#wycl's midnight brain on cold medicine

[will-you-come-along]

Misery under cut

I had like, a four month break from this overwhelming depression. And here we are again.

The yearning is back. I'm so sad. Like I'm grieving. Just sad all the time. I'm trying to accept that I have no control over the future. That I have survived 30+ years alone, and I can do it again. Though it's only been the last seven years, moreso the last two, that I've actually wanted someone in my life.

And my friends are in new or established relationships, or getting engaged or married or having babies. Many are in wonderful places in their lives, it's lovely to see as they've struggled and deserve so much happiness. I can't talk to them about this, and I don't want damn pity.

I'm trying to understand that I'll never have those things. I'll never have romantic love. I'll never feel precious or considered to someone. No one will ever hold my had when I'm sad or afraid. No one will hold me close at night or call me soft, sweet petnames. No one will dance with me in the living room just because, or think of my comfort above their own.

And nor will I have the opportunity to offer those things to someone I love. I am so full of love to give, and have no one to give it to.

And all of this is so sad.

I know it's unrealistic. I'm sub-clin autistic, I just miss things in people, I don't know when men are flirting with me, I don't notice when they're looking. I'm tired and overstimulated and engage in largely solitary hobbies. And yes, I have dated, and speed-dated, and app-dated, and blind-dated, and I haven't enjoyed any of those experiences. Some were awful, some were fine. When my friends describe their first dates with their partners, they talk about butterflies and banter and excitement. I've never had that. I want it. It sucks being ace/demi. I want to have a romantic relationship, but I could be depriving another person of something they need, and in the early days, they bolt.

That's why I have to learn to accept it. It's not going to happen.

[will-you-come-along]

BUT HOW DOES THE JEDI ORDER FINANCE ITSELF?????

[will-you-come-along]

AAAAARGH

UNFULFILLED UNFULFILLED UNFULFILLED

i have no idea what i neeeed

i've plateaued so badly in life - work, hobbies, friends, personally, everything, i don't know how to get out of it, i don't know what to doooooooo

[will-you-come-along]

WYCL is sad post

I have a lot of love to give and it has nowhere to go. I'm very sad sometimes and lonely, and have difficulty articulating it.

I guess, like a lot of people, I'm looking for the right fit person. There's a lot of nice people out there, I've been on dates with nice guys, lovely (and some assholes, but that's okay too), but none of them have been right.

And just dates, because I wouldn't say I've dated anyone. Just one or two and chatting in between. I know a lot of people would say "you're not giving them enough of a chance", but fuck those people. I am incredibly intuitive, that's what makes me so good at my job. They're nice, but they're not right.

What am I looking for? Kindness and compassion and patience. Calm and centred and mature. But I live in a country with a culture synonymous with seeming "laid back", but what that looks like is "laissez fairre" and apathetic. A lot of the men in my age group (early/mid thirties) are childish in many ways. And I don't want to be someone's parent. I don't want to laugh with my friends about how immature my partner is, there is nothing I want less.

I have an idea in my head of what I want this relationship to look like, and I know that's not necessarily healthy because I risk being disappointed in everything, but it's passionate without being lustful, and sensual without being sexual, and deeply deeply loving without being cringy. It's open and communicative and patient and kind. It's someone who wants to know how I think.

I have a lot of love to give, and I desperately want to receive. I want someone to bother to learn my love language and make the effort for me. And yes, I have some wonderful friends, who make time when I ask them to. I know they love me. And my family. But I want someone to cuddle up with, and watch the sunset with, and sit and read with, and travel with, and go to the symphony with.

My psychologist has recommended radical acceptance. That I will enjoy my singlehood unless that person steps onto my path. I try not to look ahead because I'm so afraid that will not happen. So not only am I lonely, but I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a future that I hope will happen, but I have to let go of to move forward on my own.

How do I learn to be happy or content alone. There are days when I have that, that I enjoy my life. But there are days, so many days when I see people looking happy together, and I think, I want that.

Anyway. This is very complex and confusing.

In summary, I am sad and lonely.