#xx I feel life in every vein ; a galaxy in my eyes and a universe in my mind x Henri Baudelaire

[fleurcense]

we are separated not only by the sea, but also by the storyline that has been set by fate long before adam and eve set their feet on the land of living.

i have long morosely accepted that this essence of human being will never be a dear friend to me (romantically speaking) yet I’ve wasted years and years searching for it to reach me without assuming that perhaps fate has never allowed me to have the privilege to be in one. (How bold i was to assume that i am entitled to own it when i am made to be criticised, shunned into alleys made for the homeless, for those whose existences are deplorable—not even the earth wants to supply them its oxygen)

However— it is the law of human nature, for us to fall in love. The yearning for warmth that only a certain individual can give it to you, one that can never be found in any other. I too, a victim of this law. A law that i have never given my consent to sign yet here i am, unwillingly bowing my head to the ground, having shackles locked at my ankles, dragging me everywhere the law goes—for i am bound for eternity, for as long as i breathe.

It is important to note that i have never found myself to be in a position where i am willing to sacrifice my life in order to protect my significant other like how Patroclus saved Achilles from his death. However, somehow (scarcely) there are days where the tendency of longing grows so immense that my heart feels like it is being twisted, cutting the veins connected to it. (And it is frustratingly driving me mad since my mind does not possess any information that can serve as a lead, to find out the identity of this invisible presence that my heart is longing for)

Is it someone out there, living in the same world as me. this corrupted, vile world in which everyone becomes slavery to their own contracts until death bestows its grace. Are they the same as me? Longing for someone who isn’t near nor far? The eyes cannot see and the mind doesn’t know yet the heart is in grave danger, in need of this ‘someone’ presence in order to stay alive, in order to keep its host safe and sound—

But who? Where do i find you? Do you long for me like how i long for you? Are we both the sufferers of loneliness catastrophe that is hitting our time? Will we ever see each other before doomsday arrive? Will fate be so kind to allow me to know you, at least for a second? So i can bury you in both mind and soul as the heaven recalls you back to me and not even fate can touch you nor me.

Where we will be out of reach from every slavery, every law, defying the odds as we fly across the universe, becoming one with the stars and our love will grow deeper— and the quantity is like the numbers of stars laying themselves on the galaxies.

Will fate be so kind to me in this lifetime or will it remain as cruel as it has always been and take the essence of life away from me slowly until my life is rotting as days go by?

—

From Me, The Moon.

xx sofea.

[wxrgirl]

NPC Quick Reference: Carpe Nocta / French Chapter

Mach die Luft in deiner Lunge zu Benzin für die Maschine Den Neid von so vielen zu Öl für das Getriebe

                             Du sagst, du kannst nicht, dann willst du nicht ganz einfach                              Talent ist nur Übung und Übung macht den Meister                              Erfolg ist kein Glück                              Sondern nur das Ergebnis von Blut, Schweiß und Tränen

Der Wille macht das Fleisch auf deinen Knochen zu Beton Nichts ist umsonst, jeden Zentimeter muss man selber gehen

Savannah Compere & Gabriel Corday - Kingdom of Westphalia 1812

"You are dancing with the devil little soldier boy”,  her eyes were locked on his as they spun around the ball room, “and it is not Bonaparte I am speaking off. There is an entire world of magic waiting on the other side of the mist, if you wish to save your heart all you have to do is reach out and take the power you deserve"

Laila Saad & Henri Baudelaire - Lyon 2022

"I will follow you to the ends of the world if I must", he reached for her hand, feeling the sting of ice on his skin, "May it be as cliché as it sounds. But we are friends, you and I. Comrades in arms. And we have been for years now. You want vengeance? You want to turn your back on all of this? Fine. Do it. Fight the gods if you must, but do not dare leave me behind Laila. For I am as much part of your heart as you are of mine. Our souls are made of the same fabric and where I come from that is all that counts"

aka team #can’t hear you over the angry French noise in my head

[igotyouniverse]

Stay With Me [LTY]

Genre: A n g st

Synopsis: Taeyongs heart aches for her love but she's with another man, leaving Taeyong broken and alone, wishing nothing more for her to be happy, even if it's tearing him apart.

Authors note:  Wow I found this piece on my laptop and decided to rewrite it a bit and upload! It's really just angst. It's completely based on a song, which means a lot to me, so it'd be totally amazing if you might listen to it while reading – it definitely adds more feeling! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless ♥ btw. Seriously this is in no way written in a romantic kind of way and this is absolutely not what a healthy love should be like. Please keep that in mind. + I hope all you guys are safe and healthy these days.

Song: Jesse Barnett – Stay With me

words: 3,8k

                                              xx

„Ah, I'm so happy that you're finally meeting him!”, the girl exclaimed happily, smiling brightly at Taeyongs direction. Her long, lovely brown locks fell down her head, meeting the glowing skin over her collarbones just perfectly. Taeyong couldn't resist but stare at her every movement. How she flipped her hair back, when she turned her face to look into his eyes, how her eyes seemed to hold the whole universe with all its stars and galaxies in them, twinkling whenever she lifted her mouth into a smile, which could end wars. Oh, he couldn't even count the times he told himself he had to end this for his own sake but he was too weak. He couldn't live without her light.

He tried his best to smile back as enthusiastically as humanly possible and hoped she wouldn't notice his discontent about the situation. Her smile got even brighter, not sensing anything. Or maybe she didn't care what he was thinking at all. Not anymore.

Taeyong oppressed a deep sigh as he looked away, trying to avoid eye contact, unable to stand her mesmerizing gaze much longer.

“He is really nice. You really don't need to be worried, I promise.”, he heard her say as she squeezed his arm lightly with her warm hand, which immediately made his legs feel as weak as jelly. He cursed himself for reacting to her simplest touch like that. He hated it. He didn't want to feel this way but it felt like a basic need to stay with her and follow her wherever she went, like he was drawn to her simple presence no matter what.

“But it's important for me that you like him. You're my best friend, Taeyong.”, he squinted his eyes as her words traveled through his ears, making their way into his mind and body.

Best friend. He bit his tongue, giving her a mild chuckle to overshadow his abused soul.

“Well, I assume he's a good guy from all the things you told me.”

“He really is. And he makes me happy. He really does.”, she said with a dreamy smile on her face. She looked absolutely angelic with her cheeks blushing in the slightest shade of pink while she brushed a strain of hair out of her perfectly shaped face. In his eyes, she was the most beautiful women in the entire world. But she would never be his. It wasn't meant to be.

Taeyong felt his throat becoming sore. Of course it was the most important thing in his life for her to be happy. He didn't want anything more than her being as happy as she could possibly ever be. Her happiness meant everything to him, even when it led to him not being the reason why. It hurt but as long as he had her by his side it was fine, even when he was just her friend. He preferred being her friend than being nothing at all.

“There he is!”, a bright, loving smile appeared on her face as she waved towards a tall, black haired guy waiting for them on a park bench.

Taeyong looked over the man. She already told him how handsome and gentle he was and a thousand other things which Taeyong didn't even want to hear but he needed to be a good friend for her to stay in her life.

The guy was indeed good-looking and much taller than him. His hair was just a bit shorter than his and well-styled, it had this messy look but it still looked perfectly good on him which made Taeyong anxious. He couldn't compete with someone like that. Compared to him, Taeyong felt just like the most unattractive human on earth. He was too skinny, too pale, too short. His lips were too thin, his facial features were cold and too sharp for his slim figure. His eyes wandered over the guy again. His shoulders were broad, not like Taeyongs slim ones. He seemed to be in a  good shape based on what he could see, unlike Taeyong who still felt like he looked more like a child than an adult.

From all the stories he heard about the absolutely charming guy he remembered that it seemed he was good at everything. Art, music, sports. She even claimed that he was the smartest guy she'd ever met, which also hurt. But he just smiled all her comments away, like the good friend he was.

“Hi. I'm Johnny. It's so nice to finally meet you. She told me so much about you.”, the guy chuckled and hugged her tightly, pressing a quick kiss on her cheek which made Taeyong looking away for a second. He really wanted to kiss her, too. He wanted to know what her soft skin felt like under his lips and hands.

“Yeah, nice to meet you, too. I'm Taeyong.”, he smiled at Johnny, trying not to stare at him too much.

It was awkward to walk with the two of them, feeling like the lonely third-wheel he actually was. He felt how the air left his lungs, leaving him grasping for the much needed oxygen silently. His throat felt sore again and his legs barely kept him up standing but he had to pretend everything was fine. He couldn't risk to lose her.

After all, she really seemed to be more than happy, she seemed to have real deep feelings for Johnny. The way she looked at him with nothing more than pure and honest love in her eyes, which shined brighter than the burning summer sun. Her laughter filled their surroundings, leaving Taeyong with a warmth in his body, even though he wasn't the reason for her behavior. He wished he was. His heart wanted her to look at him like that with such desperation it consumed his soul.

Of course he was skeptic for her boyfriend. He already met someone before him whom she was dating and after a very long 2-year-relationship he left her absolutely shattered and broken and he'd do anything to prevent that from happening to her ever again. The memories of her being nothing more than a ghost in a human shell hurt him even now. He remembered so clearly, how she stopped eating and didn't say a word anymore. She'd gone completely silent for weeks. It was only him she had left as her anchor and he did everything he could to be strong for her when she needed him most.

But Johnny truly seemed to be sincere with her. He took care of her bag, holding her hand tightly, not being able to keep his eyes off of her. Taeyong tried his best to take part in their conversations but it drained his energy. Pretending like everything was fine and him not having any romantic feelings for her was getting harder each day. All these years he managed to play his role as her best friend nearly perfectly but the older he got, the harder it was. It's not like he didn't try to fall out of love with her. He went on many dates, met new people but not one of them was like her – not even close. It didn't matter how pretty the girl he dated was – she'd always be prettier. She'd always be funnier, smarter, more caring and just the girl he was so hopelessly in love with.

Of course she noticed Taeyong's lack of interest in girls and got sceptical once, asking him why he was behaving so non-natural for boys his age but even then he managed to tell her some kind of excuse, telling her how busy he was and that he just haven't met the right women for him yet. Of course she believed him. She'd never assume that he had feelings for her. Or maybe she ignored it on purpose to spare his feelings. Maybe she knew.

He nodded here and then, chuckling at some lame jokes Johnny cracked at which she laughed until she was out of breath. He wasn't even that funny, Taeyong thought. He tried to make as much smalltalk as he could bear, asking questions here and there. Questions he didn't even want to know the answer to, but he didn't want her to be mad or some kind of worried. He just wanted her to keep on liking him and needing him in her life but slowly a dark feeling spread through his veins, poisoning his thoughts. She won't need me anymore. He bit his tongue, trying to shake these thoughts off. No. He couldn't let that happen – ever. He was nothing without her. Taeyong was sure, she'd still need him. People always needed friends, even when they got into a relationship.

“I think I gotta go, need to run some errands before the store closes.”, he said while smiling at them.

His head started to hurt and he knew that he really needed to go and clean his thoughts as he wouldn't be able to bury them for much longer as all these poisonous emotions contaminated his mind and body

“Oh, okay then. Thanks for coming with me, it really meant a lot to me.”, he heard her saying as she let go of her boyfriend for a second to hug her friend. He closed his eyes for just a brief second and inhaled her soothing scent of mild peony and rose. He cherished every single second of her hug, feeling how she squeezed his slim figure slightly. Taeyong wasn't quite sure if this would be the last hug he'd get in a long time, nor the last time he'd be able to see her.

“Don't worry. I won't forget you, okay? You're my best friend after all.”, she whispered in his ear, filling his heart with her warmth, leaving him with all these feelings as she let go of him to entangle her fingers with her boyfriend's.

“Sure.”, he answered silently trying to hide his voice cracking, slightly smiling, shaking the dark thoughts off.

He waved at Johnny and turned away, making his way home. His head was full of thoughts, screaming at him, wanting him to beg her to leave Johnny to stay with him but he knew she wouldn't. He knew, she'd never love him the way he did so deeply and desperately. There would never be a future for them together as a couple and at this moment he even doubted that there would be a future for them as friends. Taeyong wasn't sure why this feeling wouldn't leave him. It was just inside of him, sitting in his stomach, filling it with pain and making him feel like he was about to throw up, slowly absorbing his heart until it was impossible to ignore any longer.

Taeyong didn't hear from her for a long while. Hours became days, days became weeks and weeks became months. Sometimes she messaged him, asking how he's doing, if everything's alright. Just some trivial smalltalk to keep her peace of conscience. It turned out exactly as he feared. He felt how his body became heavier and the thoughts darker over the time. Himself now turning into this ghost he feared to become. Once again, he was too weak to finally break free from the spell she put on him. No, he couldn't live without her light.

He tried to be a good friend for her. Taeyong knew he wasn't able to give her more. All he could give her was him being her best friend, even when her life was moving forward, not needing him as much as before. He replied to every of her texts, casually asking how her studies and relationship went. He soaked in every bits of her words, even when her answers came back sporadically and didn't have much content to answer to. But he never gave up – he just couldn't because she would need him some day eventually and he didn't want to miss it. No, he needed to be there for her at any time or he'd loose her.

It was a surprise when she actually called him one day to meet for a coffee, which he accepted instantly as his mood finally lightened up the first time in months. He thought of any reason why she'd suddenly want to meet up. Of course he thought about a break-up but he didn't want her to feel pain in any kind of way. Part of him wanted them to break up and he felt bad. But the other part, which was still so blindly in love with this girl he'd never get in his life only wanted her to be happy and hoped for them to be still together. He knew his feelings were pure poison for his fragile soul but he wasn't able to move on and bury them. He couldn't free himself from this nothing he had become.  

He tried his best to calm his nerves before meeting her but his joy was enormous as he saw her already sitting on a small table, typing something on her smartphone. She wore her long hair in a casual bun, a beautiful delicate golden necklace flattered her neck. The moment she looked up, giving him the most beautiful smile he'd ever witnessed, his heart made a jump, finally feeling something more again as the world which became so gray and dull got his colors back. But something felt odd, he realized. Something felt wrong.

“Hey, nice to meet you.”, he said, giving her a small smile before he sat down in front of her.

“Long time no see. I really missed you! But my life just went on crazy. So many things happened. I had to study a lot and then all of a sudden Johnny asked me to move in with him! Isn't this amazing? I'm finally happy, Taeyong.”, she said while smiling brightly at him, her voice full of happiness which made his heart flutter, yet sting with pain.

She stood up and gave him a brief hug. She never hugged him that briefly.

But seeing her being so happy and lighthearted made him feel the same as his body warmed up slightly, pushing away his cold thoughts. This is all he ever wanted her to be.

“That's really great. I'm happy for you.”, he answered, ordering a cup of tea for both of them. His answer wasn't a lie. He was indeed happy for her – but not for himself. It still hurt.

The next hours were balm for his flawed soul. He enjoyed listening to all of her stories and what happened these past months. Taeyong was just looking at her, smiling and laughing about the things she said, losing himself in her eyes once again. They sparkled and shined when she talked, which made his body feel with the familiar warmth he always felt whenever she talked to him. He was absolutely under her spell, which he was completely aware of. But he didn't care. As long as he was under her spell he was at least something.

She told him how she aced all of her exams, even the hard ones she was so anxious about and how her professor praised her essays, telling her that she had great potential to become successful in her life. Taeyong was truly happy for her, even when she started to talk about how great her relationship with Johnny was. He felt something sting in his heart and how his thoughts started to scream again. She told him how gentle and affectionate her boyfriend was, treating her like a princess as he'd do anything for her, including moving in together. He tried to keep up his smile, when his throat began to feel sore and close up. He wanted to tell her that he could make her feel this way, too. He'd treat her not only like a princess but like the queen she was for him.

He thought it was fast to move in after such a short time but he remained silent and just nodded, telling her how happy he was and that he trusted her to take care of herself, telling her he was always there for her, no matter what.

“It's so great to talk to you. I really missed this.”, she sighed and took his hand for a second, sending shivers down his body, which gave him goosebumps.

“Thank you for being such a great friends for all these years. I really appreciate it and I hope that we'll be friends forever, Taeyong.”, her words made his heart flutter again, but they had a bitter aftertaste.

He'd never be more than her friend. He thought about it over and over again. All these years he never left her side, followed her wherever she was going and he didn't regret a single second of it. She was always there for him, too, taking care of him when he was sick, talking to him in the middle of the night when he wasn't able to sleep or simply sitting next to him in silence when he didn't want to be alone. She knew nearly all of his secrets, what he likes and dislikes, his favorite dishes, which she cooked a dozen times for him already. And so did he. He knew that her favorite color was yellow, like the sun. She enjoyed the summer and loved the feeling of the warm sand on the beach between her toes while eating strawberry ice cream until her stomach hurt. He knew her deepest and darkest fears, or at least he did know them.

“Same here. I'm very glad to have you.”, he said, feeling this piercing pain in his chest again.

The sudden ringing of her smartphone let him flinch. He pulled his hand back and looked away, feeling like he was back into reality. She picked up her phone, instantly smiling when she heard the voice on the other side. It had to be Johnny, Taeyong thought. And he was right.

“Johnny will be here any second to pick me up. But we'll meet again, I promise.”, she stood up as Taeyong payed for their drinks and led her outside. He wasn't sure if she really wanted to meet him again or if she was just being polite. He felt how his throat became sore and he bit his tongue. He didn't want all the thoughts rumoring inside his head again.

As if the universe read his thoughts it started to rain and they had to wait inside the café for Johnny, who was already on the other side of the street with an umbrella. Taeyong didn't want their meeting to end just now. He desperately wanted it to last just one more moment. He needed it to last longer but he knew she'd go with her boyfriend, of course. He inhaled every last second of her standing next to him and talking while breathing in her wonderful scent of lavender and vanilla. He always loved the way she scented, it felt like a soft cloud surrounding him, making his mind dizzy. He wanted her to stay just for a second longer, sitting there with him, talking about everything and nothing at all. He needed her presence so hopelessly to feel something again, even if his blissful happiness mixed with the bitter taste of pain and loss. He gladly endured it to be by her side again.

Taeyong looked at Johnny who spotted the two of them, smiling brightly, while waving. He clenched his teeth, looking at her face. He needed her to stay with him. He needed her more than anything he ever needed before but he knew it had to stop. Taeyong needed her to go and leave him, even if it would destroy him.

“Hey guys.”, Johnny entered the café and hugged his girlfriend tightly. “I hope you two had fun.”, he added.

“Sure, nice to see you.”, Taeyong answered politely and smiled.

“You're ready to go home? It's the perfect weather for a movie night.”, Johnny said to her and she gave him the most beautiful smile Taeyong ever saw. “Can't wait!”, she sighed.

“See you soon, okay?”, she turned to Taeyong who nodded and waved as the two of them left the café.

He saw how Johnny held the umbrella and how she snuggled against him, leaving Taeyong behind. He felt like all the warmth she made him feel was gone and all he had left was cold surrounding him, his world turning gray again.

He stepped outside, not caring about getting wet in the rain. His apartment wasn't far away but he felt like he desperately needed some fresh air to clean his thoughts. He couldn't resist the thoughts of her going home with a man who wasn't him. The thoughts of her sharing all the secrets she used to share only with him. The thoughts of her lying next to this man while he remained to sleep alone. The thoughts of her, embracing this man so lovingly and intimate, full of the love Taeyong still wished to get from her one day, even though he knew it was impossible.

He knew that it was toxic to bathe in these thoughts but he needed to feel something, even it was just sweet melancholia.

Taeyong felt the cold rain hitting the bare skin of his arms and face, letting him shiver but he didn't mind. He knew that he wasn't able to continue his life like this, living and breathing only for the women he'd never have in his life.

He closed his eyes, facing the dark clouds upon him and took a deep breath. In the past, he used to cry a lot whenever his feelings overwhelmed him but lately it felt like he had no tears left. They were just gone, leaving him with this heavy feeling of nothing. A nothingness, so pitch black, he saw it as a monster which one day appeared on his shoulder, whispering all these things in his ears, poisoning his mind and soul. It was like it grew bigger and bigger with each day passing by, consuming his very life each day, he could even feel the grin on its face even though it appeared to be faceless to him.

She had always been the light of his life, guiding him out of all the bad things happening to him, reaching for his hands to help him get up on his feet again. He couldn't stand the feeling of loosing her, of her drifting apart. He wanted to call her, telling her he needed her like his lungs needed oxygen. But all he could do was watch her taking the next steps in her life drifting apart from him, who seemed to be stuck in time.

His legs felt heavy, making his body hurt more with each step he took, but he couldn't allow himself to give up. If he'd give up, he never see her again. Never see this beautiful light again. No, he couldn't give up.

He needed to see his light again just one more time.

masterlist

[wxrgirl]

I was about to sit down and write the first interaction between darling Henri and Gabriel and my youtube playlist threw Princess Nokia’s Kitana @ me. Gabe is definitely losing that vibe check.