#writing's just a lot harder than drawing is and i keep procrastinating it cuz if I'm focused on that I'm not putting out my other content

[somelazyassartist]

Love that I stayed up all night drawing and still have like. nothing to show for it. go girl give us nothing 😔

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #72

hey ya’ll, kinda conflicting moods in this survey; the earlier, dreary-sounding answers, please do not worry about them, as i took this over the course of longer than a week.  i was hospitalized this past week and am currently home safe again.  i just don’t feel like going back changing answers, lol.

are you currently distressed about anything?   yes, quite a bit.  i found the gem to the ring jason gave me, but i can't find the ring itself... i really wanna fix it and wear it.  i'm pretty damn upset about the situation, considering how much i cherish anything i've ever had from him. do you like your pop tarts toasted or cold?   i like them how they are in the package. do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom?   i prefer the front, 'cuz i can see better and i feel more obligated to engage. what’s your least favorite flavor of candy?   orange do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before?   no. which is worse: living where there’s lots of tornadoes or lots of hurricanes?   tornadoes, definitely.  i live where there are plenty of hurricanes, and the last one we had that was truly devastating was floyd, and that occurred when i was a very young child.  tornadoes, meanwhile, are more immediately dangerous. have you ever seen a black rose?   no, but i would loooove to... do you like pie?   no, actually. if you died right now, how would you feel about your life?   it was a nightmare. do you have any morbid interests?   gore and guts.  bones.  death itself, kinda. if someone were to ask you if you were okay right now, are you?   no.  i'm currently waiting for the suicide hotline's online chat room to open up.  i've been a wreck all evening and google searched something i shouldn't have; google gave me the number to the hotline as well as the option to chat online.  i broke the fuck down.  i've been waiting for a spot to open for like ten minutes... have you ever thrown up from working out?   no, but i know i've been close. do you have any gay family members?   i think i have an uncle who is? would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn?   fuck yes i would be. (new day.) would you date someone who still lived with their parents?   uhhh, why wouldn't i...? would you have to sleep with someone before marrying them?   nope. would you enjoy a night of playing video games?   very much so. would you watch a porno with your partner?   absolutely not. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends?   errr... i hate admitting this, but no.  it's suspicious. coffee or tea?   i have a strong dislike of both, really. when was the last time you climbed a tree?
   never; nc doesn't really have climbable trees, just pines. what clubs do/did you participate in at school?
   i was in the art club and shit, what was it called... it was for honors students... what is something you and your best friend say/do that seems strange to an outsider?
   act gay as hecke do you like to sleep near the wall, the middle, or the open side of the bed?
   open side. what’s the strangest rumor that has ever been spread about you?
   a rumor started in high school that jason and i had had a baby.  a rachel is who told the person who told me, soooo i'm not stupid.  i know which rachel started it. how involved were you in the drama of your high school?   not at all. do you like to cuddle while you are sleeping?   all night, no.  when jason and i were dating, i would usually begin sleeping cuddled with him, but would pull away during the night because i got hot. what are you favorite places to be touched?
   i'm guessing you mean sexually?  personally my breasts are very sensitive to touch. do you like lip biting?   again, in a sexual context?  sure. describe your first date.   jason took mom and me to see "ghost rider 2."  i personally thought it was very cute that he wanted mom to come, too. what really goes on in your head?   memories, poisoned with remorse.  i'm always looking back and missing how things used to be.  death and decay goes on in my head.  passions pass away, and the darkness that i try so hard to keep in the back of mind envelops its entirety more and more each time i weaken.  i don't mean to sound all dark or poetic, it's just... how i describe things.  i wish just one person would understand exactly what's happening up there. do other people’s opinions mean anything to you?   sometimes. have you ever just wanted to run away to see who would follow?   i have run away, and nearly got the police on my ass. have you ever had a hamster as a pet?   multiple times.  all were assholes. who do you really need in your life?   jason.  yet he's not here. way down in there’s any part of you sad at all?   all parts of me are sad. what’s your favorite type of insect?   i really love butterflies, moths, dragonflies, ladybugs... is there anything worrying you right now? if so, have you talked to anyone about it?   when am i not worried...  i'm so scared jason won't come back.  the last person i talked to about it was virginia, his mom.  i was suicidal last night and was very, very sincerely contemplating killing myself, and i wanted to talk to him, because i feel like he's the only one who can talk me out of it.  so i found their number and called their house past midnight.  i talked to virginia; jason had just gone to bed, and she didn't want to wake him up.  she's such a sweet woman...  she tried so hard to help, but it was all in vain. apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight?   cry, i'm sure. does anyone see you as a role model?   i'm certain that's a no. what is something that you’ve recently learned?   it's very likely i have bpd. what is your most expensive possession?   the laptop jason gave me... but it's broken right now. what’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had?   aside from mental illness, the worst physical illness was just a REALLY bad stomach virus.  i've never even had the flu. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day?
   if i ever get married... then yeah.  it's one of my fairytales. what kind of music do you tend to like?   heavy metal, some harder rock. do you have any mental disorders?   and they're going to kill me. do you believe everything happens for a reason?   fuck that. do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart?   yes. do you live in the moment?   i live in the past. how many more minutes until you will next eat?   i should've eaten an hour ago.  but i'm too upset to be hungry. what do/did you normally get detentions for?   i only ever got detention for too many tardies. what do you currently hear?   "i don't love you" by my chemical romance, my typing, my sniffling, and my heart pounding in my head. do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids?   i won't have kids anyway.  i don't even know why i'm spending my time doing this survey.  i'm procrastinating on looking for any sleeping pills in the house.  i'm done. do you like the band a skylit drive?   i like their cover of "love the way you lie" who’s someone you want to see right now?   jason.  he could stop this.  i know he could. have you ever been stung by anything?   no, i haven't. have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to?   no, i fucking hate people who do that. are you paranoid?   only always. (next week) are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments?   nope. would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? which one seems best?   hmmm.  teleport, i guess. do you like soda pop? if so, which is your favorite and least favorite?   i sadly do.  i loooove mountain dew, and i really hate pepsi. does it annoy you when surveys ask questions about controversial topics, or do you like arguing your point?   i like controversial questions, honestly.  i like making a point. are there any specific piercings you would never, ever get done?   the only piercing i would never get, even for a ludicrous amount of money, is around my private area.  nope. assuming you had sufficient funds, would you be capable of living alone, paying bills and looking after yourself properly?   honestly, no.  probably not. do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby?   meeee! were either of your parents baptized?   idk the last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit?   ha ha omg, a mosh pit at an alice cooper concert in north carolina... that'd be a sight to see. does your bathroom have a theme to it?   nope. when you are eating fast food, do you tend to get burgers or chicken?   burgers, almost always. are you self-conscious of your smile?   yes, because my eyes squint. what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?   writing.  sometimes drawing. what color do you really want to dye your hair?   GRAY.  mom won't let me. :( sunrise or sunset?   sunset is prettier, imo. what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?   i love some of the petnames colleen calls me, honestly.  it's just sweet. what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.   socks suck.  period.  i avoid them at all costs. have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?   how flexible you think i am, fam? do you play the wii?   very rarely. be honest, did fifty shades of grey arouse you in any way?   i didn't read/watch it, and i have no plans to. do have faith in yourself?   lmao did you parents know what gender you were before you were born?   i'm not sure, actually.  i do know, however, everyone first thought i was a boy; i always had my legs crossed in the ultrasound.  mom, however, "knew" i was a girl. does your mother still take care of you if you get ill?   not really.  like i guess if i called her to get me some ginger ale or something, she'd do it, but i kinda just take care of myself. is there a certain topic that you struggle to talk about, because it makes you feel uncomfortable?   not really. if you’re not in college, why?   because i mentally cannot handle the stress it causes. do you try to avoid burping in public, or are you open about it?  after all, it is a normal bodily function.   i'm very discreet about it normally, just because of social standards.  around family and very close friends, i don't give a shit. do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]?   i like the fruity flavors. what do you think is the dumbest / tackiest piercing?   i don't really know. have you ever requested a song on the radio?   no. would you ever dye your hair black?   i have before and i loved it. when did you last see the person you love/like? when will you next see them?   i saw him yesterday... and i probably never will again... is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind atm? do you think that person will be thinking about you too?   he always is, and i can absolutely guarantee he's not thinking about me. do you know the star sign of the last person you kissed?   he's an aquarius, like me. what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it?   got sexual on my parents' bed, i guess. who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? are you attracted to that person?   jason, and yeah... do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind?   no, i'm not allowed to.  i overdosed the other day. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.?   sauce, always. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not?   no, because love should be very openly celebrated. do you think teenagers can be in love?   absolutely.  i was and still am now from the same relationship as an adult. how fast does your mood change?   0-100 real quick, boo. at this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you who’s would it be?   uhhh... literally no one's.  i just wouldn't.  well uh, i guess if it was life or death, uhhh... probably jason's, honestly??  but realistically, i never would get anyone's?? what’s your all-time favorite COMEDY movie?   hm.  maybe "white chicks" or "rush hour 2" how old is your most recent ex?   he's 23. how many keys are on your key chain?   two how does your hair look right now?   it's all big and suuuuper curly!!!  chelsea did it. :D does your house have a white picket fence?   nope. do you wear bracelets?   no, never. when was the last time you had sex?   never. #regret do you have a wild side?   only j's seen it, honestly... heh. what is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house?   literally.  nothing. who did you last have an alcoholic drink with?   chelsea.  good day. where do you plan on living within the next few years?   probably the same 'ole north carolina. do you have an addiction?   debatably the internet, but i honestly consider it more of a dependence. if you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?   2016, absolutely. do you believe you should change who you are for the person you love?   to a degree, sure. when you’re home alone, do you still keep the door closed when you shower?   the bathroom door is open, my room door is closed. do you currently have a hickey?   i wish ha ha. now your cell phone, what color is it?   black. how many times have you gotten into a argument with the last person you kissed?   plenty of times. what color is your hair?   ruby red, with redder highlights and brown roots coming in. your parents are divorced/married/separated?   divorced have you ever let someone be your everything?   and i'm a broken person because of it. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like?   no.  he made it clear i deserve to suffer for giving up. have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?   ahhh, yes. (: have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed?   no. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside.  feel safer/cozier. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, sure, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?   i don't think so... but maybe for dance? do you always wear your seat belt?   yep. have you ever liked someone much older than you?   not seriously. are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   oh god.  heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, asthma, cancer, depression, bipolarity, more shit i'm forgetting... do you have asthma?   no. are tongue piercings slutty?   ... no? last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yep. what’s your second favorite color?   pink, probably. how many times have you been so drunk you didn’t remember the night before?   never. what sexual kinks do you personally enjoy, if any?   i actually had to look up some kinks bc idk if some things are considered kinks or not?  evidently even something as common as spanking is, and i'm into that very mildly.  anr (i think that's be abbreviation, probably wrong...) is something that's like guaranteed to turn me on.  i also like feeling/acting sexually submissive in general, but i deeefinitely wouldn't consider it to the point of the dom/sub kink. ever faked an orgasm?   no. own some type of work out machine?   not anymore. ever wanted to be a vet?   i did as a child, yes. ever flashed someone you liked?   i maybe have to jason, while alone with him, but even then i'm not certain i ever have. ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   first job i had for a month or two.  second, like, four days. do you have a favorite sexual position, even if you’re a virgin?   missionary is all i've ever tried and i'm fine with that. ever done oral? with how many people?   yes, one. what condom brand do you use?   i don't use them because i don't have sex.  on the one occasion jason bought condoms just to be safe in case we chose to, i'm not sure what brand he got... do you use flavored/scented/glow-in-the-dark/neon/ribbed condoms?   again, i don't use them, but also once more, on the one occasion jason bought some, they were just normal. what about facebook - do your grandparents use facebook?   my maternal grandmother does. do you have any text messages from your ex, or have you deleted them all?   no.  the phone i've had i got after the breakup, so. tell me 3 facts about the first person you had a relationship with.   i've "dated" three people, but i've definitely only had a romantic relationship with one, so i'm using him in this question.  he loves games of all kinds, he's a huge joker (particularly heath ledger's) fan, and he's studying computer engineering/he's in his last semester. think about your last ex. do you still find him/her attractive?   he's very handsome, yes. do you regret kissing the last person you kissed?   i never will. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   nope. if someone were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?   the only person i'd say yes to would be jason. what was the last thing you took medication for?   my tremors. if someone offered you sex right now, how would you respond?   again, i'd only yes to jason. do you think you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?   i don't think i found the person, i know i did.  yet i can't. be honest, what do you want more than anything at this moment in time?   i just want to cuddle with jason. have you had any conversations recently that made you feel uncomfortable or upset?   i talked to jason, face-to-face, two days ago to assist me in gaining closure.  very long story short, i was quiiite upset after he left. what’s the farthest away from home you have ever been?   michigan the last person you had a thing with calls wanting to hang out. what do you do?   say "of course!" in probably the most excited voice ever. what is your favorite shade of blue?   hmm.  navy, i assume. what ozzy lyric describes you best?   a suRVEY QUESTION REGARDING MY FAVORITE ARTIST???  HELL YEAH!!  anyway, i've felt a resonance with "you don't have to leave the lights on; i'm so used to being blind" from "tomorrow" for many years. what was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most?   giving up on just that: life. what is love really about?   it's science, but also something inexplicable.  it's the perfect combination of your brain's "happy hormones," and only that one person can achieve that certain mixture.  granted, there are different kinds of love, and each one is unique. what metallica lyric most describes your life?   wHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, ANOTHER QUESTION W/ ANOTHER FAVORITE ARTIST???  I WANNA MARRY THE SURVEY MAKER PLS.  um anyway let's see, i could really list a few.  first, i wanna say i feel a VERY strong connection to "the unforgiven ii" as a whole; all the lyrics mean very much to me.  but if you want a particular lyric, these couple mean the world: "how can i be lost, if i've got nowhere to go? / and how can i blame you, when it's me i can't forgive?" from "the unforgiven iii"  omgggg i could keep going on ;-; ever been to ozzfest?   girl, I WISH. what's the most illegal thing you've done?   just downloading music.  wait actually, probably downloading an expensive program illegally. ever have a tornado in your town?   i don't think so. what percentile of your class were you in?   idk about numbers, but the very top.  i got an award for it.  idk what ever happened... can you name every place you've ever had sex?   i've never had sex, but i've gotten sexual on my bed, his bed, the floor, the couch, the chaise... what forms of birth control have you used?   abstinence is... pretty flawless. handcuffs or rope :D?   errr, i'm guessing you're addressing being tied up sexually?  i'm... kinda into the idea of being handcuffed to something, maybe. *shrugs* ever grown any plants before? what were they?   habaneros, zinnias, sunflowers... how many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide?   three.  i was going to slit my throat on two occasions, and on the last, i overdosed. what is your favorite cover song?   "hurt" by johnny cash.  "another brick in the wall" by korn is a close second. ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months?   nope. strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?   idk, i guess just getting tubes put in my ears. if you ever got a tattoo, where would you get it?   i already have three and want loads more like... everywhere.  most specifically though, i think sternum tattoos are drop-dead gorgeous. could you ever go vegetarian?   no.  i enjoy meat too much. how do you fall asleep? [i.e, listening to music, reading, daydreaming…]   just thinking... have you ever been chased by bees?   omg no. what is your opinion on homosexuality?   it's a mutation, but that does not make it wrong. what is your biggest fear in life?   being alone in life.  not being able to function properly in the "real world" is a close second. when was the last time you kissed someone?   2015 are you sick quite often or hardly at all?   hardly at all.  proud of that 'ole immune system. has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   apparently. do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more?   chocolate, definitely. does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much?   no, but i actually have noticed something: it began to bother me ever so slightly more after jason passed out from me getting my blood taken that one time.  i think it's because of how i look up to and see him in general, seeing him react to something like that, a part of my brain wants to believe "omg that has to be dangerous then."  but in general, i don't really have issue with getting my blood drawn. who would you say is your best friend at the moment?   colleen.  always. how long have you two been best friends?   over two years. do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   it's not something i dwell on, but i know i'm not. have you ever tried opening your eyes under water?   i have, and i'm bad at it. have you ever been admitted to the hospital?   only six times. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies, i think. how old is your pet?   teddy is ten, cali isss... three, i think, bentley's not even a year, and lexi is around two, probs. do you listen to artists who consist more of guys, girls, or both?   i seem to prefer male artists. what’s your first tattoo?   a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. what song do you listen to when you’re sad?   "perfectly flawed" by otep is common.  hence my tattoo. <3 is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?   not anymore. are you scared about the end of the world?   not really, because i don't think i'll be around to see it. will you ever get a tattoo?   i have three and want more.  my next tattoo will be an adaptation of "denialism" by deviantart's tatchit.  look it up, it is honestly a phenomenal work of art. when you get yelled at, do you yell back or let it go?   well first, i get triggered.  yelling triggers memories of my parents fighting so much.  odds are, i'll yell back, but it really depends. do you share a computer with your siblings?   nooo. do you have mood swings?   badly. do you have any bruises on you?   yes, from getting my blood drawn so much recently.  the iv left a good one. have you had sex today?   girl, i wish. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?   plenty of times. be honest with yourself, are you proud of your actions?   some yes, some no.  it just.  varies.  for the most part, i guess so, like i can't deny i'm a fighter, but i just feel weak sometimes. if you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?   honestly, i would get a tiny heart on the side of my face if it wasn't for societal standards and the strong odds of unemployment for having a tat on my face. what is something you find romantic?   flowers, picnics, walks in the park, oh man, i could go on for HOURS.  you can make SO many things romantic. what makes you attracted to the person you like right now?   his personality. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?   rape is #1 for me.  just don't. would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship?   castle, hell yeah!! has someone ever made you a build-a-bear?   OMG NO I WOULD DIE THAT'D BE PRECIOUS what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. what is your definition of “having sex”?   penal-vaginal penetration. who was the last person you were “in a relationship with” on facebook (including anyone you may have put “in a relationship with” for a joke)?   jason. do you think a relationship with a 16-year-old girl and a 35-year-old man would work out? do you think age differences like that (when they’re under 18) should be legal?   they should absolutely not be legal.  just... no.  i don't support big age gaps like that. what do you think of open relationships? if your partner suggested it, what would you say?   HA.  no.  and if he suggested it, i'd leave his ass. would you ever date out of your race?   mhmm. have you ever had a reptile for a pet?   i've had one lizard, two snakes. what kinds of alcohol do you like?   only ever tried mike's hard lemonade and smirnoff, and both are fine. did you have a swing set when you were a kid?   yup. state you most want to visit?   utah.  fucking gorgeous. were you popular in high school?   definitely not. would you rather be blind or deaf?   blind, definitely.  i once asked jason this and he said blind, too, "because i have to be able to hear your voice." ;;;-;;; where do you want to live when you are old?   in the mountains, in the woods, in the chilly weather, pls. have you ever been in love?   absolutely.  with reckless abandon. have you ever caught a fish?   many many times. what was your most recent ex’s middle name?   alex. do you put anything weird on your scrambled eggs? (like syrup)   just hot sauce. what is your states minimum wage?   $7.25, save us.