#writingbyellee

[elissabartee-blog]

Life is Complicated

“Everything is going to be okay you know?” As I turned to look at my Aunt Gillie, the frown on her face expressed she didn’t believe the words she was trying to convince me of. I nodded so she would go away, and tried to give a sympathetic smile so maybe she wouldn’t decide to hug me. That is the last thing I need right now.

 I stand here with all of my family around me as all of our eyes turn toward the  coffin being carried by my Uncles and Cousins. As I watch everyone cry, not just the small tears but the sobbing coming from the people closest to her I couldn’t feel an ounce of emotion toward the person lying in the coffin. One person could carry that thing, I thought. The woman barely weighed 100 pounds. As I look around at everyone here, I realize I am the only one wishing she would have went a lot sooner than now.  

As they place her into the ground my sister hugged me. She needed me of all people, she is still young and fragile. Even at 18 years old, she still needed her Sistermom. I hugged back as I kissed the top of her head. “She’s in a better place, right?” She looked up at me, with those big teary doe eyes. “Of course Jo, she is with the angels now.” I didn’t think our own Mother would leave like this. She was a worthless drunk, who never cared about anyone except the booze and boys. She left us when I was only 13 years old. I was a child myself, but that didn’t stop me from taking care of Jo. She was always my number one priority. Jo is strong, and smart she knew who our Mother was but we never planned for this. 

Our family members, all made their rounds to hug us and give us their sympathies. They even gave us their new phone numbers. Like we needed their help now. We tried getting help before, when I was 13 and needed a home to stay in with my 8 year old sister. No one answered, but worse than anything no one cared enough to call back either. We all smiled and kept our composure, but the longer we stood there the tighter the grip Jo was putting on my hand. Once the last person had gone, we picked up the flowers, and the pictures and everything that was left our deadbeat Mother. 

As we loaded everything into the back of my SUV a man we didn’t know approached us. “I’m sorry about your loss girls.” Jo just looked at me like she does when she needs help out of a situation. “Umm.. Thank you. Do we know you?” I’m sure he could tell by the expression on my face I am concerned about his intentions. He shook his head, but stood firm. He is a handsome olive skin man, wearing black like he was just at the funeral, he was wearing J Crew by the looks of his leather jacket but I didn’t recognize his face. “I am Carter. Your Mother’s boyfriend.” 

Jo had heard enough and stormed into the car, slammed the door shut. His expression seemed to not be surprised, so I closed the back-end of the SUV, “I’m sorry about her. She’s had an emotional week.” He gave a sweet smile and proceeded, “It’s okay. I know you guys were never her biggest fans. I just came to give you this.”He reached out for me to take an envelope from him. From the writing on the paper, I could tell it was our Mothers. “So you’re telling me you know who we are, and you are giving us a piece of paper from our deadbeat Mother? Are you even sure you know our Mother?” He laughed, not in like he heard a funny joke laugh, but a laugh that was sarcastic like he couldn’t believe the words coming out my mouth. 

I then became unimpressed, “Look, you don’t me. You don’t know us alright? You can take your letter, and shove it up your ass. There is nothing in there that she didn’t say to me the day she left, okay?” I felt it, I became cold. It was the first emotion I had felt in a week. I couldn’t help but feel good about it. I started to walk away but he pleading, “You got it all wrong girl, I am just trying to do what your Mom wanted. Take the letter, read it and then you can give me a call.” He placed the envelope in my hand again and walked off down the road. I stood there in disbelief but I took the envelope and got into the car. Jo had her earplugs in and was reading like she always was. 

Maybe we can go back to our lives, as I drove away from the church, I couldn’t help but look back. What in the world did our dead Mother want to say to us now. The only thing I was happy about was that now she is gone, and I don’t have to hate her any longer. One thing I knew for sure, Jo wasn’t going to be apart of the letter. She didn’t need to hurt any more than she already was.