#xanax is incredible wow

[kiwidotcom]

[paddockbunny]

The Met Gala

Summary: You attend the illustrious Met Gala with your boyfriend Daniel on your arm but everyone who's anyone knows, there's another certain list that those invited want to be on more than the guest list. Rating: 18+. Pairing : Daniel Ricciardo x Reader Word Count : 3,707 - ONE SHOT! Trigger Warnings : 18+, NSFW, adult material, adult language, PinV sex, unprotected sex, public sex. GIF Credit : @overtake

As Marcus gave your lips a final once over, making sure they were significantly polished to last all night, you saw Daniel out of the corner of your eye exuding what could only be described as nervous energy. “How you doing over there, baby?” You smiled broadly as you watched as he gave himself yet another once over. Daniel let out a little chuckle before jokingly biting his lip. “Just relax…you’re making me nervous.” You arose from the make-up chair and watched as in an almost childlike fashion he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “DANIEL!” You warned and he immediately apologised. If there was one thing you hated while you were getting ready for an event it was heightened tension in the room and Daniel was creating it. It was fucking with the calming music, the sage and the Xanax you had popped a few hours ago.

You were nearly done. A few more swooshes of hairspray to hold your Rita Hayworth, old Hollywood styled hairdo and it was off with the hotel robe covering your thousands upon thousand dollar vintage haute couture gown. And silence. The look was perfectly crafted and perfected, it had been for months. And you felt incredible. Really, and truly incredible. But none more so than when you finally locked eyes with Daniel. He was staring at you with his mouth open. It was the first time he had ever really seen you like this, all dolled up to the nines. And he was speechless. He made a gesture with his hands but no words followed and it made you laugh. “I take it I look ok then?” Everyone else in the room laughed loudly at your remark while Daniel nodded enthusiastically. “Wow” he managed to croak out while his eyes continually roamed your whole body. The black dress was completely sheer and you only wore a pair of tiny minuscule panties underneath. You had worked out extra specially hard in the gym for the whole week running up to tonight so you could look your best and boy, was it paying off by the look on your boyfriends face. He bit his lip as he watched your body move over to him. Your heels made you taller but he didn’t mind. “You are phenomenal.” You knew he meant looked phenomenal but you’d take it all the same. “You clean up well too…you might need to consider your next career being one you wear a suit every day” you fixed his bow tie a little and he smiled his signature grin at you. You glanced at Marcus - your make-up artist - and noticed he wasn’t looking for quickly gave Daniel swift peck on the lips. His hands found your waist and you had to swot them away before he deepened anything. “Save it for later…you can’t get me too excited in the dress” you then whispered in his ear “there’s nowhere to hide it if you make me wet.” That was the type of relationship the pair of you had. Highly sexually charged and not afraid to tell one and other. “Well the sight of your nipples through that sheer fabric is giving me a semi so…” his admission matched yours and both of you burst out laughing.

You watched Daniel’s leg bouncing up and down as he was flooded with nerves again. The car ride was quick but evidently not quick enough. You reached over and tried to steady it by placing a tender hand on his knee. It worked - a little - but he was still buzzing away. “How do you stay so calm?” “Once you’ve been a few times it’s not so bad.” You shrugged but really this was sort of like work so you were able to compartmentalise it. “It’s like racing. You’re nervous before the race then you get in the car and that melts away.” You explained “The carpet is the worst. People screaming your name as you get pushed around and hurried here and there and then suddenly, that’s it done, it’s over with and it’s onto partying.” You had talked him over the events of the Met Gala several times. First when you invited him after being allowed to bring a plus one - a practically unheard of event as Anna kept things very tight, but seeing as Daniel was now so well known in the US she must have agreed - then when you were planning the schedules, again when you helped him choose a Tux to have tailored, a few extra times throughout the coming months and finally four times today when he was stressing about the unknown. “I could do with a drink.” He replied when you said about partying. “Me too.” You nodded in agreement.

Shouts and screams mixed with the sound of numerous camera triggers all going off like a cacophony of riotous noise. The atmosphere was second to none but Daniel gripped your hand fairly tightly. After being lead toward the wolves - the paparazzi - you gave his a reassuring squeeze. “You ready?” You asked and he pulled the same face he had back in the hotel room. A slight anxiety riddled grimace.

“I love you.” You whispered and gently pulled him out behind you as you walked on to the first mark. Your name was continually shouted by the hungry photographers brandishing their expensive lenses in your direction. You positioned yourself on an angle tucked into Daniel’s side. “Just keep smiling, baby.” You whispered to him even though you knew he was good at that. You felt him begin to relax under your touch when a few photographers yelled out his name. There was a part of you that knew he would be feeling like a fish out of water but now he knew how you felt when you first went to his races. You weren’t an F1 fan before you met him so the whole atmosphere of a race weekend made you a nervous wreck.

You were moved on several times so different groups of press could get their shots. Daniel letting go of you so they would get the much desired solo pics so people could dissect your chosen fit on the internet like mini keyboard Joan Rivers’. Daniel continually watched you working your angles like a pro. It was your job after-all and the way he was looking at you made you feel like the only woman in the world. You held out your hand for him to rejoin you as you began to climb the steps up into The Met itself. “Is that bit finished?” He whispered into your neck as he let you stand in front of him as you toddled in. “Yes. It’s dinner now.” It had gone so quickly. It always did. The process only took between 10 to 15 minutes and while you were doing it it always felt like an eternity but afterward, like it went in the blink of an eye.

After greeting several other guests, celebrities and many from the world of fashion you slowly walked toward the area they were taking videos for Vogue themselves. You were hesitant to do it without Daniel - not wanting him to feel left out - but they pulled you in before you had a chance to protest. You complied. Gave them what they wanted, played around with it, pretended it was a shoot and thanked them when it was over. Daniel stood watching you the entire time. He had never seen you work. He had seen the product of it in campaigns and shoots but never actually been there as you did your thing. His smile had never been broader and he looked so proud. It made your butterflies flutter harder in your tummy. Your fingertips itched at how desperate they were to touch him right then and you practically sprinted away from the area once the team were happy with what they got. “Right….time for a drink!” You grabbed your boyfriend and gently caressed his cheek. “Oh…and I can finally do this!” You exclaimed before planting one on him.

Many glasses of champagne later the dinner was finished, speeches were done and the performances well underway. Vogue and Miss Anna really knew how to throw a party. This was the third Gala you had attended and each was better than the last. But this was the first time you were here with someone and there was no doubt Daniel and you were having an amazing time. As he danced with you to Lizzo’s performance you realised how this was a vastly different experience having your spouse here - and you were so eternally grateful to be able to do so because as you looked around barely anyone was accompanied - and for some reason it meant it was a lot more fun than it usually did. Daniel was the fun you needed in your life. He relaxed you. He simply made you happy and as he wrapped his arms around your waist you had to tell him.

“I’m so happy to be here with you.” You smiled and a part of you felt like melting from the look he was shooting you. “It’s much more fun than I thought it was going to be.” He had been thinking the same as you and it made your heart swell. “It’s hard not to stare at your boobs in that dress though.” There was the familiar Daniel you knew. The feeling was likewise. You had never seen him in Tux before and he was giving some strong Australian James Bond vibes that hit you everywhere, especially between your thighs. His eyes dipped down to your chest - on complete display through the mesh fabric - and bit his lip. “Still have that semi?” You whispered in his ear and he let out a low amused scoff. “Why do you think I keep positioning you in front of me?” And with his confirmation the naughty idea sprung into your mind.

The Met Gala red carpet was one thing but anyone who knew anything about the event knew that the women’s bathroom was really where the party happened. Every year all of the behind the scenes images of all of the most famous women in the world sitting on the tiled floor in their thousand dollar couture gowns were lapped up by fans and the public alike. Most went into the bathroom to smoke, catch up with other party goers or take selfies. But you, well, you had other ideas. Your hand slid into Daniel’s and you pulled him behind you as you took off in the direction of the ladies room. Daniel not even asking where you were leading him too, the throbbing erection growing in his designer suit was all he could think about. You weaved in and out of bodies. Friends and acquaintances waving and grabbing your arm to say hello. But you were on a mission due to do something about your horny boyfriends little problem.

“Wait…” Daniel grabbed your arm right as the bathroom came into sight “…I know exactly what you’re thinking but is this the right place? Won’t you get into all kinds of trouble?” “Do you want me to tell you about Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk a few years ago? Or FKA Twigs and Rob….” He clearly pushed aside the thoughts of getting caught by smothering your words with his mouth as you reeled off some other famous gala goers who had fucked in infamous women’s bathroom.

It was busy enough that no one really noticed you heading into a stall and pulling your handsome boyfriend in behind you. The buzz and chatter all around the room meant no one would be paying much attention to whatever was going on inside the cramped bathroom cubicle. Daniel closed the door behind himself and locked it for good measure. You had never had sex in quite such a public place before but the excitement mixed with lust rushed around your body. As soon as his eyes met yours Daniel seemed to transform. Right in front of your eyes his hunger and desire made his chocolate coloured eyes glow. He was like a man possessed. His hands grabbed you, sliding all over the top of the vintage mesh and lace fabric that barely covered your body. And when his lips found yours you really hoped Marcus had don’t a good enough job of making sure your lipstick wouldn’t budge. His tongue roughly pushed into your mouth as he pushed you back into the cool metal cubicle wall behind you with haste. A small, delighted moan slipped through your throat and you felt Daniel’s grip tighten against your waist. You loved it when he turned feral like this and you knew it was possibly as a product of how much he liked it when you moaned. He loved it in fact. And you sensed tonight he liked it most because of the risky nature of the super hot public sex that was going to happen any minute. His hands started pulling up the fabric of your gown. The delicate nature of it wasn’t lost on you so gave him a hand to gather it up around your waist.

“Fuck…” fell from his lips while his fingertips pressed into the flesh of your thigh. He usually always took his time with you. Loving every single second of fucking you but right now the high and thrill was all either of you cared about. You watched as he slid your tiny black panties down your thighs, down your calves and waited for you to step out of them. Your heart rate increased while he shoved them into his suit pocket - at least he was keeping them safe or you’d be arrested for public indecency. But before you could repay the favour and help set him free from the confines of the suit, he was already doing it himself. “Can’t wait huh?” Cheekily you smirked. “I don’t know what you do to me…” he referenced his glorious cock standing to attention. He was arrogant about it and he had every reason to be. It wasn't just that he was above average and THICK, it was because he knew how to use it and always made sure you got yours too.

After grabbing his lapel to haul him back against your body you lowered your hand and glided over him. He wasn’t kidding he was rock fucking solid. He shivered at your touch as pre-cum leaked from his purpling tip. But as your palm closed around him and you moved up and down on his shaft - his wide girthy shaft - he groaned and you knew it wasn’t enough. You knew how desperate he was because you were too and so your stomach flipped with excitement when he pulled your leg up around his waist. Daniel pushed into you with haste after coating himself with the the slick mess between your folds. The mess his behaviour had caused. He filled you up. The stretch was enough to make your breath catch in your throat and he stalled as he reached the hilt.

“Fuck…” he swore again but this time into your open mouth as his eyes squeezed tightly shut. You knew what he wanted to say but couldn’t find the words. It was what he always said. You’re so tight. The risky public sex was like an aphrodisiac and it was by far the hottest thing you had ever done in your life. Daniel pulled out before bucking back up into you and pulling yet another - this time louder - gasp as he grazed your g-spot. His hand found it’s familiar place around your neck and he applied the lightest of pressure to get you to at least attempt to be quiet. His pace increased and you realised that there was no way you guys wouldn’t be doing this again. Public, kinda risky sex was was beyond hot. And more so, this standing position that gave Daniel such access to the tender fleshy spot inside of you solidified this was going to be a new favourite position of yours.

“Look at me.” He growled into your ear before his teeth nipped at your neck. Your eyes flew open at his command and without dropping a beat Daniel began to settle into a totally unrelenting rhythm as you stared straight into his soul. No man could ever come close to him for many reasons but most of all because he was so attuned to how your body responded to him. A high began to build while his hand tightened around your throat. You loved it when he let his wild side out, when he let nature and instinct take over. As it played on your mind while he fucked you you let out a loud gasp that was at a volume people could have perhaps caught. Daniel, without skipping a single beat slid two of his fingers into your mouth and you bit down on them. The faint salty taste of them danced across your tastebuds and only helped to edge you further forward to what he wanted to pull from you. The thought of orgasming right here and now clearly passed through Daniel’s head at the same time as his movements got jerky. It was coming. Both of your delicious, electric highs were dangerously close.

without warning, yours came first. Your orgasm hit you full force. It crashed upon you like a ferocious wave battering a cliff face during a storm. A fierce, powerful orgasm encapsulated your body. The physical shake trembled so much it was like an earthquake. Your leg almost threatened to give way as it pulsated and ripped across every single last nerve ending possible leaving a path of utter destruction in its wake. Daniel kept going in-spite of it but there was no way he didn’t feel you contracting around his throbbing, thrumming cock. Mere seconds later you got your answer. His head fell forward. His body pressing even more into yours than you thought possible. His forehead connected to your mesh covered shoulder. Loud, unmistakable pants came thick and fast as he released inside of you. He stilled as his cock twitched with his own peak. You felt the product of his high spill out and fill you up. A few unsteady, long strokes ensured he gave you all of what his own climax had to offer as his hand slipped from its position - fingers still resting inside of your mouth on your tongue - and flattened against the cool, cold metal beside your head.

In a few short seconds, as you stood still connected to each other, it was as if the rest of the world melted away. You were no longer in the women’s bathroom of The Metropolitan Museum of Art, no longer at The Met Gala and no longer surrounded by people. You were simply two - post climaxing - lovers experiencing the tantalising high of finding their person. Daniel finally raised his head and looked into your eyes. A whisper of a smirk played upon them and you knew you were mirroring him in those moments almost like you thought as one singular being. Finally, spent, Daniel withdrew. He pulled himself out of you leaving you feeling empty at the loss of the stretch from his member. Your breathing was still erratic but steadying now as your leg (the one that had been wrapped around his waist) fell back down. Your heel meeting the tiled bathroom with a ghost like clatter.

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” You confess. The exploration of your sex life with Daniel had taken you some scorching, passionate places but this has gone straight to the top of the list. You knew the glow, the smug appearance that would be capturing your face right now. Cock drunk. That’s what you were and as soon as you stepped out of the cubicle everyone would know it. Not that you cared. Not after the orgasm you were still coming back down to earth from. “Me too.” Daniel admitted as he put himself away back in his pants. You pouted at the loss of the good view but a loud laugh from the bathroom beyond your steely confines snapped you out of your pout. After fixing himself he reached into his suit pocket. Slowly peeling out your small, black panties that needed to go back on underneath your dress. You had to tidy yourself up so you reached for some tissue but Daniel’s hand clamped around your wrist. “Don’t.” The look he shot you was a clear signal this wasn’t over yet. He had more in mind. “I want you to feel me when you go back in there.” A medley of shock and amusement had to have washed across your face as he glared unwaveringly at you. He was dead serious and all the other times he behaved in this manner lead the most intense, fervid sex you had ever experienced.

Daniel lowered to his knees before you. He lifted your left foot and placed it into the leg hole of the scrap of fabric first before the other foot succeeded it. His milky release was already beginning to slowly dribble out of you, you could feel it, but he pulled the underwear up your calves, past your knees and up your thighs before securing it in place. “Be a good girl I’ll give you more later.” He winked at you. He literally winked at you as he went for the lock on the bathroom stall.

Your exit of which was swift, with eyebrow raising ease. No one seemed to care or be phased if they had heard what the pair of you had just been doing. They were all too enamoured by their own lives to be thinking of yours and Daniel’s and you suddenly turned to him as he held the door to the restroom open for you. “We should have been louder…we might not even get added to the list now.” “What list?” His eyebrow raised “there’s an actual list for people who have fucked in the bathroom during The Met Gala? It’s not just rumours?” You nodded when he sounded so naïve. “Oh baby, of course there’s a list…” And it was your turn to be winking at him now. And with a shocked but child like inquisitiveness he asked; “Is Lewis on it?”

[jackals-ships]

also thinking about my various iseakid self inserts and the ways they Respond To The Whole Hero thing + general Vibes;

ldb jackal;

ik what god really wants !!! he wants me to kill my mother fuckin self !! that's why he gave me such a bitch ass life !!!

see this is what happens when you're all "ohhh i wanna be the hero it would be so cool" the monkey paw curls and now the call is trying to reach you about your dragons extended warranty

someone let this bitch rest holy SHIT they need a nap and a xanax

corruption arc via initial apathy also go brrr :} god i love forever alduin realizing post murder attempt How Easy it would be to sway them with their more dragon like impulses

WoW jackal;

what's going on in revendreth? "dw about it" okay <3 yay <3

you can't refuse the call if the call has been Actively Hidden From You

incredibly sexy of them to realize what's up and try to kill denathrius only for the Terrible Realization that they Can't (won't) and he planned that from the start

anyways even if you Can't kill ur evil bf you can ✨annoy the shit outta him✨ oh you wanna bring bitch baby back? lol. lmao. no. ur gonna be too busy with me slapping shit off ur desk

dai jackal;

god has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished

the call said im going to beat you over the head and you have No Choice Fuck You

you want me to lead everyone? and not lemme check my notes; THE FUCKING SEEKER? OR COMMANDER? OR SPY MASTER?? ANYONE ELSE????

pointing at solas i am Not gonna fuck that man i do NOT trust him bc i Know What He Is (🐺) (🌈)

shit

fuck

FUCK

-FUCK

[lifeinthegladhouse]

when i was medicated it sucked, a lot, because i was on the wrong meds. not as wrong as when i was on ssris but still. anyways, i started taking this supplement my doc told me about, and i swear to god, it's like microdosing a xanax sometimes, but other times, i feel the old me start to come back, which is wild because usually any kind of 'med' just makes me feel less like myself and blunt affect but this is starting to help and im absolutely blown away by that fact... its subtle but theres just this like 5-10% gap where i start to think abt the future again or remember what i used to care about and boy it's wow.

i never thought there would be a day when i stopped caring about so many of the things that made me me. i didnt know hhow to even perceive of it as depression after so much in life. i felt like so many years depression just made me one kind of way, but it didnt erase who i was, so this experience seemed ... incredibly harrowing.

im still terrified to try snri's but im excited to try something. i want to enjoy my life while im here.

[roostertuftart]

13(Kyle?) 20, and 27?

13. Unpopular opinion about Kyle?

GOOD QUESTION, because wow is he a spicy character to have ANY opinions on right now...

Ummm Gonna lean into something I wanted to say earlier about him when I was talking about Kyman, because I don't see this factor of his character really given attention by either kymans or styles (where the fandom is most prominently divided on Kyle, I think) and I kinda feel in between it as a big shipper of Style who's also really intrigued by the complexities of Kyle and Eric's dynamic.

And sorry if any of my language comes off anti any ships here, I just want to work off of the debate I've seen between both of them to talk about this but I'm not trying to step on any fingers here!!

I've seen it said often as an argument for Kyman that Kyle is absolutely obsessed with Eric back, and I've seen in turn Styles often like to downplay Kyle and Eric's dynamics entirely or act like it's completely insane to suggest this idea- But I kind of agree Kyle is???

Personally, what I think is that Kyle absolutely is obsessed with Eric, what he's doing, what he's up to, who he talks to, etc, but I just don't think this is due to some sort of underlying romance. I think Kyle is meant to be portrayed in the show as being incredibly invested in what Cartman is up to because

Kyle has made it his personal mission to fix Cartman/keep him in line. He often seems to believe it's his job to guide him into doing better, keep him out of trouble, keep him from hurting people, and keep him from getting hurt himself (though I think this comes out of Kyle giving into his guilt watching Cartman actively suffering, there's also been multiple times Kyle encouraged him to get himself killed)

I just think Kyle is genuinely nervous about Cartman. Now this isn't particularly obvious- It's not like we see Kyle showing any real signs of fear around Eric, but I do see signs of anxiety that are far more subtle- The important thing to remember here is that Kyle rarely show's many negative emotions beyond anger. It's how he processes many things, and when anger doesn't work, we often see him shut down emotionally (Ex. scenes in The List and Ginger Cow). This isn't to say Kyle never shows sadness/fear, he definitely does! But these tend to come out more in specific situations where as more often, he represses these emotions and keeps his vulnerabilities out of obvious reach. Idk, I'm rambling a bit here but the point is that I think a lot of Kyle's quickness to get so angry and worked up over Cartman, his need to know what he's up to and try to jump on it is a reaction done out of anxiety that I'm not even sure Kyle is aware of. I think this is especially prevalent in say, Post Covid, where we see Kyle has seemed to gotten a very good control over his anger and aggression UNTIL he has to face Eric, to which immediately he is paranoid and jumping on everything Eric says to him, refusing to believe anything he sees and positive it's some jab against him that he'll pay for the moment he give in to believing it. And I don't think this is unfair of Kyle! Of course he's distrustful! Eric has put him through a lot, fooled him many times, and Kyle just can't keep it together anymore the moment he has to speak to him. Just... The entire meltdown of this calm collected persona he's been managing along with his paranoia just comes off so much as anxiety to me. Not to mention, I do think Kyle has anxiety he's not aware of. The way he describes anxiety as normal in Buddha Box and goes into detail what is "normal" to feel like... "Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it." Damn Kyle. Get therapy honey. You need a Xanax or something. None of that is normal and the fact that he has become so deluded to believe it is is pretty tragic, but kind of supports that he doesn't even recognize the feelings making him act out so aggressively as an anxiety response.

Anyway TLDR Kyle is obsessed with Eric because of paranoia and anxiety/his need to be a good person and "fix" him

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

k2 next question

nah but seriously, this ship has no discourse, the nicest shippers... Is just as a ship genuinely super sweet and nice and wholesome and lovely, Kenny and Kyle just feel like characters who really understand each other and function well together. I love them and I love K2 shippers.

27 is right here!

Based on this ask list :)

[queernuck]

so, last night my dad got home with dinner, was being his usual somewhat odd self, was just generally acting like the asshole he tends to be and it was just kind of business as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary, just that he tends to be, well, an asshole. and that wasnt unexpected, he gets like that a lot, and i can deal with it.

yesterday, at some point, I realized that I probably need a refill on my clonazepam script, which I cant verify without asking, who always gets really bitchy about it, who makes sure that she makes it as demeaning and awful of an experience as possible to even talk about these things. she is very good at it, as well, and knows exactly what things to say to be insulting, to be vicious, to make me feel vulnerable and awful and more than anything just makes me feel worthless. and like, this is a routine thing for her, she takes whatever opportunities she can to make me feel this way and is very open about that. i have no idea if she realizes how miserable i am, and if she did then she would likely blame me, would yell at me about not responding to TMS or claim that I ruined its efficacy by doing drugs over the course of treatment (which is...more than a bit ridiculous) or just generally looking at me with contempt

by contrast, my dad at least makes some occasional attempts at reaching out, sometimes seems to have a sense of how much pain i am in, although not really accepting it in full, not really understanding it, not getting it. and last night was just another example of him not getting it, not understanding it. he specifically said that psych meds are apparently to help me get better, are not supposed to be things that you take long-term. which, well, that is something that I might argue in certain circumstances and in fact I want to be off of my SSRI because I feel it has not been helpful, I want to change ADHD meds to one that is a stimulant so that I get actual use out of it instead of it just being...whatever the fuck Strattera IS, as an incredibly expensive drug that has no real usefulness for me, and I want to stay ON Clonazepam because it is at least SOMETIMES helpful, and in fact would like to ADD another benzodiazepine like a high dose of Ativan or a decent prescription of Xanax so that I have something for acute anxiety as well as to treat the underlying and structurally-embedded anxiety I have so much trouble with.

but that is about my own personal needs, as well as an anti-psychiatric perspective that itself flows through being relatively familiar with psychiatry and how it works, how it feels to be in psychiatric care, how psychiatry abuses people. he, on the other hand, just doesnt take the meds hes prescribed because...thats just how he is. like, he doesnt take meds for his thyroid, or B12 despite having an absolutely AWFUL memory, like a fucking ATROCIOUS memory, and has never done anything about likely having ADHD. he just does not give a shit, he just has a perspective on meds that is more than a little bit absurd, and he is proud to impose that on me, too!

and so when I was asking about my clonazepam prescription, how many I had left, kind of anxious because all of a sudden I had fixated on worrying that I maybe didnt have enough, that I maybe would run out, so on, so I asked him to make sure that I had enough for the next few days. I asked this in the evening, after dinner, because I hoped that he would be able to check for me without needing to ask my mom, who would then use it as an opportunity to chastise me or scorn me or whatever. and he was deflecting and asking why I need to know and just generally being obstinate and awful and a fucking asshole, and then he told me to just go downstairs, like as a kind of “go to your room”-esque statement.

and he got mad enough that he was banging his fucking fist on the table, which was terrifying! i was genuinely scared and I wanted to get the fuck out of there so I tried to bolt, pissed and scared and just in an awful fucking mood, and he got mad at me for that too, for storming off when he was the one who was escalating shit.

and then, after all of that, he guilts me into listening to him go on about the mistakes he’s made with me, the ways that he made mistakes more generally, all of that. he said that the biggest mistake he ever made was sending me off to college at Trinity, and like, I don’t know if he meant that in the sense of not making me go to a school that gave me money, or if he thought sending me off to college as a WHOLE is something that he never should have done, or if this or that or the other thing was like, a mistake. I genuinely have no idea. I know that he also said something about it being a mistake to have let me work on a political campaign and that the nastiness of an electoral campaign was awful and that like, I think he was implying that it was what moved me to the left and as a result bad things happened? Im not really sure on that. Im not sure him or my mother realize that like, the beginning of my own major depression, the beginning of the turn that lead to the lows I’ve had since began while I was at school and just kept on getting worse, I have no clue. I do know that they blame me for it, I know they think I just haven’t worked hard enough.

And now I’m here. I’m sad. I’m real fucking sad. I’m lonely. I feel worthless. I feel like an awful person. I also want to get right back to doing the exact sort of things that my parents think make me an awful person! like, I really want some fucking heroin or some coke right now. I really have trouble dealing with the world while im sober, i really hate being forced into sobriety through this, through my parents taking my ID, taking my paychecks, making it so that the only places I go are my workplace and home. I hate it, I fucking hate it and I am so tired of it, so fucking TIRED, that I legitimately want to off myself but am at such a low place that I can hardly even think about figuring out how to go about doing that, how to make it so that I at least can have a glimmer of hope, one last moment of “wow, I at least did some cool things” before I go so that I can feel as if I’m leaving meaningfully.

theyre keeping me relatively close to the sobriety they want but they are doing it by making my life fucking miserable, by making it so that I have to struggle, so that I am basically being hung out unsympathetically to dry. next weekend, while she visits my siblings down in DC, my mom is going to be taking part in a walk against addiction held by a foundation that has been embraced by my aunt after her son, my cousin, died of an OD after a relapse. my mom is a former nurse, and is a fucking unsympathetic person when it comes to addiction and substance abuse. she seems to have no understanding of why people resort to using drugs, she has been mocking and patronizing when talking about my own drug use, and always looks at it in the most awful terms possible. but that’s just who she is, that’s just how my dad is, all of this is where I am stuck right now.

i want to be fucking out.

[andysambergstan]

In light of that Lohank question, I recently came across Andy's interview with playboy. There was a direct question about depression. I'll just quote here. The question was "[...]Have you ever had to dip into Xanax or talk to a therapist?" Andy: "Yes, I have. Not a ton. I'm generally a pretty happy person. For a lot of people, the honesty and realness that produce the best comedy means you're facing the world as it is. You're trying to uncover some truth, and that can be painful and scary. [1/3]

[2/3] There’s a lot of things about being a human on earth that there are no answers to, and that’s the scariest part of it, depending on your faith and what you believe. I think most comedians believe in comedy, which we do with some pretty daunting unanswered questions, and that can lead to depression. That said, when I get down it’s generally more about working myself too hard and losing my handle. Or something incredibly sad happens in the world or in my world and I’m affected by that.

[3/3] I definitely feel things deeply. And when you feel great joy and major highs, you are susceptible to major lows.“ In the same interview he mentioned the relationship (and marriage) with Joanna made him "happier, calmer, more comfortable with life”.

i’ve read this 3 times now, and all i can think to answer is “wow”. he’s so genuine and articulate and just a gem af a guy. those stuff are not that easy to acknowledge… i’ve always assumed he’s “a pretty happy person”, i suppose we all do, and it’s kinda nice to know that he really is happy, but he also struggles sometimes, just like the rest of us. and him and joanna just… ugh!

[trevoriirw639]

The Worst Videos of All Time About sandale piele

The first time I saw Heath Ledger, it absolutely was accidentally. My day and later on to-be partner, Nick, took me to determine ‘The Sixth Perception’, at last succumbing to look pressure to guess the large surprise ending. By now, ‘The Sixth Perception’ was off the major theater chain circuit and only screening in smaller suburban independent theaters, which led us to practical experience a type of now rare occasions: a double-attribute matinee. The main movie was ’10 Things I Loathe About You’.

Very well handed teen videos, even All those with Shakespearian-centered scripts, we shyly admitted to liking ten Matters. Wow, I really like the male guide, what was his identify? Hes Australian, you realize, replied Nick. And in standard Aussie-vogue, I was doubly amazed and now stupidly crammed with countrywide satisfaction. A further outstanding Australian up-and-comer to affix the speedily expanding queue to grace Hollywood screens.

Many years afterwards, I might often grab the DVD to fill a cheerless afternoon and locate myself viewing and rewinding exactly the same scene. Time and again and over again. My solution responsible pleasure. Heath sliding down the pole, microphone in hand, singing Youre just far too superior being genuine, cant just take my eyes off of you The brass band kicks in. Which charmingly defiant half-run, 50 %-prancing throughout The varsity methods. The scene is excellent. Its inexplicable. He just has that previous-fashioned it element.

Im not a star-struck supporter and was never ever a type of teens with Motion picture-star idol posters plastered around my Bed room walls, but this Youngsters bought talent.

After which came All those scene-stealing roles that thoroughly blew us absent. The Patriot. Monsters Ball. And at last top-person standing and an Academy Award nomination. By now, we were just utilized to owning One more popular Australian up there with the rest of the world’s good expertise churning out an unlimited array of numerous, still illustrious movie roles.

We experienced no idea. It was not limitless. It wasn't what we expected.

When individuals who Ive in no way fulfilled but significantly admire die, Im unhappy. But Ive by no means cried before. I have not right before felt that coronary heart wrenching overwhelming shock that lasted for days following I read the information. This time it absolutely was in some way additional private. The moment I read through the specific listing of the first report of his deathbed scene, I intuitively knew how he died.

10 days afterwards the ultimate professional medical examiners report confirmed my suspicions.

Hollywood is Xanax-city. Sensation down, pop a Xanax. Experience stressed, pop a Xanax. Should accomplish at your best possible, pop a Xanax. A-record stars really feel the strain to offer A-quality performances when engaged on multi-million greenback movies. There’s excessive revenue at stake. The extreme strain, the two inside and exterior, is immeasurable. The studios are jeopardizing billions, spending The celebs thousands and thousands, along with the actors are unnaturally subjected to more pressure than we mere mortals can imagine.

Heath Ledger, himself, admitted that after the around the world release of the Knights Tale with its instant paparazzi-bulb-flashing stardom, his strain stages improved 10-fold.

Xanax is definitely the trade name with the generic anti-anxiety/tranquillizer prescription drug, alprazolam, mentioned in Ledgers toxicity report. One other anti-stress and anxiety drug was diazepam, or more frequently referred to as Valium. These prescription drugs are from a class of frequently prescribed tranquilizers known as benzodiazepines or just often called benzos.

According to the most current National Wellbeing Study, around 10 million scripts of benzos are penned yearly in Australia alone with its meagre inhabitants of twenty million compared to three hundred million in the US.

Many Medical doctors will compose a script for benzos a lot quicker than a rushing bullet. But the actual Risk is always that a lot of of these don't know the very long-term outcomes these medications have with your technique, how to present their people the correct suggestions when administering or checking the dosages, and additional frighteningly – how to handle their clients benzo withdrawal method.

For starters, That is how benzos have an affect on The body or maybe more importantly your brain. Benzodiazepines improve, or somewhat, boost your brains primary neurotransmitter, generally referred to as GABA. Finally, and this can be as promptly as three to 4 months if using a each day dose, your Mind will end manufacturing its very own GABA and rely completely to the synthetic benzo.

GABA is An important neurotransmitter mainly because it influences nearly almost everything else. Primarily it boosts the brains other neurotransmitters like Serotonin and Dopamine. Every one of the brains neurotransmitters have essential features which include, voluntary motion in the muscles, wakefulness, slumber, memory perform, sensory transmission – Specifically discomfort, and much, a lot more.

The trouble is usually that from this level on your brain requires more benzo as tolerance begins the downward spiral, as well as Mind needs better and higher dosages to obtain exactly the same effect. In case the affected individual will not be supplied the right dosage or administration information, that insidious and infrequently-undiagnosed disorder called Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome (BWS) will start its unpleasant and most likely hazardous descent.

BWS is understood by industry experts in the field for its severity and prolonged character. It could get several years to fully withdraw from benzos, In spite of proper treatment and supervision. With out this knowledge, the unwitting affected person can put up with about 30 symptoms, the commonest remaining unrelenting sleeplessness, extreme ache and mood improvements. People who have been using benzos for a relatively small time can working experience withdrawal indicators even although getting the drug. Moreover, if you have been getting them for a prolonged time, then out of the blue halt, dire instances may possibly occur. Or, for the pretty minimum, extra suffering, more despair and unrelenting sleeplessness.

Once we now examine Heath Ledgers issues, does this audio acquainted? Anything points to Extraordinary Benzo Withdrawal, but no-one particular is exclaiming its potential risks. In reality, most GPs and in some cases medical center Medical doctors acknowledge they know hardly any about Benzo Withdrawal. Some even refer their sufferers to drug rehabilitation centers an absolute no-no In line with sandale rieker benzo counselors. Benzo withdrawal is the precise reverse to alcohol or Avenue drug dependency. You dont choose to abruptly eliminate the benzo from the physique, because they frequently do in drug rehabilitation. The Mind requires the benzo. A person must steadily withdraw the synthetic benzo until the brain can sooner or later raise its individual GABA. Unexpected cessation of benzos could potentially cause critical difficulties which include seizures and blackouts.

When in BWS, the counselors suggest towards taking any medication or medications in any respect. Paracetamol might be The one thing the body can cope with for agony aid. Almost nothing else. Even codeine is forbidden. Also, one particular must entirely refrain from alcohol, caffeine, and all stimulants. There exists a robust protocol to be followed and devoid of this expertise, the affected person is easily place at fantastic chance.

The Ashton Guide, the acknowledged benzodiazepine bible, warns:

Drug interactions: Benzodiazepines have additive consequences with other drugs with sedative steps such as other hypnotic’s, some antidepressant’s (e.g. amitriptyline [Elavil], doxepin [Adapin, Sinequan]), main tranquilizers or neuroleptics (e.g. prochlorperazine [Compazine], trifluoperazine [Stelazine]), anticonvulsant’s (e.g. phenobarbital, phenytoin [Dilantin], carbamazepine [Atretol, Tegretol]), sedative antihistamines (e.g. diphenhydramine [Benadryl], promethazine [Phenergan]), opiates (heroin, morphine, meperidine), and, importantly, alcohol. Sufferers using benzodiazepines ought to be warned of such interactions. If sedative medicine are taken in overdose, benzodiazepines might include to the potential risk of fatality.

The real difficulty is that there are incredibly several experts in managing BWS; they won't include your neighborhood health practitioner, healthcare facility, or drug clinic. Nevertheless, there are good BWS experts that can be extremely practical, but they are often located in specially funded tranquillizer Restoration clinics.

One need to ask, why dont Health professionals know relating to this? The situation is that they simply just dont. Is it their fault or maybe the pharmaceutical organizations that cash in on these addictions? There is little or no dissemination of knowledge in the Group, the medical fraternity or within the pharmaceutical companies about benzodiazepines. And, In line with BWS counselors Functioning in the sphere, There is certainly insufficient study or empirical scientific tests on the results of benzos and BWS management to assist them with their intense workload’s.

Why? Who's at fault? Who's answerable for remedying the specific situation? Why would be the people who generate the scripts uninformed with regard to the following-consequences and probable risks connected with benzodiazepines?

Can our beloved Heath Ledgers Demise be a minimum of a person catalyst that should attract this devastating travesty to the public’s interest to demand more info?

I hope so.

[therapybabbie]

December 18, 2020

i’m starting this blog so i can have a place to journal my progress when i start intensive outpatient therapy in a couple weeks. i’m having the worst mental health of my entire life right now, which is honestly saying something because this is (i think) the fourth time in my life that i’ve genuinely wanted to be dead. i wouldn’t consider myself suicidal because i’m too scared of pain, death, and hurting my family to ever actually do anything, but when i feel like this it’s more like i just wish i’d never been born or wasn’t conscious. 

anyway, my depressive episodes have only gotten worse with each succeeding episode, so i guess i’ve finally realized that it’s time to treat my mental health like the emergency it is. also, the more i age the more i start to notice the growing discrepancy between how my brain is maturing emotionally (it’s not) vs. peers in my age group (theirs actually are). i lack a lot of incredibly basic life skills, and i’m actually getting worse at them with age rather than better. i always thought my depression would get better as i got older, as my brain matured etc., but i guess i wasn’t thinking of depression as an illness that progresses if left untreated, and mine has been progressing like crazy. 

i’m becoming increasingly unable to force myself to do things that i don’t want to do, cope with negative emotions, feed myself, drink water, take medicine, prevent myself from impulsive behaviors, etc. i’m aware that i’ve been pretty dangerously dehydrated now for about 6 years, to the point that i have fainted a few times, had a lot of liver pain, and have chronic gum disease and have to go to the dentist every 2 months (spent at least $2,000 on that by now) bc i don’t have enough saliva to keep my gums or teeth healthy. what is the reason??????? i literally cannot force myself to drink water. getting up to get it is, like, painful for me, as well as having to get up to pee all the time if i’m actually hydrated. i really don’t know how to explain this because there is no reason why i’m doing this to myself when it is so easy to fix and it’s causing such horrible problems with my body. all i can say is, it sounds insane because it is.

i also do not eat like a normal person, to the point that i know i’m anemic and vitamin deficient, but can’t do anything about it. i don’t cook food or eat at home because something about that process is incredibly painful to me. if i put myself in a situation where that’s what i have to do that day, i will just not eat. i usually just end up getting really expensive favor orders or fast food. this is super unhealthy to the point that it’s impairing my brain function, not to mention being a waste of money, but i cannot stop. in college, my social anxiety was so bad that i pretty much avoided meals to the point that i don’t get hungry the way a normal person does anymore. most of the time, i don’t get hungry at all because my stomach is in a lot of pain from either anxiety or just unhealthy eating habits. every once in a while, i get incredibly hungry but then i order a bunch of food and can’t eat very much of it because my stomach gets weirdly full quickly. this hasn’t even resulted in weight loss, however, because all of the food i’m eating is unhealthy and i don’t do anything to exercise.

aside from becoming increasingly unable to care for my health in even the most basic ways, i’ve had a lot of negative things happen to me this year that i can’t cope with. the worst has been my breakup with m, which has been a catastrophic year-long shitshow and been difficult for me to process or understand. he broke up with me back in september 2019, we got back together by that november, he started treating me like shit by january, i dumped him on Easter, he wormed his way back by late may and even though i wouldn’t get back together with him we were still hanging out constantly until august when i found out some disturbing shit he did back in january and started this terrible cycle of cutting him off every few weeks only to let him back in my life to some degree.

luckily, each time letting him talk to me again has gotten shorter and shorter. the last time was two weeks ago and we were only on speaking terms for a week total before i told him to leave me alone again, so that is progress. it just sucks when you so desperately want to believe that someone was who you thought they were while you were together, yet they keep doing more and more to prove that that was fake and they are actually a bad person. i wish i could’ve just had a normal breakup, where i’m sad about the loss but still think the person is fundamentally good. instead, i’m dealing with all these crazy feelings of realizing m was never who i thought he was, was not really a good person at all, and probably did not love me (at least not the way most people feel love or the way i loved him). it sucks to realize that nobody has ever actually been in love with you and that the person you’ve been in love with the most in your life did not really exist. it makes me hate myself, honestly.

i haven’t used benzos since my birthday 1.5 months ago, but that was another problem i was having basically from june-october this year. i’ve never loved any feeling as much as i loved benzos, other than being in love, but the love was not ever real and the benzos were, so it was probably better for me overall (ha ha). taking xanax or clonazolam was like being submerged in a hot tub that i could breathe in. taking them every night was like slipping into a pool of warm water that was also a portal into another world where i was literally someone else who couldn’t even comprehend the idea of anxiety, let alone experience it. i’m sorry, but people who don’t do drugs don’t understand that there actually is not any genuine human experience you can have that feels better in the moment than drugs do. the only problem is that the drug feeling comes with so many negative side effects that it isn’t worth it. coming to terms with the fact that i will never feel as good as i did with drugs, that i will feel good again but in a different way that takes a lot of work, has sucked. i was damaging my brain and body so bad that i was near killing myself and i’m pretty lucky my heart didn’t stop from everything i was combining (coke, benzos, adderall, alcohol). now i’m only letting myself drink and do coke (but NEVER together...i don’t even like coke unless it’s by itself or with benzos, it feels so dirty when you mix it with drink).

anyway, i also just don’t like my roommate but that is honestly the least of my worries. still, it sucks coming home and having her be there and just feeling how much she hates me seeping through our shared wall. i don’t know why i am so good with letting go of friendships but so bad at letting go of romantic relationships LMAO. i mean, i don’t get rid of friends easily at ALL. i’ve only lost 2 friends in the past 12 years and they were friendships i’d had for 13 years and 10 years, respectively. but once i decide i’m done with a friend, i don’t feel sad at all or think about them and if i ever do it’s just like “wow i really don’t like that person.” so it’s been good that i haven’t felt sad about that, but it just sucks that she’s still in my house and i have to kind of be reminded that she exists. and it’s bad for my self esteem bc i know she doesn’t like me, yet she’s aware of anything i do at my own house (although i never see her thankfully). anyway, i’m really excited to start IOP and work on my emotional skills and hopefully get my mind right.

[soyraktajino]

i’m reading a sequence that you never learned again because i’m having a depressive episode and i’ve basically forefitted my grades for the quarter (i’ll make it up. probably. it’s complicated? i don’t wanna talk about it.) and i can’t believe how much i adore this work. 

do you think i could get in trouble for printing it? i’d honestly love to get it bound at fedex. obviously i’d never dream of selling it or anything (i was so furious when the shoebox project was printed and sold without the authors’ consent i literally had to take a xanax so i wouldn’t scream), but i’d just really love to have a hard copy to bring with me without using my phone. 

the only two works of fanfiction i’ve ever considered doing that for are this one, and veritas. do you think fedex would even do it? i don’t really want it bound in like, 8.5x11, but i know how to bind a book the way they’re sold (perks of working for the library. i miss that job.) and i know that’d cost upwards of $50, and i don’t, uh. i don’t particularly want to do that. 

anyway here’s a link to my favorite work of fanfiction ever and a short synopsis:

a sequence that you never learned 

on an away mission gone awry, Jim is blinded and imprisoned where he meets Sorek, an 8 year old Vulcan who’s been imprisoned for weeks before Jim got there. they’re left to starve, and Sorek keeps Jim alive until Spock saves them. the two are incredibly attached to each other, and when Jim learns that Sorek’s fate after imprisonment potentially mirrors his own childhood of being stuck with estranged relatives who could care less about his well-being, Jim decides to adopt Sorek. To do so, he has to attain Vulcan citizenship -- yep, it’s a fake marriage fic!! but their commitment to each other has always been real, and their commitment to Sorek is just as strong. but some mysterious messages suggest their original away mission stumbled upon something much darker, and this threatens the safety of all of them. 

~65k words, complete. 

one of my favorite works of fiction of all time, not just fanfiction. i’ve read it like, at least 5 times now. it never stops being funny and suspenseful and heartwarming and just, wow, i’m so serious, this is my favorite thing. 

[artificialqueens]

Something New- Chapter 6 (Trixya) - Julie

AN: Thank you guys so so much for all the lovely feedback on my last chapter! It really meant a lot to me. And to the anonon that asked for longer chapters - this is 5k.

Feel free to say Hi on my blog @trixyaas !

Chapter 6 includes: deep talks, trans issues, Violet Chachki being protective and smut.

There was a bit of a pronoun discussion going on a few days ago regarding another fic and I just wanted to clarify that Something New is written out of Brian’s point of view and that’s why Violet is described with he/him pronouns at first, but when it’s mentioned that they use they/them it quickly changes. Thanks for reading! - Julie

Brian was nervous when he knocked at Katya’s door. It’s just dinner between friends, he reminded himself, but his hands were sweating regardless. Kim had picked up Keira half an hour ago, when Brian was fresh out of the shower and had just applied too much cologne. Kim had just scrunched his nose and reminded him that it was dinner and not a prom date. Brian had punched him in the arm.

When Katya opened her door Brian’s heart stopped beating. He was sure he would die right there in the dim hallway, standing in front of Katya.

She wore a red dress covered in fringe. Her black heels made her almost as tall as Brian. Her hair was braided into two braids, that fell down her shoulders to her breasts, which looked bigger than usual. Brian knew that hormones could give you an A cup, and while he was by no means an expert, he was sure that this was at least a C cup. She dressed up for me, he realized. He couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the little doll hand clipped to the side of her head.

“It’s fashion, Trixie”, she said as a greeting and Brian had to laugh even more.

“You look nice”, he said and Katya smiled.

“I know”, she grinned and Brian snorted. He hadn’t offered her his arm but she took it anyway, linking it with her own.

“You ready?”, she asked and Brian nodded affirmatively.

“So where are we going?”, she asked once they were stood outside of their building. It wasn’t quite dark outside yet and it was still relatively warm.

“There’s a Vegetarian Restaurant nearby”, Brian said, “it’s a fifteen minute walk, are you up for that?”

“I have good company”, Katya said and they started walking, arms still linked together.

“So you said you were into gymnastics?”, Brian asked trying to make conversation.

“Oh yeah!”, Katya said, “I come from a fitness family, you know? My parents insisted that we all did sports and I stuck with gymnastics.”

“I thought of singing Keira up for a class”, Brian explained.

“It’s honestly so much fun”, she said, “wait!” she unlinked their arms and looked around herself. Then she pulled up her dress a little and slowly sank into a split. Right there in the middle of the pavement. But because this was LA and people paid her no mind. Well, except for Brian, who watched her with an open mouth.

“Oh my god”, he exclaimed when she hit the ground. She bounced up and down a couple of times and he laughed. Then she swung her legs around and extended her arm, wiggling her fingers. Brian grabbed her hand and pulled her back up.

“That was – wow”, he said and Katya smirked.

“I’m a woman of many talents”, she said and let go of his hand to link their arms again. She was closer now, her side pressed against his and he could feel his skin shivering underneath is clothes. God, the things this woman did to him.

The restaurant wasn’t very crowded even though it was a Saturday. Only a few tables were occupied and Katya and Brian chose a table in the back, further away from where most people were sitting. The walls were painted green and Katya let herself fall onto a white bench while Brian sat down on a chair opposite of her. He watched her as she looked around the restaurant. There were pictures and cloths hanging on the walls. The room was decorated with trinkets that the owner had probably picked up at various flea markets. A little golden elephant figurine was set up next to a hideous red vase. It all was kind of mismatched and it reminded him of Katya’s flat. Keira had loved the place when they had discovered it. She had looked around in awe, not unlike Katya. Maybe that was why he decided to bring her here, to see her look around in astonishment and to have an excuse to look at her.

“This is a really nice place”, she commented after a while and Brian smiled.

“Keira likes it too”, he said and Katya looked at him with her blue eyes.

“I can see why.”

“Hi, I’m Jason, I’m your waiter for the evening”, a bored voice suddenly said next to Brian. He looked up at the young man who wore his long black hair in a bun. He wore tight black jeans and a white dress shirt.

“Can I bring you anything to – BITCH”, he suddenly shrieked loudly. Some heads turned their way and Brian looked at Katya confused but the blonde woman just stared at their waiter open mouthed.

“Oh. My. God”, she said punctuating every word “you fucking cunt.”

Now, Brian was really confused. He watched as Katya stood up and pulled Jason into a tight hug. When the separated his hands remained on her shoulders. He looked her up and down.

“Bitch you look great”, he said a tad too loud, “look at those tittys!”

“They’re not real”, Katya laughed and Jason joined in.

“Vi, this is Brian”, Katya said, finally turning her head back to Brian, “Brian this is Violet. Well Jason but Violet’s fine. They were my roommate when I used to do drag”, she explained.

“Hi”, Brian waved awkwardly and Jason, or Violet, ignored him. They looked at him quickly and turned their attention back to Katya.

“Get it girl”, they grinned and Katya hit their arm playfully.

“So my boss is gonna get really pissy if I don’t take your orders soon so what do you guys wanna drink?”, they said and Katya sat back down.

“I’ll just have a water”, she said, “oh no wait! Do you have coffee?”

“Bitch it’s 7:30”, Violet said clearly judging her but Katya just shrugged.

“I’ll have a coffee”, she insisted.

“And for you?”, Violet turned their attention to Brian, “something with a lot of alcohol and a Xanax when you’re having to deal with that one?”, they gestured to Katya and she gasped exaggeratedly.

“You’re a whore”, she said and Violet cackled.

“I’ll uh”, Brian said, “I’ll think I’ll just have a water?”, he said and felt incredibly awkward.

“Well don’t say I didn’t try to warn you”, Violet turned around on their heel and walked off. Katya looked after them.

“God I haven’t seen them in ages”, she sighed.

“Did they do drag too?”, Brian asked.

“Oh yeah. I think they still do. At least I hope so, they were so good. God, I had no idea they moved here! The rotted cunt didn’t tell me.” Brian chuckled nervously.

Violet came back with their drinks and set them down before them.

“So are you ready to order?”

“You, uh, you never brought as a menu”, Brian said carefully and Katya started her wheezing laugh that Brian loved to hear. She grabbed the edge of the table. Violet just raised an eyebrow at them and turned around to grab them two menus. They dropped them on the table and crossed their arms. They didn’t leave like any normal waiter would have, instead they just stood there, tapping their food impatiently. Brian felt incredibly uncomfortable and rushed, so he just ordered the first thing he saw.

“I’ll have the Vegan Caesar Salad”, he said and Violet nodded, not writing his order down. Katya took longer to order. She wasn’t phased at all by Violet’s presence and looked through the menu multiple times. Violet coughed a few times to signal that they wanted her to hurry but Katya simply ignored her. She finally closed the menu.

“I’ll have the Vegan Caesar salad as well”, she said and handed Violet her menu.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”, they groaned and Brian had to bite his bottom lip to not start laughing. He didn’t know Violet, but he knew that they probably wouldn’t appreciate being laughed at. He just handed them his menu and Violet grabbed it from his hand.

“Oh my god are you losers wearing the same fucking nail-polish?”, they snickered.

“Fuck off and bring us our food”, Katya said giving Violet a exaggerated smile and they flipped her of. However they did turn around and walked over to the kitchen.

“Violet’s such a bitch”, Katya laughed and Brian smiled at her weakly, not really knowing what to say.

“But really nice. I miss them.”

“Yeah they seem…great”, Brian said carefully and Katya let out a laugh.

“They can come on really strong but once you get to know them, they’re the sweetest. If they like you, that is. If not you’re fucked.”

“I’m a bit intimidated”, Brain confessed.

“When I first met them I thought they wanted to kill me”, Katya laughed, “they are just really really confident.”

“I can tell”, he said, “So tell me about your drag! If you don’t mind, of course.”

Katya sighed.

“It was all really confusing”, she explained, “Like, I thought it would be enough to just dress as a woman at night and perform, but it really wasn’t. I did like a weird Russian character and I did lipsync performances to Russian songs. I think most of the people that came to my shows thought I was actually from Russia”, she chuckled lightly. Brian didn’t say anything to not interrupt her.

“But like I said it was tough, I was in a really bad place. Like I was on so many drugs, it’s a miracle I’m still alive”, she laughed but it sounded forced and nervous. Brian hadn’t seen that coming.

“You don’t have to tell me all this”, he said when he realized she was getting more personal than expected.

“No it’s fine”, she said and took a deep breath, “I’m sober now. Apart from weed, but that’s not doing any harm. I just took the drugs to feel better, you know? Like, I could forget that I was in this body for a few hours. It felt good. Right somehow. Violet actually helped me a lot at the time when I was trying to stop.” Katya looked at Brian, trying to rad his face.

“This is a lot, sorry for dumping that all on you”, she said and took a sip of her coffee.

“I think it’s great, that you’re so open about this”, Brian said earnestly and she smiled at him weakly.

“Sometimes it feels good to talk about it”, she shrugged.

Violet came back with their food and looked at them with judging eyes, sensing the mood-shift.

“Wow, you guys are having a blast, aren’t you?”, they snorted, as they set their salads in front of Brian and Katya. They turned around before either of them could respond and walked off to another table.

“Tell me about you, then”, Katya said and crooked her head slightly.

“What do you want to know?”, he asked between bites.

“How does a gay man get a daughter?”, she asked and Brian sighed.

“I was drunk, I met a girl, I thought ‘Hey, maybe I’m not a too big disappointment to my parents if I’m at least bisexual’, we had sex, it was awful, I forgot about her, nine months later Keira was at my doorstep and I never saw her again”, he explained, not wanting to go into too much detail.

“Ouch”, Katya said, “she sounds lovely.”

“Honestly, I don’t even remember what she looked like”, Brian shrugged, “but I sure had a blast, explaining the whole situation to my parents.” Katya smiled sympathetically.

“Well, from what I can see, she’s turning out pretty good”, she said.

“She is. I never wanted to have kids, but she’s just such a sweetheart. Although I would appreciate it, if you’d stop encouraging her to dress the way she does”, he laughed.

“Hey! Our fashion sense is amazing”, Katya exclaimed and Brian’s heart fluttered a bit, when she said 'our’.

“Is it?”, he questioned and Katya pretended to be shocked.

“I saw you wearing a fucking fanny pack the other day”, and Brian burst out laughing and Katya started wheezing again, slapping her knee repeatedly. A few people turned their heads and looked at them.

“Fair enough”, Brian said when he had calmed down. They continued eating in a comfortable silence. Suddenly he could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket. Slightly panicked he pulled it out, thinking something might had happened to Keira. But Kim had only sent him a photo o f her, sitting on his couch. Her hair looked ridiculous, Kim had put it into many little ponytails and she was snuggled in a blanket. Her eyes were closed and a bowl of half eaten popcorn was balanced on her lap. Brian smiled fondly at his screen and then turned his phone around to show Katya.

“Aaaaww”, she squealed and then took his phone from his hands.

“May I?”, she asked but she was already typing something.

“There”, she said and and handed it back to him, “I put in my number. Feel free to send me pictures of your child whenever you want. That sounds creepy. I mean that in a non-creepy, non-predatory way.” Brian snorted when he saw what name she had given herself.

“Russian Hooker”, he read out loud and Katya grinned at him cheekily.

“Text me something, so I’ll have your number as well”, she demanded and Brian considered briefly what to text her. She laughed out loud when she got his text.

To Russian Hooker: How much do you charge?

“More than you can afford, Trixie”, she said as she saved his number.

“Since your inviting me, I’m going to go the bathroom while you pay, okay?”, she said and stood up before he could say anything.

He made eye contact with Violet and signaled for them to come over.

“I’d like to pay”, he said but Violet ignored him and sat down in Katya’s seat.

“Listen”, they said, their voice stern, “I’m going to say a few things to you and you’re gonna listen, understood?”, Brian nodded and he hated that he was so intimidated by them.

“I’m not only sexy, I’m also smart”, they said, “and I know that Katya wants to fuck you,” Brian’s eyes widened at that but Violet continued, “and I also know that you want to fuck her.”

“I don’t - “, Brian started but he was interrupted by Violet again.

“Shut up, yes you do. Katya is very fragile. Katya has been hurt before and she doesn’t trust people easily. I don’t know why but she seems to trust you.”

“You haven’t talked to her in years”, Brian said, a bit annoyed by the fact that Violet was trying to, to what? To threaten him?

“I still know her better than you”, Violet said and raised an eyebrow in a challenging way. Brian said nothing.

“I can also tell that you’re gay. And while Katya might have a dick she’s still not a man, you understand? She’s not going to be the fulfillment of some weird fetish you might have.”

Violet leaned in closer.

“I might haven’t seen her for a while but if you fucking hurt her I will fucking castrate you!”, they said through gritted teeth. They leaned back again.

“That’s 23$”, they said and stood up, slamming the bill on the table.

“I don’t want to fuck her”, Brian said but the words didn’t sound convincingly. Who was he kidding? Yes, he wanted to.

“Oh, please”, Violet snorted. In that moment Katya came back from the bathroom

“What’s going on?”. She asked, sensing the awkward tension.

“I’m waiting for him to pay”, Violet said and Brian wondered if it even took effort to sound so annoyed, if they had to practice it or if it just came naturally. He quickly fumbled out his wallet and put some cash on the table, leaving Violet a too high tip. They definitely didn’t deserve it but if Brian was being honest, he was kind of afraid of them.

Katya pulled them into a tight hug and he could see Violet soften. They handed her a piece of paper and said: “Call me. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” Katya kissed their cheek once and pulled away from them, walking over to where Brian was standing. She took his hand as if it was naturally and smiled at Violet.

“See you around, whore”, she said and Violet winked.

“Bye cunt”, they said and Brian wondered if that would be how he talked if he had done drag professionally.

“Uh bye”, he said and waved but Violet just turned around and ignored him.

The air had cooled down drastically as they stepped outside the restaurant.

“Fuck”, Katya said, “it’s cold!”

Brian could see her shivering. Reluctantly, he let go of her hand, to take off his jacket. He wrapped it around her shoulders and she glanced at him.

“Aren’t you going to be cold?”, she asked and Brian shook his head.

“I’m alright”, he said. It was a lie, he was cold, but he found himself thinking that he’d gladly be cold if that meant Katya wasn’t.

“So what did Vi say to you?”, she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Nothing important”, he lied and he could see that Katya didn’t believe him. She didn’t pressure him into talking though, and he appreciated it.

“I have the feeling that they think they’re better than me”, he said instead and Katya giggled.

“They probably are”, she said, “They’re better than most people. Problem’s just they know it.”

“Mhmm”, Brian said. He didn’t know how to think of Violet and it frustrated him. But Katya seemed to think highly of them and that had to count for something.

“Thank you for dinner”, Katya said and Brian smiled at her fondly.

“Thank you for the painting”, he replied.

“I had fun tonight”, she continued, “it felt great being able to talk so honestly with someone.”

“Well, if you ever want to talk you have my number, hooker”, Brian grinned and Katya laughed. It was so easy to make her laugh and Brian suddenly felt like this was his sole purpose in life. Making her laugh, making her happy.

“Sure thing, Tracy”, she said.

“Trixie”, he corrected but Katya just shrugged.

“Trixie, Tracy, Tallulah – it’s all the same.”

“If you say so”, he said and they walked next to each other, their bodies close but not quite touching. Brian was cold and Katya had taken a cigarette out of her purse a few minutes ago. He knew that the smell would linger and that it would be hard to wash it out off the jacket but he also knew that he didn’t mind, because this was Katya. He knew that he didn’t mind that Katya was a woman either. He had found her intriguing ever since he first met her. He knew that he wanted to get to know her better, that he wanted to make her laugh.

He knew that he wanted to fuck her, or maybe that he wanted to get fucked by her, Violet be damned. She was something else, something new, and Brian was drawn to her.

They were standing in front of their building and Brian was fumbling with his keys while Katya stepped out her cigarette. He held the door open for her and her side brushed against him when she entered. They climbed up the stairs in silence and Katya stopped at his door. She pulled the jacket from her shoulders and handed it to Brian.

“Do you, uh, do you want to come in for a drink?”, he asked and all of the sudden he felt nervous.

“I don’t drink, I’m an ex-addict”, she reminded him.

“Right”, he said but he made no move to enter his flat.

And then all of the sudden Katya pressed him against his door with a surprising amount of strength and her mouth was on his. Brian gasped in surprise but then he was kissing her back and his hands came to rest on her hips. Katya broke the kiss, too soon for Brian’s liking, but her body remained pressed against his. The door handle was digging into his lower back uncomfortably but he couldn’t care less. He had dropped the jacket and it was lying to their feet. He could taste smoke on his lips.

“I can still come in though”, her voice was low and he could feel her breath hot on his cheek, “if you want me to.”

“Please”, he said, fingers still digging into her side.

He reached behind him to open his door and they stumbled into his dark flat. It took him a while to find the light switch next to the door but eventually the he got it and there was Katya, standing in his entry area, looking gorgeous despite the crappy lightning. She looked at him, her lips slightly parted and Brian took a step forward, cupping her cheeks.

“You are so beautiful”, he mumbled before he pressed his lips onto hers and he could feel how she practically melted into the kiss, deepening it. Her fingers gripped the front of his shirt and he could feel her nails through the thin fabric. He pressed her against the door and ow it was her who was trapped. Her hands left his chest and trailed down his body and then she was grabbing his ass and he groaned against her mouth. She chuckled lightly and suddenly her tongue entered his mouth.

“Where is your bedroom?”, she asked when she broke the kiss, leaving Brian panting for more. He took her hands and led her there. Once they had entered, Katya pushed him onto the bed and then she was on top of him, straddling him. Her mouth was back on his and now Brian was the one who let his hands roam around her back before they came to rest on her ass. Her grabbed it experimentally and she moaned into the kiss. Brian realized her never wanted her to stop making those noises, ever.

He could feel her hands at the hem of his shirt and he lifted his arms so she could take it off. Katya threw it on the ground next to his bed and her hands were on his chest again. Without the shirt in the way the sensation was so much more and Brian gasped when she flicked his left nipple. He could hear Katya giggle and he loved how she never stopped laughing, not even in a situation like this. She placed little kisses down his chin and Brian moaned when she reached his neck, tipping his head back to give her better access. She licked over his Adam’s apple and then she began to suck at the skin at his collarbone. Her fingers were still playing with his nipple and Brian grabbed her ass harder. She moaned into the crook of his neck and Brian knew that she was going to leave a mark, that Kim would tease him over relentlessly but he didn’t care. He could feel himself getting hard and he knew that Katya could feel it too because all of the sudden she was grinding down on his lap and Brian moaned loudly.

“Katya”, he breathed out and she giggled again. She reached around to her back to unzip her dress but Brian was faster. He fumbled with the zipper a little but then he finally managed to pull it down. Katya stood up and was now standing in front of him to step out of her dress. Brian was palming his erection through the fabric of his jeans and he was so aware of his own loud breathing. Katya let the dress fall to the ground and kicked it aside so it was now laying next to Brian’s shirt. She wore black lacy underwear. It was matching and Brian asked himself if she had planned all this, if this had been her intention from the beginning. In a touch of doubt he wondered if they were moving too fast but then Katya’s hands were back on his chest were back as she pushed him deeper into the mattress.

He could see that she was hard too.

She was straddling him again and she rocked her hips so their hard dicks were rubbing together.

“This is going to be less attractive now”, Katya warned and reached into her bra to pull out two silicone implants that she placed on Brian’s bed side drawer.

“Can I?”, Brian asked and reached around her back to unclasp her bra. After he fumbled with the bra catch for a few seconds, not managing to open it, Katya swatted his hand away.

“Oh my god, it’s really not that difficult”, she rolled her eyes but he could see that she was grinning. She unclasped it in one swift motion and let it fall to the ground.

Carefully Brian cupped her small breasts with his hands. Katya gasped at the contact and he started to massage her boobs. She moaned and began to grind down harder against his dick.

“Oh fuck”, she moaned, as he flicked his tongue over her now hard nipple.

It felt weird to feel breasts in his hand. Weird but not terrible, and hearing Katya’s soft moans was definitely worth it.

He was still wearing his jeans and the hard fabric pressed down uncomfortably on his dick, Katya’s grinding was not helping.

“I need to-”, he started but Katya’s hands were already unbuttoning his trousers. She had to leave his lap in order for him to be able to take them off but he whimpered at the loss of contact.

Once his jeans were finally on the floor he and Katya looked at each other.

They were both shirtless. A few strands of hair had fallen out of her braids and were now falling into her eye. She pushed them to the side, tucking them behind her ear. Her lip stick was smudged and he could see sweat glister between her breasts. She was breathing heavily, her chest rising quickly. Her cock was hard underneath her lace fabric and Brian wondered if he had ever seen someone this beautiful before.

He knew that the answer was no.

Brian scooted from the bed and dropped to his knees before Katya. He placed his fingers at the hem of her panties and looked up at her.

“Is this okay?”, he asked and Katya nodded above him. He pulled down her underwear and her dick sprang free.

Brian kissed her head and slowly took her dick into his mouth. He could hear Katya hiss above him and he could feel her fingers grabbing his hair.

He began to move his head, taking Katya deeper into his mouth. He swirled his tongue experimentally and Katya’s grip on his hair tightened and she groaned. Brian moaned against her cock and he could feel her bucking her hips. He moved his hands from her hips to her ass to steady himself.

“Brian”, she moaned, “Brian I’m gonna cum.”

He started to move his head faster and one hand left Katya’s butt to stroke himself. She came while moaning his name and he swallowed her cum. He looked up to her through his eyelashes and her mouth was opened while she panted.

“Bed!”, she breathed and he laid down on his back. She climbed on top of him and kissed his mouth hungrily. Her tongue was practically licking the inside of her mouth and Brian knew that she had to taste herself.

Her now soft dick was rubbing against his hard one, sending waves of pleasure. Katya reached between them and started to pump his dick with her hand. He didn’t last long and quickly came over her hand and his stomach.

Katya rolled over and they were lying next to each other in silence. The only thing that could be heard were their loud breathing and panting.

Brian rolled to his side and Katya did the same so they were now facing each other. He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and couldn’t resist the urge to stroke her cheek.

“You are beautiful”, he whispered and she smiled at him.

“How does it feel?”, Brian asked, “Having sex, I mean.”

When Katya didn’t respond immediately he said:”I’m sorry you don’t need to answer that. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No it’s fine”, she assured and paused for a while, gathering her thoughts.

“It’s weird”, Katya admitted, “it feels wrong. Not because of you! But it doesn’t feel right.”

Brian nodded understandingly. He wasn’t offended by her words, not in the least.

“There was a time when I didn’t touch myself”, she said, “I was disgusted by myself. But now I’ve kind of come to accept it. It’s not like it’s going anywhere”, she laughed harshly. There was nu humor in it.

“Don’t you want to get surgery?”, Brain asked.

“Of course”, she said, “but that shit’s expensive. Insurance only covers so much.” She sounded frustrated and Brian felt bad for bringing up the topic.

“I’m sorry”, he just said and Katya smiled at him weakly.

“It’s fine”, she said but Brian knew it wasn’t.

“You should get cleaned up”, she said, motioning to his stomach.

“You’re right”, he said and stood up, feeling bad about leaving Katya, even if it was just for a minute, “Do you need anything?”

“I’m fine”, she repeated.

When Brian returned, Katya’s eyes were closed. He tiptoed around the bed and tried to lay down as gently as possible but when he hit the mattress Katya’s eyes opened slowly.

“Brian?”, she said, “Thank you.”

“For what?”, he asked.

“Everything.”

And with that Katya closed her eyes again and snuggled closer to Brian, draping an arm around him. He didn’t know when he drifted off to sleep.

[threeninjass]

I Got In Trouble With The Law And Now I Have To Go To Court

My friend and I went to a trail I know of to look at swamp stuff and be in nature, and I was hoping I'd find some moss because I thought it would be neat to see if I could grow some moss. I'm really into growing aquatic plants lately.

When we were walking back and could see the parking lot from the trail I saw that there were rangers looking into the windows of my car, and I saw one of them point at my license plate and get excited. I saw their vehicles marked "law enforcement". I know my tags are expired, I know I'm uninsured, so I knew what was about to happen.

I had in my hands a trowel, a box of ziplock bags, and three ziplock bags containing: a clump of moss, a few stems of a plant I think might be Ludwigia sp. that I am experienced with keeping, and some frogbit, a floating plant similar to duckweed. Very small amounts of each.

My friend who was with me was walking ahead of me and I was still trying pretend that everything was cool just in case it was, and I passed a part of the canal where an alligator was earlier so I stopped for a second to see if I could still see him. I heard Bad Cop harshly interrogating my friend:

"I want to know why you let these tags stay expired for so long."

Like what the hell dude. What the fuck do you think the reason is. So she told him it wasn't her car. Bad Cop didn't even ask (I guess that's one reason he's Bad Cop). I walked up then and said it's my car, and he asked the same question, demanding to know why my tags had been expired since 2015, and at this point he tried to work out in his head how many years and months had passed since June of 2015. It took longer than you might expect. 

He was legitimately angry, at me, over expired tags. Like I did it to spite him personally.

"Because I'm poor and it's incredibly expensive to have those things changed over." I still have Washington tags and plates.

When he saw the bags with plants in them, the look on his face made it seem like he thought he was bringing down a notorious meth lab. He asked me if I knew it was illegal to collect that from national parks. I said that I didn't even know this was part of the park. I see people fishing here all the time so I was under the impression that it was not part of the park.

He explained to me that people are allowed to take things tht have to do with food, and that what I had done was a crime. Well fuck.

He asked me what my intentions where with the plants. I said for my aquariums.

"Aquariums, what kind of aquariums?"

I was pretty annoyed. "This one is for a 2 gallon planted tank, these are for my 10 gallon, and this moss is to see if I can propagate moss."  

"Why do you want to propagate moss?"

"...To see if I can."

"So like a science experiment?"

"Yes like a science experiment. Biology is what I do." At this point I indicated my two sciencey tattoos on my arms. He explained that there are invasive species in there, we don't know if you're taking those. I said, "Yes...I know." I wanted to say that I almost certainly knew more about invasives than he did.

“Are you planning on making money off of this moss?” I said, “Uh, I don’t think people...buy moss...”

He told me that some people put them in vials with crystals for healing power or something. I was like no, I definitely do not do that.

At some point during this he asked to take the trowel I had in my hand, which I'd been using to scratch my back. We each had dozens of mosquito bites from the trail.

Then he asked my friend what she'd collected. She said she hadn't collected anything and I agreed with her. He asked her why her arm was in a sling. Whey the fuck did he need to know that? So she told him why, and he asked if her ID was in the satchel at her side under her slinged arm, and if he could reach in and get her ID. Wow. Motherfucker.

She consented and he examined the contents of her purse. She had a small container of pills and he asked what they were, and she said they were xanax.

"Why aren't they in the bottle?"

"Because the bottle's huge!" she said.

Bad Cop interjected at this point telling me to take a deep breath, these were just misdemeanors. I started to take a deep breath, said fuck it, and just breathed normally and stared at him.

He asked to see my registration and insurance. From the look on my face he correctly deduced that I had no insurance. Maybe he's actually an OK cop. I said, "My insurance expired." He asked me how long ago and I said I wasn't sure, maybe a year.

He told me that he could not allow me to drive my car out of this parking lot without insurance. That got me panicking but I think I swallowed it well.

He then asked me about the signs in my car. I was confused and said, "What signs?" I had a poster board in my back seat that said, "It's my birthday, can I please have a hug?" that I made for my birthday, but surely that's not a thing that would arouse a cop's suspicion.

I gave him too much credit. That's exactly what he was talking about. So I explained to him that it was for my birthday and I brought that to Bourbon Street. He said that sometimes people panhandle or whatever and ask for money, and he was wondering if I had any "involvement in that, no judgement." Dude. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Then he asks if I have any other illegal contraband in my vehicle and I said no. He started going down his mental list (I'm kind of proud of him for being able to keep a mental list, he's obviously a good and big boy), "Weapons?" No. "Drugs?" No. "Heroin?" No. "Cocaine?" No, no kind of drugs. "Marijuana?" Still no kinds of drugs.

Then he asked to search my car. I said, "Am I legally obligated to allow you to do that?" He said, "It's gonna be one way or the other." I regret not asking what the other way was. He said people lie to him and usually he finds things. At this point I remembered that I did have animal bones in my trunk, and I was worried he'd find them on his own and worst case scenario think they were human bones and I didn't want that at all, so I told him about them. He said that I'm not allowed to have animal specimens on national park grounds. I said, "Even if I didn't collect them here?" "How do I know that? I just caught you with contraband. Where did you get them?" In the woods. "What woods where?" I don't remember, they've been in there for years. Biology is my thing, when I find specimens like that I collect them.

He asked me to show him the bones, so I opened my trunk and showed him. While I was rifling around in there (I have an inflatable raft that takes up most of the trunk) he said, “You just don’t want me going through your stuff, I understand.” I said, “I don’t want *any* strangers going through my stuff.”

 I guess he was feeling merciful because he didn't search the rest of my car, just asked to see my registration and the most recent insurance card I had. It took me a while to find my registration because I was nervous and my glove box is in disarray and I hadn't needed to find it in a while. Eventually I did. I said, “Here’s the most recent one. I left Seattle in April of ‘15 and this expired in June of ‘15.” Bad Cop is all, “Why’d you leave Seattle? I hear it’s nice.” “Because I lost my job and had to move back in with my family. ALSO WHY I’M POOR.” I said it just like that, in all caps. He went to his SUV and my friend and I just waited.

This whole time there was a whole nother cop here, but he didn't say anything. In my head he's Good Cop, not because he's a good guy, but you know, just relative to Bad Cop. He tried not to show it but I think he was embarrassed at the behavior of his buddy.

I was anxious and angry and didn't want to stare at nothing in silence so I took out my phone. Good Cop says, "Sir, I'm sorry, it's a police thing, you can't be on your phone."

What the fricking fuck. What do you think might happen that you don't want to get on film?  But I didn't say this, I just put my phone away.

Bad Cop asked if there was anyone I knew who could pick us up. At this my point my friend, God fucking bless her, she is the savior of my life right now, said that she was insured, could she drive?

Bad Cop was really reluctant about this but eventually allowed it after explaining to her all the horrible ways in which the world would end if she got in a wreck. My friend was like, "I just won't get in a wreck..."

After what felt like a week but was probably ten minutes, Bad Cop called me over (he consistently mispronounced my name) to his vehicle.

He said he’s going to give me the benefit of the doubt about the bones in my trunk. He explained that I had three charges, the tags, the insurance, and the collection of the plants. He explained that these were federal charges, and I'd have to go to court in New Orleans. He also said, "I know it may not seem like it, but I'm letting you off easy. I did not have to let her drive. Your car would have been in impound for a long, long time." Man, fuck this guy. But he had this over my head so I swallowed my anger and thanked him. I signed the slips, I asked him how I'd know my court date. He told me they'd be mailing me something, or I could write to the address he indicated on the slips. I asked why it was in Philadelphia.

He kind of sighed and said, "It's not in Philadelphia." He really thought I was asking why the court house where I'd have to go for my hearing was in Philadelphia. "I said, no, why is this mailing address a Philadelphia address?" And he said, "I don't know...I don't know....it's federal."

Then he said, "Also make sure I don't let you leave without giving your shovel back." Yeah, that definitely would have ruined my day.

So that was basically it, and he was done with me, and he said, I swear to God this really happened, he said, "I wish we could have met under better circumstances."

I said, "Sure."

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Chapter 33: A few steps back

Her we are again. I hope you all enjoy chapter 33.

I wanna thank you all for the feedback here an on Anastasia’s IG profile that I left terribly abandoned but I will retake it! Don’t worry about it!

Meanwhile you can check old posts there:

Anastasia_Truman  ❤️️

Thanks to everyone who reads the fic, much love to you all! ♥

Read chapter 32

Lauren joined the tour until the Jacksonville date; she was taking a mini vacation from her album recording, as Anastasia found out one night in a bar from Carl. She hadn’t spoken to Josh since them, but her message with Silver Springs had been loud and clear.

 While in Orlando they had two days off, so everyone agreed on going to Universal Studios and have a different day with all the tour crew, which was an amazing group of people. Anastasia had so much fun visiting the The Wizarding World of Harry Potter that for an afternoon, she forgot about the whole Josh issue; she focused on enjoying the Harry Potter ride since she was such a Potterhead.

 But Anastasia still hadn’t spoken to Josh. Anxiety took over her mind and Xanax started to be a regular thing, she knew it was wrong but it made her feel so good, forgetting everything around her. She woke up the second morning in Orlando and popped two Xanax like it was routine, Mandy wasn’t in the room at that moment which made it easier for An to do so. She went back to bed and her phone started ringing, she looked at the screen and saw three letters she didn’t want to see: JAK, but without thinking about it she picked up.

 -          Did I wake you? – Josh asked before An could say anything.

-          No – Anastasia answered while the pills kicked in.

-          Can you meet me so we can talk? – He asked softly.

-          Josh…

-          An, please! – He begged.

-          Ok.

-          I’ll see you at the lobby in ten – She hang up.

 That was hell, she was high with the pills and now Josh wanted to talk, she was going to act stupid. “Why did I agree?” she though, “I’m so fucking weak for this asshole”, her mind was having a conversation of her own. She got up while the effect of the Xanax was still mild, and got dressed with a simple t-shirt, a pair of jeans and Vans – It was starting to get hot outside - and walked out and to the lobby.

 -          So, listen… – Josh started to talk while they were walking near the hotel but Anastasia interrupted him.

-          I know what you are going to say, Josh, and you don’t need to lie to me about Lauren. It’s obvious you two have a relationship, I know you were with her on New Year’s Eve while I was with your friends, you don’t need to keep lying to me. More than lovers we have always been friends and we can’t have any kind of relationship if you aren’t honest – Josh opened his eyes wide.

-          I can’t say sorry enough…

-          You don’t need to say sorry.

-          I’m just confused because… You are amazing and you have your life all figured out, and I’m here dealing with insecurities that I have been working on for so long, but then you came to my life and give me a chance to be with you… but I realized that it made my insecurities even worst.

-          I’m so sorry to hear that…

-          I’m not in love with Lauren but she makes me feel good.

-          I thought I did my best to make you feel good.

-          You did but this is not your fault, it’s me. It’s me and my fucked up brain.

-          We all have a fucked up brain, you say I have my life all figured out when you know my life is a mess too. I have a mother who hates me, I always been drowning in work, focusing on keeping myself busy and leaving my personal life to a side, and now I’m almost 30, I’m alone and I probably won’t have a family because my life moves around my job and… there are more stuff – Anastasia was thinking if it was a good moment to tell him that she was unable to get pregnant, but he talked first.

-          I’m almost 40 and dating a girl that I definitely don’t want a family with. I love you – He said stopping walking and holding her by her shoulders forcing her to look at him – I really do, but it’s hard for me to be with somebody like you because I’m not mentally prepared for that. I know it’s stupid but I’m immature in so many aspects.

-          I love you too – She said – But all this made me feel so bad and it just made me realize how alone I am, and in a certain way it made me hate myself because I’m to blame in some level. I just can’t keep anybody next to me. You just changed me for another girl and that destroyed me.

-          I’m an idiot and you can hate me. I deserve it.

-          I don’t hate you, that’s the thing. I can’t hate you. You are my friend after all and we are working together now, I have to deal with you – She was calm because of the pill, but inside she wanted to stab him with the first thing she could find.

 They walked some more and stopped in front of a mural that represented people working on fields but their faces were badly done, and by that moment the Xanax was on full effect on Anastasia.

 -          That’s one fucking ugly mural – Anastasia said smiling in a silly way.

-          Yeah – Josh laughed noticing something wrong with her.

-          What? – The Xanax was at its full effect by then – Oh my God! – Anastasia couldn’t see clear.

-          Did you take something by any chance? – Josh said smiling; the situation was fun for him – Something like drugs?

-          Yeah! – Anastasia started crying – I took two fucking Xanax this morning because I’m tired of feeling, Josh! – She screamed - I’m so tired of everything! I haven’t done this since high school and that’s one fucking ugly mural – She was crying even more and Josh hugged her smiling – It’s so ugly.

-          Yes, it’s an ugly mural – Josh ram his hand through her hair – You need food, let’s go get a burger.

-          This is your fault – Anastasia said cleaning the tears from her face – It’s your fucking fault – She was acting tipsy and threw her arms to Josh neck while resting her head on his chest and closing her eyes.

-          How I wish it weren’t – Josh said kissing her hair.

-          I want that burger – Anastasia pulled away from Josh and tried to stand in front of him, she couldn’t without his help. He smiled again and took her by the waist – But wait! – She stopped – People are gonna know that I’m high.

-          Well, we’ll have to act – Josh said laughing.

-          But I can’t act!

-          You can, I’ve seen your music videos – Anastasia had a shocked expression on her face.

-          You did? Aw! – She was going through a lot of moods in that moment.

-          Come on – Josh took her by the waist again and started to walk.

 Josh took her to eat a burger in the first place they found on the way, he ordered two avocado bacon burgers, because it was Anastasia’s favorite.

 -          Boy, I starved myself for so many years that once I found love for food I want to eat it all – She said and he laughed.

 The burger was surprisingly good and after that they went back to the hotel, where Josh took Anastasia to his room and let her sleep. She slept for two hours and woke up more grounded, the Xanax started to wear off, so Josh thought it was a good idea for her to take a bath and he ran it.

 -          Do you know what’s good after a drug train wreck? – Josh asked.

-          A beer? – Anastasia asked back with a smile.

-          A bath, come on! – Josh carried her since still was hard for Anastasia to stand still.

 He sat on the border of the bath tub and started to undress her, first her t-shirt, then the jeans, he stopped for a second and looked at her eyes, she had a silly smile on her face and then he proceeded to take her underwear off.

 -          It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before – Anastasia said getting inside the bathtub – Did you put essences on this bath? I smell coconut.

-          Yeah, I know how much you like it. I called the lobby and they sent me some – Josh said still in the border of the bathtub.

-          Wow! What a diligent little guy you are – Anastasia took seat and hugged Josh forcing him to fall on the bathtub getting all wet while wearing his clothes. The pills had lost the effect, Anastasia realized what she had done and felt instantly bad and ashamed – Oh my God, Josh! I’m so sorry. Oh God! – To her surprise, Josh was laughing.

-          It’s ok. Don’t worry – He got up inside the bathtub and started to take his clothes off.

-          What are you doing? – Anastasia asked confused.

-          I need a bath too – He said smiling and getting back into the bathtub this time completely naked, he noticed Anastasia’s confused look – It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before – She smiled.

 Anastasia got nervous for a moment, but they just stayed there in the bathtub in front of each other looking into their eyes and smiling. There wasn’t a need for sex in that bathroom, neither one of them tried to make a move. They just laid there enjoying each other’s company, looking at each other and smiling. For that moment, Anastasia finally felt peace after all those stormy months. For those minutes she even forgot that she was angry at Josh for cheating on her. Josh grabbed her right foot and started to rub it.

 -          Oh yeah! That feels good – Anastasia said almost moaning with her eyes close and a smile on her face – Listen – Josh locked looks with her – I’m sorry for being so stupid with the Xanax.

-          Don’t worry about it. I’ve been laughing the whole fucking day.

-          I’m glad for being your source for joy.

-          You’ve always been – He said smiling – But for real, promise me you won’t do it again, you don’t need that, An, look at all the amazing things you have in life.

-          I’m looking at one right now – She said looking at him straight.

 Suddenly she felt the urge to kiss him but maybe that would ruin the moment. But Josh didn’t think the same, he took her wrists and pulled her towards him and kissed her so tenderly and so lovingly, sliding his hands into her wet hair slowly. He cupped her face after the kiss and stared at her for a few seconds.

 -          I’m always gonna be here for you – He said and put Anastasia’s arms around him forcing her to hug him.

 They just stayed there, in that position for about an hour. It was one of those incredible moments of intimacy without sexual touch that you only see in movies.

 Now she was lying next to Josh on his hotel bed. He was looking at something on his Notebook and she was staring at the ceiling, thinking about what just happened. At that moment all of her problems seemed so small, she had this man that cared about her but who was confused, so she decided she wasn’t going to force him, she wasn’t going to force any kind of situation. Josh needed to find his path on his own. She wanted him, she couldn’t lie about that and she knew he wanted her too, so Anastasia preferred to let everything flow. Josh was amazing as a lover and as a friend and she didn’t want to lose that, after all they were both adults and having this kind of friends-with-benefits thing was what adults did, she thought.

 The Miami schedule was perfect, they had another two days off before the show and everyone tried to get the most out of them. On Tuesday the sun was shining bright so Chad thought it was a great idea to rent a yacht and both bands, managers and some friends had a day at the ocean. Anastasia was happy for the swimsuit weather and she wore the hottest one piece swimsuit of all, it was red, laced up on the sides and with a deep neck line. She felt Josh’s eyes over her the whole time but tried to not give it much attention to that. She loved the beach, she loved the ocean and the summer breeze and it was extremely pleasant to finally enjoy it, even more after a winter in Europe where fake fur coats and snow were the norm.

 An and Mandy enjoyed sunbathing in a pool float with the shape of a cloud and a rainbow, while Eric, Josh and Nick decided go for a jet ski race that Nick won. Then it was time for the girls, Flea joined them to win over the girls. Mandy brought a white Captain hat that everybody wore at some point, especially for pictures.

 -          Captain hats were so in at parties when we were 16 – Anastasia said to Josh, Nick, Eric and Mandy.

-          Typical California girl behavior – Josh said laughing while Anastasia was trying the hat and winking at him.

-          Well… that’s what we are – Mandy answered.

-          She’s not – Josh said laughing still. Now Anastasia was taking a selfie.

-          My birth certificate says London but my heart says California – Anastasia said taking off the hat and everyone laughed.

-          I think I want to go for another jet ski round – Mandy said.

-          I’m tired! – Anastasia excused herself.

-          I’m in! – Nick said with a smile.

-          I’ll join you – Eric said with enthusiast too and the three left Josh and Anastasia behind.

 Suddenly they were alone again in the backside of the yacht, while the rest were on the front and upstairs.

 -          Put that hat on again I want to take a picture – Josh said smiling.

-          You are on with the picture game lately.

 He didn’t answer and she did as he told her while Josh took his phone. First he took one of her alone and she felt a bit awkward don’t knowing how to pose but then he got close to her and took a selfie of both.

 -          You are going to fill your phone with my pictures – Anastasia said taking the hat off again.

-          I wouldn’t be mad about that – He smiled and was still so close to her that he couldn’t resist to kiss her lips, it was a short kiss but meaningful.

-          We need to be careful – She looked to the sides.

-          About what? – Josh asked with a confused look on his eyes.

-          About whatever the hell this is, Josh – She had to say it. It still was strange for her to kiss him knowing that he had a relationship with someone else.

-          First, it isn’t anybody’s problem if we kiss or not. Second, I’m sure nobody really cares and third, we are both adults, we don’t need to hide. Yes, I know it’s a strange thing we have but I can help it, especially when you look so sexy like today – Josh said grabbing her by the waist.

 He kissed her again but Anastasia had to stop him because she was sure things were going to get intense and that wasn’t the moment or the place to happen. He didn’t get mad, actually he felt a little bit ashamed but she let him know it was ok.

 It was so special to watch the sunset, out in the ocean, with all the people she loved, even Josh who hugged her the whole ride back to the shore.

 The weather was great in Miami, it wasn’t too dry and it was kind of windy at night. Mandy wanted to go out, Anastasia, Nick, Eric, Chad and Josh followed her as they ended up on a Mexican food restaurant which had the most perfect and delicious margaritas Anastasia had ever had (Mandy agreed). They ate an absurd amount of food and then drank some more. Josh didn’t stop smiling at Anastasia and she returned the glances like an idiot.

 -          Look who’s here! – Chad said pointing to a table next to them – Doctor Ramos Jr.

 Anastasia turned her head and there he was, Alejandro and two other friends.

 -          Hey, boss! – Alex answered with that smile that melted Anastasia’s soul.

-          I love when you call me boss with that accent. It’s so sexy – Chad mocked and they laughed.

-          Hey, An! – Alex greeted her.

-          Hi, Alex, haven’t seen you in days – She said politely.

-          You got your voice back, you don’t need me anymore – he answered still smiling.

-          Aw, don’t say that! – Chad said – I got to tell you – Chad said to the other two guys that were on Alejandro’s table – No one treasts my sore wrists like this dude! – They laughed – Why don’t you guys join us!

 And so they did, they joined tables and now the group was larger. Anastasia could feel how Alejandro kept looking at her and also she saw how Josh face went to total angry mode and kept looking at her and him. The air was tense. After an hour, Chad wanted to leave. Eric, Nick and Josh decided to join him. Alejandro had some other plans and the girls chose to go with him to explore the Miami nightlife.

 It was fun and different, Alejandro (staying true to his Latin roots) took the girls to a salsa club where An and Mandy made total fools of themselves trying to dance.

 -          We are too white for this shit – Mandy said at some point on the dance floor.

-          And I’m British. That adds a whole new level of complex – Anastasia answered laughing.

 Alejandro helped An a little and by the end of the night she got a lot better. She was enjoining his company, he was fun and easy going and the way he held her waist while dancing woke things in her that she thought were asleep. It was a whole new phase of sensuality. Mandy had fun too but around two of the morning the girls decided to go back to the hotel. Alejandro made sure they arrived safe and sound; Mandy went straight to their room while Anastasia remained at the lobby talking with Alex some more. After some more flirty smiles, he said goodbye with a sweet kiss on Anastasia’s cheek.

 An was smiling in that elevator like a teenager in love. Then, she walked to her room but a voice stopped her.

 -          Did you have fun? – Josh asked as she looked at him. Their rooms where on the same floor, his a couple of doors away from hers.

-          Now you stalk me on hotel hallways? – She asked him.

-          I was worried about you – He said.

-          Worried about what? – She wasn’t drunk but alcohol definitely ran in her system.

-          Come here – He commanded and she obeyed, like it was some kind of spell – I just don’t like that guy – He said tucking her hair behind her right ear.

-          What do you know? – Josh was coming closer.

-          He’s not your kind – Josh started to kiss her, there, in that lonely hallway and she couldn’t control it.

 He grabbed her waist with despair and carried her inside his room. She couldn’t stop him, she didn’t want to stop him; the more passion Josh gave her the more she wanted to take. She threw her legs around his waist as Josh sat her on his bed without stopping the kisses. She took his t-shirt off (he was wearing his bed time outfit) while he kissed her neck, she bit his earlobe and that created a fierce reaction from Josh who pushed her on the bed and undressed her with rage. He threw her shoes away and took off her short dress with such violence that An was sure he ripped it off. Now they were naked on the bed and when An tried to jump on top of him he grabbed her wrist and pushed her again against the bed. He was going to be on top, he was going to be in charge, and he did. She saw an animal spark in his eyes.

 Josh was full of rage at that moment as she could see but it didn’t scare her, it excited her, it was a side of Josh she hadn’t seen in bed yet. She had the best angry sex of her life that night.

  -          Last night was fun – Mandy said while she and Anastasia were having breakfast in their room next morning.

-          I know.

-          You disappeared with Alex – Mandy made an exaggerated smile on her face.

-          Hmm – Anastasia was trying to find the right words to break it to Mandy – I actually disappeared with Josh.

-          For the love of the Lord, Anastasia Truman! – Mandy screamed – Did you have sex with Josh again? – Anastasia shrunk – Can’t believe this.

-          It was the best dick I ever had in my life – Anastasia said smiling – He was angry.

-          Glad that all the suffering that you went through was worth it – Mandy said – Wait, did you say he was angry?

-          Yeah. He took control and he was kind of punishing me. It was so hot.

-          He was jealous – Mandy said.

-          Jealous? – Anastasia looked at her friend – Of Alex?

-          Of course! I saw him looking at you and him and the restaurant last night and then you went to him like a fucking prize. It’s ego stuff. Like saying to Alex: “Yes you can flirt but I’m the one who is fucking her”.

-          Well, I hope he goes on being jealous like that if sex is gonna be that amazing.

-          You have no repair, lady – Mandy said laughing – But what about the whole situation?

-          Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna let it flow and have fun in the meantime. I won’t worry about the future.

-          You know I’ll be here for you to kick Josh’s ass anytime he deserves it.

 Josh wasn’t so angry the rest of the Miami trip, Alex didn’t appear near them again and he performed the happiest show ever, he was all smiles playing the songs and jumping around and joking with Chad, while Anastasia stood next to the stage also smiling, because she knew she was the reason for his happiness.

Read chapter 34

[moved92]

Recap: SHC3.

Super delayed recap of Superheroes Con III.

Imagine the worst possible start to an international vacation. I botched the date/time for our flight to New York, so we missed it. I then booked a flight for the wrong day and paid extra to change it, then we paid again for seats on an earlier flight to worry less about catching our connection to Dublin. Refunds pending. I had no panic medication, no sleep, and no confidence that we’d actually go, but we arrived to France on schedule (thankfully). Our motto: “Make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails… throw away the plan” (Captain Cold). The slightest buzz of everything that can go wrong, will go wrong lingered throughout the convention. Nothing did. I digress.

CONVENTION DAY!

Panels: Wentworth and Dominic’s panel was one of the most uncomfortable experiences ever. I’m not much a fan of free-for-all Q&A’s, especially when a certain level of discomfort can be inferred from the participants. Thankfully, no one asked anything super embarrassing or inappropriate. Click here for a full transcript. Our photo op with Wentworth directly followed the Q&A (yay). I just remember being super out of it the whole time. Thanks, panic disorder. I don’t know how I managed to ask Wentworth if it was okay to hug him, but I did, and thanked him. It was a whirlwind two seconds. (Fun fact: I saved my last Xanax for convention day and left it at our rented apartment. It took some serious self-love not to have a complete meltdown when I realised that, and I’m incredibly proud that I got through the day without any major incidents of panic. There’s a life lesson there somewhere.)

We only went to one other panel: David and Michael’s. They’re hilarious, and I enjoyed that their panel lacked that air of tension that Wentworth and Dom’s had. It was a nice way to waste time.

Private session: The private session was an intimate gathering of fans (about 20) and all the guests, at the additional cost of selling your soul. I, anxious as I was, sort of clung to Brian’s side while he talked to David and Michael about Deadshot, despite wanting to talk with Wentworth. I somehow found the courage to peel myself from Brian’s side and approached him (I’d approach him three times total, just because I couldn’t handle that much continuous interaction, and because I didn’t want to bother him).

I said ‘hi’ and held my arm out, told him, ‘I just wanted to show you-’ Let me tell you: everything he does is thoughtful and gentle. He cupped the underside of my tattooed arm and said, “Oh, wow. That’s gorgeous.” His ‘fuss’ caught Dom’s attention, who paused the conversation he was having to look at what I was showing Went. I don’t remember if he said anything. I don’t have a decent photo of my tattoo handy, but it’s a dandelion and some dandelion-related foliage, and the quote ‘Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.’ It spans half my lower, left arm. I told Wentworth my grandma bought it for me and that she’d recently passed, so it has a double meaning. He put his hand over his heart and said he was deeply sorry for my loss, that she “sounded like a cool lady.” Then, stupidly or just humanly, I asked him how he was. He said he was doing okay, but that he’d be flying home the next day and wouldn’t get to enjoy France. Do you know what I did? I pouted at him, y’all. Like, genuinely. I told him we were really glad he chose to do this convention, because we’d bought tickets to the other. He was just so genuinely apologetic. I also told him about the gift we got him, which I don’t think he fully understood or appreciated until we gave it to him. I had a replica made of his quesadilla tray, from that photo he posted last summer, because I wanted him to always have his quesadilla.

Brian was with me the second time I approached him. I’m a little fuzzy on the sequence of events. I know Brian also, not knowing I’d already mentioned it, thanked him for coming. Wentworth said he was glad we could make it, that it was very meaningful for us to be there. I told him we’d have come even if we couldn’t come, and that we only came to see him (not that we hated everyone else), which he was super bashful and laughed about. I then summoned all the courage I probably had left (just kidding, that’s coming up) to ask if he’d be so kind as to film a birthday video for Amy. My exact words were something like, ‘I have a request of you,’ and he was thankfully so gracious about it.

The third and final time I approached him, I think I said, ‘I’m buzzing around like a nervous bee,’ to which he replied with something along the lines of aww. I went right into talking about how important his writing is, obviously, considering my tattoo. I told him how hard the past year has been and that, when I’m suicidal, I think about his writing. I told him he’s taught me to be a lot kinder to myself. I told him I’m glad he’s still here (and I meant here, alive) and so open. I thanked him. He thanked me for sharing my story. I honestly don’t remember there being anyone else in the room while we talked; if anyone else wanted his attention, I didn’t notice. I had it. Genuinely. Compassionately. He touched my elbow the way someone else might give a hug and said, “Be gentle with yourself.” I don’t even know what happened after that.

We also talked to Dom, who’s one of the funniest, kindest men. We laughed about how god-awful Vikingdom is (if you haven’t watched it, please do). Brian asked about his hair in that movie; apparently, Dom grew his hair chin-length and then they supplied extensions. I asked if he lived in Australia. He said he pretty much called the United States home, and that he spent a lot of time on the California beach. I said I know, joking that he probably had a little cave there. Dom said he’d be content with that. When I took our photo with him, he made sure we were facing the best lighting and told me to check my photo after, to make sure I liked it (I don’t but didn’t say that). He then took my phone and zoomed in on his face, I guess to make sure he liked the photo. I don’t remember him doing this with anyone else, so it was hilarious.

David complimented my hair. I’m also almost certain Brian became best friends with Michael and Manu. He spent almost the whole time comfortably talking to them, as I buzzed around in my nervousness.

Autographs: In hindsight, I should have bought autographs with Dom but didn’t.

THIS HAPPENED RIGHT AFTER THE PRIVATE SESSION (I don’t know why I’m shouting. Dear Lord), so I was understandably nervous about shoving myself in Wentworth’s face again. He’s so sweet, guys. He’s such a genuinely compassionate, sweet man. I don’t really remember if he said anything to me beyond, “It was nice talking to you.” I’m a firm believer that a man like him does not say things he doesn’t mean, so it was a compliment, to me, to be told he enjoyed talking to me. Brian thanked him again for coming. We gave him his gift and, to his assistant-person, he said the quesadilla magnet was great.

And voila!

[xumxnghao]

all pf them

under a read more it goes

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

spiderman! walking on walls seems cool

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

“yeah this is how it’s meant to be” (do I 100% expect to be famous in the future? yes)

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be?

throwback to middle school when my best friend confessed to me and I told her I’d date her if i were a boy

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

i don’t really have any big pet peeves but I hate the sound of nails draggin on the weird ceiling material in cars

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

avoid them like the plague bc i have Anxiety

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

possibly have a panic attack but like money

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

green tea frappe with a shot of espresso bc i’m living that college student life of no sleep and only caffeine

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

i’d WANT to be dancer, but realistically id probably be a singer

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

uh i remember i listened to fire a while ago and it wasn’t exactly my style and i thought bts was kind of overhyped so i didn’t really listen to them much until like a month are blood sweat and tears came out and i finally decided to watch and mv bank with them and i thought they were funny and it was really just a downward spiral from there

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

home has no meaning to me bc it’s always been riddled with fear

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

i mean i flirt more but that’s just cause im a libra :/

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

i think i’d want time alone

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

finish learning korean

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

there’s nothing to appreciate about me lol

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

i love stationary

jump: favorite childhood memory?

once in kindergarten we were painting pots for mother’s day. I was the kind of kid that liked to work ahead so i just started painting, but the pot was upside down so when i turned it over it just said “wow” instead of “mom”

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

kim taehyung, park jimin, or xu minghao

i like it pt. 2: dream date?

I love amusement park dates

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

i nearly died of alcohol poisoning once. that’s a story.

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

when i was like in 8th grade i thought weed and pot were two different things and I’ve never lived that down

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

Should i just do BTS songs?

Move, Love is Not Over, Hold Me Tight

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

i like to think i am

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

i took a day trip to Houston without telling my dad while my mom was in China

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

i got a new Fila hoodie in japan that’s bomb af and i look great in it plus my white hat with the long tail and my adidas samoas

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)?

idk how long i spent in bed but once i had a depressive episode so bad that my phone only marked 19 steps on that day

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

SEVENTEEN CONCERT AND MEETING SEVENTEEN

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

I can hum and beatbox at the same time

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

I finished 12 years of music theory, got put in the TMEA pamphlet and got some money from it too

i need u: are you in love?

i need u girl

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

:)

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

very

move: last time you cried?

I nearly cried at the airport leaving Japan because my best friend is staying there for college and I won’t be able to drive a street down to see her anymore, but I don’t cry much so I didn’t actually shed a tear.

I did however shed a single tear because of some gifs of jimin this morning

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

answered

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i love travelling and i actually just experienced my dream vacation in japan. I guess my next one would be korea

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

seoul. I want to be an MV producer for idols

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

not especially, but I should bc i used to be a journalist

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a vet and now i’m going into film so there’s a pretty big gap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

I’m an istp so yes

save me: your favorite place on earth?

im bad at choosing favorites, i’d like to think that i’m not tied down

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

mulan

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

sam, sarah, sara, kim taehyung, park jimin, xu minghao, and mark tuan

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

jesus wait lemme count

at least 14

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

once after a 4th of july fireworks show my friend and i stopped at a gas station for drinks and this very obviously high dude in the car next to me said to me from his seat “yo dude u okay? u like… saw the paranoia i felt” and i had to reassure him that i was fine and i was going home soon

and i don’t like to think about my dreams bc theyre usually nightmares

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

like 2 years ago when i took the best selfies of my life

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

i mean ive smoked weed

i snorted xanax once but after that night i decided to never do that again

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

i…. am not sure yall are ready for this information

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

i dont think i have an answer for this

lie: biggest fear?

abandonment. which lead to my fear of commitment and attachment

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

cause

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

i’d like to

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

don’t go to the counselor

mama: are you good at giving advice?

not even a little bit

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

i’m not sure which I’d actually be but i love peonies

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

i’m pretty god with directions. I don’t usually get lost

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

i clean the shit out of my face

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

damn well i wish i just lost all my memories

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

how fucking weird and unapologetic they are

spring day: who do you miss right now?

my bed

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

i need to pay rent and my class fees but i’m not

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

i like aisle seats for long flights and window seats for short flights

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

maybe 2 ?

[divine-energyy]

you talked briefly about your drug habits on your Twitter and I was curious if you would be willing to share more? I'm sure it's rather personal but I'm going through treatment for an addiction to Xanax right now and you're a huge inspiration to me in all aspects of life, so I saw it fit to at least reach out for some advice. You're incredibly strong to put up with all the shit you get online but I'm glad to see your beautiful face staying strong. Would love to meet you at a festival one day :)

wow. first of all, thank you. so so so much ♡ this means a lot to me. more than u know. love u. second of all, yeah. i wouldn’t necessarily say i struggled with “addiction” but there was a point last year where i was doing blow 4-5 days a week if not more. i couldn’t say no to it, i was partying literally every single night for months straight, & i hung out w really shitty people who influenced me to do bad things (not their fault of course, that’s just what they were into so i kinda pressured myself into doing it too plus it was fun & easily accessible bc of everything lol) but i started getting severely depressed & began going thru legitimate withdrawals whenever i’d go more than a few days w/o it. i was at the lowest point in my life & felt hopeless n numb. ended up dropping 90% of my friends, taking a semester off of college, & moving here to LA (i know, ironic) & i’ve been unbelievably happy w that decision ever since. no regrets. drugs have so much power over you but you are so much stronger than any chemical reaction.. i promise u that. it’s not easy to kick habits, esp drug related ones, but i believe in you, even tho i don’t know you. you can do this. do it for you. you deserve it. don’t sacrifice ur health & longterm happiness for a temporary high. it’s not worth it at all, take it from me. i started rapidly losing muscle & weight bc of em & i became a person i didn’t recognize anymore. i looked & felt sick. i didn’t know how to be genuinely happy without it. just make sure u take some time to work on yourself. that’s not selfish. if ppl don’t understand that, fuck em. they aren’t worth ur time/energy anyways. keep at it w the treatment, it might take weeks or months or even years to overcome, but it’s 200% possible. i’m living proof of that. take ur life back. good luck angel. here if u need me. xo