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eedwritingportfolio-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Personal Choice 1

Play

Shakespeare’s Encore

ACT I

SCENE I

The six characters sit in separate, plastic chairs. The room resembles a doctor’s office waiting room. Inexpensive, tacky paintings are placed haphazardly on the peeling walls. ROMEO and JULIET sit close together, whispering lovingly and exchanging kisses. HAMLET sits with his head in his hands between his knees. REGAN sits cross-legged, a compact mirror in her hand as she dabs at her makeup. DESDEMONA sits quietly, staring anxiously at the hideous paintings, avoiding all eye contact. KING LEAR is asleep. A receptionist sits at a desk nearby, typing on her computer. There is no change in their actions for a minute. Then, a bell rings and POLONIUS appears from the back door.

POLONIUS: I really think you should reconsider, my good sir, I promise I can-

RECEPTIONIST: You know the rules. Leave.

POLONIUS: I just think if he would reconsider- I mean- I know I’m good for the part. I could easily-

RECEPTIONIST: Enough.

Polonious stops, his mouth open. He rolls his eyes and turns towards the audience, grumbling. Words like “sell-out” and “he probably doesn’t even write his own plays” can be heard between mumbles. Regan stands up, her mirror back in her purse.

REGAN: How did it go? Did you get the part?

POLONIUS: No, I did not get the part. APPARENTLY I’m not ‘worthy’ of the part.

REGAN: (smirks) Figures.

POLONIUS: What is that supposed to mean?

REGAN: He must be waiting for me. Obviously no one is as deserving as I am.

JULIET: (starts laughing) Yeah, okay.

REGAN: What did you say, Suicide-Girl?

ROMEO: Don’t speak to her that way!

REGAN: Oh my apologies to the happy couple. Unlike you two lovesick puppy dogs, my life was worth something. And I died always staying true to that.

JULIET: Oh yes, because staying true to the love of your life and your love for money is soooooo the same thing.

REGAN: Not for money, Psycho Sister. For power. There’s a difference.

JULIET: Enlighten me.

REGAN: When my father, that lazy sack of potatoes over there, came to my two sisters and I with the promise of money, I was quick to tell him what he wanted to hear. It wasn’t my fault that it came with strings attached. Next thing I know, my sister is trying to steal MY man. And yeah, along the way I may have gouged an eye out or two, but Edmund was mine and Gonoril needed to know it. So I died trying to gain complete control over all that my sister tried to take from me.

JULIET: You died for greed; we died for love.

REGAN: You call that love?

JULIET: Our families didn’t want us to be together. I was betrothed to a man I did not love and I knew that I would lose the love of my life if I didn’t act on it quickly. I devised a plan so we could escape and live together without our families’ knowledge; however, due to-er-miscommunication, Romeo was misled to his death. It was an act of passion, really. And so I stabbed myself. All for him. (Smiles up at him and flutters her eyelashes flirtatiously).

ROMEO: And I would do it all over again for you. (They kiss).

REGAN: Ugh, please. I’m sure Anxiety-Girl over there has a better story than that.

DESDEMONA: Who, me?

REGAN: What are you? An owl?

DESDEMONA: No I-I died for…for nothing. She looks at the ground, a frown appearing on her face.

HAMLET: I’m-I’m sure that’s not true. He moves to a seat closer to her. You seem like a gr-gr-great person.

DESDEMONA: Thank you. It was awful, really. I guess you could say I died for love. Or really, love killed me.

HAMLET: How so?

DESDEMONA: I was in love with a man.

HAMLET: Did he not love you?

DESDEMONA: He did. I mean he did at first, then one day he just accused me of being something I most certainly was not. I was always faithful to him.

HAMLET: Why didn’t you tell him?

DESDEMONA: I tried to but I just never knew what to say so in the end I just let it happen.

HAMLET: Let what happen?

DESDEMONA: I let him kill me.

HAMLET: I-I’m so sorry. That sounds awful.

DESDEMONA: Thank you. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to you?

HAMLET: One night a phantom came to me. It was my father. He told me of my destiny; I had to kill my uncle for revenge so that his spirit could finally rest. It seemed so simple to me; however, I found I was so lost in the planning, in the decision making, that when I finally seized the moment; it was the wrong man.

DESDEMONA: What did you do?

HAMLET: I took so long thinking about what to do and not doing it that I ended up giving my enemies just enough time to figure out my plan and concoct one to kill me as well. I was murdered by my uncle and his pawn.

DESDEMONA: Oh!

REGAN: Alright, enough with the pity party. If this heart-to-heart has told me anything, it’s that you losers have a LOT to learn. And definitely will not get the part in this new play.

They all begin to yell at once. Words like “love”, “I’m the star”, and “die” are heard. KING LEAR begins to stir, then awakens with a start. He looks at the screaming characters in horror. Then clears his throat.

KING LEAR: Enough! What is this foolishness? The characters fall silent. REGAN rolls her eyes.

REGAN: Oh, great, now we’re waking up the dead.

KING LEAR: Very funny, daughter. Now what was this ruckus all about?

REGAN: We’re trading death stories, Daddy-o. Wanna turn?

KING LEAR: Ah, well in that case, you’re all in for a treat. All my life, I believed that I Had raised three beautiful, devoted daughters. So when two of them were willing to proclaim their undying love for me but the other refused, I was quick to banish her. But that was my mistake. I couldn’t see clearly enough to realize that the one who refused to speak was the one most devoted of all. I gave my fortune to my other daughters who in turn used it against me—leaving me out in a storm and leading me into psychosis. But I didn’t lose it completely until I saw Cordelia- my only faithful daughter-dead. The grief consumed me, and eventually I died. I only wish I had opened my eyes sooner and saw what was right in front of me all along. REGAN sits back in her chair, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. The other characters look at the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anywhere but at each other as they think about this in silence. A bell dings.

RECEPTIONIST: Regan? Mr. Shakespeare will see you now.

Regan: Well, while you dimwits are sitting there, mourning your pathetic lives, I will be getting the part that I was destined for! She jumps up and exits the room. Blackout.

SCENE TWO

A well-furnished office. A dark maple desk sits in the center, in front of a fully-stocked bookshelf. The door opens, and REGAN enters, mid sentence, facing whomever is coming in behind her.

REGAN: I expect at least twelve ten minute breaks a day, as well as my own dressing room and personal stylist. I do not drink anything besides Fiji Water, and I do not get up at any time before 9 AM. Am I being clear? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE walks in behind her, his eyes squinting and his lips pursed.

SHAKESPEARE: As understandable as your demands are, I do not believe I have granted you the part yet…

REGAN: (pats him on the shoulder) Come on, Willy. We both know I’m your best option.

SHAKESPEARE: I’m afraid not, Regan. It seems you have one tragic flaw.

REGAN: Ex-squeeze me? I am FLAWLESS.

SHAKESPEARE: I’m sure you think that’s true. But for this new play that I am writing, I need my characters to be utter perfection. I have written many plays, as you know. However, I always had to kill off so many of my characters, due to their tendency to develop tragic flaws. I just don’t know what happened!

REGAN: Yeah. I wonder what the common thread is…

SHAKESPEARE: (continuing as if he did not hear her) So now that I am developing this new play, I have all of you actors here to audition for the parts.

REGAN: Okay. So where are the lines at? Aren’t I here to do a reading?

SHAKESPEARE: Actually, no. I have decided that the characters in this new play must be without flaws. So if you want a part in this play, you must conquer your one flaw that led to your downfall.

REGAN: What does that mean? What do I have to do?

SHAKESPEARE: Your greed led to your downfall. You wanted power and control and were selfish and cruel. To get a part in my play, you must spend a day feeding the poor and hungry to prove you have overcome your vanity and greed.

REGAN: Is this a joke?

SHAKESPEARE: You have twenty-four hours. BLACKOUT.

SCENE THREE

Same setting as the scene before, only now papers are scattered across the desk. HAMLET enters.

HAMLET: So as you can see, my resume is v-v-very impressive. I am a thoughtful, considerate actor. I take my time with my actions and consider every option before I act. SHAKESPEARE enters behind him, mid eye roll.

SHAKESPEARE: Yes, I have noticed that. Well you see, you’re a fine actor, I’ll give you that. However, you must fix one thing before I give you a part in my new play.

HAMLET: Wha-what would that be?

SHAKESPEARE: First of all, fix the stutter. I know I didn’t give you that. Second, you need to fix your tragic flaw. I gave you lines, I spelled out exactly what you had to do, and what did you do instead? You wandered around, ‘to be or not to be’ all that mumbo jumbo and your indecisiveness, or as you so eloquently put it, ‘consideration’ led to your demise. So to fix this, I need you to make a decision.

HAMLET: O-okay. Yes. I decide yes.

SHAKESPEARE: That was not your decision, but great start! Alas, you must make one of mankind’s toughest decisions. You must complete a task that requires the shrewdest thinking. It is a task that many men have failed to complete and will continue to fail to complete until the end of time. This is a tough decision to make. But it must be done.

HAMLET: By God! Wha-what could you be asking of me?

SHAKESPEARE: You must make a decision…on what to order at a restaurant. BLACKOUT.

SCENE FOUR

Same office, however the previously scattered papers have been picked up and are in a stack. An open book is laid out on the desk, and papers are placed haphazardly in it. DESDEMONA is seated across the desk, her hands clasped as she nervously rocks back and forth on her chair. SHAKESPEARE is seated on the other side of the desk, his hands folded underneath his chin, his glasses perched on his nose.

SHAKESPEARE: Well?

DESDEMONA: I’m not sure what you’re asking me to do.

SHAKESPEARE: Your tragic flaw was your lack of assertiveness. You allowed the men around you to define you. This is what ultimately led to your downfall. You need to stand up for yourself.

DESDEMONA: You make it sound so easy.

SHAKESPEARE: It is.

DESDEMONA: How would you know? Are you a female living in a male-dominated society? How can you tell me that it is ‘so easy’ for a woman to stand up to a man when all my life I’ve been told to sit down and listen to the man?

SHAKESPEARE: Times are changing, my fair Desdemona. There is this new thing called ‘feminism’ arising. But alas, that is for another time, another play. I myself am not too fond of the idea, however, I do know that you allowed yourself to be murdered due to your inability to stand up for yourself.

DESDEMONA: So to get the part, I have to stand up for myself?

SHAKESPEARE: You must show assertiveness to a male. You have twenty-four hours.

SCENE FIVE

ROMEO is sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the chair, an eager smile on his face. JULIET sits next to him, her hands clutching his, a grin on her face as well. SHAKESPEARE sits across from them, his eyes on their hands, his face void of any sort of amusement. He sighs.

SHAKESPEARE: You two know that you’re very young…right?

JULIET: Very young and very in love.

ROMEO: Forever and always. They kiss passionately. Shakespeare shudders, appearing to be close to vomiting. He swallows, hard. Then he speaks.

SHAKESPEARE: You two died because of your love. You fell for each other before you had any sort of worldly experience. Therefore, to fix your mistakes and earn parts in my play, you must perform specific tasks.

ROMEO: We’ll do anything!

JULIET: Yes! As long as we end up together!

SHAKESPEARE: To be in my play, you two must get jobs.

JULIET: Motherhood is the ultimate job.

SHAKESPEARE: First of all, ew. Second of all, I will assign you two jobs. Complete it once and you shall both be in my play. (Pause). Together.

JULIET: We’ll do it!

ROMEO: Anything to be with my true love!

SHAKESPEARE: Wonderful. I’m glad you’re both so agreeable. Romeo, a boy your age should be out mowing lawns. Therefore, I assign you landscaping. Juliet, if motherhood is what you desire, I am willing to give you a firsthand look at what you desire. You will babysit. I’ll see you both tomorrow after you have finished your jobs. Then we shall see who is chosen for my new play. He exits.

ROMEO: Juliet, what if we don’t both make it? In the play, I mean?

JULIET: (taking his face in her hands) My love, don’t even say such silly things. No matter what happens, we will be together. If one of us does not make it, neither of us will make it. We must stay together, okay?

ROMEO: We will. (They passionately kiss. The light fades to darkness)

SCENE SIX

The same office. KING LEAR and SHAKESPEARE sit across from one another, both in the exact same position, with their chin in their hands, their eyes trained on one another. It appears as if the two are in a staring competition.

KING LEAR: Sir, with all due respect…you blinded me. So I’m not sure how you expect me to…expect me to…

SHAKESPEARE: Your blindness was present long before you lost your vision. You failed to see what was right in front of you. That was what led to your foolish actions and mistakes.

KING LEAR: So how do I fix that?

SHAKESPEARE: I would suggest laser eye surgery, but I’m pretty sure that hasn’t been discovered yet. So I want you to go to the glasses store and buy yourself the perfect pair of spectacles.

KING LEAR: Spectacles? What will that do for me?

SHAKESPEARE: When you find the perfect pair of glasses, you shall finally be able to see clearly.

KING LEAR: So I must enter this so-called ‘glasses store’ and try on glasses until I find the perfect pair!

SHAKESPEARE: Exactly!

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The setting is a homeless shelter, the common grounds in particular, doubling as a soup kitchen. Throughout the room are homeless individuals seated on fold out chairs, in front of them bowls of soul on small end tables. To the right of the tables is a line filled with homeless people waiting to be served. Behind the table holding the pot of soup is REGAN dressed in attire inappropriate for the occasion, a fancy cocktail dress and heels, other than an apron that shows no signs of previous use. REGAN is complaining about her presence in the shelter more than helping serve the people in front of her. An older woman, presumably another volunteer, stands to the right of her, wearing an apron and hair net. She is serving food to homeless people and visibly ignoring REGAN.

REGAN: (holding a hair net) You can’t be serious...I am not going to wear this! Are we almost done? We’ve been here forever.

WOMAN: We’ve been here for less than thirty minutes. Please put your hair net on.

REGAN: (putting on hair net and muttering under her breath) Stupid play...homeless people...Shakespeare...sell out...probably didn’t even write his own plays…(REGAN takes a spoonful of pasta and slaps it onto a person’s plate. She continues this for three plates)

HOMELESS WOMAN: Bless your soul! (Reaches out and takes REGAN’s hand)

REGAN: Ew! Don’t touch me! (She lunges back in disgust and drops the spoon)

WOMAN: Regan! Go get another spoon!

REGAN: No way! Did you see how she touched me? I’m too pretty for this.

The scene freezes. REGAN looks around, confused. SHAKESPEARE enters.

SHAKESPEARE: Tsk, tsk, Regan. I really thought you could do it.

REGAN: You gave me the most ridiculous task. People actually do this willingly?

SHAKESPEARE: Alas, your vanity and self-absorption once again prevails. I’m sorry, Regan, but you will not be cast in my new play.

REGAN: Whatever! I didn’t want to be in it anyways!

SCENE TWO

A dark-lit restaurant with posters and objects hanging on the walls. Red booths align the walls. HAMLET sits at a table in the center, holding a thick menu. He is flipping through it, visibly anxious. A tall brunette waitress appears, wearing all black and holding a notepad in her hand.

WAITRESS: Hi, my name’s Ella. I’ll be taking care of you. What can I get you to drink?

HAMLET: Hello, E-ella. That’s a beautiful name.

ELLA: Thank you. Something to drink?

HAMLET: What would you suggest?

ELLA: Well, we have fountain drinks, milkshakes, wines, teas, coffee...whatever you’re in the mood for.

HAMLET: I...I don’t know what I’m in the m-mood for…

ELLA: I can start you off with water?

HAMLET: Y-yes...that would be lovely...

Ella exits

HAMLET: Okay...I need to order a meal. So let’s see here. Hamburgers, cheeseburgers, salads, chicken, steak...so many items.(His voice grows more panicked with each option) I could get breakfast...lunch...dinner...How is this even possible?

Ella enters

ELLA: Here’s your water. Have you made a decision?

HAMLET: Er...no…

ELLA: That’s okay, I can come back.

Ella exits

HAMLET: Okay, I need to decide. There’s pasta, sandwiches, pancakes...and sides? So many sides! Two sides for every meal? Why would they do this?

Ella enters

ELLA: Are you ready to order?

HAMLET: NO! How could a-anyone order off of this textbook you call a menu? What k-k-kind of torture is this? LEAVE ME!

The scene freezes. HAMLET is taking deep, jagged breaths. SHAKESPEARE enters.

SHAKESPEARE: Really, Hamlet? You couldn’t decide on a meal?

HAMLET: You are the d-d-devil.

SHAKESPEARE: Well, your indecisiveness cost you your life and more importantly, a part in my new play. Sorry, buddy. Maybe enroll in some speech therapy?

SCENE THREE

Inside a restaurant DESDEMONA and a man sit in a booth looking through the menu. A waitress approaches the table to take the couple's order.

WAITRESS: Are you ready to order?

MAN: Yes we are. I would like the New York strip steak, rare please.

WAITRESS: Alright. And for you Miss? (the waitress looks to DESDEMONA. DESDEMONA opens her mouth to respond).

MAN: (interrupting) She’ll have a salad. (gives her a sideways look) Dressing on the side.

DESDEMONA: Um?

WAITRESS: Alright, anything else?

MAN: No, I think we’re good.

WAITRESS begins to walk away.

DESDEMONA: I don’t...uh…

WAITRESS: (turning back) I’m sorry?

MAN: Nothing, she’s fine.

WAITRESS: Oh, okay.

DESDEMONA: No! I am not fine!

WAITRESS: Excuse me?

DESDEMONA: I don’t want a salad. And I definitely don’t want you. (Turns to waitress) I’d like a cheeseburger and fries, please. And a new table. (Gets up) Goodbye! (As she walks away, SHAKESPEARE appears and grabs her arm. She jerks it away from him, thinking it is her date)

SHAKESPEARE: Ah, you’ve done well! (She turns around, surprised, then pleased) You stood up for yourself and your desires and proved to be assertive. I would be honored if you played a role in my latest play.

SCENE FOUR

Outside of a house a truck pulls up and from inside ROMEO and an older man come out. The man watches as ROMEO unloads the lawn mowing equipment from the back of the truck and laughs as he struggles to mount the lawnmower.

MAN: Young man, we have three lawns to mow in just this neighbor. Do you think you can hurry up and start mowing already?

ROMEO: Oh, sure. (MAN exists) How does one even work this strange thing?

Finding the ignition, he climbs into the lawn mower and begins mowing the lawn. He looks up at the sky and the lawn mower begins to swerve. He does not notice.

ROMEO: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the… (ROMEO sighs and crashes the lawnmower into a house. He gasps and jumps out, running his hands through his hair in shock)

The scene freezes. SHAKESPEARE enters.

SHAKESPEARE: Love is too distracting for someone of such a young age, Romeo. Someone who cannot perform such a simple adolescent job like lawn mowing is not old enough to experience love. Youth is the problem. You are not old enough for the part.

SCENE FIVE

A tall woman dressed in a sparkling blue dress is leading JULIET down a marble hallway. Expensive paintings align the walls.

MS. WOODS: So this is my home. I have three boys, Tommy, Frank and Alex. Tommy is eight, Frank is five, and Alex is four. My husband and I will be home around midnight. Any questions?

JULIET: None at all, madam. Have a wonderful night!

MS. WOODS practically races out of the house, not looking back once. Three boys enter. One is half Juliet’s height, with a backwards red baseball cap on his head. He is TOMMY. The second boy, FRANK, who is shorter, is holding a toy airplane. The toddler, ALEX, is holding TOMMY’s hand.

JULIET: Hello, boys! My, my, what are we up to?

FRANK: Will you play with us?

JULIET: Oh, of course! Would you like to play cards? Or perhaps some board games?

ALEX: Cars!

TOMMY: Will you play with the cars with us? (FRANK and ALEX wander off)

JULIET: Surely! Where can I find them? (There is a crash)

TOMMY: (smiling devilishly) Looks like they just did.

SCENE SIX

A carpeted room. JULIET is tied to a chair in the middle with a jumprope. ALEX is playing with a car by her feet. FRANK and TOMMY are crashing their monster truck toys into each other.

JULIET: Boys! This is not acceptable! Untie me!

FRANK: (zooming his car around the room) Vroom! Vroom!

TOMMY: (lunges for Frank, smashing his truck into his and also tackling him to the ground)

FRANK: Ow! That hurt!

JULIET: Boys! Now!

TOMMY: Oh, be quiet.

FRANK: Tommy, that really hurt! (Alex begins to cry. Tommy begins to zoom his monster truck around the room, making car noises while Frank keeps repeating, “ow, that hurt!”)

JULIET: ENOUGH! (The boys fall silent). I have had enough! Untie me right now, Thomas.

TOMMY: (unties JULIET quickly)

JULIET: Thank you. Now boys, your behavior has been unacceptable. All three of you will sit in time out for a few minutes to make up for it. Am I clear?

TOMMY: Yes…

FRANK: Sorry.

ALEX: Sorry.

(The scene freezes. JULIET rolls her eyes and begins to clean up the mess of toys that the boys have made. SHAKESPEARE appears.)

SHAKESPEARE: I have to say, I am impressed. You really pulled that off.

JULIET: They’re lovely boys. They just needed a firmer hand.

SHAKESPEARE: And you were able to do that. You really have shown me that you are able to overcome your foolishness to get a job done. I would be honored if you would take a part in my new play.

JULIET: Oh, thank you!

(Blackout)

SCENE SEVEN

KING LEAR is walking around a room filled with glasses and mirrors. He is wandering about, looking frightened as he takes in the scenery. He stops at a table and picks up a pair of glasses. Upon taking them, he gasps and drops them to the floor. A sales associate appears almost immediately, a pair of glasses perched on her nose and a stern face.

SALES ASSOCIATE: Can I help you?

KING LEAR: Erm…I need a pair of these spectacles.

SALES ASSOCIATE: Well, alright. What kind of frame would you like?

KING LEAR: Frame? For pictures?

SALES ASSOCIATE: No, the shape of your lense. There’s square, rectangle, circle, oval…

KING LEAR: Oh, I don’t know! (He begins to sway, as if about to faint) I think I’m seeing stars…

SALES ASSOCIATE: Sorry, our glasses don’t come in that shape. (Pause) Have a seat. I’ll get you some glasses to try on. (He sits)

KING LEAR: How will I know which is the right pair?

SALES ASSOCIATE enters, holding three pairs of glasses.

SALES ASSOCIATE: Here, try this.

She hands him a pair of rectangle glasses. He tries them on, and exaggeratedly blinks. He looks up at her and gasps.

KING LEAR: I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING! IT’S ALL A BLUR!

SALES ASSOCIATE: That’s fine, take them off. They’re clearly not for you. (He takes them off and sighs happily. She hands him another pair.) Try this.

KING LEAR: (Putting on the new pair) Everything seems clear… (Turns to look at her) Oh my! You’re green!

SALES ASSOCIATE: They’re tinted. It’s all the rage with teens nowadays.

KING LEAR: I can’t wear green glasses! Everyone looks like an ogre! (Lowers voice and fakes a Scottish accent) Get out of my swamp!

SALES ASSOCIATE: Okay, Shrek. Give them here. (He hands her the glasses) Hm..alright. Try these ones. (She hands him a circle-framed pair)

KING LEAR: (Putting them on) Hm… (He gets up and looks around, exaggeratedly blinking) These seem...okay…

REGAN enters, stomping on the ground, her hair a mess and her face red with anger.

REGAN:(yelling) Daddy! I need you to take care of Shakespeare for me! That sell-out said I wasn’t good enough to be in his play! You need to do something!

KING LEAR leaps back in fear and points at her, his hand shaking.

KING LEAR: Evil! Evil! I can see it clearly now! EVIL!

REGAN: What are you even saying? Ugh, whatever. I’m going to have to take care of him myself. (Begins to exit, mumbling to herself) I’ll just tell everyone he didn’t write his own plays...that should do it!

KING LEAR: My...I can see! I see her for what she truly is!

SHAKESPEARE enters.

SHAKESPEARE: Yes, you have found the perfect pair. Not the most attractive, but nonetheless, the perfect pair. Now that you can see everything as it is for what it truly is, I have a part in my play just for you.

KING LEAR: I would love to be in it.

SCENE EIGHT

The seven characters, REGAN, HAMLET, DESDEMONA, JULIET, ROMEO, KING LEAR, and POLONIUS, are standing behind a curtain. They are all standing quietly, looking nervous and frightened. REGAN is staring at herself in her compact mirror. HAMLET is tapping his foot. DESDEMONA is biting her nails. JULIET and ROMEO are holding hands. KING LEAR is wearing his new glasses and glancing about the room in awe, and POLONIUS is nervously stroking the curtain.

POLONIUS: This curtain seems rather...familiar. I’m getting a bad feeling from it.

REGAN: Quiet, Grandpa.

There is a loud drumming noise. The curtain lifts and the seven characters walk out onto a stage. SHAKESPEARE is standing in the center, a smile on his face.

SHAKESPEARE: Welcome to my theatre! It’s called the Globe. Here, only the best performers act in the best shows for only the most worthy of audiences!

REGAN: (Feigning a whisper but actually very loud) It smells awful in here!

SHAKESPEARE: (pretending he did not hear her but a look of annoyance has crossed his face) And now, I will read you your fate!

HAMLET: F-f-fate?

SHAKESPEARE: I gave all of you tasks to complete to fix your fatal flaws. If you were able to, you have a part in my play written specifically for you. But if you didn’t, you will leave here, and never come back. (Long dramatic pause. It lasts for a whole minute, and the characters begin to shift uncomfortably)

DESDEMONA: So did we-

SHAKESPEARE: Shush! (Pause. He sighs) I was pausing for dramatic effect. Gosh. (He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he sucks in air. His eyes open, and the devilish grin has appeared once again on his face) Here we go. (His voice takes on the tone very similar to a game show host) You’ve all worked up to this moment. But only a select few of you will be chosen. This is it, everyone. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. (Pause) Desdemona, step forward. (She steps forward) Now, Desdemona, step backward. (She steps backward). Now, step forward. (She steps forward)

REGAN: What, is she doing the cha cha? (All the other characters laugh.)

SHAKESPEARE: (rolling his eyes) I’m just trying to keep you all on your toes. (Turns to DESDEMONA) Okay, stay in the front line. Juliet, take a step forward. (She steps forward) Good. King Lear, take a step forward. (KING LEAR steps forward) Okay. Those of you in the front...you are all… (Pause) In my next play! Congratulations! Back row, I’m sorry, but this is the end of the road for you.

HAMLET: What? No!

REGAN: Sell out!

POLONIUS: I knew this would happen! HAMLET, REGAN and POLONIUS begin to argue while DESDEMONA and KING LEAR hug and chatter excitedly. SHAKESPEARE stands proudly, his hands on his hips, a smug grin on his face.

ROMEO: (runs over to JULIET, taking her hands.) I’m so sorry I couldn’t get in the play, Juliet. But I promise you, we will get into the next one. (Begins to lead her away)

JULIET: What are you doing?

ROMEO: I didn’t get into the play. If one of us didn’t make it, neither of us would make it, remember?

JULIET: (Pulling her hand away) Yeah… I changed my mind.

ROMEO: (recoils back in shock, his eyes wide) Changed your-changed your mind? Why that’s-that’s preposterous! You can’t change your mind! Not when it comes to love!

JULIET: See, that’s what I’m saying. Everything with you is about love. It’s all serious and sappy, like (mimics a male voice) oh, Juliet, I love you so much, I’d die without you, uhhh… (voice returns to normal) Babysitting those boys made me realize the responsibilities that I’ll have to take when I have children. And honestly, I am so not ready for that. And neither are you. I’m sorry, Romeo, but I’m taking this part. Without you.

ROMEO: (sputtering) But-but, Juliet...You can’t-you can’t-

JULIET: What are you? Hamlet? (She spins around and walks away, hugging DESDEMONA then KING LEAR, leaving ROMEO alone)

SHAKESPEARE approaches him and pats him on the back.

SHAKESPEARE: It’s okay, lad. All’s well that ends well! (Blackout)

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