#wyaa c2

[tottymatsuno]

Who You Actually Are (Osomatsu-san: Karamatsu x Reader)

Chapter 2:

Dissociation

Author: Roro (halfeviltotty)

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Karamatsu x reader

Category: hurt/comfort, character study, trauma fic

Rating: gen

Summary: A fractured sense of identity watching all at once.

Word count: 1700 or so

Warnings: blood warning, injuries, DID, mental illness, vague mentions of trauma

Commentary: karamatsu is really goin thru it huh EDITS IN FUNNIE KARAMATSU PICTURE BC THATS HOW IM ROLLING FROM NOW ON

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With crystal clear eyes you saw right through Karamatsu with a question instead of introduction. You plucked out a single rose and the red contrast against your skin was breathtaking. "Who are you supposed to be?" You twirled it with such a graceful flair and avoided hurting yourself in its thorns.

It caught Karamatsu off guard, why would you ask that. Your tone was neither cold nor overly warm, not much affection or derision. Just a simple question with your head tilted with those analytical eyes taking in each motion and expression that crosses Karamatsu's face.

Your genuine curiosity frightened him, as if you without a doubt thought he must be acting.

"W-who am I? Heh! Well my beautiful Karamatsu flower, I am your destiny! I am Matsuno Karamatsu, the 2nd brother, handsome, suave, a lone wolf who walks a shadowy path for redemption! Ah, my Karamatsu lover, do not get too close for this wolf will have no choice but to bare his fangs into your slender neck. I've got my eyes on my prey, and darling I won't let you go once you're in my Karamatsu clutch."

Karamatsu posed dramatically with each sentence and you just watched. When he was through speaking you clapped.

"Not bad, not bad at all." Karamatsu blinked at your response, "I can see your passion for this character Karamatsu, and your method acting is pretty good albeit a little rough around the edges. Which troupe are you with? I wouldn't mind work-shopping some dialogue with you. You wanna do a quick improv right now since we're both here?"

"You're pretty handsome so I'm sure you're popular in your troupe, but when we're done improvising let me take a couple head shots of you. I know the director of a local theater who has the perfect role for someone like you if you're not married to the Karamatsu persona. "

You smiled at him and Karamatsu suddenly felt embarrassed, you're so pretty. Beautiful even, to the point where Karamatsu lowered the bouquet of roses with his head cast downwards. He didn't even care that you said he was handsome. It did literally nothing for his ego in that moment, but did prove to him that Karamatsu doesn't know himself. He has never felt handsome once before in his life and had only been called that word by his mother.

It'd been a long week.

"I can't do this right now." Karamatsu said painfully with his voice so dried that it sounded very unlike him, far away and much weaker than Karamatsu could ever utter. How many times is this going to happen to him? Today wasn't the day Karamatsu wanted to confront these emotions especially not in front of a woman but the words overflow without consent as suddenly the world shifts into third person.

"Why doesn't anyone take me seriously? I try so hard to be myself and I get asked 'who are you trying to impress, Karamatsu-niisan?' 'why are you wearing that, Karamatsu-niisan?' 'can you do this for me, and that, I need your help Karamatsu-niisan!' 'it's embarrassing to be seen with you, Karamatsu-niisan!' day in and day out. Now strangers are asking me who I'm supposed to be?"

Karamatsu watched himself shout with such pity, Karamatsu in his old uniform on-looked while shielding the ten year old's eyes. All of himselves surrounded with unblinking stares forward and Karamatsu felt ashamed.

"Why can't I just be who I said I am? Why does everyone have to ask me why? Does it matter?! The answer is even I don't know! Who the hell even is Matsuno Karamatsu if I'm not him?! If I can't be him then who am I!"

Karamatsu felt the thorns from the bouquet pressed tightly against the thin wrapping of the paper. His hands shook violently.

All at once like he had been grounded midair, Karamatsu felt your hands wrap around the bouquet. There was blood dripping from a few puncture wounds. You stared down at him with genuine concern, horrified at the display. But your hands were soft and gentle.

"I think I made a mistake, Karamatsu-san. I'm very sorry for hurting your feelings like this."

The bouquet is slowly pulled out of his injured hands and Karamatsu can't help but to reach out to you. You should shy away, Karamatsu thinks once he has the ability to form his own thoughts.

"It's bleeding, don't let me touch you." His words didn't match his actions, you watched him with those analytical eyes and leaned forward. When Karamatsu's hands cupped your face he saw a bit of blood smeared on your chin.

You were worried for him and not afraid of him even in the slightest.

"It's going to be okay, Karamatsu-san. I'll take care of this." Karamatsu is then led to a store, his hands bandaged by someone who took delicate care not to hurt him. You listened when Karamatsu spoke and you took his words at face value.

Hey...

Stop being so nice. The older child inside of Karamatsu pleads pathetically, I'll get the wrong idea if you're this nice. You haven't wiped your face yet, why not? You're supposed to avoid touching other people's blood, aren't you afraid? Don't you know my blood could make you sick? Your hands are so warm, stop touching mine. I'm scared.

Karamatsu was led to a bench on a busy street by his fingertips, so loud that it was almost impossible to ignore the sounds. A sea of people walk by, why are you holding my hand? Asked the ten year old inside of Karamatsu. You should only hold hands when crossing the street, you should know that by now. Girls like this are stupid for not caring, the ten year old concludes.

You haven't stopped talking, your voice carried on the wind's currents and the overcast late afternoon turned into a dark twilight.

Karamatsu finally listened.

"Karamatsu-san, that isn't a red shirt. It's a brown suit." He looked at you for a second and laughed, "Sorry, I didn't notice." There was someone laughing for him. Someone else was making his throat hum out a chuckle, someone who was pulling his muscles to form a smile, someone who's fingers in his cheeks. There has been someone responding for him, using his voice to carry on the conversation. Karamatsu consciously took the reigns back as subtly as ever, making sure you didn't notice the mask being transferred to another facet of himself.

"You don't have to try so hard, Karamatsu-san. Or at least not with me after this." With those words you stood up, dusted your pants off and grinned at him.

"I'll see you again, right?" Karamatsu just nodded once more in a daze.

And you did, you sought him out with those curious eyes. You taught him some acting methods Karamatsu found out years later were coping skills.

"I always wanted to be an actor, my Karamatsu girl!" Karamatsu told you and then it was.

You took candids of him and introduced him to your theater, with the first greeting out your mouth was, "I'm this guy's biggest Karamatsu fan! Please give a warm welcome to Karamatsu-san!"

At first he thought your kindness was pity, then he thought maybe you simply were just kind. Then Karamatsu noticed something about you too, that faraway stare. A rapidly shifting personality, moments of complete catatonic silence that seemed to strangle you mentally. Like you were watching things in third person too and were fighting to get back in control.

"Who are you?" Karamatsu asked you once while your hair laid across the bathroom floor, he only asked because you couldn't stop muttering "I can't tell if I'm not me."

Twenty minutes later you seemed back to normal, the tears wiped away, the episode quietly ended like it began and you were shocked to see your head. "Who did this?"

Karamatsu witnessed your surprise each time you saw your reflection, like you were meeting an overly familiar stranger each time. The subtle wide eye gasp, if he hadn't studied you so closely Karamatsu wouldn't have ever noticed. When you recognized not yourself or a representation of yourself in the mirror but a friend from long ago you would smile. Like you were smiling at someone you accidentally made eye contact with from across the room instead of your own face.

Karamatsu helped ground you just as much as you did for him. You taught him the skills for himself and when you needed him, Karamatsu would pluck you mid spiral and assist you safely to your senses because you needed it as well.

"I owe you so much, I'm not sure if this is okay to ask from you but will you go to the petting zoo with me. As a date?" Karamatsu extended the tickets out towards you which received him a strange look. You glanced down at his hand, and then to the other and then to your own.

You finished your cotton candy quickly, "Karappii? Why are you confessing?" You lifted your hand held in Karamatsu's own. "Isn't this our three month anniversary?"

"C-can I kiss you then?!" And you kissed him while waiting for your turn on the ferris wheel. Then again on the ferris wheel itself, then on the ride home, and then at home.

You helped him a lot. With every small indicator of something vastly unwell, a detachment from Karamatsu's own feelings you asked him to challenge that notion. His bravado slowly stopped peacocking and became true confidence, Karamatsu found himself understanding his thoughts better.

In return Karamatsu assisted with what he learned was dissociation, it was funny since the symptoms sounded familiar. Karamatsu had to adapt, not adjust. All at once he felt responsible for someone else's well being, roses can't fix things that are broken. Neither within himself or you.

You tried to manage him in his moments of forgetfulness, "Karamatsu isn't it Thursday?" therapy day. Karamatsu did the same for you. Two broken people trying to rearrange their image based off of what the other sees. "Have I always looked this way?" You asked with that clarity gone. "Yes, you've always been this beautiful."

"Is this okay? Am I still Karamatsu if I feel like this?" Karamatsu asked in one of many moments of vulnerability. Kintsugi, Karamatsu feels like kintsugi when handled by you.

"I think I fell for you that day we met, at first I really thought you were acting. But I realized you did exactly what you said you would. Once I was in your clutch, I knew I would never escape." You looked stunning two years later in your white dress.

On his wedding night, Karamatsu never cried so hard before. The ceremony ended and all at once it was just Karamatsu and you in the hotel room.

"You saved me that day, Karappii. I was planning doing something I couldn't come back from and there you were. I love you, my Karamatsu angel."

Four versions of Karamatsu have seemed to melded together at this point after all if he knows one truth about himself it's that Karamatsu is in love with you.