#xantalks

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thought about drawing today

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i mean i wasnt wrong

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im in a good mood but i feel like being a hater for a second the fanfare around arc*ne vikt*r annoys me so much b/c you know damn well there'd be crickets if he was a Female Character

[xannerz]

other than one of my grandmas needing to be taken to the hospital (i genuinely feel bad for her, she needs to be seen, but she'll be fine) and one of my uncles getting drunk and telling me to go back to l*w school it was an ok new year. happy new year.

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this is going to sound like a humblebrag and i dont mean it to be. whatever, who cares, anyway, okay-- i can type 150+ wpm and watching people typing responses in sl/ack can be so frustrating to me b/c i just want an answer now. im cycling between 15 email threads and 84 tabs pleaaaaase hurry it up.

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smthn very special about having friends you could tell the same stories with over and over again and all still be laughing about it like it was the first time

[xannerz]

x

i also need to keep better track as to whether pristiq is causing these heart palps or not. it's been helping my mood tremendously (i forgot how freeing it is to not be on the verge of an anxiety attack 85% of the time lol. i'm also sleeping better thanks to another rx and wow i can see new colors) but the palpitations are suffocating. i saw others having the same exp online but i'm terrified of the possibility of needing to give this medication up now that i know how well it dampens the doom for me.

there's always something LMAO

[xannerz]

rambleroni time

i havent drawn or felt a strong urge to in a while?? like i want to, i guess, but i just... nothing feels right/it doesnt compel me rn. i've also been so stretched thin. spent a few hours the other weekend tidying up all my craft supplies and i wonder if i'm just better off working with my hands rn. i feel like a fraud - got into resin/polymer clay a couple years back and it was really just b/c i enjoyed the process, really. i didn't realize resin esp was trending at the time LMFAO. but i haven't really set up shop like i said i would after so, so many people prompted me to (and it comes from a place of support, which means a lot ofc. i dont want to diminish that.)

but it's hard separating the simple love for a craft, esp as a hobbyist, with the urge/pressure to commodify it. and it's not like i don't need the money, which makes me feel eve more incompetent? idk i feel like i'm looking at the world's wiggliest ouroboros.

i don't even know how i'm really spending my time outside of minding the fish tanks and thinking about work. i'm trying to be more present, but i can't help but feel so 🧍‍♀️ when i don't really care to tap into my biggest hobbies. i thought i was hit with the writing itch for a hot second but it left as quickly as it came. maybe i just need to push past it and stop overthinking every sentence (as one does. as one does.)

trying to play dav it's difficult for me lmfao. i couldnt get into da2, didnt finish dai, but have vague, fond memories of dao. the mcu-esque first scene of the game didnt help either (CAMERA CUTS TO fan favorite V*RRIC with his badass crossbow!!) and idk. i dont think it's a bad game but i don't think a lot of the negative commentary is totally unfounded (with that said - yes, yes, the dev team has my complete sympathy for exec meddling/sabotage) i'm just the filthy casual what do i know.

on a heavier note (and ik this will be a hard, awkward pivot) -

we have 3 cases of cancer in the family and they said my great uncle's expected to last 3-6 months with chemo, and he's going without. i'm praying he beats the odds. i'm watching my parents age and our family isn't Well in a lot of ways. goddamn. it's easy to gripe about art and hobbies but how do you put all these feelings into words right now. there's a heaviness hanging over this entire year - felt like 5 years smashed into 1 - and as fake as time is i still can't help but feel too hopeful about 2025. i guess the most i can hope for now is stability.

i'm seeing some of my friends tonight, i miss them.

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the 4-day weekend spoiled me

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man i miss vigo

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look man i hate capitalism just as much as the next guy but these deals arent what they used to be

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I never cared to get a sleeve but if I did I’d want a bunch of kuhlis and gourami swimming down my arm

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how are we already more than halfway thru november the fuck

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save me enya's entire discography save me

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local woman laughs at own gc moment but friends went to trivia last night (they placed 3rd 🥉)