#writing this bc I was on facetime with a partner and they said something innocuous that triggered me

[anxietytriangles]

Catatonia is a wild thing to experience. I get triggered and all of a sudden I’m hunching over, shaking my legs and hugging myself, staring wide eyed at nothing with my mouth hanging open. Suddenly I am experiencing the most intense mental anguish of my life and I am completely unable to externalize it so it stays trapped, raging in my shaking body. Sometimes I get triggered and I feel frozen in place, completely unable to move and barely breathing, but with the same empty stare. In those times there is nothing happening inside of me, it’s so empty. I hear nothing but my heartbeat, and my mind feels like stark white room. During most episodes I am completely aware of everything going on around me but I feel I am entirely detached from that reality.

And then it’s over and I can stand up straight, I can move again. It lasts for a few minutes or all the way up to an hour. I have no control over when it happens. It’s horrifying every time.