#wrote this up this morning expecting to edit it into something more polished later

[springtrappd]

Thoughts on the popular ‘vanny and ggy are viruses possessing Vanessa and Gregory’ theory?

but for real: it's not something that i necessarily i think won't happen, but one i hope doesn't happen. it perpetuates the exact kind of pop culture bullshit around identity (as a concept) that drives me up the wall & encourages some of the absolute worst, most boring takes on the characters and their situation possible. it has the exact same problem that i have with the vanny virus narrative as a whole, which is that it denies the characters agency & provides an easy fix for conflict. it wasn't them, the virus did it! they aren't complicated people, the virus did it! there's no need to be afraid because the virus did it! there are times when stories are like that are appropriate but this ain't exactly one of them.

(and note that even in the core 6 games, the animatronics -- despite being possessed by children -- are not portrayed as Secretly Good in that if you flip a magic switch they'll be safe to be around; they're children, yeah, but they're not kind children. you get their happy ending by treating them as such, but choosing to do so is a risk... and their happy ending isn't them being 'fixed' -- because what happened to them cannot be undone; rather, it's them having the chance to be happy. what purpose does having the glamrocks be infected with evilitis every time we see them serve, narratively? what would 'curing' them accomplish, if they're still trapped within the same dehumanising system?)

like. which is more abjectly horrifying: an inescapable spectre of the past recreating your childhood trauma by positioning itself as your abuser and manipulating you into committing horrible acts, the kind that leave you questioning who you are and the lengths you are willing to go to survive -- and if your survival is even worth anything at all, if it means inflicting similar suffering on others... or the Evil You being Evil. i know which one i'm interested in!

and like. it's not like the series has never grappled with anything similarly mature in the past; for all i hate tfc, the one thing about it that isn't incoherent is what it has to say about circus baby and charlie. you cannot hide behind "well it's for kids" or "well you can't expect that kind of thing from the series" when the shit explicitly meant for people who can't handle horror games Went There so hard it gave up on having a coherent plot for the sake of it.

really the only way i would accept something like that is if vanny was some kind of traumademon manifesting from, well, the trauma inflicted by the events of that story up until that point. the problem with that is that unless it all resolves with vanessa accepting her/purifying her/etc, externalising her like that just serves as another excuse to toss vanessa's relevancy out the window... and, yknow, the structure they've set up for themselves doesn't really allow for stories like that. you can't exactly do something deeply personal when you're dedicated to making everything as vague as possible -- for fear of ever actually saying something.

and ggy is dumb and stupid and i hate it because all it does is yoink vanessa's entire shtick without the pathos (vanessa is recreating the horrors of her own past by recreating the horrors of fazbears! what is gregory doing? being sad??) for absolutely zero reason. "gregory is possessed by Evil™️" is a lot less fun (and a lot less interesting in terms of his relationship to vanessa) than "gregory is a kid in a bad situation willing to make whatever choices he has to to survive". like. i usually see ggy brought up as a rebuttal to arguments abt him being fucked up for doing All That Shit to the glamrocks, but...... he isn't possessed? in sb?? that is the point??? if it's meant to be someone else why would his behaviour be the exact same???? if the virus is meant to make him act like the opposite of himself why is his opposite of "yes murder!" attempted murder????? what SIGNS even ARE THERE for ANY OF THIS I HATE ALL OF YOUUUUUUU

[alexawynters]

Scarlet Whispers pt. 7

Gif not mine

A/N: A first date. Ish. Also, I do not understand fashion, can't put together an outfit irl to save my life. I had to do much googling and running the descriptions by several people before I deemed it "acceptable". Again, edited while stoned. Lissen. Lissen. It helps with my seizures more than any medications ever have and now that I'm allowed to smoke again, I will be. I wrote this while in the hospital if I recall so hopefully the time I was able to dedicate to it shines through?? Eh.

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Female!Reader

Trigger warnings (let me know if I forgot to tag anything): Mentions of past child abuse, stalking, horror, dubcon, kidnapping, stockholm syndrome, gaslighting, angst, smut. There will be bits of fluff tho.

Rating: M. Minors DNI

Masterlist with parts 1-6 here

When Wanda told you that morning she had a surprise planned, you weren't quite sure what to expect. As a woman with the ability to bend reality, the possibilities were endless. You inquired about the dress code, hoping for some insight into where she might be taking you. However, she left you puzzled when she said you could wear whatever you were comfortable in. When you sought clarification, expressing concerns about being under or overdressed, she delighted in flustering you. “Detka, you could wear a paper bag, and you would still be the most beautiful person in the room.”

You resisted the urge to flee the room when you saw the hungry look she gave you. Stumbling over your words, unsure of what you had said, you simply nodded and went back to your room to get ready. Soft chuckles echoed down the hall as you left, and you were thankful she couldn't see the pink dusting your cheeks. It was clear that she knew the effect she had on you, and her laughter confirmed it. It seemed like flustering you was her favorite pastime, and she had stopped pretending otherwise. Unsure of what to do with this information, you searched your closets for something suitable for the day.

Uncertain about the plan, but wanting to strike a balance between casual and dressed up, you decided to wear a dove grey short-sleeved button-up shirt. This choice exuded a casual yet polished vibe. The short sleeves provided a relaxed and laid-back appearance, while the button-up style added a touch of sophistication. Rolling up the sleeves suggested a practical and comfortable approach, perfect for a less formal setting. If Wanda were to take you somewhere slightly fancier, you could always unroll the sleeves.

For the pants, you decided to go with black slim-fit chinos. They offer adaptability, comfort, and the ability to seamlessly transition between different dress codes and occasions. You paired them with a simple black leather belt with silver accents. As for the shoes, you selected black and white Bruno Marc Rivera Oxfords. These shoes strike a balance between the formality of dress shoes and the relaxed comfort fit of sneakers.

Once you had picked out your outfit, you headed to the bathroom to get ready. Unlike witchy, you didn't have magic to speed up the process. Wanda hadn't given you a specific time limit, but it was probably better to get ready sooner rather than later. After a quick shower, you applied a simple layer of tinted moisturizer to your face. Feeling more prepared, you got dressed and made your way to the main hall to meet Wanda.

You were wholly unprepared for the sight that greeted you.

Before you stood Wanda, dressed in a red and black half turtleneck striped knitted peek-a-boo sweatshirt. The collar doesn't reach Wanda's chin, giving a tantalizing view of her neck, and the shoulder cutouts accentuate her defined muscles. She has paired the sweatshirt with faux leather dress leggings and black high-heeled booties. Her fingers are adorned with several silver rings, and you try not to imagine how they would feel if she were to touch you. As you take in her entire appearance, you gulp. Finally, your eyes meet, and Wanda grins knowingly, making you blush bright pink, and you know she has likely heard your thoughts.

“You look great, Wands.” you complimented, shyly.

The witch preens at your praise and returns it in kind. “You look pretty handsome yourself, detka. Are you ready to go?”

“Well since you won’t tell me where we’re going, I suppose so.” you tease, hoping she will relent and tell you the surprise.

Wanda simply smirks at your attempt and opens a portal behind her. Gesturing "after you," she invites you to confidently step through ahead of her. There was a time when you would have been terrified to go through any magical portal without Wanda physically by your side. However, you had seen enough of her skill to know that nothing bad would happen to you. As soon as you step through the portal, you find yourself facing a fish tank that spans an entire wall. Your heart soars with joy as you realize that Wanda has brought you to an aquarium, one of your favorite animal exhibits.

A soft hand slipped into yours and you heard the warm timbre of Wanda’s voice next to your ear. You could tell she was smiling. "Surprise."

You turned to look at the witch, your gaze filled with awe and gratitude. The only time you had ever been to the aquarium was during a school field trip, which you had managed to afford with some money you had scrounged up over the course of a few weeks. No one had ever taken the initiative to treat you to the aquarium before.

Wanda smiled warmly at you. "I know you feel anxious in large groups of people, so I rented the place just for us. You can take your time exploring any of the displays without worrying about anyone getting in your way. We have the entire day, dorogoya, and I have another surprise planned for dinner." She gently squeezed your hand and gave you a quick wink.

A gentle warmth fluttered in your chest, as if a burden had been lifted. No one had ever shown such thoughtfulness and kindness towards you. The fact that Wanda had listened attentively when you shared your fondest childhood memory of visiting the aquarium, and went out of her way to recreate that experience for you just to see you happy, made your heart feel alive like never before.

Overflowing with appreciation and joy, you couldn't help but throw yourself into the witch's arms. With her reflexes honed during her time with the Avengers, she caught you in a gentle embrace. As she felt her sweatshirt becoming damp with your tears, Wanda was about to ask what was wrong, but before she could utter a word, you whispered a quivering "thank you" while holding onto her tightly.

For Wanda, this didn't feel like the anticipated victory. Instead, her focus was solely on how perfect it felt to have you in her arms, as if that was how it should always be. She had missed you so much. While being the big spoon every night technically meant she was still holding you, it was a completely different experience for you to actively seek out her touch. Now that you were, Wanda never wanted to let you go.

She whispered comforting words to you while holding you, with one hand gently playing with your hair as you calmed down. After what felt like both an eternity and not enough time, you released yourself from her embrace and wiped away some of your tears. You apologized, feeling embarrassed. In a gesture of comfort and intimacy, Wanda's thumb wiped away the remaining tears from your face.

“You never have to apologize for your feelings, Y/N. Not to me. I am glad you trust me enough to be so vulnerable.”

You watched, dazed, as Wanda brought her thumb, the same one that had just wiped away your tears, to her mouth. While maintaining direct eye contact with you, she slowly inserted her thumb into her mouth and used her tongue to clean your tears from it.

“Uh.. Yeah. S-sure.” Ever the quick wit from you…

Pillow-like lips curved playfully. "Come on, detka, let's see what this place has to offer?" The witch extended her hand to you, and in your daze, you accepted it. She simply had to guide you to the first exhibit before your initial shock gave way to excitement for the day. Soon, you were practically bouncing from one plexiglass panel to another, enthusiastically discussing the beautiful fish you encountered. Throughout the entire experience, you never released Wanda's hand, and she was thrilled to let you hold on.

Wanda was captivated by your innocent excitement. Her laughter tinkled melodically as you narrated the fish's experiences to her, even going so far as giving them names. Your enthusiasm for your special interest, your extensive knowledge about fish surpassing her own, and your ability to provide additional details not found on the descriptive plaques, left Wanda gazing at you with love and amusement in her eyes. Of course, you were too engrossed in the beautiful fish to notice, and she happily listened to your enthusiastic info dumping.

As you explored the aquarium, you couldn't help but wonder if this feeling of joy was what children often experienced. Being able to take in the exhibits at your own pace, with Wanda attentively listening to your ramblings, made you feel carefree and happier than ever before. Never diminishing your enthusiasm; Wanda remained engaged throughout, even asking follow-up questions to your explanations. It didn't occur to you, but you hadn't let go of each other's hands almost the entire time, and it seemed that neither of you had any intention of doing so anytime soon.

The highlight of the experience was when you and Wanda turned the corner and you found yourselves in an outdoor viewing area that led to an enclosure. As you approached, your excitement grew - it was an interactive penguin encounter! A person dressed in a wetsuit entered through a door at the back of the enclosure and made their way towards you, indicating that they were ready to let you in. After opening the gate, they introduced themselves and warmly welcomed both of you. You turned to Wanda in disbelief, unable to contain your excitement about the opportunity to play with real, live penguins!

Wanda smiled tenderly at your surprise and gently nudged you to follow the trainer into the enclosure. Your hands only now separated, and you almost, almost wanted to skip the adorable birds just so you could continue holding the witch's hand. Excitement prevailed in the end though because how often does one get the chance to pet penguins?

The trainer went to get a bucket of fish and brought it over to you, demonstrating how to entice the penguins to your side. Although the semi-frozen fish felt disgusting when touched, you were willing to endure any uncomfortable texture rather than miss out on this opportunity. With bait in hand, you beckoned to a nearby penguin, waving the fish to gain its attention. Success! The penguin waddled over to you, and you tried to not to lose your shit at how adorable the bird was.

The penguins were clearly accustomed to human interaction. They showed no hesitation in getting close to you to retrieve their dinner. You had anticipated having to throw a fish or two before the penguins would come close enough to touch, but to your surprise, one of the penguins allowed you to pet it while it enjoyed it's meal.

All the while, Wanda stayed in the background, capturing countless pictures, and several videos of you cooing and awing over the birds. By now you had a waddle of penguins surrounding you, and you were thrilled to interact with each and every one of them, not wanting any to feel left out. Eventually it was time to go, but you insisted the trainer take a picture of you and Wanda crouching with the penguins, Wanda feeling overjoyed that you wanted her to be included in this memento.

At first, she stood slightly to the side, positioned to be in the photo but not to draw the focus from you. However, you weren't having any of that, wrapping your arm around her waist and pulling her gently into your side. She laughed at your enthusiasm, grateful for the gesture. While the trainer took the photo, your smile shifted from the camera to Wanda, filled with adoration for arranging such an amazing day for you. Unaware of your change in focus, the witch was too absorbed in the pleasant feeling of being pulled close to your side while the picture was taken.

At last, it was time to go, and the aquarium employee led you guys to where you could wash your hands. Throughout you were waxing poetic about how this was the best experience of your life, and you were pretty sure you were going to go to sleep that night dreaming about penguins. You couldn’t wait to print out the last picture of the two of you and frame it. You thanked the witch profusely.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, detka. I only wanted to provide you with a memorable experience.” Wanda smiled at you fondly.

“It certainly was that! I don’t think anything could ever top today!”

The witch grinned. “The day isn’t over just yet, dorogaya, we still have a little bit more.”

Your eyes widened. “More? What more could there possibly be?”

“Not much, but it is time for dinner, and why go elsewhere when the aquarium has it’s own restaurant?”

You weren’t going to lie, you had expected the restaurant to be cafeteria style, but you weren't disappointed by the idea. So, when you and Wanda walked in and saw the cozy, dimly lit restaurant, you were pleasantly surprised. In the center, there was a tube-shaped tank stretching from the floor to the ceiling, filled with some of the most vibrantly colored fish you had ever seen. The restaurant itself seemed to curve around this centerpiece as if it was made to showcase the tank. It probably had been.

There was limited seating available, with only one table already set up to host, situated right next to the tank. The table was adorned with a crisp navy linen tablecloth, plush chairs, and a small candle, creating an atmosphere of intimate seclusion. As the maître d’ guided both of you to the seating area, you couldn't help but marvel at the beautiful setting. Despite being a local attraction, this restaurant exuded a sense of luxury. Before the host could pull out your chair for you, Wanda intervened, gesturing for you to sit. Blushing, you followed her instructions, feeling pleasantly taken care of, as she carefully pushed your chair closer to the table and then took a seat herself.

The maître d’ introduced themselves and informed you that your waiter would be with you both shortly. Taking the time to get situated, Wanda asked you how you were enjoying your day so far. Naturally you launched into excited chatter about how wonderful it was, how happy you were to be here, and how thankful you were that Wanda had arranged this for you. You were practically gushing in your gratitude.

“Speaking of, witchy, how did you manage to pull this off anyway? Just out of curiosity. It can’t have been easy to get this done in such a short time frame.”

A wry grin spread across Wanda's face. "You'd be surprised what a little bit of magic and a black card can achieve." She winked, causing your stomach to flutter, and you gulped.

“Well consider me impressed. I think if I were to ever try the same thing, there would probably have a waitlist for a couple years.” You chuckled.

The pair of you settled into easy conversation, covering yours and Wanda’s favorite sights that day.

Of course, your favorite part was the penguins. How could it not be? Not only did you get to see them up close and personal, but you were also able to feed and pet them. You couldn't contain your excitement about printing out the picture, though intentionally not asking to see it on her phone because you didn't want to know what date would show, or if Wanda would even allow you to look. You didn't want to risk spoiling a perfectly good day by asking too many questions and potentially putting the witch in a bad mood.

Wanda's favorite was also the penguins, mainly because she found you incredibly adorable when you interacted with them. Witnessing your happiness, carefree nature and knowing that she had played a part in bringing that joy to you, made her immensely happy.

"I'm glad you're having a good time, detka. You know I would do anything for you," she said, her tone soft and inviting, as she took your hand in hers. Hearing the sincerity in her words, once again you felt upset with yourself for ever doubting her intentions. How could you even think she would betray you in any way? The touch of her hand on yours brought you back to the present moment, and a comforting feeling of warmth spread within you.

Just then, the waiter approached and introduced themselves, asking if you needed a moment or if you were ready to order. Anxiety immediately clouded your mind as you realized you hadn't even opened the menu yet. Before your panic could set in though, Wanda spoke up and ordered for both of you. It was interesting to you, because in past experiences you aggressively disliked when someone ordered for you without consulting you first. This time however you felt surprisingly comforted by it.

Perhaps it was because Wanda was a mind reader, or maybe she just knew you well enough to choose the perfect meal for you. Either way, you were more than content with the meal she had picked. Not to mention the warm feeling blooming in your chest at Wanda, having no doubt noticed your anxiety, had simply taken charge of the moment, so you didn't even have to think.

Once the food arrived, you realized that you were in fact ravenous. The embarrassingly loud growl from your stomach served as a reminder that neither you nor Wanda had eaten anything since breakfast. Sharing a knowing glance, you both burst into giggles. The food turned out to be even more delicious than anything you had ever expected, and you attributed it all to the witch standing before you. An immense sense of gratitude towards Wanda washed over you and you weren't sure if you could ever properly express it.

You glanced at the witch after taking your first bite and were surprised to see her thin hazel irises almost entirely eclipsed by blown pupils. Blinking, you replayed the last thirty seconds in your head to understand what had happened and realized that you might have accidentally moaned at the taste of the incredible food. Oops.

Meanwhile, Wanda's food remained on her fork, halfway to her mouth. The intensity of her gaze made you squirm, feeling as if she would prefer to devour you instead of the food currently on her fork. Your cheeks turned pink, and you coughed, feeling embarrassed.

You mumbled quietly, "The food is amazing."

Voice husky, thick with an emotion you weren’t sure you were ready to name, Wanda replied, “I’m glad you are enjoying it, lyubov moya. Eat as much as you want, if you want more, we can always order extra.” She finally took the bite which had been suspended, all the while never breaking eye contact with you. You subtly rubbed your thighs together to alleviate some of the pressure caused by the increased blood flow to your core.

You quickly redirected your attention to your dinner, trying not to wolf it down in an attempt to distract yourself from the tension. Although you weren't completely certain about the situation, it seemed a possibility that the witch was flirting with you. The atmosphere had suddenly become so tense, and you struggled to understand it. Lack of experience with romantic partners, coupled with your tendency to feel awkward when someone you liked showed even the slightest interest, made it difficult for you. It's no surprise that your social ineptitude often prevented many romantic connections from flourishing in the first place.

Sensing your unease, Wanda swiftly breezed onto another topic. There would be an opportunity to press later on, but it was important to find the right balance between pursuing you and scaring you off. Luckily, she had plenty of time to make it work. And being able to read minds certainly helped.

Grateful for the reprieve, you effortlessly transitioned to the new topic, and suddenly everything felt right again. The rest of dinner went by without any further incidents, and you could honestly say that this day was possibly the best moment of your life.

Wanda appeared to understand your desires, needs, and worries with practiced ease. You had very few friends before meeting her, but after today, you would consider her to be your favorite person. Sure, there had been a few hiccups along the way, and perhaps some concerning signs that you should probably investigate further, but overall, Wanda made you feel secure and content. That was more than enough for you to view things through some rose-tinted glasses as you found yourself yearning for more of her time and attention.

All good things must come to an end, and eventually, the waiter arrived with the check. True to her word, Wanda discreetly presented her black card for payment, aiming to do so in a subtle manner that was not ostentatious. As you both stood to leave, you subtly glanced at the bill, eyes widening at the price as well as the generous tip she left. She had not been kidding about her funds, and briefly, you wondered where the money came from. You hadn't known Wanda to have a job the entire time you had known her. Then again, perhaps the superhero gigs had paid well? You had half a mind to ask her about it later, but knowing you, it would probably be forgotten.

Once out of sight of the aquarium staff, the witch opened a portal back to your cottage. With her arm still around you, you both headed home.

Taglist: @dorabledewdroop

[janiedean]

the gwendoline christie meet-up of doom recap

... wow it’s been a week and I still hadn’t managed to do it hahahaha ops. okay I hope I haven’t forgotten any details klfjlak anyway HERE HAVE THE FULL-ON RECAP OF THE GWEN CHRISTIE EXPERIENCE OF DOOM.

so: of course the con had to be in dortmund which meant that getting there directly was Not Doable and I had to go to @incblackbird​‘s in belgium first and then take a bus with her to germany and back and guys let me tell you dortmund is a piece of work but it has a very nice subway at least. NOW, as everyone knows if they’ve been around here for more than one month I really have Personal Reasons To Be Into Brienne As A Character and since I was like ‘okay she does a lot less cons than most other got actors so idk if I’ll have a second chance to meet her I’m going all out on this’, instead of going empty-handed as I usually do because I have no imagination for gifts to the actors and I can’t exactly bring them fanfic I figured I’d polish some old meta, maybe write a bit about Brienne’s Importance As Rep For Not Standard Attractive People and give it to her. which was all good but since I also wrote some stuff on jaime and brienne for merel’s cersei book (which then obv. got edited to hell and back to fit that topic XD) I figured ‘heeey I can just put the unedited version in there as well’ aaaand.... then I was like ‘oh well if I went through all of asos then I should also do the jb-related parts in affc’ which added to the brienne-only related introduction ended up.... being..... long around 50k (with quotes of course but still) because of course WHO knows how to be a synthetic person around here? certainly not me. anyway, this was the thing:

(yes the cover is what it is but you don’t even wanna know the levels of GOING TO SLEEP AT THREE AM FOR TWO WEEKS PLUS PRINTING IT THE DAY BEFORE LEAVING that preparing it reached flgdsk)

soooo I’m skipping on organization-related details/trip details because no one needs to know and on saturday I get into the con place with my trusted and updated catelyn cosplay like THIS IS POTENTIALLY THE MOST EMBARRASSING CELEBRITY MEETING MOMENT IN MY EXISTENCE, I go to the panel where someone asked her about how she feels playing someone described as *ugly* in the book and she gave a honestly touching long answer about how she felt like it was a privilege because you don’t get many not-standard-attractive characters, that she wanted the role and she thought actually it wouldn’t be popular because *ugly* female characters aren’t usually popular and that she felt it was important to have more of that variety on tv and I was about like ‘oKAY NOW I KNOW I’LL NEVER SURVIVE THE AUTOGRAPH’. hahaha. soooo I tried to go and get it so we could do the photo op later but obv. the queue was long as hell and I got there just when she left for lunch so I had to do the picture before the autograph, now sadly since there was a long queue you couldn’t exactly do anything too complicated with the pictures but she 100% was lovely to everyone, said hi and goodbye to everyone who came up to her and she totes recognized the cosplay my heart. (also in the panel she said she wanted to resurrect cat BLESS YOU GWEN BLESS YOU.)

aaaand. you can probably see that I was about to go like OMG HOW DO YOU EVEN EXIST YOU’RE TOO MUCH FOR ALL OF US MERE MORTALS but anyway:

sjdgldsjk if I think about it I’m still like HOW DID IT HAPPEN HOW DID I SURVIVE IT. anyway.

after that I go immediately to autograph queue again and like I would like to specify that the queue was insane like there were a lot of people and while I was EXTREMELY happy to see it because your favorite getting long lines is always an extremely good thing I also was kinda worried they’d cut things short same as they did with the photo op and I wouldn’t have complained if they had because I totally get it was a lot of people but ANYWAY. I queue again (while @incblackbird was also there and probably being extremely amused at my distress), I get there, I miraculously don’t faint the moment we make eye contact (could have happened tbh) aaaand I go like ‘okay about that thing you said at the panel before when it came to representation, HMMMM I’ve got to tell you something’ and thank fuck no one stopped me, I managed to more or less tell her that I read the books before season two and I really had a not so mild case of relating to brienne because of shared life experience and I was really hoping that the show would find an actress who’d make justice to the character and she one hundred per cent delivered on that and then I probably went into a string of embarrassing compliments while still trying to sound like a reasonable human being (count that I hadn’t had time for lunch or anything so I was running on adrenaline lmao) aaaaand...... she answered going more in-depth about the stuff she said before in the morning for... a good five minutes actually? I mean we definitely talked about it and she said the same things except more one on one obv. and she also said that she had read the book and realized What She Was Representing but she wasn’t sure people would grasp it and I was like NOOOOO DON’T WORRY SOME OF US DEFINITELY DID and honest she really took the time to talk to me when there was a really long queue behind us and it wasn’t basic niceties - like I’ve done enough signings at cons to grasp the difference and it definitely wasn’t, I left her a copy of that meta in the middle of all of this and she was like ‘for one I wasn’t expecting for people to be as much into brienne to actually do this kinda thing’ or something like that and she also signed my copy... with the goddamned golden pen like after I show it to two people they go like ‘aw how cute she used the lannister pen’ and I was like ‘..................... LMAO I WAS SO STARSTRUCK I DIDN’T NOTICE’ ops /embarrassment anyway at some point saint merel goes like (because I had totally forgotten) ‘btw she came all the way from italy just to see you’ and she was like ‘WAIT REALLY OH WOW THANK YOU’ and I was like ‘NO THANK YOU IT WAS ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT’ aaand we shook hands and I left after some good five minutes I think which is... kinda more than I ever talked with anyone in an autograph line in my entire life lol honestly I was just glad I didn’t end up doing something terribly embarrassing like dunno getting too emotional but thankfully I didn’t and it was honestly... really the best autograph experience I’ve had I think? or better time #1 with alfie allen also was great but I wasn’t exactly you know discussing stuff that was personally affecting me so yeah haha that was it and she was absolutely worth getting there and back and this woman is too good for this world and yeah. best idea I ever had tbh or top ten ideas I ever had a+ would re-do it in ten seconds.

(if anyone’s interested in the lannister pen autograph:

... aaand okay that was it when it came to gwen because she had no panels the next day and I used up both picture and autograph on day one but again, 100% worth it would re-do it immediately and she’s the best and yeah I’m still like DID IT HAPPEN and it’s been a week. she’s the best okay? k.

(also, someone’s already asked, so if anyone wants to know if I’m planning to share that meta: the ending was polished stuff that’s already on tumblr, I’m planning on posting the first part on here because it’s a question of principle and the rest I need to re-elaborate because at this point I might just throw in catelyn as well and do a full-on brienne text analysis idk but anyway at some point I’ll make it surface somewhere uu)

[lostboysuga]

The Way He Speaks (oneshot)

• also published on:

wattpad - gingerbreadsuga

ao3 - lostboysuga

• 2.6k words

--

Yoongi walked into the studio, his eyes tired from days and days of straight working on songs at the most ridiculous time of night. You'd think he didn't sleep ever, but he did, but only in the studio. It was his home, it was the place he dreamed, and then wrote down ideas for songs based on his dreams. It was the place he felt safe, comforted by the sounds of soft beats, the place where he truly fell in love with music. It was also the place he met Hoseok and Namjoon. (J-Hope and RM respectively.

There was a knock on the door and Yoongi replied, “C- come i- in.” The door slowly opened and Namjoon appeared in the doorway. Yoongi was happy to see the younger male because he’d just had a brilliant idea and came right to the studio to write it down and try to work on the beat for it as well. Yoongi gestured to the couch, asking Namjoon to sit and listen.

Yoongi played the loop for him and Namjoon bopped his head to the beat throughout. Yoongis small smile grew larger toward the end of the beat for the chorus as he knew Namjoon really liked it based on his expression.

“W- what did y- you t- think?” Yoongi asked, pausing the beat where he’d last edited it.

“That was really good, Yoongi. It’s a little plain though, is there a reason for that. It also seems a little serious? Is this a serious song you’re working on?”

Yoongi made an interesting face and said, “S- sorta.” He motioned Namjoon over to him, and pulled up the lyrics he’d brainstormed and edited slightly.

I know you’re hesitating

Because even if you tell the truth, it’ll come back as scars

I won’t say clichéd things like “have strength”

I’ll just listen to you, listen

What did I tell you?

I told you you’d overcome

You didn’t believe (really)

Will we be able to overcome?

This miracle

Did we make it?

...

It was his lament to everyone who’d ever gone through something similar to him. Bullying, constant teasing because he couldn’t speak with confidence the way everyone else could. Because he couldn’t go to the front of the classroom without fainting, because he couldn’t handle all their stares. This was to all those kids who experienced those same feelings.

“So it is serious, just as I thought. Nothing but to be expected from the ‘Oh So Serious Yoongi’."

“I’m n- not th- that s- seri- serious.”

“Oh sure you are. Always with that straight face, trying not to be rude, but always having a head swirling with ideas. Whenever someone asks you a question, it’s always a short answer. You’re pretty serious, man.” Yoongi let out a breathy laugh. Namjoon knew all about his stuttering problem, more so than Hosoek did or ever could.

“A- anyw- way. W- when’s our n- next g- gig?”

“Tomorrow night. Why?” Yoongi gave Namjoon a sly look and Namjoon knew exactly what that look meant. “Yoongi you know you’ll be dead tired, even though I’m pretty sure you already are dead tired. You can’t perform this tomorrow night, it’s not enough time.” Yoongi simply chuckled evilly and turned around to face the laptop. He ripped his notebook out from his bag that was next to the desk, and began typing away, saying lyrics in different ways to see which way flowed best with the loop.

Namjoon sighed and left, quietly shutting the door behind him and sighing once more. “Please be okay, Yoongi.”

«❦»

It was Friday night and tonight was the night Yoongi would perform his new solo song that would hopefully be on the new album. Namjoon and Hoseok were really worried though. Namjoon went into the studio this morning to try to look for something he’d forgotten, and Yoongi was still sitting there as though he hadn’t moved or even blinked since the night before.

Tonight, he looked like death, and the two younger members could tell. They wanted their manager to tell Yoongi to just go home and sleep and that they’d be fine without him, but Yoongi wouldn’t take it. He’d never missed a show, and was very diligent about that. No matter what was wrong, he attended every show and performed like it was the last he’d ever do. But tonight might be different. There was 15 minutes until the start of the show and the music was blasting throughout the venue, but Yoongi was still sound asleep on the couch backstage.

“He’s worked so hard for tonight. Can’t we just let him do this last show and then force him to go home and really sleep? Maybe even lock up the studio so he’ll actually sleep?” Hoseok tried to reason with Namjoon, and eventually he finally gave in. Only on the condition that he’d be escorted home immediately after the show.

Namjoon leaned down to wake up Yoongi, and the older male woke up almost instantly. “D- did I m- miss it?”

“No, we’ve got 10 minutes until we start. You might wanna get changed and grab your mic.” Namjoon said, looking up and down at Yoongis flannel and joggers. Yoongi quickly got up and went to grab an outfit consisting of his usual black and blue hoodie, black jeans, and black boots. Most of the fans liked this outfit on him, but others always wanted him to wear brighter colors. Either way, he wore what he wanted to wear, and went out on stage with his two best friends.

That night, during the show, Yoongi almost passed out on stage several times, but played it off as though he was completely fine. The only highlight for Yoongi, besides almost passing out in front of 600 people, was that everyone seemed to love his new song that he worked so hard on for almost 2 days straight. And there was also this very cute stranger who had the loveliest voice. They were performing a cover of a song, and Namjoon handed the mic to a crowd member, and Yoongi stopped dead in his tracks, looking over at the absolutely ethereal voice. It was a boy about college age, maybe a few years younger than Yoongi, and wow. He was just as beautiful as his voice.

There was a small meet-and-greet outside of the venue after the concert and that same boy was there, with a copy of their newest EP, and he wanted a signature from all the members. Hoseok and Namjoon were happy to sign it, but when the fan got to Yoongi, he stared straight into the younger males eyes. He saw the stars shining in them, like little sprinkles across a cupcake, they were strewn all across his eyes. But they were so beautiful. That was the only word he could use to describe this boy, was beautiful. He even made the mistake of saying it out loud.

“You’re beautiful.” He said, not realizing he’d said it out loud until Namjoon and Hoseok had started laughing at him, and the fans ears turned pink along with his cheeks.

“T- thank you… I love your songs by the way.”

“T- thanks…” Yoongi blushed more than the younger boy, but then he realized something. He took out his notepad from his back pocket, writing a few words down and ripping it out, handing it to the boy, upside down.

Hey so I’m writing a new song, would you mind featuring on it for vocals? You have a lovely voice. Here’s my number: xxx-xxx-xxxx

“Is this your way of asking me out?” The boy chuckled, and put the note in his pocket. “If so, sure. My name’s Taehyung, by the way.”

And that was where it all started for Yoongi.

Taehyung came over to the studio a couple days later, after calling Yoongi the day after the show. Unfortunately, Yoongi was asleep for once and didn’t hear his phone go off, but he quickly got back to Taehyung as soon as he woke up. They went over things about Yoongis style of producing and writing music over text shortly after Yoongi replied back to Taehyungs voicemail.

He liked to mostly work alone, making almost the whole song and beat, before presenting it to anyone else. Taehyung said he was fine with this, and that he’d come over whenever Yoongi was ready. Now, in the studio, Taehyung was being played the demo track, lyrics already recorded and beat polished all pretty with a bow on top. Taehyung really appreciated all that Yoongi was doing for him in terms of allowing him to finally show off his talents somewhere other than Instagram and Twitter.

But today was the day of recording, and Yoongi was absolutely entranced by Taehyungs heavenly voice. They recorded the same chorus parts and adlibs a few times with different inflections and pronunciation each time, then it was Yoongis turn. Compared to Taehyung, Yoongis voice sounded more like petrichor, which was still pleasant, but in a way all of its own. Taehyung couldn’t help but stare with admiration to the boy he’d been idolizing for years.

As Yoongi finished, he looked over at Taehyung, taking off his headphones and saying, “W- what? D- did I do s- some- something w- wrong?”

“No, I just love the way your voice sounds.”

“I l- like yours t- too.” For some reason, Yoongi hated his voice a little less whenever Taehyung complimented it, saying it was nice or soothing. For some reason, Yoongi felt a little less nervous around Taehyung, like he didn’t have to make up anything. Like he could just be himself.

“How come you stutter so much? You don’t have to answer, but as a fan I’ve always been curious.”

“I- I’ve always st- st- stuttered. I d- don’t kn- know w- why.”

“I think it’s kinda cute.” Taehyung smiled and giggled softly.

“Thanks…” Yoongi replied, walking over to his laptop, and beginning to edit. Taehyung waited a few minutes before he spoke again, somewhat scared he’d offended Yoongi in some way.

“Can I play some music?”

“As l- long as it’s n- not trash.”

“Aye-aye, captain!” He turned his phone and hooked it up to the bluetooth speaker in the studio, playing soft pop and underground acoustic artists. Underground artists were Taehyungs favorite, despite liking Yoongis rap trio. But they still counted as underground because they weren’t technically signed with anyone yet, and they paid for their studio themselves after years and years of saving.

“I l- like this. It’s n- nice."

“Thanks.” Taehyung winked, but Yoongi wasn't looking in order to see it. Taehyung smiled anyway, and went back to his phone.

Taehyung stayed there for a few hours just listening to music, occasionally stopping to hear Yoongi mumble lyrics to himself. Eventually it was getting dark and he had to get home. “I'll see you later, Yoongi. Thanks for asking me to do this.”

Yoongi simply nodded and mumbled a word or two. Taehyung wasn't offended because he knew Yoongi was in the zone, and probably wouldn't want to be bothered until he was done. He walked home and thought about how lucky he must be, after being a fan for so long and trying to get noticed by the members, now he was working with one of them on a track. How did this happen again?

This process continued for the next few weeks, as Yoongi was a bit of a perfectionist, but also because he was trying to get normal hours of sleep on a daily basis.

Taehyung knocked on the door and Yoongi got up to open the door. Taehyung smiled and said, “I brought food!” Yoongi smiled and looked down on his stomach, feeling it growl a bit at the smell of food.

“T- thanks. I didn't e- eat t- this mor- morning.” He said, sitting down on the couch next to Taehyung. Their hands brushed slightly as they both reached for the bag. Taehyung quickly withdrew his hand, but Yoongi stayed there for a second, feeling Taehyungs lingering touch.

Yoongi finally snapped out of it when he felt Taehyungs hand on his again, but this time, Taehyung intertwined their fingers together.

“I like you."

“W- what?” Yoongi couldn’t even comprehend what Taehyung had just said, but he tried to ignore it, pulling his hand away.

“Nothing.” Taehyung sighed, knowing he’d just said it out of nowhere and there really were no feelings behind it. But Yoongi didn’t know that. He thought Taehyung really meant it. He didn’t know what to do. He got up and saved his progress with the song and put his laptop in his bag and his notebook as well, leaving the studio, with Taehyung looking very confused and slightly upset.

«❦»

Days passed and Taehyung still hadn't heard from Yoongi. He was beginning to get worried. He tried going to the studio again, but every time he did, it wasn't Yoongi that answered. It was either Namjoon or Hoseok saying that Yoongi was “at home” or “out with a friend” or “visiting family”. Taehyung began to get the feeling that Yoongi didn't want him around.

One day, Yoongi is finally back at the studio, and working on something a little different this time. Taehyung raised his hand to knock on the door, but he wanted to listen before he made everything worse. It sounded a little more upbeat than most of his songs. It also sounded like there was mostly vocals in the song. It was obviously the demo, because it sounded like he couldn't hit them.

Taehyung then realized Yoongi had accidentally left the door open, so he let himself in as quietly as he could. Before he closed the door he said, “Sounds like it needs some better vocals.”

Yoongis head shot around to look at Taehyung. He wasn't expecting anyone besides Namjoon and Hoseok. “T- Taehyung. W- what a- are you do- doing h- here?”

“Listen Yoongi. I know what I said and did was inappropriate, but you don't have to push me away. I missed you, I missed working with you until late at night. I miss playing my favorite bands for you and you complimenting them and their lyrics.” He paused as he realized there were tears falling down his cheeks. “I miss you.”

Yoongi stood from his chair and walked up to Taehyung, not even missing a beat, he gently placed his lips onto the younger males. “I missed you, too.” They shared a long embrace and kissed once more, this time Taehyung expected it and kissed back.

“I'm so sorry, Yoongi.”

“I- it's alright.”

“You wanna record that new song you're working on?”

“Sure."

Taehyung smiled and put on the headphones and began singing. Yoongi fell in love, note after note. Line after line. He just couldn't resist Taehyung voice, personality, music taste, everything. He loved Taehyung, it was true and he couldn't deny.

As Taehyung finished the song, he asked, “Who did you write this for?”

Yoongi smiled and replied, “You.”

On the desk was a little notebook with the lyrics to the song, and a little doodle of Taehyung.

You’re the sun that rose again in my life

A reincarnation of my childhood dreams

I don’t know what these emotions are

Am I still dreaming?

There’s a green oasis in a desert

A priori deep inside of me

I’m so happy, I can’t breathe

My surroundings are getting more and more transparent

I hear the ocean from far away

Across the dream, past the woods

I’m going to the place that’s getting clearer

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

“You m- make me ha- happy, Taehyung.”

“Yoongi, I love you.”

“I lo- love you t- too, Tae- Taehyung.”

END.

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 31: This Year’s Writing, Reviewed

I usually do a summary of my year’s writing on January 1 and I am still planning that for tomorrow, but I thought this year I’d also do a more critical review.

In other words, my thoughts on what I wrote (or... posted, rather) this year:

Mountain Lion Mean: Hands down my favorite fic of the year. I enjoyed brainstorming it, writing it, re-reading it. It still holds up nearly a year later. It’s definitely deeply in debt to Hell or High Water, but nevertheless I nailed the aesthetic I was going for, experimented with the style and the POV shifts, and I’m extremely pleased with how it turned out.

Until Death: I wrote this one without any sense of urgency or fear, since I wasn’t competing in madness, so it was a very low-stress experience. I had a random idea and an opening sentence and I just tried it out and ended up with a whole fic. It’s definitely a knock off of Briarpatch, both in Vibes and a little bit in plot, and I don’t entirely know myself what’s happening in it, but overall, I’m proud of it for existing and just being what it is.

Beloved, Feared, Misunderstood: Another non-competitive madness fic. I wrote this one in a single frenzy, probably over 4-5 hours (?), which is kind of wild. I wanted to write a Greek Gods AU for a while, but I never had concrete ideas. When Troped gave me the opportunity, I just ran with it without thinking too hard. I can’t believe this fic came out as coherent as it did, to be honest. I’m really quite fond of it. It would probably be my favorite of the year, but for Mountain Lion Mean.

The Treasure of the Golden Skull: A surprise Star Trek fic! I definitely did not expect to write this, or anything like this, this year, and I’m glad it exists. I’m glad I took a chance on it and finished it and put it out there. I admit that I did use some crutches on this one: doing an AU with a strong aesthetic and relying primarily on Kirk’s a Drama Queen for characterization. And to be honest, I don’t remember it very well now; it’s not a story that really strongly stands out to me. But I’m glad I dipped my toes back in that fandom again.

Dance When You’re Undead: My only complete Halloween fic this year. Sad trombone. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to top last year’s two Troped Halloween entries so I didn’t try to do anything similar, or as ambitious, and I do think that was a good call. This story is what I intended it to be: a fairly straightforward, purposefully weird, Aaaah Real Monsters AU. I don’t feel dissatisfied with it, but I’m not super excited by this story, either.

devil’s gonna get me one of these days (ch1): I sort of regret posting this at all, to be honest. I really wanted to have something up for Halloween, since it was my Halloween Season Project, but it frustrates me that there’s going to be such a big break between the first chapter and the rest. Also, and more importantly, I was skimming through it and I found bits I wanted to edit more and even some typos. It wasn’t ready for prime time. All that said, I really do love this fic. I’m still actively working on it so I’m way too close to judge, but it’s certainly a project close to my heart.

We’ll Find Out in the New Morning: I have a lot of warm feelings about this story. It definitely did/does need more editing--I was just flipping through it recently and found a lot of bits that could be polished more, which is completely unsurprising given that I barely had time to re-read it. But even given how rough it is, I am proud of myself for writing it and writing it so fast, and I feel... positive about the writing process. It really helped give some kind of structure to my first week of vacation (which, honestly, my second week could have used) and I just generally enjoyed writing again after a pretty long break. I wanted this fic to be sort of like a movie, but in words, and I think overall that I created that effect. It’s cute and gives a warm feeling. So I’m pleased.

[lifeasarandomdudeknowsit-blog]

Entry #335 - Rhythm of the Night

Right, I should probably get around to writing today's entry.  I went to bed last night a bit earlier than usual because I'm trying to right my sleep schedule.  Of course, I ended up not even waking until after 9 AM.  Apparently I needed the extra rest.  I'm really hoping this will help snap me out of this weird non-rhythm I have going for me.

I was thinking to myself the other day if it's possible to have a circadian rhythm of longer than 24 hours. I've noticed that I definitely feel like I want to stay awake for 17-18 hours before sleeping, but still need the usual eight hours of sleep to recharge my batteries.  I'm curious if that's something that other people experience, or if it's just a weird aspect of my body. I feel like if the day lasted an hour or so longer, things would be much easier for me.  Right now, my body rhythm has been trending towards going to bed later and waking up later.  I'm worried that if this keeps up, soon I'll be falling asleep when the sun comes up and waking up when it goes down.  Of course, the cycle would continue and I'd eventually return to what most consider “normal” waking hours.

After doing a very small amount of research, it appears that this is a recognized circadian rhythm disorder.  It's called (appropriately enough) Non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder.  Though, after looking into it a bit more, I'm unsure if it's really possible for me to have, as there are apparently less than a hundred official cases of it, at least as far as sighted people are concerned.  Apparently, this is much more common amongst blind people, though the commonality is among those with no light perception whatsoever.  So I don't know, really.  It's still possible, but I would have to let my circadian rhythm run free while keeping a sleep diary in order to attempt to confirm this. Otherwise, I just need to set more alarms in order to attempt to keep up with a “normal” sleep schedule.

I mean I was able to keep a schedule during my time in school, but it certainly did me no favors at times. And with the job search, I can't exactly just let my circadian rhythm go nuts, because if I find something that's 9-5 and my biological clock had decided that that is when I sleep, I'm going to have a very difficult time adjusting to a new rhythm.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just blowing this all out of proportion and I'm just being lazy when I don't wake up with my alarm.  I will admit that I don't particularly like mornings, and if I had the choice to wake up at 9 or 10 AM, I probably would.  But seeing as how most jobs start at 9 (if not sooner), I'm limiting my options pretty severely if I want to sleep in late.  I know there are jobs out there that start at noon or 4 PM, but at that point, I'm running the risk of getting out of work late at night, and depending on how good the public transit system is in this city, I may not be able to use it to get home.  Unless I can find something that lets me work from home, I'm much more than likely going to have to find something with hours around the same time as most folks' schedules.

And that reminded me that I needed to check something in regards to an exam I took about six weeks ago. Turns out I finally got my score for one of the state government positions.  It's a bit lower than I expected, unfortunately.  I'm in the third tier of candidates, which means if I put in an application for a position, whomever is hiring has to go through every other candidate from tier one AND tier two before calling me for an interview.  Still, I have my score, and I'm going to put in a bunch of applications for that position.  I also need to check and see if any of the other positions have open exams (or will have times to sign up in the near future).

I actually wouldn't mind a government job.  It's stable, good pay, good benefits, retirement plan...not necessarily the most glamorous position, but right now, I'm not looking for glamor.  I'm looking for a stable position that will allow me to pay my bills and have enough left over to finally get a savings account going again.  I actually enjoy office work, strangely enough.  Doing things like data entry, calculations, and writing reports comes oddly natural to me.  Heck, I've managed to write in this blog every day for the last eleven months, so I must be halfway decent at writing.  Unless it's all been just garbage and no one has bothered to tell me.

The point is if I could find a government job (or, really, anything that could pay a living wage), it would free up so much for me and allow me the opportunity to work on these other projects I've been putting off for a very long time. Whether or not one of these jobs actually sticks won't be known until I get called in for an interview.  We shall see what happens.

Apparently, the paragraphs I wrote today were so short that this entry has to keep going.  I write all of these in a word processor before posting them, and usually once I get to this point (I'm about a quarter of the way into my second page) I've hit my thousand word mark.  Sometimes, it doesn't work out that way, and today must have been one of those days.  I don't really stop and look back to see what I've written.  It just all flows out of me in one take.  Sometimes I wonder if these entries would read more clearly if I went back and edited them, but that sort of spits in the face of my style in general.  I don't really like editing things much.  I love doing things in one shot, and whatever the result is, that's what I take.  I guess I enjoy more raw content than polished content.  But that's me.