#xie lian isn't just a miserable guy

[torgawl]

if there's one xie lian headcanon i dislike is that he was depressed during the time he was waiting for hua cheng. in any way, shape or form, i just don't think that fits into who he is or his development throughout the books at all?!

don't get me wrong, xie lian did suffer a lot in the past and for a long time he did push back and tried to repress all those feelings. to the point of becoming the xie lian that gets introduced to us at the begining of tgcf. he appears and we question his position to the way others treat him. is he just incredibly confident or is this the way he learned how to face the world and move on? and we do get that answer. and we do see him face his past. and most importantly, rediscovering himself and what being alive is about. we see him rebuild a relationship with the friends he thought he had lost, we watch him be, for once, on the loving end of somebody else. we see devotion, adoration, we see care, patience and understanding. and those things change him. otherwise he wouldn't have said to hua cheng 'only after having met you did I rediscover that it's such a simple thing to be happy'.

i feel like what people misunderstand is that hua cheng wasn't his happiness and xie lian's character doesn't revolve around hua cheng. yes, their story interlaces quite early on. hua cheng decided to live for xie lian. hua cheng gives xie lian what he lacked. but xie lian didn't only receive a romantic partner. he was able to overcome his past and get a new outlook in life. he was able to become a better version of himself. for him and for others.

of course, hua cheng got almost ripped away from him as easily and as fast as he came into his life. i'm not saying it didn't impact him or that he didn't feel insecure or doubtful at any moment in time. those feelings are only natural if you cherish someone. but the fact he learnt of hua cheng's dedication and devotion, that he wasn't alone all those centuries, that the other did his utmost best to be by his side and to contribute to his happiness and well being? those things have to had mattered. and i don't think the xie lian at the end of the book would ever waste his time pitying himself because of it. if anything, i think remembering hua cheng would motivate him to retribute what the other did for him. and the thing is, we do see this. the only insight we have is xie lian being as devoted and as hopeful and as loving as hua cheng did to him. and isn't that part of the beauty of the story? isn't that almost a fulcral point in all of it? that xie lian's time to be on the giving end came and that it wasn't a burden or a task but something natural between the two of them? that they would always be there for each other? that their relationship might have started from a place of distance and devotion but it was never one-sided?!

their relationship is probably one of the healthiest - if not the healthiest - representations of a couple in media i have ever seen. and there's really no other way to look at their dynamic. they bring out the best in each other. their relationship is so good that they had space for personal growth and their inherent value isn't tied to one another. so it feels very reducing to try and make it seem that they have some sort of co-dependency that xie lian would ever go back to such a negative state of mind because he had to wait for his lover for a certain ammount of time. i'm not saying with this that that can't happen in healthy relationships. the brain is something complex. it's more that we have no motive to believe that is the case from what has been showed to us about them and especially regarding xie lian, who is the main character and narrator of the story. of whom we have first hand information. and although unreliable at some points, we have no reason to doubt his reciprocity towards hua cheng.