired delinquent he was paired up with plaguing his thoughts.

“Oikawa.” His eyes glaze over as he stares into the window behind you. You click your tongue. This airhead. 

Without thinking, you press a kiss to his lips. It lingers, trapped in the confines of space, time, and your slowly waning self control. It’s nothing special, but maybe that’s what makes it all the better to remember. Who has time to remember grandiose scenes of kissing in the rain or in a fit of passion when mundane ones like these are the ones they experience the most? Quantity over quality for this one, shall we say? It’s your run-of-the-mill kiss shared by countless other actors and actresses and seen by thousands of other loyal viewers, but only truly felt by the two of you.

You finally find the will to pull back after a good 30 seconds. Residue lipstick stains his plump lips, almost camouflaging them amongst Iwaizumi’s burning crimson blush.

“Did you really think that I would miss someone other than you?” you asked. 

“Well, you looked like you did.” You put a hand to his cheek.

“You’ll always be my number one, Hajime.”

The ferris wheel turns for a few more times, hushed cuddles and silent declarations of love happening inside it’s capsules, you and Iwaizumi being the main culprits. He’s alone with you, with a perfect view. What more could he want? A thought pulls on the back of his mind like an impatient child.

What is he? A mere farmer who got drafted into the war, possibly to never return. And you? The mayor’s daughter. The difference between you two is larger than that of the distance between this quaint little town in the middle of nowhere and the sea. Iwaizumi imagines his future — not necessarily bleak, but definitely filled with dirt and toil, not one he would ever want to give you.

Perhaps it’s better for you if he doesn’t come back. 

You would grieve and cry for however long you pleased, but it would be the best for you. A new man would come and sweep you off your feet, like Iwaizumi once did. He would make time for you, like Iwaizumi once did. Maybe some money would be involved, and that’s where Iwaizumi can’t compete any longer. The altercation just now was proof of that.

The operator barks at the two of you to get out once your time is up. Iwaizumi hops off with ease, helping you with the strict confines of your skirt. He’s so enamoured in his thoughts, that he doesn’t realize that you’re shoving a cone of ice cream into his face. 

“Hajime,” you call. Your voice, the product of years of being taught how to speak softly like the ladies of your class, a far cry from the gruff barks of the farmers where he’s from, rings in his ear like a gong.

“What are you thinking about, Iwaizumi Hajime?” 

“Nothing,” he says stoically. Even though you see the postman more than you see Iwaizumi in person, you see through your lover in an instant. 

“Let me guess.... You’re thinking about....” You tap your finger on your lips in mock thinking. “Me! You’re thinking about me! Aren’t you?”

“What makes you think that?” he asks, but the flush on his face is definitely not from the carnival lights.

“You’re staring at my neck like I’m the one who stole those tomatoes from your garden bed last night,” you quip. Iwaizumi does nothing except pinch your cheek, to which you respond with a squeal and a nuzzle on his neck. Before you know it, there are fingers dancing on your midriff and torso, tickling the living daylights out of you.

“Stop, Hajime!” you plead relentlessly, but he has no mercy on you. Like a good soldier, he leaves no place unchecked. Your arms, your neck, your ribs. Iwaizumi takes no prisoners. By the time he does manage to pull away, you’re panting as you lean on him. 

“You could have made me spill my ice cream!” you complain as you hand one to Iwaizumi. The smile on his face is wiped away by a look of uncertainty. 

“You should’ve let me pay for that, (Y/N),” he says quietly. 

“Oh, please.” Your voice drops to a quiet hush as well, the smile shrinking away from your face until it’s only visible to the Iwaizumi and the sky. 

“It’s my treat for you. For taking me here.” 

The both of you eat your ice cream in silence. The only thing that could connect the two of you as a couple was a small patch of skin where your smaller hand touched his elbow, strong and hard from years of both farming and training.

He really should count his blessings someday. He’s alive, breathing, and healthy, for one. Iwaizumi isn’t rich, not as rich as you anyways, but he has a roof over his head and enough to make a meal for himself at least twice a day. The heavens could have stopped there, but no. They decided to send down an angel straight from their ranks to him. One with a glowing smile he would pay millions more to see just for another second, 

Yeah, right, find a new husband. Hell would freeze over before Iwaizumi would ever allow that to happen. 

But, like most things in his life, it’s shattered to pieces. 

Literally.

The sweet summer air turns into clouds of smoke at the pull of a trigger. Iwaizumi looks up. From the clouds, fall large blocks of metal that he recognizes all too well as rocket artillery. It hangs in the air for a hot minute, like a ballerina staying in the air just before she lands from her jump. Everyone holds their breath as the first shell makes its descent.

Sirens finally break the silence. Recorded laughter melts into shrill screaming as people rush to take cover. Civilians and members of the military alike take off to who knows where — parents seeking their children, civilian lovers holding on tight, a group of friends breaking apart because two of them bear a soldier’s cap a little too proudly.

Someone screams from the other side 

“A civilian attack?”

“Women and children to safety! At once!”

“Soldiers, report to the north gate at once! 

And it finally happens. A symphony of thundering cracks that shakes the ground under your very feet like a seesaw. The trills and hums of falling buildings and structures soon join it, bringing an eerie soundtrack to the scene of fire and blazes that unfold before your eyes. But the star soloist in the show is perhaps the screaming. It doesn’t discriminate. Everyone screams. Old men trying to survive another five years doing so hoarsely as the hang on to what’s left of the burnt wick that they call life. Teen girls doing so, trying to huddle together with their friends under what they think is a safe spot. It’s deafening.

A pack of soldiers run past you, some carrying first-aid kits and stretchers. Iwaizumi gives them a knowing glance and a nod, before finally looking to you.

You’re the mayor’s daughter. Of all people in this town your age, you know best that during times like these, duty comes first. But what is duty when the people left to carry it out are slaves to love? 

“Hajime!” you choke out. You don’t know whether the iron grip on his wrist is to keep him from going or to keep him from staying any longer with you. But you keep holding him anyways. 

“Go with them,” he says. His voice is calm and steady, interpolated by the crackling of fires and the occasional thundering of what must be more bombs coming from the air.

“You—”

“I’ll meet up with you later. At your front door, next time.”

His hands moved to cup your face. Fire and explosions are reflected in the tears that start to roll down your face. Sticky residue ice cream lingers on your hand, some of it getting caught in your face as you wipe down the tears that flow so ungracefully down the side of your face.

“At my front door?”  you ask.

The front door with the bronze plaque, serving as the golden gate for people of your class, but a barbed fence to those of Iwaizumi’s. The front door with a hole near the doorknob that your father never noticed, from when Iwaziumi used to sneak letters he wrote in school for you seven years ago. Maybe you would share a kiss, only to scurry back in the blueberry bushes behind your house because you saw the glint of your mother’s car in the driveway? Or maybe share a lazy nap in the sun because your father had guests from halfway around the world and the nanny was sick, and the circumstances and situation all just perfect.

Too perfect.

“Of course. If your father says anything about us, I’ll make him eat his own words.” Something bites at the back of his throat, but Iwaizumi coughs it back under the guise of ash. The last thing he needed or wanted was you getting scared.

“That’s a promise?” you ask.

“We don’t make promises in this household, doll.” 

You want to say something, but another bang cuts you off, followed closely another crowd of soldiers directing people off to the side. Iwaizumi takes a long whiff of your perfume— one nicked from your mother’s shelves, yet worn countless times. You smell good. 

Iwaizumi gives you a kiss on your forehead — a rather mundane one — before joining the crowd of marching soldiers. 

Everything is piercing. 

There’s something about the smell that invades his nose that makes him want to retch, yet fall asleep at the same time. It reminds him of the rubbing alcohol that they give the new trainee that bleeds first during hand-to-hand back at his base. Iwaizumi wrinkles his nose instinctively, but finds that the longer he smells it, the clearer his head becomes.

And the lights are just too bright. They’re a blinding white, unlike the yellow lighting he’s accustomed to. The white tiles and white sheets that wrap around him securely make it even worse. It reminds him of the showers back at boot camp, where blood and other bodily fluids contrasted proudly with the white tiles. He blinks several times as he gets his eyes to adjust to the new lighting. 

A machine whirrs and buzzes behind him. Iwaizumi has never prided himself on knowing lots about military technology, but in all his years training at the military, he’s fairly sure he’s never seen anything like this before. From where he’s laying down, he makes out a valve connected to his fingers.

“Mr. Iwaizumi,” someone asks. He makes out a silhouette leaning over him. Something pounds in his heart as he hopes that it’s you that’s come to see him, but an adjustment of the light quickly kills all of them. A woman with red lipstick and dressed like a nurse from the neighborhood hospital helps him up.

“Where am I?” he manages to croak out. 

“You’re at the hospital. There was an attack and you were ushered to safety when—” 

It’s like someone turned a light switch in him. One minute he’s drowsy and fatigued, the next he’s up and alert, ready to pounce at anyone. Iwaizumi sits up straight, eager to hear this new information that is to be delivered. 

“The others?” he asks. 

“They…” The nurse trails off. She looks down apologetically, the blinding lights reflecting off the sheen of sweat on her hands. Her figure shrinks a bit. The silence is enough to fill in the blanks. 

“You left the others out there to die?”

“Sir, we tried—”

The ground is cold and hard on his bare feet. Iwaizumi’s shoulders sag with the feelings of ten sacks of wheat on his shoulders. He’s getting very good at ignoring, what with people screaming around him and sirens that block out any other form of conscious thought. All he knows, hears, and wants is to run. 

So he does.

He makes it down an uncountable amount of flights of stairs, until his knees ache and his calves are on fire. The metal is cold, hard, and unforgiving. The light of the tunnel keeps on dipping lower and lower until he finally drops down onto the floor. It seems to be deserted. Iwaizumi puts his hands on his knees and breathes like the drill sergeant instructed him back at camp. It seems that he won’t have much time to rest, though.

“Rouge patient!” someone barks from the other side of the room. 

Iwaizumi curses under his breath. Every step he takes is a spike up his thigh. But he runs. He runs and runs and runs until he finally sees a glass door at the end of it all. The door seems to be protected by a set of numbers, like those on a calculator sitting next to it. Footsteps thunder behind him and Iwaizumi can hear people opening their office doors in hopes of intercepting him, only to have the rogue patient run past them. It’s now or never. 

The door squeals as Iwaizumi puts all his body weight into the front part of his body. There’s a change in the air. The previously dingy atmosphere from inside the building is now replaced with a fresh breeze. Iwaizumi can’t stop to admire the flowers though. Without a moment’s thought, he rushes through the streets, weaving blindly through vehicles until he spots a dim alley.

It’s still the light of day, but this alley was unoccupied. Iwaizumi drops to his knees a second time, trying to put the wind back in his chest. Breathing seems to do good, so he does so shallowly until his lungs are willing to take in more oxygen at a time. No injuries, except the burning in his feet from running on bare pavement across the city.

Iwaizumi finally opens his eyes for the first time. Where was he now? DId he land at the car repair shop near your house? No, it doesn’t smell like grease and oil. The clothing factory? No, there’s no smog in the clear, blue skies above. Iwaizumi retraces his steps around the city. He closes his eyes again, visualizing his footsteps.

The smell of cotton candy drowns him in his thoughts.

There must be a carnival going on.

But instead of rolling hills and low houses, giant blocks of stone and metal crane their necks to the sky, reaching aimlessly for the sun and clouds that hang over their heads so tantalizingly. Great pictures hang suspended over the buildings, depicting beautiful people with clothes that would make any person from Iwaizumi’s part of town gasp. He wonders how he didn’t notice them during all his running before. In his defense, running from people who would do questionable things to you impairs your peripheral vision for an unknown period of time.

Something flashes out of the corner of his eye. His hands reach up to pat his waist for the revolver on his waist, but there’s nothing there. A closer look at the flashing colours reveals themselves to be… a Ferris wheel? 

A simple road leads up to the ferris wheel. Street vendors and pedestrians alike bustle through the streets, enjoying the carnival. Iwaizumi can’t bring himself to care about them. The only thing on his mind right now is where you are. 

His mind is spinning so quickly right now that he doesn’t notice the lack of planes the air, or people laughing and chatting instead of screaming for their lives in the streets. Everything rings in his ears the same as they did that night. 

Some of the people he shoves through give him dirty looks. And he’s in luck too, not far down the street is the back of a familiar head of hair. A closer look reveals a blue bow, the same blue bow he recognizes as the one he bought you for your birthday. You had shoved his gift away and told him that the money would be better off feeding the cattle, but he had made sure that it found a snug home in your hair.

He doesn’t remember you wearing it on the car ride earlier.

There’s a cone of ice cream in your hand— not melting on the ground surrounded by ash. You blissfully lick the cone while looking at the rides whizzing above.

“(L/N)! Why haven’t you gone with the others?” Iwaizumi asks frantically. You turn your head back so casually Iwaizumi wants to yank you away. If it was any other person, he would have wanted to disappear right then and there.

But it’s you. Same eyes that widen in confusion when you look at him. Same nose that wrinkles in disgust when you see his bare feet on the concrete. Same lips that part ever so slightly at his appearance.

“I’m… sorry?” you ask. 

“There was an aerial strike, and everyone had to go to safety! Why weren’t you with them? I was worried sick for you the whole time and you stroll through the streets like everything’s fine and dandy?” 

People are starting to stare even harder now. Some people shuffle closer to you in case the worst situation comes to light.

“I think you have the wrong person, sir,” you say calmly. 

“Wrong person? Now is not the time for joking, (L/N) (Y/N)!” 

Iwaizumi wants to slap the eyebrows that are furrowing too slowly for his liking off your face, he just wants you to hurry up so the both of you can get to safety and meet at your front door like he promised but—

“(L/N) (Y/N)?”

“Who else would you be?” He must look like a madman now, screeching while other pedestrians give him odd looks. Someone seems to call the police on him, but the screeching of tires behind him is enough to dispel all sudden danger.

Black cars surround the small road, visages of baffled pedestrians and vendors reflected in their tinted windows. The drivers don’t seem to mind them, some opening the doors to their black suit clad passengers, all around his height and build. Iwaizumi feels a hand creeping up on his back, but he shakes it off and takes a long step to you. 

“(L/N) (Y/N) is my grandmother’s name, sir.”

-

yes this is inspired by captain america. copyright don’t come for me!!!!!

[princess-of-the-corner]

So I totally forgot to drop the fifth part of the Thieves in Time Rewrite months ago. Whoops. 

I think it’s because I wasn’t super happy with it but fuck it. Let’s do this. 

Finally, onto the Thieves in Time Rewrite: Episode 5; It Ends at the Beginning. 

Like Episode 3, I’m replacing the Cooper that they end up with. If y’all have kept up with my old posts, you know what’s coming >:3c

So! Actual story!

The gang lands in this Time but don't know when they are just that they were following anomalies in Time. They start trying to figure out when they are.

Sly's first out of the van, and is looking at a house in a normal neighborhood. However, he immediately recognizes it. This also sends him into a straight up ptsd flashback and he just scrambles back into the van, curled up and hyperventilating. The rest of the gang is confused and trying to calm him down. Completely forgetting about the question of 'when are they', until Murray comments that Sly hasn't had an attack this bad since the early days of the orphanage. Which makes Bently put the pieces together like "oh shit!!"

Right then, they hear a knock on the van door and a voice asking "are you having some car trouble?"

Because sure it's the middle of the night but Conner Cooper is going to notice a van parked in his driveway and come to investigate. 

Conner also eavesdropped a bit before announcing his presence. So he heard them wondering 'when they are', and has already put together that Time Travel is involved, and they're probably not innocent road trippers. But he doesn't know if they're friend or foe. 

Until he looks in the van and sees Sly. Because everything about Sly screams "Cooper", from the outfit to the cane(that he is currently gripping like a lifeline).

However, Conner has yet to pinpoint how far in the future they're from or what triggered Sly's flashback. Still, realizing this is another Cooper and his Gang, he invites them inside. 

It takes a little while because Sly needs to calm down enough, but Conner is patient because he knows what ptsd is like. 

Oddly enough, the one that helps the most is Penelope. Not that the others don't help. But with Carmelita, Sly gets that guilt/shame 'I don't want you to see me like this' feeling. That's less with Bently and Murray since they've seen this before, but since he's known them for so long the flashback memories are melding and mixing in his panicked state, and it's hard to remember that he's here now and not that little kid in the orphanage waking up from a nightmare. 

Penelope, on the other hand, is a newer face that Sly isn't in any way intimate with. Seeing her helps ground him in remembering what's going on and helps pull him out of spiraling memories. 

Sly's panic goes up and down as they enter the house. Seeing the livingroom definitely hits hard. It looks so normal, but it overlaps with his memory of upturned and bloodsoaked furniture. And god he fully freezes as they pass the closet. It gets better once the group enters the dining room. 

At this point, Dahlia, Conner’s wife and Sly’s mom, has come downstairs as well. She was concerned at how long Conner was taking and was fully prepared to throwdown with whoever. Seeing the group though...

Dahlia knows something is up. She has seen enough stuff from her days running with Conner's crew to be used to it. And she's intrigued to see another Cooper. 

But yeah Sly's still in panic and Dahlia's mom instincts kick in and she starts making tea to help calm him. 

Once Sly's calm enough to talk again, they begin to explain why they're here. An enemy is using Time Travel to mess with Cooper history. The gang tracked an anomaly to this Time. They even start discussing the ancestors that they already met. 

Then Conner and Dahlia ask how far in the future they're from, and everyone hesitates, wondering how to break it to them. 

They're sidetracked by a new voice, sleepily asking what's going on. Everyone looks over to see a six-year-old!Sly standing in the doorway, having been woken up by the noise. 

Past!Sly realizes there are five new people and is super excited to meet them!! And asks a million questions! 

It's when Past!Sly gets to Future!Sly that things go a little heartbreaking. The conversation is like:

Past!Sly: "My name's Sly! Are you a Cooper? You look like a Cooper! You're a raccoon and you have the cane and everything! Are you a cousin or something?

Future!Sly: "Actually, I'm from the future! And my name's also Sly!"

Past!Sly: "Wow that's cool! Isn't it cool mom and dad?!"

Future!Sly: "Yeah, mom and dad. Isn't that cool?"

And yeah they don't even have to say it because as soon as both Slys were side-by-side with nearly identical grins… it clicked. 

It takes a little bit to put Past!Sly to bed. Then they go back to talking. 

However, Dahlia realized something. The way Sly had reacted to them, to this house. She knows something happens. And she asks. 

At first, the gang refuses to tell them. Because Timelines. But Conner and Dahlia say that while they're not going down without a fight, they're not going to change it. Just tell them how long. 

Of course once Sly starts confessing to that, pretty much most of the incident gets discussed. Including some things Carmelita and Penelope didn't know about because Sly hadn't felt up to sharing (like, they knew how his parents died but they didn't know Sly was there).

Sly mentions Clockwerk and we hints to things about Clockwerk. Even Conner doesn’t 100% know what’s up with Clockwerk’s hatred of Coopers, as that got lost over time. But he does know that Clockwerk is dangerous and isn’t surprised that’s how he gets killed. 

After that, it turns into recapping everything else in Sly's life. Like how he met the rest of the Gang and all their adventures. Not every detail, but some of the bigger jobs or more fun anecdotes. Or really stupid decisions. And the fact that Sly and Carmelita are planning a wedding and baby is already on the way.

Eventually they get around to what they're supposed to be doing here. Apparently, this is right before Conner pulled that job that Le Paradox's dad was arrested over. 

They assume that Le Paradox is teaming up with his own father and intending to turn the tables on what happened that night, solidifying their legacy and getting Conner arrested. 

Well two can play at that game! They have a whole team to take them on. 

For now they get some sleep because its like 3 am now.

The next day they meet two new people. Alice LaChance and her daughter Daphne, the Cooper's Rabbit neighbors. Sly is hit with nostalgia and a little guilt for kind of forgetting about them because of the trauma and being dumped in an orphanage but you know. Daphne is the same age as Past!Sly and was his best friend back then. Alice was mostly the babysitter when Conner and Dahlia were working, and isn't super involved in the heists, but does have a few tricks up her sleeves. 

The whole group plans and bonds together and goes through all the hoops casing the joint and getting past security and eventually Sly and Conner face off against LeParadox and his father. Obviously they win. 

But there are complications. The changes in the Timeline that LeParadox caused made the cops show up early. The place is surrounded and the usual escape routes are covered. Again, LeParadox wanted to make sure Conner couldn't slip away even if he failed the heist. But that's backfired now. 

They're panicking and trying to think of a plan when Carmelita spies the one leading the arrest. She just laughs at their luck before saying they have a plan. 

The Cooper gang all hide, with only Carmelita and the handcuffed LeParadoxes in plain view for Inspector Diego Fox.

Carmelita explains the truth. That she's his daughter from the future and was chasing a gang of criminals put together by LeParadox. 

But she also tells him that to preserve that future, he has to let the Coopers go. Even emphasizing that without the Coopers, the world would be even more fucked in the future. Also letting a "if you don't help this future exist then you're also erasing your future grandkid" slip in. 

Diego is, understandably, thrown for a loop. But after Carmelita proves she's really who she says she is, he does listen. 

The cop in him really doesn't want to let the Coopers go. But… much like Carmelita, he knows that the world isn't all black and white. If he has to let them go for the greater good, then, well, as far as anyone else will know, only LeParadox Sr. was involved in tonight's heist.

There's no cliffhanger damn it(Other than the potential hints about Clockwerk’s past that could be used for another game)! Everyone goes back to the Future, LeParadox is thrown in jail, much to the super confusion of Carmita's superiors.

The Gang gets back to smaller heists and busts, along with wedding planning and a baby. 

The last thing is an epilogue: Sly reconnecting with Alice and Daphne. 

Alice is still in that same house. Sly takes a quick visit to his old house too. It's abandoned now, and run down. Violent deaths of criminals don't help real estate sales.

Alice is shocked but happy to see Sly. One of the first things she does is apologize though. For not being able to help. Not with the fact that Conner and Dahlia were killed, because she couldn't have done much that night. But for what happened after. 

After that night, when she found out that Sly was spared, she tried to find him. But he was already lost in the system. 

Sly reassures her that it's okay. He knows she tried and honestly, after all the Timeline Shenanigans, he's really come to terms with the fact that despite the bad things in this Timeline, he wouldn't trade it for anything.

The epilogue ends with Alice telling Sly about Daphne and her wife, and Sly inviting all of them to the wedding.

[itskimtaehyung]

Blindspot

Who is he? Who is the man with no eyes?

Pairing: Park Jimin x Reader (non romantic)

Genre: Supernatural Horror, Drama

Word Count: 3.9k

Summary:  Everywhere you turn, he’s there, just barely on the edge of your vision. No one else seems to see him. He outside on the street, in your house, in your room. Yet, no matter how hard you try, you’re unable to look at him directly.

Warnings: mentions of death and blood

A/N: if y’all dont already think i’m the worst procrastinator ever i’ll have you know that i started this fic in august of 2018 and meant to finish it for halloween of 2018 but i couldn’t even finish it in time for halloween of 2019 bc im trash

Two children, a boy and a girl, played along the rocks at the waterfront. It was overcast today, as it usually was, and a dense fog rolled over the bay toward the shore. They scuttled along, chasing crabs, attempting to grab the tiny, orange critters as they disappeared into the water. Their mother watched from a bench a few feet away. 

“Be careful, loves. We can’t afford to lose anymore people here.”

The children nodded understandingly and proceeded with their activity. That is, when the eldest, the sister, spotted something strange amongst the jagged rocks that jutted out from the mellow tides. 

“Mommy! What’s that?”

The mother stood up from the bench and calmly strolled over to her daughter. She peered down at the rocks, and saw the strange figure that was jammed between them. 

The mother let out a sigh. “That’s Stephanie. Do you remember her? She baked brownies for the bake sale last month.”

The son nodded. “I thought she went missing last week.”

“She did. This is where the people who go missing sometimes end up. Come on, children.” She held out both her hands and each child took one. “You two walk on home while I go tell Sheriff Strazzeri.”

Emerald Bay was too small for a proper sheriff’s department, or a crime scene investigation unit. It was just Sheriff Strazzeri, passionate about the law, and his son, Will, who attended the town’s subpar, probably not accredited by any other town’s standards, medical school. Together they investigated all the weird things that happen in this tiny town.  

People always say there’s nothing to do in Emerald Bay. They’re pretty much right. It’s a small coastal town, with a population of about four hundred and declining. On the east side of Emerald Bay is the Marina, lined with abandoned boats that smell of rotting fish and are covered with ancient, dried-up barnacles. On the west side is your ticket out: a dirt road that leads into the forest, a thick, dense barrier of emerald painted evergreens. That’s where the town gets its name. And past the forest is the farmland, and past the farmland is the big city. So why don’t people leave Emerald Bay? Why don’t they abandon it completely?

The answer? No one ever makes it out of the forest alive. 

Everytime someone packs their bags and tries to leave Emerald Bay, something prevents them from truly leaving. You remember when you were young, maybe three or four years old, your neighbor, Ben, decided he had enough of the monotony of this town, and got in his car and started driving. You thought he was off to a bigger and better life, somewhere out in the big city, but three days later, they found his car broken down on the road in the forest, with his dead body rotting inside. 

A few years before that, a woman who had been widowed, thought it was too difficult living in the house she had shared with her husband. She didn’t even take her things. She just started walking. She wandered into the forest, and a few days later, her body was found floating in between the boats at the Marina. In the pocket of her yellow raincoat was a piece of paper, surprisingly undamaged. On it was a drawing, done in what appeared to be blood. It looked like it was drawn by a toddler, simple and cartoonish. It was of a man, or rather a stick figure, with something over his eyes. Below the drawing were two words: SAVE ME. 

This has been going on for as long as anyone can remember. Residents have tried to explain this strange phenomenon, sometimes with outlandish theories. But the most common theory, and what you think is the most plausible one, sprang from the drawing found in the widow’s pocket.

Many think that she was trying to warn us. That she drew it in a haste before she died. Many think that there is a man in the forest. One that wears a piece of cloth over his eyes. One that takes the lives of anyone who wanders into his home.

Supposedly he lives in the forest alone. Deep into the dark woods, making himself known only at night. His skin and his hair are an ashy gray, and he is said to glow under a full moon. But the most distinguishing thing about him is he always wears a black blindfold. Why? Because he is blind. Because he is the man with no eyes. 

You have always been interested in this kind of stuff. The spooky, the scary, the unsettling. Slenderman theories completely consumed you in grade school. So did werewolves, ghosts, and all things supernatural. You’ve always managed to prove them all as myths. Except this one.

You had almost forgotten about the man in the forest until last week. 

Mark was a well beloved citizen of Emerald Bay. You had been in school with him your whole life. He was so incredibly smart and gifted. Everyone thought he would become mayor one day or something. That is, until a couple of weeks ago, when he went missing.

His family said he went to buy milk from the grocery store and he never returned. All of Emerald Bay were on the lookout, although there aren’t very many places to hide in such a small town. He had no reason to run away either. His parents were very loving, and his friends were supportive. No one ever imagined that he would do such a thing. 

A week after Mark went missing, his body is found at the edge of the forest. There’s no sign of injury, and he wasn’t gone long enough to die from thirst or starvation. Will can’t find anything wrong with him. He can’t even determine when Mark had died.

As an ordinary citizen, you don’t have access to many of the details surrounding Mark’s death. All the information you get is from what they print in the local newspaper, and you know those things never tell the whole story. You began volunteering at the local library a few months back, hoping to gain more access to the towns archives, but there are so many newspapers and journals that it quickly became overwhelming, and you put a pause on poring through them. However, being the urban legend enthusiast you are, you want to know more, and the only way to get information is to dig it up yourself.

That’s why you waited until tonight, the night of the first full moon since they discovered Mark’s body. You equip yourself with a flashlight, pepper spray, and a sledge hammer (you know, just in case). You’ve never hunted this kind of creature before, so you don’t know what kind of equipment you would need. It’s stupid to go out into the forest alone, especially on the night of a full moon, but you don’t know anyone stupid enough to agree to go with you. 

The streets are dead, as they are every night, when you pull your car up to the edge of the forest. You can see the full moon peeking through the branches of the trees, round and luminous.

You must go on foot from here. The roads in the forest are bumpy and jagged from the tree roots breaking through the asphalt. You would bust a tire within seconds of entering. 

The chilly sea breeze nips at your skin when you exit your car. You pop open your trunk and grab your hunting supplies: An EMF meter you built yourself, your sledge hammer for defense, holy water blessed by Reverend Kang, some dried sage, and a wooden stake because vampires aren’t real but you never know, right?

You close the trunk and step away from your car. The breeze seems to get stronger as you walk toward the forest, almost as if it’s pulling you into it. You let it lure you in amongst the trees. You follow it until you can’t see your car behind you anymore, and still you continue on. You make your way around a large tree and then stop dead in your tracks. In front of you is a figure, glowing so brightly that you can’t discern any actual shapes. You just know that it is vaguely human. 

“Y/N.” The sound echoes in your ears. The voice is melodic, calming, unlike anything you’ve heard before.

You struggle to catch your breath. “H-how do you know my name?”

“I know everything.” The figure lifts its hand up and beckons you. “Come closer.”

You can feel your limbs wanting to move on their own. You try to resist it and stand your ground. You don’t want to go near him. You want to stay a safe distance away, but he’s too strong, and he pulls you closer to him. Soon, the two of you are face to face, and you can make out his features. His hair glows silver, and his icy white skin contrasts starkly with the black blindfold that covers his eyes. He radiates a strange energy, one that you’ve never experienced before. It’s cold, yet warm at the same time. Goosebumps prickle on your skin, yet your body feels feverish. Your chest feels tight as you struggle to fill your lungs with air. 

“W-what are you?”

He doesn’t hesitate to answer. “I am ancient. I am the only one of my kind, therefore I don’t have a name. But you may call me Jimin.” 

“Jimin,” you mutter in awe. You have so many questions for this strange creature. You never thought you’d actually find him, and now that you have, you must make the most of it. “There are so many things I want to know. Why do you take people? Why do you kill the residents of Emerald Bay?”

“I simply call to them. It is their choice whether they answer or not.”

“Are you calling me to right now?”

“Yes.” Jimin furrows his brows in confusion. “But you seem to be resisting my charm.”

“I’m not here to be your next victim.”

“Then why are you here?”

“LIke I said before. To find out why you take people, why you kill them.”

“But that’s not the only reason. The people who come here are unhappy. They want more from Emerald Bay. No one wanders into the forest, no matter how curious, unless they don’t mind being taken.”

“That’s not true,” you refute. 

“Isn’t it? Think about everyone who has wandered in here. Think about your own self.”

You open your mouth to speak, to tell him he’s wrong. But with the blink of an eye he’s gone.

You drive home dejectedly. Yes, you found Jimin, but now you have more questions than answers. What is he? Why does he kill people? How does he do it? 

You get farther and farther away from the forest. It’s nearly morning and the AM fog is starting to roll in from the ocean, coating the town in a thick blanket of gray. It’s so thick, you can barely see the block ahead of you. Your eyes momentarily wander away from the road to check your mirrors. Your tires screech as you suddenly slam on the brakes. You rub your eyes and blink. You could have sworn you just saw something in your back seat. And you’re almost positive that something was Jimin. But as you glance back up at your rear view, there’s no one there. It’s just your empty back seat and the eerie fog behind you. 

You tell yourself that you’re just seeing things. You didn’t get any sleep last night and you’re starting to hallucinate. 

When you get home, you’re so exhausted that you immediately collapse onto your bed and fall asleep. If you dream that night, you don’t remember any of them.

You sleep until you can’t anymore, and you lay in bed until your body aches. It screams at you to get up, and so you do, making your way to the bathroom to wash your face. 

You splash the cool water over your skin, rinsing off the cleanser that still clings to the area around your eyes. Afterward, you use a towel to pat your skin dry and take a look in the mirror. You freeze and nearly drop the towel. Over your shoulder, you can see Jimin standing, watching but not watching. 

You whip around but there’s nothing there. When you look back in the mirror, he’s nowhere to be seen. You got plenty of sleep this morning, so there’s no reason for you to be seeing things. But what else could possibly explain this?

Something doesn’t feel right. 

As hard as you try, you can’t bring your eyes to open. You can sense it. You can feel something in your room. You sense an unmistakable presence at the foot of your bed. It feels, evil, demonic, malevolent. 

You gasp for air, but the blankets seem to suffocate you. You want to push them off so you can breathe, but you’re paralyzed. Your heart races as you try to will yourself to open your eyes, to take a deep breath, anything. 

As quick as it comes, the feeling is gone. Your heart is beating out of your chest. You wiggle your toes to see if you can move again, but you’re too scared to open your eyes. Instead, you bury yourself deeper beneath your covers and try to fall asleep, but you can’t shake the feeling that something truly evil was just in your room. 

When you finally succumb to slumber, you dream of the forest that night. 

You’re running. The brisk air and the smell of pine nip at your nostrils. Your lungs burn, and no matter how hard you push yourself, you can’t seem to move faster than a crawl. You feel something chasing you, and you’re trying to get away. You’re trying to get back to the main road where you’ve parked your car, but the only thing around you is endless forest. Your heart feels as if it’s going to explode. 

Faster, faster, you tell yourself. But it’s no use. You can’t go any faster. 

You run and run. You don’t see the fallen branch on the ground until your foot catches on it, and you hurdle forward, putting your hands out to break the fall. 

But you never hit the ground, because the panic jolts you awake. 

This time you’re able to open your eyes, and it’s daylight out. Your clock says 7:03, twelve minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off and you have to get ready for school. 

When you sit up your brain pounds with a massive migraine that leaves you a bit nauseous. You wash your face in the sink like you do every morning, but today, you don’t see Jimin in the reflection with you. You bend over to rinse the cleanser off your face, and when you stand back up straight, you’re hit with a sudden wave a dizziness. Bile makes its way up your throat and you heave violently into the sink until it’s filled with thick, dark blood. 

When you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you see your mouth covered in red. You stumble back as a high pitched scream rings through your ears. 

Your mom rushes up the stairs and sticks her head in to the bathroom. “Is everything alright? Why did you scream?” 

You turn to face her. Can’t she see that your mouth is covered in blood? She’s not looking at you in horror, her concerned expression does not waver. When you glance back in the mirror, there’s no blood to be seen, and the sink is spotless as well. 

“Ye-yeah, Mom. I just…” you wrack your brain for an excuse, “thought I saw a spider. That’s all. Everything is fine.” But you can still taste the metallic tang on your tongue. 

When she leaves you look back in the mirror and Jimin stands in her place. You can feel his gaze piercing through the cloth over his eyes. 

With the blink of an eye he’s gone. 

Your life goes on like this for days, weeks. Everywhere you turn, he’s there, just barely on the edge of your vision. No one else seems to see him. He outside on the street, in your house, in your room. Yet, no matter how hard you try, you’re unable to look at him directly. You can’t sleep. You can barely eat. You can’t focus. 

You can’t stand it anymore. You need answers.

The Emerald Bay Library is old, much like all the other buildings in Emerald Bay. It’s been here for longer than even the oldest residents of the town can remember. Its shelves are filled mostly with novels from the previous century. No one knows where they came from. They seemingly just manifested one day. It’s part of the mystery of how this town came into existence.

After your volunteer shift, you tell Head Librarian Kim that you’re going to stay behind to do some research for a class project. He hands you the keys and tells you to lock up when you’re done without questioning you any further. The second he leaves, you head a computer to search the town archives. You look for journals, newspaper articles, anything that documents strange and inexplicable happenings. You write down some promising pieces along with their call number and set off to find them. 

When you turn the corner to head down one of the aisles, you can feel him. You look around you, seeing if you can find him lurking in the shadows. You don’t see anything, but his presence, the heaviness in the air, this thick, eerie feeling, is unmistakable. 

Shrugging it off, you scan the bookshelf for what you’re looking for. You trace your fingers over it’s spine, almost as old as the town itself.

The Mystery and Lore of Emerald Bay

You pluck the book from the shelf. It’s dusty, like it hadn't been touched in years. 

You wander over to the tables that sit in between the shelves and take a seat. The book’s leathery cover feels dry beneath your fingers. Stiff and crusty. Dust flies up toward your face as you open the book and flip through its yellowed pages, filled with handwritten and hand drawn accounts of unexplained phenomena that once sent the town into panic. 

The first is the chupacabra, from the time the town’s cattle were disappearing. Turns out it was just a resident who didn’t want to pay for beef at the local butcher shop and decided to take and slaughter them for himself.

Then the Emerald Bay Monster, which was quickly determined to merely be driftwood.

Along with a few other things that have since been solved by modern science. Things like poisonous mushrooms, lightning bugs, and fairy rings.

Finally, at the end of the book, you find what you’re looking for. 

The Man with No Eyes

You skim through the introduction and description of Jimin, then some eye witness accounts written by former residents of Emerald Bay, long dead from old age or maybe even something more sinister. Then you find what you’re looking for. 

Not much is known about this mysterious man, only that he kills. Some say that he is both immortal and invulnerable, making him impervious to any harm one might attempt to inflict upon him. However, there are rumors from the ancient times about this man. There have been no records of whether anyone has actually attempted these methods, however, the creature still stands, which is a testament to something. If one truly wants to know, legend has it that the only way to kill him is–

You’re about to turn the page only to find that the subsequent pages have been ripped out, and on the back cover, written in what appears to be blood, are the words: 

YOU  CAN’T KILL ME

You drop the book as soon as you see it.

You want to yell at him, to scream. But it’s hard to talk to something you can’t face directly. “What do you want? Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“I will be here until you give into me.”

You whip your head around, only to be met with dusty bookshelves and darkness. 

“Is this how you got the others to do it? By messing with their heads? Come out where I can see you!”

That’s when the bright, glowing figure steps out from the shadows and stands in front of you. His face is expressionless as he stares at you through the pitch black blindfold. 

“Do you think they just happened to go to the forest, just because you wanted to?” Jimin asks. “No, that was me, calling to them. And now I am calling to you. I have come to claim you. It is your time.”

You shake your head and stand your ground. 

“Come to me,” he beckons. 

“And what if I don’t?”

“Then I will choose someone else,” he answers plainly. 

“I don’t want someone else to die but I don’t want to die either!”

”Then don’t. You don’t have to die. Just come to me.”

“Why don’t you just leave me alone? Why don’t you leave all of us alone?”

“It’s not in my nature. My species feeds off of your energy, your sadness.”

“And if we don’t give it to you, you die?”

Jimin chuckles. “No, you can’t kill me that easily. I simply get angrier, more violent until I get what I want.”

When he smiles, you can see his teeth. Sharp, jagged. There are rows of them, like shark teeth. Your heart pounds in your chest. You take a step back, but Jimin is quick to step toward you. You take another step, but the backs of your legs hit the table. You quickly dart your eyes around the room, searching for an exit route. There are tables, chairs, and shelves in the way. The main entrance is on the other side of the library, and Jimin stands in the way of the emergency door. 

“There’s nowhere for you to run, Y/N. Because as fast as you run, I will always be faster.” 

“What happens when I give in?”

“You’ll find out.”

He removes his blindfold to reveal the brightest, most blinding light you have ever seen.

The same woman watches as her children play along the shore. a light breeze blows a crumpled piece of paper to her feet. she picks it up and reads it, sighing. 

MISSING PERSON Y/N Along with a photo your mom took of you two years ago. 

You’ve been missing for over two months now. Usually the bodies turn up within a couple of weeks. No one was brave enough to go into the forest to look for you. Not even Officer Strazzeri. Not even your mother. 

Maybe you weren’t taken. Maybe you were a lucky one. Maybe you were actually able to escape Emerald Bay onto bigger and better things. 

[paulvibe]

Just Friends - Part 7 (Paul McCartney x Reader)

Words: 3.2K

Warnings: Minor Sexual Themes

Summary: Paul, finally, shows you the farm

A/N:  Thank y’all so much for reading! I’m planning to write 2 more chapters, one being the final and then an epilogue. I sincerely hope that you all loved this story. It’s been fun to write, not only fueling my Paul love, but yours also. <3

A MONTH LATER

Fall had now fully come into effect. It had been a wonderful summer, so many events came and happened. Mostly happy, some sad. It was nice though, for the weather to start simmering down. You loved the summer, but there was always something so special about Autumn. The air was more crisp, and every step you took was followed by the sound of a crunching leaf. You also started to incorporate fall pastries into your bakery, so, more business was filtering in due to pumpkin pies and warm apple cider.

Over the past month, since your father's funeral, you threw yourself back into work. You worked overtime at the bakery, making up for the lost sales. You had also been working more to keep up your promise to your mother- to send money back to home to help with your siblings. Mom had also told you that Cindy started working at a diner to help with the bills, and David tended to the neighbors gardens. Each family member was pitching in and doing their part to help. It was sad that it took your father's passing to finally bring all of you together, but it is what it is.

Paul had also gotten swept back into work. He worked long hours at the studio, recording and writing for his new album. It was hard, to not see Paul, but you two talked on the phone the days he couldn’t make it to visit. Ever since the two of you showered together, the feelings you tried to deny were too strong to fight. It was a long time coming, I mean, there was moments before you were naked together that you had realized those feelings. But now, you finally acknowledged them. You were inevitably, undeniably, in love with him.

The thought of him brought butterflies to your stomach, it would cause you to smile and bite your lip. You would find yourself drifting off thinking, no- dreaming about what life would be like if you were together. You dreamt of the family home, the domestic lifestyle. Making breakfast for him in the mornings, dinner in the evenings. You get the drift. Sometimes you would get so caught up in these fantasies you would forget about the customer, waiting to be served.

The cool morning light peeled it’s way through your curtains, casting across the room. It was a Sunday, which meant the bakery was closed. You sighed, and threw the covers off yourself, getting up to stretch. It’d been a week since you last saw Paul. He was busy recording, which was unfortunate. However, you were also busy at the bakery. You looked at your alarm clock, reading 9:23 A.M. You made your way to the kitchen and set on a pot of coffee, and put a bagel into the toaster. You then opened your apartment door, grabbing the newspaper. You scanned the sections before one headline caught your attention.

PAUL’S NEW LOVER?

What? You read the sentence over and over again. It echoed throughout your brain as you frantically flipped to the page containing the article. A picture of Paul and Linda covered nearly a full page.

“...McCartney was seen last Wednesday with Linda Eastman wrapped around his arm. Will the former lovers rekindle that spark?...”

You tossed the paper onto the counter top, feeling a lump in your throat form. You were an idiot, of course Paul wasn’t in love with you. You two were just friends, and were to remain that way forever. You felt stupid, angry, betrayed. It’s not like you two were dating, nobody had made that clear. Your conscience stepped in, trying to calm you down. He had even talked to you about how their relationship just didn’t work out, they were always fighting about this and that. There had to have been a reason that he was with Linda, I mean, her father was his manager for god sakes.

You still couldn’t push past the picture. She was smiling up at him, while he smiled into the cameras. Her arms were wrapped around one of his, and they seemed to be walking together outside the studio. That should’ve been me. You thought, feeling a deep cavern form in your chest. You bit your lip and shook your head, trying to force the tears back into your eyes. It was stupid, it was like seeing all those pictures of him and Jane. You felt like a teenager again.

As if on cue your telephone rang, you knew it was Paul. You sighed, wiped your eyes and picked up the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hey Love.” You loved how his voice sounded over the phone, so soft and always eager. It made you want to jump into his arms, but your heart was reminded of the picture with Linda wrapped around him.

“Hey, Paul.” You said softly, mixing creamer into your coffee. You could fake it, right? That you weren’t hurt? It’s a tabloid, you kept reminding yourself.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking. Would you like to come over?” Paul hadn’t invited you to his house since, ever. This would be the first time. You always thought it was strange, the fact he hadn’t invited you over.

“Um, Paul, I’m feeling a little under the weather.” You said, cringing with each word that came out. You were letting that stupid article get to you. Internally you knew that you were doing that self-sabotage thing you do. As soon as something wonderful happens to you, you ruin it for yourself.

“Come feel under the weather with me.” He spoke so smoothly. Maybe that how he charmed Linda back into his arms.

“That’s very sweet of you, but-”

“I’m sending the car over. I expect to see you soon.” Okay. So, there was no getting around this.You huffed, slamming the creamer back onto the counter a little hard.

“Fine.” You gave in, though you were finding it hard to be excited. Stupid article. You needed to find out the truth from Paul.

“Lovely, I’ll see you soon, Kitty.”  With that, the dial tone signaled. That nickname always sent you over the edge. You wished he’d whisper it in your ear with a string of sweet-nothings. You groaned, wiping your face with your hands and then grudgingly getting dressed.

The driver showed up an half an hour after Paul called, and so started the adventure to Paul’s house. You didn’t even know he’d settled in Scotland until you pulled up to the home. Once past the gate, a gorgeous stone house came into view. Vines had grown up the sides of the home, and the stone work was covered with moss spots. A small garden patch was planted in front of the home, and you could see various vegetables growing. A few barns stood past the home out in a field and a handful of horses grazed the grass. You were awestruck; Paul lived in a medieval fairy tale home. Something you’d always dreamed of, in fact you talked about it with him when you were children. He always boasted about having a mansion with seven maids when he grew old.

The driver parked, and you thanked him whilst climbing out. Immediately sinking your foot into a puddle of mud. You groaned and pulled your shoe out with a shluck! sound.

“Oh, I should’ve told you it’d be muddy.” You heard Paul say. You looked up, your eyes drinking in the sight of him. He stood with his hands in his pockets and an amused smile on his face. He was wearing a basic long sleeve polo shirt with jeans and tall rubber boots spackled with mud. You sighed dreamily, he looked so good.

“That would’ve been nice.” You said dryly, snapping out of your dream state and stepping away from the mud.

“Welcome to the McCartney Estate.” He boasted, arms wide with a wide smile on his face. “I’ve been wanting to bring you here for a while.” He greeted you, and let you wrap an arm around his so you wouldn’t step or slip in any more mud. “Tour? Followed by breakfast?”

“Sure.” You said, checking your wrist watch. It was 10:37 in the morning, and you hadn’t had coffee yet; even though you did make some. You might as well get through the tour, though you’d be thinking about breakfast the whole time.

He lead you into the home, and took off his boots setting them aside. He also asked you to take off your mud soaked shoes as well. You looked around the home, absolutely astonished at how beautiful it was inside. A large kitchen was straight across from the living room, equipped with a fireplace and television. The bathroom stood down the hall, along with the backdoor of the house. A staircase in the living room led up to the bedrooms; 4 of them. He showed you around each room all of which were clean and tidied. He then took you to the basement and showed you the basic recording setup he had.

“Paul, this home is beautiful. You waited over three months to show me?!” You exclaimed, lightly punching his arm. He mocked hurt and rubbed his arm.

“Well, I was remodeling.” He defended as you two made your way back to the kitchen and living room. Breakfast had already been made, by someone who probably wasn’t Paul, and sat neatly across the counter-top. There were pancakes, fresh fruit, sausages and bacon, as well as syrup and whipped cream. Paul, being a gentleman, fixed you a plate with a little bit of everything and sat you down at the table.

“Paul, what’s all this for?” You asked, feeling slightly suspicious as to why he was making such a big deal over this.

“Can’t I just make you breakfast?” He had a slight hesitation before he replied. He fixed himself a plate and then he sat down in a seat across from yours. You assumed that was the best answer you were to get out of him, and just enjoyed your breakfast. He’d even gotten you a cup of coffee. Paul watched as you ate, feeling happy. This is how it should be, you in his home, eating breakfast slightly grumpy. He smiled warmly at the thought of you two waking up together, making breakfast, you complaining about this and that. Spending your days tending to the farm, feeding the chickens, riding the horses.

After breakfast, he gave you a pair of too big rubber boots and he showed you the farm. He owned three horses, all named something obscure. He also owned two pigs, five chickens, and even two goats. Each had their own pen, and small shelter. There was a large barn that held a small tractor, and a few bales of hay. It also harbored the other animals feed.

“I always remembered how you wanted to live on a farm.” Paul spoke softly, watching you spread the chicken feed. He thought you looked adorable in his spare pair of boots, that were indeed much to big for your feet. His heart warmed at the thought of this becoming a regular thing, tending to the animals together. Of course, you’d have your own size rubber boots by that time.

“I told you that when we were so young.” You spoke, setting the pan of seed down onto a nearby fence post. You looked up at him now. He had a look of adoration, leaning up against the chicken coop. Had Paul bought this home and farm for you? That’s just a ridiculous thought.

“(Y/N), I have something to confess.” He said after a few moments of consideration. You watched his face carefully, trying to assess what he was about to say. Did it have to do with Linda? “I- I’ve been feeling this way for a while.”

Oh god. Here it comes. He loves Linda. They’re back together, and she’s pregnant. You know it. Your chest tightened with each moment he didn’t speak. He was fiddling with one of the gate latches.

“I saw the article Paul.” You interrupted to him, not waiting to hear what he was going to say. You kicked some mud off your too big boots, and then looked up to see his reaction.

“Article?” He looked at you puzzled, now standing up straight.

“With you and Linda. I know. I know that you were with her.” You blurted. “I saw it in the newspaper this morning. You two, wrapped around each other looking happy go lucky. The picture was dated from three days ago.” Paul still looked at you puzzled. He shook his head, and ran his hand through his hair. You looked back down at the ground, feeling that gaping hole in your chest only grow in size. Him not answering only confirmed your fears. Well, you had a lovely run. As friends.

“I get it, we’re just friends. Paul, I- I-” You started, but Paul was quick to interrupt.

“No, you Idiot.” Your eyes raced to meet up with his, giving you a slight crick in your neck. “I’m in love with you.”

You gasped as the cavern in your chest immediately filled. Warmth filled your body, bringing feeling back into your fingers and toes. If you were holding something, you probably would’ve dropped it.

Paul’s body quickly wrapped around yours, as he rested both of his hands on the sides of your face, pulling you in for a kiss. You kissed him back, just a fiercely as he did to you. You grabbed his shirt by the sides and pulled him flush against you. It was like a typical, cheesy romantic movie. The kiss felt like twenty fireworks had been set off at once. Love was in the air; the cool, Autumn air.

“I love you too.” You managed to stumble out once you both broke for air. Happy tears stung your eyes. “I’ve loved you since I was 14.”

His hands slid down your back, now holding you tightly. He rested his forehead against yours, smiling softly. It was beautiful, with the chill Autumn air and sunshine billowing down onto you. The ambiance of the farm added to the romance.

“I knew the second I met you.” He spoke.

“You were eight years old.” You chuckled, kissing him again.

“I know a good bird when I meet one.” He winked. You shook your head with a giggle. You didn’t want to kill the moment, but you still had to ask what Paul was doing with Linda the other day. It was eating you up. If he loved you, then why would he be spending time with his Ex-Girlfriend.

“Paul, can I ask,” You paused, biting your lip, “What were you doing with Linda the other day?” You spoke softly, stepping out of his embrace.

“She was taking promotional pictures for the new album.” He replied. It didn’t even occur to you that Linda was a photographer, and her father was Paul’s manager. Of course. You’re an idiot, jumping to the worst conclusions.

“...Right.” You finally said, which a short laugh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.” You kicked a few rocks, looking at your giant booted feet. Pauls hand gently grabbed your chin as he directed your attention up to him. He then kissed your forehead, and wrapped one arm around your waist.

“You know believing those stupid tabloids is rookie mistake number one.” Paul joked, finishing off with a quick peck to your lips. You savored the moment, being here with Paul. You knew at some point your Romantic-Comedy movie moment had to end. You wished it could be like this forever, but of course tomorrow you’d have to return to the bakery, and Paul would return to the studio.

“What will your fans think? Of us? I mean, You’re the last bachelor of the Beatles. I’m sure a lot of girls are going to be very disappointed.” You spoke up, while you and Paul walked back to the house. His hand held yours and it made you feel giddy. Sure, you’d been holding hands before but now there was meaning behind it and it was different.

“They’ll have to deal. I love you. Period.” He said, you could hear the happiness in his voice. It gave you butterflies. It’s crazy how three simple words could change your whole life. You two winding up together was such a fairy-tale moment.

You looked around at his vast property before entering the home. The chill air was starting to get to you, and you shivered slightly before the warmth of the fireplace brought you back to life. You poured yourself another cup of coffee, took off those ridiculous boots, and sat on the couch that was near the fire. Paul joined you a moment later, wrapping his arm behind you. You sighed, resting your head onto his shoulder. This is how life should have always been. You two should’ve been together years ago. However, if you did get together years ago he’d probably be working a dead end job, and you’d be a simple housewife.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Paul asked, after you two had been warmed back up by the fire. You adjusted your sitting position to look at him better.

“Yes, you know I love gossip.” You smiled wide. He laughed at your comment.

“I used to live in London, when we first reconnected. I-” He paused, a smiling interrupting his speech, “I bought this home and farm shortly after our first dinner. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you. I never forgot all those rantings of you dreaming about owning a small farm, growing vegetables, raising animals.”

“Do you want me to cry?” You spoke, a happy tear running down your cheek. You laughed shortly and kissed him hard, straddling his lap. He rested his hands on your hips, occasionally grabbing your bum as you kissed. No, you two hadn’t had sex before. Though as teenagers there were a few close calls. Mostly being drunk from going to parties, especially after Paul joined The Quarrymen.

You two kept kissing, each one getting more hot and heavy. Paul was now firmly holding onto your bum, while your fingers were tangled in his hair. You could feel him progressively getting turned on, his hips occasionally coming up to meet yours. You would break the kisses with soft moans, which only fueled Paul to continue. He grabbed you tightly and flipped the two of you so he was now on top of you on the couch. He quickly helped you get rid of your sweater, leaving you in jeans and a bra.

“God, I’ve forgotten how gorgeous your chest is.” He muttered, littering your chest and the tops of your breasts with kisses, occasionally leaving a love bite. You continuously ran your fingers through his hair, moaning at the sensations of him. Paul sat up straight and took his long-sleeve off, revealing his torso. You bit your lip, running your hands all across his chest. You’d always been sexually attracted to Paul, who wasn’t?

“Do y’want to go up to the bedroom, Kitty?” He whispered in your ear. His accent getting heavy. You feverishly nodded, and the two of you stood up, practically running up the stairs and to the master bedroom.

-------------------------------------------

Taglist: @starlight-and-moonshine @tarantinoandmetal @brifilm @yllwtaxi I love you all <3

[phoenixisstrange]

The Best Day Forever Chapter 1 (Edited)

But I am wrong. It begins with me, in a nice suburban house doing my own thing going about my day. I guess I live here? I don't know who I live with or if I live alone but I encounter neighbors and friends (I don't remember specific interactions). I don’t even know how I got this beautiful house OR what town it’s in. It’s like someone created me and my life, peppered in some aspects of my personality and memory and dropped me into it. So I wake up in my? bed. 

I wake up, make myself breakfast, and acquaint myself with my neighborhood. As if I haven’t lived here for quite some time-- judging off of the bills I have sitting on the counter waiting to be paid. I open the front door. It’s a big wooden door with a little window that has decorative iron bars encasing it. Whoever designed this house did a damn nice job. I admire my front door as if I’ve never seen it before. As I step out onto my front porch I am greeted by a symphony of wildlife and a beautiful panorama of the forest. This was an intentional design point of the house. The way the forest sits inside of the frame of my porch is so perfect that it must be deliberate. The facade of my house faces a dense forest but I do have neighbors on either side of my property. 

To the left I see a mother herding her 3 kids into her minivan, well trying at least. One of the kids is running around screaming; wearing only one flip flop on. The other kid has dropped her bookbag on the ground. The third sits strapped into the car quietly. “Brandy stop moving and put your damn flip flop on, we’re going to be late!” the mom corrals her child into the van. 

I chuckle and breathe in the crisp morning air as it mingles with the scent of my piping hot coffee. The house to the right is a bit smaller and nobody seems to be home. After I finish my coffee, I go back inside and look at my schedule. It’s my day off.

I text my girls, Iz and Cree to see what they’re up to. I guess they also live in the area. Whatever the area is. The girls arrive and we set up camp in my warmly-lit living room. A low-budget Netflix horror movie plays in the background as we sip our Rosé.

 “So how’s Carter?” I ask Iz.

 “He’s good, he’s interviewing for a job at a new dealership as a sales manager”

“Good for him, I wish him luck in all his managerial endeavors” I say with a little too much enthusiasm. 

“Phoenix---How’s your love life??” She did it. She asked the dreaded question.

“Heh, funny you should ask… You would probably have an easier time finding a human being on Mars than I would finding a lover. ” Wow, I’ve actually lost count of how many times I’ve answered that. Me? Jaded? Never. Just realistic. I have too much going on to focus on finding someone right now. That’s what I tell myself at night when the loneliness hits. 

“Unfortunately my lover either doesn’t exist or doesn’t want me.” I add. You can practically see my dignity leaving the room. 

“Sometimes you just gotta ride the wave alone...” Cree-- who appears to be catatonic on the couch-- mutters from beneath a blanket. 

“Facts” Iz and I say in unison.

We finish a bottle of wine and cook some ramen. I never eat Ramen, I can’t stand it. But Iz and Cree love it so I guess that’s why my cabinets are stacked with the stuff. Either that or I am preparing for the inevitable collapse of our organized society. In that case, I know for a fact that I won’t go hungry. There’s so many packets of chicken flavored instant noodles hiding in my cabinets that I could feed a tribe in the post apocalyptic world.

The fragrance of the salty noodles dances with the incense that burns in the living room. The sound of a woman being possessed by the devil blares from the tv speakers.

“Haven’t we watched this movie already?” Iz clearly isn’t into it. “Probably, but all Netflix horror movies are the same. They usually end up as white noise anyway.” 

“I like it.” Cree chimes in

“If Cree thinks it’s a good movie, then obviously it’s a good movie Iz.” Sarcasm. 

“Cree said Suicide Squad was her favorite movie. She cannot be trusted to judge a good movie!” 

“Everyone thought that movie was so bad but y’all just don’t appreciate good art.” Cree stands firmly by her decision.

The movie concludes with the predictable ending where the antagonist--who has succumbed to demonic possession-- is cleansed of evil through a dramatic exorcism. The entire house that the movie is set in is destroyed. This forces the traumatized family to move out of the beautiful home they recently purchased. The movie ends on a cliff-hanger where a new family moves into the very house--which has now been repaired--in hopes to start a life. Boring.

The girls leave at about 11 pm. I take a quick shower and pour myself a glass of seltzer. Nights like this are ideal for stargazing. Not a cloud in the sky and cool enough to have the windows open in the house. Apparently, I missed my mark. I open my door to a rather jarring sight. Expecting the usual chirping of the cicadas and a star speckled sky; I am met with a rising sun. The sky is not an 11 pm sky it’s a 6 am sky. I’m confused and kind of scared. My mind starts to race. How drunk did we get last night? It was just a few glasses of wine not enough to black out the entire fucking night. I text Cree and Iz. No response. I figure they’re sleeping. 

My phone says 5:47 am on Saturday, 7/23. My day off is Saturday, which would be the 23rd. Saturday was yesterday. I turn on the TV to verify the date and News 12 confirms my fear of today’s date, 7/23. The annual family cookout is being held tomorrow at the park. 4 pm sharp, don’t miss it! Did I skip work yesterday? No way, I would’ve gotten a call. My head is spinning at this point and I decide to lay down for a bit.

The sound of the news 12 anchorwoman echoes in my head. “This weekend is going to be a hot one. Anyone planning on traveling west towards the coast should take care to leave a little bit early because of heavy delays along all major highways.” 

I drift in and out of consciousness and finally give up. I’ve watched the sun rise through the skylight that is fixed above the couch. That big ball of fire has climbed straight into the center of the skylight. The big ball of fire is blinding me. The time is 8:30 according to my phone. I barely slept a wink. My mind was too busy trying to figure out if I was going batshit or if I was actually trapped in a temporal loop. I mean, that would be cool because then that would mean that time loops do exist but not cool because of the fact that I would be caught in one by myself. 

My phone buzzes to life with a message from Iz. “What are you talking about? Ladies night didn’t happen hunny.” I’m wigged. 

“Must’ve dreamt it! We need a night soon, hunnies.” I reply. 

“Ok Phoenix… This is the sitch, yesterday was Friday. You accidentally skipped work and today is Saturday. Wine night was just a dream because you have been missing Cree and Iz lately…” I am rambling to myself in the dark. Yes, that will spare my sanity. I drag myself off the couch since sleep isn’t happening. I step outside at around 9. Once again, the forest is roaring with life and so is the mother next door… 

“Brandy stop moving and put your damn flip flop on, we’re going to be late!”…. I need to leave.

I go to the store and begin piling snacks and random food items into my cart. It’s been a while since I’ve been food shopping so this is OK. 

“Ice cream and wine. Check.” I say to myself. Drink myself out of the loop. Yeah, that’ll work. I see this really cute girl staring intently at a box of Gushers. For a second, it’s as if my world isn’t imploding on itself and I’m just at the store looking at a beautiful girl I’d like to know. For some reason, she’s engrossed by these artificially flavored fruit snacks. It looks as if she’s deep in thought, something is on her mind so she is occupying the time with food shopping. She’s about my height; she’s got long and silky chocolate brown hair that’s pulled back into a messy bun. I realize that I’m staring at her with as much focus as she is at those Gushers. She feels my eyes and returns to reality, she glances at me. A subtle smirk spreads across her face as she looks me and my wine bottles up and down.

“The bigger the bottle the bigger the problem huh?” She jokes. 

“No bottle will solve this problem but at least it’ll make me forget about it.”

 She chuckles and walks away. I buy my wine bottles and go home to forget what day it is. 

Listen, I won’t lie, I like to party. I love day drinking. But cracking open a fresh bottle of wine the size of a bowling pin at 10 am by myself after realizing I may never live to see tomorrow is new for me. I can’t say I hate it. I sit on the couch. The News 12 anchor-bitch is still blabbering about the family cookout-- that is supposed to take place tomorrow-- too bad. I drunkenly type away on my laptop. Scouring the darkest corners of the internet to find out anything about time loops that exist outside of science fiction. Turns out, not many people who find themselves in my situation take to Reddit to write about it... I take notes from the Twilight Zone subreddit because at this point I’m desperate for answers. My quest for information bears no fruit. 

I did learn that a time loop is different from a causal loop, which would occur because of a previous event. My situation however, is anomalous and is unrelated to anything as far as I know. I’ve started a fresh note on my laptop titled “The Best Day Forever! :)).” This is where I dump everything I know about the situation. 

So far, I know that this loop resets but I don’t know the interval or the trigger. Things that I interact with seems to stay the same with the exception of people, they don’t remember our interactions. The coffee I made the first go around was still in the pot when I went for coffee round 2. People and things outside of my control reset as if they’re characters in a video game who have a script and a path. I begin thinking, dangerous thinking. 

“Why is this happening? Why to me?” I ask aloud as if someone is going to answer me. At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if I got an answer from some omniscient voice. 

“What is the point of all of this?” I ask out loud again. Then I begin to think of everything I had done leading up to the moment I woke up on the morning of July 23rd the first time. My memory is extremely fogged, almost non-existent. I’m struggling to produce even the vaguest memory of anything that happened before Saturday. Was it raining yesterday? Did I even leave my house yesterday? I don't know. 

Come to think of it I don't remember much of anything before Saturday. I don’t know how I got this house. I don't know who Iz and Cree are except that we’re friends and have wine nights pretty often--though they have been less frequent for some reason. I don’t know Carter…But I do. 

It’s as if these memories were fabricated. I remember the facts. I, Phoenix, own this house in this pacific northwestern town and I am a barista at a local coffee shop. I moved to this town after graduating-- in hopes to pursue my dream of opening my own shop and building a house in the forest. Anything beyond that is smudged. I can make out the memory if I hyper-focus. But even then it’s just the blueprint of a life, details are scarce. I’m spiraling, existential crisis mode has initiated and now I’m just stressed out and drunk at 1 in the afternoon. I need air.

 I step outside and check my phone. The time is exactly 1:27 pm and a blue Subaru drives down my road with a big old husky hanging out the window living his best life. I start down the road towards the forest.

[canaryatlaw]

alright. well. today was pretty good, despite the fact that I didn’t get to sleep in because I get to sleep in pretty much every other day anyway? (summer is wild, y’all). But yeah I woke up hella early because I left my window open last night since it was hot AF in my apartment (welcome to July with only a window A/C unit and not central air conditioning) and for some reason our neighbor has chickens???? why?? Idk, but they were making a lot of noise this morning and they woke me up, so I got up and closed the window and tried to fall back asleep but it wasn’t happening so I was like welp, guess I’m up now so I got my laptop and messaged Jess because we left off with plans at “text me when you wake up” but of course neither of us anticipated me actually being up this early voluntarily (or semi-voluntarily, I guess) so shortly afterwards I got dressed and she came and picked me up and we started our adventures for the day. The first stop was mcdonalds, because breakfast, and that’s like, the only place we get breakfast from lol. then we had semi-gps-woes and there was an asshole honking at us and then pulled up next to us and was being rude and I really wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves (as you learn to do in driver’s ed in New York) (I’m not kidding that was part of the program) but I knew it would make Jess anxious so like a good friend I did not do that. But we eventually progressed to Target, where we wasted time looking at clothing we did not intend on buying, then I got liquid plumbr (which is actually spelled like that) because the drain on our tub has not been working well, and picked up a prescription. I also needed to go to the post office because I had a super heavy box full of bar exam prep books I had to ship back to the bar prep company because they were the New York books and they just sent me the Illinois books so I had to send the NY ones back, because apparently they want them all back in the end even when they’re all marked up and shit??? Idk man. But since we were making our way to the apple store we aimed to go to a post office on the way south to that, and it ended up being somewhat close to wrigleyville and it was a game day which means parking was a mess, so Jess sat in the car with the hazards on while I ran inside to get this package sent as quickly as possible. It was totally empty at first with like nobody even behind the counter and I was like ?? but then a guy came up and was like “oh sorry I didn’t see you over there” because I was standing by the sign that said line up here but it conceivably could not have been in sight of where he was so no worries. Jess told me that if it was all books I could send it “media mail” and it would be a lot cheaper because it was super fucking heavy (when the same box filled with the equivalent books came it said it was 27 lbs) so it ended up being $14 instead of $25, so that was a win. From there we actually went down to the apple store, because last Sunday Jess’ gps on her phone stopped like responding to when you’re moving and like refusing to reroute if you deviate from the route it wants you to take like at all and these are of course problems when you rely on such things to get around the rather big city you live in, so we parked and walked inside, we hadn't made an appointment or anything so they said the wait time was gonna be like an hour to an hour and a half (which made me wonder if maybe I should’ve just ran down there with my Mac last Saturday after it got wet instead of just looking at appointments but whatever) but we could like walk around and they’d text when they were ready for us, so we went outside and looked at the surrounding stores, we were gonna go to starbucks at first but then realized they didn’t have any seating or bathroom which we were looking for at that point so we ended up going back into the apple store to use the bathroom since I knew how to do that from the time I was there a few weeks ago, then we walked over to where the forever 21 was nearby, it was a freestanding one, not like in a mall or anything, which I thought was kind of different from them, but whatever, it was a huge two story place so there was plenty to browse through. My weakness of course is floral dresses which I already own a shitton of but they have a million of this time of year and there was a really cute one on sale and it ended up being like more on sale than I even though originally so it came out to like $4.96 which I mean??? that’s pretty awesome, so I was pleased. after we shopped we walked back over towards the apple store where there was like some outdoor seating and chilled there for a bit, there was like little fountains next to us and there were some toddlers like getting their feet wet and playing and it was really cute. We were only out there for like ten minutes but I somehow mentioned to get like, a really intense sunburn on the back of my neck during that time, like I got a little on my arms which like okay that’s fine it makes sense but the back of my neck, which I mean I could feel the sun on while i sat there, but still, is like unreasonably red and I’m annoyed about this. But while we were sitting there I called the place that did have my computer, I had called them a few times already that morning but nobody had picked up so far, but they picked up this time and they were like “oh yeah it just came in like not even ten minutes ago, we just have to run some tests and you can pick it up in like 40 minutes” so I was like alright perfect! But yeah, then the apple store texted they were ready, so we went inside and waited some more, then finally talked to a guy who did some shit with settings and said it would probably work now, but of course because it was a gps problem we couldn't test it until we left, and we soon discovered that it did not fix it and the gps still didn’t work, so that sucks. The thing is this is the iPhone 6 that was my old phone before I got the 8 so now if this doesn’t work that’s obviously my fault for giving her a defective phone, and since we’ll be in New York this week anyway I know once my dad hears about it he’ll be like nah we’re buying you a new phone and that will be that, lol. So we departed from the apple store and stopped at a car wash quickly because someone ran into Jess’ car with a shopping cart (maybe? it looked like it could’ve been caused by that, it was just scratched not dented) so she wanted to get it cleaned and see what it actually looked like. So we did that, then went to the place which had my computer, but before going in we took a detour to the petsmart that was in that parking lot and looked at the lizards for a bit then went and looked at the cats they had up for adoption and they had a super cute little black and white kitten who was like 4 months old who was being really affectionate and I was just like.....my roommate definitely wouldn’t object if I came home with a cat because we’ve talked about this and almost adopted the cat that hangs out outside our building all the time before finding out she does actually have an owner and just likes to wander, so like, that wouldn’t be an issue haha but of course I resisted and we left to go to the computer store. They got it for me pretty quickly, and of course I just had to pay the $300 deductible for using apple care, so a very minimal amount of water spilling on my computer only cost me $300 to fix (😑) but I guess I shouldn’t really be complaining when it used to be that apple just wouldn’t even touch water damaged laptops and I basically would’ve had to just buy a new one, so that’s an improvement at least. We stopped at the Panera across the street from there and got some lunch, then we were pretty much done with everything, so Jess dropped me off and I first started setting up my computer since all the data got wiped from it, but thankfully I had a back up on my external hard drive from last September when I got this laptop (and I will definitely be backing it up on there more often now) so while I lost any data between now and then, I at least had a significant amount of stuff back, so that was very helpful. But yeah, I got that to set up and do all the updates and everything while I started my bar prep stuff for the day. It was pretty much all review outlines for different subjects and then do one set of practice questions based on the differences between Illinois’s (adding the extra s for possessive is consider correct in legal writing) evidence rules and the federal evidence rules, because part of the bar will test the federal ones and part of the bar will test the Illinois rules, so that’s fun. Then the rest of them were either outline and self grade or write out and self grade like 3 different essays. I admittedly haven’t been writing them all out, but I did my best to outline in at least getting the main points down on paper, which is really all I need because I know I can write, I’ve been writing bullshit essays since like middle school and if the grades I got on my law school finals are any indication, I’m rather good at it, so I was just more focusing on identifying the info they wanted you to get from the fact pattern to base the essays off, so I did that for the first two and did a fairly decent job getting all the points down. But then I turned to the last one and was like oh, I already did this one under the New York program I guess so I was effectively done at that point, which was nice to be done a bit earlier. I did more laptop shit for a while before making my way to the couch to look at some job prospects and hopefully apply to some places. I had collected a bunch of links to jobs I could apply for but had been waiting on the NY job (grrrr) to get back to me to apply, but I lost them all when my data got wiped, so I had to go back into the schools job finder thing and wade through all of those. There were a decent amount of them, most want at least some experience though or at least want an attorney who’s licensed already, so that cut them down a lot. I ended up sending in two applications, one for the state appellate defenders office, and I went into the sent file on my gmail and downloaded all the cover letters I’ve already submitted so I’ll have stuff to work with, it tends to be like copying one paragraph from one of them to another to create the optimal cover letter for this specific position, so I was of course pulling hard on the whole “my father is a criminal defense attorney and I grew up watching him and am always on the defense’s side” blah blah blah, and then railed a bit about how those who are wrongfully convicted and were basically railroaded by the system often get their trauma compounded even more through the appellate process, so I feel like that should be good at least. The other one was a trial attorney job but for a plaintiff’s personal injury firm, so I threw in some crap like “Since I was a child and accompanied my lawyer father to court, I’ve always wanted to be a trial attorney” and something about working some of those cases at his firm because he does do some cases that are like, more or less in that field, just on a different level (i.e. suing giant pharmaceutical companies for defective drugs instead of suing the guy who ran into your car) so I thought was good. I looked at some other options I might do soon but figured that was good for now. I didn’t do much else for the night, just watched Nailed It and did computer stuff before starting to get ready for bed. My eyes are rapidly closing and this post is already super long, so I’m gonna end here. Goodnight dears. Happy weekend.

[izzy-b-hands]

K screw it we’re talking about the TV show. I have an idea of a title, but it isn’t set in stone, but maybe I can tag it with that, so if you don’t wanna see this stuff you can blacklist it?? Y’know what, let’s go with this one: ‘aly’s show in progress’. I searched it first to make sure it doesn’t coincide with anything else on here as a tag, lol. 

If you guys read this all (and it is a lot, lol) and wanna talk about it, have thoughts, or just like the idea of it and wanna let me know, please do. Any feedback on this baby of mine makes me so happy. 

Also, I’ll throw the rest of this behind a cut so if I ramble it won’t take up as much room for y’all. 

Guys if I had a way to make this now, I so would. I even have bits of soundtracks ready to go (orchestral backing tracks--the theme song I keep hemming and hawing on who should create it, but probably not me, lol.) I know they say don’t share your stuff in progress, but right now this is such a far shot from ever being produced that I feel safe in talking about it (also because like with all my other works that I have planned to sell or produce, I’m getting copyright on just to be safe.)

So to be honest, I can’t recall how much I’ve written about it on here, and it is 12:30 AM and I can’t be bothered to search my own blog so we’re starting from scratch. 

Working title is Liminal Space--a show about people who have no reason to be together in the place they are, but that’s where they’ve ended up. For now, they can’t seem to leave (that’s elaborated on further in the series) and why would they--when food is somehow replenished, and money isn’t a concern to survive. Sure, the woods sometimes glow and strange people and creatures keep showing up, but every place has something weird, right?

Specifically, we focus on a set of adult characters-names come about within the first few episodes, but in the credits they are noted as their roles in what is essentially a drive thru town-an abandoned school, a two-level hotel/restaurant set up, a wildly unnecessary car sales lot and building, an abandoned cabin, woods, and a haunted house that magically appears one day. All of this facing a highway (the haunted house on one side of it, everything else on the other.) 

Our main cast consists of: 

The Kids--A boy and a girl, about six and ten respectively. They are literally found by the Waitress one day near the highway, and since no one appears to claim them, the town just sort of adopts them. This means everything from home schooling them about a world that no one else really remembers for sure, plus keeping them safe from the weird shit that goes on in the town. Is it a lot for two kids? Yeah, but they could have been dead on the edge of the highway, so things are pretty good overall for them. Not sure on who to cast for these either, since young kids might outgrow the roles pretty quick--plus they might not be in every episode, if only to allow for some scarier plot lines and more serious topics to be addressed. They end up rooming in the haunted house, via a secret tunnel and a plot line in one of the very first episodes.

The Waitress--unsure of cast member. It keeps rotating between various actresses and musicians, to be honest. She works at the restaurant/hotel, despite it never really having customers (except for a few episodes with guest stars.) Nobody questions how or why they keep it running--it gives her something to do, and she gets to chat up the Pianist (which is a big Plot Point later on in the series so I will only elaborate so far here lol.) Rooms at the restaurant/hotel, in whatever room will open each night (the keys to all the rooms aren’t always there.) 

The Pianist--Johannes. In part because I have no clue if he can play piano or not, but if he can’t then we get a silly in-joke here that the Pianist is supposed to play at the restaurant/hotel where the Waitress works...but then we never see him play it. This character is a lot of dry wit, and I feel like he’d carry that well. Rooms in the restaurant/hotel, sometimes in an actual room, sometimes under his piano on the floor if he’s writing music and no one (read: the Waitress) puts his ass to bed.

 A quick key thing to note about any cast members--they don’t have to change how they look outside of the show, aka no band members have to chop off their hair or anything like that to play their role. What they look like outside the show, is how their character appears. 

The Teacher--Henrik. He’s a little bit quieter a person, just like this character. He also seems to have a knack for reactions (aka every photo of him making a face or video of him rolling his eyes dramatically suggests he’s someone who can actually use his face to act and not overdo it.) That’s what I want from this character--when shit’s going down, he’s the book smart person in the room; he’ll help look up and figure out a solution, but we get to see him rolling his eyes or giving us some reaction that suggests he isn’t doing this passively (I also have some choice sarcastic lines for him--the ones that aren’t supposed to hit you until a beat has passed, then you and the other characters realize they just got burned horribly.) He is the one who gets to try and home school The Kids, despite only have a few books to work with--but he’s smart enough to teach them a lot of things without text books, and generally dislikes the ones they have since a. half of them are out of date and incorrect or b. show info from a universe that isn’t theirs and so aren’t useful. Rooms in the abandoned school, which he often makes repairs to himself (because they can’t exactly call out for a contractor to do so, and because he’s got the brains to not just fix but improve the building with what he has on hand.) 

The Man Out of Time (aka yes, a time traveler)-- John. I can’t quite explain why he feels like the best fit--the character came into my head, already as John. I can’t explain this character’s full deal without giving a full ep synopsis, but to give some summation--to save the town, he sacrifices his ability to travel back to his time. He’s a straight up good guy; he wants to help these people even though he ended up in their time and town on accident and barely knows them. He ends up residing in the abandoned cabin, as a happily accepted new neighbor. He’s a nice guy, plus that’s one more person to make sure The Kids aren’t accidentally killed by like, an inter-dimensional squid or something--that’s a nice bit of stress alleviation for all the other adults. 

The Car Salesmen--Jack Black and Charlie Day. A set of very panicky brothers, selling cars that have never worked (like, they literally have no engines or wheels...) But they insist that they are needed, and that the cars will work, when It comes for them. What is It? Why should they fear It? All anyone gets is panicked laughter as an answer, so they just roll with it all. Besides, who doesn’t like window shopping, even if the cars aren’t necessarily something you could ever use or buy? Everybody tries to be accepting and calming towards these two, who are almost always convinced that It is on the way. They mean well, the poor things. They room in the building of their car sales lot--there aren’t any display cars in it, so they can keep sleeping bags on the floor. 

The King--I swear to god, I thought up this character before Avatar Country came out. It is a pleasant coincidence that Kungen is who I chose for this role (in part because I mean...his nickname literally means The King. As of Avatar Country’s release, we have proof he is a good king. Why not keep a good thing going?) And he is literally a king--who shows up one day, claiming to be king of their town (that is really barely even quantifiable as a village.) No one knows what to make of it, so they roll with it, because he doesn’t actually make them act like much of subjects--he might ask for food randomly during the day from the Waitress, or ask them how the ransacking of neighboring towns is going (it isn’t, because no one ever leaves the town, but he never seems bothered by that.) Otherwise, he just likes to hang out and ask everyone what they’re doing and educate them on the Royal History--how and why he became king, what he’s done as king, etc. For a king, he’s down to earth and just likes to visit with people. Maybe he’s lonely--they’ll never know for sure. Rooms wherever he feels for each ep he’s in--but ends up a lot a the hotel/restaurant, as it has the most rooms of any building in town. Technically a series regular, but yet not--kind of like the Kids, in that sense. This is subject to change as I keep writing though; he’s ended up in a lot of eps so far, lol. 

The Waiter--Tim. Can’t fully reveal this character’s deal without major spoilers, but he plays a big part in the Waitress’ story arc (a no duh, per the character title, lol.) I needed someone who has good natural humor, good comedic timing, and can do good impressions (for a few episodes particular story arcs.) That, and someone who seems like they’d be up for a character with a weird backstory--not a bad one, The Waiter isn’t a villain, but it is a complicated one. Once he’s in the town though, things are good--and his character is well-liked, for a whole variety of reasons that again, if I elaborate on more I give away a bunch of Big Ass Plot Points. So maybe later, lol. Rooms at the hotel/restaurant, and works there too once his character is introduced. 

The Doctor--Brendon Small. Catchphrase is “I dunno, I’m not a doc...wait, I am. Still, I dunno.” A very tired physician who drove in one day to catch a cup of coffee after driving all night, then found after he left the restaurant his car was gone. One of the only citizens who isn’t wholly chill with being perpetually stuck in the town--he can sense something’s up with this place, but he can’t quite explain it. Despite his catchphrase, is actually a very good doctor--sometimes possessing knowledge of how to heal things he’s never seen or dealt with before, which kinda freaks him out. Rooms in the abandoned school with The Teacher--which leads to occasional shouting arguments between them, if only because you can’t always put two very smart and active minds together like that with time to spare to talk, and expect them not to argue over some things (like what the town would do if a plague rolled through, why don’t the Kids seem to grow at all, etc.) Despite this, they do enjoy each other’s company, really. 

Guest Stars consist of so many--like so many you guys. I can’t fully explain these all without giving away full episodes, and some I can’t even mention yet, so a lot of these are gonna be a bit of a mystery unless any of you guys want to message and talk plots: 

The Drifter--Rob Zombie

The Pianist’s Brother--Ville Valo 

The Fixers--the McElroy brothers, because these characters require chaotic weird energy and a variety of personalities, and I think they would have all that covered very well. What do they fix? Well, if I told you that I’d be giving something important away. 

Slash--as himself. Yes, really. He’s baffled as to why he was given directions (incorrectly) to this place, when it was supposed to be directions to a regular gig. 

The Skeleton in the Closet--Tobias, but in Papa I gear (provided he agrees to ‘reanimate’ the papas for this lol.) 

The Priest--Tobias, but in Papa II gear. Shows up to try and fellowship with them (for Lucifer, of course.) Ends up a bit disappointed and confused--not because they refuse to believe, but because he’s informed he just missed Lucifer by about five years. Its a fun episode, this one. 

The Flirt--Tobias, but in Papa III gear. Literally just Papa III being lost and utterly useless at reading a map to find his way elsewhere. Takes a liking to all the adults, aka all the adults are getting hit on (but will he actually sleep with any/all of them? That’s a secret for that particular plot synopsis.) Eventually gets on his way, but is missed. 

The Pied Piper--Tobias, as the Cardinal. Playing along with the Rats thing here a bit. But he doesn’t lead the Kids, nor rats out of the town--what is it then that he takes with him? Another Plot Point to remain hidden for now. 

The One of the Woods--Doug Jones. 

The Trickster--Taika Waititi. This isn’t even really a role, I’m more or less just asking Taika to come have fun for an episode and vamp it up. 

There’s more guest stars I’d love to note here, but if I do I again risk major spoilers that I’m not quite ready to give up, lol. More to come later, perhaps.For now, yes, three out of 12 are technically the same person. Tobias would hopefully be up for all of that, lol. 

Setting: Ideally, somewhere in Sweden, since by the time I get this anywhere near production I’ll hopefully have been living there for years. May as well keep it local, plus there are certain locations out there that I have in mind and want to use. But I’m open to other places--so long as it is appropriately creepy and deserted like. That is to say, the highway this town is by is only rarely busy. Otherwise they barely see cars, and the few they do see rarely stop. So essentially an abandoned highway is what I need, lol. 

I could go on here (even just about the soundtrack I’m working on) but I’ll stop because I think this is getting long. Like I said before, if anyone has feedback, or any interest in this and wants to talk about it--you’ll make my year if you let me know! If not, that’s cool too, but I’m sick of letting all this rattle about in my head--I want to share it and talk about it, even if I can’t make any of it happen right now!

[davewakeman]

Talking Tickets--22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More!

Hey! 

Thanks for being here again this week. If you are enjoying this newsletter, tell your friends and colleagues to sign up by visiting this link.

Heading into the long weekend in the States, if that really even matters right now…here’s a video that came my way of The National performing a set around the time of their album, High Violet, which is excellent. I’m guessing that they won’t be playing their show at Wolf Trap, but if something changes…I’m there.

I had a chance to participate during Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet on Tuesday along with Anthony Esposito and a few others from different areas of the industry. You can watch the replay here.

Don’t forget Happy Hour with me and Ken Troupe this afternoon. Ken has fixed the technology and we can definitely have more than 6 people or whatever crazy number kept getting folks bounced that one week.

To the tickets!

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1. Events Are Starting To Come Back With Drive-Ins and Social Distancing: 

In the span of a few moments, we went from having the first social distance concert to having it postponed, to having it back on again. Then we had a drive-in show with 600 cars!

While all of this is positive, the cluster developing at Bryant Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa shows that we still have to be cautious with our expectations and with the speed of being able to bring events back online and things back to normal.

Casinos in Las Vegas and Mississippi are going to be coming back soon. These aren’t live events, but I do think they will provide us an opportunity to learn about what safe openings and safe gatherings will look like or can look like.

The same can be said for the opening of museums, parks, and other places where folks gather to see art, hangout, and commune. Though I do wonder how marathons and big races are going to manage to come back in the near term…if you’ve never run the NYC marathon or seen it, social distancing is tough.

Th0ugh if you’ve never run the NYC marathon, put that on your bucket list.

All of this highlights the need to continue to watch what other countries are doing, try to learn best practices and to be cautious but creative like these mixed events in Norway. 

2. We will come back, but what will that look like? 

If the coronavirus has taught us anything in the States is that if you don’t have a lobbyist, you don’t have much of a chance of anything.

So far, live entertainment has been hurt about as much as any industry and we don’t have anything to show for it. Regular folks, are in the same boat for the most part. Maybe we should all go into banking or lobbying…

I did do some nerd reading this week and found an interesting piece about neoliberal economic policy and the coronavirus that put a few ideas into my head that I think we can all learn from in this crisis:

* The ideas lying around are important. * What is feasible and likely can change pretty quickly. * Ultimately, ideas change the world.

For all of us, this means a few important things…

* First, push our ideas of helping live entertainment recover. Countries around the world have varying plans for doing just that. In America, we definitely need to continue to push that agenda. My neighbor is a lobbyist and he’s explained the dark arts to me and I’ve worked on a presidential campaign, so I understand how ridiculous the whole process can seem and feel from the outside…and it is, just the people in the middle of it can’t let their own self-importance get in the way of recognizing how ridiculous it is.

* No idea is a crazy idea. You need crazy ideas to come up with workable solutions…look at the stuff above with drive-ins and social distance concerts.

* Show up and do the work. I’ve been talking about change, innovation, and evolution for my entire career…this stuff doesn’t come easy and it doesn’t come fast, but to give up now in the face of the need for innovation is just crazy. The industry needs everyone to be smarter, more thoughtful, and more creative.

I’ll cover economic models and ideas in point 5.

3. Football, Futbol, Soccer Saves Us?! 

Have you picked your Bundesliga team yet?

I’m still sticking with Bayern Munich because of their connection to Oktoberfest and beer!

Did y’all get a chance to catch any of the action from Germany over the weekend? I liked Haaland’s socially distanced goal celebration, but I have to say it was still weird watching football without fans.

On top of the Bundesliga, we also are going to see the return of the Liga FPD as well. (That’s the Costa Rican soccer league.) (ESPN will be showing their games.) (My team is Limon FC…I’ll explain over drinks sometime.)

The French league has already declared Paris Saint-Germain winners, but most of the other leagues around the world are attempting to finish their seasons with the Champions League looking to finish by August.

In the Premier League, we are seeing a lot of caution.

But it will be great to see the EPL return since all of Spurs injured players are back…but we all long for the return of home-field advantage. 

In South Korea, there was a little story that likely gives folks a bit to think about with “unique” partnerships!?

And, if the Grand Final can have fans, I’m hoping that I can be there.

A couple things here:

* I’m glad to have sports back to watch. * Keep paying attention to what is working and what isn’t. * Constantly ask yourself what you are learning from all of these experiences and these events so that you come out of this stronger than before.

4. Arts Have Always Come Back, Yeah! 

I’ve been saying it for months now, people will come back eventually. To think otherwise is to laugh in the face of thousands of years of recorded history.

The challenge in the short term is what will this coming back look like, how quickly will folks feel comfortable, how many financial challenges will we be dealing with, and whether or not we get the marketing challenge correct.

This virus and the financial conditions created by the shutdown of economies around the world have created the most challenging environment for the arts and entertainment in any of our lifetimes, true fact. But the virus and the financial crisis has also highlighted a lot of bad business practices, poor business models, and the need for more innovative thinking any many places.

The challenges that everyone are dealing with aren’t unique to one area of the industry. I mean, movie theatres, musuems, and bars are feeling the pinch as well. Everyone is in the entertainment and hospitality industry.

In speaking at Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet event this week, I come back to a couple of ideas that seem to sum up where my thinking is this week:

* Creativity and innovation need to be at the front of everyone’s thinking. * Cooperation is going to be key to being successful going forward. * There won’t be a one-size-fits-all plan or approach to coming out of this. And, we have to recognize that earlier rather than later.

5. The Way To Generate Revenue Is Going To Need Some Attention: 

I’m doing a webinar on Tuesday, 26 May with Frederic Aouad from Stay 22 on revenue and creating revenue opportunities now.

Two sessions: 9 AM EDT and 2 PM EDT. We wanted to give folks a chance to join if they were in markets outside of the US or mainland Europe.

The genesis of the idea came out of someone grabbing my notes off the stand at INTIX in Dallas and how I had to come up with a presentation on revenue on the fly. 

Revenue numbers have been in the news a lot the last few weeks as we saw Adam Silver talk about how about 40% of the NBA’s money comes from fans going to games. This week, we saw MLB’s owners share that playing games without fans will cost about $640,000 in losses per game!

I’d always thought the NFL had a little less reliance on in-game revenue, but a report this week put the number at around 38%.

For minor league sports, the threat is even more severe.

So we see that tons of money is still tied up in getting people to get into the games when they are played.

Which really begs a serious question: if getting fans into the stadium is so important, why has the sales and marketing models of the teams in the States been stagnant for so long?

The hard truth is that in Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and many other markets, the creativity to capture more of their fan base has existed for a lot of time and we have to get on-board. I had David Fowler on my podcast before the lockdowns started, but he appeared on Richard Clarke’s podcast this week and talked about his ideas in the context of the coronavirus and I think listening to these guys can be useful. David’s big three are content, creativity, and community.

This all comes up in light of the need to rethink where the money comes in from, this week Kirk Wakefield wrote up a piece about how little folks actually notice sponsors during games. Which was paired with the idea that MLB teams might cover seats with sponsored tarps to help recapture some revenue from not having fans in the ballpark.

And, don’t even get me started on “impressions”, “likes”, and that sort of thing that is basically meaningless but easy to measure. Even though there have been lawsuits about the accuracy of a lot of these social web measurements.

Revenue going forward is going to need a lot of thought, but I’ll offer up three things to consider now:

* The way tickets are marketed and sold needs some serious attention. The folks that have invested in their fans over the years are the exceptions that prove the rule. We all need to rethink marketing and selling practices…which should have been a priority before but when you could just easily raise prices, sell to brokers and consolidators, and fall back on “tickets distributed” as the way you reported attendance…YOLO!

* Investigating where folks are doing things better or where we can learn is going to create a lot of opportunities. What can we all learn from a professional services brand? What can we learn from the school bake sale? A nonprofit? There are millions, or more, examples to learn from.

* I said this in a very pointed way that was likely a bit ruder than I wanted to say it at INTIX in Dallas, but none of us are limited in the way that we make money and generate revenue…we are limited by our creativity and that’s the biggest challenge we are dealing with, limiting our creativity to predetermined ideas and solutions. And, I get it, there are real challenges facing everyone right now, but that should cause everyone to be a lot more creative.

As MJ said, “BREAK!”

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What am I up to this week?

Check out my webinar with Frederic and the folks from We Will Recover. I’m working on getting two or three exclusive blog posts and articles up on the We Will Recover site from some of the smarties I know from around the world including a really great piece from my friend, Georgia, down in Sydney.

The podcast is sitting there with over 100 episodes. I’ve been trying to think about what form, if any, it takes going forward and I’ve come up with an idea now that I think will work for me and offer value to all of y’all. I’m going to focus on the future and I’m going to bring in more folks from my work on strategy and marketing that don’t always touch the world of entertainment as a way to introduce more ideas and a different viewpoint.

Visit my site, www.davewakeman.com.

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Talking Tickets–22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More! was originally published on Wakeman Consulting Group

[the-panic-the-static]

199: I was born in: 1998 198: I am really: shy 197: My cellphone company is: A1 196: My eye color is: blue 195: My shoe size is: 40 EU/9 US 194: My ring size is: wtf idk  193: My height is: 1,70 m/5′7″ 192: I am allergic to: nothing 191: My 1st car was: Citroen 190: My 1st job was: it was a summer job, sales assistant 189: Last book you read: - 188: My bed is: comfortable 187: My pet: - 186: My best friend: Sam 185: My favorite shampoo is: Inecto Naturals Coconut Shampoo! 184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox 183: Piggy banks are: sweet? idk 182: In my pockets: what 181: On my calendar: dates 180: Marriage is: unnecessary 179: Spongebob can: blow bubbles 178: My mom: is beautiful

177: The last three songs I bought were? It was an album, and idk which one

176: Last YouTube video watched: it was a game play 175: How many cousins do you have? 19 174: Do you have any siblings? yeah, one sister! 173: Are your parents divorced? no 172: Are you taller than your mom? I am 171: Do you play an instrument? No 170: What did you do yesterday? I was having dinner with a friend and played games! [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: not love, sympathy 168: Luck: kinda 167: Fate: no 166: Yourself: no 165: Aliens: no 164: Heaven: no 163: Hell: no 162: God: no 161: Horoscopes: no 160: Soul mates: no 159: Ghosts: no 158: Gay Marriage: I don’t believe in any marriage 157: War: no 156: Orbs: what 155: Magic: no [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: either 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: huh? 151: Red heads or Black haired: either 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: COLD 148: Summer or winter: WINTER 147: Autumn or Spring: AUTUMN 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: depends, but in general night 144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: straight 142: McDonalds or Burger King: neither 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate! 140: Mac or PC: PC 139: Flip flops or high heals: boots! 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly, sweet and poor please 137: Coke or Pepsi: neither 136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 135: Burried or cremated: cremated 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who 131: Small town or Big city: small town near a big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: I’ve never been at any of them 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither 128: Manicure or Pedicure: ?? 127: East Coast or West Coast: BITCH I’M FROM EUROPE IDK 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: idk, I don’t enjoy both tbh 125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers! 124: Disney or Six Flags: uhhhhh 123: Yankees or Red Sox: Those questions are way too american [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: too much 121: George Bush: wtf, idk 120: Gay Marriage: I don’t believe in marriage 119: The presidential election: SORRY BUT IDK 118: Abortion: I’d never do it and so should neither of us 117: MySpace: don’t have 116: Reality TV: waste of money and time 115: Parents: I LOVE THEM 114: Back stabbers: GO TO HELL 113: Ebay: idk? 112: Facebook: good for the latest news about music/games! 111: Work: everyone should work 110: My Neighbors: don’t know them  109: Gas Prices: too fucking high over here 108: Designer Clothes: pretty often just waste of money 107: College: EVERYONE SHOULD GO IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT 106: Sports: Important! I wish I wasn’t that lazy though 105: My family: I love 104: The future: I’m scared of it [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: 8 days ago 102: Last time you ate: yesterday evening 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: 2 weeks ago 100: Cried in front of someone: 8 days ago haha 99: Went to a movie theater: uggghh I really can’t remember, it’s been too long 98: Took a vacation: an week ago 97: Swam in a pool: uhm.. like, 8, 9 years ago 96: Changed a diaper: like 2, 3 years ago 95: Got my nails done: yesterday 94: Went to a wedding:I really can’t remember 93: Broke a bone: never 92: Got a peircing: when I was 15 91: Broke the law: idk 90: Texted: I’m texting with you rn  [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: some awesome dude called Daniel 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my XBox :( 87: The last movie I saw: I think it was Memento! I’m not too sure though 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: visiting my friends in Australia/US 85: The thing im not looking forward to: IDK 84: People call me: Jana 83: The most difficult thing to do is: ONE of it, listening to music while studying 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: Gemini 80: The first person i talked to today was: Daniel 79: First time you had a crush: ugggh when I was 11? I guess, idk 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Sam 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: what, idk 76: Right now I am talking to: Daaaaaaniel 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: what is this question about HELP 74: I have/will get a job: soon, hopefuly 73: Tomorrow: I will bake a cake! 72: Today: was hella boring 71: Next Summer: IDK 70: Next Weekend: D: 69: I have these pets: - 68: The worst sound in the world: NOISY EATING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex 66: People that make you happy: MY FRIENDS 65: Last time I cried: 2 days ago 64: My friends are: GREAT I LOVE Y’ALL 63: My computer is: I have a laptop 62: My School: I’M DONE WITH FUCKING SCHOOL 61: My Car: Citroen 60: I lose all respect for people who: HURT OTHERS  59: The movie I cried at was: never cried at one I think 58: Your hair color is: darkbrown/black 57: TV shows you watch: none 56: Favorite web site: probably tumblr or youtube 55: Your dream vacation: the northern European countries 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I had something like kidney failure in 2012 53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t really eat steaks 52: My room is: small and cleaned 51: My favorite celebrity is: JON 50: Where would you like to be: Somewhere where it’s cold! 49: Do you want children: I don’t think so 48: Ever been in love: yeah 47: Who’s your best friend: Sam 46: More guy friends or girl friends: Only guy friends except for one  45: One thing that makes you feel great is: GAMING 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: youuuu 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I don’t even know what to do tomorrow 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no 41: Have you pre-named your children: no 40: Last person I got mad at: IDK 39: I would like to move to: - 38: I wish I was a professional: gamer  [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: idk, I like ice cream if that counts 36: Vehicle: idkkk 35: President: what 34: State visited: I’ve never been to the US  33: Cellphone provider: idc? 32: Athlete: what 31: Actor: what 30: Actress: what 29: Singer: JONATHAN DAVIS 28: Band: KORN 27: Clothing store: - 26: Grocery store: - 25: TV show: - 24: Movie: caaaaan’t choose one 23: Website: tumblr/youtube 22: Animal: dogs! 21: Theme park: - 20: Holiday: idkkk 19: Sport to watch: I don’t watch sport 18: Sport to play: SAME 17: Magazine: Metal Hammer probably idk 16: Book: - 15: Day of the week: Saturday I guess 14: Beach: HATE 13: Concert attended: RAMMSTEIN! 12: Thing to cook: don’t have one 11: Food: I love Sushi 10: Restaurant: - 9: Radio station: I don’t listen to the radio 8: Yankee candle scent: what, idk 7: Perfume: at the moment, Thierry Mugler Alien it’s sooooo good 6: Flower: I just love all flowers! 5: Color: black EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT A COLOUR I KNOW, IDK I DO WHAT I WANT 4: Talk show host: - 3: Comedian: - 2: Dog breed: West Highland White Terrier! They’re so cute 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? YEAH

FINALLY. Thank you, Daniel!

[sheilacwall]

Kanye West & Numerology as Jesus the King Hits #1

Kanye West & Numerology as Jesus the King Hits #1

Has the album been well received? I’d say a resounding yes. Here are the numbers.

Jesus is King Record Sales

Jesus the King just debuted at #1 in the US, Canadian, Australian, NZ & Norwegian charts whilst entering at #2 in the UK & Irish charts.

Jesus Is King opened at number one on the US Billboard 200 with 264,000 album-equivalent units, of which 109,000 were pure album sales.

The chart-topping position stood as the sixth time that West did so with an album in the 2010s, tying him for second place with fellow rapper Future and Canadian singer Justin Bieber for most number one albums of the decade. The album simultaneously entered atop the US Top Christian Albums and Top Gospel Albums charts.

All 11 of Kanye West’s songs debuted on the latest Hot 100:

Rank, Title

No. 7, “Follow God” No. 17, “Closed on Sunday” No. 19, “Selah” No. 23, “On God” No. 33, “Everything We Need” feat. Ty Dolla $ign & Ant Clemons No. 36, “God Is” No. 37, “Use This Gospel” feat. Clipse & Kenny G No. 44, “Every Hour,” feat. Sunday Service Choir No. 50, “Water,” feat. Ant Clemons No. 59, “Hands On,” feat. Fred Hammond No. 62, “Jesus Is Lord”

West is among the most critically acclaimed musicians of the 21st century and one of the best-selling music artists of all time with over 140 million records sold worldwide.

He has won a total of 21 Grammy Awards, making him one of the most awarded artists of all time and the most Grammy-awarded artist of his generation.

Kanye’s Evolution

Kanye is a year older than me and like me, he had to move to another country as a child due to his parents’ job. For him it was China at age 10 years old as his mother found a teaching job abroad, for me it was the USA at age 9.

It seems like he had a similar problem I had at school with the same outcome.

“China was a time where me and my mom spent the most time together, we spent a year together, and she used to homeschool me. I was in school and I wasn’t doing so good, but it was actually because I was bored and after she homeschooled me I did so good on the tests they put me two grades above in a lot of different courses.”

I read that before Donda West passed away, his mother had recounted tales of a young Kanye break dancing on the streets for yangrouchuan (lamb skewers) for small change.

Mrs. West said that although she found the language difficult, her son found it amusing that the word ma meant both “mother” and “horse” depending on how it was pronounced. “He played that to the hilt,” she recalled in her book.

I remember using the word “rubber” in America, when I’d made a mistake writing something down and the kids laughing. Rubber means “condom” in America and the word you need is “eraser”. I think I played that to the hilt after that as well.

You probably know that Tupac’s parents were Black Panthers. You might be surprised to know that Ray West, Kanye’s dad, was also an ex-Black Panther and is now a Christian counsellor.

So, it is not that surprising that Kanye is following in his father’s footsteps away from his rebellious side to a more Christian role now that he is a father of four. In his interview with Zane Lowe, he says he’s drawing inspiration for a more secular role due to his daughter’s love of the Church.

The Number 27

Jesus is King clocks in at 27 min and 4 secs. Why?

What is the meaning behind number 27?

27 is an interesting number and it is the perfect cube of 3 x 3 x 3. Dark matter is assumed to make up 27% of the universe and also makes up 90% of the brain (grey matter).

27 just happens to be the number of books in the New Testament & there are also 27 Nakṣatra or lunar mansions in Hindu astrology.

Number 27 is the atomic number of cobalt & the atomic weight of the only stable isotope of aluminum. Both forms of these metals are used in dentistry. Kanye had his mouth wired shut after a car accident in 2003 after which he recorded, “Through the Wire”.

27 is also the number of bones in the hand – See “Hands On” below.

From Affinity Numerology:

The numerology number 27 is about philanthropy and compassion in a cooperative atmosphere.

The number 27 is a wonderful number. The energies it represents makes the number kind-hearted, tolerant, intelligent, a team worker, and so very much wanting to see humanity better off than it is.

27 endeavors to inspire others to support humanitarian groups and organizations, using its diplomatic skills and enticing them with a vision of an ideal. The groups and organizations are carefully chosen for their effectiveness.

A sense of fulfillment for 27 comes with others adopting its sense of idealism and actively helping to achieve that end.

The 27 essence contains:

the 9’s essence, such as being non-judgemental, humanitarian, and tolerant, plus a generous dose of the 2’s essence, such as cooperation, relationships, and diplomacy, and a dose of the 7’s essence, such as introspection, study, and spirituality.

The result is a unique essence.

https://affinitynumerology.com/number-meanings/number-27-meaning.php

According to the Secret of the Tarot…

Angel number 27 is a sign from your angels concerning your soul mission or calling in life. Our guardian angels are always there to provide us with the support and inspiration necessary to live up to our highest potential.

Angel number 27 is all about living a purpose-driven life. When you see this potent angel number appearing in your daily life, know that your angels and the Ascended Masters are telling you to have faith and trust that you are on the right path.

https://thesecretofthetarot.com/angel-number-27/

On Finding God

First scare: car crash

Kanye was taken to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, mentioned in the song, Through the Wire, as “the same hospital where Biggie Smalls died,” and had his jaw wired to his face in reconstructive surgery. Two weeks after being admitted to hospital, he recorded the song at the Record Plant Studios with his jaw still wired shut. Consequence recalls West started rapping the lyrics to the song three days after the accident.

The song’s title refers to the wires used to hold his broken jaw together. When asked about how the incident changed his music, West stated:

Well, the only thing this accident’s saying is, “I am about to hand you the world, just know at any given time I can take it away from you.” To nearly lose your life, to nearly lose your mouth, your voice, your whole face, as a rapper…and I had to be on TV! My face looks crazy to me now… But I have to just thank God for the situation that I am in… “Through The Wire” is the worst thing that could’ve possibly happen to me, and now it’s obviously the best thing. Look how it exploded!

Second scare: Trump Backlash

Backlashes over his erratic behaviour, the anniversary of his mum’s death, his wife getting robbed, his comments on slavery & his support of Trump all proved to be too much emotionally and put him in a hospital. No-one knows quite for sure what happened in the hospital, but he has emerged as a born-again Christian.

There are many, many problems with taking the bible literally and Kanye proves another one in the video above when he talks about taking his own eye out.

I googled it & it looks like this is from Matthew 5:29 and concerns “adultery”:

New International Version “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

Selah

Selah is likely to mean “to praise” or “pause and reflect upon what has just been said.” Lauryn Hill used this name for her daughter.

“Selah” is the name of a city from the time of David and Solomon.

In Islam and in Arabic generally, Salah (also pronounced Ṣalāt) means prayer, and Selah means connection. Both words come from the same original root Sel which means connect.

‘Ye makes a number of references to the bible when talking about freedom from slavery in Selah.

“Closed on Sunday” makes a good point about Capitalism, but, why is he still brand name dropping a junk food store, Chic Fil-A, a fast food chicken chain?

Did he get paid to sneak this in or is he looking for sponsors?

It’s also a sneaky back reference to a line in “N***as in Paris” when he was in a different mindset. Maybe he is trying to tie a past hit record to this song. A powerful mind trick.

“She said ‘Ye can we get married at the mall? I said look you need to crawl ‘fore you ball Come and meet me in the bathroom stall And show me why you deserve to have it all (Ball so hard) that shit cray, (that shit cray) ain’t it Jay? (Ball so hard) what she order? (What she order?) Fish fillet”

“On God” is where he gets the realest, actually raps and he gives his reasons why he supports Trump… and it comes down to… taxes & prison reform (lines highlighted in bold below).

“”How you get so much favor on your side?” “Accept Him as your Lord and Saviour,” I replied Thou shalt love thy neighbor, not divide I’ma ride, that’s on God His light shine the brightest in the dark Single mothers know they got my heart And all my brothers locked up on the yard You can still be anything you wanna be Went from one in four to one in three Thirteenth amendment, gotta end it, that’s on me He the new commander and the chief That’s on Keef, that’s on God Before the ranch, I had horses in the garage When the Forbes cover was just a mirage They had me chasin’ statues, that’s on pride “Oh my God,” Bust said that’s on Tribe When I thought the Book of Job was a job The Devil had my soul, I can’t lie Life gon’ have some lows and some highs Before the Grammy’s ever gave a nod I wore my heart on my sleeve, I couldn’t hide In ’03, they told me not to drive I bleached my hair for every time I could’ve died But I survived, that’s on God I’ve been tellin’ y’all since ’05 The greatest artist restin’ or alive That’s on L.A. Reid, that’s on Clive That’s no Jive, that’s on God Off the 350s He supplied The IRS want they fifty plus our tithe Man, that’s over half of the pie I felt dry, that’s on God That’s why I charge the prices that I charge I can’t be out here dancin’ with the stars No, I cannot let my family starve I go hard, that’s on God”

“Hands On” is another interesting record.

This is what a police office often yells whilst pulling people over for DWB – “Hands on the hood”!

‘Ye points out the unfairness of black people being thrown into prison over misdemeanors and the three strike rule. Then he calls out the 13th amendment again.

“Got pulled over, see the brights What you doin’ on the street at night? Wonder if they’re gonna read your rights Thirteenth Amendment, three strikes Made a left when I should’ve made a right Told God last time on life Told the devil that I’m going on a strike Told the devil when I see him, on sight I’ve been working for you my whole life Told the devil that I’m going on a strike I’ve been working for you my whole life Nothing worse than a hypocrite Change, he ain’t really different He ain’t even try to get permission Ask for advice and they dissed him Said I’m finna do a gospel album What have you been hearin’ from the Christians? They’ll be the first one to judge me Make it feel like nobody love me They’ll be the first one to judge me Feelin’ like nobody love me Told people God was my mission What have you been hearin’ from the Christians? They’ll be the first one to judge me Make it feel like nobody love me Make you feel alone in the dark and you’ll never see the light Man, you’re never seein’ home and you never see the domes I can feel it when I write, point of livin’ in the right If they only see the wrongs, never listen to the songs Just to listen is a fight, but you booked me for the fight It’s so hard to get along if they only see the slight From the love of religion What have you been hearin’ from the Christians? They’ll be the first one to judge me Make it seem like nobody love me I’m not tryna lead you to Visas But if I try to lead you to Jesus We get called halfway believers Only halfway read Ephesians Only if they knew what I knew, uh I was never new ’til I knew of True and living God, Yeshua The true and living God (Somebody pray for me)”

The 13th Amendment

Passed by Congress on January 31, 1865, and ratified on December 6, 1865, the 13th amendment abolished slavery in the United States and provides that “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

Some prisoners in eight states—Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Texas—are not paid at all for their labor in government-run facilities.

The national average for inmates receiving the least compensation for their maintenance work in these prisons is 14 cents per hour, according to the non-profit Prison Policy Initiative. The countrywide average for those receiving the most for the same type of labor is 63 cents per hour. Inmates in Minnesota and New Jersey can receive the highest hourly rate for prison maintenance jobs: $2 per hour.

Note: Kanye wants prison labourers to make his shoes. It will be interesting to see what he will pay them.

Anyway, back to the music. Kanye employs Jewish saxophonist Kenny G on “Use This Gospel”, but fortunately for Kenny, there is no mention of Jesus on the track. I wonder how much flack Kenny G will get from the Jewish fundamentalists for appearing on the track?

It’s seems to me like Kanye wants to sit back and be a director, producer and preacher now whilst letting someone else take over with the rapping and singing.

I think being a rapper was getting in the way of his “mission”. Creating a church will increase his power and wealth to get done what he wants to get done… whatever that is.

I can imagine youtube being flooded over the coming years with covers such as this. He wants his music received by a much larger audience and after watching the Dame Dash interview with Adam22, it looks like this might have all been orchestrated for a long time.

Let’s see if he continues down this path and where it leads or whether he’s still “on strike with the Devil” and will be back to his old self. It seems to me at the moment, his biggest hurdle will be getting his wife on board with this new lifestyle.

I can think of a few places Kanye will be welcome with open arms right now though, such as The Philippines.

I feel like this album is a stocking filler for later albums. He’s just testing the water to see which ones connect with the public. I’m not sure the songs on this album are strong enough to stand the test of time, but I think this is just a warm up, plus it will get major airplay in the “Bible Belt”, especially “Use This Gospel”.

The post Kanye West & Numerology as Jesus the King Hits #1 appeared first on Hip Hop World Music.

from Hip Hop World Music https://hiphopworldmusic.com/kanye-west-numerology-as-jesus-the-king-hits-1/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=kanye-west-numerology-as-jesus-the-king-hits-1 from Hip Hop World Music https://hiphopworldmusic.tumblr.com/post/188838310368

[jacethegaymer]

JoneexPascal How they meet (Joscal is the ship name!)

[ Please no hate on this ship!]Pascal is just reading a book to himself all about Alien cause he is gonna be a dad soon and than he heard a crash outside his house

“What the heck was that?!” Pascal gasped and ran to see what happened

He saw a Girl and her Moving truck has a flat tire and she can’t get it to work and Pascal walked to her to see what happened

“Hey you okay? I heard the crash” he asked the girl Which she was like maybe somewhere in her late 20’s and She has short hair and Glasses with brown eyes and had a little girl with her who had brown long hair and blue eyes

“Yes I am fine just the tire busted open!” She said kinda Panic way and angry mood

“Hey um my name’s Pascal Curious by the way!” He smiles as he shooked her hand

“My name is Jonee Broke I just moved here from Belladonna Cove cause my Husband died from a fire” She said

“Sorry for your loss and anyways who’s this little girl?” He smiled at the baby

“Oh! That’s Renee she’s a month old and reason why we moved to Strangetown is I needed to find a place of my own.” She said while holding Renee

“Oh! That house across from the Smiths is for sale is that the one you were going to move in” he asked when he saw the “sold out” sign on the House next to his sisters house

“Yes! Um anyways I still need a ride..”

“Don’t worry! I have a car you can put your moving stuff in the trunk and I help you move over there!”

“Omg! Thanks! Anyways umm.. what’s that bump?” She asked confused way

“Yeah about Strangetown um.. there is a lot of Aliens and Alien Abduction So I am pregnant with an Alien Baby! I am about maybe 37 weeks?” He said

“Cool!” She said

Few hours later Pascal helped Jonee get settled in at her house and Pascal decided to talk to her

“Hey um I was wondering if you want to come to dinner at my h-house tonight my brothers won’t be home though Vidcund will be out studying and Lazlo has to work over time?” He asked her

“Sure I have to find a baby sitter for Renee!”

“Coolio!” Said Pascal

It was 8:00 and Pascal and Jonee are in The dining room at The Curious Brothers Home and and they had Chilli Con Carne and they chatted about the Alien baby and more about herself

“Well I am 28 and I am in the Paranormal Career and I like scientist and I actually love alien babies!” Jonee said

“Awesome! I am a scientist my self!”

“Cool!”

Pascal started to blush real deeply now cause he notice She was in a cute outfit and he feel like he was gonna have a attack

“So a—anyways you look cute..!”

“Thanks and Pascal I know what’s going on..” she said when she looked at him

“W-What is it?!” He felt like he may pee himself cause he was all blushing and trying to hide his face from her

“You like me don’t you?”

“Yes Jonee ever since I met you you look pretty and seem caring!” Pascal blushes

“Come closer” Pascal said and getting ready to pucker the lips

Jonee and Pascal came closer and kissed for the first time until..

“WHOA! PASCAL! I DID NOT EXPECT YOU KISSING THE NEW NEIGHBOR!” Shouted Vidcund his other brother

“WHOOO! My bros got a girl!” Whooped Lazlo his youngest brother

“Vidcund? Lazlo!? Go AWAY please!” Pascal yelled at them and pointed them to go to bed

“Sure!” Lazlo said

“Uh....” Groaned Vidcund

Jonee and Pascal started to kiss again but than Pascal got up

“Um Jonee? If me and you started dating you have to be the mother of my Alien Child so will you? I asked Nervous but Circe said he is “teaching” him”

Jonee nodded and held her purse “Call me if you need me okay?”

“Okay!” Pascal sighed and went to bed and put on his Pajamas and laid down

“Yup little one that’s gonna be your new mother and she is nice so far!”

Lazlo Shouted in the background “PASCAL AND JONEE SITTING IN A TREE—“ Pascal interrupted Lazlo

“FINISH THAT SONG I FINISH YOU!” Pascal yelled

“Sorry you had to hear that little one” as he rubbed his stumach and chuckled

“Can’t wait to meet Her again...” Pascal sighed with love and went to sleep

MESSAGE FROM THE ADMIN!

Hey guys The Admin of the Account here now look I KNOW some of y’all ship Pascal and Nervous but I wanted Pascal to find a girl who understood him and know what he is going through and he loved Jonee ever since they met!

REMINDER! JoneexPascal aka Joscal Story will be our 2 times a week! Every Wednesday and Friday!

Remember you can ask Pascal or Jonee questions on this account and they will answer them! Anyways have a good Wednesday/Thursday!

Tootles Simmers! Love ya!

[samanthasroberts]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

Read Next

How The 'Last Of Us 2' Trailer Ruined A Sure Thing

On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 Unnecessarily Horrifying Episodes Of Beloved Kids Shows and 5 Inexplicably Creepy Episodes of Family Friendly TV Shows.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The Darkest Episode of an 80’s Sitcom Ever, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. Boo!

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/

[adambstingus]

The 5 Best Halloween Episodes You Should Watch Tonight

Happy Halloween, everyone! How you choose to celebrate this most blessed of holidays is up to you. Some of you will drink pumpkin beer until you poop jack o’ lanterns, some of you will take your children trick-or-treating, and some of you will sit on the couch and absorb horror films. But if I can make a suggestion for that last group: In between your annual viewings of Halloween 4: The One Where Michael Myers’ Mask Looks Like Total Dogshit and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III: Not That Bad, Actually, consider watching some Halloween-themed TV episodes. Because while movies are great for frights, there are a few TV shows that actually capture the spirit of Halloween. For example …

5

The Office: “Employee Transfer”

The year is 2008. The place is every theater in the known world. The movie is The Dark Knight. And the thought that’s going through four billion heads simultaneously is “I know what I’m going to be for Halloween this year.”

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On October 31, 2008, you couldn’t throw a Batarang without hitting someone dressed in a Heath Ledger Joker outfit. The simple act of going outside was an invitation for swarms of people in purple sweatpants to come up and ask you if you wanted to see a magic trick. Drama kids draped themselves in long wool coats and ventured into the cool autumn night, looking for prey to listen to their story about how they got their scars. Former frat bros lathered on white facepaint and sipped vodka red bulls as they mumbled through half-remembered things about “chaos” and “killing the Batman.” And the one guy dressed as Beetlejuice spent the whole evening correcting people.

It was like magic. Somewhere in Heath Ledger’s wonderful performance, the worst people you knew heard a dog whistle. A dog whistle which screeched “Annoy the fuck out of everyone you know and love.” The Office understood that this was going to happen, and that’s why “Employee Transfer” is so great.

Airing on October 30th, it was like a warning to the general public: Beware, for tomorrow your neighbors will turn on you, your children will betray you, and your roommates will spend six hours attempting to apply cheek prosthetics before giving up and just using a pound of lipstick. Any show that can accurately capture the frustration of existing in the same universe as the mob of Jokers before that day of frustration actually occurs is worth your attention.

“Employee Transfer” features some of Steve Carell’s best acting in the whole series, but it’s also a great parody of the time the Earth cancelled Halloween and replaced it with Jokerfest 2008. I’ll never forgive Christopher Nolan. Never.

4

The Spectacular Spider-Man: “The Uncertainty Principle”

It’s hard for superhero shows to do a good Halloween episode, and I think it’s because superheroes wear masks all the time, and a lot of the comedy from any Halloween episode comes from what the characters decide to dress up as. It’s really hard to properly dress up as anything when your main wardrobe is one bright color with a huge symbol on your chest. That’s why most superhero Halloween specials are just plain adventure stories. In The Batman episode “Grundy’s Night,” Clayface pretends to be unkillable zombie Solomon Grundy to better rob intolerable old rich people. It’s great. You should check it out.

Unsurprisingly, The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best superhero cartoon of all time, broke the mold a little bit and gave us a Halloween episode that’s a little more think-y. However, all this metaphorin’ doesn’t prevent the episode from having a fight between Green Goblin and Spider-Man which takes up the entire third act. That was probably the greatest strength of the show: being able to balance teen drama and deep reflection with radioactive boxing matches that usually lasted about seven glorious minutes.

While most interpretations of the Green Goblin never get past the whole “Curse you, Spider-Maaaaaan” section of their shtick, this Green Goblin is a playful, sadistic dick. He’s constantly asking Spider-Man to consider what “mask” is real — the mask that hides your face or the mask that is your face. This doesn’t just play into the mystery of who the Green Goblin is, but also deals with something that’s lacking in a lot of superhero shows that are made for kids: At what point does your human identity become the facade? The Green Goblin and Peter Parker aren’t opposites; they’re both freaks who only find respite and fulfillment when they wear their masks. Peter Parker is a bespectacled shell of a nerd. It’s only when he’s Spider-Man, quipping and punching with psychopathic consistency, that his actual mask gets taken off.

Anyway, Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) fakes a leg injury and then retreats back to his home. There, he finds his son passed out, breaks his own son’s fucking leg, and puts the Goblin costume on him. Then, when Spider-Man gets there, Norman is all like “We gotta get my son some help. He’s really sick. See, his leg is broken. He’s helpless. WINK.” So yeah, if you want to watch something with all the fun of a Marvel character and all the “Oh my god, no” of comic book child abuse, this is a good one. Jeez. Maybe you should’ve just gone to a costume party or something, y’all.

3

Any Roseanne Halloween Episode

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you know that Halloweens are a gamble. You’ll get to go trick-or-treating, but only if your parents are down to drive you to a more populated place that supports such an activity. Otherwise you’re just trudging in a ditch down a lonely country road, hoping that a passing car doesn’t hit you and ruin your Dollar Store Wolfman mask and spill all of your candy. And when you age out of that, you go to a local haunted maze, which never fails to be out in the middle of nowhere. There, you watch theatrical rednecks rev chainsaws, wave severed prop heads, and ignore copyright infringements. In North Carolina, you don’t legally reach puberty until you’ve held someone’s hand through the Hacker House. It’s the law.

One of the draws of the sitcom Roseanne was that it was about a lower-middle-class family. So many sitcoms were based around how cool it would be to have friends in New York City, or how great it would be if you could shove a dozen family members into the same piece of prime San Francisco real estate. But Roseanne was hunkered down in the suburbs. The main set looked like it had been cobbled together from a thrift store’s going-out-of-business sale, the costumes were from a Fashion Bug clearance rack, and the family was loud and loving, just like mine.

Except on Halloween.

The Halloween episodes of Roseanne are things of sitcom legend. Barely having anything to do with the show itself, the Halloween episodes would go all out and present an alternate Roseanne reality where the family could suddenly afford elaborate costumes and expensive makeup. Halloween was the biggest day of the year (as it should be in all worlds, fictional or otherwise), and the usual relaxed pace of a Roseanne episode was replaced by a frantic joke parade. And for me, it was pure wish fulfillment.

You wanted to have a Roseanne Halloween. A Halloween where you could buy that expensive costume that you saw at the mall and run around and play pranks on everyone. A Halloween where you could go trick-or-treating with your friends, because most houses were less than a quarter of a mile from each other. A Halloween where everyone, adults included, understood how important Halloween was to you.

The Halloweens I experienced as a kid were fucking wonderful. But just once, I wanted a Roseanne Halloween.

2

How I Met Your Mother: “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns”

I moved from North Carolina to NYC, because it’s the true path of an artist to be miserable in a small town and then move to a large town where you’re only mostly miserable. And it’s there that I learned that you will see most of the people you know maybe once every few months. It’s just hard to hang out with people. Sure, a subway system connects the whole city, but deciding to use it is flipping the coin on whether a particular train works that day or not. So you’ll go a long time without seeing someone important to you. “Oh, I remember you! You were at that thing in 1988! New Jersey now, huh?”

The How I Met Your Mother Halloween episode “The Slutty Pumpkin Returns” gets that more than most NYC-based sitcoms. In it, human sweater vest Ted Mosby finally meets up with a girl that he saw at a Halloween party years earlier. She’d been dressed as a pumpkin, and as he did with most things with a pulse, he fell in love with her. But now, upon meeting her and dating her, he finds that they have absolutely no spark. Sitcoms, right? One minute you’re in a zany situation, the next you’re finding out that you’ve spent the last ten years pining after a lie. Laugh track!

Halloween in a big city is weird. On one hand, you want to explore what it has to offer, but it’s easy to get discouraged by the fact that you know that something like “HALLOWEEN PARTY FEATURING DJ QUANTUM. HALF-OFF SHOTS. PEOPLE IN COSTUMES GET A FREE PUMPKIN TEQUILA ENEMA” will attract roughly 30,000 people. So you go to parties, where you make friends you don’t see again for eight years. And so your big-city circle of friends becomes a mix of a core group you hang out with constantly and people you see once a decade. It’s kind of nice, especially in a sea of sitcoms that portray NYC as a place where you apparently can teleport from borough to borough, never having to worry about petty things like time or physics.

1

Walker, Texas Ranger: “The Children Of Halloween”

I don’t blame you if you don’t want to watch Walker, Texas Ranger. Chuck Norris is a pretty cartoonish figure in pop culture, but most episodes of Walker are a slog. Chuck kicks some criminals, administers a moral lesson, and talks down to everyone. Chuck Norris is judge, jury, executioner, God, Jesus, and Shakespeare in Walker, Texas Ranger. Somehow, Chuck Norris made a show about roundhouse kicks into something as boring as a Pat Robertson colonoscopy.

However, if you’re looking for something that is simultaneously a piece of batshit holiday insanity and the Walker-est Texas-est Ranger-est episode of Walker, Texas Ranger ever, watch “The Children Of Halloween.” It opens with Norris scoffing at his black co-worker’s George Washington Carver costume. Walker is a Texas Ranger, but more than that, he’s an awful dickhead.

One scene of men in ape masks shooting machine guns at a convenience store for no reason later, and we get a touching montage of kids practicing martial arts that feels like it lasts two hours. One of those kids is abducted by a satanic cult, and Walker is dropped into a race against time to stop children from being sacrificed. How spooky is all of this? So spooky that the opening credits adopt a Tales From The Crypt font and show us a cemetery with a blue filter over it. Fucking boo.

Sony Pictures Television Distribution

That’s ultimate spooky.

Regardless, Walker has never met a problem he couldn’t quite easily resolve by beating it unconscious. In the nick of time, he literally flies onto the screen with a side-kick, and then breaks a Satan worshiper’s neck in front of a group of stunned children. He proceeds to kick an entire cult into submission and saves the day. Walker finishes the episode by drinking coffee in a bar while ignoring the women who hit on him, because as the theme song says, “That’s what a ranger’s gonna be.” Yep. Murder a bunch of strangers in front of elementary schoolers and never have sex, like, ever. It’s what a ranger’s gonna be. Who am I to argue?

Daniel has a spooky, scary Twitter.

The Simpsons Tree House of Horror Collection is objectively the greatest Halloween TV you’ll ever find on this Earth. Enjoy!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 Unnecessarily Horrifying Episodes Of Beloved Kids Shows and 5 Inexplicably Creepy Episodes of Family Friendly TV Shows.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The Darkest Episode of an 80’s Sitcom Ever, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. Boo!

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/12/06/the-5-best-halloween-episodes-you-should-watch-tonight/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/168246093102